Blockheads In A Strange Land

by derpyland

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Discord, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3634

Two humans find themselves in the abandoned land of Equestria. Their attempts to discover the truth about that world are foiled by their incredible incompetence (and by Discord, but mostly by their incompetence).

Due to an equipment malfunction, two humans find themselves in Equestria. (What an original concept – I know, right?) However, Equestria is no longer a magical land of talking ponies. The world is now completely deserted – home to only ruins.

The two humans try to figure out what happened, but they are foiled by their incredible stupidity. Then they run into Discord, and, well…

Published 2014-09-06 13:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-06 13:30:02 UTC

Truth Is Hard To Find If You Lack A Brain

The land of Equestria had been empty for a long, long time (at least a week – maybe longer). No animals prowled its domain. No plants grew in its abandoned cities. No clouds floated in the sky, and no rain fell to the ground. The moon hung overhead, never moving and never setting. It was a barren realm.

Then one day, to its great surprise, it wasn’t empty anymore. (That is to say, it would have been surprised, if land was capable of expressing emotion. But sadly, it wasn’t, so this momentous event went unnoticed by this vast and uncaring land.) Two new occupants – both a bit startled – suddenly popped into existence.

These new occupants were members of the human race. One of them was a lanky teenager – a tall young lad with unkempt red hair. He was wearing a shirt that had been white at one point in its existence, along with tattered blue jeans and a pair of sandals that were on the verge of total collapse. If the land of Equestria was able to talk (which it was not) and had asked this lad his name, he would have revealed that his parents named him Denny.

The second person was a rather distinguished-looking fool who wore horn-rimmed glasses, patent-leather shoes, and a nice brown suit and tie. He bore the unfortunate name of Dr. Wendell Finley. In his hand he was holding a magical little box that explains how they got to Equestria – I mean, that is to say, he was holding a very scientific brass transmitter that was filled with clever scientific parts. Dr. Finley was staring at the transmitter in his hand with a look of vast surprise, because it had not worked the way he intended. Now, if the good professor had been honest with himself he would have to admit that nothing he invented had ever done what he intended it to do. But that is a story for another time.

“You know, professor, I don’t think that thing worked quite right,” Denny commented. “This doesn’t look anything like Paris.”

And indeed Denny was right. The land of Equestria – once home to a remarkable race of talking ponies – did not, in fact, resemble Paris in any way. At one time it had been teeming with life, but now it was empty and dark. In the dim moonlight Denny could see the ruins of what had once been Canterlot itself. The steady passage of time had reduced the once-mighty city to crumbling piles of stone. (At least, I think it was the passage of time. It may have been something else, but let’s just assume it was the passage of time and move on with the story.) Sadly for Denny’s sake, he had no way of knowing that he was in the city of Canterlot, because the city couldn’t tell him. After all, cities can’t talk – not even in the magical land of talking ponies.

Dr. Finley looked around the immediate area and started nodding his head excitedly. “You’re quite right, my lad – quite right! I say, this isn’t Paris at all – or New York, for that matter. I think we’ve discovered an entirely new country. Imagine that!”

“Actually, I think we’ve discovered a rather old country,” Denny commented. “There’s nothing remotely ‘new’ about this place.”

“Quite so, quite so – I rather see what you mean. Perhaps we can find someone around here who can tell us the name of this land. Then we can return home and tell the world what grand new thing we have discovered.”

Denny looked a bit concerned. (Truthfully, he should have looked a lot concerned, but he didn’t know that yet.) “Are you sure that we can get home, professor? I mean, you said your machine would take us to Paris, and it didn’t. How do you plan on getting back?”

Dr. Finley carefully placed the brass transmitter in his pocket. “Oh, not to worry, lad, not to worry. I’m sure it was just a minor hiccup – nothing to worry about. When it’s time to go I’ll just initialize contact and establish a connection, and we’ll be home just like that.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound too bad,” Denny said slowly. “Still, don’t you think we should try it – just to make sure it works? I’d hate to be stuck here forever. It’s kind of gloomy here, you know, and I don’t see any restaurants anywhere. Whatever would we eat?”

Dr. Finley vigorously shook his head. “Lad, that’s just exactly what we shouldn’t do. After all, what if it worked? What if my invention brought us home, and then we couldn’t get back here again? The odds of us ever arriving here again are one in a million! No, I say before we return home we should take a thorough look around this marvelous new place. Let’s meet the locals and see what they have to say.”

Denny looked around. “What locals? All I see are broken buildings – and if the moon wasn’t so close and so bright it’d be hard to see even that. I don’t see any signs of life at all. There aren’t even any bugs.”

“It does seem a bit lifeless here,” the professor admitted. He looked around and pointed to a structure in the distance. “I say we ought to head in that direction, to that rather imposing building. It seems to be more or less intact, and it’s bigger than everything else around here. Perhaps we’ll find something there to tell us about the race that once lived in this land.”

As the two humans made their way down the deserted street to what had once been Canterlot Castle, Denny spoke up again. “So what do you think happened here?”

The professor shrugged. “It was probably an apocalypse of some kind. Perhaps they ran out of water or bread. Maybe zombies invaded, or perhaps the undead got out of their graves and ate everyone. It also could have been the plumbing, I suppose. We’ll just have to see when we get there.”

So the two humans walked along the ancient, deserted streets. If the streets could talk they could have told them many stories about the ponies who once inhabited that world. They could have explained why ponykind had chosen to leave Equestria, and pointed out that the city’s plumbing system was quite adequate and functional. But, sadly, the streets were utterly speechless. Since the stones could not cry out, the professor was left to ponder the probabilities of a zombie invasion, while his student wondered if the extra credit he was supposed to receive for all this was really worth the trouble.

After a very tiring walk of almost five whole minutes, the pair walked through the ruined door of the castle. Sadly, there wasn’t a whole lot left to look at. The red carpet had long ago decayed into dust. The ceiling was gone and the floor was littered with bits of stone. The walls were still standing, but the furnishings and tapestries were gone. Amazingly, though, most of the stained glass windows were still intact.

“Now there’s a spot of luck,” the professor said excitedly. “Just look at that! Why, those windows contain priceless information. I bet they’ll tell us the whole history of this place.”

Denny looked confused. “Why would they do that? Aren’t windows supposed to, you know, let in light from outside? Isn’t that what they’re for?”

“But just look at them, lad. The moonlight illuminates them beautifully! These windows have pictures in them. They’re works of art – and full of meaning; I’m sure of it. All we need to do is figure out what they’re trying to tell us.”

As the professor strolled down to the hall, gazing in rapture at the windows that had amazingly survived when so many other things had been destroyed, Denny walked up to the nearest intact window and looked up at it. It depicted two winged unicorns – a white one and a dark blue one. The ponies were actually the alicorn princesses Celestia and Luna, but Denny didn’t know that – and sadly, he never would.

“So what does that window mean?” Denny asked his professor.

The professor studied it intently. “Well, lad, it’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? The white pony appears against a backdrop of suns, and the other one is against a backdrop of moons. At first glance it appears that the artist was using ponies as a metaphor to represent the day-night cycle.”

“But why? I mean, did they think that people would forget what day and night were?”

“Now there’s an insightful question! Let’s dig a little deeper. If you look closely you’ll see that the sun pony is at the top and the moon pony is at the bottom. This iconography can only mean that at this point in their history, civilization was being eclipsed by darkness. The sun was about to set, metaphorically speaking, and evil was going to cover the land. The fact that it’s dark outside is proof of that interpretation. This window is a warning of impending doom.”

“But isn’t it always dark outside at night?” Denny asked.

“Of course, but how do you know that the darkness isn’t permanent? What if the sun hasn’t risen in centuries, or even millennia?”

“Well, in that case I would expect it to be really super cold. But – I mean, what could stop the sun from rising? It’s not like the sunrise is a manual process.”

Denny had no way of knowing this, but in Equestria the sunrise actually was a manual process. Since there were no longer any ponies in this world, the moon had stayed in the sky for a very long time. But the moon could not talk, and so Denny’s ignorance went uncorrected.

“Perhaps the next window will give us a clue,” the professor said aloud. He walked down the hallway a short distance until he found another intact window. This one depicted a dark winged unicorn, raring up on its two hind legs. Below it were six much smaller ponies. Rays of light connected the smaller ponies to the giant dark one.

The professor gestured at it excitedly. “You see, Denny? This proves my point!”

Denny looked confused. “Really? But how? That picture could mean anything.”

“Nonsense, my boy! In this picture, evil is obviously triumphant. We can see that the dark pony – which clearly symbolizes darkness, night, and therefore evil in general – has triumphed. That’s why it is located at the top of the picture. The six smaller ponies are at the bottom of the picture, which means they were crushed by evil. Why, this must have been what destroyed civilization! The race who lived here attempted to confront the evil of their time, but they were defeated by it. The darkness was ascendant.”

“Really?” Denny asked, uncertain. “And after that happened they commissioned a stained glass window about it, during the destruction of their whole world? Are you sure?”

“Positive! Why, look at the next window down. In that window the pony of darkness is all alone, and is wearing a crown and has a purple starburst over her head. She has clearly triumphed over everything. That can only mean that the forces of evil rose out of the shadows and defeated everyone. It’s quite likely that this is proof of some sort of zombie-like epidemic. The dead literally defeated the living, leaving only darkness behind. Yes, it’s all right there, plain as day.”

The picture that had so excited Dr. Finley actually depicted Twilight Sparkle, and captured her ascendance into alicornhood. If he had looked a little closer he would have noticed that she was not the same color as the Nightmare in the other window. If he had been exceptionally wise he might have noticed that Nightmare Moon was being defeated, not winning. But the good professor was never one to let a few minor details get in the way of a good theory.

Dr. Finley excitedly rubbed his hands together. “Yes, lad, I think we’ve got the whole story right here. A plague must have broken out and caused the dead to come back to life. Eventually the plague killed everyone and civilization was destroyed. In order to warn others about what happened and save them from a similar fate, they built these windows.”

“But what about that one?” Denny asked. He pointed further down the hall at yet another piece of stained glass. This one was a bit different. At the top was a truly strange, snake-like creature, made of up what appeared to be a random assortment of animal parts. Below the creature were three ponies, which were connected to it by a series of puppet strings.

“Fascinating,” the professor said as he studied it. “This must have been made in memory of a great puppeteer who was very dear to the hearts of those who once lived here. Apparently puppets were an integral part of this society. Since the creature at the top of the window is made up of many different parts, that must symbolize–”

The creature in the window cut him off. “My dear professor, I’m afraid I simply must stop you right there. It appears there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I’m afraid you’ve got it all wrong.”

The creature in the glass window stretched its arms, yawned, and then assumed a sitting position. It looked at the professor with a bemused look on its face. “First of all, my appearance is not symbolic. Unlike you humans, who are rather boring-looking, I am composed of a wide assortment of parts. I’m part horse, part goat, part snake, part eagle, part bat, part – well, you get the point.”

“Fascinating,” the professor said quietly. “A talking window! Now there’s some technology for you.”

“Really?” The being in the window looked slightly exasperated. “You truly believe that a window is talking to you?”

Denny spoke up. “Well, not to be rude or anything, but you are a window and you are talking to us, right? Did I miss something?”

The creature sighed and snapped his left talon. Instantly the figure in the window disappeared and a real-life draconequus appeared in front of them. Denny was surprised at how large he was. He thought he looked rather imposing – and slightly sinister.

“Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Discord. I happened to notice your arrival into–”

“Your name is what?” Denny interrupted.

“Discord. I am the Lord of Chaos, the Master of Disharmony. It is my job – my solemn duty – to add spice and adventure to your drab little lives. And believe me, your lives are just brimming with drabness. I’d be willing to wager that you’ve never even seen a cotton-candy raincloud.”

The professor began muttering to himself. “That’s more symbolism, I’m sure of it. When the zombies showed up, the people who lived here must have needed a distraction. Cotton candy is clearly a metaphor for–”

Discord shook his head. “As much as it pains me to say this, I’m afraid there are no zombie ponies. In fact, there have never been any zombie ponies, which is something of an oversight on my part. I’ll have to make a note about that.”

“Zombie ponies?” the professor asked. “Why on earth would there be zombie ponies? I never said anything about ponies.”

“You may not have noticed, but you’re not exactly on Earth anymore. This is the land of Equestria, and there have never been any human beings here. Until they all left, this place was filled with talking ponies.”

Dr. Finley burst out laughing. “Ponies! Oh my, that’s a good one. Imagine – a land ruled by ponies! Why, they would be utterly useless – that’s as silly as a race of crime-fighting turtles. How could a pony ever hold a pen with a hoof – or even operate a doorknob, for that matter? I’ve never heard of anything so preposterous.”

“I think you’re preposterous,” Discord shot back. “I’ll have you know that the ponies did a fine job of running this place. Not as fine a job as I did, back in the day, but I suppose I have to give them credit. For as long as they were here they raised the sun and the moon every day, they operated the clouds, they controlled the weather, they cycled the seasons, and they kept the world operating. Of course, once they left everything stopped. That’s why–”

“Aha!” the professor exclaimed. “So they weren’t all killed by the zombies. They left! Tell me: did they ascend to a higher plane of existence? Did they shed their physical bodies and assume an immaterial form?”

“They left, you pompous windbag. As in they moved out. They found a better country and they relocated. You see, what happened was–”

“Did you say a ‘better country’?” Dr. Finley asked eagerly. “That means they died, right? Only they viewed dying as moving on to a better country. If the zombie plague was killing them then I suppose–”

Denny suddenly noticed that Discord’s left eye twitched. If he knew who Discord was and what he had done in the past, this would have been a prime moment for Denny to lapse into true terror. After all, that twitch meant that Dr. Finley had gotten on Discord’s last nerve, and the Prince of Chaos was about to strike. What made it even worse was that neither Denny nor the professor had any means of stopping him. Unlike Discord, they could wield no magical power at all. They were utterly helpless in his hands – or, in this case, in his lion paw and eagle talon.

Discord let out a long, slow sigh. He put one of his arms around the professor and looked him in the eye. “I can see that I’m going to have to be straight with you. You’ve seen right through my lies and deception. The truth is that this land was never home to a magical race of talking purple unicorns. Instead it was home to a race of large, intelligent frogs.”

Dr. Finley looked startled. “Frogs?”

Discord nodded. “Frogs. They were big creatures – about three feet high. They were remarkably agile, with the articulate hand-flipper-things that they had. They had quite a good thing going here, but the problem was that they just weren’t content. They weren’t happy with being frogs. You see, they really wanted to be ponies.”

“Of course!” the professor exclaimed. “It’s so obvious now, isn’t it? Ponies can run like the wind, but frogs can only hop. A winged pony can fly, whereas frogs are trapped on the ground. It’s no wonder the frogs who built this place used ponies as metaphors in their art. It all makes sense.”

At this point Discord found it very hard to keep from bursting out laughing. He knew that Celestia would be very upset if she ever found out what he was doing – but then, Celestia and the other three alicorn princesses were a hundred light-years away. They had moved a century ago, when Twilight discovered that the sun was about to die. Since their old home was going to lose its ability to support life, they relocated elsewhere.

Under normal circumstances Discord wouldn’t have been anywhere near the old city of Canterlot. However, being the Prince of Chaos had its perks. When the two humans landed in his old abandoned homeworld, it created a slight tremor that Discord picked up on immediately. Celestia probably had no idea that Discord had left – and if he was quick, he could return before she ever missed him.

“Exactly,” Discord said aloud, as he struggled to keep a straight face. “Eventually this discontentment led to riots, and so forth, until it all collapsed. Darkness rising and all that. But sadly, there were no zombie-frogs. Just sad little frogs with sad little froggy dreams. Now all is in darkness.”

“That truly is sad,” Dr. Finley agreed. “A cautionary tale if there ever was one. There’s a lesson in there for us all.”

The professor looked at his student. “Well, lad, I think we’ve learned everything that we can from this place. It’s time that we returned home.”

“Really?” Denny asked. “We’ve learned everything? But we’ve only been here for, like, ten minutes. Are you sure you can’t think of anything else you’d like to ask before we leave this place? After all, you said earlier that–”

Discord put an arm around both of them. “Now, now, there’s always later! Don’t be a stranger around here.”

“Exactly,” the professor said. “See, Denny? We can return any time we choose. There’s no rush about these things.”

Discord, of course, knew better. Their arrival in Equestria had been an amazing stroke of luck – in fact, it was a miracle they hadn’t been killed. The device in the professor’s pocket was far too dangerous to use, and Discord was going to make sure it would never work again. Whatever happened, those two would not be coming back.

“You wanted to go to Paris, right?” Discord said aloud. When the professor nodded and reached into his pocket for the transmitter, Discord quickly stopped him. “Oh, there’s no need for that. Allow me to take care of the travel arrangements for you. Enjoy your flight!”

Discord then snapped his eagle talon, and the two humans vanished.

“Well, I’ve done my good deed for the day,” Discord said with a sly grin. Discord snapped his talon one more time and vanished– leaving the empty world empty once more.