Fallout Equestria: Audio Log's of an Equestrian Traitorby NuclearCupcakeChapters1. The Mysterious Porridge2. Ain't That A Break In The Leg(s)3. Drawn-Out Sentence4. I 'Volunteered' For This!5. Sparkle-Cola RAD, Shaken Not Stirred6. Triple Dose of Med-X1. The Mysterious Porridge[BEGIN MESSAGE #1] I wonder if anypony would read this? Where I am right now, I’m leaning towards the ‘in the far-flung future’ area. Anyways. The names Lycium Luck and at the time I’m recording this, I can say I’m now one hundred percent officially Bucked. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #2] Just had another thought, if by some chance my recordings were found then I might as well tell a story. Who knows, maybe in a post-apocalyptic wasteland somepony would be interested in the buck-up of a lifetime! Heck I’ll start right now. About half a month ago I had failed my first contract in ten years, as such I was contacted by the pony that gave me it and was told to head to Hoofington’s MWT. Not too keen on the ministries but if they didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother them. Walking down the street when I suddenly hear the wail of a little filly with no parents nearby so I take it upon myself to go see what’s wrong with the poor foal. And it all went downhill from there… WHACK! A hoof right into my face and a cloth put over my muzzle, gasping for air I realised that the cloth was drugged and pa- OI! I DON’T WANNA BUCKIN HERE YOUR LIFE’S STORY! TURN YOUR VOICE DOWN! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #3] I'll try and be quieter this time I think. But if you haven’t guessed it by now, yes I am locked in a cell. If you think that’s where I woke up after being drugged then you’d be wrong, I woke up somewhere much worse than here, wherever here is exactly. I woke up in what appeared to be one of them auto-carriages judging by the roar of an engine. I had a bag over my head so all I knew was that, judging by the voices I could hear, I was surrounded by ponies. After I coughed and spluttered for a little bit, they realised I was awake. This stallion started talking to me in what must’ve been the worst attempt at a Manehatten gangster accent I’ve ever heard haha! But yeah, so he just sounded that corny to me I tuned him out after he went off in a tirade about death threats, do you know what this means and accidents to be arranged…However, when I heard the words contract and failure come out I snapped to straight away, for you see my little pony I am what is known as a Hitstallion, and what th- *KATHUNK* OI YOU SHIT! WHO IN LUNA’S BUCKING NAME ARE YOU TALKING TOO IN HERE?! YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND?! Nah buddy, just your pretty fac- [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #4] *coughs* Sorry about that, somepony couldn’t handle my sexy voice mumbling. A stallion the size of Big Macintosh isn’t one to take a hoof to the face from. I think he's actually knocked me into tomorrow, today? Whatever. I think it’s been a day since I last talked or even a couple of hours, I’m hungry now which I wasn’t before so I’m getting a bit confused. Thanks to whatever happened to my Pipbuck I can’t even tell the time let alone the date. *KATHUNK* OI. Food. *Sliding metal, KATHUNK* Well. Looks like we have a date together stranger, grey mush with all the trimmings and a side of pink jelly. Yay. So I think I was on about my occupation? I am a Hitstallion and if you don’t know what one of those are then to put it simply I’m like a murderer who isn’t crazy and gets paid for doing it. Oh and I take what is called a ‘contract’ which tells me who to kill and sometimes get a bonus if I kill them in a particular way, you’d be quite surprised at the amount of contracts floating around nowadays, even if there is a war on. *slurping noises from food* Anyway, continuing with this stallion talking to me about my contract. Basically it was one I was specifically sought out for and had a price tag of over twenty million bits and a prototype sniper-revolver named Soarin’s Sureshot, colt did it look beautiful…The catch was I had to kill the, well I’d say target but that’s such a Strong word. *slurping noises from the food followed by a gulp* Well it was a she so how about Mare? Yeah so the Mare had to be killed in a way that looked like an accident. Looking back on what happened because I failed makes it seem like it was a bit too important for me to fail on hehe. But hey, I did message them that accidents for a pony like Mare to be in are almost nigh impossible for her to come out of injured let alone dead. Acting on this I tried to tell him that I could still take her out and I’d forfeit the money, I really wanted that pistol, if he let me go. Realising I was gagged at that point made me regret trying to speak at all since I reckon he didn’t like my tone of voice so either he or one of his cronies broke my damned hoof. My clopping hoof as well. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #5] Hey there, I’ve had a small sleep since the last time I recorded and I was going to wait a bit longer but I had another meal a few minutes before and I discovered something pretty neat. A piece of the grey mush fell onto my orange uniform and, I actually hadn’t realised at the time, must’ve slipped into one of the pockets because my wrist-thing lit up briefly. So I twisted the dial but that only cycled through local map, which was blank, world map, also blank and then I just pressed one of the other buttons and it jumped to the apparel section. Looking under Armour I have clothing labelled as: Subject Two-Five-Nine Overalls and looking into Aid guess what I saw. The grey mush labelled: Mysterious Porridge. Kind of freaked me out. Especially since its details were minus forty food, minus forty H2O and plus two HP. I’m going to assume that’s a good thing right? [END MESSAGE] 2. Ain't That A Break In The Leg(s)[BEGIN MESSAGE #6] Hello again, strange things are afoot I reckon. Shortly after I finished my last log a pony in a white coat popped in along with my resident guardpony, he just looked at me in the eyes and curtly nodded, next thing I know I’ve been jostled by the guard and is restraining me when this Mr. Whitecoat says that he’d “Like to ask me a few questions. They will be answered or else.” Followed by a grin off the guard. I agreed quite quickly of course. I’m in a hopeless situation and if you’re wondering why I haven’t bothered to attempt an escape, I have your answer right here: I know I’m bucked already, why make it any worse. But yeah so he just asked me simple things that anypony with half a brain would know about themselves: Name, Sex obvious much?, Marital Status, Blood-Type and any medicine taken and/or problems. I don’t particularly care what happens to me anymore, I know I’m not welcome back into society after what I did. *laughter* Once those questions were answered he just nodded, smiled and left. If I wasn’t happy enough that I was alone once again, then I think I Luna must’ve taken me to her room and rutted me silly. *Loud/harsh whisper* He’d left me a bottle of Sparkle-Cola RAD! [END MESSAGE] [BEING MESSAGE #7] I’ve been rambling about the present haven’t I? Let’s get back to my past; I assume you still want to know my story. I think it was after my foreleg was broken everypony went quiet, apart from my slight whimpering, trust me when I say not even the strongest of ponies can keep tight-lipped when they have a bone snapped. That was until the gag was taken off, not the bag mind you, and he asks me if I had a reason the hit went wrong and I, in my awesomely dim-witted way said ‘yes’. I told him my exact thoughts, which probably wasn’t the best idea at the time considering my situation but I take after my mother, our mouths always cause problems. I said to him that it’s not my fault the target was in a building that literally finished renovating the day before and the accident arranged for the Mare wasn’t as full-proof as it seemed, I angrily stated that a bullet to the head would’ve done much better. I think that was when I passed out, but I did discover that it is physically possible to feel when a pony is majorly pissed. My hindlegs could’ve vouched for that… [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #8] You know, when I got this device I only really used it as a free navigation tool and radio. But now that I’ve got nothing else to do other than use it to keep me entertained it is really starting to grow on me! Not literally of course but nevertheless I did find a little folder hidden away. You never know what pushing random buttons leads too, it even changed the screen colour to blue which I prefer if I’m honest. After looking at the title of the folder I think it’s better if I talk about it at a later time or you’ll just be confused. I’m sorry that this is a short one but I can hear somepony literally cantering outside so bye. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #9] It was that Mr. Whitecoat who was outside the cell. He was apologising for being late for our question time apparently, don’t ask me, *Britneigh accent* they don’t tell me nuttin around here. He wanted me to answer a few more questions which were about my job, even offered me another bottle of RAD if I complied. He did his digging alright, knew every contract I’d ever held. Oh and a few questions to see if I ‘really was sure’ that I had no family or anypony that might wonder where I am. To tell you the truth that unnerved me a bit, especially considering the smile he gave me after I answered, but instead of him leaving without a word I decided to ask him a question or two. Where am I? Why am I here? What’s going to happen to me? He just shook his head and replied saying something about the O.I.A. Facility Protocol under Article 3, Paragraph C6 and O.I.A. Requisition Protocol as per Code: Majeste as he left. Needless to say I was mystified and a little bit worried, so I’m just going to distract myself by continuing with the story. I woke up being able to see for starters, a bit dizzy too and strangely numb but able to see. Not to mention the obvious fact that I was strapped to a chair with my contractor facing me. Once he noticed I woke up he sighs and does that typical movie thing where they tug at their black moustache and goes on about how much of a failure I am at my line of work and oh how the mighty have fallen. Did I tell you how I was the No.2 Hitstallion in Equestria? No? Another time then. So he continues berating me until I just interrupt him out of sheer boredom and after a quick glare he drops his fake mobster accent and has this to say, and I will recount every word to the best of my ability for our benefit: *A nasally Caterlonian accent is adopted* Lycium, can I call you that? I have to say, although you might be feeling how easy you’re coming away from this. What with a few broken bones. This is just the beginning. For you see, my good stallion, I had a lot riding on this contract being fulfilled to the letter and by Celestia’s mane all of my fellow businessponies did as well. So due to your failure we’re losing more of our hard-earned bits thanks to this incident, so to…lighten our mood you could say. We have decided that, what better a way to help sweep this incident under the rug than to expose the culprit himself? Yes by that look on your face I can tell you are surmising the situation correctly. If being brought to Princess Luna along with one of our distasteful Chairponies, combined with overwhelming evidence and written testimonies brought against you. Then yes it was surmised correctly. Now I hope for your sakes that you get a good rest. Tomorrow morning we’ll be handing you over to the Royal Guard, in the meantime we’ll have one of our own doctor’s heal your injuries, we all know you’re going to need to be fresh in the next few days, enjoy! That isn’t how I got here though, weird? Tell me about it, but it was the speech that did get the ball rolling. And now I need sleep so goodnight. Or good-day, good afternoon? Ah well. [END MESSAGE] 3. Drawn-Out Sentence[BEGIN MESSAGE #10] Yeesh, sliding metal trays don’t half wake you up, another heap of this delicious ‘Mysterious Porridge’ to sate my appetite. Huzzah. To continue from where I left off before: That night I was left alone tied to that chair, and I recall a doctor coming in at one point and made me drink a health potion, which admittedly I did need so I was thankful. I won’t say that I wasn’t scared because at the time I was. Not about what had happened to me so far but the thought of being brought before Princess Luna, let alone what was undoubtedly going to be an angry Princess Luna, is a thing to be worried about no matter who you are. I let myself have a few moments to panic before falling asleep; I’d need to be fully alert to see if I could work my out of the situation. When I did wake later on, I almost knew instantaneously that I had been moved already, the biggest giveaway was that instead of being surrounded by a large office, I was surrounded by four steel walls. From the whooshing of the wind and sight of the sky through the bars on one wall it wasn’t hard to guess I was in a prison-carriage. I won’t go into super detail about my short conscious time in the prison-carriage but needless to say I was preparing for the ordeal ahead. Hehe if only mummy Roseluck was here now, she’d be so disappointed… *voice cracks slightly* Who’d a guessed the son of a botanist would be a trained killer, how is that even possible you may ask? Well, for starters you can tell your special talent from your Cutie-Mark. Not many ponies would even realise that my Cutie-Mark is actually a killer’s contract but it is. If you don’t know what they look like then imagine a standard piece of parchment. Got it? Good. Then on the top left corner is a splodge of black that looks like an ink-stain. That’s a contract, mine had the unique twist of that in the bottom right corner there’s a sprig Wolfsberry and a black Rose intertwined. I won’t go into how I ended up with that as a Cutie-Mark but let me just say it took me a long, long time to find it. Most people thought it was something to do with the business side of botany so that’s what I rolled with if anyone asked. *laughs loudly* *KATHUNK* Well it looks like our final Q&A is tomorrow Mr Luck, should be fun. *KATHUNK* Huh? Okayy…carrying on. When the carriage landed the door was almost immediately pulled open and two Royal Guards stood at the entrance, after a sneer and a bit of rough handling the unicorn of the two bound my hooves together and dragged me behind him as we made our way into the palace. The palace from where we entered and indeed the parts I was dragged through was almost entirely empty. I remember thinking how strange that is until I then recalled that the trial today might be the cause. Do you really think the public would do well with knowing that the Ministry Mares aren’t invincible? They’re the bearers of the Elements of Harmony after all! Yet using them for war, never really understood that. So anyway, I soon found myself in an empty Royal Throne Room and dropped unceremoniously next to a dejected looking red Pegasus. The thought of trying to escape crossed my mind before realising that after trying to take a step it seemed that my hooves were bound to the floor. After a few minutes of waiting and ignoring the Pegasus’s whimpering’s, a bright flash and crack and there she was, in all her beauty and magnificence, Her Royal Highness Princess Luna of the Night and Ruler of Equestria. After settling onto the throne she levitated up an extremely thick folder and proceeded to angrily gaze down at us. Yeesh that was a long talk. I’ll continue later, but before I end the message I’ve got to say that I was surprised the Ministry Mares were absent. Not going to lie when I felt quite glad that they weren’t, that Pinkie Pie from the MoM is trouble if what I know about Morale being true. I’m quite thirsty so I’m going to ask for a drink, wish me luck! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #11] Looks like I’m stuck with a dry throat for now, no-one even answered me. I’ll just quickly go over my own charges and sentence because the session itself took more than a few hours; I remember the sun was out when I went into the palace and the moon shining into the throne room at the end. If you could’ve seen her eyes when she looked at me you probably would have felt your heart skip a beat in fear, I know mine did. Imagine if you will, a pair of bottomless abyssal black orbs filled with cold unrequited anger. She literally spat in my face from upon her throne as she read my charges out, and there was a lot, which was quite surprising as my contractor must have done quite a lot of digging on me. I mean the contracts are sent to me through various methods, never face to face but needless to say I was at the top of my game during the time so it was extremely difficult to hire me let alone find out anything concrete about me. Anywho the charges were: Two hundred counts of murder at least they didn’t get all of them!, possession of illegal firearms, innumerable counts of physical assault, millions of bits in victim charges and conspiracy to murder a high-ranking official of the crown which also meant treason. Now this is just the short version mind you, she spent a long while reminding me of practically every hit I made and even elaborated on the damages that extended to the affected families, I remained stone-faced throughout. I think you’d probably like to know what my judgement was don’t you? *adopts a haughty tone* “Lycium Luck with these crimes against Equestria I hereby find you guilty on all charges. You are to go down in Equestrian history as the second traitor to attempt an assassination on a high-ranking official, almost successful mind you, since Big Macintosh sacrificed himself in the tenth year of the War. So as such while it is my personal opinion that I think you deserve the punishment of summary execution as stated in the law, I will opt with what I heard one of the Ministry Mares say in the company Applejack shortly after the incident. You will have a ‘drawn out’ sentence. I hereby condemn you to five years at the Shattered Hoof Underground Facility, unofficially followed by ten years with the Ministry of Image as a test subject and ended with summary execution. I think it’s time you gave back to Equestria and her ponies.” And so she passed her judgement and gave me no chance to retort, which is unfair because I had that as my last resort, but then again everything she stated was true. I had no defence against my charges, although, entertaining the thought of ‘giving back’ to Equestria and the deaths I’d wrought made me grin. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #12] I’m sure you’ve heard of Shattered Hoof? The massive high-security prison on top, the one full of the big time/small time/crazy ponies? Either way, it is a place you don’t want to be locked up in. So when the Princess said I was going to the Underground Facility I may have wilted somewhat, I didn’t even know there was an underground prison there. After spending a while there I don’t think you’d want to know what went on…I’ll give you the basic run-down like what the warden told me: You do twenty-two hours of mining, one ton of gems per group a day and two hours of rest. I did that for one week. I felt on the verge of death by its end, there’s a reason besides…well ermm…ah! Why no-one talks to each other down there, it’s because they are literally Worked to death. At the time I had begun to resign myself to what the fates had laid before me, that is, until He came; I didn’t know who he was or what he wanted, but the moment he saw me as I trudged towards my cell, I caught his eye and I could tell something was up, he wore the same coat as Mr. Whitecoat here. Actually, come to think of it. That mane of red does seem to match Mr. Whitecoat…huh. That’s one mystery solved I guess. Anywho, the next thing I know I woke up in this cell. Anticlimactic much? [END MESSAGE] 4. I 'Volunteered' For This![BEGIN MESSAGE #13] I don’t know if it has been a whole day since Mr Whitecoat came so I’m just going to continue to ramble on. I’ve thought about this folder I found and I might as well tell you about it, got nothing else to talk about anyway now. I’ll give you the backstory before I read the note. This is all about how I actually acquired this Pipbuck. It was on an awesome night that I don’t think anypony would believe me if I told them. So it was about a week or two before I was contracted to do the hit on Applejack and I was just sitting in my usual bar in the industrial sector of Hoofington. It’s where I like to chill most of the time, oh and by the way despite it being a bit of a dump when you find a place that serves great whiskey…*coughs* Wild Pegasus beats all. Anyway, as I bought my first bottle and prepared myself for a night of non-stop alcohol, this pretty young Pegasus mare comes waltzing in, needless to say all the stallions including myself and maybe a few mares’ eyes widened at the sight of this paragon of marehood. But we quickly averted said eyes when she herself had a face tightened with rage. Me being socialite just returned to my bottle of liquid heaven without a second thought, that second thought was of who I will be clopping over that night. So as I hear the plunk of a stool next to me I go to levitate my bottle when weirdly it’s disappeared. Looking around I notice said mare taking a swig from My bottle of My whiskey, watching her put it down she turned and gave me a look that said: ‘complain. I dare you.’ And so I did. I nabbed the bottle with my magic to pull it back to me, however, like a lightning bolt she grabs the neck of it in her teeth and thus a tug of war ensues that ends with two ponies covered in whisky and shards of glass along with a very disgruntled barkeep. While down there if I remember correctly I’d asked her what her problem was, when I say asked I really mean that it came out as a shout but I’m the good stallion here. She shouts back that every bar she’s come across in the upper district refuses to serve her and she didn’t trust anypony of ‘that calibre’ to get her a bottle without doing something to it, let alone one of the grimy manual workers around here. That earned a few looks. And so she stole mine because I looked half-decent. I wasn’t too sure if that was compliment or an insult. Personally I thought she had an ego problem mixed with an unhealthy dose of paranoia but whatever. Right I’ll continue later, I think food’s coming and I want to sleep. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #14] Right where were we? Ah yeah I was with her soaked in alcohol, in a completely non-sexual way might I add. After realising she was probably neurotic I asked her a question she wasn’t prepared for, which was why she didn’t just ask me for a bit of my bottle since I didn’t even know she was coming in here. That made her eye twitch like she was having a seizure until she just smiled sheepishly and quietly muttered a word or two. And like the good pony I am I offered her a hoof up and asked what she’d like to drink, past that point I can’t quite recall what happened after but I did end up with a phone number written on a feather along with a time to call and an address. I rang her the next day after I was completely sobered up. I do have to give her credit, she can handle her stuff well, I hadn’t had that big of a hangover since graduation! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #15] She told me to meet at the feather, which obviously meant the place on the one I was given and then she put the phone down on me. In those brief moments back then I do remember a fuzzy sort feeling afterwards but down here I think the closest I’d come to is vomiting from all this grey muck. So I trotted over to what I assumed would be her place, an apartment or something but turned out to be the “Red Racer” headquarters of Hoofington. Feeling cheated but with my guard raised, I entered the building and was greeted one of those secretaries who you just know is more annoying than meets the eye, said knowing was confirmed when her hoof hit the intercom and screeched “He’s Here!”, followed by a calm “send him up”, which did set me on edge. If this mare hadn’t drunk me under the table I probably wouldn’t have entered the elevator but well, she did. I am getting to the part about how I got the Pipbuck so hold on, we’re almost there. Up the elevator I went preparing for an attack once the doors opened, it was a habit, so when the doors slid open I have to say that if any hostiles were waiting I would have been shot dead then and there. I mean the sight presented to me just made me gawk. It is possibly the strangest thing I have ever seen to this day, a giant penthouse suite that was creepily filled with posters of the MoA mare Rainbow Dash scattered all over the place, the Wonderbolts when they were a stunt-team and a couple of Stable-Tec ones too. After I recovered from the initial shock I cautiously stepped out and looked around, that was until I heard a small buzz. Like the sound of those annoying flies. Turning to see where the damn fly was I saw/felt an orange blur crash into me, reacting like lightning my hooves were around the neck ready to snap it when my senses came back to me and I was immobilised. Immobilised by the most powerful anti-hitstallion-killer-prevention-device in Equestria. For you see, I was kissed. Quite ferociously might I add, which is just the way I like it. That was until she pulled out of it and I got the opportunity to get a good look at her face, same mare from before which was a good thing I presumed, she then put her muzzle to my ear and whispered so seductively I was practically quivering. Don’t judge my kinks, everypony’s got them. She whispers how lucky I am and that someone who can drink with her and live to tell the tale a day later deserves a one of a kind reward. With those words she grabbed my hoof and yanked me to her princess-sized bed which I only just realised was in the corner. Now, I won’t go into detail but I will say that it was mindshattering, and by that I mean nopony, not even her majesties Princess Luna and Celestia could do better than her even if it was a royal threesome. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #16] Sorry that I had to stop so suddenly, thought I heard someone outside the doo- *KATHUNK* Ah good afternoon Mr. Luck, it’s time for our Q&A session. Right, yes of course. I only have a few more things to ask you, so onto question one: Would you like to volunteer to take part in a special project of the OIA which should, if successful, hopefully turn the tide of the War? Ermm, you’re saying ‘if successful’…So there is a chance it could fail? And for that matter, why kidnap me? Mr. Luck there’s a chance anything could fail, but if you do have any qualms about this then don’t worry we’ll take your memories of this place and cart you off to Shattered Hoof again. Ah wait! No, I’ll volunteer. Anything’s better than Shattered Hoof – Excellent news, that’s all we really wanted to know. And before you ask about the other questions I’ve asked you over the past few days then think of it as a test to…see how compliant you were. We’ve had volunteers in the past who have smashed there cell to bits or tried to escape. None of them have just sat in their cell like you have. What about the information you wanted me provide? You really think WE wouldn’t already know all of those things? I could find out what you ate for breakfast three years ago if I wanted to. Anyway, thank you for volunteering and just so you know, you will be moved to another cell where you will be given a strict regimen for you to adhere to as part of the experiment you volunteered for. Is this understood Mr. Luck? Of course, Doctor…? Red Bow, Doctor Red Bow and now we conclude the meeting. You’ll be moved one hour from your next meal which the guard will give you after I leave, he’ll also be the one to escort you to your new accommodation. Any resistance will be disciplined promptly, good-day. *sliding of a metal tray* *KATHUNK* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #17] Anyway, sorry for the interruption, let me continue. I woke upside down that following morning, by myself, in a shower running warm water, alone unfortunately. Now I’m there just thinking it could’ve all been another whiskey-induced dream but as I used my rear hooves to open the shower door, I tumble right out and end up facing the magenta eyes of Rainbow Dash. NOT the first thing I like to see in the morning, and after finally getting onto all four hooves I performed the patented “Lucky wake-up call” aka a hard hoof to the face. Rubbing my jaw, I trotted out into the main room to see if she was there, unfortunately she wasn’t. Feeling myself shiver I turned around quickly, bracing myself for an impending crash like before but upon seeing that there is no crazy orange Pegasus pony I turn back once again to the bed and catch my eye on the flashing terminal on top of the dresser, carefully I go over to it and see a recording with my name on it waiting to be played. Hitting Enter I sat on the bed keeping my eyes aware of what’s around me. The recording went along the lines of: *adopts a slightly higher voice* “Woah, you certainly know how to please a mare! Sorry I had to go, I was going to wake you so we could see each other out but an emergency came up from the Canterlot firm, had to rush out for the earliest sky-wagon. Not to mention that you look soooo cute asleep upside down! Oh and before I forget, look inside the dresser beneath the terminal and you’ll find a present. Another reward and well…you seem like the type of stallion who would get a more realistic use out of it, just a word of advice, it’s a prototype model so whatever you do with it just know it’ll be gathering data along the way, only diagnostics and map data. It’ll transmitted wirelessly so don’t worry, the user manual comes inbuilt, just put it on your foreleg and off you go. In a bit. P.S. if you wanna take this mare on a proper date just come to one of the firms, ask for me and give your name. If you’re busy, come see me at the GALLoPS two months from now, I wouldn’t mind getting to know you more. I guess that’s why your last name is Luck haha.” That’s probably the longest time she talked without yelling my name haha. Anyway, I did as the note said and after opening the dresser it, the Pipbuck, just sat there innocently and being the cautious pony I am, prodded it a few times and considered leaving it there because, let’s be honest, who would put on such a thing after a night of sex because you were asked? I did. Don’t ask me why I did it, I just did. Maybe I did it since it was an early morning and I felt exhausted or maybe it was that I thought she had a trustworthy quality. So I put it on my right foreleg and after few beeps it displayed some text headed by the words ‘Vault-Tec Pipbuck 300A’. Over the course of the next few minutes I waded through the manual and that’s how I knew how to use it. Like that wasn’t obvious. Yeah, so that’s how it came into my possession. Oh I forgot to tell you what her name was didn’t I? Well. That wonderful mare had a bright orange coat contrasting with an unruly deep purple mane. Her name was Scootaloo… [END MESSAGE] 5. Sparkle-Cola RAD, Shaken Not Stirred[BEGIN MESSAGE #18] *inhaling* 3-2-1… *KATHUNK* Oi, it’s time to move you to your new home. Follow me and if I don’t want to hear a single peep out of you, understand? Yes, yes, I’m coming. WOAH! *CRASH* Get. Up. NOW. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #19] Well at least it’s bigger and so is the cot. That walk here did a number on my hooves AND my head, a left here and right there, straight down here, five more corridors and go down the stairs, it just went on and on. Well with nothing more to talk about really I might as well describe my new home, I think it’s about fifteen hooves long and six wide. *sounds of slow clopping hooves* Yep, definitely fifteen and six. The cot’s actually got a pillow this time and there is a washing basin, I can’t remember the last time I cleaned myself let alone had a shower. I probably look and smell like a stallion who’s crawled through a sewage pipe. No visits from Doctor Red Bow yet but it has been about ten minutes since I got here so it’s understandable. If anything I could really do with some Luna-damned food, I’m starving. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #20] Nothing new food-wise, just a bigger helping of ‘Mysterious Porridge’. Small blessing I guess. The cot’s comfortable; the pillow just makes it so much more homely…ughh, I have no idea what to talk about. Give me a few minutes and I’ll get back to you. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #21] I’ve got it, the best contract I ever did. And if you think I find it enjoyable killing ponies then that’s your opinion but this is probably the only one I ever had a genuinely fun time. There are a whole variety of methods to kill a pony, it’s an acquired art but this contract took the cake. Never in my life had I had to play dress-up as the opposite sex. While I can’t go into explicit detail about the contract, what with confidentiality, I’ll start with the fact that to change into the opposite sex I had to take a potion that changes the body of the imbiber to whomever they want for up to a week depending on its strength. Apparently it’s derived from Changeling essence, and with how rare it was to find a Changeling I knew straight away that this hit had gone up a notch. Anyway I had to change into this mare and the purpose was to take out the husband while incriminating the wife, who I became. Definitely the weirdest experience I’d ever had, I mean I spent three days as a MARE. So on the third day when I had planned to carry out the hit, we were at this fancy party in Fillydelphia, and these two stallions walked up to the bar as I was ordering myself drink. I caught them eyeing me up which felt kinda weird…and satisfying to say the least. The potion really screws up your perceptions but I humoured them and gave them a wink along with a subtle shake of my flank and when they came over I gave them a right hoof to the fa- *SCREECH* . Ermm, yes Doctor? Ah, sorry, I see you’ve settled in nicely Mr. Luck. How do you find your new abode? It’s uhh, quite nice thank you. Excellent. Now if you have any requests you need only ask me now and it shall be done. Hmm…would I be able to have a couple of Sparkle Cola RAD’s by any chance? An odd request but I don’t see why not. That’ll be sorted out straight away. *Shuffle of hooves* Sooo…? Ah yes sorry about that, my mind does wonder often. You’ll be called up for an examination in two hours. You won’t be late Mr. Luck and good-day. *SCREECH* A strange doctor zoning in and out while staring at me is probably not the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced but disregarding that, I haven’t had a bottle of RAD since my imprisonment and I miss the sweet radish taste. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #22] Ahh, nothing like an ice-cold Sparkle Cola RAD to wet the whistle. *Drinking Noises* I’ve thought about the examination he mentioned and I hope that it’s a physical performance one; I never have felt comfortable during the ones that are touchy-feely, they just make me cringe all over. Hey who knows, maybe I’ll even meet any of the other volunteers. If there are any others that is, it would be nice to somepony who I can properly talk too. I think I’m beginning to feel lonely…weird. *SCREECH* It’s time Mr. Luck, come with me. Alright, lemme just put this bottle over in the corner. *sound of hooves* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #23] *SCREECH* *Panting* Whew, that was...That was exhausting, hold on….let me just….ah there we go….nice comfy cot. I didn’t think it was possible…to do that many physical tests in a couple hours, but…colt was I wrong. Met a bunch of lab assistants, called me ‘two-five-nine’…I guess the name of my overalls were a bit of an indicator that might be my volunteer number. There were a lot of galloping/weight/etc machines, even a few of the Fluttershy bio-phys monitor devices. I can’t help it now….I’m drifting off, ughh night. . . . . . [FFW MESSAGE ??hrs] *SCREECH* He’s definitely out Doctor, those tests really took a lot outta them. Of course they did, all candidates Must be carefully chosen, while physical endurance is a tertiary consideration due to the more precise needs, it is still important. Not everypony is cut out for the Project. Pass me the needle would you? Here you go Doctor. Thank you, now quietly does it… *Light clopping of hooves* *Hooves get quieter as they retreat* There we go. Please take this blood sample to the lab as tests need to be performed with haste. I have other business to take care of, Trueblood doesn’t like mistakes. *SCREECH* . . . [FFW ??hrs] *THUNK* Ouch…how in Luna’s mane did I fall out of a bigger cot? What the? It’s still recording, damn thing must be on the fritz. [END MESSAGE] 6. Triple Dose of Med-X[BEGIN MESSAGE #24] *slurping noises* Ahhh, nothing like the same old grey mush waiting for you when you wake up. I must have slept longer than usual because that bump from when I fell is only throbbing a little bit. Although, my muscles are still aching, I haven’t had an intensive work out like that in years. Even the mines under Shattered Hoof weren’t that strenuous. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #25] -se follow me Mr. Luck, we will be taking you for your final test. It’s nothing too demanding as yesterdays I assure you, I take it you’re aching still? I am indeed. Could I ask you a question if you don’t mind? There’s nothing stopping you Mr. Luck so ask away. What have I actually volunteered for? I’m afraid I can’t answer that at the moment, you will find out soon enough. Oh. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #27] Stop fidgeting please. Now that the correct note-uh-forms have been filled out we can begin the real testing. Please just stay here for the moment Mr. Luck as I need to fetch the equipment. *loud BANG of a filing cabinet being closed* Understood Doctor. *Door slammed shut* . Luna’s moon that took forever, that Doctor Bow is a strange one. There’s something I just can’t understand about him, something’s…off. Oh, and for you cameras in here, yes, I do talk to myself, is there a problem with that?! Back to the matter at hoof, I wonder what this test entails. *Creak of a door opening* Hello again Mr. Luck, before you ask this is what you’ll be tested on, it’s a prototype and you are the perfect candidate to try it out. Suffice to say it has a ninety-two percent chance of success, failure will probably lead to severe nausea and/or passing out. No permanent damage thankfully, so would you like to begin? What if I say no? Security Protocol: Go-Fish. *metal clangs* Well...This is the second time I’ve been stuck in a chair this year alone. Now, to turn this on - *Whirrs* - Mr. Luck this mighJGSDKJN bv\sdb,jsv\,, bd???[ERROR]lSIHCB,,fjdddjjvhblh nmvl\kj,Jbj,dsdk.njKJN.KDFKNVHB,H[UNIDENTIFIED SIGNAL] [WARNING][WARNING] ADHUYKYYHBJ<IHDUIHSF,GFVDHSK,V.K,,XKLC [FILE CORRUPT. SCANNING CAUSE. . .UNKNOWN CAUSE. PURGING FILE. SUCCESS] [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #28] Sometimes I just feel like it’s my punishment to wake up with a sore head; I can’t believe it’s still throbbing after falling outta my cot like that. You’d think I was hit by a sledgehammer or something. Hold on, I’m pretty sure my muscles should be aching from the tests yesterday. They feel completely fine… huh, well I’m not going to complain. Right now I feel like this is just me being boring, what with nothing useful to talk about. I guess I’ll leave you with a small message: Behind you! Gotcha! *laughing* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #29] Just been given a massive helping of the ‘Mysterious Porridge’, I think they added sugar or something this time, because it was almost sickeningly sweet. *SCREECH* *a smooth mare’s voice speaks* Mr. Luck is it? That’s me. It’s time for the experiment you volunteered for; it would be appreciated if you comply fully and don’t resist. *sounds of creaking wheels and multiple hooves* Woah, that’s a pretty big needle for compliance…now now, there’s no need to-ooft-be so rough-ow! That hurt-I just have an itch on my fore leg could I- *sounds of a scuffle and tightening of straps* There we go, now wasn’t that easy Mr. Luck? Mmmf-MMMF Ah your itch, I’ll get that for you. Hmm? This device is whirring? Well. Doctor Bow will want to know about this. Bring him along please and don’t forget to use a triple dose of Med-X, we don’t want him too lucid for the course of experiment. *sounds of creaking wheels and multiple hooves* [FFW ???mins/hrs] *voice of Doctor Bow and the female talking* All I’m saying is that the device on his fore leg is doing something, it isn’t broken Doctor. I understand your concern but you think I didn’t already know? From what I could tell about his device it’s reminiscent of those Pipbuck’s from Stable-Tec. He probably had it custom made and if it functions anything like a Pipbuck then it won’t disrupt the experiment, those things are way too sturdy for their own good, plus those things are next to impossible to take off short of amputation. Why do you think I haven’t done anything about it before? Well I just thou-. Thought nothing, we’re behind schedule as it is. This is a new form of the standard procedure so we don’t have to time for what-ifs anymore. The least we can do is turn the device off, press that button on the far left. Yes Doctor. [END MESSAGE]
1. The Mysterious Porridge[BEGIN MESSAGE #1] I wonder if anypony would read this? Where I am right now, I’m leaning towards the ‘in the far-flung future’ area. Anyways. The names Lycium Luck and at the time I’m recording this, I can say I’m now one hundred percent officially Bucked. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #2] Just had another thought, if by some chance my recordings were found then I might as well tell a story. Who knows, maybe in a post-apocalyptic wasteland somepony would be interested in the buck-up of a lifetime! Heck I’ll start right now. About half a month ago I had failed my first contract in ten years, as such I was contacted by the pony that gave me it and was told to head to Hoofington’s MWT. Not too keen on the ministries but if they didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t bother them. Walking down the street when I suddenly hear the wail of a little filly with no parents nearby so I take it upon myself to go see what’s wrong with the poor foal. And it all went downhill from there… WHACK! A hoof right into my face and a cloth put over my muzzle, gasping for air I realised that the cloth was drugged and pa- OI! I DON’T WANNA BUCKIN HERE YOUR LIFE’S STORY! TURN YOUR VOICE DOWN! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #3] I'll try and be quieter this time I think. But if you haven’t guessed it by now, yes I am locked in a cell. If you think that’s where I woke up after being drugged then you’d be wrong, I woke up somewhere much worse than here, wherever here is exactly. I woke up in what appeared to be one of them auto-carriages judging by the roar of an engine. I had a bag over my head so all I knew was that, judging by the voices I could hear, I was surrounded by ponies. After I coughed and spluttered for a little bit, they realised I was awake. This stallion started talking to me in what must’ve been the worst attempt at a Manehatten gangster accent I’ve ever heard haha! But yeah, so he just sounded that corny to me I tuned him out after he went off in a tirade about death threats, do you know what this means and accidents to be arranged…However, when I heard the words contract and failure come out I snapped to straight away, for you see my little pony I am what is known as a Hitstallion, and what th- *KATHUNK* OI YOU SHIT! WHO IN LUNA’S BUCKING NAME ARE YOU TALKING TOO IN HERE?! YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND?! Nah buddy, just your pretty fac- [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #4] *coughs* Sorry about that, somepony couldn’t handle my sexy voice mumbling. A stallion the size of Big Macintosh isn’t one to take a hoof to the face from. I think he's actually knocked me into tomorrow, today? Whatever. I think it’s been a day since I last talked or even a couple of hours, I’m hungry now which I wasn’t before so I’m getting a bit confused. Thanks to whatever happened to my Pipbuck I can’t even tell the time let alone the date. *KATHUNK* OI. Food. *Sliding metal, KATHUNK* Well. Looks like we have a date together stranger, grey mush with all the trimmings and a side of pink jelly. Yay. So I think I was on about my occupation? I am a Hitstallion and if you don’t know what one of those are then to put it simply I’m like a murderer who isn’t crazy and gets paid for doing it. Oh and I take what is called a ‘contract’ which tells me who to kill and sometimes get a bonus if I kill them in a particular way, you’d be quite surprised at the amount of contracts floating around nowadays, even if there is a war on. *slurping noises from food* Anyway, continuing with this stallion talking to me about my contract. Basically it was one I was specifically sought out for and had a price tag of over twenty million bits and a prototype sniper-revolver named Soarin’s Sureshot, colt did it look beautiful…The catch was I had to kill the, well I’d say target but that’s such a Strong word. *slurping noises from the food followed by a gulp* Well it was a she so how about Mare? Yeah so the Mare had to be killed in a way that looked like an accident. Looking back on what happened because I failed makes it seem like it was a bit too important for me to fail on hehe. But hey, I did message them that accidents for a pony like Mare to be in are almost nigh impossible for her to come out of injured let alone dead. Acting on this I tried to tell him that I could still take her out and I’d forfeit the money, I really wanted that pistol, if he let me go. Realising I was gagged at that point made me regret trying to speak at all since I reckon he didn’t like my tone of voice so either he or one of his cronies broke my damned hoof. My clopping hoof as well. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #5] Hey there, I’ve had a small sleep since the last time I recorded and I was going to wait a bit longer but I had another meal a few minutes before and I discovered something pretty neat. A piece of the grey mush fell onto my orange uniform and, I actually hadn’t realised at the time, must’ve slipped into one of the pockets because my wrist-thing lit up briefly. So I twisted the dial but that only cycled through local map, which was blank, world map, also blank and then I just pressed one of the other buttons and it jumped to the apparel section. Looking under Armour I have clothing labelled as: Subject Two-Five-Nine Overalls and looking into Aid guess what I saw. The grey mush labelled: Mysterious Porridge. Kind of freaked me out. Especially since its details were minus forty food, minus forty H2O and plus two HP. I’m going to assume that’s a good thing right? [END MESSAGE]
2. Ain't That A Break In The Leg(s)[BEGIN MESSAGE #6] Hello again, strange things are afoot I reckon. Shortly after I finished my last log a pony in a white coat popped in along with my resident guardpony, he just looked at me in the eyes and curtly nodded, next thing I know I’ve been jostled by the guard and is restraining me when this Mr. Whitecoat says that he’d “Like to ask me a few questions. They will be answered or else.” Followed by a grin off the guard. I agreed quite quickly of course. I’m in a hopeless situation and if you’re wondering why I haven’t bothered to attempt an escape, I have your answer right here: I know I’m bucked already, why make it any worse. But yeah so he just asked me simple things that anypony with half a brain would know about themselves: Name, Sex obvious much?, Marital Status, Blood-Type and any medicine taken and/or problems. I don’t particularly care what happens to me anymore, I know I’m not welcome back into society after what I did. *laughter* Once those questions were answered he just nodded, smiled and left. If I wasn’t happy enough that I was alone once again, then I think I Luna must’ve taken me to her room and rutted me silly. *Loud/harsh whisper* He’d left me a bottle of Sparkle-Cola RAD! [END MESSAGE] [BEING MESSAGE #7] I’ve been rambling about the present haven’t I? Let’s get back to my past; I assume you still want to know my story. I think it was after my foreleg was broken everypony went quiet, apart from my slight whimpering, trust me when I say not even the strongest of ponies can keep tight-lipped when they have a bone snapped. That was until the gag was taken off, not the bag mind you, and he asks me if I had a reason the hit went wrong and I, in my awesomely dim-witted way said ‘yes’. I told him my exact thoughts, which probably wasn’t the best idea at the time considering my situation but I take after my mother, our mouths always cause problems. I said to him that it’s not my fault the target was in a building that literally finished renovating the day before and the accident arranged for the Mare wasn’t as full-proof as it seemed, I angrily stated that a bullet to the head would’ve done much better. I think that was when I passed out, but I did discover that it is physically possible to feel when a pony is majorly pissed. My hindlegs could’ve vouched for that… [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #8] You know, when I got this device I only really used it as a free navigation tool and radio. But now that I’ve got nothing else to do other than use it to keep me entertained it is really starting to grow on me! Not literally of course but nevertheless I did find a little folder hidden away. You never know what pushing random buttons leads too, it even changed the screen colour to blue which I prefer if I’m honest. After looking at the title of the folder I think it’s better if I talk about it at a later time or you’ll just be confused. I’m sorry that this is a short one but I can hear somepony literally cantering outside so bye. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #9] It was that Mr. Whitecoat who was outside the cell. He was apologising for being late for our question time apparently, don’t ask me, *Britneigh accent* they don’t tell me nuttin around here. He wanted me to answer a few more questions which were about my job, even offered me another bottle of RAD if I complied. He did his digging alright, knew every contract I’d ever held. Oh and a few questions to see if I ‘really was sure’ that I had no family or anypony that might wonder where I am. To tell you the truth that unnerved me a bit, especially considering the smile he gave me after I answered, but instead of him leaving without a word I decided to ask him a question or two. Where am I? Why am I here? What’s going to happen to me? He just shook his head and replied saying something about the O.I.A. Facility Protocol under Article 3, Paragraph C6 and O.I.A. Requisition Protocol as per Code: Majeste as he left. Needless to say I was mystified and a little bit worried, so I’m just going to distract myself by continuing with the story. I woke up being able to see for starters, a bit dizzy too and strangely numb but able to see. Not to mention the obvious fact that I was strapped to a chair with my contractor facing me. Once he noticed I woke up he sighs and does that typical movie thing where they tug at their black moustache and goes on about how much of a failure I am at my line of work and oh how the mighty have fallen. Did I tell you how I was the No.2 Hitstallion in Equestria? No? Another time then. So he continues berating me until I just interrupt him out of sheer boredom and after a quick glare he drops his fake mobster accent and has this to say, and I will recount every word to the best of my ability for our benefit: *A nasally Caterlonian accent is adopted* Lycium, can I call you that? I have to say, although you might be feeling how easy you’re coming away from this. What with a few broken bones. This is just the beginning. For you see, my good stallion, I had a lot riding on this contract being fulfilled to the letter and by Celestia’s mane all of my fellow businessponies did as well. So due to your failure we’re losing more of our hard-earned bits thanks to this incident, so to…lighten our mood you could say. We have decided that, what better a way to help sweep this incident under the rug than to expose the culprit himself? Yes by that look on your face I can tell you are surmising the situation correctly. If being brought to Princess Luna along with one of our distasteful Chairponies, combined with overwhelming evidence and written testimonies brought against you. Then yes it was surmised correctly. Now I hope for your sakes that you get a good rest. Tomorrow morning we’ll be handing you over to the Royal Guard, in the meantime we’ll have one of our own doctor’s heal your injuries, we all know you’re going to need to be fresh in the next few days, enjoy! That isn’t how I got here though, weird? Tell me about it, but it was the speech that did get the ball rolling. And now I need sleep so goodnight. Or good-day, good afternoon? Ah well. [END MESSAGE]
3. Drawn-Out Sentence[BEGIN MESSAGE #10] Yeesh, sliding metal trays don’t half wake you up, another heap of this delicious ‘Mysterious Porridge’ to sate my appetite. Huzzah. To continue from where I left off before: That night I was left alone tied to that chair, and I recall a doctor coming in at one point and made me drink a health potion, which admittedly I did need so I was thankful. I won’t say that I wasn’t scared because at the time I was. Not about what had happened to me so far but the thought of being brought before Princess Luna, let alone what was undoubtedly going to be an angry Princess Luna, is a thing to be worried about no matter who you are. I let myself have a few moments to panic before falling asleep; I’d need to be fully alert to see if I could work my out of the situation. When I did wake later on, I almost knew instantaneously that I had been moved already, the biggest giveaway was that instead of being surrounded by a large office, I was surrounded by four steel walls. From the whooshing of the wind and sight of the sky through the bars on one wall it wasn’t hard to guess I was in a prison-carriage. I won’t go into super detail about my short conscious time in the prison-carriage but needless to say I was preparing for the ordeal ahead. Hehe if only mummy Roseluck was here now, she’d be so disappointed… *voice cracks slightly* Who’d a guessed the son of a botanist would be a trained killer, how is that even possible you may ask? Well, for starters you can tell your special talent from your Cutie-Mark. Not many ponies would even realise that my Cutie-Mark is actually a killer’s contract but it is. If you don’t know what they look like then imagine a standard piece of parchment. Got it? Good. Then on the top left corner is a splodge of black that looks like an ink-stain. That’s a contract, mine had the unique twist of that in the bottom right corner there’s a sprig Wolfsberry and a black Rose intertwined. I won’t go into how I ended up with that as a Cutie-Mark but let me just say it took me a long, long time to find it. Most people thought it was something to do with the business side of botany so that’s what I rolled with if anyone asked. *laughs loudly* *KATHUNK* Well it looks like our final Q&A is tomorrow Mr Luck, should be fun. *KATHUNK* Huh? Okayy…carrying on. When the carriage landed the door was almost immediately pulled open and two Royal Guards stood at the entrance, after a sneer and a bit of rough handling the unicorn of the two bound my hooves together and dragged me behind him as we made our way into the palace. The palace from where we entered and indeed the parts I was dragged through was almost entirely empty. I remember thinking how strange that is until I then recalled that the trial today might be the cause. Do you really think the public would do well with knowing that the Ministry Mares aren’t invincible? They’re the bearers of the Elements of Harmony after all! Yet using them for war, never really understood that. So anyway, I soon found myself in an empty Royal Throne Room and dropped unceremoniously next to a dejected looking red Pegasus. The thought of trying to escape crossed my mind before realising that after trying to take a step it seemed that my hooves were bound to the floor. After a few minutes of waiting and ignoring the Pegasus’s whimpering’s, a bright flash and crack and there she was, in all her beauty and magnificence, Her Royal Highness Princess Luna of the Night and Ruler of Equestria. After settling onto the throne she levitated up an extremely thick folder and proceeded to angrily gaze down at us. Yeesh that was a long talk. I’ll continue later, but before I end the message I’ve got to say that I was surprised the Ministry Mares were absent. Not going to lie when I felt quite glad that they weren’t, that Pinkie Pie from the MoM is trouble if what I know about Morale being true. I’m quite thirsty so I’m going to ask for a drink, wish me luck! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #11] Looks like I’m stuck with a dry throat for now, no-one even answered me. I’ll just quickly go over my own charges and sentence because the session itself took more than a few hours; I remember the sun was out when I went into the palace and the moon shining into the throne room at the end. If you could’ve seen her eyes when she looked at me you probably would have felt your heart skip a beat in fear, I know mine did. Imagine if you will, a pair of bottomless abyssal black orbs filled with cold unrequited anger. She literally spat in my face from upon her throne as she read my charges out, and there was a lot, which was quite surprising as my contractor must have done quite a lot of digging on me. I mean the contracts are sent to me through various methods, never face to face but needless to say I was at the top of my game during the time so it was extremely difficult to hire me let alone find out anything concrete about me. Anywho the charges were: Two hundred counts of murder at least they didn’t get all of them!, possession of illegal firearms, innumerable counts of physical assault, millions of bits in victim charges and conspiracy to murder a high-ranking official of the crown which also meant treason. Now this is just the short version mind you, she spent a long while reminding me of practically every hit I made and even elaborated on the damages that extended to the affected families, I remained stone-faced throughout. I think you’d probably like to know what my judgement was don’t you? *adopts a haughty tone* “Lycium Luck with these crimes against Equestria I hereby find you guilty on all charges. You are to go down in Equestrian history as the second traitor to attempt an assassination on a high-ranking official, almost successful mind you, since Big Macintosh sacrificed himself in the tenth year of the War. So as such while it is my personal opinion that I think you deserve the punishment of summary execution as stated in the law, I will opt with what I heard one of the Ministry Mares say in the company Applejack shortly after the incident. You will have a ‘drawn out’ sentence. I hereby condemn you to five years at the Shattered Hoof Underground Facility, unofficially followed by ten years with the Ministry of Image as a test subject and ended with summary execution. I think it’s time you gave back to Equestria and her ponies.” And so she passed her judgement and gave me no chance to retort, which is unfair because I had that as my last resort, but then again everything she stated was true. I had no defence against my charges, although, entertaining the thought of ‘giving back’ to Equestria and the deaths I’d wrought made me grin. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #12] I’m sure you’ve heard of Shattered Hoof? The massive high-security prison on top, the one full of the big time/small time/crazy ponies? Either way, it is a place you don’t want to be locked up in. So when the Princess said I was going to the Underground Facility I may have wilted somewhat, I didn’t even know there was an underground prison there. After spending a while there I don’t think you’d want to know what went on…I’ll give you the basic run-down like what the warden told me: You do twenty-two hours of mining, one ton of gems per group a day and two hours of rest. I did that for one week. I felt on the verge of death by its end, there’s a reason besides…well ermm…ah! Why no-one talks to each other down there, it’s because they are literally Worked to death. At the time I had begun to resign myself to what the fates had laid before me, that is, until He came; I didn’t know who he was or what he wanted, but the moment he saw me as I trudged towards my cell, I caught his eye and I could tell something was up, he wore the same coat as Mr. Whitecoat here. Actually, come to think of it. That mane of red does seem to match Mr. Whitecoat…huh. That’s one mystery solved I guess. Anywho, the next thing I know I woke up in this cell. Anticlimactic much? [END MESSAGE]
4. I 'Volunteered' For This![BEGIN MESSAGE #13] I don’t know if it has been a whole day since Mr Whitecoat came so I’m just going to continue to ramble on. I’ve thought about this folder I found and I might as well tell you about it, got nothing else to talk about anyway now. I’ll give you the backstory before I read the note. This is all about how I actually acquired this Pipbuck. It was on an awesome night that I don’t think anypony would believe me if I told them. So it was about a week or two before I was contracted to do the hit on Applejack and I was just sitting in my usual bar in the industrial sector of Hoofington. It’s where I like to chill most of the time, oh and by the way despite it being a bit of a dump when you find a place that serves great whiskey…*coughs* Wild Pegasus beats all. Anyway, as I bought my first bottle and prepared myself for a night of non-stop alcohol, this pretty young Pegasus mare comes waltzing in, needless to say all the stallions including myself and maybe a few mares’ eyes widened at the sight of this paragon of marehood. But we quickly averted said eyes when she herself had a face tightened with rage. Me being socialite just returned to my bottle of liquid heaven without a second thought, that second thought was of who I will be clopping over that night. So as I hear the plunk of a stool next to me I go to levitate my bottle when weirdly it’s disappeared. Looking around I notice said mare taking a swig from My bottle of My whiskey, watching her put it down she turned and gave me a look that said: ‘complain. I dare you.’ And so I did. I nabbed the bottle with my magic to pull it back to me, however, like a lightning bolt she grabs the neck of it in her teeth and thus a tug of war ensues that ends with two ponies covered in whisky and shards of glass along with a very disgruntled barkeep. While down there if I remember correctly I’d asked her what her problem was, when I say asked I really mean that it came out as a shout but I’m the good stallion here. She shouts back that every bar she’s come across in the upper district refuses to serve her and she didn’t trust anypony of ‘that calibre’ to get her a bottle without doing something to it, let alone one of the grimy manual workers around here. That earned a few looks. And so she stole mine because I looked half-decent. I wasn’t too sure if that was compliment or an insult. Personally I thought she had an ego problem mixed with an unhealthy dose of paranoia but whatever. Right I’ll continue later, I think food’s coming and I want to sleep. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #14] Right where were we? Ah yeah I was with her soaked in alcohol, in a completely non-sexual way might I add. After realising she was probably neurotic I asked her a question she wasn’t prepared for, which was why she didn’t just ask me for a bit of my bottle since I didn’t even know she was coming in here. That made her eye twitch like she was having a seizure until she just smiled sheepishly and quietly muttered a word or two. And like the good pony I am I offered her a hoof up and asked what she’d like to drink, past that point I can’t quite recall what happened after but I did end up with a phone number written on a feather along with a time to call and an address. I rang her the next day after I was completely sobered up. I do have to give her credit, she can handle her stuff well, I hadn’t had that big of a hangover since graduation! [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #15] She told me to meet at the feather, which obviously meant the place on the one I was given and then she put the phone down on me. In those brief moments back then I do remember a fuzzy sort feeling afterwards but down here I think the closest I’d come to is vomiting from all this grey muck. So I trotted over to what I assumed would be her place, an apartment or something but turned out to be the “Red Racer” headquarters of Hoofington. Feeling cheated but with my guard raised, I entered the building and was greeted one of those secretaries who you just know is more annoying than meets the eye, said knowing was confirmed when her hoof hit the intercom and screeched “He’s Here!”, followed by a calm “send him up”, which did set me on edge. If this mare hadn’t drunk me under the table I probably wouldn’t have entered the elevator but well, she did. I am getting to the part about how I got the Pipbuck so hold on, we’re almost there. Up the elevator I went preparing for an attack once the doors opened, it was a habit, so when the doors slid open I have to say that if any hostiles were waiting I would have been shot dead then and there. I mean the sight presented to me just made me gawk. It is possibly the strangest thing I have ever seen to this day, a giant penthouse suite that was creepily filled with posters of the MoA mare Rainbow Dash scattered all over the place, the Wonderbolts when they were a stunt-team and a couple of Stable-Tec ones too. After I recovered from the initial shock I cautiously stepped out and looked around, that was until I heard a small buzz. Like the sound of those annoying flies. Turning to see where the damn fly was I saw/felt an orange blur crash into me, reacting like lightning my hooves were around the neck ready to snap it when my senses came back to me and I was immobilised. Immobilised by the most powerful anti-hitstallion-killer-prevention-device in Equestria. For you see, I was kissed. Quite ferociously might I add, which is just the way I like it. That was until she pulled out of it and I got the opportunity to get a good look at her face, same mare from before which was a good thing I presumed, she then put her muzzle to my ear and whispered so seductively I was practically quivering. Don’t judge my kinks, everypony’s got them. She whispers how lucky I am and that someone who can drink with her and live to tell the tale a day later deserves a one of a kind reward. With those words she grabbed my hoof and yanked me to her princess-sized bed which I only just realised was in the corner. Now, I won’t go into detail but I will say that it was mindshattering, and by that I mean nopony, not even her majesties Princess Luna and Celestia could do better than her even if it was a royal threesome. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #16] Sorry that I had to stop so suddenly, thought I heard someone outside the doo- *KATHUNK* Ah good afternoon Mr. Luck, it’s time for our Q&A session. Right, yes of course. I only have a few more things to ask you, so onto question one: Would you like to volunteer to take part in a special project of the OIA which should, if successful, hopefully turn the tide of the War? Ermm, you’re saying ‘if successful’…So there is a chance it could fail? And for that matter, why kidnap me? Mr. Luck there’s a chance anything could fail, but if you do have any qualms about this then don’t worry we’ll take your memories of this place and cart you off to Shattered Hoof again. Ah wait! No, I’ll volunteer. Anything’s better than Shattered Hoof – Excellent news, that’s all we really wanted to know. And before you ask about the other questions I’ve asked you over the past few days then think of it as a test to…see how compliant you were. We’ve had volunteers in the past who have smashed there cell to bits or tried to escape. None of them have just sat in their cell like you have. What about the information you wanted me provide? You really think WE wouldn’t already know all of those things? I could find out what you ate for breakfast three years ago if I wanted to. Anyway, thank you for volunteering and just so you know, you will be moved to another cell where you will be given a strict regimen for you to adhere to as part of the experiment you volunteered for. Is this understood Mr. Luck? Of course, Doctor…? Red Bow, Doctor Red Bow and now we conclude the meeting. You’ll be moved one hour from your next meal which the guard will give you after I leave, he’ll also be the one to escort you to your new accommodation. Any resistance will be disciplined promptly, good-day. *sliding of a metal tray* *KATHUNK* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #17] Anyway, sorry for the interruption, let me continue. I woke upside down that following morning, by myself, in a shower running warm water, alone unfortunately. Now I’m there just thinking it could’ve all been another whiskey-induced dream but as I used my rear hooves to open the shower door, I tumble right out and end up facing the magenta eyes of Rainbow Dash. NOT the first thing I like to see in the morning, and after finally getting onto all four hooves I performed the patented “Lucky wake-up call” aka a hard hoof to the face. Rubbing my jaw, I trotted out into the main room to see if she was there, unfortunately she wasn’t. Feeling myself shiver I turned around quickly, bracing myself for an impending crash like before but upon seeing that there is no crazy orange Pegasus pony I turn back once again to the bed and catch my eye on the flashing terminal on top of the dresser, carefully I go over to it and see a recording with my name on it waiting to be played. Hitting Enter I sat on the bed keeping my eyes aware of what’s around me. The recording went along the lines of: *adopts a slightly higher voice* “Woah, you certainly know how to please a mare! Sorry I had to go, I was going to wake you so we could see each other out but an emergency came up from the Canterlot firm, had to rush out for the earliest sky-wagon. Not to mention that you look soooo cute asleep upside down! Oh and before I forget, look inside the dresser beneath the terminal and you’ll find a present. Another reward and well…you seem like the type of stallion who would get a more realistic use out of it, just a word of advice, it’s a prototype model so whatever you do with it just know it’ll be gathering data along the way, only diagnostics and map data. It’ll transmitted wirelessly so don’t worry, the user manual comes inbuilt, just put it on your foreleg and off you go. In a bit. P.S. if you wanna take this mare on a proper date just come to one of the firms, ask for me and give your name. If you’re busy, come see me at the GALLoPS two months from now, I wouldn’t mind getting to know you more. I guess that’s why your last name is Luck haha.” That’s probably the longest time she talked without yelling my name haha. Anyway, I did as the note said and after opening the dresser it, the Pipbuck, just sat there innocently and being the cautious pony I am, prodded it a few times and considered leaving it there because, let’s be honest, who would put on such a thing after a night of sex because you were asked? I did. Don’t ask me why I did it, I just did. Maybe I did it since it was an early morning and I felt exhausted or maybe it was that I thought she had a trustworthy quality. So I put it on my right foreleg and after few beeps it displayed some text headed by the words ‘Vault-Tec Pipbuck 300A’. Over the course of the next few minutes I waded through the manual and that’s how I knew how to use it. Like that wasn’t obvious. Yeah, so that’s how it came into my possession. Oh I forgot to tell you what her name was didn’t I? Well. That wonderful mare had a bright orange coat contrasting with an unruly deep purple mane. Her name was Scootaloo… [END MESSAGE]
5. Sparkle-Cola RAD, Shaken Not Stirred[BEGIN MESSAGE #18] *inhaling* 3-2-1… *KATHUNK* Oi, it’s time to move you to your new home. Follow me and if I don’t want to hear a single peep out of you, understand? Yes, yes, I’m coming. WOAH! *CRASH* Get. Up. NOW. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #19] Well at least it’s bigger and so is the cot. That walk here did a number on my hooves AND my head, a left here and right there, straight down here, five more corridors and go down the stairs, it just went on and on. Well with nothing more to talk about really I might as well describe my new home, I think it’s about fifteen hooves long and six wide. *sounds of slow clopping hooves* Yep, definitely fifteen and six. The cot’s actually got a pillow this time and there is a washing basin, I can’t remember the last time I cleaned myself let alone had a shower. I probably look and smell like a stallion who’s crawled through a sewage pipe. No visits from Doctor Red Bow yet but it has been about ten minutes since I got here so it’s understandable. If anything I could really do with some Luna-damned food, I’m starving. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #20] Nothing new food-wise, just a bigger helping of ‘Mysterious Porridge’. Small blessing I guess. The cot’s comfortable; the pillow just makes it so much more homely…ughh, I have no idea what to talk about. Give me a few minutes and I’ll get back to you. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #21] I’ve got it, the best contract I ever did. And if you think I find it enjoyable killing ponies then that’s your opinion but this is probably the only one I ever had a genuinely fun time. There are a whole variety of methods to kill a pony, it’s an acquired art but this contract took the cake. Never in my life had I had to play dress-up as the opposite sex. While I can’t go into explicit detail about the contract, what with confidentiality, I’ll start with the fact that to change into the opposite sex I had to take a potion that changes the body of the imbiber to whomever they want for up to a week depending on its strength. Apparently it’s derived from Changeling essence, and with how rare it was to find a Changeling I knew straight away that this hit had gone up a notch. Anyway I had to change into this mare and the purpose was to take out the husband while incriminating the wife, who I became. Definitely the weirdest experience I’d ever had, I mean I spent three days as a MARE. So on the third day when I had planned to carry out the hit, we were at this fancy party in Fillydelphia, and these two stallions walked up to the bar as I was ordering myself drink. I caught them eyeing me up which felt kinda weird…and satisfying to say the least. The potion really screws up your perceptions but I humoured them and gave them a wink along with a subtle shake of my flank and when they came over I gave them a right hoof to the fa- *SCREECH* . Ermm, yes Doctor? Ah, sorry, I see you’ve settled in nicely Mr. Luck. How do you find your new abode? It’s uhh, quite nice thank you. Excellent. Now if you have any requests you need only ask me now and it shall be done. Hmm…would I be able to have a couple of Sparkle Cola RAD’s by any chance? An odd request but I don’t see why not. That’ll be sorted out straight away. *Shuffle of hooves* Sooo…? Ah yes sorry about that, my mind does wonder often. You’ll be called up for an examination in two hours. You won’t be late Mr. Luck and good-day. *SCREECH* A strange doctor zoning in and out while staring at me is probably not the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced but disregarding that, I haven’t had a bottle of RAD since my imprisonment and I miss the sweet radish taste. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #22] Ahh, nothing like an ice-cold Sparkle Cola RAD to wet the whistle. *Drinking Noises* I’ve thought about the examination he mentioned and I hope that it’s a physical performance one; I never have felt comfortable during the ones that are touchy-feely, they just make me cringe all over. Hey who knows, maybe I’ll even meet any of the other volunteers. If there are any others that is, it would be nice to somepony who I can properly talk too. I think I’m beginning to feel lonely…weird. *SCREECH* It’s time Mr. Luck, come with me. Alright, lemme just put this bottle over in the corner. *sound of hooves* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #23] *SCREECH* *Panting* Whew, that was...That was exhausting, hold on….let me just….ah there we go….nice comfy cot. I didn’t think it was possible…to do that many physical tests in a couple hours, but…colt was I wrong. Met a bunch of lab assistants, called me ‘two-five-nine’…I guess the name of my overalls were a bit of an indicator that might be my volunteer number. There were a lot of galloping/weight/etc machines, even a few of the Fluttershy bio-phys monitor devices. I can’t help it now….I’m drifting off, ughh night. . . . . . [FFW MESSAGE ??hrs] *SCREECH* He’s definitely out Doctor, those tests really took a lot outta them. Of course they did, all candidates Must be carefully chosen, while physical endurance is a tertiary consideration due to the more precise needs, it is still important. Not everypony is cut out for the Project. Pass me the needle would you? Here you go Doctor. Thank you, now quietly does it… *Light clopping of hooves* *Hooves get quieter as they retreat* There we go. Please take this blood sample to the lab as tests need to be performed with haste. I have other business to take care of, Trueblood doesn’t like mistakes. *SCREECH* . . . [FFW ??hrs] *THUNK* Ouch…how in Luna’s mane did I fall out of a bigger cot? What the? It’s still recording, damn thing must be on the fritz. [END MESSAGE]
6. Triple Dose of Med-X[BEGIN MESSAGE #24] *slurping noises* Ahhh, nothing like the same old grey mush waiting for you when you wake up. I must have slept longer than usual because that bump from when I fell is only throbbing a little bit. Although, my muscles are still aching, I haven’t had an intensive work out like that in years. Even the mines under Shattered Hoof weren’t that strenuous. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #25] -se follow me Mr. Luck, we will be taking you for your final test. It’s nothing too demanding as yesterdays I assure you, I take it you’re aching still? I am indeed. Could I ask you a question if you don’t mind? There’s nothing stopping you Mr. Luck so ask away. What have I actually volunteered for? I’m afraid I can’t answer that at the moment, you will find out soon enough. Oh. [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #27] Stop fidgeting please. Now that the correct note-uh-forms have been filled out we can begin the real testing. Please just stay here for the moment Mr. Luck as I need to fetch the equipment. *loud BANG of a filing cabinet being closed* Understood Doctor. *Door slammed shut* . Luna’s moon that took forever, that Doctor Bow is a strange one. There’s something I just can’t understand about him, something’s…off. Oh, and for you cameras in here, yes, I do talk to myself, is there a problem with that?! Back to the matter at hoof, I wonder what this test entails. *Creak of a door opening* Hello again Mr. Luck, before you ask this is what you’ll be tested on, it’s a prototype and you are the perfect candidate to try it out. Suffice to say it has a ninety-two percent chance of success, failure will probably lead to severe nausea and/or passing out. No permanent damage thankfully, so would you like to begin? What if I say no? Security Protocol: Go-Fish. *metal clangs* Well...This is the second time I’ve been stuck in a chair this year alone. Now, to turn this on - *Whirrs* - Mr. Luck this mighJGSDKJN bv\sdb,jsv\,, bd???[ERROR]lSIHCB,,fjdddjjvhblh nmvl\kj,Jbj,dsdk.njKJN.KDFKNVHB,H[UNIDENTIFIED SIGNAL] [WARNING][WARNING] ADHUYKYYHBJ<IHDUIHSF,GFVDHSK,V.K,,XKLC [FILE CORRUPT. SCANNING CAUSE. . .UNKNOWN CAUSE. PURGING FILE. SUCCESS] [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #28] Sometimes I just feel like it’s my punishment to wake up with a sore head; I can’t believe it’s still throbbing after falling outta my cot like that. You’d think I was hit by a sledgehammer or something. Hold on, I’m pretty sure my muscles should be aching from the tests yesterday. They feel completely fine… huh, well I’m not going to complain. Right now I feel like this is just me being boring, what with nothing useful to talk about. I guess I’ll leave you with a small message: Behind you! Gotcha! *laughing* [END MESSAGE] [BEGIN MESSAGE #29] Just been given a massive helping of the ‘Mysterious Porridge’, I think they added sugar or something this time, because it was almost sickeningly sweet. *SCREECH* *a smooth mare’s voice speaks* Mr. Luck is it? That’s me. It’s time for the experiment you volunteered for; it would be appreciated if you comply fully and don’t resist. *sounds of creaking wheels and multiple hooves* Woah, that’s a pretty big needle for compliance…now now, there’s no need to-ooft-be so rough-ow! That hurt-I just have an itch on my fore leg could I- *sounds of a scuffle and tightening of straps* There we go, now wasn’t that easy Mr. Luck? Mmmf-MMMF Ah your itch, I’ll get that for you. Hmm? This device is whirring? Well. Doctor Bow will want to know about this. Bring him along please and don’t forget to use a triple dose of Med-X, we don’t want him too lucid for the course of experiment. *sounds of creaking wheels and multiple hooves* [FFW ???mins/hrs] *voice of Doctor Bow and the female talking* All I’m saying is that the device on his fore leg is doing something, it isn’t broken Doctor. I understand your concern but you think I didn’t already know? From what I could tell about his device it’s reminiscent of those Pipbuck’s from Stable-Tec. He probably had it custom made and if it functions anything like a Pipbuck then it won’t disrupt the experiment, those things are way too sturdy for their own good, plus those things are next to impossible to take off short of amputation. Why do you think I haven’t done anything about it before? Well I just thou-. Thought nothing, we’re behind schedule as it is. This is a new form of the standard procedure so we don’t have to time for what-ifs anymore. The least we can do is turn the device off, press that button on the far left. Yes Doctor. [END MESSAGE]
