A Derpy Tale

A DERPY TALE

Book 1: The Heroes of Derplandia

Carla Sobrado

It was a quiet morning in Derplandia. The birds were derping and the cows were derping too. The sky was too yellow that it blinded you and would make you cross-eyed. The sun had finally gone, and the morning had come, with the moon. The cheesy moon shone for the day and it had a piece bitten out of it as if someone had eaten it. Actually, somebody had. Dipius Derpnelius Derp of Derplandia, a former king of Derplandia, had taken a bite out of it.

Derplandia was special because it was a magical realm. It had crixies, and drolls and dobolins. They were kind of like pixies, trolls and goblins except they were different. Crixies were so cross-eyed that their magic was evil, dark and black. Drolls were just way dumber than trolls, and they always hit each other in the face or head with sticks. Dobolins were much sneakier than goblins and they had icy magic which could freeze anything. They were also one of the derpiest creatures in the land.

Other things lived in Derplandia too, mostly pegasi. There were many flocks of pegasi around everywhere and it took a great deal of derpiness to swat them away. Derpy pegasi were dangerous too. They tend to lick and spit on your face and they slap you with their feathered wings. They all look the same, except for a little few, but they are all just as derpy. Derpy pegasi are all a coat of light gray, and their mane and tail are bright yellow. Their eyes shine at night, a yellowish color, and they have bubbles on their rear ends. They are also, in fact, cross-eyed.

Humans live in Derplandia too. There are few of them, but they still reside there. Since Derplandia is magical, people there usually obtain powers of some sort, but they can only be activated in a time of utter distress, or derpiness. The humans in Derplandia are often referred to as Dinkys though. Dinkys don’t usually stay long in Derplandia, they move on to another realm, but there are a few that do stay. Dinkys in Derplandia mostly mean trouble, so they stay locked up. There is a village just for Dinkys, but it’s very poor and old. Dinkys don’t have good lives in Derplandia.

The main creature in Derplandia (like in the human world, its humans) is the Thing. Things are things. They are very weird things. They can only say,

“Thing!”

and growl. Things are vicious and ferocious. They like running away from wherever they are and they can’t stay still. Their hair is often crazy, and when they eat, it looks like snakes. The only way to keep a Thing in its place is to put it in a hula-hoop, which are super rare in Derplandia.

Well, this is a tale of something epic that happened in Derplandia. It took five heroes to save Derplandia, but they managed it. Anyway, this is the story of how Derplandia came to be.

Derplandia used to be run by Question Marks, which were always hitting people and dragging them to awkward places. The Question Mark king, King Quote, was not helping at all with this mater, and Derplandia was going down. The Question Marks were hitting everything very hard, like abuse and some people died. The Question Marks started dragging them towards the dungeon in the Question Mark palace, where no one could escape except if aloud to. The pegasi were never coming out, which meant something underpy had to be going on.
Things were still in Derplandia back then, but they didn’t know they were going to be the rulers. Things were kept in cages because they were mysterious and no one understood them. They were sometimes used as jesters for King Quote and if he wasn’t pleased, the poor Thing would be sentenced to death. All the Things were getting wilder and wilder because of all their family and friends dying. Some Things were so wild that King Quote let them leave, but the truth is, Things can’t live all alone. They need to be together and take care of each other.

Anyway, the land was in a terrible shape. Many forests were burned down and water was scarce. The waterfalls and oceans were lava and the ground was all rocks. Food was scarce as well. Barely any Dingmellows (they were kind of like marshmallows except way fluffier) grew off trees and if they did, they grew rotten. All the creatures in the land were dying and getting sick. You see, Question Marks were also poisonous if you took a layer of them. Question Marks have many layers of something like skin, but the first one is very poisonous. Some people, in their attempts to get away from one, have scratched it or ripped off even the slightest bit of their layer, and poison gas comes out. Whoever made the rip can never escape it and there is no known cure.

Now watch out. What happens when a Dinky falls out of the sun?