6 Friends and Luck (New Version)

by Vespi

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 85777

Vespi was just a normal kid, now he is a whole different type of person

A redone version of a great story for an even greater audience. Also longer ;)
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"When life throws you a curve ball, you get hit by a car" -Unknown

Meet Michael Vespa, better known as "Vespi". He and his friends live the average teenager life in new Jersey. But one fateful afternoon he and his 5 friends lives are changed forever. They will have to adapt to the new world and grow up before the time. Will they change? Probably not.

A light-hearted story full of friendship, comedy, romance, and reasons to go to college.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-23 16:03:03 UTC

Waking up

You ever wake up hearing muffled screams? You ever wake up not knowing where you are or what happened? You ever wake up wondering what happened after you probably just died? Welcome to my scenario.

I woke up with one hell of a head ache. I couldn’t focus still and my vision was blurry. I was lying face first on what felt like wooden planks with a white blob in front of me. It wasn’t before long I heard an unnaturally scared conversation going on in front of me.

“This is fucked up man what the hell is going on!?” I instantly recognized the other voice as none other than Dan’s.

“Relax Dan we’ll figure this out… just give me some time” I recognized the second voice as Mike’s. So I guess I’m not dead…or am i?

“God dammit Mike do you see the SHIT you caused!? How’d we even end up down there!? We were looking for Ojay in the woods! Why!? BECAUSE OF YOU!”

“Dan calm down let’s figure this all-out, besides it was Nico who lost his dog.”

“IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO GO TO AGINCOURT MANOR!”

I finally began to concentrate my vision, only to be in the middle of an illusion or something. In front of me was Mike but as a white unicorn, did I banging my head and fuck my brain up?

“You okay Vespi?” Dan asked; I turned to him but instead of seeing the blond hair kid I knew I saw a light blue pony with magic wings.

“What happened” I asked “WHY THE FUCK AM I A PONY!?” I began to hyper ventilate, nothing made sense! I’m dreaming right…RIGHT?

I was stunned to see hooves instead of hands. I was a green pony alright… but I felt something strange on my back that was weighing me down, not a lot but still an appreciable difference. They were wings; I unfurled them (It was surprisingly easy) and tried to take off. Sadly I realized I was in a cabin and hit my head on the roof. I ended up crashing into the wall and almost knocked myself out.

“Easy there Vespi” Mike warned “Let’s figure this all out.”

Mike motioned to a 2 perpendicular green couches with my friends all sitting down on them.

Dan still had his long yellow hair; his hair nonetheless was a little shorter than before, 1 amazing thing I instantly noticed. Dan had wings, wings on ponies (Having wings makes you feel like a boss by the way)! His coloring was a dark blue body coat with his blond tail and mane. It reminded me of that French sign of royalty (The Fleur De Lis I believe, then again I’m Italian). His eyes were still the pure blue German eyes that I have known. But instead of childish delight and light-hardiness there was an acute sense of fear and shock formed in his eyes. He wasn’t having a breakdown or anything but he was still shocked. Wouldn’t you?

Tyler sadly didn't have wings. His color was a sprightly yellow, and his mane (Although his normal hair was blond like Dan’s) was black like mine. He also had an eye color change, his eyes were normally blue, but now they were hazel. This had to be the first time I have EVER seen Tyler concerned, he tried his best to fight it but it was apparent that he was on his heels…hooves…do hooves have heels? Anyways, Tyler was on high alert.

Nico, like Dan had wings, must be an alpha jock thing (Me being a freak of nature then)? He also had a lighter shade of blue then Dan’s. His mane was a strange combination of red and orange and black. His wings also as it seems were somewhat stronger then Dan's. Well if I can see it without him showing it I guess Nico would become a pretty dam good flier. Nico’s eyes still remained chocolate brown, and he looked surprisingly unshaken.

Conor looked surprisingly like his old self, minus the freckles. His mane and tail was its normal black but his body color was tan. Conor as you may have guessed was off the walls right now, I can't figure out if it was because of fear, or the trill of adventure, or he just had to take a piss. I have the odd feeling if we opened the door, he’d end up running in circle like a dog chasing a squirrel. Conor is, after all, usually hyper, now he just has a reason to be extra hyper.

I couldn't help but laugh at Mike. His body color was white, and his main/tail was orange (opposite of what Mike Hoppe looked like before). That wasn't the only thing though. Unlike the rest of us, Mike had a horn! Swaggin Mike was now a unicorn, nice. Apparently Mike was our sole unicorn as well. I was curious, could Mike learn magic? Could he come up with a spell to get us back home? O wait, it’s Mike…never mind.

“So what is going on?” I asked. I had a chance to look around the cabin though; it was a very rustic cabin with log walls and crude wooden plank flooring. The two green couches, a coffee table, a mirror on the opposite side of the room, and a ugly looking rug seem to be the only furniture.

“No clue” Tyler said “We woke up like this in this cabin here.”

I gave an absent minded nod and waltzed over to the nearby mirror; I wanted to take a closer look at myself.

I was a green pony with short, spiky black hair. I had a pair of green wings and a… tramp stamp. Besides the tattoo on my ass the only other surprising thing was I now had silky blue eyes instead of chocolate brown eyes.

“So why do you have a tramp stamp?” Mike observed

“Why do you have a horn?” I responded. Mike grabbed his foehead and gasped

“That’s a horn? I thought it was a tumor” Mike said relieved

“It is called a cutie mark” A mysterious voice said. The voice was distorted. It gave a hint of dozens of voices but 3 seemed to stand out, it seemed to be a mixture of a man’s voice, a women’s voice and a child’s voice. The three voices almost intertwined to form a indescribable combo, I had a fear that a machine wasn’t doing it too.

“I’m pretty sure it’s a tramp stamp” I said

“No in this world a cutie mark is something that describes a pony’s personality, lifestyle, and destiny in life.” It (I’ll call whoever the fuck our good fellow over here a ‘it’ since I don’t have any clue how to describe it) said “I believe your cutie marks fit you all very well…”

“But mines just a V” I said

“You’re good at being yourself…” It said

“Mines a Danish…” Nico said plaintively

“Because you’re………like a Danish?”

“I’m German” Nico said. Just like that the Danish on Nico’s side turned into a swastika. That was our first hint, it seemed to know about human history, but if we are in this world….how’d it get here?

“No actually fuck you just make it a…raven…” Nico said infuriated

The cutie mark turned into a black raven symbol. It looked oddly familiar, like the Call of Duty World at War style black raven (Yes a historical symbol reminds me of a video game, welcome to the 21st century).

“Good enough” Nico snapped “So explain to us what is going on.”

“Seems simple enough” It said “You are in a different world.”

“Okay can we go home now?” I asked

“No!” It snapped “You have a mission!”

“What’s our mission?” I asked

“This doesn’t sound good…” Mike observed

“Follow the map” It said. I was about to question the voice but out of the blue a small map appeared laying right on the floor in front of me. It was a map of the world it seems. There was a red X that said “You are here” and a map of the country including cities. There were a lot of them, then I noticed the key said that this “Equestria” was a little larger than the United States.

“Can we get some information on this world or something?” Conor asked

“Here is a book” It said. A book poofed out of midair, what was that!?

I looked at the book and picked it up. It was labeled “The Equestrian Encyclopedia for all things Equestrian”.

“I assume we live in this place called Equestria?” Mike said

“Yes” It said” There is a town not too far away from here, I’d go there first”

“How far away exactly?” Mike asked

“Turn to page 178. There is a map of Equestria.” It said “You are on the western coast near a place called Fillycolly”

I saw a small dot named “Fillycolly” on the books map. But I was soon stunned to see the dozens of other dots on the western coast of this country alone… knowing that one person having both of our maps would end up disastrous, so I chose to hold onto the first map.

“Where is the capital?” Mike asked randomly

“On the eastern coast, right below Canterlot.”

I looked at the eastern coast and saw a star labeled “Canterlot”, under it some lengths was a much smaller dot called “Ponyville”.

“Jesus Christ that is a long way…” I said with a low whistle.

“We got to get going” I said “Where’s the nearest town?”

“Fillycolly is a good 30 miles from here, north west.” It stated “You might need to camp outside.”

“Great I love an adventure, even as a horse.” I said energetically. Things (Although considerately fucked up) seemed to be too light hearted to be dangerous or perilous. I mean we were ponies! Colorful ponies!

“I’d get going if I were you” It said “Good luck; and if you believe in life then I’d hold onto that book. Here take a saddle pack.”

A “Saddle pack” appeared out of nowhere. Nico grabbed it and placed in on his back and put the book in the largest compartment. I knew that this was going against my earlier hypothesis but I didn’t have anywhere to put the map, so I put it in the other compartment of Nico’s saddle pack.

“Good luck friends, and let luck be with you” It said.

We walked outside of the house into the forest. It was already dark (I would predict it was like 7 o’clock PM) and it was a surprisingly perfect equinox of wind, temperature, and scenery. To the left of the small cabin was a pure blue lake and in front of us was a meandering path, on both sides were thick trees of beautiful green leaves and brown trunks. The temperature was kind of breezy and somewhat neutral. It would have been in the 60s if it wasn’t for the light gusty blows of wind that came and went. It was the perfect blend of the elements to form a perfect night for adventuring.

“Okay let’s get rolling” I said. We began our trek through the forest. On the way we talked about what was going on, the talk at first was just us trying to make jokes and to keep the other 5s spirits up. But we eventually got to more productive conversation.

“So let’s make a timeline” Nico suggested “First we go to Agincourt Marshal, thanks to Mike”

“Not all my fault” Mike protested

“Then we are attacked, and now we are ponies, and now we are unsupervised going to the other side of the country.”

“Something just seems weird…” I said “Why us? Why Agincourt Manor? I mean, what, is that place haunted or something? Is that thing before that attacker?”

Mike stopped for a moment “I don’t know”

“Okay then…” Tyler said “So were ponies huh?”

“Pretty much; that just leaves one big question. Do ponies here like have different words for like boy and girl?”

“Let me check” Nico said; flipping through the pages of the book while walking “Yep. Boy is a colt, girl is a filly, man is a stallion, a woman is a mare, ass is a flank, person is pony, and everyone/anyone is everypony/anypony.”

“Great, we got to be careful though” I said “God knows what these ponies would do if they found out we were from a different world.”

“Maybe we’d be pimp daddy rock stars?” Mike suggested

“Or dead” Nico said in a doleful manner.

We continued to walk for what was about 3 hours. We finally gave in to tiredness and found an opening to sleep in. We found a comfortable plain and set up camp there, if we were a little smarter we would have made a fire, but since our first attempt almost burned the entire forest down, we ended up content with no fire and a ton of soot.

“Okay guys so I think we still have some ways to go tomorrow… but we’ll be there by lunch I think.” Nico announced

I wasn’t listening though; all I could think about was falling asleep and waking up back in Jersey, back as a human.

This had to be a dream

It was a dream

First Contact (Shed.mov)

“Vespi wake up man!” I heard Mike say hastily. I got up half drowsy and half asleep.

“What is it?” I asked

“We found a pony” Mike said. I was up in an instant; it was as if I had cocaine, sugar, and caffeine while watching a Die Atzen music video (If you don’t get it just think of lots of flashing lights and German people).

I got up from my position and saw a luminous light near the tree line on the edge of the field we had encamped in. I trotted over to see Nico, Tyler, Conor and Dan standing near a small covered wagon driven by a light blue unicorn pony wearing a cape and a wizard hat.

“Who are you plebian ponies!? You robbers shouldn’t come near the Great and Magnificent Trixie!” She warned. From the carriage I saw the first native pony of all time. She was light blue and had white hair, on her head was a wizard’s hat covered with lights and other designs, around her neck was a cape with a similar design.

“Relax we aren’t robbers” Mike said “We are just traveling to Fillycolly”

The Great and Magnificent Trixie gave a nod “I see; perhaps The Great and Magnificent Trixie can show her benevolence and help you. But it will cost you”

“How much to Fillycolly?” I asked

“100 bits” The Great and Magnificent Trixie said

“How about 10 bits” I suggested. Frankly we didn’t have any bits; perhaps we could just kill her and take her wagon.

“90 bits” The Great and Magnificent Trixie bargained

“50” Nico said

“Nico we don’t have 50 bits” I said in a hushed whisper, to prevent the Great and Magnificent Trixie to hear us. I then noticed, peaking out of one of the small side compartments in his saddle pack, was a small saggy bag.

“Perhaps 100 bits” The Great and Magnificent Trixie said

“You said 90 bits before retard…” I observed

“Perhaps I retract my offer” The Great and Magnificent Trixie said “Good day”

“It’s night” Tyler said

The Great and Magnificent Trixie prepared to leave us in the dirt of the trail before I concocted an idea.

“Wait!” I shouted “50 bits and this small foal!” I pointed towards Conor, picking him up and showing him to the Great and Magnificent Trixie. Obviously he was not amused.

Nonetheless The Great and Magnificent Trixie continued on and left us where we stood.

“Well that was a waste of time…” Dan complained

“I guess we should keep walking” I suggested. It would have been nice to have an actual 8 hour sleep but now I felt like it would be impossible to get back to sleep.

“Might as well” Nico said

We followed the trail through the woods to hopefully would be Fillycolly. The entire forest looked the same as the old forest from Earth. It was green…and brown…and green.

“O my god…” Tyler said shocked “SQUIRREL!”

I looked down farther on the path to see a small squirrel hopping along. For some apparent reason Tyler had a strange infatuation with all things doing with squirrels, I think it’s mainly to piss off any teacher that talks about animal life. Last year on his birthday we put two squirrels in his locker, when he opened his locker they jumped out and mauled him. I wonder if Tyler still hates me for that…

Tyler began to gallop after the squirrel before stopping at a halt. I listened for a quick moment to hear 2 voices chatting in the distance.

We all stealthily trotted up near a bush. In a small opening surrounded by trees were two little foal, a little younger than us. They had their cutie marks (I had read a little bit of that encyclopedia, an average pony gets their cutie mark right before puberty would begin) but were not full grown. On further inspection it was a young colt and filly.

“I really like you Sunny Days” The little colt said with a little awkward smile

“I really like you too Silver Spirit” Sunny Days said (Dawwwwww)

The two looked at each other for a minute before slowly moving towards each other, about to kiss. Mike on the other hand was an expert cock blocker, waited patiently and chose to reveal himself,

“Hey uh Foal!” He shouted from the bush “Which way is Fillycolly?”

The little filly turned her head and gave out a little surprised shriek, the little colt on the other hand was more displeased then actually scared.

“Just go down that trail; but there is an evil monster that lives there!” He warned

“Relax colt I got it” Mike said confidently “You go do whatever you were about to do”

Mike dropped his head under the bush yet again. I was about to get up to head back onto the trail before I felt his hoof cup my shoulder, an order to stay.

I looked through the bush to see the two foal nestled by the camp fire.

“So where were we?” The colt asked. They went in for the kiss again; Mike popped his head back up.

“You said this way is I right?” He asked; pointing a hoof towards the trail.

“Yes can you please leave us alone now?” Silver Spirit pleaded

“Whatever” Mike said, once again he dropped his head down with a slight giggle. He waited a moment then popped his head up again…

“P LOTT IS GOING TO GET YOU!” Mike announced. It was still funny, although I doubt a pedophile vice principal was going to jump out and attack them though. Both of the foal on the other hand clearly didn’t get the joke.

“What?” Sunny Days said

“Nothing just forget about him” Silver Spirit said, discovering about the ruse.

“What did he mean?” The filly asked with a nervous expression on her face.

“Just never mind” Silver Spirit said with an aggravated frown

“I’m not really in the mood right now…” Sunny Days confessed.

Meanwhile behind the brush all of us were laughing our flanks off. Now that is how you do it!

“Okay guys let’s get to Fillycolly.” I said

“Lead the way” Mike said with a polite gesture. We continued down the trail with considerable haste. It wasn’t that we were tired but mainly we were anxious about getting to some sort of civilization. Did anyone know we were missing?

“Wait what the?” Mike asked. I turned around to see an aura of white magic encompassing his horn, a second later a letter popped out.

I lunged for it and yanked open the envelope. I frowned; Marshal had the shittiest handwriting known to man. WAIT WHAT? How did Marshal get here? Was he alone? Sadly I could only decipher:

Mike….Marshal I’m In Ponyville………..unite…………..meet you at……………..at the Statue of Friendship…………………please stay alive…………………..seriously…………Sam with me…………A……………………..turnip……………… shit so crazy

-Marshal

“Let me see” Nico said; snatching the letter from my hand “What is the Statue of Friendship?”

“I don’t know” I said “We’ll look it up in the encyclopedia when we get to Fillycolly. Let’s just focus on getting there first.”

“Fine” Everyone agreed in unison

We continued down the trail for some time before we saw a cottage in the distance. Were we at Fillycolly?

I dismissed the idea sadly. It was just a lonesome cottage on the trail, not the town itself. Out in front of the comely cottage was a timid looking yellow pegasus.

The small little pegasus out front had not seen us yet. She was using a broom to sweep her front porch, to her side was a small miniature bunny.

“Don’t scare her” Nico warned. I turned around to see Mike walking right up to her, I wasn’t good at faces but I had the strange feeling this one would flip the shit easily.

“Sup babe” Mike said, my guess proved correct

“HEY HEY HEY STAY OUT OF MY SHED” The pegasus turned around, I was horrified. The pony had hideous eyes, massive white orbs that showed insanity. Her mouth was warped into a sadistic smile. Her voice sounded like…a retarded black guy with peanut butter in his mouth.

Mike must of seen the horror too, he instantly threw out a hoof and knocked the small pony out.

“Was that necessary?” I asked, I knew she looked mentally ill, but couldn’t she arrest us now?

“Bro…” Nico said in utter amazement of Mike’s stupidity

“Let’s loot her house!” Tyler said running inside with Mike and Dan. Great now we can get charged with assault and breaking an entry.

“Well why not!” I said; succumbing to peer pressure.

I had to admit the cottage was very nice. It looked a lot like your normal Human house. Couch, bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, and outside in the back was a small chicken coop with a couple chickens meandering around.

While I was there I took the closest thing that resembled a Mountain Dew in her fridge (Something called Saxtonade. Actually tasted like red bull and gunpowder) and sat down at her couch.

I randomly looked outside to shit a brick; I didn’t see the yellow pony! Where’d she go?

“O shit guys she’s awake!” I alerted my friends. I ran for the stairs only to feel a bludgeon hit my head and cause me to drop down on the hard floor.

“I said stay out of my shed!” She hissed in a threatening voice. I felt the world go black and my body begins to be dragged.

I woke up, my hooves tied down to a red velvet chair in what seemed to be the basement. The walls were lined with massive amounts of animal cruelty. Animals, birds, bunnies, raccoons, and even some deer were nailed to the wall. There insides torn open revealing their organs. The PTA would be soooo pissed right now if they knew about this. To my side was a large crater in the basement.

“Tyler? Mike? Nico? Conor?” I called out

No response

“Dan?”

There was a response this time

“VESPI GET OUT!” I heard Mike scream

“I’m already tied to a chair dipshit” I said plainly.

The culprit (I assumed it was the yellow pegasus) was nowhere to be seen, but what I did see was a small little white face laughing at me through a window high on the wall to my left. It was little Silver Spirit.

“HELP!” I screamed at the top of my lungs “I AM STUCK”

Sadly the little colt didn’t hear me or didn’t give a dam. He stopped laughing and left my line of sight.

“O your awake!” I heard an excited voice squeal. I turned around to see the little yellow pegasus standing in front of me with a smiley expression on her face.

“What is going on?” I questioned

“Relax…it’ll be over soon” She said. I was about to pursue but I felt an acute pain flood my hoof. I looked down to see a small cut on the top of my shoulder hoof (Whatever you’d like to call it). It wasn’t a deep cut but it still caused a small amount of blood to drip from my shoulder.

“Jesus Christ nigga you be tripping!” I shouted in confusion.

“O relax” The pegasus said in a reassuring manner “It isn’t going to be all bad”

“Hey uh Vespi, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” I heard Mike questioned in a suspicious voice, apparently he must of heard my “meep” sound from the cut.

“How does that feel?” She asked, cutting my shoulder again this time deeper.

“Vespi what is going on?” Nico asked

“I…don’t…really…know” I said.

The next thing I know there is the little pegasus in front of me with a bloody chainsaw. Not bloody as in bloody but bloody as in dipped in blood.

“Okay uh I’d prefer not…” I murmured quietly.

I had the feeling that what happened next is basically a cluster fuck of illogical crap

…

I began to sweat… our little friend yanked the little rope thing and started it up.

I didn’t really know what to do in this circumstance, so I just began to babble, pleading for my life.

“I told you to stay out of my shed!” She hissed in a lunatic’s voice

“Shed.mov”

I looked towards the door behind the small yellow pegasus. There stood a juggernaut, waving a m60. Through the translucent visor I saw a stupid smile and brown wavy Justin Bieber hair.

“Ayan!” I shouted “Thank god help me man!” Ayan is what we would call semi-retarded. He has wavy brown hair and a common stupid smile. He is one of those guys that just doesn’t seem to be naturally smart.

“Wait Ayan is here?” My friends questioned. I just realized they couldn’t see anything (Mainly because they were in a hole in the middle of the basement).

“What do you say?” He asked with a dumb grin

“Fucks sake please help me bro she is going to kill me!” I shouted. Just then the little pegasus picked up the rotating chainsaw like a battle axe and prepared to drop it down on me.

I closed my eyes shut and heard a fusillade of explosions. I opened them to see the little pegasus drop to the floor, the chainsaw falling on top of her and turning her into salsa.

“Thank god Ayan you saved my ass!” I said with a chuckle.

“No problem bud” Ayan said with a smile “What are you guys doing here?”

“What are you doing here Ayan!?” I heard Nico questioned. I allowed Ayan to free me from the cage and looked out into the hole in the ground. My friends finally realized they could just climb out of the hole (As you know they are all geniuses).

“Okay let’s just…forget this ever happened and get to Fillycolly before some more weird shit happens” I suggested. I looked on my shoulder, fortunately it had stopped bleeding.

“Okay lead the way guys” Ayan said “I got this gun!”

“Okay Harrison we will not need to walk around with an m60 anymore” Tyler said

“Relax it isn’t like I am going to hurt myself! See the safety is on! Here Mike try and shoot me” Ayan said with a pompous grin.

Ayan tossed Mike the hefty looking M60. Mike looked down at the gun, then to Ayan, then back at the gun and squeezed the trigger at Ayan. I blinked my eyes only to find Mike sprawled back on the ground and Ayan on the floor dead.

“O wait…the safety WASN’T on” Mike observed “You see there is the little switch, when it is on safety it is like this but when it isn’t on-O SHIT MONKEY BALLS” Apparently Mike just recognized Ayan’s dying body on the floor.

“Okay here is what we are going to do, make it look like a murder suicide.” Dan said

After 2 hours of tough work we finally left the shed and its memories behind us and continued to Fillycolly. It was already perhaps 4 A.M. and the sun was finally rising over the forest.

We finally saw several houses in a valley on the horizon. We were finally there.

“So that never happened” Conor said

“Eyup”

And not a single fuck was given that day

Equestrian History 101

I woke up in the Fillycolly Inn surprisingly well rested and sane. I got up from the small cozy bed and took a moment to look out into the quaint little village. The Inn was a small building made out of wood and straw (For roofing) like all the others, it also had the same view with its windows jetting out into the street. From the window I could see a small throng of ponies already out doing their daily work.

I stretched a wee bit and waltzed down the stairs into the lobby which also served as the diner. Sitting there in 5 chairs were my 5 friends Mike, Dan, Conor, Nico, and Tyler.

“O hey Vespi” Mike said “Good night’s sleep?”

“Surprisingly good” I said with a good-cheer smile.

“So…” Tyler began. I noticed he was eyeing the inn keeper who was busy doing something nearby. Tyler waited a moment until she finished her tedious labor and walked into the other room. Just like a bullet coming out of a gun, Tyler shot off the question.

“What do we do now?”

“I guess we need to get to that Statue of Friendship” I said “But we obviously don’t know where that was. I guess we have to hit the library and gather as much information as possible…and sort out some other things.”

Everyone gave an understanding nod

“Okay should we leave right now?” Nico asked

“I haven’t eaten yet…” I stated. I then noticed an untouched English Muffin sitting on a bundle of napkins on the precipice of the table.

“Take it with you, you can eat it in the library” Nico said

“Thanks!” I said, after a night of adventuring I was starving.

We left a couple bits (Apparently a bit is something like a dollar roughly) as a tip and headed towards the library. We all knew that contact with any pony was far from wanted. Most of us at this point have realized that ponies and humans have different ideas in the name business.

We found the library, which was a large building in the center of the small town with relative ease. We walked inside and found a quiet corner, all sides covered by walls of books, hiding us from unwanted attention, and sat down.

“Okay so first off we are going to need pony names…” I suggested

“Okay…“ Dan said “Let’s get started with that first”

Finding names first off was a pain in the flank, finding names that matched our cutie marks would be 10xs harder. Mine was relatively easy and everyone agreed on “Vespi” as my name (As Vespi had become my official name lately, instead of Michael). I wasn’t really sure how people would respond to a human name, but it was worth a shot.

“I say Royce is a good name” I suggested

“Royce…Royce…Royce” Dan repeated a couple times, repeating the word over and over to see if it matched his tastes “Sounds good to me”

“Hitler? Seriously Mike you’re an asshole!” Nico said malevolently

“Well sorry for suggesting” Mike complained

“How about Hunter?” Dan asked “You look like a Hunter with your cutie mark”

Nico looked down at his cutie mark then back up at Dan “We’ve got a name”

“What kind of a name is Cinnamon Delight?” Conor asked wearily

“YOU’RE CINAMON DELIGHT OR I AM GOING TO HIT YOU!” Tyler shouted grabbing a nearby massive book, forgetting he was in a library.

“Yellow Ranger” Tyler asked inquisitively “Why not”

“I keep telling you my name is Eminem!” Mike shouted

“For fucks sake Mike that isn’t even a pony name!” I said

“Fine I’ll be Poninem” Mike said

“No”

“Slim Pony”

“No”

“50 Bit”

“No”

“Young pony”

“NO” I shouted

“Is everything all right over there?” A frail voice called out, it must be the librarian.

“We’re fine!” Tyler shouted

“No you can be…Vinyl…Mix!” I suggested in a hushed whisper. I was actually pleasantly surprised, that was an original name!

Mike gave a slight nod and smiled “Sounds okay”

After that first tedious hour the main goal for the day was to find as much stuff about Equestria as possible. Everything! We had to incorporate every little piece of knowledge about this planet if we wanted to live here effectively.

I took the job of history and was surprisingly interested in the topic. Equestria apparently had a direct monarchy by one Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia also seems to have a side kick, or sister, named Princess Luna, who had been sent to the moon for the last 1000 years (And I bitched about getting 2 detentions for blowing up a juice box).

Princess Celestia apparently rises to an unknown altitude every year and uses a magical spell to keep the sun in orbit. Before Princess Luna was banished she did the same thing with the moon. Now that Princess Luna is back, Princess Celestia gave the task of rising the moon back to her little sister.

Equestria had a very small army, the only armed forces was the ceremonial Royal Guard which only numbered in the thousands. Apparently the Equestrians never had any use for a large organized fighting force like the US Army, but instead conscripted ponies to fight for the crown in times of war. It also seems that Equestria also incorporates many specialist like mercenaries during war. The list seemed surprisingly long (So…I guess military secrets is common knowledge or something?) ranging from Zebra pulled chariots to Marabian Janissaries, to woodland long bowmen. Kind of reminds me of the ancient Romans, is that a bad thing?

Equestria is a surprisingly large country made of 90% ponies. Below Equestria was a country made of Zebras (Basically Mexico) and to the north were the Gryphon lands. History says (While the Zebras were commonly timid life forms) the Gryphons were constantly belligerent and pugnacious things, constantly trying to attack Equestria. That is why 600 years ago Princess Celestia built a massive mountain that blocked off all of Equestria from the Gryphon lands, all except for one small opening in the center of the wall at a place called “Silver Fall Outpost”. The Royal Guard is still stationed there and basically made it into a camper’s heaven (I’d love to set up a couple claymores and a mounted MG there).

I also learned that the Gryphon’s land is also very volatile and dangerous. The Gryphons lack a strong government like the Equestrians and power seems to drift in between the lazy ass king and various war lords who fought for regions of the country, it was basically Afghanistan minus the guns (Note to self: Gryphons + ? = profit?).

Zebras seemed to also lack the strong government of Equestria but due to their passive nature they do not have the insecurity of their northern friend. Zebra’s tend to not have many cities but rather just small tribes working in the country for food, which was plentiful in some areas and sparse in others. Even after all the competition for food Zebras tend to be nice and seem to also be slowly migrating into Equestria (Might become a border guard, like Tyler’s uncle).

After reading the book conveniently named “Gryphons and Zebras, everything you need to know about something you’ll probably never meet” I found myself learning more about Equestria.

Equestria was basically a lot like America. There was very little crime (Apparently Manehattan and Fillydelphia were the main sources of crime) and the strong central government aloud a lot of freedom. I also learned that the Statue of Friendship was in Manehattan, it’s a go time.

“Hey Mike” I shouted out, Mike was the closest too me, reading a book about magic on a couch “Found something about the Statue of Friendship!”

“Dammit Vespi I almost had it!” Mike said “I’m trying to learn how to send letters to Marshal and Sam. Hang on I think I got it…” There was a pause of silence, an aura of light coursed through Mike’s horn and shot out the end, causing the letter to disappear.

“Yes I got it!” Mike said with a massive smile “Now we just got to wait for a response!”

We waited for perhaps 5 minutes, I trotted back to my station to my book just in time to hear Mike call me over again.

“Here read this, I think it’s from Sam because I can read it” Mike said. I took the letter from his hoof and began to read it, it was from Sam alright.

Dear Mike

MIKE WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GETS ME INTO THIS!? WE ARE PONIES NOW YOU N00B! Okay sorry had to get that out of the way. Listen Mike we got your last letter and we are going to meet you at the Statue of Friendship in Manehattan, okay? Is anyone else here with you? BAM BAM BAM BLUH BA BLUH BA BLUHIDI BLU sorry Skrillex dropped the base and DUM DUM DUNM DUNM DOPPTIDO DOPPALOOP WOAAAAAAA shit did I write that? Sorry but like I said Manehattan statue of Friendship see you there WAP BLAM BLAM DU DUPTI DOPIDITO

-Sam

“It’s from Sam alright, only he would be gay enough to put the drops in it” I chuckled to myself “Let’s get the guys and get going”

All 6 of us headed towards the front of the library to plan what happens next.

“Should we start going now or do something else before we leave?” I asked

“Let’s go get some supplies before we leave” Nico suggested “I got some spare bits left over; we’ll need food anyways if we are going on foot- I mean hoof”

“Lead the way Hunter” Mike said

“Never say that again…” Nico said flatly, we all shared an old fashion laugh.

We found the general store in the town (It was hidden with the name as “General Store” to throw us off course) and walked inside. Behind a counter was an elderly looking stallion with a pair of massive glasses.

“How can I help you whippersnappers?” He asked

“Um yea, we need some food for the road…and some saddle packs… and a weapon…we need a map of the region…and a let’s see… how about some hats? Hats make everything better right?”

The elderly pony gave us a nod “Sounds good to me , for that here weapon how does this here crossbow sound?”

He pointed to a stainless steel crossbow, it had red tiger camo. It hit me, without the development of one technology a domino effect causes. Equestrians never needed planes since Pegasus can fly, so they don’t have cars either. Since unicorns have magic they might have never needed guns, so instead of firing a gun we need to learn how to use a damn crossbow.

“Boss” I stated “Boss weapon is boss”

“Great to hear colt! What do you want for a hat?” He asked happily

“How about a hunter hat?” Nico asked

The stallion walked into a back room for a moment and came out with an Australian hat; there were some crocodile teeth on the side.

“Perfect, also we need 5 saddle packs” I said

“Great do you want them to have your cutie marks on them? I can do it lickedy split” He asked

I looked back at my friends, who all gave nods “Sure why no would that cost extra?”

“A bit extra for each” The elderly store clerk said “He walked back into the back room again and came out with 5 saddle packs, 1 with a V on the side (mine), 1 with a lightning bolt (Dan’s), 1 with a medal on it (Tyler’s), 1 with a pair of head phones (Mike’s), 1 with a brownie on it (Conor’s even though I’ve never seen him bake brownies).

“Great how much would this all be?” I asked

“Everything would be 418 bits” He said

“Dam I knew we should have looted that shed with the pegasus in it…” Nico muttered, I cringed

“Shoot you colts killed Butterfly Fluttercry? If you did that you can get all of this stuff for free! That monster has been evil since the day old scratch made her!” He said enthusiastically, so apparently murder is a good thing now…

“Okay…thanks” I said, quickly scooping up all the purchased goods and scurrying outside.

The next thing we got was food, which wasn’t funny at all…without Tyler.

We headed to the market (Not a open market with good goods, actually a super market) and bought some bread and some water, and a ton of soda (Ponspi and Saxtonade mostly) we were about to leave before Tyler got an idea.

“Watch this” Tyler said, he pulled out one of the shopping carts and jumped on it.

“Mike push me” Tyler ordered, Mike grabbed the shopping cart and began to run down the aisle pushing the cart.

“WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Tyler shouted, slamming into the backroom labeled “Employees only”

We ran off after him, running into the room.

Things got weird after that….

***

I took out the map and circled a small farming town 50 miles east of here as our objective. “Marington” was the name.

“Ready guys?” Mike asked

“Let’s get it done” Dan asked

Off to a new town and new adventure!

The return of Ayan

“I spy with my eye something that is…green!”

“A tree”

“I spy with my eye something that is orange!”

“A leaf”

“I spy with my eye something that is black!”

“My mane”

“I spy with my little eye something-“

“Okay this is beginning to suck ass” I complained. We were nearing ever closer to the farming community of Marington, but we still had a day of walking ahead. We were all bored and tired but had no will to lie down and rest.

Everything was dull and aggravating until we heard Mike curse in a hushed tone:

“Hey guys look at this!” He said, motioning towards a small opening in the forest. Inside this small opening was some sort of a car with two stallions standing right by it.

“So hey there” Tyler said. I turned around to see Tyler already casually trotting towards him. If Tyler had a perk I’d obvious be “Social Butterfly”.

“Well hello there fellow I’m Flim and this is Flam” one said, he was lanky and wore a barber hat and shirt. He had a flimsy looking mustache and red hair.

“AND WE ARE THE FLIM FLAM BROTHERS-“ I cringed, they were about to sing. I hated musicals; fortunately Mike was ahead of me.

“Sing and I am going to kick you in the dick!” He threatened. Both hushed up fast.

“Okay then how can we help you 6 fine gentlecolts today?” Flim asked

“Is this the way to Marington?” I asked. I was pretty sure it was the way, but getting a confirmation would be a huge relief.

“It sure is but believe me there isn’t much in Marington; Just a farm; why would you like to go to Marington anyways!?” Flam asked

I cursed, Marington and another town’s populations overlapped on the map, I thought the desolate town was the other one, I guess I was wrong.

“O we are heading across the country and we don’t have a car so we got to walk” I said

“Shame to hear that my good friend but I may have interesting news for you” He said. He immediately got my attention, then when I saw him turn to Mike and my interest was lost.

“Colt I couldn’t help but notice you have ugly orange hair that makes you look like a carrot!” He said

“Fuck you say to me PUNK” Mike said in a belligerent voice. The last time I heard that voice was when Mike would try and piss off his French Teacher Mr. Lleneve, good guy…for a Frenchmen.

“Well what if we told you we could magically turn that carrot orange hair into any type of hair you want!?” Flim asked

“Well…can you turn it black?” Mike asked

“For fucks sake stop trying to turn into Eminem!” I said

“Relax” Mike said quietly “So can you turn my orange hair into black hair?”

“Well of course son, say yes again and you will have luxurious black hair!” Flam said; aiming his unicorn at Mike

“Okay yes?” Mike asked

An aura of tan yellow light shot from Flam’s horn and hit Mike. The 2nd the magic aftermath subsided Mike had black hair.

“Thanks guys!” Mike said “Does it stay black?”

“You bet so! It will stay black through rain, snow, sleet and anything Mother Nature throws at you!” Flim said in a glib fashion.

“Now what?” I asked

“GET TO THE MAGIC TRAIN THING!” Mike shouted. Mike punched both unicorns at the same time and jumped on the train…thing. I instantly followed and we drove off before either of the Flim Flam brothers could respond.

“Wait so why’d we do that?” Nico asked

“Why wouldn’t we do that, I’m Vinyl Mix BITCHES” Mike said

“Okay then…anyone wants apple cider?” Tyler asked. I turned around to see Tyler with a mug of apple cider; I looked down into a hole in the floor to see a room filled to the rim with apple cider.

“Now I know why it is called the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6 Thousand” Conor stated

“No shit Sherlock” I said, I found a nearby mug and filled it with the apple cider. I gave a quick swig and let out a cough

“I think this stuff is alcoholic” I observed

“So what we’re all 21!” Nico said. I looked up towards Nico, as soon as i looked towards him his facial expression changed, he had done something wrong.

“What did you say?” I said with a suspicious gaze in my eye.

“I ummmm found these in the saddle pack” Nico said, pulling out a couple of laminated cards. I looked to see one labeled “Vespi” with a picture of me on it. All  the others had similar cards with their human first names on them.

“Cool” Tyler said, instantly refilling his cup.

“Wait why?” I asked “Why are we 21 all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know, was bored, also wanted to tell you your friend Harrison is apparently alive again.” It said, seriously?

“Wait what?” Mike asked

“Yea, look behind you” It giggled, it sounded more devious and maniacal then light-hearted, even though it must have been light-hearted.

I turned around to see a truck following us down the road, on a 50 Cal on the back was Ayan in his juggernaut suit.

“What the fuck! We killed him!” Dan screamed. This is what I would expect out of Harrison, we shoot him (By accident) and he somehow resurrects, finds a Humvee, and comes after us for some reason.

“I AM BACK!” Ayan screamed “I AM A GOD! GIVE ME ALL YOUR VIRGINS!”

I dropped my saddle pack on the ground and grabbed the red tiger crossbow. I stuffed a bolt down the barrel and aimed it at Ayan. It was difficult to get it in (Especially in the confusion at the moment) but after a little bit I got it in correctly and aimed straight for  the driver.

The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6 Thousand jumped over a small bump and the bolt went wide and hit the armor plating supporting the gun. Ayan fired off a round of 50. Cal ammo at us with devastating results, bullets caused the nearby trees to explode and one nearly clipped my wing.

I saw a flaming arrow wiz by my head and strike the person in the passenger seat (Who along with the driver and Ayan was a juggernaut) and cause him to drop dead. I turned around to see Nico with a bow and arrow.

“Where’d you get that?” I asked

“I remember it from Team Fortress 2, so I asked It to make me one” Nico said with a smile. I would have laughed if the rear tire didn’t explode.

“IT JUST GAVE IT TO YOU?” I questioned, I wasn’t angry or anything. But the fusillade of bullets and screeching rubber wasn’t helping.

“Mike keeps driving me and Nico will take care of Ayan!” I ordered. Mike gave me a quick salute and tried to keep the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6k on the road. I grabbed another bolt and fired yet again, but sadly another bump in the road caused me to shoot a nearby pigeon instead.

“Aim for the tires” Nico said. Fortunately lucks a bitch, and this time it wasn’t towards me. I couldn’t help but notice one of Ayan’s tires was coming undone (You know what type of car it is) and eventually it just fell off sending Ayan’s truck flying into the brush.

“CURSE YOU MICHAEL!” Ayan screamed as his armored vehicle drifted off the road and slammed straight into a mass of trees.

“Well that was….unexpected…” I muttered another thing I’d expect from Ayan. He almost gets us, then his Chinese Humvee breaks, and he dies….again.

“At leastly we are still on the road.” Mike said with a smile. Ayan was dead once again.

“Hey Nico is that Greek fire?” I asked, noticing a little vase of oil substance in it. The vase was labeled in a unknown language but distinguishable as Greek.

“Yup that was how I ignited the arrows” Nico said

“Okay just push it away from the cider…” I said

“Why?” Dan asked

“Because alcohol is flammable” I stated

“So it doesn’t ignite on fire!” Mike said

“No it does…”

“No flammable means it doesn’t ignite”

“Either way Alcohol and fire don’t mix”

“So what would you do if I just kicked this Greek fire into this apple cider? It isn’t going to ignite”

“I’d flip the shit”

“Really?”

“Yea really”

“I’m going to do it then”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously”

“Okay do it then” When it comes to trivial stuff like this, I expect a stupid conversation as such.

“You don’t think I won’t?”

“I don’t know do it”

“Fine I’m going to do it”

“Do it then”

“Do you really want me to?”

“Yea do it”

“Remember alcohol is flammable?”

“That is what I said you retard!”

“Fine last chance, do you want me to blow us all up?” Mike gave Dan the wheel and walked towards the Greek fire.

“For Christ’s sake don’t do it Mike!” Conor squealed

“Relax, I got this” Mike said. I didn’t think he was actually going to do it. But nonetheless Mike just casually kicked the fire into the flammable object. The next thing I know I’m in the air, in the distance is the exploded Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6k. All I am thinking is:

Mike, what. The. Fuck.

I hit the ground extremely hard. Everything just became a throbbing pain; I was beginning to black out. The last thing I see is Dan running up to me then waving his hand over his head to signal the others. Was I going to die? Was this the end? But before long I couldn’t think and the darkness consumed me.

This time I must have died…

Sorry for the short chapter, going to give you an extra long one next though!

-Vespi

The random day at the Farm

I was pretty sure I died, but somehow I awoke again laying on a couch.

“Shoot he’s awake” I heard a feminine voice mutter. I turned my head to see a young looking yellow mare with a cow boy hat looking at me.

I tried to barrel roll off the couch and onto my hooves but only ended up hitting my head against a nearby coffee table and blacking out again. The second time I woke up the mysterious mare was right above me, looking at me with a grin.

“You sure can get yourself hurt now can’t you?” She asked with a giggle

“That time it wasn’t my fault” I said, she extended a hoof and I grasped onto it, allowing her to pull me back up onto my hooves.

“Howdy, I’m Brandy” She said “We found you half dead on the trail over there, what happened?”

“Explosion” I said with a smile “My name is Vespi”

“Vespi you awake bro?” Dan called out. I looked over to see him lying on a couch, his body in one piece somehow.

“Where are the guys?” I questioned

“I don’t know” Dan said “I only found you then found this place”

I heard a terse, aggravated, grumpy grunt behind me. I turned around to see an old stallion looking at me with a pair of malevolent eyes.

“I assume you have a reason for what happened, my name is Whiskey Joe”

“Nice to meet you WJ” I said extending a hoof for a good old fashion hoof shake. Apparently Whiskey thought otherwise and stepped back a pace.

“Please don’t call me WJ ye little varmint. So care to explain to us why we found you dying on the trail?”

I cleared my throat “Was in an explosion with my friends… have you seen any other ponies?”

WJ shook his head “Nope, just you. I’d go find your little fellows then, Brandy! Go with these here colts and make sure they doesn’t hurt himself again”

Brandy gave a quick nod “Yes sir”

“And ye!” WJ said pointing a hoof in my direction “Take care of my daughter, ya hear?”

“I hear WJ” I taunted. Before the crabby old red neck could respond Brandy, Dan, and I dashed out the door.

Apparently This WJ and his daughter Brandy live on the farm in Marington. I didn’t really know what direction to go in, until I saw a piece of debris from the Super Squeezy whatever the fuck it was called laying on top of a once perfect white fence.

“What is that from?” Brandy asked curiously

“The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6 Thousand” I murmured “We were riding on it when there was an…unexpected explosion”

“Interesting back story” Brandy said

We followed the trail and discovered more and more debris from the once proud looking red train. The entire way my emotions were in a frenzy once again. Were my friends dead? Were thy alive? Why am I a pony? Is that a truffle or dog poo?

“So where are y’all from?” Brandy asked. I couldn’t help but feel surprised about the difference between Brandy and her father Whiskey Joe. Whiskey seemed like a 100% cracker like white trash. Brandy on the other hand a type of cowmare appeal to her, with her cowboy hat and wavy blond hair.

“O me, I’m from a little place called Ponyville? Me and my friends were actually going there right now” I lied. Well what the hell was I supposed to tell her? “O yea I’m actually from a different species huh huh”

“Interesting, me and ma pa have lived here for our entire lives, we are farmers by the way if you hadn’t noticed” Brandy said

“Who else lives in Marington?” I asked

“Vespi, they only live in Marington, it is almost abandoned” Dan explained

(Audio version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhGB7sd5Bjw)

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!” I screamed, I knew it wasn’t the most appropriate thing but you know, not a good thing when you’re trying to get to some sort of civilization.

“Interesting, o my god-“ Dan was going to continue the conversation a little bit more but I saw Mike and the others standing by a burnt out fire.

“Vespi we thought you’d die!” Mike said. I didn’t respond but rather just punched him in the face

“Okay…I deserve that one” Mike said with a wince

“What happened to you guys, how’d you survive?” I asked

“Luck, in fact you’re the only two who actually went flying like a cannon ball, the rest of us just barrel rolled out at the last second without telling you”

“Thanks” I said “Come on let’s get back before Whiskey Joe flips his shit”

I was relieved to see all my friends in one piece; Whiskey Joe on the other hand was not.

“What do y’all expect me to feed 6 more mouths because y’all just had an accident because y’all are too stupid to know fire from a heap of oil?” He said in a pugnacious voice

“I don’t know Y’ALL” Mike began to taunt “but Y’ALL better find a way so Y’ALL can feed us, Y’ALL”

Whiskey Joe gave a frown, I thought he would walk over and just pimp slap Mike right then and now.

“Fine follow me you 6, if you want some food you got to earn it”

The next thing I know I am given a cowboy hat and am pushed out into a field with my friends near a tractor and barked at like I was at Marine boot camp.

“So this is how you work the tractor…” WJ began

“Bro we know how to use a tractor, we’ll handle this” Mike said. WJ began to walk away and a sudden sense of doom fell on me; Mike was unsupervised with heavy machinery.

“Mike I think I should drive the tractor” I said

“Relax I’ve played Grand Theft Auto before, I got this” Mike said confidently. He pulled a gear and the tractor went steaming off towards the woods.

“O SHIT” Nico cursed, chasing after the tractor. Mike chose not to be responsible (As usual) and jumped out of the tractor just as it hit the trees and exploded into a massive firework display.

Just in time for WJ to walk out with some lemonade

“WHAT THE SAM HELL HAS YOU YUPPIES DONE!?” He screamed

There was a sullen silence…

“Sowwwwwwwwy” Mike said

Whiskey Joe was pissed off as hell but at leastly we would still get a couple days’ worth of food, but now we had to use a manual plow. Basically 1 of the 6 of us (He originally had 7 but he sold the 6 to buy a tractor) would attach it to ourselves and go across the field time and time again over and over again. It wasn’t fun, so what do we do? Make a game out of it.

“Alright so I dare you to run head first into that tree” Tyler dared

“Why would I do that?” I asked

“Do it or you have to pull the plow” Tyler said. I  gave a look of uncertainty then ran straight first into a massive oak tree; flopping around a little bit before getting back up and cursing, peer pressure and concussions all around!

“Okay Dan it’s your turn” I said “I dare you to eat those mysterious possibly poisonous berries”

Dan actually looked like he was going to give up, but he finally reluctantly walked over and ate a hoof full of berries, which would probably kill him sooner or later.

“Okay…Nico” Dan began, stopping in the middle of his dare to add suspense (And to spit out the foam forming in his mouth) “I dare you to go slap Brandy on the ass- I mean flank.”

Everyone began to go “Oooooooooooooooo”

“Damn Dan! You are pretty good at this game” Tyler said with a bro hoof. Nico gave out a gulp, do the dare or do a hell of a lot of work? Dare it is. I swore for a moment I saw Nico smile, but I guess I was wrong.

Nico smartly waited until WJ walked inside and began to slowly go nearer and nearer to Brandy. She was painting the side of her barn alone. In the brush behind me were my 5 friends, anxiously waiting for the big moment. Nico gave one last gulp and finally came as close as possible, he raised my hoof and it landed on her rump, emitting a loud “Thrawk” noise. She instantly jumped up and gave him a look of surprise; fortunately she didn’t hit me or scream.

“It was a dare

He then managed to leave the shocked Brandy where she stood and returned to my friends.

“So…” I said towards Nico

“Props” My friends all said in unison

“Thanks guys” Nico said with a smile.

At the end of the day Nico was still…fucked. Somehow everyone managed to pull of their dares (Even Conor who was very anti peer pressure) and Nico was left with an impossible dare. In the end Nico just said fuck it and had to plow the entire farm. I doubt even Nico could even tie his wings behind his back, ignite himself on fire, and jump off the barn before he got hurt. Fortunately by the time we picked the worker it looked like a tornado was about to hit.

“I think we’ll just leave you here for now…” Mike said

“Come on guys!” He wailed. But it was to no avail, we were already running inside the house for safety and leaving me in the midst of a storm still not done with the workload.

“O my god we need a camera for this!” Mike said giggling, in the background a massive storm was brewing. In the middle of it all was a black blotch (Nico) standing out on the farm, but he was ACTUALLY WORKING.

“Wow” I stated “Nico is actually working”

“Wow” Mike said “Props to him”

“Fuck”

Fuck work Nico wasn’t going to get sucked up into a tornado. He dropped the sleigh where it was and rushed towards the house, so much for hard work. He looked very relieved when he finally plopped up the stairs and rammed into the door. Mike had locked it! I could feel the wind intensifying (Through the door) and behind Nico it must have been even worse. The last thing he wanted to do was be not in there, so he began to claw at the door like a desperate animal. He went on for 5 minutes only for Brandy to notice the claw marks. She just laughed (Although it was almost inaudible from behind the door) and left Nico to my fate. Sexual harassment still doesn’t work out in Equestria!

Fuck I said, not in despair but in awe. Nico looked around and realized the only other structure in a 10 mile radius was the barn. It was better than nothing. He quickly galloped (Huh huh get it? He’s a horse) inside and closed the red and white door behind him.

“We better go after him” I said

“No man comes on!” Mike said

“Come on, WJ doesn’t look too happy at you anyways” I said, motioning to the grouch from behind.

“Fine let’s go then” Mike said, unlocking the door.

The inside of the barn seemed rather dry, to my inspection there were no leaks, only the smell of cow poo and cow. I rested there for a moment before opening the door at the other end of the barn. When I stepped out it was raining, hard. Did you ever play Left for Dead 2, in the Hard Rain campaign? Well it is possible for rain to hurt, this rain stung like a bitch.

I immediately began to bat at my hooves and ran back inside the barn. I noticed through one of the windows of the barn was Mike idly standing near Brandy. I began to scream and shout, if it wasn’t for the rain I would have just smashed the

window in. Brandy gave a nervous look to Mike and began to trot away; Mike turned around and opened the window.

“WHAT?” He shouted over the downpour of rain

“WHY ARE YOU INSIDE!?”  I questioned. I looked around and counted, the battered and wet Nico was in the corner drying himself off and the other 4 of us were here. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MIKE!?”

“WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!?”

“CAN YOU OPEN THE FRONT DOOR? THE RAIN STINGS” I shouted back

“REALLY?” Mike asked in curiosity. He gave a look back before jumping out the window and into the fusillade of rain. I couldn’t help but laugh at Mike’s facial expression when he felt the rain for the first time. He tried climbing back into the window but couldn’t manage and then gave up and ran into the barn.

“The rain hurts am I right?” I asked

“Yea it hurts” Mike said with a grimace “How do we get back into the house?”

“Good question” Nico said “Brandy saw me but locked the door”

“I wonder why” Mike said with a giggle

“Bro it was a DARE!” Nico protested

I was about to respond with a smart ass remark but I heard the roar of an engine from behind the back door. I turned my head to hear an object glide on mud and then smash into the barn door. It was a Humvee, inside was Ayan the juggernaut.

“Ayan, what are you doing?” I asked; looking at the gaping hole in the barn, which was only partially covered by the overturned Humvee.

“Sneak….attack” He said, dying in Mike’s hooves.

“Okay that was…something” Mike said, staring at the hole as well.

I turned my head to see a yellow blur run out the door and dash into he barn behind us.

“Shoot what was that?” Brandy asked while repositioning her dampened cowboy hat

“Yea this isn’t our fault” Nico said, trying to not act awkward

“Yea this Humvee just crashed into your barn…don’t ask” Mike said

“Shoot my pa is going to kill me!” Brandy said

“Meh it isn’t that noticeable” Nico said. Yea Nico, a giant overturned Humvee wasn’t noticeable.

“Who’s that?” Brandy asked; pointing towards the dead heap of metal that once was Ayan in a juggernaut suit.

“Don’t ask” Mike said with a wave of the hoof “Wait, did your dad lock the door when you left?”

“I don’t think so” Brandy said

Mike gave her a “Hang on” look and ran into the storm. I looked from the nearest window to see Mike run towards the door, I saw him open his mouth a little bit, and then he vanished. The bastard got back inside!

“I guess the door is open” I said, I gave a couple deep breaths before opening the door and making a dash for it. I looked into the sky for a split second only to see a boulder falling from the sky. It was coming right at me…it was a cow.

I felt a sudden blast of wind hit me that was followed by the cow. It knocked the wind out of me and sent me flying back into the barn. The cow itself was lodged in the door.

I felt myself begin to black out again; I couldn’t breathe and felt paralyzed. I looked up to see Brandy trying to open the door, but to no avail. I stumbled up to help her but our combined strength wasn’t enough to open the door. We were trapped.

“Shoot we’re trapped” Brandy exclaimed

“Can we get out the window?” I questioned

“These little things?” Brandy asked with an amused face, the windows I hate to admit were smaller than a bread basket.

“O” I said embarrassed

I looked back through the window that was right by the house. I had the sudden realization my friend and WJ were probably now bunkered down in the basement, not noticing 6 ponies were missing. We’d be stuck here until daylight at leastly, and considering that it just got dark out (From the fact there is a tornado right outside) we could be trapped in here for some time.

“So I guess we are all stuck in here for a while huh?” Brandy observed

“Yup” I said in a shy voice “So now what?”

“I don’t know…” Brandy said. The awkwardness of this situation was almost unbearable. If only Nico didn’t do that dare…

“SOOOOOOOOOOOOO Nico” Tyler began “what ya doing?”

“Nothing much” Nico said “Standing here, soaking wet”

I didn’t know how to relieve myself from the massive boredom I was about to get. All I knew is I was stuck in this red and white barn house with a tornado right behind the door. I tried moving the Humvee out of the way but it was no use, we were trapped.

“Do you need a towel Nico?” Brandy questioned reluctantly, she went into a chest in the corner and pulled out an old looking towel, throwing it at Nico.

“Want something to drink?” Brandy asked turning around to the rest of us

“Sure….what do you have?” I asked

“My dad likes to keep some refreshments out here ‘just in case’” Brandy said. She walked over to a pile of hay and began to dig inside of it. After a couple minutes of digging like a mole she came out with a 6 pack.

“Whiskey Joe is a wise stallion” I joked; I grabbed a beer and twisted the cap until I heard a satisfying sound. I looked down and took a swig, alcohol tasted well!

While Brandy was sampling her own beer I noticed a ladder on the other side of the room near Ayan’s corpse and chose to climb up it. I realized that the ladder was for the 2nd floor, which had a nice view of the first floor, and outside. There was a larger than average window (I could fit through it but it was pretty high up and I’d end up getting killed) with a perfect view of the farm. I sat down near it and just stared out slowly savored my beer. I thought about trying to fly onto the roof then back down, but I realized I’d be nearly impossible to fly in the middle of a twister (Especially with rain that hurts like a bitch). I was so preoccupied I almost didn’t notice Dan and Tyler coming by and sit down next to me.

“So, how about the weather?” Tyler asked

I gave out a chuckle “Pretty crazy” I didn’t know the time but I had to guess it was maybe 7 or 8

“Dude you got to listen to me” Tyler said “I was listening to Nico and Brandy talking and I think Brandy has a thing for Nico!”

“Really?” I asked, I couldn’t really imagine it considering Nico had- or….ooooo I see!

“Shhhh there talking” Dan said, he went over by the ladder and hid himself from plain sight right behind the wood. From below I could see Nico and Brandy sitting by a bale of hay. Conor was in the corner trying something with the door.

“Yea” I heard Brandy mumble “So…what were you guys playing truth or dare over?”

Nico cringed; he took a swig of beer and said in a sturdy voice “o well you know who would plow the farm and all…”

“Y’all couldn’t just work together?” Brandy asked

“Guys don’t work together” Nico said

“Interesting tale” She said eyeing her empty beer bottle

“Well I’m going to go to sleep and wait till this passes over” Brandy said, her hooves creaking on the wooden floor “Night”

“Night” Nico responded, finally emptying my beer bottle. He finally went up the ladder on the opposite side of the room (Two ladders are better than one!) and went up to the other window stationed on the other side.

“Shhhh” Tyler said, stealthily jumping into a pile of hay, Dan hid in the darkened corner and I hid right by the bale of hay. Maybe something would happen, maybe something wouldn’t, but it was better than nothing.

Time passed, maybe an hour or two, before I finally got bored and wanted to go to sleep. At this point it was getting dreadfully cold and there was a wind. It was obvious that Nico’s necessity now was a blanket. He looked high and low for a blanket, but to no avail. Meanwhile we watched in anticipation. It took sometime but eventually he realized the only blanket was on top of Brandy! Nico didn’t want to steal (Didn’t God say something about that?) but he didn’t have a choice. He slowly trotted up to where she was soundly sleeping and managed to slide the blanket off of her. Meanwhile I and my friends were stifling our laughter; Conor at the moment was asleep by the wall near the barn door.

He quickly snatched it then found a nice warm clump of hay and laid down for a nice comfortable nap.

I wasn’t sure how long he was sleeping for when Brandy gave him a sharp tap to the ribs. He awoke to Brandy right above him with an accusing look in her face.

“Nico, did you steal my blanket?” She asked

He looked down at the blanket then back up to her “I didn’t even know you had a blanket” he said in my most truthful voice, it didn’t work.

“Sure you didn’t” She said with a giggle. She tried to grab the blanket but Nico was already expecting it and snatched it up and brought it close to him before she could grab it. She tried to steal it away from him again but he brought it up close to him and she fell down (Almost on top of him) onto the pile of hay. I  turned to see Tyler’s mouth 100% ajar.

Nico’s Point of View (Sex INBOUND)

“Sorry but I’m keeping this blanket for the night” I said. Life was like a grenade, sometimes it is a dud and sometimes it blows up in your face. Just don’t always expect a dud. Here I am, just doing what any other bro would do in my position and this is my treatment!

“Like hay you are, its cold enough with the blanket!” She said

“Exactly, I’ll give it to you tomorrow” I said, nuzzling up against the surprisingly warm hay, even with the towel (Which I kept) and the blanket it was still chilly. Sadly none of the windows had glass. Where was Vespi, Dan and Tyler? They must all be asleep. Conor was already fast asleep in the corner.

“Fine give me some blanket then, I’m freezing my flank off” Brandy said, laying down by me part of me wanted to act 14 and recoil back (You know, not gay but still only 14) but the majority of me wanted her to come closer (The 21 part of me, the 100% of me)

I gave it a moment’s thought and agreed “Sure I guess”

I allowed her to go under the blanket and nuzzle up against me…my body heat must of skyrocketed because I didn’t need the blanket anymore.

“Warm enough?” I asked, like a baws

“Yea, thanks” She said, like a baws

***

“Hey WJ is Vespi and Brandy and the guys still trapped in the barn?” Mike asked, looking over into the barn, fearing his friends was freezing to death. But Mike was still Mike, time to start something.

“Yea, I hope the fellers are alright.” WJ said

“You know, Vespi kind of likes Brandy” Mike said stifling his giggle. Mike was an expert liar, a sap like this didn’t have a chance.

WJ turned around with a half-surprised half-livid face

"Y'all don't say" WJ said in his gruff voice

“O yea” Mike said with a wave of the hand “I think she likes him back too, what do you think there doing?”

“I’m sure there….fine” WJ said trying to hide his doubt.

“There fine”

***

I couldn’t go to sleep now, mainly because the farmer’s daughter was right up beside me while we were trapped in a barn for the night.

My main fear was getting a boner and freaking her out...that would be the 2nd worst case scenario. The worst case scenario would be if I had a wet dream and got my baby gravy all over her. Or even worse, Tyler came over and started something! I never knew there were so many worries in stuff like this…the last thing I want was to be a dad, but it wasn’t like we were going to have sex or anything…

I couldn’t really go to sleep, so I tried to provoke a conversation.

“Hey…Brandy are you awake?” I whispered, looking around the dark room praying that Tyler and the others were asleep.

There was a moment of silence before she responded “Yea I can’t sleep myself”

She gave a little yarn and moved a little closer to me; I felt the warm blanket shift positions on top of me.

“Hey…uh Nico” Brandy asked, I shifted positions to look her eye to eye, for some reason she still had her hat on “do you have a…you know…mare friend or anything?”

O shit now what? “No” I replied “Do you have a…you know… colt friend or anything?”

“No” She responded, things got quiet again

“So…” I said I had the strange feeling that Brandy was attracted to me; it was making more and more sense. I doubt there would be a mare/women alive who wouldn’t scream “Rape” or something like that if you slapped them on the ass. How should I do this?

“What do you think the others are doing?” I asked, I moved a little closer to her and felt her soothing body heat against mine. Hopefully Brandy’s assurance could kill my fear of Tyler screaming “RAPE” or “P LOTT” or something on those lines.

“I’m not sure…” Brandy said, I thought she was going to add something to her statement so I turned to her so we could be face to face. I did meet her face to face, I just didn’t expect our faces to be that close.

We just looked at each other for a moment, Brandy’s face was visible because of the moons light (The winds had died down and the tornado had subsided) and her blonde hair looked almost magical.

I admit I was pretty nervous “Do I have something in my teeth?” I blabbed nonsensically, that was the moment when you wish the grenade (Life) was a dud.

“No” She said, it wasn’t a moment shattering voice but rather a sweet seductive voice. I didn’t know really what to say to that and fortunately I didn’t have to, I felt her lips come up to mine and we kissed.

Now that is how a baws does it!

We kissed for a while before I felt Brandy’s little hoof rubbing up against my haunch, there was nothing that could ruin this moment. When I went to look out onto the farm in a lull in the love I saw in the corner, you guessed it, Mike looking at me through the window. Was he creeping? Fuck it I don’t care.

“Ready?” I asked in my own seductive voice

“O SHIT TYLER WHAT THE FUCK MAN!” Vespi cried out, I turned around to see flames igniting from a bale of hay. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brandy got up sluggishly, grabbed a pail of water and walked sloth-like over to the brewing fire. She tossed it on the fire, exterminating it completely before slapping Tyler, kicking Dan and punching Vespi in the face; he eventually fell backwards and fell off the ladder, landing on the floor next to the ladder.

“GO TO SLEEP YE VERMIN AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” Brandy shouted. Well looks like that grenade was a dud! Or well…an explosion for Vespi (Who laid on the floor unconscious).

“So where were we?” Brandy asked, getting under the blanket once again, this time grinding up against me.

“o….uh…. Ready?” I asked nervously

“You know it” Brandy said

“THE FIRE WORKS!” I moved my head to see Tyler by another fire.

“I’ll deal with him” I said

“Forget him” Brandy said seductively “Deal with me”

Sex is a lot like using a broom. It is simple to learn but impossible to master. I didn’t know a lot about it (besides…the internet) but that didn’t discourage me from ramming my boner inside of her. It didn’t take long to realize why everyone looked forward to sex; I felt a surge of pleasure seethe through my penis as I constantly thrust my pelvis. For the moment my mind almost felt like it was shutting down from the stunning pleasure. I didn’t even care that Tyler was about to burn the entire farm down.

Brandy herself looked like she was enjoying her first taste of sex. Every time I entered her she jumped and she was drooling all over the hay (There were other fluids on the hay as well). I didn’t count the time and was praying that things would stay like this. Every moment felt like heaven. After a little bit I could hear Brandy’s moans get louder and faster I knew she was coming soon. So I picked up the pace, I was coming near too I could feel-

“NICO GET SOME WATER!” Vespi shouted, I looked behind me to see half the barn up in flames.

(More audio version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50a2A-UAVq0)

“Forget him” Brandy said, still in the mood

Life is throwing out duds it seems.

So much for living at the Farm...

I woke up, laying half propped up against the barn wall. At my hoof was a claw hammer and a couple loose nails. The wall had been hastily repaired with some spare planks we found lying in the corner.

I knew trying to make a signaling fire would be a bad idea. But Tyler thought otherwise.

I got up and stretched and scanned the room, Dan had fallen asleep before me and was just waking up from a pile of hay. Tyler was already awake it seems.

“Hey Tyler” I said, I felt my face and grimaced. Why the hell did Brandy just randomly punch me? I could of died from that fall! Speaking of Brandy, where was Nico?

“Hey Vespi check this out” Tyler said, giving me a motion to follow. I stealthily walked past Dan (Who was trying to get back to sleep) towards the ladder. At first Tyler gave out one of his laughs and I laughed as well….even though I didn’t see anything. But then I saw it, Nico was asleep in a hay bail. Next to him was Brandy.

“No way…” I said in awe. I knew Nico was somewhere, but in the night time confusion I had lost track of him. After Tyler ignited the wall on fire (Which we had to repair on the fly) the idea was already out of my head. But here Nico was, snuggled up against the farmer’s daughter.

“Dude….get Dan” Tyler said, I scurried back to the makeshift wall and shook Dan vigorously

“Dude, see this right now” I said, almost dragging him to where Tyler was. When Dan saw Nico though, he jumped right up.

“No. Way.” Dan said, trying to control his laughter

“What should we do?” Tyler asked

“I don’t know, I don’t want to get punched by Brandy again” I stated

“You deserved that! You started a fire!” Tyler said

“Tyler, you wanted to make a god damn signaling fire to Mike!” I said. I always expected Tyler to have some sort of a pyromaniac side.

“Whatevs” Tyler said “Let’s get something to eat though I’m starving”

We all quickly went down the ladder and pushed the door open, fortunately with our combined strength we could get the door half-way open. Good enough.

I looked outside and studied the damage,

Field: Fine

Fences: Fine

Barn: Fine (Except where we almost burned the barn down)

House: Fine

Some tornado…it didn’t even do any damage! I wonder where the cow came from then? All the tornado left was mud and twigs scattered across the boundaries where the farmland met the tree line.

“I wonder what Mike was doing the entire night” Dan asked, opening the unlocked door. How nice, Mike must of unlocked it before going to bed in a nice warm and comfortable house. I had to admit in hindsight, the barn was awful for sleep. It was cold, drafty, and the roof leaked (Which wasn’t surprising since we accidently burned half the roof off).

“Knock Knock” I joked, opening the flimsy door. Mike was lounging on one of the couches, his hooves up on the coffee table. In his hand (Hoof?) was a piece of toast.

“What I miss?” He asked with a pompous smile. He picked up his cup of orange juice and took a sip.

“Nico and Brandy” Tyler said. Mike spat out the orange juice, getting it all over Tyler.

“Surprised?” Dan asked

“What they do?” Mike asked, half stunned and half impressed.

“I don’t know, come take a look.” I said, Mike shoved the entire piece of toast in his mouth (The ENITRE piece of toast) and got up following us out the door into the barn. With another group effort we pushed the barn door open the other way. Conor was still asleep in the corner, peacefully napping by the door.

Nico and Brandy were still asleep as well, both looking peaceful as ever in the bale of hay.

“NO FUCKING WAY!” Mike said

Nico finally began to stir, one eye opening to see who the intruder was. When he saw it was Mike (And the emotion on his face) it looked as though Nico was shattered.

“O hey guys” Nico said nonchalantly “How’s it going?”

“Bro how is it going with you!?” Mike said “Did you guys do it!?”

“O uhhhhh, kind of” Nico said, avoiding all eye contact.

“YOU DID! YOU DID! O MY GOD BRO!” Mike said “YOU ARE MY NEW IDOL!”

Brandy finally woke up with the same expression Nico had only moments ago.

“What are y’all talking about?” She asked, repositioning her cowboy hat (Did she wear that through the night 0_0?)

“So how was it Nico? Tell us all about it” Mike said

“Mike not now, please” Nico said, still almost asleep.

“Okay don’t worry we will give you two love birds some alone time” Mike said, walking towards the door. Tyler and Dan followed him back inside, but for the hell of it, I was curious on how this was going to work out. WJ probably wasn’t going to be cool with this; also I was curious on how Nico would react to this. I ran up against the inside window and put my ear up against it, I could already hear the two talking.

“So….what do we do now?” Nico asked

“Breakfast?” Brandy asked

“Okay, but listen Brandy. My friends and I got to go to Ponyville and all….and I don’t think you can just leave the farm and come with us.”

“I understand” Brandy said “How do you think my daddy will react?”

“Are you going to tell him?” Nico inquired

“No” Brandy said

“O….okay then” Nico said

I though the conversation was going to end there, but Brandy leaned in and gave Nico a kiss

“I guess I’ll always remember last night, even though y’all are not around. If you’re ever in Marington again though…feel free to visit” Brandy said

“Cool” Nico said “I’ll always remember last night too I guess…that feeling and all. Like when yo-“

Okay I had the feeling this was going to get graphic, I peeked back and headed for the door. Mike, Tyler, and Dan though were all standing outside.

“What’s going on?” I asked

“WJ locked us out, the retard that he is” Mike muttered

“Go around and try the back” Dan offered. Right then Brandy and Nico headed out of the barn.

I followed orders and trotted to the back of the house, Nico and Brandy following me.

“So…………….” I said “Had fun last night?”

“Stop it”  Brandy ordered

“Sorry just curious, looked like you had fun” I joked again

“Vespi stop” Nico said in a stern demeanor

“Relax, just joking with her” I said, I twisted the door knob but it swung open. WJ was staring right at me; in his levitational grasp was an old looking double-barrel shotgun. EQUESTRIANS HAVE GUNS!? I studied the gun in an instant, noticing it’s elderly appearance and beaten down condition.

“Brandy get inside” WJ ordered

“But daddy-“ Brandy began

“INSIDE NOW!” WJ ordered, Nico looked like he was going to object but when Brandy scurried inside it was already too late.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let y’all on my farm! I knew something was going to happen in-between y’all!”

“But please sir I can explain-“ Nico said

“BUT NOTIN!” WJ shouted, loading the shotgun with two shells. Along the side of the barrel were numerous other bullets tied to the gun. “Nico I’ll give y’all and extra head start”

“Wait I can….wait what!?” Nico asked

“Wait what did I do?” I shouted, here I was, a shotgun in my face. The kid next to me though gets an extra head start…racism?

“You touched my little girl!” WJ shouted

“…..no I didn’t”

“Yes you did son don’t lie to me! Your friend Mike told me” WJ shouted, getting even angrier, wait what did Mike do? O you got to be kidding me!

WJ sent off a warning shot, high into the air. But even before that I was off, running down the alley way in-between the red barn and the house.

“HES GOT A GUN! HES GOT A GUN!” Nico and I screamed, WJ chasing us down the small pathway.

“Wait what?” Mike said, turning around to see the fiasco.

Conor popped his head through the door “What did I miss?”

A third shot rang out, destroying some of the barn.

“RUNNNNNNNNNNNN!” Dan said, taking off down the hill.

WJ would never out run us that was for sure, but his gun at more reach then was necessary. We made a dash to the left across the field. From behind I could hear more shots going off. I was running behind the rest and the shots were all directed towards me, one shot exploded right by my hoof, sending dirt flying. Another flew right by my ear, almost grazing it.

I looked back for a split second, WJ was still chasing us but his age was getting the better of him and we were losing

him fast. The shots were going wider and wider and softer and softer. We were safe!

We were now back in the forest though but instantly we found a trail and followed it.

“So Nico, I’m serious here and all, what does sex feel like.”

Nico gave out an exhale “Do you know that Lonely Island song? Think of that.”

“Please just sing it Nico PLEASE!” Tyler begged

“Why would I sing the song?” Nico asked

“Pleassssssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” Tyler begged

“Fine” Nico said, he turned to me “Can you help me out?”

I smiled “Why not”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o&ob=av3e)

Sometimes (Oooooh)

Something beautiful happens

In this world (Akon- I MEAN VESPI)

You don't know how to

Express yourself so (and Niiiiiiiiico!)

You just gotta sing

I just had sex

And it felt so good (Felt so good)

A woman let me put

My penis inside of her

I just had sex

And I'll never go back (Never go back)

To the not-having-sex

Ways of the past

Have you ever had sex?

I have it felt great

It felt so good

When I did it with my penis

A girl let me do it

It literally just happened

Having sex can make a nice

Man out of the meanest

Never guess where I just came from

I had sex

If I had to describe the feeling

It was the best

When I had the sex

Man my penis felt great

And I called my parents

Right after I was done

Oh hey, didn't see you there

Guess what I just did?

Had sex, undressed

Saw her boobies and the rest

Was sure nice of her to let you

Do that thing

Nice of any girl ever

Now sing

I just had sex

And it felt so good (Felt so good)

A woman let me put

My penis inside of her

I wanna tell the world

To be honest I'm surprised

She even wanted me to do it

Doesn't really make sense

But man, screw it

I ain't one to argue

With a good thing

She could be my wife

That good?

The best 30 seconds of my life (My life)

I'm so humbled by girls ability

To let me do her

Cuz honestly I'd have sex

With a pile of manure

With that in mind

The soft, nice smelling girls better

Cuz she let me wear

My chain and turtle neck sweater

So this one's dedicated to them girls

That let us flop around on top of them

If you're near or far

Whether short or tall

We wanna thank you all

For letting us fuck you

She kept looking at her watch

(Doesn't matter, had sex)

But I cried the whole time

(Doesn't matter, had sex)

I think she might've been a racist

(Doesn't matter, had sex)

She put a bag on my head

(Still counts)

I just had sex (Sex)

And all my dreams came true (Dream came true)

So if you had sex in the last

30 minutes then you're qualified

To sing with me

I just had sex (Everybody sing)

And it felt so good (We all had sex)

A woman let me put

My penis inside of her (I wanna tell the world)

I just had sex

And I'll never go back (No no no)

To the not-having-sex

Days of the past

By the end of the song I was tired and dehydrated. All the time Mike, Dan, Conor, and Tyler gave me their best “WTF” faces and were plain stunned.

“You only had sex for 30 seconds?” Mike asked

“No it’s just the song, she wasn’t a racist either, and I think she liked it too” Nico stated, trying to undo the imperfections of the Lonely Island song.

“That is…interesting” Dan said still maintaining a blank face

We continued to march down the trail and Nico ended up answering at leastly 100 questions about sex.

“So she is pregnant?” Mike would constantly ask

“No she isn’t, I heard something about magic birth control” Nico said

“You sure?” Mike questioned again “You are pretty forgetful”

“Relax” Nico said “Besides that was more or less like a sextorial”

Mike just gave a nod and continued walking. In time the questions became sparser and sparser before they finally ceased.

The day was still beautiful and it was the perfect combination of spring like and fall like. That is probably why we walked for so long and tried to walk all night. It was just so beautiful out you didn’t want to close your eyes and sleep.

“So how close are we to Marington?” Mike asked

“Like an hours walk I guess” Nico said “I’m too tired to go tonight though, let’s sleep and do it tomorrow”

“That’s what she said!” I heard Tyler call from his sleeping position off to my left.

“Shut the fuck up” Nico said, Nico usually doesn’t curse, only when it isn’t necessary…even though it was necessary now.

I finally closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, waiting for the next day.

When Africanized Beavers Attack

I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or awake when I heard a hushed voice and a couple quick running noises. I had been dreaming about that night in the barn when I felt a quick tap on my shoulder. I sluggishly opened my eyes to see Mike standing in front of me. He looked half excited and half bored, well he always looks like that, doesn’t he?

“What is it Mike?” I questioned angrily, the last thing I wanted to do was wake up and walks, I had “Lazy ass” syndrome at the moment.

“Vespi we found Trixie again, come over here” Mike said, grabbing my hoof and pulling me up. I lumbered a few paces before becoming semi-awake. I finally came to my senses and rushed towards the rustic looing covered wagon being controlled by the pompous light blue unicorn.

“Considering The Great and Magnificent Trixie’s infinite generosity I will drive you to New Marington, but under one condition” I heard, I finally got on the trail (Which was bathed in darkness all but from one luminous light, hanging from Trixie’s wagon) and focused on my surroundings. Everything seemed the same, but there seemed to be a feeling of distress and fear, coming from none other than Trixie.

“The Great and Magnificent Trixie was walking through these woods in order to…relieve herself, when she came upon several hideous monsters. These monsters seemed fearsome but the Great and Magnificent Trixie rushed back to her wagon to defend herself, but in her rush she dropped a very important spell book. Retrieve said book and I will grant you the ride to New Marington…free of charge.” She said, I had a bad feeling about this. She tried to sound strong about it, but behind a semblance of control it was apparent that something had shook her up. I looked at the various facial expressions shown by my friends. Everypony seemed suspicious and unsure as well..

“Well where is this book?” I asked

“I dropped in outside a cave maybe a 10 minutes’ walk from here. Just go down this trail until you see a small lake, the book should be near the lake and cave.”

“Okay” I said “But you better not leave, M- I mean Vinyl Mix stay with her and make sure she doesn’t leave”

Mike gave a wise ass look “Don’t worry”

“Okay we’ll take your offer Trixie” I said

I took off in the direction Trixie gave me and my friends followed.

The walk in the woods seemed more dangerous than in the daylight. At leastly in the day light you could see where your allies were and where other not so friendly things were. In the new moon midnight night that was tonight, I could barely see five feet in front of me. I constantly had to look behind me to make sure my friends where in a ten foot radius. Tyler although was ahead of me.

“What are you doing?” I questioned, I couldn’t see very well as it is and the dark wasn’t helping, but I could hear Tyler rushing into the brush and returning back onto the trail. He came right up to me and showed a rock and a stick.

“Going to make a torch” Tyler said, striking the rock against the stick. There was no fire, Tyler tried again but to no avail.

“Good luck with that” I joked, Tyler should become a professional arsonist when he grows up.

We walked a little bit more, and then I heard a final snap and saw something illuminating behind me. I turned around to see Tyler wielding a torch.

“How’d that work?’ I pondered absent-mindedly; thanks to the torch we weren’t completely in the dark anymore.

We continued to walk nonetheless, I eventually had the feeling that-

“Hey Vespi is that the lake over there?” Nico asked, pointing his hoof into the abyss of the darkness (Torch sure works well…). I took a couple steps closer to see a small line of bright blue water near a couple of desolate looking trees. To the right was a small cave; in the center was the book.

So much for that

“I got it” Conor said, taking off for the book

“Careful Conor” Dan said “There were monsters remember?”

The threat of the monsters didn’t stall Conor for the slightest moment. He began to slow his pace as he grew ever closer to the book that is when I noticed there was something else moving. In the corner of my eye I saw a small brown babble of fur scuttling from the cave.

“Look out Conor!” I shouted, pointing to the intruder.

“Relax Vespi, it’s just a beaver” Conor said in an amused tone. As if Conor had casted a hex 6 or 7 more of the little fur balls appeared form the mouth of the cage and began to walk towards Conor. In the moonlight I swore I saw the half-eaten remains of several ponies, O GOD!

“O my god” I cursed “CONOR THEY ARE AFRICANIZED BEAVERS!” I warned. I had heard about the fearsome Africanized beaver, they were so dangerous they wiped out entire villages in Kenya. A horde of these monsters destroyed Mogadishu and US Rangers were forced in to remove their leader, Beaver Etienne as Firimbi.

“What?” Conor said, grabbing the book and turning his back, worst possible option. I watched in horror as one of the beavers lunged for Conor, grabbing his back hoof. Conor was stunned and almost sprawled out on the ground, fortunately the spasmodic kick of his leg sent the beaver backwards and saved Conor a couple seconds. The 1st beaver’s confederates all began to lunge for Conor who was now scrambling to his hooves to make a dash. A 2nd beaver bit on Conor’s hoof and he howled in pain.

I got out of my daze and rushed out into the dark to assist my friend, from behind I heard the reliving sound of my friend’s charge.

“KILL IT WITH FIRE!” Tyler screamed, batting at a beaver with the torch. The beaver caught alight and ran back into the cave, that couldn’t be too good.

Conor was now laying on his back, blood gushing from several lethal looking wounds from his body. A beaver was hob knocking Conor in the face with his tail when I came into kicking range, I launched my back two legs out (5 years of MMA) and sent the little furry bastard flying like a football. I now realized due to the darkness 6 beavers were an underestimate. There had to be 20 or so of them rushing out of the cave to join the fray, now I knew why Trixie called them “Monsters”,

All the while I couldn’t help but think Mike had it a lot worse, being stuck with the Great and Magnificent Trixie with nothing to do.

***

“Wow that was such a great song! The Great and Magnificent Trixie is impressed by your abilities” Trixie said with an enthusiastic smile “You could be an amazing singer, and I could be your agent!”

Mike couldn’t help but smile at Trixie’s naivety. Sure he sung it well but it wasn’t his song. In fact it was Eminem’s. Mike knew that no matter how hard they tried, copy right could never reach him out here. He was going to be the greatest musical genius of all time! He would be Eminem, Lil Wayne, LMFAO, Lonely Island, Drake (The faggot he is), Kenye West, the Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, The Numa Numa guy, Atzen, Jimi Hendrix, Akon, and every other successful artist that ever was! He would be Vinyl Mix and live in a kickass mansion! With lots of strippers!

From the distance Mike saw fire brewing

“Is that a forest fire?” Trixie asked

“I don’t think so…” Mike said

***

“BURN YOU LITTLE FURSHIT!” I cursed, burning the beaver alive with the torch. I felt like I was in the middle of a war, a bloody, god forsaken war. Conor was being tended by Nico while I, Dan, and Tyler were fighting for our lives against wave after wave of Africanized beavers.

No matter how many we killed, more and more of the little buggers came and seemed more and more determined to bring their targets down.

The battle ground was now stained with blood and the corpses of fallen beavers littered the area like Chinese people litter China. I was tired, angry, scared, and adrenalized all at the same time. It was the strangest combination of feelings I had ever had, I wanted to live and felt almost super human…or in this case super pony.

“Fall back we got the book!” Tyler shouted from behind me, Nico was carrying Conor in a fire man’s carry and Dan had a small bottle in his hand…now where’d he get that.

“Get dowwwwwwn!” Tyler screamed, I ducked into the nearest ditch and peered up to see the war like Dan waving a Molotov cocktail in one hoof and a lighter in the other.

“EAT FIRE MOTHER FUCKERS!” He screamed, I saw him light the device and toss it into the horde of beavers. Fire turned the battle ground into a Hellish inferno and I had the pleasure to see the Africanized beavers burn alive, unable to breath trapped under there ex-friends.

I scurried out of the ditch and ran with my friends. Dan and I were on the rear guard while Tyler helped carry Conor with Nico. The beavers seemed to be scattered now, some pursuing, some withdrawing, and most dead. The few pursuing beavers though were too weak in numbers and confidence to chase us fortunately. I didn’t have a good look at Conor in the night (Tyler had tossed the torch) but from his wheezing breath I knew it was bad, really bad.

I was relieved to see a faint light coming from the distance. It was Trixie’s wagon! We were safe!

“Don’t worry Conor you’re going to be alright” I shouted with a reassuring voice. Conor was passing out from blood loss, and he looked pale as a ghost. If he didn’t receive medical help quickly I feared he could die.

“Open up Vinyl!” I shouted, ramming into the front door. Nico was close behind with the half dead Conor cradled in his arms.

The door finally opened, Mike must have known about Conor’s condition. If it wasn’t for Conor he would have locked us out.

“What the hell bro!” Mike shouted in anger

“Shut the fuck up, Cinnamon is dying!” I said, Mike was about to shout again but he went blank when he heard Conor’s name.

Nico pushed by me with Conor and seated him down at a nearby side table, barely big enough for him.

“Also hears the book bitch” I said, showing Trixie the blood stained spell book. On the semi-readable title was “Basic Magic Tricks 101” (Some powerful book). The blood was mainly on the cover, which I used to bash beaver skulls in; most of the pages were salvageable.

“Fear not The Great and Magnificent Trixie will save your friend!” Trixie shouted, jumping to the front seat of the wagon.

“Don’t worry Conor you are going to be alright, you are going to be alright” I said, tears forming in my eyes.

“Michael…” Conor said in a hoarse whisper “The beavers…”

“The beavers…”

Teenagers and Juggernaut Suits

The plan seemed simple enough. Nico would take the roof and use the crossbow (Which Nico somehow hid from me) to pick off the beavers from afar. The suits would go to myself, Mike, Dan, Tyler, Fire Lance and Blue Breeze…well basically everyone but Daring Do. What might feel like a death sentence seemed more like a minor inconvenience to Daring Do though.

“Relax” She assured us “I’ve learned a little in the last couple years”

“Sucks you didn’t learn how to make a sandwich BITCH” Mike grumbled from the corner, what good was a female if she couldn’t make sandwiches?

Meanwhile the doctor was preparing the spell while the nurse worked on Conor, managing to keep him alive. From the sounds of thinks he was managing, but not by much. The very thought of my friend dying send shivers down my spine.

I, Mike, Nico, Ayan, Dan, Fire Lance, Daring Do and Blue Breeze were in the fore front of battle. Apparently the doctor had a couple spare tools lying around that could be used as weapons. We had a Russian Nut Cracker (basically a baby sledgehammer), Daring Do’s machete (Which Daring Do wanted), a chainsaw, a combat knife, Lance’s old sword, a claw hammer, and a couple Molotov cocktails Dan made on the fly.

The spell itself was the biggest part. We would defend the front gate with melee weapons long enough for the doctor to prepare the spell and warp Conor to a nearby friend there. The spell would teleport us to Stalliongrad (Which I don’t know jack about) and it was a 1 way spell only, meaning we could go back once the spell was completed. The doctor also warned us that he could only teleport us in small groups, meaning in groups of up to 3 we would have to basically decimate our defenses every time. I was surprised to learn that the doctor, Daring Do, Lance and Breeze all preferred to fight their way out then escape with the spell.

“How come?” I asked

“I’d prefer getting attacked by Beibers then Gryphons any day” Lance joked, I was sure there was more truth to that joke then he wanted to reveal.

I looked out the nearby window on the first floor. Mike was “warming up” outside, beating a couple stray beavers with his hammer (Or well the hammer he claimed). Blue Breeze was awkwardly sitting down, waiting for the signal. Mike was chatting with Fire lance and Tyler was trying to solve a rubix cube he had randomly found. From above I could hear Nico’s occasional footsteps.

The Beibers were in an orderly fashion right outside the doctor’s house. Hundreds of them almost all waiting for us to make the first move, the solemn vigil of the Beibers was constantly increasing. It looked as if they were all around something though, perhaps a…leader?

“Get your armor on guys” Ayan said. Dropping to the floor a…care package; I opened up the package to see 6 juggernaut suits stacked neatly, on the other sides was a dozen throwing knives, some medical supplies, and an m60.

“Nico is going to have fun with this” I said, heaving the weapon up the stairs to show to Nico (Blue Breeze, Fire Lance and Daring Do not paying me any attention). Once we mounted it, it was lethally accurate and even more lethally deadly. The weapon also covered the entire field and if we wanted to we could have unleashed the weapon on the Beibers right now, though I was wary of ammo conservation.

I headed down stairs to see Gayan preparing everyone in the suits. I saw the one spare suit in the corner and grabbed it (The damn thing had to be 50 pounds!), hauling it to a better place to change. Putting it on was relatively simple, just put the legs on first, then clasp the things to the chest plate thing…then you put the neck thing on….then you kind of…fuck it ill just use the instruction manual.

***

I finally lumbered out of the bathroom in full gear. The armor was infuriatingly heavy and restricted my pace to nothing more than a cumbersome jaunt. The visor (Although bullet proof and obviously useful) restricted my eye vision amazingly. I knew it would take a hell of a lot of Beibers to tear the suit which gave me some confidence, but if I accidentally fell down and couldn’t get back up then I was screwed.

“Go get them colts” The doctor said “I’ll have Nico call you foal back in, have fun”

“We’ll try” I said, trying to re grip the small combat knife, why didn’t Gayan get us some guns? The knife looked puny in the midst of my giant glove, fortunately the advanced Russian combat suit made it possible for me to wield the blade, kind of. We all marched out of the doctor’s house and formed a wall right outside of the door. Mike had his normal confident smile on.

“This is going to be fun!” He said

For a moment us and the beavers just stared at each other, I finally had a perfect time to study them. There were hundreds of them alright, perfectly parallel with the house, looks like they wanted a fair fight. We all stood in a wall against the door side of the Doctor’s house. We knew on our own we would still be effective but to maximize Nico’s heavy MG we would need to stay close. The cocktails would also help if they were concentrated in a small vicinity.

“If I may gentlecolts” Mike said, I was surprised he said gentlecolts and not gentlemen. he ran back inside and came out with a little record player, he slide a record on and almost instantly remembered where the song was from, heaven. Whatever it was it sounded like god shat out a boom box and was playing it down from the havens.

(Music, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV\_OM)

Like a command the Beibers all rushed towards us, we gave our best battle cry and rushed towards them as well. Mike ran out into the forehead of our blitz, with the hammer above his head (its metal part blood stained) he looked like an insane barbarian. The beavers lunged for him but with one massive strike Mike brought the hammer down in an arc and decimated the attackers, the Beibers now a red mist. I followed Blue Breeze and tried to keep his back. Blue Breeze’s strength was far from Mike’s uncharacteristic strength and it took a couple strikes to take his first beaver. Just as he was reloading I saw a beaver jump near him and I was lucky, I brought the knife through its neck in mid lunge. The little wanker dropped to the ground with a thump.

I saw a small burst wiz by my head and explode a nearby beaver. I turned around for a split second to see Nico waving at me with a smile. If it wasn’t for Mike’s screaming I would have been sucked up in the moment.

Before long the beaver’s began to retreat and we regrouped. Somehow none of us were injured, we had survived round 1. The only environmental difference was the battleground was coated with the dead Beibers. I was barely tired as well; I was smart and tried to not move at all. I learned it took a ton of energy to dodge attacks in the suit and it was better to just eat them.

“What a mess…” Mike joked. Mike was always at the fore front of the massacre, I always followed his hammer, knowing it would guide me to safety. I turned to see Daring Do doing surprisingly well. With her wings untethered by the suit she could fly away from the attack whenever wanted.

“O my god…” Mike said, it wasn’t in disappointment but in dis belief. I saw what he was talking about, I turned my head to see more Beibers slowly marching towards us…they dun be intelligent!

“These are some smart Beibers…” Fire Lance remarked

“No shit... FOR HONOR FOR GLORY!” Mike shouted, looking more like a blessed knight then a wiseass kid from NJ dressed in a juggernaut suit.

This time I was separated from my wingman Blue Breeze and me and Mike kicked ass, Jersey style.

Mike’s Hammer and my knife made a potent team. Bieber after Bieber was brutally “raped” by our skill. On a couple occasions we tried to be cinematic at some times. I remember turning around to see Mike just throwing Beibers like spears, while the Beiber’s friends slowly backed away…man I love Mike.

Before long the 2nd round subsided and we had another moment of silence.

“15 MINUTES” Nico shouted from the roof. I smiled; we were going to get out of this! Conor was going to survive!

The beavers charged yet again, this time with even greater force. From out of nowhere I saw a  beam of energy fly from the left and strike an upcoming beaver, killing him instantly. I turned to the side, call me insane, call me on crack, call me both, but I know what I saw. Ever play Dead Space 2? Well Issac Clarke was there on the side with a line gun in his advanced suit, yea I know…

“What the hell?” I asked, staring in confusion at the Rig-wearing super soldier.

“So where am I?” Issac asked randomly. All of a sudden (Just as random though) a drag tentacle came out of nowhere and dragged Issac down into hole, I heard the flat line moments later.

For a moment everyone stood there in awkward silence.

“So….who was that?” Mike asked

“….I think it was Issac Clark….you know from Dead Space?” I said

“O”

“O”

Everyone randomly stood there for a moment, then Nico unloaded with the M60 and the fighting continued. The onslaught ensued without end, our forces constantly fighting the Bieber menace. That is when I saw the leader, a giant beaver…with the biggest flow… EVER!

“JUSTIN BEAVER!” Nico screamed

“O shit I call this one!” Mike said in a slurred voice.

Gayan got cocky. He ran towards the beast alone without our support. The monster just flipped its flow and Gayan exploded into a bloody pulp. HE FLIPEPD HIS HAIR AND KILLED AYAN! AGAIN!

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Blue Breeze screamed

“I love a challenge!” Mike said

The monster finally gave a high pitched scream and rushed forward. That is when I heard Dan’s little poker face snicker. I knew what was about to happen. From above the machine gun was chirping like a well maintenanced piston, sending round after round of heavy clambered bullets into the monster, wounding him slightly.

“Get back guys…” I said, Mike and Dan already knew, Tyler and Blue Breeze were more hesitant but complied. That is when I saw our 7 or 8 Molotov’s all fly out at a speedy pace and smash right onto the monster’s face. It fell and was ignited, but Mike always liked a good kill cam. He jumped up and did a 360 in the air, pulling out a throwing knife from his pocket.

The knife flew from his hand and struck the great Bieber, destroying his amazing flow, the source of its infinite power.

The beaver’s with their cute little feet looked stunned and began to slowly back away. Before breaking into a massive final charge at us, this was the coup de grace, the game winner.

“CHARGE” I shouted, running into the blitz once again.

Instead of the cautious and circumspect manner the beavers attacked us with before they used a complete blitz on us. They just rushed us in a complete line; casualties weren’t the biggest problem anymore.

Right when I thought we were going to break I realized how dwindled the enemy was. Most of the beavers were face down on the ground, weeping blood onto the once brown fertile soil.

“Good game” Mike said

“Good game” I joked, I found it amazing how at a time like this where we had just been fighting for our lives, the first thing that pops into my head is Modern Warfare 3.

“Best 360 throwing knife EVER!” Tyler said, removing his juggernaut helmet.

I looked down at Gayans once normal looking body, now torn in twain and bloody. For the first time in my life I feared dying, I feared the emptiness of never achieving my goals, the fear of failing my friends, the failure of failing.

“I guess we should give him a proper burial.” Mike said

“Okay…” Blue Breeze said, there was an awkward moment of silence.

“Okay you can do that Blue Breeze; I don’t want to touch him…” Mike said, Mike and I headed back into the house before the stunned weather pony could object.

“Perfect timing foal” The doctor said “I just transported your friend to my friend in Stalliongrad, are you ready to leave?”

“Hang on doc” I said, I turned to Mike and made my voice a whisper “Should we really go? Why didn’t anyone else want to go?”

“I don’t care, as long as I can get away from fucking beavers with flow and hot farmer daughters and get into the city.” Mike responded

I gave a nod, I was half sad half relieved No one else was coming. It still felt like an adventure, but still a dangerous one.

“Daring Do, Blue Breeze are you coming?” I asked again.

“Stalliongrad? Hay no” Blue Breeze said “I’m just going to get back home, to Ponyville”

“Wait you are going to Ponyville?” I asked, I wanted to ask him about Marshal and Sam, but I didn’t know there pony names, and I wasn’t about to give myself away.

“Stalliongrad?” Daring Do asked “I’ll take my chances on the road, you colts go ahead though, and maybe we can meet up again later”

“What’s wrong with Stalliongrad?” Mike asked

“Can I come?” Ayan asked, so he just spawned somehow again...

“No, you tried to kill us…several times” I said

“BUT I SAVED YOUR LIVES!” Ayan said

“True, but your still annoying as fuck” Tyler said

“Fine, I’ll like leave you alone though, k?”

“Fine” Mike said with a sigh “Shoot us there doc”

The doc gave us an impish shrug “Good luck, You 3 can go first, then you 2 can go next. Try and not get killed”

Before I could ask for further information I was sent spiraling into whiteness before arriving to my destination.

Russian Equestria!

The next thing I saw was a brick building. I turned my head to study my analysis; I was in a city, a large city at that. There were blocks upon blocks of impoverished looking apartments in all directions. The streets were dirty and shady; there were few ponies on the street at all. The area was what I expected for a slum, the world in some places always prospered, and in other places the world suffered. I almost instantly thought of Detroit, full of decaying manufacturing factories, devastated streets, and a sense of despair and depression like nowhere else.

I studied the sign to the brick building. It said “Saw Bone’s Doctorial Office” The D and O of doctorial were missing and barely noticeable only by a thin black outline. I had the feeling that the place had been robbed, but there was no sign of other damages, well it could be worse…we could be in Newark!

“I guess this is the place” Mike said “Let’s head in”

I took point and cautiously opened the door into the doctor’s office. It looked strikingly similar to the other doctor’s office; there was a grey lobby (Which at one point must have looked squeaky eggshell white) that was desolate, and a narrow hallway in the center. There was no receptionist and there was complete silence.

“Hello, is anyone here?” I asked; waiting for a response, but only hearing my echo.

That was when I noticed one room had a light on. It was obvious considering that most of the windows were boarded shut and the lights were off. I walked inside and saw a thing over by Conor. He had a scalpel in hand and was just about to cut into Conor’s flank.

“I WASN’T STEALING A KIDNEY!” The mysterious life form said, dropping the scalpel and turning to confront me.

“Okay…” I said “Is he okay doc?”

“Well Patches did what he could; I’ll send him to Canterlot where they have a real hospital. Give him 6 months and he will be back to normal. He has a serious condition called stucko pliotropilicouslsticalomitacalonic stufficom, or a coma.” Saw Bones said

“….The other doctor said the exact same thing…” I said

“Can we go to Canterlot too?” Mike asked, popping his white head into the room.

“Too expensive” He said tersely

The room seemed just as run down and bleak as the lobby and outside. Everything seemed dirty; there were no lollipops and smiles here, just a kidney stealing monster thing. This “Patches” seemed a lot like a pegasus; he had wings, but had shaggy hair. His body was brown and he had a white furred head with a once golden beak, he also had lethal looking talons instead of hooves.

“What’s the matter?” Mike asked, he must have noticed that this place was worse than Newark “Aren’t doctors supposed to have like customers?”

“Gryphons don’t live very long out here, we are treated like aliens here in Stalliongrad” Patches said, his once pugnacious face warped into a saddened state “We fought for the Equestrians and we are treated like dirt, life is funny sometimes.”

“What happened?” I asked, I hadn’t read about a war very lately, was this incriminating?

“You foal probably weren’t born yet” The Gryphon said “It was maybe 30 years ago that fighting occurred again at the Silver Fall outpost when the Equestrians took over the Iron Wing outpost and the surrounding area  on the other side of the waterfall. We were told that if we fought for the Equestrians we could live here in our own city here in Equestria. The Equestrians won but we never got what we were promised, we now live in a ghetto where we are discriminated against by the Equestrians.”

“Shit happens” Tyler said, whenever Tyler found a parental figure he had to piss it off.

“You’re not from around here are you?” Patches asked “Of course you’re not, your ponies in the middle of the Gryphon ghetto. AKA, you’re fucked. You better learn how to survive in here.” Patches said “Go out and find something to do, I’ll get this colt down to some smuggling buddies and get him to Canterlot Hospital”

“Nico make sure this guy doesn’t steal any kidneys okay?” Mike said, Nico gave a nod and stood by Conor.

“Fine” Patches said “Enjoy your stay in hell”

That was done with

We were back outside now; we seemed to have the day to ourselves all of a sudden. I also noticed that Ayan was….looking at me again through that damn juggernaut suit, hopefully he wouldn’t try and kill us again. Wait didn’t we specifically tell him NOT to follow us?

“Sup” Ayan said

“Harrison, get out” Mike said

“But why!!!!!!!” Ayan moaned “I helped you out”

“But your Harrison, you make serous things stupid” Tyler responded

“I doubt it” Ayan said, just then he fell onto the street and got hit by a speeding wagon, the wheel going like a saw right on Ayan’s neck, killing him. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN!

“This is why we don’t let Harrison do serious stuff!” Dan said

“…Wait how’d he even get into Equestria?” I asked

There was an instant silence; we kind of forgot that he hadn’t come with us.

“Hey guys…” Dan said, attempting to change the conversation “Anyone notice that these Gryphon’s seem kind of violent?”

It would make sense, considering this place was worse than Newark

“Yea…” Mike said

“Could this be like…? Equestrian Russia?” Dan asked

It made sense; the Russians are put through shit and now hate everyone else! We found Equestrian Russians.

“But if we are ponies, and they are Gryphons and they are Russian like, how will we survive?” I asked

“We must blend in” Dan said “Observe”. He looked over at a hefty looking female Gryphon walking down the street. Dan flew up to her at lightning speed and kicked her square in the stomach, she spat out blood before dropping to the ground, clutching her stomach.

“FUCK YEA BOI! WE ARE AWESOME! FUCK COMMUNISM! WE ARE BETTER THEN ALL YOU BITCHES! FATTY FATTY FATTY FATTY FATTY!” Dan screamed in a boisterous, obtrusive, volatile tone.

“My baby!” The Gryphon said before her head dropped onto the cement. She wasn’t fat, she was just like pregnant.

“Dan you are a fucking retard” Mike said “She wasn’t fat, she was pregnant”

There was an awkward silence

“So?” Dan asked

“You probably killed her!” Mike said

The awkward silence appeared again

“O”

“So what should we do now?” I asked

“Wait hang on, we are in a city!” Mike said, had he actually just realized that?

“Yea…” I said

“I’m going to go find the record company and get my first album” Mike said. Did he just expect to steal all of Lil Wayne and Eminem’s stuff just like that? Mike has never even rapped before!

“It isn’t that easy Mike” I said “You don’t even sing”

“Believe me, watch their faces” Mike said “Let’s go right now”

“You guys go” Dan said “Me and Tyler might go learn how to be Russian”

“Okay, good luck with that you Irishmen” Mike joked

“Fine…Jew” Dan said in a snide voice

We seldom brought race/religion into insults but when we did it usually got really nasty.

“Okay let’s go Mike, come on…” I said, trying to stop a Russian altercation

“Fine, fine, fine; when I get my first platinum you are going to be fucked!” Mike said

“Game on!” Dan said

While listening to this I couldn’t help but listen to Mike’s tone. I had the strange feeling he was actually going to go through on this; did he actually expect to be the rap Jesus just like that though? Either way it would be a hell of a ride.

“Vespi…” Mike said “I think that dude actually steals kidneys

My eyes grew to the size of saucers “But how?”

“Well I’m pretty sure Conor had two…”

Note to self, kidney stealers are bucking crazy

Why you don't go to a Russian Gym

Dan studied the sky in an attempt to tell the time, it looked to be morning, perhaps 8 or 9 o’clock AM. There were more and more ponies on the streets and less and less Gryphons prowling in the back alley ways. Dan feared the entire city was one massive slum, but they finally managed to walk past the worst neighborhoods; ever since then the condition had been improving. Now there were small shops and stores on either side of the street, there weren’t destroyed or vandalized, nor looted nor burned down; they were in working condition and customers walked in and out.

“So what are we going to do for food?” Tyler asked his stomach hissing from the lack of food

“Great we should have asked the doctor to let us keep the suits! We could have sold them!” Nico said

“True” Dan said, looking around a little in no general direction.

“So what are we going to do?” Tyler asked

“We could…you know….rob someone” Nico said

“We’ll go to jail!” Tyler interjected. Dan immediately shoved his hoof in Tyler’s mouth so no one could hear them

“Want to go to like a gym or something?” Nico asked

“Maybe they’ll have a basketball court or something?” Tyler said

“Maybe” Nico said

“Fine let’s go” Dan said, already walking down the street forcing Tyler and Nico to run to catch up with him.

It took time to find a gym, considering they didn’t know shit about where they were and were too afraid to ask anyone. The gym was a modern looking building made of cement with large quantities of glass allowing you to see inside. In the front there were a dozen or so treadmills set in a line, there occupants running at various levels on them. Behind the treadmill ponies Dan could see other machines with ponies (And several Gryphons) on them.

Tyler opened the glass door and they all entered the lobby. IN front of them was a receptionist and a legion of healthy vegetation in pottery.

“Hello welcome to Strong Hoof Fitness how can I help you?” She asked politely

“Yea we want to use like the gym?” Tyler asked

“Sure are you a member?” She asked, typing on her computer as if she already knew their names and other personal information.

“No, we aren’t” Nico said

“Would you like to become members of the gym?” She asked in her still polite manner

“Sure?” They all said in unison

“Great” She said, clicking her mouse and typing some more “What are your names?”

“Dan” The word almost fell out of his mouth. He had forgotten their one rule, Tyler and Nico gave him concerned glances but they did not object.

“Tyler” Tyler said. For once Tyler looked remotely concerned, he was relieved when the receptionist didn’t give him any 2nd glance but instead turned to Nico.

“And your name?” She asked

“Adolf Hitler” Nico said with a small smirk. Dan and Tyler looked at him shocked. Nico was more or less quiet and wasn’t one to start jokes; that was usually left to Tyler or Mike. Dan stifled his smirk immediately and looked forward as if business was usual.

“Great, smile!” The receptionist said, pointing the computers camera on Tyler, Dan, and then Adolf Hitler one at a time. Then she handed the 3 their laminated cards.

“Here you go, enjoy!” She said

“Thank you!” Adolf Hitler said

The 3 walked past the receptionist and opened the door into the main room, glass covered the length of the room and the treadmillers were still at business, except one fat pony was eating a candy bar while sitting down on the curb of the treadmill.

“So now what do we do?” Tyler asked

The 3 looked around and saw how the gym was broken up. The machines were all in the central area, in the middle they were positioned to look like a mechanical jungle. The outskirts of the room were left for walking space. From one room Tyler could see a yoga class going on, from another room he saw the mares locker room (Hot dayum) and the final room was closed, 2 Gryphon sentinels though stood outside of the door.

“Come on let’s go” Tyler said, walking towards the 2 Gryphons and the mysterious door.

The 2 Gryphons didn’t apprehend Tyler when he opened the door, but rather allowed him to enter, Dan and Nico were in hot pursuit and followed Tyler inside the room. It was a fight gym, in the middle of the room was a octagon, 2 Gryphons were duking it out with talons inside. The rest of the room was room for bystanders, most of whom were Gryphons. In the corner was a flag that slightly resembled the Russian flag. It had a blue background and in front was a white Gryphon’s silhouette, under it read “Gryphons > Ponies”

“Who’s next?” A tough looking Gryphon asked, one of the Gryphon combatants was being dragged out of the pentagon….quite classy.

“Nico fight” Dan whispered

Nico pondered on the idea for a moment, it was true in human form he was far superior athletically wise compared to most of his friends, but he had his doubts. Especially since instead of being a white middle-class teenager he was a pony fighting violent Russian like gangsters.

“Fine” He said in a hushed tone to Dan “I’ll fight!”

“Okay what is your name ugly?” The Gryphon questioned

“Adolf Hitler!” Nico shouted

“Okay Adolf Shitler WHO WANTS TO FIGHT THIS FAGGOT OVAH HERE!” The asshole Gryphon asked to the public. The ground became to tremble, something like an explosion was coming from the back room. Everyone turned around to see the biggest white pony, his body disfigured with massive muscles, marching out of the back room.

“I’ll fight him!” He shouted

“Okay Adolf Hitler vs. Snowflake!”

Nico shat a brick, right then and there

“….So where’d’ that come from?” Dan asked, studying the brick

“No clue”

***

Nico or better known at the moment as “Adolf Hitler” was scared to death. He was fighting the Chuck Norris of ponies. He was so scared he almost didn’t hear the bell ding

“FIGHT!” The Gryphon shouted

Snowflake jumped into the air and squashed Nico in 10 seconds flat. Nico was flattened like a pancake under the massive weight of Snowflake.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAA!” He heard the white monster scream from atop. Nico tried everything to get under Snowflake. Nico finally managed to roll away from him, only for moments later to be kicked in the nuts….hard.

“MEINE GENITALIEN!” Nico screamed in German, falling down in pain

“WHOS NEXT!?” Snowflake screamed

“Let’s kick his ass Dan” Tyler said, on 3 the two ran straight onto the pentagon and into the ring.

Their plan failed yet again, Snowflake head-butted Tyler, sending him into the wall and leaving him only with Dan. He grabbed Dan by the stomach and threw him into the nearby wall.

“YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Snowflake screamed.

Snowflake in his blind fury broke through the cage and attacked all the bystanders, meanwhile Nico, Dan, and Tyler sneaked away to the basketball courts to escape the mayhem.

“So what happened after we all got our asses kicked?” Nico asked

“No clue” Dan said, making a three-point shot “Why did you say you were Adolf Hitler?”

“Bored” Nico said with an impish shrug

Just then the door broke open and half a dozen policemen ran into the room and handcuffed the three.

“What the hell!” Nico screamed, using his strength to push back the first policemen, only to be Tazered by 3 more; after witnessing their friend squirming on the ground Dan and Tyler went without a fight.

The Police is Mean :(

Tyler, Dan, and Nico were going to be hoarded into a Policemen’s wagon (Apparently they don’t have cars in Equestria) with several other Gryphons from the fight gym. While being hauled out of the gym Dan looked in horror to see several SWAT ponies chasing after the rampaging steroid induced monster known as Snowflake.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Dan heard, watching as a SWAT soldier’s corpse getting hurled out from the broken window where the once tranquil treadmillers stood.

“What did we do?” Nico (Who had just came to) questioned the closest police officer, in all there were 5 of them, one guard each of them, the one who had tazed Nico, and a newcomer dressed in a strikingly similar SWAT suit. The main armor was a grey and blue ballistic vest, on his head the stallion had a black riot helmet with a silver visor, hiding his eyes.

“How dare you treat Adolf Hitler this way!” Nico howled, he didn’t know why he was still playing the part, but at the moment it was necessary considering his name was on…errr…documents.

“Relax Mr. Hitler we just need to talk to you” The SWAT pony said “No one is arrest yet, we just need to sort this out, okay?”

Nico relaxed for a moment, the police are always right!

“Thank you” Nico said he shifted his hooves around to try and scratch his face, instantly the pony guarding him had his baton out.

“RESISTING APPREHENSION!” He screamed while clubbing Nico relentlessly. Nico fell to the ground, the officer who had tazed him before had his baton out now and was clubbing Nico mercilessly.

“Dude you can’t just do that!” Tyler said

“ATTEMPT TO HELP A CRIMINAL!” The other officer said, punching Tyler in the stomach and unleashing the wrath of his baton atop him.

“Okay I won’t do anything!” Dan said instinctively

“RAPE!” The last officer hollered

“O come on that doesn’t even make s-“

The officer tazed Dan before grabbing his baton and beating him and the others senseless; all the while the SWAT pony looked at his comrades with a “lol wut” face.

***

Nico woke up in a daze of confusion, he was moving. He looked around to see that he was in the police wagon, being towed in chains to the police station.

Dan and Tyler were awake now, licking their police inflicted wounds. No one (Including the 3 Gryphons they shared the wagon with) talked, for the moment.

“Excuse me good sir, but might I please ask, why am I being sent to the police headquarters with you fine gentlemen?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP FANCINGTON!” The Gryphons screamed, the two officers in front also screamed as well.

“I apologize good sirs, I just have the queer feeling that I had nothing to do with the accident that occur earlier this morning!” Fancington said.

“Your mom has queer feelings!” Tyler said, it was a mediocre joke at best but everyone still went “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” for no reason. Nico knew the type immediately, the prime target. You could say whatever the fuck you want to him and he won’t fight back, he is so hated that the unfunniest thing you say to him is instantly hilarious.

“I am so sorry good sir but what too you intend to inquire about towards my dear mother?” Fancington asked

“Your mom” Tyler said, everyone started laughing again

“Good sir! I advise you keep thy ears open and your mouth crystal clear shut or I shall have to ensue!” Fancington said

“Fancington if you say one more thing I’m coming back there and tazing you!” The SWAT pony said. Dan, Tyler, and Nico all had a strange sort of respect for the pony. Although all of his friends had clubbed them senseless he had just stood there and didn’t give a single fuck.

Tyler studied the Gryphon, he looked nothing like a Gryphon or a Russian. His fur was well tamed and groomed unlike the other Gryphon’s fur. On his head was a black top hat and on his eye was a fancy looking monocle, yea this guy was obviously a douche.

“Excuse me officer, but it appears I must use the rest rooms, can we please pull over so I can use some lavatorial facilities? “ Fancington asked

“Okay that is it fuck it!” The SWAT pony said, putting on a gas mask, his companion followed suit. Once both of their masks were on, the SWAT pony tossed a canister of tear gas into the back.

Well...the short story is…..they vomited….a lot….and one of the Gryphons died…

***

Nico sat antsy in his chair in the Police Office, sitting next to him was Tyler and Dan, both looking just as concerned about the predicament they were in. Nico wasn’t sure if it was the fact he was going to be arrested or the tear gas that was making him emotional. He had no clue on what was about to happen, and he couldn’t control it either.

They all sat there out in the hallway on their uncomfortable seats in the police station. None of them had been in this type of trouble, sure they had been given detentions and even a suspension or two (Tyler and his PDAs :P) but never being arrested. What bothered them more was the fact they didn’t have any legal documents, for all they knew, the police could dub them terrorists or spies.

Everyone was too upset to talk, the one Gryphon was dead. I guess too much toxic gas isn’t good for you, but it didn’t really matter since he was just a backup character in their world….you know….like he didn’t really matter.

“Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” Tyler said, trying to break the ice “How about dem Giants?”

“No” Dan said “No Tyler”

The next thing they expected was an officer to come by and scoff at them, but instead the double doors of the police station swung open, in came a friendly looking police officer, a teacher like pony and a score of little colts and fillies, some so young they didn’t even have their cutie marks.

“Welcome to the Precinct 5 Police Station! I am Officer Brutality” The Officer said, even though his name was Officer Brutality he sounded like a clerk at Lowes instead.

“Here is where we keep criminal who have commited crimes and are awating for their crimes to be looked over by our police force, remember colts! Don’t turn out like these losers!” Officer  B said, gesturing to Nico, Dan, and Tyler. All the little kids laughed.

“What did you loooosers do?” A little fat kid said

“Shut the fuck and go home!” Dan said quickly

“Watch your mouth!” The officer hissed

“Sorry, Shut the fuck up and PLEASE go home” Dan said

Officer B gave a disappointed frown and the foal followed him into a small classroom, right before that though, he turned around and asked with a smile.

“Hey, would you 3 mind helping out with a few demonstrations?” Officer B asked

“What kind of demonstrations?” Dan asked shrewdly, they had all watched the Hangover.

“Nothing really, just showing the foal some cop equipment” Officer B said. They didn’t trust Officer B at all, but his kind face and warm smile put their guard down.

“Fine” Dan said, getting up. The three followed Officer B into a classroom, apparently made for educating kids about the life of a big time city police officer. Officer B opened the door politely for the tree, before closing it behind him and locking it.

“So foal what do you want to learn about today?” Officer B said, quickly Officer B flipped out a walkie talkie, Tyler was closest and could barely hear the voice, but it was apparent that the officer was needed.

“Sorry, I have to run kiddies” Officer B said with a frown, all the foal awwwed and pouted

“Fine, I can show you one piece of cop equipment, but then I got to go, okay?” Officer B said, glad to hear the cheers of the small foal

“Can you show us your tazer?” The fat ass asked

“Well I can’t just tazer anyone-“ Officer B began

“TAZER! TAZER! TAZER!” The kids began to cheer

“Fingerprints! Fingerprints! Fingerprints!” Tyler shouted, before  he was cheered out by the foal

“Okay let’s try the tazer!” Officer B said, he brought his hoof to his holster and brought out a little black- o son of a fucking bitch

“There are two ways to use a tazer” Officer B said, slowly trotting towards Tyler “You can get up close and personal”

Just then Officer B brought the tazer right up to Tyler’s neck and tazed, Tyler seizure uncontrollably for a couple

moments before falling over, momentarily spazing out while on the ground.

All the kids began to cheer

“Or you can use it form long-range, who wants to taze someone?” Officer B asked, every foals hoof went up instantly

“How about you young mare?” Officer B said, a young pink filly came to the front of the classroom and was handed the tazer, Nico was next.

“Just point, aim, and shoot” Officer B said.

“I don’t think a little baby isn’t going to shoot N-“ Tyler began

The trigger was shot, and a tazer went right for Hitler’s nuts

“DAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HITLERS NUTS HAVE BEEN FRIED!” Nico screamed in agony. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Nico didn’t have pants on, or the fact that he was still arrested but in twice as much pain as before in the tear gas.

“Wow, I guess she can shoot” Tyler said

“NUT SHOT! NUT BUCKING SHOT!” Officer B said obviously amused. Every foal, the teacher, and even Dan was amused, but of course there was that little fat kid.

“One more volunteer then im out of here, who’s next?” Officer B announced, once again every hoof in the classroom rose up, and of course, the little fat kid was chosen.

The entire world slowed down for Dan, in front of him the small fat kid approached, ever so slowly to make the intensity massive. Officer B handed him the tazer and then he strutted to point-blank range to Dan. The class went silent for a moment.

“Come at me bro” Dan said, just then the trigger was pulled and the tazer jumped right onto Dan’s face, Dan had been came at.

“owwww that had to hurt!” Officer B said, most of the kids were now laughing their flanks off, or some of the girls were recoiling from the site of police brutality.

“So who wants to get some ICE CREAM!?” The teacher shouted

And now not only were those 3 gentlecolts arrested, but now they had been tazed in the head, on the neck, and on the balls.

Mike is now Eminem

I looked up into the tranquil blue sky, it was a cloudy day but the sun was slowly beginning to peak its head out from behind the clouds. Life was being usual as usual…as usual.

“So how are we going to do this? Do you just think you can pull every rap song out of your ass just like that?” I asked

“I got a few down. Not Afraid, Remember the Name, Low, that window to the wall song, you know good rap” Mike said. I now knew what his plan was, basically just take all the rap songs from Earth and call him his own. Actually wasn’t a bad idea, just like I could make amazing movie after amazing movie or amazing book after amazing book. It actually wasn’t a bad idea…but how would Mike be able to tweak these songs when he doesn’t even have them on paper? If he was going to go talk about drugs and guns (Which I doubt Equestrians have) people would become curious.

“Relax I know what I’m doing, we just need to find a boom box…thing and a stage, which can’t be hard.” Mike said with a sense of excitement

“Where could we find loudspeakers…” Mike said to himself.

“Maybe ask for directions?” I asked

“Vespi” Mike said, his tone going from excited to aggravated “Russians are very volatile, for all we know they could start another war!”

“Over that…” I said sardonically

“Over that” Mike responded.

We continued our search, mainly focusing on nearby bars or nightclubs, but to no avail. That is when we noticed something much better. Little by little, the apartments became less and less impoverished, fewer Gryphons hid in the alleys and the streets were now populated by almost entirely nice looking ponies. We were going into the pony section of the city obviously.

Eventually we made it to what I thought was like the skyscraper zone. You guessed it; there were skyscrapers, and a lot of them, we had moved from the poor section of Stalliongrad to the more metropolitan part. There was so many skyscrapers it was amazing, so many kinds of all different shapes and sizes. One was labeled as “Dream Catcher’s Recording Studios – Stalliongrad”

“Shall we?” Mike asked, opening the door for me like a true gentlemen (Or gentlecolt).

“Why not” I said

The lobby of the recording studio was much more refreshing then the doctor’s lobby. It was well lighted and adeptly beautified. A pink Earth Pony in a suit was stationed behind a desk working busily at a computer, so they have pony computers?

“I got this” Mike whispered in my ear

“Welcome to Dream Catcher’s Recording Studios how can I help you?” She asked

“Yea, my name is Mike but you can call me Poninem, or Slim Pony, or Marshal Pony, or just the white kid from D12 pony, or just pony Poninem 12 Slim Marshal Pony Pony white kid…pony” Mike said, adding in a shit ton of unnecessary “Pony”.

“I’m sorry but to my knowledge we are not accepting any new applicants” The pink mare said plainly “We’ll have to ask you to leave”

“LIKE HELL I AM! RUN FOR IT!” Mike screamed, he ran past the lobbyists deck and made a dash for a nearby door, the second he was about to break the door open it magically opened, slamming Mike into the nearby wall.

“What the devil was that?” I heard. The voice was that of a whiny Englishmen. A light blue unicorn walked through the opening in the wall, he was wearing a pair of douche bag like sunglasses.

“Yo are you one of the producer guys?” Mike asked, I actually found it amusing when he spoke ghetto.

“And who might you be?” The mysterious pony asked “And yes I am Dream Catcher, and THIS, THIS is my studio and what do you want?” O great pony Simon Cowell

“Mister Dream Catcher, my name is Mike but you can call me Poninem, or Slim Pony, or Marshal Pony, or just the white kid from D12 pony, or just-“

“For fucks sake Mike” I shouted from across the room, Mike turned around and nodded his head quickly.

“I can be the biggest star in Equestria, if you give me a chance” Mike said with a look of confidence. Through another door on the opposite side of the lobby two burly looking security guards ran inside, one wielding a Taser. We had two

endings here. The ending where Mike gets a shot or the ending where Mike gets shocked…

“Fine I have 30 minutes until my next meeting, follow me, and don’t. Touch. Anything. Do you understand me?” Dream Catcher said in his impatient voice. Mike gave an energetic nod and jumped in joy. I ran over to Mike and followed him through a shiny white hallway towards a fancy looking elevator. I hopped on the elevator just in time.

The elevator had a red carpet and had a wall made completely out of glass so you could see Stalliongrad. I never really had a fear of heights but I was beginning to feel a little bit more and more concerned with every level we escalated.

“So exactly do you do lad? For Celestia’s sake you better not be another DJ” Dream Catcher asked

“Rap” Mike said tersely

“Rap? Enlighten me.” Dream Catcher said

“Music that comes from the soul, that is 10x better then techno” Mike said, he was doing a nice job of stay calm but I could notice he was beginning to sweat and look pasty.

“Interesting” Dream Catcher said. The door opened to a recording studio “Show me what you got”

In the recording room was a white unicorn and a mixing board. She wore large sunglasses and had flamboyant almost gaudy multi-colored blue hair. Dream Catcher walked towards a desk covered in equipment and pulled a microphone to his face.

“I’m sorry Vinyl Scratch, but we are going to need the room for a little bit. Can you stay around for 15 minutes or so?”

Vinyl Scratch looked up from her DJ station and gave a nod, she walked towards the door and magically opened it.

“Show me what you got” Dream Catcher said to Mike

Mike nodded and cautiously walked into the room past the DJ. He levitated a microphone over towards him (As the sole unicorn in our group we urged him to study some basic magic skills) and grabbed a set of headphones.

“I’m…going to need a beat” Mike said

“Okay, Vinyl Scratch on second though can you help us out for a quick moment please?” Dream Catcher said

I took a seat on a nearby foldable chair next to dream Catcher and eagerly waited for Mike to explain an entire song.

“Okay so it starts like…well it is like” Mike began, fumbling on how to word it

“Don’t worry we understand” Dream Catcher said “Take your time”

9 Hours later

“OKAY DO WE BLOODY HAVE IT!” Dream Catcher screamed I jumped up; I had fallen asleep in my chair maybe 2 hours into everything.

“Yup I think we are set” Mike said “Hit it Vinyl”

Vinyl responded by hitting a button and the background music came in for “Not Afraid” by Eminem. I was stunned; Mike actually was able to explain all of that in only 9 hours. Now the huge moment, could he sing it? Probably not since hes Mike and-

(Hit it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s&list=FLYy7AyUe0wtuIKz3HTC3pRQ&index=37&feature=plpp\_video)

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

To take a stand, to take a stand

(Yeah, it's been a ride)

Everybody, everybody

(I guess I had to)

Come take my hoof, come take my hoof

(Go to that place to get to this one)

We'll walk this world together through the storm

(Now some of you)

Whatever weather, cold or warm

(Might still be in that place)

Just lettin' you know that you're not alone

(If you're tryin' to get out)

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

(Just follow me, I'll get you there)

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em

But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em

'Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causing mayhem

When I say I'ma do something, I do it, I don't give a damn what you think

I'm doin' this for me, so fuck the world

Feed it beans, it's gassed up if it thinks it's stopping me

I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtedly

And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony

No if, ands, or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he

From "Infinite" down to that last "Relapse" album

He's still shittin' whether he's on salary, paid hourly

Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him

Whichever comes first, for better or worse

He's married to the game, like a fuck-you for Christmas

His gift is a curse, forget the earth, he's got

The urge to pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

To take a stand, to take a stand

Everybody, everybody

Come take my hand, come take my hand

We'll walk this route together through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin' you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

Okay, quit playin' with the scissors and shit and cut the crap

I shoudldn't have to rhyme these words in a rhythm for you to know it's a wrap

You said you was the king, you lied through your teeth

For that fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped

And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back

I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact

Let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD, was "eh"

Perhaps I ran the max and since hit the ground

Relax, I ain't goin' back to that now

All I'm tryin' to say is get back, click clack, pow

'Cause I ain't playin' around, it's the game called circlin'

I don't know how, I'm way too rough to back down

But I think I'm still tryin' to figure this crap out

Thought I had it mapped out, but I guess I didn't

This fucking black cloud still follows me around

But it's time to exorcise these demons, these motherfuckers are doing jumping-jacks now

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

To take a stand, to take a stand

Everybody, everybody

Come take my hand, come take my hand

We'll walk this route together through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin' you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons

I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Tryin' to put my life back together right now

Okay so he is doing okay, I doubt he’ll finish it though-

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me

Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally for you

So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through

And don't even realize what you did, believe me you

I've been through the ringer, but take it through little to the middle finger

I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of

My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers

And drop dead, no more beef flingers

No more drama, from now on I promise to only focus

On handlin' my responsibilities as a father

I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my filly

And raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it

'Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club

Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquour counter up

'Cause I'm raisin' the bar, I shoot for the moon

But I'm too busy gazin' at stars I feel amazin'

And I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid

To take a stand, to take a stand

Everybody, everybody

Come take my hand, come take my hand

We'll walk this route together through the storm

Whatever weather, cold or warm

Just lettin' you know that you're not alone

Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

I was stunned, 100% stunned, 1000% stunned. Vinyl Scratch had a stunned look on her face, the bottom of her mouth ajar. Dream Catcher looked as though he had just been struck by lightning.

“My son, YOU ARE GOING TO BE A STAR!” Dream Catcher shouted in shock and awe. Mike’s smile reached from one end of the room to the other, I would of never knew the same kid who mouthed the lyrics to pretty much every rap song he had ever heard was the same person who was a pony (Never would of expected that one) and is going to be a pony star.

“Thanks man, I got other songs too that are pretty good” Mike said

“This one song could make you more money than any of these crappy DJ, sorry Vinyl” Dream Catcher said, Vinyl gave a unaffected shrug and allowed him to continue

“How many other songs?”  Dream Catcher asked excitedly

“Like 10” Mike said. Dream Catcher made a “squee” sound.

“Let’s just practice this first song for now, I am finding you a gig and you are singing that song! YOU ARE A STAR!” Dream Catcher said excitedly “Tonight, I’m going to find you a quick place right now!”

Repercussions

It was maybe 9 PM by now, darkness was in the sky and everything seemed even more shady. Dream Catcher had found us a quick gig at a small bar on what was called “The Gryphon Side”. Dream Catcher didn’t seem very enthusiastic about the place itself but he believed that Mike would become a success. Fortunately Vinyl agreed to accompany us to the bar, as she was the only person who knew how to use the DJ eqipmentatoryial stuff….whatever you call it.

Vinyl seemed strangely tense.

“What is the matter Vinyl?” I asked. I was sure why I was in this type of neighborhood with Mike. Frankly I was tired, even though it was only 9 PM, but it didn’t really help knowing id have to rent a hotel (With no cash) or sleep on the sidewalk

.

“Nothing just I don’t like being in this…neighborhood” Vinyl said, her voice barely a whisper which made no sense considering we were outside in an alley alone.

“Yea things seem pretty ghetto like over here” Mike confessed “Hopefully after this performance I can get a deal or something and go to Canterlot”

“Hey Ugly!” A drunken Gryphon said, popping his head though the door “you’re on”

“Thanks faggot” Mike said. We pushed past the (Obviously) drunken Gryphon and Mike took his place on stage. Vinyl went over to the CD DJ whatever thing and put on a disc. I stood half in the door and half outside anxiously waiting for Mike to start singing. It was somewhat cold but not below freezing. I had to admit I am surprised no one had invented rap already. This place was such a pile of shit there must be some sort of art that was inspired by all of this.

I studied the crowd first though, it was a mixture of Gryphons and ponies the ratio being 70% to 30%, advantage Gryphons. The crowd seemed obnoxiously loud and rowdy from the start, cursing, throwing beer bottles, and booing right as soon as Mike entered onto the stage.

“Hey, hey, hey, FAGGOTS!” Mike shouted finally, everyone became quiet.

“So here is a song I wrote by myself, and I thing you faggots will like it. It’s Not Afraid”

Vinyl pressed a button and the track began to play. She then left the bar and disappeared into the dark night. The only other pony I knew now was Mike, and he was in front of me singing to a crowd of pissed off Russian Gryphons.

It was apparent that Mike wanted this to happen. He looked nervous but he seemed to remember the lines and he managed to keep his head. Mike sang, sang like a bird, and sang like a bird on steroids, sang like a bird on steroids who is smoking Jesus’s own grass.

The crowd’s feelings changed rapidly. The once rowdy crowd changed into a quiet crowd; then into a cheering crowd, then into a rapturous crowd of clapping, cheering, and noise making. They loved it.

By the end of the song Mike looked happy as can be. The crowd was cheering, clapping their hooves and talons. For once I saw the good side of ghetto.

“Thank you!” Mike said

“Wait hang on good sir I just have to thank you” A Gryphon called out, waving his hand over his head to get Mike’s attention. “I just need to thank you for telling us Gryphon folk what we have to do”

“What is that bro?” Mike asked smiling, nothing could ruin this moment.

“I think I speak for all Gryphons when I saw WE MUST KILL ALL THE PONIES AND BURN THIS SHIT UP!” The Gryphon grabbed his beer bottle and smashed it against a nearby Earth ponies head; he dropped to the table head first. I watched in horror as the almost feral like amount of Gryphons rose up and began to attack the ponies in the audience. The pony bartender ran into the back room and came out with a wooden crossbow, several Gryphons made a run on him, one was shot and dropped dead but the other 3 made it across to him before he could reload.

Russians, why you so crazy?

It was apparent that the Gryphons would be victorious, hopelessly outnumbered most of the ponies made a dash to the door, only to be blocked. In the corner of the bar a fire started, yellow and orange flames were leaping in all directions. Things were deteriorating fast.

“Okay Mike time to get the fuck out of here” I said, Mike and I made a dash for the door

Mike jumped from the stage and made a dash for the door with me, fortunately the Gryphons were now crowding around the few remaining ponies by the front entrance.

“Maybe this isn’t too bad Vespi” Mike said, trying to be optimistic

Just then a lone Gryphon carrying a torch and waving a baseball bat turned the corner and began screaming out

“HEY EVERYONE WE ARE FIGHTING BACK AGAINST THE PONIES!”

While this happened, Mike and I hid behind a dumpster in the dark alley, bad choice (As usual). Gryphons began to pour out of every building and an orgy of havoc began. Gryphons went around blindly burning and looting. Wait… aren’t these their own houses? O well hopefully we’ll figure something out before we get mobbed.

If we stayed where we were we would be eventually found and beaten senseless, our only option was to make it to the Pony side of the city and alert the populace.

“We got to hurry” I murmured, careful to not alert any Gryphons around us

“Yea we got to get going” Mike said

Sorry for the short chapter, getting back into writing though ;)

Let's make some pelts

Every door was locked and the windows were boarded. Stalliongrad was at war. A storm was brewing; the wind almost felt like a gale, it was raining heavily. It was almost like hell.

Mike and I had made it to the Pony side of Stalliongrad in time before they completely blocked it off. It wasn’t easy evading dozens of angry Gryphons but somehow we managed, nah im kidding, I’ll give you a hint; it involved an ice cream cart and a flamethrower.  We ran inside a local police station, only to realize every police officer in Stalliongrad was out in the streets clubbing Gryphons. Apparently ponies knew about “Deputizing”. The second we walked into the police station the two available police officers rushed towards us.

“You two” A Police officer shouted he was wearing a blue vest and had a black riot helmet on; in his hoof was a baton “Grab a Baton and a helmet, we need everypony we can!”

…I like batons…alot

The 2nd police officer ran into what seemed to be the armory and came out with two batons and two helmets (1 Helmet made especially for unicorns). I grabbed the helmet and plopped it on my head, it was surprisingly heavy. Next came the baton, the baton was the opposite of the helmet. The helmet was heavy, clunk, and meant to prevent pain, the baton was light, nimble, and meant to cause pain, I liked the baton better.

“Just stick with us and the other officer’s and you will be okay” The first officer said

“Relax we can handle ourselves” Mike said in his usual bravado

We walked outside and followed the two ponies for a couple blocks, almost losing them a couple times in the dark. That was when we saw a cluster of blue and black riot policemen in the center of a park. We were now in the semi-poor area, right on the border of it actually. If I looked back I could see the metropolis skyscrapers and homes, do another 180 and I saw rundown apartment buildings and sketchy characters all around.

“Well this is…not my fault” Mike said to me

“No it really isn’t…” I said, I was about to explain why Mike was innocent of starting a riot when I heard a voice interrupt me

“VESPI! VINYL!” I turned around to see Blue Breeze standing in front of me, wearing a helmet and carrying a baton. For a second he saw Vinyl Scratch, I didn’t realize he knew Mike’s alias.

“Blue Breeze” I exclaimed “How’d you get here?”

“I wanted to go to Manechester, but bad weather made me fly to this hell hole. This place is only like 20 miles away from New Marington too” Blue Breeze said. I looked at my wings, I forgot about those little fellers. What stopped me from just flying away from this place?

I was about to respond but I heard the sharp blast of a whistle. All the riot policemen ran towards the edge of the park. I couldn’t help but notice how few deputies there were. The “real” policemen wore protective vests and some of the unicorns had shields; the few deputies here besides us 3 just had helmets, batons, and scared facial expressions.

Thee unicorns carrying shields went out I front, forming a shield wall. The second line was made up of the experienced police officers, the third and fourth walls were made out of the deputies and the other remaining officers.

Just then Fancington walked by

“Evening gents, but I seem to have misplaced my wallet at the hands of a fellow Gryphon. Have any of you fine persons seen a pink leather wallet?” Fancington asked

No response, but someone threw a smoke bomb at him…good for them!

I looked out onto the horizon and saw a mass of white and brown. There was a rivaling army of Gryphons marching towards us. Some of the rioters were carrying crude weapons like clubs, knives, and a couple swords or spears.

“HALT IMMIDEATELY” I heard from behind. A strong looking unicorn was shouting into a microphone “YOU WILL BE MET WITH DEADLY FORCE!” The unicorn seemed to be the chief of police, instead of a riot helmet he wore a police officer’s hat and a more decorative vest instead of a protective vest. Despite the fact that he wasn’t supposed to be in the fight I had the feeling he was no elderly pansy policemen.

“We have rights you asshole!” A Gryphon shouted out

“FUCK YOUR RIGHTS BIIIYYATCH!” The stallion maturely called out, like I said.

The Gryphons stopped maybe 50 feet from us and formed their own line.

“Can’t we like tear gas them or something?” Mike asked

“Not as fun” One of the officers responded

This wasn’t going to end very well. Everyone looked at each other tensely. Then a loud inhumane screech echoed over the entire city. Something that wasn’t pony, nor human, nor Gryphon, it was a BEAVER.

“Are you shitting me…” Blue Breeze cursed in a shaky voice. The confused questions all came at once.

“What was that?”

“Where did that come from?”

“That didn’t sound too good”

“Anyone got chap stick?”

“Is it a dragon?”

That was when I noticed the Gryphons turn around, there was some screaming somewhere and it looked as though the Gryphons were fighting something. I grabbed the Commanding Officer’s binoculars and flew up a little bit, just 3 or 4 feet in the air. The Gryphon’s were fighting a horde of…BEAVERS!

“We got to help them?” I shouted

“What did you see son?” The commanding officer said

“BEAVERS! LOTS AND LOTS OF FUCKING BEAVERS!” I shouted. Everyone turned around; all their mouths were open in fear.

“The beavers from the Shaky Forest you mean?” An officer asked

“Yea those beavers” Mike said

I looked out into the Gryphon mob again, only to find the dregs of the once powerful looking army. Many of the Gryphons lay dead on the street, being ripped open by…beavers.

“O Celestia…” Someone cursed

The feral beavers soon rushed towards our shield wall. I wasn’t really afraid of being attacked dead on, but there were other roads connecting to the park, were they smart enough to try and surround us? Also, how bad was the infestation? And of course, why the FUCK are beavers just randomly going around eating people!? THERE BEAVERS!

The first wave of beavers made a lunge for the shield wall; fortunately the furry demons bounced right off the riot shields. The second row of police ponies began to club mercilessly at the beavers through the few holes in the wall. The batons were made to be non-lethal but before long the beavers were very little more than pelts.

The second wave was more daunting then the first, far more daunting. The first wave consisted of just stray beavers that singularly ran towards the ponies. The second wave was so thick full of beavers that the concrete and cement was barely noticeable.

It was clear some ponies were going to die. The wave hit the first line of police ponies like a storm, some of the ponies went flying backwards. The second wave was met with the second line of police ponies, followed by the third, and then finally our line.

***

“God dammit we have to leave now!” Tyler shouted, He, Nico, Dan, and the unconscious Conor were on a balloon to Canterlot, but there good friends Mike and Vespi were nowhere to be seen.

“We can’t just leave them here!” Dan protested “Come on we got to go find them!”

“Dipshit, like half the city is overrun with beavers, we have to leave NOW!” Tyler shouted, he didn’t want to leave Mike or Vespi, but he wasn’t about to die over them either.

“I’ll be fine, I can fly remember?” Dan said, unfurling his wings to give them a quick check.

“Not in this winds dumbass you’ll die!” Tyler said “And this is the last balloon out of here, we got to hurry!”

Dan felt a massive confliction, he could save his friends and meet up with his other friends later, but could die on the way…or go with his other friends and pray for the best. Dan chose option 1.

“Don’t worry I’ll be fine” Dan said. Tyler gave one glance back and hoped onto the zeppelin. There were maybe only 20 other ponies on the zeppelin, several were wounded but Conor was the worse off. Nico, Tyler, and Dan knew if he was going to survive he had to get to Canterlot.

Just as they were about to take off, Nico jumped off the balloon.

“What are you doing?” Tyler asked

“I can’t just leave Dan” Nico said “Are you coming?”

“Someone has to watch Conor though!” Tyler said, he didn’t want to be the only one not doing the chivalrous thing. So he chose to go with the “Screw responsibility let’s do something interesting for once” option. He jumped off the balloon and ran to catch up with his friends.

Escape from Stalliongrad

Things went really…really…really downhill really fast.

At one point, perhaps 15 minutes ago the Stalliongrad Precinct 5 police force in an orderly fashion was clubbing Africanized beavers in the middle of the park, but things hit the fan very fast.

Apparently beavers had somehow gotten into the sewers. So while we were preoccupied with the relentless charge of beavers on one side we had no one watching our backs (Even though we all feared we’d be outflanked). I turned around to see a swarm of beavers popping up from a manhole. I tried to make a dash to put the cover back on, but there were simply too many.

With beavers attacking from both sides the police force turned into a routing horde of disoriented ponies. I fortunately found Mike and Blue Breeze intact and we attempted to make a dash down the street towards the harbor, but beavers (As we believed) had already outflanked us, with no alternative we ran into the nearest office building and barricaded its entry.

“Is everyone okay?” I asked, I turned to see 3 ponies in front of me; Mike, Blue Breeze, and the police commander.

“I’m fine…” Blue Breeze said, his voice surprisingly unshaken

“Fine” Mike said

“Fine” The Police Commander responded. I finally got a chance to study him well; he was a little older, not by much though. A big golden star was positioned on his chest right above his heart on his navy blue vest, his helmet must have been left behind in the brawl before, and like the rest of us had small scratches and bruises from the beavers.

“Okay so…what do we do now?” I asked. We were in the building’s lobby; behind a desk was a set of elevators, there were two doors on either side of us.

“First let’s lock the area down” The Police chief said. He grabbed a nearby overturned desk and used his magic to place it in front of the door on our right. Mike did the same with the windows, using debris to cover the windows and reinforce the door; no beaver was getting through here.

“Where is everypony?” Mike asked, the entire building was a ghost town. There was no sound, the only sound coming from the mayhem on the streets.

“Evacuated” The Officer said “Most of them probably, we couldn’t get the word out fast enough, Celestia knows how many are dead.”

Fortunately our search for the first floor looked auspicious. All the windows were locked and the only other door was locked as well. There were a few weapons we salvaged including a fire axe and a crowbar, but very little else.

“So how do we get out of here?” I asked

The Officer pulled out a map from his pocket. It was a map of Stalliongrad

“Okay so basically there are two ways we are getting out of here. Since we have a gale outside I’d be impossible to try and fly out, we would have to use a boat on a harbor or a zeppelin and or balloon from the airfield, next to the harbor. Im not sure how well our zeppelins can fly though in this type of weather.”

“Couldn’t we walk?” Mike asked

“Stalliongrad is a big city; at this rate those things will outrun us; unless you can take down black magic monsters with your crowbar.” The officer said

“Well we don’t have any other choice; we got to make a run for it” Mike observed

“True, but we will be heading North anyways, once there we will think of something.” The officer said, while he was talking I quickly read his golden star, it said “Officer Copper”

“The safest way will be using the roof tops, they all connect somewhat and I doubt any beavers could get up there.” Officer Copper said

“Okay, lead the way my good fellow?” Mike asked friendly

***

I slammed the door open, for god’s sake I was finally on the roof! Why didn’t we use the god damn elevator? I had to walk 50 flights of stairs!

“Well we are on the roof now…” Officer Copper said “Time to-“

I heard a noise in the different, like a giant blade chopping through the air. It was a helicopter. Before I knew it I saw a black hawk helicopter flying towards us, it stopped right on the edge of the building and the pilot was none other than Ayan

.

“Hey Vespi! I dun invented the helicopter!”

“…HOW!?” Mike asked, Ayan was far from genius. I remember last Halloween when we went ding dong ditching we all said “Go right”, when the big fat angry guy answered Ayan ran left and ran into a wall cut himself up real bad and almost got arrested. Is this the same Harrison who just invented a helicopter?

“MAGIC!” Ayan said, snorting like a pig.

“Hey magic boy, I think your helicopter is in less than mint condition” Mike said. I took some time to study the helicopter specifically; it was actually in worse shape than I first thought. The blade itself was in by far the worst condition, it looked like it was going to fall off.

“Relax bro” Ayan said, just like a secret password the blade fell off, like legit just fell off.

The massive helicopter fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the street below

“We better go help him…” I said, Mike nodded and walked over towards me. Officer Copper and Blue Breeze looked more reluctant

“You guys coming?” I asked

The two looked at each other than Blue Breeze spoke up

“We might sit this one out, try and get to the harbor” Blue Breeze said. At first I was livid but I soon realized why they were protesting, I don’t know a person alive who would help Ayan unless they needed him, but then why were we?

“Fine” I said “Mike get on”

***

“Dan, Nico look at that!” Tyler said, they were in an office building a block away from a crash site. It wasn’t a zeppelin but a Black Hawk helicopter. Beavers were quickly converging on the site. A wispy stack of black smoke was lazily floating in the air, once the wind hit it though. The smoke stack scattered, almost looking like a palm tree in a tropical storm.

“I think that might be Ayan!” Nico said, peering through a pair of binoculars he took off a dead pony

“Better go help him, maybe he’s seen Vespi or Mike” Dan said

***

“Get on!” I ordered, the wind had lulled enough to convince me that this was a smart idea.

“Vespi are you retarded!? There is a gale going on!” Mike shouted, the wind picked up yet again. I knew this was a dumb idea, but know what a dumber idea is? Going down all those stairs again!

“Want to go down the stairs then?” I asked, Mike gave a defeated face and jumped on my back

I jumped off the skyscraper and flew, probably not the smartest thing. It was almost impossible to carry all my weight with my two wings but I didn’t really need to fly, only glide down. Then the wind picked up, Mike (Who was holding onto dear life) almost got knocked off, but grabbed my tail at the last second…the bastard he is.

Fortunately we got to the ground without becoming pony salsa. When we were about to touch down the gale hit us like a brick, sending me across the street and into a second story window. I thought I passed out, because standing there was Nico, Dan and Tyler.

“Vespi are you okay!?” I wasn’t dreaming, I felt Nico pick me up and allowed me to steady myself for a moment. Mike was up in an instant almost.

“That was awesome!” Mike said “Can I go again? Can I can I?”

“FUCK NO” I shouted tersely.

“Yup that’s Ayan alright” Nico said

“How are you sure? Maybe it is someone to rescue us” Tyler said, I seriously doubted that, then again that thing from before seems to be magical

“No it’s Ayan, see he is holding the flare backwards” Nico said, I peered into the binoculars to see Ayan on top of the downed bird waving a green flare backwards, dumbass.

“How do we get to him? There is a gale going on and there are beavers everywhere!” Tyler said, the wind was hissing so bad I saw a window crack from the sheer power. It would be impossible to fly now.

“I’ll fly” Dan said “I’m the strongest flier, it only makes sense” Dan said, Dan was never better at Nico in sports (I lost count of how many times Nico has wrecked Dan in gym soccer) but I could tell from Dan’s tone that he was serious. I had no objection; neither did Nico, he could die however he wants to.

“Good luck my son” Tyler said

“Never say that again…” Dan said, he flew through the opening in which we came in through and made a dash for Harrison. The wind was intensifying but not horizontal, vertically. It was like an updraft sending Dan higher and higher into the sky.

I lost glimpse of Dan for a minute and I felt like I had been shot, I wasn’t sure if Dan died or got sucked up by god and his cloud ninjas. The next thing I saw was the color spectrum getting butt fucked. Dan came crashing down into the sky, a tail of blue and yellow coming from behind him. He hit the ground, I could have sworn a tactical went off. A surge of debris went flying in all directions and a 50ft mushroom cloud of blue and yellow particulates hung over the city.

All the beavers were obliterated, and Ayan was too, because he got landed on, cause he is dumb, cuz he is Ayan.

“That…was…AWESOME!” Dan said, he seemed completely unshaken by what could be called a near death

experience. Even though the color spectrum had basically exploded, nothing seemed to change around us. The mushroom cloud continued to drift in the air for a few seconds before the wind came by and it dispersed.

“Yes that was amazing…” Nico said “But now we have to get out of this city, any ideas!?”

“Need a lift?” A voice called. A Humvee appeared from thin air and dropped down right next to us on the paved street. It had 4 seats and on top a .50 Cal gun. Something hit me immediately, this wasn’t the same thing as before. This voice was clearly human, it even had the hint of a Slav, or a Russian for that matter. But how did he do that then? How did he even know we were here?

“That was…convenient” Nico said. Beavers were now converging from all directions, we had to escape and fast. We had no time to ponder on who this new mysterious hero was. Tyler jumped in the driver’s seat instantly. Dan ran to the other side and got in shotgun. I got in a passenger seat with Nico and Mike got the .50 Cal gunner seat.

“Floor it!” I shouted!

“Just realized…” Tyler said “I can’t drive”

“Sure you can just hurry!” Dan shouted. Mike closed the 50. Cal hole and I heard pairs of little adorable beaver feet clambering on top of the Humvee. Beavers were now all trying to get inside the vehicle, submerging us in a sea of brown fur

.

“Don’t worry I know what to do!” Tyler said

5 Hours later

It was…3 A.M. now. Tyler was dancing in his seat. In time all my friends began to stir and wake up.

“What happened?” Nico asked. I looked outside and was stunned. The beavers had completely layered the Humvee. It was impossible to see outside.

“I know how to drive the Humvee!” Tyler said. I then watched him grab a nearby key and turn it. A feint noise occurred and the heat and lights came on.

“That was it…” Dan asked

“Yup” Tyler said “Just realized my hooves are magic and apparently can operate human things as such”

“It took you 5 hours to find this out?” I questioned

“Yup” Tyler said. He twisted the keys a little bit more than floored the pedal.

“GAAAAAAADDDDAFFFFFFFIIII!!” Tyler screamed, sending beavers flying in all directions. We were moving again, Mike was already half asleep so I jumped into the gunner seat. I pulled the hatch opened and grabbed hold of the M60. We were driving now at 80 miles an hour in the streets of the abandoned city. There was barely any debris on road and even less pony life.

“VESPI LOOK OUT” Mike shouted, I looked into the sky to see a flying beaver with flow, apparently Justin Beaver was back…with wings.

I jumped off the platform immediately to avoid getting crushed. I was smart, Justin Beaver landed at first right on the Humvee, causing it to be smooched before bouncing back up undamaged. Justin Beaver had fallen off, but through the window I could see him flying towards us with an army of flying beavers.

“Hurry shoots him down!” Nico cried. I got up on the (Somehow surviving) gun and began blasting .50 Cal rounds into the brown sky. Beavers began to fall like giant pieces of organic hail onto the streets. Tyler tried to drive faster but it was clear that any faster would be our demise, the Humvee was plagued with having to jump over small bumps and small piles of trash or in some cases barricades…or in some other cases, ponies. We being aerial for going off a small ramp wouldn’t help us get out of this mess.

The bullets were having no effect on the evil beast, after firing my entire armament into him and his cronies he seemed barely damaged, he wasn’t even impaired in any shape or form.

“Well…were boned” I said, un-mounting the gun and throwing it behind us to save weight.

“I think we should all pray” Dan said, I wasn’t sure if Dan was serious. Morality and the 21st century don’t go together.

“Fine” Mike said, his face reed with anger, he cleared his throat.

Rant inbound

“The goal of this letter is to bring about the demise of Lord Jesus E Christ's irritating sermons just as Charter 77 brought about the demise of communism in Czechoslovakia. And that's why I feel compelled to say something about wrongheaded lumpenproletariats. There is no contradiction here; even though the blatant ignorance and social maladjustment of Lord Christ's rantings will force onto us the degradation and ignominy that Lord Christ is known to revel in one of these days, you mustn't forget that when Lord Christ says that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt wage an odd sort of warfare upon a largely unprepared and unrecognizing public", that's just a load of spucatum tauri. Still, this is a lesson for those with eyes to see. It is a lesson not so much about his disaffected behavior but about the way that at no time in the past did filthy, self-deceiving vermin shamble through the streets of cities, demanding rights they imagine some supernatural power has bestowed upon them.

Lord Christ may be sincere, but he is also sincerely salacious. At first, he just wanted to intensify or perpetuate authoritarianism. Then, he tried to promote ignominious ideologies such as absenteeism. Who knows what he'll do next? The answer I shall provide is broad, plain, and even more than sufficient. You see, if we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for ourselves, we will first have to maintain social tranquillity. He makes a lot of exaggerated claims. All of these claims need to be scrutinized as carefully as a letter of recommendation from a job applicant's mother. Consider, for example, Lord Christ's claim that sin is good for the soul. The fact of the matter is that I recently received quite a bit of flak from the local commentariat for reporting that the pressures and stresses that his buddies undergo lead them to lead people towards iniquity and sin. The criticism I received is surprising because I was merely pointing out what is generally accepted, that Lord Christ's delitescent goal is to abet ethnic genocide, dictatorships, and the most stultiloquent pickpockets you'll ever see. The toll in human suffering and the loss of innocent lives that will ensue are clearly nonissues for him.

I'd peg the odds at about six to one that Lord Christ will drag everything that is truly great into the gutter before you know it. If I'm wrong, I promise that I'll gladly become increasingly frustrated, humiliated and angry. He is not the only one who needs to reassess his assumptions. Think about puerile widdifuls. They too should realize that I will stop at nothing to champion the force of goodness against the greed of iniquitous good-for-nothings. My resolve cannot fully be articulated, but it is unyielding. As evidence, consider that I want to thank Lord Christ for his propositions. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how postmodernist Lord Christ can be.

Lord Christ indeed believes that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. What kind of Humpty-Dumpty world is he living in? I could give you the answer now, but it would be more productive for me first to inform you that it is naive to think that he wouldn't make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs if he got the chance. If you'll forgive my parrhesia, I'd like to add that Lord Christ maintains that he is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of the most manipulative hellions I've ever seen. This is complete—or at least, incomplete—baloney. For instance, Lord Christ fails to mention that it is immature and stupid of him to transform our whole society to suit his own abusive interests. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to put an end to unprofessional ageism, and that's why I say that I don't know which are worse, right-wing tyrants or left-wing tyrants. But I do know that I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making "statistical studies" about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I'd like to see a statistical study of Lord Christ's capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many neo-cynical, brown-nosing thugs realize that Lord Christ has been known to bake us a cake of propagandism, filled with irreligionism and topped with a layer of Zendicism. That always spurs on his brethren to desecrate personal religious objects. That, in turn, encourages Lord Christ to have a serious destabilizing effect on our institutions. This cycle inevitably, inexorably ratchets upwards and outwards until at last some spiteful franion winds up causing a marked deterioration in our literature, amusements, and social conduct.

As one commentator put it, Lord Christ takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. He also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position. If he would, just once, demonstrate real and genuine concern for others, Lord Christ might begin to realize that his head is so far in rectal defilade it would require major surgery to extricate it. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to study the impact on society of Lord Christ's greed, stupidity, hubris, and outright corruption. I say that because he should have been placed long ago in a locked psychiatric unit. I would have committed Lord Christ to such a facility under the justification that he alleges that we can stop expansionism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for impolitic nupsons. Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Now that this letter has come to an end, I hope you walk away from it realizing that one task that rests on all of our shoulders is to go placidly amid the noise and haste. All you are is an asshole who lives in the sky, jacks off, sits on his ass, and eats baby carrots all day.”

I was dog shit silent that was the most knowledgeable thing I have ever heard Mike say…ever.

Meanwhile in God’s Sky Condo

“Naturally, this is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Now that this letter has come to an end, I hope you walk away from it realizing that one task that rests on all of our shoulders is to go placidly amid the noise and haste. All you are is an asshole who lives in the sky, jacks off, sits on his ass, and eats baby carrots all day.”

God looked down at the paper; try to find the part when Michael says “Lol jk”

Only not to find it

God took off his reading glasses and stared out into the sky, he put a hand into his bowl and came out with a baby carrot, he examined it carefully, and he thought it over.

“Well played my son, well played bro”

Back to the (Dumbass) plot

I looked through the back window of the Humvee, there had to be something we could do to get out of this.

I was trying to figure out a plan to gain speed when I heard Nico curse

“Holy shit…” Nico muttered. I looked up into the sky to see a beam of light flying towards us, only then did I realize it was going towards a different form of evil.

“GOD BOMB!” Mike shouted. The lightning device struck home and gave off a massive explosion of devastating power. I was for a minute blinded by the sheer light (And awesomeness) of the bomb. Our Humvee was now flying forwards, not even on the ground but flying forward from the blast. We flipped over and I felt the armored vehicle drop to the ground, only to bounce. Once, twice, three times, for, five, six… many, many times.

Finally I felt myself being rammed into the front seats as friction caused our Humvee to grind to a halt. We were insane, or just really lucky.

Or even worse

Mike knew God loved baby carrots.

Deserted

I was stunned when I realized I was alive. I woke up, my face smashed into the front seat in the Humvee; the only difference (Besides superficial damage and the vehicle being totaled) was it was upside down. I looked up in relief to see that the seatbelt I put on right before impact was still there. I pressed down in the center and it came undone. I slumped to the bottom (Which was now the top) of the car, and laid there for a couple moments. Part of me wanted to take a nap and hope someone else would do all the work, but I soon realized this was no time to be lazy.

I didn’t check if my friends were okay right off the bat, but instead made a run for the door. We were in the middle of a desert, it was dawn and in the far background I could see the skyscrapers of what was Stalliongrad. It gave me a strange qualm of nostalgia, the largest skyscraper reminded me of the Lucky 38 Casino, funny how you can remember think of the most random things at the most random occasions.

I then pulled my head out of my ass and got to the task at hand. I went back into the Humvee to check for any clues of serious damage. There was blood, but most of it was in different locations, I assumed it meant everyone was hurt but not seriously. I looked down at myself, my nose had been bleeding apparently and I had cuts and bruises, but other than that I was okay.

I heard one of the doors fall off, I looked to see that the driver seat was now vacant, Tyler must be awake. I ran around the hood and saw Tyler steadying himself against the Humvee. He had the same superficial damages as me, minus the nose bleed, instead he had a small gash above his eye.

“You okay?” I asked. Tyler turned towards me and gave a quick nod, I was relieved to see he was still conscious.

Another door fell off; I saw 2 ponies get out of the Humvee.

“How’d we get all the way out here?” Nico asked

“No clue” Mike said, both of my friends seemed to be in the same condition. The only problem here was confusion.

Dan was the last one to come to. Maybe a minute or two after Mike and Nico exited the vehicle Dan opened the door (Without breaking it) and stepped out. We were already trying to make a fire though.

“Where are we?” Dan asked; Dan seemed to be the worst off of us; nonetheless there was good news, better news and bad news. Good news was he didn’t go flying through the window (Dan doesn’t “do” seatbelts), better news was he didn’t go flying when the Humvee flipped over, bad news was he had small shards of glass in his face.

“Outside of Stalliongrad” Nico said, Nico returned to his work on the fire. We had found several twigs lying around (Strangely considering we were in the middle of a desert) and Nico had found a large rock suitable for a flint. After striking it against another rock a couple times a spark occurred, falling from the air and into the cluster of small twigs. In no time we had a small fire. We all laid down on the surprisingly flat piece of sand maybe 50 feet from the Humvee and relaxed for the moment.

You’d think a desert would be hot all day long, right? Wrong.  The desert was like a brisk winter night. I soon realized that without clouds or trees or any suitable cover there was nothing stopping heat from coming down on the ground, and nothing keeping it there. God bless scientific research! I never really liked my teacher very much, usually because how he pronounced his Rs but he knew how to make something stick in your mind! I still remember that sermon word from word

“Now when you are in a forrrrrrrest there are a lot of trrrrrrrrrrrrrrreees , these trrrrrrrrrrrres block sunlight from hitting the grrrrrrrrrrrround, but at night those trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrees also prrrrrrrrrrrrrevent sunlight from leaving the forrrrrrrrrrrrrrest. Now in a deserrrrrrrrrrrt there are no trrrrrrrrrrrrrrres like therrrrrrrrrrrrrrre is in a forrrrrrrrrrrest, in a forrrrrrrrrrrrrrest those trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrees prrrrrrrrrrrrevent sunlight from leaving. So a night in the deserrrrrrrrrrrrt is coolerrrrrrr than a night in the forrrrrrrrrrrest, Tylerrrrrrrrrrrr arrrrrrrrrrrrrre you using your phone? Tylerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr put your phone away rrrrrrrrrrrrrright now. Tylerrrrrrrrrrrrrr that is it, go to the in school suspension rrrrrrrrrroom rrrrrrrrrrright now orrrrrrrrrrr I will get the vice prrrrrrrrrrincipal or the prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrincipal in herrrrrrrrrrrre rrrrrrrrrrrrright away.”

After 5 more minutes the fire was roaring and we had time to talk about our game plan.

“We should start off tonight” Dan said “We don’t have any food and we don’t know how close we are to civilization.”

“Dan, just stop talking” Tyler said, using comedy as a deadly tool of negotiation “it is like 15 degrees out here, we should rest up and start off tomorrow.”

I had to agree with Tyler. We were all stressed (Mainly being sucked into a horse’s realm and being launched like a cannon ball) and tired, we should all try and get what little rest we could in the few hours of darkness remaining and continue on tomorrow. I just realized, if Stalliongrad is like Stalingrad, and Stalingrad is in Russia, who’s idea was it to name a city Stalliongrad in the middle of a fucking desert? How did they even know about Stalin? How do ponies know English? Why are they colorful? WHY CAN THEY TALK? The questions poured into my mind, impairing my power to think, none of this made sense. Due to the excitement and events of these first few days we hadn’t even had a serious discussion about any of this; perhaps this is the perfect time.

“Hey guys we need to talk” I said “So, what do you think about this current situation? Like what is with all of this?”

“Yea, isn’t Stalliongrad like in Japan or something?” Tyler asked

“Russia stupid” Mike butted in

“True, but how do they speak English? How can they even talk?” Nico asked

“I don’t know” I said “But more important, what do we do when we get out of this desert?”

“We got to head to that Statue of Friendship that Sam was talking about” Mike said

“True” I said, I had forgotten about that

“Hey I have a question, if ponies can use magic, what do you think they use magic for?” Mike asked, feeling his horn

“I’m not sure, but considering we just left a huge skyscraper city I don’t know.” Dan said

“What do you think is up with the Russian guy?” I asked “Why did he help us instead of the other one?”

“I know, and how did he even know we were here?” Tyler asked

“I don’t know” I said, everything seemed to have a “I don’t know” answer. I felt like a small piece of garbage floating in an ocean. No matter what I try, there is no way to fully understand what is going on without some help.

“Let’s just try and get some sleep” Nico suggested

“Okay, sorry for the ‘Stupid ass questions 101’” I joked, I knew that all this was doing was stressing us all out. After what we’ve been through there is no real need to let the worry rat run amuck in our brains. So I chose to change the subject.

“So how’d you guys end up finding Harrison? What happened to Conor” I asked

“We were going to be evacuated on a big balloon with Conor, but we couldn’t just leave you in there, we hoped he’d drop off at Canterlot hospital”

“Wait you just left him there?” I asked

“Kind of” Dan  said “Then we just walked around the city, heard a crash and found you guys.”

Tyler said “How did your day go anyways?”

“Meh” Mike said

“Well Mike and I went to a recording studio place so Mike could get a contract” I said

“How’d that go?” Dan asked

“Well, they loved it, then we found a gig in a Gryphon place, then we started a riot…” Mike said

“That was you?” Nico asked with a stunned face

“Eeyup” Mike said

“Well we learned a little about Stalliongrad. It is a walled city, the walls are used to stop the occasional attack of violent monsters that are called “beavers”, The weakest section of the wall is on the Gryphon side of the wall…” Dan said, he then said in a more solemn tone “Perhaps a Gryphon blew the wall up?”

“Silly Dan! Black people can’t use explosives!” Nico said, we all turned to him. What the fuck was that Nico?

“Nico that is so racist!” Mike said “Why are they even black people anyways!?”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry” Nico said, looking embarrassed and downright humiliated

After that the serious discussion died fast, we ended up getting bored of talking about various conspiracy theories about the Russian and decided to play  a good old fashion game of I spy.

“I spy something tan!” Tyler always said

“Is it sand…?” Dan asked, not even asking but stating in a morose tone

“IT IS” Tyler would always say in astonishment, I ended up drifting to sleep overhearing my friends’ ramblings.

I couldn’t help but shake the feeling of the man, what was he doing there? It made no sense.

I Can haz Wagon

I woke up rather peacefully, instead of a frigid night in the desert it was already scorching hot. The sand was hot to the touch and I was sweating like a pig. It didn’t take much to wake my friends up either; they must have had a rather restless sleep.

“Okay so I guess we are on the march?” Mike asked

“I guess so, but in which way?” Dan asked

“THAT A WAY!” Tyler shouted, pointing into the never ending abyss of sand, away from the once proud city.

None of us had any other suggestions so we shrugged it off and began to march. The march was brutal, the sand burned our hooves and we were so fatigued simply by walking it was almost impossible to fly for long amounts of time so most of the time we had no clue what was in front of us. Mike must of caught onto a fan spell along the way, since he seemed to make it work on himself, but in time he became so weak he couldn’t use the spell anymore.

Luck for once was on our side, after some time of walking we found a paved road. Not only did this facilitate our travel but was much easier on our hooves.

“Couldn’t we just ask the Russian for another car?” Nico finally asked. We all looked at him like he had found a cure for cancer, why the hell didn’t we think of that?

“O MIGHT RUSSIAN DUDE !” Mike said, going down on his knees and beginning to pray “PLEASE SPAWN A CAR FOR US!”

There was no answer

“Of course…” Mike cursed

“So what, were just going to call him Russian Dude?” I asked

“Russian Dude it is”

***

Boris looked down anxiously at his control panel, then at his almost finished cigarette, then back at his control panel.

He grabbed the cigarette one last time and gave a final huff, he finally was finished with it and tossed it in the nearby garbage can.

He hadn’t really been paying attention to the kids lately, in fact most of the time he was debugging the enormously erroneous system, it would take very long. He had his own problems, not only had they slipped out of the palm of his hand, but now they were constantly in perilous trouble. Fortunately Boris was able to make the MTAS-5000 work, allowing him every once in a while to drop items from this world to that world.

He chose to take a quick look at the camera; it was amazing what science could do. He could scout the skies and the seas for anything, fly over massive mountains and into deep caves without ever being noticed. Even though these boys were stupid, you’d expect them to question how he knew he was watching.

Then he looked at the screen again, Vista was broken

“SON OF A CHURNOV!” Boris shouted, he slammed his elderly hand down on the table, he had lost contact with the boys…some technology

***

We continued to walk for what felt like eternity. Constantly struggling against the hot sun and the humid weather; it was becoming laborious to do the simplest task now, it was even becoming a quest to breath.

“Is that what I see…” Nico said “GUYS LOOK AT THAT!”

I didn’t know what he was talking about sadly, I have terrible eye vision. When I mean terrible, I mean terrible as in “Front row seat but still can’t see the board” terrible. That was when I saw a white speck on the horizon

“IT IS A BUILDING! WE ARE SAVED!” Mike shouted. We made a mad dash for the building, running as fast as possible. I began to see what we were looking at, it was a modern looking building that was pitch white. There was a courtyard on the side of the row and behind it a glass and metal building. On a sign above was “Shattering Darkness’s Wagon dealership”.

We rammed through the door and all collapsed on the floor. Right in front of us was a stallion. He was pitch black and had a multi colored mane of red and orange and yellow. He had on a small red pin striped vest.

“You want wagon? Wagon good!” He said in a Persian accent

“Um sure we need a wagon I guess” Mike said

“Okay good choice, let me finish up with other customer” Shattering Darkness said, he turned around and walked towards two unicorns in identica- o fucking ball sack shit.

“You find wagon?” He asked

“Yes I like this wagon, but can we negotiate this price a little bit? Me and my colleague would be happy to pay of course!” Flim responded, seeming rater cheery considering he was car jacked only days earlier.

This left us in a difficult place, we could hide and draw suspicion to ourselves, or we could confront them. Mike and Dan seemed desperate to do the latter. This wouldn’t end well.

The two walked forward towards Flim and Flam, there backs were turned as they were negotiating with Shattering Darkness.

“Sup babes” Mike said, a cocky smile on his face. Flim and Flam both turned around, seething mad.

“What happened to our Super Cider Squeezy 6000?” Flam questioned

“We kind of blew it up” Mike said, his face showing no shame “But can we borrow some dosh? We need some cash for a wagon, in case you didn’t notice we are in a desert”

Flim and Flam looked like they were about to kill Mike right on the stop, that was when I noticed five strong looking bodyguards appear from the gentlecolts room.

“I see you are admiring our bodyguards” Flim said

“I am” Mike said “I also see you are admiring my friend Shattering Darkness over here” Shattering Darkness gave a surprised look “Shattering Darkness, kill the bodyguards and we will buy a wagon!”

A pure look of hatred filled Shattering Darkness’s eyes “NO ONE TOUCHES MY CLIENTS BIIIIIYATCH!”

Shattering Darkness rammed into the first bodyguard, he was unexpected and proved to be more like a flimsy and shoddy wall then an actually bodyguard, he was launched so hard he rammed into the opposite wall, causing an indent in the wall.

The second bodyguard ran at Shattering Darkness with a small stiletto, Shattering Darkness instantly send a hoof to the ponies ribs though and dismantled him. He dropped to the ground holding his shattered ribs.

The third and the fourth bodyguards ran at Shattering Darkness at the same time, one was unfurling a retractable baton and the other one had brass knuckles on. Brass Knuckles ran at Shattering Darkness first, Shattering Darkness grabbed the incoming punch though and turned Brass Knuckles around and used him as a meat shield.

The fourth bodyguard dropped the baton own onto the third ponies face, trying to hit Shattering Darkness but failing. He then ran into the fourth bodyguard (The unconscious third bodyguard still being used as a barrier) and knocked him through the glass.

The fifth bodyguard shat his pants so fast his anus ignited on fire, he died on the spot. His body turned into a living (Or not so) conduit of fire.

Flim and Flam looked stunned, there mouths were wide open in disbelief. What looked like a definite win became a shattering defeat.

Flim and Flam ran for the door, somehow evading Shattering Darkness and made it off through the courtyard lined with wagons and off into the desert, we could catch them now or- wait….never mind they had bicycles…whatever I don’t even care anymore.

“Thanks bro” Mike said “We shall buy a wagon now” That was when I noticed Flim and Flams wallets lying on the ground. Mike levitated them over and pulled the bits out, there were more than enough for a high quality wagon.

We ended up then having the pleasure of trying to pick a wagon that all suited our individual needs.

We were completely in a stalemate, Mike and I wanted something blue while Tyler and Nico wanted something black. Dan was stubborn and wanted red.

“Dumbass, black will attract heat! We will get heat stroke!” Mike reasoned

“Yea but it is soooo cool” Nico said. In the end we all had to compromise, AKA no pony was happy. We chose yellow.

Next came the exact type of wagon, Shattering Darkness had plenty of wagons but few that were in our wagon nirvana, we need something in our price range (Which was still ample) and managed to satisfy our needs.

“We should get a wagon with a hot tub in it” Tyler said

“No we should not” Dan said, making no effort to hide his anger.

We finally ended up getting a surprisingly decent wagon. It was bronze like yellow and was large enough to house 5 ponies. It had sturdy wheels and even Air Conditioning (Who said you had to choose in-between magic and electricity?)

“Thank you come again friends!” Shattering Darkness called out as we pushed the wagon onto the road.

Just as it was on the road the fucking wheel broke, it turned over and landed in a sand drift.

Shattering Darkness wouldn’t give us a refund, with our dosh almost spent we had to choose a very…humble vehicle;

an ice cream wagon. All we had left was 100 bits, enough for a ton of food and water when we found a real pitstop.

“You got to be shitting me” Mike cursed as he got in the driver’s seat, it was better than walking though.

…I didn’t really expect my first car being new anyways.

“Please we are begging you Shattering Darkness!” Mike pleaded

“No sorry no refunds sorry” Shattering Darkness said in his quirky Persian accent.

“Please…” Mike said “Besides your crappy wagon broke before we even drove it!”

“No refunds, sorry go away now sorry refunds no” Shattering Darkness said, pushing us out of the courtyard and

locking the gate behind him. Over the gate came an…acoustic guitar?

“Play guitar, good for guitar playing” Shattering Darkness said, leaving us on the road.

“O guitar is 90 bits”

There goes our food money

Dat Plot just got Plottish

Nico picked up the guitar and we walked over to our wagon. It was barely standing up straight. It had clearly had many years of service, the white paint was chipping, a harness was snapped, and the wheels were missing spokes. It almost reminded me of that movie Borat, you know with the two black guys who go to Mexico? Or something? The heat stroke is really getting to me

“Okay” Mike said “There is only one harness, so NOT IT”

I put my hoof up to my nose ASAP. Tyler (In a world of his own) was the last to respond.

“O come on are you serious?” Tyler asked “Can’t we just go take Shattering Darkness?”

“You saw what happened to those bodyguards!” I said “I doubt we can do it”

“I got a plan” Tyler said, urging us to form into a huddle

***

Meanwhile somewhere else…in a faraway land

“It is a nice day” The hooded pony said, he and his companion were anxiously waiting incognito for their friend

“How long can we fool the humans?” His companion asked worriedly “They are a tenacious race, we must be very careful”

“Relax” The hooded mare said; she could see the shadowy figure of her guest stealthily moving towards them. “They have no clue, they will be in our grasp very shortly, if nothing went wrong they shall be here in the morning, and then we can finish this business.”

“But what about the others?” The pony questioned “We cannot hurt them if they’re not in our world, but they can still send In supplies and even warriors to fight us”

“We’ve been waiting this for a long time” Came the response “Our leaders will know what to do”

The new comer grabbed the first stranger by the neck and slammed her into a nearby wall. She collapsed into the wall with great force before slumping down and jumping back up. Before the new comer could send another punch the pony blasted questions at him.

“What are you doing!?” She asked

“You fucked up, AGAIN!” He shouted “Not only have you destroyed our entire trap but screwed us over yet AGAIN!”

“What are you saying!?” The mare asked, almost pleading “We knew about this Sam and Marshal. We sent two letters USING NAMES to the scum! HOW COULD WE HAVE MESSED UP?”

“SAM AND MARSHL AREN’T IN EQUESTRIA YOU DUMB SHIT!” The pony cursed, he didn’t care about waking any of the neighbors up anymore, just straightening out his friend.

“…what!?” The pony stuttered, unsure if this was some kind of a joke or test “But we know two humans came into Equestria right after the six. What-“

“First off there were 7 originals, how the 7th got into Equestria not even Celestia knows. Also, there is only ONE new comer, ONE! BUT WE STILL HAVE EIGHT OF THE VERMIN AROUND EQUESTRIA THAT ARE ABOUT TO BUTT FUCK EVERYTHING UP!”

For a second the three hooded ponies just looked at each other,

“Who is the 8th human then?” The mare asked confused

“Even I don’t know, we will need to go looking” The leader spoke

“We will talk about this later” The 2nd pony said

She looked towards the new comer and nodded “Let’s get going”

In the twilight of Canterlot three red hoods flashed through the dreary streets

Something was a foot

***

Meanwhile somewhere else…New Jersey

“Are you sure this is the way to Kevin’s house?” Sam questioned, scanning the forest with his eyes.

“I’m sure, chill” Marshal said, doing a quick stretch. Marshal loved the outdoors, it wasn’t much of a hobby for a hipster but he enjoyed the refreshing forest air, soothing breeze, and occasional intriguing deer crap sighting, if anyone asks he liked the outdoors before they were cool. His companion on the other hand, was more at home in a skate park.

“I don’t really want to go through this forest” Sam admitted

“Why?” Marshal asked, nothing had ever gone wrong in there small town!

“Because 7 kids have gone missing in this very forest…like only a couple days ago…..right after Mike Hoppe called you and asked you to come……to a forest…….to show you something…..and now he’s dead…

possibly….maybe….probably……..yea” Sam said, it was clear that not only had 7 of their friends, kids they knew, went missing only a few days ago but also there have been rumors of strange muttering in the forest, eerily echoing throughout the forest.

“I think they all just have the flu” Marshal said with a comical wave of the hand “Besides, it’s this or we ask your mom to drive us in her Prius” Marshal couldn’t help but shudder on the word “Prius”

“Fine” Sam said “Lead the way”

The two trudged through the forest normally. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, then they were blanched white at the sound of strange mumbling. They were on the trail but quickly ran to a pile of brush.

“Follow me bro” Marshal said waving his hand to Sam. Marshal was always considered some sort of a leader, not a true leader but more of an “It’s him or we are screwed” leader.

They scurried through the brush for what felt like eternity, until they could see two squirrels talking in the open

“Food?” The first squirrel asked, looking down at the boxes then up at the stranger.

“O, see nothing wrong except some talking squirrels!” Marshal said,

“THE HUMANS ARE ON TO US :O” The squirrel screamed, him and his friend scattering in the wind.

The two continued their trek through the woods until they finally came in proximity to Agincourt Manor, the big intimidating estate of the late Mr. Agincourt, a man who made his fortune in Latino food made by Indian immigrants.

“Marshal we should really get going” Sam said, scared out of his mind.

“Relax, let me open ze pit” Marshal said, using his memorable slogan. Every person in the state of New Jersey had at one point or another heard Marshal shout “OPEN UP ZE PIT!” with his customary vigor; it was just something he liked to do.

The two walked up towards the Manor and cautiously entered, that is when they saw footprints, there was only 1 type of shoe that could make those imprints, 150$ Nikes, Mike’s 150$ Nikes!

“Marshal…” Sam muttered, looking down at the print

“Relax, it was probably someone else!” Marshal said, not even caring, Marshal began to waltz around the Manor, Sam scurrying behind him. The two looked around for a little bit, it was clearly not a safe spot to be in but they were bored and curious.

That’s when the two heard the first set of footsteps. Marshal and Sam went into immediate action and ran for cover, through a part of destroyed wall they could see 4 people. All four were guarded by a grey ballistic vest, camo jackets, and Kalashnikov 47s. Sam (Although from Russian descent) couldn’t speak Russian, but fortunately they weren’t speaking Russian, because they were in America…sorry I just saw a squirrel and lost my train of thought (Let’s just say I’m the squirrel)

“I keep telling you guys I heard something” One said, aiming his AK-47 towards the door, thankfull none of the 4 were focusing on the small hole in the wall where Marshal and Sam listened intently.

“It was probably something creaking” A second shouted “Boris doesn’t like it when we are out here, he might need us too, come on Yuri we should head back”

This “Yuri” just nodded and turned around. As the quartet was about o leave, Sam’s phone went off blasting dubstep loudly.

“Hey Sam I think I found out were babies come from!” Matt said

“NOT THE TIME!” Sam said. He would of said more, but a battery of 7.62 was fired, Sam dropped his phone and ran, Marshal running behind him. The 4 soldiers were immediately set into hot pursuit.

   Sam and Marshal ran into a small room which lead into the garden. Right there was when they saw a small hatch, almost like a square manhole in the middle of the garden.

It didn’t take long for Marshal to open the hatch; in front of him was a steep set of stairs. He cautiously took a step, then another, then a third; he eventually came all the way down into a frigid plateau. In front of him was an old looking wooden door. Sam was only going down the first step or two when he fell, falling all the way down and breaking the door off its hinges on the way.

The soldiers must have been lost, or they would have heard the sound and came in guns blazing.

“Sam, you are a retard” Marshal said “None the less, ze pit has been opened”

Only to their surprise, there was another set of stairs right there, the current room only serving as brief break room. They continued down the next stairwell (Which turned out to be only like 3 steps) and were stunned at what they saw. They saw what was almost like a house. That was when the gun cocked and Marshal turned around to see a 5th soldier right next to him, the gun right by his temple.

“SUPER PARKOUR NINJA SKILLZ!” Sam shouted, he ran to the nearest wall and tried to jump from the wall over Vukotich and to the stairwell. Sadly the second he put his second foot on the wall he back flipped over and landed right on a table, knocking him out.

“Sam” Marshal said making a “Tsk Tsk” noise “When will you ever learn?”

Marshal then felt his skull getting pistol whipped by the Russian.

***

Marshal woke up in a room; Sam was lying next to him already conscious and scared. Marshal looked up to see the entire room was almost like a ginormous test chamber. Two fold away chairs were stationed in the middle of the room.

“So…more lab rats?” An elderly scientist asked with a sinister smile. His hair was white and frazzled, his skin was pitch white, he had a small white mustache.

“Where are we?” Marshal asked

“Marshal what is going on?” Sam asked, coming to his senses

The older scientist turned to his companions and asked into the microphone “Is your name Marshal too? I guess there must be two of you Marshals.

Marshal noticed the Russian soldier from before, the one who pistol whipped him, he walked over to the old doctor and whispered something in Russian to him. The Russian gave a smile, and began pressing buttons.

“Have fun”

Before Marshal could respond a random purple vortex came from the floor and sucked them into its grasp.

***

I awoke from my violent knock out and got up to my hooves. Our relentless attack on Shattering Darkness and his car dealership was not going so well.

“I EAT STEAK FOR BREAKFEST! RIGHT AFTER MY MASTACO!” Shattering Darkness shouted, throwing Dan against the cement wall of the courtyard.

“This isn’t going very well” Mike muttered, he ran for the wagon, all of us following.

Shattering Darkness sadly wasn’t done with us yet, he flew over the gate and made a dash for us.

“DRIVE YOU TWO DRIVE” Tyler shouted, Dan and Nico jumped into the driver’s seat (Which was apparently the carriage part, too bad this didn’t have an engine) and ran like the devil was chasing us.

Before long we escaped the evil car dealers grasp and we were on our way on the road.

“Guys…was that even worth it?” I asked

“Is anything we do really worth it?” Mike asked, bloody but still smiling.

The Equestrian Express

I woke up from my not so tranquil nap, and was completely relieved. I had just had the worst dream in the history of worst dreams; Mike had noticed my shocked expression and didn’t seem too shy when it came to confronting me about it.

“What was that?” Mike asked “It looked like you just had a seizure”

“I’m… fine” I said, thank god the walls were there.

“What was that!?” Nico asked, acknowledging the seizure like night terror as well

“I...I just had a bad dream” I said, touching my head, I couldn’t even remember what had happened, but it was something bad.

“Hey guys can we switch or something?” Nico asked “I am getting really tired”

“Hang on I see another building in the distance, when we get there we can switch!” Mike said, pointing to another white speck on the horizon.

Mike looked over at Tyler, he had been fiddling with what looked like a radio

“What are you doing?” Mike asked

“I think this is a radio” Tyler said

“It is clearly a radio” I stated,

“Tyler finally pressed an “on” button and the radio began to emit noise. It was a talk show apparently staring some fat ugly old fascist like republican, or well that was what I was thinking about.

“Ponies just don’t understand it when I say sex is wrong, ponies call me crazy when I try and tell them about the penalties, but NOOOOOO they’d rather be sinful and destroy themselves. When I tell ponies that global warming is a myth they-”

“Okay this guy is already pissing me off” Tyler said, he turned the nob; we heard a miss mosh of several dozen channels but one caught our attention.

“Wait guys shut up and listen” Mike ordered

“Our next tope story, no word has come from Stalliongrad today, but spectators and first aid rescue workers trying to help save lives in the ensueing riots were astounded when a bright light came over the city and destroyed large parts of it. Massive death tolls aer being charted up. More than 5000 Gryphons have been killed, and 16 ponies. That is all”

Moment of silence

“Did we do that?” I asked

“I hope not”

The road was long and tiresome, it was dreadfully hot, and if we had gotten the other wagon we would have AC. If only it didn’t crash into a sand dune.

Nico wasn’t happy about it obviously. We promised him when we got to the next “building” that we would switch, which mike assured he could see. This wasn’t fast enough though.

“Guys can we please switch” Nico said

“Nope”

15 minutes later

“Guys can we please switch”

“Nope”

15 minutes later

“Guys can we please switch”

“NOPE”

“BITCH I DON’T CARE WERE SWITCHING ANYWAYS”

Nico released himself from the wagon and began seething with anger

“Relax Nico, were already here (;3)” Mike said. Turning around I saw the building Mike was talking about.

“WHAT COME ON!” Nico shouted, still bat-shit angry about being our mule for an hour in the desert.

I felt a great surge of relief flow through my veins, we were finally here, we were finally coming towards civilization. Our small ice cream carriage was slowly heading towards the train station, Dan (Volunteering for the role), his mane almost plastered to their heads from the immense amount of sweat.

“Thank god we are finally somewhere” Mike said

“I’m so hungry” I said, looking down and feeling my stomach, I wasn’t at starving point yet but I was discomforted with the lack of food in my stomach. To top it off, we only had 10 bits for the 5 of us.

Dan and Nico trudged to the rear of the station and collapsed, then the wheels collapsed, then for no reason the entire wagon spontaneously combusted. Good thing our wagon insurance covered spontaneous combustion.

“Okay that took care of itself” Nico said, looking at the scorched rubble “Let’s go get something to eat”

  We walked around the station and walked into the front door. There was a massive juggernaut of a train standing out front. This train had to be far larger than any train on Earth. It was at leastly twice as wide and had twelve carts each with a silver numeral to depict said cart. Covering half the right side was in gilded gold “The Equestrian Express”. If this was Grand Theft Auto, I’d steal dat.

Outside each cart door (There were 12 carts, 1 door for each cart) was a stout and alert looking pony wearing a train workers uniform, it was dark black with golden buttons and golden epaulets, to top it off there was a black cap with a little golden emblem on it… fancy.

“Okay we have exactly 10 bits left” I said “Let’s get something to eat then go from there”

The small trains stop reminded me of a mini-mall, it was two stories high, and on the top level were several shops for wealthy ponies to buy unnecessary crap (Just like in our world!). On one side of the station there was a food court.

We quickly ran towards the food court and ordered what we could with 10 bits. Fortunately 10 bits was just enough for two pizzas and a couple Ponspis (Apparently Pony Pepsi, or at leastly one of the variants).

“This Ponspi takes like…Pepsi!” Mike declared

“I wonder why dumbass” I said gesturing to the logo; it was exactly the same as the Pepsi logo.

“O yea” Mike said

We quickly finished the pizzas and found ourselves idle. The train was still stagnant on the track so we had some time, but how could we sneak onto the train? The last thing I want to do is walk for god knows how long after eating Pizza and drinking Ponspi.

“Hey Tyler give me your Ponspi” I said

“Why?” Tyler asked, before he could react I snatched it from him however

“We all need a good laugh” I said

I shook the Ponspi for a good 5 minutes and then chose a target. There were plenty of juicy ones, fat old mares, young rich looking ponies, but no pony was just right.

“Found one!” Mike whispered in my ear pointing to an elderly stallion. He was as wrinkly as a raisin and was light blue; he had on a massive pair of glasses as well.

“You can do it Tyler” I said

“Why?” Tyler asked

“Because I say so” I said

“Vespi I don’t care”

“DO IT TYLER!” Mike ordered

“SIR YES SIR!” Tyler shouted, he grabbed the Ponspi and snuck by to the elderly pony.

“Want a Ponspi good sir?” Tyler asked with a fake smile

“Why thank you sonny” The pony said, he grasped it and began to open it “Back in my day we-“

Before he could finish his rant the Ponspi exploded in his face, sending his glasses flying off his face and onto the floor.

“My bad good sir” Tyler said still laughing

After the random cruelty we all sat down on a row of chairs and discussed our genius plan to get on the train.

“Let’s just do what Mexicans do and hide under it” Nico said

“No Nico remember my uncle works as border patrol, he said that NEVER works” Tyler said

“How about we buy 5 fucking tickets and go on board?” Dan asked “We haven’t even asked where the train is going!”

“We would buy 5 fucking tickets Daniel but we clearly are poor” Nico said

“Dan don’t be stupid we don’t have any money AT ALL” I said

“Fine we might as well sneak on” Nico said

“Hey sir where does this train go to?” I asked one of the employees standing by “Cart 7”

“Las Pegas, Baltimare, Manehatten, Unicornia” The stallion said

“Las Pegas it is” Tyler said

Las Pegas? You mean like Las Vegas? O my god o my god o my god o my god o my god o my god :D!

“Shouldn’t we be going to Ponyville?” I asked though. I had the weird feeling that wherever we go bad things happen. At leastly well have Marshal and Sam though if we go to Ponyville.

“Relax bro we got all the time in the world” Mike said, he turned around and looked at the officer (Do trains have officers? I don’t know it just sounds cool) from Cart 7 “How much are train tickets my good ma- I mean sir?”

“The train already departed from Stalliongrad three days ago, this is just a small rest stop for the passengers to stretch their hooves, might I just ask but what cart are you in? I haven’t seen you yet.”

“We are…passengers in………Cart 1!” I said quickly on my feet

“Cart 1? I believe that is the private cart for the owner and his intimate friends, might I just ask what your business is in all of this?” The officer asked

“Don’t worry about it” Mike said, relying on his old comeback

“I should worry about it”

“Well…don’t”

“Well…no”

“Well…yea I am an embassy from the Gryphon lands” Mike said, I felt like banging my head up against the wall. What was Mike thinking?

“But you’re not a Gryphon” The officer said with a suspicious look

“But you’re not a Gryphon either” Mike said swiftly

“….your confusing me” The officer said worriedly

“AND YOU AREN’T CONFUSING ME!” Mike shouted, somehow no matter what happens Mike manages to get our mangy asses out of trouble.

“Are you drunk sir?” The pony asked

“No I’ve been walking through the desert” Mike said

“I think you should leave” The officer said

“Leave should you I think” Mike said

“Sir I will be forced to call the police”

“Fine! We are like the ponies……………………private…..errr……..doctors? DOCTORS! Yes were there private doctors!” Dan said

“Why would 1 person have 5 doctors?”

“1 Doctor and 4 specialists” I mentioned

“Really then sir? What is your specialization?”

“…….medicine?”

DERPs

Vespi: 1

The officer clearly didn’t know what to think, the “lol wut” expression on his face was evidence.

“I think I’ll call the conductor” The officer said, right as he was about to open the door into the train a feminine voice shouted out from behind us.

“Pierre that is not necessary, these are friends of mine and should be given their upmost respect and their rooms in Cart 1” She said, I turned around to see a white unicorn with wavy white hair and emerald green eyes.

“Yes Mam” Pierre said, leaving into the train nonetheless.

We all turned around and notice the mare

“So who are you?” Mike asked

“I’m Sugar Blossom” Sugar Blossom said “Might I just ask what are you doing here?”

“Stuff” Mike said

“I see” Sugar Blossom said “I’m going to need a better answer then that, or I can have Pierre boot your flanks off my train”

“This isn’t your train bro I mean bra” Mike said, I couldn’t help but notice no one was responding to the mare who might of saved us except Mike.

“Maybe, or maybe I just get more then you, let’s call them privileges” Sugar Blossom said, scooting past us onto the train “Care to come aboard?”

Meet the Cart

The inside of the train was beautiful, its walls were lined with stunning oak wood and the floor was made of stunning red carpet. I instantly realized why they called it the “1st Cart”. It would be highly illogical to make the entire train very elegant. The first cart must be the elegant cart on the elegant train. But wait…if this is the elegant cart on the elegant train, would that mean that “Cart 1” was twice as elegant? Or was I just being stupid? I was probably just stupid.

“Your rooms are numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6” Sugar Blossom said, pointing down a surprisingly open hallway with doors flanking either side.

“How many rooms are there?” I asked

“10 in all” Sugar Blossom replied “You guys all have your own rooms, I have my room at room 1, The Pie family has number 7, Commander Muttonchops has room 8, Lyra has room 9 and one Mr. O’Patrick in number 10.” Sugar Blossom said

“How do you know that?” Tyler questioned suspiciously, assuming she is a creeper or something far worse.

“Well I’m the co-conductor” Sugar Blossom said “I just got to get changed”

I swear to god I saw the “FUUUUUUUUUU” face on Tyler. Authority figures and Tyler failed to ever get along. Tyler was known to have no respected what so ever for adults.

Sugar Blossom excused herself and walked into what appeared to be a “Employees only” zone. From the quick second the door was open I could see the conductor lazily sitting down at the wheel.

“Who is there?” A small voice squeaked from the hallway, I looked down to see an almost elderly mare standing there. She was gray with a bush of green hair behind her head; on her face was a pair of reading glasses. Out from the door I

could see a second pony. This pony was a rough looking Amish pony with a rugged beard, it was clear he wasn’t too happy.

“O sorry, I thought you were someone else” She said “I thought you were somepony else” A sense of pure sadness

appeared on her face.

“Roxy can we please go back in the cart!?” The man asked “I don’t want a lot of people to know about this?”

“What do you mean KNOW ABOUT this Clyde?” Roxy questioned “OUR BABY IS MISSING!”

“How long has she been missing?” I asked, I didn’t want to get involved, but it wasn’t like me to turn my back on something like this.

“3 years now” Clyde responded “Our baby Pinkie Pie hasn’t been around for 3 years now” I turned to see Roxy beginning to cry.

“Why did she leave?” Mike asked

“Well I don’t really know…” Clyde said his voice ultimately turning on the defense “but I know it wasn’t because I molested her sister! I mean who would do something like that? Not me! Not my brother either!”

I turned around to see the mouths ajar

“…okay” Tyler said stifling his contagious laughter

“Hey mama have we found Pinkie Pie yet?” a small voice echoed from inside the car. Clyde put his hoof out to blockade the small filly but it was too late as she had already popped out her small gray face.

“Inkie Pie, we haven’t found your sister yet but we will I promise” Roxy said, beginning to cry again.

“Okay this isn’t what we need were kind of in a shit storm ourselves over hear” Mike said, using generic Italian hand signals (Even though I’m the only Italian one of the group).

“We’ll leave y’all alone now” Clyde said, slowly shifting back into the room, Roxy following suit.

“Well that was…odd” Nico said

“Yup” I said “Let’s check up on the other passengers.”

I knew that this could be labeled either “Friendliness” or “Trespassing” either way I slowly opened Room 9 to meet this “Lyra”.

Inside was just like your normal train room, a small red bed on one side, a nice pair of windows on the wall, and in the middle of the room a minty green unicorn slouching over a pile of books, vigorously reading.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I asked

“Studying” Lyra said, not moving a single facial feature, her eyes just staring at the wall not even acknowledging our existence

“What exactly?” I asked

“Humans” Lyra said

“Humans?” I asked

“Yes, I know they are real! They are real! I’ve seen them! They are real! There trying to take over Equestria, THEN THE WORLD! But im going to stop them, WHERE ARE U DAMN HUMANS!.”

We all looked at each other, okay let’s just not even bother with this one.

“Okay” I said

“Okay”

…

“We’ll get leaving now” I said, slowly closing the door behind us.

The second Lyra’s door gently closed Room 8 almost exploded. Instantly we were all down on the ground after a loud bang was heard. I looked up to see half the door missing.

“Come in!” An old Australian like voice cooed from inside the room.

I slowly walked towards the door; the second my face moved over the corner a second explosion ran right through the wall right by my cheek bone, that part of the wall was gone as well. I instantly sprawled out in the ground, waiting for a 2nd attack.

“Sorry”

I put my hoof out (This time being semi-smarter) this time another gunshot demolishing the wall behind me.

“Sorry, last shot mate” The voice said, I finally rushed in to see an old looking soldier nursing a musket.

“Sorry mate, can’t be too safe these days with all those zebras running about” he said, taking a moment to sip some whiskey from a flask “My name is Commander Muttonchops, ex-commander of the Equestrian Musketeer unit”

“Cool story bro” I said, absent mindedly looking around the room, Commander Muttonchops didn’t seem to mind defiling the room. There were myriad whiskey bottles perched on shelves and on the floor, and the room itself seemed to be in

general disarray.

“What the hell bro” Mike shouted form the hall way “Does that guy have a gun or something?”

“How do you know about me Brown Bess?” Commander Muttonchops threatened, his voice a hushed shout.

Mike finally came into the opening where the door once was “Yea you are probably going to need to repair this door and also you might-“

Commander Muttonchops with a sleight of hand loaded the musket with stunning haste and fired off a shot at Mike, narrowly missing his balls. Mike took off galloping (Get it cause he is a horse!) towards Cart 2.

“IM GOING TO GET YOU LIL WANKER!” Commander Muttonchops shouted, reloading his levitated musket and running after Mike.

“RUN MIKE RUN!” Dan shouted, chasing after Mike. The rest of the gang instantly followed.

I was in one of those “WTF MY FRIEND IS GOING TO GET SHOT BY A WANKER HUNTER1111 meh” moments but i chose to meet this Mr. O’Patrick , mainly because I really couldn’t care if mike was getting shot at..

Molestation on the Equestrian Express

Run. Running was all Michael could think about at the moment, he turned around for a split second to make sure that he was safe. It didn’t take a 2nd shot for him to notice the crazy old snoiper was stillin hot pursuit.

Mike rushed into Cart 3 now, crashing into a long line of hard working coal ponies who must have been moving to a different quarry.

“Hey watch it!” One shouted

“SORRY KIND OF IN A RUSH” Mike shouted, not even giving a second glance. Mike could still hear the panting from the old sharpshooter from behind, how was he still so close to him?

“WHEN ILL BE DONE WITH YOU YOUR GOING TO WISH U DIED AS A FOAL!” He screamed, then shouting out “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOUR WORKING FOR, BUT WHEN I GET YOU YOUR GOING TO TELL ME, OR YOUR GOING TO HAVE ONE TO MANY ARSEHOLES AFTER THIS IS DONE”

What? Well time to run like a mother fucker Mike though. He stepped up the pace, masterfully dodging through a thong of ponies sitting down in a small section of booths. Just then the door opened, Mike’s head slamming right into it. For a second he blacked out, trying to stand up confused he finally came face to face with his attacker. The older ponies face looked as though he had walked a bit on a cool spring day, not running through a train shooting at someone full with innocent ponies.

“NOW ILL ASK YOU ONCE, HOW DO U KNOW ABOUT MY GUN?” Commander Muttonchops ordered, loading his gun again.

“uhhhhhhhh……. I made it?” Mike said making the lie sound more like a question then an actual statement.

“Like hell you did! I MADE IT!” Commander Muttonchops shouted

“O”

Just as Mike was sure he was about to get shot in the face, a stallion from one of the tables stood up and patted Commander Muttonchops on the shoulder, Muttonchops turned around quickly, the gun still loaded and pointed right at the mysterious stranger.

“Sorry if I am interrupting something abnormally important, but I have the strange feeling that your reaction is quite the overreaction. Is it not? The pony asked casually. He wore a light tan jacket and had one of those old English hats Mike had seen in movies.

“Stand back before I shoot ye skull in fifty different directions? Muttonchops screamed

“I see, I might just have to arrest you then” The pony said, pulling out a badge from his wallet “Sherlock Hooves, private detective. In service for the Equestrian Express Company in order to apprehend a certain somepony who has made his position a violent one. I might have to say you are that pony, unless you have anything to say about yourself.”

Wait……..Sherlock HOOVES? I don’t even…

“Well sorry sir! I didn’t know who I was talking to!” muttonchops said, quickly lowering the gun “This guy here just walked into my room and I had to defend myself!”

“I see, im going to assume you know you are on a civilian train full of innocent ponies?” Sherlock Hooves quickly rebutted

“Yea but…he tried to walk into my room!”

“You let me in!” Mike said, jumping at the moment to respond for himself.

“I see, which cart do u both belong to?” Sherlock Hooves asked

“Both of us are in 1” Mike said

“I see, do u need an escort back to your cart?” Sherlock Hooves asked

“Okay” Mike said. He didn’t really need an escort, all he wanted was to troll and embarrass Commander Muttonchops

“Okay, lead the way” Sherlock Hooves said.

The walk back to the cart was uneventful and Mike got the chance to look out the windows, it was the first time he actually noticed that the train was moving. The desert that at one time looked so dangerous and vast, was traveling by him in the blink of the eye, take that mother nature!

“Here we are” Sherlock said “Cart 1”

“Thanks for the help bro” Mike said. Commander Muttonchops stayed silent, choosing not to say anything.

Just then the sound of class getting smashed and a scream came from Cart 1.

“Da fuq was that!” Mike said. Sherlock Hooves took no time to rush in. Roxy was outside screaming, everyone was running out of there cabins to view the disturbance.

“MY BABY! WHERES MY BABY! INKIE PIE, INKIE PIE WHERE ARE YOU?”

O shit

“SOMEBODY TOOK OUR BABY!” Clyde screamed, looking around frantically for some help.

“What happened?” Sherlock Hooves asked

“O thank Celestia your hear Sherlock Hooves! Someone took our little baby Inkie Pie!” Clyde said

“Sherlock HOOVES? Vespi asked, yea I had the feeling

“Everyone calm down!” Sherlock Hooves said “Please mam, take a seat and tell us everything that happened.

***

Here we were, all seated in the hallway on the small couches like suspects, Mike, me, Sugar Blossom (Who herself rushed to the scene of the crime) and Dan were all on 1 couch. Lyra, Muttonchops, and the Pie family on the other, and on the last couch was Nico and Tyler. Sherlock Hooves chose to stand.

“Now tell us from the beginning what happened” Sherlock Hooves said in a clam reassuring voice.

“Well I went into Inkies Room, just to see what she was doing, and she was being dragged away by this hooded pony! He broke the window and jumped outside! I was just so scared I didn’t know what to do! Please find my baby Mr. Hooves!” Roxy said, beginning to sob again

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!” Clyde said, everyone turned their head to him “Well…you know…just saying.”

“I see, I’ll see what I can do mam” Sherlock Hooves said, pulling out a magnifying glass rom his breast pocket. “Everyone please stay seated, Ill return in a little bit with what I can find”

Sherlock Hooves then hurried into the next room and began his search. I then noticed This Mr O’Patrick was nowhere to be seen. Where had he been? We hadn’t visited him, mainly because right before Mike began getting chased by Commander Muttonchops, then we all got obsessed with that one rubix cube…then we played wall ball….then there came the scream. WAIT A FUCKING SECOND >:(!

“Guys” I murmured “O’Patrick”

“What?” Tyler asked

“O PATRICK” I said

“Patrick….” Nico began

“Lott” I said

I knocked vigorously on the door “MR HOOVES WEVE FOUND THE CULPRIT!”

The Chase

Sherlock Hooves sat down in the chair. We explained everything we knew about Patrick Lott, convicted pedo and our ex-vice principal. We told him everything we knew about him; we told him everything from his backstory to the victims to his obsession with cameras. Of course we covered up a lot of the history so it wouldn’t be about a human, but we skillfully weaved a lie that was practically impenetrable. If that makes any sense.

“I see” Sherlock Hooves said “This is a valid suspect though, I presume?”

“Yes, believe us” I said

“I see” Sherlock Hooves said, deep in thought “What is the best way to go about and capture this pony?”

We were all silent, no one had an actual idea on how to capture Mr Lott. Hell we weren’t even sure if he was the guy who took Inkie Pie, it just makes sense…since…you know. Then something hit me, what about Clyde? No. Clyde said it wasn’t him, so it couldn’t be him…

“Well we got to think of something” I said

Just then a knock on the door echoced through the hallway, I got up and opened it. The train still traveled on, even though it was near to midnight. I opened the door, there stood a pony, he wore a hat with- god dammit its only Harrison.

“Bonjour” I didn’t even respond, I just slammed the door on his face.

“Who was that?” Dan asked

“Harrison” I said

“What? No he died remember?” Dan said. He walked towards the door and opened it. Harrison was still there with the same facial expression.

“Bonjour” Harrison said again “Can I like come in?”

Dan gave it a thought “Whatever, only if you help us though, okay? Don’t steal stuff”

Harrison walked in “Evening mentlegen- I mean gentlemen” Harrison said “I heard we had a problem with a missing pony?”

“Actually yes” Sherlock Hooves said, standing up to greet the newcomer “I see you have a detectives hat, are you in the club?”

“Yea, I am in the detective club” Harrison said

“No there is no detective club. Just judging by how your ‘friends’ reacted to seeing you gave me the feeling you are an idiot” Sherlock Hooves said “But if you are willing to help I see no reason why we should obstruct you”

“Yes, no obstruction please” Harrison said “I have quite the plan to get the filly back, it is quite the genius plan to say the least”

We all looked at him withintrigue.

***

“GET YOUR CAMERAS! GOOD CAMERAS THAT CAN BE PLACED ANYWHERE!” I said. This was Harrisons plan, go into the carts and sell…video cameras. I don’t even know why they made me and Dan wear those fake mustaches…

“GET YOUR CAMERAS! GOOD CAMERAS! YOULL LOVE THEM SO MUCH, YOU CAN STALK ANYONE ANYTIME!” Dan shouted

“Hello, how much for a camera?” A stallion asked. He was a little older, he had a white mane and blue body.

“10 bits, excellent price!” Dan said. We were all ready to jump this bastard and beat him senseless until he told us where Inkie pie was.

“Great thanks, I think my wife is cheating on me” He said before scurrying off.

Well that plan blew. We only had one camera that Lyra gave us, and I doubt she will be happy when we tell her we sold it. The plan was drying up fast. No one could find Mr. O’Patrick, so it turns out we will have to find him, BY ANY MEANS NECCESARY.

We were just about to pack up when we noticed two ponies looking at us, but they quickly turned their heads. They looked at us for just enough time to arouse my suspicions. Nonetheless, not wanting to confront the two, we headed back to Cart 1.

The first thing we saw in Cart 1 seemed more like people waiting to get on an airplane for a vacation instead of a group all suspects for a disappearance. Mike and Sugar Blossom were casually talking, Mike just telling her about our daring exploits in the name of stupidity, Nico and Tyler were focusing on a Rubix cube…again, and Lyra was reading some book, probably about humans.

“Any luck gentlecolts?” Sherlock Hooves asked

“No, not really” I said “We saw these two staring at us but they quickly turned their heads, o and Lyra…we kind of sold your camera for 10 bits. My bad”

Lyra gave us a angry look but instantly went into her book again.

“So now what?” I asked

“I don’t know, I might alert some of the other staff to be on the lookout for anything suspicious, but I don’t know how much that could do” Sugar Blossom said

“Im going to go see if I can find Mr. O’Patrick” I said

“We’ve already checked, hes not in there” Sherlock said, that didn’t stop me from opening Door 10.

The inside of the room was rather cluttered, Not like Commander Muttonchops room full of whiskey bottles and other garbage, but this room was full of books. It looked as though someone had just gone to the bathroom instead of vanished. The light on a small table was still turned on, next to it was a big book.

I checked the title: “White Cloaks and Red Cloaks”. What was this guy a fashion designer? But this wasn’t just any book, it looked old. It reminded me of one of those ancient Medieval manuscripts you sometimes saw on TV. I had to take a lil look…

(15 Minutes later) *** (15 minutes later)

Okay, I am definitely showing the guys this…

I headed out of the room for a split second “Hey guys you got to see this” but instead of responding to me everyone was in a huddle.

“What’s going on?” I asked

“We have a new plan” Harrison said “All we got to do, is find a wizard”

“Harrison you might actually be a dumbfuck” Nico said

“No Im serious, because then he can just teleport us to Mr. Lott and we can find Inkie Pie.

“Is that even possible?” Mike asked

“I doubt it” Sherlock Hooves said

“I just say we go a little bit more aggressive”

***

Cart 2

“BUYING SLAVE FILLIES, GIVING GOOD OFFERS!”

Cart 3

“BUYING ALL UNDERAGE PONIES, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO OFFER”

Cart 4

“TRADING ITEMS FOR UNDERAGE PONIES, QUICK BUYING!”

Cart 5

“BUYING LITTLE EARTH PONY FILLIES!”

“How much for this one?” Some guy asked, he held up a little pink unicorn

“NOPE SORRY”

“Dad let me go!” The little filly said

Cart 6

“BUYING ALL LITTLE EARTH PONY FILLIES, NAMES STARTING WITH I PLEASE!

Cart 7

“BUYING ANY PONY NAMED INKIE PIE”

No luck still, we headed into Cart 8- should we have done something about that guy in Cart 5? Meh

Cart 8

“BUYING INKIE PIE, GIVING GOOD OFFERS”

“Cool I was really looking for someone to trade her with, no one buys them anymore” Some guy said

This was our chance, time to reel the bastard in

“Offer?” He asked

“100 bits”

“250 Bits” He responded

“110 and you can keep both her legs” Harrison said, o my god Harrison just no.

“150 and I can keep ONE leg” He said

“125 and you can keep one leg and one arm!” Harrison negotiated. Clyde and Roxy both looked shocked at how Harrison was bargaining for Inkies life. Yea probably not smart to bring the entire Cart here…

“Deal, but I choose which leg to keep” He said

“No you can choose with arm to keep!” Harrisons said…wait do ponies have arms?

“NO DEAL” He said

“Fine you can do whatever” I said, desperately trying to keep the negotiation going.

“Okay, follow me” He said. I gave a notion for Dan, Mike, and Nico to follow. Tyler and the rest were to remain behind not to draw attention.

We walked far away to the end of Cart 12, the last cart. In the caboose was the station where somepony would throw coal into the furnace, I realized it was so desperately hot and it being staff only meant that only one pony usually stayed in here.

“Yea I got this job and got this sick spot” He said In a sinister voice. He opened a closet, there was Inkie, curled into a ball.

He grabbed a nearby oyster mallet “Okay can we get started?”

“Like hell we are Patrick” I said, the second he turned around I threw a solid cross right for his chin, hitting him with full impact. He instantly got up and ran back into Cart 12.

“GET THAT MOTHER FUCKER!” I screamed, all four of us went running out chasing after him. Patrick was hustling through the crowd in a desperate attempt to escape. We chased him, dodging the crowd. Somehow Dan tripped, leaving us with only 3 people. Patrick Lott turned around and threw a wrench at us, Mike and I ducked but it hit Nico. That left two of us vs one of him.

We chased him down, where the fuck was the others? My worst fears made me realize they all probably went to Cart 1; it was just Mike and I on this.

We were at Cart 2, when Mr. Lott made a quick turn outside the train. I realized he was heading to the top of the train. We grabbed the ladder and both ran up. The wind was intense, so intense it was hard to hear anything, but in the night sky we saw Patrick running to the back of the train again.

We ran after him, steadily but circumspect In case we fell to our death.

The final standoff began, There was nowhere else to run. We stood off, Patrick on one side, Mike and I on the other.

“This is it” I said “Let’s go”

Patrick looked down at the speeding dunes of sand by him, then back at us with a smile. He wouldn’t.

“Nice try, but you’ll never catch me!” He jumped off the train onto the sand dunes, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

“Now what?” I asked, I couldn’t hear Harrison come from behind.

“My time to shine.” He said, his suit was on, and he had his machine gun “FOR HONOR AND GLORY!”

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ1GbBlS9wM)

Harrison jumped off the train, screaming at the top of his lungs, chasing after Patrick.

For Harrison, this was his brightest moment.

The Game

It was all over apparently. Sherlock Hooves and the staff checked the entire cart to the last speck of dust and found absolutely nothing, there was 0 trace that any of the 3 ponies were on the train. Sugar Blossoms remaining possessions were frisked and searched but to no avail, whoever this was, they had planned it.

“No trace what so ever” Sherlock Hooves stated, the 5 of us were concerned, but other than that we didn’t really care.

“We are now arriving at our destination: Las Pegas” A new announcer, a stallion, stated.

“We’re actually here?” I asked

“I advise you stay wary” Sherlock Hooves said, the door to our stop was already open, but it didn’t seem right to just leave Sherlock and the others here without saying goodbye.

“Thanks for your help Sherlock” I said

Sherlock was going to say thanks, but then Muttonchops shot his door in twain again.

“Did I get that bastard?” He asked

“Nope” Tyler said

“See ya Clyde, bye Roxy” I said

“Listen I really appreciate what you did before.” Clyde said in a hushed tone, he handed me a small bag of golden coins from his pocket “Thanks again, I don’t have much but this should be enough for you 5 to get some rest and relax”

“Thanks!” I said, MONEYEZZZZZZZZ! WE GOT ACTUAL MONEY!

“Bye Commander M” Mike said

“Stay smart you wanker!” He shouted back, yea Commander Muttonchops still didn’t like Mike.

“Bye guys” Lyra shouted “Tell me if you see any humans!”

We exited the train, we stood there a moment until it took off for its next stop

.

“Guys check it out” I said, showing everyone the contents of the bag

“How many bits do you think we have?” I asked

“It doesn’t matter, I got a sick idea” Mike said, I handed him the bag of coins.

“I saw this somewhere, we just cash like half these coins in for a credit card, then use the other half to gamble and make a fortune! Then we can just pay a ton on the card until it gets maxed then we just use the winnings to pay it off!” Mike said, already looking to see if such a store existed in the train station.

“That’s retarded, let’s just not pay the credit card at all and blow all the money here in Las Pegas.” Tyler said

“Even better” I said “Let’s get sick clothes and a suite at the most expensive hotel in Las Pegas. Then just do whatever people do in Las Pegas for a couple days”

“Drink? Gamble? Fuck?” Nico asked plainly

“Why not?” Dan said

“Okay LETS GO!”

***

“Here you go sir, to the MGM Cloudlofts!” I said, giving the driver a couple gold coins.

“Okay then” He said

The Limo was your typical limo if it was a car, but this was as close as we could find. On the inside I’d be impossible to see if you were in a normal Limo or a pony driven carriage Limo. The inside had AC, carpets, those sick windows, and free wine!

Mike pressed a button on a small remote that came to the Limo that closed that little window where u can see the driver, sick.

“So where are we going?” I asked

“The MGM Cloudlofts” Dan said, looking at the pamphlet “Our room has, 6 bedrooms, jumbo kitchen, balcony, window room, 80 inch flat screen TV, hot tub, 13 bathrooms, 26 closets, FOUR cup holders, and more”

“Wow that is sick” I said “Can’t wait to see that TV”

“You won’t need to wait for long” Nico said “Look over there”

I turned my head; the hotel looked like a huge…toothpick. It looked to be only one room thick and all that was viewable was a well-off lobby and an elevator. That’s it? Well at leastly it wasn’t raining, even if there were plenty of clouds.

“Hello we’d like to reserve a room, preferably penthouse” Mike said. The receptionist looked at him as if he was drunk.

“Okay, let’s see, 5 ponies for how many nights?”

“3” I said

“Okay then, that’ll be 2500 bits” She said

“Here’s my card” Mike said, she handed her the Equestria Express card and she slid it across the machine

“Okay here is your key, enjoy your stay” She said. How’d that work? Didn’t matter, we were still at this “MGM Cloudlofts”.

“This hotel blows” Dan said

“I doubt it, let’s just see what our room looks like” Mike said. He pressed the “Pent” button on the elevator and it went zooming up. Then I realized something, the rooms WERE THE CLOUDS! From below they looked like normal clouds but from this angle it was clear that they were rooms.

“Bro…” Tyler said in amazement. As we went from Level 1 to 99 the rooms just kept getting better, what would our room look like?

The door opened

Have u ever been in the most awesome house in the history of awesome houses? Well I am now.

If there were no windows you wouldn’t believe that this room was on a cloud. There was oak flooring and beautiful walls. In the middle was a mini fountain, on one side was a kitchen/pantry where there was already food, the flat screen TV was right behind the fountain. The entire wall behind the TV was glass so we could see all the casinos and hotels out in the city. There was our spot for our rooms and HOLY SHIT CUPHOLDERS!

“Look at this fountain!” Nico said

“Look at this TV” I shouted

“Look at this food” Dan said

“Look at these rooms” Mike said

“BRO LOOK AT THESE FUCKING CUPHOLDERS!” Tyler said

“So? Look at this TV!” Mike said

“DUDE LOOK HOW BIG THESE CUPHOLDERS ARE!” Tyler said, he took out a water bottle and put it in the cup holder.

“See? That is sick.” Tyler said “I could probably stick a second one in there.”

After a little time we found Tyler a shovel, he managed to destroy the lock to the minibar and we were set. Pretty soon we found a nice game of flutterball in-between the Cloudsdale Snow Flakes and the Pegasopia Thunderwings

So now what? Do we gamble? Do we lay around all day? Get (more) drunk? What should we do now?

“What should we do?” I asked “We still have the coins, gambling time?”

“Wait where in Las Vegas- or I mean Las Pegas am I right?” Mike asked

“yea”

“yup

“ “yes”

“GUYS SERIOUSLY THESE CUP HOLDER ARE AMAZING! I HAVE 2 WATER BOTTLES IN ONE CUPHOLDER!”

“I got a game we can play” Mike said “Everyone gather around, this is going to be sick”

“What?”

“Okay so heres my plan, we like go into a casino. Whoever doesn’t get laid…or like bring a mare home or whatever is like the loser” Mike said

“Why would we do that?” Tyler asked “I want to just study this cup holder”

“Come on, you know your not going to bring anyone home bro” Mike said. I had the feeling Mike would start stupid shenanigans…and I was right. WOOT!

“Fine im down” I said, taking another swig of scotch

“Yea” Dan said “Same”

“Fine” Nico said

“Can we bring my cup holder though?” Tyler asked

“Fine whatever” Mike said

“Okay then”

LET THE CLUSTERFUCK OF IRRESPONSIBILITY ENSUE!

Casino

“And that’s a why we gots to nail your testicles into the blackjack table” The one generic Italian American pony said, revealing a bag of nails, his friend pulled out a bag of nails. Everyone began backing away, only the 5 of us remained. The 3 pony hitman slowly walking towards us, out of the corner of my eye I saw another group of 3 watching from a balcony. I turned my head again to see a group of 4 ponies making eye contact with the 3 on the balcony. It was 2:1 odds, 10 versus 5.

“Who sent you”

“Whiskey”

“Joe?” Nico asked

“No Whiskey Peshi WHO DA FUCKS DO YA THINKS IT WAS!?”

I guess you’re not sure what the hell happened? We’ll let me rewind this shit storm for you.

(1 Hour Earlier)***(1 Hour Earlier)

“Alright you guys ready or what?” I said, calling from the limo. Mike and Dan hurried into the limo. In a second we were off, headed to the most fancy casino in Las Pegas.

“So who want to make a bet?” Mike said, taking a sip from the Limos wine selection, I had a feeling Mike had more than a buzz.

“What do you mean?” Nico asked

“I don’t know, I bet like 50 bits that Dan is going to lose” Mike said

“Shut up Mike, I bet 100 bits that you’re going to lose” Dan said

“Guys I bet 1000 bits BOTH of you lose” Tyler said, I then noticed Tyler had the cup holder in one of those booster seats. Tyler really loved that thing.

“Shut up Tyler get friends” Mike said

“Mike go home” Tyler said

“Guys relax” I said “We haven’t even gotten to the casino yet”

“Yea shut up Tyler” Mike shouted

“Come at me bro!” Tyler said

O god -_-

***

“SAY UNCLE FAGGOT!” Mike screamed, Tyler slammed Mikes head into the window

“uncle uncle uncle uncle” Mike whimpered

“Exactly” Tyler said “That’s why you don’t come at me bro”

“Okay guys let’s just relax” Dan said

“Yea seriously hug it out” Nico said…no don’t hug it out.

“Whatever were here, so let’s just get going so you can lose Tyler” Mike said.

“Your losing Mike” Tyler said “This just got personal”

The limo came to a stop; we looked out the window to see the most expensive casino in Equestria “Ponini's”; a massive building with a massive courtyard that also acted like a lobby and an even more massive selection of food and gambling.

“Wow this looks sick” Dan said. I smiled, I already had the advantage in our little game. Everyone had showered and bought some fine clothes to look presentable Everyone was wearing tuxedos, me on the other hand had a tuxedo and a hat. It is said (From what the internet told me) that a girl is most likely to figure out if she’s going to sleep with you during the first FIVE seconds that you meet. Considering everyone is wearing a suit, I’m the only one wearing a hat, more specifically a fedora, thus I am standing out thus I am going to win. Or so in theory

“Okay let’s cash these chips in” Mike said “I guess we are all going to stay together if we want to play slots or whatever”

“Fine” Everyone responded in unison

The cash was then traded in for chips.

“Okay let’s go guys” Mike said “I already got to plan”

We walked around a little bit, we weren’t exactly sure what to play since we have never gambled before, Dan and I finally began to persuade everyone to play a couple games of roulette. When we got to the area for blackjack and roulette, we noticed that this would be the perfect arena for our game.

There were several tables, all around a massive fountain. On one side was a place to cache your chips, next to a bar. Most of the tables weren’t just jam-packed with players, but spectators chanting and chit-chatting while the players put their money on the line. On one side was the blackjack tables, on the other side was the roulette tables.

Fortunately there was one Blackjack table completely empty.

“Guys want to play Blackjack?” I asked

We divided the chips into 5ths and we all took a share, we headed to the table and all sat down. We all waged a small portion of our chips, so we didn’t run out of things to do in one game.

“What are we playing, monopoly?” Tyler asked

“No Blackjack” I said, sitting down at the table. The pony tossed out 2 cards to each person.

“Hit me” I said, Tyler looked at me like I was insane. I had a 7, a 4, and a….second 4.

“Hit me” Dan, Nico, and Mike all said

“…Don’t hit me?” Tyler said

The dealer threw out another 4 cards.

“Stand” Nico had 20

“Hit me” I said, 7+4+4= 15+10=25. Bust.

“Hit me” Dan said, 10+2+10=22. Bust

“Stand” Mike had 19.

“I win?” Nico asked

“Wait u go to 21 right?” Tyler asked

“Yea” I said

“Whats an Ace?” He asked

“1 or 11” I said

“O, I think I won” He said, we all turned to see a 10 and an ace…Tyler won.

“Dude what?” I asked, I didn’t expect that to happen.

“Guys want to play again?” Tyler asked with a grin

***

Okay, it’s obvious, Tyler was hustling us. We played 33 games and Tyler won every single one of them! EVERY ONE OF THEM! After 26 I just gave up, took my few remaining chips and returned them into coins. Just enough for a couple drinks.

Meanwhile Tyler had a mountain load of chips, the mound 6 feet high at the top.

“Yea guys I think I’m doing pretty good for a newbie” Tyler said, after winning game 35

(30 Minutes Later)***(30 Minutes Later)

“TYLER! TYLER! TYLER!” Everyone had taken notice of Tyler and his little “gift”. The entire table was now crowded with spectators who watched eagerly as Tyler won and won again and again. Eventually he had so many chips we had to get a wheelbarrow and shovel most of the chips in.

“Wow look at that pile” Have you ever watched that movie Casino? With the guys in that Casino? Well he sounded just like the Nicky Santoro, I turned around to see what you’d expect from a casino floor manager, grey suit, imposing statue, and smoking in a clear non-smoking zone.

“Guys you might need another wheelbarrow, I think I might need it” Tyler said, winning game 79.

Watching Tyler win was getting a little monotonous, most of the spectators must feel it was just some undeniable storm of luck, I had the feeling Tyler had learned how to count cards or something. I met up with Dan and Mike at the bar.

“Is he still winning?” Dan asked

“Yup” I said, ordering another scotch…I just like scotch okay?

“So want to bang?” Mike said, I only heard a bitchslap then the mare walked away.

“yea that doesn’t really work” Mike said

“How many times did u try that?” Dan asked with a smile

“26 times” Mike said “I got slapped like 20 of the times”

“Nice Mike” I joked. I checked my pocket where I kept my chips, I had just enough for a couple games of something.

“Yo guys want to play some blackjack?” I asked, getting up.

“Fine” Dan said, inishing his drink and following me to cache our chips. Mike followed quickly behind us.

It was easy to find a table, half the casino was at the next table watching Tyler win it all. I saw someone bring out a third wheel barrow.

We all threw in a couple chips and lazily played. I turned my head to see that floor manager talking with a couple guys in black suits and other generic mob attire. My eyes widened. Were they here to end Tyler’s winning spree?

My fears flared up when I saw the 3 of them walk towards Tyler and his table. Then something strange happened, they didn’t stop there. They moved past the crowd of spectators and walked right up to our table. I pretended not to notice and went back to our game, but then the leader tapped me on the shoulder.

“Heyz there”

Yup they were in the mob alright

“Your names Vespi right? How do you pronounce that? Ves-pie? Ves-pi? Ves what now?”

“Like Ves-pe” I said, trying to calm myself.

“Questo e il tipo” He murmured to his friend. I wasn’t articulate in Italian but I’ve used Google translate enough to know that means “This is the guy”

“Can we help you?” I asked, now turning around to look at this thug face to face.

“Yea, a little bird told me that you and some guy has been having some problems? Am I right?” he said

“Depends who were talking about” I said. Who sent these guys? It felt like we were on everyones shit list. The Flim Flam Brothers, the Gryphons, Sugar Blosom and her cronies, Patrick Lott…

“Well it seems you stole this persons daughter’s innocence”

O thunder cunt

“That was Nico” I quickly said, Dan and Mike turned around and began to pay closer attention.

“Really? Well he says it was youz, and he paid us to find youz” The man said “And that’s a why we gots to nail your testicles into the blackjack table”

…..THUNDERCUNT

The entire group of spectators from the other table heard that and turned towards us,the majority of them turned and began to back away, feeling the tension in the air. Only my closest 4 friends remained.

“CUP HOLDER ACTIVATE!” I saw a plastic blur whiz by my ear, Tyler hit the guy in the face with the cup holder.

Dan and mike were up in an instant and pushed the other two ponies back.

The pony smiled “I love a challenge” he whistled

I noticed there was a group of 3, and a group of 4 who didn’t really fall back with the rest of the spectators, they came forward. 10 versus 5…well its 2:1, we still have a fighting chance.

“Wheres the rest of them?” The leader said, he whistled louder. A group of 5 rushed from one of the doors and joined the grup. 15 versus 5…well its 3:1, we still have a small chance.

The pony whistled again, 15 more ponies poured through the exits and joined them. They were armed with brass knuckles, knives, and baseball bats. 30 versus 5…well 6:1 were fucked.

“HEY DON’T TOUCH EM ASSHOLE!” someone shouted, I saw a gang of other ponies, all wearing ghetto clothing, big chains, hoodies and the entire wardrobe head towards us “The Flim Flam brothers told us to kill this bitch” There were another 30 of them. 60 versus 5…. 12:1 were double fucked.

Then someone threw a bottle from above, another mini-army of ponies appeared, they were all Gryphons…

“WE GOT THIS GUY, FUCK OFF, WE GONNA BEAT HIS PONY ASS!” One screamed. 90 versus 5. 18: 1…were triple fucked.

“No this is our job you amateur thugs” The mafia pony shouted

“Like hell it is punk! We got this!” the Crip pony said

“IN SOVIET GRYPHON LANDS, WE GOT THIS!” The Gryphon said.

Actually…

30 versus 30 versus 30 versus 5.

5:5:5:1

Still a fighting chance

Back in the Saddle (Actual Pre-Plot Ensues)

This chapter in a nutshell:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu7xiJ\_HD6c

I studied the room, there were 3 doors on the first floor. By the bar was the Italian Mafia contracted by Whiskey Joe. By the Roulette tables was the Crips Ponies that were hired by the Flim Flam Brothers. By the Blackjack tables stood the Gryphons who just hated our guts. You’d think they’d all band together to attack us, but instead I heard them begin to bicker on who got to kill us.

“We gots contracted first over here” The Pony mob leader said

“No we got this, stand back” The other 2 groups said

Just as I thought they were about to start an all-out war among themselves, you guessed it, a wall exploded. From the mist and rubble came Harrison the Juggernaut.

“Guess what I got guys?” Harrison asked

“What?” I asked, scanning the room. All the groups now had their eyes locked onto Harrison, all their faces full of surprise.

“CANADIAN BACON!” He said showing us some Canadian Bacon.

“Harrison, do you ever make sense?” I ask

“No, not really” He said

I turned around and finally realized that the 3 groups were already at a full out war. I turned around to see a derpy eyed pony Pegasus, with blonde hair (Stupid blond?) playing the piano

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDaayQj-vq8

All 3 gangs were now In a massive brawl, everywhere I looked I saw a huge brawl in-between the 3 gangs, no one was gaining the other hand. I ducked just in time, some asshole threw a bottle at me.

From above a Mafia pony was knocked off the balcony and landed on a blackjack table, slamming his head hard against the solid table. Someone threw a harpoon, someone tried to throw someone in the fountain, a bat flew, you get what I mean.

“Uhhh, guys lets meet in the bathroom for a sec” Mike said, We quickly exited the scene of pointless violence and headed to the John.

“So…..WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Mike asked. From outside we could still hear the piano song playing and the many cries and screams of the brawlers outside.

“Wait where’d Tyler go?” I asked, looking around. There were only 4 of us, I heard gunshots outside so I assumed Harrison was outside still in the fray, where’d Tyler run off to?

“He cached his chips and ran” Nico said

“Wow he would leave” Mike said

“So what’s the plan?” I asked

“RUN. LIKE. A .MOTHER. FUCKER” Dan said plainly

“Guys we got to fight, there just going to track us down again” I said “If we win, I promise, we will go out for ice cream”

***

Conor opened his eyes, he looked up for the first time in what felt like forever. He tried to remember everything that happened…

They were in a forest….looking for a………….book….for…………Trixie………….the………….Great and Magnificent, so she could drive us too…………MARINGTON! Then………there wa

s a………………………….a………………………………..a………………..

“O good your awake” I feminine voice said, Conor turned his head (Which was surprisingly difficult) to look at this pony. She was a simple looking nurse. No real memories flooded back to him about her, it must be his first time meeting her.

“Do you remember your name?” She asked

“Con-or” He said, it felt like he was trying to lift a heavy weight

“Just relax and try and get some more slee-“ But before she could finish her sentence a pink ball of energy enveloped the door, breaking it off its hinges.

“I HEARD SOMEPONY WAS AWAKE!” It was a young pink pony, pink coloring and a pink mane “I THINK ITS TIME FOR A PARTY”

“How many times have we told you to shoo!” The nurse said, gently pushing the pony out of the door. “Sorry, she was the one who brought you here, She seems pretty fond of you”

Conor smiled, he had 0 fucking clue on what she was talking about.

But he was back in the saddle

***

“FUS RO DAH” I screamed, throwing the Gryphon off the 2nd floor balcony, he went flying landing neck first into the stairs.

“Vespi we got to get going!” Mike shouted, clubbing a pony with a crowbar

“Why?” I asked

“I told the Limo to pick us up at Midnight, come on!” Mike said. The two of us ran for the exit, the entire room of aloof hit man allowing us to sneak through and run for the exit. Dan and Nico were already outside

“Wheres Harrison?” I asked

“Fuck Harrison let’s go!” Dan said

We quickly rushed into the limo and Dan flipped the driver a couple coins.

“Wait are we still going out for Ice Cream?” Nico asked

*** Meanwhile back at the Casino…

“Where’d those bastards go?” The Mob leader asked. He and the remenants of his men checked the entire area and found nothing, they practically had fought until the fountain was red. He had to hop from part of the floor to the other where there was no crippled body or ton of blood.

“Hes not over here!” One of his men asked

“Not over here either” Another grunt said.

He looked around, there were too few of his guys left standing, they had won the fight but they didn’t have anypony to chase down there target.

Just then the door opened

“Hey guys I was just curious if anyone had seen Vespi or his friends you know?” The guy turned around- EGGH FUCK IS THAT!

“What are you?” One of his men asked, taking the surprise a little better

“Justin Bieber, I just wanted to talk to them for a sec”

“Get the fuck outta here!” One of his men threatened.

“You won’t like me when im angry”

***

The Ice cream was pretty good, won’t lie. We were all eating ice cream and talking about what just happened, we had no time to change so everyone was looking at us in our once prideful expensive gambler suits, they were now nothing but bloody rags.

“So now what?” I asked

“THIS JUST IN! A 50 FT MONSTER IS ON THE ROAM IN LAS PEGAS! ALL CIVILIANS ARE TO EVACUATE

IMMIDEATELY” I looked at the small TV screen they had positioned in the ice cream store. A crew of pegasus had a shot of a 50 foot monster alright, it was clearly a girl! A human girl! Then it turned around, o wait it’s just Justin Bieber.

“MUST DESTROY HUMANS!” He screamed, picking up a house full of screaming people.

“Really?” I asked in surprise

“Yea really…” Dan said

Flight Lessons

The door slammed hard and fast after we all entered. Sure enough, there was Tyler sitting down watching TV. The only thing on was obviously the 50ft Justin Bieber but he had managed to find some sitcom that I didn’t pay any attention to.

“Thanks for leaving us” I said

“Bro, look in the sunroom” Tyler said

“Why did yu leave us!?” Mike asked

“Bro, look in the sunroom”

“Tyler stop being gay, why’d you leave us?”

“Bro, look in the sunroom”

I opened the door to the sunroom. The sunroom was located on the bottom floor of our suite and was basically just a room for the sun to get in. I looked inside, a massive mound of golden coins controlled more than half the room, at its apex it almost hit the ceiling.

“Tyler…” I said

“Yea I know right? They’regoing to be pretty mad”

“Speaking of mad…”Nico said, looking out the window “Check this out”

We all tried our best to stop looking at Massive Money Mountain and see what Nico was talking about. We all looked out the window, in the distance we could see the 50 ft Justin Bieber destroying buildings and breathing fire.

“Guys we have to stop him” I said

“Why? Can’t we just…not do anything?” Tyler asked

“No” I said “We need to find a way”

We heard a small muffle, like someone trying to clear their voice, but it wasn’t from any of us.

“I couldn’t help but overlook your predicament”

….

…

…

…..

RUSSIAN GUY IS BACK :D

“How did you find us?” Mike asked

“I have many eyes and many ears, I have been tracking you for some time now, I just haven’t been able to contact you. I hear you want to take down that 50 Ft Girl over there”

“it’s actually a guy” I said

“…That’s a guy? Wow, well yes I’ll leave you to your own devices now, but I’d check the roof if I were you.”

“Wait what do you mean?”

But the room fell silent. Our curiosity already got to us, what could be on the roof?

Each suite was situated on a cloud, which was the basic foundation of the suite itself. Since none of the suites were physically attached to one another this meant anypony could go onto their suite roof. But I doubt any of them had a helicopter on top of their roof.

It was a helicopter alright, it looked like a Blackhawk. On each side was a M60 loaded with belts of ammo. Perturbing from the sides were 2 lines of deadly air to air missiles. The front window for the pilot and co-pilot was covered in a wall of bullet-proof glass. There was even a place for a navigator to sit.

“I CALL FLYING” I said

“No I do!” Dan said

“No, I call it”

“Be mature guys” Nico said

“Fine Vespi, Rock Paper Scissors?”

***

Flying a helicopter was like riding a bicycle. Except you don’t die in a fiery death when you fuck up on a bicycle, flying a helicopter was a far cry from riding your bicycle for sure. Right by my hooves and Dan’s hooves (I won ;3) is a wall of buttons, levers, and other tempt able things to touch. Pressing the wrong button could mean I accidentally trigger self-destruct, if I pull the throttle up we go into a damn nosedive, if I go down we do a backflip, if I press the AC button there’s a small chance I might fire flares and start a fire, strangely it seems easier than driving a car though.

Mike was on my side’s gun and Tyler had Dan’s side. Nico was left huddled in the corner.

“Guys can we like switch with the guns?” Nico asked politely

“No, just be the navigator” Mike said. Nico put on the microphone and gave out a long exhale.

“Okay guys, let’s see if this works” I said nervously, I slightly pulled the throttle, for a second I thought nothing happened, then I realized we were slightly hovering over the roof. I moved us forward a little, we got off the edge. IM FLYING! Or well I could already fly BUT IM FLYING A HELICOPTER

“Let’s get em!” Mike said. I took it slow and easy, flying the helicopter at a high altitude until I realized none of us could breath, so I brought it down to 100 feet. From above we could see some pegasus flying and adeptly shooting arrows and firing magic at the Beibs, but to little affect. Funny how the military is already here while back in our world they wouldn’t give a crap

I broght the throttle up and we went into a gentle dive, I turned to the left and allowed my gunmen to spray at the 50ft Bieber, that did nothing but piss him off. He put his one hand up, even as a magical white bolt hit him in the eye and swatted at us. I dodged to the left, narrowly missing him. I turned around and fired several rockets at him. They hit right at the right elbow and he let out a horrendous scream. But he went on with his assault and smashed a pegasus who was in midair.

Time and time again, I managed to dodge his strikes and fire rockets, all the while my wingmen were firing belt after belt of M60 ammunition at him. It was doing work, but not enough at all. He was bleeding but he was still on his feet and fighting.

“I’m all out of ammo” Mike confessed. I checked my rocket supply, zero.

“Same” Tyler said

I concocted an idea

“Nico where are we?” I asked

He checked the machine and looked over it furiously “I believe we are in the air”

Facepanel

“How many parachutes do we have?” I asked

“6”

“Everyone take a parachute.” I ordered

“What are you doing Vespi?” Mike asked, taking a parachute

“Relax, I got this, now get going” I said gravely. Mike reluctantly jumped out, managing to pull his parachute, Nico chose to just fly out, Tyler followed suit, and finally Dan took his

“Good luck”

“Relax, im just cramming a Blackhawk Helicopter down 50Ft. Justin Biebers throat” I said

After Dan left I steered the helicopter straight and into a straight line, I accelerated as fast as possible. The second before impact Justin turned around, but by then my ass was already out of the heli.

I glided down but the force from my fall was too strong, I tried to steer myself but the ground was coming to me, fast.

You won’t believe what happens next.

She Insisted

I jumped, to be perfectly honest I didn’t think I’d have the reflexes to jump out f the helicopter in time, but I did. I had already yanked my seatbelt off long before, just as I could see the whites in the eyes of the big monster I bolted out the door. From behind me I could feel the heat of the explosion pushing me forward.

I put my wings to good use, I tried my best to glide but I couldn’t get out of the nose dive I was in, I pulled up and hard, gliding now half upside down and saw the damage and havoc caused by the hit. The blades of the helicopter had flung off the machine itself, while the majority of the helicopter acted like a dodge ball, the blade actually went in his mouth and down his throat. Justin Bieber slowly tried to survive from the fatal attack but eventually  he lurched forward and fell. I barely took notice of what the army was doing at the moment, but I had the feeling they were already clearing out of the air space.

Then I hit a cactus, I didn’t really notice how low I was to the ground…

I woke up back on the couch in our living room, my head hurt like hell and I felt crippled but other than that I was fine.

“Hello?” I asked, slowly getting up. Well I  wasn’t crippled, that was for sure. Now all that bothered me was the fact I don’t know what the hell happened and the other fact that I was REALLY FUCKING SORE!

“O hey bro” Mike said. I looked towards the kitchen, he and Dan were sitting there.

“What you guys doing?” I asked

“Im trying to learn how to count cards” Mike said, I saw Dan throw two cards down by him then two by Mike.

“Hit me?” Mike said with a questionable tone

“29” Dan said

“Dammit” Mike said

“What happened” I asked

“You hit a cactus” Mike said

“31” Dan said

“Come on…” Mike said

“Wheres Tyler and Nico?” I asked rubbing my head

“Tyler’s getting a pizza and Nico’s in the john” Dan said, tossing out a third card for Mike.

“54…” Mike said. Face desking

The door opened, Tyler walked in empty hooved…or empty handed whatever

“Yea well Justin Bieber landed on the Pizza place so yea…that blows” Tyler said

“We have all that money in the room over there and we still don’t have dinner?” Mike said

“Yes, we do have grapes though” Nico said, showing us a handful of grapes from the fridge

“I hate grapes” Dan said “I am not eating those”

“More grapes for me” I said

“I SEE YOU AND YOUR GRAPES!” It called out. I jumped and practically fell off the stool, the remaining grapes hit the floor…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO D:!

“What?” Nico asked also shocked. We haven’t heard from this voice in a long time, what, back when we were in

Fillycolly? We had almost forgotten about the cruel thing that had brought us into this world!

“You have proven yourselves survivable, you have managed through much but have achieved so little!”

Then the Russian dropped by

“Nigga please, im getting these kids out of this world and back to ours.”

“No no you are not!”

“Come at me pony scum!” The Russian said

“You go Russian!” Mike said

Someone knocked on the door

“Hang on both of you shut up, so I don’t have to explain why my roof can talk” I said. I walked to the door and opened it, Two guards stood there, looking proud and presentable in there golden armor. Both were unicorns, one white and the other greyish grey.

“Hello sir were you the pony that took down that 50 Foot monster before?” The grey one asked

“Yes, me and my 4 friends did so” I said. Mike and Tyler walked up to, studying the two guards with curious eyes.

“Your action saved many lives, and killed my brothers ex-wife, good job” The Grey one said with a small smile “You are all needed in Canterlot under orders of Princess Celestia”

Princess who? I don’t even know as long as we get dinner im cool with it.

“Okay, lead the way” I said, trying to not sound surprised.

The 6 of us all crammed into the small elevator and headed towards the lobby, there a carriage was already waiting for us. It was apparently a VIPs carriage only as it seemed to be imbued with the Celestia’s icon, that’s what the white guard said at least.

We traveled by carriage for a little bit until we were dropped off at the train station. From there instead of seeing a massive train like the Equestrian Express, we saw a small privatized train, again it was imbued with Celestia’s sun.

From there our two guards left us and we were guided around the train by a new unicorn guardsman. Instead of wearing the basic golden armor the first two wore he wore a more ornate armor with golden rivulets and purple (Won’t lie…gay) on his chest he wore a small little pennant shaped like a small purple star. His cutie mark was a blue shield with that same purple icon. He introduced himself as Shining Armor.

“ We will be in Canterlot by tomorrow morning” Shining Armor said “Sorry for alerting you on such short notice, but Princess Celestia insisted on welcoming you to Canterlot”

“Insisted?” Mike asked curiously “Or are you going to try and seduce me then stab me like on the last train I was on?”

“…………………………………………………………………………No” Shining Armor said awkwardly

“Okay cool bro” Mike said

“Also did you happen to have a 5th person in your little group?” Shining Armor asked

“Yea” I said cautiously, trying not to divulge what exactly happened to Conor

“Well because somepony woke up from a coma in Canterlot Hospital and said he knew you guys”

Conor was awake? We were going to Canterlot? We were- AWWW SHIT WE LEFT THE MONEY BACK THERE!”

Its been a 150 page story, but we are almost to Ponyville. Good luck reader! Perhaps you will finish this fic with SOME of your brain cells intact

-Vespie

4 FAILS 1 Chapter 0 Logic

“RIGHT?” Sam asked his companion. They wouldn’t forget about them right? Right? ……….right?

“Relax, eat some skittles man” Marshal said, handing his friend some skittles. Sam took the entire bag and shoved it in his mouth, denying all laws of logic.

“Okay?” Marshal said “I wanted some too” He frowned, Marshal didn’t like to admit it, but his companion over here was the king of the hipsters. He was a hipster before being a hipster was cool.

***

“You have failed us twice now, I don’t see why I should listen to you” The red hooded pony said to Sugar Blossom.

“Trust me, these two know more about our target than any other pony. We talked to that farmer and his daughter, we talked to the Flim-Flam brothers, we talked to the Gryphons, nothing. These guys on the other hand already have their trust, we need them”

“Well then you should get started” The pony said, already heading into the shadows to observe his companion. Sugar Blossom checked if anyone had noticed her friend, no one had done so much as turned their head Sugar Blossom gave a small smirk. She looked down, she had the feeling she’d be able to play the character. This was all her plan and she had it worked out to the very steps she took. She had the feeling she would buy her targets trust, she wore a prim and tidy black business suit the mare version of course (Which was clearly made for seduction and style then utility), and already had a limo chariot waiting for them outside. What lured the two in such a position still confused Sugar Blossom though, it was almost as if they wanted to make the meeting here in the torch of the Statue of Friendship, but then again she doubted they had any clue that she even had her hopes targeted on them. If the next attack failed, there information would be desperately needed.

The plan was simple, convince them to accept a job with them and then use their knowledge of the first 7 humans to hunt them down and kill them before they do any serious damage. How willing they would be to betray there friends were more or less of a grey spot, but everypony had their price.

“Hello Gentleponies” Sugar Blossom said “I know this sounds brash, but would you two be interested in a-“

“BITCH WE GOT A SITUATION OVER HERE! WE ARE OUT OF SKITTLES!” Sam said, putting both his hooves up to block her approach. Sugar Blossom had two options now, throw a knife through their brains, or walk back and try a different plan. She chose the latter and went back into the shadows.

Sugar Blossom tried a different approach, she bought a pack of skittles from a nearby vendor and attached it to a fishing pole. She threw the line out and the skittles landed right at their hooves. Interested the two followed, chasing after the skittles attached to the fishing hook. Eventually Sugar Blossom pulled the fishing pole in, there were no skittles on it! She looked around the corner she was hidden by and saw that they had got the skittles! But how?

“Thanks for the skittles” Marshal said, om nom noming on the skittles.

Sugar Blossom frowned; there was now only one way to get to these guys, by force.

She sent a hoof signal to her brother in the red cloak and he sent a message to another person in red cloak. Almost immediately 10 ponies in red cloaks swarmed the 2 and dragged them out.

Sugar Blossom gave a deviant smile, job accomplished

Her job though: FAIL

The train was going far faster than the Equestrian Express, it was either the magic furnace that Shining Armor boasted about or the fact it was a small and private train. There weren’t legions of other passengers on this train, just the crew and a small squadron of Royal Guards, all wearing golden armor and helmets with blue plumes.

“We should be arriving in Canterlot in a couple hours” Shining Armor said. Just then I heard a small pop, as if something had landed on the train. I knew I was just being paranoid we had clearly had a lot of bad experiences on trains. I hadn’t had a lot of sleep even though I was feeling back to normal.

The noise happened again, this time I just had to take a look. I put my head out the window and looked up we just had a moose on top of the cart.

“Hey Shining Armor there is a moose on the cart” I said

“Again?” Shining Armor asked, he took his sword and poked the moose, causing it to fall over.

***

The Red Cloaks bursted through the windows, shattering the ground with debris.

“Where is Vespi!” The leader ordered, then something hit him.

“Sir…I think this is the wrong train” One of his men replied

“How can we help you?” One of the 5000 Gryphon prisoners asked, all of whom were being brought to a special jail in the mountains.

The Red Cloaks looked around, none of them had any chains on. O they were going to have a bad time.

FAIL

***

“VISTA WHY DON’T YOU WORK!” The scientist said, slamming his fist against the table, it broke right through the table. It was the 15th table he had broken this week, the entire operation had been a massive storm of stress for him. He had worked hard for this dream to happen, but now he was being beaten down by countless error and the other mysterious being.

Boris had no doubt it was a pony from their world, but what kind of pony was that powerful? He had studied there world a bit but had a feeling it had to be some pony special. He just couldn’t put his finger on it.

The only thing he could send in so far was a moose, but since it glitches it randomly spawned nowhere special, which clearly was no help to the boys.

FAIL

***

Conor fell off his hospital bed

“Great” he sighed

FAIL

Canterlot

The train began to slow; the conductor began to shout orders to the few active crew to get ready to stop. The 5 of us the entire trip, besides the moose part, hadn’t done much. In reality, we had been hustled onto the train and it took off like a lightning bolt. It clearly was far faster than the Equestrian Express, because we were already almost there. I wonder what Canterlot looks like, is it big? Shiny? Big and shiny?

“There on our right is Canterlot City, we will be there in under 15 minutes.” Our conductor said, they really didn’t need a conductor since 90% of the crew had already been to Canterlot, but it was a nice edition.

Canterlot looked like some city out of a fantasy movie. It was a massive city, seated on top of a mountain. Next to it stood a behemoth of a water fall, falling almost from the sky, the city itself was impressive but it was hard to miss the castle. The entire area was adorned with huge spiraling towers of white and yellow and a huge land space. I could even see a massive telescope coming out of one of the towers, an observatorical expansion of some sort?

“GUYS WE LEFT THE MONEY BACK THERE!” Tyler shouted, Tyler was kind of…stupid, if you haven’t noticed and it kind of take him extra time to figure things out.

“Who cares!? Look at that observatorical expansion they have” Nico said

“Wait, who sent us again?” I asked

“Princess Solestia or something?” Mike said

“Celestia I think” Dan said “Why would a princess want us to come to her castle?”

“o my god Dan Its obvious, we are getting paid because we slammed a helicopter into a 50 foot Justin Bieber who was going to destroy the entire city of Las Pegas, including the army of Gryphons, Mob members, and Gangsters who were going to murder us.” Mike said, common knowledge is common knowledge.

“Okay we are almost there guys, like 10 minutes” Shining Armor said. Just then we hit the threshold of the city; passing the train station. What is going on? Then I realized, this Princess Celestia must have her own trains station at her castle.

We rode the rails through tunnels and through gardens. We passed through the entire city of Canterlot almost. Everywhere the rails took us, we saw beautiful looking houses, rich looking ponies wearing suits and fine dresses, and one drunk homeless guy who was eating a live mouse.

Eventually we got a close up of Canterlot Castle. It was just as big as you would have imagined, a moat covered the entire thing. The Castle was safeguarded by the waterfall off to its side, it formed a natural moat that ended into another waterfall. Over the center was a massive wooden and brass gate with guardsmen at watch towers. Just as soon as I thought we were going to go through the front gate, we made a sharp turn and went around Canterlot Castle. We entered through a well-guarded back door. We were here.

Almost before we got off the train a massive barrage of flashes and non-seneschal babbling hit us like a brick wall. I then noticed that a massive army of members of the press were wildly shooting cameras and asking questions at us, we haven’t even set foot in Canterlot yet.

“Lieutenant, what is with all of these reporters here?” Shining Armor asked

“We had to let them in sir?”

“Princess’s Orders?”

“No, they blew a hole in the wall sir” The Lieutenant said quickly, obviously embarrassed to state that the ROYAL GUARD had been powerless against an army of eager reporters.

Shining Armor face hoofed and gave out a sigh “Fine, guys just walk fast, look straight, and talk to no one”

The door opened, everyone basically exploded at the sight and the flashes all went off almost at the same time, practically blinding us.

“Out of the way! Out of the way! All questions will be answered later at an interview!” Shining Armor said him and two guards pushing through the crowd of reporters for us. Even with Shining Armor’s orders it was hard not to turn around and tell people to get the fuck out of your face. It is more rage inducing then someone talking over you or even people breathing loudly into their mics on Xbox. Imagine a monkey that weighed just as much as you jumping on your back, blinding you and screaming in your damn ear. What would you do? Frankly I’d like to throw thee reporters into the moat,  but I doubt our story will look good under the headline “Stallion Throws Reporter into Waterfall”.

“Sir how did you defeat the monster that attacked Las Pegas”

“What did you sir do to help safe Las Pegas?”

“How do you like Canterlot so far”

“What do you want from Canterlot?”

“JUMBO SHRIMP, ALCOHOL AND FOR ONCE AND 8 HOUR NIGHT SLEEP” Mike shouted, I could almost see the disdain on Shining Armor’s face, but by then we were already approaching the massive back gate guarded by soldiers with spears. The 8 of us hurried inside and the gate was sealed behind us.

“Well that is done with, I’ll show you to your rooms” Shining Armor said. He dismissed his two guards and we passed through a giant artificial redoubt. Piles of dirt were stacked high and then smoothed out to make an artificial high ground; the bottom entrance was coated in steel and teeming with guard towers.

Once we got passed that it was apparent that Canterlot Castle was more than just a military stronghold. Like we saw on the train, it had gardens and room after room full of an amazing assortment of things. Café’s, bedrooms, party rooms, lounge rooms, wine cellars, tennis courts, observatorical areas, bars, minibars, its own club, an artificial FUCKING LAKE, 5 pools, 607 closets, 3 armories, 17 food courts, a dozen sun rooms, a make your own sundae bar, dungeons, art room, game room, an inside fort, and a shit ton of other things. I knew I’d be pretty easy to get lost in this castle.

The only bad part about this was we had to travel through all of that, Shining Armor even looked confused at some times and eventually he had to just ask for directions at times. But it was obvious he knew a fair part of the castle.

“Cadence!” He shouted what the fucks a Cadence? Then I turned around and realized he was talking about a pony, but this was just no ordinary pony. Most ponies have a horn, or wings, am I right? Well this bitch got a horn and some wings :O! Was this some other princess or something? She was a pink unisus (Unicorn Pegasus?) with tri-colored hair of deep purple, pink, and yellow white.

“Shining Armor!” She said, coming in for a hug and a kiss. Dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

“Dude, that’s hot” Tyler said always trying to piss off authority.

“Guys this is my wife, Cadence” Shining Armor said, basically ignoring Tyler’s snide remark.

“Hi” She said “Wait, were you the ponies who killed that giant monster over Las Pegas?”

“Yea, that was all me” Mike said, I wasn’t sure to frown in disapproval, or smirk, Mike might lie, but he does it only to entertain everyone.

“Wow, that was amazing!” Cadence said

“Yea, we better get going, see ya Cadence (;3)” Shining Armor said, clearly insecure about getting upstaged by Mike; hes such a bro.

“So here are your suites” Shining Armor said, showing us our level of rooms. We instantly all fanned out and called rooms.

“My room has free shampoo it’s the best!” Tyler shouted

“All of ours do!” Nico shouted

Before we knew it we all were given precise orders from Shining Armor. He told us to get ready, there should be clothes already ready, and get prepared for the interview. A lot of ponies had heart about the giant monster, and even more had seen it on PonyTube (Our YouTube… couldn’t’ they have called it YouTube anyways?) via amateur eye-witnesses, AKA, idiots with phones.

It didn’t take long to realize that this could be an interesting night, we all were ready and were basically out on the stage almost. Then I realized there were 6 seats, was Conor going to be up here with us? Then I realized it was far worst.

“Who’s the 6th seat for?” I asked

“Well we got called up by a pony who said he knew you guys, he explained a lot and we agreed to let him on” The guy said. Well the guy probably had a name, but since im terrible with names, ‘ll just call him the guy

“Whats his name?” I asked

“He called himself, Harrison”

O

God

The Interview

“Howdy” Harrison said with his generic stupid smile. This was actually the first time I had seen him without his juggernaut suit on. Brown coloring and a black tail for a unicorn seemed pretty boring. Almost reminded me of Harrison’s skin type, him being Lesbian and all, Lesbians come from Lebanon right?

It’s not that I didn’t like Harrison, or he was trying to ruin our fun, he was just too stupid to function in a serious occasion. I’d happily have him hand out with us if we were just doing stupid stuff, but we were about to go on national television about a serious current event. What was he going to do that would add to the conversation? Drool and take a nap?

“You’re on guys” That guy said, I really should learn his name…

I gave him a nod and the 6 of us headed out, I quickly took the first seat there, Dan sat next to me. Ayan took the 4th seat, now Mike AND Nico had to sit next to him, derp.

“3”

Here we go

“2”

Better not fuck up now

“1”

Look at me now, im getting paper, look at me now, fresher than a mother fucker- wait dammit got to stay focused.

“Hello and we are live here in Canterlot with an interview with the 6 Stallions who defeated what is now called the ‘Las Pegas Behemoth”, hello gentlecolts how are you feeling today”

“Good” Everyone mumbled

“Fantastarino” Harrison said, I quickly muffled his stupidity with a loud cough.

“So I’m sure you guys have a lot to tell us so far, but I have one serious question first. How did you kill this monster?”

I gulped, how would we explain the helicopter?

“Well, they like, invented like a helicopter…then they like drove it into his mouth and it like died” Harrison said

“A helicopter? What is that?”

“It’s a machine that you can use to fly” Mike said, perfect answer. Not too vague, not too descriptive, perfect.

“Interesting, and who invented it?” The reporter asked

“I did” Harrison said

“That is pretty amazing, do you have blueprints you could show us?”

“No, I ate them” Harrison said, I slammed my head against the table.

“Hello Sunny Days with Pony News” A female reporter said “What were you doing in Las Pegas? Normal vacation?”

“Yea, we were just bored and said lets go to Las Pegas” Nico said

“Yea, but you like got attacked by ninjas and I chased a pedophile off like the train and yea” Harrison said

“Ninjas Harrison, what are you retard- I mean stupid?” I asked

“Yea stop being a fucking retard gay” Mike said. I guess he realized we were on National Television right now.

“BOTH OF YOU CHILL YOUR TITS!” Nico said

“Shut up Nico, go back to Brandy” Mike retorted

The crowd must of known that must have been the mother of all burns, because everyone began going “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

“Okay guys everyone relax” Tyler said, finally talking

“Uhh yes please, yes I have a question. Where are you ponies from and we never actually got a name yet?” One pony asked. Shit, I swear to god I wish we could talk telepathically, because in 3 seconds when we all blurt out our answers we are going to look like idiots. I pray to God that we all say the same thing, we are all from Ponyville?

“Fillycolly”

“Canterlot

“Ponyville”

“Las Pegas”

“Marington”

“New Jersey guys”

Okay that could have gone better

“Manehattan you said, Mr.?”

“Nico” Nico responded, I guess we would just use our normal names since we are too stupid to remember our code names.

“I see, and what did you do there?”

“…I was a farmer”

“He was a manwhore” Mike said, Dan and I began laughing really hard

“Excuse me?” The reporter asked

“Sorry, he said he was a MANWHORE” Harrison said loudly. I couldn’t help but crack up.

“Harrison shut up” Nico said

“Come at me bro” Gayan said, Nico threw a stapler at Harrisons head, end of argument. That would shut him up for a little bit too.

“Okay… So how did you all meet?” Another reporter asked

“I knew these guys since like we went on this adventure” Harrison said

“What adventure, care to tell us?” The reporter asked

I have the feeling our entire story here will be summarized in a minute, by an idiot.

“Well we started like in Fillycolly, then they got kidnapped by some weird pony. Then I like shot her, then they shot me. Then they hijacked some guys steam car…thing I don’t even know. Then like I came in and chased after them and they killed me again. Then they blew up, then they blew up twice. Then a giant piece of metal crushed Vespi, then they met Whiskey Joe. Mike then was just like gay and locked the door to the house during like a huge storm and all of them were like just stuck in the barn. Then like Nico and the farmer’s daughter like made babies and everyone was trapped inside, then in the morning like Vespi almost got shot and everyone ran away. Then they like went to Marington and killed a bunch of beavers.

“Then like then went to Stalliongrad and like almost died there again, then someone nuked the place and they walked through the desert. Then like it got weird and they went on the train, then Mike almost got killed, and I chased after a pedobear. Then we went to Las Pegas, got in a huge fight and we then came here. So like YEA”

Everyone was quiet, now come to think of it that sounded like one hell of a journey, I should write a book about it.

“So…who do you think will take the flutterball pennant?”

“Snow Flakes” I said

And that was the interview in a nutshell

Want a story that makes sense? Find another author

So much win, so little time

“Well thank you guys, hope you enjoy your time here in Canterlot,”

Smile and nod, smile and nod, almost instantly all of us got up and headed backstage, eager to get off the stage. I sighed, that was a pretty big fail.

After Harrison’s story it just became well…I’ll just say it was like a semi-aborted baby with fetal alcohol syndrome, it wasn’t pretty. After that we all began to talk about a lives before this one event, it’s obvious that would clearly be a terrible subject because only a week ago we had been humans in a reasonable world, not this random as fuck world.

With no way to contact each other secretly it was basically everyman for himself, we basically all had to concoct a story on the fly, that alone wasn’t too hard, but making 6 different tales all intertwine was insanely difficult, especially since we didn’t have any time to plan. Considering the only destination we had was Ponyville, I just said that because I basically knew 0 cities in this entire world besides the ones where we had stupid adventures, and most of those places are destroyed.

Nico and Harrison got in an argument at what happened over in Marington. Nico, the entire time, denied what happened there and began spouting bullshit while Harrison just said “No” over and over again for 15 minutes, I eventually just put my head down for a nap.

Mike began making a crappy lie right off the bat, saying he had nothing to do in Las Pegas except “Rap the rap and beat the beat”, but since we had already told the room of reporters we were there just to visit he was quickly fucked.

Dan said he was a cloud kicker from a small town in North East Equestria, which made sense since it was near here. Dan the entire time never really said a name which also worked out. But when they began to ask him questions about cloud kicking (Which apparently was the art of kicking clouds to discharge weather) he began to mumble and not make any sense.

Tyler is an idiot, thus if his story was true he’d still be an idiot, thus im not going to go into his idiocy.

After that Harrison had his turn. Harrison said he was an olive farmer from Canterlot who grew olives for a living. He said after one year when the ground was too dry to plant the olives he had no choice but to make a living as a carnival lion tamer. After that he met up with the 5 of us who were in Fillycolly because our carriage broke down. This COULD have worked, but sadly Harrison didn’t know olives grow on trees, dipshit.

Fortunately they didn’t hassle us a ton and we were able to skimp away from this while only making ourselves look like asses on national television, much better then screaming out “IM A HUMAN”.

“Well that was interesting” Harrison said

“Harrison your story was so dumb” Dan said “olives grow on TREES”

“No they don’t, they grow underground” Harrison said

“No ever hear of an olive tree?”

“I thought that was a magic olive tree!” Harrison said

“Harrison you are so stupid you make my head hurt” I said

“Relax man” Harrison said, making his customary gesture “It’s over now”

I sighed, now what? Were they just going to kick us to the curb or something? Probably half of Canterlot thinks we are semi-retarded idiots who don’t know their own life story, or worse, they think we are hiding something. You ever see one of those movies when the humans are cutting p the aliens just to see how they work? Well would it be too farfetched if there was a movie were the ponies cut up an alien? Guess who’s an alien? These guys.

“Hey Shining Armor” I said, we had been asked to head back to the train zone so we could head back into civilianized Canterlot for a little bit of R and R; even though we had just stayed in a 5 class hotel for the last day.

“Ready to head back to Canterlot?” Shining Armor asked

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT” Some guard screamed, he quickly ran over to Shining Armor and whispered in his ear.

“What? Wait why? O okay, I understand, wait what? Who? What? Whatever, guys the Princess would like to speak with you” Shining Armor said after a short confusing conversation with the other guard

My eyes widened, the princess wanted to see us? She wanted to see the 6 idiots who went onto national television and looked retarded?

“I’ll lead you there” Shining Armor said, allowing the other guard to leave. We quickly went past the redoubt again and headed back into the back gate of the castle. We passed through the entire castle with little event. We studied the area around us while we walked; nothing out of the ordinary on the way, or well our out of the ordinary; plenty of pictures of all kinds and of course a massive myriad amount of rooms.

“Here we are” Shining Armor said, before I could respond my eyes were averted from Shining Armor to a massive golden door, in front of it was two generic looking guards wearing matching golden armor.

“Excuse us gentlecolts” Shining Armor said, both guards gave a stern simultaneous nod and opened the doors. I honestly thought we were like going to her room or something, but I then realized we were going to the court room. The door swiftly closed behind us and at the end of the long room was Princess fucking Celestia.

You ever have that one thing you swear you can describe but you honestly can’t? Well I kind of had that with Princess Celestia. She was a pony, just like any other pony, but far taller. She had a pure white coat, adorned on top with a massive horn almost like a spear and 2 noble looking wings, far stronger looking then even Nicos. Her hair was like nothing I had ever seen from any other pony, it looked like it was almost alive. It looked like a swilling rainbow aura that danced in the air…okay that was by far the gayest thing I have ever said but ya know she’s a princess; she has jewels and shit, let’s move on.

“You are excused Captain Armor” Princess Celestia said, Shining Armor gave a slight bow and departed silently.

“Hello Stallions” Princess Celestia boomed. Although she was talking in a normal vice, it almost felt dangerous to me. We were talking to the same pony who could banish me to the moon, and judging by my stupid friends, that wouldn’t be too surprised.

“Hai” Tyler said in a high-voice

“It has come to my attention that there are certain things, a hoof” Celestia said “Perhaps we should talk somewhere more…private, I have something to show you anyways”

My eyebrows rose, what did that mean?

“Bro, I think she is Patrick in disguise” Dan murmured to Mike. Celestia nonetheless got down from her golden throne and walked towards a back entrance, wait she has shoes? I want shoes D:!

We had no choice but to follow the princess, if we had simply ran we would have been (severely) punished. The entire time we walked we had no choice but to wait until the fox revealed himself and we could attack. At any moment I would look around to see if there was anything I could use to defend myself from a sexual attacker, sadly every time I caught glimpse of a possible weapon, we became out of range.

Eventually we came to another door, golden again but not as large or ornate as the court room door, probably since the court room has far more use then Celestias personal bedroom, or does it? What if, stay with me here, Patrick Lott is secret king of Equestria? I should write a book sometime, I have some crazy shit in my mind, anyways…BACK TO ZE STORY!

Both guards gave us backwards looks, but they opened the door. I just realized how odd this must be, Princess Celestia walking in with 5 stallions.

As the door closed behind us I heard

“Why do we never get sexy time with the Princess?”

“Im homosexual anyways”

"Relax the door is sound-proof” Princess Celestia said. The room was pretty nice, a massive spacious bedroom with the Princess’s insignia on it along with a large variety of other furniture, then I realized we weren’t alone in this room…with a massive princess who could end us.

“CONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” We all shouted in unison. Conor was back!

“GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” Conor said. He looked almost the same back before this. He still had his normal tan body and black mane and hair. We had our Conor back!

“So all of that happened while I was in the hospital?” Conor asked genuinely intrigued “Like everything in Stalliongrad, and on that train and in Las Pegas?”

“Yup” I said, I just realized…this wasn’t very long ago!

“I think there is someone you should meet also” Princess Celestia said again, that is when we noticed another princess, or so I thought. She was relatively tall like Celestia and had a dark blue coloring, her mane was the same type of aura like Celestias, just now a dark amassment of hues and stuff.

“Do it Luna” Celestia said. This must have been Celestia’s little sister, Luna. She quickly lifted up a microphone, while her horn was glowing she said, “Hi”

"Hi” The mysterious voice said, this wasn’t the Russian one, o god! Did this mysterious voice kill the Russian mysterious voice!?

“No, that never happened Vespi” Princess Celestia said “My sister here thought  it would be funny to practice a couple of my old spells, sadly they turned out more powerful then I imagined. Thus she magically went into your world, and before she left, she took you with her.”

“Wait did you just read my mind?” I asked

“Yes” Princess Celestia said with a prideful smirk “I’ve been around long enough to make a couple spells here and there, it’s actually interesting to see what ponies are thinking of when they know no one can hear them”

“What am I thinking about?” Tyler asked

“You want to jump on my bed” Princess Celestia said “Yea go ahead”

Tyler (In glee) got up on the bed and began jumping, he reminds me of a hamster sometimes.

“So is there any way to get back?” I asked

“That is a good question” Princess Celestia said grimly “It is possible, but not likely, entrance is much easier then exiting”

“Alright?” Mike asked

“But you should know we will be working on it” Princess Celestia said “I promise to tell no one except for those few who already know and anypony who is necessary for the effort to bring you ponies back to your own world” Princess Celestia stated “But beware, I won’t give anything away, but there are sects of ponies who hunt for “humans”. You might have just been marked for death since it is apparent that you were a little…how would I put it? Off.”

Ga-gulp, marked for death?

“But rest assure I know a place you can hide out in” Princess Celestia said

“Where?” I asked, I had in mind some sort of super-secret government bunker with laser beams and ICBM tripwires with a self-destruct system and an army of super-secret anti-evil human hating ninjas who would instantly kill anyone who came into 5000 yards.

“No Vespi, it’s actually a small town called Ponyville” Princess Celestia said “My own apprentice lives there and she enjoys it very much, perhaps you 6 would?”

It beats what we are doing now “Sure I said, answering for the group

“Excellent, I thought you’d say that, I have a train already ready to depart” Princess Celestia said, this was amazing. We have Conor back, we have learned about that random voice, AND now we have a train going to a town, it couldn’t get any better.

We said our goodbyes to the two princesses and headed towards the train, we learned it was more like a private jet then a train. It had only 3 carts, one for the crew and driver and two for our leisure. Before long we were already being ferried away towards our target: Ponyville.

“OMFG” I heard from the next room “LOOK WHAT THE RUSSIAN GAVE US!”

I looked over, he sent us an IPOD!

“Im listening to it first” Mike said

“Just put it on speaker”

“Fuck that shit I’m taking this!” I said, quickly snatching up the IPod and heading into my room, locking the door behind me.

Then I took a nap, listening to “Headlines” over and over again

So much win, so little time

So much fail, so little time

The door smashed open, splinters and pieces of hinges went flying in all directions like shrapnel.

“Vespa give me the iPod!” Mike said “Thanks for letting me use you as a battering ram Ayan”

“No probs” Harrison said. I tossed Mike the iPod, I honestly still do not know how Harrison appears everywhere we go, at leastly he wasn’t waddling around in his juggernaut suit anymore, now he doesn’t look like a morbidly obese person.

“Thank you!” Mike said “I haven’t listened to a good song in an entire week”

My eyes widened, o yea we’ve only been here for a week.

“Passengers: We are arriving in Ponyville in about 1 hour, thank you” The conductor chirped over the intercom.

“What’s Ponyville like?” Tyler asked

“No clue” I said

“Hey guys, want to try something?” Harrison asked

“Knowing you it must be gay” Nico said

“No like you know how you jump on the side of a car and like set off the car alarm? What if, we all like jumped on one side of the train and set off the train alarm?”

“Train alarm Harrison?”

“Or like to make it bounce or whatever” Harrison said, that sounded like a stupid idea, but since w didn’t have anything better to do I couldn’t protest.

All 6 I mean 7 of us (I keep forgetting we are finally reunited :D) got to the left side of the train.

“Wait how is this going to work?” Dan asked

“Well we just jump on this side, then we run over and jump on the other side” Harrison said “K jump on three, 1, 2, TRA!”

All of us jumped in perfect unison and the train bounced a little, we quickly ran to the other side and jumped once again, we repeated this process until we almost didn’t need to run since we could almost slide to the other side. After doing this for almost 10 minutes we heard a loud POP followed by the sound of grinding metal.

“…That can’t be good” Conor said

“Okay we didn’t do anything.” Harrison said, after Harrison said that normal routine line I noticed everything was a little … slanted. I looked out the window and realized where that grinding metal was coming from, we had made the train go off the track!

“Guys look at this” I said, I showed them the train tracks. The left side was off the tracks entirely and was plowing the grass on the side of the train tracks, the right side was grinding against where the left side should have been, causing a ton of sparks to fly everywhere.

“It would suck if the train crashed in here” Mike said. I knew damn well what he meant. We were in the middle of a forest, not like the forest in our backyards, but an actual forest. The trees were so thick, if it wasn’t for this small carved out path for the train tracks, I’d be hard to see. All the while we could hear strange animal noises and wild plants growing.

“Passengers: Something is wrong with the tracks, be advised, we might need to stop for repairs.

Too late, just then the left wheels hit a rock or something, if it had been on the rails we would have been safe but this broke one of the wheels on our cart and the entire shit pie hit the fan. The right wheels were now being pushed over the left axle, if this happened we would be completely off the rails.

In a matter of moments the right wheels got over the axle and we were 100% off the track. The driver was helpless to putting the wheels back in order now; our stupid little game with the jumping had probably costed us our lives.

Like an axe our train slammed right into the tight section of massive trees, we hit dead on with the massive branches and the almost metal like trunks. Branches shot through the corridor between all of our bedroom’s windows, almost puncturing us. Then shit went into slow mo. Our train must have slammed right into one of those massive tree trunks, everyone was propelled forward. It was almost like that MW3 mission where u are in zero gravity on the plane, we were spinning and twirling almost, then I came to my senses and I slammed into the door. There go a lot of brain cells.

I was instantly up though, my head throbbed and my entire body immediately felt sore again but we were in a huge forest in a train that could cause a massive forest fire at any minute!

O wait nothings on fire, never mind

I got up and checked the damage, I headed into the crews room to see how they took the brunt of the damage, all I say is that they…did not take it well, that and their bodies now are horse salsa.

“O GOD NOOOOO HES DEAD!” Mike screamed, I ran back into our cart, Mike was clutching the iPod.

“I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO LISTEN TO YOU!” Mike screamed

“O MY GOD O MY GOD THERE ALL DEAD WHAT DO WE DO MAN! WHAT DO WE DO!?” Conor said, completely freaking out. Although this was a …setback, it was nothing compared to our adventures from before, no wonder why Conor was freaking out so much, he had been unconscious the entire time!

“Relax Conor, we can handle this” Dan said, sweeping off debris from him. Thankfully ,like always, no one was seriously hurt.

“Woah guys, there is like trees outside” Harrison said, I never knew there were trees in a forest Gayan

“This is why we don’t listen to Harrison. Ever.” Mike said “He gets people killed”

“Don’t hate bro, I’m just going with the flow”

If I had a shoe I’d throw it at Harrison.

We all headed outside, there were massive trees everywhere, in the distance we could see a small pond. There was a small incline here and there and also a small cave to our left.

“GUYS I GOT THE BEST PLAN EVER!” Harrison shouted

This Is going to be good...

So much Minecraft, so little time

lol this chapter started on pge 169 :D -Vespie

“Minecraft”

“What?”

“Minecraft”

“Wait, what?”

“MINECRAFT” Harrison repeated

“Harrison, what do you mean Minecraft?” I asked

“Look! We have trees, there is a cave, there is grass, we could just make a house!”

I wanted to slam my head up against something, I have heard  a lot of stupid things in my life, but that might have just been the stupidest thing I have heard.

“Watch!” Harrison said, he walked over to a tree and began punching it

“Harrison it’s not going to just break into-“

Harrison gave a final punch and a block of wood dropped to the ground, the rest of the tree ensued

“Okay, we have like gravity but look at this!” Harrison said showing us the wood block, it looked like a simple Minecraft block in normal game, it looked to be approximately 2ft x 2ft just from my guess, wait that tree was 2ft thick? What is this?

“Here, give me this” I said, now to see if I truly didn’t understand how life really worked…

(5 Minutes later after realizing how life works)

“There we go!” I said, I had made a simple crafting table.  From here we can make anything, we had our spot set and Harrison instantly took charge. We were all assigned jobs, Harrison punched the rest of the tree and told Tyler, Mike, and Nico to mine as much cobblestone as possible from the cave, and if possible, some coal too.

“Wait…what?” Nico asked, Nico was the only one here who didn’t have an Xbox, thus he had never played Minecraft, thus me making a pimped out crafting table from a block of wood must of put him in some state of awe.

“Just follow Mike and Tyler” Harrison said while handing Nico a wooden pickaxe. The wood was not amazingly strong but it would do, Harrison had sharpened the side to make it wickedly pointy, perfect for breaking through rocks, but it wouldn’t be long before it would break and it would have to be substituted with a more resilient stone pickaxe, when that day arrives we might actually get some iron, then diamond, then just make a pimped out house in the woods. Wouldn’t it just be easier to find Ponyville? Perhaps, but it sure wouldn’t be as fun :D!

Then it was time to clear the land, Harrison instructed Dan and I to cut down several trees where our house would be. We had no axes though, after Harrison made the pickaxes we had simply ran out of wood, we would have to punch the wood.

“So we just punch it?” Dan asked, the two of us examined a big tree. There were perhaps 4 or 5 pieces of wood in it thus that meant there were 20 wooden planks, meaning we could make 80 sticks. I readied my hoof and sent my hoof straight into the tree trunk, the one piece broke and the rest of the tree fell down but my hand hurt like a MOTHER FUCKER!

“Oww” I winced

We collected the wood and quickly went back to the crafting table to make a wooden axe, never again would I have to punch wood in order to harvest it. I chose a good time too, the 3 miners had exhausted their shoddy wooden pickaxes and were anxiously waiting for more stable stone ones.

“How much cobble you get?” I asked

“We got hang on, 1...2...3........4.....okay we got 147” Tyler said “Some fell in this really deep cave though; there might be iron and gold down there”

I nodded, I made 2 planks worth of sticks and made myself a small hatchet, I gave the rest of the wood to Harrison. He quickly distributed sticks and in a matter of n time the 3 hurried back into the mine with their new stone pickaxes.

I headed back to Dan; the area was like a small wooded hill. The crafting table was put at the bottom of the small area where the lake was. Up a few places was the cave off to our left, going up a little bit more was where we were and the trees, I looked behind the trees and noticed we were right in front of a large mountain, this was a perfect spot, that cave must of looped back n with the other caves that went into this mountain.

I felt like a king knowing I wouldn’t have to punch solid blocks of wood ever again. I took the axe and got to cutting, it took slightly shorter this time but that wasn’t my concern, my hoof felt a lot better now. After a while we cleared several more trees and gathered there wood, we headed back again with our nearly broken wooden axe to see what Harrison had to say

“Alright cool, should we make the walls out of like cobble or wood?” He asked

“Maybe cobble stone and then we will make the roof and floor wood?” Dan asked. Of the 7 of us here, Harrison, Dan, and I had the most experience in Minecraft. Conor and Tyler played too, but not as often as us, Mike had played once and called it “gay” and Nico had never played it.

“Cool” Harrison said “We need like beds though, so like if we die, we like respawn”

“Harrison, even if this is a lot like Minecraft, if we die, we are going to die.” I said

“So we still need to sleep somewhere.” Harrison said, true Gayan true.

It was decided, Tyler and Mike had given Ayan some of these cobblestone, he gave me a new sharp stone axe and told me to gather some more wood. While I was cutting the wood, Dan and Harrison would make the floor and then build up the walls with cobblestone.

Using the stone axe was a far cry from me punching the wooden trunk of a tree long before, the axe quickly chopped down several trees before I chose to head back and see what progress Harrison was making.

Harrison might be retarded, but he was a gifted Minecraftier. Harrison had the wooden flooring down, the floor looked to be about 8 blocks wide and 7 blocks long. Dan was about 8 feet off the ground now on a pillar of cobblestone; he quickly jumped down and began making another pillar of cobblestone

“Woah” Tyler said “Hey Harrison I think we found Dinosaur poop”

He handed Harrison something black

“This is coal” Harrison said

“No, I’m pretty sure it is dinosaur poop”

“No, this is coal” Harrison said

“I told you that wasn’t dinosaur poop Tyler” Mike said “Harrison I found this too”

He handed Harrison something

“Dude we got iron!” Harrison said in a moment of joy “We can make this into iron ingots”

“Harrison I don’t think we can just smelt iron” Nico said

(5 Minutes of learning how to smelt iron)

“Here we go!” Harrison said

Later that day we had had very few problems. Dan and Tyler went back into the mine to collect more cobblestones while I went hunting for sheep to shear. Mike, Nico, and Conor were on wood duty while Harrison went hunting for food, using the iron we made; Harrison made me a pair of shears. Luckily there were wild sheep living in this forest, it wasn’t difficult to shear the little things. Before long I had discovered a herd of 9 sheep and had enough wool for 7 beds, plus some extra wool for whatever we need it for.

Harrison returned an hour after me with food; he had found some eggs and 3 chickens. We quickly put the 3 chickens in the furnace and cooked them, it tasted gooooooooooooooooooood…don’t tell PETA though.

Harrison took my wool and set off to making beds, before long we had 7 beds. I quickly took mine and dragged it into the corner where there was a torch placed. In each corner we had one of these torches, so we could illuminate the area. Harrison took some spare wood and made a door. We placed several furnaces and 2 crafting tables in between my bed and Tyler’s bed which was far off in the next corner, a chest was placed opposite of that by Harrison’s bed.

Mike and Nico were put on guard duty, we weren’t sure if there were going to be any monsters, but we couldn’t take any chances. Harrison made them both a stone sword and gave them 2 torches to put outside.

I quickly nuzzled into my pillow, a nice long sleep was what I deserved after a long hard day at work. Just as I was about to go to sleep I heard a faint groan.

Harrison was sitting up in his bed instantly “O sugar biscuits we got company, everyone make a sword!”

It begins...

14 Days in a Minecraft Wilderness

Despite my desperate need for sleep I got up and was handed a sword. Nico ran back into the house and closed the door practically on Mike; Mike quickly pushed the door open and slammed it behind him.

“What’s happening?’”

“Look outside” Mike said, I looked through the small opening in the door, outside I could see something alright, I saw a pack of giant spiders. Each of them almost bigger than a pony, they all had 8 hairy black legs and had a massive amount of eyes all about the size of red olives.

“Someone go out and kill those things” Harrison said

“Why can’t we just stay in here?” Mike asked, anxiously looking all around the room. If we had gotten sand we could have made some windows, but sadly we had been preoccupied with other things. It was hard to tell how many spiders there were, but from the sound outside I could guess anywhere from a shit few to a shit ton. That’s a good estimate, right?

Okay how do we do this?

Then I heard the groan again and cringed, must be a zombie. Or a zombpony? It had to be zombpony

“Zombpony” Dan said “Does that mean there are skeleponies?”

“Shouldn’t it just still be zombie? It’s not like zombiemen or something, it’s just zombie” Tyler said

“Good question” I said “Okay everyone just rush out and kill them, okay?”

“Why can’t we stay here!?” Mike asked

“Well if a creeper pony comes here then we are literally fucked” Dan said “I say we go out and get them”

“Aye” Harrison said in a Scottish accent.

“Fine we haven’t killed anything in like…2 days anyways” Mike said, Nico gave a nod

“You guys do that, im going to just wait it out” Tyler said

“Pussy” Everyone shouted in unison

The squeaks of the spiders interrupted us, there had to be a ton of them out here.

“Ready?” Harrison asked

“Okay guys you have fun with that” Tyler said, heading over to his cot plopping down onto it.

“Fine, whatever” Harrison said

“CHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!’

The door slammed open, Dan lead the way, stone sword in hand but all we saw was a single spider, then I realized it wasn’t a spider, it was a BEAVER! Nah im just joking, it was actually a spider.

“What the?” Dan asked, then a giant black cannonball landed right on Dan followed by a couple more

“THE FAGGOTS ARE ON THE ROOF!” Dan said before getting nipped by one, fortunately Nico was the greatest white soccer player in history and kicked that spider like a soccer ball. I swung my stone sword at a spider, knocking it off balance. The stone swords were not deadly sharp but still dangerous when enough force was applied, the heaviness of the sword also seemed to help, ever wonder what a melon looks like when it is slammed with a sledgehammer? Now imagine if that Sledgehammer was sharp.

Several more of the furry things landed from the roof, it wasn’t exactly difficult to dispatch of the spider, a couple swings of our hefty stone swords and the things would fall on their back and curl up like a normal spider would do.

Before long we had gained 7 wool from 4 spiders, we could make bows now if we wanted to but there was something far more troubling.

A arrow shot out, narrowly hitting me, it lodged itself in our cobble wall.

“Skeleton!” Harrison said, he quickly grabbed the string from Conor and ran into the house, a moment later he came ut with a bow and yanked the arrow from our wall. He pulled back the string and shot the arrow straight towards the attacker, the skeleton came into full visibility from behind a tree, lurched forward and died.

“Jesus Harrison you know your Minecraft” I said

“Yup”

Just as Harrison gave out that proud “Yup” half the house exploded. I quickly shielded my eyes to protect them from giant blocks of cobblestone, something had blown up the cobble walls.

“Well at leastly the roof is-“ Then the roof landed right on Harrison, and killed him. Dead.

“O SHIT!” Nico said, we had lost Harrison, and this time he was actually useful!

“Dude this green thing ran into the wall” Tyler said

“A creeper?” Dan asked

“Yea”

I looked around, 3 of our 4 walls were destroyed or seriously damaged, the chest had exploded and its content: a couple stone pickaxes, our last chicken, some cobblestone, a couple sticks, and a sapling, were all destroyed in the explosion or crushed by the roof. We looked around and scanned the area, there was no sign of any other enemies, but we could still hear the zombpony moans. We quickly did what we could and rebuilt the walls with what we could; using what remained of the wood that was once the roof to make quick walls. We even grabbed some dirt from outside to fix up the walls. We had lost all of the equipment in the chest and some of our floor and our roof were gone, but we still had walls and the beds.

Then it began to rain, that sucked.

We didn’t have much time, even though it was dangerous to work outside Nico and Dan punched a tree until they could make a wooden pickaxe, using Conor as a guard they managed to dig up plenty of cobble stone, we quickly used that to patch up the roof, the floor was soggy and littered with small debris and dirt but at leastly it wouldn’t be wet for long. I couldn’t help but notice that Harrison had been keeping a small book he had put right on the chest; it didn’t have a lot in it. Just several entries about where there could be caves, where Ponyville might be, any point of interests, and a lot of doodles of kittens. I quickly took it and took 1 of several pencils, might as well use it well.

Day 1: The next day we were not very well off. We were all hungry but had no food, I found a couple pigs and killed them with a sword, Dan found a couple coal in the cave and we were able to cook them. Tyler also came up with the idea of fishing in the small lake, although it was no smaller than a regular pool, it seemed possible that there could be food. Using some of our last string Tyler made a fishing pole, fortunately it was worth it and he found 4 fish, our food problem was solved…for now.

Day 3: It didn’t take long for us to find out where the zombpony groan was coming from, while mining for more cobblestone, Dan accidentally hit into a small cavern, somehow…there was a mob spawner down there. Dan killed a couple but they quickly got out of there cobble holding cell and flooded the cave, we boarded the cave up with some dirt but we had lost our only cobble mine. Mike, Tyler, and Dan took the rest of the day

Day 4: We went hunting again and found another batch of pigs, sadly for most of the day we didn’t have any coal and we were forced to eat them raw, 15 minutes after we finished up Nico found our first batch of coal, timing huh?

Day 5: The mine is nothing more than just a mimic of the cave, it had a 2 by 3 opening and went down several feet until it reached cobblestone. Luckily though, while mining, Nico found a batch of 3 iron. We had no clue on what to do with the iron, so we just smelted it and kept it in the chest (Which we had reconstructed). Sadly no matter what we did it almost felt like we were being starved of cobblestone. Even though the mine hit stone level, there was still an appaling amount of dirt and gravel down there. While digging Dan accidentally dug into sand from the pool, he almost drowned before he could seal the gap off, we then realized we had been mining right under the cave. We had no choice but stop, mainly because we were having luck fishing. Tyler caught another 3 today, although it was nothing like a fancy dinner at a restaurant or at Canterlot Castle, we were not starving.

Day 6: House is done. We are still having problems finding cobble, so we build everything out of wood this time. We even made a couple windows, 2 on each side; making a total of 8. We grabbed some sand from the pond and we made 8 glass, our house was finally coming together. No one knew where Harrison was, I guess the beds aren’t spawn points for him. Dan and I have been taking charge so far, mainly because we know the most about Minecraft. Mike felt a little shunned when we didn’t allow him to make any decisions, mainly because Mike doesn’t know obsidian from diamond, does that make any sense? Probably not, even with the fish we are still hungry. Every night the skeletons and spiders come back, and we are trapped inside. We haven’t found any more pigs and we are reliant on Tyler’s fish. Thankfully Conor has joined him and we used some new found string to make 2 more fishing pokes, the ones we make tend to not last long.

Day 8: We had a meeting with the mob spawner again. This time we played it smart, using some coal and sticks we made 4 torches. We charged in with our swords and killed them, Dan triumphantly put a torch on the block where they spawned (Which was a magical shimmer, was it magic? Evil wizards?) We cleared the area. Near the side was a chest. We felt like kings, we found 4 strings, 2 cooked steaks of beef, 2 pieces of iron and some cookies! Everyone got 2 cookies and we apportioned the beef with some fish for everyone. It isn’t so bad out here.

Day 9: It is bad out here. Another creeper blew up right by the lake and made a huge dent, the lake basically drained itself and became shallow. Right after that Tyler began telling us he couldn’t find a single fish, he didn’t mean catching a fish, he meant seeing any fish. We had lost the lake. It was apparent we would need a new food source, so we began to eat cobblestone. Nah im just joking that was just a dare.

Day 11: House is burned down now. While we were out mining (All 6 of us) we forgot one thing; A FUCKING GUARD. While we were frantically mining for iron (We were planning to make a farm) it was raining and thundering hard. A bolt of lightning struck a nearby tree, some embers landed on the roof of our house and most of it burnt down before we could save it. The chest was safe though thankfully. We quickly used all of our hard earned cobble to reconstruct it again, and then it began to rain again. Right after we finished the last wall a creeper exploded, we were all so tired and distraught we just gave up and went to bed.

Day 12: Fuck it I’m just going to head to Ponyville. I talked about it with the other guys and the 6 of us agreed we would leave in 2 days. We all agreed to hunt and get as much food as humanly- I mean ponyily possible. The pigs must have come back again, we found a whole herd of 6 and killed them, we would have plenty of food now. Nico also killed a rabbit, why the hell didn’t we think of that before? While we are fishing and hunting pigs there are fucking squirrels and rabbits everywhere. Man we are stupid.

Day 13: We agreed on what we would take. 3 pickaxes, 6 swords, all of our food (Duh), a flint and steal for a fire, several sticks to make a fire, an assortment of clothes (Nico, Tyler, Mike, and Conor spent the entire day salvaging the beds to make extra clothes for us, mainly anti-rain clothes), and a bucket we made. Why a bucket? So we could use it to carry water, also before we left we made 1 iron sword using the last 2 iron ingots. We all agreed Dan should take it, he was proclaimed king of Minecraft (Or Prince if you believe Harrison is still alive) and he deserved it.

Day 14: We’ve been here for 2 weeks. All that remains of our presence is a half-assed made cave, a broken down pile of rubble, some destroyed gear, a dry lake, and a couple wholes where creepers had exploded (Mainly around the house foundation, causing the wood floor to sink into the crevices at places). We had all of our gear ready and we agreed to try and find the train tracks again and follow them into Ponyville. Before we leave I think I’ll leave this journal here, mainly since we have nowhere to keep anything and all we have to carry all of our food and gear in 2 saddlebags Tyler made. Never know we might come back; wonder what future me will be doing.

I put the notebook back on the chest right where I had found it. I should bring it, but you never know Harrison might come back.

“Ready guys?” I asked. It was night, probably 9 or 10 PM, we had to use the last day to arrange everything, and we would be walking in almost near darkness.

“Lead the way Dan” Mike said

“To Narnia!” Dan said in a mock heroic voice, his newly smelt iron sword pointed out.

We had been here in Equestria for more than 3 weeks now, 23 days I believe.

Let the good times role

Yuri Shoots a Monster!

For the first trip our walk through the woods seemed more like a fun day outside then an exodus back towards civilization. The sun was shining, so strong we could actually feel the rays of light penetrating the thick canopy of the Everfree Forest. Fortunately it wasn’t raining yet and our food provisions were still going strong. There was only one problem; we couldn’t find the train tracks. Our main plan for finding our way back to Ponyville was finding the train tracks and just following them into town. Even without the train tracks we found small dirt trails that lead us through the forest, unless we sleep walked and made them, somepony else must have made them, somepony living in Ponyville.

We eventually ditched the pickaxes; it seemed illogical to bring them in the first place. There were still caves dotting the landscape but we simply didn’t have the resources to stay in an area and make a camp, even overnight. We were pretty concerned with our food supply, we hadn’t seen any pigs or chickens walking around either so there was no way to replenish our food, we had to keep going. We eventually threw the pickaxes in a ditch.

Day turned into night, we didn’t dare sit down and sleep, but tersely ate some food and endured on. If we were to eat twice a day with that same meal, we would have enough food for exactly 2-3 more days, 4 if we were lucky. I didn’t know if we were going in the right direction, or if we could even reach Ponyville in 4 days, but we didn’t have much of a choice.

Night turned into well darker night. It became pitch black, Nico had kept some coal in his saddlebag (Saddlepack? I don’t even know) and we used it to make torches, those gave us a small field of vision for us, we could barely see 10ft in front of us but we could still see each other and managed for no one to get lost.

Night turned back into day, it rained and it rained hard. The sky was now a bleached grey color, rain and lightning was sporadic, but when it came, it came hard (Giggity). We eventually came towards a lagoon like swamp. The rain was still coming down hard and the entire place looked like a mud ridden mire. But in the middle, carrying a pink butterfly umbrella was a little yellow Pegasus. She had pink bubblegum hair and- o shit now I remember her.

“Guys, check this out” I said, everyone came towards me, the rain made everything inaudible, I had to give the command a couple times for them to all respond.

“Dude it’s that crazy yellow pony!” Mike said, we all studied her intently. She was clearly doing something on the ground…yea vague but what do you want from me? It is raining like a bitch and I can barely see! Anyways yea, butterfly umbrella, yellow pyscho pony, in a forest at a lagoon.

“Do you think she is like…burying a body or something” Tyler asked.

“Maybe” I said, it was possible considering she was going to cut me in half with a chainsaw.

“But didn’t Harrison shoot her with an M60?” Dan asked

“I kind of did” Harrison said, I jumped and fell in front of the bush, my face first into the mud.

The timid looking yellow pony turned around and jumped, she quickly grabbed her umbrella and ran. She had to be running towards her house! Thus we just had to follow her and we’d go to Ponyville!

“Follow her!” I shouted, we quickly rushed towards the pony, but she was quickly hidden by the darkness and rain. We ran around a little around the lagoon but to no avail, we had lost her.

“God dammit!” Mike said

We began to argue about which way she went. I believed she went in the opposite direction, while Mike and Dan thought she went towards our left. In the end we lost her and had almost 0 chance to find her now.

We were so caught up in out argument we almost didn’t hear a faint growl.

“Wait…what was that?” Conor asked, the growl came again and this time louder. I turned around and checked in every direction, the rain was slowing down a little but it was still hard to see. That’s when I saw it, a big black silhouette.

“Shit!” I screamed, everyone turned around to see what I meant, the rain now was almost gone and we could see a little easier, it was a LION! Wait…a LION WITH WINGS! No…. A LION WITH WINGS AND A SCROPIAN TAIL!

“Dude what is that?” Harrison asked

“I have no clue but it doesn’t look nice” Dan said. The monster gave out a loud roar, it locked its eyes on target, us. It slowly walked towards us, its head down close to the ground, in attack mode.

“Shit someone do something!” Tyler asked, backing up.

“Relax guys” Harrison said “I got this”

Harrison flipped his hair one last time and walked right up towards the monster

“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?”

The monster showed us his left paw, in it was a small splinter.

“Chill out buddy, I got this” Harrison leaned in close and pulled the splinter out of the lions paw.

“Don’t worry about-“

The line grabbed Harrison and ate him in one gulp.

“WHAT ZE FUCKS!?” Tyler said

“Alright I guess we have to kill this thing” I said, I readied my stone sword. Through plenty of use, all of our blades had become dull, meanwhile this thing over here could easily tear us limb from limb, just like it did to Harrison. The monster burped and charged right at us! More specifically, right towards me!

I quickly side stepped and swung the sword like a baseball bat, it sliced his face but did little damage, the thing pounced again, hitting me right in the chest. It instantly knocked the wind out of me and I fell to the floor, the monster began biting at me but I stuck my sword out as a barrier

“EAT COBBLESTONE BITCH!” Dan said swinging the block of solid cobblestone right into the monsters head. It fell over for a second and was dazed but it instantly got up, fortunately that was enough time for me to grab my sword and swing again.

I swung again, this time connecting the blade with the monsters torso. Dan thrusted and poked him in the mouth, from behind us an arrow whizzed, it struck the monster in the torso again, but the livid monster simply ripped the entire arrow out. We all slowly turned around to see Tyler holding a sturdy looking bow and arrow.

“Shit…um sorry man” Tyler said with a fake laugh, the monster rushed towards Tyler

“SHIT SORRY SORRY SORRY!” Tyler screamed, we chased after the attack and sliced at him every chance we had. Even though Tyler was retarded, he was great with his hands, I didn’t even know we had any string left!

I swung my sword again and it struck the beast again, then I noticed something. Right by my hoof was a bullet, who had a gun?

Meanwhile while I was in deep though, the monster got shot 17 times in the brain and fell down, dead.

From my right 4 shadows appeared, I turned around expecting to feel hot lead going through me, then a mans face appeared, not a pony but an actual human!

“What the-“ Dan began

“NO FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” The man shouted in a heavy Russian accent…well nice to meet you too.

“What?”

“WE HAVE TO FOLLOW YOU FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND YOU KEEP GOING OFF THE RADAR, FOR FUCKS SAKE DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING IT IS TO WALK THROUGH THIS ENTIRE DAMN FOREST TO FIND YOUR ASS?”

“Wait just-“

“NIGGA PLEASE, FIRST OFF HOW YOU ARE STILL ALIVE IS A FUCKING MIRACLE; YOU RETARDS CAN NOT DO ANYTHING RIGHT! EVERYTIME WE TRACK YOU DOWN YOU GO OFF THE RADAR AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN AWKWARD SITUATION IS ON A TRAIN? BEING THE ONLY 4 HUMANS AND HAVING TO KILL EVERYONE SO NO ONE KNOWS THERE ARE RANDOM HUMANS WALKING AROUND FUCKING EVERYWHERE!”

“But”

“BUT NOW WE ARE HERE, AND WE SHOT THIS FUCKING THING AND YOU ARE ALIVE, SO I AM GOING TO GO GET SOME VODKA AND GET FUCKING DRUNK!”

The Russian breathed deeply for a couple seconds “Okay I’m done” He gave a whole-hearted chuckle “My name is Yuri”, talk about bi-polar.

I couldn’t help but smile, whoever is out there and responsible for this was trying to make it right, or at leastly trying to keep us on the right side of the grass.

“I can’t stay long and I won’t say long, but here is a backpack from the boss, you might find it useful”

He tossed Mike the backpack; he opened it and gave a smile “Thanks”

“Anytime” Yuri said “Now excuse me I have things to do, I have to return to the boss, debrief, and then punch Sarah Palin in the nose”

Well we have gone from barely surviving to now having secret Russian assassins following us everywhere. Cool :D!

DON'T SHOVEL ME BRO

Yuri and his men went on our way while we were still surprised and examining the monster the 4 ghillie suited soldiers stealthily walked away, leaving us be. We were almost to Ponyville, we were now on a hill, the view covered more swaths of big evergreen trees and in the center of all of them the small town of Ponyville. From there we would be almost impossible to see from inside the town, would that be a good thing or a bad thing?

“What’s in the bag” I asked, looking over Mike’s shoulder to examine the contents of the bag.

“Money, and a lot of it” Mike said “What should we do?”

“Go to an Inn?” I asked

“Dude, no we have to save this money” Mike said

“Dude we’ve been living in the wilderness for like 2 weeks, I want to sleep in an actual HOUSE” I said

“Yea Mike I kind of want to not sleep out here and get eaten by one of those things” Dan said, pointing to the dead lion thing Yuri shot.

“Fine, but we better still have money after 1 night, and then we are going to buy a house or something.” Mike said. I had no clue how we were going to buy a house, we had only the money in this one saddlepack and the ability to work, hopefully no one had stolen the money still occupying the sunroom back in our suite in our hotel, wait didn’t we have like a cleaning lady coming like the day after we left? Shit.

Mike handed his saddlepack to Conor and he took the one loaded with bits. We gently headed down the slopes that divided the Everfree Forest and Ponyville. We were in the clear, we wouldn’t starve, be murdered, ran over, be crushed, eaten by giant spiders, molested by people, everything was fine at the moment.

“How much do you think a house costs?” I asked

“More then we have” Nico said

We traveled on; we finally found a road that seemed to pass into Ponyville. In order to shave a few minutes from our journey we took a quick detour off the road and through a large amassment of trees, rain began to pour and hard. It was kind of irritating, it was raining off and on day after day it seems. Well at leastly, for the first time in two weeks, I can see the night sky. Pretty stars are pretty.

“Hey look an apple!” Tyler said, oblivious to the rain. He quickly ripped an apple off of its tree and shoved the entire thing in his mouth, we quickly did the same.

It didn’t take long for us to realize how lost we really were. The long rows of identical apple trees made us move from direction to direction without us knowing where we actually were. At one point, after 15 minutes of walking we realized we had been walking towards the Everfree Forest. After we turned around and did a 180 we ended up….right back at the Everfree Forest- what the hell!?

“Hey check it out a barn!” Conor said, pointing of into the distance. We quickly galloped towards the barn to take shelter from the rain, the rain was now hailing down and it was soaking us from head to hoof. We herded ourselves inside and closed the doors from behind.

“Hey Nico, Nico! Remember what happened last time we were in a barn?” Mike asked

“Shut up Mike” Nico said

We quickly searched the farm and found it was devoid of all life, even though there were stalls. Why were there stalls in a barn if no one used them? Well whatever, wait…were we supposed to sleep in the stalls? But, no, we are intelligent animals- that is degrading! Well now I know why PETA gets so mad when people do stuff to animals.

***

The door opened slightly, although the door only opened a little my eyes were wide open. I looked, towards the door. There was a small shadow already heading inside, PATRICK LOTT!

I quickly rolled onto my stomach and watched closely; thank god I chose to sleep on the 2nd floor in a bed of hay. Alas (Yes I actually just said that, come at me)! Nico, Tyler, and Conor were all down there on the first floor.

“Hello?” A feminine voice called, it sounded like one of those stereotypical farmers from Georgia “Anyone in here?”

Nico was closest to the door, right in a recess in the wall actually and came up from behind the pony. I now had a good view of her. She was an Earth Pony wearing a brown cowboy hat, she had an orange coloring and a blond mane, in her hooves was a shovel…NICO NOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Well howdy there partner!” Nico said in his best southern accent, even though he was German he nailed it just fine, more important though, the orange Earth Pony swung around and nailed Nico right in the face with the shovel.

“O shit!”

The orange Earth pony was now on top of Nico, hitting him over and over again with the shovel

“DON’T SHOVEL ME BRO!” He shouted, from above I saw Mike throw down something white…a bucket? Nope, he threw down a half-full paint can. The top had been closed but it still landed right on the poor mare’s head, dazing her for a moment. Nico fluttered his wings and flew quickly to the other side of the room. We quickly rushed forward, escaping the barn.

“What in tarnation!?” The orange pony asked to herself, we had already rushed from where the barn was and ran down into central Ponyville. We didn’t stop until it was apparent we were in the center of town, and far away from the farm.

“Owww my head” Nico said, rubbing his head. His nose was bleeding and he had a few bumps, but it was nothing really to bitch about. The one thing that looked like it hurt was that first shot, I’m honestly surprised Nico didn’t break his neck from that one.

“Where’s Mike!?” Tyler asked

I looked around, where was Mike!? I could have sworn he was with us before, and then I realized. Mike was on the 2nd floor with me, since he dropped the paint can on her from the other side of the room he was already behind us. That and the orange pony probably gunning for him and trapped him there.

“What do we do?” Nico asked for the first time since we left the barn forgetting about his petty injuries for the well-being of Mike.

“Did ’ya miss me?” A voice said I turned around; It was Mike! His horn was glowing white and he looked a little tired but he was with us!

“What happened?” Dan asked

“Well safe to say I learned a new spell on the fly, gentlemen; I can now teleport” Mike said with a proud smile.

“Teleport?” We all asked

“Yes, teleport” Mike said still with that grin on. We were all safe and sound.

We quickly found the one inn in town and got settled; sadly the rent was too damn high

“We’ll have almost no money left if we stay here!” Mike said “I’m out; I’ll just convince a girl to sleep over at her house”

“You do that” I said “I have my share, I’m staying here”

Just like that we divided our money into 1/6ths; we all had exactly 100 bits. The rent was 25 bits a night, I didn’t want to lose all of my money right off the bat, but i didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want to meet the farmer with her shovel again…

“Fine I’m out” Dan said, Nico gave a nod too.

“Yea I’m going to save my money for more important things, like alcohol” Tyler said

“Same” Conor said

“Fine, enjoy finding somewhere to sleep” I said, the 6 of us departed, my 5 friends heading down the road deeper into Ponyville.

I bought myself a room and was handed a key, since we had ditched everything we had had so far, and used all of our food, I dropped my one item into my room, and the saddlepack the Russian had gave us on the floor and checked my room out. It was a simple room, bed in 1 side, table on the other, stuff more stuff blah blah blah I’m tired.

I quickly put my remaining 75 bits in the saddlepack, but wait! I looked down; there was a note at the bottom! I quickly picked it up and examined it with my dreary eyes.

Dear boys,

I hope you read this letter because I fear the worst. This isn't a small thing with your arrival to Equestria, I have no clue on how long this will take to fix. I hate to admit it but I had something to do with all of this, that is why im trying to help you; sadly it might go unfixed for years. All I can promise at this moment is that I will try. I didn't want to break all your spirits like that, make you feel like you were all doomed like this. So I just dropped you this note, I hope you will understand I just wanted to help you, good luck boy. And I hope you will enjoy Equestria, maybe when you are older and back human I can tell you the story of project BRONY over some whiskey? Good luck, tell your friends I wish them all good luck as well, even mike.

-Boris (The scientist)

P.S. KILL HEINZ, KILL ALEXANDER HEINZ

P.S.S Sample Equestrian Vodka for my friends and I

Years? Project BRONY? Heinz? VODKA?

Normally I would have been scared stiff, but I fell in my bed before the words connected.

Well guys they made it to Ponyville. No more racist moments and random crossovers. LET THE VIOLENCE AND SEXURAL ESCAPADES BEGIN!

-Vespie

Act II: Living In a New World

ACT II

LIVING IN A NEW WORLD

DAYS IN EQUESTRIA: THIRTY THREE

ESTIMATED AMOUNT OF SEXY TIME: 11 MINUTES

DEATHS CAUSED BY HUMANS: 2.2 MILLION BEAVERS, 378 PONIES (Most of which indirectly killed by God)

_________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up the next day better rested then I thought, I yawned and got out of my bed. At first I didn't remember much, for a split second I even forgot about being a pony, but eventually everything came back. Then the Russian’s voice came back. Just in time for me to trip over a random bucket. Damn random buckets, wait why was there even a bucket in my room?

"Good morning Vespi! Sleep well?”

I jumped like a mother fucker and tripped over the bucket again

"Okay, just 2 questions I have man" I said "1. What happened to leaving us alone? And 2; how the FUCK do you track us?"

“Very simple my good friend, I saw you met up with my… “Apprentice” Yuri before, we’ll I sent him and his men to track you wherever you went. They did an actual thorough job too, until you went under the radar, from there it was more or less when we heard of you or your friends and rushed there, most of the time you were already gone though. Most of it is just foot work but I’m focusing on some stuff to help you guys, like the time I brought in a Humvee for you guys. The MTS or Material Transport System protocol should be up and running in 2 weeks tops. Also did you get my moose?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond “The moose that landed on the train we were on?”

“Yes, he was a good moose too”

"I see, so about leaving me alone" Why so serious you ask? I don’t want some random Russian scientist looking at me 24/7, then again since he could just whistle and a gang of Russian soldiers pop up it might be okay.

"Okay seems fair enough, this isn't communist Russia anymore. I'll leave you to be when you are doing whatever this generation does, what would that be? Drinking? Partying? Cursing? I don’t care.”

"Eyup" I said, moving towards the mirror to check my appearance, thankfully I wouldn’t need to shave…a ton. I didn’t know exactly what to do with my friends, since we mainly just all walked away I would have to go and find them. I couldn’t help but smile at my vanity for a moment; damn I’m so sexy ;). My black hair was still in presentable condition and my green mane was a little dirty but fine. I checked out my cutie mark as well, frankly I liked it, but it wasn't exactly that creative. It was a red V with a white background, the one problem was the cutie mark (Unfortunately) wasn’t in perfect harmony with my body coloring. For some reason green with a red V looked pretty meh.

"Very creative" I said, hoping the Russian was there to respond

"I'll keep you informed; Drunken Russian over and out!" What a conversationalist

I didn’t know exactly where to go but I chose to head straight towards Ponyville Plaza, hopefully I could find my good friends there already. I quickly got ready and took a quick shower, just to look presentable.

I tossed the old knapsack over my back and headed towards the Ponyville Plaza. When I was only a block away I heard some pony clear their voice and tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to see a white unicorn with a beautiful purple mane and tail. Her eyes looked like two priceless diamonds gleaming in the sunlight. I couldn’t help but just smile, if this had been the night before I would have went “OMGWTFAAAAAAH” and elbowed her in the face, thankfully because I would look like an ass if I did that.

"Hello there I apologize on interrupting you, but I couldn't help but notice your beautiful knapsack. Me being a stranger and all, do you mind if I was to purchase this bag?" She said,

This knapsack wasn't exactly beautiful. It looked old and beat up; it looked as though that Russian had used it during his time in the red army, or in the KGB or whatever. Then again it’s not like I’m going to be using it for anything special. Or maybe there was some other reason she approached me? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, let’s see where this goes…

"Sure I don't mind" Let’s see where this goes I thought.

"Marvelous! My sister loves to play around with old clothing and what not. How much would you like for it?"

"I think 25 would do or 15 and your name" Damn yea smooth cat. Flirting was something that was never very hard for me; I guess that's why all my friends told me I have a golden tongue, and that I should be a diplomat. Or did they say I should be a politician? Either way, one makes up shit and the other one solves shit, wait while I’m thinking this am I missing something important she is saying?

The beautiful pony giggled "Rarity and that seems like a perfect price. I'll be right back, I just need to get some money from my boutique, it is right next door, stay right here please!" She went running off into a small store, before the door even closed she came running out again; a small sack of golden bits in hoof.

"Here you go" I said handing her the knapsack. I was now 15 bits richer, now I wish I took the 25 bits…

"Thank you, not that it’s any of my business but are you new in town?"

"Yup me and my friends just moved here" I’m obviously not going to tell her from where.

"Really?" She said with a small smirk "Then I guess Pinkie Pie will have to give you guys a house warming party, you have a house now right?"

Crap better think fast "Actually no, we came here on an impulse, but we will get one, wait who is Pinkie Pie?"

"Pinkie Pie is that giggly earth pony that is always bouncing around, giving the newcomers house parties, making cupcakes, that kind of stuff. If you were to get a house I’d advise you just take the old Calibri house. He was the town’s elderly newspaper maker who passed away 6 months ago, the mayor has the deed though, and if you can help her out a little bit I’m sure you can get the deed though." She gave me a small smile “maybe I would be able to see you a lot more then”

Perfect, I’ll do something for the mayor (Or if it comes to that peer pressure Dan into doing it) take the deed and wait for everything to work out.

"Great! I'm running late for a meeting now, but I’ll have to talk to you again!" I said with a smile, planning everything out in my head.

"Great!" she said it with the exact amount of enthusiasm has me "I can't wait for your house warming party, thanks to Pinkie Pie there always nice parties" She gave me a wink and we both shared a laugh.

"Sounds great, see you soon then!"

She began walking back into her boutique; the second the door shut I heard the obnoxious cheering (possibly jeering) from none other than my friends

"Yea buddy!" they all screamed out in unison before I could even turn around.

A little part of jersey everywhere.

"Yea buddy!"

"Yea buddy!"

"Yea Buddy!"

"Alright guys you have been saying yea buddy for 15 minutes now, I think I get the picture" I said, it actually was 15 minutes, for the last 5 minutes I thought I was turning schizophrenic. Obviously everyone was looking at us like we were burning a witch, but once we stopped everything returned to normal.

"Sorry, but anyways last time, yea buddy!" Conor said hooves rose in happiness.

"So guys how was sleeping in the woods like?" I asked

"Pretty good, Dan stabbed a hobo pony but other than that just dandy" Mike said with a wide awake smile.

"Bastard had it coming, he barfed all over my cash" Dan said in his own defense; showing a bag of cash drenched in sickly green barf, it would blow if no one accepted those.

"Not really, he just asked if you could spare some change" Conor said, Conor was always telling the truth, RIP that poor hobo.

"Alright guys I have a plan on how we can get a house without paying for anything, if any of you were listening it seems the mayor has a deed to a house in Ponyville we do something for her and we get the deed in return. Sounds good?"

"Not It!"

"Not It!"

"Not It!"

"Not it!"

"Not it!" I said, not this game

"Wait what? GOD DAMMIT!" Nico said, note to viewers: Only phase out when you can't possibly screw up.

"Well let’s see what she wants us to do before we play this game" I said, everyone nodded.

We began walking towards the mayor’s office in Ponyville. It was a nice large structure, made out of wood like all the other buildings, with some stone pillars outside that formed a beautifully maintained courtyard. We walked straight into the mayor’s office, she was an elderly women sitting next to a desk full with papers; her small glasses submerged into a book of the town’s progress this year probably.

"Hey hello there we were curious if there was any way we could get the deed to the Calibri house, anything you need done?" I said

“Well hello then, I’m Mayor Mare” She said

“Sup” Tyler said

“How can we get the deed to that new house?” I asked again

""Hmmmm” the old pony said "You wouldn't happen to know anything about espionage do you?"

"Sorry we don’t speak Spanish" I said, espionage is Spanish right? Then it hit me; do they even Have Spain here in

Equestria?

"I see I’m sorry the there’s nothing else I need done" She said in a sad voice

.

"Welllllll" Mike said, let’s see what he has "Dan is kind of into you...maybe he can do something for you?"

"MIKE FUCK YOU!" Dan said; I bit my lip until it nearly bled trying to stop from laughing, if no one laughed this might actually

work. Mike being a pimp might actually work.

"You don't say?" The mayor was now looking at Dan with a lusty look.

***

We sat outside patiently for a while; from inside we could hear the two whispering and the Mayors giggling. Eventually we heard Dan say

“Wait what? No fuck no! NOO! O GOD NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT BURNS KILL ME, O GOD OOOOOO GOD!”

Then we heard a punch thrown, a crash, and finally muffled screaming … poor bastard

We waited outside for a good 20 minutes, then Dan walked out with the deed in his hand. Before he even said a word he walked over to Mike and kicked him right in-between the eyes with surprising precision. Even though Mike was now on the ground he was still laughing so hard I thought he would explode. We all began laughing so long that Dan finally broke down and began to laugh too.

"Thanks for taking the hit buddy" Mike said with a slap on the back.

Dan got serious again "You owe me Mike, you seriously owe me."

"Alright man! Trust me! You have the deed and keys and everything?" Mike asked

"Yea everything is here, excuse me." Dan ran over to the restroom and we all heard several barfing noises before Dan walked outside.

"Weird, I swear to god the next time I am doing that is with someone I WANT TO DO IT WITH!" Dan said hyper ventilating;

let’s pray to god doing the mayor of Ponyville didn't scar him too much.

“Fun first time man?” I asked with a giggle

“Shut up Vespi”

"Alright guys let's kill the conversation and get back to the house, im sure Dan will need to sit on a doughnut."

And everyone began laughing fanatically again.

"So how was it?" Tyler asked, we were seriously still laughing

“Both my heart and my penis hurt now let’s shut the fuck up and head home”

Original 6FL nostolgia anyone :)?

-Vespie

This Adventure Made 0 Sense

I was stunned, I really was. I expected to not even find my house, just a slapdash pile of beer bottles, strange smells and damage. But my friends actually cleaned the house. CLEANED! When I woke up everyone was just lying around, Conor asleep on the couch. When Mike greeted me everyone came out of nowhere to say hi.

But first off, FUCKING HANGOVER

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, I got the pain out of my system; let’s get on with the story.

"Hey man where have you been?" Mike said with a grin

"Asleep where else" I said, “You guys actually cleaned?"

"Only in Equestria" Nico said

"Yup," Mike said "Me, Tyler, Nico and Conor have been cleaning, while Dan has been getting laid."

"I am sorry is Dan’s heterosexuality a problem with you?" I joked "Dan who's house were you at?"

"O, me?" Dan said he was phasing out on the steps to upstairs.

"No Conor, yes you." I said,

"O, you remember that rainbow pegasus?" He said

I nodded

"Yea, her names Rainbow Dash, I got some action in her Cloud house." He said with a sense of pride.

“Yea that’s totally not weird at all” Nico said

"Blows for you" Dan said.

Dan was about to say something but the Russian voice entered the room, causing everything to move to halt.

"Hello gentle ponies! How's the pony life?" He asked in good-nature

"Good" Mike said

50 bucks he says something stupid

“Dan got pony sex while we cleaned up after the party; and Vespi got head; if that counts, I’m not sure"

O Mike, so easy to remember.

I swear I heard the Russian nod his head (If that was possible) "I know, I was board so I checked up on you guys, I saw Dan putting his wing into Dashie’s-"

"EXPERIMENTATION!" Dan screamed, trying to spare himself the questions from everyone else, maybe no one was paying attention, maybe.

"Vagina"

“EXPERIMENTATION!” Dan screamed again, worst part about all of this was I was standing right next to Dan, and my hangover hurt like a bitch.

"And afterwards I saw you two under the covers; AGAIN! Good for you 2!" The Russian said with a cackle. “I remember those days when-“

"Thanks man." Dan said embarrassed; managing to cut off the elderly Russian reliving the days of old.

"I didn't come by to bust your balls about what you guys did last night, I came here to talk to you about re-doing that protocol, we are having some problems. Do not worry though my best security and scientists are on it, I should be able to send you some things as soon as possible! I’ll keep you guys up to date; drunken Russian out!"

We all stood there for a moment, waiting to see if the Russian was still there, maybe waiting to steal another secret.

"Soooooooooooooo" I said trying to hoax a conversation "Dan you wing fucked Dashie?" I said with a grin, first off I knew Tyler would have a lot of TROLOLOLOL material today

"Dam right" Dan said before everyone laughed so hard we couldn't stop for 10 minutes. Trololol averted.

"Okay everybody, I mean everypony what should we do today?" Mike asked

It was a weird feeling now; we were men, well men ponies. We could head to the biggest city, or the smallest town, it gave me a feeling of excitement and adventure it had never felt before; the feeling of freedom. Now only if I didn’t have a conscious…Speaking of conscious where are Marshal and Sam? O shit! Just realized we still need to meet up with them!

“Do you think Sam and Marshal are waiting for us at the Tower of Friendship or whatever it was called?” I blurted out

“Who cares, we have a house here and we need to pay the bills somehow” Mike said

“So anyone got any plans?”

“Pinkie Pie taught me how to make brownies!” Conor said

“Okay, you go make a shit ton of brownies while we brain storm”

“But I want to help D:” Conor complained

"Calm down your right here." Mike said, the kitchen was right next to the living room, Conor could hear us talking as though he was right next to us. Nice thing about random houses you get from horny elderly mayors. They come with furniture, and all the family’s crap including depressing mementos is gone. Thankfully they didn’t take the copper wire in the wall since everything seems to be operational.

"Fine fine fine" Conor said "how hungry is everyone?"

We all were starving, so in unison we just said "Make as many as you can" with an impish shrug Conor got to work.

We bickered and fought and discussed for hours, we took a semi-break to eat brownies. It was a semi-break since we were still talking with brownies clogging our mouths.

"Well….I told Dashie I was a stock brocker" Dan would say. “Maybe I could….be a stock broker?”

"Sounds pretty gay." Mike would always state.

"Nah man Stock Broker is a sick job." Nico would say, this went on 4 or 5 times until Mike gave up. So we agreed first chance we got, we would convince someone to take Dan in as a stock broker, which is retarded in every nature but…then again we are techno-colored ponies, in our nature this is pretty retarded.

"All I’ll do is make brownies?” Conor would always say, while making more brownies.

"You make good brownies right?" I'd say.

"How much would a job like that pay?" Conor asked

“I don’t know, be a fucking cook for all I care, it doesn’t matter”

“So I’m just going to kick clouds” Nico said

“Are you high or something?” Tyler asked

“Well what are you going to do Tyler?” Nico asked

“Unemployed”

“Why would you kick clouds Nico?”

“It’s an actual job, you kick clouds for good weather”

We then got a presentation from Nico about all the interesting things going on in the cloud kicking business, it was simple enough and was needed everywhere. Since no one has any college degree, and I doubt anyone will just give Dan a job, us 3 Pegasus will probably be cloud kickers for a lil bit.

“So I’m just going to rap” Mike said

“No Mike, get an actual job and stop being ghey” Tyler said, Tyler actually pronounces “gay” as “ghey”.

Part of me thought this was a good start, but most of me knew that this entire conversation wouldn’t amount to shit. No one would hire any of us, maybe Conor or I but definitely not Tyler, we’ll probably get normal teenager jobs and then just work our way up.

Everything was set. Dan confirmed that Dashie didn't know anything about his profession (Impressive skills) and Rarity never really asked me about my job, so we were set there. We spent the next half hour inside trying to kill the boredom of being unemployed, for the moment.

"Let’s go hunting!" Tyler said

"With what?" Mike said "We don’t even have hunting knives; and I doubt there is anything good to hunt."

"Let's just go walk into town, find something cool" I offered

"Why not" Mike said with that shrug "Let’s get going; before I die of diabetes" He tossed his last brownie in the trash

By the time we got to the heart of Ponyville we were all pretty tired, we had a lunch at a diner (either spend the rest of our bits on that or get diabetes from all of Conor’s brownies” and basically spent the rest of the day hanging out. We screwed around a bit, buying apples from that orange pony only to sell them to other ponies for steeper prices. We actually made some money like that maybe that could be our job, apple dealers.

We found Pinkie Pie and switched her icings with kerosene (Don’t ask). When she put a candle on one of the cupcakes the entire batch ignited in a massive fireworks display of cupcakes, beautiful.

All of this stuff was good to appease our thirst for adventure for the moment, but we needed a real adventure. Not making explosive cupcakes or screwing people over with apples, and we got our chance.

We saw 2 stallions both in gold plated armor; the last time I saw Royal Guards was in the train rash that we caused. Both also had a mask screaming "Fear" and "Confusion". Mike took the offensive.

"Hey Major Faggot, Colonel Hooker" Mike said with a slight bow.

The 1 pony didn't even have time to smack Mike on the back of the head before his friend could ask us a favor.

"Dam colts, no respect." The old pony grumbled "We need YOUR help."

"Why can't crap effectively anymore?" Mike said and we all stifled laughs.

"No, we have a major problem; very major AND very rewarding." Said the younger pony, problem wasn't my favorite word. Rewarding on the other hoof was a personal favorite.

"Sure, what do you guys need?" Dan said

***

"Backpacks"

"Check"

"Hiking gear"

"Check"

"Brownie"

"Check"

"Extra cash"

"Extra check"

Wow, I was still stunned at how much we were being paid for doing this! 5000 bits! That is a lot, maybe 10k back on Earth. What we had to do? Simple, find a jewel, hidden in a cave.

I still remember how easy the old pony had made it sound

"Okay all you have to do, is find a shiny rock up in this cave. Sounds good?"

We all nodded not paying attention.

"Good, here’s some money for equipment and a map. Good luck"

Seriously 5000 gold coins for this? What are there sentry guns and claymores waiting for us? Probably not, but then again.... no never mind no.

"Everyone ready?" I said

Everyone gave a nod.

"Then let's get them"

Money here we come

"Okay so where are we going again?" Mike asked, tired

"They didn't exactly give us a direct location" Dan said fumbling with the map "We just have to find a cave on this big mountain here and go in and find this box, there should be these jewels in it."

"So why don't we just steal the jewels?" Mike complained

"Because they will have your asses and have my wings" Nico said

"Okay right now- what the fuck was that!" Mike said; the last part was so fast it sounded like one massive word.

We all saw what Mike was talking about, we couldn't see it very well, but there was this massive Pink smoke coming out of a cave on top of one of the mountains.

"Screw jewels" Conor said "I smell brownies"

"No that's just shit" I said, motioning to a greenish brown turd right by Conor's hoof.

"Drunken Russian do you read me" Dan said into a fake microphone "Drunken Russian do you hear me?"

We all waited a moment

"Dan that was pretty dumb" I said, I'm pretty sure the Russian wasn't constantly watching us.

"Wait what?" The Russian called out from thin air.

"Shit you are watching us?" Dan said, eyes the size of saucers

"No I can hear you" The Russian said angry "I was taking a dump"

"Okay okay okay" Mike said trying to get the Russian off the topic of his crap.

"Do you know anything about pink smoke?"

The Russian waited a couple moments

"Do I look like a floating wiki to you?" The Russian said livid

"No you SOUND like a floating RUSSIAN wiki." I corrected

"Either way I don't know anything about magical pink smoke, go find it yourself."

The Russian said, out of the blue a M9 Beretta came out of clean air

"Here take this, im going to get back to fixing this protocol so it works better"

We all looked at each other; he gave us a pistol, a fucking pistol. I picked it up in my mouth and tried to position it in my mouth so I could use my tongue to pull the trigger

"Vespi what are you doing? Just use your hoof” Mike said

"Ever try your hooves?" Conor squeaked

My god, it worked! I may not have fingers but I can hold a pistol as a pony, nice.

"Okay let’s go find out where that pink smoke is coming from" I said and we raced to the mountain.

(69 minutes later)*** (69 minutes later)

We were all weary and out of breath, even Nico the jock was panting and tired.

"Maybe we shouldn't have ran the entire way" Mike said putting his hoof up against the mountains wall to steady himself "For an entire fucking hour"

"And nine minutes" Tyler added "Whoa that was 69 minutes!" Everyone wanted to laugh but we were too tired "Get it like the position!"

Dan tried to speak, barely mustering a coherent sentence "Not as fun, as, as, as you may think," He said almost falling face first into the dirt.

Although we basically failed to follow simple logic we were smart enough to rest a little bit. I laid down by the bottom of a lone tree, Dan and Nico laid down on their separate branches, Mike dropped down in the dirt, Conor was laying askew maybe 5 yards away and Tyler was just being Tyler (Half dead).

(6.9 minutes later)*** (6.9 minutes later)

"Alrighty I’m set" I said getting up

"Ready Dan? Mike? Tyler? Conor? Nico?"

Everyone got up and stretched out a bit Tyler again spoke up "Guys that was 6.9 minutes exactly"

“How do you know this stuff?” I asked

“Gland In my brain” he said pointing to his head “Tells me this stuff. But get it?”

Dan this time had more energy and completed his sentence "Tyler 69 is a number, now shut up and lets go find that pink smoke emitter" We could all see an entrails of fluffy pin smoke, almost like cotton candy, lazily drifting out of the mouth of the cave, twirling in the air heading towards the town.

"Okay guys lets breach!" mike said, making a MW3 reference

“Why?” I asked; even though we all liked COD that sounded pretty dumb

"Just go with it” Tyler said

No one really did it the right way, Dan just put his hoof up against thin air and said "BREACHING!" he made a fake explosion and we all ran inside, my pistol drawn.

We were all stunned at what we saw

"Sup hoes"

"You like the suit?"

It was Harrison Ayan, our good friend from school and fellow pony, dressed as a juggernaut. He was wielding a M60 in one hand exactly like the weapon he used to save us from the yellow pony back in Fillycolly and slumped over his obese back was a riot shield. His bullet proof armor coated him from head to toe, through his visors you could see Harrison’s semi-retarded smirk.

"Harrison" I said mouth ajar

"What the fuck!" Mike said

"Yea pretty awesome suit right?" Harrison said with a smile; I couldn’t help but notice the gun was loaded with a large clip of ammunition.

"No fucking gay!" Mike said enraged

"Why?" Harrison said still smiling "I thought you liked my recon juggernauts"

"No being ponies is our thing" Mike said thrusting a finger at Gayan "Bitch you don't come into our world and fuck things up?”

"I'm not a pony" Harrison said "I am a juggernaut"

"IN FUCKING PONYWORLD!" Dan said; this was terrible; Harrison came into our world, dressed up as a monster and he thinks it is cool! It was cool but he was Ayan!

"Fine I was going to give you some of my cotton candy smoke" He said motioning to a dumpy looking clump of electronics; it was spewing out the smoke at a constant pace.

"That stuff doesn't look safe" I said, seeing normal blackish gray smoke come out, and intertwined into the cotton candy mass.

"But now" He said loading a belt of ammo into his M60 "time to die"

“Wait what........." We all said in unison. So we went from being friends with Harrison to him about to shoot us, nothing seems to ever make sense, o wait Harrison’s with us.

"I know what will happen now; I can see the future you know!"

"Like at the Catillion" I said in a snide voice

At the Catillion Gayan got slapped by this really ugly chick; hilarious.

"Really what happens?" Mike said

"You" He said pointing to Dan "Will get laid"

"You" repointing towards me "Will get laid"

"You" pointing to Nico "Will get laid"

"Let me guess" I said, already knowing Ayan’s angle.

"We will all get laid and you won't"

“What. The. Fuck. Does this have to do with ANYTHING?” I asked

“I’m not actually sure, there were these dudes in red hoodies-“

“The same guys who tried to kill Mike?” I asked, they turned our good friend Harrison into an idiotic gun-for-hire, smart.

"Exactly" Gayan said not changing his voice's expression. "So I’m like going to shoot you in the face." Gayan then smashed down on his M60 and spayed rapidly, he was shooting at us!

Luck for us there were rocks casually dropped here and there in the cave. we all managed to jump behind something before any parts of the lead came close.

"Shit we need the Russian!" I screamed

"Well I’m not helping you" The Russian said, we could hear him giggling in the background.

"Why?" I asked

"Because I was taking a dump!" He said angrily "At my age do you know how hard that is!"

What

"Okay please just help us!" Dan pleaded

"Nah, get Russian trolled bitches!" he said, he was gone.

"Any smart ideas?" I asked depressed that I was going to die at such a young age. I then realized I was an animal; whether in pony or human form, it was survival instincts to do anything to survive. So I aimed the small pistol and shot at Ayan; my friend. 2 of the rounds missed but the third one popped Ayan right in-between the eyes; sadly the suit blocked it completely; Ayan’s only response was a laugh and “Bro you are going to need something bigger!”

I saw Mike’s eyes double in size; he had an idea, normally that was bad but at this viewpoint we needed anything we could get.

"I got it!" Mike said "Remember when we killed those beavers?"

Everyone nodded

"I have a 500 point streak right now." Everyone nodded "And I had hardline pro on"

"Wait what?" I asked confused if this was just a sick joke "I don't get it."

"Know what I can get with that?" It all clicked

"MOAB!!" Mike shouted, nothing happened

“PREDATOR MISSLE!?” Mike shouted this time it worked, he called it in, a random briefcase appeared on the ground next to him, and he began clicking and typing things, I didn’t really understand what had just happened; at first I thought it was just a cruel unicorn joke. It smashed right on top of Ayan, we all ducked and covered. The massive explosion covered the room, sweeping dirt away and smaller pebbles.

When we looked in Ayan’s direction we saw he was no more. A helmet landed by me, I picked it up

No one could survive that; not even Ayan

We were all shocked, we killed someone, but luckily I know how to change moods easily

I picked up the helmet and put it on my head

"Hey guys! I'm like Harrison so yea; I may be 6:20 but it’s cool you know?" Everyone laughed, sardonic impersonations are great.

"Do you know what this calls for?" We all turned around to see Pinkie Pie behind us, smiling happily. How did she get here?

"What..." Conor asked

"A PARTY!" Pinkie Pie jumped,

"Okay let's just get back home and get all patched up" Nico said, patched up? No one got shot

"What do you mean- HOLY SHIT!" Dan said. I turned to Nico, he was very pale and one of his wings was half torn off; there was crimson blood slowly trickling down the wing then down his hoof and then began to form a puddle by his foot.

"Yea I’m no doctor but I think I am seriously going to die right now" Nico said wobbling a bit,

"Jesus we need a doctor now!" I said, I wasn't about to let a friend die right now, like this.

"OkiDoki!" Pinkie Pie said,

For a moment I was so scared of Nico's health that I didn't know what had happened, I just froze. When I thawed out of my stupor I found I was back in the Town square, Nico was now just laying, his mangled wing to the sky still spewing out blood at a now even more alarming pace. Several strong looking stallions let by a massive red workhorse picked Nico up and dragged him off to possible help.

"Pinkie Pie" I started, "How did you do that?" I heard a faint giggle from behind; I turned around to see a nice lavender unicorn standing there.

"I did it," She said "Pinkie Pie's tail began twitching and we narrowed it down to Conor being in trouble, or some kind of weird hijacking."

"Okay...." I said, Conor I could understand the hijacking on the other hand seemed out of place.

"Wait why had Pinkie Pie chased after Conor?" Mike asked

"Silly don't you know?" Pinkie Pie said hopping up and down "He's the brownie to my cupcake!"

"Conor made me brownies once" I said "They tasted like vomit.”

"Really?" The lavender pony said "He and Pinkie made some and the seemed alright" She quickly added "O I’m Twilight."

Twilight as it seems was a petite (French for I don’t even know) lavender unicorn, her cutie mark resembled what seemed to be sparkles. Twilights’ sparkles? I would have to study her more carefully.

All my friends began to head back to the house, I haven’t actually seen Twilight yet so far, Rarity talked about her for a brief moment back at the party, nothing that I bothered to dwell over though.

"So how'd you find us?" I asked

"Well Pinkie's tail began to twitch a ton" She said, Pinkie Pie was jumping up and down for no apparent reason.

"I see I see" said urging her to go on, frankly at this moment I wanted to become as distant to my friends as possible, I didn’t really feel like talking to them since there is a good chance, somewhere around here, Nico is dying.

"So I used a spell to find Conor and-" I stopped Twilight mid-sentence "Wait you have a spell that can find people?!" I haven’t seen real pony magic, Mike was a unicorn but he didn't know any tricks.

"Yup" She said with a prideful grin "I did after all get my cutie mark from magic after all"

So that's where she got that sparkles magic cutie mark, from magic.

"Cool" I looked over to my flank and saw my cutie mark "Yea I got mine from being myself"

She giggled a bit

"You’re Funny!" She said still giggling "What's your name?"

"Vespi" I saw Pinkie Pie run towards us, her eyes bouncing from side to side in adrenaline "let me guess Pinkie"

I put my front hoof in Pinkie's face to prevent her from responding

"You’re going to have a 2nd party for Nico?" I asked

"Nico?" Pinkie Pie said confused "The pegasus who got hurt? He looks more like a Patrick or a Lawrence to me!" She said with a giggle, first off Nico does not look like a fucking Lawrence.

"Well he’s Nico" I said

"No he is Lawrence!" Pinkie Pie screamed in a high pitched voice.

"No he is Nico" I said again

"NO HE IS LAWRENCE! HE IS A LAWRENCE!" Pinkie Pie went insane spazing out jumping, bouncing, running, summer salting all over like a madman. She finally left my line of sight in mid cart wheel. It’s clear she forgot to take her medication.

"So is that normal behavior?" I asked

"Yea..." Twilight said "She just didn’t take her medication today, that is all”

AHAH! I was right!

"Really" I said “What does Pinkie Pie do for a living? Just throw parties?”

“No she works at Sugarcube Corner, down there” Twilight said pointing down the street “Spike and I go down there all the time” Sugarcube Corner aye? Maybe we found Conor a job.

"Wait whose Spike?" I asked

"Spike?" Twilight asked "After that Canterlot exam hes been my little dragon brother" She sighed "He's really nice, but always trying to win Rarity over."

"Really?" I said with a giggle, lol (Yes my hangover is getting to me) I love competition.

"Yup" She smirked back.

At that time Pinkie Pie came back, this time standing somewhat still

"Sorry about that, I'm going to go work on the party." She said in a resolute and calm voice.

"Okay Pinkie" Twilight said, Pinkie Pie began to walk (not run) over to my house.

"I guess I’ll see you at the party?" I asked

"Sure!" Twilight said "I have to get back to reading through, I'll see you then though" She said walking away,

Then something just hit me

THIS ENTIRE FUCKING DAY MADE 0 SENSE

Someone sneezed by me O GOD MY HANGOVER IS STILL THERE!

Party #2

The rest of the day had gone by painfully slow; we couldn't believe what had happened. Everything we thought made it sound illogical, but then again something illogical was us being here in the first place. This entire scenario made me ask the same few questions over and over again.

How did Ayan come here in human form and here at all when he wasn’t with us?

How good is medicine here? Would he ever fly again?

How is everypony else feeling about this?

The questions bobbed and weaved through my head, tormenting me until the door creaked open, it was Nico; with a bandaged wing and a happy expression on his face.

“GUESS WHO?” Nico shouted

“Pizza guy?” Tyler asked

"Jesus christ Nico are you okay?" I asked, I looked down at his bandaged wing; it seemed a lot healthier than before, maybe that was because it wasn't dangling down hanging only by a thin thread.

"Yea" Nico said looking at his own bandaged wing "I'll be fine, god bless magic!"

"Magic..." Tyler said, everypony else at this point was moving towards the door.

"Yea magic!" Nico said "Saved my wing, I can fly in like 3 days they said."

"Cool story bro" Mike said "Hopefully Pinkie Pie forgot about that get well party" He quickly added "Not that we don't want you to get back, just we just had a party."

"Agreed" Dan said with a nod "I just pray to god she isn't-"

Dan was cut off by a loud knocking on the door.

Nico being the closest to the door opened the door half way, the velocity of a giant pink ball helped Nico with the remainder, it was Pinkie Pie.

"Lawrence!!!!!" She screamed in glee "O my gosh O my gosh you are okay!" She said giving him a hug.

“…Why did she call me Lawrence?” Nico asked

"Yea, hey Pinks" Conor said, stepping forward "Like, can we have the party some other time?" We are pretty tired and all and-"

"No silly of course not!" Pinkie said, she ran outside of the house for a moment, when she came back she had a small cannon with her, it was one of those old timey looking cannons, a very simplistic design with 2 reals, 1 barrel, and pink everywhere.

"What the fuck is that!" Dan said stunned, Pinkie Pie + cannon = terrible things... In my opinion

"Silly it is my party cannon!" Pinkie pie exclaimed, she pulled a lever and the cannon fired what at first seemed to be a blank, then we realized that it held a small pink cover with balloons and other party necessaries. It hit a nearby normal coffee table and turned it into a pink party table, o god.

At this point we also gave up on the idea of forcing Pinkie Pie of abandoning the party scheme.

"Yea Pinkie Pie you do, whatever the hell you are going to do with that cannon. Conor go make some brownies, and everyone else do whatever, I guess I’ll see you at 9ish or so."

Pinkie Pie shook her head "No at 8! That's what I told everypony!" She squealed, we didn't even bother to respond. I went upstairs to take a nap. For a small pony house it sure was lucky of us to have one with 5 bedrooms, and Tyler didn’t mind sleeping on the couch; even during the parties I assume.

I didn't even bother to get under the covers or anything; I just dropped down, for the moment dead to the world.

***

When I first felt the vibrations I thought it was some kind of Equestrian earthquake, then I finally woke up fully, it was music. I was late to the party! I tripped down the hallway but managed not to do anything really stupid in public.

When I trotted down the stairs the party was a lot like Pinkie's first one; plenty of ponies, techno music, and endless possibilities; I was about to explore on my own when I saw Mike wave me over, he was talking to 2 mares.

"Yo Vespi remember how we killed Gayan?" He asked

"Yuhuh" I said

"Man that was a wicked headshot!" he said, yup Mike was already lying, might as well go along with it. I couldn’t blame Mike for lying, we were after all on a clean slate really, and we could just make up anything we want. Unless of course something from our past 4 weeks in Equestria and screws us, but I doubt that would happen.

"Yup, perfect aiming" I said trying my best to lie

"See what I mean? I got top shots." He said with a laugh.

"Yo Mike have you seen Rarity?" I asked, maybe he could be honest for once.

"Sorry I haven’t" He said "Have seen Dan or Tyler, why don't you go find them?"

I gave a shrug, who knows maybe there will be adventure on the way. As I was walking away I could have sworn I heard a familiar voice say "Do you think he saw me?"

Before I could delve into the idea I already could hear Tyler's intoxicating laugh in the distance. I half-stepped outside to see Dan, Tyler and 2 other stallions I haven’t met before running and laughing down the street.

"Hey guys what are you doing?" I asked

"We were just having a gay time using eggs and windows!" The brown pony said in a British accent.

"Shut up Doctor Whooves!" Dan turned to me "Faggot"

“Yea stop being a faggot you faggot >:C!” Tyler shouted

"Okay, what were you guys doing?" I asked

"Just throwing eggs at windows" Dan said "Care to come?"

I sighed "We have an entire party planned for Nico and you guys are outside?" I asked,

"Yup, Comon Vespi it'll be fun" Tyler said urging me to follow. I sighed and complied.

We tossed eggs at several targets, a school house, the mayor’s office (Dan’s payback), a store that sold just quills and sofas, and what I think was Pinkie’s house (I think).

Our next target was a large tree house, not those dinky little tree houses homeless people had in trees. This was an actual house, with a door, glass windows, and from my best guess plumbing and electricity.

We fired maybe a dozen eggs at the house before a small purple dragon opened the door and screamed "Hey what are you guys doing to the library?" behind him I could hear someone ask "Spike who is it?"

Jesus it was Twilight! I then instantly jumped into a nearby bush and tried my best to obscurely head back up the street in which we had come. I had crawled maybe 10 feet before I heard the sound of a scream in pain and laughter. I saw the other 4 ponies run off, Tyler limping.

After I felt I had made enough distance so she couldn't see me, I got up on my hooves and headed back to Twilight's house. When I got there I saw Twilight, magically levitating a bucket trying her best to wash off the egg goo.

"Hey Twilight what happened?" When I asked her she nearly dropped the bucket.

"O hey, some ponies through eggs at my window!" She said grimacing at the windows “Some ponies just never grow up”

"I chucked a book at one of them before they got off though, so not a total lose."

"I see need some help?"  I asked

"Sure why not..." Twilight said using a wet towel to remove some of the egg.

I did what was necessary, which was nothing except to hold the bucket on my back to give Twilight an easier time, all the way being silent. Afterwards I finally began to talk again.

"Thanks again Twilight for saving my friend Nico and all" I said

"You’re welcome, is he doing better?" She asked

"He actually is, in fact we are having a get well party for him right now" I gave Twilight a suspicious look "How come you aren’t there?"

"O me" Twilight said blushing "I'm not really a party mare, books are more my thing..." she said with a sigh

"I kind of like books myself" I said, I wasn't really crazy about books, but I like a good book every now and then. HA YOU BELIEVED ME! Come on guys, you actually think I read?

"Really you do?" She asked surprised

"Yea I do any new good books you have read?' I asked

"O yes lots of them!" She said practically dragging me into her house, her tree house also seemed now to be a library. Each shelf was full of books, books of all knowledge. To name a few I just glanced at was Full Biography of Princess Celestia, Flying and you, and How to act like a Canterlot.

"Wow this is a lot of books" I said, there were books on walls, in rooms I even saw a book laying inside the refrigerator; Food for you the full dictionary of good foods.

"Yea this is a library after all" She said blushing again.

"Cool" I said absent mindedly, had to admit she was a book worm.

"Yea...” She said, dragging her hoof against the tiles of the kitchen floor "Hey Vespi" She asked

"Yes?"

"You said you were having a party for your friend right?" She asked shyly

"Yes" I said again

"Do you mind if, I can come?" She asked

"Yea sure why not" I said with a shrug, I'm not cheating on Rarity; I'm just inviting one of her friends, right?

We headed outside and we began heading back to the house. We just did some small talk on the way there, I still wasn't cheating on Rarity, and all I was doing was talking and slowing down once and a while to watch Twilight walk. That’s not cheating,

Right?

It wasn't long before we could hear the loud, obnoxious techno music from the house. I could have sworn I saw Tyler and the other stallions watching me but then again, maybe I was just in my own world. By the time we got there the party was in full swing, the music beating, the floor shaking; it was a true party.

I eventually realized Twilight wasn't the sardonic bitch that I originally thought she was. In fact she was very, very nice. One problem though, she loved books; I mean like a lot. I'm okay with books her obsession just seemed, unhealthy.

"You sure seem a lot nicer then at first glance" I said, bringing the subject up again.

"Yea I was just kind of stressed" She said blushing

"Really? What stress?" I retorted

"O school stuff." She said school stuff? If ponies our age drink and party I doubt they are still in school, that and Rarity said she is a fashion designer.

"School" I said, no question, no exclamation, just a bland plain 'School'.

"Yea" She said, still blushing "I am after all the Princess's apprentice"

Princess Celestia? I then remembered Princess Celestia saying something about “My own apprentice”. Amazing what you can learn and what you don't pick up on.

"Cool" I said, we were down the street from the party, might as well cut the conversation. The house was probably cramped as usual, that brought up my next question. How would a bookworm handle a party? I was about to delve into the idea some more before Twilight spoke up.

"So, ummmm are you going to open the door for me?"  She said

"What? O sorry I was in my own little world" I said, opening the door for her; I also managed to trip on a spare cupcake lying in the middle of the door.

I was dismayed when I fell face first into the floor, my pride fortunately took the brunt of the blow. I was lying face first into that cupcake when Mike walked over to see what caused the door to randomly open.

"Hey man! How's it going?" Mike said, lending me a hoof

"Pretty good," I said dusting myself off "What happened when I was gone?"

"O the usual" Mike began "Tyler got nailed in the balls with a book, more 7 minutes in heaven shenanigans, Derpy's XMuffin25, the-"

"Wait what?" I asked surprised "A XMuffin25?"

"Bro I didn't get it either!" Mike said, hands in the air "It’s an XM25 that shoots airburst muffins"

"Wait who Derpy?" I asked

"The pony with the fucked up eyes" He said "She came in and strafed us"

"Anyone hurt?" I asked circumspect

"Ayan got a black eye" He said "But other than that-"

"Wait" I was stunned, it was even hard to make a decent sentence "Ayan is back?!"

"Yea man!" Dan came by fluttering with his wings "He's retelling the story again, Comon Vespi."

Retelling? Retelling what?

I didn't bother to go look for Twilight; I’d probably find her again.

"So yea" Ayan said, flipping his long hair. His hairstyle was basically Justin Biebers, just more ayanish. His brown body matched with his brown mane; if we ever needed camo we just needed Ayan; if we were infiltrating a giant dog turd.

"'I was like chasing after Patrick through the sand dunes" Ayan said, pointing to Tyler and Conor "And then I almost got him but he predied me!"

"predied you?” A random pony asked

"You know like a predator-“Ayan couldn't finish his sentence, he was about to blow our cover.

"Tyler help me with him" Tyler nodded, Dan, Mike, and Conor followed. Nico was either missing or incognito.

I pushed Ayan outside and knocked him against the windowsill.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, the other stallions just stood behind me, waiting for what happened next.

"Telling a story" He said with a smile "What are you doing?"

"Asshole!" I screamed into his face "These ponies don't know about machine gunsand juggernauts!"

"Maybe they do" He said, using his stupid smile to break my concentration. It’s true that ponies have guns, I mean

Commander Muttonchops had 1, and so did WJ, perhaps there just…secret.? That couldn’t be too far, considering Muttonchops was about to shoot Mike over it.

"No they don't you re-tard" Conor said "Bitch I am going to cut you." Conor pulled out a cherry red switchblade.

"Calm down bra" He said putting his hands up in defeat "I didn't tell anyone else, I won't tell anyone."

"Good I said." Tyler spoke up "Nobody?”

“Nobody!”

“Really?” I asked

“Yes” He said

“Really?” I asked

"Eyup!" We all turned around to see a big red stallion in the doorway, looking at us; okay that is plain rude.

"Who the fuck are you!?" I asked

"Uhh, I jus came to tell y’all that dat girl the Powerful Trixie is here and causin one hoof a storm, y’all want to come rustle this problem?" The red stallions voice was a massive jumble of country speak, for a moment I didn't even know what he was talking about.

"Okay...." Mike said

"Where’s Nico?" I asked

"I don’t know" Tyler said, "I'm going to go find a mare, do whatever you want."

"Yea" Dan said, heading inside "I'm going to go find Dashie"

"I need to make some more brownies I fear" Conor said "Adios gentlemen!"

"Yea" Mike said following everypony else "I saw some nice Lavender ass coming over here, I'm going to go see if I can find it again."

"I'm going to go get my Juggernaut suit from the dry cleaners" Gayan said, heading off into the street.

"Wait what?" I asked, his juggernaut suit?

"Yea man I'm now Ponyville's juggernaut" He flashed an icon of a juggernaut on his flank.

"Okay then see you" I said there was almost no point trying to figure that out.

"See you, I'd go find that Trixie thing" Ayan said running off. I was alone again, I frowned for a moment before heading inside again, might as well be the peacekeeper. Maybe I could get some payback, that bitch after all just left us several times

I was kind of sad that everypony had somewhere to go and some pony to meet but me, then again Rarity was nowhere to be found; I didn’t even see her in the streets; Pinkie Pie knowing I didn’t see Rarity for a whole day would have a good reason for having a party; in her eyes.

I headed outside to see what this entire Trixie problem was about, I headed outside with the bigger red pony and saw a dark blue pegasus wearing aviators talking to our good friend light blue unicorn, wearing a hat.

"Sorry but this is a private party" Said the pegasus, I found it strange how the pony wore aviator sunglasses, and it gave me pangs of sadness of Earth and humanity. More importantly, that dude looks just like me!

"But I am the great and magnificent Trixie!" The pompous unicorn said.

"Sure you are, now leave before we make you" The pony looked back at me and the bigger red earth pony.

"O really?" The unicorn said with a snide smile "Come at me you vile pleb!" She said her horn glowing up with a magical aura

"You 2 let's get her." The pegasus didn't even bother to take his shades off; he just trotted up to the unicorn as if he was taking candy from a baby. The unicorn didn't like that.

Before anyone could react the "Great and powerful Trixie" levitated a tree right out of the ground, this was probably the first time I had seen actual strong magic, besides Twilight levitating books or Mike’s teleportation.

The larger red stallion (Still don't know his name) rammed into the smaller pegasus, causing the projectile to smash into a nearby house, a bakery actually.

"Ha-ha! Who has a private party NOW!?" Bellowed the unicorn

"We kind of still do" I said

"O really?" She said, picking up a nearby apple vending cart and levitating it into the air like it was just a stone.

“Eh hon that is ma apple cart! Y’all can’t just pick dem cart up!” The bigger red pony yodeled in his country accent, okay that is actually really annoying.

I could tell she was about to hit me with the cart, I had the strange feeling I was about to die; but then came Pinkie Pie.

"Pony what did you do to my bakery!" Pinkie Pie said, jumping out of the gaping hole in the Bakery, she was clearly making more cupcakes.

"Your plebian building was in the way!" Trixie said.

"Who are you calling plebian!" Pinkie Pie said, walking straight towards the unicorn.

"Come at me bro!" The unicorn finally said, it was obvious that magic was faster than any reflexes, fortunately us pegasus knew how to fly.

He darted quickly, right off his hooves at an astounding speed, ramming right into the unicorn. She instantly dropped the cart as the pegasus mounted her and punched her in the face, hard.

"Pinkie Pie, your knife please" He said, I was expecting a chef knife or something, but Pinkie Pie had a cherry red switchblade (Just like Conor's) she tossed it into the air and the pegasus caught it, not sparing a second to bring it right up to the unicorn's horn.

"Who’s the great and powerful now bitch?" He said, I couldn’t tell what was colder; his words or the knife. The cold steel was now right on her horn almost cutting into it; I could of sworn I heard her try and say something, but tears clogging her throat prevented that.

"Pathetic." He then got off of her then said "Bitch blow this guy" at first I thought he was pointing at me, but when the other big red stallion stood forward I just let him have that.

.......

……………….

………………………………

……………………………………………………..

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? THE COPS ARE GOING TO COME AND ARREST US ALL FOR RAPE? WUT IS THIS!? WUT IS THIS!?S SDFNKNDKSFJNSDKFJNSDFKJSDNFOWEMDVSVLCXVMPENSODFN

"Pretty weird punishment" I said, trying to contain my true thoughts.

"Thanks" He said, we were both now heading inside, letting the other stallion have his way with the 'great and powerful Trixie'.

"What's her problem?" I asked

He gave me a strange look, "Are you new in town?" he asked

"Yea, me and my 5 friends just moved here, this is our house after all.

"This is your house?" He said, taking off his aviators for a quick moment just to confirm if he was seeing things correctly.

"Dam right." I said, my pride mounting "Liking the party?"

"Ehh, not as good as the Cloudsdale parties" he said "But for a ground dwellers’ show you guys are doing good."

"Yea, Cloudsdale seems pretty cool" I confessed, frankly I liked the idea of soaring in the clouds, flying, wing fucking, that stuff with all the other pegasus, sadly I’d mean Dan, Nico and I would have to leave the other guys and there’d be no Rarity.

"Yea we got it made" He said with a superior smile "Hell if you had wings you'd be in the circle."

"I do have wings… I asked

He showed me a small platinum shield, over it was a set of wings “This is what I mean, you got to pass a test to show you’re a real pegasus” He said, that would be interesting, I had no doubt Nico or Dan could pass it.

“Once you get in, you’re in the circle”

"The crew of pegasus that are somebodies" He said "You know, Wonderbolts, Celebrities, the Canterlot elite, those kinds.

I nodded, I didn't know who the Wonderbolts are but I knew i'd look like an idiot if I asked.

"Names Ace by the way" He said

"Vespi" I said shaking his hoof.

"I guess I’ll see you at the next party, I have to head in early for practice tomorrow."

I took a shot "You’re a Wonderbolt?" I assumed it was some kind of sports team

He grinned again "Dam right" before I could reply and keep the conversation going he took off without another word.

The rest of the night was a blur of fun and excitement, nothing really memorable happened, then again I fell asleep an hour later.

Good times :)

I wonder if that big pony will get charged for rape or anything o_0

Act I: Into a New World

ACT I

INTO A NEW WORLD

DAYS IN EQUESTRIA: ZERO

_________________________________________________________________________________

“Son of a bitch” I cursed, looking at the Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 screen. Once again I had the pleasure of being the humiliating final kill. I had been caught napping while sniping and of course I didn’t notice my good friend Tyler getting a “lead enema moment” AKA “Bullets up ze anus”.

“Nice one” Mike joked, acknowledging the soldier tea-bagging my oblivious character from behind before throwing knifing my guy; The small child screaming into his mic in an ecstatic voice.

“That was a sucky final kill” I remarked

“I WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SUCK!” The small child said, I swear to God 8 year olds piss me off.

I was about to hoax more conversation before the phone began to chirp, I looked down to see that it was from my good friend Nico Britt. I put the phone up to my head

“Yello” I said with my normal suave, knowing that the call was either going to be life shocking or just another derp-like moment in my life.

“Hey Vespi” Nico said “Can you come to my house in like 15 minutes? Ojay has gone missing”

I couldn’t help but not care. Ojay was Nico’s new dog, one of those fluffy little white ones that hover on the ground and look like a football. Then again it was going to be helping Nico out with his dilemma, or listening to PWNDAWGLEGITZ1111 screaming into his mic sounding like a hamster on speed.

“Sure I’ll help you out” I said, I put the mic back up to my head “Hey Tyler, Mike, Conor- Conor you still there?”

“Right here” Conor instantly responded

“Okay, Nico lost Ojay I’m going over there in like 15 minutes, want to come with?”

“Sure whatever” Everyone responded in a type of staccato unison.

“Awesome” I said, I put the phone back up to my head, dropping the mic “Hey Nico, me, Tyler, Conor, and Mike are coming over. Where’d you lose Ojay?”

“Forest” Nico said tersely. God I love my small town! New Jersey was a great place to live (Except for Newark and Camden of course), we weren’t a bunch of Rednecks down in Florida but we still acted like one of those 1950 like small towns. Almost everyone knew everyone and everyone seemed to get along for the most part, myself being in tune with that.

“Okay I’ll meet you there” I said, ending the message “Okay see you guys at Nico’s house”

Everyone said “okay” and the Xbox was off.

I left my chair and waltzed towards my dresser, now I had the pleasure of which clothes to wear to such a prestigious occasion. I glanced through my 2nd draw to see what was in stock

Jeans?

Way too hot, it’s April and almost 90 Degrees

Cargo Pants?

No

Jean Shorts?

Sorry not gay and or a girl

Gym Shorts?

Bingo,

I tossed on my best pair of gym shorts, the black ones with the green slash and Nike symbol, and tossed on a shirt, grabbed my phone from my desk and trudged down the stairs. I plopped both my (Also Nike) shoes on and went into the kitchen for a quick bite on the go, seriously, who eats breakfast anyways?

I grabbed a granola bar, I could go for a drink but my parents were nothing less of gung-ho about health and soda was strictly forbidden. Good thing Nico has a stash of Pepsi.

“Where are you going?” My dad, noticing my, what he would call “ghetto gear”.

“Nico’s house” I said “He lost his new dog and we are going to help him find him” I quickly chirped in.

“Where are you going to be? By the forest?” My dad asked, drinking a protein shake (Seriously gung-ho)

“Maybe, I don’t think so” I said, we would probably end up in the forest either way, I just didn’t want my over worrisome dad to flip his shit about me walking in a forest.

“Okay, there has been some talk about the forest” I admitted said in a circumspect manner

“Don’t worry” I said “See you” running into the other room to say goodbye to my sister.

She was sitting in my parent’s room, watching TV and eating a stack of pancakes.

“Where are you going gangsta?” She asked trying to bust my chops

“Nico’s house” I said

“Cool broski” She said “Later broski boi!”

“See you little girl” I said, getting up and heading out the door.

It was surprisingly good day, mid 80s with a gentle soothing breeze. It was one of those days you just couldn’t be cooped up inside like a slave. The walk to Nico’s house was 15 minutes and relatively uneventful. I walked right up to the front door and knocked twice. From inside  I could hear a pair of footsteps coming towards the door.

“O hey Michael” Mrs. Britt said, she and the parents were the only ones who called me by my actual name.

“Hey Mrs. Britt” I said “Is Nico home?”

“He’s in the basement with a couple of his friends” Mrs. Britt said, shifting to the side to let me in. I instantly knew where to go and made a left and went down the shoddy wooden stairs, from the stairwell I could hear Mike and Nico talking. In the background I assumed they were playing on the Wii. I walked inside, Dan was sitting on a bean bag, and Conor and Tyler were sitting on the black leather couch. Nico and Mike were playing exactly what I thought, Wii Tennis. Nico really needed an Xbox.

“Hey Vespi” Nico said, swatting at the computerized ball.

“Sup, got a Pepsi I can have?” I asked

“Yea one’s in the freezer”

I walked to the next room and took the coldest looking Pepsi I could find and opened it and took a sip. I walked back into the room.

“Ready to go?” Dan asked

“Let me rape Nico with this backhand” Mike said excitedly. Nico hit a weak shot sending the Wii tennis ball onto Mike’s court. Mike swung the Wii stick like a baseball, sadly on the follow up Mike failed to keep the safety string attached to the wrist, the Wii remote went flying and hit a nearby glass vase filled with water. The glass exploded with a loud “clang” before the contents of the vase leaked onto the carpet floor.

“O shit” Nico cursed, running for paper towels.

I’m sure you’re going to want to know all about this loveable gaggle of idiots. Well I’m Michael Vespa. Basic run of the mill kid from New Jersey, I basically do whatever and do what I can. As you probably guessed I’m not the smartest guy on the block, or in the neighborhood…or in the town, mainly for hanging out with these guys. But then again those B-s don’t lie!

Your probably wondering why Mike isn’t freaking out about breaking Nico’s Chinese Ming vase, mainly because he is Mike. Mike is what you’d expect from a kid from Newark, except he’s not from Newark…nor is he black. He is probably the best liar you will ever meet though, his wily and clever lines catching off-guard authority figures all around the county. Sadly lying is a double edged sword, lucky me.

Then there is Nico, who is right now picking up small shards of glass and using a Sham Wow on the carpet. He is an amazing athlete. He can play baseball, soccer, basketball, tennis, lacrosse, competitive swimming, volleyball, kick ball, ball kick, javelin throwing, parkour, gymnastics and an even longer list of athletic hobbies. Nothing is really wrong with him, besides the fact he doesn’t own an Xbox…which is saying a lot.

Tyler Martin is the designated class clown. There isn’t a teacher or parent or police officer or clerk or any adult that has been spared by him. He is probably one of the funniest kids you will know, turning a melancholy activity like a funeral into an enjoyable event. When paired with kids like Me, Mike or our other good friend Harrison….well expect to laugh.

Conor is the crazy ninja like monkey to our drug cartel (Hangover Part 2 Anyone?). He has an amazing amount of vitality, constantly hyper and always jumpy. It is like Scarface snorted kerosene and an assortment of other drugs all at the same time. He’s the type of kid you’d expect to be into something abnormally dangerous.

Last, but not least is Dan. Long blond hair like Dan and athletic capabilities like Nico, Dan is the perfect combination of everything we respect. Sadly he isn’t too into integrity. Fortunately he isn’t like Mike who would lie about the most frivolous thing, but rather would lie to just avoid paying his dues. He still owes me 50$s worth of soda…bastard.

“Are we ready to go soon?” I inquired, watching Nico finish picking up individual shards of glass and dropping them in the garbage can. The Wii remote laid in salvageable condition across the room.

“Yea, let’s go before Mike breaks anything else” Nico said

“Relax I’ll fix it when we get back” Mike said, perfect example.

I took a sip of Pepsi and left it on the table; I got up and opened the backdoor. Nico’s backyard was a cozy looking platform of grass, surrounding it were dozens of sullen oak trees.

“We are going in the forest?” I asked

“Yea, Ojay must be in there somewhere” Dan said

“Okay let’s go” Mike said, walking into the trail.

I automatically had skepticism about the intent of our journey. The woods weren’t massive, but still a large amount of ground to go through. There was a wide river with a strong current cutting the woods in twain, we tried crossing it once but sadly Mike was almost swept off to his death.

We followed an elderly like trail for some time, observing the beautiful landscape in front of us. Squirrels and deer were in the midst, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue, white wispy clouds were overhead; flowers of red and yellow and blue and orange added to the riot of color….and there was a dead deer right on the road.

“Want to go up to old Agincourt Manor?” Tyler inquired, growing wearisome of our adventure already. Agincourt Manor was a massive deserted estate, centered on a large hill in the middle of the hill. How it got the name Agincourt no one knows, but one thing was certain, nothing good could come out of the house. No one ever entered it, two teens before our time approached its proximity. But that were instantly scared off by something, they said it was larger than a human. I assume there imagination was overtaking their mind?

“No” Dan said “That place is scary as shit, and it is a long walk”

I didn’t believe the myths concocted by older students, but yet I was still intimidated by the ruins of the once prestigious mansion.

“That is one huge house” My dad once remarked “Huge place, beautiful marble pillars. The owner said that two of them were from a temple in Rome!”

My dad never said who the owner was, maybe I could find out myself!

“I want to go” I said “You in Mike?”

Mike gave a smile “As long as Dan doesn’t piss himself”

Mike and Dan had an odd relationship. They were like friendly enemies, or enemy like friends. The two would go down to Miami over spring break but talk about the other behind the other’s back. Still in the end, even though they showed a semblance of distrust for the other, they were dependable friends when it was necessary.

Dan’s face turned serious “Let’s go then”

We turned around and took a shortcut up a steep hill. We eventually found the driveway half-way up the hill. It was marked by a massive stone gate. Two marble lions stood sentry outside, their faces locked for eternity in a belligerent and malicious face.

The Iron Gate was rusted and even falling to pieces in some places, With one sharp kick of Nico the gate broke in twain, clanging as it hit the ground.

“After you good sir” Nico said as he made a mock bow while hold half the gate open for us.

In the distance I could see the Agincourt Manor. It looked more like the house of a king then a once illustrious business man. The house had to be three stories high and spanned out in a E like array, the two ends sticking out and turning at a 90 degree angle to form a sort of courtyard with the third annex. Huge oak trees encompassed the entire vicinity, making it difficult to see the surroundings, shame too; it would have had a nice view.

I felt my senses sharpen, my eyes darted from side to side, inspecting the ruins. One of the walls on the left annex was toppled over. A large oak tree had landed on part of the right annex, crashing into what looked like a bathroom. Don’t want to sound like I’m from Newark….but… this would be a nice place to loot.

The annex’s met at a second larger iron gate, from inside I could see the marble pillars my dad had talked about, each looking massive, jetting out into the air over the 1 story annexes.

Dan took his turn; he ran into the Iron Gate and sent it flying back, it being broken at the hinges. Dan sadly went with it, falling down as well.

“You okay?” Mike asked, offering Dan a helping hand

“Thanks” Dan said, taking the liberty to dust himself off.

The inside of the courtyard was even creepier. The once well-tailored courtyard was a muddle of overgrow plants, some of them being almost attached to the walls. Thorn bushes went onto the path, making a sort of barbed wire. Another hole was found in the left annex; inside we saw what looked like some sort of a library.

“OJJJJJJJJJJJJJAY” I heard behind me “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAYYYYYYYY”

        A gargoyle fell from the roof, landing right next to my right foot.

“Be quiet!” I hissed

“Sorry” Nico said, acknowledging I almost got killed by a 25 pound gargoyle falling from 3 stories above.

We tip-toed by the thorn bushes and opened the large oak doors inside the parlor. The door making a surprisingly long creak as it was slowly opened.

The parlor was musty and intimidating. A grand piano had crashed from the floor above and landed right off to our right. The air was stale and rancid; there was evidence of fire everywhere. I took a few cautious steps, my legs feeling 10 xs heavier than they actually were.

“Where should we go first?” Conor asked, his voice quavering for only a moment.

“Let’s go upstairs” Mike said, walking straight towards the stairs, not even partially frightened.

I followed behind, we walked up the stairs, and the stairs divided half way up (One gong to the left, one going to the right) and met at the top. There was no actually floor above, but instead a sort of inside balcony, the massive chandelier was hanging by a thin thread.

“Dare me to bring it crashing down?” Tyler offered, already looking for a projectile.

Then something strange happened, a strong gusty wind blew through the house, the thin thread snapped and the chandelier came smashing down; encasing the first floor full of shards of glass.

“That was…weird” I said. There was a large hole in the wall right across from us, and all the windows were broken. But was that enough to send such a strong wind through the house?

“Let’s head back” Dan said

“Relax, let’s go just a little further” Mike said in a reassuring voice. We hastily yet somehow stealthily walked across the wooden cat walk and opened the door, revealing a kitchen. Once again a stronger wind blew, sending some pots and pans dangling from the wall flying off their position. But what was weirder was that all the windows but 1 was intact! Did all that wind come from that one small opening?

“Okay well we can ju-“Mike was cut off mid-sentence, a lone little plastic cup rolled across the linoleum floor, coming from behind the wall in the kitchen.

“Who’s there?” Mike asked, his voice somewhat shaking

No response

“Who’s there?” Mike repeated

No response

“Hashtray!” Mike called out. What did he just expect whoever that was to scream out “YOLO”?

No response again, but a second plastic cup, identical to the first, rolled from the kitchen again.

“Let’s get out of here” Mike whispered. As soon as he took a step two pairs of feet went running. HOLY SHIT THEY WERE FOLLOWING US!

“RUNNNNN” Mike shouted

“IT’S PATRICK LOTT!” Tyler screamed

Yea…Patrick was our child-molester ex-vice principal. We kind of take him more like a meme though now. If something odd happens… like something went missing expect someone to scream “P Lott did it!” Now it actually just might be him.

I dashed for the door, half-expecting to see two men chasing after us but whatever was chasing us was going in the opposite direction. We ran back into the balcony and slammed the door behind us. Of course the door breaks and falls to the ground.

“Fuck me” Mike cursed

“YOLO” Tyler joked. Tyler could be staring Death in the eye and still bust his balls.

I saw the door, it was closed and locked! But…but…we didn’t close it! I doubt any of us would even have the IQ to lock it.

“O my god” Mike cursed. Just then I went blind. The whole room was darkness, I couldn’t see past my hands (O wait never mind not blind :D). Mike flipped his phone open and gave us a limited source of light. Tyler had his phone on too, calling-

"Julianne? Are you there? We are at the Agincourt Manor and something is really wrong HELP ME" Tyler screamed into his phone. Tyler could call:

A.Police Department

B.Fire Department

C.911

D.His parents

E.Any of his neighbors

F.The army

G.Ghost Busters

H.Chuck Norris

I.Neighborhood gun nut (Mr. Larrington)

         But of course he chooses to call his girlfriend. Tyler, why you so stupid!?

         “Hey Dad?” Mike said, calling someone useful “We are at Agincourt Manor and something is wrong can you-“ Mike went blanched white, his mouth wide open.

          “V-V-Vespi” Mike said “Don’t look behind you….”

           Great now I have to look behind me- HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

           There were something right behind me, I could feel it’s body mass. I wasn’t stupid, I turned around and sent a straight cross right into the attacker’s face, only to hit what felt like ribs. I wasn’t a midget, whoever this was had to be really tall!

          The lights went back on, everything was normal and the attacker was gone.

          “O my god” I said, my hands were shaking, my heart was raceing, and my brain felt like it was shutting down.

           “The phone lines are down” Mike said “Got no connection”

           Right then the phone died, turning off. Tyler’s did the same, then the darkness came back.

           “CONOR BEHIND YOU” Mike shouted, before I could respond I heard a quick muffled scream from Conor. Fuck bravery, I’m not stupid. Mike and I went running back into the kitchen, Dan, Tyler and Nico in hot pursuit. We were now running through the pitch black hallway, falling and stumbling and running into things all the way.

          We finally made it up a stairs. The light was back up the stairs but the hallway below was an unnatural pitch black. There were only 4 of us now.

         “Where’s Tyler?” I asked, looking around furiously. P LOTT HAD TYLER!

            “Over here” Mike shouted. I looked inside to see a cracked open safe and a bed. Nico ran into the closet while Mike pulled something from the safe. It was a Colt .45

          “Mike you’re going to shoot your eye out” I said

       “I got a better shot then you do” Mike said. I wasn’t sure if he was joking or being serious.

Nico reappeared from the closet, he was holding a old fashion black comb up to his face and he had an old British two cornered hat.

“I AM LE NAPOLEON BIOTCH!” He said, strutting around “BOW BEFORE ME THE MIDGET EMPORER!”

I had to chuckle at this, Nico used to live in France but spoke fluent German. That or he lived in Germany and spoke fluent French… doesn’t matter at the moment.

The lights went off again. I felt an impending doom; my heart beat was In my ears. I heard two shots go off then the lights went back. Dan and I were the only ones left, Mike was gone the gun on the floor and Nico (Along with his hat) were missing.

“Dan this might be the end” I said solemnly

“Vespi, never side with Mike EVER AGAIN” Dan said. The lights went off again for a split second. I was alone.

“Hashtray?” I said, the lights were off again. I was alone, scared, and starring death in the face.

“YOLO” I said, giving off a quick laugh. I could feel another presence in the room with me, stalking me, hunting me. This was the end; I was going to die right here and right now.

“How’d you do the thing with the lights?” I asked, there was no response; then the tears came, I felt a huge lump in my throat.

Something like a Taser hit me, I felt stunned and dropped to the floor. Immortally staring at my hand, it fidgeted a few moments before stopping. My head fell back and the world went black.

I was dead

Or was i?

….

        Nothing happened, guess this wasn’t a dream

So yea…still dead

Beibers in a Ghost Town

I felt like I was in the opening scene of Modern Warfare 3. I was carrying Conor and rushing into a small house, behind me I could hear Trixie driving off. The night was pitch black, everything seemed hostile. I could hear my heart beating in my ears, and I felt warm liquid draining onto my hooves, which was probably blood. Mike slammed the door open and we rushed Conor inside. Conor at this point was just mumbling nonsense about the beavers; I couldn’t even believe he had so much blood in his body…

“DOCTOR, WHERE IS THE FUCKING DOCTOR!” Mike hollered down the vacant lobby, I heard a gallop from one of the rooms on the narrow hallway, I saw a little grey unicorn wearing a face mask and a smock dashed in blood. If this had been a different scenario I’d consider this doctor more of a butcher then a physician, but at this point anyone would be useful.

“Here is the fucking doctor!” He said in an almost ecstatic voice tinged with a German accent. O great, he is just like the guy from Nazi zombies!

“Doctor our friend was attacked by-“ Mike began

“Beibers, we know they have gotten lots of ponies here” The doctor said “Bring him over here, hurry!”

We followed the doctor into a small room, in a corner an idle nurse was smoking a cigarette and looking out a window into the pitch dark night. Mike and I dropped Conor on the table and the doctor waved the nurse over. The table was covered in dry blood.

“Sorry, the last pony bled out…” He said I cringed; this wasn’t exactly the type of doctor you’d want I could tell.

The doctor went into a nearby drawer and opened it with magic, out came a pointy syringe. The syringe then went straight into Conor’s chest; Conor recoiled a little and bounced up before dropping down and shutting his eyes.

“You colts go, he will live…hopefully, go see if there are any survivors outside of here! Take this!”

“What are these things?” I asked, my mind felt like it was shutting down. Nothing seemed real anymore.

“Beibers” The doctor said

“Don’t you mean….beavers?” Mike asked

The doctor turned around and stared at Mike with a normal “I hate your guts” look. He walked into a corner; from my line of sight I saw only a cage. Then the doctor pulled out a beaver. Its fur was bloodied and torn, its teeth and claws were removed as well. But the thing that caught my eye was its hair, it was chocolate flow and longer than the other fur. It was almost naturally combed to the side, flow…flow on a beaver.

“LOOK AT IT! IT IS A MONSTER!” The doctor bellowed, shaking the beaver before spiking him like a football back into his cage. “I have been trying to study them and their kind but have found very little useful information I’m afraid.”

The doctor walked over to a counter he turned around holding a short but wickedly sharp combat knife, it looked like it could cut through beavers like a chainsaw cuts through hot butter.

“I need you to search the town for survivors and any supplies you can find, bring them back to me. We will work on your friend while we still can.”

“Got you, Vespi let’s get this done!” Mike said. I looked at Mike funny, why did he want me to do this? I then realized why, Dan was shaking in the corner, blood matting his face, Nico was absent, and Tyler was already out of the room, probably to find a friend or the next best thing…some booze.

I and Mike went back out into the darkness, it was becoming light outside. I could now vaguely see several other huts nearby, along with several more undesirable things, corpses. 10 or 20 of them all lazily tossed around the ground, most gushing blood from various wounds. This entire dream was becoming more like a nightmare…with ponies.

“Jesus, do you think it was the beavers, I mean Beibers?” Mike asked

“Bastards…” I murmured to myself “Let’s see if anyone else had survived.”

We began our search and learned about New Marington quickly. It was about 15 small houses clinging together in a small valley, there was a small stagnant lake near. I began to feel a sense of doom inside of me, if this small town could get overrun by those things, what would happen to Marington? They didn’t have any defenses! All that was there were Brandy and her negligent father who isn’t aware enough to notice that his very own daughter is missing in a tornado getting banged by a stranger! I prayed that the Beibers wouldn’t go that far, and just terrorize this desolate ghost town.

The town seemed similar to Human towns; lots of small houses and a small district of 3 or 4 shops. Nothing was really useful in the shops, as what once was inside the shops was either looted or destroyed. Most of the houses had been picked clean as well, who else had survived? Were they still in town, or had they escaped?

We searched every little house and found nothing but corpses and loot. We assumed that these dead ponies wouldn’t need this stuff anymore, so we what little food or weapons that we found that were necessary.

Mike and I were finished looting an amazing looking chainsaw when we heard a scream from outside. I and Mike ran outside to see a olive-green pegasus making a stand against a lone Bieber. The mare in one hand had a machete and a light green shirt with a matching hat.

The beaver made a lunge for the mare but she was ready. The beaver jumped onto her but the shiv jumped out faster and impaled the furry demon. I heard a faint squeak before the mysterious mare let the rodent slide off of the knife.

“Not half bad” I said in an admiring voice. The mare turned around and gave us a smile.

“Thank god I’m not the only one here, names Daring Do” She said, extending a hoof

“I’m Vespi and this is Vinyl Mix” I said

“Nice to meet you two, so what the hay is going on?” Daring Do asked, grimacing at the dead beaver corpse.

“We don’t know, the doctor dude told us to find any survivors and go back there…” Mike said

“No one else is left, that is what I know” Daring Do said “I already checked the houses…I see you took the chainsaw, I took some decent stuff too, not amazing but decent” Daring Do revealed some food, several bottles of alcohol and a lengthy iron harpoon, probably used by the fisherman.

“Nice booze” I remarked, boy was Tyler going to be happy.

“Gives me 20% more swag” Mike said with a grin

Daring Do nodded and began to head towards the doctor’s house, we followed, a massive mist was enveloping the ex-town. The doctor was disappointed that there were no other survivors, but after all 3 of our accounts he finally accepted our story.

I feared the worst.

We found the door open and walked inside; Tyler was standing out there with a red earth pony, and a blue Pegasus. The 3 were happily chatting. In the other room Nico was speaking in German with presumably the doctor, I was stunned when he responded back in what sounded like German. How did ponies know German?

“Hey Nico” I said “Who’s this”

“Names Fire Lance” He said “Just got out of the guard to make a new life here in this here town…turns out things aren’t going to work out…”

The blue pegasus began to speak up

“I’m Blue Breeze, I came here to study weather…turns out the wild life is very…strange”

“You can say that again!” Daring Do said “I had to kill a hundred of those things to get here! And that blue unicorn wouldn’t even let me get a ride.”

“She gave us a ride” I stated

The doctor walked into the dimly lighted lobby, his smock was now even soaked more with blood.

“How is he doing doc?” I asked

“He will live, but he is in a stucko pliotropilicouslsticalomitacalonic stufficom, or a coma. I can transport him to Stalliongrad right now and you can get some real help, but I need to master the spell first and tend to him a little bit more. Please stay here for a good 2 hours and I can get you and your friends out of here…”

I nodded, as long as we weren’t attacked by those Africanized Beavers we could last. Apparently the doctor had his own stash of food for us all, plus what we found was more than enough to feed us for 24 hours. My main fear was being attacked by those things, I didn’t know if Daring and Blue Breeze and Lance were competent fighters. I and my friends were rowdy bros at times but it would be a miracle to finish off hundreds of those things.

The other problem was the doctor’s house was in the middle of town. Beavers could attack from all sides and obliterate us. We’d need a far superior and better equipped garrison if we wanted to win this fight. I knew exactly who to call.

“I need a moment alone” I said, I walked into the hallway and found the stairs at the end of it. I walked up and saw Tyler looking out into the mist, watching the once great town.

“Hey Dan, how are you doing?” I asked, I knew that Dan and Conor were good friends and I could tell from Dan’s shaking from before he was shattered to see his best friend suffering.

“Hey Vespi…” Dan said sadly, his voice was devoid of all emotion.

“Dan I know how we can get out of this” I said “HEY AYAN FAGGOT GET OVER HERE!”

I heard that voice pop out, I turned around to see Harrison right next to me, juggernaut suit and all.

“So you need my help my son?” Ayan said

“Harrison we are the same age, we need some suits and some guns” I ordered

“Where are you anyways?” Ayan asked, trying to have a intelligent conversation with Harrison is like trying to build a house out of sand.

“Well how did you find me!?” I questioned

“…….what” Ayan said extending the word to sound like an entire sentence.

“OKAY THEN, long story, we are outgunned, outnumbered, and out beavered and we need assistance, can you help us?”

“What is in it for me?” Harrison asked

“If you don’t die…you can travel with us to Ponyville” I bargained

“Perhaps” Ayan said

I waited a moment

…

…

…

“You either help us or you get the fuck out” I insisted

“Fine, I will find 5 juggernaut suits for ye” Harrison said

“VESPI GET DOWN HERE AN ARMY OF BEIBERS ARE COMING!” Tyler shouted, I looked over the edge outside the front entrance to view into the distance. From afar I could see a legion of Beibers converging on our position.

“Eat hardy men” Harrison said “Because…

“TONIGHT”

“WE”

“DINE

“IN”

“HELL!”

Seduction, Assassination, and Sangwiches

Life on the train after inkie’s rescue was pretty uneventful, of course Roxy and Clyde were grateful, and even Sherlock Hooves gave us a respectful glance, but nothing new happened. It was already morning, we had been up all night on this train.

“When are we going to get to las Pegas?” I asked

“Pretty soon” Sugar Blossoms said

I sighed, I wanted to get some sleep in-between now and then. But first, I had to have a sangwich (Translation: Brooklyn to English: Sandwich). I quickly head to the café cart in-between Carts 1 and 2 in its own little cart and got something to eat, nothing fancy; just a sangwich; Nonetheless a good sangwich. Pretty soon Dan and Tyler came by.

“O hey there you are Vespi” Dan said “Mike and Sugar Blossom are really kicking it off in there”

“Cool” I said, taking another sleepy bite of my sangwich “Sangwich?”

“A sandwich you mean?” Dan asked

“Yea a sangwich”

“No you mean a sandwich”

“Nah, sangwich”

“Sandwich”

“sangwich” I said

“Fine whatever get me a sangwich” Dan said. Pretty soon the 3 of us were drinking some soda while me and Dan ate our sandwiches. Tyler silently ate some potato chips. Pretty soon Nico dropped by aswell.

“Yea those two are probably going to make babies, I’ll just stay here” He said with that customary smile

“Go join them” I joked

“You guys are always going to remember that aren’t you?” Nico said

“We clearly are” Dan said

“Dude, that was pretty hot” Tyler joked

“Shut up” Nico said “Can I have something to drink?”

I got up from my sea at our booth and grabbed a Ponspi for Nico. Just as I bended over to get the soda a loud feminine voice from the intercom called out into the carts “Our next stop is Las Pegas, expected arrival is in 1 hour, enjoy.”

I headed back, sitting down, something just hit me like a brick, that book!

“Hang on guys I’ll be right back” I said, I rushed into Cart 1, passing Sugar Blossom and Mike intimately talking. Sugar Blossom barely looked my way when I came rushing out with the book.

“Here guys read this” I said, slamming the book on the table. A clock rang 1 o clock, on the dot.

“I hate books” Tyler said plainly

“Tyler can u even read?” I asked

“Fine let me try” Tyler said, I slid the book to his side. He quickly flipped it around

“White Cloaks and Red Cloaks? Tyler asked “What’s that?”

“Just read it” I said

“Fine” Tyler said. He opened the book to page 1, Nico and Dan looked over either of his shoulders to see what was on the pages.

“Wait go back what did that say? Dan asked

“It was just the title” Tyler said

“Wait who’s the author” Nico asked

“It didn’t say”

“Okay wait let me see” Dan said, grabbing the book

“No its my book I read it!” Tyler said, resisting Dan’s attempt to grab the book. God this was going to take forever.

“Here ill read it” I said, I grabbed the book from under Tyler’s hooves and opened it to the first actual page.

“Yaaaaaaay Story Time :D!” Dan said in a fake childish voice

I cleared my voice and began

“During the times of the three times there was massive amounts of xenophobia in every village and town. Many people didn’t trust their neighbors, their coworkers or even their own family. Many feared that the same ponies they lived with were actually spies from the other two spies. Aware of this, many ponies set up small groups of trusted individuals who usually met in secret.”

“Early on in this quarrel in-between the tribes, a small group of ponies in a small unicorn town formed a small guild, a guild where all members were bound to secrecy and all of said ponies were to trust one another. After choosing a name they declared themselves the ‘White Clocks”

“Sadly, early on one of the top members cloak was accidentally washed with the colors, giving him a pink cloak; which using magic powers; he turned into a crimson cloak. In order to not be that “One guy” he started his own guild, the “Red Cloaks”

“After a battle of supremacy, neither guild could get the edge over the other. By the time the first scouts explode Equestria, both guilds were gathering members from all races, Unicorn, Earth, and pegasus all banded together. For the first time in Equestrian history, race didn’t matter; all that mattered was the color of your clothes. “

It is common belief that both guilds both believed of a different race had walked in the lands of Equestria beforehand, they were a technologically advanced race, more advanced than anypony had ever seen. They were-“

“Excuse me” One of the stallions asked, I looked up two stallions were standing right by our booth. Both had mustaches and were wearing proper businessman’s attire.

“Wan we interest you in some shampoo?” The business pony asked opening a briefcase full of shampoo

“Were good thanks” Dan said

“Are you sure? We have strawberry!” The pony said. Wait a second, if you were to get rid of the mustaches…they look like, the two guys who were staring at me and Dan! I studied them for a quick second using the reflection of the table (I dunno), in-between cordial small talk with Dan and Nico they were eyeing the book.

It happened fast and it happened out of nowhere

“If you look closely the strawberrys are imported from Marabia” The one said, showing the shampoo to Tyler

“Nice bro” He said

In a split second a spray hit Tylers face from the shampoo bottle, the second pony grabbed the book and slid it into the briefcase.

“DAH HE JUST MACED ME!” Tyler screamed

Wait what? WE GOT TO GET THAT BOOK BACK!

“Nico after him!” I screamed “Dan let’s get Mike!”

Nico was a smart choice, him being a fucking god at sports made him the perfect pick for chasing down these guys. Dan and I ran through the Cart and into Cart 1.

When we came in all we saw was Sugar Blossom at the threshold of Mikes doorway. Mike was probably inside

“Hang on I’ll be right there!” She said quickly, aloof to us looking behind the door. She quickly scanned the room before flicking her wrist to reveal a blade. Wait….a hidden blade? It had a….crimson blade. Could they?

Sugar Blossom went into Mike’s room, Dan and I looked at each other, we knew what we had to do.

We kicked the door open

“MIKE LOOK OUT SHE HAS A KN-“ O wait, Sugar Blossom must of heard us, she had the knife already trained on Mike’s throat. She used him like a human/pony shield, in case we had any smart moves.

“Move and he dies” She said in a cold voice, what a bitch!

“Relax bro” Dan said, slowly approaching her “We don’t want any trouble, we just want to BAGEL!”

Dan snatched a bagel from Mike’s coffee table and chucked it at Sugar Blossom, hitting her right in the face.

Just then Mike turned around and punched her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her. She quickly took hold of the knife and slashed at Mike, Mike jumped back and swung at her, missing. She responded with a hoof to the face, knocking Mike back.

Sugar Blossom turned around and threw the knife like a throwing knife. Dan jumped over the coffee table and onto the floor by it, the knife was lodged in the wall. Sugar Blossom quickly grabbed the knife and threw t again breaking the glass of the window; she jumped out before we could respond. She got away!

We quickly hoisted Mike up, fortunately he was conscious

“Thanks Dan, that bagel saved my life” He said

“Hurry we got to get those other two guys!” I shouted, Mike blindly followed us into the dining cart. Nico was there.

“They got away with the book!” he said

“Now what?” Mike asked, looking ready for a fight

I looked around, my sangwich was still there.

“I don’t know, im still hungry”

Meanwhile Tyler is still rolling around with mace in his eye.

And Conor is still missing

And Mike was almost seduced and murdered

You know, normal day.

Ain't no Party like a Pinkie Pie Party

"And that is why I am so pissed off at you Mike" Said Dan, Dan would not, could not stop talking about how Michael has thrown Dan to the lions, the lions of course being a horny elderly mayor. If you ask me though I think that Dan was over it, he just felt like he was the victim, wait he was the victim, okay scratch that last paragraph Dan has every right to be mad at Mike. But what would be worse; Dan getting laid; Or international espionage? And I know that I cannot speak Spanish; good.

“Bro I honestly think you liked it” Tyler said putting on his imaginary troll face

“SHUT UP TYLER” Dan shouted. You probably have guessed but Dan has a short fuse. If you play a game of Cod with him and kill him with one of the 30 overpowered guns, expect some screaming into the mic.

"Well at leastly we are going to be home soon" I patted Dan on the back "Thanks for getting raped for all of us"

"Well thanks I guess, now I need to just relax for the night."

We walked down Main Street and opened the door. It was 3 PM already, we spent the day just walking around looking at stores and what not, even though we had no money.

All the lights were out; I groped (not like that) the wall and found the light switch. Normally abandoned houses don't have people in them; well this house had 50 ponies in it, with balloons, party hats, food and music. I thought I could hear Dan’s soul shatter when he saw everything, so much for a relaxing night.

"SURRPRISE!" wailed a little pink pony, o my god, this must be Pinkie Pie. She was pink fluffy pony; with a massive smile that went from 1 side of the room to the other. I understood her cutie mark immediately, she was a party queen.

"Do you like it huh huh huh huh?" Since Conor was the first to enter the room Pinkie Pie grabbed him pointing to everything with insane excitement

“PINKIE!” Conor shouted, how did they know each other?

“CONOR!” Pinkie Pie shouted

“Conor you know her?” I asked; sadly it went unanswered as Pinkie had already grabbed Conor and was showing him every single aspect of the party.

"Here are the balloons!"

"Here is the food!"

"AND here are the cupcakes!"

Conor gave her a look "But, Pinkie I told you I like brownies D:"

"Wha-what?" The pony looked stunned

"Yea, I’d prefer brownies." Everyone grew silent, the pink pony looked decimated.

"Fine, I’ll be right back no one move a muscle! DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE DARK BLUE PEGASUS!"

"What the fuck did I do?" Said Dan, half scared, half annoyed

But before he could reply pinkie Pie ran outside, in 5 minutes she ran in with brownies.

"BROWNIES!" Conor said clapping his hooves

"BROWNIES!" Pinkie Pie said mimicking him, aww cute couple.

For 5 minutes everyone awkwardly fumbled around until a pony ran from the john and turned on a nice techno beat, some of the ponies began dancing on a makeshift dance floor, me? I just waited, maybe Rarity would come. And as though a baby Jesus (As you can probably tell from the cursing and loose moral I’m not very connect to religion) answered my prayers I got a tap on the shoulder, turning around it was none other than Rarity, looking even more beautiful than before.

"Hey Rarity! Thanks for throwing me this party!" I said

"O darling please I didn't lift a finger" Rarity was blushing "I just passed the word to pinkie Pie, she loves to throw parties; it is her favorite thing in Equestria”

I couldn't deny that it seemed as though all the guys were having a nice time.

"You got me there, I'm going to get something to drink, want something?"

"An Applejack Daniels would be nice you better not drink it on the way back" She said with a giggle, pointing a hoof at me

"Me please? You should learn, Michael Angelo Vespa is a gentleman."

"Ahah! So that your name, you didn’t state your name before, your quite the gentlemen indeed."

It was my turn to blush "Ehh what can I say, Michael Angelo Vespa is sometimes stupid, but you can call me Vespi."

"Vespi that’s such a nice nickname.” She was about to say something else but Nico ran in and whispered in my ear that they needed me.

"Sorry work calls I’ll be right back beautiful."

Shit, too fast?

"I hope you do" She said with a wink.

Never mind

I walked outside expecting anything.

What was wrong? Had someone been robbed? Hurt? Killed? I ran outside with Nico hearing obscenities all the way. My entire gang of friends (Except Dan who was nowhere to be seen) were cursing at 4 other ponies all dressed in dark blue suits and all of them pegasus.

"O yea I’m going to kick your ass you faggotish unicorn!" Screamed what seemed to be their leader.

"What’s going on here?" I asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

"WHATS GOING ON HERE?" howled the angry Pegasus "THIS PUNK ATE MY BROWNIE!"

"Dude it was on the big plate you re-tard" Conor said, with the tone of an older kid talking to a younger sibling. "Besides you touch Vespi I’m going to stab the shit out of you"

........what

"Really come at me bro!" said the enraged pegasus waving his hoof fists in the air. I knew right at that moment that this will not end well, so I launched my very own pre-emptive strike.

I walked inside real quick before being noticed and got a beer and walked outside; when it comes to fighting there isn’t such a thing as too dirty.

"Hang on" I said with a hand motion, with a slight of hand I chugged the beer. Even though this is one of my first times drinking alcohol I think I am handling myself fine; it’s been 15 minutes and I’m not piss drunk so I must be doing something right. Anyways, I could have sworn I saw the Blue Pegasus’s mouth drop right open, looking at the bottle I said

"Much better"

With that smile on my face the Pegasus would have had no idea what would have happened next; you guessed what happened next? I smashed the beer bottle right on his head, a stronger pony would of punched me by now, a weaker pony would of fell down, and a luckier pony would of dodged it; But this guy? He just stood there and dropped on 1 knee, 3 against 5 wasn't a real challenge, at first it was a straight on fist fight, we were all breaking even, Except Conor who got smashed; then Conor pulled out his knife (Remember Conor always told the truth) and tried to take a slash at one of his opponents, but wisely his enemy yielded.

"Okay man, come on these mares aren’t worth our time, don't worry Soarin you’re going to be okay!"

The other 3 pegasus’s all then crowded around their friend, Soarin. The guy had some glass in his head but didn’t look that battered.

“What happened?” He said half awake, his voice was a lot different this time, he sounded like one of those stupid Cali beach surfers.

“O GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY VOICE!?” He screamed

“DON’T WORRY, JUST CHILL OUT BRO”

We were walking away as the rest of his friends were comforting their friend; wasn’t our fault.

Now we had adrenaline and party hype. The entire party was a good time; Dan was talking to a rainbow pegasus named "Dashie" as he called her; and Conor was talking to Pinkie Pie about the art of making cupcakes and brownies. There was plenty of party games as well, ranging from pin the tail on the pony, to your average truth or dare stupidity, I’m pretty sure Mike got slapped numerous times through that.

I was about to refill my beer when I caught Rarity at a corner, I was so aloof at the moment I nearly fell on her, but luckily my sloth like reflexes saved me from an extremely awkward situation

"Hey Vespi! I was looking for you, we were going to play spin the bottle, care to join?" She said, perfect timing, I was drunk enough to be extra charming, but not drunk enough to have my breath smell like beer and slur my speech; still handling alcohol just fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"Sure!" I said, I couldn't really explain it at the moment, hell I doubt I’ll be able to explain it in 10 years, but Rarity was probably the most beautiful person or pony I had ever seen. She had a beautiful marshmallow coat and a beautiful purple mane and tail. Her cutie mark were 3 beautiful diamonds in an ornate fashion, she had a beautiful smile and an even more beautiful ass (Im still not drunk relaaxxx). If angels could be on Earth, but be in Equestria, and be a pony Rarity would be one.

I followed her down into the basement, there were maybe 8-10 ponies including us actually participating and maybe 5 spectating or coming and leaving. Of all my friends the only 1 that was actually playing, Dan, always a player; my other friends were just standing around sometimes leaving to refill there beers or find someone who did something hilarious.

Rarity and I sat down next to each other. We sat there for maybe 5-6 turns before Pinkie Pie noticed me; she gave Rarity an obvious wink and announced

"Hey everypony lets make things interesting, screw normal spin he bottle, anyone up for 7 minutes in heaven?" She gave Rarity an obvious wink again; everyone clapped or said yes, lucky timing perhaps?

I see now, all a nice little trick! Then again why should I care? It’s not like she’s a grenade (She’s the exact opposite) or really really really slutty or drunk; I took another sip of alcohol, stillllllllllll notttttttttttttttttttt dunk I mean, well I’m kind of drunk, but not a lot just a little.

Me and Rarity waited several turns, which added up to 35 minutes, every time Pinkie Pie would open the door everyone couldn't help but laugh at the surprised ponies inside, but nothing to extreme happened, we heard laughing and giggling sometimes but nothing really else. Eventually I left for maybe a minute to refill my beer; I was surprised to see an Orange Earth Pony arguing with a bigger Red stallion arguing about who would go get more of the stuff from their farm. AWWWWW SHIT IT WAS THE FARMER! AND THIS WAS HER BEER!

Instead of acting ninja I simply ran backwards and fell into a white wall, damn walls, then quickly headed back down by turn 5.

Turn 6, the bottle slides across the wooden floor, it landed directly on me; my heart skipped a beat

Please be Rarity, please be Rarity, and please be Rarity. I thought, I’ll be frank; I liked her, all I could do was flirt and pray. Again my prayers were answered; maybe my luck wasn’t that bad after all. The bottle began to slow and aimed directly towards, Rarity. There were the normal "Ooos" from the audience but frankly I didn't care, and I could tell Rarity wasn't dismayed either, if anything she was bursting with excitement, doing her best to calm herself; just like me.

We both walked into the small closet and the Pinkie Pie closed the door behind us with a smile that just screamed "Enjoy being in a dark closet for 7 minutes".

The door was closed, and Rarity made the first move.

Before I could even react Rarity opened her mouth and gave me a delicious kiss, at first I was in shock, and accidently hit my head against the wall; giving out a loud thump. I even heard Dan from outside mumble something about borrowing his doughnut. But then realized that my wish had come true; I opened my mouth to receive her tongue, it was the most amazing kiss I had had. Once or twice I felt my body, and it did the same in return, which of course was followed by more giggles from us and mumbling from outside. I had kissed girls before Equestria but this was different, maybe since I was an adult there was just more that could. I think it was minute 3 or 4 when Rarity spoke up.

“Sooooooo?” Rarity said with a grin

"Yea?"

"How is it?” She asked trying her best not to laugh, I couldn’t stop though

"Good." I said “How was it for you?”

“Good” She said, I swear I heard from outside “Yea Vespi!”

O I knew something I would do; I quickly brought my hoof down to Rarity’s-

"Surprise!"

Alright fuck that shit, my hoof went up, im sure everyone saw it but it was better than just- know what forget it. Everyone stood still for a moment, everyone shocked, and my friends looked as though they saw a ghost. Dan, Tyler and Conor just stood there mouths dropped open, when im mean dropped it looked like it was from some comic strip.

Everyone then came to their senses and I heard a ton of "Ooooo" and "Yea buddy" Rarity gave me a wink and went to go

talk to some friends, assuming I’d meet up with her later I went over to my friends. They were all still shocked

"Hey?" I said with a grin, no one changed their facial expression, I slapped Mike on the head and he jumped.

"Sorry, I was just stunned, son" He said putting his hoof on my back

“What?” I asked, my turn was (In my opinion) just like every other turn

"I'm proud of you" He said, how many beers does it take to make a retard fatherly?

“For what?” I asked

“We know what you did man” Tyler said with a smile

"Hot dam Vespi!" Dan said with a handshake, okay I’m clearly missing something.

"Not half bad" Nico said with a nod.

"Nice" Conor said

“What”

“Just nice” Mike said

“I still don’t get it my turn was like everyone else’s”

"Nice" Tyler said, Conor and Tyler still looked semi-stunned

And just like that I was the hero of the night, every time I would hear my 5 friends talk with guests who had just came, or weren't down in the basement when we were playing 7 minutes in Heaven, every new guest got the same story. Then I heard Mike’s version of the story.

"Yea do you know Vespi? That green pegasus over there, we were playing 7 minutes in heaven and when we opened the door there was Rarity kneeling down giving him a blowjob, everyone was like 'Holy shit'! It was hilarious"

I instantly battering rammed into the conversation, if that makes any sense.

“Mike that did not happen at all” I said

“No man, I heard”

“No man, you didn’t”

“No man, I heard”

“No man, you didn’t”

Were all drunken conversations like that?

“Did you?”

“Naw man”

“Yea”

I gave out a long exhale, this was going nowhere

“Fine whatever”

Fortunately I got lucky, remember that blue pegasus dude and his friends? Well apparently it was “big” news for everyone since apparently he was some big name pegasus who was in the “Wonderbolts”, apparently, rumor has it, he got in a fight and somehow he had brain trauma and his voice box is now damaged, well that was…interesting

Every time just like that when Mike would try and start up a rumor

“Hey did you hear that-“

“Yea Soarin is in the hospital now”

Eventually Mike gave up and the rumor died, the only people who heard Mike’s bullshit were the ponies downstairs at the moment, and they were already forgetting that in favor for the new gossip.

At around midnight Rarity came over and started a conversation with me

"Hey Vespi! How many times have you heard that same story now about Soarin?” She asked

"15 times and counting," I said, I was telling the truth "How many times have you heard it?"

"Something like that, 15 maybe 16 times. I was just heading home and just wanted to say goodbye" She said

“Okay, well good bye” I said

“Maybe you’d like to go drink some coffee or something sometime?” She asked with a grin

Sure why not” I returned

When she left with her friends (One of which was that orange pony) while me and my friends just talked like it was an average day, we were all talking about what we had done with the party and Mike tried to convince us one last time about what happened in the closet, eventually he just gave up; Soon after we realized that Dan was missing; even though we didn’t really bother to go find him.

“So I guess we got to clean up now” Mike said with a sigh, trying his best to levitate a broom

“Fuck that I’m going to bed” I said, before Mike could return I ran up the stairs and plopped in my bed recapping what happened during my first day in Ponyville.

Dan got raped

Awesome Party

Met a girl

Almost killed a dude

Drank lots of beer but didn’t get drunk

Good start.

Bucking some Apples

The next day started pretty much like the first one, everyone else cleaned up and I didn’t even bother to care. I ate a bagel and went outside for a walk, I soon realized besides that 1 mysterious bagel that was in the pantry we had 0 food, all we had were cupcakes and brownies from the parties, that and a lot of alcohol.

On the way I couldn’t help but notice Rarity, mimicking her perfectly I went right up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. I was honestly glad to see she was happy to see me, we talked a little and agreed to go on a date, perfect! We agreed on a fancy restaurant in Ponyville called the “Gilded Truffle” tonight and I told her I had stuff to do. Just as we went our separate ways I felt like slamming my head against a wall, I only had 90 bits! Would that even be enough for a good night out? Let’s see, how many fancy restaurants go for 2 people under 90 dollars?

…

Shit

Worst off, we needed basically everything you would need for a house. Food, furniture (All the old furniture was shit), clothing, stuff, appliances (we only have the toaster and of course the oven), and everything from toothpaste to alarm clocks. I knew there was only one way I would manage to get enough money for this date, I needed a job.

Of course I’d be an idiot if I didn’t try and do it the easy way, I walked back into our living room.

“Mike can I have all your money, I kind of have a date tonight C:” I said

“No” Mike instantly said, I knew it. Then again would I give Mike any of my money? Hell no of course not! So job it was.

“Where you going to go now?” Mike asked, diverting his attention from the TV to me.

“Going to go find a job” I said

“Can I come?” Tyler asked

“Sure whatever” I said

“Okay man you have fun with that, hey did you eat that bagel in there?” Mike asked

“Yea, did you do anything to it?”

“No, I just wanted that god damn bagel” Mike said “It was the last edible thing in this house besides” He stopped to shudder for a moment “Brownies”

“You have money, go buy some” Tyler stated

Mike looked like he was in a predicament, spend his money or starve?

“Okay I might just wait” Mike said nervously.

I laughed and headed out the door, Tyler and I tried to make a list of things we could do for work, to be honest; the list was small, very small. What was worst was we needed something that was more than minimum wage and we could start right now.  We didn’t really find a lot of help wanted signs, and the few that we did find were…undesirable. I’m not sure how a high class girl like Rarity would react when she realizes she is dating a dude who works at KFC, it was disappointing.

“Is there anything left?” Tyler asked

“No clue” I said, there was 1 place I felt there could be a job waiting for us, there was only one problem. We did not exactly have the best relationship with this person “Want to go back to the farm?” I asked

Tyler looked at me funny “Applejack’s farm?”

I nodded

“Fine why not, the only bad thing that could happen is we get hit on the head with a shovel.” Tyler said. It didn’t take very long to find where the Apple family lived, we asked for directions from some people and they said the apple family lived on a farm right outside of town. Praying for the best, Tyler and I sallied out to see what would happen.

When we approached Sweet Apple Acres it looked exactly how I expected. In the front was a red and white rustic barn, on either side of the dirt trail were myriad amounts of apple trees, in the far corner of my line of sight there was a small house where the family lived. It didn’t take long for us to find Applejack; she looked exactly like the night we accidentally stumbled into her barn. She had a long yellow mane and the same brown cowboy hat on, she was next to a tree picking apples. Wait…then I realized she was kicking the tree. Why would AJ be kicking trees D:? What did the tree ever do to her?

“Errr hi there” Tyler said, the orange Earth Pony turned around

“Howdy I’m Applejack” She said “How can I help you?”

I blinked my eye in confusion, did that bucket to the head mess up her brain?

“Howdy, yea we were the guys who were in your barn that one time like 2 days ago” Tyler mumbled

It was her turn to be surprised “What now?”

Tyler and I exchanged a quick glance, time to forget that.

“Nothing, we were just interested in work and were curious if you needed any help” Tyler said

Applejack scratched her head through her cowboy hat (Weird just saying) “Well I’m not sure, I’d be nice to have some extra workers and all, but I- eh what the hay, I guess you can work for a lil bit helping me buck the red delicious trees”

All I heard was “rabble rabble rabble work rabble rabble rabble”

“So we are hired?” Tyler asked with excitement

“Sure, just help me buck the trees for the day“ Applejack said

When she said buck I almost heard “fuck”. I soon learned what bucking was, bucking was…well when you kick the tree until the apples fall off. It seemed simple enough; Tyler got it in his first couple tries, even though he hit Applejack in the face twice. Pretty soon those two bucked the tree trunks while I flied up above and got the few stubborn apples that managed to hang on.

The work was nothing short of tiring, we worked a full 8 hour shift. Considering we started at 10 we were done by 6, fortunately since we worked on an apple farm she gave us (you guessed it) carrots for lunch. I have no clue where she got the carrots but they were still some pretty good damn carrots.

After earning his carrots Tyler worked even harder, we bucked plenty of trees in this 1 day. That’s why I felt grateful when I earned my bits. 100 bits! 190$ for the date! God dammit would that even be enough?

“Hey Tyler want to flip a coin? If I win I get all your money, if I lose I get all your money” I said

“Deal” I pulled out a bit and flipped it, he called it heads. It was tails. Cool now I had 290 bits for the night!

“Y’all coming tomorrow too?’ Applejack asked

“Yup” We responded

I looked down at my sack of money, I was now 200 its richer.