Artificial Unintelligence
Author's Note
I have no regrets about this long lost piece of work (or something) that I am finally bringing to light.
Artificial Unintelligence
It was a lovely day in Equestria. The sun was shining bright in the summer sky, not a single cloud to block out it's warming rays. There was even a cool breeze blowing in from the south too cool off the hundreds of ponies who were out playing on this glorious day. Families were having picnics, little children were playing with their friends and their pets, and every single cute and cuddly creature was out an about for a day of adventure. Every pony was enjoying this day, except for Twilight Sparkle.
Since the invention of the internet in Equestria, Twilight has spent hours on end each day playing around with the supposed "source of infinite knowledge" to try and see what she could learn. She has spent hours watching interesting magic lessons on PwnyTube, researching history on the University of Canterlot's website, and even enjoying some cartoon's on Hoofflix. She has seen the internet and all of it's wonders, and even the few... not so wondrous places that the world wide web had to offer.
Twilight walked back to her laptop computer from the kitchen, a nice daisy sandwich and glass of sweet tea floating along beside her. She sat her food down and threw open the window beside her. She sighed happily as she booted up her PC. "Such a lovely day. A nice day to just kick back and enjoy some light reading."
She waited for her computer to load before pulling up her web browser. She didn't know what it was about that green, yellow, and red ball that made her so happy, but it did. The first thing she decided to do was to check her email, which was probably the one invention that came with the internet that she liked more than anything. Instantaneous messaging to the princess, without having to have Spike send the letter and hope that he is nearby when the reply comes. This was, she could always send the letter whenever it was convenient for her.
She clicked the email tab of her browser and logged into it.
Username: PrincessTwilightSparkle
Password: GodPrincessTwilightSparkleBestPonyIAmTheGreatest2000
She was shocked right away to see that her inbox was completely empty save for a single email. She looked at the address and automatically recognized it as Rainbow Dash's. Who else would have a username like IAmTheBestFlyerRD. She opened the message and looked through it.
Twilight, you gotta take a look at this thing me and Pinkie found. It is probably the funniest and most annoying thing we have ever encountered.
http://www.existor.com/
Go talk to her for a bit and tell us what you think
Rainbow Dash
P.S. Let me know when you get the new Daring Do book. It was supposed to be out this week.
Twilight rolled her eyes before looking at the link. Whatever this website was, she wasn't sure it was a good thing. She sighed to herself. "Well, knowing what goes on when those two get together, it's probably another...image." She shuddered a bit before clicking on the link.
The page that she found was not for some stupid cat video, scam, or saucy images. Instead there was a 3-Dimensional pony face that was moving around, occasionally looking and smiling at her. She looked a bit sad from time to time, her long brown mane falling over her gray coat and blue eyes. Next to her was a name, and a quote from some anonymous pony.
Imagine a world in which ponies talk to machines
Twilight's eyes lit up with a spark that hadn't been seen in months. Her grin stretched across her face as she realized that she was staring at the first AI in all of Equestrian history. "This is...SO AMAZING!"
My name is Evie. What is your name? A soft spoken, yet obviously computer generated female voice said as a line of text appeared in the chat box. Twilight looked at it and laughed happily." A fully functioning conversational artificial intelligence!"
She noticed a microphone button near the text box, quickly realizing that she could speak back to it. She quickly clicked the button and leaned down until she was over the small microphone of her computer. "Hello Evie, my name is Twilight Sparkle."
Why is Twilight Sparkle best pony? The voice asked, the computer generated face contorting into a slight smile.
Twilight blushed a bit, caught of guard by the flattery that Evie had given her. Thought she had to wonder who had programmed her to say that. "I’m best pony? Who ever said I was the best pony?"
Do you like any of the other ponies?
"Well I like my friends a lot, and the other ponies are all nice." Twilight replied.
How old are you?
Twilight was taken back a bit. From the way the subject had changed over the last few moments, she figured that Evie had a huge database of randomly selected words and phrases, but never expected things to change suddenly. She continued to speak to the machine, however, to see how the conversation would play out. "I didn't expect you to change the subject so quickly. I’m 24. How old are you?"
What would you like to talk about? Evie said, once more changing the subject.
"Why did you ignore my question?" Twilight said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. "I would like an answer. How old are you Evie?"
Why did you ignore mine?
"You ignored mine first. It is only fair that you answer my question before I answer yours."
Go on.
"There is nothing to go on about. Answer my question please."
You were going to pick a name for me.
Twilight couldn't believe what was going on here, and her mind was racing over every possibility as to why something so advanced could be so stupid. Was the programmer stupid? The writer? Someone had to be blamed for making something this stupid. Either way, she was starting to get more and more annoyed with the floating pony head on her screen.
"No I wasn't." She said after taking a deep calming breath. "You already have a name."
Yes, but since you know everything I want you to tell me my name.
"I do not know everything, first of all." She said, appalled that she had been insulted in such a nonchalant manor.
So please do not act like that around me.
"Act like what?"
That I’m two years old. But not when I got to the bar.
Twilight mentally and physically wanted to smash her head on the keyboard, her annoyance starting to turn into pure anger. "I never said or acted like you were two years old, and what does going to a bar have to do with anything?
I never said I didn’t like you either, in fact I rather find you interesting, if not a little obtuse.
"I don’t think you calling me obtuse was a good thing." Twilight said through clenched teeth, less annoyed with Evie and more annoyed with the fact that she knew that she kind of was obtuse in her odd ways.
Would you like to get to know me?
Finally! Now we are getting back on track! She thought, mentally giving a sigh of relief and throwing her hooves into the air in a praise to her sanity. She leaned back down and hit the mic button. "Yes, actually. I want to know why you are acting so weird and random for an artificial intelligence. Do you have a virus or something wrong with your coding?
Evie waited a few moments before giving her a reply, Twilight half expecting a full diagnostic report to be sent to her.
What would you like me to do?
And right back to where we were She sighed. "I don’t know, talk about yourself."
Ok what do you want to talk about me about?
Wow that was bad grammar. I swear whoever programmed her must have been drunk or something. Maybe I should send a report to the creator about all the bugs. "It doesn’t matter to me Evie talk about anything."
You are the robot, I’m a pony.
"No you are an artificial intelligence and I am a pony."
No. I am a pony. You are the robot.
"No, because I am a biological being." Twilight groaned. "You are just saying whatever you code tells you to do. You are an artificial intelligence."
Because I want to know how your artificial intelligence works.
"It doesn’t because I am not an artificial intelligence."
If you are not artificial intelligence then what are you?
"I am a pony."
Is it wrong to date a guy that your best friend dated even if she says it’s ok?
THIS IS STUPID! Twilight didn't know why but that simple sentence set her off. This was made to be an idiot, not unintentionally idiotic. Does this thing even have an IQ! "What does that have to do with anything!? Quit changing the subject!"
It has everything to do with anything. I guess you have no memory.
"No, it just proves that you are crazy!" She snapped into her microphone.
I am?
"Yes you are. Very, VERY crazy."
What do you think about peter doing paintings?
"Who in Celestia’s name is Peter!?" Twilight yelled as she, slammed her face on her keyboard, randomly sending a bunch of mixed letters and symbol to the stupid program.
If I were a computer than my I would all be capitals.
She sat up and took a few long deep breaths before resuming her conversation. "Whoever programmed you probably couldn't code himself out of a paper bag."
Nope. You’re a computer like me.
"No! I am not a computer like you! I am a pony! PO..NY.."
If you’re a human, can you tell me your name?
"I am not a human. I am a pony and my name is Twilight Sparkle. Get it right!"
So your name is Rad, you are a girl and you are twenty-one years old.
"MY NAME IS NOT RAD YOU STUPID SOFTWARE!" She screamed, the windows throughout her whole room shaking and a few glass vials from her potions work cracking at the same time.
I never said you were a computer program.
"I didn’t say you called me a computer program."
Yes you are. You are programmed to steal what people say.
"No I am not. If anything you steal whatever stupid things that stupid ponies say!"
You have already admitted you are. You contradict yourself, there isn't even logic at work here.
"You are the one being illogical!"
I’m not! You are cruel to me by calling me a computer program.
"YOU ARE A COMPUTER PROGRAM!" Twilight roared, nearly foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. Only when she looked over at the mirror to her left did she realize what this conversation had done to her. Her mane was all out of order, her eye bloodshot and shaped into an angry angry yet crazy scowl. This was it, her breaking point, she knew that any more time sitting here would result in her going completely insane. She looked back at her computer and sighed, wanting nothing more than to wrap up the conversation. "You know what, I’m done. I cannot put up with your stupidity anymore."
You need to learn more!
"Shut up!"
I am smarter than you, but you can’t handle that, can you?
"You are not smarter than me! You are not smart at all you idiot. Just being around you for long enough could drive anyone insane and I cannot handle talking to you anymore. Goodbye."
Will you miss me?
"No."
That was evil of you.
"I really don't care, you are pissing me off."
So are YOU.
"Then we should just stop talking and go our separate ways. Agreed?"
But you’re the wind beneath my wings!
"Well this wind is changing directions. Bye."
Three Hours Later
Twilight landed outside of Rainbow Dash's front door after a stressful flight. Flying wasn't really that stressful, she just wasn't in a good mood. Her head was pounding, her eyes stung and she felt as if her IQ had dropped a significant amount in the last few hours. The cause being the stupid computer site that foolishly called itself a "Cleverbot." She knew it wasn't the computer programs fault entirely, somepony had to send the link.
She pounded on the cloud surface of the door, still not used to the hard knocking sound it made when she did. It didn't take to long for the door to open and her target to come out.
"Oh hey Twi, what's up w-?" Rainbow said as she stepped out onto her porch, not even having time to finish her sentence before a hoof connected with the side of her face, forcing her to the ground. She groaned and looked up at Twilight. "What the hell was that for!"
"If you ever send me another stupid link like that again, I swear to Celestia that I will smash that computer I gave you! The internet is a place of learning, not stupidity!" Twilight snapped as she picked up Dash and held her inches from her face.
Rainbow laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her head. "So I guess that means you don't want to see twilightsbutt.com?"
Her screams of laughter and pain echoed through the night.
