Food Battle: Equestria

by Razalon The Lizardman

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3341

Rainbow and Pinkie challenge each other to a Smosh-style food battle.

Rainbow and Pinkie set out to prove that their favorite food (rainbow-icing cupcakes and cotton candy, respectively) can perform more everyday tasks than the other.

Apparently, there are still things that have yet to be ponified. This fic shall help to atone for that most grievous of sins.

Published 2014-09-07 22:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-07 22:30:02 UTC

Bring it on!

Rainbow sat in her cloud home living room, browsing through a catalog on the lookout for items of interest. A plate of rainbow-icing cupcakes sat on the coffee table in front of her, one of which having been bitten into by the pegasus mare.

Man, why’s everything in here so overpriced? she thought to herself, sighing as she changed positions on the couch.

Just then the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” Rainbow called.

She put the catalog onto the coffee table next to her cupcakes and walked to the door. Opening it, she was greeted by Pinkie’s beaming grin and a hug from the party mare.

“Hiya Dashie!” she chirped.

“Uh, hey Pinkie,” Dash replied, confused. “How’d you get up here?”

Pinkie let go of Dash and pointed behind her to a sight which made Dash groan with disgust; a pink, cotton candy cloud, hovering just aside her cloud home’s foundation.

“I take it you had Discord’s help?” Dash droned out.

“Eeyuperooni!” Pinkie beamed. She then lifted her front hooves up to Rainbow’s face, which were also covered in pink cotton candy. “He also made me these so I don’t fall through clouds.” Her expression turned solemn. “I can’t get any chocolate milk out of them, though.”

Dash just sighed. “Fine, whatever, did you need anything?”

“Just wanted to let you know how amazing this cotton candy is,” Pinkie replied, wiggling a hoof in Dash’s face. “Now we can do all kinds of exciting things we couldn’t do before, like having our first ever airborne slumber party!” She looked to Dash with eyes and a mouth that stretched dangerously far across her face. “Isn’t that exciting!?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I guess,” she said, casually.

Pinkie’s facial features, thankfully, returned to normal until she was frowning slightly. “Aren’t you excited, Dashie?’ she asked.

“I guess,” Dash replied, rubbing the back of her head semi-sheepishly. “It’s just that, well . . . you’re acting like cotton candy is the end all solution to every problem.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” Pinkie said, looking down at her pink fluffy horseshoes, “but they are amazing and can totally be a great help in so many different ways that it’s no wonder they’re my favorite food.”

Dash shrugged again. “Meh, cupcakes are better.”

Pinkie looked confused. She then took a piece of cotton candy off her hoof and used it to clean her ear before putting it back in place. “I’m sorry, Dashie; what’d you just say?”

The blue speedster took a moment to keep her stomach’s contents from being ejected before taking a deep breath and answering. “I just said that cupcakes are better than cotton candy, especially ones with rainbow-colored icing and-”

“Nope, nuh uh,” Pinkie interrupted, shaking her head. “Much as I love cupcakes, they’re in no way, shape, or form better than cotton candy.”

Rainbow snorted. “Yeah, sure thing Pinkie,” she replied sarcastically. She turned around to head back inside when, to her complete surprise, she met the challenging face of Pinkie staring right at her from her foyer.

“So, you really think cupcakes are a better food than cotton candy, huh?” she growled.

“What the- how’d you-” Rainbow sputtered, only to be interrupted when Pinkie stepped up to her and pressed her face squarely against her own.

“Care to put your cupcakes where your mouth is?” Pinkie asked.

Rainbow managed to reign in her surprise enough to respond with a witty comeback. “Actually, yes; in fact they’re on my coffee table right now.” She trotted over to said cupcakes and picked one up off the plate, licking her lips in anticipation of the tasty treat.

“No no no, I mean we should have a food battle to see who’s favorite food is better,” Pinkie said, following Dash into the living room. “The food that proves its usefulness better will be the winner, which will, of course, be my cotton candy fluffs of super-de-duper greatness incarnate!”

Rainbow, never one to back down from a challenge, turned around with a hardened expression. “If you think your lame-o cotton candy can beat my rainbow-icing cupcakes of awesomesauce, then you’re in for a rough treat, Pinkie!” She capped off her exclamation by shoving the entire cupcake into her mouth in an epic manner.

FOOD BATTLE: EQUESTRIA

“Alright,” Rainbow said upon finishing her cupcake and retrieving a glass of water to wash it down. She and Pinkie sat next to each other on the pegasus’ couch as Dash flipped open her catalog to a random page. Eyeing the contents for a moment, she pointed a hoof to one in particular.

“Let’s see which one of our foods makes a better grenade,” she said.

“I have no idea what that is but okay!” Pinkie chirped.

Standing tall upon the hill just outside of Ponyville’s limits, facing toward Canterlot, Rainbow produced her treasured dessert.

“Alright you sweet, sugary cup of coolery, let's blow something up!” she exclaimed excitedly.

She plucked the cherry off the top and quickly chucked the cupcake as far into the field as she could. It hit the soft, grassy ground with a subdued splat, the soil underneath sticking to the rainbow-colored icing.

Rainbow waited a few seconds for it to blow up, but it did no such thing. The blue speedster slumped to the ground and sighed in defeat.

“Crap,” she muttered.

X

“Okay Mr. Cotty,” Pinkie cooed at the wadded up, pony-shaped clump of cotton candy from where she stood at her bedroom window. “Let’s do this!”

Rearing her hoof back, she gave a few good swirls before chucking the equine sugar lump as hard as she could. Unfortunately, a strong gust of wind blew in at that very moment, picking up Mr. Cotty and carrying him away with total ease.

Pinkie stared blankly for a moment before lightly stomping her hoof. “Shoot.”

X

Pinkie flipped the pages of Dash’s catalog fervently, looking for something where she was sure her cotton candy could easily prove to be useful.

“Hurry up,” Dash whined from beside her, resting an elbow on her box of freshly baked rainbow-iced cupcakes.

“Hold your hooves, Dashie,” Pinkie stated. She flipped another page and, upon sighting one item in particular, grinned devilishly and pointed to it. “Let’s do a microphone!”

“Fine by me,” Rainbow agreed.

Dozens of ponies stood at attention in front of the stage at Town Hall, having been told Pinkie Pie needed to make a special announcement. The pink party pony stood at the podium with a cone of cotton candy placed in the microphone stand. A chipper smile graced her muzzle as she leaned forward and spoke in a conversational tone of voice.

“Attention, everypony, this is Pinkie Pie with a special announcement for you all!”

Everypony leaned in close.

‘You’re all invited to my ‘cotton-candy-is-totally-better-than-cupcakes party today!”

Everypony cheered in response.

✓

From atop the roof of Town Hall, Rainbow Dash desperately tried to get the crowd’s attention.

“Hey everyone! Hey! Up here!” she shouted. She tapped her cupcake once to test it. “Is this thing on!? Hey everyone! Look up here!”

Nopony did, as they were too busy cheering for Pinkie.

“Dang it,” Rainbow muttered.

X

“C’mon, c’mon,” Rainbow muttered as she flipped through her catalog. Now it was her turn to desperately search for something a cupcake could easily pull off.

“I’m waiting!” Pinkie called in a sing-song voice from next to her on the couch. Her cone of cotton candy sat in her lap and she was petting it like a kitten.

Finally, Rainbow pointed to an item. “Let’s do fishing bait!”

“Okay,” Rainbow said. Staring into the river’s calm, tranquil water she took a deep, relaxing breath and set down her fishing pole. “Let’s do this.”

She unwrapped the fishing line from around the pole and brought out her cupcake. She then took the hook in her hooves and, careful to avoid piercing herself, set a small piece of the cupcake onto it.

“C’mon you delicious piece of sugary awesomesauce, bag me a whopper!” She paused. “Which I have absolutely no intention of eating, of course!”

She put the pole into her mouth and cast the line out with a hard swing of her head. The line fell with a splash about five yards from shore and quickly sunk out of sight. Rainbow sat down and began the all-important process of waiting patiently for a fish to bi-

“Whoa zair!” she said as the pole bent over and a strong tug was felt on the line. “You mus’ be starveen’ if you too’ it tha’ fash!”

Rainbow gave her jaw a real workout as she struggled to bring in the fish. It was sore as hell by the time she finally landed it, but the blue pegasus couldn’t care any less about that right then.

“Woohoo!” she shouted in excitement. “It’s a real lunker!”

✓

“No fish can resist the universal appeal of spun sugar!” Pinkie declared, standing tall and proud on the lake’s dock.

She quickly readied her fishing pole and set a piece of cotton candy on the hook. Taking the pole in her hooves, she carefully lowered the line onto the water’s surface, just a few inches from the dock.

Unfortunately, the sugary bait began dissolving as soon as it touched the water’s surface, quickly leaving the hook bare.

Pinkie reeled the line back in and pouted. “Awwww.”

X

A small splash drew Pinkie’s attention to the surface. Peering downwards, she noticed that several fish were gathering around the now sugar-laden water.

“Oh no you don’t!” Pinkie shouted. She tossed the pole aside and jumped into the water, scaring the fish away in the process. “That’s only for good little fishies that know how to get caught!”

“Okay, let’s do-”

“Whoa.”

Pinkie looked up from the catalog to Rainbow Dash. “What is it?” she asked.

“Why are you all wet?” Dash asked in turn.

Pinkie sighed and resumed flipping through the pages, several drops from her still-soaked mane falling onto them as she did so. “Let’s just do a plushie.”

Decked out in a pair of purple jammies and matching nightcap, Pinkie slipped under the covers of her bed and made herself comfortable, After taking a moment to fluff her pillow, she reached over to her nightstand and brought Cotty Jr. over to her.

“Well, good night sweetie,” Pinkie said to the smaller, equine-shaped cone of cotton candy, giving it a good pat on the head. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

Pinkie brought the cotton candy up to her face and nuzzled it before resting her head against the pillow, falling deep asleep a few seconds later.

✓

“Man, what a day it’s been,” Rainbow said as she slipped on a white nightgown. “Who knew a food battle could be so exhausting?”

With a heavy yawn, Rainbow crawled into bed and pulled the covers under her chin. She then reached over to her nightstand and pulled her prized treat over to her, giving it a warm smile.

“Good night, little guy,” she cooed.

She let her head drop against the pillow, holding the cupcake next to her head in her hooves as she settled for the night. The cupcake squished against the pillow and her head, icing and chocolate crumbs rubbing off on both, but giving a warm feeling to its owner all the same.

✓

“Well, that was a pleasant night’s sleep,” Pinkie said with a slight yawn.

“I’ll say,” Rainbow agreed, rubbing some sleep out of her eyes.

“Um, Dashie?”

“Yeah?”

Pinkie pointed to Rainbow’s face. “You’ve got a little something on your cheek.”

Rainbow touched a hoof to her cheek and inspected it. Noticing the multi-colored smudge across her hoof’s bottom, she shrugged her shoulders. She then brought over her catalog and began flipping through the pages.

“Let’s do . . . ooh!” A saucy grin stretched across her muzzle as she pointed to her selected item. “Let’s do a mistletoe.”

Pinkie took a moment to make sure that's what Rainbow was really pointing it, and upon seeing that it was indeed a mistletoe, leveled a teasing smile at her speedster friend.

“Oh, Dashie, I didn’t know you were into that mushy romance stuff.”

A dark crimson blush formed underneath the rainbow smear on Rainbow’s cheek. “Uh, well, I . . .”

“It’s okay, Dashie,” Pinkie giggled. “Let’s do it!”

“Work your laden powers of love, sweetie,” Rainbow said to her treat. She was standing just next to the door of Sugarcube Corner, her cupcake hanging down from where it was tied to the door.

Her ear twitched in response to an approaching presence from outside. Grinning, Rainbow closed her eyes and waited until the hoof falls were just next to the door before puckering her lips. She heard the door open and the hoof steps stopped a second later. A few more seconds went by without anything happening. Rainbow was about to open her eyes to see what was happening when she finally felt another pair of lips pressed up against her own.

Rainbow reacted instinctively, returning the kiss with her own passionate one. She went all out, swirling her tongue in and around the anonymous pony’s mouth, moaning with delight as she experienced romantic bliss for the first time in her life. She wanted to keep it going, to continue making out with the anonymous pony, but knew she couldn't in a public place.

Eventually, she broke off the kiss, panting slightly from exertion. “That. Was. Awesome,” she whispered between breaths.

“I’ll say,” said a familiar voice.

Rainbow’s eyes shot open.

“Wanna go somewhere private and bang?” Thunderlane asked with a sly smirk.

“AHHHHHHHHH!”

✓

“Alrighty Cotty Jr., let’s spread some love!”

Pinkie stood on the roof just above the front door of Sweetie Drops’ house, her cotton candy cradled in one hoof attached to some leftover fishing line. The party mare had mailed a package to the confectioner that morning, and by her calculations she’d be receiving it very soon.

Derpy Hooves came around the block, carrying the package on her back with a smile on her face and a skip in her step. The mailmare soon arrived at Sweetie’s house and knocked on the door. After a few seconds the front door opened to reveal the cream-colored earth pony.

“Package for Mrs. Drops,” Derpy chirped happily.

“Oh, cool,” Sweetie replied, eyeing the brown paper-wrapped box curiously.

Derpy produced a clipboard with a release form on it and a pen. “I’ll just need you to sign here and-”

Derpy paused as the cotton candy entered her field of vision. Sweetie Drops also noticed it, and both mares stared blankly at the enigmatic treat as it swayed in the wind above their heads. After a moment they turned their attention from the cotton candy to each other, keeping their blank stare all the while.

They stared for what seemed like a long time but was really only a few seconds. They looked into each others’ eyes, silently contemplating the purpose of the pink dessert and what it could mean for them. A warm feeling swelled up within Derpy, compounded by a tingling in her tummy.

The gray mailmare opened her mouth, and then-

*Buuuurp*

Sweetie Drops scoffed. “Well, excuse you, Miss Hooves.”

Derpy blushed. “Sorry, I had a Mega Jug for lunch.” She presented the clipboard to Sweetie. “Anyway, sign here please.”

Sweetie Drops signed the form and took the package from Derpy before closing the door. Her smile returned, Derpy walked back to the road and proceeded to continue with her rounds.

“Aw, come on!” Pinkie cried.

X

“Okay, no more Mrs. Nice Mare!” Pinkie declared, flipping through the catalog at a furious pace, ripping a few pages in the process. “Let’s do a- Dashie, pay attention!”

Rainbow shivered on the couch next to her, muttering something about ‘not liking him like that’ and other random gibberish. When she didn’t acknowledge her, Pinkie just sighed and resumed speaking.

“We’re doing a cosplay next!”

Pinkie walked down Mane Street while waving hello to everypony as she showed off her cotton candy cosplay, which consisted of nothing but a white cone strapped to her head. Everypony, though confused upon seeing her odd attire, nevertheless waved back and just shrugged it off as ‘Pinkie Pie, ‘nuff said’.

Eventually Pinkie reached her destination; Carousel Boutique. She knocked on the front door and waited until Rarity opened the door.

“Why hello Pinkie Pie,” the fashionista greeted. “Are you here as a friend or as a customer, because I have a nice selection of-”

“Actually, Rarity,” Pinkie interrupted, “I just need to ask you a question.”

“Oh, well, alright then, ask away darling.”

Pinkie dipped her head to allow Rarity a full view of her cosplay attire. “Can you tell what I’m cosplaying as?” she asked with a wide grin.

Rarity tilted her head in curiosity before giving her friend a once over and answering. “You’re masquerading around as a cone of cotton candy, are you not?”

“Yes!”

✓

“Thanks Rarity, bye!” And Pinkie sped off.

Rarity just stared blankly for several seconds before slowly closing the door with a gentle click and turning around. “Well, that makes two unexpected happenstances in one day.” She trotted over to the couch where Rainbow Dash was laying on her back, still shivering uncontrollably and muttering incoherent gibberish.

Rarity pulled up a chair and sat down, then levitated a pen and notepad over to her.

“Now, where were we at?” She glanced down at the paper for a moment before looking up to Rainbow. “Rainbow Dash, I want you to tell me precisely who you thought about while kissing Thunderlane.”

Rainbow Dash could only squeak like a cornered mouse in response.

X

“Okay, Dashie, we’re currently tied at three points each,” Pinkie said. “Whoever wins the next event wins the whole battle.”

Rainbow shifted uncomfortably on her couch. “Yeah, sure thing Pinks,” she muttered weakly.

Taking the catalog in her hooves, she slowly flipped through the pages but hardly paid attention to the items each one listed. The blue speedster had a faraway look in her eyes as she searched, which Pinkie noticed but didn't say anything right away. Only when Rainbow had flipped to the last page without saying anything did Pinkie speak up.

“Yoohoo, Hoofston to Dashie!” She waved a hoof in front of Rainbow’s face, snapping the pegasus from her space-staring. “Are you gonna pick something or not?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Rainbow stared down at the last page and pointed to the first thing she saw. “Let’s do a trowel.”

“And remember girls,” Golden Harvest said from her front door, “you need to dig really deep in order to pull those weeds out by the roots.”

Rainbow and Pinkie saluted, the former with less enthusiasm. “Got it, Miss Harvest,” they both said in unison.

The carrot farmer retreated back into her house. Pinkie and Rainbow both stared down at the innumerable weeds which had infested Golden Harvest’s carrot garden and selected a batch to start with. The two mares held their respective treats up high, poised to strike the invasive parasitic plant.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Rainbow suddenly shouted.

Dropping her cupcake, Rainbow shot off into the distance while yelling, “I’m coming my love!”

Pinkie could only stare wide-eyed in confusion at Rainbow’s retreating figure, unable to process what had just happened. She was broken out of her stupor, however, by a familiar voice approaching her from behind.

“Pinkie! Pinkie!” Discord said, speaking into his own cone of cotton candy. “You've just won Food Battle: Equestria!”

Pinkie beamed. “I knew it!” she cried with joy. “Cotton candy is the best!”

“What are you gonna do now?” Discord asked, holding the cone up to Pinkie’s mouth.

“I’m going to finish work on Golden Harvest’s garden!” Pinkie exclaimed. “But after that I’m gonna go train Gummy to be a ninja!”

“Ooh, that sounds positively chaotic!” Discord chirped. “Can I join in?”

"NO!"