Celestia's New Assistant

by midashguy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1047

Discord doesn't want him. Might as well pass him along to the next poor fool.

Discord is sick of his human assistant. Too crazy. Even for him, but hey, not his problem any more. Princess Celestia might have a way to deal with him. He's not going to terrorize everypony....right?

"This is the PERFECT THING to read at midnight!" -Dream Seeker
"WHAT ARE YOU ON AND CAN I GET SOME." -Disconcerted
"This has to be the greatest thing I've ever read." -Azurus

A lot of people demanded a sequel, so here it is! I want to thank everyone who helped me. Without you guys I doubt I could have done it.

Proofreading done by SteelxPaladin

Published 2014-09-15 22:10:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-15 22:10:09 UTC

Yep, here we go again.

Princess Celestia did love her tea. Mint tea, green tea, even jasmine tea. She was enjoying a warm cup on her balcony, finally a moment to her self. A single sip and all her problems melted away like an unlucky snowman in July. So she was mildly startled when a scroll popped into existence in front of her. Though mildly startled is a bit of a understatement.

She threw her tea cup at it.

After she realized it was not in fact demon scroll from the depths of Oblivion, she gingerly picked it up in her magic and let the tea drip out of it. Somehow the letter was still legible.

Dear Princess,

It has come to my attention that I no longer need an assistant. Because he is driving me to the brink of I find that his services are no longer required. Upon this revelation, and the knowledge that you and Luna who is my favorite may be of use of his skills, I found that it is in my best interest to deliver him to you at the soonest possible time.

He is your problem now.

Hugs and kisses, -Discord.

Celestia had less then a second to process this before she was tackle hugged by a blur of color and mental thoughts. They rolled through the balcony door and back into the room.

"Leeroy JEEEEENKKKIIIINNNNSSSSS." He shouted gleefully. Celestia pushed him off. He was then tackled by a dozen royal guards. They struggled to hold him down.

"Room....growing dim...." He whispered.

There was a burst of light and guards and armor went flying everywhere as the human stood up heroically.

"By the power of Grey Skull!" He proceeded to leave the room and walk down the hallway tilting every painting that hung on the walls. Somewhere, sometime, Picasso wept. His tears were then collected and sold to charity.

While the human enjoyed this, multiple guards attempted to flank him. When they were almost close enough you capture him, he turned to face them. On his face was a grin that only someone who had stared into the Time Vortex and giggled could give. He then sprinted at the wall, only for a window to suddenly appear where there was only stone and mortar moments before. The window was beautiful stained glass depicting a hero performing deeds that have been told time and time again though out history.

He jumped through, shattering years of history and possibly the last memory of a great hero.

"Sweet Celestia! He jumped!" One guard shouted.

"We are on the side of a mountain! That's nearly a kilometer straight down!" Another called out.

"But what doesn't kill me makes my stronger." The Human added, right behind them.

"Ah!" The guards recoiled in panic and the human darted away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Princess Luna was half asleep in her room, completely at peace with the world. Sadly that peace was broken by some monkey thing that burst in playing Popeye the Sailor Man on a harmonica while twerking.

"Gah!" Luna cried out. "Who..? What?"

"Hash Tag Yolo Swagalicous!" The ape creature yelled before scampering off to who knows where...

"Guards!" Luna wailed. "Get him!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stealthy.

Stealthy Stealthy Stealthy Stealthy...

Stealthy Stealthy Stealthy...

The Human crept up behind Celestia...waiting for the moment to strike like an invisible cobra with laser eyes.

"I want him....what ever it is, found. There is no telling what trouble it is capable of." The Princess commanded.

"Yes your highness." The guard nodded before hurrying away leaving the princess alone.

Wait for it...

Abruptly, oranges began falling from the ceiling like rain.

"Not again." The human muttered. "It's never starfruit. Ah well."

Celestia turned around to see the human squatting on the floor stuffing his face with grapes. The human abruptly stood up, startled.

"Bill Nye the science guy! Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!" He sung before attempting to flee. Celestia grimaced before extending a hoof and tripping the flailing biped. His face met marble flooring and he passed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He awoke to iron chains on his wrists, and cold unforgiving stone walls surrounding him. In the distance he could heard the constant noise of dripping water. He attempted tugging on the chains binding him to the wall, to no avail.

"Well Mr. Frodo, we certainly aren't in New Jersey anymore." The human sighed. "I think that's how that saying goes."

"Do you know why your here?" A Celestia called out.

"I caused enough property damage to be considered royalty?" He asked hopefully.

"I-...wha....No." The The Princess paused. "You have been considered to dangerous to be released to the public."

"Well, not the first time I have awoken in a cold unforgiving cell. Spring Break, ya know?" He chuckled.

"Hm. Discord said you were more trouble then your worth. I can see why. You're uncontrollable."

"That's me." The human laughed. "Uncontrollable with a capital 'G' eh?"

"The word doesn't have a...never mind. The point is you are not leaving this place ever again." Celestia sighed.

"Never ever ever?" He asked, his eyes wide and tearful.

"Never." She deadpanned.

The human lowered his head in defeat. This seemed to please the Princess to some extent. At least he gave up.

"The bindings are enchanted. Not even Discord could break them. So no funny business." As soon as she said this, the metal chains turned to marshmallows, and the human jumped up free from the prison.

"Freedom beckons me! I must answer it's call! Time waits for nothing but a time traveler!" He hollered. He might have continued to spout nonsense if Luna had not come out of no where and blast him with a spell from her horn. Where he once stood was a scorched bit of floor.

"I-....Luna what did you do?" Celestia asked in disbelief. Luna only giggled.

"Simple sister. I finally got to send something to the moon!"

Later that night, many ponies who looked to the rising moon were shocked and confused when there was a message inscribed upon the surface of the moon.

Batman says Hi.

Author's Note

This is the spawn of me consuming enough caffeine to kill the average human being. It's a good thing I am a giant moth.

*Dinosaur noises*

Nothing is sacred.