RainBOw Dash: Everypony Thinks I'm Gay

RainBOw Dash: Everypony Thinks I’m Gay

Well… I watched a PMV featuring the original song by Bo Burnham: My Whole Family Thinks I’m gay.

A great song, check it out if you haven’t already. Anyway, for every Brony that sees Rainbow Dash as a lesbian or bisexual…(that includes me), well this song fits that notion perfectly. That’s what motivated me to write this little songfic.

RainBOw Dash= BO Burnham…please tell me you get the pun. -_-

And in case you don’t, that is how her name is gonna be spelled throughout this entire fic, so enjoy!

Oh God, I hope you all don’t hate me for this!

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“Now, for our next contestant, please stomp your hooves for miss RainBOw Dash!” the mayor of Ponyville announced ecstatically as a resounding thunder came from the audience, stomping their hooves in applause.

RainBOw flew onto the stage with a small blush. Everypony in town was in session for the talent show tonight. Many impressive talents were addressed tonight.

First, Fluttershy tamed a record 406 rowdy bunnies, squirrels, and birds in under 30 seconds without using her Stare. Next, Twilight performed all of the spells she had in between numbers 14 and 32 without letting any go astray and keeping them in rhythm.

Applejack manages to buck 42 apples out of an apple tree and lasso all of them with only a single rope toss and then catching them with her back hooves and bucking them back into the side of the tree. Rarity managed to make a hovering and intricate 3D portrait of herself using only levitating gems.

Pinkie Pie demonstrated her innate ability to be in 16 places at once. It was safe to say that the competition was fierce. Everypony expected RainBOw to clear out clouds in ten seconds flat or perform an aerobatic routine that ended in a Sonic Rainboom, but the wannabe-Wonderbolt had a surprise in store for the audience.

There was a piano in the middle of the stage. Dash trotted over to it and took a seat.

“Well this is certainly a surprise,” Twilight stated, raising her eyebrow.

“Oh no! Don’t tell me that crazy pony is gunna sing?!” Applejack chortled out in between fits of laughter.

“Whoo! That silly pony ain’t got a lick of musical talent. I confirmed that when she broke my acoustic guitar!” the orange farm pony continued to snicker, grabbing her Stetson hat off of her head and using it to cover her mouth.

“Ohhh! I really hope that whatever RainBOw Dash sings is fabuloustastic! Then she and I can make a song together!” Pinkie Pie blurted out, jumping up and down with glee.

“I can’t watch!” Rarity added, dramatically throwing her hooves over her eyes.

“Oh…my,” Fluttershy whispered in disapproval as she viewed RainBOw Dash lining her hooves up with the keyboard.

Before she started to play, RainBOw stopped and looked over to the audience.

“Hey everypony, before I begin, let me say that this is something that I’ve come to realize and that you all should come to realize too. Take it as it is. Digest it, and…use it as you will. ‘Kay,” she said, now beginning to play the piano.

The entire audience gasped when the notes that Dash was playing weren’t a train wreck or sound like a dying animal as they expected. However, it was…beautiful.

All of her friends were taken aback, baffled at the dexterity of RainBOw’s hooves on the keyboard and the harmonious and dazzling sound that emanated from the instrument. Pinkie Pie beamed with elation at her surprisingly musically-talented friend on stage.

“Yep! She’s definitely doing a song with me!” Pinkie decided, nodding in approval while still beaming, her eyes closed with contempt now.

Then RainBOw Dash started to sing.

Every time I go to dinner

It seems like I’m getting a little bit thinner

I'll sit down at the breakfast table

I can talk, but they’re not able

When I look at them I find

There’s a single question on their mind.

Baby I wish it could go back to the way it was

It’s not easy now because…

Everypony gasped once again. Dash sounded…good. It is obvious that they didn’t expect her to perform this well.

Everypony thinks I’m gay

I guess it’s always been that way.

Maybe its cause of the way I trot,

That makes them think that I like…mares

That I like mares…

The entire audience’s eyeball lit up like a Hearth’s Warming tree as they went wide and their mouths went agape in pure shock. They had NOT been expecting this. They all just got blindsided.

The goddamn question just won’t go away

Cause I get asked every single day

But the way they ask it is no disguise,

Like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss Pinkie Pie?"

Twilight’s eyes went wide as she looked at the pink party pony next to her. Pinkie just blushed deeply and giggled with a hoof over her mouth.

“Oops,” was the pink pony’s only response as Twilight’s face showed a look of confusion and shock.

Baby this is the worst, baby this was my fear

Now their opinions are crystal clear.

Everypony now is shocked,

I'm in the closet and the door is locked.

Now my glory days are gone,

I was John Elway now I’m Elton John.

Everypony now suspects,

That watching SpongeBob had side-effects.

But I’m not gay and that’s what I said,

If I’m gay then Celestia strike me dead.

(COUGH) (COUGH) (COUGH) (COUGH)

The cyan pony continue to cough and wheeze as she flopped her upper body onto the keyboard, imitating death and causing random notes to play. She immediately rose as she turned to the audience.

…That’s weird.

After she said that, she continued to play the piano again as if nothing happened. From what she could see in the audience, parents and older siblings alike were covering the ears of all the little fillies and colts in attendance.

Just cause I go to an all-mares flight school,

Doesn’t mean Spitfire makes me drool.

When I go outside, what do I see?

The clouds in the sky spell "F-A-G"

“What in the name of-” Applejack started but couldn’t finished as she was completely stunned and shaking her head in disbelief.

I think that Celestia might think I’m gay,

What does she know anyway?

My grandma gave me a present just last year,

And the card said, "Happy Birthday queer!"

…Happy Birthday queer.

“Oh…my,” Was Fluttershy’s only response as she looked about nervously.

Everypony thinks I’m "fab"

There's a mare’s flank, hey RainBOw, take a stab!

Why doesn't she get stallions, there’s no other way,

It’s cause I'm awesome, not cause I’m gay.

…Not cause I’m gay.

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow,

Or my favorite color is…the rainbow.

RainBOw Dash took this opportunity to stop and smile nervously at her audience, trying to see if anypony caught her pun.

I don’t mean to yell but I fear I must,

Cause I'm losing the ponies that I thought I could trust.

Even my mare friend thinks I’m gay…just kidding

Dash turned to her audience and chuckled for a split second, before continuing.

You all probably think I'm gay,

Damn this song is counterproductive…

La la la la la…La la la…

I’m not gay I swear.

RainBOw Dash faced her audience with a worried glance and continued on. Pertified, mystified, stupefied or any other type of ‘fied’ you can think of, were the emotions of the audience at this point. Most were completely silent, except for Pinkie Pie who kept giggling and shouting:

“This song is great! I love it! And funny too!”

Pinkie then fell to the ground on her back and continued to snort in laughter and giggle with glee. RainBOw took a mental note of the reactions as she prepared her finale.

…Not gay I swear.

Baby everypony thinks I'm gay,

What am I suppose to say?

Baby you gotta look right through the haze,

‘Baking’ with Pinkie was just a phase.

Everypony thinks I’m queer,

That is all I ever hear,

But I’ve been as straight as a ramp,

If you don’t count flight camp

Don’t count flight camp…

…I’m not gay I swear.

After RainBOw Dash finished her song with the piano, complete silence filled the outdoor event. RainBOw then frowned in dismay as her ears drooped. She blew it. She could have sworn she would’ve knocked everypony dead with that song.

She lifted herself off the seat when she heard thunderous applause mix with whistles and cheers, and now flowers were being thrown on stage.

“Woah!” Dash reacted to the 180 audience turn around. They loved it. Even though it was crude, completely inappropriate, and placed on a touchy subject…they still loved it.

Whether it was the magnificent wordplay, the comedy, or just others in the crowd that felt like the song touched and addressed them because they were relevant to the subject, the outcome was that they loved it.

After getting offstage, RainBOw Dash headed towards her friends to hear the announcement for the winner of the talent show. Her friends regarded her with awkward but meaningful words of appreciation and positive feedback. Pinkie Pie tackled Dash and kissed her on the cheek, before giggling and launching off of her and into the crowd.

“We should really start ‘baking’ again! And making songs! Whhooohooo!” the hyperactive party pony yelled back to Dash, before disappearing into the massive crowd of ponies in attendance.

“Now I proud to announce the winner of this year’s Ponyville talent show…all of our contestants were very skilled and we were lucky to see such prose from our gifted contestants,” the mayor congratulated. She then started to build tension in her voice.

“But there can only be 1 winner. And that winner is….”

She wheezed causing everypony to huff in anticipation.

“Miss RainBOw Dash!”

Cheers broke out throughout the entire crowd immediately.

“Omigosh omigosh omigosh!” RainBOw chanted and then squeed in excitement, her hooves under her mouth.

“For her suprising musical ability, superb wordplay, hilarious comedy, and just an all-around excellent song…that is what won over the judges! Thank you all for competing and reenter next year for another shot at being our winner! Good night!” the mayor signed off as she left the stage, and the cheers escalated.

The mood was positive, and even though it was night, everypony lit lamps and started partying in the streets. Even the contestants who lost weren’t ill about it. They didn’t care. It was a fun night and that’s all that mattered.

“So RainBOw, you gonna stay and party with us?” Twilight asked her when she noticed Dash was heading towards Sugarcube Corner. The cyan pegasus turned to her and smiled nervously, a deep blush showing on her face.

“No, I think me and Pinkie are going ‘bake’ for a while…” she replied abruptly, rushing into Sugarcube Corner’s front door to avoid questioning from the purple unicorn.

“What? Why would they need to bake at this hour?” Twilight asked herself out loud until realization hit her and her eyes went wide.

“Ohh…eww,” she said, turning away back to the party.

Spike and Rarity were both behind her, listening to the conversation the whole time. Spike turned to Rarity with a flirty smile.

“Hey Rarity, you wanna ‘bake’ with me?” the dragon asked her, his smile growing wider.

“In your dreams kid…” Rarity grumbled in irritation as she trotted away with her head down. She needed a vacation.

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Afterthought

Thoughts? Praise? Comments? Critiques? Death threats? Anypony?

Still need a pic for MLED: TIM and anything you send me for this little project as well will be greatly appreciated!

Later!