Teagate

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Human
Length: 2215

Foreign policy rolls in its grave when Nixon and Celestia have a spot of tea with a side of political manipulation and only one sugar.

Foreign policy rolls in its grave when Nixon and Celestia have a spot of tea with a side of political manipulation and only one sugar. And if that fails, there's plenty of other princesses out there for Nixon to negotiate with. Tricky Dick ain't no crook, he's a politician!

Thanks to my editor alexmagnet for all his help! Additional thanks to TheAuthorGl1m0 for the cover art and DeluxeMagnum69 for the chapter cover arts!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-11 02:20:06 UTC

Chapter 1: Scandals And Tea Parties

“So… are you a crook?”

Nixon nearly spit out his tea. Instead, he merely swallowed the hot concoction while sputtering.

“I beg your pardon?” he asked.

Celestia shrugged, slowly sipping at her own tea cup. Earl grey, lukewarm, one sugar, just the way she’s liked it for centuries. “I’ve heard some stories… you know. Of the, erm, scandal, as it’s called.”

Nixon narrowed his already-beady eyes at her. Celestia avoided his gaze and inspected her surroundings. The two were seated at a table before the presidential desk, smack in the middle of the Oval Office, which was neither oval-shaped nor very office-like. In fact, it looked more like an artificial, tacky representation of a waiting room for a doctor’s office. Too clean, too boring, and too awkwardly silent for her liking. Actually, wait, that would make it similar to an office.

“I assure you, Princess Celestia, those scandals were nothing but unsubstantiated allegations and slanderous lies against my good name.” Nixon set his tea cup down, not having particularly enjoyed it in the first place. He was more of a coffee guy anyhow. That, or the fresh blood of bleeding heart liberals. “Nothing has been proven yet and nothing ever will… because it didn’t happen.”

Celestia had missed about half of what Nixon had just said, too lost in the quivering of his prominent jowls.

“Uh… sure, sure, indeed,” she said, nodding absently. “It’s just that I want to be positive that I’m not negotiating any agreements with a country whose leader lies to his own people.”

“Lying?” Nixon asked, his chuckling drier than the uneaten crumpet beside his tea cup. “Why, I would never lie to the American people. The nation is one built on trust and integrity from its leaders and politicians, who would never even possibly think of corruption or profiting from their exclusive positions.”

Celestia could have sworn she saw his already pointy nose grow an inch or two longer.

“Well, while I’m sure you’re honest in that regard, I want to be sure I’m dealing with someone of decent trustworthiness and reputation.” Celestia arched a brow. “Can you provide either?”

Nixon straightened his tie and smirked. “I think being the most powerful man of the free world is certainly a testament of that.”

Celestia nodded slightly, sipping at her tea tentatively. “I knew a guy who could bend reality to his will and control the world like a puppet to its strings. You need to step up your game.”

Nixon frowned, then dropped a single sugar cube into his lukewarm tea. He didn’t even stir.

“And from what your political track record has shown, your game has been thrown off for some time now.” Celestia refilled her cup, adding the customary amount of milk that she’s been doing for centuries now. The clink of her spoon against the walls of the tea cup rang in the quiet room. Nixon began to sweat, beads popping up along his forehead like an adolescent teen’s acne. “Which is why I’m curious. Why this suddenly extended hand of foreign policy?”

Nixon licked his lips and tried his best attempt of a smile on his beady weasel face. “Oh, I don’t believe it’s that sudden. Ever since the discovery of Equestria, America has lead a warm hand of support to you and your people.”

Celestia raised a brow. “To keep us from falling to the red tide, am I correct?”

Nixon nearly choked on his tea, but rather swallowed it down, hard. “I can assure you that the only benefits that the government seeks from our partnership is mutual partnership and friendship to better stren—”

Celestia raised a hoof, cutting Nixon off. “Cut it with the political prattle, Mr. President. We both know why you really invited me here.” Celestia sipped her tea, smacking her lips in a dainty, royal-like fashion. “Although the tea was unexpected, but pleasant.”

“I prefer coffee myself. Good ol’ fashioned American drink. Tea tastes too damn herbal.” Nixon pushed his tea cup to the side and quickly wiped the beads of sweat off his head. This only proved to throw some waterballoons on the inferno, for bullets of sweat were already firing from his pores. “I just thought it’d make the image look good. Two leaders sitting down for tea. Much more mundane than, say—”

“A behind the table agreement for Equestrian and American to ratify future treaties to prevent the further spread of communism and use Equestria as a buffer zone between you and the—how you say—Ruskies?”

Celestia sipped her tea.

Nixon was perspiring more than a weak-willed vegan in a gay club. “I must admit, you’re sharper than you look.”

Celestia smiled, her grin about as genuine as the request for tea. “It’s probably the horn.”

“Well, if you didn’t already know, it is vital as President for me to establish a winning image. Vietnam, those damn hippies, that one nasty incident with that hotel that had the bad room service…” Nixon sighed, shoulders hunched over like the weight of an entire nation rested on them—a nation composed entirely of jackasses, in one way or the other. “I don’t have that image anymore.”

“So this is basically an attempt to save face for your past lies and deceit by throwing together a half-baked plan to get me to agree to some bogus deal to be America’s little shield to those soulless, godless communists?” Celestia snorted. “How dumb do you truly believe I am?”

Nixon opened his mouth.

“That was a rhetorical question.”

“I knew that.”

Celestia sipped her tea rather than answer.

Nixon loosened his tie, which was starting to feel like a noose of incriminating criminal evidence slowly choking him into political ruin.

“Listen, I never lied. I just said some things that later turned out to be untrue. Complete misunderstanding, you see.” Nixon scratched the tip of his bulbous nose, Celestia glaring at him with squinted eyes. “I was under medication at the time, you see.”

Celestia got up from her seat. “I think we’re done here.”

“I’m not a crook!” Nixon yelled at Celestia and she made a hasty retreat from the Oval Office. “I earned everything I got! Earned it, you hear me!”

Nixon slumped in his seat with a sigh. Resting his head on the cushion of the couch, Nixon pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Goddamnit… well, there goes plan number one.”

Getting up from his seat, Nixon approached his desk. He walked past the red phone perched at the edge of his desk and instead picked up the rainbow one on the other side. “Yes, hello, this is President Nixon,” he said in the receiver, smiling his little weasley smirk. “I’d like to offer an invitation for tea at the White House at your nearest convenience.”

Chapter 2: Lies And Coffee Breaks

“Thanks again for the friendly offer for coffee, President Nixon,” Luna said.

Nixon stirred his cup with a gleeful smile spreading across his jowls. “My pleasure, your majesty, my pleasure. I’m just so pleased you decided that coffee would be the more appropriate choice for… friendly discussions.”

Luna poured several teaspoons worth of sugar into her coffee, which was as black as a democrat’s heart. She took sipped her cup of joe for several seconds, her eyes traveling to the back of her skull as an ecstasy of bitter, sugary flavor slammed into her taste buds.

“My treat. Your coffee machine in the White House is simply amazing!”

Nixon nodded his head. “Yes, yes, indeed. You know what else is amazing?”

“No, what?”

“A major political figure of a highly important, newcomer foreign country agreeing to a treaty using their co-ruler oligarchy title that would effectively set in stone Equestria agreeing with American mandates for a mutual beneficial correlation of states.” Nixon blew on his coffee and gulped some down. “I mean, I’m just saying, that’s pretty amazing.”

Luna set her coffee cup down slowly, eye to eye with the cold gaze of President Nixon. A gaze that was as heartless as it was completely merciless. It was like looking into the eyes of a DMV front desk representative who had been jaded by thirty years of the job, and could only go to sleep at night with a cup full of vodka, a hand full of valium, and a heart filled with bitterness against all of humanity.

“I don’t believe that would be the wisest decision for me to make for the rest of Equestria…”

“Listen, it’s easy,” Nixon assured her, rapping his knuckles on the table. "It must not appear that you're trying to directly control the foreign policy of Equestria to be more American friendly. That's what you must do, but you must not appear to be doing that. That would be stupid."

“Because my sister already denied your request?” Luna asked, her coffee turning lukewarm but already forgotten.

“Listen, I’m not going to be the first American President to fail a treaty with a nation of colorful, talking midget-horses.” Nixon clapped his hands together and shrugged. “So, what do you want? I’m the most powerful man on Earth, so almost anything is possible for me.”

Luna shook her head. “Sorry, Mr. President, but I just can’t agree to a treaty that could potentially harm my nation, especially with… well, not to be rude, but especially with someone of your insidious nature.”

“Oh, I’m insidious now, am I?” Nixon rested his hands on his knees and shook his head slowly. “This is one of your only opportunities to negotiate with me. I want you to know—just think how much you're going to be losing—you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, your majesty, this will be my last presidential term.”

Luna balked. “Wait, so that means you won’t be in charge any longer? How… how does that even work?”

“Democracy,” Nixon answered. “America has a republic where we vote for our leaders.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!”

“Exactly!” Nixon said. “Politics never make sense. Voters quickly forget what a man says. The people are swayed by fear and what threatens their comfortable lives. I kiss babies to get votes, for Christ’s sake.”

“Then why do you need my help?”

“I need to divert attention from some rather… unsavory rumors held over my head. A treaty ratified with Equestria is just what I need.” Nixon spread his hands out as he got more comfortable in his seat. “And whatever you could want to assure that treaty, I can provide.”

Luna scowled, positively glowering at Nixon. “I don’t believe you have anything I would want, Mr. President.”

Nixon grinned, like he was watching a puppy being kicked or a hippie being hit in the face by a cop’s nightstick, or better yet, a cop hitting a hippie while kicking a puppy. “I thought you’d say that.” Nixon withdrew a map and opened it up on the table, revealing a large area of the Pacific Ocean. “Instead of being co-ruler of Equestria, I can assure you of being an actual true leader of a country. You can have the American territory of American Samoa.”

“You’re actually bribing me with territory?”

Nixon held up a finger. “Wait, you didn’t let me finish. If you allow the United States to set up discrete missile bases in Equestria, I’ll throw in the Philippines for free.”

Luna bit her lip, her pupils widening as she stared at the large area of territory Nixon was offering her. So much potential…

“But… doesn’t America not own the Philippines anymore?”

“Define ‘own.’”

Luna scowled.

Nixon shrugged. “Hey, that’s a simple enough problem to fix. Just throw up some incriminating evidence that the Philippines are working with the Ruskies, perhaps an edited missile base photo or two back from the Cuban Crisis, and we’re good.”

Luna tapped her chin. “But isn’t that illegal?”

“When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.” Nixon pointed to her. “That’s in the Constitution.”

Luna shook her head and rose from her seat. “I regret to inform you, Mr. President, but I will not agree with your terms. They’re just so… so insane and extreme, I don’t understand how you could possibly think they’re a good idea.”

“Wait!” Nixon begged, holding up his hand. “I’ll give you California! I don’t want that hippie-infested pigsty anyway!”

Luna began to back away slowly to the door. “Sorry, no deal!”

“Canada! I can get you Canada! Those guys are pussies anyway!”

But it was too late. Luna had exited out the door, leaving Nixon all by his lonesome.

He sighed, slowly beating a fist against his couch cushion. “Goddamnit. Bribery usually always works seventy percent of the time.” Getting up with his hands on his sides, he swaggered over to the rainbow phone once again. “Well, there’s always the third one. And I think I know just the thing for this one.”

Picking up the receiver, Nixon cleared his throat and said, “Why hello there, this is President Nixon speaking. Most powerful man of the free world. Great people person. I was just wondering if you’d be available for tea later today. Say… my place?”

After several seconds of talking on the other line, Nixon nodded, his devious grin growing larger. “Perfect. Finger-sandwiches shall be provided.”