Trapped With Ponies

by Andy Soshal

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Comedy, Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Discord, Gore
Length: 4690

He was brought in against his will, and now he wants O-U-T, OUT!! But the fates had a different plan for him. Be that as it may, he didn't have to like it. And trust me, he didn't. It does bear the question, though...what exactly are their

John Allen Hammer (Don't call him Jack, please...) had a cruddy life.
And then he was brought to Equestria.
That doesn't mean that it is any less cruddy, though...
Now it's just pastel shades of cruddy.
Cruddy with ponies-ponies-ponies everywhere.
This is going to be just fan-freakin'-tastic.

Published 2014-09-10 15:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-13 21:46:21 UTC

A New Spell

            Princess Twilight Sparkle perused the levitating checklist before her, squinting her eyes against the purple glow as her quill floated past each bullet point.

                    "Okay, let's see…Checklist? Check…Quill? Check…" She trotted around the large clearing in the field, looking out at each item as she put a mark next to its name on the parchment.

            "Table, check, beakers, check, extra parchment, quills, and ink, check-check-check…" Twilight stopped. "Very large steel cage with chains…check."

            Content with her itinerary, Twilight Sparkle blew out a breath, puffing a stray lock of hair from her eyes. She plopped down on her rump, taking a count of the time, and eyed the large circle outlined in salt on the ground.

            "Spike?"

            The diminutive dragon immediately stepped up, a long roll of blank parchment and quill in hand. "Ready, Twilight!"

            "Good. A-hem…T. Sparkle's Experimental Spell Log, number four-three-two dash bee, continued. After covering every last detail I could find in Starswirl the Bearded's notes concerning this particular incantation and being unable to find anything to prevent it from being used, as in the case of his peculiar 'Big Red Button' spell (please make a note to destroy that one later, Spike), I have decided to utilize one of Sweet Apple Acre's unsown plots of land for the purpose of its activation.

            "This spell…is a strange one, to say the least. It appears to be a summoning, as the circle of salt would suggest. However, the notes Starswirl made on this spell don’t make any mention as to what it brings here. As such, I have decided to enact certain precautions.

            "I have mentioned the location, which, while being out-of-the-way enough to avoid bringing harm to anypony should the summoned creature prove dangerous, or the magic prove to be unstable, is close enough to civilization that help may be brought within short order. I have also memorized a tranquilizer spell and am prepared to quick-fire it at a moment's notice. Also at hand are several restraints, and my first and best assistant, Spike the Dragon, is present with his own secondary measures."

            Spike jotted down the last few letters and smiled at Twilight, pointing at a large baseball bat lying nearby.

            The Princess of Friendship winked back at him. "The time is now…12:57 in the afternoon, Equestrian Standard Time. I will do a final inspection of the summoning circle, and the incantation will take place."

            Spike inscribed and added a period, looking up to the Alicorn now trotting a slow pace around the salt circle. "Uh…Twilight?"

            Twilight Sparkle leaned down, hoof nudging a few granules of salt back into place. "Yes, Spike?"

            "Uh…are you sure this is a good idea?" The small drake absentmindedly rubbed a loose scale on his belly.

            "What do you mean, Spike?"

            More absent scratching. "Well…I guess…if Starswirl didn't want to use it, why are we?"

            Twilight studied the circle more closely. "Just because Starswirl didn’t activate it doesn't mean that it's inherently dangerous. Remember Celestia's Puppy Rule, Spike."

            He sighed. "Every puppy is harmless until it bites you, yeah, yeah. But a spell isn’t a puppy, Twilight; maybe he had a reason not

to cast it!"

            The Princess of Friendship glanced at him. "Maybe he did. Maybe he was afraid of it. Maybe he wasn't sure what its effect would be." She shifted her head in a "so-so" fashion. "Maybe he just ran out of time to experiment with it. He was pretty old when he wrote the spell…"

            The dragonling sighed and finally pulled the itchy scale from his body; it was almost time for his annual molt, and the newer scales were pushing the old ones out. He knew better than to try and argue or reason with Twilight when she got like this—only Princess Celestia could talk her down, and even she had a difficult time of it.

            Twilight Sparkle finished her circuit and plunked down on her hindquarters, wings fluttering a bit in satisfaction. Somepony had once written that only a true artist could draw a circle and, while she had used magic to lay the salt down, she always had this sense of satisfaction from laying the perfect circle.

            She realized that Spike had more than a point about this particular spell—the only reason that the aforementioned "Big Red Button" spell had gone unperformed was because she had sent off a quick letter to Celestia (how odd it was to not say "Princess" Celestia, since she was now considered something of an equal...) due to the slightly-foreboding name, and Celestia had immediately rattled off an urgent return request to leave it well enough alone.

            This spell, though, had merely been marked "Summon Creature", no notes on danger level, or on what it summoned, or whether or not it even functioned correctly.

            It was untried, untested, a blank slate of knowledge.

            And Twilight Sparkle utterly hated…loathed not knowing something.

            She shot a look at the sun, simultaneously checking her internal clock. Many, many years ago, Celestia had taught her how to

synchronize her inner sense of time with the positions of the heavens, both the sun and the stars, and it had yet to fail her.

            1:00 PM.

'Okay,' she thought. 'Time to rock.'

            "Spike, are you ready?"

            Spike, ugly little face set in a somewhat worried expression, gave a thumbs up, edging closer to his baseball bat.

            Twilight nodded, as much to herself as her assistant, and levitated the tatty old journal over to rest in front of her. She cleared her throat, and began the chant, allowing her natural connection to Magic itself to flow through her.

"Through the mists of space and time,

Pierce the veil betwixt the realms;

Flow of tides, meter and rhyme,

Let my summons take their helm."

            The wind began to pick up, and the sun seemed to dim slightly, though there were no clouds in the sky. Spike swallowed hard, setting his writing utensils aside and bending at the knee to pick up Ol' Slugger. Twilight ignored him, eyes screwed shut in concentration as she poured more magic into the spell.

"Bring to me that which I call,

Creature of flesh and bone and soul;

Submit yourself to my thrall,

To my words, to my control!"

            Twilight Sparkle stood, opening eyes that glowed with white fire. Lips curling into a snarl of effort and mane flying in the wind, she threw her head back and roared into the sky.

"COME!!!"

            Spike dropped to the ground as a peal of thunder split the air, responding to the undercurrent of command in his friend's voice. The ground seemed to shudder, and a bright flash light the field, dazzling his sensitive eyes.

            He couldn’t see for a few moments, and he brought his fists to rub frantically at his stinging eyelids.

            When he opened them up seconds later, it was to see Twilight Sparkle standing at the edge of the circle, looking bewilderedly at the large scorch mark inside of it.

            "Uh…what did it…?"

        Twilight shook her head. "I…don't know…" She plunked down on her hunkers again, a hoof absently scratching at her chin. "Huh…" The old notebook was scrutinized. "Large open area…circle of pure salt…fifteen feet in diameter, three inches wide…" A brow was cocked. "I don’t get it…I did everything it said to do…"

            Spike, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief, walked over and patted her on the flank. "Don't worry, Twi'. Maybe that was why it didn’t have any notes—it was just a dud spell."

            Violet eyes scanned the notebook again and again. "No, it couldn’t be…Starswirl wouldn’t have left it in here without a note saying it was a failed spell…"

            Spike shrugged. "That's true…"

            The lavender alicorn slumped. "I was sure I did everything right…" she said forlornly. "I didn’t overload the spell with magic, my rhyming meter was perfect…" She perked up. "Unless…"

"What the…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            Her assistant swallowed hard. "Unless what?" His ear-fin twitched, and he glanced about, distracted for a moment.

            "Unless I did do it right, and whatever it summoned was microscopic!!!" Twilight excitedly trotted into the circle, nose to the

ground and carefully scanning the dirt. "Spike! Run home and get my microscope and eyepieces! If I remove the base from the main body, I should be able to use it like a mini-telescope!"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            Spike nodded, once more glancing around. "Yeah, sure thing…" He stopped. "Uh…Twilight?"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            She did not look up from her study of the ground, having reached the far side and stepping carefully lest she trod on any infinitesimal organisms. "Yuh-huh?"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            He turned slowly, ear-fins twitching this way and that. "Do you, uh…do you hear something?"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            Twilight Sparkle opened her mouth to dismiss his question…and paused herself. She looked over to him, her own ears turning this way and that. 'You know…now that you’ve mentioned it…"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            Spike gulped, renewing his grip on Ol' Slugger. "W-what is it?"

                    "—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            The Princess squinted warily, horn lighting up in preparation for any hostilities. "…I don't

 know…but it sounds like it's getting louder…"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

            And indeed it was, louder by the second. Both alicorn and dragon looked left, then right, then behind. Not seeing anything, they both decided to look up…

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—!!!!!"

            Just in time to recoil in horror at the thing that fell screaming from the sky and slammed face-first into the dust…where it lay, silent and still.

            Twilight Sparkle slowly crept forward, her face a mask of shock. She cocked her head to the left…and then to the right…and then left again as she struggled to take…whatever it was in.

            "What…what the hay is it?" she asked, not truly expecting an answer.

            Spike had also stalked toward the thing, bat at the ready, also looking at it dumbfoundedly. "I…I don’t know…"

            Carefully, he extended the end of his bat and poked it in the side.

            It groaned! "Wh—"

CLUNK!!!

            "SPIKE!!" Twilight fixed him with her best glare as it fell back into unconscious stupor.

            The drakeling shot her a nasty look. "What?"

Wait, what?

Royal Consort Shining Armor and Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire were just settling down to their mid-afternoon walk around the Royal Gardens when suddenly…

"Oof!"

Cadance stopped and bent down, a worried expression on her face. "Are you alright, dear?"

Shining Armor picked himself up. "Oh, I'm alright, Cady…just tripped."

And so, they continued on their way.

=Z7=

Twilight Sparkle could barely contain her excitement, circling around and around the cage with an expression that would best be classified as "ecstatic". Her wings quivered and ruffled as she trotted, humming a happy tune.

        "Oh, Spike, this is so exciting!" She leaned in close to the bars, eyes nervously scanning the features of the senseless summoned creature lying on its back. "I can't believe this! A brand new familiar! Oh, those stuffed shirts back at the academy are going to eat their quills when they get word of this!" The Princess turned to beam at her friend. "Don't you think it's exciting, Spike?"

        Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. Exciting." He closed the book he had been perusing and reached for another. The stack he chose from had been as tall as he was when he had started, some three hours before, and now reached only to about his waist. Each tome was a field guide or biology text of some form or other; Twilight had set him upon ascertaining the thing's species almost immediately after teleporting their whole ensemble back home to Golden Oaks Library, specifically the basement laboratory.

        "Oh, come on, Spike!" Twilight exclaimed, her horn glowing as she gently used her telekinesis to push the subject's head to the side, affording her a look at it in profile; she pried one of the eyelids up and looked at the brown iris staring unseeingly at her. "Where's your sense of discovery?" Lips pursed, she let go of the head and brought one of its forelegs up to the bars.

        "Hmmm…it seems to follow bilateral symmetry, two eyes, two ears, four limbs, corresponding on each side, matching paws…five digits…one of them appears to be an opposable thumb…perhaps a member of the Minotaur family?"

        Spike shook his head, not looking up from his book. "Checked that already. Nothing like it in the known Minotaur species."

        Twilight shook her head impatiently. "No, of course not; nothing bovine about it in any way." She grunted, eyes slitted in thought. "But the opposable thumbs…don't some species of ape have opposable thumbs?"

        "Yeah, but so do a lot of other creatures out there…the Leo tribes of Cartaginia, the Minotaurs and almost all of their relatives, us Dragons and the Kirin…"

        "True…" A violet eye scrutinized the unconscious form. "But…if I had to make a judgment, I would say some form of hairless ape…or mostly hairless, at least, one that appears to favor clothes as a fur or hair substitute…"

        Spike sighed, but closed his current book and reached for another one on simians. "I'll take a look…but there aren't too many species of them around…last time I checked, they had documented each one…"

        "Well, obviously not!" That excited tinge was back in her tone, even as Twilight laid the foreleg back down. "Just think, Spike! A new discovery! Oh," and she put a hoof to her lips as she sat down. "We'll have to think of a name for it! Let me see…"

        "Don't you think you're counting your chickens before they hatch, Twilight?"

        She waved him off. "Nonsense! Now, let's see…Crepusculum Arcessus? Oooh, I like the sound of that…"

        Spike smiled despite himself. Normally, Twilight was much more cautious about jumping too far ahead. However, every so often, she would discover something that may have been entirely new, and she would get over-excited. It wasn't out of any real vanity on her part, as far as the names she chose (which always included her name in some way, the word Crepusculum meaning Twilight), but out of a sense of wanting the respect of her peers in the scientific community.

        If you don’t have something named after you, then they would always look down on you, no matter your title or fame.

        He watched her for a few moments; she had laid down on her belly, staring at her subject with the fondness only a born scientist could muster.

        The dragon didn’t pretend to understand it. That thing was u-g-l-y, UGLY.

        Twilight Sparkle sighed, laying her chin on her hooves. She regarded the creature adoringly. "What are you?" she whispered, "and what do you know? What can you teach me…us…the world?"

        It did not answer her, but then again, she did not anticipate one. Unconscious creatures rarely had the habit of lucidly answering questions, after all.

        But that could be fixed, couldn’t it?

        The Alicorn suddenly stood up, her face set in determination. "Spike? Grab a quill."

        The drakeling looked at her worriedly, but held his tongue and did as bidden. He scampered up to her, parchment trailing behind him, and nodded to her in readiness.

        "T. Sparkle's Experimental Spell Log, number four-three-two dash see, continued. It is now four-thirty-three in the afternoon, and the summoned creature is a very, very interesting subject…"

        Spike proceeded to write down her detailed description of the method in which they transported it and the summon's physical characteristics.

        "I have decided," Twilight continued as her horn lit in its familiar glow, "that first contact should be made while the creature is in a quiet, isolated environment, away from stimulus that could result in an unfavorable reaction or excitement. It shall remain in its cage, and I shall keep the aforementioned stun spell in readiness."

        Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath, bracing herself as she leaned in close.

        'Here…we…go…"

        A spark leapt from the tip of her horn and straight into the ape's brow. The pale hide absorbed it, and the entire body seemed to jerk spasmodically.

        She licked her dry lips nervously as the eyelids fluttered.

        Spike looked on as she leaned in close to the bars of the cage.

        "Hello?" Her voice was hoarse with tension, and she cleared her throat as the brown eyes wandered unfocused. "Can…can you hear me?"

        The ape groaned and slowly sat up, a paw going to its head as it winced in pain. It blinked dazedly as it looked around.

        Twilight gave a small a-hem.

        The creature in the cage grunted, and turned to face her…and froze.

        Completely. Froze.

        Its small eyes widened to almost comical proportions as its jaw fell open.

        Twilight Sparkle pasted on a huge, overly-friendly smile. "HEL-LO!" she said loudly, over-enunciating each syllable. "MY-NAME-IS-TWI-LIGHT-SPAR-KLE! WHAT-IS-YOURS?"

        It merely continued to stare at her.

        Twilight took a step closer. "DO-YOU-UN-DER-STAND?" She brought her hooves up to her chest in a gathering motion. "ME-TWI-LIGHT!" A hoof pointed to her subject. "WHO-ARE-YOU?"

        Staring.

        "CAN-YOU-SPEAK?"

        Staring.

        The Princess gave a "hmmph", and looked around.

        Spike followed her gaze as it darted from object to object in the room. "Uh…what're you looking for, TwiWHOA!!"

        Twilight grabbed him about the neck and dragged him to her. She brought him into a bone-crusher of an embrace, cuddling him close to her cheek as she smiled again at the captured summon. "THIS-IS-SPIKE! SPIKE-IS-A-DRAGON! SPIKE-IS-MY-FRIEND!" Spike was nuzzled. "FRIEND!"

        At the sight of the purple dragon, a violent twitch started underneath the left eye.

        "We're making progress!" whispered Twilight to Spike.

        "Are you sure?" He looked at the cage. "It looks more like he's freaking out…"

        The twitch had stopped, and now a strangled…noise was emanating from its throat.

        The Alicorn Princess gasped. "See?! It's trying to communicate!" Spike was unceremoniously dropped, and one of the nearby textbooks was levitated before the bars of the cage.

        "THIS-IS-A-BOOK! BOOKS-ARE-GOOD! CAN-YOU-SAY-BOOK?"

        Finally, the now-bloodshot eyes blinked, and it closed its jaw.

        The book was replaced by an eager lavender face. "DO-YOU-WANT-TO-SPEAK?"

        Its mouth opened slightly, as if to form a word.

        "YES?"

        The lips moved slightly. "Wha…"

        Twilight moved closer. "YES?!"

        "Wha…"

        Her face pressed itself against the cold iron bars as her half-mad eyes stared into the cage. "YES?! YESYESYES?!?!?!"

She flung herself backwards as the creature sprang toward the boundary of the cage, grasping the cold steel in hostile fists. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND THAT…THAT…THING?!"

Twilight Sparkle sat down with a bump, staring at the cage in confusion. "Uh…you can…talk…?"

        "Well, duh, I CAN TALK!!" The creature's face was an ugly mask of fury as it was pressed between the bars of the cage. "What, do you think I'm stupid or something?! Now, lemme out of this box or there's gonna be trouble!!"

        Twilight sat there, mouth hanging open. Spike lay on his back nearby, eyes darting between the Princess and the furious creature.

        "Well? You gonna get me out of here or what?!"

        Twilight Sparkle blinked rapidly.

        "COME ON, YOU STUPID HORSE!!!"

        A sharp gasp escaped Twilight Sparkle, and then her face screwed up in rage as she stood up. "I…am…not…a…HORSE!!!" Her horn sparked and flashed, and a ball of light flew from its tip, striking the enraged thing in the face.

        It collapsed, unconscious once more.

        Spike sat up. "Uh…what just happened?"

        His sister-figure paced back and forth in front of the cage, deep huffing breaths escaping her lungs as she gritted her teeth. "He just called me a…a…urgh!!!"

"I heard…" He stood and walked over to her. "So…uh…do you know what he is?"

        "No."

        "Then…what about where he came from?"

        Twilight wheeled on him, an unstable smile transfixed on her face. "Oh-ho-ho, I know where he came from! I know exactly where he came from!"

        "Uh…okay then…where?"

        "Look at him! Ugly, mean, supposedly one-of-a-kind…It's obvious! Discord made this!"

        Spike held up a claw, about to point out this obviously poorly-thought-out jump in logic…but missed his opportunity when Twilight Sparkle stomped a foot into the cobblestones of the floor, cracking the rock as she roared in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

"DISCORD!!!!"

Pop!

        The Avatar of Chaos appeared some feet in the air…in a ginormous claw-footed porcelain bathtub and shower cap, scrubbing his back with a brush and humming contentedly.

        Twilight merely stared at him angrily.

        The Draconequus looked around himself. "Hmm? I could've sworn…" His eyes alighted upon the shaking Alicorn below him. "Oh…"

        He blinked out of existence again…only to reappear wrapped in a towel, sans cap, tub, and brush. "You know, Twilight Sparkle, it's considered rather rude in most cultures to interrupt a creature's bath time."

        Said pony stomped her hoof once more, more gently this time, and snarled. "I don't—"

        "You see," said Discord, completely ignoring her as he removed his ears, poured water out of them, and then replaced them, "several of us use this time as an opportunity to unwind and relax, much like you and young Rarity getting hooficures at the salon."

        "That isn't impo--"

        The eldritch abomination snapped the claws of his eagle talon, and a zipper appeared over the irate female's mouth, fastening itself shut.

        "Now, how would you feel," he continued as he unwrapped the soaking-wet towel, scrubbing his body dry with it, "if I interrupted your 'me-time'? Hmm? You would never let me hear the end of it!"

VVVVP!! "DISCORD! LISTEN TO ME!"

        The Chaos Creature rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine…" Another snap of his fingers dissipated the towel and zipper. "Now, what is it you want? My bath-water is getting warm…" His gaze wandered to Spike. "Oh, hello there, young dragon. Mistress waxing mercurial again, I see."

        Spike chuckled weakly.

        Twilight Sparkle stalked past Discord and stabbed a hoof toward the cage. "Do you know," she growled, "what the buck that is?!"

        He wagged a digit of his lion paw at her. "Now, now, Twilight Sparkle, no need for that kind of language." The long, serpentine body bent over to look into the prison and scoffed dismissively as he straightened back up. "Of course, I know what that is."

"Well, what is—"

"Now," said he, shushing her, "back to the issue of your mann—"

        Twilight watched in only mild disbelief as Discord froze, still as a statue.

        The Undisputed Master of All Things Entropic allowed his eyes to float from their sockets and hang in midair before the bars. "Where," one of them sprouted a mouth and asked, "did that come from?"

        Twilight smiled in a not-very-smiley way. "I was hoping," she said, voice dripping saccharine, "that you could tell me."

The red irises stared at the creature in the cage, and then looked at each other. Discord's tufted tail wrapped around one of them and tossed it back into his skull. He looked at the pony and the dragon, a deathly serious mask on his face.

        "I have to go."

        Twilight Sparkle dashed forward, a protest on her lips…but with another snap of his talons and Discord was gone, dissipating into thin air.

        Spike looked queasily at the single red-and-yellow eyeball, floating by the cage and staring, unblinkingly, inside. "Uh…where do you think he went?"

        Twilight shook her head. "I don't know…but…" She too looked at the floating optical. "It doesn't bode well…"

=Z7=

        Princess Celestia looked across the table at her sister, Princess Luna, her horn glowing as she levitated the teapot into the air. "More tea, Lulu?"

        It was their special Sister Tea-Time, which they held every other day as a way to re-connect and bond with each other. Celestia had insisted on it, as both a way to make sure that the bond sundered a thousand years before was repairing well, and to help her younger sister adjust to the modern times more effectively.

        The Princess of the Moon nodded, smiling gently as she allowed her teacup to hover below the spout of the teapot. "I must say, sister dearest, this tea is simply divine. Where did you say it came from again?"

        "I believe that it is from the eastern mountains of Hindia. The Deer Gurus were exceptionally grateful for our assistance in negotiating with the Braytish Empire, and sent us some of their best tea leaves."

        Luna made a small sound of appreciation as the pot began to tilt (Celestia was not the only member of the Diarchy to have an infamous love affair with the leaf). "Ah, yes…I remember when the Braytish were a small collection of tribes in theEEK!!!"

        Discord poured the rest of himself out of the spout and then jumped out of the cup. "Ah, there we go. I would say that I'm sorry to drop in unannounced like this, but we all know that would be a lie."

Luna set her jaw. "Then to what," she asked, "do we owe the pleasure of this visit?"

        The Chaos Creature cocked a brow as he picked up one of the fine china saucers and examined it, pointedly ignoring the Lunar Diarch. "Are you aware, Princess Celestia," he said offhandedly, "that your student is experimenting with summoning?"

        The Solar Diarch ignored how he made her title sound just the slightest bit insulting, and nodded. "Oh, yes," she said pleasantly, "she had mentioned something about that in one of her last letters…"

        "Ah." Discord took a large bite out of the saucer, revealing a crème filling, which he scrutinized carefully. "Then you bear partial responsibility."

        Luna and Celestia looked at one another, and then back at Discord. "Responsibility for what, Discord?" Celestia ventured carefully. She was an expert at reading body language, and, while Discord sometimes didn’t know what he was feeling himself, right now, he was exuding nervousness.

        And a nervous Discord was rarely a good thing for anycreature.

        He shrugged. "For whatever happens." Another bite changed the plate's filling to red currant jelly.

BANG!

        Luna slammed a hoof on the tabletop, causing the cutlery to rattle. "Enough of your prattle, creature! Make your words clear!"

        Discord looked at her reproachfully. "Really, Princess, you simply must get a handle on that temper of yours. It's gotten you in trouble before, lest you forget, lest you forget."

        Celestia sent her younger sibling a calming glance, and turned again to the Draconequus. "Discord. Please tell us what has happened that you felt it necessary to visit us?"

        He looked at her blandly, even as he tucked the saucer into his empty eyesocket for later. "You know I wouldn’t come to you to tell you anything unless I felt it was enough of a threat to myself to alert you."

        "Or if you felt that telling us would amuse you."

        Luna smiled nastily at him as the single eye frowned at her.

        "Quite," the Twisted Twister said. "But I can assure you, I do not find this amusing at all."

        Celestia frowned, despite herself and her knowledge that Discord needed more patience than the average creature. "What is it, Discord?"

        Luna merely picked up the teapot with her aura and began pouring herself another cuppa. While Celestia may have near-inexhaustible reserves of patience for such idiocy, she herself had no such thing.

One of the few faults that she would admit to, and with pride no less, was the fact that she was a mare of action, not strategy.

        The serpentine body stood from the empty air it had been reclining upon. An eagle claw and a lion's paw set themselves on the surface of the table, and Discord looked at both Diarchs with the utmost gravity.

        "There is," he said, "a human in Equestria."

Celestia stared at him.

Discord stared back.

Luna dropped the teapot.