Celestia nervously eased a finger around the collar of her jacket, gulping audibly. She carefully wiped her forehead with a towel, slightly sweaty from the heat of the kitchen. The oven was on, the roast was slowly crisping, and it was time to rid herself of this frilly white apron, a necessity to protect her customary suit.
The doorbell rang, nearly making her jump out of her skin. No time for that now, no time for anything! He was here! Forgetting the apron entirely, she rushed to open the door. Standing on her doorstep holding a bottle of champagne was none other than Superintendent Discord himself, suit pressed to perfection and bald pate gleaming.
Discord rarely wasted time on pleasantries – especially where Celestia was concerned. “Well Celestia, I made it – Despite your directions.”
“Ahhh, Superintendent Discord, welcome!” She ushered him in. “I hope you're ready for an unforgettable luncheon!”
Discord swept inside with a non-committal mutter that could have been a yes. He placed the bottle in the bucket of ice Celestia had resting on the dining table, and seated himself. Celestia passed by him into the kitchen, worrying about everything. Something always went wrong when Discord was around and it was simply a matter of-
-smoke pouring out of the oven! Gasping in terror, she snatched on some oven-mitts and dashed over to the oven, yanking it open. Her roast smoked for all of a second, before bursting into flames. “Oh ye Gods! My roast is ruined!” A hand to her head in consternation, she slumped against the wall, before noticing the open window in her kitchen. Just across the road she saw a fast food restaurant, and an idea came to her. She stroked her chin in thought, musing aloud. “But what if... I were to purchase fast food, and disguise it as my own cooking!” She chuckled to herself. “Delightfully devilish Celestia!”
Hanging up her apron, she stretched a leg through the window, ready to slip out, at the same moment that Discord walked through the door.
“I-” The Superintendent stopped mid-syllable and glared at her suspiciously.
Celestia, with her crazy explanations!
The Superintendent's gonna need his medication,
when he hears Celestia's lame exaggerations,
there'll be trouble in town, tonight!
“CELEEESTIAAAAA!”
Her head snapped up, eyes wide. “Superintendent! I was just- uhhh...” Her mind worked frantically. “...stretching my calves on the windowsill!” She twisted around her leg, making a show of the movement. “Isometric exercise! Care to join me?”
Discord put his fists on his hips and glared at her for a moment, before saying, “Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Celestia?” he asked, pointing.
Celestia faltered for a moment. “Ohh, ahhh... That isn't smoke! It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having.” She rubbed her stomach. “Mmmm, steamed clams!” She smiled widely.
Discord glared for a moment longer, before going back through to the dining room.
Celestia wiped her brow. “Whew!” Quickly checking the door, she slipped out the window and ran across the street.
A few minutes later, Discord looked up, a napkin tucked into his collar, as Celestia walked in to the dining room, bearing a large tray. “Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!”
Discord hmmmm-ed. “I thought we were having 'steamed clams'?”
Celestia smiled as she set the tray down. “Oh, no, I said 'steamed hams'! That's what I call hamburgers.” She sat down herself.
Discord looked at the tray filled with burgers and sprinkled with fries dubiously, before looking up at Celestia. “You call hamburgers... steamed hams?”
Celestia sat there with a smile fixed to her face. “Yes! It's a... regional dialect.”
Discord considered her. “Ah-huh”, he said dryly. “What region?”
Celestia's gaze shifted for a second. “Uhhh... Upstate Neigh York.”
Discord's gaze narrowed. “Really. Well I'm from Ewe-tica and I've never heard the phrase 'steamed hams'.”
“Oh, not in Ewe-tica, no!” Celestia waved a flippant hand. “It's an Alpony expression.”
“I see,” said Discord, reaching for a burger.
The pair ate in silence for a moment, Discord enjoying a couple of bites of his burger before swallowing and opening the bun in suspicion. “You know these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Cadence-Burger.”
The principal chuckled theatrically. “Ohoho, nooo! Patented Alicorn burgers! Oooold family recipe!”
Discord just stared. “For steamed hams.”
“Yes.”
“Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.”
Sweat beaded on Celestia's forehead. “W-... Ye-A... You know the-...” She dabbed her face with a napkin, stalling. “One thing I sh-...” She abruptly stood. “Excuse me for a second.”
“Of course”, replied Discord, and Celestia retreated into the kitchen. The Superintendent enjoyed another couple of bites before Celestia came back out, briefly revealing a fierce red light shining from inside the kitchen, stretching her arms over her head and yawning. An odd flickering noise was coming from somewhere, and the smoke seemed thicker.
“Ahhh, well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped!” Keeping her hands behind her back, the principal willed Discord on his way.
With a sigh, The Superintendent removed his napkin and glanced at his watch. His chair scraped as he started to rise. “Yes, I should be-” Abruptly he noticed the sound and light coming from the kitchen. “GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!”
Without missing a beat, Celestia replied, “The Elements of Harmony.”
Discord's jaw dropped. “I- The Elements of Harmony!” His glare seemed to sharpen with each word.
“At this time of year!”
“At this time of day!”
“In this part of Equestria!”
“Localised entirely within your kitchen!”
Celestia smiled wide. “Yes!”
That brought Discord up short and he considered for a moment before incredulously asking, “May I see it?”
The principal thought for a moment. “...no.”
A few moments later, Celestia was showing the Superintendent out the door as a shout came from upstairs. “Celestia! The house is on fire!”
“No Luna, that's just the magic of friendship!” she shouted back.
“Well Celestia,” began Discord, smiling politely, “You're an odd lady, but I must admit... You steam a good ham.” And with that, the Superintendent began walking down the front path, stopping once to turn around. Flames flickered through the windows and smoke billowed everywhere. Upstairs, he could hear a hoarse voice shouting, “HEEELP! HEEEEEEEEELP!!”
Celestia gave him a big smile and a thumbs up, and he turned and kept walking. The second he turned the corner, she ran inside.
Author's Note
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