The DASSlings.

by NeggaMunneySwagMunney

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Random
Length: 2976

The Dazzlings put forth a challenge to everyone at Canterlot High, but really they have nothing in mind that would pique the interest of anybody. However, hope is around the corner since a certain artist is around to help.

The Dazzlings need an idea for a band performance, and fast. With just a week till the auditions for battle of the bands, they need a fresh idea that is absolutely different from all of the competition. But the chances of coming up with something feasible other than a lights show, an electric guitar fiesta or a mobile float within the timespan of a week is slim, and the girls are fraught with anxiety. They would definitely be the butt of everyone's laughter if they, the people who suggested the idea in the first place, couldn't even get past the first auditions! They would need a miracle. But miracles come in the strangest, and silicon-filled, forms.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-12 17:09:44 UTC

Got buns?

"Thought of anything?" said Adagio Dazzle, flicking her wild mess of an orange mane. The other girls shook their heads. All of them pouted, sighed, and drooped their heads. The stuffy fast food restaurant they were in wasn't helping with their condition either.

"We've got to think of something, girls!" said Dazzle yet again, her fist pumped into the air in a bid to motivate them, but her efforts were quite obviously in vain. Sonata Dusk shook her blue head and in effect shook her ponytail hairdo side to side in disapproval.

"Well, if you weren't fighting with us all the time, we'd actually get work done, MADagio," retorted Dusk, snorting as she did so. Adagio clenched her teeth and grabbed Dusk's collar, but was intercepted by the last member of their group, Aria Blaze, who stopped them just in time by grabbing Adagio's hand with her own purplish-hued hand.

"Stop this! We don't like each other, true," muttered Blaze as she scanned the two of them, hatred blazing in their eyes. "But if we're going to have a chance to beat people at the Battle of the Bands, I suggest we put our heads together and work on a game plan."

The other two contemplated her words, then looked at each other with sour looks.

"Fine," Adagio finally said, turning away from the two of them with a flick of her orange mane, and looked out of the window of the fast food restaurant. The restaurant, with name: Hot Buns, was famous for its hot dogs and fries. Also, it was the girls' frequent meeting place, much to the dismay of the teal-skinned Sonata, who didn't like the 'fast food' that was offered here. See, these Dazzlings fed through a weird green aura that would be emitted by arguing people that fed their life-force. Sonata felt that the fare that the restaurant-goers afforded was too measly to be even considered a meal. Plus, the main waiter who always served them was a pimply, thirsty teenager who eyed them constantly.

The three tried putting on their thinking caps but even after 10 minutes, nothing came up. They truly needed a miracle. After Aria sent her purple-skinned self down to investigate the work that the other groups prepared, the Dazzlings were shocked beyond belief; the photos that Aria took illustrated moving floats, lights shows, and even a wand fight. And by wand fight, I mean that they get two of the male members of the band to look each other straight in the eyes, unzip their pants, and whip out their--

"YAW! Dis fatass in da buildin'!" came a voice from the entrance. Everyone in the restaurant, inclusive of the Dazzlings, turned their heads immediately to the loud source. There were several people, actually, all of whom were very tan in skin colour, and were dressed in skimpy get-ups. But it was apparent who the ring leader was, this huge lady in the front of the group in a pink bikini winking at all of the male customers in the restaurant.

"Name's Nicki. How ya'll?" whispered the one who addressed herself as Nicki to a orange-skinned guy at one of the tables, who was clearly with a girlfriend (a green-skinned girlfriend at that). The girlfriend was looking starry-eyed as Nicki asserted herself and seemed totally uninterested in her boyfriend, whose crotch was being rubbed by Nicki's foot. The Dazzlings looked one with disapproval.

"Who's she? A celebrity?" whispered Aria Blaze to her companions. The other two seemed to ignore her as Nicki's heavy aura swept over the people in the restaurant. Flanked by her entourage of big women, she snapped her fingers at the waiter, foot still on the orange dude's crotch.

"I want the biggest 'dog ya got. Buns ain't gon' feed themselves, ya know?" said Nicki, her smile stretching so wide that an observer would think that it was plastic. Nicki returned her gaze to the boy she was fondling with her foot and chuckled.

"Yaw. Me and yous gon' have a good time tonight. Mind if I take him?" Nicki asked the guy's girlfriend. She shook her head, and Nicki started laughing, cackling like a hyena. Her crew of big assed women laughed along as well.

"Oh, fans. They never fail ta' impress me," said Nicki between chuckles, and found herself a table, which was actually offered up by the couple that Nicki confronted. They stood up and made for the door, passing by the Dazzlings as they did so.

"Why didn't you act braver out there?" hissed the green-skinned girlfriend who had blonde bangs. Her boyfriend shrugged.

"You could've gotten raped by Nicki Minaj's beautiful self, which I'd truly pay real money to see!" said the girlfriend, and the Dazzlings slapped themselves on their foreheads. But still, Adagio Dazzle thought better of the situation and grabbed the girl's hand.

"Excuse me, miss," asked the orange Dazzling. "But who is this 'Nicki' that's in the restaurant?"

"Don't touch me!" hissed the girl, batting Dazzle's hand away. She scoffed. "Of course, uncultured ruffians like you would never know who Nicki Minaj is! She's none other than the biggest, bootiest, hoeiest of them all! She's sold like, a gajillion albums and is a true gangstress. BITCH."

With that, the girl dragged her boyfriend by the hand and left the establishment. Adagio Dazzle sighed with her companions as they saw Nicki Minaj wolf down her hot dog like a starving wolf being fed scraps. Then, Sonata Dusk tapped her teal fingers on her friends' shoulders.

"Girls, this may not be the best idea," said Sonata Dusk, having earned the full attention of her Dazzling comrades, "But it might be worth a shot. See, we could ask her for advice."

"THAT'S TERRIBLE!" cried the other two, attracting the attention of nearby customers. Thankfully, the gnashing of teeth from Nicki Minaj's table didn't stop, and the girls could formulate a proper plan.

"It's the only choice we have. Just give it a shot, alright?" Sonata said. "Not like we have anything to lose."

"Fine!" the other two said, and the three of them stood up in unison to approach Nicki. As they neared the table, the sounds of conversation became louder and louder, as Nicki chatted really intensely with her large friends.

"--And as I was saying, wait, listen to me, hey, listen. I got Drake to sit his ass down on that chair, had to talk to him to chill out, brought him a spare set of pants after he couldn't contain his excitement from my twerkin' on him--"

"HEY! We're the Dazzlings, and we need your advice!" said our three heroes at the same time. Nicki Minaj turned her plastic face to them, her mouth agape. The Dazzlings found it hard to turn their faces away from Nicki's generous bosom. Her friends were just as large as her and seemed nearly like clones of her. The Dazzlings didn't try to focus too much on that but still, their presence was overbearing. After shock and a long silence, Nicki cackled like a witch and set her drink of coke down. As if by protocol, her companions laughed with her.

"Ey... Ya'll are funny. Where are we, cuckoo town? YOOHOO," cried Nicki, but the Dazzlings narrowed their eyes and Nicki's own eyes grew wide, but her smile never left. "Kay, fine, you bitches scary. My advice is..."

Suddenly, the whole restaurant was alive with music and Nicki Minaj got on the table to shake her black ass, which was peeking out from under her tight pink bikini. The Dazzlings couldn't stop staring, though inside they felt ultimately disgusted. But they had to stare. A loud black male voice played over the speakers whilst Nicki sang.

Yeah, he love this fat ass, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah! This one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club.

I said, Where my fat ass big bitches in the club?

Fuck the skinny bitches, fuck the skinny bitches in the club.

I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the muthafuckin' club.

Fuck you if you skinny bitches, what?!

I got a big fat ASS.

Finally, the music stopped with Nicki and her crew twerking on every corner of the restaurant, on the furniture, on the Dazzlings, on the customers, on the waiter's face, on the boiler, on the burning hot stove, and even on the ceiling. The Dazzlings were nothing short of amazed.

"Teach us... your ways."

"Actually, I've got free time this whole week. But you bitches skinny..." said Nicki, a thoughtful finger on her chin. The Dazzlings looked at their feet in dismay and Nicki pouted.

"Aww my babies..." said Nicki in a caring manner as she used her hands to caress their faces and bring them back up to eye level. "I didn't say hope isn't there for you. You just need training! Come, this week is young, niggas."

And with that, Nicki Minaj took the three Dazzlings as her apprentices.

"... You're... Here... There's NOOOTHINNNGGGG I FEE--"

"NEXT!" cried Luna as Flash Sentry, waist grabbed by Shining Armour on the railings on the mock model of a large oceanic ship. The two of them drooped their heads in disappointment as they trudged off the stage, Flash Sentry in a bride gown and Shining Armour in a suit. A thousand fangirls still squealed for them though.

"That was Flash Sentry and Shining Armour's audition for the Battle of the Bands, entitled: Famous Ship Scene," said Celestia, and some fangirls chuckled at the word 'ship'. "Anyway, it's time for the next group, the Dazzlings! What would be in store for us, I wonder? Maybe a lights show? A rock concert? Or maybe a movie re-en--"

"GET ON WITH IT!" cried Luna and everyone in the audience. Celestia shook her head, muttering the word 'amateurs' under her breath.

"The next contestant for the Battle of the Bands asked me to read this out for them before they went on stage. 'We are the Dazzlings. We are the best fucking band ever, PERIOD. We have music that is so good, we will use our voice-dicks to cum into your ear-pussies.'"

Before there could be a proper welcome, lights shot up on stage and fireworks were set. A black male, who was very attractive, leapt out onto stage, causing fangirls to swoon. He had sunglasses on and was no other than Sir Mix-a-lot. He took a deep breath and held his mouth against the microphone.

MY ANACONDA DON'T.

MY ANACONDA DON'T.

MY ANACONDA DON'T. WANT. NONE UNLESS YOU'VE GOT. BUNS. HUN!

Suddenly the Dazzlings came out of their hiding spots in the sides of the stage, looking very different. They had substantially larger asses and tits and all of them were black. They were twerking everywhere as the music played. The whole audience looked on in shock as they did their thang.

"BITCHES, I SUMMON YOU!!!" cried Nicki's voice from the side of the stage, and thousands of black women flooded the hall, twerking on every conceivable pixel that existed. Everybody was caught in this bind, as many suffocated to death under the asses and titties of black women.

"I guess... This is unavoidable," said Trixie as she brought the knife to her finger, drawing blood. With that blood, she drew a pentagram on the ground encased by a perfect circle.

She had taken leave that day because she had consulted a spiritual medium, and found out that the school was going to be in deep trouble because of the Dazzlings. She found out from the spiritual medium that she had to summon Lil Wayne. The medium didn't really give any reason to this, but she figured that this medium was really fucking good since he had facial hair.

After chanting some chants, the ground erupted and out sprang the hero of Canterlot High, Lil Wayne. See, Lil Wayne is actually dead at the current moment and a clone had replaced him. This was the real Lil Wayne, incarnated from hell.

"Shit. Dafuq am I here for?" screeched Lil Wayne, the chains around his neck jingling. Trixie, exhausted from the energy used up in the demonic summoning, collapsed on the ground. Lil Wayne smiled as a non-black woman was here, able to be taken advantage of by him. He used his strong nigga arms to reach out to her, but he was stopped by a scent-- the scent of more panicked non-black girls coming from inside the Canterlot High building. There was more prey to be found.

The Dazzlings, or the dASSlings, as they are now going to be called, stepped onto the stage, surveying the destruction they caused. They had to hand it to Nicki Minaj; using a silicon pump to enhance their features was a genius idea. Also, setting loose all of her big booty hoes to terrorise the school was no less innovative. Soon, they'd grip Canterlot High with their power and have all the students under their control, and they'll be able to do a repeat of Sunset Shimmer's villainous and obviously genius plan.

"Nnngh..." came a voice from beneath the rubble. Adagio Dazzle swung her ass towards the rubble, and from 6 metres away, managed to swat the rubble away to reveal Principal Celestia. She was weak, but in her hand was a gun.

"I'll... kill all... of you..."said Celestia, weakened greatly. "Why does... this fucked up... shit always happen to this school?!"

"Dunno. Don't care," said the dASSlings, as they raised their hips above Celestia's body, lifting their asses to the ceiling of the hall, ready to crush the poor principal. Celestia was too weak to place her finger on the trigger, and she prayed for a quick death. The asses came down.

*CRASH, BOOM!!*

Celestia heard the crash, but didn't feel it. Rather, she was pulled out of it by... a hero. As the rubble and dust was cleared, it was revealed who the hero was.

"Lil Wayne!" cried everyone who was in the hall, as the Chained crusader flexed his abs, his hands clutching Principal Celestia.

"White bitch better stay here. I'm gon' finish dis," said Wayne as he took the gun out of Celestia's hands, laying her on the ground.

The dASSlings were now truly fearing for their lives as Lill Wayne had the gun in his hands. With only the few of them in the hall and the silicon powers of Nicki's silicon pump seeping away, the girls were at the mercy of Wayne. And Wayne's mercy was waning. Or should I say, wayning.

"DIE, BITCHES!!!" cried Lil Wayne as his finger hit the trigger. Nobody could see the body of Nicki Minaj swooping in from the side to protect the girls as the gunshot cracked through the entire hall. Everyone was taken aback.

"Unbelievable," gasped Celestia, as Nicki was on the ground. Suddenly, all of the big booty hoes in the building all died.

"He got me in my tits..." said Nicki Minaj between coughs. The dASSlings listened closely to their mentor. "My tits were the command centre for my big booty hoes. They were all robots... I... I don't have any friends."

Tears were welling up in Nicki's eyes, which started getting blurry because the multiple chemicals she put around her eyes didn't react well with water. The dASSlings comforted Nicki.

"You've got friends, Ms. Minaj. You've got them right here," said the girls as they clutched Nicki close. Suddenly, Nicki Minaj burst into a billion butterflies, fluttering about and scattering into the wind like whispering sand in the desert, heading for an open window and flying towards the sun. It was beautiful.

"Aight, since that's settled," said Lil Wayne, unzipping his pants, "It's about time I took BITCHES into my own hands, nigga!"

Lil Wayne aimed for Celestia first, because she was the whitest. But then, Trixie came out from the hall door and rushed forward, grabbing Lil Wayne's hand. She dragged Lil Wayne with superhuman force into a pentagram she had made beforehand, but Wayne wouldn't let go of her arm. Seeing this as an emergency, Celestia got up, went to the emergency compartment which held things like an axe and a fire hydrant, and found a glass compartment with sign "BREAK IN CASE OF NIGGA". She extracted a piece of fried chicken and tossed it down into the pentagram, and Lil Wayne let go of Trixie, plummeting down back to hell where he belonged.

NICKI MINAJ

A MENTOR AND A LOVED ONE

The Dazzlings couldn't stop staring at Nicki's grave. Accompanied by Trixie, they were out here in the school courtyard where a gravestone was erected in memorium of her. There wasn't any body to bury, after all. Sonata Dusk started crying.

"She wanted... f-f-friends all along..." cried Sonata, and everyone else started comforting her. Then, all of them started crying.

"She was a whole bundle of love, beneath all of that silicon," cried Aria Blaze.

"A true human bean," sobbed Adagio Dazzle.

"I didn't even know her," bawled Trixie, and all of them cried in a group hug.

After a while, no one spoke. Then, all four of them heard footsteps behind them, and there was Principal Celestia, a look of sorrow on her face.

"This might be inappropriate since you're mourning," said Celestia. "But we'd like to assure you that Ms. Minaj's legacy lives on. We, as the school board, prepared a little something for the entire school to remember Nicki by."

"It's fine, Principal," said Adagio, her orange face emanating a radiant smile. "Fact is, it's all the more appropriate. What is it that you guys did?"

"You'll hear in 3... 2... 1..." said Celestia, looking at her watch. A song played through the speakers. Well, it wasn't exactly the school song.

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