The Mane 6 vs. the Islamic State

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2712

Two members of ISIS find themselves staring down the most colorful and decadent western ponies around.

It's a nice day in Equestria and our heroes are out in the countryside. But, when a group of particularly important ponies face off with two particularly incompetent members of ISIS, who will win?
Yeah, not the terrorists.
Now, complete with side Sparity. Hooray!

Published 2014-09-09 02:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-09 02:40:04 UTC

Operation: Friendship Freedom

Author's Note

Okay. This needs a serious disclaimer Preface.

First of First of all, the moderators suggested I put this under mature. Personally, I thought it was more a teen or even an everyone, but they certainly know better than I what should go where. Just be aware there is absolutely no sex or gore in this story.

The idea for this came from a news article I read about how many moderate Islamic groups are combating ISIS with comedy; churning out videos and political cartoons. Really, I feel that when faced with such a terrifying prospect, in this case a genocidal terrorist group that's a far bigger threat to the U.S. and Europe than Al-Qaeda ever was, sometimes laughter at their expense reminds us that they can be beaten, and aren't unstoppable.

First and foremost, I do not mean to diminish the execution-style murders of two journalists from my home country. It is an awful tragedy. I urge everyone to keep these men, and their families, in their prayers. They need them most. After that, I urge prayer for our heads of state, for the safety of other journalists in the Middle East, and for those lost in Iraq, particularly religious minorities murdered by ISIS.

This fiction is a comedy, absolutely, but one that is meant to display not only the barbarity, but also the stupidity and hypocrisy of ISIS. I mean, when Al-Qaeda and Boko Haram both say that they don't support an Islamic group's actions, you can be pretty sure the group is nuts.

Last, because I know this will come up, I have nothing but respect for Islam. This is not a fiction meant to attack Islam in anyway. It is, however, meant to attack those that would pervert the teachings of Islam (I speak from a limited but confident understanding) and use it as an excuse to murder innocents. In fact, most of ISIS's victims are Shia Muslims and Kurds.

As for non-militant Muslims, You guys drove scientific development for 1000 years. Two thumbs up.

That is all. Don't take this too seriously. Laugh. Enjoy Ponies.

Operation: Friendship Freedom

It was a cool, peaceful day in Equestria. The birds were chirping, Celestia had just raised the sun, and ponies all over Equestria were starting their daily routines. On the ridge of a hill between Canterlot and Ponyville, a group of six ponies and one dragon trudged along.

“Twilight, this is soooooooo dumb!”, cried Rainbow Dash, hovering above the group. “Why do we have to take the stupid cable cars up the mountain to Canterlot? I can just fly there, and you guys could take the train!”

“For the last time, Rainbow,” replied a seriously irked Twilight Sparkle, “I had to get some plant samples on the way to see Princess Celestia in Canterlot. Besides, you know that Fluttershy and I aren't good enough fliers to go that high!”

“Well, I still think this whole thing is so lame! I mean-”

“I hate to interrupt, darling, but does anypony know what that thing headed toward us is?” Rarity urgently interjected.

The all turned and stared at the white metal beast now bearing down on them.

“Hashim, you are so poor at navigating!” cried Mohammed as he drove the technical down a dirt road in a lush landscape he had not seen before. “How are we supposed to destroy the entirety of decadent western culture when you get us so lost that we are not even in the desert anymore!? We should have brought Hamza. He has apple maps on his iPhone.”

“Silence! I have jihaded for months in the name of ISIS! You are a recruit, and I am the only reason you are not selling Israeli flag urinal cakes back in Beirut! We must readjust our bearings. Those of the true faith are excellent astronomers. We shall wait until night, then use the moon and stars to guide us to Mosul.”

The two jihadis, equipped with their AK-47s, shaggy beards and radicalized political ideal of a Mideastern caliphate, exited their technical, equipped with a turret in the bed of the pick-up. They observed their surroundings carefully, noting the technicolor hue of the trees and sky, and the tall mountain nearby which appeared to have a fortress-like city protruding from it. The sheer beauty of the waterfall cascading downward from the city enraptured the two fighters.

That is, until Hashim felt a weight from his neck and looked down to see a bright pink pony nuzzling his beard. “OH MY GOSH! HI! I'M PINKIE PIE! I looooooooovveeeee your beard, you weirdo pig-monkey-thingy!”

Hashim immediately fell to the ground, lamenting that “stop, drop and roll” was not taught in his old Madrasa. He begain to flail wildly, yelling gibberish and banging on the grassy hillside with his limbs as the pony continued to snuggle his neck. “YAGAHBLSSHLHKGLH!”

“Do not worry Hashim! I got you!” cried Mohammed. He picked up the barrel of his gun and began wildly firing at the duo on the ground.

Instead of the searing pain that should accompany bullet wounds, Hashim only felt small thumps, like those of someone flicking their finger against a surface. He looked curiously over at Mohammed, only to find that the red-hot bullets that should be spraying from his weapon were merely purple balls of energy which moved quite slowly.

“Owowowowow!” Pinkie Pie cried as she jumped off Hashim. “Ok, stop! That kinda hurt a little bit!” It was at this point that Pinkie's assaulter noticed her friends, standing nearby with their mouths agape.

“Who are you ponies?” cried Mohammed as Hashim still writhed on the ground, rubbing his hands over his upper body as if removing a poisonous residue. “Answer or be destroyed!”

A purple pony with both wings and a horn stepped forward. “I am princess Twilight Sparkle, of Equestria. I rule from Ponyville. I have not seen your kind in my land before, but we ponies are peace-loving, and your weapons of war have deplorable results.”

“Yeah!” agreed Rainbow Dash, who landed and belligerently deployed her front hooves in a boxing stance.
“Now, you two have one minute to explain your story to me before I have to politely ask you to leave!” declared the princess with authority.

By this time, Hashim had recovered from his ordeal. “A caliphate ruled by magic ponies? This is unusual, perhaps even interesting. But, a caliphate ruled by a FEMALE magic pony!? And there is only one male accompanying all of you: A serpent!This is undoubtedly Haram! I, on behalf of the militant Clerics of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, hereby issue a Fatwa against the very existence of this land!”

Applejack stepped forward, slightly irked by Hashim's indignation. “First of all, sugar cube, it's ruled by four female ponies. And second, it's considered polite to tell us your name before you get settin' to ramble on about yer politics.”

Her accent set them ablaze.“AN AMERICAN!”, both fighters cried, raising their guns and firing. Mohammed and Hashim dreamed of the rewards and honors that they would receive, and the look on Hamza's face when they told him they killed an American pony. A female one that had the audacity to show her mane in public, at that!

The projectiles had almost no effect, dissipating into purple sparks on Applejack's coat. They both wasted their entire clips over a period of twenty seconds firing at the tough little pony, who failed to even flinch at the onslaught. “Are ya'll done? That was fixin' to get tiresome.”

Hashim's mouth hung open in shock. Although he was a newbie at this whole 'jihad' thing, Mohammed noted that weapons weren't going to cut it against these creatures. Noting that the ponies couldn't be any taller than three and a half feet at the shoulder, he strode past Applejack and picked up a petite white pony by her purple mane. “You! American pony!” he directed his voice at Applejack, “Tell your President to call off the airstrikes or we will destroy this pony!”

“MY MANE!!!” Rarity shrieked, completely missing the significance of the situation.

Spike lunged into action, running toward Mohammed. “GET YOUR DIRTY CLAWS OFF OF HER!” He jumped, knocking Rarity out of Mohammed's hand and pushing him to the ground. He began clawing out chunks of Mohammed's beard as the Islamic Fundamentalist began flailing in a manner quite similar to that of his compatriot before. The ponies uninvolved with the fight stared with wide eyes, except for, of course, a yellow pony who cowered and whimpered at the back of the group.

“Enough!” cried Twilight Sparkle. Spike was gently removed from Mohammed as the two militants were levitated in front of Twilight, their guns flying away into the bushes. “Names. Now.”

“Sorcery!” declared Hashim. “Haram!” added Mohammed.

“Sorcery, Haram, its nice to meet you. What are you doing here attacking my friends and calling Applejack an “A-Mare-napkin”?”

“I farm apples, not clean your toughest spills,”added Applejack quietly, sitting on the ground with a dejected expression and droopy ears.

“No! This is not my name! I am Hashim, and this is Mohammed. We fight for the Islamic State! We will destroy the decadent West, recreate the glorious Islamic caliphate, and destroy heretics such as Boko Haram!”

“Boko what-now?” asked Pinkie Pie. “Is that some kind of cupcake?”

“It means 'Books are Evil'. They are a rival group,” said Mohammed.
Twilight Sparkle let them down. “Well, why didn't you say so! I love books, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend!”

“Are you kidding Twilight?” protested Rainbow Dash. “These guys attacked Pinks and tried to turn Applejack into applesauce!”

“I don't trust these barbarians either! If it wasn't for Spikey-Wikey's heroic timing,” Rarity added, looking down longingly at the slightly confused dragon, “my manedo would have been completely ruined!” She turned to Mohammed. “Do you even KNOW how much a spa day costs now? Inflation is high!”

“Everypony, please, quiet down!” The entire group quieted to listen to Twilight Sparkle. “They say they are noble foreign warriors fighting against a group that hates books! They must've just been confused and lost. Pinkie Pie attacking Hashim with a hug probably didn't help, either.” Several ponies glared at Pinkie Pie.

“Well, excuse me for not asking permission to cuddle with a complete stranger armed with a deadly weapon and a scraggly beard,” Pinkie Pie replied in a completely serious manner.

Twilight Sparkle turned to Hashim after blinking twice at Pinkie Pie's counter-intuitive logic.
“Let me take you to the lead Princess here in Equestria, Princess Celestia. She's a lot wiser than I am. Maybe she could even send the military to help you against these book haters!”

Hashim and Mohammed huddled to conference. “We must accept,” declared Hashim.

“Are you mad?” replied Mohammed.

“Yeah, are you loco in the coco?” asked Pinkie Pie, who had somehow joined the huddle. Mohammed quickly shoved her out.

Hashim began his defence. “Mohammed, we can kill these ponies now, or wait an hour and destroy their leader! We will bring back thousands of pony slaves! Al-Baghdadi will make us generals!”

“Ok, ok, we will go.”

The militants accepted Twilight's offer with forced smiles. The makeshift anti-anti-book alliance began heading toward the cablecars on the side of the mountain. Rarity, however, refused to join.

“I don't like this, Twilight. I'm headed back to the Boutique. They really scared me, and I have to fix my mane. I'd feel better if Spike came along and spent the night with me...”

“Yeah, sure, whatever,” replied Twilight, completely engrossed in a map with directions to the gondola station.

Rarity and Spike walked away from the group, their eyes too concentrated on the task at hand to notice. Rarity leaned down and whispered in Spike's ear, “thank you for saving me, Spikey-Wikey. I forgot you could be so heroic.” She kissed his snout before standing up straight again. “By the way, it's very polite to hold a lady when one is in a private setting after a traumatic experience. Also, to take her out to dinner. And get her flowers...”

Rarity continued her list, and the two walked back toward Ponyville, their sides touching and heads resting against each other.

Hashim and Mohammed stood in a massive throne room, looking out over the fortress-like city they had seen earlier. In front of them stood a larger white pony with a flowing pastel mane.

The last 40 minutes had been spent in a cramped cable car. Always the prudent public servant, Twilight had refused to reserve more than one car, forcing the entire group to share a single car meant for no more than four ponies. Pinkie Pie had laid on Mohammed's lap. At one point, he smiled, but a glare from Hashim had replaced his look with a forced scowl.

Now, after excessive stair climbing, waiting, and introducing themselves, the leader of Equestria began to speak. “I am Princess Celestia. I raise the sun in Equestria, and my sister Luna raises the moon. I heard that you are both magical warriors from a far away land who love to protect books and those who read them.”

Hashim facepalmed. Their backstory had become more and more corrupted by the minute since they had agreed to join Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Mohammed was too busy moving his phone in elliptical arcs around the throne room.

“Yes, yes. Do you have 3G? I wish to access Twitter to track the progress of our movement in eliminating the cancer of the West.”

Princess Celestia's face scrunched up in an adorable, yet threatening manner. “That almost sounds like you two are terrorists...”

Hashim now knew his cover was blown. “Mohammed! It was not yet time! Ah, whatever. We have come to destroy your civilization and add it's landmass to the caliphate of the Islamic State! Not only are you colorful females, but you also manipulate the moon and stars! These are sacred and form the calendar! Your haram ways will end!”

Princess Celestia looked confused. Hashim thought that he had spoken clearly enough, so stood proudly with his eyes closed and waited for her terrified appeal for mercy. An awkward silence enveloped the room.

After the better part of a minute, Celestia spoke again. “Uh, so...do you guys have any weapons to destroy me with, or...”

Hashim facepalmed again. They had left their weapons on the hillside. Mohammed continued to attempt to access social networking sites. It seemed not even Instagram was working.

“Wow,” heckled Rainbow Dash from the back of the room. “That was really stupid of you guys. I mean, you don't have to be an egghead to know that you should bring weapons to a government takeover. Oh, Twilight, by the way, told you so.”

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. “I'm so done with today.”

In an attempt to take advantage of the awkwardness that had settled over the room, Princess Celestia teleported a piece of cake in front of her and began to eat it in a manner unbecoming of a Princess.

Hashim was appalled. “Gluttony! You fat, decadent cow! This is Haram!”

Mohammed chose this time to look up from his Nokia. A blast of pastel yellow magic had consumed Hashim and sent him flying out the window overlooking the valley below Canterlot.

“Now,” Celestia said, “about you, Mohammed. You have two choices. One is to go back to Ponyville with Twilight Sparkle and her friends and learn the magic of friendship.”

“I will do no such thing!”

“Or I'm going to have to kill you,” replied Celestia darkly, her eyes motioning to the broken window overlooking a ten-thousand foot drop.

“Ok, so, can I stay with the Pink one?”

“Yay!” Cried Pinkie Pie. “I hope you like snuggles!”

“I...think I may...” choked out Mohammed incredulously. “There's something about you I like, you decadent western pony.”

“AND, I hope you like, songs, cupcakes, laughter, swimming, alligators, crying foals, parties, holidays, cannons, mares with psychotic tendencies, cookies, streamers, punch, never sleeping, sugar...”

The small grin that Mohammed held faded immediately.

This was going to be a whole lot worse than anything the CIA could do to him.

...Or maybe better than anything he could imagine?

...Probably worse than the CIA.