Ponies buying contraceptives
Ponies buying contraceptives.
by The Frank
In stereo where available
The pros and cons of modern life, a.k.a development comes even to Ponyville. And since a couple of months back, the chain of Never-Eleven has placed a store on one of the corners of Palace & Plain. The street of Palace & Plain is a tribute to the princess. At first, the city council wanted the street to be named Palace street, but Princess Twilight demanded, “Oh, please, don’t call me that! I’m just like the common, plain pony.”. Hence, Palace & Plain.
And there you find Never-Eleven. With the slogan, “Shop now! You never know when we’re open next time.”. The idea of the founders was to sell stuff that most ponies come to buy the last five - ten minutes before closing, so acting as if the store is about to close all day would increase selling. That does sound ridiculous, and of cource it was a big hit! So nowadays you find Never-Eleven on every corner from Appleloosa to Hooveston. Their assortment is based on stuff that you realise you need around 20:30-21:55 (no matter what time of day it actually is), like crisps, soda, magazines, and light bulbs.
Honestly, when was the last time you needed light bulbs and actually HAD them at home?
Didn’t think so.
In Ponyville, the store is managed by Quick N. Cheap. He’s a bit of a gruff with no imagination or service mindset at all. Like it should be. Which is a bit sad, because today, a certain pink-maned pegasus is about to enter the shop with a very special task. It’s important as well, and she’ll need a lot of understanding and comforting to buy the items she needs. To bad for her, then.
*Ding-ding*
Silence. Nopony says anything.
“Ehm…I’m sorry sir…”
“Yeah, whaddayawant?”
“Oh…ehm…I’m…I’m looking for… protection…”
Silence. The manager looks at the mare with a frown.
“First of all: it’s you that should say ‘Do YOU want protection’, and then you should try to get money from me, otherwise you burn my store. Which you won’t, and you can’t. So I guess it’s not what you mean, or you’re just using the wrong words. And if YOU need protection, or your place will be burnt, you’ve gone to the wrong place. You should see Snake Slinky about that. He’s at the Horn & Wings at this hour. Now get out!”
The yellow mare starts to shiver a bit.
“Nonono…sir. It’s…it’s not that kind of protection. It’s…it’s…I’ve got a colt friend, you see, and…”
“Then a mud bath would be a great idea. That will keep you protected from him. Now, if you’re not about to buy anything, get out. We’re closing in five!”
“Oh…sorry…I’ll be quick then… No, I don’t need protection from him, I need…protection…for US… you know…”
“No, I don’t KNOW! Speak up if you want something! Or pick it from the shelves, that’s easier for me.”
Silence. Fluttershy looks around the store, but can’t seem to find what she’s looking for.
“Ehm...sir...I’m not really sure what it looks like… I’ve never...bought...it before.”
“Oh for the love of the sisters… Alright, I’ll give you ONE chance. What do you want?”
“Oh…eh…I want…eh…eh… what did Pinkie call them… Party poppers? That pop in the night? Or…’balloons with a featherlight touch’? You know? Fun-balloons?”
“Party poppers? ‘Fun-balloons’? Does this shop look like the “House of Fun” to you? We don’t sell that stuff! “
“Nonono…sir… you’re misunderstanding…I want…” at this moment, the mare’s voice got down to a whisper. “Rubber.”
“What’s that? Rubber? Rubber for what?”
“Rubber for…protection...for the little...p...pony”
Fluttershy is at the moment looking red as a firetruck.
“Oh… OH, why didn’t you say so at once! Yeah, we got that!”
“Oh thank you! Thank you!”
“In fact, this is just in. A piece of rubber protection for your iPony! You just wrap it around it like this, and there you go! Keeps the little pony safe from harm!”
“Oh…ehm…it…it looks rather nice…but… it’s not really what I want either.”
“AH COME ON LADY! You got to make up your mind soon! We’re closing in five!”
“Eh…Sir…but...it's only five-thirty in the afternoon and...”
"WE ARE CLOSING I FIVE, I TOLD YOU!"
"Oh...uhm...
*ding-dong* The door opens, and another pony enters.
“Howdy Pardner! Time to fill up the old weekend pantry! And…Oh Hi, Flutters! Didn’t see ya! Ah guess yer before me in the line, aye? Well, no rush! Ah’ve got time”
“Oh…Eh...I’m sorry…I…I FORGOT…I FORGOT WHAT I WANTED! Eh…I need time to think…Applejack, you can…”
“Oh, that’s mighty kind of yer, Flutters! Well, howdy again, pardner!”
“Yeah yeah… talk is cheap, items are expensive. Are you going to buy anything?”
“Eyup! Ah need some condoms!”
The yellow mares eyes looks like they’re going to pop out of her head, and if her wings could shrink, they would at this very moment.
“Okay. Well, this is what I got.”
The manager shoves his hoof over to one of the lower shelves on his left.
“Alright… Hmm, what do ya got? Them packages all look the same to me.”
“Well, these are black, this are green, these taste like strawberries, these are thin and these are Phrench ticklers. Oh yeah, and the black ones come in XL as well.”
The manager brings down the grey packages on the desk. One of each kind.
There’s a ‘gasp’ coming from behind them. The manager raises his left eyebrow in a disapproving way; Applejack doesn’t react at all. She’s looking at the little packages with a critical eye.
“Hmm…What’s the difference?”
“Well… The green ones are a bit funny… bit of a comic relief if you want that… and the thin ones… well, they’re good for the feeling. Some ponies say they don’t want to eat a banana with the peel on, and this is as close as you get. And the black ones, yeah, I sell those the most, really. And those Phrench ticklers, well, that’s a bit advanced. More for those who has...been “in the business” for a while. The strawberry ones is mostly if you’re into sucking, otherwise they’re pretty much a waste of bits… And the XL… I guess you get that one.”
“Hmm…Well, Soarin’s got a pretty thick and big one… Not that long though… Well, Ah guess ah settle for 20 of those, XL!”
Fluttershy needs to support herself on the newsstand to avoid fainting.
“20 of those…That will be… eleven bits then.”
“Awright! Oh, and can ya give me one a’ them lotto-coupons as well? Thank ya kindly! Well, have a nice day, Flutters! Ah guess ah see ya’all on Monday! Got a date tonight and times a’wastin’! Oh, and by the way! Big Mac looked pretty uptight when Ah saw ya together at Sugarcube Corner! Ya might wanna buy a few of these babies for tonight. Ya know, these babies if ya don’t want to get any babies! Get it? Ha ha ha… well, bye, Flutters!”
Both ponies’ eyes follows Applejack out of the store. Then, the manager turns his eyes to Fluttershy.
“Well, lady? Got your mind made up?”
“Yeah…ehm…I want…what she wanted.”
Silence again. It feels like several minutes, but it’s only 45 seconds.
“You want…a lotto coupon?”
The mare sighs.
“Yes…thank you.”
Ponies buying contraceptives
A couple of blocks down from Never-Eleven, right next to Roseluck’s flower shop, you find the Ponyville pharmacy. It’s an old-fashioned pharmacy, where you buy everything over the counter.
Today, a white mare with a pink mane is standing behind the desk. And a red stallion with a yellow mane enters the shop.
“Howdy, Mr Dealer, Ah need some…Oh… Hello Nurse Redheart! Eh…Mr Dealer ain’t here today, is he?”
“No, he has a day off, but I am more than willing to help you. What do you want?”
“Eh…well…Ah’m…Ah’m looking for… Ah’m looking for… what the hay does it look like...what’s that little green package?”
“That’s an ointment for warts.”
“Oh…well…eh...Ah’ll have one of those. And... that box over there?”
“That’s aloe vera-ointment.”
“Oh… Ah’ll have one of those as well….”
…
“Are you looking for anything in particular, Mr Apple?”
“Ehm…yeah… Ah need some...eh… what’s that?”
“Aspirin”
“Oh. Ah could use some of that… and then...what is that there, under “intimate care”?”
“That’s is an ointment for fungus in the lower abdomen.”
“...close but no cigar...Ah’ll take one.”
“You know it’s for mares, don’t you?”
“It’s...for Apple Bloom.”
“...Apple Bloom?”
“Yeah...kids today...they pick up all kinds of stuff ya know?”
“...I guess… anything else?
“Eh…Well…it’s a bit embarrassing but… Ah want that thing over there…the one that’s hanging a bit…discreet?”
“Oh…Yes, of course! Let me get that for you. I totally understand, a laxative is not something you want to talk about with every pony.”
“LAXATIVE? Oh… yeah… yeah…it’s for…Granny.”
“Of course, I understand.”
“OH, and THAT one! ‘Perfect for a Saturday night’! That’s what Ah need! ...And exactly the right size...”
“Alright sir. That is Peppermint gum. The best cure for bad breath.”
“...damnit.”
…
“ehm… Mr Dealer isn’t around here somewhere?”
“ No, as I said. You know, Mr. Apple, I can’t help the feeling that you want something else.”
“Ah, to heck with it! Ahm just gonna spit it right out! We’re grown ponies, we can talk about this stuff! Ah want some… some… some… C…Co…Con…Cough reliever. Yeah, that’s it.”
“…Cough reliever?”
“…Yes…”
“Okay, this one is very effective. I use it myself. Anything else?”
“Ehm… Mr Dealer wasn’t here today, was he?”
“No, he has his day off, as I told you.”
“Yes…ya don’t know where he is, do ya?”
“I think he’s fishing.”
“Oh…”
“Well, sir, you want something else?”
“Oh, yeah! For mah sistah! She need some…of that gum as well… Ah’ll take another box.”
“Ok, sir.”
“Oh, and one of those little green boxes there, they look like…”
“That’s plasters for blisters, sir.”
“Oh…Plasters.”
…
“Well, sir, if you don’t need anything else, I’ll have to ask you to pay for your items. We’re about to close. It’s Saturday, you know.”
“Yes…It’s Saturday…Ah know very well.”
“That will be 54 bits. Thank you sir, and have a nice weekend!”
“THAT’S WHAT YER SAY!”
