Does This Fic Pass the Bechdel Test?

One beautiful morning in Ponyville, two mares were walking around the marketplace, just chatting as friends often do. One was a slender lavender unicorn with a straight purple mane with a pink highlight. The other was a bouncy, giddy pink pony with a curly and unkempt mane.

It would also be good to mention right now that the lavender unicorn was actually an alicorn (a unicorn with wings) because she had wings, but because there are many out there who do not like lavender unicorns having wings, she may also be imagined as a plain lavender wingless unicorn if the reader so desires. It really doesn't matter because the physiology of the two ponies does not have anything to do with the rest of the story.

Anyway, the two mares, one purple and one pink, were aimlessly walking around the marketplace, chatting away about nothing in particular, when suddenly they came across the handsomest and best looking stallion in the world.

This stallion, a husky and ridiculously photogenic red alicorn with a black mane, was without doubt the sexiest and most desirable stallion in ~~Ponyville~~ all of Equestria. The two mares, like the all other mares who had ever laid eyes on this hunk, instantly fell into a trance, their eyes permanently affixed upon this wonderful creature. Its eighteen pack (because six packs are for n00bs,) which it so proudly displayed on its chest, was enough to attract and keep any mare, but its Justin Bieber hairstyle, Drake-tier levels of swag, and Edward Cullen sparkle made him truly irresistable. Not to mention that he was rich, which also made him a keeper.

The two mares just stood there drooling, thinking only of the millionaire playcolt and his glorious abs. The playcolt however, could not possibly be trifled with the likes of two average-looking lay pony peasants, even if one of them may or may not have been an alicorn princess. In fact, he didn't even notice them.

Instead, he was preoccupied with herding his seventy two virgin trophy wives into his stretch hummer while ogling the firmly toned Trenderhoof-approved ass of the pony they call 'the orange one' and considering what trite and overused pickup line with which he would add her to his harem.

Long after the ~~douche~~ tasty hunk had left the marketplace, taking with him the aforementioned orange pony, a 'kawaii' yellow pegasus, a blue pegasus of questionable sexuality, and Spike's waifu as the purple and pink ponies were still drooling over the smexy hotness of the stallion, incapable of removing his glorious image from their minds, and all of the pleasurable things that his giant horse cock would do to their bodies. They did this for about an hour, until finally the purple one broke the silence.

"This fic isn't passing the Bechdel Test, isn't it?"

The pink one, confused, looked at the purple one.

"The what?" asked the pink one.

"The Bechdel Test," repeated the purple one. "It's a test that determines whether a work of fiction is sexist or not."

"How does it not pass the Bechdel Test?" asked the pink one. "And why does it even matter if it passes or not?"

"Because if it doesn't pass the Bechdel Test, then the feminists will hate us for not being good role models for young girls," said the purple one. "And if the feminists hate us, then they'll take this fanfic down."

"So?" asked the pink one. "This is just one fanfic. And it's actually kind of a crappy one at that. Who likes meta fics anyway?"

"The internet needs fanfic diversity," retorted the purple one. "Otherwise there will be nothing but foalcon porn and unfinished shitty Fallout: Equestria ripoffs."

"Oooohh, now that's bad!" said the pink one. "But I still don't see what the big deal is. I mean, what feminist would have the power to ban this fanfic? If anything, it would just be rejected by the mods because it--"

"Lauren Faust!" interrupted the purple one. "Everypony knows she's a feminist. She created this show, so she also has the power to un-create it!"

"But she's not even on it anymore!" said the pink one. "And even if she could ban this fanfic, I don't think she would. I don't recall her trying to ban anything."

"That doesn't mean she won't try," said the purple one.

"I think you're worrying too much about this," said the pink one. "But ok, I'll humor you. How are we supposed to pass the test?"

"The first part of the test is that there have to be two women," said the purple one. "And they both have to be named, so we'll need to introduce ourselves."

"But we already know each other," said the pink one. "We don't need to introduce ourselves."

"To the readers," grumbled the purple one.

"But the readers already know who we are," said the pink one. "Besides, I think they could figure it out based on our physical descriptions and the character tags on the story. How many other ponies are there in Ponyville who look even remotely similar to us?"

"As if they've never seen the show," hissed the purple one. "Or the character tags."

"Fine, fine," conceded the pink one. "For the readers... Hi, my name's Pinkie Pie. All of my friends call me 'Pinkie' for short. I'm usually the crazy one, but today Twilight's gone loco."

"And I'm Twilight Sparkle," said the purple one. "I may or may not be an alicorn princess, depending on whether or not the reader has recovered from the whole 'Twilicorn' debacle."

"I think they already have," stage whispered Pinkie. "That was more than a year ago, and your awesome performance in the Season 4 finale more than made up for it."

"Just for the fans who never let go," stage whispered Twilight back. "They're out there, I just know it."

"Alright," said Pinkie, resuming her normal tone. "What's next?"

"The second part of the test," said Twilight, also in her normal tone, "Is that the two named female characters have to talk to each other at least once."

"That's what we've been doing this whole time," said Pinkie. "Well, except for that hour we spent staring at that guy's butt... but ok, so what's next?"

"And the third part," explained Twilight, "Is that the topic of their conversation has to be about something other than a man."

"Why can't it be about a man?" asked Pinkie.

"Because every time we talk about a man, it's assumed that we're sexually attracted to him," said Twilight. "So we have to talk about something else to prove to the feminists that our lives aren't completely devoted to the opposite sex."

"But what if we want to talk about a man? Shouldn't we as characters be free to talk about whatever we want to?"

"But that's not how these things work. Sure, I like to speak my mind as much as the next pony, but if we don't at least try to appease the feminists, then they'll censor us!"

"Twilight, I keep telling you, Lauren Faust is not going to come to this site and ban this story. If she can put up with all the other shit that the bronies put out, then she can tolerate one or two fanfics that don't pass some stupid test."

"But what if we accidentally start a new trend in fanfiction? A trend in which fanfic authors neglect to represent female characters appropriately and instead perpetuate the outdated mentality that all womens' lives must center around men?"

"But none of our lives center around men. Since when have we relied on a man to help us do anything?"

"There's Spike. He seems to help us a lot."

"Spike doesn't count. He's such a beta that we end up helping him more than he helps us."

"I guess you're right, Pinkie.... damnit! We just talked about a man... again!"

"But talking about men is a natural part of being a woman! Besides, what if this story has a 'romance' tag on it? Then the readers would want us to cut out all of the unnecessary crap and focus on interpersonal relationships."

"You can still have a romance story without focusing on men."

"Like a lesbian fic? Oh please, the fandom's got way too many of those. And what about those romance fics that don't involve men, but still don't meet the criteria? Like that one with Rainbow Dash and the kitchen sink?"

"Well, if there's only one actual pony then I guess that's an exception. But since there are two of us, we have to make sure this fanfic passes the Bechdel Test, otherwise it gets deleted."

"Okay, fine! We'll pass the rest of your stupid Bechdel test. Now is there anything specific that we have to talk about? Because I really want to get back to admiring that one guy's rock hard abs."

"Nope. It just has to be about something other than a man."

The two mares stared blankly at each other for a while as they both tried to think about some non-man related topic to talk about.

"Can we talk about men in a non-sexual way?" asked Pinkie. "Because I really fell like talking about politics right now, and most politicians are men."

"No, Pinkie," said Twilight. "We can't talk about men."

"What about criticizing men?" asked Pinkie. "That's something that feminists do all the time, so I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem with us doing that."

"We can't do that either," said Twilight. "It has to be something completely unrelated to men."

"Like what?" asked Pinkie. "Practically everything is somehow related to men: politics, science, psychology, religion, world affairs, literature, even family life! If we were to get rid of all of the topics where men are likely to come up, that only leaves us with stereotypical girly girl stuff like shopping."

"Great!" said Twilight. "Let's talk about shopping!"

"Good gravy, Twilight!" exclaimed Pinkie. "We're going to talk about shopping?!? Isn't promoting the stereotypical girly girl stuff exactly what Lauren Faust doesn't want us to do? Leave that shit up to Rarity for Celestia's sake!"

"I guess you're right," sighed Twilight. "It looks like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If we talk about girly stuff, then Faust will censor us. But if we talk about serious topics, then we might accidentally mention men and we'll also get censored."

"Hey!" perked Pinkie. "Haven't we just had a conversation that isn't about men?"

"Did we really?" asked Twilight. "Did we really have an entire conversation where we didn't talk about men? At all?"

"Well.... we did mention men in passing..." admitted Pinkie, "But the subject of the conversation wasn't about men at all!"

"What was it about, then?" asked Twilight.

"Don't you get it?" asked Pinkie. "This whole time we've been talking about nothing but the Bechdel Test itself!"

"But what if the Bechdel Test is a man?" asked Twilight.

Pinkie facehoofed.

"Seriously?!?" she blurted. "For the love of pony, why on earth would anyone make a test like that, which focuses exclusively on women's issues, and make the test itself a man? It's just a fucking test! IT HAS NO GENDER!!!!"

"Well, alright," said Twilight. "Assuming that the test is not a man, a girly topic, or one in which men are deeply involved in, then I suppose we've passed that part."

"Great," said Pinkie, wiping some sweat off her brow. "So what's next?"

"For what?" asked Twilight.

"The test?"

"Nothing. That was the test."

"That's it? That's a stupid test. And it's supposed to measure what? Sexism?"

"And character involvement."

"How in the hell does that measure sexism? A work could still be irredeemably sexist even if it did pass the Bechdel Test. And, lots of stuff would fail the Bechdel Test, even if it was never intended to be sexist in the first place. Like, a piece with only one woman in it.Or a piece with no women in it. Or a piece where there are two or more women, but they're not supposed to talk to each other, or none of the characters are supposed to have names. And it also sets a ridiculous double standard! Like, if there's a story where all the characters are men, then it's sexist, but the rule 63 version of that story---"

"Shut up," said Twilight. "I'm trying to think about that one stallion's butt. It's cute."

"SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!" shrieked Pinkie. "You just put me through ALL that where I couldn't talk or even think about men just so this story could pass some stupid bullshit test, and now you're going to sit here and admire that red-and-black-alicorn-author-insertion-Gary-Stu-OC's buttocks?"

"He's not an author insertion," protested Twilight. "Because one, the author's OC is blue. Two, he's not an alicorn. And three, the author is an overweight fedora'd slovenly virgin neckbeard MRA, not a handsome buff millionaire playcolt."

"I don't care," said Pinkie. "Red and black alicorns are shitty OC's. And he's not really that hot, anyway."

"Fine," scoffed Twilight. "Then what else are we going to talk about?"

"How about we talk about something that doesn't involve men," said Pinkie, "Just to make doubly sure that we pass that Bechdel Test."

"Alright," groaned Twilight. "I'll humor you. What are we going to talk about?"

"Shopping," said Pinkie. "That's the whole reason we're here in the market, isn't it?"

"I guess," said twilight. "I thought was because the author needed a public place to set the story."

"Shhhh!" shushed Pinkie Pie. "Don't talk about men! The feminists might hear us!"

"Fine," sighed Twilight, rolling her eyes. "So... what is it that you wanted to say about shopping?"

Pinkie thought long and hard. Then she asked, "What is it we came here to get, anyway?"

Twilight thought long and hard. Then she said, "Now I remember what we came here to get!"

"What is it?" asked Pinkie. "What did we come here to get?"

Twilight took a deep breath before uttering these three syllables:

"Soap Boxes."

--end--

Author's Note

About the Author:

The author is indeed an overweight fedora'd slovenly virgin neckbeard MRA who, like all other overweight fedora'd slovenly virgin neckbeard MRA's, desperately wishes that he was a handsome and buff millionaire playcolt with seventy six virgin wives and a stretch hummer.

Seriously, have you guys ever seen a single episode or fanfic (in this fandom) that DOESN'T pass the Bechdel Test? Leave your answer in the comments section below.