I stood against the wall in the guard barracks. Things were calm enough, no great tragedy, no drama. The guards were watching some cheap pony soap, over dramatic ponies crying over someone cheating on someone else. I didn't understand their obsession with drama, but I could always go to the female dorm and watch some war movies.
I'd been in Equestria for five solid years, I'd been in the dungeon, lived in a place called Ponyville, I was nearly married to one of their princesses and I still barely understood them. They always sang, the women had more balls than a lot of the men and they were constantly hugging. Even the guard was huggy, only putting up a front of manliness when on duty. And when I asked Celestia about it, all she said was, I like that my subjects are so feeling. Better too feel too much than to feel too little right? And then she would always make a smug noise, harkening back to my days as an unfeeling prick.
"...Ponies...be...weird." I mumbled, pushing out of the barrack and into a courtyard with ponies running laps. I covered my mouth as a wandering cloud of dust rushed past. "...Hey, someone wanna give me a ride!?" I shouted, waving my arm at the mass of running ponies.
The group didn't turn, didn't blink, didn't even break formation. But one pony I knew hopped out of the crowd. "Able, hey colt, sup!?" A sparky little red maned pegasus jumped out and over to me. The tomboyish figure trotted over, pacing around me. "So what's going on pony?"
I shook my head. "I'm not a pony...."
My friend, Pepper, shook her head. "You're a pony to me. Same thing as when you say, man, or...bro."
I cocked my head. "Name one times I've said bro."
Pepper looked around. "Uh...I...uh.... Okay, well maybe not you, but humans! Humans say bro--"
"Idiots and hippies say, bro, and, dude. I talk sense--"
"And you swear like a drunk weather factory worker on unpaid leave." Pepper added, smiling her obnoxiously smug smile.
"Damn right." I shot back. "...I've been working on it...." I mumbled, scratching the back of my scarred neck. "...Celestia's talking about kids...not...ours...at least I hope not, but Luna's got some pony with her, Twilight's...got that one kid after her.... I know I say this a lot, but times are weird in Equestria." I thought back to my days fighting over square miles of Canadian soil. "...I guess it could be weirder."
Pepper shrugged. "Humans were pretty weird when they showed up...you're still weird, but things worked out okay. Not like with the centaurs." Pepper shuddered, shaking herself hard. "I still remember Tirek."
"Sorry I missed all that. Would'a kicked him in the balls for yo--"
Cuuuhnk
A loud bang rattled through the air, shaking the ground and sending the galloping herd of guards stumbling. "What the hell was that?!" I shouted, covering my neck. "Bomb!?"
Pepper looked around like mad, walking in a circle and shining her horn at the various corners of the exercise yard. "Don't...know.... Stay on--"
Cun-chuknk
Another loud boom cause the herd to stop, guards pouring into the field as the castle grounds shook. "Okay, seriously, what the hell!?"
A loud buzz filled the air. "Uhh.... False alarm everypony...false alarm.... That's gonna be happening on and off for a while, it's nothing serious...just the flu."
The crowd of guards disarmed themselves, some looking towards the castle as another thud shook the ground. Pepper stopped her magic and took a deep breath. "Ooooh boy...are you still with Celestia?"
I nodded. "Yes...who else would deal with her weird ass?"
"Plenty of guards...plenty of ponies.... I would...I would deal with her ass all day...." Pepper groaned, leaning her head down and smiling. "All day...."
"Hey...fweep, how 'bout ya don't?" I whistled, drawing her attention from the castle. "Getting sick ideas in your--"
"Didn't you have to apologize for something--" Pepper shot back, trying to duck out of the conversation and shift topics.
"Didn't you get hung upside down, drunk, as a prank?" I snapped back, not wanting to dredge up the past. "Now what was your point?"
Pepper shook her head. "Point? I- oh- oh right...the Celestia thing. Well that's what that was. Celestia I mean...."
"What what was?" I asked, tapping my foot on the dusty ground. "Seriously, have no idea what you're talking about."
"That booming. That's Celestia?"
I scratched my head. "Uh...I- ...Hmmm, no...she's not that big."
Pepper stared at me, her hoof lifting up slightly. "...Did you just call the princess fat?"
"...She called me fat...turnabout is fair play." I crossed my arms and leaned back. "But no, I meant more size big. Like...she shrunk me once, it was kinda like that thud, but no...she's not that fat."
Pepper looked me up and down. "Mmmhmm, well something you two have in common then."
I shrugged, my body a bit more flabby than I would have liked. "I keep trying to tell her we should go out for a while, take a year off and let Luna run things, but nooo, I've got a country to run, I've got subjects to keep. Let's not run out and be stupid kids again!" I looked off towards the castle. "...Twilight had some age spell she was working on...I'm half tempted to go ask her to use i--"
Akunk
"Seriously?! I mean god damn...what is that?"
"Celestia." Pepper stated, walking over and putting a hoof on my foot. "She has the flu.... Alicorns that get sick usually take it pretty hard--"
"Wait, is this like- what's that crap called...Grounder's!? This is like Grounder's isn't it!?"
Pepper rolled her eyes. "Earth ponies get Grounder's, Pegasus get the Feather Flu, Unicorns get Swirl's Syndrome. Alicorns can get all three. How do you not know this by now?!"
I threw my hands up. "I'm not a vet! I know how to ride horses, but insidy bits are just a mess of squishy meat!"
Pepper snickered loudly. "You get Celestia with that line--"
"Smart ass!" I shouted, turning towards the castle. "And no...got her by being...uh...similar...in ways I can't talk about."
Pepper walked around in front of me. "Why's that?"
"Because I don't want to cause a war...and neither does she." I stated, putting my hands on my hips. "Needless to say...I respect her, she's beautiful, but she is weird. Which is fine...you're all weird, I'm weird, everything since I fell through that fucking mirror has been weird." I looked down to the beet red mare. "Now can you give me a lift or not?"
Pepper looked me over. "...You could walk--"
"Walking is for people who don't live with talking horses! I'm allowed to be selfish every once in a while! The jousting was fun, but I can't go back to walking after that! I felt like a knight...like a book story...."
Pepper giggled. "That's cute. You two should--"
"We still do. But I make her wear the helmet now. And..." I rubbed my arm, defeated. "She gets rough after we joust.... Like, she stampedes me in the hall randomly. I was trying to fix some broken light in the main room and she bumped the ladder with her flank...nearly killed me.... And that's just day stuff, nights are just--"
"Kinky?"
"...That, but she just...she's mean when she gets fired up!" I let out a long huff and started walking towards the castle. "She so nice to Twilight and Luna, but when she talks to me it's just mean. Like, I get that I did that...but seeing her being mean really puts shit in perspective."
Pepper walked along side me. "I don't get it, how's she mean?"
I shrugged. "You know Fetlock Isles? We started going out there, pairing humans and big ponies up for jousts. Every time I lose she gets really mad and starts coaching me in the meanest way possible. What was that!? I had them lined up and you just shanked it! Able you think this is a game!? This is real life, if you'd have been a real knight you'd be dead!" I let out a deep huff as we passed through the grounds towards the castle. "She takes it so serious, like competitively serious. But...I think I talked her into a knight festival. Something with- what's that thing the normals do...rene-something-faire. I don't know."
Pepper stopped and looked me up and down. "Able...what's up with you? Like...I've talked with a few humans, one back in school, you're just weird about things and I don't know why."
I shook my head. "Long story.... Long story short, I'm a future man and Equestria's relationship with other universes are tenuous at best."
Pepper cocked her head. "Say what?"
"Like I said...long story. Now I'm gonna go make sure Celestia's alright, and if she's not, well I'm gonna have to fix it." I stepped past Pepper, heading towards the looming castle spires. I wished I could skip the stairs back up, but yet again I would face the endless steps back up to Celestia. "...Pepper, you think you can carry me?"
Pepper hurried over, trotting around me. "Don't you--"
"I hate flying so bad...I despise it, but I hate stairs more." I stated, leaning back on my heel. "So...you think you can do it?"
Pepper looked me up and down. "I don't know...you're kinda fatty...maybe you should use the stairs--"
Kachunk
We both turned the the castle, watching a roofing tile from the lower levels slide off and nearly kill a passing servant. "Oh shit...." I mumbled, looking towards Celestia's tower. "Is this place rated for earthquakes?"
Pepper paced around nervously. "I'm not...sure.... Uh, you think you can fix this?"
"Hell no! If this is Celestia, the most I can hope to do is be there when she kills us all!" I shouted, chuckling nervously as the castle shook. "...So are you gonna help me, or should I start going up?"
Pepper nodded, "I'll try, but we better make this quick." Pepper jumped up, her wings kicking up dust as she flew over and put her hooves under my arms. "Oooooh, geez, you're heavy!"
I felt Pepper's hooves dig into my arms as she lifted me into the air. My breathing quickened as the ground slowly shrunk under me. "Pepper...hurry, hurry Pepper, Pepper hurry!" I shouted, trying not to flail as she huffed and puffed, carrying me up towards Celestia's balcony. "Pepper!" I shouted, my heart beating out of my chest as we reached half up the spire.
Pepper let out a sharp grunt, wobbling and nearly slamming into the side of the castle. "You're heavy, what do you want!?"
"Fly harder!" I shouted, "Just- fucking hurry!" I kicked my legs, the view beyond my bright white shirt hazy and distorted. "Come on come on come on!" I shouted, spotting Celestia's balcony. "Almost there!"
Pepper let out a strained grunt, her wings slapping against my shoulder as she tried to lift me up. "Holy crap man, you're a fatass!"
I reached up, nearly slipping out of her grasps. My fingers caught the edge of the ornate railing. "Got it!" I pulled up, leaving Pepper to support me as I clambored to safety. "Jesus...why didn't I just take the fucking stairs." I mumbled, stradling the railing and rolling onto the floor. "Stupid--"
Aaachoo! Celestia's voice snapped, followed by a loud thud and a rumble from the castle. "...Hello? Who's out there?"
I wiped off my shirt, waving to Pepper as she dove down towards the earth. "It's me, how you--"
"Able...go...away." Celestia croaked, a loud rustling drawing my attention inside. I walked over to the double glass door, looking around the darkened room and spotting Celestia wrapped up in a set of thick blankets. "...I said go away...I'm too tired to deal with you right now...."
I looked around, spotting some cheap pony game on a TV she'd installed. "...Is that--"
Celestia sniffled loudly, "Cooking Filly.... I like it...." She waggled a game control off the edge of her bed, her magic dim and sporadic. "...Do you want to try?"
I walked inside, the warmth of the room absolutely horrid. "Um, no thanks. Don't play games...."
"You're not fun...." Celestia pouted, chucking a tissue box out of her impromptu fort, "Able...be fun or go away, I feel terrible enough already."
I rubbed my throat as I stepped through the cluttered bedroom. "Well I'm not here to be a dick...I just--"
"Would you be a dick if I asked?" Celestia mumbled, lifting her forelegs from her blankets, her hooves wrapped up in bright white socks with golden tips.
I stared at her, watching as she wiped off her snotty nose on her sock. "...What does that even mean?"
Celestia dabbed her nose. "Nothing...I don't know." She looked around the room, the game music dawdling in the background. "...Should I feel bad about buying this?" She pointed her hoof towards a small white box under the TV. "...It's fun, but it wasn't cheap."
I looked at the small white box, utterly befuddled by what people, ponies, griffons and humans, called fun. "It's your money, right? But...I- I know I just got back, but how'd this even happen!?" I walked over to the edge of her bed, sitting down and putting my hand on Clestia's horn. "...Ow, fuck!" I shot back, her horn molten hot. "Jesus, what's wrong with you!?"
Celestia snuffled, wiping her nose on my back. "I'm sick...idiot...."
I grew a bit flustered, "...Aren't you supposed to be nice?"
"Aren't you supposed to be a zombie?" She turned from me, facing the TV. "...You humans have some weird obsession with the undead." She flipped her game back on, images of a cartoon filly in the corner while fake cooking took place on the center of the screen. "...I'm making hay burgers...."
I stared at her, extremely confused. "That's...nice. Are you gonna be alright?"
Celestia threw her control downer, snapping her head to me, hooves digging into her blanket. "Able...do I look alright?"
I leaned back, scanning Celestia's face. "Uh...." Her eyes were red and puffy, her nose slightly crusty, her mane was a mess, she smelled like horse sweat, she was constantly sniffling and snorting. "...Can I help?"
Celestia whipped her head around, snot trailing against her cheek. "No...just--"
"Celestia let me help...please?" I asked, putting my hand on the back of her neck. "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it--"
Celestia grew a bit pink around the cheeks. "...Anything?"
I stuck my tongue out, "Uh, almost anything."
Celestia grimaced. "Able...either offer to help or don't. I know you're trying...but please, for me, try harder." She commanded, snapping my heart like a twig. "Please?"
I rubbed my chest. "...Damn you, and your guilt trip.... What do you want?" I caved, reaching my hand into her mane and scratching her scalp. "What's up?"
Celestia sniffled softly, scrapping the side of her nuzzle with her socked hoof. "...I need your help, and you're the only one who can do this."
"How foreboding."
Celestia nodded dutifully. "I need you...to pick my nose."
I locked up, my cheeks puffing out and my vision locking on her right eye. "...Are you serious? Like are you fucking serious right now?" I rubbed the back of my neck, looking around the bed. "Uh...why do you need me for this!?"
Celestia stifled a sneeze. "There's something stuck...and it's tickling my nose and making me sneeze.... I can't reach it, and I don't want somepony jabbing me in the brain with their horn. And I've seen you pick your nose, I'd figured you'd have some experience."
I brought my hand to my forehead. "Holy shit, you're serious." I looked around the room, the videogame still playing in the background. "...Do I have to."
Celestia stared deep into my eyes. "...You offered, so yes." She lifted her head slightly. "And I'd appreciate being able to br-e- eha- eheh--"
I stuck my finger under her nose, covering my ear with my free hand. "Fire in the hole!" I shouted, cringing away from the expected explosion. But time passed, and I remained standing. "...You okay--"
"Aaachooo!" She yelped, sneezing loudly and knocking me off the bed and into a dresser. The knickknacks wobbled as the room shook, Celestia stuck with a dripping string of mucus from her nose. "Ahh nus...Ables...halp...." She mumbled, keeping the string from breaking and splattering her sheets in mucous. "'Urry!"
I rolled onto my front and jumped up, snagging a box of tissues along the way back to her. "Jesus, titty balls, Christ!" I carefully cleaned up her nose, making sure to cut the strings and dig against her nose a little. "You're gonna kill someone with that!"
Celestia wiped her bloodshot eyes. "It wouldn't be the furst time...."
I let out a tired groan and finished cleaning her up. "So...you still got--"
"It's really stuck, Able...." Celestia turned to me, sniffling slightly. "It's just not coming out on its own...."
I looked up towards the ceiling. "...I've been blown up, I've been shot, but somehow this is far worse. I mean, I- can I have some gloves or something!?" I whimpered, slowly leaning towards her and taking her chin in my hands. "No gloves?"
Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. "Mmm-mmm."
"Huuuuuh...alright...but I get something out of this." I tilted her chin up, "Which one?"
"The ri--"
"Actually...I'm just gonna-" I let her chin go, turning away and holding my finger out. "-yeah.... Just get me to it and I'll ooooh god...." I groaned, my finger immediately stuck into a gooey mess of half solid gunk. "Jesus, why...?"
"Ooooh, right there, there, right- wait...right there!" Celestia cooed, jabbing herself with my finger. "Feel that?"
"Oh god damn.... Never going to be able to see you the same way again." I groaned, feeling a hardened bit of snot jam against the underside of my nail. I pinched her nose, digging against the mass of gunk.
Celestia alternated between light moans and pleased coos. "Come on...little more, just a little- oh-oooh-oh--"
I managed to grab the mess, pulling at it, fighting the resistance as the snot stuck to her nose. "Fuuuu-huhuhuhck!" I yelped, dragging my finger out of her nose. "Hell, this is hell, I'm going to have to cut this arm off!" I shouted, grabbing at a box of tissues by my hips. "Don't you dare sneeze, you won't wake up!"
Celestia let out a sharp squeak as I pulled the dried mass out of her nose, a thick viscous trail of smile following. "Ooooh, thank, The Old Gods...." She mumbled, snorting loudly and leaning her nose into the tissue. She blew a steady stream of warm snot into the thin paper rage. "I can breath...oh gods, I can breath...."
"Yeah yeah.... That's great and all, but I'm going to have to burn my hand now." I finished up, trying against all hope to remove the lingering feeling of snot under my nails. "Let's get this over with." I grabbed Celestia's head, forcing her to turn and diving finger first into her other nostril. I fished around, ignoring Celestia's half awake coos and finding the problem. A disgustingly lumpy bit of crud had stuck against her airway.
"Able...wait--"
"No, get this the hell over with." I dug my nail against the gunk, picking at it as it stuck to her nose. "Jeez, you weren't joking. Really- in- there!"
"Ahh Able wait--"
"Got it!" I snapped, feeling the gunk unlodge and start to drag out of her nose.
"Ahhh- aaah, here it com-- *Kerchuuu!***" She sneezed hard, forcing me back a bit and spraying me with spittle and a load of snot, coating my face and chest in the warm organic spray. Celestia whipped her head back, taking a deep breath and laughing. "Oh my...I can actually breathe!"
I shivered hard, feeling violated from the sudden surge of snot. "That's...great...."
Celestia looked down at me, her face already clearing up slightly. "Oh dear, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah you should-- kshu!" I sneezed, catching it with my shoulder. "Oh no...no no no, not again!" I shouted, my voice growing croaky and thick as I started heating up. "No damn it!"
Celestia shook her head, "Oh...Able--"
"Shiiiiiit!" I shouted, trying to pull my shirt off, "I should have known! I got that other stupid pony disease! Why did I think I wouldn't get this- ktshu, too!"
Celestia laughed gently. "Ooh ho ho ho, poor baby." Celestia lifted up her covers, still sniffling slightly. "Come here...."
"I don't wanna!" I snapped, trying to get out of the bed. "No!" I shouted, trying to pull my way out of Celestia's magic. "Let me go damn it!" Celestia ignored me, slowly pulling me back into the bed. "I'm a grown man damn- ktshu, damn it!" I croaked, my voice worn and rough. "Let me go!"
Celestia hummed softly as I was yanked into the bed, pulled against her chest and wrapped up in her socked hooves. "I'm sorry Able...I didn't know you'd get sick." She cooed, leaning back, playing to big spoon and crossing her hooves over my chest. "I really appreciate--"
"Screw you!" I shot back, trying to wiggle free of her grasps. "...I'm so tired of being sick!" I cried, wiggling hard. "I just- I- I don't- aaaauuuuuh...." I whined, stuck in place against her. "...Damn it...why...!?"
Celestia nuzzled my crown with her chin. "It's okay...it's okay, you're gonna be fine. I mean now we can spend some time together--"
"But I don't want to be freakin' sick!" I shouted, trying to push off her stomach, still trapped by her hooves. "Celestia this isn't--"
"Shh," She cooed, levitating the game controller up. "It'll be fun...." Celestia held my in place like a stuffed animal, her cotton socks rough against my chest. "Have you ever tried this game?"
I whimpered mournfully. "...Celestia, why?"
She rubbed my head with her chin. "Hush, you're fine, I can breathe, you can breathe, we're fine." She cooed, turning her game back on. "Now do you want to- to.... Able, are you crying?"
I sniffled angrily. "My eyes are watering!" I croaked, wiggling in her grasps. "...This is terrible...."
Celestia hummed loudly. "Would you rather be sick on your own?"
Things grew a bit silent, the dim regal room still buzzing with the game noise. "...No."
"Neither would I. So here's the deal, we be sick together, and next time you need me to do something gross, I'll do it. Deal?"
I let out a tired groan, laying back against her chest. "I was healthy! Then why I try to be the nice guy, I get sick!" I gave up, crossing my arms in defeat. "...This is why I'm never nice...nice guys always get shit on!"
"Well if that's the gross thing you want." Celestia mumbled, laughing at the tail of her speech. "Who- am I to judge...pff."
I frowned hard, looking up at her bright magenta eyes and wry smile. "Celestia...you're supposed to be nice to everyone--"
"And you're supposed to be my- snff, gallant knight." Celestia snuggled back, seating me against her chest. "Love isn't about perfection, it's about accepting each other for who we are, and dealing with those imperfections together."
I shook my head at her. "...No more jousting."
Celestia locked up. "But I--"
"I jammed my finger up your nose without questioning! Now its your turn to give something up!"
Celestia set her game down. "...But why?"
"Because you're mean when you joust! You made fun of my dick last time we lost...." I whimpered, sinking into the bed.
Clestia stared at the ceiling, puffing out her cheeks. "...But- fun...."
"Butt fun." I snapped back. "...But seriously, deal?"
Celestia mumbled angrily. "Fine...I--ashcu!" She yelped, sending a warm went sensation into the back of my head. "Oh no--"
"Into...my hair...." I groaned, going limp against my mare. "...What ever...it's so bad at this point, it really can't get any worse."
Celestia sniffled softly. "I'm really sorry, Able. But I appreciate you doing--"
"Tell no one what happened today." I looked up at her. "Look at me. I love you, you're nice most of the time, but if this gets out, you won't have to worry about raising the sun."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "You're such a drama queen."
"Well then I'm higher on the political ladder than you, princess!" I shouted, rolling off her and curling up against her side. "Now just...I need a nap now."
Celestia rolled her eyes and picked her game back up. "Fine, but I'm still going to play cooking filly."
"Fine, but I'm still gonna whine about this!"
"You always do." Celestia chuckled, "You always complain about something."
"Hey! I'm allowed to complain when things don't meet expectations!" I tightened up around the shared blanket Celestia had thrown over me. "...Don't complain about you, even when you do this stupid crap."
Celestia smiled down at me. "You're my little idiot, you know that?"
"...Yeah, I know...."
Celestia leaned her head down and pecked the side of my head. "Sorry about the hair."
"It's fine. I'm sorry about your jewelry."
"Pardon!?"
