The Question

Three knocks came from Phalanx’s door, the old white pegasus stallion gave a weak sigh. He knew he agreed to this but still, this wasn’t going to be enjoyable, as he hobbled towards his front door. His broken body was illuminated by the a few rays that bled through the curtains, the jagged stump that was once his left wing the most notable. Another three knocks came as he reached the door and opened it. Three fillies and two mares escorting them were waiting, the fillies with looks of barely contained excitement while the unicorn and earth pony behind them only had an apologetic look to Phalanx.

The three immediately burst into a torrent of questions, most about being a Royal Guard and all that it entailed. Soon came that question, the one that he was secretly hoping that wouldn’t be asked but he had known better. ‘Did you kill anypony?’ He knew it would be a short meeting with his five visitors and possibly a long visit from a livid Princess of Friendship later that day.

“Living room is to the left, I’ll bring out some lemonade,” Phalanx stated matter of factly as he made his way towards the kitchen. He pulled a large pitcher of the sweet yellow drink and poured six glasses before balancing the tray on his wing. He came inside to find the three fillies sitting at his coffee table, as soon as he walked in their eyes followed him as the sisters sat back on the couch.

Phalanx sat the tray on the table and took his own glass, taking his place in his well used recliner and took a long draw on the straw in his glass. Setting the glass to the side he flashed an apologetic smile to the two older sisters before he looked to the three fillies.

“I suppose I’ll start with the elephant in the room, it’ll probably have…”

“There’s no elephant here!” The orange filly interrupted,

“It’s a sayin’, Scoots” The yellow one explained as the pegasus gave an ‘oh’.

Phalanx waited as they slowly quieted themselves and started to speak as his eyes glazed over.

“I’ve done a few too many, I was deployed for five out of eight total years. A few times to Griffin border, once at Stalliongrad and I was stationed in Canterlot during the Changeling Invasion.” Phalanx took a deep breath as he readied himself for what came next, “there were those you had no mercy for, there were those I questioned. There are those that hang with me. The first time was shocking, I was in slow-mo mode of actually being in my first dogfight. Then my buddy died, the griffon was there, about 4 hooves, about to kill me, he got stabbed Celestia knows how many times. I was shaking and almost got sick, BUT I snapped back into it! There was another later that night by a blast from a unicorn, the gore was unbearable.”

The shocked expressions of the five listeners was lost on Phalanx as he fought the raging inferno of emotion as he talked about what he’d done for the first time in years. He closed his eyes and took a steadying breath.

“A few years later and a few dogfights later I was in Canterlot, facing off in the biggest battle of my career. It was at least 300 to 50, my squad was patrolling the west end of Canterlot when the shield fell. I killed eight, all of them breathing their last breath on me. One I circled for a solid two minutes second guessing myself because it looked like a colt, never the less a colt firing green bolts of magic into our left flank. I am now desensitized to the whole period, but today I highly value life and will avoid a fight or a confrontation no matter what.”

Phalanx felt his blood start to boil as he met looks of fear from the three fillies, their coats visibly lighter, as the two sisters only sat there with their jaws wide open as Phalanx spoke. He soon realized he was glaring at the three and sank back and took a quick sip of lemonade as he looked down in shame.

“I am very different than what I use to be, I use to like doing things, creating stuff, having friends. Now I am ‘that stallion’, I live alone after destroying my relationships one by one. I am selfish, alone and with limited support. The fact that I have awards that very clearly mention me killing at first was awesome, but now I look at it as ‘evidence’ in a way and think I will put it away forever. Ponies who knew me in the past say I’m a completely different stallion, I’m sure I am. I can’t talk about anything because ponies just want to know if I killed somepony, and the ones who are talking are actually the liars. Very few, in fact zero, have been in as many dogfights as me and brag about it! In fact at work nopony has one flippin' clue I was in the Guard because frankly, this hero shit makes me cringe.”

Phalanx wiped a few tears away from his eyes as he started to raise his voice, the three fillies holding themselves close but the damn had long since bursted and Phalanx knew he couldn’t stop now.

“I did a job I loved for awhile, did I protect harmony? Buck no! I miss my friends. I miss the old me that liked racing in the skies and singing, I’m now a ‘weirdo’ that can hardly get somepony to speak to me for 20 minutes outside of work.”

The tears came back as Phalanx’s voice started to crack, not bothering to hide the pain inside him any longer, “the damage is done and it’s up to me to fix it myself. But all in all, I don’t actually care anymore. I have overanalyzed so many situations that I force fed myself a belief that nopony could ever change. It was them or me, and I won and I just got lucky and kept winning. We are suppose to live in a society that values life but they don’t! They surely don’t when they martyr their own 10 year old children so they can go to heaven, some say we do the same and I guess they are right. My only hope now is to survive, survive the guilt, the dreams, the hidden PTSD that will surely surface one day. Some say I deserve it and I say they deserve it, somepony will surely have to do it to somepony else, it’s the only thing us animals are good at killing each other.”

Phalanx panted as he looked down and closed his eyes, he could hear the sound of sobbing coming from in front of him. Soon movement was heard as the two mares got up and moved to the cowering children.

“Come along Sweetie, I think Mr. Phalanx has shared enough” whispered a sweet voice as soon the other mare gave her own agreement. Soon the sound of the shuffling of hooves went towards the door, which was opened and soon was closed and Phalanx was once again alone in the silent house. Phalanx soon found himself mentally exhausted and alone once again.