My Little Guardians of Thrones: Night at the Roxbury

by Dash Attack

Rating: teen
Tags: Owlowiscious, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Alternate Universe
Length: 2771

Hodor, Groot, and Owlicious. Inspired by the SNL/Movie/Meme staring Owlicious, Hodor, and Groot.

Game of Thrones Season 4 Spoilers Warning

There names are Hodor, Groot, and Owlicious

How they got here is unimportant. How a simpleton from a medical fantasy world learned to drive is irrelevant. Why a talking tree man and an owl are trying to get lucky with human ladies is of little interest. How and when these character met.... may be explained in a prequel if you really need to know. Either way, three verbally challenged gents will be crashing New York's finest club for a night of drinking, dancing, and humping.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash pesters Tony Stark for an Iron Mare suite and Twilight and Cersei Lannister have an awkward chat about sibling love.

My Little Pony x Game of Thrones x Marvel Cinematic Universe X Night at The Roxbury
Cover art poorly photoshoped by me.

Published 2014-11-20 05:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-20 05:20:07 UTC

What is love, Baby don't hurt me

9:30 PM

New York City

Play Music

New York City. A place of magic, partying, sex, drinking, dancing, and even more sex. At least, that’s how these three bachelors saw it, as they sped down Times Square in a stolen Sedan, all while bobbing their heads in rhythm to Haddaway. It was as if they had all been put into a trance, or perhaps that was the case? Since the merging of worlds, this odd group of three had formed a bond that transcended time and space itself. But now, the owl assistant, the simpleton, and the tree-man from space were ready to conquer New York and its many clubs.

“Whoo!” Owlowiscious cried  from the passenger seat. After the destruction of his home at the hands of a demon-centaur... thing, the young owl had a crisis of mortality, which is why he left Princess Twilight in search of some sweet human flank.

“Hodor!” Hodor replied in agreement while clutching the reins (steering wheel) of their cast twelfth-street rains of their gas guzzling chariot (auto-mobile). How a mentally challenged man heralding from a world that had yet to discover fossil fuel learned to drive, we may never know. Unlike Owlowiscious, who came from a land where friendship was magic, Hodor came from a world where friendship can get you stabbed in the back. After getting brainwashed by a man called Bran one too many times, Hodor decided to get up and leave the cripple and find himself some hotties on Earth. It was a difficult decision to make, but he hoped that the Seven would understand.

“I am Groot!” interjected the giant figure from the backseat in response to Hodor. Groot was a strange tree based life form who was a member of a ragtag team of a-holes calle The Guardians of the Galaxy. Out of the three of them, Groot had the most developed vocabulary, which he was sure would help in his quest to “put the wood” to the ladies of earth. Having recently learned about “the sex” from his good friend Peter Quill, and how beautiful Earth women are, the tree man decided that he traveled ther for himself.

The verbally challenged trio continued to bob their heads in tune with the song, as they cruised down the streets of the city in search of its finest clubs for a night of drinking, booze, girls, dancing, and if Celestia, God, Odin, or The Seven were permitting it, sex.

10:25 PM

The Roxbury

Cersei Lannister was sitting at end of a bar, as ponies and humans danced to horrid music that had neither a story or even lyrics. What compelled her to come here, of all places to relieve herself of her sorrow in this alien world of lights and machinery, she wondered? After experiencing not one, but two tragedies, orchestrated by her treacherous dwarf brother, the former Queen of Westeros had fallen into a state of depression. The alcohol provided in her world was no longer going to cut it, she had told herself, upon leaving King’s Landing. Now however, she wished she had just stayed. At least Jamie would be there.

“You know the Renaissance Fair is happening in Jersey, don’t you?” said a man in a business suit who had been sitting next to her. “Or, wait! Don’t tell me! You’re here for that silly comic convention they have at the city every year.”

Cersei turned to glare at the man. “I may be a stranger to this world,” she said with disgust. “But where I come from, the lowborn don’t talk down to the highborn, especially to royalty.”

“Ahh, you’re from one of those other worlds,” he said with intrigue. “Well, if that’s how the class system works where you're from, you don’t have to worry. I’m the farthest thing from the niddy-nine percenter. Name’s Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man, former weapons manufacture turned super hero. It’s a long story-”

Tony stopped midsentence as he watched Cerici draw a dagger and hold it by his throat.

“Odd… normally we get to a bed first before this happens.”

Cersie put the blade closer to Tony’s neck and gritted her teeth. “You Starks think you are so resilient. I don’t know what relation you have to who,  but there aren’t many of you left. If it’s vengeance you seek, you won’t be getting it from me.”

“Ma’ma,” Tony responds as he backs away slightly. “I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not from your world. Please put the knife down or I am going to repel you into that wall.”

“Is everything ok Tony? Uh- I mean, Mr. Stark?” a new voice called down from above.

Cersie and Tony turned to see a rainbow-maned Pegasus flying down from above. The weapon maker poked Cersei in the back. “I’d put the knife away from the the flying horse,” he whispered.

Although normally not willing to comply with the demands of others, the former queen withdrew her weapon and placed it back into its sheath, before the Pegasus could look at it.

“Ah, Rainbow Butter… Sunshine… Strawberry Jam?...” Tony paused as he struggled to remember the creature's name. “Sorry, I normally remember the names of my stalkers better than this.”

The creature landed on the seat next to him and gave him a slight glare. “It’s Rainbow Dash! Not that hard to remember. I thought you were supposed to be a genius! Are you sure somepony else didn’t make that awesome flight suit?”

Tony facepalmed and took a long deep breath. It seemed like he just avoided one bad situation, only to fall into another. “Look, I did make the suit, but I told you before you can’t have one. It take me at least two weeks to build and modify, plus giving it to you would be like giving an eight year old girl weapons=grade uranium. Its not  happening.”

Rainbow Dash sighed and called to the waiter to fix her a martini. “First off Mr.Stark, I am an adult, believe it or not. And second, I’m also kind of a superhero where I’m from. I might not have any fancy powers, but me and my team of avengers have defeated several baddies with the power of friendship.”

Tony just nodded his head and smiled. “Of course you have!”

“Just please, Mr. Stark,” Rainbow said, “your Iron Man suits are just so freaking cool, and I need to have one.”

“Oh there you are Lady Cersie!” cried another voice from behind them. The three of them turned to see another pony.

“Oh, hey Twilight!” Rainbow Dash waved. “You came to check out if the drinks here are as good as they are back home, right?”

The Alicorn giggled. “I’m not that big on drinking Rainbow. I’m just here to catch up with Mrs. Cersei and learn all about Westeros. I ran into her a few days ago and she said she would meet me at the Cheesecake factory earlier today, but I think she forgot. Luckily, I was able to track her down using the interdimensional trail of particles that…

As Twilight continued to rant, Tony quietly nudges Cersei. “Looks like you got a stalker from ponyland too? You know, for a lady that was tempted to publicly murder me, I suddenly feel sorry for you.”

Cersei took a long deep breath before turning to Twilight, mustering a fake smile. “I’m sorry if I forgot our appointment.” she lied, cheerfully.  “Well, I’m here now.”

Twilight eyes lit up with excitement as she fluttered over the nearest bar stool. “I promise this won’t take any time at all!”

“Just wait till my drink comes first, my sweet.” she said. “I need to get drunk first before I can tell you anything.”

The excited look on Twilight's face turned into one of confusions. “Uh… ok.” she said quizzically.

After a couple of drinks Cersei told Twilight all of the gruesome details of her life. Her conspiracy to put her son on the throne, all the terrible things he did when he got it, and how her snarky dwarf brother murdered him before her eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” Twilight said, who was greatly bothered by the former queens tale. “All this was no doubt very unfortunate, but at least you have two other children who aren't… well…” she struggled to find the right word to describe Joffrey without upsetting her. “cruel sadists.”

“I know he was a monster.” she said. “But he was my child. Me and my brother him brought him into our world with our love. He died not knowing who his true father really was. Had circumstances been different, I would have loved for him to have know the truth.”

The princess of friendship was about to follow up with some more words of comfort, when her brain picked up on what exactly the queen was saying.

“Wait!” Twilight said in shock. "You and your brother.. “That’s disgusting.”

Cersei narrowed her eyes angrily at the princess. “Tell me then, my little pony, do you have a brother?”

Twilight nodded. “I do, and he is one of the most important ponies in my life.”

Cersei chuckled. “If he’s that important too you, surely the two of you have made love at least once.”

Twilight was beyond baffled by Cersei ’s lack of morality at this. “He’s my brother! How could you! And he’s married.”

“So was I when I had Joffery,” she exclaimed. “That didn't stop my husband from fucking every whore in Flea Bottom. I suggest the next time you see this brother of your’s, you please him in ways only a sibling can provide.”

Twilight was about to say something when the doors to the club suddenly burst open, as loud music began to play from nowhere in particular.

“I AM GROOOT!”

“HOODOORRR!”

“WHOOOO!”

Hodor, Groot, and Owlowiscious take to the dance floor, their heads bobbing sideways as they do. They then proceeded to thrust themselves against any female they could find in a very suggestive manner.

“Owlowiscious!” Twilight screamed! “What the heck is he doing here!”

“Jarvis,” Tony shouted into his wrist watch communicator. “Do a scan on that tree and get me out of here right now!” Within moments, machine parts began to gather around Tony as his Iron Man suit assembled itself. Once completed, the trillionaire activated his thrusts and flew straight through the ceiling. Tony sighed in relief as he let his butler AI take control of the suit. However, his face tensed up again when he saw a small speeding object on his HUD radar.

“Jarvis?” Tony asked in confusion. “Did someone in that club just fire a heat seeking missile at me?”

“It appears your equine friend is trying to catch up with you sir,” the AI replied. “Sensors indicated she’s accelerating at velocity that she logically should be impossible with regards to her size and wingspan.”

“Well, if magic could be explained it wouldn't be magic, now would it Jarvis,” Tony said sarcastically. “Set a course for Stark Tower. Got to give this little squirt credit, she’s a much more persistent pest than Washington.”

Meanwhile back at the Roxberry, all hell was breaking loose, as the three bachelors awkwardly thrust themselves on every female they could find.

“Hodor!” roared the gentle giant as he thrusted his pelvis against a random women.

“Whooo!” cried the owls as he pecked at the hair of nearby blond after he thought he saw a worm.

“I Am Groot!” The tree man screamed as he joined Hodor in his pelvic thrusting giving new meaning to the phrase ‘putting the wood’ to someone.

At this point, security was called in to help restrain them, but between the Owlowiscious’s speed and Groot’s and Hodor’s bulk, there was just no stopping them.

It was then that Twilight decided to take action. With a serious look in her eyes, she turned to Cersei, who was still causally drinking even amidst the chaos. “I’m going to try and stop them.” she assured the former Queen. “I’m sorry your world is plagued with so much hate and violence lady Lannister, but please, never talk about me and Shining Armor that way again.”

“If only our gods cared as much as yours.” she sneered as she continued to drown herself with alcohol. “Run along princess. Save the day, and remember that in my world, friendship holds no more magic than a deck of cards.”

12:00 A.M

Outside The Club

Using her magic, Twilight was able to restrain the three bachelors long enough for Black Widow and S.H.I.E.L.D. to arrived and take Groot and Hodor to a containment facility. Owlowiscious, being Twilight's pet was less of threat, securely locked inside a bird cage as his owner reprimanded him.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Owlowiscious.” Twilight scolded, the poor owl covered his eyes  in shame before his master. “Hopefully we can find a good way to discipline you when we get back home to the castle.”

By this point Cersei had all but passed out from having one too many. She was being loaded onto an ambulance via a stretcher when an elderly man in brown rags approached the orderlies.

“Please, allow me to attend to Lady Cersei. My name is Grand Maester Pycelle, and it is my duty to adhere to her care.”

Upon hearing his voice, Cersei  jumped up off the stretcher and made a break for it, only to trip and land on her face.

“The seven be damned.” she said. “What is that buffoon even doing here?”

While everyone’s attention was drawn to Cersei?, Groot shifted his form and shattered the restraints S.H.I.E.L.D. had put around his arms.

“I am Groot!” He screamed, as he whipfistead the agents that were escorting them.

“Hodor! Hodor!” Hodor cried as he lifted his arms out to Groot to free him. With his arms free, the tree man effortless crushed the simpletons entrants into dust.

“Splendid!” Black Widow muttered before turning her attention to one of her operatives. “Contact Fury and get him to send reinforc....”.

Before she could finish, Hodor dive bombed her and crushed and pinned her down under his bulk.

At the same exact time, Groot and Twilight were battling over Owlowiscious cage.

“I am Groot!”

“I don’t care who you are, you're not taking my… hey!”

While Twilight had been busy casting spells at Groot, the tree man had used his extending branch arms to grab the cage right from under her nose. She was about to blast him with magic when Groot used his free arm to tree slap her into a nearby car, setting off the alarm in the process.

“Whooo!” Owlowiscious cheered victoriously.

“Hodor!” replied Hodor as he lifted himself off from a now unconsious Black Widow.

Thus, the three friends outran S.H.I.E.L.D, stole another car, and continued to cause mayhem  throughout the night.

12:35 AM

Stark Tower

“So you’ll do it?!” Dash asked excitedly as she flew right into Tony's face.

Tony sighed in defeat. “I still feel like I’m giving a nuke to a child, but it’s getting to the point where I wish I took Barner's offer for more counseling sessions. I’ll get your own suit, but I’m installing a kill-switch that will shut it down should it become a problem for either world.”

The news caused Rainbow Dash to do several somersaults in the air in celebration. “OMG OMG OMG OMG… thank you Tony thank you.”

She then divedbombed Tony and hugged him tight, gently brushing her mane into his side. The weapons tycoon sighed and brushed his hands over his face. However, not even Tony Stark could resist smiling when he saw how cute she looked when she smiled. He began to gently pet her like a cat or a puppy.”

“Just remember to be responsible with it, kid.” he says. “I’m only doing this because I want you out of my hair.”

“Peh” Rainbow Dash said. “I don’t care, as long as I get my Iron Mare suit.”

“You know, you have a really big ego kid.” Tony chuckled.

“Look who’s talking Mr. ‘I’m Tony Stark and I can do whatever I want cause I’m a genius weapons tycoon who doesn't like to share!’”

“It’s only to keep it away from those who use them for evil. In the past, bad people used my weapons to murder innocents. I’m not letting that happen again. However, unless you’re devastating me, I doubt you're a terrorist or even a warmonger. What possible harm could a little pony do with one of my suits?”

To Be Continued in a future one shot…maybe?