The Ultimate OC Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
The bees were buzzing and the hummingbirds were humming one morning in Ponyville, as the sun crested out from over a cloud and covered the land in its bright rays. Ponies laughed and frolicked through the town square, doing yet another musical number about how awesome their life in Ponyville was. It was the most picturesque day that the small burg had ever seen, at least since yesterday.
But not all was well in paradise, because six rather out-of-place ponies stood in front of the town hall, holding picket signs and yelling so loud that the entire town could hear them.
“We deserve rights, too!”
“Canonize us, motherfuckers!”
“Pfft! Pffppptfptpssspf!”
“OP OCs OMG!”
“We’re special and unique in all the land, bitch!”
“Please find the kindness in your heart to treat us the same as everypony else, even given our differences.”
It was a small picket, and a pitiful protest. But just like the Westboro Baptist Church, the group made up for its small size through its rather colorful cast, offensive signs, and loud volume. Each of the ponies in the motley crew looked incredibly out-of-place, having odd coat colors and mane styles that were unlike almost every other pony who inhabited Equestria. Except Sombra.
The pony on the farthest left more resembled a ball of pink lint than a pony. Its tongue stuck out and wobbled to the side, and its mane looked like the pony had stuck its giant tongue into an electrical socket. Nopony could understand a single word that it said.
The second pony from the left was a bit more normal looking, but was incredibly loud and spoke mostly in video game lingo or whining. He was a young colt with a brown coat, auburn mane, and a propeller cap on his head. His every fifth word was “MOM!”
The next pony was a solid white pegasus filly with milky eyes who looked so adowabwe that you wanted to just hug the life out of her. She had on her best duckface as tears streamed from her sightless eyes.
The second pony from the right was a young filly, as dark as blackest night, with both wings and a horn, which normally was an incredible rarity in Ponyville and Equestria (not today, though). She actually wore clothes, which was very odd on a hot summer day when most ponies in Ponyville went around in the nude. A bright neon saddle stood on her back, which obscured her wings from view from everybody but the narrator, since this story is told in third person omniscient.
On the furthest right stood a unicorn mare with a steel grey coat and brown mane, yet another odd color combination in the land of bright pastel ponies. She frequently yelled profanities, making colorful metaphors and curses. Unlike her blind, snow-white colleague, her eyes were jet-black and as wide as saucers, as if she was on some sort of hard stimulants. Which she probably was. She wore a blue coat, even though it was like eighty degrees out. And on her front right forehoof was the iPipBuck watch, Apple’s latest pathetic attempt to stay relevant.
And in the center of the group, in front of all of the others, stood an alicorn stallion with a maroon coat. He had a black and green striped mane, which was spiky and stood on end. His wingspan was an impressive twenty feet wide, and his horn stood erect, thick, and proud, just like the Washington Monument. He was undeniably the coolest looking of the bunch, and spouted action movie cliche catchphrases every five seconds.
“What on earth are you six doing?”
The six ponies momentarily quit their hollering as Princess Twilight Sparkle descended from the heavens, landing in front of the town hall.
“We’re having a protest for the rights of our people,” said the dark black alicorn filly.
“Well, y’all need to tone down yer language,” said Applejack, who had just arrived. “There’s little fillies and colts around here.”
“Fuck you in the ass with a depleted uranium rod, bitch!” said the steely grey unicorn.
“Now, now, there’s no need for a fuss,” said Fluttershy, who had just fluttered in.
“Yes, I know, but please understand my compatriots’ anger,” said the snow white filly. “We have been marginalized and pushed to the side by all of pony society just because we’re different. Surely you can understand that?”
“Pffshfft, pfft, pbtsh,” said the ball of fuzz.
“Ooh, ooh, is this some sort of secret code talking game? I love games!” Pinkie Pie explained, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.
“My, and look at this one’s propeller cap. Those haven’t been in fashion since sweatervests and suspenders,” said Rarity, trotting over to the protest and pointing at the young colt.
“MOM! She insulted my beanie!” he yelled.
“Why don’t you guys just head on home? You’re in the wrong town. Go to Canterlot and protest there,” said Rainbow Dash as she zipped over to the protest.
“Yippie-kae-NO, motherfucker!” said the red and black alicorn. “We’re here to protest until we get our message across! Booyeah!”
“And just who are you?” asked Twilight Sparkle, turning to the red and black alicorn.
“My name is Donut Steel,” he said. “I’m a prince of Equestria, and I graduated first in my class from Ass-Kicking University, and I’m super best friends with Sonic The Hedgehog, Batman, Peter Griffin, Gordon Freeman, and Morgan Freeman! I’m number one in friendship and magic, and I know every single magic spell in the book, more than anypony else! Princess Celestia needs to just step aside and let me take my rightful place as ruler of Equestria, just as the prophecies foretold.”
Twilight Sparkle blinked. Then, she shook her head, laughing. “No, you aren’t. I’m a princess, and I have lots of actual friends, unlike those fake ones that you just made up off the top of your head. Maybe if you weren’t so loud and obnoxious, you’d have real friends! And I know almost every magic spell ever, since I graduated first in my class from Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, which, unlike your alleged alma mater, is a real school that actually exists!”
Donut Steel waved his hoof in the air. “Pshaw. Their hoofball team sucks. And I’ll see you in tartarus!”
He took a step towards Twilight Sparkle menacingly, drawing a giant gun from his back, but she didn’t back down.
“My name is Nyx,” said the dark-maned filly. “I’m the evil essence of Nightmare Moon ponified, and I was created during a magic ritual gone wrong. But I’m as honest as the night is eternal, and I don’t know why everypony can’t just trust me and accept me for who I am.”
“Honest, my left flank!” Applejack exclaimed, spitting on the ground. “Yer made of evil nightmare mumbo jumbo and want acceptance and trust instantly? Well, trust has to be earned to be gotten, and y’all have gotten nothin’ with this protest but on everypony’s last nerve! How ‘bout I kick y’all on up to the moon where you belong!”
Applejack stood firm, stepping towards Nyx, who charged up her horn.
The steely grey unicorn mare spoke. “My name is Littlepip. I’m a former stable pony turned wastelander hedonist horny lesbian drug addict, but nopony seems to get me. I might not know as many different spells as Donut Steel over there, but that’s because I put all my perks into telekinesis. I’m so good at it that I can fly even though I’m a unicorn. But every time I try to save the world, I just run into a bunch of fuckers who want to enslave and kill everypony. Then, I massacre them all brutally and take their shit, to show them that killing and stealing is wrong. Why won’t they just accept their fate willingly and make the wasteland a better place to live by dying?”
Rarity shook her head. “Maybe if you showed a little generosity and grace instead of being a loud-mouthed brute, you would get someplace! A lady doesn’t swear like a sailor and disturb a peaceful town like Ponyville! And she certainly doesn’t have such terrible fashion sense. Blood-stained blue overcoats are for Nightmare Night, darling, and the smartwatch will never catch on. It’s just taking up space where a proper, expensive metal swiss watch that only tells time should go. Leave the apps to your phone.”
“Pipbucks fucking rule. Go suck on a sack of swamp-pony shit!” Littlepip shouted, throwing her hoof into the air.
“Never! And I’ll have you know that you aren’t the only pony who spends all of her perks on telekinesis. I’m rather adept myself,” said Rarity, charging up her horn.
The brown colt spoke. “My name is Button Mash! I’m the number one gamer in all of Ponyville, but everypony keeps saying that they’re better than me. The arcade always takes all my quarters, and the Xbuck One is too expensive! I can never save up enough to get it! MOM! Get me an Xbuck One! But yeah, nopony thinks that I’m awesome, even though I’m the awesomest gamer ever!”
Rainbow Dash zipped over to Button Mash. “Maybe you should put your money where your mouth is, kid! The reason that nopony thinks that you’re the best gamer is because I’m the best gamer, and I have the high scores to prove it! You and me, Super Mareio Cart, right now! Winner takes all!”
“Bring it!” Button Mash exclaimed.
“My name is Snowdrop,” said the snow white filly. “I’ve been blind since birth, and can’t see a thing. But everypony in Cloudsdale always makes fun of me and won’t accept that I’m a unique, special snowflake.”
“Well, I’m very sorry to hear that, Snowdrop,” said Fluttershy, walking over and patting her on the head. “But you are disturbing the peace here in Ponyville with your protest. If your issue is with Cloudsdale, can’t you go protest in Cloudsdale? If that’s alright with you, that is.”
Snowdrop shook her head. “No.”
“But why not?” asked Fluttershy.
“Because I can’t see, and flying while blind is a class two misdemeanor,” said Snowdrop.
“Pfft pshthstfh Flufflepuff. Pffts pffffffftftfshtsfftshhh. Pffffbrbsssssfff,” said the pink ball of lint.
Pinkie Pie frowned. “Never! That frosting is mine! Go get your own!”
The mane six and the six oddball ponies all faced each other down in front of the town hall, anger in their eyes, faces in a scowl. The tension in the air was so thick, that even 4chan would have called for both sides to exercise calm and restraint. Every pony in the town square ran indoors and locked all of their doors and windows, because they knew what was goin’ down. Finally, when it seemed like the staredown would go forever, Fluttershy sneezed because she was allergic to Flufflepuff.
Then Donut Steel shouted, “This ends now! It’s showtime!”
He pulled out his giant steel cannon from behind his back, and held down the trigger as blue and green energy coursed through it, building up. When he released the trigger, a giant, sticky ball of spaghetti flew towards Twilight Sparkle. But her horn lit up as a purple forcefield enveloped her and her friends, protecting them.
Rainbow Dash burst forward towards Button Mash, who already had conveniently set up a giant projection screen inside of the town hall. They each raced to get the P1 controller, since that pony would get to choose the track and the racers. Rainbow Dash flew towards the controller at breakneck speeds, the wind whipping at her mane, as she grabbed it and chose her favorite track ever: rainbow speedway.
“Gimme!” shouted Button Mash. “That’s my lucky controller!”
He reached over with his hoof to grab the controller, but Rainbow Dash dodged out of the way, and the race began. Button Mash was horrified to find that in the scuffle, he had accidentally chosen Bowser.
Pinkie Pie whipped out her party cannon and lit the fuse, plugging her ears with her hooves as she let off a burst of confetti. The static from Flufflepuff’s mane instantly attracted all of the confetti right towards her.
“Yeah! Direct hit!” Pinkie exclaimed. She hopped up and down in celebration, gleefully cheering, but confetti was just paper, and didn’t slow Flufflepuff down in the slightest. The ball of fuzz bounced on over to Sugarcube Corner, confetti trailing from her and falling to the ground off of her fur like mind-controlling chemtrails from the engines of an airplane.
“Hey! Get back here!” Pinkie Pie yelled, and she rushed over, but soon found herself suspended in a green field of energy, as Littlepip grabbed Pinkie in her telekinesis.
“Stop right there, fucker!” yelled Littlepip, retrieving her trusty revolver and pointing it squarely at the immobilized Pinkie.
But Rarity jumped in the air, flipped around, and kicked Littlepip square in the jaw, making her drop Pinkie. She fell to the ground as Rarity’s horn lit up and Littlepip found herself suspended in the air by Rarity.
Just as Rarity was about to give Littlepip a well-deserved lecture on how to be more ladylike and fashionable, Snowdrop walked right over into her field of view and showed her duckface. Rarity was entranced by her innocence and helplessness and forgot all about Littlepip, dropping her to the floor. While Rarity was distracted, Nyx teleported onto the scene and launched a magical ray at Rarity.
The beam raced towards Rarity, about to turn her into something small and harmless. But then Rainbow Dash rushed in at the last moment and swept Rarity off of her hooves. Applejack arrived on the scene and took down Nyx with a swift kick, knocking her clear across the town square and through a cottage window.
“Thank you, Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Rarity. “But what about your race with Button Mash?”
“I had Fluttershy tag in for me,” said Rainbow Dash. “Now come on, let’s go save Pinkie’s bakery from Hufflepuff!”
Button Mash giggled like a schoolfilly as he jumped from third to first place, and Fluttershy was back in fifth place grappling with the controller and trying to figure out the controls.
“I’m gonna win! Nanna nanna boo boo, stick your head in doo doo!” said Button Mash, sticking out his tongue at Fluttershy.
Fluttershy’s muscles tensed up and sweat dripped from her mane as she tried to close in on first place, but no matter what she did, her cart would always slip on a banana peel or fall off a cliff. They were down to the second-to-last lap, and she would need a miracle to close the gap and win.
Donut Steel took off into the air, taking aim at the townsponies below with his spaghetti launcher. He was followed closely behind by Twilight. She let loose a magical beam from her horn, but Donut Steel deflected it with his rock hard abs, and the beam ricocheted off of them and hit Davenport’s Quills and Sofas, which exploded into a fireball. He fired another spaghetti blast, which missed Twilight, but landed square in Rainbow Dash’s face.
Rainbow Dash, temporarily blinded by the saucy noodles and meatballs, slammed straight into the side of a cottage near the town market, flying all the way through. She dropped Rarity, who fell to the ground along with plaster, drywall, and straw from the cottage.
Rarity rubbed her aching head as she climbed to the ground, seeing double. But the steely grey Littlepip was on the scene, aiming her revolver straight at Rarity. Littlepip fired, and a bullet whizzed straight towards Rarity. It didn’t hit her, but it hit the ends of Rarity’s perfectly styled mane, splitting her hair. Tears of rage and sadness formed in Rarity’s eyes as she gazed at her ruined mane.
“Oh, it is ON!” Rarity yelled.
Her horn lit up as she grabbed Littlepip’s gun, struggling against Littlepip’s own considerable telekinesis. In the ensuing struggle, the gun was thrown clear across the town, landing in the river with a splash. Rarity grinned as her horn lit up and pots, pans, knives, and cutlery from a produce market stall swirled around her like a tornado. She launched the kitchen implements at Littlepip, who grabbed them with her own telekinesis and sent them right back in Rarity’s direction.
Panicked pony shoppers in the market screamed and ran for cover as the two telekinetic masters threw entire market stalls and wooden planks at each other.
Meanwhile, Pinkie ran up to the front steps of Sugarcube Corner.
She furrowed her brows and gazed around the kitchen. “Oooh, I hope I’m not too late!”
But Flufflepuff was in the pantry, eating her entire weight in sugar and flour, which coated her fuzzy mane and coat in white, making her resemble a cotton ghost. Then, Flufflepuff set her eyes on a giant, towering cake sitting on the table.
“Noooo!” yelled Pinkie Pie, who ran over to the table, guarding Mr. and Mrs. Cake’s latest creation with her life.
Applejack ran over to Nyx, who was powering up her horn and grabbing the sun straight out of the sky, ready to set it down under the horizon and bring on the eternal night. Applejack tackled the black filly and slammed her horn with a hoof, sending a shock through Applejack’s hoof and down Nyx’s spine. Nyx yelped at the pain as Applejack flipped around and bucked Nyx square in her back, fracturing her concealed wings under her saddle.
Applejack was about to land another blow, but found herself covered in spaghetti from Donut Steel, who fired his blaster straight at her. Nyx launched another of her magical transformation rays at Applejack, but she found herself whisked out of the way by Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy? But I thought you were racin’ with Button Mash?” said Applejack.
“Nope, I tagged out with Twilight. Now come on, let’s go stop Snowdrop! She’s paralyzing all of my animals with her cuteness!”
“No thanks,” said Applejack. “I got some unfinished business over here. I’ll come help y’all when I’m done.”
Fluttershy set down Applejack and flew as fast as she could (which wasn’t all that fast) towards her cottage. Snowdrop was there, and was cutely entrancing all of the animals with her innocence and helplessness. Even the rabbits were totally enthralled.
“Stop right there! If you don’t mind,” said Fluttershy, gently opening her door and wiping her hooves on the mat.
“No, that’s okay, I don’t think I will,” said Snowdrop.
Fluttershy frowned. “Nopony entrances my animals with their cuteness except me!”
Fluttershy opened her eyes as wide as the gates of tartarus as she gazed at Snowdrop with a burning fury strong enough to melt the ice caps and bring about a hundred years of slightly warmer temperatures. But The Stare didn’t work on Snowdrop, because she was blind.
On the other side of town, a tremendous explosion erupted from Sugarcube Corner as a nuclear mushroom cloud of flour and sugar erupted over Ponyville.
“Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, glimpsing the cloud through a window. She was back at the town hall, putting the hurt on Button Mash, who had won the last race but had agreed to best two-out-of-three. A crowd who had gathered to watch the race cheered as Rainbow Dash used up her last speed mushroom and careened across the finish line in a hair’s-breadth victory over Button Mash. The final race would decide everything, but Pinkie was in trouble.
“Sorry Button Mash, but my friend needs me,” said Rainbow Dash. She threw the controller over to Applejack, who just so happened to be in the area after Nyx ran off to lick her wounds.
“Uh, how does this doohickey work?” said Applejack.
Button Mash chuckled. “I’ve got this one in the bag.”
Rainbow Dash took off into the air, making a hole in the roof of the town hall since she didn’t have time to use the door. Her eyes filled with tears as the wind gusted in her eyes and she flew faster than she had in her life. Or, at least, since she had done the Sonic Rainboom. As she flew over the market closer to Sugarcube Corner, she beheld an incredible sight.
Littlepip and Rarity were each surrounded by tornadoes of flying debris, dirt, grass, knives, planks, fruit, vegetables, and ponies as they swirled in their telekinesis. They floated through the air by levitating themselves like in the movie Chronicle, because apparently unicorns can do that now, and the entire market was ripped to shreds as they headed towards the space needle clock tower.
“Give up this foolish endeavor right now!” yelled Rarity.
“Make me, bitch!” Littlepip shouted back.
Rainbow Dash didn’t have time to look at that, though, because she was too busy flying over to save Pinkie Pie. The entire area and ground around the destroyed shop was covered in a film of food products, and shattered wood from what used to be Sugarcube Corner. In the center of it all, Flufflepuff and Pinkie Pie were dough-wrestling, each covered in sticky mush as the grappled at each other’s fur and tails, biting and punching one another. Rainbow Dash flew straight over to Flufflepuff, ripping her off of Pinkie Pie.
“Pffffaaaafff!” yelled Flufflepuff.
Pinkie Pie smiled, getting back to her hooves. “Thanks Rainbow Dash, I got it from here! Go back and win the race with Button Mash!”
Rainbow Dash nodded and raced back to the town hall.
Meanwhile, in the air above Ponyville, the sky had turned into a dark, eternal night as Nyx covered the sun up with the moon, causing a solar eclipse. Applejack rushed over and threw herself at Nyx, but the black filly was too fast this time. She let loose a magical ray, hitting Applejack square in the jaw.
“Aaah!”
Where Applejack once stood, there was now a single apple tree. But the apple tree reached over with one of its limbs and grabbed Nyx, strangling her in its branches.
“Aaach aach!” Nyx struggled to breathe.
Twilight Sparkle and Donut Steel were locked in an epic magical fight near the ruins of her treehouse library, which had been destroyed in a similar fight with Tirek a few months ago. Each alicorn was firing a ray of pure energy at the other, but the energy beams were doing that thing that they do where they have to push each other back, and they were pretty evenly matched, going back and forth.
“Looks like... we’re at... an impasse,” said Twilight in between energy surges.
“I should have killed you when I had the chance!” Donut Steel lamented, shaking his head.
Rainbow Dash raced back to the town hall, grabbed the controller, and went back to the race, gaining ranks until she was locked in a neck and neck duel with Button Mash. They each raced around the curves of the virtual racetrack, each one taking first and second place many times concurrently.
But then Rainbow Dash’s cart slammed into an item box and got a blue shell. She let it loose and it hit Button Mash, who was in first at the time. Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash failed to realize that Button Mash was right behind her, and they both ended up being blown up by the shell. Instead, Mareio, Poshi, and Princess Peachlestia came in first, second, and third respectively, and Button Mash and Rainbow Dash both lost.
“No fair! MOM! Tell them all that I shoulda won!” yelled Button Mash.
Button Mash and Rainbow Dash kept doing rematches, but were both evenlyskilled. Littlepip and Rarity tore the entire town to shreds chasing each other through the sky, and they had to call in the national guard. Donut Steel and Twilight Sparkle were off in space on some weird planet fighting each other with energy beams. Applejack strangled Nyx in her branches but not too hard, because she wanted to be changed back into a pony. Fluttershy used the stare on the animals and Snowdrop used her cuteness, and the animals just didn’t know which one to listen to. Pinkie Pie and Fluffle Puff eventually just both got bored and decided to throw a party.
The fight continued for the next three days, and it entirely destroyed Ponyville and the surrounding countryside. But it eventually came to an end when--
“Just what do you think you’re doing?”
A handsome, chocolate-coated unicorn stallion with a shimmering blond mane and gorgeous green eyes turned around from his writing desk as he saw the towering white Princess Celestia standing over him. She had a scowl on her face, and was gritting her teeth.
“Oh, er…” said the stallion, blushing beet red. “Hello there, Princess Celestia! I was just, um, writing another story. I’m C. B. Horses, and I’m a great pony writer; you can tell by the initials in my name. You gotta have initials. The problem is that I don’t get nearly enough respect. So I’m writing yet another story in the hopes that I’ll make it big. But nopony understands my amazing sense of humor.”
“That’s because your humor is terrible,” Princess Celestia scoffed. “You rely on real-world references, cheesy puns, an overly-sarcastic tone, and fourth wall breakage. Most of your stories just have eye-catching titles and milk cheap gimmicks in desperate attempts to become popular. When will it be clear to you that this isn’t what ponies like? They like literature, but you write no such thing. Instead, you have been tormenting my subjects with libelous mischaracterizations, printing lies about them. Just look at the titles of some of your works. ‘Shining Armor Beats Up Flash Sentry.’ ‘Owlowicious Annoys a Telemarketer.’ ‘Fluttershy Is Made a Princess Instead of Twilight,’ and ‘My British Pony?’ These stories are nothing but drivel. None of my subjects would ever act in such a depraved manner as you describe in your fiction.”
“B-but… freedom of speech...” the stallion stammered.
Princess Celestia shook her head as she powered up her horn. “Mister Horses, it’s time to put your terrible writing career to an end.”
Littlepip, Snowdrop, Button Mash, Donut Steel, Flufflepuff, and Nyx all sat, staring at the giant blue orb in the sky.
“I used to rule that whole place, once,” said Donut Steel, gazing longingly at Equestria below.
“No you fucking didn’t,” said Littlepip, her horn lighting green as she levitated a bunch of moon rocks to build herself a new home.
“Pffft pfss pff pfhbtf pfbt pfff.”
“The moon is just boring and grey? I don’t get it, Flufflepuff,” said Snowdrop.
“You know, at first I didn’t like the moon, but I’ve kind of grown used to it up here,” said Nyx.
“MOM! Get me a soda! I’m thirsty!” yelled Button Mash.
“Well, I guess you can say that we’re… marooned,” said Donut Steel, pointing to his maroon coat to help explain his stupid pun.
Suddenly, there was a pop and a bright flash of light. The six ponies glanced over as they saw their newest companion, a chocolate-coated stallion with a blond mane.
“Hey, a newcomer, I think!” Snowdrop exclaimed.
“You’re right,” said Carts Before Horses. “Celestia sent me here.”
“Did she?” asked Donut Steel. He frowned. “That bitch sent us up here, too! We were gonna win!”
“But we lost all of our lives in the final boss fight, and now it’s game over,” said Button Mash, swinging his hoof down into the moon dust.
“We fought the law, and the law won,” said Snowdrop, eyes glazed over with tears.
“So, what are you up here for, stranger?” asked Nyx.
C. B. Horses chuckled. He sat down next to the six OCs. Finally, he answered.
“It’s a long story.”
