Beelzeboob: A Comedy of (Element) Bearersby kudzuhaikuChaptersChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 1Beelzeboob had trouble accepting the fact that he was dealing with a talking horse that had wings and a horn. And to top it off, the nag was impossibly arrogant and haughty. She was glaring at him even now, while he did something as harmlessly innocent as picking his nose. Flicking his booger away with an annoyed sneer, he glared at the pony that called herself Princess Celestia. “Look here toots, do I look human to you?” he asked in a leering voice. “Well no, but we have established that,” Celestia replied, looking horrified at the atrocious manners of the thing before her. “We should send it to Tartarus!” Princess Twilight Sparkle shouted in suggestion. “Look lady, I’ve been to both Hell and New Jersey, whatever your Tartarus might be, it doesn’t scare me,” Beelzeboob snarked. “I can’t help what I am, and it was one of you talking horses that brought me here.” “We are ponies,” Princess Celestia gently corrected, trying tact once again. “Ponies who conjure demons,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “So you admit it! Tartarus!” Twilight crowed. “I ain’t no demon either!” Beelzeboob protested. “I didn’t even ask to be here!” “So you are not a human, but you are not a demon. We can establish that you are something in between. You have the hind legs of a goat, the tail of a goat, you have what appeared to be vestigial bat-like wings, and you have horns,” Celestia said as she studied the creature sitting in the chair before her. “You forgot these,” Beelzeboob said helpfully as he held up his hand. He had four fingers and two thumbs, one on each side of his palm. “I wasn’t always like this you know. When I was born, I was normal. I didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t know that I was ‘mixed’ until one day the change started, and then I started getting harassed by a bunch of assholes with wings and bullied by others who looked like me but worse.” “I am unsure of what to do with you,” Celestia stated. “Look, toots, I didn’t want to be here. You don’t have a right to judge me,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “One of your stupid one horned mules thought it would be funny to conjure up a demon and now I am here in this magical place full of talking pastel ponies. He failed to specify which underworld to summon a demon from. I was in Hell, trying to deal with the bureaucracy, and harass my dad for back child support.” Celestia paused and looked very thoughtful for moment, and then her lips moued. She stared at Beelzeboob and cocked her head. “How old are you exactly?” she asked. “I am fifteen years of age lady, geeze, what's it to ya?” Beelzeboob replied. “You seem older,” Celestia argued. “I was in my late twenties when the change happened,” Beelzeboob explained. “And then, BAM! I am small again, a helpless infant who is all grotesque and fucked up beyond belief.” “Language please,” Celestia urged. “Do continue.” “So anyhoos, suddenly I’m an infant again and I am collected by a couple of special child welfare agents. And I am taken to a special orphanage in New Jersey for kids like me. I ran away like most of us do and wandered around. There are more of us than anybody cares to admit. Then I found out about my parentage,” Beelzeboob explained. “Not long after that, I found my father named me as an idiot. Turns out my kind have no choice over our names. If I try to say my name as anything but Beelzeboob, that is the only word that comes out of my mouth.” “Names have power,” Celestia said, showing a bit of pity for the first time. “Look lady, I don’t want your sympathy,” Beelzeboob mumbled. “That may be so, but you have it,” Celestia said gently. “Twilight Sparkle, surely you could show a little sympathy as well.” “Why? Look at him? He’s disgusting!” Twilight snapped. “Twilight Sparkle! For shame!” Celestia scolded. Twilight scowled. It had been a long time since she had been scolded, and she had forgotten how much it stung to have her mentor chastise her. She looked up at Celestia apologetically and made a very foalish “meep” sound. “Man, I could really use a cigarette,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “Whats a cigarette?” Celestia inquired. “It’s a little… oh crap this is worse than Hell. Never mind lady,” Beelzeboob said in annoyance. “If there are things you actually need we can try to help you. Perhaps a gesture of kindness would encourage you to behave a little better,” Celestia offered. “I need a strong drink. Got any booze?” Beelzeboob asked. “Things you need, not things you want,” Celestia said with a wry smile. “DEMONSPAWN! FOUL CREATURE OF THE UNDERWORLD! FIE UPON THEE!” Princess Luna cried as she exploded through the large double doors. She flew through the air, soaring like a majestic blue meteor, her front hooves extended. She struck Beelzeboob with titanic force, instantly gibletising him all over the floor. “Luna how could you?” Celestia asked of her sister, her voice bleeding disappointment in her sibling. “He’s still alive,” Luna whined. “I got carried away… I detected a little evil and I might have overreacted,” she confessed. “Ya think?” Beelzeboob snarled as Twilight Sparkle levitated his head in her telekinesis. “Well, you are still alive!” Luna whimpered. “By the gods functional immortality SUCKS!” Beelzeboob shouted. “I’ve had the same problem,” Celestia said comfortingly as she picked up a wiggling cloven hoof. “You know lady, you might just be my new favourite person. Horse. Pony. Somebody that understands my pain,” Beelzeboob muttered. “To be fair, you look very evil, and once I came through the doors and saw you, it confirmed my suspicions,” Luna whined apologetically. “You bitch! You hit like a city bus!” Beelzeboob growled. “Language!” Celestia snapped. Feeling petty, Luna stomped down upon Beelzeboob’s still twitching tail, which made all of the body parts twitch and caused Beelzeboob to cry out. “Luna! Go to your room!” Celestia commanded. “You’re not my mother!” Luna shouted in reply. “Well right now you are acting like a foal! Now go!” Celestia bellowed in a most unladylike manner. “No!” Luna shouted. “He called me a female dog! I’m a pony!” she whined. “You stepped on my tail you big dumb broad!” Beelzeboob shouted. “I am not broad! Now he is calling me fat!” Luna protested. “THOU ART A LIAR!” “LUNA! ROOM! NOW!” Celestia shouted, now at the end of her patience. “Always giving me time outs sister,” Luna said angrily and then vanished. “How do we put you back together?” Twilight Sparkle inquired. “Just toss everything together in a vaguely Beelzeboob shaped pile and give me a while,” Beelzeboob replied in sarcastic bitter voice. “Does it hurt?” Twilight asked. “Does it hurt… does it hurt… does it hurt? Of course it hurts you festering tit!” Beelzeboob roared. “Oh goddamnit, of all the times this has to happen, I think my ass wants to take a shit!” Twilight Sparkle dropped the head she was holding on the floor and looked disgusted. It landed with a meaty thump and a wet sounding splat, rolled a few feet, and ended up face down upon the floor. “Ow thith hurths,” Beelzeboob protested. “Twilight, how could you?” Celestia said in shock. “How are you not disgusted by him?” Twilight asked. “Oh, I am disgusted by him, but I also pity him,” Celestia replied. “Bith!” Beelzeboob shouted face first into the floor. “One more instance of vulgarity I will allow the royal guard to use your head for hoofball practice,” Celestia threatened. “How about instead of Tartarus we just flush him?” Twilight suggested. “Twilight Sparkle! He is a minor spirit of disharmony! Haven’t you figured it out? He can’t help the effect he has on others! You dimwitted little suckup teachers pet!” Celestia snapped. There was a loud “thud!” and then she covered her mouth with her fetlock and froze, her eyes wide with horror. After a long moment of frozen silence, she turned her head to look at Twilight Sparkle. Her former student had fainted and fallen to the floor. It never got any easier, growing back together after being dismembered. He had been ripped apart a few times, and now he was sitting in the most comfortable chair he had ever sat in during his entire life. He almost felt sorry about his crass behaviour. “I really am sorry that my sister dismembered you,” Celestia said again. “I bring out the worst in people around me, I can’t help it,” Beelzeboob said, the closest the had ever come to a sincere apology. “People always say exactly what they feel about other people when I am around. Total honesty, which is why honesty sucks. Society would fall apart if everybody was honest with one another.” “I do not know if that is true,” Celestia gently argued as she stroked her still comatose former student. “Look lady, no bullshit, you said exactly how you really felt to that purple pain in the ass there,” Beelzeboob stated, his tail twitching and swishing from side to side in cat-like boredom. “You really do believe she is dimwitted, otherwise you wouldn’t have said that. And anypony can tell from looking at her that she is a suckup, a first class suckup.” Celestia scowled and looked guilty. “She is young and inexperienced compared to my thousands of years of wisdom, but I don’t think she is dimwitted,” Celestia retorted, now sounding slightly annoyed again as she looked down at Twilight Sparkle. “I wish I wasn’t this way,” Beelzeboob said sulkily. “Perhaps we can help you… there is a major spirit of disharmony that has been reformed. Maybe we could help you be better, find a way for you to be happy. Maybe have a friend,” Celestia said in hopeful optimistic tones. “I made a nun commit homicide,” Beelzeboob remarked in disheartened tones. “You actually sound regretful,” Celestia said. “Well, I want what everybody else wants… I am not exactly evil you know, you stuck up broad,” Beelzeboob retorted. Celestia raised her eyebrow and sighed. “I am going to help you. As we speak, I am having a very special puppy delivered to us. I think looking after a puppy would be a good start for you. He is named Cerberus the Second. A puppy will love you unconditionally. I hope,” she explained. A genuine smile broke on Beelzeboob’s face. He couldn't remember the last time he had smiled and actually meant it in some worthwhile way. For a brief moment, his sarcasm faded away. “I always wanted a puppy,” he confessed in a small fragile voice. “Ah, there is hope for you yet!” Celestia said, barely able to contain her happiness. The door opened and a very subdued looking Luna slipped into the room. “I have been eavesdropping,” she admitted. “It is quite easy to bring out the worst in me.” “It is rough being the worthless sister that nobody likes,” Beelzeboob stated. Luna curled back her lip in a snarl and made a choking sound. “Inspite of your outbursts, I have decided to help you as well. I will do what I can to find suitable ponies that might enjoy a bit of sarcasm so you can make friends.” “Yeah, least you can do after you turned me into a pile of limbs and a torso. Do you have any idea how hard it is to regrow a penis or how much it hurts?” Beelzeboob snarked. “Um, about that, while we tend go around naked, I do feel that it might be better for you to wear some clothing. You walk upright and your anatomy… is frightening,” Celestia said in a strained voice. “It is prehensile,” Beezleboob bragged. “Just like my tail. I can write my name with both of them,” he said with a suggestive saucy wink. “I can’t control it when it waves hello at people. Just like my tail, it has a mind of its own. Honest!” he added, crossing a clawed finger over his heart. “So we will get you some clothing and right now, I have agents securing you a residence in a place called Ponyville,” Celestia said. “Sister, his genetalia is saucily mocking me. I just know it,” Luna insisted. “Luna, let it rest. It has been waving at me for the past half an hour and trying to get my attention. His urethra even tried moving about like a tiny mouth, opening and closing, mimicking my every word,” Celestia said to her sister. “That’s horrid!” Luna cried. “And yet so mesmerising…” “Well, it is certainly intriguing,” Celestia said. She paused and the corner of her eye twitched. The white pony began to turn pink all over. “I hate you so much right now, Beelzeboob.” Author's Note If there is enough interest in this, I might continue it. Maybe. We shall see. If you liked this, you should feel bad. Chapter 2“So this is it eh?” Beelzeboob said as he looked all around him. It was a small apartment, upstairs, above a shop that sold magical novelties, jokes, and gags. “This is nice. Much better than anything you’d find in Jersey or New York. You know, I want to complain about something, but I really can’t find anything to bitch about,” he said. Princess Celestia sighed, having gave up on correcting Beelzeboob for his profanity. “Your puppy will be delivered soon. I know you will be kind to it. Walk it frequently, give it exercise, and I will have special kibble delivered as well. Which reminds me, what do you eat? This is a question that should have been asked at some point. Are you omnivorous?” Celestia inquired. “Do you eat meat?” “Oh geez lady! What do you take me for? Some kind of horrible monster? Ugh! No I don’t eat meat, that’s disgusting. I grew up on the east coast around very militant moonbat liberals!” Beelzeboob cried as he shivered. “I do eat cheese though. I eat a lotta cheese. I’m told it is because of my infernal nature. Something about my kind likes the corrupted and rotted life giving liquids of another.” “I see,” Celestia sighed, feeling somewhat disgusted, now having a very different opinion about cheese and feeling a bit more repulsed by Beelzeboob. “Mostly, I survived on cheese doodles, microwaved bean and cheese burritos from Seven Eleven, and cigarettes. And oh man am I jonesing for a smoke,” Beelzeboob muttered. “Oh and honey. I love honey. Delicious bee vomit on toast.” “I will have groceries delivered to you for a while. Eventually, you will need to purchase your own. We shall have to find you a job. Secure you a means of employment. Surely you have some skills that will be desirable to somepony,” Celestia said in shuddering horror, mentally swearing to never eat honey again. “I need to go. I need to slip out of Ponyville before dawn. If I am discovered, or I shall be mobbed by my adoring subjects.” “Keee-rist lady you sure are full of yourself,” Beelzeboob grumbled halfheartedly, having trouble saying anything bad. It still tumbled out of his lips anyway and he cringed. “You honestly cannot help it, can you?” Celestia asked. Beelzeboob bit down on his lip and and looked at Celestia pleadingly, not wanting to answer. “Maybe we will find a way to help you. Even Discord, as bad as he was, has found purpose here among us, and he now knows some measure of peace,” Celestia said, looking upon Beelzeboob with pity. “Twilight Sparkle will be by to check on you regularly. I believe she plans to introduce you to her friends,” she added as she headed for the door. “You’re not bad for a talking horse,” Beelzeboob blurted out. Celestia smiled. “You are most welcome. You wanted to say thank you, did you not?” She pulled open the door and there was a small green mare with a raised hoof, ready to knock upon the door. “Oh. Hello. I was going to see what the commotion was,” the green mare said as she looked up at Celestia. “Princess something or other, right?” “Princess Celestia,” Celestia said in a faint tone of annoyance. “Yeah. Whatever. I’m a peasant, you’re a princess, we move in very different social circles, why should I bother remembering you when you are completely unaware that I exist?” the mare inquired. Feeling miffed and looking a bit irked, Celestia lifted her head proudly and looked down at the purple maned and green pelted mare. “And what is your name?” she said in a regal voice. “Elphaba Trot, not that matters to you,” the mare replied in a flat monotone. “I don’t think she’s the least bit impressed by you,” Beelzeboob pointed out in a low whisper. “Aaaaawkward.” “Elphaba Trot, this is Beelzeboob. He could use a friend. Do you think you could show him around a bit?” Celestia said, introducing the two and hoping to secure Beelzeboob an acquaintance. “What is he? Some of kind of winged monkey goat thing?” Elphaba questioned. Beelzeboob fell over onto the floor and roared with laughter. He clutched his sides and guffawed, tears streaming from his eyes, which were squeezed shut. “Miss Trot, he is a visitor to our world. He is a little abrasive but he isn’t bad,” Celestia replied. “Does he have two tails?” Elphaba asked. “Oh bother,” Celestia said, not bothering to turn and look around. “The breeches have failed to contain the beast. I shall have to speak with Rarity perhaps.” “That isn’t a tail,” Elphaba deadpanned. “You sir, have very talented genitalia,” she observed. Beelzeboob was wheezing now as he chortled, banging on the floor with his six fingered fist. “I must go. I shall leave you two to become acquainted,” Celestia said, stepping through the door and brushing past Elphaba, now in a hurry to leave. As she departed, she made the mistake of turning to give a final glance to Beelzeboob. Something waved goodbye to her and she quickly snapped her head around, feeling a hot unwanted blush flooding her cheeks. Elphaba let herself into the apartment, hopped up onto the small sofa, and then studied the weird winged monkey goat thing on the floor, which had composed himself a bit and was now staring up at her. “You’re weird. When the others see you, they are going to panic. Mares will scream and run away from you. They will hide their foals. The weak minded will faint. You should see how they treat the zebra.” “There is a zebra?” Beelzeboob inquired. Elphaba nodded. “There is a zebra. Her name is Zecora. And she makes the ponies freak out because she is basically a pony with stripes.” “Funny, Princess Celestia didn’t mention anything about this. She seemed to think I’d be welcomed here,” Beelzeboob said. The green mare snorted, a sound of equine cynicism. “She literally lives in an ivory tower on top of a mountain, and you took her word for it? What a moron,” Elphaba said in a flat dull voice. “She has no idea what goes on here.” Beelzeboob peered at the little green pony, finding that he liked her a great deal. She wasn’t nearly as annoying as some of the others that he had met so far, like the purple pain in the ass, Twilight Sparkle. “You have a broom on your butt,” Beelzeboob observed. “I am a peasant. I was born to sweep the street. So that is what I do. It’s a living,” Elphaba said in a voice devoid of emotion. “And stop staring at my butt.” “Well, you are naked,” Beelzeboob. “So?” the mare replied. “Nevermind…” Beelzeboob muttered. “I don’t have many friends. I am not very popular,” Elphaba said. “I think the last pony who lived here moved away because of me. Hard to say for sure. I tend to say exactly what I mean and ponies don’t like me for some reason.” “Hey, we have the same problem,” Beelzeboob said, now smiling. “I am also a hermaphrodite, and that scares ponies. Nopony wants anything to do with me, I figured I’d get that right out in the open. So if you want me to go, I’ll leave,” Elphaba offered. “Look lady, I have a prehensile penis with mind of its own… I am the last person to hate on somebody because of problematic penises popping up unexpectedly,” Beelzeboob replied. Elphaba smiled faintly and settled into the couch. “You don’t seem so bad,” she said wryly. “Uh lady, I wouldn’t say that. I bring out the worst in people. And you ponies. Nobody ever likes me for any length of time because I am an insufferable ingrown dick hair,” Beelzeboob said in acerbic tones. Elphaba laughed and then covered her mouth with her hoof. She quickly regained her composure and resumed her flat almost dead expression. “So if I go outside of my door and walk around, what is going to happen?” Beelzeboob inquired, trying to make conversation. “Bedlam. Anarchy. Helter skelter. The ponies are going to take one look at you and freak out. A few might like you though. Discord might like you. He’s a draconequus,” Elphaba answered. “What the hell is a baconequus or whatever it is?” Beelzeboob asked. The green mare snorted once, then twice, and then a third time, looking thoroughly embarrassed with herself for doing so. “Discord is a spirit of chaos and disharmony. He is a mixed up jumble of animal parts. Like you. You two would probably get along. I like Discord and we talk sometimes. He offered to fix me once out of misguided kindness. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t broken.” “You know, this is really weird, but it isn’t often I can just sit down and talk to people. Most people don’t want anything to do with me. You don’t seem bothered by me at all or the vibe I give off. You are already cynical, bitter, and probably hate life as much as I do,” Beelzeboob remarked. “Oh, I don’t hate life. I just resent it a little bit for making me what I am. An ugly green mare with a broomstick on my butt and fear inducing nether regions. Hating life would be overreacting,” Elphaba groused. “See, you understand that being a bitch is a good thing,” Beelzeboob said, raising his hand and extending his index finger to touch his chin. “And I bet you are just as much of a bitch as I am a bastard.” “Maybe,” Elphaba said. “But it isn’t like I go out of my way to be unpleasant. This is just the way I am. I am surrounded by idiots, morons, and cretins that tell me that I need to be happy about life and I should feel fulfilled because I know what my destiny is because I have a broomstick on my butt,” she deadpanned. “I became a bastard because I didn’t have a choice. I was born a bastard. And then, things got complicated because of my father. He made me how I am. How I look. And suddenly through no fault of my own, I am the sworn enemy of some old petty tyrant god named Yahweh who I didn’t think was real in the first place, but boy was I wrong. And I get a bunch of assholes with wings bullying me and telling me that one day they are going to chain me up in some dark hole and bury me away forever. No chance at redemption, no chance at salvation, through no fault of my own, I was born irredeemable. Hey, I wonder if the old hebrew cocksucking bastard can even reach me here…” Beelzeboob ranted. Elphaba shrugged, and there was a soft faint smile on her face. It was a cynical bitter smile, but it lingered. “Being a pony is no better. We get our cutie mark and that’s it. We’re stuck. Some of us are born and we get to become princesses. And then, there are ponies like me who are born with a broom. We have no hope of a good life. We have get to have no great dreams or desires. What you get is what defines you in life. And it all seems terribly random and unfair.” “Life sucks!” Beelzeboob said. “Life really does suck. I am stuck in a land full of pastel ponies that are going to hate me because of how I look and I have to find a job so I can pay my own way.” “That’s going to be difficult,” Elphaba said. “What? Why? Celestia said I’d need to find a job!” Beelzeboob returned. “Again, arrogant pompous windbag, ivory tower. Nopony hires anypony unless they have the right cutie mark for the job and you don’t have a mark. Nopony is going to know what you are good at. By the way, what are you good at?” “Well, I am an accomplished thief and a pickpocket. My tail is really good about fishing things out of people’s pockets as they go by. Damnit, ponies don’t have have pockets!” Beelzeboob shouted, coming to a sudden realisation. “Anything else?” Elphaba asked. “My penis is a kleptomaniac and is constantly pulling things down into my pants if it can reach them,” Beelzeboob replied. “You have a very talented penis. Alas, mine has no such talent. Mine has the remarkable gift of keeping me alone and unloved, scaring away the few ponies I had hoped would look past how I was on the outside. We’re no longer on speaking terms, my penis and I,” Elphaba said in nasal monotone. “Crap. What the fuck am I supposed to do for a job if nobody will hire me because I don’t have a butt picture of purposeful employment? Celestia didn’t say shit about this!” Beelzeboob said in a somewhat panicked voice. “I don’t want to be homeless again… I don’t want to be a vagrant anymore!” “Calm down. I know a pony named Mjölna. She’s been looking for a helper. In a few hours, you and I will go talk to her. Sometimes, for extra bits, I do manual labour for her. She’s a blacksmith,” Elphaba said. “She is also crazy.” “Well shit. I guess I’ll take what I can get. I got a puppy to look after,” Beelzebub muttered. Author's Note Ugh, this is a bad story, and I feel bad for posting it. I feel even worse, because I know where it is going. Don't worry, this will be kinda short. And horrible. Oh Goddess this is going to be horrible. Still not as bad as Cheesy though. Any typos? And if you downvote, please, leave a reason! Feedback is welcomed and appreciated. If you leave a thumbs up, leave a reason. And go see a peesychiatrist. Chapter 3“So, the unicorn that summoned Beelzeboob, has he broke yet?” Celestia asked, talking to her sister after returning to Canterlot. “He is quite mad. Raving in fact. Said he summoned Beelzeboob to save us all,” Luna replied, glad that the annoying half-demon was now gone. “Luna, there have been stranger heroes,” Celestia said, looking very thoughtful. “I suppose you are right. It is much easier to think without him around. Still, the unicorn is quite mad. Says the stars are lining up just right, all the usual predictions of doom and gloom, and that some unspeakable evil is going to be unleashed upon us,” Luna said. “Now that Beelzeboob is gone, I want to speak with the unicorn directly,” Celestia said. “Of course, if you think you can understand his insane ramblings,” Luna answered. “I think Beelzeboob found a friend already. There was a nice little earth pony, she is his neighbor, I hope she is kind to him,” Celestia said, a sunny smile spreading over her lips. “Do you have your agents watching over our guest?” “Of course,” Luna replied. “Do you think if we made a tincture of poison joke leaves, he might develop an aura of harmony?” An earth pony and something stood outside of Mjölna’s smithy. The walk through town had caused quite a panic, and the panic had been doubled when problematic parts of Beelzeboob’s anatomy had peeked out to say hello to passing ponies. A minor stampede had broken out in the open air market. Elphaba had enjoyed every moment of the panic, perhaps even a bit too much. Beelzeboob smoothed back his black hair, stroked his goatee, and then knocked at the door, banging away with his large bony knuckles. He waited, then knocked again. The door opened and a milk chocolate-brown mare stuck her head out. “Hello-oh my goodness!” “Hi Mjölna,” Elphaba greeted. “Hiya Elphie, who is your friend?” Mjölna returned. “This is Beelzeboob. He needs a job,” Elphaba explained in brief. Grinning rakishly, Beelzeboob studied the brown mare. She looked rather manic, at least half crazed, and was completely unafraid of him. “Hi,” Beelzeboob said in his most charismatic voice. “Hmm, I dunno,” Mjölna said, still looking up at Beelzeboob strangely. “Why should I hire you?” “Have anything hot? Or open flames?” Beelzeboob asked with a wink and a nod. “Sure, come in,” Mjölna offered, opening up the door completely and stepping back inside of her shop, never taking her eyes off of Beelzeboob. Looking confident, Beelzeboob strode in, looked around the smithy, saw several irons sitting in the fire, reached down into the glowing embers, grabbed a white hot length of iron, and then picked it up. He held it in his hand calmly, his smile never breaking. “I am an infernal creature, I am utterly immune to fire and heat,” Beelzeboob explained to the dumbfounded earth ponies. “Well I’ll be, that is useful,” Mjölna said, her eyes wide with disbelief. “Consider yourself hired.” “Hmmph. I was worried that this was going to be a problem,” Beelzeboob admitted. “I thought for certain it was going to be a problem,” Elphaba said, looking at Mjölna. Looking bored, Beelzeboob began to juggle several hot irons and a cherry red lump of metal. He whistled as he juggled, his tail occasionally snatching something before it fell, tossing it back up, and keeping quite a number of things flying through the air. “I gotta warn you, I have this whole element of disharmony thing going on, it brings out the worst in people around me. And ponies too.” “Oh… well, I should warn you, ponies think I am crazy. I am not from here! I keep trying to tell these ponies that I used to be a horse, and I carried a big woman known as a valkyrie, and I worked for a god named Odin the Allfather,” Mjölna replied. “He was nice. Kept ravens as pets. Like to feed me carrots and give me mead.” “Hey… I know I guy named Loki that said his father’s name was Odin. Loki was exiled to Jersey. Real pain in the ass, total douchebag that Loki, like to do the whole “hey what’s that on your shirt” thing and then tweak your nose. Loki was something of minor deity. Mostly just a pain in the fuckin’ ass,” Beelzeboob said. “You… you are from my old world?” Mjölna asked. “Maybe,” Beelzeboob replied. “I wasn’t aware that there were other worlds, but here I am. So why are you here?” “I don’t know. I just woke up here with this strange mark on my butt one day,” Mjölna answered. “I got summoned by some creepy unicorn,” Beelzeboob said. “Wait, so she isn’t crazy?” Elphaba interjected. “Hell no, she comes from where I come from. Turns out my old world is full of all kinds of crazy gods and they all lay claim to different people and you are just kinda stuck with the one that claims you. Or some kind of crazy bullshit. I don’t know. I was only just starting to learn about the bigger picture and what was going on,” Beelzeboob explained to Elphaba. “Well, I am sorry for calling you crazy,” Elphaba offered. “Think nothing of it, I am crazy. I used to let a big fat smelly woman that reeked of cheese ride me into battle,” Mjölna said. This is easier than I thought Beelzeboob thought to himself as he looked around his apartment. Three friends already, which is way more than than I ever had on earth when I became what I am. Silver Spanner, Mjölna’s business partner, had been surprisingly good to him. Sarcastic, witty, but good. It had only been a brief meeting, but he would get to know both of them better tomorrow. And, he could bring his puppy they had told him. He wondered where said puppy was. There had been visitors while he had been out. The fridge was full of cheese, the pantry was full of Appleloosan Acre’s brand refried beans, and there was a stack of tortillas in a plastic wrapper on the counter. There were bottles of soda in the fridge, and a few other odds and ends. There was also a pile of coins on the counter, along with a note saying that he would get a weekly allowance for a while to help him adjust. “Hey hey, something is about to be ‘loosan up, and it isn’t my apple,” Beelzeboob said. He looked around his apartment, crestfallen, there was no one there to laugh at his joke. “Assholeloosan,” he muttered, his own punchline falling flat, and he glared at the cans of refried beans reproachfully, faulting them for being a terrible audience. “Aw nuts, I am talking to myself again,” he said to himself in disappointment. Not knowing what else to do, Beelzeboob went outside. He figured that whomever was going to deliver the puppy would be able to find him somehow, he was easy to spot in a crowd. An odd collection of animal parts approached and Beelzeboob watched the figure closely. He had no idea what he was seeing, but it was the only thing around that even remotely resembled himself. The figure was even bipedal. “Ah yes, I’ve heard rumours about you,” the figure said. “You left Twilight Sparkle in quite a state. I must congratulate you. My name is Discord,” he stated, introducing himself. “You seem to be a fairly standard model chaos entity, which is to say not standard at all.” “My name is Beelzeboob,” Beelzeboob said to Discord. “I know,” Discord said. “How is life around the ponies?” “It doesn’t seem so bad,” Beelzeboob answered. “I’d kill for a cigarette though.” The mismatched figured stroked his chin for a moment, his tail lashing from side to side, and finally, a cackle escaped his lips. “You don’t even know, do you?” “Know what? Hey, wait, are you the baconequus I was warned about?” Beelzeboob replied. Discord laughed maniacally for a moment, stared at Beelzeboob, and then literally fell apart from laughter, collapsing into a pile of body parts upon the ground. He snapped his claws and reassembled himself, which made Beelzeboob gape. “Try thinking about what it is you want, I mean, really think about it, and then try snapping your fingers,” Discord said, a manic grin cracking his face. Beelzeboob, not sure what to think, snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. “Hmm, not expected. Wait, you have four fingers and two thumbs. Try double snapping, using two fingers and each thumb, everything all at once,” Discord said, now serious for a moment. Not knowing what to expect, Beelzeboob attempted the complicated action, failing several times, but finally managing a double snap. When he did so, a cigarette appeared, dangling from his lips. “How?” he asked, the cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth. “Magic. Back in your world, you could have done this as well. If you don’t use your magic, it leaks out passively, creates an aura of disharmony, and ponies will have trouble around you. I am still a prankster and a troublemaker, but I must confess, it is nice having friends. I just have to make sure my magic goes out in controlled useful bursts, otherwise, ponies start saying the most awful things about one another around me and fighting. Word of warning. Use your magic wisely, and never, ever, under any circumstance, make my dearest Fluttershy cry. Or there will be trouble between us,” Discord explained, his eyebrow raised in a vaguely threatening manner. “Wait, I wasn’t using any magic earlier and ponies weren’t really fighting around me,” Beelzeboob said, thinking about his time at Mjölna’s smithy. “Perform any feats of impossibility?” Discord inquired. “Feats of what?” Beelzeboob responded. “Feats of impossibility. Something that is but should not be,” Discord answered. “Well, I reached into the fire and started to juggle hot iron bits,” Beelzeboob said, thinking back upon the incident and trying to think of anything he might have done. “That is a feat of impossibility,” Discord stated. “Such a thing takes magic. Which means your magic is focused to a specific task, which means no random chaos all around you.” “So if I stand in a fire burning myself and grabbing hot irons, I could finally have friends?” Beelzeboob asked, his tail forming a question mark behind him. “Friendship really is magic,” Discord said. “These ponies, they need a little chaos. They don’t know it, but what we do defines harmony. Let out your magic in little bursts, try to help them, but be careful about good intentions,” he warned. And with that, Discord snapped his claws and vanished into a cloud of flying stips of bacon, which wiggled and slithered away, squealing and shrieking like bats. Beelzeboob, flummoxed by what he just learned and seen, stared down at his own six fingered hand. “So I can be a bit of a jerk, which is a good thing, but not too much of a jerk. I can be a loveable jerk,” he said to himself. He attempted the complicated snapping gesture again, and then again, until he finally got it, and the cigarette in his mouth vanished. In its place was a lollipop. “Time for a change,” he muttered. “Hey, you there? Beelzeboob?” “Yes?” Beelzeboob replied, staring at the horned pony as it approached. “Special delivery,” the delivery pony replied, holding a basket in a glowing sparkling field. “Please sign,” the pony asked, holding up a clipboard. Beelzeboob signed the paper and the basket was stuffed into his arms. “Good luck,” the pony said, his expression one of fear and worry. The delivery pony turned and ran, not even waiting for a tip, trailing a stream of dust behind him as he hurried away. Feeling a sense of excitement, Beelzeboob lifted away the blanket over the basket, and what he saw made him gasp. Three little heads, and for a moment, he thought he had three puppies. But there was three little heads and one little body. It was small, and hideously adorable, just the right size to be picked up and cuddled. “I have a three headed puppy,” Beelzeboob said to himself, ponies running while screaming from his general vicinity as he lifted the puppy from out of the basket, their cries of terror barely registering in his ears. Three little tongues licked his face and Beelzeboob experienced what could only be described as sheer joy, the feeling of knowing that a puppy likes you, maybe loves you. “You know, this isn’t so bad, I really hope I don’t screw this up.” Author's Note Puppy! Typos? The chaos has been doubled! Beelzeboob really should heed Discord's warning about good intentions.
Chapter 1Beelzeboob had trouble accepting the fact that he was dealing with a talking horse that had wings and a horn. And to top it off, the nag was impossibly arrogant and haughty. She was glaring at him even now, while he did something as harmlessly innocent as picking his nose. Flicking his booger away with an annoyed sneer, he glared at the pony that called herself Princess Celestia. “Look here toots, do I look human to you?” he asked in a leering voice. “Well no, but we have established that,” Celestia replied, looking horrified at the atrocious manners of the thing before her. “We should send it to Tartarus!” Princess Twilight Sparkle shouted in suggestion. “Look lady, I’ve been to both Hell and New Jersey, whatever your Tartarus might be, it doesn’t scare me,” Beelzeboob snarked. “I can’t help what I am, and it was one of you talking horses that brought me here.” “We are ponies,” Princess Celestia gently corrected, trying tact once again. “Ponies who conjure demons,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “So you admit it! Tartarus!” Twilight crowed. “I ain’t no demon either!” Beelzeboob protested. “I didn’t even ask to be here!” “So you are not a human, but you are not a demon. We can establish that you are something in between. You have the hind legs of a goat, the tail of a goat, you have what appeared to be vestigial bat-like wings, and you have horns,” Celestia said as she studied the creature sitting in the chair before her. “You forgot these,” Beelzeboob said helpfully as he held up his hand. He had four fingers and two thumbs, one on each side of his palm. “I wasn’t always like this you know. When I was born, I was normal. I didn’t ask to be this way. I didn’t know that I was ‘mixed’ until one day the change started, and then I started getting harassed by a bunch of assholes with wings and bullied by others who looked like me but worse.” “I am unsure of what to do with you,” Celestia stated. “Look, toots, I didn’t want to be here. You don’t have a right to judge me,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “One of your stupid one horned mules thought it would be funny to conjure up a demon and now I am here in this magical place full of talking pastel ponies. He failed to specify which underworld to summon a demon from. I was in Hell, trying to deal with the bureaucracy, and harass my dad for back child support.” Celestia paused and looked very thoughtful for moment, and then her lips moued. She stared at Beelzeboob and cocked her head. “How old are you exactly?” she asked. “I am fifteen years of age lady, geeze, what's it to ya?” Beelzeboob replied. “You seem older,” Celestia argued. “I was in my late twenties when the change happened,” Beelzeboob explained. “And then, BAM! I am small again, a helpless infant who is all grotesque and fucked up beyond belief.” “Language please,” Celestia urged. “Do continue.” “So anyhoos, suddenly I’m an infant again and I am collected by a couple of special child welfare agents. And I am taken to a special orphanage in New Jersey for kids like me. I ran away like most of us do and wandered around. There are more of us than anybody cares to admit. Then I found out about my parentage,” Beelzeboob explained. “Not long after that, I found my father named me as an idiot. Turns out my kind have no choice over our names. If I try to say my name as anything but Beelzeboob, that is the only word that comes out of my mouth.” “Names have power,” Celestia said, showing a bit of pity for the first time. “Look lady, I don’t want your sympathy,” Beelzeboob mumbled. “That may be so, but you have it,” Celestia said gently. “Twilight Sparkle, surely you could show a little sympathy as well.” “Why? Look at him? He’s disgusting!” Twilight snapped. “Twilight Sparkle! For shame!” Celestia scolded. Twilight scowled. It had been a long time since she had been scolded, and she had forgotten how much it stung to have her mentor chastise her. She looked up at Celestia apologetically and made a very foalish “meep” sound. “Man, I could really use a cigarette,” Beelzeboob grumbled. “Whats a cigarette?” Celestia inquired. “It’s a little… oh crap this is worse than Hell. Never mind lady,” Beelzeboob said in annoyance. “If there are things you actually need we can try to help you. Perhaps a gesture of kindness would encourage you to behave a little better,” Celestia offered. “I need a strong drink. Got any booze?” Beelzeboob asked. “Things you need, not things you want,” Celestia said with a wry smile. “DEMONSPAWN! FOUL CREATURE OF THE UNDERWORLD! FIE UPON THEE!” Princess Luna cried as she exploded through the large double doors. She flew through the air, soaring like a majestic blue meteor, her front hooves extended. She struck Beelzeboob with titanic force, instantly gibletising him all over the floor. “Luna how could you?” Celestia asked of her sister, her voice bleeding disappointment in her sibling. “He’s still alive,” Luna whined. “I got carried away… I detected a little evil and I might have overreacted,” she confessed. “Ya think?” Beelzeboob snarled as Twilight Sparkle levitated his head in her telekinesis. “Well, you are still alive!” Luna whimpered. “By the gods functional immortality SUCKS!” Beelzeboob shouted. “I’ve had the same problem,” Celestia said comfortingly as she picked up a wiggling cloven hoof. “You know lady, you might just be my new favourite person. Horse. Pony. Somebody that understands my pain,” Beelzeboob muttered. “To be fair, you look very evil, and once I came through the doors and saw you, it confirmed my suspicions,” Luna whined apologetically. “You bitch! You hit like a city bus!” Beelzeboob growled. “Language!” Celestia snapped. Feeling petty, Luna stomped down upon Beelzeboob’s still twitching tail, which made all of the body parts twitch and caused Beelzeboob to cry out. “Luna! Go to your room!” Celestia commanded. “You’re not my mother!” Luna shouted in reply. “Well right now you are acting like a foal! Now go!” Celestia bellowed in a most unladylike manner. “No!” Luna shouted. “He called me a female dog! I’m a pony!” she whined. “You stepped on my tail you big dumb broad!” Beelzeboob shouted. “I am not broad! Now he is calling me fat!” Luna protested. “THOU ART A LIAR!” “LUNA! ROOM! NOW!” Celestia shouted, now at the end of her patience. “Always giving me time outs sister,” Luna said angrily and then vanished. “How do we put you back together?” Twilight Sparkle inquired. “Just toss everything together in a vaguely Beelzeboob shaped pile and give me a while,” Beelzeboob replied in sarcastic bitter voice. “Does it hurt?” Twilight asked. “Does it hurt… does it hurt… does it hurt? Of course it hurts you festering tit!” Beelzeboob roared. “Oh goddamnit, of all the times this has to happen, I think my ass wants to take a shit!” Twilight Sparkle dropped the head she was holding on the floor and looked disgusted. It landed with a meaty thump and a wet sounding splat, rolled a few feet, and ended up face down upon the floor. “Ow thith hurths,” Beelzeboob protested. “Twilight, how could you?” Celestia said in shock. “How are you not disgusted by him?” Twilight asked. “Oh, I am disgusted by him, but I also pity him,” Celestia replied. “Bith!” Beelzeboob shouted face first into the floor. “One more instance of vulgarity I will allow the royal guard to use your head for hoofball practice,” Celestia threatened. “How about instead of Tartarus we just flush him?” Twilight suggested. “Twilight Sparkle! He is a minor spirit of disharmony! Haven’t you figured it out? He can’t help the effect he has on others! You dimwitted little suckup teachers pet!” Celestia snapped. There was a loud “thud!” and then she covered her mouth with her fetlock and froze, her eyes wide with horror. After a long moment of frozen silence, she turned her head to look at Twilight Sparkle. Her former student had fainted and fallen to the floor. It never got any easier, growing back together after being dismembered. He had been ripped apart a few times, and now he was sitting in the most comfortable chair he had ever sat in during his entire life. He almost felt sorry about his crass behaviour. “I really am sorry that my sister dismembered you,” Celestia said again. “I bring out the worst in people around me, I can’t help it,” Beelzeboob said, the closest the had ever come to a sincere apology. “People always say exactly what they feel about other people when I am around. Total honesty, which is why honesty sucks. Society would fall apart if everybody was honest with one another.” “I do not know if that is true,” Celestia gently argued as she stroked her still comatose former student. “Look lady, no bullshit, you said exactly how you really felt to that purple pain in the ass there,” Beelzeboob stated, his tail twitching and swishing from side to side in cat-like boredom. “You really do believe she is dimwitted, otherwise you wouldn’t have said that. And anypony can tell from looking at her that she is a suckup, a first class suckup.” Celestia scowled and looked guilty. “She is young and inexperienced compared to my thousands of years of wisdom, but I don’t think she is dimwitted,” Celestia retorted, now sounding slightly annoyed again as she looked down at Twilight Sparkle. “I wish I wasn’t this way,” Beelzeboob said sulkily. “Perhaps we can help you… there is a major spirit of disharmony that has been reformed. Maybe we could help you be better, find a way for you to be happy. Maybe have a friend,” Celestia said in hopeful optimistic tones. “I made a nun commit homicide,” Beelzeboob remarked in disheartened tones. “You actually sound regretful,” Celestia said. “Well, I want what everybody else wants… I am not exactly evil you know, you stuck up broad,” Beelzeboob retorted. Celestia raised her eyebrow and sighed. “I am going to help you. As we speak, I am having a very special puppy delivered to us. I think looking after a puppy would be a good start for you. He is named Cerberus the Second. A puppy will love you unconditionally. I hope,” she explained. A genuine smile broke on Beelzeboob’s face. He couldn't remember the last time he had smiled and actually meant it in some worthwhile way. For a brief moment, his sarcasm faded away. “I always wanted a puppy,” he confessed in a small fragile voice. “Ah, there is hope for you yet!” Celestia said, barely able to contain her happiness. The door opened and a very subdued looking Luna slipped into the room. “I have been eavesdropping,” she admitted. “It is quite easy to bring out the worst in me.” “It is rough being the worthless sister that nobody likes,” Beelzeboob stated. Luna curled back her lip in a snarl and made a choking sound. “Inspite of your outbursts, I have decided to help you as well. I will do what I can to find suitable ponies that might enjoy a bit of sarcasm so you can make friends.” “Yeah, least you can do after you turned me into a pile of limbs and a torso. Do you have any idea how hard it is to regrow a penis or how much it hurts?” Beelzeboob snarked. “Um, about that, while we tend go around naked, I do feel that it might be better for you to wear some clothing. You walk upright and your anatomy… is frightening,” Celestia said in a strained voice. “It is prehensile,” Beezleboob bragged. “Just like my tail. I can write my name with both of them,” he said with a suggestive saucy wink. “I can’t control it when it waves hello at people. Just like my tail, it has a mind of its own. Honest!” he added, crossing a clawed finger over his heart. “So we will get you some clothing and right now, I have agents securing you a residence in a place called Ponyville,” Celestia said. “Sister, his genetalia is saucily mocking me. I just know it,” Luna insisted. “Luna, let it rest. It has been waving at me for the past half an hour and trying to get my attention. His urethra even tried moving about like a tiny mouth, opening and closing, mimicking my every word,” Celestia said to her sister. “That’s horrid!” Luna cried. “And yet so mesmerising…” “Well, it is certainly intriguing,” Celestia said. She paused and the corner of her eye twitched. The white pony began to turn pink all over. “I hate you so much right now, Beelzeboob.” Author's Note If there is enough interest in this, I might continue it. Maybe. We shall see. If you liked this, you should feel bad.
Chapter 2“So this is it eh?” Beelzeboob said as he looked all around him. It was a small apartment, upstairs, above a shop that sold magical novelties, jokes, and gags. “This is nice. Much better than anything you’d find in Jersey or New York. You know, I want to complain about something, but I really can’t find anything to bitch about,” he said. Princess Celestia sighed, having gave up on correcting Beelzeboob for his profanity. “Your puppy will be delivered soon. I know you will be kind to it. Walk it frequently, give it exercise, and I will have special kibble delivered as well. Which reminds me, what do you eat? This is a question that should have been asked at some point. Are you omnivorous?” Celestia inquired. “Do you eat meat?” “Oh geez lady! What do you take me for? Some kind of horrible monster? Ugh! No I don’t eat meat, that’s disgusting. I grew up on the east coast around very militant moonbat liberals!” Beelzeboob cried as he shivered. “I do eat cheese though. I eat a lotta cheese. I’m told it is because of my infernal nature. Something about my kind likes the corrupted and rotted life giving liquids of another.” “I see,” Celestia sighed, feeling somewhat disgusted, now having a very different opinion about cheese and feeling a bit more repulsed by Beelzeboob. “Mostly, I survived on cheese doodles, microwaved bean and cheese burritos from Seven Eleven, and cigarettes. And oh man am I jonesing for a smoke,” Beelzeboob muttered. “Oh and honey. I love honey. Delicious bee vomit on toast.” “I will have groceries delivered to you for a while. Eventually, you will need to purchase your own. We shall have to find you a job. Secure you a means of employment. Surely you have some skills that will be desirable to somepony,” Celestia said in shuddering horror, mentally swearing to never eat honey again. “I need to go. I need to slip out of Ponyville before dawn. If I am discovered, or I shall be mobbed by my adoring subjects.” “Keee-rist lady you sure are full of yourself,” Beelzeboob grumbled halfheartedly, having trouble saying anything bad. It still tumbled out of his lips anyway and he cringed. “You honestly cannot help it, can you?” Celestia asked. Beelzeboob bit down on his lip and and looked at Celestia pleadingly, not wanting to answer. “Maybe we will find a way to help you. Even Discord, as bad as he was, has found purpose here among us, and he now knows some measure of peace,” Celestia said, looking upon Beelzeboob with pity. “Twilight Sparkle will be by to check on you regularly. I believe she plans to introduce you to her friends,” she added as she headed for the door. “You’re not bad for a talking horse,” Beelzeboob blurted out. Celestia smiled. “You are most welcome. You wanted to say thank you, did you not?” She pulled open the door and there was a small green mare with a raised hoof, ready to knock upon the door. “Oh. Hello. I was going to see what the commotion was,” the green mare said as she looked up at Celestia. “Princess something or other, right?” “Princess Celestia,” Celestia said in a faint tone of annoyance. “Yeah. Whatever. I’m a peasant, you’re a princess, we move in very different social circles, why should I bother remembering you when you are completely unaware that I exist?” the mare inquired. Feeling miffed and looking a bit irked, Celestia lifted her head proudly and looked down at the purple maned and green pelted mare. “And what is your name?” she said in a regal voice. “Elphaba Trot, not that matters to you,” the mare replied in a flat monotone. “I don’t think she’s the least bit impressed by you,” Beelzeboob pointed out in a low whisper. “Aaaaawkward.” “Elphaba Trot, this is Beelzeboob. He could use a friend. Do you think you could show him around a bit?” Celestia said, introducing the two and hoping to secure Beelzeboob an acquaintance. “What is he? Some of kind of winged monkey goat thing?” Elphaba questioned. Beelzeboob fell over onto the floor and roared with laughter. He clutched his sides and guffawed, tears streaming from his eyes, which were squeezed shut. “Miss Trot, he is a visitor to our world. He is a little abrasive but he isn’t bad,” Celestia replied. “Does he have two tails?” Elphaba asked. “Oh bother,” Celestia said, not bothering to turn and look around. “The breeches have failed to contain the beast. I shall have to speak with Rarity perhaps.” “That isn’t a tail,” Elphaba deadpanned. “You sir, have very talented genitalia,” she observed. Beelzeboob was wheezing now as he chortled, banging on the floor with his six fingered fist. “I must go. I shall leave you two to become acquainted,” Celestia said, stepping through the door and brushing past Elphaba, now in a hurry to leave. As she departed, she made the mistake of turning to give a final glance to Beelzeboob. Something waved goodbye to her and she quickly snapped her head around, feeling a hot unwanted blush flooding her cheeks. Elphaba let herself into the apartment, hopped up onto the small sofa, and then studied the weird winged monkey goat thing on the floor, which had composed himself a bit and was now staring up at her. “You’re weird. When the others see you, they are going to panic. Mares will scream and run away from you. They will hide their foals. The weak minded will faint. You should see how they treat the zebra.” “There is a zebra?” Beelzeboob inquired. Elphaba nodded. “There is a zebra. Her name is Zecora. And she makes the ponies freak out because she is basically a pony with stripes.” “Funny, Princess Celestia didn’t mention anything about this. She seemed to think I’d be welcomed here,” Beelzeboob said. The green mare snorted, a sound of equine cynicism. “She literally lives in an ivory tower on top of a mountain, and you took her word for it? What a moron,” Elphaba said in a flat dull voice. “She has no idea what goes on here.” Beelzeboob peered at the little green pony, finding that he liked her a great deal. She wasn’t nearly as annoying as some of the others that he had met so far, like the purple pain in the ass, Twilight Sparkle. “You have a broom on your butt,” Beelzeboob observed. “I am a peasant. I was born to sweep the street. So that is what I do. It’s a living,” Elphaba said in a voice devoid of emotion. “And stop staring at my butt.” “Well, you are naked,” Beelzeboob. “So?” the mare replied. “Nevermind…” Beelzeboob muttered. “I don’t have many friends. I am not very popular,” Elphaba said. “I think the last pony who lived here moved away because of me. Hard to say for sure. I tend to say exactly what I mean and ponies don’t like me for some reason.” “Hey, we have the same problem,” Beelzeboob said, now smiling. “I am also a hermaphrodite, and that scares ponies. Nopony wants anything to do with me, I figured I’d get that right out in the open. So if you want me to go, I’ll leave,” Elphaba offered. “Look lady, I have a prehensile penis with mind of its own… I am the last person to hate on somebody because of problematic penises popping up unexpectedly,” Beelzeboob replied. Elphaba smiled faintly and settled into the couch. “You don’t seem so bad,” she said wryly. “Uh lady, I wouldn’t say that. I bring out the worst in people. And you ponies. Nobody ever likes me for any length of time because I am an insufferable ingrown dick hair,” Beelzeboob said in acerbic tones. Elphaba laughed and then covered her mouth with her hoof. She quickly regained her composure and resumed her flat almost dead expression. “So if I go outside of my door and walk around, what is going to happen?” Beelzeboob inquired, trying to make conversation. “Bedlam. Anarchy. Helter skelter. The ponies are going to take one look at you and freak out. A few might like you though. Discord might like you. He’s a draconequus,” Elphaba answered. “What the hell is a baconequus or whatever it is?” Beelzeboob asked. The green mare snorted once, then twice, and then a third time, looking thoroughly embarrassed with herself for doing so. “Discord is a spirit of chaos and disharmony. He is a mixed up jumble of animal parts. Like you. You two would probably get along. I like Discord and we talk sometimes. He offered to fix me once out of misguided kindness. I had to explain to him that I wasn’t broken.” “You know, this is really weird, but it isn’t often I can just sit down and talk to people. Most people don’t want anything to do with me. You don’t seem bothered by me at all or the vibe I give off. You are already cynical, bitter, and probably hate life as much as I do,” Beelzeboob remarked. “Oh, I don’t hate life. I just resent it a little bit for making me what I am. An ugly green mare with a broomstick on my butt and fear inducing nether regions. Hating life would be overreacting,” Elphaba groused. “See, you understand that being a bitch is a good thing,” Beelzeboob said, raising his hand and extending his index finger to touch his chin. “And I bet you are just as much of a bitch as I am a bastard.” “Maybe,” Elphaba said. “But it isn’t like I go out of my way to be unpleasant. This is just the way I am. I am surrounded by idiots, morons, and cretins that tell me that I need to be happy about life and I should feel fulfilled because I know what my destiny is because I have a broomstick on my butt,” she deadpanned. “I became a bastard because I didn’t have a choice. I was born a bastard. And then, things got complicated because of my father. He made me how I am. How I look. And suddenly through no fault of my own, I am the sworn enemy of some old petty tyrant god named Yahweh who I didn’t think was real in the first place, but boy was I wrong. And I get a bunch of assholes with wings bullying me and telling me that one day they are going to chain me up in some dark hole and bury me away forever. No chance at redemption, no chance at salvation, through no fault of my own, I was born irredeemable. Hey, I wonder if the old hebrew cocksucking bastard can even reach me here…” Beelzeboob ranted. Elphaba shrugged, and there was a soft faint smile on her face. It was a cynical bitter smile, but it lingered. “Being a pony is no better. We get our cutie mark and that’s it. We’re stuck. Some of us are born and we get to become princesses. And then, there are ponies like me who are born with a broom. We have no hope of a good life. We have get to have no great dreams or desires. What you get is what defines you in life. And it all seems terribly random and unfair.” “Life sucks!” Beelzeboob said. “Life really does suck. I am stuck in a land full of pastel ponies that are going to hate me because of how I look and I have to find a job so I can pay my own way.” “That’s going to be difficult,” Elphaba said. “What? Why? Celestia said I’d need to find a job!” Beelzeboob returned. “Again, arrogant pompous windbag, ivory tower. Nopony hires anypony unless they have the right cutie mark for the job and you don’t have a mark. Nopony is going to know what you are good at. By the way, what are you good at?” “Well, I am an accomplished thief and a pickpocket. My tail is really good about fishing things out of people’s pockets as they go by. Damnit, ponies don’t have have pockets!” Beelzeboob shouted, coming to a sudden realisation. “Anything else?” Elphaba asked. “My penis is a kleptomaniac and is constantly pulling things down into my pants if it can reach them,” Beelzeboob replied. “You have a very talented penis. Alas, mine has no such talent. Mine has the remarkable gift of keeping me alone and unloved, scaring away the few ponies I had hoped would look past how I was on the outside. We’re no longer on speaking terms, my penis and I,” Elphaba said in nasal monotone. “Crap. What the fuck am I supposed to do for a job if nobody will hire me because I don’t have a butt picture of purposeful employment? Celestia didn’t say shit about this!” Beelzeboob said in a somewhat panicked voice. “I don’t want to be homeless again… I don’t want to be a vagrant anymore!” “Calm down. I know a pony named Mjölna. She’s been looking for a helper. In a few hours, you and I will go talk to her. Sometimes, for extra bits, I do manual labour for her. She’s a blacksmith,” Elphaba said. “She is also crazy.” “Well shit. I guess I’ll take what I can get. I got a puppy to look after,” Beelzebub muttered. Author's Note Ugh, this is a bad story, and I feel bad for posting it. I feel even worse, because I know where it is going. Don't worry, this will be kinda short. And horrible. Oh Goddess this is going to be horrible. Still not as bad as Cheesy though. Any typos? And if you downvote, please, leave a reason! Feedback is welcomed and appreciated. If you leave a thumbs up, leave a reason. And go see a peesychiatrist.
Chapter 3“So, the unicorn that summoned Beelzeboob, has he broke yet?” Celestia asked, talking to her sister after returning to Canterlot. “He is quite mad. Raving in fact. Said he summoned Beelzeboob to save us all,” Luna replied, glad that the annoying half-demon was now gone. “Luna, there have been stranger heroes,” Celestia said, looking very thoughtful. “I suppose you are right. It is much easier to think without him around. Still, the unicorn is quite mad. Says the stars are lining up just right, all the usual predictions of doom and gloom, and that some unspeakable evil is going to be unleashed upon us,” Luna said. “Now that Beelzeboob is gone, I want to speak with the unicorn directly,” Celestia said. “Of course, if you think you can understand his insane ramblings,” Luna answered. “I think Beelzeboob found a friend already. There was a nice little earth pony, she is his neighbor, I hope she is kind to him,” Celestia said, a sunny smile spreading over her lips. “Do you have your agents watching over our guest?” “Of course,” Luna replied. “Do you think if we made a tincture of poison joke leaves, he might develop an aura of harmony?” An earth pony and something stood outside of Mjölna’s smithy. The walk through town had caused quite a panic, and the panic had been doubled when problematic parts of Beelzeboob’s anatomy had peeked out to say hello to passing ponies. A minor stampede had broken out in the open air market. Elphaba had enjoyed every moment of the panic, perhaps even a bit too much. Beelzeboob smoothed back his black hair, stroked his goatee, and then knocked at the door, banging away with his large bony knuckles. He waited, then knocked again. The door opened and a milk chocolate-brown mare stuck her head out. “Hello-oh my goodness!” “Hi Mjölna,” Elphaba greeted. “Hiya Elphie, who is your friend?” Mjölna returned. “This is Beelzeboob. He needs a job,” Elphaba explained in brief. Grinning rakishly, Beelzeboob studied the brown mare. She looked rather manic, at least half crazed, and was completely unafraid of him. “Hi,” Beelzeboob said in his most charismatic voice. “Hmm, I dunno,” Mjölna said, still looking up at Beelzeboob strangely. “Why should I hire you?” “Have anything hot? Or open flames?” Beelzeboob asked with a wink and a nod. “Sure, come in,” Mjölna offered, opening up the door completely and stepping back inside of her shop, never taking her eyes off of Beelzeboob. Looking confident, Beelzeboob strode in, looked around the smithy, saw several irons sitting in the fire, reached down into the glowing embers, grabbed a white hot length of iron, and then picked it up. He held it in his hand calmly, his smile never breaking. “I am an infernal creature, I am utterly immune to fire and heat,” Beelzeboob explained to the dumbfounded earth ponies. “Well I’ll be, that is useful,” Mjölna said, her eyes wide with disbelief. “Consider yourself hired.” “Hmmph. I was worried that this was going to be a problem,” Beelzeboob admitted. “I thought for certain it was going to be a problem,” Elphaba said, looking at Mjölna. Looking bored, Beelzeboob began to juggle several hot irons and a cherry red lump of metal. He whistled as he juggled, his tail occasionally snatching something before it fell, tossing it back up, and keeping quite a number of things flying through the air. “I gotta warn you, I have this whole element of disharmony thing going on, it brings out the worst in people around me. And ponies too.” “Oh… well, I should warn you, ponies think I am crazy. I am not from here! I keep trying to tell these ponies that I used to be a horse, and I carried a big woman known as a valkyrie, and I worked for a god named Odin the Allfather,” Mjölna replied. “He was nice. Kept ravens as pets. Like to feed me carrots and give me mead.” “Hey… I know I guy named Loki that said his father’s name was Odin. Loki was exiled to Jersey. Real pain in the ass, total douchebag that Loki, like to do the whole “hey what’s that on your shirt” thing and then tweak your nose. Loki was something of minor deity. Mostly just a pain in the fuckin’ ass,” Beelzeboob said. “You… you are from my old world?” Mjölna asked. “Maybe,” Beelzeboob replied. “I wasn’t aware that there were other worlds, but here I am. So why are you here?” “I don’t know. I just woke up here with this strange mark on my butt one day,” Mjölna answered. “I got summoned by some creepy unicorn,” Beelzeboob said. “Wait, so she isn’t crazy?” Elphaba interjected. “Hell no, she comes from where I come from. Turns out my old world is full of all kinds of crazy gods and they all lay claim to different people and you are just kinda stuck with the one that claims you. Or some kind of crazy bullshit. I don’t know. I was only just starting to learn about the bigger picture and what was going on,” Beelzeboob explained to Elphaba. “Well, I am sorry for calling you crazy,” Elphaba offered. “Think nothing of it, I am crazy. I used to let a big fat smelly woman that reeked of cheese ride me into battle,” Mjölna said. This is easier than I thought Beelzeboob thought to himself as he looked around his apartment. Three friends already, which is way more than than I ever had on earth when I became what I am. Silver Spanner, Mjölna’s business partner, had been surprisingly good to him. Sarcastic, witty, but good. It had only been a brief meeting, but he would get to know both of them better tomorrow. And, he could bring his puppy they had told him. He wondered where said puppy was. There had been visitors while he had been out. The fridge was full of cheese, the pantry was full of Appleloosan Acre’s brand refried beans, and there was a stack of tortillas in a plastic wrapper on the counter. There were bottles of soda in the fridge, and a few other odds and ends. There was also a pile of coins on the counter, along with a note saying that he would get a weekly allowance for a while to help him adjust. “Hey hey, something is about to be ‘loosan up, and it isn’t my apple,” Beelzeboob said. He looked around his apartment, crestfallen, there was no one there to laugh at his joke. “Assholeloosan,” he muttered, his own punchline falling flat, and he glared at the cans of refried beans reproachfully, faulting them for being a terrible audience. “Aw nuts, I am talking to myself again,” he said to himself in disappointment. Not knowing what else to do, Beelzeboob went outside. He figured that whomever was going to deliver the puppy would be able to find him somehow, he was easy to spot in a crowd. An odd collection of animal parts approached and Beelzeboob watched the figure closely. He had no idea what he was seeing, but it was the only thing around that even remotely resembled himself. The figure was even bipedal. “Ah yes, I’ve heard rumours about you,” the figure said. “You left Twilight Sparkle in quite a state. I must congratulate you. My name is Discord,” he stated, introducing himself. “You seem to be a fairly standard model chaos entity, which is to say not standard at all.” “My name is Beelzeboob,” Beelzeboob said to Discord. “I know,” Discord said. “How is life around the ponies?” “It doesn’t seem so bad,” Beelzeboob answered. “I’d kill for a cigarette though.” The mismatched figured stroked his chin for a moment, his tail lashing from side to side, and finally, a cackle escaped his lips. “You don’t even know, do you?” “Know what? Hey, wait, are you the baconequus I was warned about?” Beelzeboob replied. Discord laughed maniacally for a moment, stared at Beelzeboob, and then literally fell apart from laughter, collapsing into a pile of body parts upon the ground. He snapped his claws and reassembled himself, which made Beelzeboob gape. “Try thinking about what it is you want, I mean, really think about it, and then try snapping your fingers,” Discord said, a manic grin cracking his face. Beelzeboob, not sure what to think, snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. “Hmm, not expected. Wait, you have four fingers and two thumbs. Try double snapping, using two fingers and each thumb, everything all at once,” Discord said, now serious for a moment. Not knowing what to expect, Beelzeboob attempted the complicated action, failing several times, but finally managing a double snap. When he did so, a cigarette appeared, dangling from his lips. “How?” he asked, the cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth. “Magic. Back in your world, you could have done this as well. If you don’t use your magic, it leaks out passively, creates an aura of disharmony, and ponies will have trouble around you. I am still a prankster and a troublemaker, but I must confess, it is nice having friends. I just have to make sure my magic goes out in controlled useful bursts, otherwise, ponies start saying the most awful things about one another around me and fighting. Word of warning. Use your magic wisely, and never, ever, under any circumstance, make my dearest Fluttershy cry. Or there will be trouble between us,” Discord explained, his eyebrow raised in a vaguely threatening manner. “Wait, I wasn’t using any magic earlier and ponies weren’t really fighting around me,” Beelzeboob said, thinking about his time at Mjölna’s smithy. “Perform any feats of impossibility?” Discord inquired. “Feats of what?” Beelzeboob responded. “Feats of impossibility. Something that is but should not be,” Discord answered. “Well, I reached into the fire and started to juggle hot iron bits,” Beelzeboob said, thinking back upon the incident and trying to think of anything he might have done. “That is a feat of impossibility,” Discord stated. “Such a thing takes magic. Which means your magic is focused to a specific task, which means no random chaos all around you.” “So if I stand in a fire burning myself and grabbing hot irons, I could finally have friends?” Beelzeboob asked, his tail forming a question mark behind him. “Friendship really is magic,” Discord said. “These ponies, they need a little chaos. They don’t know it, but what we do defines harmony. Let out your magic in little bursts, try to help them, but be careful about good intentions,” he warned. And with that, Discord snapped his claws and vanished into a cloud of flying stips of bacon, which wiggled and slithered away, squealing and shrieking like bats. Beelzeboob, flummoxed by what he just learned and seen, stared down at his own six fingered hand. “So I can be a bit of a jerk, which is a good thing, but not too much of a jerk. I can be a loveable jerk,” he said to himself. He attempted the complicated snapping gesture again, and then again, until he finally got it, and the cigarette in his mouth vanished. In its place was a lollipop. “Time for a change,” he muttered. “Hey, you there? Beelzeboob?” “Yes?” Beelzeboob replied, staring at the horned pony as it approached. “Special delivery,” the delivery pony replied, holding a basket in a glowing sparkling field. “Please sign,” the pony asked, holding up a clipboard. Beelzeboob signed the paper and the basket was stuffed into his arms. “Good luck,” the pony said, his expression one of fear and worry. The delivery pony turned and ran, not even waiting for a tip, trailing a stream of dust behind him as he hurried away. Feeling a sense of excitement, Beelzeboob lifted away the blanket over the basket, and what he saw made him gasp. Three little heads, and for a moment, he thought he had three puppies. But there was three little heads and one little body. It was small, and hideously adorable, just the right size to be picked up and cuddled. “I have a three headed puppy,” Beelzeboob said to himself, ponies running while screaming from his general vicinity as he lifted the puppy from out of the basket, their cries of terror barely registering in his ears. Three little tongues licked his face and Beelzeboob experienced what could only be described as sheer joy, the feeling of knowing that a puppy likes you, maybe loves you. “You know, this isn’t so bad, I really hope I don’t screw this up.” Author's Note Puppy! Typos? The chaos has been doubled! Beelzeboob really should heed Discord's warning about good intentions.
