A shameless self-insert

by Braininthejar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Random
Length: 3644

It seems everyone has been in Equestria already. My turn.

Every brony has imagined himself landing in Equestria at some point. Some have even written stories about it. This is one such story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-08 12:59:41 UTC

A bit of wish fulfillment

In the middle of the road of my life I awoke in the dark wood where the true way was wholly lost. It was green too.

I stood there leaning against a tree, pondering the situation.

Ok, let’s calm down and start from the beginning. Where the hell am I and how did I get here? The last thing I remember is… going to sleep after a rough day at the office… Could this be a dream?

Letting go of the tree I looked around. Everything seemed quite clear, no logic-numbing haze that I had come to associate with my dreams. Or perhaps I couldn’t see it when dreaming? All the stuff I had dreamed of before always seemed perfectly logical until I woke up. Experimentally I jumped into the air and kept my knees bent. I landed on my feet.

Not a dream then, I guess…

A common feature of all my dreams had been my ability to hop without falling down; not quite flight, but I was always able to move around without touching the ground, hopping up and falling without ever really landing.

So, there goes this theory… but what else then? Have I been carried here in my sleep as a prank? No… I don’t have any friends that crazy. and even if, they’d have to drug me to pull this off without waking me up. With what? I don’t even drink…

I was about to put my reasoning to a test and call out loud, hoping to make whoever was responsible for my situation reveal themselves, when my eye caught something blue among the tall grass, something that made me do a double take. A patch of large, blue flowers that couldn’t possibly be mistaken for anything else.

Slowly, as if mesmerized, I walked toward the plants to take a closer look. I spent the next couple of minutes performing a monologue I couldn’t possibly share in writing, putting all the linguistic experience I had acquired during my brief time as a metal workshop worker to creative use.

It was only when I ran out of breath that it occurred to me that the noise I was making could attract trouble. If I really was… at this my brain shut down for a moment, trying to process the absurd truth.

Well, if I really was in… Equestria… then there were a lot of things in this forest that could just plain make a snack of me. With my astounding level of social skills I didn’t really like my chances of instantly befriending a hungry manticore.

In every story where a badass lands in the Everfree, they always stumble upon a manticore. Or timberwolves. Too bad I’m not a badass. Perhaps with the wolves I’d have a chance. You can shatter those with a kick… if you’re a pony that can lift several times your weight or fly at the speed of sound… yea, right.

I looked around trying to figure out where exactly I was. If I could at least figure out where the north was, I could probably get to Ponyville. The little of the sky that I could see was slightly dark - it was either morning or evening.

The moss on the trees would be… I never remember that one… You’d think all that time in scout camps would have left me with some knowledge… Wait, moss needs shadow. It will be on the north side.

It took me a moment more to find any moss pointing in any direction, it seemed to just grow everywhere. Made sense in a shadowy place like this. Once I finally found a tree with one moss-covered side I walked around it and started walking towards the sunny side.

It took me good five minutes to realize my error and slap myself on the head. The show keeps showing the sun in the sky, but mostly over Canterlot, which is east, I think. On the map, Ponyville is north of Everfree. I should be walking in the opposite direction. wait… does that thing with the moss even work here? This world has phases of the moon with moon and sun always on opposite sides of the planet. It might be logical with the moss or it might not be…

I sat down, dejected. Let’s see. If I keep going in a straight line, I should find the river. It goes west towards Ghastly Gorge, I think. Or if my direction turns out to be west, I’ll reach Ghastly Gorge directly. I… have no idea what is to the east. Ponyville should be to the north… No, let’s face it. I won’t get alive to the river. I need to pick the right direction straight away…

After some more deliberation, I decided to trust the moss. The logic of this world makes things work when they shouldn’t, not the other way round. Moss will be on the north side even if it doesn’t get less light. Or else I’ll be eaten by a manticore.

I continued walking, all the time scanning my surroundings in search of a hiding predator. At some point I picked a fallen branch to use as an improvised club. It was moist to the touch and would probably break if swung with full force, but it was better than nothing.

Come on, dumb forest, end already!

It did. Suddenly I saw more light between the tree trunks and then, just like that, the forest opened into a meadow, a familiar cottage in the distance. Now that I could actually see the sun, it was clearly morning.

I suppressed the urge to cheer out loudly. Instead I sat down to think again. There was no chance of it being a trick or a mistake anymore. I was in Equestria. That meant an awful lot of things. As my thoughts ran through all the possible implications, my hand touched my neck. For the second time today I did a double take as my fingers found nothing, just smooth skin under the touch.

Am I mistaken? What happened to it? I’ll need to find a mirror to make sure, or ask someone.

The most obvious solution presented itself in front of me. I walked towards Fluttershy’s cottage, all the time thinking about what I would say to her. As I approached the door, I saw several small animals getting out of sight quickly. The door was about a head too low for me. This reminded me to crouch, so I wouldn’t tower over the host when she opens. I knocked on the door and waited.

“Um… hello. How can I…?”

She was startled anyway, but didn’t shut the door. While she stood there unsure what to do, I absorbed how she looked. It wasn’t exactly what I had imagined.

It was definitely Fluttershy, there was no mistake here. But her head was smaller than I expected; the eyes, while huge by human standards, weren’t nearly as big as in the show. She reminded me of those cloner guys from Star Wars prequels. The final effect wasn’t exactly ugly, but very, very strange.

Ah, makes sense. She's ‘realistic’. She’s to her cartoon self what Equestria Girls humans are to humans. Much more like a real horse, but with shorter snout and front-facing eyes. That’s why it looks so odd. Don’t they have predators here? It would make more sense to have a wide arc of vision…

Fluttershy broke my track of thought by finally managing to speak. “Um… how can I help you? And… excuse me, but what are you?”

That I was prepared for. “A human, it’s a kind of ape. You’ve never seen anyone like me?”

“N...no.”

She speaks English. One problem off my head.  And no other humans, might be a plus.

“I just need you to answer a couple of question for me. Is Twilight Sparkle in town?”

She hesitated, but shorter this time. It seemed she was slowly getting used to me. That or her anxiety problems only concerned ponies. “I think she is. She should be at her home.”

“Good, I’ll need to talk to her.” This time I hesitated, before tugging at the collar of my shirt. “And another question… do I have a horizontal scar under my throat, at collar bone level?”

She looked at me with surprise, then took a closer look at my neck. “No, there’s nothing there. Did you get hurt?” she asked, a familiar worry in her voice.

“No,” I responded, “just the contrary. And it might be a very good thing or a very bad thing. I’ll tell you once I know for sure.”

Great, now I can look forward to weeks of worrying myself sick. Just what I could expect coming to a tv show land. So… best case scenario, I got my thyroid gland back. Worst case scenario, I got my cancer back with it. They have some diagnostic equipment here at the hospital, don’t they? Unless the Equestria afterlife thing is true here - then I have nothing to worry about anymore.

This made me think of another possibility. I’ve had dreams before, but I’ve never been in a coma. Perhaps my body is dying and these are hallucinations? Should I scream in despair or just shrug and enjoy the show?

My thoughts were once again Interrupted by Fluttershy, this time clearing her throat to get my attention. She looked more worried after my last response. “Is that…”

“Yes, that’s all,” I told her with a smile. “Unless… Would it be a lot of trouble for you to fly to Twilight and tell her I’m here? My name is Mike, but she won’t know me. I know your mornings must be very busy, but I wouldn’t like to startle any...pony by walking straight through town alone.”

I felt a bit torn about this one. This was the most efficient way to get things done. However, I was using Fluttershy here. It really was just a short flight, but I knew she was completely unable to say no when someone asked nicely. Then again, I was asking for a favour, asking nicely was the thing to do. It left me a bit tangled up on the inside.

To nobody’s surprise, the pony smiled sympathetically. “Yes, of course. It’ll be no problem at all… Just wait inside here, ok?”

And there she went, zipping towards the town on wings that even in her non-cartoony form seemed too small to carry her weight.

I sat down inside the cottage. It smelled. Not very badly, but it had an unmistakable smell of a house where several pets live. It also smelled of horse; not your typical stable stench, Fluttershy was a sophisticated horse after all, but also unmistakable.

I wonder how we smell for them. So, I might be dead or dying, or about to have the greatest adventure in my life. Except I’ve never been the type for adventures. On the other hoof, Equestria. Wait. I need to meet Twilight Sparkle to be sure. There might be more than one Equestria…

I spent the rest of the time I had preparing my questions, trying to ignore curious animals trying to sniff at me and hoping the bear won’t show up while Fluttershy is away.

Soon I heard the sound of hooves and a purple shape appeared in the door. It was a unicorn, which reduced the number of possibilities. I was about to stand up, but decided to stay down - the ceiling was high enough for me to stand, but barely. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it.

“Good morning prin… I mean Miss Sparkle,” I said, waving my hand before realizing it probably looked stupid.

Twilight Sparkle walked up to me and then walked around me, looking at me from different angles, visibly curious. “Good morning,” she said, finally catching herself and stopping in front of me. “Mr… Mike, yes? Fluttershy told me you’ve been looking for me.”

“Yes I was. It’s… kind of a long story. Is there a place here we could sit down for a moment? And take notes probably. I have some questions for you and I’m sure you’ll have lots for me when I’m done.”

Twilight’s curiosity visibly increased. She gestured towards the two small armchairs in the living room. “Fluttershy, can we?” she asked her friend.

Fluttershy nodded “Yes, of course. I’ll make some tea. But… I’ll need to go give my animal friends their breakfast then, ok?” By the looks of it she had already fed those that lived inside the house.

I sat down in the armchair. It left me in an awkward position, but was at least wide enough to accommodate me; The ponies were short, but not really that small. Twilight sparkle sat down opposite me and took out a notebook.

“Excuse me, do you have a spare? And perhaps a pencil?” I asked.

“What? Of course, here you are,” she answered, grabbing an extra from her bag.

I took a deep breath and braced myself. With Twilight Sparkle’s way of thinking I might as well tell her everything up front and get it over with. “Ok, The first thing I need is for you to keep silent until I’m done talking, ok?”

She nodded, but I didn’t put much faith in it.

“So, the first thing is I have no idea how I got here. Either I’m in a coma and hallucinating or this is another world. And the first is the more likely, because as far as I know you’re a fictional character.”

The ‘what’ that followed shook the windows in their frames. I took another breath and then tried my best to tune Twilight out as she stopped right in my face and asked me a barrage of questions faster than I could have any hope of answering.  When I decided she must be losing steam, I reached out and put a hand on her muzzle.

“That’s enough for now. I will answer your questions once you calm down enough to ask them properly. But first…” I let go of her face and waved the notebook she gave me in front of her. “There are lot’s of stories of you, from comedy to horror. By different authors. Before I answer any questions, I need to know where exactly I landed. So first, I’ll need you to answer some questions, ok?”

She visibly hesitated. “Many stories?” She was visibly still struggling with the idea.

“It’s important, ok? I will explain everything when we have the time.”

She sighed and sat back down. “Oh, ok, if that helps.”

I put the pencil to the notebook. “How many princesses are there in Equestria?”

“Two, Celestia and Luna,” she answered. “Are there more elsewhere, or…”

“Who is Cadence?” I asked before she could formulate her theory.

“Cadence? She was my foalsitter when I was little. How do you know? Oh, right.”

“Who is Discord?” I continued.

This time she gave me a confused look. “Never heard of him. Or her. Who is Discord?”

“You’ll find out. Or I’ll tell you later.” A sudden thought struck me. “Or perhaps I shouldn’t?”

Twilight’s look turned into one of curiosity. “Why shouldn’t you? Who is he?”

“All in due time. I just don’t know what I could change by telling you the story. If I change it and let you skip past some obstacles, you won’t learn your lessons. Then you will be too weak for what lies ahead.”

That got her seriously worried. Before she could start drilling me about it, I took initiative and asked another question. “New Cloudsdale?”

This managed to stop her train of thought. “New Cloudsdale? We only have one Cloudsdale.”

“Good. That decreases the chance of you being secretly evil. Wait, the one with the princesses should have answered that already.”

“What?”

“Believe me, you don’t want to know. You aren’t secretly evil, are you?”

I never expected a face like that to be capable of so many expressions. “Of course not! Why would I be?” she asked with indignation.

“So the next one is… any mysterious disappearances  in the area recently?”

“Nooo… It’s one of the horror stories, is it? What do they write about me?”

“Worst case scenario, you really don’t want to know. Has there been any significant increase in the crime levels in the recent years?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Good. Unless it changes later. Then I might be the second victim.”

“What!?” said Twilight once again. I thought I saw one of her eyes twitch a little this time.

“Hey, just covering my bases here, ok? There are lots of sunny and fun stories too, but if it’s one of those, I have nothing to fear. I can ask about them later or just go see for myself.”

Fluttershy chose just this moment to bring the tea, before quickly disappearing from sight. I looked curiously at the tea cup, with a handle useless for a pony, but perfect for a human hand.

Twilight took a deep breath. “Very well, keep asking.”

“What is the male to female ratio in Equestria?”

“45 to 55, slightly less in Ponyville. Do I want to know why that is relevant?”

Somehow I wasn’t surprised that she knew local demography data. “Large disproportion might have some implications. This falls within… expected parameters, is that the word? Ok… beyond typical kids’ teasing, is there any cultural prejudice against pegasi that are poor fliers?”

“I don’t think so,” answered Twilight.

“You’re all lacto-ovo-vegetarians?”

“Yes.”

“Now I don’t remember that from any story, but just in case: Are there any rules or taboos that a non-pony might be unaware of that might get me into serious trouble if I break them?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Ok. I think we covered all the worst possibilities. Unless it’s something that starts after first season. Now we can…”

I was interrupted by Fluttershy running into the house, with a bunch of dead fish in her mouth. She spat them on the floor as she tried to catch her breath and speak simultaneously.

“What is it, Fluttershy?” asked Twilight in a worried voice.

Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, hesitated, then finally spat out a single word “Smoke,” before pointing her hoof outside.

I walked out of the cottage, careful not to bang my head on the door frame and not to step on the fish. The sky outside was covered by a growing black cloud.

“Oh, now I know when we are.”

Twilight looked up at me. “When we are? You know what this is?”

“Yes. It’s…” I hesitated. “There should be a letter from princess Celestia at your home, explaining the situation.” Twilight turned to run home, but then looked back at me. “And you won’t tell me what this is about?”

I gestured for her to wait and thought of the situation. “I know you should succeed, but it will be a close call. I… what if I already changed things by talking to you?”

This might still turn out fine. She’s the protagonist. And what if it doesn’t work that way?

“You know what?” I said. “I will make an exception today. You will be going to the mountains. Don’t walk. Get everypony into a balloon and have Dash pull you. The events at the top should play out the same, but you will miss a rockslide and a lot of frustration. Just remember to do some agility and teamwork exercises later to make up for it, you hear?”

She nodded and rushed off, apparently deciding that she won’t get anything more from me at the moment. It took me a while to realize that Fluttershy was still standing next to me.

I turned around and looked at her. “Say, you wouldn’t have anything to eat while we wait for her? I’m an omnivore, no allergies, though I can’t eat grass or the like.”

That got her into animal caretaker mode. She scrunched her face in thought before looking towards the cottage. “Do you eat fish?”

“Not raw, I’m afraid. Can’t expect you to fry it now. Do you have any carrots perhaps?”

***

It’s been months since and now the spring has come. I told Twilight as much about our world as I thought she could handle. In return I asked lots of questions about the oddities of Equestria and marvelled at the twisted logic that made everything make sense. Also, despite continued attempts, Twilight still hasn’t figured out how I got here. On the plus side, I’m still healthy, I think.

Although I finally managed to learn the local writing, a world with no cars and few lawsuits didn’t offer much work for an insurance agent. After trying to work as Twilight’s second assistant for a while I finally found a job at Aloe and Lotus’, a cliche choice, but effective; the hands really do help.

Not that it is an entirely stress-free life. Twilight’s friends have since learned that I know at least some of the future and I keep getting pestered over things. It also earns me some choice words whenever I allow bad things to happen. I’ve managed to partially mitigate it by proving helpful in talking to Twilight - being a nerd myself I have a good understanding of how to get her back on track when she’s having a Twilight moment.

But now the young flyers competition is approaching and  Rainbow will sure ask me about her chances…  I’m about as good a liar as Applejack. She will know something is up. And what if things go differently? If Rarity tries to guess what I’m not saying and doesn’t do anything stupid, Dash will lose and ruin her confidence. And what if she isn’t fast enough this time?

Why do I always find a reason to worry myself sick?