A chav in Equestria

by GameHunter

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2344

Discord is bored, he decides to bring one of the most replusive creatures in existence to Equestria

This fic is complete garbage, you have been warned

SATIRE HO
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SET JUST AFTER DISCORD IS REFORMED -- Any instance of Al saying words ending in 'ch' , the word is pronounced the same as how 'loch' is.

Al is a simple 19 year old boy. He lives with his parents, he goes to the Job Centre every 2 weeks to collect his leach money, he meets up with his dealer and buys all the cannabis and bus shelter cider he can. It was on one fateful night that he had just finished robbing a poor old pensioner of his DVD player, when something unexpected happened

Published 2014-09-08 01:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-08 01:50:03 UTC

Wot da f--

**A chav in Equestria

The only Chapter**

Discord was bored. It had been only a few weeks since he was reformed and made a wonderful new friend, Fluttershy. She was such a sweet little pony, she let Discord truly be himself, and she still wanted to be his friend regardless. Discord was truly one lucky Draconequus. But he was still bored for pony's sake! Here he was, lying upside down on a floating park bench, sipping Darjeeling with Mrs. Nesbit

Suddenly, Discord had a wonderfully chaotic idea! A way to satiate his boredom, whilst staying in Celestia's good books... Oh, it was just so brilliant!

Discord raised a talon to his grotesque chin, scratching it in contemplation and muttering to himself "Hmmmm, no no that won't do.... But maybe if..... Yes, that's perfect! Oh but wait, what if..... Urgh, no that'd never work...... Wait a minute, I've got it! Yes! It'll work flawlessly!"

Discord stood up, still floating upside down and pacing in circles bereft of his bench. He brought his Lion paw up and snapped his fingers. And then, in a blinding flash of light, his fun had arrived......

"Ahhhhh.... Wot de fooch joost happened fam... Ey, where de fooch as me dvd player gone?!"

Al was running from the police. He had just been caught exiting the house of an elderly couple through a window, DVD player slipped under his knock off Puma jacket. He was wearing wearing gray baggy sweat pants, black Reebok trainers and a navy blue shirt under his jacket. Adorning his head was a white Mckenzie cap he had stolen from the local Factory shop, and a black scarf had been tied around his mouth, partially concealing his features

Running down the dark road lit intermittently by street lights, Al was in need of an escape. He needed to shake these pigs so he could flog this DVD player and get some quality kush "Ahhh fooch off dich eds, that wos me nans house! She said I could avvit!"  seeing that the police would not give up chase, he turned to a nearby fence. Garden hopping was a sacred art, it required skill and timing. Skill and timing that unfortunately, Al didn't possess. Just as Al touched down, he was about to make haste again when he slipped on a pile of dog shit. Falling to the ground, face first.

The police officers were in hot pursuit, but mere seconds from their prey, there was a blinding flash. The police men covered their eyes, attempting to rub away the annoying dot burned into their vision. Upon their vision clearing, the only thing that remained was a broken DVD player, and a slightly charred white cap and scarf

Al groaned, shaking his head to rid himself of cobwebs. He opened his eyes, and was surprised to see his surroundings had completely changed. For one, it was day time... Just how long had he been out?

"Ah! You're awake, I thought for sure you had perished for a moment there" a strange, unfamiliar voice declared from somewhere nearby.

"Who de fooch is dat?!" Al said, sitting up and looking at the speaker. "AHHHH! Wot da fooch are you?! Some kind of fucked up snake thing fam?! Foochin tramp lad"

Discord reeled from the human's disgusting language, not to mention the insults "excuse me? Mind your manners, boy.. I am Discord! Immortal master of chaos, and you... My little human, are going to be my fun"

Al scratched his head, his tiny little brain unable to comprehend the meanings of such big words "Discord, wot de fooch is dat? Some kinda weed? And don't immortal mean you can't die, or some shit?" Discord nodded, smiling "Dats foochin bullshit fam"

Discord rolled his eyes "Oh really? Then explain this, my uneducated friend" Discord then proceeded to pull his own head off, playing kick ups with it before depositing it back on his neck

Al screamed like a bitch "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Dats foochin sick lad! You a sket man" Al then turned tail and ran, straight in the direction of the lovely little rural town of Ponyville

Discord started cackling maniacally "Heheheahahaha! Oh this is going to be the most fun I've had in eons!" his brows furrowed, and he scowled "I just wish he had better manners"

Twilight Sparkle was having a wonderful day out with the girls. The sun was shining, the birds were tweeting. Life was indeed good, after her friend Fluttershy had successfully reformed Discord they could finally have some quality time. No threat to Equestria as far as the eye could see

Twilight sighed in contentment, looking around at her friends just outside the library, having a lovely picnic "This is lovely girls, I really enjoy our quality girl time together"

Rarity agreed wholeheartedly with this assessment by her lavender friend "I do agree with you, Twilight darling. It is truly lovely to get away from dressmaking, be it even for just one day" taking a dainty sip from her ornate cup, Rarity relaxed under the wonderful sun's rays

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie started convulsing violently, frothing at the mouth and muttering in tongues. The girls all freaked out, running to aid their spasming pink friend. Twilight screamed "Pinkie! Oh Celestia Pinkie, speak to us!" And just like that, Pinkie went silent and still. An awkward silence fell upon the group of concerned ponies. All in attendance wondering if Pinkie was truly hurt, or if this was just one of those 'Pinkie Moments'

Pinkie Pie shot up like a rocket, urgency on her face "Oh my Celestia! There's a doozy coming! Twilight, my Pinkie sense just told me that there's a meany meaner pants on his way here right now!"

Twilight froze, a Pinkie doozy is never a good sign. Just when she thought she'd have some quality time with her friends, some evil monster has to show their heads. Twilight sighed "Okay girls, pack it up... I'll go get the--" Twilight was cut off.... By screaming? She looked in the direction of the disturbance, and froze once again at what she saw. A disgusting looking, terribly dressed, scrawny... Thing was sprinting towards her and her friends, screaming all the way

Twilight shook out of her daze, hero mode activating. Turning to her friends, she took charge "Girls! Defensive perimeter! Rainbow, take to the sky!"

The rainbow pegasus nodded, shooting into the sky leaving a rainbow contrail behind. On the ground, the five ponies took aggressive stances, holding the line waiting for their quarry to come to them. The screaming alien thingy was mere feet away, when Rainbow Dash plowed into it, driving it into the dirt

Rainbow stood atop the 2 legged monster, pinning it in place "Had enough, freak? May as well give up now, you're dealing with the Dash now!"

Al glared at the rainbow pony horse thing, face going red "Do you know who I am fam?! I'll fooching knock ye out lad, I swear on me nan!"

Rainbow glared back, lowered her muzzle so their noses were touching. Growling, rainbow replied "You'd best watch your mouth, else I slap it off your face"

Al, seeing that he wasn't going to intimidate the pony thingy with empty threats did the next best thing. He bit her. Hard

Rainbow screamed, leaping off him and holding her now bloosy muzzle "the dirty bucker bit me! Owowowowow!!! Eww I'm gonna get rabies!"

Al got up, pulling off his jacket and shirt. Now topless, he got in Rainbow's face, flaring his arms and screaming "COOM ON DICK ED! DO IT! FOOCHIN HIT ME!" he pushed Rainbow "DO IT!" suddenly, Al was on the floor yet again, this time a yellow and orange pony was on top of him, fire in her eyes

"Y'all no good snake in the grass! How dare ye bite mah friend, I'll string ya up by yer hind legs and buck ya into next Sunday!" AJ pulled her hoof back, fully intent on crushing the foul mouthed monster's face when she too was plowed into by a very disgruntled looking Fluttershy. Applejack looked to Fluttershy "Fluttershah, what the hay are ya doin' gal?!"

"Don't hurt him! He's just scared and confused, that's all! He only bit Rainbow because she attacked him first! Please, let me talk to him and calm him down" Fluttershy asked her friend, pleading her to see reason

Applejack sighed "Fine, but ah swear if that monster tries anythin' he'll be a dern pulp!" Fluttershy nodded, satisfied

Fluttershy climbed off of Applejack and turned to the strange creature currently trying to assume dominance over her friends, and failing terribly. Fluttershy daintily flew over to the creature, tapping gently on his shoulder. Instantly, the creature whirled around, glaring at Fluttershy

"Oh do you want soom?! Ya foochin rat. I'll foochin shank ya mate, swear down fam" Al shouted, violating Fluttershy's personal space

Fluttershy cringed at his foul language, but composed herself none the less "Hi, little guy. My name's Fluttershy, I'm going to have to ask you to stop being mean to my friends, Rainbow Dash is sorry for hurting you. Could you please apologize to my friends, and tell me what's wrong? We can help you"

Al stopped his tirade, staring at Fluttershy is disblief before bursting out laughing "You foochin wot?! I'll spark yer out lad, I don't give a fooch" Al then pushed Fluttershy, making her fall to the ground and land badly on her rear hoof, spraining it

Fluttershy cried out in pain, bawling her eyes out. Twilight screamed in rage, this monster just hurt her friend.... This monster just ruined their day out, this monster was going to pay. Twilight took a step forward, charing her horn with the most destructive spell she could think of, pointing her horn at her target; Twilight readied her spell, intent on incinerating this foul creature. Yet, before she could finish the incantation, she was cut off by a voice filled with fury, coming from above

Princess Celestia and Luna, diarchs of sun and moon were currently on their way to Ponyville, they recently detected a large concentration of chaos emanating from the rural town. In the distance, the two ancient Alicorns could make out the Elements of Harmony, confronting a strange creature

Luna looked to Celestia, concern etching her features "Dearest sister, dost thou think that creature was the source of chaos?"

Celestia furrowed her brow "I don't know, Luna. Thought it seems my faithful student and her friends are in a confrontation with it"

"Indeed, t'would be prudent to provide support, sister" Luna exclaimed, looking back at the creature. It was then that she saw the blue pegasus, Rainbow Dash if memory served, was hurt. She was currently holding her muzzle, and what appeared to be blood was gushing from the covered wound. Luna narrowed her eyes "That foul creature has attacked our subjects, sister. I sayeth we slay the beast!"

Celestia shook her head, giving luna an admonishing look "Luna, we do not work like that anymore... You know that, Anything could have happened for Rainbow Dash to be injured" Celestia looked back to the creature, and what she saw next made her heart stop. The creature, nay... Monster, had just committed a heinous act, it made Fluttershy, element of kindness cry. This monster was going to die.

Celestia shot ahead, waiting until she was just overhead to bellow in the royal canterlot voice "FOULEST OF BEASTS! THOU HAST COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST EQUESTRIA AND HER PEOPLE, YOU SHALL BE INCINERATED!" Princess Luna and Celestia flew down to Fluttershy, checking her over and determining it was but a minor sprain. Still, Celestia healed Fluttershy's wound, relieving her and her friends

"My little ponies, leave this disgusting beast to us. We shall deal with this personally" Celestia narrowed her eyes, making her loyal subjects back off. Good, this was going to get messy. Turning her attention back to the monster, she noticed he was smiling, mocking her "And what is so funny, beast? Do you not know death when you see it?"

Al laughed, holding his now bare sides "Are you serious lad? You some foochin horse unicorn thing fam! I'll rek u m8"

Celestia and Luna growled, taking offensive stances. Luna spoke up "Then cometh at us, brethren!" lowering her horn, she charged

Al pulled out a blunt kitchen knife he had found in a bin, running at the princess. Suddenly, Al slipped on a rock, impaling himself through the neck on the blue horse' horn. Gurgling on his own blood, Al glared at the princess

Princess Luna cringed, blood gushed from the monster's neck after it had tripped and impaled itself. Luna pulled back, dislodging her horn from the beast, letting it fall to the floor "Art thou enraged?" Luna grinned sadistically down at the dying human

Al gurgled and choked on his own blood now filling his lungs, gushing from the wound in his neck and leaving him in a pile of congealed crimson life fluid. He glared up at the ratty sket horse that ended his gangsta life with pure hatred

Celestia pouted "Awwwwwww, Luluuuuu! I wanted to save our ponies!" trotting up besides her sister, she too glared at the now dead beast that dared attack Fluttershy, cutest and bestest of ponies "well, I guess he shall make ideal food for Cerberus, he hasn't had a primate in a thousand years!"

Celestia and Luna shared a laugh, flaring their wings and flying off into the sunset, a job well--

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Uncle Discord, what do you mean sunset? I thought this happened in the morning?" little billy looked to his uncle

Discord sighed "Yes, it was Billy. But it was also a sunset"

Billy cocked his head to the side "But why? That doesn't make any sense! And that story sucked!"

Discord chuckled "Oh Billy, what fun is there in making sense?" Discord then turned in a random direction, holding a sign up

Billy looked at the sign "Fin?"

Fin

~~