How Earth Ponies Brush Their Teeth

by Crackers

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Random
Length: 1585

Pinkie is forced to go to Colgate - the new dentist in town - to get her teeth checked out. Unfortunately for Colgate, Pinkie is her first customer in Ponyville - she wasn't really counting on looking at the teeth of someone like that.

Pinkie is forced to go to Colgate - the new dentist in town - to get her teeth checked out. Unfortunately for Colgate, Pinkie is her first customer in Ponyville - she wasn't really counting on looking at the teeth of someone like that.

Published 2014-09-01 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-01 21:30:01 UTC

So Make it the Size of a Pea...

Colgate hummed as she levitated a small bag of cosmetics onto her bed. She picked up a brush with her blue telekinesis and ran it through her hair. She had just moved into Ponyville yesterday and was still getting everything ready. Nevertheless, the mare had been looking forward to her new job in Ponyville for ages and reassured the Mayor Mare that despite the fact that she had only just come to the town, Colgate would start her job the day after she moved in.

A loud ding dong! echoed through the unicorn's house and she set down her brush carefully, glancing at the clock propped up on her bedside table; it read two minutes past nine - one hundred and twenty seconds past the appointed time her customer had agreed to come at. Colgate rolled her eyes then trotted down her staircase, making sure to shut her bedroom door. She had an appointment with an Earth Pony mare named Pinkie Pie - she knew about her. Berry Punch was one of her college friends, and the purple mare had warned Colgate that Pinkie always threw a massive party for new ponies in town. One, Berry had said, that Colgate definitely wouldn't like.

The two of them had planned the whole thing out together previously; Colgate would say that she was actually born in Ponyville and had only gone to Canterlot to study for college. That way, Pinkie would let the subject rest. The unicorn had a brilliant poker face, so even if the earth pony questioned that story she could persuade the other mare that it was true - even if it wasn't.

She unlocked her door and opened it, revealing a pink earth pony - Pinkie Pie, "Hello," Colgate greeted her, smiling widely, her white teeth practically the colour of snow, "Would you like to come in?"

Pinkie Pie nodded, her eyes darting around the place and her ears flatenned, but she followed Colgate through to the dental room nevertheless, not saying a word. The unicorn in question glanced at the pink mare curiously, wondering why she wasn't asking about being new in Ponyville. Berry had told her that Pinkie normally couldn't shut up, but this was the exact opposite of the description she had been given. Colgate walked into her dental room and patted the seat all her future customers would sit on, "Would you like to take a seat?" Pinkie hesitated, still not speaking, "The chair doesn't bite." The unicorn teased, flicking on the lights and pulling all her dental tools towards the two.

Pinkie didn't even look at Colgate as she gingerly sat down on the seat, looking as if she were ready to bolt at any moment. Her flanks barely touched the chair. Colgate sighed and shook her head. Was Pinkie scared? Either way, it was ridiculous. Either way, the other pony had to get it over with, even if she was terrified.

Colgate levitated her mouth mirror over and hovered it over Pinkie's mouth, "Okay then," she said in a soothing sing-song voice, "Open wide!"

Pinkie's eyes almost popped out of her head with fear as she shook her head quickly, her mouth pressed together tightly and hooves flailing around. Colgate sighed and rolled her eyes except she lost her enthusiasm half way through and ended up staring at the ceiling. She didn't normally do this, but under desperate circumstances, what else could she do? "I apologise in advance," the unicorn said, using her telekinesis to prise open Pinkie's mouth. The pink mare in question seemed to lose all her strength at that moment, flopping down on the seat and staring up at Colgate with big eyes.

Colgate didn't really seem to notice. Her eyes were fixed on Pinkie's set of teeth, if you could hardly call them teeth. They were filthy, sugar and all bits of different kinds of sweets stuck in there. She finally opened her mouth to speak-

"I'm sorry!" Pinkie burst out, proving that she could actually, you know, speak. Her eyes were big and fearful, "Please don't kill me! I eat loads of sweets and toffee but I can't help it and since I don't know how to brush my teeth everything's all stuck in there and my granny used to tell me that dentists punish naughty ponies and-"

"Woah," Colgate held up a hoof in protest, trying to process the steady stream of words that Pinkie had just let out. She could literally feel the cogs in her mind turning, "First of all, your granny had it all wrong. Us dentists don't kill anypony, we just lecture them. Unless you count that as killing," she chuckled at her words mildly, "Second, you don't know how to brush your teeth?" At a shake of a head from Pinkie, she sighed, "How, how have you survived all these years without knowing how to?"

Pinkie grimaced, causing Colgate to wince at the sight of her teeth, "Mama and Papa knew how to brush their teeth so they used to brush mine. When I moved to Ponyville, I visited my dentist frequently and she always did some weird thing to my teeth to make it shiny. But when they moved out three months ago..." She trailed off and shrugged.

The thought that Pinkie was completely and utterly mental crossed Colgate's mind. A pony who didn't know how to brush their teeth? She sighed again and looked at the earth pony, trying to be as patient as possible, "Well, let's teach you then-"

"Yay!" Pinkie's face immediately brightened up. Perhaps it was because the whole thing confirmed that Colgate wasn't going to maul her after all. She hopped off the dental seat and bounced out of the room. Colgate stared after her, already hearing the thumps of the mare jumping up the stairs. She sighed and groaned, rolling her neck unenthusiastically. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"So, make it the size of a pea..." Colgate instructed, smearing some toothpaste on her brush with the exact amount she had wanted. She had already brushed her teeth that morning, but repeating the process more than twice couldn't hurt, right?

The unicorn glanced at Pinkie Pie to see the progress she had made and promptly rolled her eyes. The mare in question was holding her brush down with her hooves and squeezing Colgate's tube of Mint Colgate Toothpaste with her teeth. Her teeth. Colgate made a note in her head to wash that particular tube off well, after Pinkie was gone, so no offence would be taken.

"Then lift it up to your mouth and start thoroughly brushing your teeth," Colgate explained simply, closing her eyes to distract herself from thinking of the germs on her new tube of toothpaste, "In your case, it may hurt a little, but- What are you doing?" She had cracked an eye open and saw Pinkie doing what was a...feeble attempt at 'brushing her teeth.'

She was holding her toothbrush with a hoof and was trying to grip it - failing to do so, however. Colgate stared, almost dropping her own toothbrush at the sight. She gingerly placed a hoof on Pinkie's back, trying to look and sound helpful, "M-maybe you should hold it with your two front hooves."

Pinkie put her other hoof up...immediately crashing into Colgate's large mirror that she had fixed on the wall yesterday. The unicorn cringed, closing her eyes with a million thoughts and excuses running through her head. She trotted away from her 'customer' and made her way to her study, figuring that Pinkie would be able to help herself up. Maybe she shouldn't have left her own her own, though.

* * *

Mayor Mare looked up as Raven, one of her temporary assistants, entered her study, "You have a letter," she announced simply, placing a light blue envelope on the mare's desk.

"Thank you," Mayor Mare said, raising her eyebrows at her assistant, "Any idea on who sent it?"

Raven shook her head, "None," she replied smoothly, holding the study door open, "All I know is that it's urgent - at least that's what Derpy told me. I'll be off, now." She shut the door quietly behind her.

Mayor Mare reached for the envelope and took the letter out. As she read it, she could feel her heart sinking lower and lower,

Dear Mayor Mare,

I'm writing to tell you that I'm leaving my position as the Ponyville Dentist.

Why? Because today I've realised that there are many dental subjects I do not know about. How you Earth Ponies manage to brush your teeth mystifies me the most. That's why I'm going to Fillydelphia to learn in their university how such things work.

Perhaps I'll come back some day. Perhaps not. It's probably the latter, so sorry.

Yes, I'm already packing my belongings. If you could find a suitable replacement for me, that'd be great. Tell them to see to Pinkie Pie first, though: it's an emergency.

- Colgate

The mayor sighed, adding onto her long mental list to talk to Pinkie Pie as soon as possible. She really needed to stop traumatising potential dentists that came to Ponyville.

Author's Note

...surprised to see a story from me? This was actually something to break my writing block. I guess it worked since I really enjoyed creating this. If you see any errors, please tell me!