Homo-Equine Relations

by a guy with many hats

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2788

The first human in Equestria and the first pony on Earth have a chat, things quickly get a bit awkward when they realize they don't have much to talk about.

The first human in Equestria and the first pony on Earth have a chat, things quickly get a bit awkward when they realize they don't have much to talk about.

Part of Equestrium

Published 2014-09-20 07:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-20 07:10:04 UTC

Firsts

I sat in the snow, half buried and waiting to fall asleep. My coat kept my warm, the thick otherworldly material thin but insanely well insulated. It was three days since the ponies had blanketed the already cool ground in a thick, fluffy blanket of snow. I couldn't stand being cooped up inside when it snowed, Celestia always got cuddly and wanted to crank up the heat and snuggle, but I couldn't stand the stuffy heat.

It felt nice to get back to the snow, it reminded me of home. I wasn't about to complain about living with Celestia, or living in Equestria, but I did have moments where I wished I could go back. Equestria was calm, peacful, happy, but it was just that. It was rather boring for me, outside the occasional magical incident, but I never had any say. It was always taken care of by the ponies, with magic or work or something, and I was left to sit around and wait till someone needed to be punched or yelled at.

I rubbed my face, watching off duty guards roam the grounds, servants trot off towards home for the night, I was just left where I always was. Constant horse watching and hiding in the snow had become my winters for the past eight years. Eight years since I'd left home, since everything turned from my normal life of war to a calm existence with a happy wife, a happy land full of happy people, blissfully unaware of what Celestia actually knew, and why she had to keep it covered.

But I knew, Celestia knew, her relatives and a few chosen people knew. And no matter how much we talked or discussed it, justified it, no matter what we always came back to the same thing. Ponies weren't ready.

"Able?" Celestia's soft voice echoed over the field, "...Able, you have a guest?"

I watched from my hidden lump of snow as Celestia walked around with a bright mint pony trailing giddily behind her. "Hello?" Celestia called to me, causing me to hide deeper in the snow. "...I know I saw him out here...."

I stayed hidden, watching Celestia walk around, her long copper-gold scarf hanging around her neck. She was beautiful, her white body juxtaposed with the lovely gold she wore and the cream boots she wore in the snow. I always felt odd thinking such things about a horse, even if she was sapient and more literate than myself, the stigma I'd grown up with was buried deep, and calling her beautiful felt like the final shameful step over the line.

But I did call her beautiful, and I did tell her how it felt. She said she understood, which made it all the worse when I held it in. But beyond the beauty, and something I could say unironically, and something I should say more, she was kind. She was the kindest person I knew, knew of, and could imagine. "Able? Hello? Anypony?" She called, trotting a small circle in place. "I know I--"

The mint green unicorn lit up her horn. "...He's watching us." She looked towards me, smiling wide. "He just swore too."

"God damn it...." I mumbled, slowly pushing up and rising out of the snow. "What...?"

Celestia lifted her leg up, blocking me off from her. "Able...were you just--"

"Yeah...." I wiped the snow off my shoulder. "What did you think I do when you don't see me for a while?"

Celestia looked me up and down. "But...aren't you cold?"

I beat my chest. "Insulated."

Celestia mumbled something into her hoof. "...You never invite me...."

I looked at her, watching as she pulled her scarf over her mouth. "I didn't think you'd want to lay around with me in the snow! You're always curled up around a fire, which is nice, I know, but I like the cold!"

Celestia let out a deep breath, steam floating past her lips as she did. "...You could still have invited me. I would have said no...but you could have invited me." She trampled the snow under her, looking nervous and a bit like I'd caught her burying herself in a cake yet again. "At any rate, you have a guest." She stepped to the side. "Able, this is Lyra, she was the first pony on Earth."

I looked over to the bright amber gold set of eyes staring happily at me. "Hi! Hi there! Hi!" She shouted, prancing in place. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry it took me so long, I've been kinda--"

I turned to Celestia. "I think she's here for you...not me, you'd know more about what happened anyways."

Celestia shook her head. "She asked to see you, not me, not about what happened." She slowly stepped back. "...I'm going to go...it's rather cold out."

I nodded. "You go on inside...I'll be out here."

Celestia smiled and nodded heavily. "Alright, I'll have the bath waiting for us--"

"Just go ahead." I pointed my thumb back at the snow. "I'll be out here a while."

Celestia walked up to me, pressing a hoof against my boot. "I'd appreciate it if you joined me."

I wrapped my arm around Celestia's head, her mane slipping between my fingers. "Celestia...I really--"

"Alright." She stepped back, lifting her head up. "Alright...but you owe me."

I sighed softly, "Sure...."

Celestia smiled at me, "I'll be sure to think of something. Bye." She walked off, snow tossed up by her booted hooves. She wore a certain elegance to her stride, something refined yet playful after all her years. It was something to be envied, given my trauma, such a calm walk would never grace my steps. I was a madman, tamed and dressed up in white. I was a monster, a lunatic, an utter maniac fit only to lounge about and wait for Celestia's word of where to go and how to act. Yet this new mare, this mint green smile with legs, acted like I was some hero, beaming at me, smiling wide as possible.

"...Fuck you." I mumbled, turning towards a small path towards the deeper parts of the Castle grounds.

Lyra chuckled. "I know you don't mean that, but okay, fuck you too!"

I let out an exhausted groan as I walked around the snow covered gardens, "Look...I don't care who you are, or what the hell you can do--"

Lyra walked past me, walking backwards before me. "Long story...but I know what ponies- and griffons and humans and- I can read minds...." She deadpanned, "...I always make it sound a lot less cool than it is, but it is!"

I stopped, watching the unicorn backpedal towards a barren tree. "Tela-something...path? Telapath, that's it."

"Yeah, right!" Lyra chirped, slamming flank first into the tree. "I- oh, oh tree...not in public." She joked, turning around and planting a hoof against the tree, covering her mouth with her free hoof and tail. "Wait until we get inside...."

I looked the dead tree up and down. "Funny...you know what else is funny? I've seen men and women hung from trees just like this. Go ahead, read my mind, I dare you."

Lyra's expression went sour. "I know you're not joking...but you could give me a pity laugh. I mean geez, I'm trying to be nice to you and junk, and you're just being so negative."

I shook my head and walked on. "I am the living incarnation of negativity."

Lyra's horn danced with golden sparks. "Ha...that was a lie. But...why would you lie about that?"

I shook my head. "You can read minds--"

Lyra nodded, walking up to me afterward. "True...but I'd rather not. And aren't you even a little curious about it, I mean, I can see what you're thinking! Isn't that cool!?"

I stared at her. "Since I've been in Equestria, I've died, I've been resurrected, fallen in love, jousted, been sick more times than I can count, went camping a bunch, almost killed some pony, been turned into a pony and have flown around on Celestia's back so many times I've overcome vertigo! Bitch, nothing is going to surprise me anymore!"

Lyra frowned hard, "Celestia's pregnant...."

I froze, my boots just about merging with the snow. "...Well...I guess it finally worked." I mumbled, thinking back to Celestia's other offspring, ponies and hybrids alike. "Not really surprised by that, more relieved."

Lyra smiled, her horn still sparking. "Congratz," she made sure to emphasize the Z she tacked on.

I shrugged. "One more branch to the already massive family tree." I muttered, wiping my mouth. "You ever met her relatives? They're...stuffy. How they came from her I have no idea, but I guess it's about how you raise them more than who the parents are."

Lyra nodded. "Look at Cadance and Blue Blood, you wouldn't think they're related."

"The jackass with the compass and Cadance? Wait...compass ass is related to Celestia?" I turned away, "Well...shit."

"He's alright." Lyra stated, spinning around and following me into the gardens. "Everypony was always so mean to him after the gala incident."

I scoffed. "...That was years ago...how bad was it?"

Lyra frowned hard. "Bad...like, really bad."

"So bad even I heard about it...with my being dead and all...." I patted my gloves hands together. "Seriously...he gets slapped by a mare, called out for being a misogynistic asshole, and suddenly he's Satan."

Lyra shook her head. "The ironic thing is him and Rarity actually--"

"I don't care...." I stated, turning back towards the path. "I met Rarity once...no, twice, and I'm pretty sure she hates me."

Lyra followed me to a pile of snow. "Actually...Rarity doesn't really like humans in general."

I flopped down into the snow, nuzzling deep inside it and pulling my hood up. "You're ease dropping on people's brains? That's fucked up."

Lyra shrugged. "Are you telling me if you spent eight years reading mind, you wouldn't abuse it?"

I scrunched back into the snow, covering up my legs and hiding in the pile. "...No...I'd abuse the fuck out of it."

Lyra smiled wide. "...You wanna have some fun?"

I sighed softly, watching passing ponies go about their day. "...Tell no one." I stood up, digging my hand in my coat pocket and finding a small radio I had. "...Seriously...if you tell anyone not only will I get in trouble, they won't find your body."

Lyra smiled wide. "I knew I'd like you--"

I hurled a small receiver into the snow along the path through the gardens, nearly pegging a servant. "Quiet!" I shouted, grabbing Lyra and pulling her into my coat. "Stay quiet!" I hissed, throwing myself back into the snow with Lyra tucked against my side. "...Just...be quiet."

Lyra snuggled against me, poking her head out of my hood as I zipped my jacket back up. "...Wow...it's so warm." She mumbled, nuzzling my cheek.

"Quiet you." I fished the other part of the radio out, making sure we were mostly hidden before testing the radio out on a passing mare. "...Raaaugh!"

The mare on the path jumped upright and bolted out of the gardens with a shrill squeak. Lyra started snickering like mad, "Oh my gosh, that was so mean!"

I pushed her to her side of the hood. "Hey...what did I say?"

Lyra adjusted her forelegs in my jacket, "Oh be quiet...and is this what you do for fun!? Because this is awesome!"

I let out a long sigh and settled in. "Usually I'm hidden better. I mean, Celestia doesn't like me- Bwah!" I shouted into the radio, causing a guard to buck and flatten out. "...Heh... Celestia doesn't like me doing it, but I have to do something to pass the time."

Lyra watched from our pile of snow. Ponies slowly passing by. "...So what are we doing?"

I turned my head, nose to nose with the chipper mare. "...Read minds...I'll come up with something funny to say."

"Oh...alright.... Sorry."

"You should be." I whispered, watching the path for any stray ponies. "...So...how'd this happen?"

Lyra leaned towards me slightly, her eyes shifting to the corners. "Uh...I stuck my horn in a light socket...when I went to earth. I lost a lot of my spells...but this worked out pretty well."

I stared at the mare from the corner of my eye. "...Why did you do that?"

Lyra smiled wide. "A bet."

I shook my head, forced against Lyra's cheek. "...That's really...really dumb."

Lyra nodded, her minty scented mane scratching my face. "I know right?! But I got like ten dollars!"

I watched the path, ponies suddenly gone from the gardens. "...Well...." Things went quiet as I settled in. "This was...kind of a bust...."

Lyra let out a soft sigh and snuggled closer to me. "I don't know...this is kinda nice, really warm." She mumbled, forcing her right foreleg into my sleeve. "...You're not mad."

"Hmm? Mad...right now? No not really." I muttered, settling in.

Lyra smiled at me. "...You're hugging a pony."

I felt my face go flat, suddenly realizing I had some random pony in my jacket, hiding with me in the snow. "...You shut your fucking mout--"

"About this or I'll bury you on the moon, no one will ever find your body." Lyra jeered, taking the words from my mouth. "...Now tell me how you really feel."

I turned to Lyra, nose to nose with the smiling pony. I stared her eye to eye, slowly letting out a quick fart. Lyra's smile slowly faded. "...That's gross."

"I know, and you're stuck in my jacket."

Lyra's eyes went wide. "Wait, wait wait no! Ach- noooo!" Lyra moaned, trying to crawl out of my jacket.

Things settled down over time. Lyra slowly settling in as I dug into the snow. And as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was enjoying the company. I enjoyed the extra warmth, the feel of someone breathing on me, everything about it was nice. It was everything Celestia couldn't do because of her size, all without the worry of significantly insulting her.

And as I went to sleep, pony curled around me, nuzzled in my jacket, I thought something horrid. I felt calm. Calm enough to ignore the overly chipper pony in my jacket and knock out in the snow like I first intended.

"Aww...." Celestia mumbled, followed by a quick flash breaking up my slumber. "That's adorable."

I snapped my eyes open, the sun down, the snow solidified around my face. "...Wait...Celestia...what?" I looked around, finding Celestia hovering a camera before her face, a warm smile practically melting the snow around me. "...Where am I?"

Celestia covered her face, giggling softly. "Able...aren't you cold?"

I tried to lift myself from the snow. "No...why- wh- what the hell?" I tried to look around, finding a pony in my jacket. "...Celestia...who- oh wait...right...."

"That's so cute...like puppies in a boot." Celestia took another picture, causing me to go temporarily blind. "Or foals in a basket!"

I shook my arms, escaping my half frozen heap. "Give me that!" I shouted, trying to grab the camera and letting Lyra slump deep into my jacket and weight me down. "Damn- damn- come on- god- shit!"

Celestia burst out laughing as Lyra slipped out of my jacket, tripping me and forcing me onto all fours. "Awwww, that's so--"

"Don't!" I shouted, scrambling forward and letting Lyra lay in the snow. "Don't...just don't."

Celestia smiled wide at me. "But it's--"

"I'm not cute." I stated, pulling my hood off and running my fingers through my hair. "...She drooled in my hair...."

Celestia giggled softly, levitating Lyra out of the snow. "Well I'm glad you finally got along with somepony."

I started unzipping my jacket. "I get al--"

"Besides me and Luna." Celestia lowered Lyra into my arms. "One of my subjects."

I sighed heavily, looking around the now empty gardens. "...Whatever. I'm gonna go...put this somewhere." I hoisted Lyra over my shoulder. "...Can I dump her in my quarters?"

"Yes...but you're sleeping with me then." Celestia stated, flapping her wings and trotting towards the castle. "I don't even know why you have your own room."

"It's where I hide the bodies." I stated, completely straight faced. "But yeah...sleeping with you was the idea." I patted the knocked out pony laying across my shoulder. "...Get rid of those pictures please."

Celestia laughed, throwing her head up. "As if! Able, I have literally ten pictures of you, and one of them is rather private."

I grew a bit flustered. "...You and that fucking camera."

"Oh bite me...I like cute things, you can be cute, and you cute is just perfect for me." Celestia stated, walking over and nuzzling my head. "Oh- ...she did drool on you."

"I noticed...."