Step 1) Come Up With a (Crazy) Idea
Author's Note
This was something I wrote during a weekend, and decided to make into a full story. Feedback in the comments is appreciated, tell me if you want to see me continue!
Step 1) Come Up With a (Crazy) Idea
A single bead of sweat meandered down the furrowed brow of the Princess of the Day.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this
The steady clip-clop of hooves on the polished marble floor grew louder and louder.
It was supposed to be a simple job. In and out within minutes.
“Sister?” Luna’s exhausted voice rang out through the lengthy castle hallways, “We merely wish to ... speak with thee.”
But nothing’s ever that easy, is it?
Celestia’s face was unreadable as she internally debated her rapidly dwindling choices. The situation had gone from bad to worse to apocalyptic as mistake after mistake occurred. Well, there was no point dwelling on the past, this state of affairs could still be salvaged. Probably. Somehow.
The sound of Luna’s trotting abruptly ceased, interrupting Celestia’s train of thought. For a split second, a brief flash of surprise could be seen on her face, before swiftly being replaced by an expression of relief.
Maybe Luna had gone and -
The closet door handle’s jiggling derailed Celestia’s train of thought yet again. This was it. The moment of -
“Sister!” Luna barked at the door, “We know thou art in the closet!”
“N-no! I don’t know what you’re talking abou-” Celestia spluttered, fumbling over her words, “I-I mean, uh ... Princess Celestia isn’t here! Yes! She, uh ... went that way!” She bumped her hoof against the cramped closet space as she pointed towards the kitchens.
Luna sighed. Already she could tell this was going to be a long day. “Stop playing thy games with us, Sister! It greatly surprises us that somehow, as the younger sibling, we are the mature one!”
“H-hey! I’m way more matur-” Celestia angrily objected, “I mean, I told you already, Princess Celestia isn’t here, Princess Luna!”
Luna’s hoof found its way to her forehead. “We are giving thou five seconds,” she deadpanned, “Until we buck down this door.”
‘Horseapples.' Celestia thought, biting her lower lip.
“One!”
Perhaps I could-
“Two!”
No, no that wouldn’t work-
“Three!”
A wave of realization washed across Celestia’s face as she realized what needed to happen.
“Four!”
Celestia spared a quick glance at the baseball sized, chrome container in her left hoof, her ace in the hole. There was only ever going to be one shot at this, and she had to make it count.
“We are warning you Sister, this is your last chance!” Luna shouted, her voice now approaching Royal Canterlot Voice levels. “Stop this foalishness immediately and open th-”
“Okay, okay,” Celestia mumbled, her voice barely above a whisper, “I’m coming out.” The defeat in her voice was almost tangible.
“We are glad that thou has finally heard the voice of reason,” Luna replied, a hint of smugness detectable in her voice, “We promise to-” Her answer was interrupted by the flimsy wooden door in front of her shattering into a million pieces with a ear-splitting CRACK, revealing her half-desperate, half-determined sister.
As Luna’s right eye twitched, the mysterious canister rolled in between the two alicorns.
“SMOKE BOMB!!”
It would have been infinitely more impressive if the smoke bomb actually produced smoke. Instead, it settled on wheezing, sputtering noises and finally dying out with a final, pathetic cough. The air in the castle suddenly dropped thirty degrees, Celestia’s blood turning to ice. If one was looking upon the scene, you could mistake her for a statue, minus the gray, stony skin.
Her eyes trailed upward, past Luna’s subtly trembling hooves, her heaving chest, the flash of pure, unadulterated rage on her muzzle, finally meeting those cold, unfeeling eyes. Cobalt eyes that revealed nothing, yet saw everything.
The constantly playing record of a bustling country was abruptly changed out for one of silence. Deep in the Equestrian badlands, the previously dormant Changeling hive awoke, sensing the battle for the ages. A long dormant volcano buried miles beneath Canterlot rumbled in anticipation. Fireplaces roared with earnest, their flames fed by the sheer fury tangible in the Equestrian air.
“Sister,” Luna stated calmly, her voice steady, “I believe we are about to, as the saying goes, ‘throw down’.”
Necks were flexed, hooves were cracked and spells were charged. The Great Canterlot Cake Heist had just turned up a notch.
~~~~
12 hours ago
~~~~
No cake, no coffee, no peanut butter. Okay, she could still work with this, the morning wasn’t completely lost. There were, uh ... eggs? Toast? Jam? Oh who was she kidding, this was hopeless. Inexplicably, the castle kitchens had run out of the absolute breakfast essentials, with nopony noticing! How!?
Didn’t she, Celestia, have an advisor for this sort of thing? What was his name ... Quill Feather? Post-It? Oh what did it matter, she fired him (or was it her?) last week when his (or her) delivery of cake was thirty seconds late.
Celestia sighed, it seemed that she’d have to get her hooves dirty, and buy some cake herself from Canterlot. No biggie, by royal decree there were ten cake shops built within 200 meters of the castle. She’d just pop by and grab a cake or twenty, then get back in time for day court. Easy peasy.
~~~~
Zero. Nada. Zilch.
That’s how many cakes the stores had. Every single one of them gave Celestia the same reason why.
“All our stock was bought by this-”
“-she was definitely a unicorn. Dark blue-”
“-weird eyes. Telescope for a cutie mark. Bore right into my soul, brrr-”
“-anyway, she bought everything. Every last one of our cakes-”
“-just dumped a bag full of bits on the counter.”
Celestia’s eyes narrowed upon the realization. Luna. For whatever reason she deemed appropriate, the Princess of the Night decided to clean out every single cake shop, bakery or otherwise pastry related store within all of Canterlot. Under her ‘Starry Sonata’ disguise, no less! Now this wasn’t peculiar in its own right, as Celestia herself traveled incognito under the name ‘Sunny Skies’, but Luna despised cake. Her life was devoted to the false prophet of ice cream, unlike Celestia, who worshiped cake, the true lord and savior of Equestria.
There was only one reason for this, Celestia concluded, and it was that to spite her for that one time when she replaced Luna’s body wash with orange dye (definitely not because she convinced Twilight to spike her ice cream with hot sauce that one time). When Luna got into that cunning, cold, calculating condition, there was no talking her out of it. Celestia could use her superior “Best Princess” status to get those delicious, delicious cakes, true. But where was the fun in that? Princesses’ lives were just sleep for two hours, argue for ten, sign papers for another twelve, rinse, repeat.
Stealing back those cakes would be no easy task. She had to get help if there was to be any chance of getting them back. There was this ... one contact she had. No ... it was too risky. Oh ponyfeathers, what choice did she have? This was a necessary danger, Celestia had no real chance otherwise. And so she began writing to her *ahem* deep cover agent in the backwater town of Ponyville.
My dearest Twilight,
Too conspicuous, there was simply too much of a risk if Luna intercepted this letter. Celestia tossed it into the trash.
Agent Purple,
Effective immediately, your new directive is to return to Baseplate Charlie. You will be briefed on your new mission assignment after your arrival. Additional OPSEC measures are still in effect.
~~~~
“-To save you the trouble, I’ve enchanted this scroll to combust one minute after sending. Best of -” Spike didn’t get the opportunity to finish the sentence as the letter immediately burnt up in his claws, ineffective against his hardened scales.
Twilight Sparkle had taken a seat at the kitchen table and slammed her right hoof into her forehead after the first words were read. The more he continued, the further down her hoof moved. Whenever there was some stupid sibling squabble between the two Princesses, Twilight turned from Celestia’s faithful student to her ‘Deep Cover Agent’. Apparently Equestrian law was totally okay with this, no questions asked. *Sigh*
As the student of a Princess, Twilight was under a binding oath to follow the Princess’ orders, down the the very last word. It was cute the first couple times, she supposed, but the novelty quickly wore off. Now the fun, light-hearted pranks had turned into a war of attrition. At least Celestia was sane enough to let her stop sending friendship reports every single week, this was exhausting as it was.
“Again?” Spike sighed, not used to the antics.
“Again,” Twilight replied, “and as much as I hate to leave you, she’s still my mentor. There’s got to be some sort of ulterior motive, or lesson on friendship or something behind this. At least I think so, it’s becoming really hard to tell now. I mean, is ‘It’s really funny to spike Luna’s ice cream with Tabasco’ really a friendship lesson?”
“I hear you Twi, they’ve been acting really weird after the first time Princess Celestia called you to Canterlot.”
“Anyway, could you please cancel my spa appointment with Rarity, and tell Fluttershy that I can’t help her today? I have a train to catch. Thanks Spike!”
Spike blinked, “Wait. Can’t you just teleport straight there?”
“I could, yes. Or I could take a long deserved break on that train.”
“... You? Take a break? I take it back Twi, the Princesses aren’t the only ones acting weird.”
Twilight sighed as she flung open the library door with her telekinetic grasp. Today was going to be a long, long day.
~~~~~
...the train is set to arrive about 4 hours after you get this letter. I’ll head straight to the castle, alone.
P.S. What happened to that pay raise you promised me? I thought we had a deal?
Spike
Reading over Twilight’s reply, Celestia frowned; what was the point of doing all this if you weren’t allowing yourself to get immersed? Eh, she was getting her mane in a twist, her loyal student had always helped when called upon. And not because she had to under the threat of life imprisonment. Rubbing her two front hooves together, Celestia allowed herself a small smirk of victory, the first of many. The Great Canterlot Cake Heist’s planning phase had begun.
Step 2) Gather Your (Inept) Specialists
Twilight let out an contemplative sigh as she aimlessly twiddled with a quill. Her eyes traced the contours of rolling green meadows and bountiful farmland as they transitioned into small clumps of villages, then into larger, more imposing edifices. Clouds lumbered over the far blue yonder, and the sun began to sink down into the horizon, painting the sky’s canvas dazzling pastel colors of yellow, orange and red.
Sweet Celestia, this was almost as boring as Pinkie’s family.
Mentally calculating the amount of time left to get to Canterlot, Twilight groaned, she’d been here for three hours already. There was nothing left to do! She’d completed the intricate plan that she was going to show to the Princess in around half the time she had estimated it would take. Well ... one last revision wouldn’t hurt, right? She pulled a coffee-stained paper sheet from her saddle bags and unfurled it.
Master Plan
Step 1) Get heisting related items
Step 2) Heist
Step 3) ????
Step 4) Profit
Yes, yes ... there was nothing that could go wrong with this , Starswirl the Bearded himself would be jealous of the methodical work and care put into this master strategy. Now the only thing left to do was wait.
~~~~
“No no no, where is it?” Celestia muttered to herself as she rummaged around ancient cardboard boxes, hurling them left and right. She had spent the last three hours desperately searching for her old equipment that used a thousand years ago. Would it still work? She was pretty sure that they had expiration dates, or something of the sort. With Luna banished to the moon, there was no need for any sort of cake heists or heisting equipment whatsoever. And so they were simply relegated to sit in some unknown storage room, with no more to be produced.
Celestia was really beginning to regret that decision right about now.
“Aha! Finally!” She exclaimed as she grasped the final box in the room, flipping it around in her magical grasp until she could see the label.
SUPER DUPER TOP SECRET: PRINCESES ONLY
Ugh, that typo from years long past was still there. It was a good thing that only she and Luna had ever seen it. Unpacking the container, Celestia began to take stock of the provisions. Three smoke bombs, a jet black catsuit and a pair of binoculars. Okay, so she might have overestimated how many things were in this box, a thousand years tends to make you forget a figure or two.
Slipping into the catsuit, or at least attempting to, Celestia huffed and puffed as she tried to shimmy the zipper upward. “Almost ... almost .... there!” She visibly blanched as the realization washed over her. You know... that horrible, horrible realization which makes your blood freeze solid. She, Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun and Herald of the Day, was getting fat.
"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK!!!”
~~~~
“-KKKKKK!!!”
“HM!? Whazzat?” Twilight Sparkle was jolted awake by the bloodcurdling scream coming from ... Canterlot Castle? She squinted her eyes in confusion, staring out the train window at the looming mountain in the distance. There was nopony in the train car with her, so she had a full unobstructed view of the pristine capital of Equestria.
~~~~
Meanwhile in Ponyville...
“Rarity! Rarity! Sis!” Sweetie Belle charged through the doors of Carousel Boutique, barreling past several stacks of precious silk and golden thread.
“OOF! Slow down Sweetie!” Rarity was molding cloth and thread into an ornate new dress for a wealthy client from Manehattan potentially worth thousands, if not millions of bits, “I need this done by today, and Celestia help me if I don’t finish.”
“Sorry, but I heard a cool new word today, Rarity!”
“Oooh, that’s fantastic! Care to tell me what it is?” Rarity replied. The more things Sweetie learned and less horrifically dangerous crusading she did, the better. And besides, she couldn’t afford to fail this order because of their antics, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.
“Uhh, it’s ... um, ah ... Oh yeah! It’s ‘buck’!”
KKKKKKSSSSSSCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH
The dress was not completed on time.
~~~~
Back in Canterlot...
So here Twilight Sparkle was, trembling in front of Canterlot Castle. Its imposing proportions loomed over her like an impending thunderstorm and the glimmering golden roofs winked wildly under the sinking evening sun, blinding her. Gulping, she slowly set one hoof in front of the other and began her trek inside.
Even after all her years here studying as Celestia’s personal student, Twilight could never truly wrap her mortal mind around the sheer size of the castle. Blindly wandering around for what seemed like an eternity, she finally stood in front of the somehow even more imposing doors to the throne room.
Wrestling down the urge to gulp again, Twilight nudged her hoof against the door, peering into the inexplicably empty throne room.
“P-princess?” she called out uncertainly, “a-are you ...”
“So you have arrived, Agent Purple,” Celestia’s voice rang out from deep with in the room, “No need to worry, this room is perfectly secure.”
“Uhhh, sure Princess,” Twilight replied uncertainly, fully opening the door and stepping in, “You called me here?”
“Indeed I did, agent.” Celestia pulled up a cushion and sat down on her haunches, Twilight soon following after. “Now, on to business, I believe you have a plan of action to show me?”
“Of course Princess!” Immediately perked up by the thought of turning in more work (weirdo), Twilight ripped open her saddlebags with renewed vigor, and levitated out her plan.
“Hmm ... heisting related items ... heist ...” Celestia mused to herself, “This ... this is ... PERFECT! Fantastic work as always Agent Purple.”
“Thank you Princess!” Twilight beamed her satisfaction, it was just another job well done.
“Now Agent Purple, onto our plan of action,” Celestia continued, dragging out a whiteboard and some markers, “The current situation is dire, we don’t have much time to act.”
“Why did you call me here in the first place anyway, Princess? Is Discord loose? Nightmare Moon is back? Oh Faust ... IS THERE GOING TO BE A TEST?”
“No, my faithful agent, something far, far worse,” Celestia’s face darkened at the thought, “Something that threatens the fate of Equestria, Equus, and even the entire world!”
“YES!?” Twilight replied, now frantic and crazed.
“There ... there are ... THERE ARE NO MORE CAKES IN CANTERLOT!” Celestia wailed.
*Cue screeching violins*
Author's Note
Apologies for the somewhat short chapter this week, there's a lot of stuff going on in school right now.
On another note, any suggestions for cover art?
