It Must be Tuesday Somewhere...

by Noble Thought

Rating: teen
Tags: Fluttershy, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, DJ P0N-3, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3432

Fluttershy, after causing one of the Dean's cars to be... violated... while taking a baby... something... to the vet, is tasked with frosh duty. Welcome to Illuminati University.

Fluttershy does penance for trashing a dean's car accidentally by being a tour guide for incoming frosh.

Will they survive? Will Minizilla escape again? Why is Vinyl Scratch in this?

Welcome to Illuminati University, Canterlot branch campus. I.O.U. is more than just our name, it's our motto!

A crossover between GURPS: Illuminati University and Equestria Girls.

Editing and pre-reading by Minds Eye (Thank you for putting up with random), waterpear, Syeekoh, and JumbledThought

Published 2014-08-31 19:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-31 19:20:03 UTC

Just another Tuesday on campus

"Alright everyone!" Fluttershy forced herself to stare down the four freshthings that she'd been put in charge of. "Please keep up, keep your hands in your pockets, and try not to let anything eat you."

"Wait... what? Eat us?" asked one of the frosh—a scrappy looking demihuman of some indeterminate breed of cat. Probably from some neighboring dimension.

Fluttershy checked her clipboard. Stan? She looked back up to her charges. Or Whisk— Wesk? Whesker? Shaking her head and lowering the clipboard again, she smiled. "Oh my yes, Whiskers. You especially don't want to run into anything from the DMB."

"Uh... What?"

Another one of them was flipping through the forty pound Survival Guide: Essential Skills for College. "Oh." She leaned over to point out the entry to Whiskers. "Department of Military Biology."

"That's right! Good job..." Fluttershy glanced at the clipboard with their names hastily scrawled on it.  "Vinyl Scratch, was it?" It's either that or Candy Apple. She didn't look like a Candy Apple. That was probably the other girl, the blond skinned, peach haired young woman.

"Yes ma'am!" The pale human girl removed her goggles and winked at her. "This place is gonna be wicked cool!"

Fluttershy laughed weakly and shook her head. "Be... Um. Just remember to always know where the nearest fallout shelter is." She pointed out the one closest to them, very visible with its bright orange, almost festive neon sign. "They're all the same. Water, food for a year, executive lounge, and skeeball."

It contrasted quite a lot with the otherwise drab gray stone buildings that made up the rest of the campus. Though it blended in perfectly well with the colorful and varied student populace. Especially at that time of year.

Fall rush was always a stressful time for Fluttershy. A week before school started there were already tours going on, some of them in armed convoys. Hers was thankfully a low key affair through the tamer portion of the campus—the only portion of the campus she dared set foot on without Rainbow Dash by her side.

"Everyone, please duck as you step past this line." She tapped her foot on a crack in the sidewalk and crouched down until she was almost crawling under the invisible obstruction.

A cat call from behind her was swiftly followed by a startled yowl and a resounding bong.

Tucking her skirt more tightly against her legs, Fluttershy half-turned to see who'd not followed her instructions. "Whiskers, I'm so sorry you hit your head, but I did warn you. The mimes from Applied Theology are practicing today." Fluttershy waved at the pair of mimes practicing their Atlas Squared act on either side of the path. One of them shrugged at her causing the imaginary world to topple over and crash into a tree, splintering it.

"Come on everyone. Let's get moving, if you don't mind." Half of her little group was still staring at the crushed tree and the mimes trying to roll away the invisible world. "Please?" The sidewalk was getting crowded as other visitors and a small crew of mimes from the SPCA came to sort things out or generally cause more chaos.

I wish, I wish I was back in our apartment. The I.O.U. branch campus in Canterlot always got a huge influx of new students every year, some of them not entirely human.

Not that Fluttershy was a humanist or anything of the sort, but ever since she'd met a dragon with an anti-human bumper sticker—I like humans… with ketchup—she'd not wanted to even try to find out more about some of the other... more carnivorous looking species.

"Um. Miss Shy." Vinyl made a coughing noise behind her. "Aren't you going to actually, y'know, tell us about the campus? I mean, the book is kinda vague on which building is which."

She hefted the book with the help of a spell and showed her the map. Or, what looked like a map. What had been a four dimensional construct had somehow been crammed down to three dimensions, then reprinted as two. The resultant mess looked like vomit; very graphic vomit.

"Oh. Right." She looked away quickly. "I forgot that the gnostic gnomes designed the map this year." She blushed, and pointed to the monolithic structure just to the side of the road ahead. "That's the W.U.S.E. building." She turned slightly and pointed at another building, with smoke coming out of a hole in the side. Containment of the DMB's miniaturized Godzilla prototype must have failed again. "That's... um. That's the Department of Military Biology. Remember I told you to watch out for—"

"That doesn't tell me anything!" A hulking slab of living meat grabbed her by the wrist and lifted her bodily off the ground. "If I wanted the quick tour, I'd have her show me around." He shoved a meaty finger at Vinyl.

Who lowered her goggles again and peered at the finger as though it were a meat-steak. "Watch where you point that thing. I'm hungry."

"Let me go!" Don't panic! Just do what Rainbow said. Fluttershy's free hand plucked one of the crochet needles from her bun, but then just stared up at the hand holding her. Practice was one thing. Actually... stabbing a person... She shuddered and closed her eyes. The other needle in her hair slipped out and clattered to the sidewalk.

"Oh yeah?" He jabbed the finger at Vinyl again. "What're you gonna do about it?"

He grunted in sudden pain as a blue skinned hand struck the wrist holding Fluttershy up. "Lay offa my girlfriend or you'll lose the hand."

"And you're gonna make me? I bet you couldn't—"

"Oh. It's on." Rainbow Dash slid around in front of him faster than he could react, turned and planted her steel-clad moopsball cleat in his crotch in a backwards buck--spikes first. "Never bet against me," she growled as he crumpled, finally letting go of Fluttershy.

Whiskers stared, then flipped open a smaller guide—the one labelled Canterlot Shadowbolts—stared at one page, then at Rainbow Dash.

"Holy—" He leaned over to Candy Apple, the nondescript human. "That's Rainbow Dash! No one's been able to keep up with her this season. MVP skirmisher."

Candy Apple rolled her eyes. "Why do you even like that sport? I heard she almost killed someone last year; on the field even!"

"Oh yeah! That was an awesome play. Too bad they had to censor it. At least they ruled it an accident." Whiskers shrugged and stared at Rainbow. "That happens when power armor is part of the regulation gear." He held up the flyer. "Do... you think she might autograph it for me?"

"Hopeless..." Candy Apple shook her head.

Rainbow glared at the groaning man on the ground and then looked up to wave to Whiskers. "Heh, maybe later. I didn't do that play on purpose, y'know. Some suit jockey amped up the power on the arms beyond regs. Ended up taking a bit more than the ball from him." She blushed and stepped over to squat next to Fluttershy and picked up the fallen darning needle. "You okay there?"

"Rainbow!" Fluttershy hugged Rainbow's legs tightly. "Thank you!"

"No problem, babe. What was I gonna do? Let him just manhandle ya like that?" Rainbow brushed her fingers through Fluttershy's hair and caressed her ear. "I'm just glad that you stayed calm."

"I was going to... to..."

"Shh. You didn't have to. Leave the rough stuff to me if you want, okay?" Rainbow pulled her into a gentle embrace and glared at the shuddering piece of meat on the ground. "Might wanna work on that 'tude, dude. And listen to her. She's way smarter than you'll ever be." She paused, then flipped the darning needle around in her fingers. "Don't mistake her gentleness for weakness either. She's a black-ball combat knitter."

Fluttershy smiled weakly and stepped away briefly from Rainbow to work her disarrayed bun back into order. "Oh no... I'd never use it like that. Violence is only the answer if there's no other way." She paused to fix her hair in place with both needles. "Or if I'm in danger. Right, Rainbow? That's self defense, isn't it?"

"Yeah, babe." Rainbow snickered and pulled her in closer to kiss on the cheek then shot a nasty look at the whimpering meatsack on the ground. "You don't wanna mess with someone who's mastered combat knitting. Or the star skirmisher of the moopsball team." She kissed Fluttershy more firmly on the cheek, then bared her teeth in a fierce smile. "'Specially if they're in a relationship with each other."

Fluttershy leaned into the comforting, warm strength of her lover's embrace. Losing herself for a moment in the fading rush of adrenaline and the steady, heady aroma of Rainbow's musky post-workout body, she bent to press a firmer kiss into Rainbow's neck, her tongue playing along the line of a taut tendon.

"Uh... Fluttershy," Rainbow whispered in her ear. "Not now."

Reality rushed back in and told her she'd been getting randy in public. Impulse control... Isn't that what Twilight keeps saying I need to work on? She shook her head. "Sorry... I'm just a little frazzled, I suppose. I... um. I got asked to help with freshthing orientation this year."

"What? Really? So the Archdean really made you do it, huh? I wouldn't have thought that borrowing Dean Chrysalis' car to take a baby... whatchamacallit to the clinic woulda been frowned on that badly." She laughed. "I guess I can see it, though. Hot damn that thing's vomit was nauseating."

"Rainbow... Ix-nay on the omit-vay!" Fluttershy nudged her and tried to smile convincingly at the freshthings, and images of the map and its reminiscent of vomit printing flickered through her mind again.

Vinyl shook her head.

The meatsack on the ground shook, whimpered, and clutched its nutsack.

"Hah! Right." Rainbow glanced between the three standing frosh and wrapped her arms around Fluttershy's waist. "Don't any of you get any funny ideas. She's under my protection."

"Rainbow! I appreciate your concern, but—" She glanced at the other students. Of the four, Vinyl was staring at the smoking hole in the side of the distant DMB building, the inside-out meat-sack was clutching his crotch and wasn't looking anywhere. The catboy had his tongue hanging out and the non-descript young woman was trying her best not to stare—and failing spectacularly. "I don't think you're making it easier."

"Fine..." Rainbow rolled her eyes at the group and leaned in to peck Fluttershy on the cheek. "Don't forget. It's Linguini night tonight."

"I won't." Fluttershy held Rainbow's hand until she'd dashed out of reach, and stared after her for a long moment, dashing her way across the quad while dodging several fights between the CIA pigeons and the ones imported from Pigeon Forge. Another day on the quad.

At least the Squirrel Underground wasn't out in force—they'd been sulking since the deans took away their automatic weapons permit. Everyone had breathed a sigh of relief at that.

"That is so hot."

"Excuse me?" She rounded on the potential students and tried to look intimidating, with one hand resting in the tangled nest of her long hair, a finger resting on one of the silvery needles holding the mess together.

The randy catboy swallowed and shook his head. "Uh. Nothing. So... What's that building?" He pointed at the dingy grey building made out of monolithic granite blocks. "My advisor said I should meet someone there. Something about engineering."

Fluttershy sighed and brushed a lock of hair from her eyes. "WUSE," she said, "is where most of you will be attending courses. It stands for the College of Weird and Unusual Science and Engineering. W-U-S-E."

She turned slightly and pointed at the high fence and guard towers around the stadium. "That's the SPCA, of which Rainbow Dash is a student—and where I take my classes for my minor. It's the School of Performing and Creative Arts. Also the home of the moopsball team."

Vinyl pumped her fist in the air. "Go Canterlot—"

A roar split the late afternoon air, shaking the ground and startling the birds in the quad into silence. A stomp that shook the ground followed ominously close behind it.

All of the birds in the quad fled without pausing another second to get in a last peck or scratch.

Fluttershy sighed. Again? The View must have aired a re-run.

"You might want to, um, run." She pointed behind them at the flashing neon sign of the fallout shelter when they just stared at her. "Remember what I said about the fallout shelter! Go!"

Vinyl stayed behind while the rest of them fled for shelter—even the meat-man crawled up and awkwardly hobbled away.

"You're kidding, right? I mean, that's the most awesome thing I've ever seen! No way am I gonna—"

Fluttershy grabbed her by the front of her shirt pulled her down just as a blast of fire from a nuclear furnace roared by overhead.

"You really should be more careful." Fluttershy yelled over the blazing inferno that vaporized a tree behind them. "You don't want to be caught out when things get hot. The DMB has been... not very good at restraining their miniature Godzilla prototype. Especially not since its box office debut bombed." She took a hold of the young woman's arm and dragged her along the ground.

The miniature monstrosity in the distance roared and breathed another column of superheated plasma, slagging a part of the W.U.S.E. main building as a few grad students stood outside, trying to shoo it away with experiments from the Department of Military Science.

Explosions, the whine and snap of particle cannons, and the crackle of a portable tesla cannon sounded over the roar and stomps of the monster.

"I swear... Applewood really needs to get their act together."

Is it really that hard to please a military science experiment? she thought, followed closely by, I wonder who will rack up the larger repair bill.

Half an hour and an anti-radiation scrub down later Fluttershy was back on tour with the freshly terrorized frosh. Another roar split the air from an oversized stereo system jury-rigged to the side of the DMB building. The miniature Godzilla—only a quarter the size of the real one—roared in return and slapped its belly. Laughing Godzilla...

She shook her head. Celestiabless the original movies...

Of course, the campus was a little bit different. As good as the WUSE cleanup crews were, growing trees back took at least a couple days and there were bulldozers still noisily covering up the latest tracks in the quad.

The frothing mass of birds fighting over territorial rights had eased somewhat at least and the CIA pigeons and the I.O.U. natives were glaring at each other uneasily over the moderate level of construction going on.

There was also one of her fellow W.U.S.E. graduate students—and good friend—setting up a random sample testing booth on the sidewalk. Business as usual.

"Hi Twilight!"

"Fluttershy, so nice to see you again! So, the dean got you assigned to it this year, huh?" She pointed at the quaking freshthings following behind her.

"Yes. I... got in trouble for that thing last week." Fluttershy sighed and glanced back at her small troupe.

The living meatsack, he'd introduced himself as Stan—as in Standard Issue—in the scrub down, was staring at her with what appeared to be newfound respect. He'd even apologized.

She hadn't been surprised to learn that his major was Rude Engineering. He'll go far. As long as he doesn't try out his classroom experiments on the wrong people.

Fluttershy turned to them and smiled. "Why don't you all go talk to the W.U.S.E. advisor over there." She pointed over at the small crowd gathered around Professor Crunch. "Crunch is one of the best teacher's you'll ever have. Just... don't get attached to your grades. Crunch is more than just a name for him."

She waited until they were out of earshot before turning back to Twilight. "Sorry about that. I'm not used to—"

"Oh, don't worry!" Twilight waved the problem away, smiling. "I'm sure everything will turn out just the way it needs to. And that baby... whatever it is, is doing just fine in its new home. Shame about the dean's car, though. I heard a bit of her call to the insurance company." She winced and leaned over to peer around Fluttershy. "Hi!"

All but Vinyl left as she'd asked. The techno bassist and W.U.S.E. general ed student had her goggles off and was staring at Twilight. Fluttershy was surprised to see that her eyes didn't seem to want to settle on a single color and fluctuated between bright red and magenta.

Apparently not perturbed by the attention, Vinyl sauntered up to Twilight and stuck out her hand. "Hey Twilight! It's been years... I think." Vinyl shook her head and peered closer at Twilight.

"Er... something like that, yes." Twilight blushed and twitched a piece of gum out of order on the table. "So... uh." She coughed and tried a smile. "Fancy, um. Meeting you here."

"Are you okay, Twilight? I haven't seen you this nervous in—"

"I'm fine, Fluttershy. Really. So... Vinyl, what have you been up to in the last, oh, week or so?"

"I've been..." Vinyl's eyes crossed and she put her goggles back on. "I can't really seem to recall. Oh! You heard of that new dance hall downtown? I just got a job as a DJ there! I remember that."

"Uh... didn't you—" Twilight shook her head. "Nevermind. I'm glad to hear it! I'm sure you have been... will be happy there!"

"Hey, I'd be happy to show you around sometime. You... so... you wanna meet up someplace later? Relive old times... get acquainted again?"

Twilight smiled and wrote her number and address on the back of a piece of gum and handed it to Vinyl. "Sure! It'll be good to catch up again. Call it a date?"

"Yeah! That'd be awesome. I'll call ya later."

Fluttershy waited until Vinyl walked away to ogle one of the footprints being filled in to sit on the sample table and look over the wide array of gum in differently colored foils; and to build up the courage to ask a question.

"Twilight... are you sure? I know you don't normally like... well, girls." She pulled a red-foiled stick out of line with the rest and tapped a finger over it. "I mean, um. I know—"

"Fluttershy, I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me. Really, I do. But can you please not..." Twilight shook her head. "It's a long story."

Fluttershy blushed and glanced away to stare at the piece of gum, then pick it up. "Oh."

Twilight sighed. "Cadance used to babysit the both of us together when we were teenagers. We... got close."

"Then why doesn't she remember you?" Pausing, Fluttershy shook her head. "For that matter, I don't remember you being together."

"I kinda accidentally erased her memory. She... sorta forgot that she attends school here. I was about to fix it, but D.O.C.T.O.R. decided it was time to run a temporal cleansing experiment that interfered with my spell. Long story short..."

"Oh." That would explain why I didn't recognize her. "Temporal mind wipe, then. And only you—and probably the deans—remember."

Twilight nodded. "Oh. Trust me: they remember." Twilight waved a hand over the wide array of gum on the table. "Why in the nine states of matter do you think I'm standing out here arranging gum?"

"And to fix it, you need to..." Fluttershy tucked the gum into a circle she made with her thumb and forefinger. "Sex it into her?"

Twilight sighed and shook her head. "That's far, far simpler than it actually is. There's a ritual, a heck of a lot of magic, and... yes, sex."

"Oh." Do I want to know? Fluttershy plucked at the foil on the gum in her fingers and sniffed at it. "What flavor is this?"

"Don't take that one. That's the hotfoot one. I'd rather not have to call the burn unit. Again." Twilight pointed at a trail of burn marks on the grass and plucked the gum from Fluttershy's hand. "Take this one. It's the Doubleme Fun flavor." She put another stick of gum in her hand and smiled too broadly.

"Um. What?" Fluttershy looked at the mint green wrapper. Nothing good came of taking things from the DRB. Especially not when Twilight was in a playful mood. "I'm not sure I want to." She was about to put it down again when Twilight closed her fingers around it.

"Trust me. You'll love it!" She winked.