This…is Francis. She’s a rabbit—or, at least she used to be until she was cursed into one of these ridiculously brightly colored ponies and then got thrown into a well, banished to Equestria.
Yeah, you read it correctly: a rabbit. Yes, we know it’s unconventional, but you’ll just have to deal with it. Hey, watch it! Who threw that pear at me? Was it you? Yes, you in the back! Jeez, it’s not my fault she’s a rabbit! And if you have a problem, you can take it up with Francis’s parents, because—all things considered—it’s not even Francis’s fault either.
Sheesh; tough crowd.
Where was I? Oh, yes; you’ll probably be wanting to know why exactly Francis was banished to Equestria. Or maybe you’re wondering how she was turned into a pony. Or maybe you’re wondering both. Point is, you have some questions. And questions need answers. And answers…Actually I just lost my train of thought.
Let’s just start the story, shall we?
It started on a Thursday.
Yeah, a Thursday. Strange, right? You always think that weird things are supposed to happen on Fridays, or even Mondays. Or, sometimes, in horror movies, they go straight for the kill and destroy the poor protagonist’s entire weekend. But nothing, nothing ever happens on a Thursday.
But this Thursday….
Honestly, even Tuesdays are more auspicious than Thursdays…
Okay! Enough of that; back to the matter at hand. It was a Thursday (we established that) and an odd Thursday so long as we’re taking note (we might have already established that, too, I don’t recall.)
Francis was just going alone her own business for the most part, purposefully glaring at all the other rabbits she encountered in Rabbitton just to make sure they minded their own businesses, too. See, Francis is sort of a basket case, if we’re trying to be polite. She tries her best, certainly, but in the end she’s really just a hyper-maniac little bunny with anger management problems and daddy issues. And if that wasn’t enough for anyone to be dealing with, Francis was on her way to see the medicine rabbit, Madam Toadstools, to try and take care of a sore throat.
So here’s Francis hopping along down the road…Well, you know what? No one cares about this bit. Let’s skip ahead to some action, shall we?
So here’s Francis, going inside Madam Toadstool’s burrow after knocking (well, banging so long as we’re being honest) politely on the door and allowing Madam Toadstool to answer with a croaking, cheery “come in!”.
“You must be Francis,” Madam Toadstool croaked wisely. “Please, close the door behind you, and we’ll see what we can do about your sore throat. Just give me a moment to go to the back storage room for some ingredients…”
Madam Toadstool toddled off, leaving Francis to her own devices.
Francis grumbled to herself, but shut the door before bouncing forward and seating herself next to Madam Toadstool’s great big cauldron. Lining the entire back wall to the burrow were rows and rows of potions, ingredients, and dusty looking books that didn’t look like they’d been touched in years. Then, on the lower shelves, Francis saw something curious—a giant carrot with a majestic orangey sheen. Understand now, Francis hadn’t eaten anything in some time on account of her sore throat, which meant she was veeeery hungry. And though she couldn’t eat now, that was certainly the first thing she would want to do as soon as Madam Toadstool fixed her throat.
So what was Francis to do? Well, she snatched that carrot. Stole it right from under Madam Toadstool’s nose, with no one the wiser when the old crone hobbled back in to the room, throwing a few things in the cauldron and humming while it cooked.
The smell was something foul, and Francis wrinkled her pink little nose when she was handed a vial of the vile liquid with a cheery “drink up, deary”.
Now usually Francis would have grumbled and complained, but at this point she was really quite hungry. So she downed that vial with a few gulps and then tossed it aside with a satisfied belch (she hadn’t had anything to drink in a while, either). And then, almost suddenly, Francis started to feel something bubbling and tumbling in her belly. And then it spread all over until the very tips of her paws were tingling and suddenly…..POOF!
……Yes. Well.
If we want to be polite, like we were with Francis, we’d say that Madam Toadstool was a medicine woman. If we’re not (and really, give us a reason why we should be) then Madam Toadstool was a witch, and really not a very good one at that. So when Francis mentioned she was “a little hoarse”, well…Let’s just say Madam Toadstool mixed up a few of her ingredients, and what we ended up with is a rabbit who’s been transformed into a pony (and not a very good-looking pony while we’re at it…)
As soon as she realized what had happened, Francis was furious, and rightly so! A rabbit who’d been transformed into a pony—who’d ever heard of such a thing! Furious, Francis chucked her carrot angrily at the wall, stomping her hooves and swishing her tail. Only, unbeknownst to her, this particular carrot wouldn’t have been safe for consumption in any case as it was really a Flamethrower Carrot 5000 Produced by 24Carrot Inc. Francis’s antics set the flamethrower off, and with a WHOOOOSH and a BAM and a SNAP CRACKLE POP POW! the burrow was completely burned out.
Of course, Madam Toadstool and Francis escaped, but that’s not the point, really. Because that whoosh of a fire spread across the town in seconds, and Francis threw a raging fit as she realized that she’d just burned down half of Rabbitton like a spoiled little brat.
And, well, that was that, more or less. Francis got arrested by the Rabbitton police, who arrived with the firefighters and were quite astounded by the transformation, but did their duties all the same.
Now, due to the Great Pony Stampede of ’74 (tragic event; I sob at the memorial every year without fail), the rabbits of Rabbitton weren’t exactly pony-friendly people. Well, that and Francis burned down half the town with a flame throwing carrot, but that’s not the important bit. The important bit is that, now, as a pygmy pony, she was no longer welcome in Rabbitton.
So they threw Francis down the well leading to Equestria (which they were sure she’d never get out of again because, don’t you know, ponies can’t climb through magical wells. In fact, I don’t think ponies can rock climb at all…)
And that is how Francis got to be even more of a persnickety little grump than she already was.
Oh, but you say, why is Francis still upset? That story wasn’t good enough for you because it happened in the past? Well, beside being banished from her only home and being trapped as a pony probably for the rest of her life (and, mind you, as Francis was once a rabbit, she’s not particularly fond of ponies herself)….Yes, well on top of all of that, Francis also has to deal with her new neighbor: a pink pony who eats pie. Oh, excuse me, that is to say a pink pony named Pinkie Pie.
Apparently, the two of them didn’t get off on the right, er…. “hoof”, so to speak. And can you blame poor Francis? I mean, really: who can really hit it off with a pony who defies all of the natural laws of the world in order to display a disturbingly high pitched squeak of a voice and who’s energy levels allow her to literally bounce off walls?
Yeah. I didn’t think so.
And that, ladies and gents, is what we have thus far in the story of Francis the Rab—er. Pony. Yes. Francis the Pony. And why end the story now, when you don’t have a proper ending? No conclusions or lessons learned?
Well why bloody not, I ask you?
(Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical.)
