Mission: Indigestible - Frosting Protocol

by Iamawesome

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2957

Somepony rudely enters Sugarcube corner and declares it closed due to a rodent probem. Pinkie Pie investigates and uncovers one of the greatest complots in Equestrian history.

[size=1.1em]No Muffins - No Cake - No Choice[/size]

Pleas note, that despite the title this is not a Crossover.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-31 13:35:25 UTC

A WHAT???????

It all started with me having a perfectly fine afternoon at Sugarcube Corner, when an earth-pony stallion I had never seen before entered. This was allready weird.  I did not know him!

Even weirder was his clothing. Smoking and bowtie? Why would somepony wearing such grumpy-pant clothing come to a place like Sugarcube Corner?

I should have known he was up to no good. If I could revert time (Hey, nice idea, by the way, I shoud talk to Twilight about this), I would just go up to him and -

With a lout, mad and angry roar, Pinkamena Dianna Pie charged out of hiding and swung her chainsaw at the bowtied stranger.

Wait...    Hey!  This is not one of that kind of stories, you know?

The chainsaw described a wide arc at her neck, barking with anticipation.

Seriously? "described a wide arc"? And a personification? For a Chainsaw? And why is it barking? I'm pretty sure that chainsaws don't bark. Or do they? I have never heard a chainsaw bark before. But I don't really know a lot of chainsaws. Hmmm, what if they do bark?!

His blood and inner organs spluttered onto his smoking and the ground in a spray of red-

I have to stop you right there!

I'm certainly not getting involved in a gorefic!

With a mad grin, Pinkamena wiped the saw clean and went off in search of her next target. She saw Rarity wandering along the-

Hey you! Yes, you, I'm talking to you! This is my super duper awesome story! If you want to write about me slaughtering my friends, then go and get your own!

Rarity shrieked and backed off -

That's enough! Please wait a moment, I have something to take care of.

,but the chainsaw was faster and - ... What the fu- ? ... How- ? ... No! ... Please! ... No! How did you get in here- ? ... Yes, fine! ...  Yes, I promise! ... No need! ... I promise!

Phew, I think she's gone...

Alright, problem solved! Seriously, Why is everyone so fixated on writing about me with a flat mane and a chainsaw? That only happened this one time!

Anyways, now, where was I? Right!

If I could turn back time [1], I would simply stop him from entering the shop by doing some crazy surprise party and none of this would have happened.

[1] I can't. I just asked Twilight, but she refused. Well, maybe another time.

As It was, I was mostly confused. Yes, he was a stranger. To me!

And he was wearing grumpypants-clothing in the most grumpypanty way possible [2].

[2] No, he didn't wear pants. That's just an expression. Why would ponies wears pants? That would be kind of weird.

However, my special talent is making ponies happy. That includes all ponies and not just the none grumpypant ones. Besides, I didn't even have a prof that he actually was a grumpypant. Appearance can fool you. Just think of Zecora.

So I set up my best Pinkie Pie smile. I tried to neither get too overenthusiastic about meeting a new pony, nor to unenthusiastic about his the way he looked. I think I did a pretty good job. Well, emphasis on pretty...

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie and welcome to Sugarcube Corner! We offer everything - and I don't mean everything like in everything, but everything like in everything - that turns a moody, snooty day into a perfectly fine day. Except if you are already having a perfectly fine day, then it turn your perfectly fine day into a super perfectly day. And if your day is already super perfect, then...    Hmmm, well...    It turns it better still, I guess.

So what do you want? A muffin? A Cupcake? Wait, those are the same! Some cake? As I said we really have everything.

Although... , if you are searching for non-sweet treats, you should probably head over to Sweet Apple Acres."

"Well, I'm not here for food." His voice was sandy, flat and without emotion. My assumptions about him being a grumpypant got more evidence from second to second.

And WAIT! WHAT? Not here for the food?

He went over the utter disbelief in my face and continued: "My name is Rotten Crump. I am in fact here for the health supervision."

"Oh. My condolences."

"What?"

"Nothing", I said cheerfully, before adding: "By the way, I think you are at the wrong address. Our last health supervision was just a month ago. It turned out super duper fine!"

"This is Sugarcube Corner, 34 Chestnut Road, isn't it? I think I am completely right, where I am."

"Then you are most definitely wrong about being right. Cause we totally already had a supervision last month."

"I know that there was a supervision. I also know, that you got a clean pass. However, that was before we were notified about the rat problem."

"Rats?"

My face fell.

I half expected him to burst out in laughter and declare this whole conversation a cleverly done prank at my expense, but he stayed dead serious. If anything, his frown deepened some more.

Finally I got my voice back. "Somepony noticed you about a rat problem? Here? I've never even seen a rat, like in all my life. Besides, my Pinkie Sense would have totally told me if there were rodents around."

He grinned at me, but there was no kindness whatsoever in his expression. "Well then you have nothing to be afraid of. May I come in?"

Something told me that I should most definitely not trust him, but there was no real reason I could object to his - sadly reasonable - demand. I might have gone into explaining that I technically wasn't owner of Sugarcube Corner and couldn't make that kind of decision, but I doubt it would have been of much use. This stallion was dead set on entering and would do so one way or another.

"Alright", I said with a sigh, "please enter."

He went to his task with the same stoic and emotionless expression, that I had observed in his face since the moment he entered. You are probably wondering right now, why I didn't try to cheer him up, but I somehow sensed, that it wouldn't have had any effect. He wanted to be like this.

Besides, he was currently busy, searching our cupboards, shelves, drawers and even in the stoves.

After some minutes he returned emty-hooved.

"And?", I asked with exaggerated seriousness, "Did you find the rodent's secret base of operations? Or at least any bodies they left behind?"

"No." He didn't even raise a brow at this. Didn't he have any kind of humor at all?

"Does that mean everything is fine? One-hundred percent absolutely guaranteed rat free?"

"Can I see your pantry?"

"Sure-py durepy! It's just down that corridor, first door on the left."

He followed my instructions and left me alone with my thoughts [3].

[3] No, I was totally not thinking about setting up a guaranteed-rat-free-sign over the entrance. I swear!

After exactly 22.3 seconds thinking got boring, so I called after him: "Found any rats yet?"

"Yes"

Oh

"Ahm, that's nice, I guess." I guess... "Wait! You sure it's not an alligator?"

"No. It's a rat."

"Completely sure? Because I would have totally understood if you found an alligator - "

He came around the corner, a very furry - and livid - rodent hanging from his grip.

Oh...

He put the rat into a cage hanging from his other hoof, before turning to me. "I'm sorry, but I have to close this shop. Until the problem is resolved, Sugarcube Corner is forbidden to cook, bake, mix or in any other way produce food until the matter is resolved. Also, the finished goods currently in your storage are banned from sale and will be confiscated by the Equestrian Food Safety Agency. Don't attempt to sell any of them. Believe me, we will know. Understood?"

For the first time I noticed some emotion in his expression. Was it satisfaction?

All of this was going way too quickly. What would the Cakes say, when they got back? This was a disaster! What would I do for a living when Sugarcube Corner was gone?

"Wait! Can we talk about this? Please don't close our shop!"

"I'm afraid I must. I really wish I could leave it open, but that's the law."

I had never heard a more blunt lie.

Slowly desperation was rising in my chest."Pleasy-please! I swear, we never had rats here before! This will never happen again! I promise! Just don't close Sugarcube Corner!"

"If the matter is resolved, you can inform the Equestrian Food Safety Agency and we will send another investigator. Until then you will have to stay closed.

"How long does it normally take for an investigator to be send?"

"Well, if you are lucky about two month."

Two month? I was close to crying out in desperation. Sugarcube Corner would never survive two month without customers.

"Can't you maybe overthink that once again? Please? I don't even know how the rat got in here. It should totally be impossible"

"That's your problem. I have a tight schedule. Good afternoon." He turned and walked out of the shop.

This couldn't be happening.

"Wait!" I ran after him. "Please just -" Suddenly my ear flopped, followed by a tail- and knee-twitch. My Pinkie-Sense told me about a -

WHAM!

Ouch...         - door being closed

Suddenly alone the weight of the whole situation hit me. My hindlegs collapsed under me and I fell back from the door into a sitting position.

Just what was I supposed to do? I came back to senses when I noticed my mane was starting to drop. No! I wouldn't let myself be worn down by this grumpy stallion! I would do something! Just what?

The answer was amazingly simple. I would ask my friends for help. They were the best possible friends imaginable and would probably find a way to help or at least to cheer me up.

So I opened up the door and made my way to the Library.

Just after I turned around the corner, I heard a very sandy and familiar voice behind me.

"No. I'm sorry. There is really nothing I can do."

It was him again. The felling of dread that had been lingering at the back of my mind pushed itself back up and nearly overwhelmed me. Why was he even still here? Didn't he say something about a tight schedule? I had assumed he had left to Canterlot or wherever else these uptight bureaucrats go. My curiosity awakened and eased the dread a bit.

"But please!" That was a mare. And by the sound of it almost as desperate as I felt.

That settled it. I had to find out.

There was definitely something foul here. Which meant I had to do this Pinkie Pie Style!

I climbed up the drain of the house next to me and launched myself onto the roof. Then I slowly crept up the slope and risked a glance from behind the chimney.

There he was.

Green earth-pony-stallion - check! Smoking and bowtie - check!  Molding-Bread-Cutie-Mark - check!

And he was talking to Bonbon?! in front of her candy shop.

He was just talking again, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. The wind was way too loud up here. [4]

[4] Yes, it was entirely necessary to climb onto the roof.

I had to get closer.

Taking a few steps back, I prepared myself, before sprinting along the ridge and jumping over to the next next house. There I took hold of a clothes line and ziplined across the street over to a balcony directly overhead the two conversationalists.

Both of them must have seen my shadow, because they simultaneously shot an irritated glance upwards, but didn't notice me.

Mission accomplished!

After a few seconds they continued their conversation.

"But how would any sugar-worms get into my sweet-shop? Hell, what are sugarworms? I have never heard of them before." That was Bonbon speaking again.

Hmmmm, Sugarworms? Definitely doesn't ring any bells! Strange. Normally I know about everything that has the word "sugar" in it .

"They aren't very common, but they can carry dangerous diseases. I'm really sorry, but I have to close your shop for the sake of your customers."

Hmm, that seemed awfully convenient. And awfully familiar.

Bonbon too seemed to have doubts. "Can you even show me a proof that there were some in my candy?"

"Now, I have scheduled some other appointments before I leave to Canterlot and cannot afford to run late. If you have any questions or concerns please redirect them to the Equestrian Food safety Agency"

"But you can't just ... ", Bonbon continued, but I didn't listen anymore.

Other appointments? He plans to close some more shops? I didn't have any prove for that, but I definitely wouldn't put it past him. I really had to talk to my friends. Together we would - Wait! My Friends! Applejack! What if he wants to close Sweet Apple Acres, too?

Sugarcube Corner was just a job for me. Sure, a nice job and I really liked the Cakes, but after all it was just a job. Sweet Apple Acres, however was Applejack's live.

In worst case I could still go earn money as an independent party planner. Applejack on the other hoof ...

I had to warn her.

First off all though, I had to get out of my listening post quickly and without raising suspicion.

I quickly tied a convenient rope around the balcony railing and secured it with a knot. Then I grabbed it at the other end, slid down to the ground and did an awesome ninja-roll, coming up directly next to Bonbon and Rotten Crumb.

Both of them stared at me.

"What?" I asked flatly.

They continued to stare.

"Oh hey Bonbon, it's good to see you. By the way, you are totally invited to my "Sugarcube-Corner-and Bonbon's-Candy-Shop-reopening party" the day after tomorrow. You'll get an invitation in time. Oh and hi to you too, Rotten."

For a few seconds I didn't get any reaction.

"Hi Pinkie", Bonbon said reluctantly after a while, obviously busy trying to understand what just happened.

Rotten Crumb still didn't say anything. He muttered something like "Reopening party? Tomorrow? What...?", but he didn't even greet back.

As I said, what a grumpypant. There remained nothing to be said.

I bounced down the street off to Sweet Apple Acres, humming "Lalelalalalalela" to myself and leaving the two starring after me.

Once I got out of sight, however, I immediately stopped with my completely unsuspicious behaviour and broke into a sprint. I had to reach Applejack, before -

Before I ran her over, apparently.

Ooof, that hurt.

"Hey Pinkie, watch out", Applejack stated while picking up her hat, "you could have seriously hurt somepony."

"W

"This calls for extreme measures!"

"Pinkie", Applejack said, "this is hardly the time for a party"

I was completely dumbfounded.

"Who said anything about a party? I'm going to raise a formal complaint at the Equestrian Food Safety Agency."

At the other end of town a green earth-pony stallion with a molding-bread-Cutiemark allowed himself a satisfied smudge. His day's work was done. He quickly checked his surrounding and made sure nopony was watching, before he took a mobile phone out of his smoking and dialed a very long - and very secret number.

After a few seconds a beep told him that the connection had been established.

"This is D. Identification 1 - bravo- omega - 3 - 5", he spoke into the device.

He waited for a few seconds. Then he got an answer.

Confirmed. Have you finished your assignment?

"Yes. Every one of them. I just finished with the carrot farm."

Good. Any resistance?

"None. But I think subject 23 suspected something."

The one from the cake shop?

"Yes. She seemed to realize, that the set up rat was a trick, although she did not directly accuse me. Later she also saw and possibly overheard me talking to subject 15. I doubt that she might become dangerous to us, but she might try something foolish nonetheless. It would probably be best to put her under observation."

That will probably be for the best. I'll fabricate a reason to set an agent up on her. Maybe we can get her out of the way with some legal issue without raising suspicion. Not that it would matter much. Now that you are done we can initiate the final phase. You did me a great favor today.

"It was a pleasure sir."

He hung up and strode over to the Ponyville-taxi-service for a carriage back to Canterlot.

The next day I awoke early and took the 5 Am train to Canterlot. I had packed nothing except my Pinkie-Pie-Emergency-Equipment (just in case) and a muffin box to bribe convince the ponies at the Food-Safety-Agency, which I had both stored in my saddlebacks.

As it turned out, the agency was only a few meters from a Canterlot Central Station. In fact, you could see it from the station, mainly, because it was an at least ten stories tall rectangular glass tower with a shiny glass facade. Whooooo! Impressive building for such a boring, plain institution.

Not that I really noticed it - Well, of cause I did notice it, because otherwise I wouldn't have been like "Whooooo!", but I did not really care. I was way too furious.

How dared they to close Sugarcube Corner, Bonbons shop and Sweet Apple Acres just like that.