Why Do I Like Horse Women?
Hippanthro-Sexuality is a thing now?
I’m normally not a complicated guy. I like playing guitar, hanging out with my friends, and … that’s about it, really. Well, there’s one other thing I like, but that’s where things have to go and get complicated.
“Seriously, dude?” Grass Leaf waved out at the soccer field with his ivy cap. “Nothing? C’mon, Flash. You’re telling me that none of those girls do anything for you?”
“Nope, nothing.” I took a look at the girls’ soccer team, hard at work practicing for the next game. “I mean, they’re not ugly or anything, but...” I trailed off and shrugged. “They’re just not anything special.”
Grass stared at me like I’d been speaking Spanish. Well, not Spanish, since he was actually a lot better at that class than I was. And most other classes. “You’ve gotta be kidding, bro. I mean, just look at those girls! Rainbow Dash, Cloud Kicker, Raindrops, all the sporty hotties. Plus you’ve got Pinkie Pie and the other cheerleaders. What’s not to like?” He frowned at me and idly ran a hand through his green dreadlocks. “If you still haven’t gotten over that Twilight chick, Cloud Kicker’s got the same skin color.”
“Yeah, they’re okay, I guess.” I leaned back on the bleachers and glanced back towards the school itself. “You wanna go practice? This is getting old.”
Grass didn’t say anything for a while, then slowly shifted away from me. “Dude, are you gay? What kinda guy sees that many hot girls and just wants to ignore them all and go play his guitar instead? Hell, the whole reason I joined your rock band was to get girls!” Not that Grass had ever had a hard time of that, what with being built like a football player, even though he was more of a hippie by nature.
I facepalmed and let out an exasperated groan. “I’ve had three girlfriends, man—I think we’ve safely established that I’m straight.” Well, two and a half; things had never really gotten anywhere with Twilight before she had to leave. “And Twilight’s friends look nice enough. Though I kinda miss those magical ears they had when the crazy Fall Formal thing happened. They were ... cute. I mean, not as nice as Twilight looked, but still cute.”
“Three?” Grass frowned at me. “Okay, I know there was Sunset, and I’m guessing you count Twilight even though you never got past crushing on her. Who else was there?”
“You remember Lyra, right?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“I dated her in freshman year.” Grass stared at me blankly. “Tall, big chest, green skin, had that white streak in her hair?” Still nothing. “We went out to her family’s horse farm every weekend.”
Recognition finally dawned. “Oh yeah! The crazy horse chick!”
We might have broken up a while back, but I still took offense at that. “She was not a crazy horse chick! She just ... really liked horses.”
“I think you’re letting nostalgia mess with you.” Grass shook his head. “Remember how her locker and backpack were covered in pictures of horses?”
That got an irritated grumble out of me. “So she likes horses, what’s the big deal? Lots of people like horses.”
“Yeah, but there’s liking horses, and then there’s…”
“What are those things on your hands?”
Lyra proudly extended one of the weird things covering her hands “They’re my hoof-hands! They make my hands look just like a horse’s hooves! Neat, huh?”
“Uh ... yeah. That’s cool, I guess.”
Grass shot an annoyed look Lyra’s way. “Flash, why’d you bring your girlfriend to band practice? She’s gonna be a distraction.”
I rolled my eyes. “Chill, Grass. She’ll behave.” I went over to check on her and gave her a quick kiss. “Hey, babe, any songs you wanna hear?”
She thought it over for a bit. “How about ‘Wild Horses?’”
I looked to the band, and they shook their heads. “Sorry, I don’t think we know that one. Any others you’d like?”
“How about ‘Chestnut Mare?’” Lyra frowned as she received more blank looks. “‘Pony Boy?’ ‘Live Like Horses?’ Oh, I know, ‘Crazy Horses!’”
Lyra worked her scissors over my hair, carefully trimming it. I wasn’t so sure about letting her give me a haircut, but if it’d make my girlfriend happy, I’d do it. She might even let me get to third base for this.
Once she finished, she handed me a mirror. “Well, what do you think?”
My jaw dropped in horror at the abomination sitting on top of my head. She took my reaction the wrong way. “I know! Isn’t it amazing? Your hair looks so sexy now! Just like a horse’s mane! It makes me want to...”
On the bright side, I did get to third base after all.
Lyra grinned and leaned over to whisper to me. “So Flash, I think I have the perfect birthday present for you. It’s upstairs. In my bedroom. Why don’t you come by tonight after my parents are asleep so I can give it to you?”
I might not be the smartest guy around when it comes to women, but even I could read between the lines on that. Sure enough, come midnight I carefully made my way to her house and tapped on her window. After a couple seconds she opened it, and I slipped inside. Needless to say I was grinning like an idiot, especially once I saw her in bed. “So, where’s my present?”
“Right here,” she answered with a seductive grin. “There’s just one thing you need to do for me first. Pick something up from the closet for me.”
“Sure thing!” I practically ran over to it, and opened up the door. Hanging rather prominently in the center of it was a giant ... horse costume.
Lyra reached under her bed, and pulled something out. “It took a bit, but I managed to find a bridle and reins that match your hair! Now hurry up and get the suit on—we’re going to have so much fun!”
“Okay,” I conceded. “So maybe she was a little obsessed.”
“Ya think?” Grass scoffed, then shook his head. “Gotta say, man, you really know how to pick ‘em. First the crazy horse chick, then the queen bitch of the school with Sunset Shimmer, and then some weird chick who’s apparently some kind of pony princess or something.” He paused and scratched his head. “Actually ... come to think of it, isn’t Sunset’s supposed to be from that same weird pony place too?”
“Yeah, I think so.” At least, that was how Twilight had explained it all to me. To be honest, it had all been really complicated and hard to follow. Something about moons and portals and crowns. I’d just kinda smiled and nodded while she tried to explain it all, the same way I do whenever I’m in Ms. Harshwhinny’s class.
That got a laugh out of him. “Geeze, what’s the deal with you and horses anyway? First you date a chick who’s obsessed with horses, and then you hook up with two girls who actually are horses that’ve been magically turned into girls. It’s a really weird coincidence, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, it is pretty strange...” Come to think of it, he did have a point. What were the odds that all three of my exes would have something to do with horses? Once is just a random oddball, twice could be a coincidence, but three times? That was officially getting into weird territory.
What could it mean? Thinking about it, there were really only two explanations for the whole thing. Either there was something about me that made women who had something to do with horses really wanna chase me, or ... I was into horse chicks. Those were the only two explanations. If I just had a knack for drawing in those types of girls, then no big deal, but if it was the other way around...
What did it say about me, that I kept chasing after horse women? Was I some kind of pervert or something? If I’d seen Sunset or Twilight in their pony forms, would I have been freaked out or just wanted them even more? What the hell was wrong with me? Was I some sort of freaky horse fetishist? I can’t be a horse fetishist, I’m supposed to be cool! ‘Finds horses sexy’ and ‘cool’ just do not go together!
If everyone found out about this they’d kick me out of the band, and I’d probably never be able to get another girl to look at me. Everyone would laugh when they saw me in the halls and make all kinds of jokes! My life would be ruined!
I stood up and tried to think of what I could do to get out of this. I had to find someone to talk to; someone I could tell about all of this without it getting out. Someone who might understand what the hell I was going through and who would be smart enough to tell me how to fix it. But who could I talk to?
“Hey, Sunset, you got a bit?”
I’d finally managed to find my second ex-girlfriend hanging out in an empty classroom. Judging by the instruments, someone was using it for a bit of their own band practice—no surprise with a school-wide music festival coming up. I was supposed to be practicing with Grass and the others right now, but after the talk I’d just had with him, there was no way I could focus. I needed answers, and Sunset was the only person I could think of who might understand what I was going through.
Sunset shrugged and took a seat. “Yeah, sure. What do you want?”
Okay, I needed to come up with a good way to approach this. Something subtle, kinda build up to the big questions so it wouldn’t sound too weird or freaky. I mean, it’s normal that a guy would have some questions about all this stuff. I could start with some small talk, then kinda gradually work my way around to it. “So, uh, how’ve you been?”
“Oh, fine.” She rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed grumble. “You know, aside from all the detention I got for blowing up half the school, mind-controlling the student body, and turning into a demon. Oh, and the fact that now all the other students hate me because of that. Plus, the only friends I have are the people I treated the worst before all the whole mess went down, so now I can’t go five minutes without being reminded of some terrible thing I did to them or someone else.” Her teeth clenched, and I saw a bit of the old nasty Susnet cropping up. “Oh, plus now everyone knows I used to be a unicorn, so some jerk thinks it’s funny to keep doing stuff like sticking hay in my locker. And some days it’s all I can do just to keep on the right side of things, because back when I ran this school nobody would dare to mess with me. But other than all of that, I’m just fine. You?”
I think something might’ve been bothering her. “Well, y’know, just stick with the whole ‘not becoming a demon and making us your slaves’ plan. ‘Cause I like that plan.”
For a second her eyes narrowed, and I knew her well enough to recognize the signs of her temper flaring up. I braced for impact, but instead of yelling at me she just closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths and sighed. “Right. Okay. So what was it you wanted, anyway?”
Okay, so small talk to break the ice hadn’t worked out so well. Maybe I should just take the direct approach instead. It’s like taking off a band-aid that got stuck on your body hair: the best way to handle the pain was just rip it off and deal with it. “So, uh, there was some stuff I wanted to talk to you about. With our past relationship ... thing.”
She shifted around, crossing her arms across her stomach, right under her chest. “Right, that. What about it?”
“Well, um...” I tried to think of the most diplomatic way to put it. “You’re actually some kind of horse that’s transformed into a human, right? So isn’t it kinda weird for you to date a human? I mean, I’d think you’d be more into, like, other horses, right? But since I didn’t know you were a horse, it’d be totally okay for me to date you, and wouldn’t mean I was some kinda freak who wants to bang horses or something, right? If anything, you’d be the freaky one for dating me.”
Sunset gawked at me, her mouth hanging open. Her fists slowly clenched and unclenched, and she was breathing a bit heavily. She growled something under her breath that I couldn’t quite catch, something about magic and fire. Then she took a breath, which I couldn’t help notice did interesting things to her totally human-looking chest. Sure, we’d broken up, and I was kinda-sorta with Twilight now, but a guy notices that kinda thing. She saw where I was looking and pointedly crossed her arms over her chest, fixing me with a death glare.
Then she finally gave me an answer. “I think it’s time we cleared a few things up. I’m sure you noticed that our relationship was a bit ... non-standard.”
“So, um, this is the third date we’ve been on...” I shot her a nervous grin. Every guy knows about the third date rule. Sure, Sunset had been a cold fish so far, even though I’d taken her to the most expensive restaurants I could afford. I’d made the mistake of suggesting fast food for our first date and was promptly informed that she didn’t eat ‘peasant food.’
Sunset answered me by rolling her eyes. “Congratulations, you can count to three. What’s your point?”
Yeah, she wasn’t the nicest girl at Canterlot High. On the other hand, she was hot. So, you know, it balanced out.
“Well, you know, third date rule and all...” She just stared at me like I was an idiot, so I tried to explain more. “You know, how after the third date you should either kiss or decide it’s not gonna work out. And I was kinda hoping for the kissing.”
“Riiight...” She frowned in thought. “You are the most popular, well-connected guy at Canterlot High, right? Nobody better-positioned than you?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” I wasn’t really one to brag about that kind of thing.
“And I have to kiss you to keep this relationship going?”
I considered my answer carefully. “Well, I mean, you don’t have to, but that’s how stuff like this works, you know?”
“I see.” Sunset looked around, and for some reason her eyes rested on my neighbor’s bulldog. “Fine then. I’ll kiss you. But you have to close your eyes. Deal?”
“Deal.” I closed my eyes, and waited. It took about minute before she finally kissed me. Her breath was way stinky, not at all what I expected. It smelled kinda like dog food. She made up for it by using lots of tongue, though.
“You wanna make out?”
Sunset answered with a scoff. “I would rather die.”
“Aw, c’mon, it’s the Fall Formal.” I gave her my most charming grin. “Which you just won for the third year in a row. Don’t you think that calls for a little celebration? I mean, we’ve been dating for months now, and you’ve only ever kissed me once.”
She let out a resigned sigh. “Okay, fine. I need to take care of a few things, so why don’t you go wait for me behind the gym, and I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Sure thing!” I went straight there and patiently waited for her return. Half an hour later, Snips stopped by to let me know she’d already gone home.
“Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty monkey!” Sunset shrieked, right before kicking me in the junk. Which hurt. A lot.
My hand promptly removed itself from her butt, and dropped down protect my wounded balls. In hindsight, perhaps I had been a bit too bold. We’d only been dating for two years, after all.
“Nah, seemed pretty normal to me.” I shrugged. “You were just playing hard to get.”
Sunset groaned and rubbed her temple. “You were dropped on your head as a baby, weren’t you? It’s the only explanation.” She took a couple more deep breaths to chill out. “Fine. Let me lay it out for you. I dated you because you were popular, not because I liked you. The mere idea of being physically intimate with you sickens me.”
“Oh. Bummer.” I groaned and rubbed the back of my head. “Seriously, not even a little?”
Sunset sighed. “I won’t sugarcoat it; you deserve the truth. I found you about as attractive as you would find ... well, a horse.”
That got a nervous chuckle out of me. “Well, that’s kinda the problem, Sunset. I mean, after having a thing for you and Twilight, plus some other stuff that happened before I met you, I’m kinda starting to wonder if I’m into ... horse women.”
That declaration was met with a loud gasp, but not from Sunset. I was still trying to figure out who it had come from when the door into the classroom opened up, and, one by one, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack all filed in. Awkward silence followed, until Rarity broke it. “We didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but the two of you are in our practice room, and we couldn’t help but overhear...”
“What a weirdo you are,” Rainbow Dash finished for her, fixing me with a suspicious glower. “I knew you were weird ever since you dated Sunset back when she was still being a complete jerk, but this is a whole new level of bizarre.”
Applejack nodded along with Rainbow, then turned to me, a faint grin on her face. “Ya know, Ah don't mean to be mean, but ya ain't allowed near the farm's horses anymore.”
“Oh come on!” I protested. “I’m only into horse women, not horses!”
Fluttershy let out a squeak and shifted to place Rainbow Dash between herself and me. “We turn into ... kind of, um, pony women. When we play our music.”
Huh. Well that was unexpected, but very exciting. “You transform? That sounds amazing! Can I watch you guys play?”
For some reason, Sunset smacked me on the back of the head. “Flash. Get out before you embarass yourself even more.”
I stared at them all in blank confusion. “Was it something I said?”
“Out!”
Dating Sunset Shimmer had given me some survival instincts, one of which was a keen sense for when I needed to do what she said or suffer the consequences. This was one of those times. As I made a rather hasty departure, I dimly overheard Pinkie Pie. “I don’t know what you girls are complaining about. I don’t think he’s weird at all!”
The next day, Grass Leaf and I were sitting on the bleachers watching soccer practice again. Well, he was watching. I was just kind of stewing and thinking about all the crazy stuff I’d gone through over the last day or so.
I guess my silence must’ve caught Grass’ attention, because he turned to face me. “Hey, Flash, you alright?”
That was all it took for the truth to come spilling out. “Grass? I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday, and it looks like you’re right. I think I might be into horse women. Guess that makes me some kinda freak, huh?”
Grass stared at me for a couple seconds, then shrugged. “It is a bit weird, but so’s a lot of stuff. I mean, come on bro—that isn't even in my top ten for weirdest things in this school. Hell, it’s not in the top ten even after you remove all the stuff Pinkie Pie does. Remember the time your ex turned into a demon and mind-controlled the whole school?”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, but he had a point. High school is weird. Compared to having magical horse women around in the first place, liking them seemed downright normal. “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”
Grass stood and stretched. “So, like, whatever man. No need to make a big deal outta it. Wanna go practice with the band?”
I thought it over, then shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”
Author's Note
The author would like to apologize for, in no particular order:
1) Making Flash so ridiculously stupid.
2) Including a Human-Obsessed Lyra gag (Well, horse-obsessed Human Lyra).
3) Writing and publishing a story which only exists because myself, Ponibius, and Comma-Kazie were chatting about Equestria Girls 2 and a random idea popped into my head.
