This is why I don't write ship fics

by Flashburn37

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance, Spike, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Shining Armor, Discord, Slice of Life, Main 6
Length: 7493

Twilight Sparkle looked at a list of spells and spell schools she's mastered, and noticed Spike had crossed out the Enchantment school! She then remembered the want it need it incident and has decided to remaster the school! What could go wrong?

Twilight Sparkle looked at a list of spells and spell schools she's mastered, and noticed Spike had crossed out the Enchantment school! She then remembered the want it need it incident and has decided to remaster the school! What could go wrong?

Answer: Everything!!!!!!

A quirky funny tale about meddling in others love affairs, and proof that I should not write these. Or maybe not. Maybe proof I should! Up to you really.

Read if you want a funny trip through an out of control Twilight and a coping Spike, strange references that could be stories of their own, and dumb, dumb humor. Largely clean. But... I like to use the teen label when I reference things like, "Oh this will be so much fun!" She proclaimed.
"Fun?" A muffled voice from a closet let out.
Pinkie ran up to the closet and beat on the door, "You know the rules! Absolute silence or no sunshine for a week!"
So probably not needing the teen label but still. Also some violence later in, but when Macho Pony Randy Stampede is involved it is inevitable.

Published 2014-09-07 07:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-03 09:33:35 UTC

Chapter 1: Ugh, shipping.

Chapter 1: Ugh, shipping.

Twilight got up a stretched her wings, the castle was nice but she missed waking up in the library. She trotted out of her room, the stone floor being far too loud, and stopped in her personal library. It was smaller than she would've liked, but she had only just begun replacing all Tirek had destroyed. She looked at a project that Spike and her would likely never finish, a catalogue of every spell she had mastered. She smiled and started reading through them. Teleportation, levitation, transfiguration, conjuration, alchemy... the list went on and on. Then she saw a spell school crossed out.

"Enchantment? Why would Spike..." Then she blushed, despite nopony being around to see her. "Oh yeah... that."

She thought back, not so fondly to the time she botched the want it need it spell. She had basically sent the town in an all out civil war! Over her doll! She knew Celestia said she had the most raw power she had ever seen but still, accidently putting too magic was disastrous! She needed to refine it, she needed to test it, she needed... practice.

She sat in the library thinking of a way to do this... Maybe she should start by refining the target. Make something irresistible to one pony. Spike walked in and yawned. That's when Twilight got one of those ideas, one of those ideas she really thinks is a bad idea, but she does it anyways. She smiled.

Spike saw Twilight staring at him eerily and got worried, "Twilight? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I have an idea! Why don't we host a... Castle warming party? We can invite everypony! All my friends, my students and anypony Pinkie thinks would be a good idea." Twilight's gaze darkened.

"Okay..." He acknowledged, sure that he was in for something terrible. "I'll start writing the invitations, when do you want it?"

"Oh how about this afternoon?"

"This afternoon? As in, this afternoon this afternoon?"

"Yes, why not? We don't have anything scheduled. The rest of the week is booked, this is the perfect time."

"Alright, Twilight." He shrugged. He walked over to his desk and began to scribble the notes down. He thought he felt something warm touch his back, but when he turned Twilight was just reading a book on advanced thermal aerodynamics, while throwing around gusts of presumably warm wind. This went on for a few minutes, until all the letters were ready.

"I'm done Twilight!" Spike got up and handed the letters to the Princess.

"Good! Send them all to Pinkie with this, " She gave him a note, "She'll do the rest." Spike sent the letters and began preparing the Castle for its eventual guests. Looking worriedly over his shoulder at the over excited pony that he considered a slightly insane aunt. Fun, but kind of scary. And loads of work!

***

"Could you get me the Zap Apple frosting from the cupboard over there dear?" Pinkie heard Mrs. Cake ask.

"Yes indeedy!" Pinkie dashed off in a whirlwind of energy. She opened the cupboard and thrust her whole head in, her eyes stretching in the gloom, until the lighted on the precious container. She grabbed it with her hair when she heard Mrs. Cake call her name again.

"I got it!" Pinkie yelled from within the cupboard. She went further in, until she was crawling out of the sink behind Mrs. Cake, who held a scroll stuffed with envelopes. "OOOOOO an order?"

"Oh my sweet Celestia! You spooked me! I told you not to do that anymore Pinkie!"

"Sorry... It's a habit." She shrugged.

"Oh and this is for you." She said as she took the frosting. She dropped the scroll on Pinkie's hoof. It felt good, it felt... LIKE A PARTY INVITATION!!!!!!!!

"Are you going to need me at all the rest of the day?!" Pinkie giggled in excitement.

"Not unless business really picks up, but you know Thursdays. Why, have a party to plan?"

Pinkie looked at her shaking hoof, "Yep!"

"Have fun Pinkie." Her boss nodded.

Pinkie zoomed up the stairs and opened the scroll as she sat on her multidimensional reference finder. "Dear Pinkie, I, Twilight Sparkle... blah blah blah... hosting a PARTY... blah blah blah... invite anypony whom you believe will add to the party... blah blah blah... no gifts... could you help set it up... blah blah blah... usual fees plus ten percent for short notice... Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle and Spike." She smiled wide and ran around the room gathering her supplies.

"Oh this will be so much fun!" She proclaimed.

"Fun?" A muffled voice from a closet let out.

Pinkie ran up to the closet and beat on the door, "You know the rules! Absolute silence or no sunshine for a week!" She then trotted down the stairs, "La la la la la la!"

Chapter 2: A little chaos will help!

Chapter 2: A little chaos will help!

"Spike... remind me to never let Pinkie invite ponies by herself. The Castle is going to be packed!" Twilight sighed when she exited the room Pinkie was working on.

"Well, look at the Brightside! Most ponies won't show up with such short notice." Spike offered.

"I guess, but she invite so many!"

"Well, I guess castle warming parties need a few more ponies than a house warming one, stone floors are terribly cold normally." Spike joked.

"I guess. So Spike, you feeling okay?"

"Yeah..." He tilted his head. "Why do you ask?"

"Well you look a little green is all." Twilight joked. "We did just move, wanted to know if you were settling in."

"Well enough I suppose. It doesn't smell right in here, I don't mean it smells bad! It's just... not the same."

"I know, the smell will return though, it was the musk of books is all. When we replace all that Tirek destroyed life will be back to normal. Oh and I've been working on a solution to the temperature problem, thermal aerodynamics may hold the clue. If I can set up some spell system..."

The door flew open and a pink blur charged the two, stopping without slowing right before crashing into them.

"The party, she is ready! Oh and a few guests have trickled in, I assume her royal alicorness might want to greet a few of them!" Quipped Pinkie Pie, before she dashed back into the room.

"Alright Spike, you heard her, time to go shake hooves." Twilight sighed.

"Hey, you wanted a party!" Spike laughed, "I'm going to the punch bowl!" The traitorous little reptile scuttled away.

Twilight walked into the foyer and saw three ponies sitting there, Berry Punch, always where the drink could be found, Time Turner, punctual as usual, and Rarity! Her test subject was holding a box with her magic and was in a rather fetching red gown covered in sequins that glinted against the light as she sauntered around making small talk. For a moment Twilight thought about rushing inside and throwing on any old dress she had left, after Tirek blew them all up! It was too late for that though.

She trotted up to the two citizens and exchanged pleasantries and shook their hooves, before hastily shuffling them indoors. Now she was alone with her target. She trotted up, far more nervous than she should have been.

"Hello Rarity! Nice of you to make it on such short notice." They hugged.

"Why of course I'd come for such a momentous occasion!" She smiled, "After all it isn't everyday somepony gets a new castle to live in. Besides, how could I miss a party thrown by Pinkie Pie after the Cheese Sandwich incident?"

"Yeah... she says she's not mad, but I still feel bad." Twilight agreed. "Let's go inside, I'm sure she's expecting us. After you." Twilight opened the door with her magic.

"Thank you Twilight, but surely you must go first."

"I have to stay out here, for a few minutes, just to great any other ponies."

"Alright, I'll see you inside." Rarity entered the castle. Twilight charged up her horn and right before the door shut a small red heart shot quickly through and pegged her in the back.

Twilight heard a muffled, "Wow, it is warm in here. Now where do I put my gift?"

Twilight smiled smugly. It had been a stroke of luck she was sitting next to the TH section of the library when Spike had turned, not just because it gave an excuse for the heat, but because Thermal Aerodynamics might actually solve the heating issue! She was beginning to master the spell too! She was now prepared to attempt to set the spell as a dormant seed she could tailor to anything she felt like, when she felt like it. She heard the ruffle of feathers as a yellow pegasi named Fluttershy landed just outside the open door to the outside. She was wearing a saddlebag and a simple green frock.

"Fluttershy! So glad you could make it!" They hugged.

"Of course I could Twilight." She smiled at Twilight, "So, I assume Rarity is inside showing off her new dress?"

Twilight nodded. "How'd you know about that?" She laughed.

"I watched her start making it a week ago. I figured it would be done by now. I also figured you wouldn't have replaced all of your clothes after..." Her eyes widened in temporary panic before she continued, "The incident. So I had Discord make this." She opened her bag and pulled out a lovely slip on dress. "I asked him to make it simple, but the color changes every few minutes. Or it doesn't. I can't make sense of it."

"Oh it's lovely!" Twilight sincerely thanked her friend before slipping into the garment. Though no matter how easy any clothes were to put on her wings would get in the way. After a good minute and Fluttershy's help she finally got into the gown. She stretched in it and it shimmered in the light turning a deep blue.

"I'm glad you like it!" Fluttershy smiled.

"I'll see you inside shortly, after most of the other guests have shown up." Fluttershy nodded and, as the door shut, Twilight shot out a heart. Fluttershy seemed uncomfortable for a moment but said nothing. Twilight felt real guilty after that. She looked at the dress, now dark green, and sighed.

"Now Twilight, why so glum?" The floor said in a rather sarcastic voice. It grew behind her, and when she turned to face it, none other than Discord stood before her.

"I don't know what you mean." Twilight backed into the now shut door. Her dress was a mute blue.

"Come on now, your speaking to the greatest trickster of them all. I saw everything. What are you doing, so I may join in. Otherwise I may have to tell the others you're up to something and I'm assuming that would damage your precious experiment." He smirked knowing he had won.

"Fine... I'm monitoring ponies emotional reaction to a party, the spell I cast monitors that." She lied. Her dress was now a shining silver.

"Twilight, you can't lie to me normally, what makes you think you can do it in a mood robe?" He twisted into a coil around Twilight his eyes like daggers, "Besides, friends shouldn't lie to one another."

"I'm... I'm practicing a spell." The look on his face told Twilight it wasn't enough. "The want it need it spell. I'm trying to master the enchantment school of magic." Her dress turned an embarrassed red.

"I won't interfere. In fact, I'd like to be a part of it! Hit me, with your best shot!" Twilight really didn't want to... but there was no alternative. "Oh and don't remove the dress, Fluttershy might not take to kindly to it..." He snickered as he slinked inside, smiling as Twilight wondered how deep she had just gotten herself into this mess.

Chapter 3: Let's Partay!

Chapter 3: Let's Partay!

The party was jumping as around thirty ponies roamed the halls of the new castle. Twilight had made a list of all the guests, and potential subjects paired with their matches. First things first though, she needed to test out her original test subjects. Spike and Rarity. She took a secret door up to a balcony overlooking the main room and watched the mingling, searching for her two friends. She saw Spike, as he walked through the room serving punch, but he seemed to be gravitating towards a certain corner. That was where Twilight caught sight of Rarity. Spike slowly looped around until he was right next to her. A quick spell allowed Twilight to hear all that transpired.

"Uhh, hi Rarity." Spike introduced himself sheepishly, he then seemed to slip on his own tail and turned the stumble into a bow. "Some punch?" He offered.

"Of course Spikey Wikey!" She took a cup of punch and sipped it. "Oh this is delicious! Did you make it yourself?"

"You betcha! I could get you the recipe if you like!" He seemed over eager to please. It was hard to tell if the spell was working, or if it was just Spike being Spike, or Rarity being Rarity.

"Oh I'm sure I could never make it quite like this, you have a true talent here." She tussled his spines.

Twilight looked at her mood robe, it was a bright pink. She agreed with it, she was excited beyond belief. She watched as Spike leaned in for a kiss, but Rarity backed away. A tear rolling down her cheek.

"Spike, you know we can't be together. You're a child, and a different species. I'm... I'm sorry. But I could never be with you. I will only live a few decades, but you centuries." She was crying now. "I couldn't live with the thought of you not moving on. Living by a gravestone. You deserve better."

Twilight's spying spell ended when she could no longer put the energy into it. Tears rolled freely down her cheeks when she realized what she had done.

"Oh Twilight... what's wrong? Practice have consequences you didn't see coming?" Discord appeared by her side, he saw her mood robe and it's dark purple answered the question for him. "It's okay, I've been in this situation before. It'll pass. I never actually faced the problem, until I met you ponies... I always just ran away. Ah well, I guess it's over now?" He smirked.

Something about that smirk really made Twilight mad. Something inside her snapped and she got an idea.

She stood in her know black dress and smiled at Discord. "No. It's not over. I'm making progress, it may not have worked out for Spike and Rarity, but I'm sure my other picks will work out for the betterment of both parties lives."

Discord was shocked. "I... I thought you were practicing a spell?"

"I was... but not now." Twilight looked over the congregated ponies. "Now I'm helping others... not just myself. Whether or not they like it..." Her horn flashed and all of her little love seeds sprouted. She knew she put too much force behind it, but who cared? They'd be happy...

Ponies all over the main floor suddenly smiled, their eyes, red hearts as they charged towards... their special somepony! Rarity screamed as a red eyed Discord scooped up a similarly effected Fluttershy. The spun in circles in the air before vanishing in a burst of light. Ponies were flung from Big Mac's path as he screamed out nonsensical pet names, like smoopsypie, or honeydoobear, charging towards a fainting Cherilee.

Unaffected ponies quickly found the outskirts of the room to avoid being trampled in the mad dash of the love entranced ponies. After the dust had cleared, it wasn't as terrifying as it had been at first. Time Turner and Rose Luck were rambling about some time thing, Applejack and Rainbowdash were staring awkwardly at each other and blushing. Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich were all over the place. Rarity turned to Spike and screamed again, as did he. They're eyes were the same as the affected.

Twilight watched as her couples met their beloved and began recognizing her mistakes. Rainbow and Applejack, would only blush! Surely the spell had been strong enough! She had other things to deal with at the moment though. Discord had disappeared and she couldn't allow a rogue element in her precious experiment. She shut, and magically sealed the doors. None would leave before she returned. Following the trail left by Discord's magic, she crept further into her castle.

***

Princess Cadence was enjoying a lovely meal with her Shining Armor and delegates from Saddle Arabia when she had a terrible headache. She fell from her chair and Shining rushed to her side.

"Cadence! Cadence! Are you alright!" He held her up and looked around panicked. "You! Flash Sentry! Get a doctor in here now!"

Cadence slowly got up with her husband's help. "I'm... I'm fine... I just felt a major disturbance."

Shining looked really confused.

"Luna can sense nightmares, and when a really bad one happens she knows to visit them. I have a similar talent... but this... Somewhere in Ponyville dozens of love tragedies are occurring all at once. A large group of souls being forced together against their volition."

"Where did you say it was?" Shining Armor's panic only got worse.

"We have to get to Ponyville as soon as possible!" She urged him before turning to the delegates, "I'm sorry, but we must reschedule this for some other time.

"We understand completely go, save your ponies."

Chapter 5: Heating up in here!

Chapter 5: Heating up in here!

Twilight flew from corridor to corridor, her quarry always a step ahead of her. The castle was changing, she no longer recognized the twisting hallways or the spiraling stairwells. She would have lost Discord's trail long ago if he had made any attempts to conceal it. She flew out of a corridor and landed in a field that had been spawned in a forgotten meeting hall. She saw Discord and Fluttershy sitting next to a tree, lost in each other's eyes. Discord looked up at Twilight and growled. Twilight smiled as she amped up the spells power. She could see the strain in Discord's face as he tried against his own heart to stare down the intruder, but he couldn't bear another moment without seeing his precious Fluttershy's face again. Twilight poured more magic into the spell and his will failed him. Twilight had won.

***

Rarity watched in horror as Fluttershy and Discord were dropped in the main hall, not even the lord of chaos was safe!

"Spikey? Have you had any luck with the door?"

The dragon grunted in frustration as the doors continued to reject his proposal. "That's it!" He growled.

He breathed his green fire until he ran out of breath. Looking up he saw the door remained unscathed.

"It's magically protected! Rarity, I can't open it but maybe you can!"

"I... I'll try." Rarity mustered up all the magical energy she could and attempted to open the door. It remained stoically shut. She tried once more and her magic was repulsed! She only felt it for a moment, but she recognized the energy...

"Spike! I think... I think Twilight's doing this!" Rarity panicked.

"No way! Twilight would never... Well she was unusually happy this morning..."

"We have to find her Spike! Get a letter to Celestia or something."

"One letter to Celestia coming up! Do you have any parchment? Or a quill?" Spike asked.

"No. But we can find substitutes! You find the paper and ink, I know where to get a quill!" They nodded and split. Spike knew there was some ink in the cupboard by the punch and any old tablecloth would do, but where would Rarity get a quill?

***

"Sup?" Rainbow awkwardly shuffled over to Applejack.

Applejack blushed, "Um... Big Mac really seems to like Miss Cherilee dontcha think?"

"Um yeah..." Rainbow gulped. "So... uh... AJ?" Rainbow stared at Applejack and wondered why she never noticed just how cute her mane looked, like how it matched her tail! She looked so strong...

"Ye... Yeah Rainbow?" Applejack stared back, her eyes slowly noticing things she never had before, like how Rainbow's mane would always keep the colors separate... How strong her wings looked. Those smooth, feathered, beautiful wings. Like a swan's, but stronger than an eagle's...

"I... I have a question to ask..." Rainbow scooted in and lost herself in those deep green eyes. Why she almost saw a heart in them.

"Go... go ahead an' ask." Applejack stared deep into the magenta pools that were the windows to Rainbow Dash's soul, or heart.... she knew what the question was going to be.

"Do you want t- BUCK A TREE PONY FEATHERS OW!!!!!" Rainbow shrieked in pain.

"Um... sorry about that. Carry on!" Rarity ran off, levitating some cyan feathers away.

"What were you going to ask?" Applejack asked, anxious.

"What are you talking about? And what's with your eyes?" Rainbow asked nervously.

Applejack stared into Rainbow's eyes, but the heart was gone.

"Nuthin..." Tears rolled down Applejacks cheeks.

"What did I do AJ?" Rainbow rushed over to her friend.

***

Celestia was just sitting down to the Solstice dinner, one of the few meals she and Luna had together when a plume of green smoke flew in through the window and landed before her revealing a torn bit of table cloth with a crude note written on it. She was about to read it when Luna trotted in, already in her work clothes. She quickly folded the note and stuffed it under her plate.

"Ah, Luna! Dear Sister, please sit down! We hardly ever speak anymore! What has been going on? Any news?"

"Well, I may have to cut this short, I have a feeling I'll be dream walking a lot more tonight. Oh and I met a colt!"

"Oooooo! You met a colt! We can talk business later, let's get straight to the juicy stuff!" She took a big bite of banana cake.

"Oh it's nothing, just a torrid fling in a poorly written fan fiction, won't last long."

"Been awhile since you've indulged the fandom, what made you change your mind?"

"Boredom mainly, and this self insert, can really self insert, if you catch my drift." Luna raised her eyebrows suggestively. They both laughed.

"Besides," Luna continued, "The thing is written poorly so it won't take up to much time."

"You know, we've spent far too much time researching the Pinkie sense, a few months ago and we'd never have even considered half of this possible."

"It's been fun though!" Luna rebutted.

"Ah yes, what do you think of this one?"

"I don't even know the premise... "This is why I don't write ship fics" strange title indeed." Luna smiled.

"I haven't paid much attention to the happenings, but the purpose is fun."

"Oh?"

"The author is attempting to write something incredibly bad, for his own entertainment and to make fun of Fan Fictions in general. He honestly thinks that anyone who's read this far won't mind this part."

"You said he's "trying" to make it incredibly bad, is it good?"

"Oh no, it's terrible." Celestia turned towards the 4th wall and winked.

Chapter 42: The only answer arrives

Chapter 42: The only answer arrives.

Princess Cadence flew quickly towards Ponyville, carrying her husband Shining Armor. Upon arrival she began to understand what was going on. Twilight's castle had almost doubled in size and the changes made almost no sense. Walls were striped and spotted for Celestia's sake!

"I knew it! Discord messing with ponies again! This time he has gone too far!" Cadence had never had a problem with the eccentric... thing before, but he was messing with a primal force here! One that she was connected with!

"If he has done anything to Twilly I swear I'll make him wish he were stone again!" Shining Armor huffed.

They landed outside the main gates and marched up to the doorway. Shining attempted to open it but it was magically sealed.

"I've got it." Cadence smiled, hoping to avoid hurting his pride. She charged up her horn and fired a spell of opening. Nothing happened.

"Together then?" Shining asked.

"Always." She rested her head against his for a moment, before they unleashed a powerful blast of magical energy. A membrane of magic that surrounded the door shimmered and bended but did not break.

"We need to keep trying! Who knows what's going on in there!" They prepared once more.

***

"Rarity! Look!" Spike pulled at her mane and she looked at the door... it was shimmering...

"Spike, I may be a unicorn but I've never seen anything like that."

"I have. Somepony is trying to get in, but they are just short of breaking through. If we help them they we might just have a way out of here!"

"Celestia must've finally gotten our note!"

"I doubt Twilight could hold out Celestia, but whoever it is, they might be able to help. Come on, we have to help before they give up or get too tired!" Spike and Rarity stood side by side and blasted the door with all they had.

***

Twilight reeled in shock as her spell was battered from both the inside and out. She quickly galloped to her channeling tower... a place she had prepared for complex spells, the runes she had engraved would, in theory, amplify her magic exponentially. The walls of the castle began to shimmer as her spell began to cave in on itself. She poured on more and more of her focus before she skidded to a halt in her tower. She let the spell fail and cast one twice as powerful. She had to sit there to keep it going, but sent out arcane eyes to monitor her test subjects.

***

Spike cheered as the spell failed and the door was reduced to ash from the combined magic. On the other side stood Cadence and Shining Armor.

"Thank Celestia you're here! Twilight has gone mad! She in the middle of some kind of experiment an-" Spike belted out as quickly as one mouth can, before being flung across the room from the sheer force of the barrier reasserting itself. He saw the Princess and her husband reeling from the news, and saw them talking, but heard nothing. He felt the wall of magic and knew it's power was beyond anything Twilight could conjure up without help. So either she got several other unicorns to help or...

"Rarity... we need to break through this wall, fast... she's in her channel tower, the amount of power she can wield in there... well if our math was correct... the effects might become permanent to her test subjects."

"Oh dear me..." She began to channel her magic again and those on the other side seemed to reach the same conclusion.

Spike was about to join them when a voice behind him asked a question.

"So Twilight cast a spell on us?" Spike turned and saw Rainbow hovering behind him, her eyes clear from infection.

"Yeah unfortunately that seems to be the case."

"And she's in her "Channel Tower"? Channeling requires focus right?"

"Yes, it really does." He confirmed, thinking of every time a lapse in concentration had resulted in cranial trauma.

"I'll weaken her spell." Rainbow dashed off before Spike could say anything. As he watched her fly away he noticed a small glowing eye, watching him...

Chapter 69: Rainbowjack v Apple Dash OPOTP

Chapter 69: Rainbowjack v Apple Dash OP OTP

Twilight began to panic as she watched Cadence and the others breaking through her shield. Her panic only worsened when she saw Rainbow dashing through her castle. Her spell began to crumble before she calmed herself and refocused. She needed a way out, the shield wouldn't last forever. She knew of a spell in the Cantorlot Library, one that would let her go back in time for a few moments but only once. She had done it once before, but that was before her ascension... perhaps her change in form and increase in power would be sufficient. It was her only hope, Cadence looked miffed. Canterlot was really far for a simple teleport though... Normally it would take hours of channeling, but in this tower... She needed to delay Rainbow, and one her arcane eyes spotted the solution, the sad, sad solution. Spurned by love, she would be easy prey for a rage spell...

***

Applejack hadn't been this sad since she had received the news about her parents. Slowly she sauntered over to her brother and cried on his shoulder, he didn't seem to notice. Nopony ever noticed her... She felt like she was living in the background of her own life. She slumped by the punch bowl and pretended to scoop up some juice before pouring herself some of her own Applejack's Dandy Brandy that she kept in her hat. It was going to be for Berry Punch but she needed it more now. She took a swig and felt the alcohol burn through her system. Why'd Rainbow pull her affections away at the last moment? Her heart grew cold...

"I don't need her... I have the whole ah Ponyville wrapped around mah hoof." She thought back to her "best citizen" trophy collection. "Well she can go burst a cloud for all I care." It didn't help. Her sadness turned to anger.

She had seen Rainbow head over to the weird flickering green light by the door a minute ago, it was time to give her a piece of her mind! She trotted over and saw Spike attempting to burn down the door, or... whatever there was where the door should have been. A little eye floated down and stared at her. It glowed brightly for a moment before a finger of light shot forward. Applejack instinctively blinked right before it hit and found herself in a strange part of the Castle, or at least she assumed it was the Castle. It was made from the same stuff. There was a long hallway ending with a door, and behind her a junction. She sat and thought for a moment, left or right? Rainbow dashed around a corner and made up her mind for her.

"Rainbow Dash! I have somethin' to tell you!" She yelled as angrily as she could muster. The Pegasus just flew right past her without slowing.

"How dare you!" Applejack screeched. She pulled a lasso from her hat and threw it around Rainbow, pinning her wings. She grinned when Rainbow fell face first on the floor.

"RAINBOW DASH! I SAID I HAVE SOMETHIN' TO TELL YOU!" She screamed as she trotted over to her captive. "And Y'all gonna listen!"

"AJ, I-" Rainbow began as she sat up, cradling a bruised forehoof.

"Shut yer face!" Applejack silenced her, her eyes glowing. "You were gonna ask me somethin'! But then you chickened out and pretended we both didn't know what the question was!" Tears streamed down the farmer's face, "How could ya do that ta me? How could ya show me you feel the same and back out? Am I not good enough for you!? Am I too grounded? Too boring? Well you know what? Your headstrong, idiotic, egotistical, rude, and a narcissist!"

"Don't egotistical and narcissist the same thing?" Rainbow winced.

"SHUT UP AH AINT DONE!" Applejack screeched. "You constantly put yerself in danger for no reason! You claim to want to join the Wonderbolts and you claim to be the faster flier in Equestria! Well? If that were true you'd be a Wonderbolt! For all yer peacocking yer nothin' but a coward! You say you want to be a Wonderbolt so nopony questions all that trainin' when all yer doin' is runnin'! An' now I know what yer runnin' from... you... you coulda told me... you can always tell me. You like like me right? But you like like Sorin too right? Get a load ah that! The most loyal pony in Equestria can't choose between a filly and a foal! But even you can't be in two places at once, so you run. You run from yerself!" She sneered.

Rainbow Dash looked down, a tear rolling down her cheek. She looked into Applejack's eyes and saw the tell tale signs of enchantment.

"yes..." She whispered before slamming her hoof into the side of Applejack's head. She threw the rope off and charged to the door.

Rainbow Dash was so mad she wanted nothing more than to make Twilight pay, and she knew one way to scare the pretty petty purple pony princess, she screamed, "PRINCESS TWILIGHT! YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO ME!"

She had never gone sonic that quickly, or indoors. The world was about to learn why.

Chapter 1337: Get WREKT Twi!

Chapter 1337: Get WREKT Twi!

Rainbows shattered through the crystal walls of the castle. Shards fell from the ceiling and the floors cracked in two. Windows all over Ponyville shook from the sheer concussive force before splitting in awe. The shield surrounding the castle exploded outwards and rays of rainbow light pierced the sky. Shining Armor managed to shield himself and his wife whereas Spike only managed to shield Rarity. The young dragon leapt between her and the explosion as the wall behind her fractured, sending hundreds of tiny, and dozens of large daggers flying towards her. Rarity slowly stood, her ears ringing from the blast, her vision blurred. She took a few unsteady steps towards Cadence and Shining Armor before she felt a weight on her back, and a warm, sticky liquid running down her legs. She recoiled in horror when she saw her Alabaster coat turned red, and her heart fell into a dark ravine when she saw why. Spike laid upon her, his backed pierced deeply in several places.

"SPIKE! NO!" She screeched in sorrow. "Slowly she levitated him to the ground, and inspected his wounds. She was no doctor, but she had never seen such deep wounds nor so much blood loss.

"Thick scales... remember?" Spike coughed, his body protesting every painful word.

"Spike... you saved me." Rarity began sobbing.

"I know, I was there." He grinned, his teeth even seemed to bleed. "Rarity, I know we could nev-"

"Don't talk like that! You're going to make it!" She bit her lip through the lie.

"Let me finish... I know we could never be together the way I wanted us to be, but please... don't settle... your... you're too beautiful to end up as some rich stallions arm candy. Promise me."

"Spike I..." She couldn't continue, her heart was in her throat.

"Promise me." He whispered.

She couldn't say anything, so she leaned down and kissed him. When she opened her eyes his were closed, never to open again, but he knew.

***

"Thank Celestia for those panic shields!" Cadence huffed as she flew her husband through the collapsing halls.

They passed a red stallion crying over a reddish mare pinned by a large section of roof, he sobbed, "Smoopsy!". Everywhere they looked they saw the destruction Twilight had wrought. The whole castle seemed on the verge of collapse! The passed the unconscious form of Applejack and turned a corner. They had just entered the point where, whatever had detonated, detonated and were shocked to see a rainbow trail leading into a dark portal that was swiftly closing. Cadence zoomed through the air and Shining leapt from her back.

"You go on ahead, this castle won't hold much longer without support! I'll get everypony out!" He channeled a shield that held the walls slightly more intact.

Cadence nodded and flew into the unknown.

***

Twilight had just finished her spell when a large explosion shattered the calm around her. She spun just in time to see her door disintegrate from the approaching shape, the shape hit her square and her little nick in space got torn wide open. Now she was being catapulted through the void to who knows where by what she assumed was Rainbow Dash, she might never be able to travel back and stop this, and worst of all, her experiment was absolutely ruined!

There was a bright light and they crashed into a well lit area. Twilight slowly got her face off of the floor, which was cushioned and red. She looked around and was shocked to see what she could only assume was an arena! The cushioned area was surrounded by a metal fence, and beyond that countless ponies cheering.

"It looks like we have some surprise contenders! Why, one is none other than our esteemed new Princess Twilight Sparkle!" A voice screamed over a PA system. The crowded roared in response. "And the other is Rainbow Dash! Wielder of the Element of Loyalty! How will Macho Pony Randy Stampede and Bulk Biceps respond to having their match interrupted?!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEE MACHO PONY MACHO MADNESS COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU PRINCESS!" A voice behind Twilight screamed. She turned just in time to kicked into the wall behind her by a garishly dressed Stallion.

"YEAH!" Bulk screamed as he stood between Twilight and her attacker. "BULK BICEPS WON'T STAND FOR YOUR ASSUALT ON PONYVILLE'S OWN PRINCESS!" Before charging a punching the Macho Pony.

"What are the odds?" Twilight groaned as she slid down the chain link wall rubbing her chin. She saw the portal remained open and standing before it was Rainbow Dash who glared at her.

"Now Rainbow Dash... let's be reasonable!" Twilight tried her best to back through the fence.

"Rainbow... SMASH!" The pegasi screamed as she charged straight into Twilight. She started catching Twilight in the face with right and left hooks before being thrown off by a ridiculously strong Bulk Biceps.

"I WILL PROTECT YOU PRINCESS! YEAH!" He spun around and glared at both Macho Pony and Rainbow Dash.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Rainbow Smash, me an' you?!" The rather terrifying stallion roared.

"Whatever!" Rainbow Dash screamed back.

"Thank you Bulk Biceps." Twilight nodded. She rubbed her head, what was with all the yelling?

The two sets of two either took to the air or, in Macho Pony's case, jumped. Twilight immediately blasted Rainbow Dash with her horn as Bulk was locked in a sleeper hold by Macho Pony. She turned and blasted him but in doing so left herself vulnerable to the fastest pony in Equestria. A metal chair was brought down on her horn, hard. Twilight's vision flashed as Rainbow Dash smashed the chair into her side sending her crashing to the ground.

"Here's some free advice Twilight. Stay down!" Rainbow threatened.

A bit of blood flowed into Twilight's left eye and she felt the terrible symptoms of a concussion setting in, but she couldn't stop now. She shot up and blasted Rainbow with as much magic she could muster at the same time Bulk Biceps threw Macho Pony onto the distracted mare. They both hit the ceiling with a sickening crunch and fell to the ground. Rainbow and Macho Pony were unconscious as Twilight slowly made for the portal, she could still manipulate it to take her to Cantorlot but not for much longer.

"We have a double knock out everypony! But it looks like Rainbow Crash has broken a wing! Somepony get a medic in there STAT! Well we promised a show ponies! And did we give one?" The crowd roared.

Twilight was just about to slip through when a pony walked out of the portal. It was none other than Cadence...

"Pony feathers..." Twilight cursed.

Chapter I've lost count: Deus Ex Machina

Chapter I've lost count: Deus Ex Machina

"Oh hi Cadence! Fancy seeing you here..." Twilight laughed nervously her legs shaky.

"Twilight come with me." Cadence ordered.

"No!"

"You are in no state to resist." Cadence raised an eyebrow. "Now hurry, through the portal."

"Don't you get it Cadence? I can fix it!"

"Twilight, there is no running from this. Go through the portal now!" Cadence sighed. "Or I will make you."

"You... are in no state to give the Princess of MAGIC an order." Twilight glared at her. "Think about who you are trying to stop Cadence. I fought Tirek, Discord, Sombra, Chrysalis, the Ursa Minor, the Hydra, Cerberus, several dragons, what hope do you have?"

"You think you're so powerful? I'm an alicorn too! Look at yourself Twilight! You've been thrashed!"

"You'll look worse if you get in my way." Twilight threatened.

"Twilight, through the portal now or else!" Cadence shot back.

"You've made your choice." Twilight teleported to the other side of the cage. If she succeeded none of this would ever happen so she didn't need to hold back. She charged up her horn and flew at Cadence.

"I don't want to hurt you Twilight!" Cadence flew at Twilight, her horn alight.

The two alicorns crashed into each other and released their channeled spells. The resulting explosion rocked the arena. Bulk turned and saw Twilight fighting yet another opponent. The announcer cheered at this new development. Twilight landed heavily her exhaustion getting the best of her, while Princess Cadence still flew high. Twilight shook her head and took to the air. Cadence battered her with weak spells and dodged Twilight's powerful blasts. She was far more graceful than Twilight, but seeing how she was born a pegasi and Twilight a unicorn it made sense. Twilight was pushed through the ground by yet another successful blast. Twilight knew she was beat, but she couldn't give up. Then he flew up, Bulk Biceps! He pinned Cadence in the air yelling some strange war cry. Twilight saw her shot. Cadence conjured a shield but it was no match for Twilight's ferocity. The two ponies flew through the metal fence and crashed into the audience. Twilight limped for the portal. She looked around before jumping back in, how would she tell herself about this? It mattered not. Priorities were getting to Canterlot and casting the spell above all else. She made her adjustments to the portal and leapt in.

***

Twilight shuffled through the library towards where Pinkie left the scroll. She picked it up and stared at Ponyville through the mirror. The town was in chaos, her castle in shambles, her home was destroyed. It was all her fault. She completed the spell right as Cadence burst into the room, murder in her eyes.

The transportation was as painful and disorientating as last time, but she had been ready for that and when she appeared in front of her surprised self, she knew just what to do.

"Wait, your me! But I'm me? Oh did I figure out how to cast tha... what happened to me?" Past Twilight looked at her future self in shock, from the torn and bloody dress to the multiple wounds.

"Listen as you know I don't have much time! We have not mastered the school of enchantment and if you try to you'll end up like me! Don't do it! Also, the Ponyville Pirates lose to the Manehatten Myrmidons in the next hoofball game. Bet. Everything." The energy field was crackling apart and she knew her time had come to an end. "Trust yourself, leave the "want it need it" spell alone. I've ruined everypony's lives. Don't do it!" And with a flash she was gone.

***

"Alright Spike! This one is a toughy but I'm sure you'll have a beard by tonight!" Twilight concentrated. Spike was once again beardless. "Drat! I thought we had it!"

"Twilight, let's take a break. I made punch!" He grinned.

"Why'd you make punch?" She asked.

"I don't know... I just felt like it I guess." He coughed up a letter from Celestia. "Ugh, it's for you."

"Thank you Spike, and some punch would be excellent." She unrolled the scroll and read the little message.

Dearest Twilight, We, Celestia, Luna, and Pinkie know you were visited by yourself earlier today, she is from a dangerous alternate timeline. Please no matter what she said, DO NOT USE THE "WANT IT NEED IT" SPELL EVER AGAIN! If you even attempt the spell we will know, and you will be dealt with as if you had committed every crime she had. This is your one warning Twilight! Heed it well. Also, nice choice on the game! I bet you'll be enjoying all that cash! Pinkie wants a new party canon for her birthday. P.S. She doesn't know we wrote that last part about the canon, it would just be a nice gesture.

Sincerely, Princesses Celestia and Luna with their good friend, Pinkie.

Twilight burned the letter with her magic and made a mental note to never, ever, ever cast that spell again.