Ponythirst

by GeneralLiberator

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7194

The most powerful energy drink in the universe comes to Equestria.

It was a bright, sunny peaceful day, only to be shattered by the raw power of pure, unbridled energy. The ponies then experience the glory of the most powerful beverage in all of existence.

Whether they like it or not.

Proofread by AShadowOfCyngus and Obsidian Rose.
Image made by HamMan6789.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
Powerthirst belongs to picnicface.

Published 2014-09-13 15:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-13 15:50:03 UTC

DON'T GAMBLE ON YOUR ENERGY!

The midday sun shone down brightly on Sweet Apple Acres. Row after row of neatly arranged apple trees ran over the hills and as far as the eye could see, their branches full of their ripened bounty, ready for the harvesting. Apple-bucking season was in full swing, and down in the eastern orchards, an orange-colored mare was working as hard as she could.

Which, oddly enough, was not very hard.

After delivering a less-than-optimal hit to the tree behind her, she turned to examine the results. Only a fraction of the apples fell from their branches, much to her frustration. It didn’t make any sense. She was renowned as one of the hardest-kicking ponies in all of Equestria, and yet her kicks were falling short of their full potential. She scowled at her weak effort.

“Oh, con’sarnit!” Applejack cursed before turning her gaze back forward. He eyes fell and she gave a sigh.

“Phew!” Applejack pulled off her hat and wiped the sweat from her brow with a hoof. She replaced her Stetson and turned to examine the orchard around her.

She was far behind schedule today. Most of the ripened and ready-to-harvest trees still had their branches full. Her brother and sister were currently working over in the western orchards, as she had insisted that she could handle the east herself.

She had been wrong.

Celestia’s sun beat down fiercely on the farm mare’s sweat-drenched coat, and she was panting heavily. This was unusual for her. It was just barely past midday, and yet she wasn’t even a third of the way done. At the rate things were going, there was no way she could finish by sundown.

Applejack gave a tired sigh and sat down on her flank. It just didn’t make any sense. Why did she feel so tired today? She had made sure to get a good night’s sleep, and had followed it up with a hearty breakfast. Normally this wasn’t a problem for a hard working pony such as herself -- heck, she practically lived for her work and bucked in her sleep (get your minds out of the gutter)! Today, however…

She just felt such a lack of, well….energy!

Applejack looked up into the clear blue skies, her expression glum.

“If only Ah had sumthin’ to keep me goin’…” She mumbled aloud to herself. “Sumthin’ to get me back into the-“

Her ramblings were cut off by a voice from the heavens.

“HEY!”

Applejack leapt a full 5 feet in the air and then collapsed on the ground. She turned her gaze skywards, eyes wide as dinner plates.

“Wha-“

“DO YOU WANT TO FEEL SOO ENERGETIC?!”

She was practically shaking in place. Her gaze moved all over the place, scanning for the source of the booming voice. But her eyes could not find the culprit. It sounded distinctly male, but extremely gruff, like somepony with a bit of a sore throat.

“Who are-“

“DO YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY GET SOMETHING DONE?!”

By now, it was all she could do to stop from having a panic attack. Again, she looked around for the source, but still could not find it -- it seemed to be coming from every direction at once. Every time it spoke, the very ground seemed to shake.

“DO YOU WANT TO STOP WALLOWING AROUND LIKE A WUSS?!”

“Ah don’t…” She stopped as what the voice said registered. “Wait, just what the hay is that suppose-“

“THEN YOU NEEEED….”

Applejack instinctively braced herself, covering her head with her hooves.

“POWERTHIRST!!!!!”

The entire earth shook like a 6.0 earthquake had hit. All of the trees around her rocked and dropped their apples all at once. After a few seconds, the shaking stopped, leaving a terrified orange mare huddled on the ground with her eyes closed and her hooves over the back of her neck.

Applejack didn’t even have a chance to open her eyes before something blunt struck the top of her head.

“Yeouch!” She yelped in pain. She rubbed the sore spot and opened her eyes to see the object that had hit her sitting on the ground a few inches from her face.

A metal can.

She got up on her hooves and picked the thing up. She turned it over in her hooves until she found the word “POWERTHIRST” written along the side. Other than that, it bore no distinguishing marks. She gave it a light shake, and could hear the telltale sloshing of liquid inside. She cocked an eyebrow and turned back towards the sky.

“What the hay is-“

“DRINK, AND ALL SHALL BE MADE CLEAR!”

“What?!” Applejack shot out. She took the can and threw it off to the side. “Hay no! A’hm not gonna drink sumthin’ just because ya-“

“UNACCEPTABLE!!!”

The voice roared again and the earth shook once more. Applejack opened her mouth to shout back, but stopped as she witnessed something above her. Her eyes widened.

Just up above the tree line opened a small magical portal of some sort, no bigger than a frisbee. Before closing up, the portal shot out another can, smacking Applejack in the head like the first, and eliciting another cry of pain from the startled pony She took a moment to compose herself before turning back upwards with a very irritated look.

“Stop that!” she yelled angrily. “Just who the hay do ya think ya are?”

“POWERTHIRST WILL NOT BE REJECTED!”

Yet another portal opened up and out shot yet another can. Applejack was ready for this one, though, and jumped to the side just in time.

Then another can came down.

Then another.

Soon, the earth pony found herself being assaulted by a veritable bombardment of silver projectiles. Most she was able to dodge, but some still found their mark. Strangely, they were not hitting as hard as she thought they would -- enough to be a monumental annoyance, to be sure, but not actually doing any permanent harm.

Applejack let out a defeated cry and started galloping out of the orchard. Her unseen assailant did not let up. She moved from tree to tree, trying to use them as cover from the onslaught. The cans merely cut through the leaves and branches and found the mare who tried to hide.

She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, screaming all the while. Eventually she reached the road and took off in the direction of Ponyville. She only stopped once the cans stopped falling and turned to look back towards the sky.

“NONE SHALL ESCAPE THE GLORY OF POWERTHIRST!!!”

With that, Applejack turned tail and once again took off down the road. Even though her unseen attacker had stopped his assault, she was not about to stick around after a pronouncement like that. She made haste towards Ponyville.

***

“Darling, forgive me for prying, but…why are you coming with me?”

Rarity trotted down the road that led to Sweet Apple Acres, a pair of saddlebags draped over her back. The bags contained her easy-to-transport sewing equipment any time she had to make a house call.

Hovering in the air beside her was a rainbow-maned cyan pegasus easily keeping pace with her. The prismatic mare emphasized this by lazily hovering backwards, forelegs folded behind her head.

“Well, why not?” Rainbow Dash said defensively. “You’re going to see Applejack, so I figured I would too. You’re not her only friend, you know!”

“That’s fine, but…” Rarity turned toward her. “Don’t you have weather duty today?”

“Pfff,” Rainbow waved a hoof in the air. “It’s been taken care of.”

Rarity stopped in her tracks and gave the pegasus a flat look.

“You’re playing hooky again, aren’t you? She deadpanned..

“What?!” Rainbow said, wide-eyed, and perhaps a little too hastily. “No!”

Rarity’s glare intensified.

“Maybe.” Rainbow mumbled.

“Rainbow Dash…” Rarity said in the scolding tone one usually reserved for misbehaving foals.

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow threw up her forelegs. “It was minimal today, managing of a few clouds. Besides, Thunderlane and Cloud Kicker said that they could handle it alone.”

Rarity, ever the gossip, smirked.

“Oh, those two?” She gave a light chuckle and continued down the road. “No wonder why they were trying to get rid of you. Might want to check up on them, dear. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are too busy working on each other, rather than the clouds.”

“Ugh, please don’t remind me.” Rainbow grimaced. “It’s bad enough that I have to work with them at all. All that fooling around that they do was funny at first, but it gets old real quick. Especially if it gets in the way of work.”

“Well if their ‘fooling around’, as you call it, gets in the way of working, then why did you leave them alone?” Rarity asked.

“The actual work was practically already done.” Rainbow answered as they crested the hill. “Besides, if I have to hear another one of Thunderlane’s innuendo-filled pickup lines, I think I’m going to actually throw up.”

Rarity giggled. “Oh really? I heard rumors that he could actually be quite charming.”

“Yeah right.” Rainbow muttered. “Supposedly the only reason those mares are all interested is because he’s good in the sack.”

“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity scolded, an embarrassed blush on her white cheeks.

“Just saying what the other weather mares said.” Rainbow replied. “But again, the stupid one-liners sort of ruin it. Oh dear Luna, you should hear him. Things like ‘Want to make some Rainbooms?’, or ‘Let me handle your cumulus’, or even-“

“CELESTIA BUCK ME WITH HER HORN!” screamed a familiar voice from not far away.

“Well, that one is a little blunt, but it doesn’t…” Rainbow paused. “Wait, what?”

Both she and Rarity both turned just in time to see an extremely disturbed Applejack running down the road. The farm mare stopped in front of the two, panting heavily. Her mane was completely frizzled, and she looked terrified.

“Applejack?” Rarity asked as she and Rainbow rushed to their friend’s side. “Oh my Luna, what happened to you, darling?”

“Jeez, AJ.” Rainbow commented. “You look like you lost an argument with a timberwolf!”

“Gurls!” Applejack breathed out. “Am Ah glad to see you two! We need to go see Twilight, now!” As she talked, she took quick frantic glances behind her friends and the sky above.

“Woah, woah, calm down there.” Rainbow landed and placed a hoof on the farm mare’s back. “Just tell us what happened.”

Applejack took a moment to compose herself before speaking. “Well, Ah was in the orchard workin’, an’ then-“

“YOU’VE HAD THE WORST, NOW TRY THE THRIST!...”

“Oh no…” Applejack cried. She got down on her haunches and covered her head with her hooves. Meanwhile, Rarity and Rainbow both went wide-eyed and turned their heads toward the sky.

“W-What the buck was-“

“QUENCHER!!!”

The unicorn and pegasus didn’t even have time to react before they were each pelted in the face by a can.

“Ack!” Rarity grunted and stumbled backward, clutching her face. “How rude!”

Rainbow let out a growl before turning her head back up. “Alright, who the hay threw that?!” She called out to nopony in particular.

“WHAT’S THAT? YOU WANT STRAWBERRY?”

“Huh?” She cocked her head to the side. “I never even said any-“

“WELL HOW ABOUT….RAWBERRY?!”

Another of the can-spawning portals appeared, but this time, the projectile that came winging out of it trailed a stream of electric-blue sparks, moving with a speed even the fastest flyer in Equestria could not match. It struck the prismatic mare in the chest, and she was flung backwards, landing hard a good distance away. The blue can, still crackling with electrical energy, fell to the ground between the mare and her friends.

Applejack immediately stopped her cowering and ran over to her fallen friend. Rainbow seemed mostly fine, save for the large black mark in the center of her chest. Her mane and tail were also sticking out crazily, tiny sparks traveling between the multicolored hairs.

“Rainbow!” Applejack called as she stood over her friend. “Speak to me!”

“W-Why….yes Soarin…” Rainbow mumbled deliriously. “I….w-would love to…..have your….foals….”

While Applejack tried to rouse Rainbow up, Rarity turned back towards the sky with a frown.

“Listen here, you uncouth ruffian!” She called out to their invisible attacker. “I will not stand idly by while you attack my friends for no reason! It is barbaric and downright disgraceful! Now, what do you have to say for yourself?!”

Behind her, Applejack managed to help the cyan pegasus to her hooves, even though she was still somewhat dazed. The two turned towards Rarity, who stood defiantly as if to protect her friends.

“IT LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME….FIZZBITCH!”

Another projectile materialized out of a portal, and flew to strike the unicorn right in the head. The can fell to the ground along with Rarity. The can was shaped in the form of none other than Princess Celestia, with both of her hooves pointed upwards at the top of her head, on which rested a plastic lid. She also had a very un-princess-like goofy expression on her face.

Rarity picked herself up off the ground, slightly disoriented. After she composed herself, she responded with as much refined demeanor as a prim and proper mare could.

“Why you STUPID MOTHER BUCKER!” The unicorn screamed up into the sky.

Another can was loosed, and Rarity just barely dodged it. Others flew as well, targeting Rainbow and Applejack. Soon, the farm mare found herself in a familiar position, except this time accompanied by her friends. The three ran screaming down the road towards Ponyville, all the while being assaulted by more cans, lightning bolt cans, and crudely made Princess Celestias.

“HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?” Rainbow screamed as they fled.

“WITH POWERTHIRST, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!”

***

“Spike! Where is that tome?!”

“Right on your nightstand where you left it!”

“Oh. Hehe...right.” The lavender alicorn laughed sheepishly and scratched the back of her head. She flew over and took telekinetic hold of the large bound book that sat by her bed. With the tome in tow, she returned downstairs and put it in its appropriate place on the bookshelf.

She stood back and looked over their work. Even though it had taken most of the morning, they had finally finished: every book in the library had been taken down, the shelves dusted, and then re-organized in their designated places. Twilight gave a happy sigh.

Well, maybe now I can take off for the rest of the-

Her train of thought was cut off when the front door was violently thrown open. It slammed against the wall, and a few of the books from a nearby shelf fell off. They loudly hit the floor, marked by the shuffling of pages within them.

Twilight felt her left eye twitch. She gave a grunt of annoyance before turning towards whomever had chosen to make such an abrupt entrance. She was surprised to see Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash in the doorway.

“Oh, hello girls.” Twilight smiled warmly, glad to see her friends despite their rude entry. “How can I…help?”

She stopped as she took in their appearances. Each was sweating and panting heavily, like they had just finished the Running of the Leaves. They were dirty, disheveled, and looked highly disturbed. Even Rarity’s normally immaculate white coat was messed and unkempt.

In short, they all looked like they had been to Tartarus and back.

“Girls…” Twilight breathed out. “What on earth happened?”

The young princess was then assaulted by a cacophony of blubbering and nonsense.

“Energy!”

“Snake Eyes!”

“Ursa Blasting!”

“400 Foals!”

“As fast as Zebras!”

“Death!”

“Doom!”

“Horror!”

Before the ranting could continue any further, the three panicked ponies found their mouths firmly shut by a telekinetic force. They all looked up to see Twilight with her horn aglow.

“Girls…” She began, her voice stern and she spoke slowly. “I want you all to take a breath, and then calmly tell me exactly what happened.”

The glow around her horn disappeared, and with it the invisible hold on the three mares’ mouths. They took a moment to collect themselves. Then, as one, they all took in a deep breath, and gave their explanation in unison.

“POWERTHIRST!”

The alicorn blinked. She stared blankly at her friends for a few seconds.

“I’m sorry, what?” Twilight asked dumbly.

The word was said again, but not by her friends.

“POWERTHIRST!!!!!!!!!!!”

This time, it felt like a 7.0. The entire library shook violently from a source louder than a dozen Royal Canterlot Voices in chorus. The sheer roar was punctuated by the ear-splitting sound of several thousand books exiting their shelves as the wooden structure rocked in its wake.. A tidal wave of literature spilled across the wooden planks and carpets. After a short time, the shaking stopped, leaving three terrified ponies and one flabbergasted alicorn in its wake.

“Twilight! What the hay is going-“ Spike trudged down the stairs but stopped when he saw the mess. He immediately turned around and walked back upstairs. “Never mind! Not dealing with this!”

Twilight looked around and surveyed the sad state of the library. It seemed the fates really had it out for her. All of this work, all undone by the machinations of some unseen entity that deemed her undeserving of her long-awaited day off. .

Her eyes narrowed, and she felt a growl escape her throat.

Twilight turned and marched towards the door. Whoever it was that caused this was going to either get an earful or something far worse. After all, Luna had recently taught her the secret art of moon banishment, and she was itching to test it on a live subject.

She was about to make it to the threshold when three mares jumped in her path.

“No!” Applejack yelled. “Ya don’t wanna go out there!”

“I thought I could handle it too, Twi!” Rainbow pleaded. “And even I admit, I was wrong!”

“It is a thing of pure evil!” Rarity shrieked and held a hoof to her head. “EEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL!”

They all then found themselves gently shoved aside by a telekinetic force and Twilight walked between them. She walked out the door and onto the road, where quite a few ponies of Ponyville were gathered with nervous looks on their faces. Upon seeing one of the princesses of Equestria enter the scene, their expressions relaxed a bit.

Despite the look of rage written on Twilight’s face.

Her three friends soon followed her out, taking frantic terrified glances around the sky. The three mares huddled close to each other as the young alicorn gazed around the surrounding crowd that began to build.

“Alright!” Twilight shouted out to the surrounding ponies. “Which of you ponies are responsible for ruining my day?”

The answer came not from the crowd, but from above.

“A NEW CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED!”

Twilight went wide-eyed and turned skyward. As she did so, her friends all began shaking like leaves. After a few moments the alicorn relaxed, and a sly smirk appeared on her face.

“A ventriloquist spell, mixed with a voice amplification spell.” Twilight said with an eye roll. “I admit, clever. But not clever enough to fool a prin-“

Her overly confident rambling was cut off when something struck her face.

“Yeow!” She yelped and clutched her face. After a moment she looked down to see the can that had struck her sitting on the ground. She angrily turned her head back toward the sky.

“YOU DARE QUESTION THE POWER OF POWERTHIRST?!”

“Unless you want a ticket to the moon…” Twilight hissed. “You had better stop right no-“

She stopped as a portal opened up and one of the lightning cans shot out. However, this time she was prepared, and threw up a shield. The can impacted the shield, causing the bubble of energy to ripple.

The attack did not stop there, however. Seemingly incensed by Twilight’s belligerence, a veritable hail of cans bombarded the shield. Twilight furrowed her brow and closed her eyes in focus, her three friends huddled behind her in the protective bubble.

“Hiya, girls! Whatcha doin’?”

Twilight and the gang opened their eyes to see Pinkie Pie standing outside the shield smiling at them, seemingly ignoring the rain of cans assaulting them.

“Oh, we thought we would all go pick some daisies by the latrine.” Rainbow said nonchalantly through the sound of cans impacting the shield.

Pinky cocked her head to the side. “Really?”

“NO NOT REALLY!” Rainbow screamed. “Now get behind something!”

“Now why would-“ Pinkie cut herself off as her tail gave a single twitch. She casually stepped to the side right before a can struck where she had been standing. “-I do that?”

“Pinkie!” Twilight screamed through the mounting strain on her horn. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we are kinda under attack here!”

“Really?” Pinkie said as her tail gave another twitch. She again stepped to the side to avoid a miniature Princess Celestia that hit the ground, the plastic horn sticking in the dirt. “Under attack by what?”

“Pinkie, don’t you see the-“ Twilight cut herself off as Pinkie just stared at her with her head cocked to the side. “You know what, Pinkie? Just keep doing whatever you’re doing. Don’t even worry about it.”

“But…” Pinkie began. Another tail twitch, another casual sidestep, this time avoiding a lightning can that blasted a crater in the dirt. “…I’m not even doing anything.”

“Exactly, and keep doing it.” Twilight muttered.

As the assault continued, the shield rippled, and Pinkie shimmied effortlessly around falling cans , the ponies along the sidelines watched with wide eyes. No-one really knew what to make of what they were witnessing. They finally stirred when a mare gently pushed her way through.

“Excuse me…pardon me…” A timid sounding voice said. A familiar buttery-yellow pegasus stepped through the line of ponies and stared wide eyed at the scene before her. “Oh my goodness!”

Upon hearing the all-too familiar voice of her longtime friend, Rainbow Dash turned toward the source to see her standing in front of the crowd. Rainbow reached a hoof toward her from behind the shield.

“TAKE COVER, CHIIIILD!” Rainbow called out.

Fluttershy just stood right where she was, cocking an eyebrow as she did so.

“What?” Fluttershy said in her barely audible voice.

“Get behind something, dear!” Rarity called out from behind the shield. “Before it gets you!”

Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but cut herself off as the tidal wave of cans suddenly stopped. The last few in the air bounced off the shield and landed on the ground, which was absolutely littered with the spent projectiles. The shield fizzled out, and the alicorn who had been fueling it slumped to the ground in exhaustion.

“Twilight!” The others all ran up and surrounded her, with Applejack leaning down to look into her eyes. “Are ya ok?”

“This…” Twilight slowly opened her eyes. “…was not on the princess job description.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash helped the princess to her feet. Twilight held a hoof to her head for a moment before turning back toward the sky. For a few long seconds there was silence all around, the crowd and the six friends staring up into the sky.

Twilight frowned as yet another portal began to open, but then her eyes widened. The portal kept expanding until it was the size of a swimming pool, a gigantic vortex of energy in the sky. Out of the portal fell a single can the size of a grain silo. Screams rang out as the gigantic can impacted the ground, though luckily nopony was caught beneath it when it landed.

After the aftershocks of the impact had subsided, the crowd once again stared at the monstrosity, which had the gigantic word “POWERTHIRST” written along the sides. Before anypony could so much as utter a single word, a loud groaning was heard as the can began to tilt forward.

Toward Twilight and her friends.

They all jumped back as the titanic can struck the ground, the rumbling it caused making several ponies scream again. Weirdly enough, though the can had seemed tall enough that it was going to land on them when it fell, the can instead fell down right in front of them, its top only a few feet away from the six mares.

Once again, everything was silent for a few long moments. And once again, it was broken.

“Now behold the glory…” came the same, somewhat distorted voice from within the giant can. As it spoke there was a crack, followed by the hissing of escaping air.

The six mares all went wide-eyed.

“…Of POWERTHIRST!!!”

Twilight and her friends did not even have time to react before the metal lip opened up, and a tidal wave of green liquid came rushing out.

The six mares all let out screams as the wave fell upon then, carrying them all away in the tide. The only one was wasn’t was Fluttershy, and she opened her eyes up to see that, weirdly enough, she was still right where she was. She stared wide-eyed as the flow of green liquid flowed right around her, leaving her completely untouched. It was almost like some unseen force was protecting her.

Her friends and some of the ponies of the surrounding crowd were not so lucky. The wave knocked a few off their hooves and completely soaked others.

Fluttershy stared wide eyed at the chaos that unfolded around her, but was drawn back to the still flowing open by a scream.

“COWABANGA!”

From out of the can’s opening came a surfboard that rode along the waves of green liquid. And standing on top of that surfboard with a massive grin on his face was…

“DISCORD!” Fluttershy screamed.

The flow finally ceased after the smiling draconequus left the opening, expertly riding the last of it until he came to a spot in the dirt in front of the coughing and hacking crowd. Five mares, soaking wet, picked themselves up from the ground before fixing him with death glares.

“You *cough* it was you the whole time?!” Applejack shouted.

Discord, with his smile still present, snapped his talon. A microphone appeared in his paw before he spoke into it.

“Don’t gamble on your energy!” Came the familiar voice as he spoke.

Twilight gritted her teeth and shook her head, causing her sopping wet mane to flop against her side. “I should’ve known…”

“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, Twily.” Discord said as the microphone disappeared. “We can’t all think like me.”

“Why you little…” Rainbow Dash seethed in rage before she quickly shook her wings and took off at Discord. Her progress was instantly stopped as a yellow pegasus flew in between them.

“Rainbow, please.” Fluttershy pleaded before turning to Discord with a scolding look. “Discord, this was very rude.”

“Rude? RUDE?!” Rarity shrieked with a look that was a mix of rage and horror. “Look at my mane!” Rarity held the once immaculate, expertly styled hair for all to see, now a clumped, sticky mess. “LOOK AT IT!”

“Ya no good varmint!” Applejack said with a frown. “Is this yer idea of a joke?!”

“Oh, just wait until Princess Celestia hears about this!” Twilight shouted. “I don’t care if pranking is in your nature! This has taken it too far!”

“Prank?” Discord’s smile disappeared before he chuckled lightly. “Oh no my dear little Twily. This is not a prank. This…” he waved a paw to motion to the area around him. “…is a sales pitch.”

“I…” Twilight blinked a few times. “…huh?”

“A sales pitch!” Discord exclaimed happily. “For my new product!”

Discord snapped his talons and yet another can appeared in it and he held it up for all to see.

“Powerthirst!”

Twilight and her friends all stared blankly, their eyes flicking from the can to the draconequus that held it and back again.. Rainbow Dash frowned before she gritted her teeth.

“Ok…first off, this is your idea of a sales pitch?!” She shouted.

“Throwin’ yer product at us?” Applejack added with an angry scowl.

Discord scoffed. “Oh please. I was not throwing them at you. I was throwing them to you!” Discord straightened himself up and placed his talon and paw on his hips. “You merely failed to catch them.”

“I…who…how…” Rainbow mumbled dumbly.

“And I have to say, I can understand most other ponies failing to catch them.” Discord said with a frown. “But I am rather disappointed in you, Rainbow and Applejack.” Discord gave the two of them a scolding look before shaking his head. “And here I thought you two were supposed to be athletic.”

Rainbow and Applejack both felt their eyes twitch before their faces turned bright red in rage. Fluttershy once again placed herself in between her friends and Discord, fearing that they might jump him if given an opening.

“And just what the hay is this all about?” Twilight asked. “What is ‘Powerthirst’?”

Discord smiled. “Why, my new product of course!”

Twilight frowned. “Why on earth would you be interested in marketing?”

“Well…” Discord thought for a moment, stroking his beard. “A while back, dearest Fluttershy here suggested that I get a hobby to keep myself busy and entertained. A brilliant idea, but I couldn’t help but wonder: What can a dashing rogue such as myself do to keep himself occupied without getting Sunbutt mad?”

“And so your answer…” Twilight deadpanned. “…was marketing?”

“Bingo!” Discord said with a smile. “And have any of you ever been to the stock exchange? It’s pure anarchy!” Discord’s smile expanded. “I knew I had to get in on that chaos!”

“Alright, but how did you possibly come up with this?” Twilight asked, motioning to the many cans that littered the wet dirt. “Better yet, when did you come up with it?”

Discord once again went back to stroking his beard. “Well…”

***

Twenty Minutes Earlier…

***

Discord back stroked through the air, lazily headed toward Fluttershy’s cottage to pay his dear friend a visit. On his way he passed over Sweet Apple Acres, and out of the corner of his eye he saw an orange dot in the orchards.

He floated up to one of the clouds and perched on it as he observed her. One of his ears then grew gigantic as he cupped a talon around it.

“If only Ah had sumthin’ to keep me goin’…” His enhanced ear heard Applejack mumble.

Discord smirked.

***

Present Time…

***

“Right about then.” Discord said nonchalantly, causing every single pony present to face hoof harder than they had ever before in their lives.

“Ah don’t…” Applejack mumbled as she shook her head. “Ah can’t even…”

“You…” Rainbow gritted her teeth again. “Why I outta-“

“I dunno…” Pinkie said, drawing everypony’s attention. She walked over and picked up a can with a smile. “I’m always up for trying out new eats!”

Everypony’s eyes widened as Pinkie opened up her can of pure, unbridled energy and lifted it to her lips. A flash and a pop of magic sounded before the can was snatched right out of her grasp. She opened her eyes up and was rather surprised to see Discord, wearing a terrified look and clutching the can like it was his first-born foal.

Twilight blinked. “I…really? I figured that you would want-“

“Twilight my dear, I am a being with untold eons of knowledge all centered on the art of chaos and how to cause it. Anarchy is my game and I get a fantastic thrill out of it.” Discord spoke in a serious tone as he looked between a disappointed Pinkie and the can he was holding.

His voice then dropped even lower than before with a distant look in his eyes. “But even I know that there are some things in this universe that should never, ever be unleashed.”

“Um…Discord…” Fluttershy said timidly, drawing his attention. “I am very proud that you found a hobby and all, but was all of this really necessary?”

“And why us? Why always us?!” Rainbow shouted. “Can’t you go bother somepony else for a change?”

“Ah, I am glad you asked, dear Rainbow.” Discord said as he straightened himself up. “Because you see, I hit a bit of a dilemma in launching my product out to the public.”

“Really, now?” Twilight said with a bemused look. “And what, pray tell, was the problem?”

“I was the one releasing it.” Discord said with a frown. “Apparently ponies were absolutely terrified about the prospect of a civilized, well-mannered businessdraconequus such as myself selling a product. They thought I was scary.”

Discord brought the can up to his face and downed the entire thing in one shot before looking back at them. “Me, scary? I can’t even imagine why they would think such a thing!”

Discord threw the can over his shoulder to land directly in front of the crowd of ponies. They all stared wide-eyed as the can sprouted a pair of incredibly buff arms and legs and hopped up on its little, natty feet.

“MACHO-MADNESS, SKY IS THE LIMIT!” The can screamed in a strange, incredibly gruff voice as it flexed a few times before running off and disappearing into an alley.

“But anyway…” Discord continued. “I needed a way to curb the obliviousness that is the consumer system, and in today’s world there was only one way to do it…”

Discord snapped his talons and in front of the six mares appeared a table. On top of the table were various promotional items, all with the words “POWERTHIRST” accompanied by the face of a smiling draconequus on them.

Discord smiled. “Merchandizing!”

A pop and a flash sounded as Discord appeared next to the table, a long classroom pointed in his paw.

“Just imagine it now…” Discord said as he began to point at the various items. “Powerthirst the T-shirt! Powerthirst the coloring book! Powerthirst the lunchbox! Powerthirst the breakfast cereal!”

Discord set his stick down and picked up a metal object off the table. “Powerthirst the flamethrower!”

Everypony present jumped as the metal contraption let off a gigantic stream of green fire up into the air, illuminating the area in a slight glow. While every adult pony had fearful looks on their faces, the few younger ones stared with stars in their eyes and smiles on their faces.

“Cool!” An orange pegasus filly called out happily.

Discord smiled as the fire cut out and he set the prime choice of serial arsonists back down on the table. “The colts and fillies love this one.”

“And finally…” Discord said as he reached toward the back of the table and pulled out a perfect, plush likeness of him. “Powerthirst the doll. Me.”

Discord pulled a string on the back. Unlike most dolls, this one actually moved its mouth perfectly to say its words.

“What’s wrong with a little chaos?” It asked in a high-pitch, somewhat creepy voice that sent a shiver up the spines of everypony present.

“Fantastic.” Rainbow said flatly with an eye roll. “But you still didn’t answer my question: Why us?”

“Because, my little prismatic friend…” Discord began as he held the doll under one of his arms. “Like I said, ponies everywhere are a little…uneasy about a product that I am the face of. Apparently they still feel a little raw about the whole thing with the attempted ‘eternal age of chaos’.” Discord waved a paw in the air. “Yesterday’s news if you ask me, but jeeze, ponies do love to gossip.”

Rainbow frowned. “Again, you still didn’t answer my-“

“But!...” Discord lifted a talon. “I knew that in order for my product to flourish, which I am sure it will, I needed a new face for it. A face that everypony in Equestria knows. A face that they love, adore, and practically gush over.”

Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “Who?”

“Or perhaps I should say faces.” Discord said, his smile once again returning. “Six faces, to be exact.”

“Wait…” Twilight’s eyes widened. “You don’t mean…”

Discord’s smile grew tenfold as he brought the doll back up and snapped his talons. In an instant the doll was no longer a draconequus, but rather a smiling, plush lavender alicorn.

Twilight’s left eye twitched.

At the same time all of the merchandise on the table behind him also changed. Each and every depiction of his face was replaced by one of the six ponies standing a few feet away. A lunchbox with a prismatic pegasus sporting her inspiring, confident grin. A T-shirt with an alabaster unicorn in an elegant pose with her famous sultry eyes. A coloring book featuring a pink mare with a smile that could make any colt or filly brighten up. A downright adorable plushie of a buttery yellow pegasus that one could not help but want to cuddle with. A perfect replica of a certain Stetson, with the face of an orange mare with her trademark smirk on the tag.

“And finally…” Discord said as he once again snapped his talon.

Appearing in the air in front of him were six silver cans, floating in front of the six mares. After a moment they all changed different colors: purple, pink, blue, white, orange, and yellow. And a moment after that the same smiling faces of six ponies who were famous across Equestria appeared on them.

The six ponies in question merely stared wide-eyed at the cans and merchandise that depicted their likeness on them. The cans floated down in front of their matching ponies, who all hesitantly took them in their hooves. They then all looked at the draconequus, who still had a gigantic grin on his face.

“So what do you say, girls?” Discord said as he placed his talon and paw on his hips. “How would you all like to be the faces of Powerthirst?”

His answer came in the form of a purple can hitting him in the face.

***

Discord floated through the air, a rather displeased look on his face. He just could not seem to understand these ponies, no matter how hard he tried. There were some things that just continued to elude him.

In his eyes his pitch was perfect. Who could possibly refuse such an offer? Why would they refuse such an offer?

He stopped and landed on a cloud that instantly turned pink when his feet made contact with it. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he sat down, his lips turned downward in a glum frown.

This may have been a setback, but he wasn’t about to give up on it. Powerthirst could be huge, he just knew it! But he still needed a face, somepony that was well known and liked throughout the country.

But who else could he turn to?

He began to stroke his beard thoughtfully, musing over his dilemma. As he did so his head turned to the far off mountain, or specifically the bright capital city that was perched along top of it.

And even more specifically, the huge castle that dominated it.

Discord smiled.

***

Celestia levitated the teacup and took another long swig of it, feeling the lukewarm beverage as it flowed down her throat. Although she did not admit it to many, she was not particularly fond of tea that much. After drinking it for thousands of years the taste eventually became bitter, even to the point of being tasteless.

She ignored it, now more than ever. She was not really focused on the drink itself at the moment, but rather who she was sharing it with.

“Still not a fan of tea, Tia?”

Celestia rolled her eyes a bit before setting her cup down and looking at the grinning face of her younger sister. “Whatever makes you say that, Lulu?”

“Sister, please. I know you better than anypony.” Luna gave her a knowing look. “Especially when you are doing something that you don’t like.”

Celestia smiled and let out a sigh. “Well, I don’t know how the maids will react to the esteemed princesses requesting a few bottles of hard liquor.”

“I don’t know…” Luna said as she tapped a hoof against her muzzle. “It does sound tempting…”

Celestia rolled her eyes yet again. “But sometimes I have to admit it would be nice to have something else to drink for a change.”

“Really?” Luna asked with a curious smile. “Such as?”

“I…really don’t know.” Celestia said thoughtfully. “Something new would be nice. Something exotic. Something invigorating. Something-“

“What if everything you ever wanted…”

Celestia and Luna both blinked and looked around the room. The two sisters then turned to each other with cocked eyebrows.

“Did…you just hear-“

“CAME”

“IN”

“A”

“ROCKET CAN?!”

The two princesses’ eyes went wide as the room began to shake violently. They turned their heads in time to see the entire opposite wall explode inward to make way for the massive object skidding into the room. The object continued to move forward, destroying all of the expensive furniture it its path.

As soon as it got far enough into the room, the two princesses could make out that it looked like a massive can of some kind. There were green flames shooting out the back, and the word “GODDESSBERRY” was stamped on the side in gigantic letters.

And finally, straddling the top of the rocket-shaped, giant can was a draconequus, facing the wrong way and waving a cowboy hat back and forth as the can continued to jet across the room.

“YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!” Discord shouted with a smile as the can impacted the far wall. As soon as it did the flames stopped, as did the can as well.

Celestia stared wide-eyed and slack jawed at the destruction of what had been her private chambers. The tattered and shattered remains of the fine tapestries were strewn across the room, with a huge indent in the stone floor marking the trail left by the can. Luna’s expression was much in the same, staring in shock at the rubble and mess.

Discord snapped his talons, and in an instant he disappeared from on top of the can and reappeared in front of the princesses. When he did he was sitting in an ornate-looking chair, wearing a fancy suit and sporting a strange thin moustache on his face. He leaned forward and looked down at the two flabbergasted princesses with a serious gaze.

“I’m gonna make ya an offa ya can’t refuse.” Discord said in a strange accent.

A few seconds after that every single window in the castle was blow out by the force of two Royal Canterlot Voices shouting in unison.

“DISCOOOOORD!!!”

Author's Note

An idea that I got months ago, started, shelved for months, and somehow managed to finish recently.

A big thanks to AShadowOfCyngus and Obsidian Rose for their help in making this abomination readable.

Yes I know there are ponified versions of the videos. I got a few chuckles out of them, but in the end the age old saying still dominates: Nothing beats the original.

Or in this case, originals.

Heart goes out to picnicface and CollegeHumor.