Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Chapter 3 Part 2, the Revengening. A presequel.

by MrConradTheDuck

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Main 6
Length: 2268

When the universe accidentally its whole self, the mane 6 are forced to deal with cosmic madness beyond the borders of their reality. Will OPOC destroy them, or will they just go completely insane.

A soft touch, a loving caress, a simple smile. All things the son of Celestia desired, however, his life of luxury ends when his parents Discord and Chrysalis invade and he, the son of Twilight Sparkle, must fight to save the crystal empire from his evil twin sister, Dark Cadance. Will the last human survive his battle to be the strongest Alicorn Princess, or will sexism rule and deny him his rights as prettiest prettiest demi-god of super chaos. With his wife Twilightshydashpieityjack, he might have a chance at being the perfect father for Scootaloo. Join us on the Action Adventure Sad Tragedy Romance Comedy Crossover Anthro Human super sexy adventure known as Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Chapter 3 Part 2, the Revengening. A presequel. Coming to a theater book near you very far away. In a galaxy.

Published 2014-09-01 22:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-31 07:28:22 UTC

The Guardian Blade of the Uroburos Virus born of Hopes and Dreams Part VI

I opened my eyes, before me a yellow flower smiled menacingly, reaching out my human hand I cradled the small gem boy and told him, one day, he’d be a titan.

“I don’t think hurling him into the air worked.” Spoke shadow Twilight who’d been corrupted by Sombra’s horn “He spews junk like from Dofiction, the Daring Do fanfic club.”

Dash looked about awkwardly before hiding her fanfic behind her “W-what? Why are you monologuing real stuff now?” I remembered her voice, tears in my eyes as she was lowered into the ground. She looked so peaceful.

“We could hit him repeatedly.” Rarity, my dearest mother, offered knowing it was my fe-

“This fic isn’t rated M!” Pinkie told me, though I knew a pony and human relationsh-

“Stop stop stop, you aren’t a human, an alicorn, anyone's brother, sister or husband… I think. Either way, you’re a brown earth pony, you have a… uh, what is that.” She referred to my ever changing cutie mark, a special power of the Marked Children clan that gives me any talent I need to defeat my foes.

“Ah thank it’s a shoe?” Applejack muttered nuzzling my leg, how she came into the real world I would never know but I loved her like a daughter

“Ok, I’m muting him.” Ablaze with fury, Twilight rose into the air, magic swirling around her body as the he-

Twilight sighed in relief that the insane earth pony was no longer speaking, instead his mouth moved wordlessly, arms flailing about, certainly he was saying something stupid, grandiose, and pointless. “So, anybody know what to do with him?” Twilight asked, now calmly trotting about her lab, friends at her side as she examined the strange stallion

“I have a shark.” Fluttershy murmured much to everyone's shock “Oh, uh, too extreme?”

“I’ll say darling, sure he’s off his rocker, but we can’t hurt him. Good gosh, where does this violent streak come from.” Rarity replied astonished, turning to see a small note produced by the brown stallion

“Hmm, it says…” Rarity rolled her eyes, but the curious looks from the others forced her to speak “Ugh, ‘Though I am mute, I hope your hear can here my love-’ oh of all the ‘it was me, my fault FLuttershy had become the monster that killed your parents’ what th- uh ‘And though you’re pregnant with my child, I’m afraid I can’t be there for I fear lord Dominator’ I feel as if that’s a reference to something ‘will have me dead by the morning, unless you and the other Elements channel into my the 7th element’ by the by we don’t have those anymore ‘and reincarnate me to my true form, Celestia’s fath’ ok this is, honestly, stupid.” She crumpled the note up and tossed it

“Wait, maybe this is a clue?” Twilight caught the note to examine it “Maybe in his insanity there’s some kind of code to- where’d he the paper and ink from?” They all turned to see the stallion furiously writing more and more notes. Hovering one over Twilight skimmed it “Celestia’s lover, first some of Sombra, Lauren Faust, simple man with the heart of the cards?”

“Seems like nonsense ta me.” Applejack added as a note was handed to her “Ah think yalls should… have the… abor- y’know what, ah ain’t got time fer this.” She tossed the note aside “Yalls, uh, just make sure he don’t cause no trouble.” She muttered before leaving

Now the stallion was on two hooves, front legs pumped, mouth wide as if, uh, well either gathering power or taking a very intense bathroom break. “Maybe there’s a pattern or algorithm”

“Darling, maybe he just belongs in a looney bin..” Rarity offered, clearly unsure that the pony had any greater thoughts than whatever madness that crawled into his brain.

“Hmm, anyways, we’ll need to find out where he belongs so we can get him ba-”

“He’s gone.” Fluttershy muttered from behind her mane

“I’m sorry?” Twilight and Rarity looked back at the mare

“Yeah, not sure when but he split. Not before drinking a bunch of your, uh, ingredients.” Rainbow Dash pointed out the many empty contained littering the room.

“Hmph-” Twilight muttered, nonchalantly looking back down at the notes

“Er, dear are you ok?” Rarity muttered

Turning back to Rarity with a large, unnatural smile she said all too loudly “No!”

“Hmm, perhaps we should clean this up and go fetch him before we have two mad ponies running about.” Rarity wondered loudly, turning to the others who nodded their agreement “I’ll clean, you three go search for him.”

“No problem!” Dash did as her namesake and was off

“Oh, um, I don’t think-” Fluttershy began as she was dragged off by Pinkie

“This’ll be fun and caraaaaaaaayzee.” The party mare announced as the two were off

Kicking about the bottles on the ground, Rarity stroked her chin in thought “Perhaps the shark was a good idea.”

A Microchosm of the Blade of Celestia's Drill to Pierce the Heavens of Discords Heart. Part II

It was an early morning in Equestria. I didn’t realize how early, early enough to almost be considered late if you drank coffee. People always said I didn’t always make sense, that’s why I became pony, ponies never say I don’t make sense, mostly because all of their currency is already change. But that didn’t matter now, it was time for me to watch my mother, Princess Celestia raise the sun. Sure, she’d throw me out of a window yelling I’m not her son, but of course I’m not, I’m only on fire half the time, she doesn’t need to reaffirm that I’m not a giant ball of plasma, that’s just silly.

Yes, it was a late, quiet night at Sugarcube Corner, just me and my fiance Twilight Sparkle sat across from one another, she was already pregnant with our child. Twilight was always a great mother, raised me right, raised me well.

“Excuse me?” Twilight spoke, her age showing “My… what? Are you calling me old?”

“And did he just say you were pregnant and engaged, oh my… but how are you his mom too? I’m confused.” Fluttershy said softly, the greatest wife a stallion could ever have. “Oh… my…” she ducked under the table, clearly far too excited to wait until we got home

“Who is this guy? Sh-should I hit him?” Rainbow wondered, ah she was a beautiful mare, we were scheduled to wed in the spring, that was, until her mafia father stole her from me “Mafi-what? I-I… who’re you calling beautiful?”

I watched as my harem, the Elements of Harmony, regarded me with love and compassion.

“Ah reckon love and compassion are a fair replacement for anger and confusion.”

Indeed it was a pleasant afternoon inside Canterlot castle.

“This is my house actually.” My sister, Fluttershy eeped out. I remember when we were young, she was always so weak and timid, always looking to onee-chan to protect her from her crazy yakuza ex-boyfriend “I don’t know what half of this words mean… also it’s 9 in the morning.”

NOW was the TIME for me to use CAPITAL LETTERS in my monologues to DISTINGUISH the important WORDS I’d be SPEAKING. “Rainbow Dash, you can hit him now.”

Ah RAINBOW Dash, what a BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER she’d BEEN all these ye-

I awoke in a dusty dungeon beneath Sugarcube corner, a clearly deranged Pinkie looming over me, tools of slaughter in one hoof, a wretched batch of evil cupcakes in the other. ready to do to me what she’d already done to poor Rainbow Dash.

“Ooh, he’s funny.”

It’d taken me so long to escape the factor, the horrid things they did there, yet here I stand, before Rainbow Dash, the monster behind the rainbow scandal, didn’t they know? RAINBOWS ARE PONIES.

“What, no they’re not!”

To think, it’d taken me all night to run from Big Mac, the deranged monster of the Apple family only to find his sister was just as murderous as he

“Ah haven’t murdered anybody, what in the hey is this guys problem.”

If only Pinkie Pie would stop eating those sweets we’d be there to laugh and cry and smile together once more.

“Ok… well, I think I’m done eating this frosting.” Pinkie Pie placed the BOWL down to her SIDE

“That might be for the best…” TWILIGHT added

“What in tarnations is this nutjob talkin’ about. Who is he?”

Who am I indeed, the lost love child of Discord and Celestia, the second ruler of the Crystal Empire after I single handedly defeated Sombra with my mind and won the heart of Chrysalis to turn her good. Surely I was special, a human, unicorn, pegasus, earth-pony, thestral, sea pony, breezie, alicorn, draconequus, changeling king who had taught Sombra magic and was the first element of magic to fight of my former student Discord.

“None of this is true by the way.” Added Twilight, my dearest brother “I’m not a stallion!”

Truly, I do not know who I am, I wouldn’t know my own face even if saw a reflection of it.

“What? But you just said…”

Life is difficult as an Alicorn of Darkness and brother of the royal sisters.

“You’re clearly an earth pony.” Rarity, my sister in law spoke, looking uneasily at my red and black coloring, a dark sign of my tragic past “You’re brown Darling… and I’m not married so.” oh, she never stopped talking about marriage, I know she loved me but I couldn’t love her back, my heart was for the mare I lost in the great war, my dearest Fluttershy.

“I’m sorry, but, I don’t know you and I’m not lost… if that’s ok with you.” Fluttershy mumbled, unbeknownst to those around her she and Discord we about to propose their marriage to one another “Our… what… oh my…”

“Ok, you’re clearly insane, and you keep monologuing.” Said Twilight, my former lover from high school who’d impregnated me and abandoned me in my time of need “I am not a stallion!” she SCREAMED in ANGER and FRUSTRATION. Making sure the audience knows what the characters are feeling will prevent confusion

“Darling I’m more confused than I’ve ever been, maybe stop monologuing and talk to us?” said the beautiful white mare before me, I didn’t know her name but I knew I loved her from first glance

“Hello,” I finally gather the strength to speak after my battle with the dark lord Tirek

“That was m- oh nevermind…” she HUFFED annoyedly.

“Twilight.” I spoke “How long was I asleep?”

She looked at me annoyed “Five minutes.” Ten years was a long time to be in a coma “Gah, what is wrong with you!” my brother asked “Ugh, I AM NOT A STALLION!” her eyes lit with power- “No, no, stop, shut up, just shut up!” she screamed into hea- “AAAAAGH” she began strangling me, can’t say I didn’t deserve it… I killed her only child and for what? Because I thought I deserved her more…

“Twilight, please calm down, you’re going to get an ulcer.” Fluttershy spoke sweetly into her lover's ear, her tongue dancing along the soft fur on it’s tip.

“Oh my… I-I’m not…” Fluttershy had held her feeling for Twilight ever since they were fillies, unknown to Twilight these feeling would be let out in a magnificent way

“I only met her, like, a year ago.” Twilight Sparkle, daughter of the Changeling Queen Discord spoke with venom and evil “I will end you.” she spoke to the dark Alicron Adramadeus the third, also know as my twin sister

“Pinkie, do something.” Rainbow Dash insisted, if she didn’t act soon she knew I’d die, and the thought of losing another lover killed her inside

“What do you want me to do?” Pinkie asked, blade in hand as the last pony fell at her back

“Talk to him, you speak crazy!” Rainbow insisted. A cloud loomed over head, shaped like a pear. A humming came up, did a little dance, made a little love and got down tonight. Two hearts intertwined underneath the shimmering moon as a leaf danced to the ground. Am I a good writer yet or should I interject more pointless word decoration for you to skim over to get to the fuckin’ point?

“Hello mister crazy pant, if you could nut be coocoo for five seconds so we could talk that’d be swell.” she said at my death bed, the beeping of the machine at my side slowing steadily

“Pinkie… R-Rose bud…” I whispered as the golden ticket slipped from the bar signifying I’d made it into the Peckish Games

“I see, so, he’s stuck in a madness loop. For some reason, he’s spewing a particular kind of insanity, maybe we could jump start his brain, though, I think he’d be more dangerous like that ‘ the Queen of the Ducks Quacked

“That doesn’t make an sense.” Twilight said, but what would she know of sense, their currency is based on change “Ok, what do I do.”

“Shoot him into the sky!” Pinkie declared as she began to straddle me with her luscious pink- “Now, now!”

“Here it goes!” Twilight shouted, the earth shaking around you as the numbers 9001 showed on my power reader.

...Falling… I’m falling again, light pervade my dulling senses, washing me away into colorlessness, a spectrum dead, knowing that the last of the Rainbow Clan would be gone forev-