Queen of Diamonds: Bootsy Version

by Bootsy Slickmane

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Mayor Mare
Length: 4594

Diamond Tiara puts up with a lot of things in her life, like running out of ice cream, and the CMC constantly causing trouble around town. One day, though, she finally gets what she needs to put an end to her problems.

Diamond Tiara puts up with a lot of things in her life, like running out of ice cream, and the CMC constantly causing trouble around town. One day, though, she finally gets what she needs to put an end to her problems.

Part of the Queen of Diamonds Project, where Mattricole and I both wrote about Diamond Tiara taking over Ponyville, to see how we would each execute the idea. Be sure to check out his take on the concept here.
Assistant Writer/Editor: Telaros.

Published 2014-09-12 16:20:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-12 16:20:05 UTC

Diplomacy

Diamond Tiara leaned back against her lounge chair, eyes held shut behind her oversized sunglasses. She sucked in a slow breath, held it, and let out an even slower one, her forelegs sliding in behind her head. Silver crossed her hind legs from her own seat, turning her head slightly as a soft fluttering sound drifted over them. She lowered her own shades, looking toward the tall hedges past her friend as an off-white colt popped into view. He fell back down after a second of frantic wing-flapping, and Silver replaced her sunglasses.

"Featherweight's here," Silver stated simply.

Diamond didn't bother to open her eyes, merely reaching up and waving her hoof to beckon him over. The colt hovered over the leafy fence and zipped across the pavement to the two, landing gracefully on his tiny hooves. "Anything new?" Diamond asked, shifting slightly in her seat.

Featherweight nodded, slipping his muzzle into his saddlebags and retrieving a manila envelope. He held the flat container out wordlessly, and Diamond took it into her hooves after a second. He watched her, remaining silent as she popped open one end of the envelope and spilled the contents out into her lap.

Diamond smiled, then grimaced, and then smirked as she shuffled through the stack of photographs. "Nice work, Featherweight. These will do nicely." She reached down to a little sack under her chair, coming up with a tiny stack of bits. She tossed them to the colt. "Standard payment. Keep ‘em comin', Feather."

Diamond's focus returned to the photos, her hooves moving them around and reordering them on her lap. Meanwhile, Featherweight just stood there, staring at her, mouth clamped shut like it usually was. It was a good nineteen seconds before Silver spoke up, commenting, "He's still here, you know."

Diamond looked up at the colt, pulling her shades down and off her face. She rolled her eyes after another second, sighing, "Fine." She leaned over, planting a brief kiss against his cheek. He smiled, wings buzzing as he made a tiny hop from his spot on the pavement. Then he was gone, zooming back across the yard and over the hedge while Silver looked on with an undisguised look of disapproval.

Silver huffed, crossing her forelegs. "What'd he get, anyway?"

"The solution to our problems, my dear Silver Spoon. Behold," Diamond said, holding out the photos.

Silver raised an eyebrow. "What, blackmail again? Didn't you, like, already try that before?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Silver. First off, it's tan, not black. Secondly, it's called 'diplomacy,'" Diamond replied with a snicker.

Silver adjusted her glasses a bit. "I don't think that means what you think it means." A smile came to her slowly as her friend flipped through the photos. "Ooooh, is that who I think it is?" Her smile faded quickly with the next photo, being replaced by a look of disgust. As the next photo slid into place, a gray hoof flew to her mouth, her face shifting to a dull shade of green. She turned away quickly.

"Not in the pool," Diamond reminded Silver as she took the photos back. "And yes, it most certainly is." She giggled quietly, sliding the photos back into the envelope. "Soon, all our problems will be a thing of the past, just you watch and see." She glanced back over at her friend, only to crinkle her nose and turn back. She rolled her eyes again and called out, "Randolph, get the sawdust! Silver puked again!"

* * * *

The clock on the wall struck 3:17, and Diamond groaned, her face sliding into her pink little hooves. What the hay was taking so long? She peeked out from between her forelegs, one eye scanning the rest of the little waiting room. Aside from Diamond herself, it was mostly empty. Just the secretary, as usual, and what appeared to be a mother and son sitting on the other side of the room.

Her face slid from her hooves and she leaned back against the back of her chair, watching as the clock's little hands shifted. 3:18. She growled at the mocking clock, eyes going back to the room's other occupants again as she crossed her forelegs over her ribs. The colt across from her was dangling his hind hooves over the edge of his chair, waving them slightly in a seemingly-bored manner. His blue eyes swiveled up, meeting her own, and he waved at her with a little smile. Diamond rolled her eyes, but waved back after a second.

Finally, the double doors swung open, and Diamond perked up. A blue unicorn trotted out into the waiting room, smiling contentedly. The receptionist dropped the quill from her mouth and lifted up a little scroll in her hooves. She turned, scanning the room as she asked, "Three-fifteen appointment for Diamond Tiara?"

"About time." Diamond slid from her seat and onto the carpet, trotting toward the now-open doorway with her nose held high. A tiny smile was living on her face, not unlike a starfish might stick itself to the hull of a ship (assuming that the crew wanted it there). She pulled the doors shut behind her before making her way through the office and to the desk at one end.

"Yes, what..." but Mayor Mare trailed off as she saw who it was, and she smiled. "Oh, why, hello there, little filly. Are you here to do a school report on local government?"

Diamond's smirk only widened. "Nope." She reached back into her saddlebags, withdrawing a manila envelope and tossing it onto the desk. She watched, silent as Featherweight while the mare stared down at the envelope with raised brows. "You'll get the idea," Diamond commented.

Mayor Mare lowered one eyebrow, plucking up the envelope in her hooves and reaching inside. A thin stack of photographs came out with her hoof, and her brow furrowed as she looked them over. "Umm, I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Wow, you're pretty dense, huh? Figures."

The Mayor's frown deepened, and she held up one of the photos. Diamond's eyes shot wide, and her smirk disappeared as she saw what she was being shown to her. There on the little sheet, in full color, was an image of Silver Spoon stretched out on a fancy-looking couch, mane down, a spoon hanging from her lips, her half-lidded eyes gazing into the camera, and a little slice of partially-eaten cheesecake lying next to her. Written in the white space beneath the photo was the title, "The Timeless Art of Seduction."

The Mayor cleared her throat, putting the photo down with the others of its kind. "Is there a reason why you're showing me these?"

Diamond lunged for the desk, snatching away the photos and jamming them back into the envelope, which she shoved into her bags. "You never saw that!" she squeaked with a blush, looking through her bags again. She pulled out another envelope, checked inside first, and then tossed it onto the desk.

The Mayor raised a single brow again, lifting open the envelope and peeking inside. "Filly, I have a lot of business to attend to, today. If this is some kind... kind of joke...." The color drained from her face as the photographs slid out onto the desk. Her jaw hung open, eyes flitting from one sheet to the next. Her hoof reached down to one of the images containing her own unmistakable face and cutie mark. Her eyes clamped shut, and she ground her teeth together as Diamond broke into a smile again.

"Understand, yet?"

"Yes, I think I do." The Mayor sucked in a shuddering breath, her whole body shaking for a moment as she opened her eyes to look back at the filly. "What do you want, little filly?"

Diamond pointed a hoof toward the mare, stating simply, "That big, fancy chair, and everything that comes with it."

The mayor glanced back at the photos before shoving them back into their container. "You want to be me, then, is that it?"

"Not so much you as I want your job."

Mayor Mare shook her head slowly. "I can't do that," she said flatly.

The filly scowled. "Fine," she spat. "I hope you enjoy your impeachment, because these photos are gonna be all over town by tomorrow."

The mare held up a hoof. "No, you don't understand. I can't give you my job because it's not legal. You're much too young to even run for office, let alone hold it."

Diamond scoffed. "So change the laws and then make me mayor. This town is a dump, and I'm tired of it."

Mayor Mare brought a hoof up, resting her head against it. "You never worked in politics, have ya?" she asked, her accent shifting to something out of south Detrot. "It ain't that simple, kid. Ya can't just go changing long-standing, nationwide regulations like that. They'd toss me out like a sack of moldy lemons if I tried to pull anything like that."

Diamond opened her mouth, but then just shut it again with a growl. Her eyes pitched downward, scanning the beige carpet. "There has to be something you can do..." she muttered, turning back toward the older pony. "There'd better be something you can do, or else everypony in town is gonna see those." One side of her mouth turned upward into a crooked grin. "You know, my best friend threw up when she saw them."

The Mayor reached her other hoof up, rubbing both against her temples. "Is there anything else you'd take? Cash? A personal holiday? A parade in your honor?"

"Those last two sound nice, but no. And I already have money. I want power. Real power. Your power." She leaned forward against the desk with a glare. "And I want it now."

Mayor Mare groaned, staring over at Diamond from under her brow. "C'mon, kid, ya gotta work with me, here. There's only so much I can do."

Diamond put a hoof to her chin, grazing her fur as she stared at the ceiling and hummed in thought. "How about this," she started slowly, "you stay in your big chair, but I call the shots."

The Mayor sneered a little. "And what, just use me as a figurehead? A puppet, with the strings in your hooves?"

"Exactly," Diamond said, her smile returning. "You do what I say, when I say it, or I leak these to the press. Sound good?"

"No," was the mare's reply. The filly's smile faltered for a moment, but came back as Mayor Mare continued, "But you've got a deal. For now."

"Thank you for your cooperation," Diamond chirped, sweeping the envelope back into her bags. "Now, onto my first orders."

"Not welcome, you little brat," Mayor Mare muttered.

"What was that?!"

"I said that you're a little brat," the Mayor clarified at normal volume. "Now, what do you want?"

Diamond's narrowed eyes were locked on the older mare as she hoofed a sheet of paper over. The Mayor snatched it up, her eyes scanning the list. She sighed, bringing her hoof back to her head. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me...."

* * * *

"Hey, Sweetie Belle?"

"Yeah, Scootaloo?"

"Why are we in here?"

"No idea," Sweetie replied, looking around at the near-empty shack she and her two friends currently inhabited. The only furniture consisted of a trash can in one corner, a cardboard box, and the little piles of hay that each filly sat on. "Miss Cheerilee said that this is our new classroom, though, so I guess we're supposed to be."

The rickety old door opened right about then, and in walked a vaguely-familiar brown stallion. "Good morning, class," he said. "I'm Mr. Greenhooves, and I'll be your new teacher." Mr. Greenhooves reached a creaky foreleg up to the board, a piece of chalk wrapped in his wrist, and wrote his name. "Today, we're going to learn," he continued, speaking as he wrote the title of the day's lesson on the board.

How to Not be Totally Useless to Society Despite Being a Complete Failure at Everything with No Cutie Mark

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof, and their new teacher pointed at her. She quickly asked, "Where's Miss Cheerilee?"

"She's teachin' the regular class back at the schoolhouse."

"Ah think that was the wrong question," Apple Bloom said. "Ah think we should be askin'—oof!" she grunted as a hole-ridden plank of wood connected with the back of her head. "Ow! Hey, what was that for?"

"Speakin' without raisin' yer hoof," Greenhooves said simply.

Apple Bloom rubbed her bruised cranium. "Gosh, Miss Cheerilee would just scold us. Why—" she was cut off by another blow, this time to one of her blank flanks. She glared at her new teacher, and slowly raised a hoof. Greenhooves pointed at her. "Why are you teachin' us? And why are you hittin' me?"

"'Cause it's my new job and that's the new policy. Now, let's get started, fillies." He reached into one of the trash cans. "This is a rake," he said, holding up the tool. "It's what blank-flanked failures like us—that's no-talent ponies with flanks as bare as a chromed donkey skull—use to move leaves from one place to another so important ponies don't have to."

"Why do Ah get the feelin' that Diamond Tiara's got somethin' to do with this?" Apple Bloom whispered.

Mr. Greenhooves briefly demonstrated his raking techniques. "See how easy it is? Even if you don't have magic because you're... hang on, I want to get this right." He leaned over to his makeshift desk made of cardboard, squinting at the crinkled piece of paper on it. "Even if you don't have magic because you're an air-headed, talentless unicorn, or a feather-brained pegasus who ironically can't fly, you can still rake with your hooves," he read aloud. "More important ponies may make fun of you, but that's okay," he continued, standing up straight, "because you deserve it. Any questions?"

"Okay, now Ah know Diamond had somethin' to do with this. I dunno how, but I'd bet my—" Apple Bloom stopped short again, her sentence ending with the sound of Mr. Greenhooves's paddle bouncing off her forehead.

* * * *

Twilight Sparkle pulled in a breath, taking the wonderful scent of freshly-brewed coffee into her nostrils and making her nose hairs flutter. She sighed, a little shiver running through her body. She moseyed through the halls of her crystalline castle, steaming cup suspended in her magical aura and a newspaper tucked under one wing.

She found her way into the castle's library, taking a seat in her usual armchair and spreading the newspaper out in the air before her. She sipped at her mug, sucking in the hot, brown liquid. It came right back out, though, when her eyes took in the biggest headline on the front page.

Blank Flanks Banned from Public Schools

She shook her head for a second, straightened the paper, and read the headline again, but it was still the same. She continued down the page, skimming in the associated article. "This can't be real," she muttered. "This has to be a joke paper, or something."

She stood up, calling out, "Spike! Did you swap my newspaper with a joke one again?"

A voice filtered in through the hallways, replying, "No, Twilight. Stop asking."

The lavender alicorn looked back down at the paper, a frown firmly fixed on her face. She sat down again, lifting the paper to read the article.

Should ponies without cutie marks be allowed to intermingle with those who do? Mayor Mare says that the answer is a resounding "no," according to a law that just came into effect earlier today. The new policy strictly forbids ponies without cutie marks from attending the same classes as those who have already found their special talents. Those without marks will have to attend separate classes, in a separate building, taught by a separate teacher. When asked what prompted Mayor Mare to even suggest such a controversial policy, she replied, "No comment."

Twilight continued reading the article, her disbelief growing with each passing line. Once she was finished, she folded the newspaper and summoned up her saddlebags. She stuffed the paper in and headed for the front door. "Spike, hold all my letters. I need to go sort something out with The Mayor."

* * * *

The receptionist's head whipped up, her neck crackling and popping with the sudden movement. "Your highness?" she inquired, watching as the latest princess strode through the waiting room. She reached a hoof out toward the mare. "Y-you need an appointment."

Twilight ignored her, slamming open the double doors with her magic and walking right up to the desk at the end of the office. She retrieved the paper and threw it down on the desk. "What is the meaning of this?"

Mayor Mare didn't blink as she slowly swiveled her eyes to look at the paper, and then back at Twilight. "Politics," she said, simply. "Coincidentally, I was just about to send for you, Princess. There's a matter we need to discuss regarding that new castle that you've made a home of in recent days."

"Wait, what?" Twilight said, taking a step back. "What about my castle?"

"Well, I'm afraid that you're going to have to move it."

"Move it?!"

"Yes, move it. Or tear it down, it's really up to you."

"Why?"

"It violates several zoning laws, for one thing. Nopony signed off to authorize its construction, for another. Thirdly, it's in a public park, which is owned by the city. Fourthly, it sprouted up right in the middle of a road." The Mayor pulled her glasses down, rubbing them with a soft cloth before adding, "It's also considered an eyesore to quite a few residents."

"Hey, I didn't put it there," Twilight rebutted, "that big rainbow box thingy did, and Celestia said I could keep it."

"Sorry, Princess," Mayor Mare said casually, replacing her glasses, "but local ordinances say it has to go."

"What about Celestia's orders? Are you trying to secede from Equestria?" Twilight tapped the newspaper with her hoof. "If so, then this blatant abuse of power is a good place to start. Have you totally lost your mind? I mean, I figured you had to be at least a little off after the mane-dying thing, but—"

Mayor Mare stood up, her hooves hitting the desk as she leaned forward on it. "Celestia never signed any decrees saying that you could plant a massive, gaudy structure in the middle of a high-traffic area, and until I see one, I am ordering you to get rid of it. I don't care where it goes, just get it out of the city. If you like, you can purchase a plot of—"

"You're ordering me?" Twilight breathed, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. "Excuse me, Mayor, but last time I checked, I was a princess. You'd think somepony in a position such as yours would know that you can't give me orders."

Mayor Mare's lips curled into a sneer. "Maybe you haven't noticed, Princess, but this is Ponyville, not a pretty princess playground for you to build sandcastles in."

"This coming from the mare who just outlawed ponies without cutie marks."

"I didn't outlaw anypony, I just said that they had to attend separate classes."

Twilight opened her mouth, but stopped herself. She took in a deep breath, shutting her eyes and holding a hoof to her chest. "Are you aware of how completely insane you sound right now?!" she finally said, her question exploding about halfway through as her hoof flew forward and her eyes snapped open. She took a few steps back, snatching away the newspaper in her magic. "Fine," she hissed. "You want a decree from Celestia, then by golly, you're gonna get one."

Twilight turned, trotting back through the doorway and calling over her shoulder, "I'd start finding boxes, if I were you, because that's not gonna be your desk for much longer." The double doors slammed behind the alicorn

Mayor Mare sat back in her chair, rubbing her hooves to her head. "You get all that?" she asked, her usual accent slipping away again.

Diamond Tiara emerged from the potted plant in the corner of the room, a deep frown on her lips. "I don't like having a princess in town anymore." She turned toward the older pony. "What do you think she's gonna do?"

The older pony huffed. "The same thing she does every time there's a problem: write a letter to Celestia."

The Mayor shook her head slowly, glaring at the doors and letting out a sigh. "I'm afraid the jig is up, Diamond. Once Celestia hears about this, I'll get tossed out like that lemon sack I told ya about. I'm gonna ask you very politely to keep those photos under your tiara, please. You've already ruined my reputation, after all, and now you're about to get me thrown out of office."

"Not so fast, Mayor." Diamond hopped up onto the desk, eyes locked on the double doors and a cruel smiled locked on her face. "It's not over just yet."

The Mayor quirked one eyebrow from her spot in the chair, but Diamond just waved a hoof and said, "You'll see. Just gimme a day or two, and all of this will smooth right out."

* * * *

A heavy breeze blew through the tight alleyway, and Diamond shivered ever-so-slightly. She glanced up and down the brick-walled and dirt-floored corridor before whispering, "Did you get it?"

Featherweight nodded silently, holding up the briefcase balanced on his hoof. Diamond reached for it, but the colt pulled away a little, keeping it out of her reach. Diamond cracked a crooked smile, bringing out a little cloth sack. She shook it in her hoof, rattling the coins inside, but her stone-faced contact didn't move.

"Ugh, fine," she groaned, leaning over and giving him a peck on the cheek. Featherweight smiled, grabbed up the bag of bits, and tossed over the briefcase. She rolled her eyes at the colt, unlatching the case and swinging it open. Her muzzle scrunched up in response to the sight that greeted her from within the container, and she quickly shut it. "It'll do," she stated. "Nice work."

Diamond squealed, Featherweight gasped, and both little ponies leapt back in surprise as a door suddenly burst open, throwing light onto their little assembly.

"Hey, super-secret-overthrow-the-princess-and-take-over-Ponyville meetings are supposed to be held in the alley behind Quills and Sofas, sillies!" Pinkie Pie said with a trash bag on her back and smile far too wide for any normal pony's face to ever hope to host. "It's okay, though, you can go ahead and finish up. Don't mind me!"

Pinkie pranced across the dirt road, eyes shut in contentment while the two stunned foals simply stared at her. "Nice hat, by the way," she commented with a nod to the colt. She tossed the sack into a dumpster, spun around on one hoof, and trotted back toward the open door. "And don't worry, Di," she whispered a bit too loudly, leaning over toward the filly, "I totally won't tell anypony that you were kissing a cute colt behind Sugarcube Corner." She winked at the two before hopping back into the kitchen.

Featherweight turned, tipped his hat to Diamond, flashed her a final goofy grin, and shot out of the alley. Diamond swiveled her head around to Pinkie, who was still staring at her with that face-splitting grin. The kitchen door slowly swung shut, blocking the crazy mare from view, and Diamond took off through the other end of the alley.

* * * *

Twilight Sparkle sat back in her own chair, sipping on her coffee once again and reading through the newspaper. It was third day in the endless stream of absurd laws and regulations that were pouring out of the Mayor's office like chunky salsa. Today's main feature included provisions for small businesses to be shut down if they didn't meet certain "productivity quotas," the definitions of such being vague at best.

Twilight sighed, putting down the paper. "Don't worry," she whispered to her mug of coffee, "Princess Celestia will come down and everything will be fine." She lightly spun the warm drink, watching it slosh against the sides of the ceramic mug. "You just have to wait out this storm of stupid until then," she spat, almost spilling the coffee. She sipped at her beverage again, humming in approval and nodding. "It'll all be over soon."

The nearby crystalline door burst open, and a little pink filly walked in, nose held high. Spike jogged in after her, saying, "Twilight, I tried to stop her. She says she needs to speak with you, but she wouldn't say why."

The alicorn gazed down at Diamond Tiara, her purple head tilting to one side. She grinned softly after a moment, waving a hoof. "Oh, it's okay, Spike. I'm pretty sure this is one of Rarity's sister's friends." She put down her coffee mug, leaning down toward the filly. "I remember you. If you're here to ask about Twilight Time making a comeback, you'll be pleased to know—"

Diamond held up a single pink hoof, silencing the mare. "No, that's not why I'm here. And you can keep Twilight Time to yourself, anyway; it was super boring." The filly curled around, ignoring Twilight's indignant scowl and reaching into her saddlebags. She made sure to check inside the envelope first before tossing it nonchalantly onto the crystal desk.

"What is this?" Twilight asked, picking up the envelope in her magic. "If this is a petition about my new house, you... can...." Twilight fell silent as the photographs scattered themselves across her desktop. The empty envelope fell from her magical grasp, and she snapped her head upward, hopping onto her hooves. "Spike, go play with your friends."

"Uh, I don't really—"

"Go help Rarity! Go now!"

"Okay, okay, geeze," Spike said, walking out. The doors slammed shut once he was gone, and the alicorn fell back onto her floor pillow.

Twilight's rapidly-moistening eyes took in the photos, her lower lip trembling. She ran a hoof down one, caressing the familiar face of her assistant printed upon it. She stifled a sob, holding a hoof to her mouth as tears slid from her eyes. Her face fell, becoming buried in her hooves as she silently wept.

The filly in the room cleared her throat after a minute, prompting the mare to peek through her hooves. "It would be such a shame if these happened to find their way onto Princess Celestia's desk," Diamond said with a vicious smirk, "don't you think?"

* * * *

Diamond Tiara plucked a smoothie from the platter before her, gave an experimental suck on the straw, and waved her butler away with a satisfied smile. She leaned back, slurping away at the tasty beverage.

"So," Silver said from her own chair, sitting up slightly, "how'd you convince Princess Twilight to let you do whatever, anyway?"

"Diplomacy, my dear Silver Spoon. Diplomacy." Diamond directed a hoof to her other side, explaining, "My little spy dug up something she wanted very much to stay buried."

Featherweight leaned forward to meet Silver's gaze, silently raising his own glass at her before leaning back again. Silver just rolled her eyes, reclining against her seat and wondering how Diamond ever managed to pass her Equestrian language exams.