Not Your Assassins, Dweeb

by ChibiRenamon

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Trixie, Gilda, Adventure, Shining Armor
Length: 3777

By the time Princess Celestia chained her to the execution site, Gilda knew that her week was going to suck. Now she wants to find out who set her up, and she is not alone.

By the time Princess Celestia chained her to the execution site, Gilda knew that her week was going to suck. Now she wants to find out who set her up, and she is not alone.

Cover art by Earthsong, who never fails to blow my mind with her skills and talent.

Current status: I've been neglecting this fic for way too long and I absolutely apologize for that. 2018 was the year I revved up my writing again, and I want to make 2019 the year I actually finish a few fics, including this one.

Published 2014-08-31 03:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-31 03:10:05 UTC

Worst Party Aftermath Ever

"Hey there, beautiful," the stallion whispered and put on what was probably his most seductive smile. "What's a lovely griffon like you doing in a forest like this one?"

Gilda had thought that, after the last couple of days, nothing would be able to surprise her anymore. She had been wrong. "...what? Who, me?"

"Oh, such modesty!" He laughed quietly. "Yes, you. You don't see any other griffons anywhere, do you?"

"Yes, I mean, no, I mean-" Gilda took a deep breath. "Is this some kind of joke?" She lowered her voice. "Or a plan?"

"Mhhh, I indeed have a plan." He winked and took a step closer to her. "I don't think there's a cozy restaurant here, so I can't treat you to the candlelight dinner you undoubtedly deserve, but I'm sure we'll find a nice, soft clearing where we can just rest and... explore."

The griffon blushed slightly under her feathers. Despite being a unicorn, the stallion was built like a tank. A very, very pretty tank. She knew she needed to protest, but somehow, her brain completely failed to send words to her mouth.

"...come to think of it, where is here, anyway?" The stallion was looking mildly confused for a moment before falling back into his routine. "Ah, who cares about that, right? You're here, I'm here... nothing else matters."

She tilted her head. "Are you feeling well? We're on a mission, so what's with you suddenly acting all ga-ga?"

"Mission?" He gave her a quizzical look.

"You seriously don't remember?"

"Afraid not..." The unicorn was looking mildly uncomfortable now, and Gilda wasn't sure if this was because he felt that he should remember or because he didn't want to look like an ignorant fool in front of the griffon he had apparently fallen in love with. "But tell you what!" He suddenly lay down next to one of the trees nearby and pulled her closer with his unicorn magic. "Make yourself comfortable and tell me what I need to know!" He beamed. "You know, like story time!"

Gilda took a deep breath... and did as she was told. Lying down next to this stallion felt all too natural and comfortable, and he immediately scooted closer until their bodies were barely touching. Oh heaven help me...

"You're so beautiful," he whispered. And before Gilda could even think of jumping away, he leaned over and gave her a faint kiss on her left cheek.

And as she looked into this beautiful stallion's eyes, Gilda the griffon could think only one thing: I am so freaking dead.

The stallion's name was Shining Armor.

He was married.

Gilda knew this for a fact because his wife had threatened to eviscerate her if anything happened to her husband.

She took a deep breath. I need to stall. I can get out of this once our caster gets back. She can undo whatever spell fudged with his brain. ...I hope. "Once upon a time, Rainbow Dash..."

* * *

Rainbow Dash had said that parties were the most fun if ponies got smashed enough to juuust barely remember them the next morning. Of course, this was a thin line to straddle. Too little, and you would remember acting like a moron, which wouldn't be much fun. Too much, and you wouldn't remember anything, which was no fun at all. (Of course, that had been before Rainbow had turned into a complete dweeb whose idea of a fun party was pinning the tail on the donkey and playing stupid pranks, no alcohol involved anywhere.)

As she came to her senses, being dragged by a chain connecting steel cuffs around her front legs, Gilda decided that she had either had way too much to drink during the last party... or that the party was just getting to the really fun part. "Uh, okay?" she asked groggily and tried to puzzle out where - and when - she was.

The force pulling the chain immediately increased, causing her to stumble forwards. "Keep moving!" a female voice growled, and Gilda turned her head towards the source.

The white-coated pony was walking in front of her and slightly to the left, looking straight ahead. She was slightly taller than the ponies Gilda was used to, but that wasn't what caught her attention at that moment. Boy, her face is a mess. Way too serious. Angry, even? And is she crying? ...I'm getting the feeling that this isn't the fun part of the party. The faint glow around the pony's long horn made Gilda assume that this was the pony pulling her along. I know her... I've seen her somewhere before... but I don't think I ever chatted with a unicorn this tall. Booze aside, I'm pretty sure I'd remember that. She tried to get a look at the pony's cutiemark.

Gilda stopped turning her head when she noticed the pair of wings on the supposed unicorn. "Aw crap, you're Princess Whatsherfacetia, aren't you?" she asked split-seconds before her brain decided that yes, that was indeed Princess Celestia and yes, that was the wrong way to address a member of the royal family, especially when said member of the royal family was angry at you.

As if to confirm the stupidity of Gilda's behavior, Princess Celestia, benevolent ruler of the magical land of Equestria, yanked at her chain with enough force to fling Gilda across what looked a lot like the royal courtyard. Or a royal courtyard, at least. "YOU THINK THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE, YOU DISGUSTING WASTE OF FEATHERS AND FUR?"

Gilda wasn't surprised that she wasn't able to use her wings to catch herself. If she was under arrest - and she obviously was - then restraining the wings of a flying species should be filed under "freaking duh". What did surprise her was the tone Princess Celestia was using. Granted, Gilda hadn't paid that much attention to what some boring princess normally sounded like, but even she knew that the universally loved Princess of the Sun usually wasn't the type to scream like a raving lunatic. Okay, girl, you probably screwed up big time. If you want to talk your way out of this one, you need to remember what you did. Like, now. She frowned, letting the distressed guards help her back up to her feet before Princess Celestia yanked at her chain again.

"How much longer before Code Solaris gets going?" one of the guards hissed at his companion.

"I hope less than thirty seconds, because that's all we got without one of us stalling her," the other guard whispered.

"Not it," the first guard replied immediately.

Did I piss into the royal rose gardens? Gilda looked up at Princess Celestia's face and shuddered when she saw the incoherent rage in her eyes. Probably something worse than that. The tug on her chain increased in strength, causing Gilda to lose her footing again and land on her belly, front legs stretched out in front of her. Princess Celestia didn't care about this and simply kept dragging Gilda across the ground. "Hold on, I need to-" Gilda froze when she finally took a look at her front legs. And at the blood splattered across her talons. "Oh dear heavens," she wheezed. WHAT DID I DO? "Wait! WaitwaitwaitWAIT! What did I do!?"

Princess Celestia attached the chain to a hook jutting out of the otherwise smooth stone of the courtyard and sealed it shut with her magic. "You can plead ignorance all you want," she hissed, "but it won't save you."

"No, wait, you don't understand! I just-"

"Do you know what they call this place?" the alicorn cut her off, smiling for the first time since Gilda came by. Combined with the murderous rage in her eyes, it was a scary sight. "They call it the Scorch Mark. Do you know why they call it that? Come on, guess. It'll be fun."

"Because you burn things here?" Gilda guessed before something dawned on her. She took a look at the way her front legs were secured to the floor, then up at the princess who had completely lost her mind and finally further up at the Sun she controlled. The griffon gulped. "This is an execution site, isn't it? You're going to use the Sun to burn me to a crisp?"

"Very good, very good." Princess Celestia nodded, but Gilda could see that her mind was elsewhere. Far away, probably. "You're smart. You remind me a bit of my most faithful student. You know. The one whose throat you just slashed."

I... what? WHAT?

"You are fortunate, griffon. I am merciful. You will die, and you will die quickly and without too much pain. You will take the express route to whatever afterlife you believe in."

And with that, Princess Celestia turned around and walked away, leaving Gilda alone in the courtyard. I'm going to die, and I barely know why. Did I kill her student? I didn't even know she had one! I don't even know how I ended up in Canterlot to begin with! Somehow, her brain couldn't come up with much more outrage over this. Most mental gears were firmly locked up by the raw shock of what had apparently happened and what would happen less than a minute from now. ...is it already getting warmer, or am I imagining things?

"You old hypocrite!"

"WHAT?" Princess Celestia whirled around to glare at Gilda, but then realized that the voice didn't belong to the griffon. Scowling, she looked up. "STAY OUT OF THIS, LUNA!"

"What happened to all that talk about this being a more civilized age, dear sister?" Princess Luna, the second most powerful alicorn in Equestria, asked as she landed neatly in the courtyard. "You told me that we didn't do executions anymore."

For a moment, Princess Celestia seemed to consider grilling her sister along with Gilda. Everything about her posture signaled the desire for a confrontation. "This is different, Luna. Do you KNOW what she did?" She suddenly blinked. "Are you still hung up about not being allowed to execute the gardener?"

Princess Luna allowed herself a tiny smile. It was subtle enough that Gilda was sure that it was lost on everybody standing further away. "Your guards gave me the abridged version, yes." She paused exactly long enough to let Princess Celestia open her mouth, undoubtedly to claim victory in this short debate. "They also told me that you went straight off the deep end after the attack. That your power finally went to your head." She took a step forward. "That maybe it's time that you get to play low gravity hopscotch for a century or ten."

"How dare you imply such a thing; in front of my own guards, even?" Princess Celestia hissed, her ethereal mane throwing tiny sparks onto the stone floor. "Pah, it doesn't matter. It's not like you could follow up to such a threat, anyway."

"It wasn't meant to be a threat - contrary to the wild rumors, banishing your pale behind is not on my agenda," Princess Luna informed her sister. "However, I won't let you execute prisoners, especially not mere minutes after the crime. Principles, you see."

"You are still hung up about the gardener!" Princess Celestia marveled before cocking her head. "And if I were you, I'd move out of the way. Things will get warm and cozy in a few seconds."

Gilda couldn't help but marvel at the way Princess Luna was still standing next to her as if nothing was wrong. Then again, she'll probably just get a mild sunburn while I roast. However, the Princess of the Night apparently still had an ace under her wing. With a tiny flash of magic, she produced a scroll. Aw heck yeah, magic scroll thingie! We're getting out the badass magic artillery, right?

"Here." Princess Luna levitated the scroll towards her sister. "Read."

Wait, that's it? She isn't using them to summon lightning or something? ...maybe the scroll self-destructs? Please? Gilda's eyes went from the scroll to Princess Luna's stoic expression, then to Princess Celestia, who was just taking a look at the now unrolled scroll.

"...you WHAT?" Princess Celestia shot Princess Luna a glare of death so intense that Gilda's fears of spontaneous combustion returned in full force. She looked back at the scroll for a moment before resuming glaring at her sister. "YOU WHAT?"

"Please, you had centuries to get used to my hasty scrawls, Celestia," Princess Luna sighed theatrically. "Would you like me to read it to-"

"YOU ARE RELIEVING ME OF MY COMMAND?" Princess Celestia tossed the scroll aside, and Gilda expected it to catch fire at any moment. "MY GUARDS? MY KINGDOM? ARE YOU INSANE?"

"Celestia, you are violating the laws of the land." Princess Luna calmly started to walk towards her sister. "You are hindering an ongoing criminal investigation by threatening to incinerate evidence. Not to mention the suspect." By now, Princess Celestia's glare had turned into a wide-eyed stare. "You are re-introducing the death sentence on the fly centuries after declaring it a barbaric practice. You are not fit to lead the Royal Guard or your people right now." Princess Luna bowed her head lightly when she was standing right in front of her elder sister. "You are letting your emotions cloud your judgment. You know I know the feeling, so please let me help you before you let yourself be consumed by your rage."

"I..." Princess Celestia looked around, as if just waking up from some sort of dream, as if only now realizing that she and her guards were surrounding Canterlot's coziest execution site, complete with a Griffon Barbecue just waiting to get started. "I... Luna... you didn't see... I mean," she stammered, suddenly looking like a lost little filly.

Gilda only now realized just how traumatic the events leading up to this must have been for the princess. Did I attack her student right in front of her eyes? Heavens, she probably tried to stop me, but reacted too late. For a moment, the griffon fully sympathized with Princess Celestia's impromptu grill party plans.

"Shhh," Luna whispered. "Is she alive?"

"Y-yes... or at least... she had been... I think..." Princess Celestia ungracefully sat down on the floor. "I didn't pay attention. I think somepony called for medics, but... but... I had to be sure that the griffon didn't get away... that justice would be done... I had to avenge Twilight. That... that's all that had been on my mind..."

One of the guards finally found the strength to move in closer to his ruler. "Your Highness, Princess Twilight had been under the care of your personal medical staff when we left. Barring unforeseen circumstances, emergency treatment is probably underway in the Royal Hospital Wing. Should I send a query to the staff to get more information on her current condition?"

The two princesses exchanged looks, and Princess Luna nodded encouragingly.

"No, I will go there myself," Princess Celestia announced. "I should have stayed by Twilight's side to begin with. The power to move the Sun should not have been wasted on dragging this... griffon to an ancient execution site. It should have been used to help the medics where necessary."

Gilda decided not to ruin the moment by complaining about the way the ruler of the land was using her species' name as if it was some kind of swear word. There's a time and place for everything, even if I usually decide to flip The Powers That Be the griffon out of principle.

Princess Celestia stood up, looking more composed, more focused than during the last few minutes. "Princess Luna has complete authority over this case, and she will handle the day shift until we both agree that I am capable of taking care of it myself." She bowed deeply at her sister. "I wouldn't wish the burden of a double shift on my worst enemy, but I am confident that you will rule with the wisdom and patience I have become known for on my best days. Just promise me that-"

"Justice will prevail," Princess Luna confirmed. "Now go, this is not the time for speeches."

The guards let out a collective sigh of relief when Princess Celestia had finally entered the palace again.

"Guards!" Princess Luna suddenly snapped. "We need to seize control of the situation!" She shot a look at the guard with a slightly more fancy-looking helmet. "Captain, status report!"

"We have initiated Code Solaris the moment Princess Celestia started acting-... I mean..." He sighed when he noticed her impatient look. "The moment Princess Celestia started acting crazy."

The acting Princess of Night and Day squinted. "What is this Code Solaris? We did not have it back in my days, and I was not briefed on-"

"It's a secret code," the Captain admitted with a pained expression. "In the event that an alicorn acts against her baseline principles and endangers the kingdom or her long-term reputation, the Guards move in to contain the damage. The next-highest power is called in to deal with the direct fallout, a full-scale media blackout goes into effect, and complete non-disclosure orders are issued to all witnesses." He took a deep breath. "The Guards implemented this code roughly one thousand and one years ago in the light of the then recent events."

"Ah." Princess Luna stiffened slightly, then raised an eyebrow. "Solaris? They weren't really going for subtlety or creativity there, were they?"

"Highness, with the old castle in ruins and their divine ruler suffering from a nervous breakdown, those two things probably hadn't been high on the list of the Guards' priorities," the Captain replied wearily. "Anyway," he resumed his report, sensing that this was not the time to dwell on the past, "we shouldn't have worry about this whole... episode making it to the newspapers, though we won't be able to stop the usual wild rumors in the tabloids."

"No worries; according to the tabloids, I regularly bathe in the blood of true believers, so this might not even make it to the front page."

"Still, we won't be able to keep a lid on the fact that an attack on Princess Twilight Sparkle happened. If time allows, Kibitz might handle this one, but he is currently busy keeping the staff in check. It wouldn't hurt if you prepared a statement, just in case."

Princess Luna frowned at that. "I would be able to come up with a suitable official story if I had more than a vague idea about what happened."

"Well, forensics should be done with the throne room by now, so they'll do a scan on the gr-"

"No, I really meant that: What happened?" When she saw the Captain's surprised look, she sighed. "I had been asleep five minutes ago. Your guards suddenly burst in and only gave me the most fundamental facts before urging me to stop my sister."

"Oh, I... oh." The Captain coughed sheepishly before eyeing Gilda. "What about..."

Oh good, they finally remember again that I exist! "Actually, I'd like to know what the heck happened myself. My memory's fudged, and anything before being dragged here is basically gone."

For a second, the Captain narrowed his eyes, as if he could actually see a lie. (Gilda was moderately sure that he couldn't.) "Hrm," he finally muttered.

"Captain," Princess Luna spoke up and tapped her bare hoof - Gilda only realized now that the princess apparently hadn't even had time to put on any of her ceremonial accessories - on the ground, "I believe the facts can be shared with somepony who had been there."

"Of course!" The Captain cleared his throat. "Princess Twilight had been visiting Canterlot. She and Princess Celestia had been in the throne room, dealing with minor trade deals with the Griffon Kingdom. This griffon, Gilda, was their chief negotiator and every-"

"I was a whatnow?" Gilda asked, struggling hard not to laugh at such a ludicrous statement. "Me? Chief negotiator? Of the Griffon Kingdom? I haven't been there in years, and I never did any sort of government duty!"

"Intriguing." The Captain nodded at one of his underlings, who was already taking notes. "Well, this supposed chief negotiator talked her way into getting closer to the princesses. Some excuse about gifting necklaces, if I understood the hasty reports correctly. Then she suddenly attacked Princess Twilight, leaving her in critical condition. From that point on, you are more or less up to speed - Princess Celestia had been dragging her here almost immediately."

For a few seconds, Princess Luna just looked at the door her sister had gone through. "Very well," she finally muttered. "Place the suspect in custody. Maximum security. Captain, I want your most trusted Guards watching her day and night. If anything happens to her, I will hold you responsible. I trust you to keep any and all emotions out of this case. We also need forensics to sweep her for clues and evidence as soon as possible. I want hourly reports, starting NOW."

* * *

"Gilda?" Shining Armor asked timidly, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Well, I just told him how I had almost been executed for attempting to murder his sister, so that's to be expected, Gilda thought, but smiled gently. "Yes?"

"Oh good, so that is your name! You just mentioned it once, but I caught it and-" he whispered to himself, and Gilda's smile was immediately replaced by a scowl. "I-I mean... I'm sorry, but that story sounds so... dark. Do we have to go over this?"

What? "What?" WHAT? "You... I... what?" Gilda almost - almost - got up. "You..." She blinked. "You have no idea how any of this relates to you, do you? You have absolutely no clue how me almost killing Princess Twilight Sparkle relates to you?"

And again, Shining Armor was looking uncomfortable. "...so far, it doesn't sound like I want this to relate to me. I don't like this talk about blood and murder..."

Gilda gently ruffled his mane. A twisted and wrong part of her could see her doing this more often. At home. Or better yet, somewhere safe. Somewhere far away from the armies of the Crystal Empire. Yeah, I could just run away with Prince Gorgeous. Start a new life. Who needs to find out the puppetmaster who captured, manipulated and- She sighed. "Don't worry. It gets better. It has both of us in it, after all. And it'll end well - we'll make sure of it, right?"

He beamed and nuzzled her. "Right."

Right. I am so freaking dead.