Ponyville's town square was filled to the edge with ponies of all types. All of them had their hearts fixed on one pony, that who was ever honest and known for her apple products. Soon, they would lock their eyes on her. In the centre of that area was a building, formerly well-built, now in a state of disrepair. Nopony bothered, for they were caught up in the excitement – an honour ceremony for the orange earth pony, presented by the Mayor, was about to begin.
Beside the brown-topped building was a certain cyan pegasus, putting up ribbons for the event along with Ponyville's mailmare. As it always happened when the grey pegasus tried to help the community outside posting letters, there was some kind of hitch – in this case, her bolt-bucking from a cloud too close to the town hall, which was causing all the chaos.
“Careful, Derpy! I don't want to do any more damage than you've already done.”
Some ponies noted the word “derp” in that line of speech, and immediately grew concerned. They barged through the crowds, ignoring even basic courtesy, for they wanted to get to the press and express their concerns about that word.
“I just don't know what went wrong!”
This angered even more ponies, who thought Derpy was mentally disabled. An influx of ponies, mostly pegasi, could be seen crowding around the entrance to the Ponyville branch of the Equestria Press Holdings.
“Yeah, it's a mystery.”
“Nice work, Rainbow Dash.” Then a thud, and the pony with a six-colour mane yelped.
Flashes of light came and went from across the river, as reporters and journalists, having just arrived on the scene, raced to record as much information as they could about the incident, all the while evading notice by the approaching Mayor.
“You OK, Rainbow Dash? Anything I can do to help?”
“No! Nothing! Just stay there and do nothing!”
A loud noise came from nowhere, and what both pegasi saw next was a white hole above them.
“Oops! My bad!”
The crowd, knowing the star would arrive in a few minutes, was chanting her name in rough synchrony. A tan earth pony appeared on the stage. “Everypony, can I get your attention? Attention please!”
Immediately, the air became stiff and heavy, and all eyes were locked on the face with the bluish-grey mane.
“Yes, we are here to send Applejack to compete in this year's Equestria Rodeo in Canterlot.” Sound waves rattled in the atmosphere around the crowd once again.
“And I want to thank her in advance for generously offering her prize money to fix the town hall. Please welcome Applejack!” Amplifying the verbal commendations were vibrations spreading across the floor.
The Mayor stepped aside to let the pony with the light brown hat come forward and talk. “This isn't good. I'm not much for speeches.” A pause followed. In the crowd was Pinkie Pie, motioning for her friend to stop.
Ignoring the distractions, Applejack continued in her characteristic dialect. “But... this here is the nicest send off anypony could ask for. Y'all have been cheering me on in every rodeo since I was a little little pony. So it seems only fittin' to use my winnings to fix up town hall. I promise to make Ponyville proud.”
Although the lead farmer of Sweet Apple Acres did see the destruction, she failed to notice the mare behind the cracks. One mare's life would never be the same again.
The next day, extra prints of The Equestria Times were shelved in the newsagent's shops around Ponyville. The pegasus closest to Derpy the day before was near one such shop, in the place where books were sold and not borrowed. She had grown tired of standing between a mint green unicorn and a grey-amber earth pony – the colours of which she hated.
“Finally!” There was nothing in between her body and the cashier, and she came forward to pay. As ten bits fell onto the shopkeeper's hooves, she saw this on the front page:
Derpy Hooves: Mentally Handicapped or Just Clumsy?
Scene of mailmare sparks rumours of mental disability
Ponyville is well known for its post pony, frequently called Derpy Hooves, but trying to repair the town hall before the Mayor's speech yesterday proved to be controversial in terms of throwing mentally disabled ponies into criticism.
The grey pegasus, whose real name is Ditzy Grey, was with Rainbow Dash putting up banners for the special event. The word “derp” is used to describe crossed eyes, and is the origin of the nickname, because a widely popularised shot of her showed the eyes as such. However, it has very recently become an insult towards mentally disabled ponies.
When the Cloudsdale weather controller told Derpy to be careful (when she triggered bolts from a thundercloud very close to the building), some could take it no more, and gossip has now spread of Derpy being mentally disabled. Both of them could not be reached for comment, but Derpy has not been sent to the sun for her actions.
When she saw the word “not”, her mind flipped, and she silently ranted at the article's content. “Seriously? I was there. I saw it with my own eyes. For such a grave act, Derpy hasn't been banished?” As she spread her wings and darted out with Equestria's most popular newspaper in her hooves, the raging broke out. “Either Princess Celestia's ignorant regarding crimes, or this article is outright lying at me. Since all articles in The Equestria Times are reviewed countless times by countless independent sources as to be free of hoaxes, Celestia is silly! The rumours are true! I would send Derpy to the sun if I was that white princess!”
These words reached Twilight Sparkle, who was near the spa then, walking towards her library. Having read about the rumours previously, but without hearing any opinions, she started musing over them. “Derpy definitely isn't mentally disabled. She's the mailmare! How can a pony remember dozens of addresses and plan the shortest route between them if they're mentally disabled?” Then she laughed at herself for Rainbow's mistake.
Making her way forward, the relative quietness of eastern Ponyville gave way to the desynchronised voices of many. Colourful stands, selling mostly food and beverages, were established in aligned rows. Ponies, mostly of the type without wings or horns, were trotting around, their saddlebags looking as if they were balloons filled with spikes. “Ah, fresh air!” the lavender unicorn uttered. For her, this a welcome break from being surrounded by an array of bookshelves and digging her head in seas of words.
Circular tables, umbrellas placed over them in case the weather schedule entailed a hot sun or heavy rain, were positioned where the stands left large gaps. Here, friends could have a day just for conversation, or just lounge and rest. Beside one of those tables was a cream earth pony, with a cutie mark of three wrapped candies. She was gazing at the surface of the table, bowing over like a pansy in summer, and talking to herself. “The rumours are false, but Derpy is most likely too scared to come out in public now. Maybe we should let this pass on, so that she can feel safe and secure once more.”
As before, this stirred up the soup in the librarian's head, but a clearer view emerged from the network of neurons firing signals across synapses. “I expected that. Derpy definitely can think for herself, she can create routes in her head and execute them perfectly. But would it be prudent to just let this go down as an odd moment in Ponyville history? The mailmare's pseudonym isn't that harmless now - she'll need a name change. I'll let Rainbow and Bon Bon decide, since I can't make up names that can appeal to all.”
The tree library loomed, its shape and purpose interlinking perfectly. A red door was at its front, which turned when Canterlot intellect was there, without her needing to touch it. Once inside, she got to work – two flashes spaced a fraction of a second apart, and she was at her living quarters. A piece of parchment on her table was surrounded by a purple glow, and moved in front of her hooves, where the glowing ceased. The quill touched it, dancing across in a deterministic yet seemingly random manner, and these words came out:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I saw Rainbow Dash and Bon Bon musing over the incident that happened yesterday, which has caused rumours all over this town. The former held the idea that Derpy should be banished, the latter thought the whole thing can just be ignored. I think they're not right – Derpy doesn't need to be banished, but for the sake of sanity, she does need a new nickname. I want to arrange a meeting with them tomorrow at the Ponyville Discussion Point, your presence needed in case any arguments break out.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
With that, she rolled the parchment up and called out to her assistant. “Send this to Princess Celestia!”
A blue dragon, half the size of Twilight, hopped up and set fire to the parchment, which made it disappear in sparkles. Five minutes later, a second set of sparkles, and this was right in front of a pony noted for her dismissive view of superstitions:
To my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle:
That would be fine with me, and I've informed Bon Bon and Rainbow Dash about your proposed meeting. I didn't banish Derpy because what she did was not that serious – only murder would warrant the action. Besides, everypony knows she's rather clumsy at things other than posting mail, so I forgave her. I understand that she's in a bad mood now because of the rumours, and I'm confident the discussion will make her feel safe once more. I'll write the headlines of The Equestria Times two days from now with the outcome.
Princess Celestia
The Ponyville Discussion Point was a two-storey building next to the town square. On the outside, it looked like any other normal building in Ponyville, with its thatched roof and wooden frame. What was different was the inside – an atmosphere of viewpoints, debate and reasoning, with voices echoing off the walls. Square tables in various colours were arranged in an orderly manner, thus allowing at most four ponies at a table. A sign at the door said “All Opinions Allowed”.
As it always happened, whatever was in the headlines that day became the most discussed topic across the tables. In this case, it was:
Potential replacements for Derpy considered
Behaviour over town hall puts mailmare's job at stake
The debates were nothing but heated and never-ending, as there were hundreds of viewpoints regarding Derpy put forth, possible relations between them that could extinguish the fire being lost in a whirlwind of argument. One such table on the lower floor – the bearer of the element of loyalty on one side, a candy maker on the opposite side, Princess Celestia's personal protégée to the right of the pegasus – was no exception.
“I was there with that grey pegasus, so I get to make my point first. Derpy Hooves was bucking bolts out of that thundercloud, and she gave no reason for doing so. Doing something and then having no explanation for it is a sign of being mentally disabled. Therefore, I say she should be banished to the sun.”
“No, no. We should let all this pass. Derpy would be banished if what she destroyed was something too valuable to replace, and she did it intentionally. Did that incident satisfy both? No. Besides, Applejack's pledged to use her prize money to fix the town hall, so it isn't going to matter anyway!” Bon Bon replied, raising her right hoof. There was a flash of light in the room, but nopony noticed, their eyes remaining locked on the pony they wanted to talk into accepting their view as the correct, definitive answer to the problem at hand.
“It does matter! The damage may be repairable, but the emotions created from it are not. Ponies will remember this for a long time, and it's on the wrong side of the coin. Derpy has disdained the image of Ponyville! What is the remedy for this? Banishment, that's what it is!”
“Everypony loves Derpy. She delivers the mail on time, and she always shows a smile when at it. To forcibly remove her from the job would be a setback, not only for Ponyville's infrastructure, but also for the general psychological well-being of its residents!”
“Calm down!” a voice said. The ponies whose argument just got interrupted looked to their side, and shuddered slightly when a white alicorn came into view.
“Princess Celestia, why did you come here?” Rainbow inquired, her teeth gnashed in anger.
“Well, my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, has her own point to make. Listen carefully – you may learn a lot about the incident from her.”
“My mentor asked for it, so here it is. Derpy can stay, but she needs a new name out of respect to the mentally disabled.”
Two cyan hooves slammed down on the table. “That won't solve the problem. You've got to respect the pegasi! What do wings do? They convey a position of high importance. Look at the royal guards! Do you get what I'm saying?”
“All types are equally important, my friend! Derpy had no bad intentions – she was trying to put up banners for Applejack's send-off – and she definitely isn't mentally disabled because she's the mailmare. The only part that is offensive is her name. Because 'derp' has become a slur, we're going to need a replacement.”
“That would certainly be right,” the co-ruler of Equestria said. “I've heard from my faithful student that she can't think of a suitable name – do you have any proposals?”
Even after having been proven wrong twice, the pony behind the sonic rainbooms kept pushing. “No, Twilight! Derpy did do something that would merit her being banished to the sun!”
“She messed up, that's for sure, but she was trying to help! There was absolutely no bad intention on her part!”
“Fine, you win! I'd say Anaglyph for new name – definitely would make her awesome!”
“I'd rather have Skew. Crossed eyes are skewed eyes,” the candy maker replied, seemingly distraught at the Cloudsdale weather controller's antics.
“I would like to satisfy both of you,” Ponyville's librarian calmly explained. “My first try would be 'Anaglyph Skew'. However, that sounds odd, so I'd replace it with 'Iris Skew', another term for eye being iris.”
Two pairs of eyes gazed at the lavender unicorn in half-exasperation. “I think we're happy with that.”
“I see you subjects decided on Iris Skew – I'll make that Ditzy's new pseudonym. But I've got to get back to Canterlot to lower the sun so my sister can raise the moon. Anything else?”
An earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn answered in unison. “No, nothing.”
“OK, thanks for inviting me, have a nice day!” There was a flash, and the princess was away.
Having done spells to keep her cool in the hot weather, the diligent and studious pony was outside a house, of which the front door was grey with a letter emblem on it. With the day's Equestria Times in her saddlebag, she telekinetically rang the doorbell. “Hello? Are you there?”
After what seemed like five minutes, but was actually one, the resident came out. She was a grey pegasus, with a yellow mane and seven bubbles as a cutie mark, and a very anxious look showed on her face. “What do you want to say? Please, don't make me feel so bad over again!”
“Don't worry, it's all over.” Then she pulled out The Equestria Times, but only to show the headline:
Ditzy's pseudonym now Iris Skew
Change comes after discussions with Princess Celestia
Iris started to cry with a smile. “Oh, thank you... thank you for what relief you have given me. I would, however, like something in return.”
“What is it?”
“Muffins. You're smart, right?”
For somepony enrolled in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, this was bad news. “I can't bake muffins! You've got to be kidding me!” And then she facehoofed.
