Uncle Nic-fit's Drunken Story Time

by Nic-Fit

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Octavia
Length: 6617

Stories thought of and written while drunk. These are all really awful.

Gather 'round, children! It's time for kindly Uncle Nic-fit's story time! And he's drunk!

A series of one-shots, short stories, scenes, and super short stories conceived and written while drunk. Un-edited and not proof read or spell checked, so you get the story as it was written for the full experience.

Strap in, y'all!

NEW CHAPTER PROBABLY THE MORNING AFTER WHENEVER I'VE BEEN DRUNK!
THESE WILL PROBABLY BE REALLY REALLY AWFUL!

Teen because I have no idea what I'll write.
Might bump up to mature if it calls for it later.

I'm so, so sorry ~ Nic-fit

Published 2014-09-05 07:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-23 17:57:44 UTC

3: Junglist Movement

JUNGLIST MOVEMENT

"Dear Twilight Sparkle,

We cordially invite thee to a gathering tonight within the confines of the Everfree Forest. Do not fear, for it is in a safe and well documented clearing along the main path through the forest. We have attached a map to this letter so that you may find your way.

We would be delighted if you could attend.

Princess Luna

Twilight had been following Luna's map for almost an hour now, having passed the same stump more than once. As the map instructed. Off in the distance she could hear a rythmic...something.

Disregarding th map, she decided to just follow her ears.

Half an hour later, and Twiligth was getting closer.The rythm seemed much louder now, and she could even see some lights juuuust further aliong.

Trotting over some uneven ground, Twilight tripped and stumbled face first through a shrub. When she opened her eyes, she was confronted with a stange glowing...bar.

Lifting her head out of the bush, she found another. And another. They seemed to make a trail, and being the curios mare that she is, Twilight decided to follow.

Five minutes later, she was confronted by dense shrubbery. She pushed through it, the beats growing louder than ever.

Reaching the other side, Twilight's mouth hung open as she took in the scene arounf her.

Humans.
Lots and lots of humans.

And they were all 'dancing' to the beat, covered in the glowing sticks and putting odd little things in their mouths.. She noticed that way off behind all the humans was DJ PON3, spinning the recordsp presumably containg the repetitive beats that the humans seemed to love so much,

"Sparkle! So glad you could join us!"

Twilight turned around to confront the farmilair voice. There, covered in glowing sticks and an odd, swily multi coloured shirt with a smiley face on it was Princesss Luna.

"This is 'wicked', is it not? And the beats are 'huge'!"

"Princess Luna? Whats happening here?"

"'Tis a 'rave', young Sprakle. The humans apparently love them, so I decied to host one myself, witha little help from Miss PON3 over there."

"But what is-"

"Bangin' ent it?" Interupted Luna.

"Uh, yes, but what is-"

"Here, have an 'E'!"

Luna shoved a small...thing into Twilight's mouth.

"Come, let us rave!"

Luna took them into the croud where the humans were dancing. After about half an hour (maybe more, maybe less, she couldn;t tell) Twilight began to feel a distinct feeling of euphoria. Most likely from the thing Luna had given her.

"Luuuuuna, what was-"

Twilight was interupted by a sudden wailing sound, accompanied by blue flashing lights. Out of the shrubbery, a 'car' (as she remembered) had come into the 'rave' site, several more following it.

"AH! 'TIS THE FUZZ! WE MUST FLEE!"

With that, Luna spread her wings and flew off. Very soon after many of the humans began to flee. More humans came out of the cars, these ones in official looking uniforms. Now even PON-3 was running, leaving the current song playing. I twas mostly repepetive beats. Now Twilight was the only one NOT running. The uniformed humeans came and cuffed her, putting her in the back of oe of the cars.

"...And thats how come Twilight is in a human jail for hosting an illegal rave and for posetion of drugs." Finished Luna.

"And you're certain they can;t link it back to you? Inquired Celestia.

"Yes."

"Sweet. Lets go get pissed."

"Seesssioooooon." Blared Luna.

And so the moral is that you should never let your friends host an illegal rave because it'll probably just get you in trouble.

Just trust me on this one.

Author's Note

'Pissed' = UK slang for drunk.

4: The Life I Chose

THE LIFE I CHOSE

I was sat by myself in a booth of th nightclub. My friends had roped me into coming along becauus it would be 'fun'. This wan't my kind of 'fun', infact, I hated stuff like this, but played along because my friends had asked nicely. Of course now they had wondered off to Celestia knows where, leaving me alone.

I casually sipped on my wine, attempting to block out the blaring music that I hated so. Out of the corner of my eye i saw an obviuosly intoxicated stallion making his way over to me. I sighed nd closed my eyes.

"Hey there pretty mare! Want to dance?"

I close my eyes tighter and grit my teeth.

"No." I force out.

He sits down next to me. I'm now almost seething with rage.

"Oh, okay. What type of music do you like then?"

I calm down a little upon hearing the question, since music is my passion in life.

"I'm into Lowercase and Post-Minimalist Dungeon Synth."

"Thats...cool I guess. I really like DJ PON-3."

I look him straight in the eye and throw my wine over him. At this point I am shaking in anger. I get up from the boooth and gallop outside. All around me I can hear ponies lauhging and having fun, its awful. I manage to flag down a taxi cart to have him take me home.

"So, wheere is it that youre from?"

Oh Celestia, he's trying to talk to me. And he has a weird accent!

"II havn ot seen you around here before, I work this route veeeeeery often, and-"

"PLEASE STOP TALKING" I blurt out.

He shoots me an annoyed and confuse face, but keeps pulling the cart, this time in silnece. After aboit 10 minutes we've reached my house. I throw a bunch of bits at him and run as fast as i can into my house, slamming the door behind me. I go up to my room and switch on my cassette player. I pull out my tape of ambient field recordings of foal's hospital wards in the 80s, and let it washes away the contact I had with the uncultured scum outside, laying on my bed and hugging my cello as it did.

I go to hang upmy jacket, but suddenly realise that I don't have it with me. I must have left it in the club or the cab. I'd have to go back to get it.

No. I wont go back out. I don't need it. All it would mean is that I woudl have to spend longer out there with those mouth breathers. I sigh at the loss of my jacket, looking out of my window.

"This is the life I chose" I tell my self.

This was the cost of being better than everypony else.

"This is the life I chose..."

As we can clearly see, Octavia has very poor social skills

Author's Note

THATS RIGHT FOLKS! SINCE I'M AWAKE I'M POSTING STUFF EARLY!

I got drunk at home rather than out since none of my friends wanted to go out and I wasn't going to just stand around awkward;y by myself. Because of this I had time to do stuff more.

6: Nice Trip

NICE TRIP

Ditzy was about halfway through her mail deliveing. She was just about to post a hooffull of letters throught eh postbox of the sugarcube corner when she tripped up on a stone she didn't see.

"NICE ONE, YOU WONKY EYED FUCK!" Came a shout.

"FUCK OFF, DAD!" Retorted Ditzy.

Her dad was a proper shit head sometimes.

Author's Note

What!? Three updates!?

Okay, more like two and a bit, whatever.

7: Aero Zeppelin

AERO ZEPPELIN

Spike was returning abck to the crystal palce after running an erand for Rarity. He'd basically jump off a bridge if she told him to, so it was no big suprise to anypony.

He was waddling back home (because he has fuggen tiny tiny legs) feeling pretty good about himself. Until he reached home, that is.
Or rather, the absence of home.

There was nothing there. The was a huge void and a load of torn up dirt where the knowlage fortress used to be. Twilight was standing right in the middle of this void.

"Twilight, hweres the house?" He asked in alarm.

"I sold it, Spike!" Replied Twilight,

"Sold it?"

"There was this huuuuuuge dfragon. He said he was 'reet hungry' so I sold the palace to him!"

"What? Why?"

"TO BUY THIS!" Twilight spun around, gesturing the the enrourmous balloon now floating above where their home used to be.

"T-Twilight, what is-"

"I BOUGHT A FUCKING BLIMP, SPIKE!"

"B-b-b-ut-"

"COME NOW! WE SHALL TRAVEL THE WORLD!"

Twilight teleported them both to the lounge area of the blimp. Spike vomited in the confusinon, but it was quickly cleaned up. The airshipwas fully staffed with ponies ready to serve,

"Welcome abourd Miss Sparkle, shall I inform the captian of our destination?"

"Hmm....we're going to go to....go to......FUCKING EVERYWHERE!"

"Very good madame."

The servant pony left, walking off down a long corridor. ASbout 5 minutes later, the airship lurched forwards, finally setting off for it's destionation of every single place on the planet.

"THE THINGS WE SHALL SEE, SPIKE!" Twilight wrapped a hoof around her assitantas shoulder as the ship bumbled further onewards.

Spike scrathed his enourmous beard. Seriously, this thing could touch the groud, even from this height. They had been on the move for over 5o years now. Spike looked out to the side, noticilen another zepplin approaching them.

"TWILIGHT! ENEMY ON THE PORT SIDE!" Shouted Spike.

Twilight burst through the door, sporting an impreesive beard of herselve, and an eyepatch. One does not be a sky pirate for 5 decades and not sport a few injuroes. Shoe pulled out a tellescope and spotted the enemy airship. It had no weapons, and nor did it display any hostile activity. Still, she didn;t get to be a princess by ignoring every single thing that came past.

"ARM THE CANNONS"

Many ponies below deck loaded cannon balls into the cannons pointing out the side of the ship.

"FIRE!"

A huge barrage of flying metal felw at the enemy airship, which quickly expoladed. It looked pretty sweet, but wasn;t that great if you ask the ponies onboard at the time. But you can't, because thewy're dead.

"Very good, crew!" Cried Twilighrt.

"Spike, how is our course."

"Well, we're travelling full speed south, and we're now 20 miles south of ponyville."

"Excellent, another decade anw we'll be clear of it entirely! Full spweed ahead!"

"Aye, captain!"

The airship carried on its journy.

Really fucking slowly.

Author's Note

This is probably the last update until thursday, when I;ll get drunk again.

Peace, ya;ll

8: Geiger

GEIGER

Celesta was sat alone in her Royal chambers, eating fucking shit-tonnes of cake as usual. She was pretty damn happy about it too, because cake was amazing.

It's a wonder that she isn't too obese to move. Alicorn magic I guess.

So anyway, she was shoveling cake into her face when several guard ponies, led by Twilight burst into her room.

"CELESTIA! DON'T EAT THAT CAKE!"

Celesta looked at the cake levetating in front of her.

"What is the meaning of this?" Who the FUCK tells Celestia, PRINCESS Celestia, when she can and can't eat cake.

"Princess, I've been researching and every result has come up the same, if you eat that cake, somethign terrible will happen." Said Twilight.

Celesta looked at Twilight, then to the cake, then bak to Twilight again. Then she floated the cake itno her mouth and ate it whole.

"PRINCESS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

"Eaten my fucking cake?"

Just then, Celestia began to glow, ever so slightly. A sickly green glow. And then her cutie mark changed, the sun being replaced by three almost trianfles around a circle. A small instrument attached to Teilight's hoof bagan to click steadily.

"Oh no, she's hit critical mass! EVERYPONY OUT!" Shouted Twilight.

That cake was the straw that broke the camel'sback. Celestia had reached critical mass after eating it, and was now highly radioactive. Al the guards and Twilight tried to leave the room as fast as posible, but a few got left behind, too sick to leave already. The ponies that got out closed the door, and a few minutes later sealed it with a massive metal block until Celestia had lost enought weight to not be radioactive.

Princess Celestia, who was now alone again in a room full of cakes.

And sick ponies.

But mostly cakes.

You can see where I'm going with this.

Long story short, a lot of ponies died that day, and a lot of cakes also.

It was a few decades until Celestia was declared safe. She was let out of her room by several ponies in hazmat suits. She got a good look at the castle. Vines were growing everywhere, and there was a thinck layer of dust about the place.

"What the hell happened?" She idly thought to herself.

Passing a window, she saw that the same could be said for outsied. The city was compleyely empty. Weeds and plants grew out from everywhere, while sings rusted and carts were left to rot in the streets.

"What heppend here?#2 She asked.

"You did, your highness. After you reached critical mass, you became so radioactive that Canterlot was no longer livable, so everypony was evacuated." Replied one of the suited guardd.s

"I-I did this?" She shakily replied.

"Yes ma'am."

"....Neat....." She pulled a camera out of nowhere and began taking pictures.

" 'Neat'?" Quired one of the guards.

"Yeah. This place looks dope like this. Like a zombie movie or something,."

'I should sell tours of this place!'

Then she did.

And thats the story of how Celestia became even richer throught the powers of weird tourism and a lot more cake than she realised..

Author's Note

Posting this one tonight, expect maybe one or two more by the monring.

9: Break It Down, Baby

BREAK IT DOWN, BABY

"TWILIGHT! HELP!" Came Rainbow's panicked cry.

Twilight raced out of her palace as fast as she could to find her friend. It turns out Rainbow was right by the door anyway, doing...

Doing...

She was dancing.

Rainbow Dash. THE Rainbow Dash, was dancing outside Tilwight's door.

"Uhh, Rainbow, what are you doing?" Asked a very confused Twiloght.

"I CAN'T STOP TWI! PLEASE HELP!" Rainbow had broken into a very good redition of the mashed potato, followed by the monkey. Twilight was compltley confused now, what did she mean she couldn't stop? Surely to stop dancing you just stop!

"Uhhh, what do you mean Rainbow?"

"I CAN'T STOP FUCKING DANCING! PLEASE, JUST HELP!"

Twilight was about to say something, but was interputed by a quiet yelp from behind her. Turning aoriund she found Fluttershy rapidnly twerking.

"Oh, Twilight, do you think you could help me? If you can, that is."

Twilight couldn't get over the fact that FLuttershy was here, at her house, twerking uncontrolably.

"What the hell is-"

Twilight turned back around only to be confrunted with Rainbow AND Applejack randomly dancing. Rainbow was pulling a shimmy, while AJ was furiously tapdancing.

"Twah, I don't suppose you know any way to stop all this?" AJ asked.

Twi just shook her head, completly at a loss as to what to say. There was no way around it. Her friends had somehow contracted Uncontrollable dance syndrome. She had to get back to the lab as fast as posible if she was goint to stop this. Letting it spread wasn;y an option, here.

Tutning to run back, she collapsed to the floor: a wildly breakdancing Lyra had just kicked her in the temple, she could do nothing as the world faded to black.

Twilight woke up in a hospital bed, alne in the room. She had no idea how long she'd been there. After a few minutes she called for a nurse, but when none came hse got a bit worried.

Gingerly getting out of bed, she left the room to find the hospital compeley empty. There was nopony here at all! She trotted into the reception, which was just as empty as the rest of the building. Sitting down, she magiced over a newspaper from the table.

'15 DEAD FROM DANCE'

"Oh no!"

Twilight bolted outside, to find the streets as empty as the hospital was. Houses were borded up and buisnisses had been looted. There were a couple of corpses on the street, both in various stages of disco moves.

"It's worse than I thought!"

She ran back to the castle, to find it boarded up. Spke must've done it while she was out.

"Spike, its Twilight! Let me in!"

Just then she heard a shuffling coming from behind her. turning, she found an emaciated, but stil breakdancing Lyra. She looked at Twilight with pleading eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Lyra." She said as her horn began to glow.

Lyra burst into flames, and the dancing stopped.

Twilight could hear things being shifted and locks being undone from her door. Turning around Spike was there with the door open.

"Twilight, it is you! Come in quick!"

She made her was inside as spike seales the castle once again. She went into the kitchen and sat at the table, thinking. A gurgle interputed her, and she decided it best to make some lunch.

Humming a tune, she assembled the sadnwich, not noticing that her hoof was tapping, or that she was bending her knees to the song.

She was dancing.

Eh, you;re on your own here, I got nothing on this one.

Author's Note

I'm really sorry.

Heeey, I actually posted this one when I said I would be in the description!

Didn't post it last night because I had fallen asleep.

10: KILLDOZER, Part 1

KILLDOZER

Twilight tracked the shooting star as it flew across the sky. Another pro of having a telescope this huuuge.

She keenly watched as it streacked across the navy blue expanse, it was very very pretty. Aloughy something seemed off about it. It suddenly hit her; it was'nt streaking off, it was burning up! It had fully entered the atmosphere and was leaving a trail behind. Only the trail didn't stop, it kept going, which meant that the object hadn't been destroyed !

Spying where the shooting star should have landed, Twilight galloped off to find it. Science awaits!

By her reckoning, the comet should have landed a few hundrend meters south of the old castle in the Everfree. Armed with only a few scientific instruments, she made her way to the castle as fast as possible.

Fighting her way through manticores and all that assorted bollocks, she found herslef at the old castle of the twpo sisters. She knew that from here, the crater should be a little bit south, so she turned and searched. The forest was, as always, a dense mess of undergrowth and vines that made the journtey a fucking bitch, but she eventually made it.

The crater was huge, and the force of the imepact created a clearing in theo forest. Twilight tentativley aproache d the hole in the ground, still glowing from heat.

'Thats not right.' she thought 'It shoudl be freezing cold.'

Approaching the crater, she peeked inside. It was not what she was expecting. Inside of the hole was a great yellow...thing.

It was a massive rectangular looking object, with an enormous scoop on the front, an odd box with a seat on the back, and several wheels surrounded by a...track...tracks?...underneith.

Fucking weird, right?

Twilight apporached te object, slowly, taking care to not fall down into the hole. This object was clearly not natural. No two ways about it, she was looking at a UFO.

"Incrdible!" sHE said to nopony inparticula.r

Adding to the mystery, he item appeared to have surviverd re-entry compleatly unscathed, and looked to be in pristine condition. At least, she assumed so anyway, haveing never seen one of...these...before.

Oh, and it was glowing.

Not a magical glow, either, Twilight would've noticed if it was. No, it was somethign different. There was something off about this whole thing. The object gave off a signal, a familiar one. It wasn't adark magic, but ot was pretty close to dark magic';s signaure. She got a feeling that this wasn't somethint that she should be trifling with. Not alone, anyway.

This, however, presented a prblem. Twilight knew that she couldn't deal with this alone. She'd have to go and get help, probably from the princesses. But she'd left Spike back in Ponyville, so the only way she would be able to contact them would be to go back there. But if she left this thing unattended, ther was a chance, as mall one, but still a chance, that somepmony else might find it, and who knows what would happen then?

She attempted to pick it up with her magic. No dice, this thing was heavy. Grittin her teeth, she tried again, pumping more energy ino her horn. Again, nothing, this thing weighed an ass load.

'One more try' she told herslef.

She scruched her face in concentration. A second aura appeared over her horn,and she broke into a sweat. The thing lifted mere inches off the ground, and then Twilight's magic cut out. She'd reache her limit. As the object fell back to the ground, so did she, panting and covered in sweat.

"Theres...huff...got to...huff...be ano-another way" She said, heavily breathing.

Laying in the clearing, the only sound she could hear was her own breathing. It was odd, the animals werent' even makinf any noises. They'd probably all been scared off by the fuck-off massive boom this thing mustve made when it hit the ground.

She perked her ears up to try and hear if anything was nearby. She could hear nothing all around. Except...except there was something. Something quiet, faint and rythmic. Swivelling her ears around, she located the source of the faint noise. It was coming from the space object.

Twilight pushed herself to her hooves and went over to investigate. She gingerly stepped over the mouth of the crater, and gracefully tripped and slid down the side until she was face to fa- uh, scoop, with the thing. She could hear it louder now, it was still faint, but it was much more notucalbe.

It seemed to be coming from the scoop-bit itself. There was definetly something, she could hear a rythm, and a voice!

She pressed her ear up to the scoop, the object having apparently cooled down quite a bit. As she did so the noise suddenly became deafeningly loud. In a panic, she tried to pull herself away from it, but her body wouldn't respond, she was stuck!

There was a big flash, and a huge wave of not-magic eminated from the thing.

And then Twilight knew.

An unsettling smile graced Twilight's face, her now-red eyes intesnifying the effect.

She knew.

Twilight trotted around the the back of the bulldozer- it was called a bulldozer- and climbed up into the cab. She knew exactly what to do. Starting the monster of a machine, she laughed manically as the engine let out a roar and the bulldozer pulled itself up out of the crater. She turned it back to face the way she came and began to plow through the treees.

She had to get back to Ponyville.

She had to start working.

Author's Note

Oooh, spooky right?

That's right folks, this one is gonna happen in more than one part!
There will be other things in-between, comic-book style, but I'll link the next part in the Author's Notes when I post it.
What happens next? You'll have to wait and see in part two!

Probably out next Thursday, but maybe sooner, maybe later. Who knows!?

This one was started on Thursday night, when I was pretty drunk, worked on more on friday when I was fairly drunk, and finished today (saturday) as I'm now a little bit drunk.

11: Hover Boots

HOVER BOOTS

"HEY! GET BACK HERE!"

"FUCK OFF,APE THING!"

Jim continued to chase Rainbow Dash arounf ponyville. They'd been at it for a good hour or so by this point. Everythimg Jim would get close, Rainbow would blast off ahead leaving him behind tio cathc up.

If he wanted to fufil his dream, Jim would have to get crafty.

'Hmm...I bet I could use FLuttershy for this..."

There was a knock at Fluttershy;s door.

This was odd,she wasn't expecting any visitors. Nevertheless, she go t up and opened it.

"H-hello?"

"Shhh can'tt talk, plan."

The odd hairless ape at the door immideatly grabbed her and then tied her to one of his...feet...?

"YES! St5age one complete!" It ecxclapmed. "Come on ,Flittershy. We have work to do12

She only wimpere din response.

"I think I lost him!" Thought Rainbow. Of course she had lost him. She WAS the fastest flyer in all Equestria after all. Gotta live up to that.

"HEY LOYALTY!"

Her ears perkedd up.

"CHECK THIS OUT!"

She turned aoriund to fin the...thing...stood in town square, with Fluttershy ti3d around one of it's feet. Rainbow was boiling wih rage a t this poihnt.

"You want tol help her
? Do it then!" It shouted.

Rainbow was already accelerating as fast as she could in his direction. She had to helf her frient.;

Suddenly, he side stepped her.As she shot off past him, she braced for impact. It never came. Instead, she found herself in the creature's grasp.

"YES! NOW HOLD STIL!"

Rainbow didn;t even know what to think as the thig tied her around it's other foot.

It was a normal day in Ponyville. Until you looked up.

If you happenedto look up on that particular day, you;d see an odd creature, flying in random directions as it went, screaming anf cheering.

As it turned out, tying pegasi to you;re feet in order to achieve fligt isn;t a good idea. Jim learned this when rainbow panicked and flew off startled.

With his foot still attached to her. Not him.

Shit sucked.

12: Twilight's Stripes

TWILIGHT'S STRIPES

Almost there

Okay, the last corner

I'M GOING TOO FAST!

AHHHHH!

"AHHHHH!"

Twilight jolted up in bed, screaming in a cold sweat. She'd had another flashback dream afain. She looked at th clock. 3:50 AM. It was unlikely shr'd get back to sleep sho she decuded t go downstairs and start work.

Nopony came to the library at 4 AM.

Spike came down stairs to nfind an absolutley shattered Twilight sat at the table, surrounfed by enmpty coffee cups and half read books.

"Twilight? What's up?"

"I had another flashback dream, Spike" Se replied. "It just seemed so real..."

"It;s okay Twi, I UNderstanf."

The tender moment was interupted by the arruval of a letter. Twilight trotted over to where it lay, picking it up in her maginc. SHe let out a gasp as she read it, she recovignised the writing,.

"Dear Princess Sparkle," She read aloud.

"I hereby chalenge you to a race. The results will determine who will be incharge of Ponyvill. If I win, I will be. If you shoose to decline this offer then my cronies will immidielty being the invasion of Ponyville.

Mustang"

Twilighr couldn;t believem it. Her old rival was challening her to a race. A race to determine the fat if pOnyville, no less. She was nervois, but she could only say one thing.

"Spike, get my rollerskates."

Spie gasped and ran off upstairs.

"Boss, we got al letter bacl. She said yes."

"Excellent, ecxellent. Tehll her the location."

Twilight arrived at the gorge in her full skating gear. It had been years since she had worn this. Not since the accident. Not since Mustang...

Not since Mustang tried to kill her...

No, she had to concetrate. She had to defend Ponyville. It would me so much easier if her friends where here to suport her. But they couldn't know.

Suddenly, she stiffened up and all the fur on her neck stood up on end. She knew whis could only mean one thing.

"Mustang..."

"hELLO to you to, Twilight. It's been a while, ahdn;t it?"

Twilight turned arounf tou face her tormentor. He was still the same as she remebered. Rubber wheels, metal body, shit-eating grin. Right down to the seats inside of him.

"Not long enough" She muttered.

"Twilight, you wound me!" He replied in mocj shock.

"Just lets' get oin with this!" She exclaimed.

"Very well.Rules are simple, first one to the end of the gourge winns. Winner takes all, in this casem Pinyville."

Thw two lined up at the start line in complete scienec.e It was supreamly tense.

3

2

1

GO!

They both set off at lightinig speed. Mustang broke off onto an early lead, but Twilight knew she could catch up, wings furiusly flaping in a Scootaloo like manner.

They were now about halfway donw trhe gourge. Mustang could see that Twilight was keeping up.THis is when he hatched a plan. He waited until Twilight had caught up,and then dtarted to force her into the wall of the gourge! Twilight knew that even as a n alicorn, it would be like taking hot butter to a belt sander. She needed a plan and quick!

But nothing came to mind...

As she despreatly trie to find a way out, she thought back to her last race.With Mustang. Where he had tried to kill her. Mustang had been right up behind her the whole race, tailing her. He'd suddenly accelerated at the last corner, foring her to go faster in order to avoid being run over. But this meant she overshot the turn, and almost died in the resulting accident.

Well, not this time!

Feeling the anger towards Mustang building up in her, the stripes in Twilight's mane and tial began to glow, a brilliant intense whit.e

"GO FASTER STRIPES!" She shouted. "THEY'RE GO FATSER STRIPES!"

Suddenly, she shot forwards, way infront on Mustang.

Mustang was clearly not exp[ecting this, and continued on his path towards the walls of the gorge. He didn;t realise until it was too late.

Twilight looked back the the resulting explosin, with out slowing down at all. A smile graced her fae. She had won, she had saved ponycille, They say the resulitng blast was heard allll the way in Canterlot.

She finnaly beat Mustang, he would never bother her again. All was well.

"Heya Twi! What did you get up to today?"

"Oh, nothing much..."

Author's Note

Expect the next installment of the Killdozer arc tomorrow!

Probably!

Maybe!

13: Princess Mi Amoray Eel Cadenza

PRINCESS MI AMORAY EEL CADENZA

"Preenting her royal highness Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!"

The chariout came out of the sky and landed infront of the waiting crwod. The door opened, and an enourmous pink eel (dressed n full regalia) flopped out of it.

The crowd cheered. All of them except for Twilight.

"Wait, that's isn't Cadence!" She cried out.

"Duh, of course it is Twi, didin't you hear the guy just say?" Replied Rainbow, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah but-"

"Look Twi, how could that not be Cadence?" Rainbow pointed over to 'Cadence', who was thrashing around on the floor and making gasspijng noises.

"But it's an eel!"

"Twilight, I know after the whole changeling thing,detecting fake Cdences is, like, your super power or some shit, but I do think on this occasion you have in fact gotten it wrong." Fluttershy interjected.

"B-B-BUT EELS!" Shouted Twilight. Her friends all looked at her worriedly.

"Twily, is everything okay?" Shining Arnor (who was also in the chariot) asked her.

"CADENCE IS NOT AN EEL!"

"uH..Twi, arer you feeling okay?"

"NO! NOT OKAY! CADENCE. IS. NOT. AN. EEL!" She pretically exploded.

"Uh, why don;t you sit down in the shade,I'm going to go talk to Cadence." He huriedly walked off.

"Geez Twi, what was all that about?" Rainbow asked, confused.

"Oh, I dunno Rainbow, maybe I'm freaking out about the fact theres A HUGE FUCKING EELL!"

"I think Shining was right, maybe you should sit down for a bit..." Rainbow led her away to a bench under a tree. "Just gotta calm down, yeah?"

"How can I be calm when theres an-"

"Come on honey!" Came shining;s voice. He happily trotted past TTwilight, brining the eel that was easily four times his lenght behind him with his magic, leaving a trail of slime on the floor.

"CADENCE DOES NOT LEAVE TRAILS!"

"Maybe she's trying out a new thing?" Shrugged Rainvow.

Twilight narrowed her eyes at Rainbow. Rainbow just shrugged again.

PRINCESS CADENCE EATS FOAL, FISH FROM RIVER

'IT WASN'T ME, I'M NOT A FUCKING EEL' SAYS PRINCESS

In a recent visit to the settlement of Ponyville, Princess Cadenza was seen by the whole town and our photographers eating a small foal, and then leaving to sqim in the river, where she continued to hunt for fish. In a statment release by the Princess, she said 'That wasn't me, I am not a fucking eel. How can I have killed a foal in Ponyville if I'm in the crystal empire? Are you all blind or just stupid?'

Author's Note

Did this one last night.
Next Killdozer part soon!

14: Embodiment

14: Embodiment

EMBODIMENT

Applejack had bouthg Apple Bloom along to the annual ponyville hearthswarming party thing to have fun.

It was a oretty sweet deel. It was bang in the middle of town, and the whole thing looked really pretty becaus it had snowed erlier that day, and night just looks cooler than day, what with eh stars and shit.

So basically she was wndering around the square, playing on some of the games and eating the disgusting-yet-strangley-irrisitable carnival food. It was all pretty great until she wandered away from AJ and ended up face to face with Diamond Fancyhat. She tried to sneak away, but it was no good, shed been spottred.

"Well well if it isn't the little hillbilly." Sneered Diamnod.

"You shut your face."

"I'll shut yours first!" Shouted Diamond, as she slapped a bitch.

"I WIN!" She shouted, before running off.

"Ow, my face." said Apple bloom, lying on the floor.

APlle Jack had just seen the whole thing, and wasn;t too happy about it.

"Comeon Apple Bloom, i'ma talk to that fily's dad about this."

So then AJ picked applebloom up and they set out to find Filthy Rich. After five minutes of searching, they found him (pnyville is not a very big town), and confronted him.

"Mr. Filthy," started AJ, "How come your daughter is such a bitch?"

"Daughter?" replied a confused Filthry Rich.

"Diamond Tiara, you know, your kid."

"Oh. OH. Hahahah, oh no, nonono!" Laughed Filthy.

"Uhm, what?"

"You see her?" Filthey pointed at Diamond. "She is not my daughter."

"Wait, what?" Replied an even more confused AJ.

"This child is a corporeal manifestation of my own nefarius sins." Calmly stated Flthy,

"I am a spectre of darkness." Piped in Diamond.

AJ was speechless.

"Yes, she is the embodiment of al of my wrong doings. This is probably the explanaion you are looking for regarding why she is a bitch. she is literally made of all the awful shit i've done." Elaborated Filthy,.

Aj was still speechless.

"Well, it's been lovely chatting with you miss Jakc, but I must be off. I have an ophanage to demolish to make way for a store. Happy Hearhtwarming!" With that, he left, Diamond following closely behind.

"I have literally no idea what just happened." Said applebloom.

"Let us never speak of it again." Said AJ.

So they didn't.

Author's Note

Hahha, I have to go to work tommorow morning, I shouldn't be drunk.

Oh well.

Merry crimbus!

1: Trixie's Return (Again)

TRIXIE'S RETURN AGAIN

It was a pretty chill day in Ponyville. Things were pretty quiet and everypony was just hangin' out really.

Then suddenly Trixie came stomping through town, being the mega-bitch she is. So she was crashing through town, stomping on market stalls and foals and stuff, until she reashed the big huge crystal palace Twilight lived in now.

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE, IT IS I, THE GREAT AND POWEFUL TRIXIE! TRIXIE HAS COME ONCE AGAIN TO CHALLENGE YOU TO-"

Trixie was interrupted by a hammer to the face as Twilight poked her head out the window at the scene below.

"FUCK OFF TRIXIE, I'M SICK OF YOUR STUPID SHIT!"

And so the claw hammer in Twilight's magical grasp kept doing it's work and the day was saved.

Hooray!

2: Spike's Secret

SPIKE'S SECRET

Spike was totally bricking it. Today was the day he revealed all, it was time to come clean. He gently knocked on the door to Twilight's room.

"Come in."

Spike o[ejned the door and nervously walked inside.

"Twilight, theres something I need tot tell you."

"What is it Spike?"

Spike took a depe breath, and looked Twilight in the eyes. Then all his skin fell off, revealing the creatue underneith.

"I'm actually an Elf."

Twilight gasped, and gingerly made her way towards the dragon-come-elf, placing a hoof on his face. She wiped a tear from her eye, a small smile on her face.

"So it;s true!"

Spke just nodded.

"Come, elfchild, we have much to do!"

Twilight left the room, becking for Spike to follow her, which he did,.

"Twilight, are you sure this is okay?"

"Of course, Spike! Who doesn;t like getting presents? Keep throwing now!"

Elf-Spike threw another brick off of the side of the royal chariot he and Twilight were now sat in aboce Ponyville. An audible crack was heard a few seconds later.

"MY LEG!"

Twilight looked at elf-Spike with a smile on her face.

"You done good Spike, you done good."

BAMF.

"MY SPIIIIIIIINEEEE!"

"Good elf!.

And so the moral of the story is stoping supplying Twilight with elves.

5: Dank

DANK

It was a regular day at Sweet Apple Acres, the Apple family hard at work. Applejack was busy bucking the trees, while Apple Bloom loaded the apples onto the crat Big Mac was atached to. Once the cart was fucking stacked with apples, Applejack shouted to Big Mac.

"Okay Mac, yer good to go. Don;t come back 'till they;re all gone, ya hear?"

"Eeeyep."

With that Big Mac left for the market, with a shit load of apples in tow. Apple Bloom scrunched up her face, thinking. She turned and trotted up to Applejaclk.

"Hey AJ, how come Big Mac don't talk so much? He's awfully easy going."

Applejack sighed and looked at Applebloom with sad eyes.

"Back about 10 'o 15 years ago, Maccy used to be in a band. Seem he would write the songs, and sometimes he'd need a little...inspiration. So he started doing bad things, drugs and the like."

Applejack fell to her hauches.

"It wasn't enough though, he always needed more. It just got worse and worse until one day, ah came out to tha south field, and hew was there. Ah don't know how he got it, but he'd set fire to a literal tonne of weed, and had suspended himself above it from a tree."

She looked at Applebloom, tears now falling down the elder sibling's face.

"H-he got so high that he never came down..."

"Riiiiight..."

"Ahm sorry Applebloom, ah think I'll have to go inside a spell. Un-until I calm down..."

Applejack trotted of back to the farmhouse, leaving the filly outside by herse;f

"This place is buckng weird."

Author's Note

What have we here?

TWO!?