The Duchess of Drop

by Robolestia

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, DJ P0N-3, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3759

Vinyl Scratch -- DJ, layabout, party pony, and apparently, blood relative to royalty. Who knew?

Vinyl Scratch is no social butterfly -- she parties hard, she parties fast and knows how to play the social game with Canterlot's night life.

But when her mother claims that she's actually related to the new princess, Twilight Sparkle, her life is turned upside down, and with the title of Duchess thrust upon her, riches and power are hers for the taking; all she has to do is play an entirely different social game with an entirely different set of Canterlot ponies.

How hard can it be to be posh?

Published 2015-03-01 22:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-01 22:10:02 UTC

Prologue

The coronation party was in full swing. Fireworks detonated overhead, and the setting sun provided just the right temperature and lighting for ponies to be out and about, celebrating the new princess’ rise to power.

Away from the celebrating crowds, sitting at a private table on the relatively quiet terrace of Canterlot Castle, a mare and a stallion watched the processions from afar, their daughter taking pride of place, waving to her new subjects.

"I can’t believe it," Twilight Velvet said happily, wiping her eye with a small tissue. "Our little girl... a princess!"

"Heh, yeah," Night Light chuckled. "Who’da thunk it, huh? And here I thought we couldn’t get any prouder of our kids when they became the Element of Magic and Captain of the Guard!"

"Hey!" a hoarse voice called out. "Hey, Night Light!"

Night Light and Twilight Velvet looked around to see nobody trying to get their attention, and Night Light frowned in confusion, a small bell ringing in his mind. He knew this voice from somewhere...

"Hey, down here, you silly stallion!"

Night Light felt a cold sweat break out underneath his tuxedo. Yes, he knew this voice alright, but he hadn’t heard it for... how old was Shiny? And the last time she’d been shouting his name...

Velvet and Light looked out over the balcony, and finally saw who wanted their attention. On the balcony of a hotel across the way, they saw a cyan unicorn mare with a short, sandy mane-cut waving at them, a lit cigarette hovering in the air near her face as she did so. Once upon a time, she might have been a real head-turner, but it was clear that life hadn’t quite been so generous to her, as evidenced by the slight bags around her eyes, and the curly, blonde wig resting on a patio chair near her.

"Do you... know this mare?" Twilight Velvet asked, grimacing in disgust. "She looks like... is she a hooker?"

Night Light began to sweat, and smiled nervously. "Ah ha... hello Candy Shores!" he returned the greeting, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible while still getting it to carry across the street to the hooker leaning on the balcony. "Long time no see! Taking a... taking a holiday, then?"

"Yeah, Night Light," the hooker yelled back. "A working holiday! By the way, our daughter is fine! Thanks for asking! Right famous and everything!"

Twilight Velvet’s eyes widened, and she rounded on Night Light, who was already preemptively finding a happy place.

"What’s this about a daughter?" she hissed.

On the balcony, Candy Shores took a drag of her cigarette and jabbed it at Twilight Velvet. "Who’s the broad?" she asked bluntly.

"B-broad?" Twilight spluttered, a fire igniting in her eyes.

"Uh, ha ha," Night Light laughed loudly, trying to defuse the situation, before he secured a sleeping place on the couch for the rest of eternity. "Candy, this is, um, this is my wife, Twilight Velvet!" He turned back to his wife and leant in close, picking his next words as carefully as he could. "Um, dear, it was just one night in Haygas... things got... um. You remember the day we first met? We bumped into each other at the train station?"

Twilight Velvet sniffed. "Yeah?"

"That was, uh," Night Light coughed. "That was right after I got back from Haygas..."

Velvet just nodded numbly, and Night Light began to sweat more. Velvet was beyond upset, she was sulking. He was going to get it at some point in the future, that was for sure. And the fact that by now, pretty much everypony on the terrace was looking at them...

"Excuse me, Night Light?"

The suddenly-tired stallion turned around to see two stern-looking unicorns of Red and Blue. Wearing no-nonsense expressions, all-business suits and ties and cut-the-crap sunglasses, Night Light saw only his own increasingly frazzled face in the reflection.

"Y-yes sirs?" he stammered. The Equestrian Secret Service. Visions of being imprisoned in a cell that was almost instantly banished to lands far beyond Equestria for reasons that were vague and liberally coated with legalese flooded his mind.

"Is this Candy Shores speaking the truth?" Red asked.

"Have you sired a daughter to this mare?" Blue finished.

"I-I’ve done right by her," Night Light stammered, squaring his shoulders. "Paid Foal Support and everything. Even paid her way through college."

"It’s a yes or no question," Red said bluntly, ignoring Night Light’s protestations.

"I... might have..." Night sighed, and bowed his head. "Yeah. I did the do."

Blue touched a namesake hoof to his ear, tilting his head as he did so.

"Sun confirmed for flat," he muttered. "I repeat. Confirmed for flat."

"Confirmed, confirmed," Red added, touching a hoof to his own ear. "Code AEIOU."

As if listening to an invisible voice, the both nodded simultaneously, and without a further word, vanished in twin purple flashes of light, leaving a terrace of silence behind them, everypony staring at Night Light and Twilight Velvet in shock.

Night Light coughed, and looked to his wife, who was glaring at him.

"Did you hear that?" Night asked, trying to pull a smile onto his face. "Twilight’s big sister is famous!"

Chapter 1

The room was mostly dark, the barest traces of sunlight penetrating the vineightian blinds to illuminate the dark, messy room.

A room littered with detritus from a life lived large, and filled with the unladylike, ratcheting snores of the mare that lay sprawled across an old, beat-up couch, one hoof hanging off the edge and lending support to a half-full bottle of cider that balanced precariously on its edge, against the side of the white hoof, the slightest movement enough to disturb the precariously-balanced vessel.

Right on cue, there was a sharp rapping on the door. A series of raps that were quickly replaced with thumps.

Around the sixth volley of thumping, there was a snort as someone was roused from slumber, and a white torso twitched violently as the mare was dragged into the world of the living. On the ground, the bottle of cider finally rolled to a side, and began to fall.

Like blue lightning, a glow of magic grabbed the bottle, and the mare groaned as she sat up, pulling the bottle into her mouth as she tried to open her eyes and see the world.

"Ugh," she groaned as the much-reduced sunlight still proved to be too much for her, and closed her eyes as she felt around for her glasses, still holding the bottle in her mouth as she did so. She felt something vaguely ocular, and shoved them onto her snout, filtering her world down to barely visible darkness.

The thumping continued, and the mare groaned around the bottle, using her magic to displace it from her mouth for a moment.

"BE RIGHT THERE!" She shouted, a heavy layer of irritation on her voice as the thumping joined forces with her own hangover to deliver driving beats that were anything but pleasurable. She put the bottle back in her mouth, and stood up, tilting her head back as she shotgunned the drink.

She finished it with a small pop, and almost carelessly tossed it onto her coffee table where more of its ilk lay. She staggered towards her apartment’s front door, and snorting back a nostril clogged with snot, used the peep-hole to see who was coming for her at the ungodly hour of... ten thirty in the morning.

What she saw was an incredibly fish-eye-lens’d view of the hallway outside her apartment, which was mostly filled by two almost-identical stallions of red and blue, wearing suits.

Oh, buck me, the landlord actually called in collection agents. Vinyl began to panic, and quickly ran a hoof through her hair, trying to smooth it out at the same time as she kicked and shoved as much rubbish as she could out of view from the doorway.

She took a deep breath, fixed a (hopefully winning) smile on her face, and like white lightning, undid the deadbolt, popped the chain off and pulled her front door open to confront two ponies she didn’t really want to see right now.

Red’s heavy hoof hovered in the air for a moment as the door was suddenly replaced with the white mare’s face and his own reflection in the purple lens of the sunglasses that the mare was wearing. He lowered his hoof carefully, and nodded to her.

"Miss Vinyl Scratch?" He asked.

"That’s totally me," Vinyl nodded. "And I totally have the rent, it’s just... uh, locked up in bank transfers right now, gonna take a couple of days, yeah?"

Blue raised an eyebrow. "That’s nice. We don’t care." With a haze of purple magic, Blue pulled out a small credentials wallet, which flopped open to reveal a golden shield with a picture of the sun engraved across the centre, and three little words around it: Equestrian Secret Service.

"You’re coming with us," Red stated, holding up his own copy of the badge.

"Oh, buck," Vinyl swore. "I swear to Celestia, it wasn’t me! Whatever it was, I totally didn’t do it, ask anypony! It’s not mine! I was holding it for a friend! I’ve been set up!"

It was Red’s turn to raise an eyebrow. "We don’t know what you did last night, and we don’t care. You have an audience with the Princesses in five minutes."

Vinyl felt the stone in her gut sink another six inches. "Oh, no. Did you say princesses?"

"Yes, we did," Blue confirmed. "You’re the first official item of business for Princess Twilight Sparkle. Congratulations. Are you ready to go?"

"Uh," Vinyl tried to stifle a yawn as she lifted her shades and rubbed her face a little. "Can’t I postpone to, like, three? Three sounds good."

"I take that as a yes," Red said, reaching out with magic. Of its own accord, Vinyl’s door swung itself shut, pushing the hung-over DJ out before it, to stumble to a halt in the doorway, between the two ESS agents.

Vinyl turned around and stared at her door in surprise as the sounds of locking deadbolts and resetting chains came from it, and switched her stare to Blue dumbfoundedly.

"Off we go," Blue said flatly, before his horn lit up, and a purple light engulfed them both.

With a snap and a fizzle, the world shifted, and Vinyl staggered forward, head spinning as her stomach decided right now was time to have a fire sale, and everything had to go. With a retch, she bent her head forward and vomited.

There was a wet spattering sound, and she gasped for breath, head pounding. There was a reason not every unicorn bothered to learn teleportation.

"Please do not vomit in the castle," Red said with a trace of irritation as he used his magic to seal the ESS-branded paper sick bag that rested on the carpet in front of Vinyl, and float the bag over to a nearby bin.

"I really don’t feel up to an audience with the princesses," Vinyl groaned. "How can you expect to present me to them like this?"

"Allow me," a clipped voice suggested from uncomfortable proximity. Vinyl looked up, and choked back a scream of terror as a well-groomed brown unicorn with a sea-green mane and a sharply-cut, long-tailed black jacket was standing right next to her.

"I- what?" Vinyl wasn’t exactly feeling on top of her game, but she was fairly certain that she’d have spotted this ponce approaching her. "The buck did you come from?"

"Very good, Ma’am," the stallion said haughtily, disregarding her question with an accent that sounded like he’d been to the ponciest of poncy schools, as he produced a small tray on which rested a series of small rolled-up washcloths and a bowl of water rested, accompanied by a small toothbrush and paste and a small shaving kit.

"Cuetrotter," Blue said. "Please make Miss Scratch presentable for the Princesses."

"As you say, sirs," the valet said, using his magic to unroll one of the washcloths. With a flash of light, he produced a smaller tray, upon which rested a tall glass of orange juice, a small tulip cup of some black coffee, and a pair of chalky, white pills.

"Miss scratch, please open your mouth," "Cuetrotter" asked.

Vinyl opened her mouth to ask a question, and almost choked when a fluid shot of orange juice hit her mouth, thrown by a careful burst of telekinetic magic. She felt the tablets inside it, even as she swallowed reflexively, and blinked in surprise, opening her mouth to take a breath. She got one, as well as a shot of the dark coffee, which was hot enough to be refreshing and tolerable, but cold enough that it didn’t burn.

"Please hold still, miss," Cuetrotter asked as Vinyl finished swallowing the coffee shot and cleared her throat.

"Hey, wha-" was all Vinyl managed to say before her world was filled with washcloth, as Cuetrotter mercilessly assaulted her face with the warm, damp cloth. Attempts at opening her mouth to talk were simply used as an opportunity to get the toothbrush in there, scrubbing away as Vinyl struggled to make herself articulate.

Her shades were lifted off, and she thought she heard someone huffing on them before the washcloth was run completely over her face, blinding her, and she felt a comb being run through her mane. In no time at all, the cloth left her face, and before she had time to blink, her shades were returned, and the comb left her mane as the toothbrush left her mouth.

"Spit, please," Cuetrotter’s clipped voice requested. Vinyl obliged, and felt the cloth do one last pass of her mouth as she opened her eyes.

The world seemed a little brighter, and she felt a little brighter, with her headache rapidly fading and becoming a bad memory. Her shades were smudge-free for the first time in Celestia-knew how long, and her breath was almost deliciously minty; if she hadn’t just done it, she’d never have known that she’d shotgunned a cider and thrown up in the last six minutes. Her mane felt free and untangled, and in short, she felt great.

Cuetrotter, for his part, simply stood to the side, his tray, face and mane still immaculate as ever, like he hadn’t done a thing. The tray that had borne the orange juice and other restoratives had vanished back to where it had come from.

"I did my best," he declared. "If one had more time, perhaps there could be more done about Miss Scratch’s mane. I suppose it cannot be helped, ‘t will suffice."

"Off you go, Vinyl Scratch," Red said, nudging the DJ forward. "The princesses await."

Vinyl looked up, and realized that the whole time, she’d been standing before two tall doors that were flanked by the sun and moon. Very ornate doors. The throne room. Vinyl swallowed, and stepped forward as twin auras of purple magic pushed the doors open for her.

On the other side, she saw what had to be the most terrifying accretion of political power she’d ever seen before. The Princesses of the Sun and Moon, Princesses Celestia and Luna; the Goddess of Love and ruler of the Crystal Empire, Princess Cadance (and her husband, Prince Shining Armor, who was also the Captain of the Royal Guard, right?); the reigning (and supposedly reformed, according to the newspapers) God of Chaos, Discord; and the newly-appointed Princess, Twilight Sparkle, the reputed master of more magics than Vinyl had music sets. And perhaps the most terrifying of all, her mother, who was happily slurping tea out of a cup that looked fancy enough to cost more than a decent set of speakers, while shooting the breeze with the most powerful ponies in the country.

And all of them were seated around a nice, round wooden table covered in what looked like the fixings of a widely-varied buffet breakfast, along with two ponies that Vinyl didn’t recognize and a conveniently empty seat closest to her.

How about that?

"Please, have a seat, Vinyl," Celestia said, as the doors swung closed behind Vinyl with a quiet thump. "Your mother was just regaling us with some of her work stories. They’re quite... ahh..."

"Refreshing," Luna supplied quickly. "I believe the word my sister is looking for is ‘refreshing’."

"And that," Candy Shores finished, with a hoarse, grating laugh, "is why I don’t do Gryphons anymore."

Next to the Celestial diarchs, Cadance seemed to be attempting to ape Twilight Sparkle’s color scheme, as she’d gone purple.

"Yes," the goddess of love said. "That’s... very refreshing. Ahem."

"I didn’t even know that Gryphons could do that," Shining Armor muttered numbly.

"Oh, I should tell you about the Angry Dragon," Candy said, pausing to chug another mug of milky tea. "Oh, this is good stuff."

"It’s imported from Zebrica," Twilight said, before flushing a little. "I don’t suppose... the Angry Dragon is a story that involves an upset dragon whose temper was sated with a perfectly reasonable explanation with no explicit sexual acts involved, right?"

"Hon," Candy said, smiling languidly. "The only thing draconic about this stallion was the size of his ba-"

"HEY," Vinyl said loudly, taking a seat quickly and drumming her hooves on the table, as she tried to drown out her mother’s anecdote. "How about someone gets me a cup of tea and we get down to the business that had two secret agents drag me out of bed ten minutes ago?"

"-couldn’t smell anything but for weeks!" Candy finished, her story running just a little longer than Vinyl’s override.

The table was covered in silence. Discord broke it first, raising a paw.

"Why did we call this audience, again?" he asked.

There was a loud clearing of throat, and Vinyl’s attention was drawn to the grumpy-looking mare next to Twilight, and the sheepish stallion cowering next to her.

"Right," Discord snapped a paw. "Daddy Twilight did the dirty and-"

"Discord!" Celestia shot the god of chaos a dirty look, and he blew a raspberry in defense.

"Fine, we’ll do it your way," Discord sighed as Celestia cleared her throat, and restored her usual serene expression to her face.

"Vinyl Scratch," she said. "Do you know why you’re here?"

"Nah," Vinyl said, before jerking a head at the timid stallion. "But I’m betting it’s because he stuck his dick somewhere he shouldn’t have, based on what he" -Vinyl nodded at Discord, who bowed slightly- "said."

"Accurate, if blunt," Luna muttered.

"How much has Candy told you about your father?" Celestia asked.

"Not much," Vinyl shrugged. "She always said he didn’t want anything to do with a family, and Foal Support money kept coming in as usual, so I guess there wasn’t anything to be said, was there?"

"It’s about time you knew the truth," Candy said, taking a drag on her cigarette and blowing a smoke ring. "About your father. Night Light."

Vinyl grimaced as she put two and two together. "Oh, no. He stuck- he did the-"

"Well," Twilight Sparkle said brightly. "That makes explanations a little simpler. She’s got your brains, dad."

"Dad?" Vinyl asked, looking between Night Light and the new princess. "Oh, hay."

"And I dare say she’s just figured out why this is such a big deal," Luna hazarded, taking a bite of a crumpet.

"Yes," Celestia nodded. "We are discussing what this means for you, being that you are, apparently, a blood sibling of Twilight’s."

"You got me out of bed early for this?" Vinyl muttered, taking a breakfast muffin and peeling the paper cup off.

"Do you not think this is a big deal?" Cadance asked. "You are now part of the royal family!"

"That’s great!" Vinyl nodded. "I’ll, like, send you guys a card at Hearth’s Warming, and stuff."

"Don’t throw this opportunity away!" Candy urged Vinyl. "This is your chance! You could start something great!"

"Don’t get me wrong," Vinyl waved a hoof as she took a bite of her muffin, "I’m sure you guys would be great to have as an extended family and all, but I don’t think nobility is really my cup of tea. I’m not so good with the whole princessy-leadership thing."

"Slow down, sister," Discord said, holding up mismatched limbs. "First off, you’re only half-related. I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna be a princess, don’t go overestimating yourself, now."

"In saying that," Celestia continued, "You are still related, and while we have taken all possible steps to keep this revelation under wraps, given the location of the original revelation, the tabloids will find out eventually, if they haven’t already. Regardless of whether you want it or not, you will be considered part of the royal family, and so we have managed to work out what you are entitled to in your position." Celestia cleared her throat. "As a half-blood relative of Princess Twilight Sparkle ineligible for the throne, you are decreed to be a Duchess of Equestria, with a title, lands and property as yet to be decided."

"Uh, sweet?" Vinyl hazarded.

"You will not be expected to actually lead," Luna pointed out, tapping a hoof on the table. "Simply keep up appearances as a blood relative of Twilight Sparkle. Attend parties. Look elegant. Set a good example to impressionable fillies."

Don’t embarrass your new sister, went the unspoken subtitle, and Vinyl nodded.

"Fine, you’ve twisted my leg," Vinyl sighed. "Do I have to wear a crown or anything?"

"I don’t see why you couldn’t," Discord remarked. "But no, there are no golden crowns, moon tiaras, circlets or other obligatory headgear for a duchess."

"Rad," Vinyl said glumly.

"Where is your current, ah, residence?" Luna asked.

"Hey, I’ve got my own apartment over on Pump Street," Vinyl said hotly. "It’s not like I’m some hobo or I live out of hotels or nothing, sheesh."

Celestia nodded. "Well, regardless, you are welcome to make use of the castle," she said. "In addition, we’ve taken the liberty of assigning Cuetrotter to you as a valet and guide to ettiquite. Please feel free to avail yourself of him."

Vinyl blinked. "Wait, when you say "make use of the castle", do you mean...?"

"Yes," Celestia nodded. "There are vacant rooms in the castle you can claim for your own use, and the treasury is at your disposal for reasonable expenses, such as furniture, if we do not already have said articles in storage."

"...And when can I move in?"