Twilight Sparkle plays Cookie Clicker

by Kinetic Heat

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2929

Like a plague this new mini game has spread over Ponyville. Her friends play it, her brother plays it, heck, even Princess Celestia orders her to play it. What could possibly go wrong?

It's a stultifying scheme of game. Click on the big cookie on the left border of the screen as many times as you can. ''Bake'' cookies. Have ''fun''. After the Princess herself entrusts Twilight with going along the hype, Twilight goes on about why this game is the new virus that has inflicted the internet.

How many cookies can she bake before she breaks down?

For those of you who never played, here's the link Cookies

Published 2014-09-11 16:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-11 16:00:03 UTC

Twilight Sparkle's bakery

''And therefore, I give you, my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, the mission to bake as many cookies as you may, so we can compare our strategy and share our score.'' Spike rolled the parchment back and bound the red string around it, looking at Twilight with the expectant look he always gave her after he had read a letter to her. Twilight looked blankly at him, her face giving away none of her thoughts. Then, she sullenly let her head hang down and sighed.

''Goodness gracious, why me?''

Spike angled his leg and crossed his arms behind his back. ''So, what are you gonna do?'' Twilight had already trotted over to the desk where her PC was set up.

''What do you think I'm going to do? The princess wants me to play, so I'll play and report to her every single day.'' Spike nodded reluctantly and went off; probably over to Rarity, but Twilight didn't really care.

Ever since Pinkie Pie had stumbled over this unfaithful site through the results of an unfortunate Bing search, the whole town had been buzzing with chatter about how well their farms were growing cookie dough, or that she needed another thirty portals for an achievement, that would then boost their milk income. She had reported this phenomenon to the princess and not even three days later got a letter back, saying that Luna wouldn't stop playing the game and Celestia had been rising the moon two times already in her stead. Three days after that, the letter Spike had read to her had appeared. And now this.

Twilight waited until her monitor flashed up with the blue background of her desktop. She didn't possess a wallpaper. What good did it if it wasn't functional? She remembered Pinkie Pie's screen, which was a bright yellow-white-ish cupcake in a pink paper roll, topped of with frosting, the cutie marks of her friends as sprinkles sunk into the cream, when she had first shown them the stupid game. Rainbow and Fluttershy seemed to be very interested, Applejack and Rarity politely excused themselves with their amount of work they wouldn't have enough time to play. To Twilight it had been an enigma why anypony would waste their time with this kind of nonsense.

Now however, she waited patiently for her PC to set up and looked around in the small room in the back of the library. Twilight didn't use her computer often, mostly for categorization matters, though she had to admit that this kind of an ascended calculator had its advantages. Solemnly, she moved the cursor of her mouse towards the icon with the little fox wrapping itself around the earth ball. Rainbow had assured her that chrome would have been the better option, but the cute design had persuaded her in the end, since they seemed equal in quality to her. Also, a fox was always a symbol for cleverness, just befitting of somepony as smart as her. ''Alright, here goes... orteil dot d-a-s-h-n-e-t dot org.'' She giggled. That's why Rainbow was the first one to praise it. ''Let's see, ah, there it is! Cookie Clicker. Ugh.''

Her screen flushed blue as the site had finished loading and she inspected the interface. ''Hmm, links to other social media.... Menu, oh please can't they even right out statistics?'' She grumbled. ''Updates and a store, huh? What's that? 'You feel like making cookies. But nobody wants to eat your cookies.' Well, maybe because I'm not very good at baking, mister Cookie Clicker site.'' Twilight looked around further and spied something. ''Ninja Mitten's bakery? That can't be right. Lemme see, T to the double u-i-l-i-g-h-t,'' she hummed with glee as she spelled her name and entered the Text. 'Twilight Sparkle's bakery' stood in white letters over the giant cookie on the left side of the window. ''Ok then, let's get this over with.''

Click.

''Achievement unlocked. Wake and bake? Hmm, that was easy.'' Twilight pressed the left mouse button another few times. ''Your first batch goes to the trash. The neighborhood raccoon barely touches it.'' She read aloud. ''Oh c'mon, I might not be as good as Pinkie, but they can't be that horrible!'' Twilight began disliking this game even more so far. Not only was it a stupid waste of time she could have used for studying on the magic of friendship, but also was it offending. She would show this machine what cookies she could bake!

''No wait, what am I thinking? Those aren't even real cookies!'' She sighed and kept on clicking cookies. ''Game saved? Oh, so this has an automatic save. Handy. Huh? Cursor? But I already got one, why should I get two? I'd need a second mouse too, wouldn't I?'' She moved her single cursor over to the field on the right. ''Autoclicks once every ten seconds. Can't be bad, right?'' A click to the panel added one mouse cursor more to float around the cookie to the left. So this helped her make cookies without her having to click? ''Another achievement? This is easier than I had feared. Oh, what's that? Updates? 'Reinforced index finger', a power up I guess?''

A third cursor was added shortly after. ''Another achievement? That's too easy, hope it doesn't get annoying. Well, I mean more than already.'' The sound of a mouse button being pressed lingered in the empty library. ''Your family accepts to try some of your cookies.' So with the exponentially growing price for a cursor plus the cookies I already baked together, I already made over 70 cookies and only now my family tries them? This is so fake!'' Twilight slammed her hoof to her forehead. Of course this was fake, it was a GAME. ''Your cookies are popular in the neighborhood.' Are they?''

Twilight started pressing the mouse button with more amusement now. Maybe this game wasn't so bad. Sure, it was way too simple for her taste, but for Pinkie or the Cutie Mark Crusaders, it would be just right. ''A new tool. Grandma. Sure, why not? Everypony knows your grandma makes the best cookies.'' She giggled. Not everything was absurd it seemed. ''Aaaand another achievement. Cookies per second increased... 'Why don't you visit more often?' Good question actually.'' Twilight made a mental note to go see her grandmother sometime soon. ''And now more upgrades for the new unit too? Oh boy, what joy.'' It was only a half sarcasm. She really began taking interest in this game. Not to judge a book by its cover was a lesson she thought she had learned some time ago. Also, the tools in dark drew her attention, Twilight felt a challenge.

Twilight had soon reached the twelve thousand cookie mark. ''Your cookies now have their own website? Crazy, why would they need their own website? Oh yes, a new upgrade. Kitten workers... I see, that's what the milk is for... What do they cos- WHAT?'' Twilight stared at her monitor, eyes round as plates. ''Nine million? How in Equestria could I bake so many cookies? With a CPS of 76,4 and 4,0 cookies per click at a click rate of 7 clicks per second this would take almost a full day! Unless...''

Like a machine gun, the number on top of the cookie rattled upwards, climbing into an area of millions, then hundred millions only to sack down to ten thousands quickly after the next purchase. ''According to my calculations, as soon as I get another time machine, I'll have to click exactly three thousand seven hundred sixty seven times to get the peanut butter cookies, which will then increase my CPS to two hundred thousand six hundred fifty two point zero and then with another click frenzy, stacked with a lucky seven, will allow me to get the anti-matter condenser in exactly seventeen minutes.''

It had been soon after Twilight had reached the four hundred million mark that she had consulted her Abaccus on some simple strategies. If she had to play this game, she would be playing it her way. ''Your cookies are re-writing the fundamental laws of the universe.' That's funny'' She snickered. ''Wait, what time is? 3:28 AM already? Oh boy, I should really get some sleep.'' When her hoof moved to close the window, however, she found herself unable to do it. ''But if I go to sleep now, I will lose a huge amount of cookies, I could bake... Ah, screw it, I'll have Spike make my coffee a double tomorrow. Oh my gosh, I can't believe they made a joke with the numbers on the time machine upgrade.''

Spike dragged himself down the stairs, scuffled into the kitchen and prepared the breakfast for Twilight and him. When he pulled up the curtains, a bright beam of sunlight struck his face and blinded him for a moment. It had been strange that Twilight hadn't come to wake him, but from the angle at which the sun was standing, he guessed it must be around high noon. Actually, it was quite silent in the library; usually around this time, there were at least a handful of ponies browsing the shelves for reading material. But today one could hear a needle fall. Or a mouse being clicked.

He rushed into the small room to find Twilight leaning on her left elbow, while her right hoof clicked in a steady rhythm. ''Twilight-'' At the sound of Spike's voice, a jolt went through Twilight's body and she sat upright. ''- have you been up all night?'' His friend turned around, gaze glassy and dark bags under her purple eyes.

''Yes, Spike.'' Her voice sounded shallow, more a ghostly whisper than anything else and she was speaking very slowly. ''I have indeed been up all night long, playing the cookie click game and calculating the most efficient routes to get a maximum of cookies. If you would now excuse me, the Grand Matriarchs have awoken and I long to appease them. Oh, and if you would be so kind to get me a triple black Espresso, that would be nice. Thank you.''

The little purple and green dragon was too scared to utter another question and just did as he was asked. He didn't understand. What had gotten into Twilight? Yesterday she had been resisting with every fiber of her being.

As soon as Spike had brought her brown elixir, Twilight sat back to the task of mass producing cookies. She reset her score once more and earned herself another forty three heavenly chips, adding up to a total of seven hundred thirty chips. Oh yes, this would boost her income greatly and maybe even win her the achievement she needed to turn her milk to caramel and because of the kitten upgrades she would earn even more cookies! Now if she could only find a way to get rid of the Wrinklers once they appeared... Maybe she could re-write the source code to- Nonononono, her parents and the princess didn't raise a cheater! ''I need to go over this. When I reach the Bingo Center upgrade, maybe, with enough heavenly chips, I could get my CPS to increase so rapidly that I can just upgrade enough so that, once I activate it, I then can immediately buy the appeasement.'' She rubbed her hooves together before realizing what she was doing and instantly brought her right back to clicking.

Three days later

''Twilight! Cerberus has somehow escaped Tartarus and now he's running rampant in Ponyville! You have sent him back once, you can do it again!'' Spike shouted into the dim lit library. When nothing answered his call, he stepped further into the building. Only one area was illuminated by a single burning candle, which was the back room where Twilight sat before her PC, hammering down furiously on the left button of the mouse. ''Twilight?'' Setting one unsure step before the other, Spike made his way to his friends chair. Carefully, he poked her into the shoulder.

''Spike, I swear to the raspberry milk, if you ever scare me like that again, I will tell Rarity that you have been going through her trash again!'' Spike's face went pale.

''You wouldn't-I mean who told you I- Never mind! Cerberus, Ponyville, destruction, right now!'' He gestured wildly towards the widely flung open door, where bits of debris could be seen lying on the ground, many asunder. Twilight didn't so much as bother to turn her head away from the monitor.

When Twilight simply went back to click on the cookie, Spike turned away. This was getting out of hand! ''Have you ever written to the princess yet?'' The only response was a muffled grumble from her. He shook his head, stormed out the door and towards Fluttershy's cottage. She knew what to do with animals, right? Right?

When she felt a rope tighten around her chest and her chair along with her being dragged away from the screen, a scream of surprise erupted from Twilight's throat. ''No! My cookies! I' losing clicks right here!'' Her back touched the ground and her gaze was turned to the ceiling, where the silhouettes of her five friends and Spike appeared. ''Ah'm sorry, sugarcube, but drastic times call for drastic measures.'' Applejack tipped her Stetson and pulled the rope around her chest to her arms and legs. ''Applejack, let me go, this is serious, there could be a golden cookie right now, and with a little bit of luck a click frenzy too, when those two stack, I get a huge amount of cookies and-''

''You were right, Spike, this is even worse than we had feared.'' Rainbow shook her head. ''Boy, why does she have to go full egg-head mode on everything she does?'' A sharp gasp from Pinkie let them turn their heads to the PC. ''You guys, get this! She's close to a sixtillion cookies!'' Rainbow's eyes went wide. ''What? How? I've been playing far longer than her, and I only managed to reach around half a quadrillion!'' Twilight's movements in the rope made her turn her gaze back. ''That's because I used mathematics! If you had payed some attention when I was trying to teach you about possibilities and extreme value, then you had-'' ''Yeah, yeah, knock it off. Seriously, it's messing with my head.''

Applejack cleared her throat. ''Back to why we're here. Sugarcube, this here game is doing you nothing good. We wrote a letter to the princess, and she says you are off the hook. She's embarrassed 'bout what she'd told you earlier. She also told us ta get yer away from that damn thing. Really, this thing is messin' with your head worse than maths do with Rainbow's!'' ''Hey!'' Rainbow gave Applejack's shoulder a rough thump. ''No, I cannot! My cookies! I am so close to unlocking every single achievement, I even got seven shadow achievements already!'' ''What are-'' ''You don't wanna know.''

''Darling, I see you really like this game, but don't you think it is time that you play with your friends instead of a dusty old machine? You're so pale, I think a picnic on Sweet Apple Acres is just the right thing for you now. Wouldn't you agree?'' Rarity held out her hoof. At first, Twilight struggled against her bounds, but Applejack didn't have title of 'best rope-knotter in town' for nothing. She looked in the faces of her friends and saw the concern, true friendship-born concern for her, and only then noticed what had happened. ''I'm so sorry you guys, I was so eaten up by the challenge, all the things to find out- oh horse feathers! What happened to Cerberus?'' Fluttershy raised he hoof. ''Um, he's back to where he belongs, um, Pinkie had an emergency ball stashed for that to happen, you know, like last time.''

Twilight sighed. ''Good to hear. You are right, guys. I could really need some sunlight-'' Her stomach made a sound like a growling cat. ''- and something to eat.'' All of them laughed together. ''Now then, I guess I'll go and wipe my save.'' Everyone agreed with a nod. She stepped over after Applejack had freed her and moved the mouse to the black panel that read 'wipe save'. She gave her approval to the two security questions and read aloud. ''Farewell, cookies. Well, I guess that's it then. No more cookies for me.'' Pinkie burst into her field of vision. ''I hope you are joking! I baked a fresh patch just this morning.'' Again they shared in a laugh. ''Why are we laughing?''

Twilight turned to Spike. ''Spike, my apologies, I've been so slacky these past days. I promise to you, you'll get a huge ruby cupcake for this, but before that, maybe could you clean up a little, I swear, I'll do what you don't get tomorrow, ok?'' Spike only shrugged and waved her off. ''Hey it's cool. Go have something to eat, I'll get it done. But I want extra emerald sprinkels on top, deal?'' Twilight smiled. ''Deal.''

The six ponies went out the door and made way to Sweet Apple Acres, leaving Spike behind. With a feather duster, he stepped towards Twilight's still turned on PC. The opened window showed the blue background with the huge cookie on the left. Spike scratched his head. ''I don't get what's so much fun about this. I's just a plain old cookie.'' He moved the mouse and clicked at it. ''Wake and bake. Hmmm, ah whatever, how wrong can a few clicks be?''