A Problem in the North

by Bootsy Slickmane

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Original Character, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 3157

The Crystal Empire finds itself in the middle of property dispute when a representative from the north comes in, claiming that Equestria doesn't own the land. Who does? Canada, apparently.

The Crystal Empire finds itself in the middle of property dispute when a representative from the north comes in, claiming that Equestria doesn't own the land. Who does? Canada, apparently.

Alternate universe tag because this is a world with Canada in it. Random tag because it's a bit silly.
Written mostly for the group Canadance is Best Pony.

Published 2014-08-30 22:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-30 22:30:03 UTC

A Bit of a Sticky Situation

Princess Cadance tossed her mane to one side as she trotted down a crystal hallway, ready to greet a new day in her palace. She stopped suddenly, however, as she spotted something out of place. There was a white mare standing in her throne room, staring out a window. A big, red maple leaf adorned her flank, and a pair of saddlebags rested on her back. Cadance slowed to a walk, checking either side of the doorway as she entered the room. Her guards were there, same as always. She took a breath before addressing the stranger. "Can I help you?"

The mare turned around, revealing the horn sticking up just ahead of her gray beanie. She looked Cadance up and down, smiling softly. "Oh, I hope so. You must be Princess Cadance, eh?"

Cadance nodded, taking another step forward. "I am. And you are?"

"I am Princess Canadance," was the mare's reply.

Princess Cadance raised an eyebrow. "Okay," she said slowly, her nose catching a hint of a maple scent as she walked past the unicorn. She turned back to face the new pony, taking a seat in her Crystal Throne. "Not to sound rude, but would you mind explaining why you're here?"

"Taxes," Canadance said simply, still smiling.

"Taxes?"

Canadance gave a single nod. "It's come to my attention that nopony here has been paying their taxes for the last whole year."

Princess Cadance tilted her head to one side. "Yes, we have. My husband accompanied the payment himself, all the way to Canterlot."

Canadance furrowed her brow. "You've... you sent your taxes to Canterlot? Why?"

"Because that's the capital." Cadance's shook her head. "Who are you, again?"

"Princess Canadance," the mare repeated, taking a moment to settle her beanie in against her red mane.

"Yes, you said that, but I'm not aware of there being more than four princesses in Equestria." The Crystal Princess shot a pair of glances at the pair of guards standing in the throne room, and they each took a step toward the white mare.

"Neither am I. Anyway, you really need to get your tax situation sorted oat, or we're gonna have some problems soon. I don't want to have to get any courts involved, but this really is a serious matter, Princess."

Cadance shook her head. "I already said that I sent the Empire's tax money to Canterlot. Princess Celestia even sent me a letter confirming that they got the payment."

"Oh, dear," Canadance said, "This problem is bigger than I imagined, if Celestia's trying to collect your taxes."

"Why would—" Princess Cadance stopped herself, holding up a hoof. "Okay, I think one of us is confused here. Why shouldn't Celestia collect our taxes?"

"Because she doesn't own the land, of course," the white princess chirped.

Silence struck the room like a brick of solid lead. Cadance looked back at the guards, each of which were slowly lowering their spears to point at their guest. "Explain," Princess Cadance said flatly.

"Wow, we are confused, aren't we?" Canadance withdrew a little piece of paper from her saddlebags and laid it out on the floor. She unrolled and spread it, revealing it to be a map of Equestria and the surrounding regions. She pointed a hoof toward the mountains at the north end. "The Crystal Empire falls within the boandaries of our nation—that is, within the boandaries of Canada."

The Crystal Princess leaned forward, looking at the map as Canadance continued, "After the Crystal Empire disappeared, Canada was formed in the area where it used to be, encompassing everything north of Neighagra Falls and even part of the Unicorn Range. Do you see where I'm going with this?"

Cadance bit her lip. "I... I think so, but go on."

"Well, now that the Crystal Empire has returned, it falls on our side," Canadance said, tapping a hoof to the north end of the map. "In other words, the Crystal Empire is on Canadian soil."

"But it's a separate entity," Cadance argued, her eyes flitting from side to side. "The Crystal Empire was a sovereign state, separate from any other nation."

"Then why is the Empire paying taxes to Equestria, eh?" Princess Canadance rolled up the map, slipping it back into her bags. "Sorey, but the laws have changed in the last thousand years, and the Empire was gone so long that no other nation recognizes it anymore. The point is that your city is a part of Canada, and you need to be sending your taxes to us, not Equestria. Because of the unique nature of the situation, I'll give you a little extra time to get a refund from Canterlot."

"I," Cadance started, glancing at the guards again. "I don't know if that's going to work. If I didn't know about this, then Celestia and Luna may not realize it, either. I need to consult with them."

Canadance brought a hoof to her chin. "Hmm. Maybe we should all have a meeting and straighten all of this oat. It sounds like nopony down there knows what's going on up north, which I don't understand at all."

"That sounds like a great idea." Princess Cadance waved a hoof at her guards, and they brought their spears back up. "I'll send a letter to Canterlot immediately. In the meantime, would you like some Crystal Berry Tea?"

"Oh, for sure."

* * * *

"Surely you jest."

"I am afraid not. We have no authority over the Crystal Empire, and never should have in the first place."

Princess Luna shook her head, closing her eyes briefly. "But this is not right. It is a pair of our ponies that sit upon the thrones in the Crystal Palace, not a pair of Canadians."

"It does not matter, sister. The city lies beyond our borders. Believe me, I have already investigated the issue. They have a legitimate claim on the land, and the city upon it. Any ordinances and statutes that could work in our favor have long since expired."

"But we have done great things for the city! We defended the city against great evil and dispelled that miserable tyrant Sombra! What has the Canadian government done? Nothing. The city should be ours, not theirs."

"We moved into their city and destroyed the previous ruler, therefore it should be ours." Celestia raised one brow, gazing down at her sister. "What does that sound like to you?"

Luna turned her head, looking sideways at Celestia and hesitating. "Conquest. When you word it so, it sounds as though we took the city by force."

"Precisely. Claiming that we should have ownership over the Crystal Empire because one of our royals and some of our military currently reside in it could be seen as an act of occupation, of war, even."

"Then what do you suggest we do, Celestia?"

Celestia turned away slowly, eyes downcast. "I am afraid that we have no choice but to concede, and—"

Luna gasped. "You're just going to let them take the Crystal Empire?! After all we have done for the city and its ponies?"

Princess Celestia didn't say anything for a long while, merely staring out the window at the Crystal Mountains in the distance. She could see the Crystal Palace even from Canterlot, it's shining spire sticking up like a giant, gleaming icicle. Eventually, Celestia's mouth slid open. "Luna, dear sister, there is something you must understand about Canada. We cannot afford to upset them, you see, because they provide something of great importance to the ponies of Equestria: maple syrup."

"Maple syrup?" Luna inquired.

Celestia nodded. "It is a sweet, viscous condiment made from the sap of maple trees. Canada produces more than eighty percent of all the maple syrup in the known world. If our good relations with them were to diminish, or even dissolve completely, and importation became problematic, it could very well cripple our nation's supply of the product."

"Maple syrup," Luna repeated incredulously, "a food condiment."

"I do not expect you to fully understand," Celestia sighed, "You have been gone for many years, after all. Trust me, however, when I tell you that maple syrup is something our ponies could not live without. I dare say that our citizens are nearly addicted to the sweet nectar. Equestria does not have the means to produce enough syrup for its ponies. If our supply from Canada were to be cut off, the consequences could be disastrous." The Princess of the Sun finally turned away from the window to face her sister. "For the sake of our ponies, we must comply with—Luna? Is something wrong?"

The Princess of the Night was backing away, wide eyes locked on her sister. "You have gone mad," she whispered. "You are willing to give up a thriving and productive city over a sugary treat."

Celestia raised a hoof, but then simply lowered it. "Luna, have I not made it clear what is at stake here?"

"You have made it very clear that you have lost your mind, sister. No condiment is worth an entire city. We should contest this ridiculous claim of ownership."

Princess Celestia was silent again for a moment, her eyes staring into Luna's. "Perhaps you are right," she finally said, turning her back on Luna. "Perhaps the city is worth fighting for. Before you make any decisions on the matter, however, I insist that you at least meet with the princess from Canada and hear her out. She is already on her way to Canterlot, along with Princess Cadance. They should be here by tomorrow morning."

Luna sighed. "I suppose it is only fair. I shall listen to what she has to say, but I make no promises about changing my mind."

"I would not ask for more, dear sister," Celestia said, her lips forming a little smile as she looked out toward the north again. "I would not ask for more."

* * * *

The next morning found Princess Luna sitting quietly on her dark bed, a book resting in front of her hooves. She turned away as a knocking sound reached her ears, however, and slid from the bed. She trotted to the door, pulling it open with her magic. "Are they here?"

Celestia nodded from just outside the doorway. "They await us in the great hall. Come."

Luna made her way out the door, following alongside her sister. As the two turned a corner, Luna spoke up. "I do not expect to be swayed by this 'Princess Canadance.' We deserve the city, despite what any antiquated laws may say."

"I know you feel that way, but try to keep an open mind. International politics is tricky business, as they say. At least remain polite to our guest."

Luna only huffed in response before pushing open the double doors and stepping into the great hall. Princess Cadance and Princess Canadance were already seated, but they both rose to their hooves upon seeing the two alicorns enter.

"Presenting, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna," announced a guard from his spot by the door.

Canadance bowed to the two sisters, and they bowed in return. "Good morning, Your Highnesses. You have a very beautiful city here."

"Thank you," Celestia said with a soft smile, taking a seat at the long, wooden table. "And good morning to you, Princess Canadance."

"Indeed," was Luna's clipped commentary as she sat down beside her sister, and then silence fell over the table. Luna stared at Canadance, her eyes cold and her face blank. Canadance looked from Luna to Celestia, and then back again. Celestia was watching Canadance with her gentle smile. Cadance, meanwhile, was watching all three with a furrowed brow and an uneasy grin.

Princess Cadance made a couple of coughs into her hoof before saying, "Well, it's good that we were all able to attend this meeting on such short notice."

"Oh, for sure," Canadance agreed. "The faster we can get all of this settled, the better. I'm curious, though." She leaned against the table a little, amber eyes still flitting between the royal sisters. "How did this mix-up happen in the first place? I thought our borderlines were pretty clear."

"I wondered the very same thing," Celestia replied. "I am afraid it was the result of poor record keeping here at the palace. Very few maps survived the last thousand years, and those that did were not as accurate as I had thought, leading me to believe that the Crystal Empire was several miles south of its actual location."

"Ahh, I see. That explains a bit."

"Our turn," Luna cut in. "Where were you when King Sombra was threatening the Crystal Ponies with slavery?"

Canadance turned to Luna. "To be quite honest, we were gathering our forces to move into the city and potentially throw you ponies oat." Luna's blue eyes narrowed, and Canadance explained, "All we knew was that a city appeared, the Equestrian military moved into it, a big, magical bubble formed aroand the city, and then this shadow monster started flying aroand. We didn't know what was going on, but it looked like an invasion. Luckily for everypony, you guys cleared everything up and blew that evil unicorn away, so it all turned oat okay."

"Why are we only hearing about this property issue now?" Celestia asked. "Clearly, your administration knew about the city and Princess Cadance since the Crystal Empire returned."

"We aren't actually sure aboat that. I sent a representative to the city the day after Sombra was destroyed, with instructions to explain that we would allow Cadance and Shining Armor to manage the place under Canadian rule. They came back and said everything went smoothly, so I don't know what went wrong."

Cadance brought a hoof to her chin, staring down at the table. "Right after we got rid of King Sombra? I was pretty out of it for a while after that. Keeping Sombra oat— er, out really drained me. I don't remember the next day at all."

"Hmm. That would explain why he said that you seemed a bit strange. We just assumed you were high, though, heh heh."

At about that time, the hall doors opened up again. Two pale unicorns entered the room, one carrying stacks of plates and utensils, and the other holding a silver-domed serving dish in her magic.

"I hope that you do not mind, Princess Canadance," Celestia said as the unicorns went about setting the table, "but I had some breakfast sent up for us. Or dinner, rather, in my sister's case." The servers disappeared back into the corridor, and Celestia raised the silver lid from the tray, revealing the golden-brown stacks within.

Luna squinted. "What is that?"

"You've never had pancakes?" Canadance inquired, one of her brows rising above the other.

"Forgive me, Canadance," Luna spat, "but I have been gone for one thousand years, and I have had more important things to do than sample every food that has been invented since my return."

"They're really not that new...." Canadance muttered while Celestia laid a stack of the flapjacks on each pony's plate.

"Oh, dear," Celestia breathed once she had passed out the food. "It would seem that I have forgotten to order a topping for our breakfast." She turned, her lips twitched up into a half-grin. "Princess Canadance, you wouldn't happen to have a condiment, would you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do." Canadance retrieved a jar from her saddlebags. She held it up proudly, the yellowy, viscous liquid inside matching her eyes in color. "Here, let me get that for you," she said, spinning open the jar in her magic and dumping some of the amber fluid onto Luna's pancakes.

"What is that?" Luna asked in mild alarm. "What are you doing to my dinner?"

"That's the best maple syrup in the world, eh," Canadance answered, "straight from Canada's finest sugar houses."

Luna scoffed. "Yes, I have heard of this maple concoction. Quite the commodity, from what I understand." Luna leaned down, sniffing at the syrupy stack of pancakes for a moment. Her horn shone with a blue light, and her fork cautiously hovered over to her plate.

Celestia turned away from her sister as the Lunar Princess gingerly picked at her food. "Well, I would like to apologize for this misunderstanding that we would seem to have had. However, there remains the issue of these taxes. Some have expressed the belief that the Crystal Empire should rightly belong to Equestria, despite it falling within your borders."

Canadance nodded slowly. "Yes, I figured some ponies might take issue with the city, especially after the incident with that dark unicorn."

"Some ponies feel that Equestria is entitled to the city due to our forces being instrumental in the expulsion of said unicorn." Celestia chanced a glance at Luna, who was gently licking some of the syrup from her pancakes.

"Well, that's why we were okay with Shining and Cadance here running the city. The place needed a leader, and they'd done such a good job that we decided to just let them keep managing it. But the taxes—" Canadance stopped abruptly as a sharp squeak rang out through the room. Both Canadance and Cadance turned toward the source. Celestia just smiled, not even bothering to look at Luna, who was sitting stock still, eyes clamped shut, a fork sticking from between her lips. A single tear ran down Luna's face as she pulled to now-empty fork from her mouth.

"The, uh, matter of the taxes," Canadance continued, turning back to Celestia. "Sorey, but the city is on Canadian property, you see, so they really should be going to us."

"I understand the issue at hoof. However—"

"Sister," Luna interrupted, leaping onto her hooves, "may I speak with you for a moment?"

"Excuse me." Celestia gave a quick nod to the others at the table and stood up, following Luna over to a corner of the massive room. "Yes? What is it?"

Luna hesitated, her eyes going back to the table for a moment. "Perhaps it would be best if we simply concede, and let them have the Crystal Empire."

"Oh?" Celestia asked, a smile starting to tug at the corners of her lips.

"Yes," Luna whispered with a nod. "Aside from a few recent incidents, the ponies of Equestria have enjoyed peace for many years. Why disturb that peace with avoidable strife and political upset? Canada has always remained civil in our dealings with them, after all. It's only one city built with outdated technology, after all."

"Hmm. You may be onto something, dear sister. Perhaps we should let it go."

"Yes," Luna agreed, her eyes drifting back to the unfinished stack of moist, syrup-covered pancakes on her plate. "Yes, I think that would be for best for everypony."

Author's Note

Trivia: "Canadance" is actually the name of a Canadian dance competition.