Bang Bang, My Baby Shot Me Down
EIGHT BIT VERSUS THE NERF GUN
by GeodesicDragon
"It's here!"
Taking the parcel from the mailmare, the pegasus stallion slammed the door in her face and began dancing around the room eagerly.
"It's here, it's here, it's here!" he squealed in delight. "Finally, after so many weeks of waiting, I now have my new Nerf gun!" Tearing off the packaging, the stallion opened the box to reveal the contents — a plastic gun with a magazine and bipod attached. Holding the weapon tightly the stallion swept across the room, aiming at nothing in particular. "Soon, everypony in Ponyville will come to know – and fear – the mighty Eight Bit!"
He cackled maniacally for a moment, his attention soon drawn towards an urgent knocking on his door. Putting the gun down, Eight Bit trotted over and opened it to find Derpy still standing on his doorstep — and wearing an uncharacteristic frown.
"Two things," she said flatly. "First of all, you need to sign for that parcel. Secondly, you hit me in the face when you slammed the door on me like that." She thrust a clipboard into Eight Bit's hooves, tapping the bottom of it. "Sign here."
Eight Bit scribbled his signature on the paperwork. "Sorry, Derpy, I guess I got overexcited." he chuckled nervously and passed her a few coins. "Here, get yourself some muffins — my way of apologising for being so rude."
Derpy's expression softened, and she took the bits with her usual smile plastered on her face. "Apology accepted," she replied. "Have fun trying to make everypony fear you, Eight." She giggled, taking to the sky and flying haphazardly to her next delivery.
Eight Bit rolled his eyes as he walked over to his Nerf gun and picked it up. Checking that it was loaded, he held it to his chest and cocked it. "All right," he said. "Let's do this."
He left his house, closing the door behind him, and then dived into a nearby bush. He moved the leaves aside, his eyes scanning the area for potential targets — and it wasn't long before he found one.
A unicorn stallion was walking down the street towards Eight's hiding place, chatting amiably to a pegasus mare who was walking alongside him with a wing draped over his back.
"Doctor Haywick, I presume?" Eight Bit said to himself. "Sorry, Doc, but you will be the first to feel my wrath. As for Fluttershy... well, I had hoped to avoid dragging her into this — but then I remember that, in war, collateral damage is often unavoidable." He brought the gun up, putting Haywick in his sights. "Bang."
He pulled the trigger — and then cried out in pain as the dart bounced off the branches of the bush and hit him between the eyes. He leapt out of his hiding place, curses of every kind escaping his lips, clutching a hoof to his eyes as he hopped on the spot.
Haywick and Fluttershy, although still slightly shocked at Eight Bit's sudden appearance, stood by silently as they watched his impromptu dance routine.
"It would seem that Eight Bit's clumsiness strikes again," Haywick mused, as he tapped Fluttershy on the back. "Come on, we'd better tell the others that he's got a new Nerf gun."
"Shouldn't we, um, help him first?" Fluttershy asked. "He looks like he's hurt himself. But, uh, I'm not a doctor like you are."
"He's fine," Haywick said quickly. "I can't see any obvious signs of injury from here, so he's probably just overreacting." He turned around and started to trot away. "Come, we must hurry."
"O-okay," Fluttershy replied. "I-if you say that he's okay, then I'll believe you." She quickly followed behind as the two left the area.
Meanwhile, Eight Bit had stopped cursing and jumping around. He rubbed his eyes tenderly and then reached a forehoof into the bush, grabbing his gun. He reloaded the dart he had fired and looked around, ignoring the few ponies still stifling laughter at the display they had just witnessed.
"Damn," he groaned. "Haywick got away. Still, no matter, I have plenty of other targets to choose from — though it would appear as though I need another hiding place..."
With those words, he took to the sky.
***
A while later, Eight Bit found a good hiding place atop Town Hall. From here, he had a good view of the marketplace — as well as a whole plethora of targets to choose from.
"Okay," he said. "I'm going to pretend that embarrassing incident earlier didn't actually happen. I just need to concentrate, and then I will show everypony who the true master of Ponyville is."
He looked out over the area, his eyes soon coming to rest on a deer who was coming out of Sugarcube Corner with a bag on his back and a large smile on his face. He stood still and sniffed the air, a small tendril of drool on his lower lip.
"Sweet Tale." Eight Bit glared at him. "I see you've bought all of the raspberry turnovers and pink wafers again. Well, I'll soon fix that."
He lined up his shot, aiming at the strap holding the bag on Sweet Tale's back, and pulled the trigger.
The dart left the barrel and careened towards Sweet Tale, who began walking again, much to Eight Bit's chagrin. "Damn it!" he shouted. "I thought for sure that was going to— wait, what's happening with the dart?"
He watched silently as the dart flew through the area where Sweet Tale had been standing, hit a plant pot, bounced off somepony's gutters, rebounded off the Apple family's stall, and then flew up into the air and out of sight.
"Well then," Eight Bit said. "That's certainly not the strangest thing I've ever seen — but it definitely comes close." He loaded another dart and looked through the sight of the gun. "Okay, Sweet Tale was a bust... so who's next?"
A sudden stinging sensation on his flank caused him to yelp with fright, the gun flying out of his hooves and landing in a muddy puddle below his hiding spot. Looking around, he saw a dart lying in the gutter next to him.
"What?!" he blinked a couple of times. "It can't be..." He bared his teeth and snarled, snatching the dart up and getting to all four hooves before raising his voice. "Shooting myself once was just unlucky — shooting myself twice should be statistically impossible!"
Descending to ground level, Eight Bit grabbed his gun from the puddle. He shook it vigorously, flecks of mud landing on his coat, and wiped the weapon down with a wad of leaves. He sighed as he noticed the small group of ponies watching him, cursing under his breath that his cover had been blown again.
"I'll try one more time," he muttered. "But I'm seriously beginning to think that this just isn't worth it at all."
He opened his wings, taking to the sky once more.
***
"This stinks," Eight Bit muttered, scanning the ground below him. "I can't find any suitable vantage points!" He growled. "Not that it matters now, I suppose — everypony in town probably knows about what I am trying to do anyway." He paused for a moment, then let out a heavy sigh. "Ah, whatever, I give up."
He glided back to ground level, landing softly on a grassy plain outside of Ponyville, then took the Nerf gun off his back and glared at it. "A fat lot of good you were to me, you piece of manure," he snarled. "I spent all of that money, and for what? I'm probably the laughing stock of the whole town by now!"
He threw the gun behind him, listening as it landed with a rough thud in the grass — then screamed in fury as the force of the impact fired another dart into his flank.
"Celestia damn it all to Tartarus!" he bellowed, walking over to where the gun lay and stomping on it. "Yeah... suck on that, you evil spawn of Discord!" He turned around and looked up to the sky. "All right, Fate, I get it! I will never use another Nerf gun for as long as I live, are you happy now?!"
Muttering under his breath, Eight Bit took to the sky once more and returned to Ponyville — his anger blinding him to the unicorn mare who was hiding in a nearby tree.
With her bright blue fur and striking blonde mane, the mare stood out amongst the green foliage. She let out a sigh of relief and extricated herself from her hiding spot, patting herself on the back.
"Pencil Sharpener, you are such a magnificent genius!" she said to herself. "I knew that if I messed with him enough, he would give up on his silly little game."
With those words, she blew at her horn and grinned — before trotting back towards Ponyville whistling a jaunty tune.
