Outta My Mind

by re- Yamsmos

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Sex, Slice of Life, Crossover, Main 6, Applejack, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 167165

There's a new pony in Ponyville, today. He seems really nice, and he laughs funny, and *may* be a little insane, but he's here to stay. Let's just hope that Ponyville is ready for him.

It's a fine, practically beautiful Saturday morning in Ponyville. The sun is shining, the grass is green, and ponies are getting out and about to enjoy the summer day. On her daily toil, Applejack discovers a lone blue pegasus with an odd white mask strapped to his face. He seems pretty nice, and he laughs funny, and may be a little insane, but he's here to stay. That's no big deal, the Apple family is nothing if not hospitable.

But, why does Applejack have an odd feeling about him?

This fic, while marked complete, does not have a concrete ending. If you're new, please keep this in mind. The final chapter is, as it says, an addendum, and details what would have happened had the story continued. Said chapter wraps things up well in my opinion, so the story is thus marked complete.

Damn I miss this story sometimes. I'm sorry, all.

Stop fucking favoriting this you assholes. I keep seeing notifications for it and get sad again.

Published 2014-09-27 14:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2017-11-13 23:49:26 UTC

Aych Too Oh

"...and forty bits for the table..."

The coins clattered onto the desk.

"...and, uh.. twenty for the lunch tray..."

"Yeah yeah yeah..."

Another clattering.

The mare behind the front desk gave the orange mare a toothy grin before returning to her papers, back to work. Applejack sighed, "Thank ya Nurse. Ah really appreciate it.... and uh, sorry 'bout him-"

"It's no problem, Miss Applejack. If you'll excuse me, I have some papers to fill out."

"Oh, sorry. Thanks again," Applejack repeated, turning away from the desk and trotting toward the waiting room of the hospital, opening the door with a look of fatigue on her face. As she stepped into the blank white room, she saw her brother silently standing near the small coffee table lined with magazines. Noticing that he wasn't sitting down, Applejack gave a small comment, "He'll be fine, Mac. You don't gotta worry about nothin'."

The stallion straightened, "But Ah am, AJ. He was injured on mah farm, mah land, and he even saved your life even though he woulda died. And Ah wasn't there to help you-"

Applejack raised a hoof, beginning to grow unimpressed at her brother's blaming of himself, "And that ain't yer fault. You were a long ways away in the other end of the field. There's no way you would've been able to hear anything unless you heard somepony screamin'-"

Mac's brow furrowed, "Oh, Ah heard 'im screamin' alright."

Applejack bit her lower lip. He had her there.

"That's still no reason to be blamin' yourself. The doctors said he'll make a speedy recovery. He didn't even hurt anythin' all too bad," she reassured, turning her head toward the door and quietly adding, "save for a few ribs..."

As if on cue, the door to the main hall flew open, crashing into the walls next to it with a loud crack. Bouncing into the waiting room was a certain pink mare, her mane bobbing up and down as she smiled at her friend.

"Pinkie Pie? What the hay are you doin' here?"

The party mare's response was filled with wonderment, "Duh, why else would I be here? There's a new pony in town, HI MAC!" the mare suddenly yelled, waving furiously to Applejack's brother with an ear-to-ear grin, "and I wanna plan a party for him! Where is the guy, anyway?"

Applejack sighed, casting a glance toward the clock and watching as the minute hand ticked to 11:37.

Ah really don't need this right now...

Yeah ya do!

Applejack jumped in fright as she heard the echoing of Pinkie's voice reverberating through her head, staring in complete shock as her friend gave a wink in response, "You really need to stop thinking out loud," she suddenly appeared next to Applejack, pulling one ear toward her mouth and whispering creepily, "somepony'll hear you."

Lightly shoving Pinkie off of her, Applejack wiped her brow with a free hoof, "Pinkie, ya mind doin' me a favor?"

"Yupperooni!" she replied happily, sliding into view next to the magazine stack to Applejack's left, a pen and paper in hoof, "what'cha need? If you want 'em dead, just give me a call-"

"No no no- what?" Applejack questioned, the pink mare giving a raised brow and a slight shake of her head, "ya know what? Never mind, not mah business. Can y'all go and get the girls? Ah think they might as well get to know the guy before he wakes up."

Pinkie threw herself in front of Applejack, her hoof pointed in a firm salute and a dark green helmet atop her head, "Yes ma'am! On my way, ma'am!" Turning tail, she bounced out, the war helmet on her head jumping high into the air and landing back onto its owner as she took a right, disappearing from Applejack's vision. The mare wiped her brow, sighing in content.

"Oh, thank Celestia.."

A distant voice called out, "Don't worry! I will!" in return.

Applejack facehoofed. From behind her, she heard the deep voice of her brother calling her name. Turning her head, she asked in a hushed voice, "...what is it, Big Macintosh?"

She found the stallion standing next to a water cooler in the corner of the room, staring at her in silence before giving a short reply, "Ya thirsty? You're sweatin', and Ah know it ain't because a how hot it is in here."

"No, Ah'm fine Mac. Just need ta sit down for a sec. A few seconds of Pinkie Pie is all Ah can handle for a day. Hay, maybe even a lifetime."

Practically falling into the small, black and metallic chair, the mare let her forelegs slide off the armrests and hang off the sides, neither noticing nor caring as her hat shifted upward, before it fell to the tiled floor underneath her. Shutting her eyes, she gave a long, almost dramatically drawn-out sigh, trying her hardest to get some shut-eye as she waited for her friends to arrive.

The sound of water splattering into a cup rushed through the room, the mare knowing full well what was causing it as she threw her hooves into her face and rubbed her cheeks in annoyance. The sound repeated not a few seconds after. Applejack groaned audibly as she heard it, before it fell silent and was replaced with heavy hoofsteps coming her way.

When they stopped as well, Applejack swore under her breath, suppressing the urge to leer at what she knew was her brother next to her. Throwing her eyes open, she found the red stallion, a smile on his face and a small foam cup sitting on the bottom of his outstretched hoof. On the table was his own cup, its contents splishing and sploshing around as the coffee table teetered in the low wind of the overhead fan.

"Ah swear to Faust-"

"You really need to drink some water. You're gonna go delirious, and Ah honestly don't need that."

The mare swiped the cup from his hoof, coiling her hoof around it and chugging it down in one swig. Breathing in fresh air in retaliation, she placed the foam ware onto the table, trying her best to make as loud as a sound she could muster, succeeding only in making a low thump on the surface of the wooden counter.

Looking up at her brother, forelegs akimbo, she glared in annoyance, the stallion rolling his eyes and reclining in his own chair, silently sipping his own water as the two sat quietly.

And then suddenly, the door to the main hall opened and brought forth a flood of ponies that trotted over to her in a tightly grouped circle, looks of concern on each of their faces, save for the cyan mare suppressing a large yawn that she barely stuffed into a free hoof. Nipping loudly, she took no notice to the glare from the white mare next to her, listening intently as the purple alicorn in front of them opened her mouth to speak, "Applejack, Pinkie told us to come as fast as we could! What happened?"

"Is Granny Smith in the hospital?" Rainbow asked, poking her head out from behind Twilight.

"Is she going to be alright-"

"Did Apple Bloom catch the Shuns? Oh dear, did she go someplace with Sweetie Belle?" Rarity asked, interrupting the yellow pegasus who quietly backed off with the action.

"Ponyfeathers, be quiet!" Applejack yelled, leaning up out of her seat with a glare on her features and clenched teeth barely stopping her from cursing right then and there, "c'mon, y'all know better than to just ask questions! One at a time, Ah swear to Faust y'all are growin' crazier by the day..."

"Me first!" Rainbow called, swooping next to Applejack with a cocky grin on her face, which quickly turned into a grimace of horror, "is Granny Smith in here?"

Applejack raised a hoof to respond, but was cut off by her cyan friend, "Oh gosh, I hope she isn't, she makes the best pies in the world-"

"Rainbow-"

"It'd be horrible if she died! I mean, who else would make my Sweet Apple Tarts?"

"Rainbow, Ah-"

"Oh my Faust, is she coughing a lot? Is she smelly? Maybe she's catching Cordyceps, next thing you know I'll be stuck in Ponyville with nopony but Twilight and Scootaloo! That would be awesome! But Faust, that would be horrible too. I mean, what if-"

"Rainbow!"

The pegasus looked over at her with a blank look on her face, seemingly not realizing she was rambling about nothing.

"Yeah?"

"Please be quiet," Applejack said, dragging her face down with her right hoof. The pegasus gave her an unamused look, but allowed her to continue.

"Granny ain't in the hospital. She ain't sick, she hasn't gotten the Cordy-whatchamacallit you were babblin' 'bout. She's fine," she stated matter-of-factly, watching as Rainbow Dash gave a sigh of relief. Looking over her friends, she added, "And where's Pinkie Pie?"

Rainbow threw a hoof up, Applejack letting out a breath of annoyance before pointing to the cyan mare, "She said she had to plan a party or something! Then she just left without saying a-"

Clopping her hooves together, Applejack suddenly shouted, "Who's next?"

"I think it's important that we know what actually happened, Applejack, instead of making false assumptions, Rainbow-" Twilight responded, looking over to Rainbow with a playful glare.

"Hey look, I was just worried and all. Fungus sucks," she defended, throwing her front hooves into the air as she hovered midair, aided by her wings.

"Alright," Applejack finalized, crossing her forelegs and sighing, "y'all okay with Twilight goin' next? Or do y'all have somethin' else to go on about?"

"No, it's quite alright."

"It's fine."

Nodding at Rarity and Fluttershy, she turned her head toward Twilight.

"Okay. So. What happened, Applejack?" the alicorn asked with concern.

Applejack cleared her throat in preparation to explain, before raising a single hoof lazily into the air and beginning, "Well, Ah-"

"Miss Applejack!"

The two doors swung open once again, a light brown stallion with a stethoscope as a cutie mark standing in the doorway, a clipboard hovering next to him in a cyan aura.

Applejack slowly got up from her chair, popping her neck and her legs before asking, "What is it, Doctor Clean? He gonna be alright?"

The mare noticed the doctor began to bite his lip in response.

"Well, he's uh, he's awake! We were able to put him in a cast for his broken wing, but he wasn't really.... okay with us actually doing it..." as his blue eyes wandered the ponies looking at him with looks of concern on their faces, he caught sight of a certain purple alicorn, suddenly bowing down in her presence, "I'm sorry, your Honor. I didn't know you were here. Please forgive me."

Twilight, despite the blush on her cheeks, waved the stallion off with a hoof, "Please, there's no need for that at all. The whole Princess thing is just a side thing; I'm still the librarian of Ponyville."

"Oh, of- of course, Miss Sparkle. As you wish."

Turning to Applejack, he bit his lower lip again, before slowly informing his audience, "You're.... welcome to see him and maybe... calm him down. One of our doctors is working with him and we uh...."

Applejack blinked in silence before cautiously asking, "You what...?"

"We uh, we haven't heard from him in awhile. An hour ago, he told us he was going to put a soundproofing spell on the room so we can... uh... retain our hearing."

A slow, "Uh...." came from behind Applejack. Without looking behind her, the mare looked to the ceiling and bluntly explained, "Retain means 'keep', Rainbow."

"Oh."

"Anywho, if you'll just follow me please, I'll show you where he is," Clean said, waving a hoof out of the room and to the ponies' left, trotting slowly next to the orange mare who led the way, her brother walking behind the group in silence. As the group walked toward their destination, the ponies gradually found themselves scooting closer and closer to each other, various tables, trays, and sploshes and smears of various fluids along the hall causing them to have to go through tighter holes to reach the stallion's room.

Walking past an intricate pattern of a trio of scalpels nestled deep into a white wall to their right, the Doctor ducked underneath a pair of scissors, raising a hoof and knocking on the door next to it, "Doctor Shaft?"

Applejack heard a stifled giggle from behind her.

As if not noticing the cyan mare's amusement, Doctor Clean knocked once again, calling, "Doctor Shaft? Your patient's accomplices want to speak with him."

Looking toward the ponies standing patiently behind him, Doctor Clean cleared his throat, casting a glance toward the door before commenting two very selective words.

"I'm scared."

"Eh, how bad could it be? Ah mean, Rainbow's scared a needles and all-"

"Hey!"

"-and she makes 'bout the same kinda mess every year when she comes in fer flu shots."

Doctor Clean slowly shook his head, "Just.. be prepared everypony."

Turning back toward the white entrance, he lit his horn, the door knob glowing cyan. The door slowly opened, and the hospital was suddenly filled with very loud, very inappropriate shouts and yells.

"Stay away from me you fuckin' bitch!"

Chkk chkk chkk! Suddenly jumping back, Clean barely avoided the sudden appearance of three scalpels in the door, each one landing perfectly next to each other as the stallion inside yelled in anger.

"I'll fuckin' shank you you bitch! Don't think about comin' over here with that!"

Applejack slowly walked past Doctor Clean, her friends following suit and entering the room with her.

What they saw caused their jaws to hang open in an odd mixture of both awe, and complete shock. The small white room was a complete mess, the walls, floor, and even the ceiling all but completely covered in yellow and red liquids that dripped from above their heads, the tables, counters, and now empty medicine cabinets not faring as well, their previous contents now strewn around the room and giving the room the feeling of post-frolicking foals.

Looking toward the other end of the room, they saw a blue stallion, a white mask strapped to his face and yet another scalpel coiled in his hoof, sweeping the makeshift weapon around the room and causing the dark purple mare nearest him to slowly step back, attempting to defuse the situation as she magicked a small needle and plunger next to her.

"It's just a flu shot! When you were hit by the Timberwolves, you could have contracted Barkhide!"

"Fuck off! Don't touch me with that shit!" the pegasus yelled, stabbing the air in front of him with his scalpel. Doctor Shaft growled a low growl, but almost instantly reverted back to her reassuring tone of voice.

"Please, calm down sir! I'm only trying to help!" The needle next to her squirted a few drops of yellow liquid onto the floor.

"This is fuckin' bullshit!" the pegasus shouted, his head swiveling every which way in an attempt to avoid any unnoticed interference. Turning to his left, he stopped, his dark blue eyes on the orange mare currently staring at him in utter shock, "you!"

Applejack's eyes shifted from her left to her right uncomfortably.

"Yeah, you!"

Applejack cursed in silence.

"Tell this fucking bitch not to stick me with her fuckin'.... needle! I saved your ass, fucking help me here!"

Applejack looked in the corner of her eye, finding Doctor Shaft grimacing to her left, her horn alight with green, a clipboard floating next to her.

"If you won't cooperate sir, at least fill out your name on this form-"

"Bitch, I'm not signin' no fucking paper!"

"We need your information strictly for medical purposes, sir-"

"Fuck you," the stallion shouted, stabbing the air in front of him, "and fuck your papers!"

The pegasus jumped onto the table next to him, the various tools and paper on it cleanly flying off and falling to the floor below. Silently glaring at the ponies staring at him, he stamped his front hooves onto the metallic table, his eyes narrowing in anger until he finally shouted at the top of his lungs.

"My name is H2O Delirious, motherfuckers!"

Applejack threw a hoof into her face.

"That's a nice name-"

"You lyin' bitch!"

Dih-Leer-Ee-Uhs

"You're a dick."

"Mister, we are only trying to help you-"

The pegasus sat on top of one of the counters in the room, a glare in his eyes, a permanent frown upon his mask, and his forelegs akimbo in front of him as his hindlegs dangled freely in the air. Looking away from the doctor currently filling up her plunger, Delirious gave a sigh of annoyance.

"Helping doesn't usually involve needles, you bitch," he said, turning to look at Dr. Shaft with a glare.

"Okay, now that's not really that nice-"

"Fuck you."

"Delirious, ya don't have ta be so rude."

Delirious turned his head toward the orange mare, eyes narrowed in anger as she stared at the blue pegasus sitting on the counter, "Dr. Shaft is only trying to help you, and you're just bein' a sourpuss 'bout it."

"I fuckin' hate needles," he spat, arms crossed in annoyance. His eyes shifted around the room, and then he added, "actually, fuck hospitals in general. Not like I even got a fuckin' choice," he assured, looking down at the purple aura surrounding his body.

"This shit fuckin' sucks."

"Please hold still-"

"Fuck you bitch! Don't fuckin' tell me what to do."

"OKAY. THAT'S IT."

Delirious looked down, his blue eyes finding the purple doctor walking the opposite direction.

"I'M DONE. I'M NOT BUCKING DOING THIS ANYMORE."

The group of ponies still sitting next to the doorway stood wide-eyed and jaw dropped in silence as the purple doctor stormed out of the room, shoving her way through the ponies who parted to allow her to leave. She turned left as she exited the doorway, her yells of anguish and annoyance continuing to echo through the halls until the sounding of a door slamming shut was heard.

Their eyes switched to the blue pegasus, who sat in utter silence in accompaniment of them, save for the single hoof subconsciously rubbing his stomach as he looked with disinterested eyes. Noticing the ponies staring at him, he didn't even bother to look at them as he said, "Fuckin' bitch. You can't deal with Delirious, mother fucker."

Reclining back onto the counter, he continued to rub his belly, ears perking up at the sound of a deep Southern twang, "So your name's Delirious?"

The pegasus sat up, turning his head to Mac, mask frowning, "That's right."

"No joke, uh?" Mac replied, nudging his sister with a hoof.

"Shut yet dang mouth, Big Macintosh," she spat.

"You two fuckin' or somethin'?"

The siblings both turned their heads to Delirious, their eyes the sizes of pinpricks as if not noticing the uproarious laughs sounding out from the cyan mare next to them.

"That a yes or a no?"

The orange mare shook her head vigorously, the expression on her face changing into one of annoyance, "That'd be a firm no, Sugarcube. Mac's mah brother-"

Delirious hopped off the counter top, thanks to the purple aura having disappeared when Doctor Shaft had left. As he nipped in a seemingly tired manner, he idly reached a hoof toward his rear, scratching his butt while a loud, meaty-sounding scraping was heard throughout the room.

"Mah fuckin' ass itches..."

The ponies at the doorway suppressed the urge to cringe.

Retrieving his hoof from his rear, Delirious moved it toward his face, squinted an eye at the residue on his hoof, and firmly wiped it on his body the same way one would brush off dust. Turning back toward Applejack, the pegasus yawned, stretching his arms out as he fell onto his haunches.

"God, I'm fuckin' hungry."

It was Twilight's turn to speak as she raised a hoof to help him, "There's a cafeteria in the hospital."

"Thank God, I need fooood."

"If you want, we could grab a bite to eat there so we could get to know you better," Twilight said with a smile.

Delirious got back up, already walking toward the door.

"I need fooooooooood."

Twilight raised a brow, but still smiled in amusement nevertheless, "Well then, let's do it," turning to Doctor Clean, she looked him up and down, adding, "You're welcome to join us if you want, Doctor-"

"I'm, uh... afraid I'll have to refuse your offer, Mrs. Sparkle. All due respect, but I think I might need to go talk to Doctor Shaft and convince her to come back..." Clean said with a wince, ears flattening against his head.

Twilight, mimicking the motion, apologized, "I'm sorry-"

"It's not your fault."

The two ponies looked toward the doorway, finding the other four ponies near it staring at the blue stallion with his head fixated on Twilight.

"Stupid bitch thought she could shank me with her fuckin' needles. That shit's fucked up."

Doctor Clean rubbed the back of his head, still staring toward the ground.

"Heh. Anyway, where the fuck is the food? I need foooo-"

"Down the hall, take a left."

Delirious suddenly disappeared from the doorway at the drop of a hat, the sound of hooves clip-clopping against tile echoing to the room from down the hall as the stallion sprinted to the cafeteria. As the room fell silent, the ponies still inhabiting it looked at one another, before the red Earth pony suddenly broke the ice with a monotone, "AJ?"

His sister looked over to him swiftly, "Yeah Mac?"

"Ah best get back to the farm if y'all are gonna be here. Can't let the fields go unharvested after all."

"Alright, Big Macintosh. Ah'll be over in a few hours, ya hear?"

As he turned to leave, the stallion only replied, "Eeyup," and calmly walked out of the area, taking a right and opening the door, leaving both his sister and her friends behind to do their family chores.

The mares looked toward the remaining stallion in the room, who coughed into a hoof and adjusted his stethoscope, stuttering, "W-well, I uh, I need to get back to work."

"But what of the hospital bill?" Rarity asked suddenly.

"Well," Doctor Clean began, reaching for a clipboard, "we didn't really do too much on the surgery part. As you could see, he no longer had the gauze around his wings when we came in, so I see no reason in putting it back on if it doesn't cause a problem-"

"Oh my Faust! What is he doing?!"

"Bitch, I'm tryin' ta eat here! Shut your fuckin' mouth!"

Doctor Clean blinked in utter silence, a barely-countable smile on his face as he stared in silence, before turning his head toward Twilight, who looked to the left side of the floor and smiled awkwardly, cheeks red with sheepishness.

"There doesn't seem to be a problem with his wings, so I suppose..."

The Doctor trailed off, leaning toward the door and listening for an interruption. Receiving none, he continued, "...so I suppose there's no reason to charge you for something he won't need. As well as the fact that he did not receive the shot we had intended for him, but, seeing as how he's not already spewing leaves out of his mouth, I think he's fine. But, still, it comes down to the cost of him being in a bed that he didn't once occupy...."

"No worries," Rarity said, trotting up to the stallion, "I can pay. It's not.. too expensive though, is it?"

Clean waved her off with a hoof, "No worries, Miss Rarity," he assured, giving a soft smile, "it's only a small sum...."

A small coin-purse levitated into his view, placing itself onto the table with a light blue aura. Looking back up, he found the white mare concentrating on the purse, her horn a-lit in the same blue aura as she asked simply, "How much then?"

"Rarity, you don't have to do this-"

"I will not stand idly by as my friends sacrifice their own wares for the sake of somepony else," she snapped, her mouth scrunched up in an attempt to muddle the situation.

Turning her head, she gave a soft smile, "But thank you for the offer, nevertheless." She turned back to Doctor Clean, who gave her a soft smile that almost screamed admiration.

"How much?"

"Two-hundred."

The coins clattered onto the table instantly, Doctor Shaft raising a surprised brow at the mare being able to pay the usually hefty amount of bits. Every once in awhile he had had to perform the painful action of delivering the bill to un-wealthy patients, but this time he found a mixture of complete surprise, and general appreciation of the mare's selflessness. Looking back to the mare, she struck a pose and lightly touched her mane, commenting, "I'm the Element of Generosity after all. It's only fair."

Applejack rolled her eyes, but remained silent.

"What are you doing?!"

THUMP THUMP.

"AIEEEEEE!"

"Oh my Faust-"

"Shut the fuck up you bitches!"

The ponies looked to one another in silence, a look of worry on their faces, before Twilight spoke up, "Maybe, uh, maybe we should go check on him."

"Of course, Miss Sparkle," Doctor Clean replied with a short nod, seemingly unfazed by what was happening in the cafeteria. Already trotting out of the room, he stopped at the threshold, turned his head, and asked, "Do try to make sure he hasn't made a mess of the ice cream machine. I swear, one of our patients- think his name was Gump or something rather- was all around that machine when he was in here. We had to repair it fifteen times, and I don't want to see it under the bill again. Okay?"

The mares nodded in silence, apologetic looks on their faces. The stallion flashed a smile, before trotting to the right and proceeding down the hallway, the mares following him out but opting to stand in the corridor, looking at each other.

"Well... Ah suppose we should go check on Delirious..."

"I'm sure he's fine."

"Yeah, he seems cool.... if a bit crazy."

"I, uh, I think he's-"

"Well, it's decided!" Twilight disclaimed, giving a wide grin to her friends, "let's get to the cafeteria! It's time to make a new friend!"

The mares gave a mighty "Hurray!" before smiling at one another, trotting toward the mess hall with calm, happy composure, but at a noticeably brisk pace, which slowly sped up until the mares were in a full-on sprint down the hallway, their heads lowered as they passed numerous rooms, doctors and nurses looking toward them with annoyed looks on their faces, before they turned a left, sprinting into the cafeteria with looks of shock on their faces.

"Ya never cease ta amaze me, Sugarcube..." Applejack said with a deadpan, looking toward the far wall of the room.

In the center of a group of nurses, all three currently wailing in disgust, was the blue pegasus, spread-eagled on the tiled white and black floor, a large, silver, metallic machine on a counter providing a torrent of what the mares, who were friends with Pinkie Pie, immediately recognized as chocolate ice cream, the cold treat flowing onto his mask and splattering it dark brown.

"Oh man... it's like God's shittin' in my mouth it's so fuckin' good."

The mares at the entrance, for what was the umpteenth time that day, stood in silence. Suddenly, without warning, Rainbow Dash flew into the air, her expression one of complete disbelief as she yelled, "Are you bucking crazy?!"

And with that, Delirious suddenly threw his hoof into the machine, landing a hit on a lever which stopped the ice cream's flow immediately. Not getting up, he turned his masked face toward Rainbow Dash, who still hovered in the air with her hooves out in a non-believing W shape.

His mask stared at her, brown stains covering the mouth area. And then he spoke in a low tone, as if the question was enough to set him off.

Unfortunately, in this scenario, that was so.

"Bitch, I'm outta my fuckin' mind."

Keep 'er Goin

"Oh yeah... ooooooooh yeah bitch."

"Dude, you hear that?"

"Yeah! We're close."

The two teenage colts looked at one another, mischief in their eyes and springs in their steps as they stalked through the alley, stealing glances at one another as they advanced toward the couple who were doing the naughty.

The one in front gave a snicker, turning his head to look at his unicorn friend behind him, the shade from the buildings to their left and right almost camouflaging him and his black coat. Opening his mouth, he gave a low whisper, "Dude, we're getting closer!"

His friend mouthed an "I know," in reply, before he motioned forward with his head, causing the colt in front to sigh in annoyance and turn his head, his attention refocused on their destination. The air that was currently reaching them was musky and hot, as if they were living down in the desert-scorched Badlands to the south. Combining that with the almost non-existent amount of sunlight that reached them, they were almost sick to their stomachs. But, with that, the smell came.

And oh Faust, the smell.

"Blazer, who do you think it is?"

Blazer stopped at a corner, placing his right hoof on the brick wall and peering around it as he replied, "Hell if I know. Could be the Cakes for all I know-"

His friend gagged from behind him, "Ech, do we really wanna be following if it's them? They sell us our buckin' pies for Faust's sake."

"So? You don't think Mrs. Cake is hot?" Blazer asked, turning his head.

"God no!" he practically yelled, throwing his hooves over his mouth in retaliation. Reverting to a whisper, he added, "Are you bucking serious-"

"No! Just, uh, just forget it!" Blazer stuttered, eyes looking from left to right in panic.

The two sat in silence for what seemed like ages, until his friend broke it with a simple, "Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

Silence.

"You're bucking weird, no wonder you don't have a marefriend-"

"Look man!" Blazer snapped, bearing his teeth, "you don't have one either! That's why we're buckin' doing this in the first place! Now shut up, and follow me."

Blazer waved a hoof over to his friend as he turned the corner, beginning to trot down the long alleyway. His unicorn companion stepped lightly with him, and before they knew it, they were at the corner of where the couple was.

"So Blazer?"

"Yeah Sky?"

"I think I already have a situation going on-"

"Dude! What the hell?!"

Sky flailed his two front legs in the air, his brow raised in alarm, "Blazer! Shut up! We're gonna get caught!"

"Oh man, this feels so fuckin' good girl..."

Blazer turned his head back to Sky, "They're right around this corner."

"Lemme go first-"

"I'm the one who followed them here, I go first."

Ignoring the subtle, "Fine," from his friend, Blazer took a deep breath, not wishing to disturb the couple in favor of not being discovered. Slowly turning his head around the corner, he found the end of the alleyway, completely shrouded in darkness. Raising a brow, Blazer's ears perked up at the sound of, "FUCK YES. FUCKIN' DO IT GODDAMMIT!"

Biting his lower lip, he looked toward the dark, narrowing his eyes in an attempt to look for any sign of movement. Finding none, he felt the familiar sensation of sweat dripping down his forehead. Looking every which way, he turned his head back toward his friend, who perked up at his notice. Shaking his head toward the alley, Sky lit up his horn, and a sudden, bright green glow emanated from the tip.

The two stared at each other, nodded, and turned the corner, the green light illuminating the dead end of the alleyway.

The two bore mischievous grins, expecting to find two ponies doing the dirty, expecting privacy.

Instead, the green light cast an admittedly creepy glow upon the figure of a light blue pegasus, a white, permanently frowning mask placed over his face. Sitting on his haunches, his right foreleg was preoccupied, moving forward and back rapidly above his groin.

"Sup bitches."

The two teenage colts screamed.

Out of the alleyway and into the blinding sunlight they fled, both colts diverging from each other and stopping on the adjacent walls, breathing heavily. Staring forward, they found the sight of ponies who were calmly going about their day, some in particular instead stopping to stare at the colts, who stared right back as they hyperventilated from what they had just seen.

Their stomachs rising and falling with each breath they took, they turned toward each other, neither making a movement to even so much as talk.

Suddenly, a pegasus stepped out of the alleyway next to them, nonchalantly staring forward into the street. Slowly, he turned his head as if on a swivel to look at both colts, before he suddenly fell to his haunches, reaching toward his crotch and summoning a baseball bat out of thin air. He raised the end and patted it against his free hoof.

"Y'all better leave nowww!"

"Ahhhhh!" the colts screamed, sprinting as fast as they could onto the streets, turning a left and running toward their homes.

The pegasus stood there, chuckling to himself as he holstered the bat, the weapon disappearing completely as Delirious began to walk out into the middle of the road, blue eyes squinted in the broad daylight as he searched for something to do.

He felt odd, standing in the middle of the street as incredibly easy vehicular fodder, visibly unaware of everything else around him as he looked every which way for anything, anything to entertain him.

Falling to his haunches, he crossed his arms and groaned in annoyance, his blue eyes staring into the cloudless sky.

Sighing, he released his grip on both his arms, allowing the appendages to fall idly to the floor as he lamented, "Goddammit, why the fuck is it so fuckin' boring here?"

It had been a couple hours since Delirious had left the hospital, the doctors telling him that he would need to rest to allow his wings and his body to heal up from the Timberwolves that had attacked him. Quite frankly, Delirious didn't give a fuck, having discarded both wrappings of gauze immediately after leaving the front doors of the hospital in favor of his own being. The mares he had met were all too happy to guide him around the town, but he had instead told them he could handle himself. Despite not approving of his bandage removal, they left for the purple one's library. In the middle of their conversation while leaving, Delirious had overheard the word treehouse while they discussed their destination.

It was simple. Delirious made it a personal goal of his to avoid any such treehouses, so as to not run into any of the admittedly annoying mares.

And that was one thing he would do.

Sighing once again, he sat idly in the sunlight, his tail twitching involuntarily at the first sign of sweat that began to drip down his forehead. He seethed, not wanting to take off his mask to assess the situation, and instead opted to stand by in utter silence to pass the time.

He didn't exactly want to blow up anything in the town just yet. There wasn't much to go by on terms of explosive destruction.

Yet.

Delirious fell to the dirt by his hooves, splaying his legs out like a ragdoll as he lay there, baking like a stuffed turkey in the practically burning sun.

Not to imply that he's fat or anything.

And then, suddenly, without warning, was his escape, his redemption. The sound of mass applause and cheering met his ears, which perked up at the catching of the crowd-gathering sound.

"Fuck yes!" he yelled, scrambling to his hooves, "finally! God, I was so fuckin' bored! Thank God, man!"

Sprinting toward the noise, he turned a corner and found a large crowd that could rival any of his car-band's concerts, their absolutely amazing rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb aside. Popping his neck, he trotted into the crowd of ponies, all but shoving them out of his way as he attempted to make it to the front to have a better viewing position of the show.

"Move you fuckin' bitch! I'm tryin' ta see here!"

Ignoring the pained cries of anger that resounded after every push and part of the ponies, he found himself at the front. Turning his head to look at the other ponies in his row, he found the five mares he was trying to avoid standing next to him, along with a small purple dragon who sat in awe-inspired silence as he stared straight. The orange one was the closest to him, her green eyes turning his way before she suddenly called above the deafening cry of the mass, "Howdy Delirious! Come ta see the show too?"

Delirious raised a brow, suppressing the growing urge to place an explosive on the ground right and there, replying, "Fuck yeah, sure. What the hell's happenin'?"

"Can't quite say fer sure, Sugarcube?" she replied. Turning her head to the cyan one next to her, she asked, "Y'know what's happenin' here, Rainbow?"

The pegasus shook her head, yelling back, "Be quiet AJ! It's starting!"

The orange mare looked back to Delirious, giving him a sly smile and a shake of her head, "Well Sugarcube, beats me. Might as well wait and see then, huh?"

Delirious gave a silent nod, brow narrowed in suspicion. Gazing toward the stage, he noticed that it was nothing notably unique. It was a simple, but large wooden square, with a pair of red curtains extending to the middle from either side and concealing anything that may have been hiding behind it pretty efficiently. In the middle of the stage was something that struck him as really, really weird, however. A single white post stood idly, a large gate attached to it, swinging in the low wind and creaking loudly.

"What the fuck...?" Delirious wondered, voice trailing off as the curtains suddenly began to part ways.

A flurry of excitement suddenly emanated from the large crowd that had formed, ponies left and right proclaiming their not being able to wait for the performance. The curtains stopped.

And in its wake stood a red Earth pony, black sunglasses covering his eyes as he smiled at the audience, who were quite frankly losing themselves at the stallion's appearance. Standing like this, observing the roaring audience, he pushed a hoof into his black and white mane, the spiky, swept-back hair following the appendage and snapping back to their previous spots.

Emblazoned on his flank was a white symbol, two letters next to each other in an admittedly awesome font, the V and G shining brightly on his flank, a contrast to his entirely red body.

Delirious let his mouth droop a little bit as he groaned, "God fucking dammit..."

"Sup guys!" he suddenly yelled, a single hoof waving toward the crowd.

Delirious' eyes darted to the stallion, and then to the gate, and as he heard the Earth pony yell out a simple introduction, they darted back to the performer.

"Now, if I could have a volunteer to come up onto the stage for my next trick-"

A roar from the crowd resounded yet again, hooves left and right raising high into the sky at the stallion's request.

"Alright! Uh, you! The girl with the rainbow hair! Come on up here!"

"YES!" Rainbow yelled, flaring her wings and flying onto the stage. Looking at the stallion with a sly grin, she shook his open hoof, "Name's Rainbow Dash."

"Well Rainbow, go behind the gate, alright?"

"Alright!" the mare said, trotting around the stallion and looking at him from behind the post, "what now?"

The stallion gave a toothy grin, stepping in front of the gate, "what I want you to do, is stand up against the post where it meets the gate."

"Okay..." Rainbow replied, doing as she was told. Leaning up against the post, she made sure to place a foreleg over the gate as well. Turning back toward the stallion, she looked at him expectantly.

"Alright!" the performer shouted, turning tail and facing the crowd once more, "are you guys ready?!"

A flurry of agreement rose from the crowd in a deafening roar, the stallion onstage raising a hoof to his ear and smiling coyly. The crowd's volume increased in response, to the point where Delirious found himself shaking his head to drown out the ear-bleedingly loud cries, his involvement as part of the crowd making it so much more worse to bear. Looking back to the stage, he screwed his eyes and focused on the stallion, who struck a pose as he waited for the ponies to calm down.

Delirious' eyes darted once again from the stallion, to the gate, and then to Rainbow Dash, and then back to the stallion.

"Oh shit."

"Okay everyone!" the stallion announced, waving his hooves in the air, "prepare to be astonished!"

As he turned tail, approaching the gate, Rainbow Dash raised a brow in confusion, biting her lower lip.

The stallion trotted into the gate, the crowd watching him barely a low hush as they observed his actions in silence. The suspense could kill, even before the masked pegasus in the front could so much as pull out his baseball bat.

The Earth pony calmly walked into the gate, and suddenly flew into the sky, disappearing into the clouds with a loud yell of fright.

Delirious, staring to the sky, allowed his eyes to widen to almost impossible levels, his mouth creaking agape in kind as he sputtered out a hushed, almost unnoticeable question.

"V-Vanoss?"

Author's Note

And then there were two! Everyone, welcome Vanoss to the Equestria Crew! :rainbowlaugh: Not sure if I nailed him quite as well as I did Delirious though. Tell me in the comments!

Despite the new addition, I don't feel very strongly about this chapter. I feel like something is off, but y'know what? I'll let you guys decide that! Thanks for everything guys, you've made it a blast to write this! Keep 'er Goin!

Hey Look It's A–

"Van-a-who now?"

"Vanoss! He's muh frieeeend, man!"

Applejack raised a brow in confusion, turning her gaze to Delirious, "That pony who flew into the sky just now? That's yer friend-"

"Hell yeah!" Delirious suddenly shouted, clopping his hooves together as he looked to the sky, his tail lightly flicking the dirt below him as he fell to his haunches in the sun, "that's one-a my best friends in the whole world!"

Applejack gave a short laugh, an awkward look on her face as she watched the stallion stare expectantly into the heavens. Raising a single brow even further up, the mare asked hesitantly, "Is that so now, Sugarcube-"

"Yeah, I just fuckin' said it, bitch. Pay attention," Delirious suddenly replied, turning his head and glaring at the orange mare. Gaining no response from the now dumbfounded Applejack at his sudden mood swing, he looked back to the white clouds hanging in the sky above him. He sat there yet again, his position on the floor akin to one of a dog waiting obediently for its owner. The wagging of Delirious' black tail only furthered Applejack's observation. She sighed heavily and turned tail to leave, the ponies who had watched the performer already having left once he flew into the sky.

Rainbow Dash suddenly appeared next to Applejack, folding her wings with a look of absolute glee in her face, "That was so awesome! Did you know how far he flew?!"

Her friend stopped, Rainbow stopping as well, "No, Ah didn't, Rainbow. Ah'm willin' ta bet you did, then?"

Rainbow blew a raspberry, waving a hoof in spite, "Hay no. I don't wanna waste the breath going up there to see. He's an Earth pony, just like you," she said with a prod of her friend, "he can help himself. He doesn't need me."

Applejack blinked twice in rapid succession, dumbfounded, "Sugarcube? Ya ever wonder that maybe he prob'ly hurt himself?"

Rainbow raised a hoof to reply, but was cut off by Applejack, "Now, Ah know Ah can handle somethin' like that, but Ah'm not so sure about him-"

"He's fine, he's fine."

"Rainbow-"

"AJ! Get off my flank! It's not like he's dead! Delirious seems to expect him to be alive, maybe we should too!" Rainbow interrupted, falling to her haunches and crossing her forelegs with a stern look on her face. Frowning, she stared at her friend, who attempted to turn away. Moving her head closer, her friend tried to even further her distance, only to fail as the farmpony gave a long sigh, turning back to her friend with a look of glumness.

"Fine. But if we hafta take another pony to the hospital, Ah'm tyin' you up and hangin' ya from the side of the barn."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

The two ponies glared at each other in silence, before they gave short nods, Applejack giving a blunt, "Ah swear ta Faust Rainbow-"

"Holy shit! Here he comes!"

The two mares suddenly turned their heads toward the outburst, finding a gleeful Delirious standing up on his tip-hooves. The white mask looked at them, the stallion's eyes wide and a smile obvious in his calling, "Guys, Vanoss is coming!"

"Whuh..?"

The two mares looked to where Delirious was pointing, and found a small hole in the cloud layer, the figure of something quickly falling toward the ground. Rainbow's mouth was wide open in confusion, while Applejack could only raise a brow as the duo watched from afar, Delirious being the only one showing any strong emotion as he stood in a pose reminiscent of a tiger ready to pounce, his tail wagging at a mile a minute in anticipation. His friend was coming, and he was sure as hell glad to have someone to talk to without them mentioning friendship every second.

As the object in the sky grew closer and closer, Delirious had to back up a ways into the middle of the street, his friend's trajectory leading him there. His glee never changing, Delirious waited eagerly for the Earth pony to fall to Earth. The object grew closer, and closer, and closer.

The object suddenly landed on the floor, a loud click presenting it.

Delirious stared at it unblinking, for the object was not his friend.

A small, rectangular box met his blue eyes, a wad of black tape wrapped around its body. A red timer glowed onto his mask, almost blinding him as it blinked rapidly.

Delirious mimicked it, blinking as well in time with the sticky bomb currently lying on the ground in front of him.

His eyes widened in realization.

"VANOSS YOU FUCKING-"

BOOM!

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were suddenly thrown to the floor, a large red and orange flower blossoming in Delirious' wake. They hit the dirt hard, knocking the wind out of them and causing them to breathe heavily in response. Shaking their heads, they shakily rose to their hooves and looked for Delirious.

His form lay still a few yards away from a large black crater in the grass, the hole smoking from the explosion.

"Delirious!" Applejack yelled, eyes wide with horror. The mare sprinted toward the pegasus, Rainbow following close behind.

The orange mare stopped as she stood over Delirious, a single hoof rising to her mouth in shock and tears pricking at her green eyes.

A red pool was beginning to form below Delirious' head, the white mask lying face-first in the stained grass. The stallion lay in a crumpled pose, as if he was caught in a violent hurricane and was thrown for miles. His wings stood crooked against his body, the feathers burnt to the tips, a crisp black.

"AJ...."

Rainbow slowly trotted up to her friend, a look of worry in her eyes. Applejack gave no response, only able to choke out a whimper as she watched the form of Delirious, as still as a statue.

Dead.

"Delirious...."

"Holy shit! Fuck you, Delirious!"

Rainbow turned her head, a glare on her face and a frown on her lips. A red Earth pony was rising from the ground, a sly smile on his features. Swiping dust off his forelegs, he subconsciously reached toward his belly, an object in hoof.

As the appendage returned to its previous position, empty, the stallion turned his head toward Rainbow with a wide grin on his face. Trotting toward her, he laughed loudly, "Thinking he could fool me..."

"What the buck is wrong with you?!"

The stallion raised a brow, his shades hiding his eyes as he frowned slightly.

"Hey man, Delirious had it coming-"

"Buck you!" Rainbow shouted, a hoof raised in the stallion direction as she glared in anger, "why would you do that?!"

The stallion fell to his haunches, raising his forelegs in mock surrender. Opening his mouth to defend himself, he was interrupted by Rainbow, who continued to yell at him furiously, "You just killed him! He was your friend, and you just murdered him!"

The stallion gave a soft glare, opening his mouth yet again to retaliate.

Another voice cut him off. But this one was not from Rainbow, whose eyebrow flew up in response.

"Fuck you Vanoss!"

The stallion turned his head and suddenly jumped back, a glistening knife stabbing into the empty air where he had previously stood. Quickly popping his neck, he sidestepped an angry Delirious, who was yelling in utter rage.

"Stop movin' you fuckin' bitch!"

The red Earth pony ducked underneath a horizontal swipe from Delirious, who looked down and found a golf club quickly launching itself into his chin. The pegasus flew a few feet into the air from the weapon's blow, Delirious falling to the floor in a crumpled mess. Scrambling to get up, he rolled over just in time to avoid the golf club's might, the head stuffing itself cleanly into the dirt with a low fft. Delirious reached toward his belly, brandishing a knife as his friend smiled evilly at him. He thrust his right hoof into the air above him, attempting to stab his friend in his stomach.

The Earth pony simply lifted his golf club slightly out of the dirt, stuck out his tongue, and yelled, "Fore!"

The club flew into Delirious' head, causing the pegasus to reach for the appendage with a cry of pain and an incredibly loud, "You mother fucker!"

His friend laughed in response, rising onto his hindlegs and holding the golf club to the sky. Delirious squinted, staring toward the sun and the pony currently standing over him. His eyes shrunk to pinpricks, and Delirious raised his forelegs over his face and screamed, "Nooo! Don't you fuckin' do it!"

The club flew down.

"FUCK YOU VANOSS."

Applejack and Rainbow Dash watched from afar, neither un-moving, their mouths wide open in a mixture of shock and horror. The body of Delirious that previously sat from the explosion was now completely gone, and as they looked to his dead body now, it too was beginning to blink, before it disappeared altogether. Looking at each other, both mares realized the other's like thoughts. Both mares wished to defend their friend from the red maniac, but somehow found themselves unable to move from their positions. Even so much as trying to move a hoof in the duo's direction was impossible.

"Delirious, just give up. It's just getting harder to watch now."

"You're a bitch, Vanoss."

The Earth pony swung his golf club around like a batter swinging at a baseball, striking Delirious in the right side of his head. With an, "Ah SHIT!" of agony, Delirious fell to the ground for the third time, clutching his head with a blue hoof. Looking back up, he shook his head violently as Vanoss stood over him on his haunches, patting the golf club's head with a free hoof.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Don't fuckin' kill me!"

"Just like old times Delirious," Vanoss said with a smirk, reaching toward his crotch with his weapon in hoof, the appendage coming back without it. Vanoss extended a hoof toward his friend, who raised a brow in suspicion but accepted the offering, reaching for the hoof with his own, rising from the ground with the help of his friend. Standing back on his four hooves, Delirious glanced at his friend, then swiped a hoof over his left foreleg, brushing the dust off himself after being on the ground so much.

Delirious looked back at Vanoss, and began to speak.

"Thanks for not killing me Van-"

A hoof smacked him in the face, knocking him back down to the cold ground, spread-eagle. Rubbing at his stinging cheek with a hoof, he whimpered an almost unnoticeable, "Fuck man..."

Vanoss gave a loud laugh, flailing his striking hoof as if he had a hangnail, "Damn Delirious, you almost broke my fucking hand."

Delirious rose to all fours again, glaring at Vanoss as he replied, "Fuck you!"

Vanoss could only give another hearty laugh in return, before he suddenly looked to his left, finding a crowd of ponies looking at the two with looks of shock, eyes wide and mouths gaping open. Most notable were the five mares glancing at them oddly, one in particular fainting into the claws of a small purple dragon, who grit his teeth under the added weight. A purple one gave a hurt look, as if seeing the two fighting broke her heart. A yellow one with wings hid behind her pink mane, sounds of stifled sobbing being the only noise from the crowd. The blue and orange mares in the front gave the same open-mouthed, wide-eyed faces as the rest of the crowd of ponies.

Delirious growled like a savage animal, throwing an accusing hoof toward the ponies and shouting, "The fuck are y'all lookin' at?!"

The ponies gave a loud, collective gasp, a select few quickly placing hooves over the ears of some fillies.

Vanoss raised a brow in annoyance, turning toward Delirious with a look of disgust, "Shut the hell up Delirious."

"Fuck you," Delirious replied, falling to his haunches and crossing his forelegs. The white mask frowned deeply, then turned to peer at Vanoss, who coughed into a free hoof, then rested the appendage and cleared his throat audibly. Waving toward the crowd, he announced, "Sorry about Delirious, everyone, he's just a little excited to see me...."

"Yeah, sure," Delirious shouted, then added under his breath, "asshole."

Vanoss patted the head of his friend softly, the blue stallion bobbing up and down with each motion as he smilingly reassured, "Anytime, friend."

The ponies continued to stare at the two, before they slowly began to step back. Vanoss, confused, gave a small frown, wondering about the crowd's sudden retreat. His eyes widened behind his shades, then quickly shrank to mere slits as he slowly glared down at his friend.

Delirious stared back up at him like a dog, a familiar round object grasped in his mask's mouth holes.

"Hey Vanoss."

"You son of a bitch."

The sound of a pin dropping emanated from the ground.

Delirious delivered one final chuckle, then finished their lives with a chill-wrenching insult.

"Fuck you."

B.F.F.U.

"You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me man."

"Ah'm sorry, Delirious, Ah really am," Applejack replied solemnly, her head lowered to the ground and her green eyes barely able to look up at him, "but y'all basically murdered yer friend, and seein' as how that's a crime.... well..." she continued, suddenly lifting her head and looking through the cell bars, "y'all are gonna be here for a few days-"

"That's fuckin' bullshit!" Delirious suddenly yelled, throwing a hoof into the brick wall next to him with anger, "He fuckin' started it."

"Y'all should be happy, usually you'd have been executed by now."

Delirious' head darted toward Applejack in silence, throwing his hoof lightly against the wall a final time before he straightened himself, "Fuck me, that's fucked up-"

"Well, like Ah said, y'all did kill yer friend here in the middle of the town..."

"Yeah, but-"

"...and it's really confusing considerin' y'all're still here even though yer supposed to be, well, dead."

Delirious stamped a hoof on the floor, glaring angrily, "But I'm not, bitch! I'm right fuckin' here!"

Applejack reeled a bit from his outburst, gritting her teeth and shutting an eye as if she had been smacked, "Ah guess that's the thing, Sugarcube," she said, glancing toward the wooden door leading to the owner's office, "Ah guess the Mayor doe'n't really know what ta think about all that."

The mare rubbed the back of her head involuntarily, a guilty look plastered on her face. Listening to nothing but the stallion's low breathing, Applejack looked at the clock, watching as the small hand clicked onto the 6 at the bottom of the circle, the large hand remaining over the hidden 5.

Suppressing a yawn, she turned her tired attention back to Delirious, finding the Pegasus preoccupied, his head slamming into the wall audibly, a groan emanating from his open mouth with each hit.

"Delirious?"

"What- ow- do you- ow- want you fuckin'- ow- bitch?"

"First of all," Applejack replied, stamping a hoof into the ground and raising her voice slightly, "stop callin' me that! That just ain't nice to say to somepony who saved yer life-"

"I coulda- ow- saved myself- ow- if that fuckin'- ow- root wasn't there..."

Applejack raised a hoof off the floor, Delirious noticing this and deciding against interrupting her as he continued to head-butt the wall in boredom.

"Second, y'all seriously need an attitude check!" she watched as the stallion continued his act, unfazed.

"An' stop doin' that!" she added, pointing an accusing hoof at him.

"Fuck off. Delirious does what he wants, bitch."

Applejack frowned, glaring at Delirious as he bluntly ignored her in favor of the steel gray wall in his cell. Giving a long sigh to the ground, she looked at Delirious out of the corner of her vision, the wall now appearing to have a small amount of blood on it. Her eyes widened as she suddenly threw herself against the cell bars, shaking them like a lonely prisoner.

"Delirious! Yer bleedin'!"

He slowed his action, finally settling as he raised his head from the wall and stumbled back in wooziness, feeling his lightly bleeding head with a now-stained hoof. Falling against the wall across from its affected cousin, Delirious curved his forelegs like a puppy, grit his teeth, and slid down the brick until he plopped onto the floor, tilting his head in an effort to stop the bleeding.

"Ah, fuckin' hell man..."

"Delirious, y'all're gonna hurt yourself!"

Delirious only groaned in response, feeling the back of his head with a shaky hoof, the blue appendage coming back stained red.

"You're such a fucking dumbass, Delirious."

"Fuck you," Delirious replied almost faintly, moaning audibly as his head involuntarily hit the wall behind him, "I still don't see why the fuck you're here too."

"Well, considering I kicked your ass at least four times-"

"Bullshit. You weren't fucking counting."

Vanoss laughed, lifting his head up from the mattress he was lying on, his shades no longer covering his brown eyes. Looking over at Delirious with a grin, he saw his friend staring back at him in kind, his forelegs raised like a praying mantis and a glare on his eyes almost hidden underneath his mask.

"Still don't understand why the fuck they let you keep your mask on, clown."

"Well, bitch, I'm glad they took your glasses off so I could see your ugly ass face."

Applejack stepped back uneasily, beginning to grow wary of what could very easily lead into another fight. And as she eyed the various pipes in the sink, the light fixture hanging above their heads, and the chains holding the beds up from the floor, she gulped. Loudly.

Which neither hooked nor sunk the two stallions, one of which began to shakily get off the floor, stumbling slightly as he reached his peak with a snarl. The red Earth pony on the bed raised a brow as the low, animal-like sound of growling began to reverberate in the cell, the owner beginning to trot slowly toward the cell's other occupant.

Delirious stepped toward Vanoss slowly, his brow gradually narrowing until his eyes were near-slits. Vanoss moved not an inch, curiously watching Delirious walk over to him menacingly. And then suddenly, without warning, Delirious leaped with a cry, "You fuckin' bi-"

Vanoss shifted on the mattress, allowing room for his friend and the chains now surrounding his neck, not even a drop of sweat rolling down his forehead as he looked at Applejack through the cell bars. He grinned politely, telling her, "Don't worry, he'll be okay."

He turned his attention back toward Delirious, who was weakly punching and kicking the air in a struggle to breathe. Vanoss pouted his lower lip, a feign mother-figure voice creeping into his advice, "Shh, shh, just go to sleep now Delirious. Just go to bed. Roooock a by baaaby oooon the treetoooop-"

Delirious could only sputter out a barely audible, "Fuck you," before his legs stopped moving and his body twitched one last time.

Vanoss put on his best soldier voice, whispering a gently calm, but incredibly deranged and fucked up, "Good night."

Vanoss slowly got off the bed, careful not to disturb Delirious' body, and looked to Applejack.

She had a single hoof up to her mouth, her face contorted into one of horror and shock.

Vanoss scoffed, "Oh c'mon, don't act like you've never seen a dead body before. This isn't the first time this 's happened-"

"No, Vanoss," Applejack began, her voice shaken, "it ain't that."

Vanoss' brow flew up.

He turned around, and found a hovering pegasus, a baseball bat in his hooves. He lightly patted the head with a free hoof, a growl escaping his lips.

"It's that."

"Heh heh heh, hiiiii Vanoss. Pleasure to see you again, hehehe hahahahahaha."

"Ah fuck!"

WHAP!

"Fuck you, bitch."

Applejack sputtered. Vanoss was right; it wasn't the first time she had witnessed this, but it still got her every time. Death was death, no matter how many times it happened.

She looked back at Delirious and found the stallion fiddling with the lock on the cell door. Groaning in frustration a second later, he looked at Applejack through the bars and calmly asked, "Do you, uh, do you have the key?"

Applejack lurched backward in disgust, "Of course Ah don't, Sugarcube! An' after what y'all just did, Ah don't think Ah'd even wanna let you out!"

Delirious flailed a hoof in the air, appalled, "Oh come the fuck on, man. It's not a big fucking deal-"

"Murder's still murder, Delirious, an' that's not somethin' Ah take lightly."

Delirious stood there, breathing heavily in silence, before he fell to his haunches, turned, and crossed his arms, lifting his head up slightly to say, "Whatever man. Least Vanoss is fuckin' dead. I didn't wanna be with his ass in prison anyway."

"Hey Delirious."

Delirious turned his head, and found Vanoss, a smirk on his face and a frightened farmpony at his side.

"You do remember we respawn, like, a block away, right?"

Delirious slammed a hoof into the concrete underneath him as he all but screamed, "FUCK."

Vanoss whistled a tune as he turned toward Applejack, smoothing his hair back and grinning wildly, "So, Applejack, what say you and me-"

"No thank you."

"Well alright," Vanoss immediately replied, face never changing as he looked at Delirious. "Boy, lemme tell you, I'm fuckin' hungry right now. I sure could go for a hot dog right now- oh! Or maybe a," he suddenly said, leaning closer to Delirious and peering through the bars with wide eyes, "cheeseburger."

"Nooooooo! Now I'm fuckin' hungry, you bitch!"

"Ha ha ha! Good!" Vanoss said, turning toward the door and raising a hoof.

Delirious tutted, wildly waving a hoof in an attempt to thwart his friend's plan, "Uh uh uh, don't you fuckin' dare."

"I'm darin', Delirious."

The pegasus threw himself against the bars, watching as Applejack flinched in fright at his sudden movement and the loud clatter that accompanied it, "And just how the hell do you plan on getting outta here?! You were in jail too, remember?!"

"Oh shit, that's right!" Vanoss exclaimed, his hooves reaching up to his cheeks in mock surprise. His face shifted to one of boredom, his hoof reaching toward his belly and coming back with a small white object.

"Oh fuck you."

Applejack turned toward Delirious with a look of confusion, "What's he doin'?"

Delirious growled in response, and Applejack looked back at Vanoss, but found nothing but his dead body on the floor. Her breath caught in her throat as she raised a hoof away in disgust, before his body shimmered three times, then disappeared.

"Oh mah Faust-"

"Fuckin' killed himself. What a bitch, leavin' me here..."

Delirious crossed his forelegs, narrowed eyes staring straight ahead with a distinct lack of activity. A voice withdrew him from this stupor immediately.

"Have fun, Delirious! Don't drop the soap!"

Vanoss was looking in through the window bars behind him, a red hoof wildly waving at him in feigned friendliness.

Delirious suddenly flew to the window, coiling his hooves around the rusty iron bars and sneering, "Don't you fuckin' leave me in here you asshole! Don't you fuckin' leave me!"

"Bye Delirious!"

And with that, Vanoss was gone, his figure sprinting across the road and further into the town. Delirious slowly let go of the bars, wings lazily flapping to keep him aloft as his head started to bob up and down violently.

Applejack was breathing heavily, her eyes darting from the left to the right to the left again in panic, "Oh Faust, there's a murderer on the loose-"

"Th- there ain't no fuckin' murderer..." Delirious choked out, falling to the floor as his lower lip trembled. Curling into a fetal position, he raised his hooves over his eyes and sobbed, "that's just my- my friend, Van- Vanoss..."

He sniffled.

Loudly.

And began to wail in despair. Applejack lowered her head in shame, looking away from the sobbing stallion, before she breathed in a large breath and approached the cell. She tenderly placed a hoof on its exterior, peering into the room and watching Delirious cry. It broke her heart, and she soon began to speak, "Delirious, are y'all gonna be okay?"

"Y- yeah, I will," he replied in between choked sobs. He raised a single hoof and pointed at the spot his friend had previously occupied outside of his coop, "you sh- should go see if he drop- if he dropped some money. Dumb fu- fucker usually does when he dies..."

Applejack turned her head toward the suggested spot, finding nothing in particular. Raising a brow, she looked back at Delirious with confusion.

"What do ya...." her voice trailed off slowly. Her face contorted into a large sneer, gritting her teeth in rage as she found Delirious' lifeless body lying dead on the prison floor. Growling, she looked through the barred-up window, and found the noticeably fatigued figure of a blue pegasus with a mask galloping along the road, a faint yell emanating through her skull.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, Vanoss!"

Looking back into the cell, she sighed heavily as the stallion's body disappeared. Looking to the ground, she uttered a simple curse.

"Ah ponyfeathers..."

Sharks And American Delicacies

"Get back here you son of a bitch!"

"Fuck you Delirious!"

Delirious growled in rage as he watched his friend sprinting in front of him, increasing his speed and lowering his head to improve his aerodynamics. His hooves pattered the dirt as rain against a rooftop, gaining on Vanoss as the two raced through the town, ignoring the shouts and looks of the local townsponies as they watched them go. The red Earth pony veered a left, into the open door of a house, Delirious turning the same way and giving pursuit. A grey Pegasus mare and her purple filly cried in surprise as the two intruders jumped, kicked, and slid their way through their house as the crow flies, both eventually crashing their way through a window and back out into the sunlight.

"Get the hell back here, dammit!" Delirious screamed, panting heavily in the hot sun's rays.

Vanoss spoke no response, instead turning his head slightly to smile and wink at his friend, before he jumped over a cart of apples, landing on the other side and taking another left. Delirious gave a pained breath, going around and issuing a quick sorry to the red stallion manning the cart, who raised a brow his way as he continued to chase his friend. Turning Vanoss' way, Delirious found himself galloping into an alley. Once he noticed this, he threw his hooves into the dirt, creating a trail in the ground as he halted in the middle of the alley. Growling, he stretched his body into a hunting stance, turning his masked face this way and that to watch for any signs of movement.

Bearing his teeth, he growled at the nothing that met both his ears and his eyes.

"Alright you son of a bitch..." he began, searching the empty area around him, "where the hell are you...?"

His blue eyes landed on a small trash can. His brow furrowed in suspicion, Delirious frowned at it under his mask and hummed.

The trash can gave no response, and Delirious retracted his head and gave an incredulous look, eyeing it with suspicion. Slowly trotting over to it, he lowered his body and planned each and every step. Knowing Vanoss, he was most likely waiting for the right moment to strike, or, even worse, become a satellite dish to fuck with him out of sight. This realization suddenly caused Delirious to throw his gaze behind him and sweep the alleyway, but nothing met his blue eyes as he gave an annoyed sigh and looked to the sky. Turning his attention back onto the trash can, he found that it was missing. Suddenly getting up, he stumbled to his left and sidestepped the trash can as it swept by him, attempting to escape the alley in a hurry.

"What the fuck?!"

The trash can jumped out of his reach as he grabbed for it, then bounded back and tackled him to the ground. As it bounced atop him, Delirious rolled over and dodged it, scrambling to his hooves and giving the can a mighty kick, knocking it to the ground in turn. As the Pegasus sprinted to it, growling, it began to roll over in the same vein as Delirious, but, being a trash can, was able to do it much faster, and eventually rolled itself out of the alleyway and turned right, leaving Delirious' sight. Giving a loud, "Goddammit!" in anger, he took a single step before he looked at his body and hummed.

"Why the fuck am I not using these?"

Flaring his wings, he looked to the sky and flapped furiously. Taking off, he barely made it seven feet before he suddenly dipped, crashing into the side of a house and falling like a ragdoll back to Earth. Groaning in pain, he lamented, "Oh, that's why. Son of a bitch, man!" Throwing a hoof into the grass, he frowned and turned his attention to the sound of metal against metal. Behind him, a trash can stood ominously against the sun, then hopped and booped the side of the house next to it, before a familiar red Earth pony took its place, waving at Delirious with a smile.

"I don't know how the hell I just did that!" Vanoss called matter-of-factly, before he turned tail and sprinted back into the sunlight. Delirious scrambled to his hooves and gave pursuit, bursting out into the sun and raising a hoof to his eyes in pain, seething all the while. As the pain subsided, he lowered the appendage and turned to his right, watching as the familiar black and white tail vanished as it took a right.

"God dammit." Delirious muttered as he breathed out heavily in preparation for his sprint. He really wasn't in shape for this, especially not with that damned sun out. Looking at the celestial object with annoyance, he shook his hoof to curse it, "stop being so fucking hot, you hot bitch!"

Blinking in silence and allowing his words to settle in his head, Delirious threw his hoof into his forehead and groaned, turning his attention back to what was currently at hand. Flicking his tail, he ran the direction that Vanoss had disappeared to and looked to his right, peering down yet another alleyway, shrouded by the shade of the houses located on either side of it. Frowning at the idea of going down another alley, he sat on his haunches and waited. Knowing Vanoss, he was probably gonna taunt him at some point sooner or later-

"Hey Delirious!"

Without even looking up, Delirious gave a monotonous, "Whaaaat?"

"Catch."

Eyes widening, Delirious heard the sound of an object landing next to him and suddenly looked to his left. A frag grenade met his eyes. Stuttering, he reached for it and bounced it in his hooves like a hot potato, before he caught it in a single hoof, turned on his heel, and threw it back at Vanoss, who opened his mouth, barely able to yell an, "Oh shit!" of fright before the grenade exploded, sending him flying into the sky and onto the grass in a cold heap.

"Hahahahaha ha! Gotcha Vanoss!" Delirious called, rushing over to his fallen friend. Standing over his body, the Pegasus delivered a quick kick into his friend's gut, the Earth pony grasping for his chest as he cried out in pain. Chuckling to himself, Delirious reached to his crotch, the hoof coming back out with a large baseball bat in its clutches. Patting the weapon against his free hoof, he retracted onto his hindlegs and raised both hooves over his head, waiting to strike. As it came back down, he intended to hit Vanoss' body, but instead made a dent on a convenient trash can. Baseball bat sitting idly on top of the can's lid and still grasped in Delirious' hooves, the Pegasus remained like this for a brief second before he gave a low, "Dammit."

The trash can launched itself into him, knocking him to the floor and steam-rolling him as it rolled away from him. Scampering to get up, he bore his teeth and growled like an animal, yelling out, "How the fuck are you doing that you fuckin' bitch?!"

"I told you- ow, I don't know Delirious! Come on, keep up you fatty!"

"You're a dick, Vanoss!"

In the distance, the trash can suddenly stopped as it replied, "Hey man, if I were, you'd be sucking away at me like a fat tit-"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck back here!"

The trash can issued a quick yelp, before it began rolling away yet again, taking a right for the umpteenth time that day. Delirious smiled, turning left a little bit, before pulling a Tokyo Drift and drifting into the alleyway, kicking up dirt and grass as he did so. Sprinting into the alley, he heard footsteps behind him and saw Vanoss quickly trotting away from his hiding spot directly next to the entrance. Rearing around, Delirious cursed and gave pursuit, running back out into the open, where both the bright sun and the head of a golf club met him, knocking him to the ground as if he had run into a golden bar, accompanied with a loud bonk.

Reaching for his head, Delirious muttered, "You bitch..."

Stepping over him, Vanoss replied excitedly, "Holy shit Delirious, I Tom and Jerry'd your ass!"

As Delirious turned over like a grumpy sleeper, he could only stutter, "F-fuck you man... my head hurts now..."

Giving an annoyed sigh, Vanoss looked up and found a tree branch hanging next to him. Reaching out for it, he bit down on a twig and pulled, succeeding in pulling it off as he stared down at his friend. Coiling his hoof around the stick, he poked at Delirious' body twice, the Pegasus groaning in frustration.

"Stop fuckin' poking me you bitch-"

"Man, this stick is really cool Delirious." Poke. "You should check it out."

"No."

Vanoss stabbed harder. Delirious turned his head over, looking at him incredulously, "Are you seriously poking me with a fuckin' stick right now?"

"Yeah, it's fun. Haven't you ever had fun, Delirious?"

"Yeah, plenty of times. Like, I dunno- RIGHT NOW!" he replied, suddenly rolling over, knife in hoof. Barely evading, Vanoss jumped back with a yelp and flung his branch, missing by a mere foot. Delirious laughed as he looked down at the branch, before he looked back up and found Vanoss already sprinting away from him. Chuckling, he murmured, "Goddammit," and held the knife in his mouth, following the Earth pony as he sprinted down the alley, who turned right once he reached the end. Delirious, thinking quickly, took a dare and flared his wings, flying into the sky and landing on the roof of a house, sprinting across the top and jumping to the next roof, keeping his eyes on Vanoss all the while.

When he looked behind him, not finding the Pegasus, he turned right toward Delirious, who quickly jumped from the roof, landing on his friend and tackling him to the ground, his knife clattering against the nearby wall to their right. As the two ponies tussled, Vanoss was the first to reach for the knife, coiling his hoof around it and stabbing at his friend, who got up and staggered backward in pain, holding his side with a blue hoof, whimpering all the while.

Getting up as well, Vanoss was crouched low to the ground, breathing heavily with the knife clenched in his teeth. The two stood like this for what seemed like hours, panting from exhaustion, unmoving, and staring at each other in silence. Suddenly, the two broke their statue-like positions as they both broke down laughing, Delirious still clenching his open wound and Vanoss spitting the knife onto the ground. His sides hurting, Vanoss shut his eyes and grasped at his stomach, listening as he and his friend fell into hysterics, Delirious' laughter slowly gaining height until they sounded almost forced.

An explosion suddenly rocked the Earth pony's world, a cold chill going down his foreleg instantly. Halting his laughter, Vanoss looked down at the appendage with curiosity, finding a gaping hole in his leg. Looking back up at Delirious, yet another explosion sounded out, Vanoss falling to the ground in a heap. The blue Pegasus walked over to him, still laughing loudly, as he raised his foreleg and began firing his pistol into Vanoss' body, eventually rendering him dead as his body bled out from shock. Still chuckling lightly as the body faded away, Delirious reached for the small stack of money left on the floor, placing the wad into his crotch and grinning as it disappeared.

"What the fuck?"

"What?" Delirious asked, spinning around and facing Vanoss.

"You have your pistol?"

Looking down at the firearm, Delirious smirked and replied, "Fuck yeah I do! What, you don't have your weapons?"

"No, just my melee weapons- actually, lemme see..." Vanoss trailed off, his hooves scrambling across his body with vigor. Delirious watched in silence, peering down at his pistol with curiosity. Reaching his other hoof over to the mag release button, he listened as the spent magazine hit the ground and reached toward his side, another magazine suddenly materializing in his hoof. Giving an impressed look, he placed the fresh clip into the receiver, tapping it lightly to lock it in place. Glancing back at his friend, Delirious fell to his haunches and observed his friend, still busy at his body.

"Holy shit I do have all my weapons!" Vanoss claimed as he pulled out a large rifle, holding it in both his hooves and taking aim at Delirious. "Look, Delirious!"

"No don't you fuckin'-"

The gun fired, filling Delirious with bullets as he fell to the floor in a heap, yelling all the while, "You're a biiiiitch!"

Laughing as Delirious' body began to fade away, Vanoss calmly holstered the rifle on his back and trotted toward the pool of blood his friend had previously occupied, grasping the wad of cash and placing it into his stomach as he said, "Don't take my money, Delirious. I'll wreck your shit."

"Fuck you," he heard behind him. Turning toward Delirious with a smile, he swiveled his head and bit down on the carbine's scope, placing it into his hoof and reaching toward his crotch, the rifle disappearing. Delirious mimicked his movements, his pistol disappearing as well before he stepped toward Vanoss and walked to the wall of the house with his back to it, sliding down its white surface with a long sigh. Vanoss looked at him with a bored expression, before falling to his haunches alongside his friend.

The two sat down for what seemed like hours in silence, Delirious holding his forehooves against his cheeks and looking to the grass. Vanoss stretched his hindlegs out in front of him, leaning against the wall, and turned his head, looking at the masked Pegasus with a question upon his lips, "Well. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Delirious' reply came a while after, along with a sigh and a swipe of his black mane, "Fuck, I dunno. We've killed each other like twelve times now."

"I think you're exaggerating. I killed you like twelve times," Vanoss replied with a hoof to his chest.

"Oh fuck you. You're bored and I'm bored, you think of something."

Raising the hoof to his chin, Vanoss hummed and turned to his friend, "Ah, I got it-"

"I swear to God, man, if it involves killing me I'm gonna strangle you-"

"No no no," the Earth pony replied with a chuckle, waving his hooves frantically.

His head perking up at the mention of his survival for the next couple of minutes, Delirious questioned, "Well, now I seriously can't wait to hear this shit."

"Well, are you hungry?"

Delirious looked at him, blinking silently, expecting his imminent death.

"I was being serious when I told you I wanted a cheeseburger."

"Oh. Oh! Fuck yeah, man! Let's get something to eat!"

As Vanoss got to his hooves, he swept his left foreleg and commented, "Well, don't wanna disappoint you, but seeing as these guys are ponies, I don't think we'll be seeing a cheeseburger anytime soon, unless they're into that shit for some reason.."

"Goddammit, I really wanted a fuckin' cheeseburger too." Delirious groaned with annoyance, kicking at the dirt by his hooves.

"I'm sure they've got some sorta substitute or something-"

"Dude," Delirious interrupted, looking to Vanoss and gaining his attention, "they're fuckin' horses." Looking down at his body, he patted it idly and added, "We're horses, if you didn't fuckin' forget. Horses eat hay an' shit."

"I don't think I like the idea of eating hay, Delirious-"

"Well, get fuckin' used to it. Horses eat hay, and we eat hay-"

"Delirious you're scaring me."

"Calm the fuck down. Horses eat, like, vegetables too, right?"

Vanoss hummed, then nodded slowly, "Yeah, I think so."

"And they can eat candy, right?"

Another short, hesitant nod.

"Like, uh, chocolate?"

"Look Delirious, I don't fucking know about horses, man. You tell me."

The Pegasus threw a hoof into his forehead, groaning, "Well, I don't know either dammit," he said, looking up at his friend, "that's why I was asking you-"

"And I don't fucking know."

"Well, neither do I-"

Delirious was interrupted as his hoof reached for his stomach, which growled loudly at him as he attempted to suppress it. Turning back at Vanoss, he added, "Can we just go get somethin' to fuckin' eat, Vanoss? My tummy hurts..."

"Excuse me? Your 'tummy' hurts?"

"Yeah, I just fuckin' said it, pay attention."

Vanoss rolled his eyes, "Jesus, don't get so mad. Do we even have any money?"

"Yeah, of course we fucking do. You've got some cash, I just stole it from you-"

Vanoss waved the wad in his hoof with a sly look, the Pegasus frowning underneath his mask.

"How much do you have in that anyway?"

Vanoss thumbed through it quickly, then gazed back at Delirious and replied, "Five hundred. Should be enough, unless your fat ass wants to Supersize it-"

"Fuck off. I doubt they'd have a fuckin' McDonald's here anyway."

The two sat idly on the sidewalk, watching the small building in silence as various ponies wandered into and out of its front door. Vanoss looked up to the pink arches standing tall and proud in the sky, to the pink arches emblazoned on the road next to it, and then to the large sign that read Hay Burger.

He looked down at his friend with a wide grin, who blew air out of his nostrils and muttered, "God fucking dammit..."

"Well, it's close enough Delirious," Vanoss replied, ignoring the Pegasus' cursing as he spread his forelegs out and yelled, "this is where good people go to die and get fat."

"You said you weren't trying to kill me Vanoss," Delirious said, his eyes wandering the red and white bags held by the countless ponies as they walked out of the building. Sniffing the air, he moaned and added, "but I think I might be okay with it this time-"

"Well, we have no other choice. I didn't see a fuckin' Subway or anything on our way, so I guess we're fucked."

Looking up at Vanoss as he lay on the ground in bliss, Delirious replied, "Well, how bad can it be? Horses don't eat meat and shit, so their burgers and bacon and shit are off the list."

"What about their sodas? Do horses drink soda?" Vanoss asked, staring down at his friend in kind.

Delirious shrugged, "Do horses eat fries? I mean, they're just potatoes and shit, not really harmless. I don't really see them as eating salt- hell, I don't see them eating many things besides grass and their own shit."

"Yeah, let's not let it come down to that Delirious. I don't know about you, but I'm not really looking forward to pooping on the ground and eating it off the grass."

"Why not? We're horses, maybe it's not so bad on our tastebuds-"

Turning around, Vanoss raised his tail slightly and asked, "You wanna test it smartass?"

"Whoa whoa whoa, hang on a second man," Delirious spoke, scooting away from the Earth pony quickly.

Returning to a normal position, Vanoss laughed and replied, "Didn't fuckin' think so, Delirious."

The Pegasus scrambled to his hooves, glaring at his friend as he muttered something under his breath.

Leaning toward him, Vanoss asked, "What was that?"

"Nothin', bitch."

"No, you said something Delirious-"

"No I fuckin' didn't. Now shut your fuckin' mouth before I stick my dick in it-"

"Whoa," Vanoss said, pushing the air in front of him, "whoa, whoa, whoa."

"...."

"Whoa-"

"I meant it-"

"Whoa."

"Shut up."

"Do you really want me to kick your ass in front of a fucking McDonald's, Delirious?"

"It's not called McDonald's Vanoss. Can't you fuckin' read, man? It says Hay Burger right on the sign!"

Vanoss scoffed, crossing his arms and looking to his right in frustration.

"It's literally a few yards away from you!"

"Shut up, Delirious, I have a gun and the money."

Delirious hoof suddenly came out with a knife, "That can be remedied, bitch."

Vanoss' reached for his stomach, grasping at his carbine rifle, "Try it, Delirious."

"You wouldn't fire your gun out here-"

"You wanna bet?" Vanoss asked, his brow furrowed as he cocked the lever on the side.

The two stared each other down, until a voice suddenly broke the silence as it asked, "Hey, you guys goin' in to buy something?"

They turned, finding a light blue Unicorn looking at them oddly.

"Uh, 'sup bitch-"

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry about that," Vanoss said, quickly putting his gun away and facing the mare as he threw his hoof out, "name's Vanoss."

"Huh, weird name. What about Mr. Plothole over here?"

"His name's Delirious." Vanoss confirmed, watching as the Pegasus crossed his arms and frowned.

"Well," the mare said, shaking Vanoss' hoof, "my name's Colgate. But uh, don't tell anypony you saw me here. I'm the local dentist, and, well..."

Vanoss nodded, "I get it." Turning toward the establishment, he asked, "so, what the hell do they serve here anyway?"

"Well, it serves burgers, obviously. Fries, soda, all kinds of unhealthy stuff, but it's so good I can't help myself," Colgate replied, biting her lower lip. Raising a brow, she looked the Earth pony up and down and asked, "Why? You two new around Ponyville?"

"Yeah, guess you could say that. What kinda burgers are they? I don't eat turkey."

Colgate looked at him with a blank look on her face, a blue hoof pointing lazily at the building, "It's.. it's called 'Hay Burger'...."

"Yeah, I know that. What kind of burgers do they sell?"

"It's called 'Hay Burger'... they sell hay burgers..."

Vanoss' eyes went wide, and, judging from the stutter that emanated from the ground next to him, Delirious seemed to be surprised as well.

"Seriously? Are you two stupid or something?"

"I thought it was just some clever horse pun."

"Yeah, same here," Delirious said, getting up from the grass, "What the hell do hay burgers even taste like?"

"They taste like hay, obviously. What, you two live under a rock or something?"

"Well, no, but-"

"You could always just go buy one and see. Unless you don't have any money, but-"

"No," Vanoss said, pulling the small bundle of cash out, "we have money."

Colgate looked the wad over in silence before she blinked rapidly at Vanoss and Delirious and asked, "Uh, what's that?"

"It's our money."

"That's not money," she replied, her horn lighting up and levitating out a small bag, which opened up to allow a small token to float next to her, "this is money. Bits. Seriously, where's your rock at? Must be in the Badlands if you don't know what the hay bits are-"

"No no no," Delirious suddenly said, pushing Vanoss out of the way and stepping in front of Colgate with a smile, "Pfft, of course we know what bits are. We were just fuckin' with you-"

"Do you always curse this much? There are foals here."

"Only when I'm in love, baby-"

"Okay. Ew-"

"Delirious, are you seriously about to fuck a horse?"

"Hey!" Delirious snapped, turning his attention to Vanoss with fury, "don't fuckin' judge me! What other kinda girls are there? All I see are horses!"

"Delirious confirmed for horse fucker, everyone."

"Shut your fuckin' mouth-"

"Well, if you two are low on money, my friend might have a position at her workplace so you two can earn some bits."

"That depends on what we have ta do."

"Her name's Banana Split. She runs a fruit cart in the market place, and she's needed some help lately-"

"Fuck yeah!" Vanoss yelled, turning toward Delirious, "Delirious, we get to sell bananas now!"

"Goddammit, I don't wanna hear you singing the whole fucking day," he whined, before looking at Colgate with pleading eyes, "do you have anybody else in mind?"

"That's it, sorry. Do you want it, or not? She'd gladly have anypony else besides you two-"

"Nope," Vanoss interrupted, pushing Delirious out of the way, "we'll take it."

"That's great!" Colgate replied happily, "I'll make sure to tell her today, if you wanna come with."

"Yeah, sure. This is gonna be awesome, man!"

"This is gonna fuckin' suck..."

Author's Note

There are really no good synonyms for "alley" or "alleyway". This really bugs me.

Banana Carts Before Horses

"You really need to work on your sales pitch."

"Why? What the fuck is wrong with it?"

"Well, for starters," the Unicorn began, sweeping an annoyed look around her cart, "you basically just told our last customer that you were going to stick a banana in her rear-"

Delirious fell to his haunches and crossed his forelegs, "Horse shit. Bitch was lying."

"Whatever the case may be, I still had to give her a complimentary bushel, and that's about three bits down the drain."

Delirious waved a hoof lazily in the air, blowing a raspberry as he turned toward his friend.

"What about you, man? My sales pitch is fucking godly, right?"

Vanoss paid Delirious no mind, his eyes fixated solely on the ground a thousand yards away, his hoof slowly feeding him a banana that he munched on in silence. Finally, with the Pegasus' blue eyes staring utterly into his soul, Vanoss sighed heavily, his right hoof still remaining on his cheek as he leaned against the stand, "Look man, all I know is that we're not getting jack shit for customers. Just look at these guys!" he said, sweeping the area in front of them with a free hoof, "not even looking at us! Just moving their asses down the street, not wanting a single banana!"

He slammed his right hoof into the stand, the yellow Unicorn mare behind Delirious jumping slightly.

"It sickens me," he added in a hushed tone.

"Well, maybe we should advertise or some shit. Y'know, like those poor assholes who have to stand out in the cold with their Statue of Liberty costumes on," Delirious pitched, rising from the floor, "go all Liberty Mutual and shit."

Vanoss rolled his eyes, turning his head toward his friend, "You wanna be that poor asshole in a Statue of Liberty costume, Delirious?"

"Well, I uh-"

"Didn't think so. Hey, Banana Bus-"

"My name's Banana Split, actually," the mare interrupted with a raised brow.

"Whatever," Vanoss said, waving a hoof in the air, "we need an idea. Anything you can think of?"

The mare scratched her chin idly, pondering, "You two do know you're working for, like, minimum wage, right? I can't really afford to pay two criminals-"

"Criminals? Do you know who the fuck you're talkin' to bitch?" Delirious asked, pointing a hoof at his chest, "I am Aych Two Oh motherfucking Delirious."

"I've heard better names from my foals. Who the hell names themselves after a sickness?" Banana Split asked with an aggravated tone, watching as the masked Pegasus glared at her in complete silence. Ignoring him, she continued, "Besides, you two are considered criminals from what I saw. Unless, y'know, if back where you guys are from, murder to the Enth degree along with practical terrorism is considered something a foal would do."

"Well, back where we're from, killing is just part of a normal day, you can't go walking down your neighborhood without some guy driving by and shooting up your friend's car with a minigun," Delirious replied, sighing with a hint of nostalgia, "Goddammit, I miss it."

"What. You miss getting your ass handed to you by a monkey in a track jacket and getting rejected by hookers on the street?"

Delirious' turned his head to Vanoss, who still sat munching on his banana calmly. Delirious blinked rapidly, as if attempting to understand what his friend had just said. Getting up off the floor, he menacingly stalked toward Vanoss, who continued to eat and stare out onto the street silently. Leaning toward him with one eye shut and the other wide open, Delirious began, "...the fuck you just say to me, bitch?"

"You heard me, Delirious. Now take a fucking chill pill, we don't wanna fuck up Banana Bus' banana cart, do we?"

Delirious' eyes narrowed to mere slits as he replied grumpily, "Fuck you. Fine," and crossed his forelegs, adding, "but say that shit again and I'm stabbing your ass."

"Fuck you Delirious-"

"Would you two stop acting like foals? You're worse than my kids. Maybe even twice as smelly as well..."

"Hey, I took a fuckin' shower yesterday!"

"It was probably at your railroad track-side house. You ever get that bike fixed, Delirious?"

The Pegasus turned his head and jabbed at his friend, "There's a fine fuckin' line, man-"

Someone cleared their throat behind them. Turning their heads, they found Banana Split, an angry scowl on her face and a small hint of anger in her voice as she growled, "Listen you two. Stop messing around, alright? Colgate recommended both of you; she's been a friend of mine since grade school. But the way you've been acting, I'm sure she was wrong in doing so. If you can't get your act together, you're both fired!"

The mare sat, breathing heavily as she stared daggers at the two stallions, her anger with them growing along with her volume as she progressively yelled.

Vanoss and Delirious sat in utter, shocked silence, gawking wide-eyed at the yellow mare who could only glare back. Still standing, Vanoss delivered a quick punch to Delirious' foreleg, the Pegasus cursing loudly as he rubbed the sore appendage with a hoof.

The two sat in their own silence for what seemed like hours, before Vanoss rubbed the back of his head, coughing, "Well, fuck, Delirious-"

"No thanks."

"Shut up. We're gonna have to work together if we wanna get some fucking money, Delirious. I know how hard it can be to not kill someone for that long, but goddammit you and I are gonna hafta fuckin' deal with it."

Delirious looked up at him, his forelegs still crossed in annoyance.

"Fuck, man-"

"No thanks," Vanoss said with a smile.

"Oh fuck you," Delirious replied, pointing a hoof at him. The appendage falling back to the ground, he remained this way for two heartbeats before speaking. "Fuck. You know what, man?"

"What's that?"

Delirious got up, looking at him. The frowning mask peered down to the ground, a low sigh escaping the pony within. The mask looked back up, staring into the brown eyes of Vanoss, who eagerly awaited what his friend was about to say.

"Y'know what?" he repeated, cocking his head, "one of these days, you're gonna fuckin' kill me."

His hooves grabbed at his stomach, emerging with a metallic baseball bat.

Vanoss tensed, reaching for his carbine rifle....

....and watched as the bat clattered onto the ground, rolling away in a grass-muffled silence. Looking back up at Delirious, Vanoss couldn't help but open his mouth in shock, attempting to speak, only to be interrupted with an unusually calm, hushed voice.

"We need money. Bad. I need to fuckin' eat, and I sure ain't lettin' hard work get in the way of that shit. I'm willing if you are, Vanoss."

The Earth pony couldn't believe what was just said.

Delirious stuck his hoof out to his friend, and asked, "Whaddya say, partner? Let's make some fuckin' money together."

Vanoss gazed at the hoof, his face screwed up in the manner of a teacher attempting to understand a babbling, idiotic, psychotic, murderous student with a hockey mask strapped to his face. Finally, with a smile, he threw his hoof out to meet, and the two shook hooves in the daylight, smiles on their faces and criminal intent practically absent for once in their lives.

It seemed that everything was absolutely peaceful.

Absolutely.

Peaceful-

"Alright then, you two, now that you're done making up, let's get some work done. Vanoss, I need you to put those glasses away. They make you look like a plothole," Banana Split ordered, facing the Earth pony, who saluted quickly and placed them atop his head. Turning to her left, she looked at Delirious, who sat waiting obediently. "Delirious, we need to talk about your mask," she began, turning tail and opening a box with her hooves, "I need you to put this on. This one won't scare the kids as easily."

In her hooves was a hockey mask, exactly like Delirious' with its snow white color scheme, but the pattern on it horrified Delirious, the stallion furiously biting down on his lip as he saw Vanoss watching him in the corner of his eye, brow raised in anticipation and curiosity.

A large, red pair of what appeared to be eyebrows were painted atop the mask's eye-holes, with streaks of lightning-like shapes on the sides.

Delirious looked at the new mask in complete silence, blinking, as still as a statue.

The summer birds chirped.

The wind blew by.

The clouds above continued onward.

Suddenly, without a single ounce of warning, he smashed his hoof into the mask, knocking it to the floor and causing the yellow mare previously holding it to stagger backward with a yelp of shock. Not even giving the visor ample time to so much as bounce off the grass, Delirious angrily reached toward his stomach and pulled out an assault rifle, quickly pulling the lever back and aiming at the mask, pulling the trigger as he screamed at the top of his lungs, the smell of lead filling the air as the mask almost completely vanished from existence under him.

His assault rifle clicking empty, he stared at the grass in silence, lowering his rifle as the smoke cleared.

The mask appeared to him, its surface completely riddled with bullet holes, and ruined beyond any kind of repair.

Holstering his rifle, he looked back up at Banana Split, walking up to her quietly, a large, almost inhuman glare upon his brow. Standing in front of her for a single heartbeat, he suddenly shoved his hoof in front of her face, leaning toward her menacingly as he spoke.

"Don't you ever fucking think about that, you fucking bitch. Not for one. Fucking. Second."

"Whoa, calm the hell down Delirious. It's not like she's asking you to get a fuckin' sex change-"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Delirious mocked, coyly tilting his head as he turned his attention to his friend, "here. Lemme fuckin' get it, my bad." Reaching a hoof down to the ground, he held the straps of the mangled mask high in the air for all to see, its countless bullet holes still smoking from the barrage of bullets it had taken. Dangling it like a keychain, he held the visor in front of his face, now completely incapable of doing so one hundred percent, only succeeding in covering up less than half of his face.

"There, is that better? Huh?" he asked. Only receiving glares in response, he chucked the mask to the ground and kicked it, sending it flying next to Vanoss, who leered at him.

"Delirious, what the fuck? Stop being a dick-"

"No! Fuck this banana cart, fuck Miss Banana Bitch here," Delirious yelled, ultimately turning to his friend and looking at him, "and fuck you, Vanoss. I'm fucking done."

And with that, Delirious turned tail and faced the rest of the marketplace, who still stared at him in utter shock at his explosive violence. Staring back at them, he watched as they slowly went back to their daily schedule, peering back up at him once or twice as he remained standing there. Suddenly, something blinded him in the corner of his eye. Looking down, he found the sun dancing off the surface of his baseball bat. Not even bothering to look behind him, he bent over, snatching the blunt weapon in a single hoof and holstering it. Flicking his tail, he looked to his left and to his right, and promptly chose left.

The sun's rays beat down on him as he walked along the street, the heat of the celestial being bearing down on him. Though the sweat on his brow and the shakiness in his step told him that he was thirsty, he continued onward, wanting to put as much space away from the banana stand as he could.

No fucking way.

Not in a million years would he have ever gone through with that decision.

Delirious ignored the ponies that watched him as he went on his way; past the stores, past the marketplace, past the town hall, eventually finding himself crossing the bridge that led out of town, head hung low, but brow forever furrowed. Glaring down at the grey brick, Delirious growled loudly, kicking a stone and launching it clear across the bridge, the low sound of it landing in the grass confirming his suspicion. Remaining like this for two heartbeats, Delirious blew a raspberry, turned right, and trotted over to the railing, leaning over it as he watched the river beneath him flow in silence.

The Pegasus sat like this for a long while, his brain wracked with nothing, but filled with millions at the same time.

Vanoss was his friend. Sure, they killed each other a lot, and both were almost complete dicks to each other, but they were still friends. Friends stuck with one another, and Vanoss had not stuck with his friend this time. He had chosen money. Greed. He had chosen to remain by a mare he barely even knew's side, intent on selling items that he only talked about as a joke.

Delirious sighed at his reflection, his frown remaining, but his anger subsiding into sadness.

The mask, the one thing he loved, the one thing he was known for, frowned back at him.

Slowly, something appeared next to the mask, an orange figure with a hat.

The figure stared into the river for what seemed to be hours, before she spoke, "Y'all feelin' okay, Sugarcube?"

Delirious gave no response at first, but finally uttered, "Y-yeah," turning around and straightening himself. "I'm fine."

Applejack raised an unbelieving eyebrow, staring blankly at Delirious as he stared back.

"Now listen Delirious. Y'all may not know this 'cuz yer new an' all, but Ah'm the Element of Honesty, and true to its name," she said, before leaning toward the Pegasus, eyes squinted, "Ah sure as heck can find out if somepony's lyin' ta me. Now, what's the matter, Sugarcube?"

"There's nothing wrong, you fucking bitch."

Applejack reeled back, barely an inch, a frown on her face. She was about to open her mouth to protest at his insult, but he surprised her with a simple sentence.

"I'm sorry."

Applejack blinked. "Where's Delirious and what have ya done with him?"

"Funny," Delirious replied, a bit too sarcastically as the mare smiled at him. Suddenly raising a brow, Delirious leaned to his right, eyeing the large wooden cart connected to the mare by a red saddle. "What the fuck's that thing? Some kinda juicer?"

Glancing back at the cart, Applejack shook her head lightly, "No no no, Delirious. This is mah apple cart, Ah'm 'bout to head into the marketplace to sell some, since the whole meetin' with Twilight's through with." Watching as Delirious stood silently, she asked simply, "Y'all wanna come with me?"

Delirious snickered, holding a hoof to his mouth as Applejack rolled her eyes.

"What are ya, three?"

"N-no, heh, I'm two." Delirious replied, a smile on his lips.

"Offer still stands, Sugarcube-"

"Yeah, fuck it. Why not. Can we just stay away from the west side, though?"

The mare raised a brow, but decided not to question it, "Don't ya worry, apple cart's in the central area, over by Sugarcube Corner. C'mon, let's get goin' before the day's over an' done with, alright?"

Delirious grinned, "Yeah, let's fuckin' go."

"And while we're at it, y'all could tell me what's the matter," Applejack began, walking in front of Delirious as he stopped midstep. Looking back, she added, "don't think Ah forgot about that. Ah ain't gonna let nothin' bother no friend of mine. C'mon."

Delirious seethed, cursed, and groaned, but ultimately, finally, picked up his hooves and began to trot after the mare as the sun began its descent.

Author's Note

Fun fact: The original title for this chapter was Bros Before Bananoes.

Also, please tell me if you enjoyed this chapter, as I myself do not find it exactly up to scale. I haven't written for this since November, and it'll help me get back into the swing of things again. Hope you enjoyed, nevertheless. I plan to update once every week, on Friday or Saturday, if not the former. This chapter was a special for you all. :ajsmug:

Delirious' Lament

"Thank ya kindly, Noteworthy."

"No problem, Applejack. Your apples are definitely something to get out of the house for! Have a great day!"

"You too, Noteworthy!" Applejack called, waving the stallion off with a hoof. Raising the appendage to the side of her mouth, she added, "Say 'hi' to Octavia fer me!"

Noteworthy looked back for a second, a wide grin on his face as he shouted back, "I will!"

Watching Noteworthy leave, Applejack smiled, placing the collected bits into the bin next to her, counting them in silence before turning to her left and grabbing her notepad. Quickly looking over the list, she hummed and put it back in its previous position, awaiting her next customer.

The sun in the sky was now halfway down to its nighttime position behind the Macintosh Mountains, an orange haze slowly growing brighter as the celestial object continued its daily descent. Though there were less ponies still lingering around the marketplace than there were in the daytime, a substantial amount still remained, intent on gathering what was left of the day's wares before heading off to home for the night.

Applejack had decided to remain there out of the kindness of her heart. Besides, there was always somepony to buy around there. But even she, the stubborn, workhorse Applejack had to admit that she was tired. And this admission was confirmed by the small bags nestled under her eyes, the mare's upbeat behavior as she grinned and looked for customers betraying it entirely.

Adjusting the Stetson atop her head, Applejack scanned the marketplace for any potential buyers, only being interrupted by the sound of a low, almost absent and unnoticeable sigh next to her. Glancing over to the source, Applejack found a masked blue Pegasus, head on the wooden counter-top of the apple stand and sitting on his haunches, staring straight ahead at nothing in particular, as if doing so was honestly the only thing he had to do.

Applejack frowned.

A bit at him, but mostly at herself.

She wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to help him in what was bothering him.

Poor guy had remained quiet the entire time the two had been there, not saying a single word. She wanted to help, but she didn't want to push anything. If he didn't want to talk about it, that was fine by her.

But at the same time, she wasn't necessarily okay with it.

Applejack suddenly grew aware of the fact that she had been staring at him the whole time, and immediately turned back to the rest of the area, coughing into a hoof involuntarily. She decided to ignore her inner thoughts. Sitting on her haunches, a white apron strapped to her, Applejack looked straight ahead for what seemed like hours, the sun growing dimmer and dimmer as both ponies sat in complete silence.

The heat of Celestia's sun gave way to the slight chill of Luna's moon as day turned to night. Applejack sighed, craning her neck to take her apron off. The day was done, and all the mare had to do was pack up the accumulated bits of the day, strap herself to the apple cart, and head home. Placing the apron onto the stand, Applejack turned to her right to retrieve the bits. Hoof poised to grab the box, she stopped.

The hoof shook.

And felt for a hooful of bits. Applejack turned tail, walking over to the stallion still sitting next to her. Standing still for two silent heartbeats, she placed the bits onto the counter-top, sliding them over to him with a drag of her hoof. Nudging his shoulder, she spoke, "There ya go, Delirious. Yer pay for the day-"

"But I didn't do shit."

She raised a brow slightly, but replied, "Sure ya did. Ya came out here with me, didn't ya? Ya stayed by my side for five hours, didn't ya? That's the longest Ah've ever seen ya stand still, and Ah think that deserves a pay-"

"But I didn't work. I don't deserve your fucking pity."

"Now look-"

Delirious remained in his position, but ultimately lifted his head off the wooden counter-top, still facing forward. "Don't give me that shit. Keep your money, no reason to waste it giving it to me. I'll probably go off and buy myself some fucking hookers and food." Allowing his head to collapse back onto the stand, he added, "Always do."

"Delirious, Ah ain't havin' none o' this, alright? Quit mopin' around and tell me what's the matter!"

Delirious shifted.

Breathing heavily, Applejack continued, "Look, Sugarcube, when Ah found you overlookin' that there bridge, Ah knew right then and there that you were upset about somethin'. You didn't tell me what it was, so I let it slide, ya obviously didn't wanna talk about it. But seein' you stop talkin' for five hours? Definitely somethin' ta raise a fuss over. Now, will ya tell me what's the matter, or do Ah gotta leave yer plot here for the night and get ya in the mornin'? Ah sure as hay am alright with both."

Staring at the Pegasus, Applejack waited for his answer. After about a minute, she huffed, adjusted her hat, and simply said, "Fine," and turned toward the saddle of her apple cart. Placing a hoof on it, she heard a voice speak up from behind her.

"You want the fuckin' truth? My friend fucking abandoned me."

Applejack turned back to Delirious, finding the white mask frowning at her.

"Vanoss just up and left ya?"

Blue eyes glancing down to the wooden counter, Delirious solemnly recounted, "I don't blame him. I was outta fuckin' line. Threw a fit over some stupid mask, left the banana stand-"

"Is that where ya two went after Ah left ya? Workin' for Banana Split of all ponies?"

"Yeah. Thought selling bananas would be our best way to get some money." Delirious chuckled, "Be our best chance at chanting Banana Bus all day long, too."

Applejack walked over to her friend, standing next to him, "Ah take it didn't go over too well-"

"Yeah, no shit. Fucking bitch wanted me to put on a mask so I didn't scare people."

"Ah can see that bein' a problem-"

"Yeah, I fuckin' filled the piece of shit with lead. Vanoss called me out on my shit. I thought he'd have sided with me on it, but, well, he didn't, so I left."

Applejack frowned, hanging her head low, "Ah'm mighty sorry, Delirious-"

"Don't be. It was my fuckin' fault. I'd have done it too."

"That still doesn't give Vanoss the right to just abandon his best friend for money-"

Delirious suddenly turned toward her, brow furrowed in anger, "That's not the fucking point!" He pointed a hoof toward himself, "I would've done it to him in a fuckin' heartbeat! I'm a fucking asshole, alright?"

Applejack glared at his insulting of himself, opening her mouth to speak, only to be interrupted.

"Look." Delirious said with a sigh, pushing the air in front of him lightly, eyes shut, "I'm me. Alright? I'm H2O Delirious. I enjoy blowing things up, and killing my friends. It's fun as shit. I insult them, they insult me, we all insult each other. It's what friends do, all the time. But we're all still friends, no matter what, at the end of the day. We'll take each other's side if need be." Collapsing onto his haunches, he looked down at the grass under him, "But this time, my friend didn't back me up. And, in the long run, I wouldn't have done it either. I don't know whether ta... fuckin' hate myself, or, y'know, hate Vanoss. I can't really hate Vanoss though, 'cause that's just fuckin' unfair. We need money, and money is practically everything. It's like, magic, basically."

Applejack stared at Delirious in silence, stunned by the very idea of the pony she saw take explosions and bullets hurt.

"I dunno if you're just okay with me because Twilight wants you to be, or if you're just taking pity on me being such a loudmouth asshole, but-"

"Ah think it's mah turn to talk, Delirious."

The Pegasus looked at her in silence, but perked his ears up.

"Just because ya hate yourself don't mean it's justified, or right. Ah know ya don't think too highly of yourself, sayin' you'd do the same, but that doesn't matter, alright? Ya say money is magic, but, honestly, Sugarcube?"

"Yeah?"

"Friendship is the real magic, in the end. Without friendship, what's the point in doin' much of anything?"

Delirious looked at Applejack in silence, still sitting on the floor. Glancing down to the floor, he remained this way for awhile, not a single word escaping his mouth. Applejack stood like a statue, intent on listening to what her friend was going to say next. Blinking, she peered up at the sky, watching as Luna's white moon rose in the starry night. A few clouds dotted the air, but there were sparse enough to allow Applejack the full view of the stars. Watching them as she waited, she suddenly heard a voice speak up back on Earth.

"Y'know, Applejack," Delirious said, startling the mare. He had never used her actual name before.

"What's that, Delirious?"

"That might be the gayest shit I've ever heard in my entire fuckin' life-"

Delirious was interrupted as a hoof was thrown into his arm, the Pegasus rubbing the affected appendage immediately as he turned to Applejack, her hoof in the air post-slap. Giggling, Delirious asked, "What the fuck?!"

"Watch yer tongue, Sugarcube. Mare's 'round here don't take too kindly to all that nonsense and homophobia-"

"Well, I'm not a fuckin' homophobe, I'm just sayin'. Jesus, you've got a fuckin' arm on you."

Shaking the appendage with a smile on her lips, she remarked, "Yeah... Ah am known to have a good swing on me. Just ask Rainbow Dash."

"Who?"

Applejack waved a hoof, brow raised in confusion, "Ya didn't meet her in the hospital?"

"Was she the blue one? I can't tell you all apart."

Applejack looked at him, unblinking, a blank look on her face, "Ah really hope y'all're jokin'."

"Nope."

Silence.

"Y'all colorblind or somethin'? Ah know Rainbow is-"

Delirious suddenly rose, looking toward the sky as his eyes began to shut. Unfolding his forelegs to his sides, he gazed at the moon and let out a huge sigh, keeling over and scratching his behind with a hoof as he commented, "I'm fuckin' tired." Walking past the mare, he cast a glance to his left and his right, before turning back to the mare as he scratched the back of his head.

The mare looked at him, an eyebrow to the sky.

"I, uh, I just realized I don't have a place to stay," Delirious started, bringing a hoof to his mouth as he coughed awkwardly, "you, uh, you don't have any place I could sleep tonight, do you? I've tried to sleep in a box before, shit's fucked. Then again, there was a train like a foot away from it, but-"

Applejack nodded, "Course we do, Sugarcube, y'all can sleep in the barn! Just lemme pack up here and we'll get goin'-"

She stopped in her tracks, finding Delirious already hooked up to the apple cart's harness, white mask frowning at her as he flicked his head up the road. "Let's fuckin' go already. Damn. I'm fucking tired."

Applejack gave a cocky grin, watching as Delirious clearly struggled against the harness' weight, not saying a word despite. His blue figure stood silently, his wings tucked against his sides and his mask glancing around their surroundings, legs wobbling slightly. His black tail swished back and forth rapidly, like a dog waiting for its owner. Careful to avoid his suspicion, Applejack strained her right eye and leaned the same way, intending to glance at his cutie mark, but found a blue wing in its way. Frowning, she looked back up to Delirious, who looked back at her and cocked his head.

Her cocky grin morphed into a genuine smile as she said finally, "Well, let's get goin' then, pardner."

Delirious nodded, and followed Applejack in the moonlight as they began to travel to Sweet Apple Acres.

Along the way, Luna's moon casting a white light upon the roadway, Applejack turned her head to find Delirious, a few paces away from her position. Raising her voice slightly, she said, "Y'all should probably get ahead o' me in case anythin' falls out."

Watching as he struggled to get past her, she added as he trotted up next to her, "Yer legs included."

"Oh fuck you. I can pull this shit, just... gimme a second."

Applejack gave an innocent look and chuckled, "If ya say so, Delirious."

Receiving nothing but a low growl in response, Applejack smirked as the Pegasus worked his way in front of the mare, the apple cart and its contents in full view of the orange mare hanging behind.

The two walked in silence the rest of the way, Delirious' pained pants of distress excluded, and soon found themselves walking past the white gate of Sweet Apple Acres. Holding the gateway open for him, Applejack trotted in after Delirious, who kept walking for two heartbeats until he halted a few feet away from Applejack, finally collapsing on the ground in a heap.

Galloping over to him, the mare cocked an eyebrow as she glanced down at the fallen Pegasus, who could only glare straight ahead as he gasped for air in the night.

Finally settling down, he sat for two second before commenting.

"Fuck this," and scrambling to his hooves, free from the harness. Looking up at Applejack, the mask frowned at her. "What's so funny?"

"Nothin' Sugarcube," she replied instantly, covering her mouth with a hoof, "y'all just... don't look in the apple cart, alright?"

His eyes narrowed as he betrayed her advice, walking over to the apple cart and peering inside.

An empty husk of refined, polished wood met his gaze, and Delirious' ears flattened against his head as he heard the unrestrained laughs from behind him. Turning around, he stalked past the giddy mare.

"And where are you goin', exactly?"

"The barn."

"It's mah barn," she said, watching as he turned his head her way. "Y'all've gotta get mah permission," she added with a hoof to her chest.

Delirious rolled his eyes and admitted, "I'm not even in the mood for this Applejack. I'm fucking tired, my legs are dead, and now I've got some horse keeping me from sleeping."

She grinned, "Are ya... are ya feelin' a little.... hoarse?"

Delirious looked at her in silence for one, two, and three seconds, before he turned back around and stalked off toward the barn, ignoring the laughter from the mare behind him.

"Hey."

He kept walking.

"Hey, hey, hey now."

Applejack walked beside him.

"Ah was just jokin'. C'mon now, don't be like that-"

"I'm just fucking tired."

"Well.... alright. Barn's just up ahead, y'all can sleep next to the tools."

Delirious looked at her with a look of glee, to which she glared at him and added, "Don't get any ideas."

The Pegasus deflated, but kept pace with the mare as they found themselves in front of the barn. Walking ahead, she pushed the door open and heard it creak before turning her head to find Delirious, a blank look on his face as he surveyed the barn in utter silence. Blue eyes looking back at the mare, he said simply, "It's fucking dark as shit."

"Oh, don't be such a scaredy-cat. Ah'll get you a lantern or something."

Delirious groaned, but found himself walking past the mare and into the barn, continuing to do so until he found himself in the middle of the building, the moonlight peeking in through the windows and casting a concentrated light on him. Twirling around, he raised his forelegs and proclaimed, "I. Am. God."

Applejack looked at him with an incredulous look, before giggling and turning to her left. Walking toward the basket, she bent over, picking up an old knitted blanket and turning tail, trotting toward Delirious as he watched her every move. Throwing the blanket to him, she smirked, "There ya go, Sugarcube. Lantern's on the barrel next to the tools, oil's already in it so y'all don't need to refill it."

"Yeah, fuck that shit. It was hard in Amnesia."

"Excuse me?"

Delirious coughed out a quick, "Nothing," in response, before he about-faced, walking over to his resting place, blanket draped over his back. Leering at the large pile of hay, his expression softened as he proceeded to walk a circle around it, before simply collapsing onto his side and throwing the blanket over himself. Worming around on the stalks of hay, he twisted and turned before stopping altogether, suddenly looking up at the mare currently watching him with an amused expression on her face.

Frowning grumpily, he commented, "Enjoying the show?"

"Maybe a little." Turning to her right, she walked toward the lantern sitting on the barrel, fiddling with its casing until she finally got it to work, casting a yellow light upon Delirious' white mask, staring at her in the previously dark corner of the barn. The two stared at each other in silence, before Delirious raised a hoof to his mouth, yawning.

"I'm fuckin' tired."

"Alright. Ah'll let ya sleep then," Applejack said, turning to leave the barn. Reaching the door, she raised a hoof to push the entrance open, interrupted by a voice behind her.

"Hey, wait."

Frowning, she turned her head and asked, "Yeah, Sugarcube?"

The voice halted for what seemed like hours, before Delirious' head peered out from behind the lantern-bearing barrel.

The Pegasus called, simply.

"Thank you, Applejack."

The mare lidded her eyes, not expecting his gratitude. Smiling, she called back, "You're very welcome, Delirious. Now, y'all need yer sleep. Go to bed."

The stallion chuckled in response, "Yeah, alright. Night, Applejack."

"G'night, Delirious."

Applejack opened the door, and disappeared from sight.

Watching as the door closed, Delirious sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to nothing but the hooting of the owl outside and the wind whistling gently against the window next to him. Sniffing the air, he caught the whiff of apples and dirt, crinkling his nose at the latter but letting it go from the former. Staring into nothing, the stillness of the empty barn met him.

He was alone.

Glancing down then back up again, the white mask frowned.

Underneath the mask, however, a large smile had formed.

Tensing up as he wrapped the blanket around his body tightly, Delirious sat up in the lantern-lit interior of the Apple Family barn, feeling the chill of the night creeping against his body. Looking to his left, blue eyes scanned the various farm tools lining the shelf, a low whistle escaping Delirious' lips. Looking back to the middle of the barn, the Pegasus sat quietly.

He smiled softly, leaning toward the lantern.

Feeling sleep find its way into his system, he allowed his eyes to lid, casting one last glance around the barn.

Looking back to the lantern, the flame inside danced in his vision, casting a yellow light upon his mask and the area around him.

Sighing, he leaned forward, and blew out the candle.

Author's Note

If there's ever been a chapter I've hated, it's this one. God dammit. I hope you guys see it differently than I do. Writer's bias and all that. Hope you enjoyed. I didn't. Still don't. ~~Keep in mind I wrote this when I was depressed.~~ Fuck it. That's no excuse for utter shit.

I'm sorry. I promise the next chapter will be better. 1,000x better. Promise.

Cockatoo-dle Doo

"So, what. Scrambled, or fried?"

Applejack turned her head, spatula nestled inside the frying pan. Looking toward the table, she found a small yellow filly glaring down at a piece of paper in front of her. Frowning, Applejack retrieved the spatula from the pan and trotted over to her little sister in silence. Standing over her, she waited for her response, but received nothing as the filly continued to stare at the paper. Rolling her green eyes, Applejack spoke firmly.

"Apple Bloom. Scrambled or fried?"

She gave no response, her previous action being the older mare's only feedback.

"Hey."

Apple Bloom ignored her.

Grabbing the spatula from her apron, she coiled a hoof around it and tapped the filly's outstretched foreleg lightly. "Apple Bloom."

Applejack continued her onslaught and kept on prodding. Not a mere second later, the victim sprang up and groaned, "Whaaaat? Ah'm tryin' ta Crusade here-"

"By lookin' at a piece o' paper? Doe'n't seem too productive to me."

"Ya wouldn't understand. Yer old."

Applejack gave short breaths of disbelief, blinking wildly at her little sister who resumed what she was doing. Screwing up her face, she sputtered, "Did y'all just call me old? Really?"

Apple Bloom waved a hoof, "Yeah. Yer like, thirty four or somethin'."

Applejack sneered, "Apple Bloom, Ah'm twenny three."

The filly ignored her once more, only humming as she mumbled to herself, a hoof tracing a line across the paper before her.

"Apple Bloom, did you even hear me?"

Her head snapped up and looked to her right, a hoof adjusting the bow in her mane. "Uh..." she began, looking down before beaming, "Sure!"

"What did Ah say then?"

The filly glanced at nothing to her left, mulling on the matter with a droning, "Uh....."

The older mare rolled her eyes, sighing. "Ah asked ya if ya wanted scrambled eggs or fried eggs-"

"Oh. Sorry, sis," Apple Bloom apologized, tapping a hoof on her chin before ordering, "uh, fried. Please!"

Tutting as she walked back to the frying pan, her sister threw her gaze over her shoulder with a smile. "Y'all almost forgot, now, huh? Try not ta next time, or there won't be a next time. Y'all can cook yer own food after that."

The filly groaned, her eyes flying back to her Crusading papers before she suddenly snapped to attention, eyes wide. Turning around in her chair, she asked, "Hey, sis? When's Deli Rum gonna get up?"

Applejack almost broke down in a fit of laughter, stifling it quickly with a swing of a hoof to her mouth. Choking on a lung, she barely contained herself, but kept her composure long enough to look at her sister and correct her, "His name ain't Deli Rum, as funny as that is. It's Delirious. Like, ya know, when Ah spend too much time outside workin' and Ah'm all loopy and hazy."

"Oh...."

Sitting in silence, the two looked away from each other before Applejack coughed into a hoof and claimed, "Well, he should be gettin' up soon, hopefully. Ah made him breakfast, and Ah don't want it ta get cold before he can get to it. Mighty shame if Ah had ta waste a couple eggs on a lazy stallion-"

"Cockadoodle doo!"

"For the last fucking time you little bitch, I'm still fucking tired!"

Turning her head slowly, Apple Bloom met her sister's gaze.

"He seems nice."

Her older sister stood in silence for what seemed like hours, as if contemplating something extremely difficult, before simply replying, "Yeah," only to be interrupted yet again.

"Cockadoodle doo!"

A loud groan sounded out, the rooster clucking twice more, before the voice shouted.

"Last fucking time you piece of shit! Do it again, I'm wringing your neck and stuffing you in the fucking toaster!"

Silence.

Apple Bloom and Applejack stared outside anxiously.

"Please don't..." Applejack whispered quietly, hoping the stallion could somehow hear her from across the yard. Biting her lower lip, she leaned upward on the tips of her hooves, attempting to get a better view.

"Cockadoodle- GAHK!"

Apple Bloom's eyes growing wide, she glanced up at her sister with a look of worry. Her sister turned her head, mirroring her expression.

Thud.

Thud.

Thud.

The back door suddenly swung open, a very angry looking stallion splattered in egg yolk and bird dung leering quietly into the house, the perpetrator grasped tightly in a light blue hoof. Standing at the doorway, the mask frowned furiously, before turning left and right, finally stopping as it glared at the kitchen. The Pegasus growled, not even acknowledging the presence of the two mares in the room, and stalked past Applejack, who glanced behind her and saw what he did.

A large, metallic, silver box stood next to the cutting board, a black plug coming from behind it and finding its way into an outlet even further behind it.

Applejack froze.

The toaster.

"Wait, Delirious-"

"Don't." He said, stopping mid-step. Raising a hoof to his mask, he felt across the white surface, dragging the appendage down, and promptly flung it outward, a large amount of egg yolk flying toward the ground with the action, splattering on the wooden floor with a sickening schlip. Standing like a statue, still dripping from head to toe of bird excretions, he turned his head and jabbed a hoof in the air in front of him. "Don't. You fucking. Dare." Placing the appendage back to the ground, he raised its cousin into the air, the squirming, purple-faced chicken along with it as he hissed, "This little shit fuckin' woke me up, chirped at me, and shat all over me. Don't fuckin' deny me this, I swear to fuckin'-"

"Put 'im down."

Delirious stopped, leaning to his right to look over Applejack's shoulder, who turned her head as well.

Apple Bloom stood out of her chair, a glare on her brow and determination in her voice.

"Please."

Applejack turned to Delirious, and, shockingly, watched as his foreleg slowly lowered to the ground, the chicken wriggling free and squawking loudly as it practically flew out of the house and back to its coop with the rest of its race.

A look of pure confusion on her face, Applejack stuttered, "W-wow-"

"Shit, I'm sorry-"

Apple Bloom cleared her throat.

Loudly.

"I mean, uh, shoot. Sorry."

The filly nodded, and walked up to Delirious, extending a hoof his way with a small smile on her face.

"Ah'm Apple Bloom. Applejack's little sis."

Delirious blinked, coughing into a hoof before reaching it out to the filly's...

...who promptly slapped it, the much older stallion recoiling in pain as he shouted, "Ow! What the fuck was that for?!"

Raising a brow, she glanced at him in silence.

Delirious groaned slightly, rephrasing, "'Ow. What the heck was that for'." Looking down at the filly, he extended his hoof again, but only received a wordless glance at the foreleg in response. Blinking at it, he finally dragged the hoof along his blue fur, and jabbed it in front of him again. Finally, wordlessly, the two shook hooves, one smiling deeply with her eyes shut, and the other glancing about as if in a panic, cracked egg shells, yolk, and bird poop still sticking to every inch of his body.

Applejack sputtered. What she had just seen was practically unbelievable. Blinking wildly, she gasped, "How in the hay did ya manage that, sis?"

"Ah just did. Don't ask me how, Ah don't really understand it either. But hey!" Apple Bloom replied, throwing her head his way, "He ain't cryin' bloody murder anymore! And he can eat-"

The Pegasus' head suddenly drew back, the mask frowning in confusion as it stared at the filly in front of him. "Eat?"

"Eeyup," Applejack said, mimicking her brother as she caught Delirious' attention. Waving a hoof toward the kitchen, she spoke happily, "made ya fried eggs an' hay bacon! Ah was gonna try ta wake you up before it got cold, but, well, seein' as how ya kinda did that yourself..." she trailed off, looking to the apron still tied around her body. Hearing sniffling, she quickly glanced up to find Delirious sitting on his haunches, both forelegs raised in front of his face as his eyes sparkled.

"It smells so fuckin' delicious...."

Smirking, Applejack replied happily, "Well, Ah made it for you. Y'all're free ta dig in-"

She was interrupted as she dodged to her right, a blue streak speeding by her to assess the breakfast food. Laughing, she watched as Delirious scrambled to find a plate in the cabinets above his head, but suddenly felt a nudge against her hindleg. Craning her neck, she found her little sister standing behind her, a slightly disappointed look on her face as she asked, "What about me?"

Seething, she cursed, "Shoot. Ah'm sorry, sis. Delirious hasn't had too much ta eat lately, ya mind waitin' a bit for your servin'?"

The filly sighed, kicking the floor beneath her hooves with a groan.

Turning around to begin walking to the fridge, she about tackled Delirious, who looked at her, blue eyes wide, a fork piled high with eggs grasped in front of his mask and his plate raised up to chin level, mid-eating. He looked at her in silence, as if he had just been caught eating out of the cookie jar, before he slowly put the fork back down on the plate, peering down at Apple Bloom. Walking up to her, he waved the plate in front of her face, the filly catching notice and looking up at him with a mixture of want and disbelief.

Enunciating his words with a slight jab of his plate, Delirious finally said, "Just take the damn thing. I can eat something else."

Smiling, Apple Bloom looked to her sister with a look of glee on her face. She looked back, and simply smiled back.

"Thank ya Deli Ross!"

"It's Delirious."

"Oh. Sorry! Thank ya, Delirious! Mighty kind of ya!" she shouted, an ear-to-ear grin on her face as she turned tail and ran back to the kitchen table, egg and hay bacon-topped plate nestled in her teeth.

Standing in silence, Delirious turned his head to find Applejack staring at him, a smile on her face. "That was real kind a you Delirious."

"Yeah," he replied, rubbing his stomach absent-minded, "don't expect that too much. I can't be a dick to a fuckin' kid. And how the fuck could I say 'no' to that face?"

Applejack chuckled, before turning around to reach for the refrigerator, "Y'all still want some eggs? We've got a few left."

"Yeah, sure. I don't got much ta do anyway."

Coming out from behind the fridge door with a carton of eggs teetered atop her hoof, Applejack replied, "Well, y'all could always help out on the farm. Summer Harvest ain't 'til a few days, but we'll need all the hooves we can get."

Delirious nodded vigorously, "I don't see the fuck not. I mean, ya did kinda save my ass back with those bark bitches, and paid for my hospital bill, and gave me a place to stay-"

Applejack raised a hoof, silencing him, "Ain't no need to blabber 'bout th' details. Ah'll let ya know when we need ya. Might not be until the Harvest actually comes."

"Well, alright-"

"Hey, Delirious!"

Turning his head, the stallion called, "Yeah, Apple Bloom?"

"Ya wanna come see what Ah'm workin' on?" the filly asked, swiveling around in her chair to face Delirious.

He looked at Applejack, who waved a hoof forward with a sly look on her face. Groaning, Delirious walked over to the yellow filly, standing to her right as she fumbled with the sheet of paper. Grabbing a nearby pencil, she scribbled a final sentence and grasped the sheet, holding it up to Delirious, who gave a look of curiosity at what he saw.

Words at the top told him that he was looking at a plan for something called the Crusaders. Raising a brow, his blue eyes traveled down the paper to find various drawings of activities, each accompanied by a trio of yellow, orange, and white stick figures. Chuckling, Delirious commented, "Damn, you're an artist, aren't ya?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes slightly, frowning, "Now ain't a good tahm ta lie ta me, Delirious. This ain't no Picasso." Watching as Delirious looked at the three figures, Apple Bloom cleared her throat before he could speak, pointing a hoof at the yellow one. "That's me." Pointing to the orange one, she said, "That's mah friend, Scootaloo." Finally, she placed a hoof on the white figure, "and that's Sweetie Belle."

Watching as Delirious gave a look of misunderstanding, Apple Bloom cleared her throat, waving a hoof to Delirious, beckoning him to come closer. Confused, he did so, flicking an ear upward as Apple Bloom went up to it. She remained this way for what seemed like a lifetime, Delirious growing weary, until suddenly, she erupted.

"WE'RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

Delirious fell to the floor, clutching his ears as he screamed bloody murder, writhing on the floor as if in a seizure. Wide eyed, Applejack stopped her wild laughter to run to his side, only stopping as she watched him suddenly spread-eagle on the floor, staring straight up toward the ceiling in complete betrayal to his behavior not seconds before. Peering over to Applejack as she stalked over with bated breath, he looked back up to the ceiling and placed his hooves over his stomach, rubbing his chest slowly as he spoke.

"Jesus fuck-"

"Y'all okay?"

Delirious nipped, once, twice, before speaking again, "Yeah-"

"Good!" Applejack shouted, throwing a hoof into the wall next to her as she laughed wildly, "'cuz that was funnier than a wheelbarrow with square tires!"

Delirious growled slightly, but said simply, "You've got a weird ass sense of humor...."

The mare chuckled, still doing so as she walked over to Delirious and threw a hoof his way. Begrudgingly, he accepted, getting off the floor and dusting himself off as he looked to the yellow filly still laughing her ass off at the table, a fork piled high with eggs in her hooves. Narrowing his blue eyes, Delirious prodded the air in front of him, "Yo, Bloom. I wouldn't fuckin' touch that shit."

The filly turned her head his way, the same look on her face he had bore prior to giving her the meal.

"Whah?" She finally asked, suspiciously glaring at him.

Delirious fell to his haunches and threw his forelegs up to his face, pantomiming the flipping of an object.

Apple Bloom used her fork and did so, and thoroughly stopped talking as she noticed the distinct smell of literal chicken shit, the perpetrator sitting comfortable underneath her eggs, spilled across the entire plate and covering the bottom of her food. Lightly pushing the plate away from her, she turned her head toward Delirious and Applejack and gave a sheepish grin.

Snorting, Delirious waved a hoof over, "C'mon. Let's go get some other food-"

"Y'all just wasted at least five of our eggs," Applejack dead-panned, a blank look on her face.

"So? I don't give a shit." Looking down at Apple Bloom, he spoke, "Do you give a shit, Apple Bloom?"

Apple Bloom simply shook her head, and Delirious laughed before looking back up at Applejack, "See? Besides, you live on a fuckin' farm! And after what I did to that chicken, I'm sure you could... convince him ta fuckin' hand over a few more eggs."

"Roosters don't lay eggs, Delirious."

"They don't have teeth, either. So what? Make him."

And with that, Delirious walked toward the door, following the bouncing yellow filly who called, "We'll be back, sis!"

Waving a hoof, Applejack replied likewise, "Well, alright then! Just... watch him, alright?! Make sure he doesn't get inta any trouble!"

"I will!" Apple Bloom shouted, opening the door and running outside, turning back to the house to speak solely to Delirious as he walked up next to her.

"Ah gotta meet up with the Crusaders! Maybe y'all could come with and meet 'em!"

The mask frowned, but spoke happily, "Why the fuck not? Let's go after we fuckin' eat though, alright? You stole my fuckin' breakfast after all."

Apple Bloom giggled, "Ah wouldn't say 'stolen', Delirious. More like 'gifted'."

Delirious groaned, but spoke softly, "You think your friends will be cool with me tagging along?"

Apple Bloom turned her head to look at Delirious, and barely kept her composure as she watched him walking alongside her, cracked egg shells, egg yolk, and chicken poop still clinging to his blue figure and splattering his body and hockey mask. Turning her head quickly as he looked at her, she replied simply.

"Yeah." She giggled. "They're gonna like ya, trust me."

Author's Note

Delirious reminds me of Trevor Philips. That is all, apart from the fact that I just love the idea that Apple Bloom scares the shit out of Delirious. Makes this so much more interesting.

Also, tenth chapter already. Damn. Feels like forever since I wrote the first. Have an early one this time. You guys deserve it after last week.

Mountains Can't Be Friends

The stallion awoke with a start.

Jolting up in bed, he nipped loudly, brown eyes scanning his bedroom before sleepily raising his fore hooves to his eyes, wiping them vigorously before placing the appendages back onto the bed sheets. Sighing with a mixture of content and joy, the stallion smiled deeply, slapped his hooves together, and quickly scrambled out of bed, intent on retrieving a bite to eat before getting to work.

Walking into his kitchen with a gaping, wide-mouthed yawn, he licked his lips idly and swept his sight around the room, brain searching for any kind of breakfast foods. Suddenly thinking correctly, he turned tail to look at the clock behind him, and noticed that it was in fact lunch time. Turning his head back to the brown cabinets, he grumbled lightly and cursed his luck. Now that he thought about it, he had a box of Cheerilee-o's waiting for just this occasion.

Or, well, an occasion that was not to be, as it was lunch time and not breakfast time.

Blowing a raspberry, he looked to his right and eyed his refrigerator with a slight look of disgust.

He was really in the mood for cereal, but the fact that it was about midday stopped him.

Sitting on his haunches, he placed a hoof on his bearded chin and began to think.

Sure, it was lunch time, and cereal was generally considered lunch time food, but on the other hoof, rules were rules! They were meant to be broken, slandered, destroyed like the ambitions of a prepubescent teenager finding out what was in his hamburger at Hay Burger's! After all, ponies not eating meat was just a myth, and besides, meat was good, and good for you. And then again, back to the cereal, it would be kind of wrong to eat cereal for lunch. I mean, seriously, who ate cereal for lunch and actually felt good about their lives? It probably didn't even have the right amount of vitamins and minerals for the stallion's busy lifestyle!

A hoof still on his chin, he raised the other to pat himself on the head, thinking like a red-shirted yellow grizzly bear ignoring his pink piglet asshole friend. He sat this way for hours, thinking on the difficult, life-altering decision. Suddenly, he went wide-eyed, sweat pouring down his brow as he placed his hoof over his mouth in shock. What if he was late for work just for thinking about all this? What if he suddenly fell asleep during a board meeting? What if Mrs. Punch finally found him jerking off to birds in the worker's lounge?

He thought.

And he sat.

He was not a depressed blue prick, so he did not stay like this for long, and suddenly, finally, raised a single hoof into the air, arched his brow, and grinned to the sky.

"Fuck it."

And, as suddenly as was proclaimed, he reached for the cereal box in the cabinet above him, retreated to his fridge and grabbed a few eggs, and picked a moldy apple from his bird's cage, fresh of course. Wait. Moldy app-

Thinking quickly, he threw all three food items into a frying pan, turned the heat up on his stove, cranked that shit up to eleven, and watched as the beautiful masterpiece came to fruition. Getting an idea, he returned to his refrigerator and grabbed a jug of milk his friend Ross had left behind. Holding it to eye level, he grumbled, "Shhhit," noticing the jug's almost-empty state.

Rolling his eyes, he half-shrugged and went back to his sizzling, crackling, and practically burning frying pan. Hit with inspiration, he remembered something, turned tail once again, and reached for the cabinet above his head. Flinging the door open, he swiftly grabbed the plastic jar of nuts and threw them into his concoction as well, smiling deeply as he grabbed a nearby pepper shaker and tapped it against the metallic rim of the pan, coughing lightly as some immediately popped out in response, a small mess suddenly appearing around his stove top.

Staring, he didn't realize until all too late the large amount of liquid in his pan, and only noticed once the boiling egg yolks threatened to scald his hoof. Looking back to the victimized appendage in silence, he flung his hoof as if he had a hangnail with a barely-into-it, "Eh, whatever."

Looking into the pan, he found a horrible disfigurement of yellow, gold, white, brown, and red staring back at him, looking like something straight out of Moosebumps. Like a goblin-

Ech, ew. He didn't like goblins.

Eugh, fuck that.

Something else then.

Like, a monster. Sure. Glancing down again, he finalized his thought and proclaimed to his silent household.

"This shit looks fuckin' scrumptious." Raising his hoof to his lips, he kissed it sloppily with a loud mwah, continuing as he picked the pan off the stove, "'f I fuckin' took this... took this shit to fuckin'... Marester Chef or somethin', I'd get first prize. One million, one billion, infinite whole bits. I'd be, well, I'd be set for life."

Walking calmly over to his kitchen table, he dropped the frying pan onto the wooden surface, not a care in the world as the area around it smoldered black from heat. Waving a yellow hoof around under his nose, he smiled and clenched his eyes shut. "Goddamn beautiful."

Taking a seat, he looked around for a fork, finally spotting one in the living room, atop his brown coffee table where he had left it earlier. A single slice of ham sat next to it, a large brown revolver holster sitting close by. Chortling, he got up and walked into the room. Feeling a different atmosphere, he stopped mid-step, looking around with a feeling of oddity. A large TV sat to his left, a large assortment of video game consoles gathered around it like Romans and a Pope. Looking to the floor near the large couch in the middle of the room, he found a blue controller, completely obliterated and smashed to pieces, the culprit possibly located on the floor a foot away from it, the controller itself almost entirely tucked beneath the couch like sawdust.

Last week's, to be exact.

Narrowing his brown eyes in suspicion, the stallion slowly inched toward the fork on the coffee table, lips trembling this way and that as sweat drenched his entire brow, and then his entire face, reminiscent of an Amish man in his own paradise. Quickly, he grabbed the fork, clutching it close to his chest, eyes scrambling the area, from the TV, to the table, and to the plushies sitting atop his shelf to his right. One in particular stared at him as he noticed it, a very grumpy expression on its face.

Frowning slightly, he bowed his head and sighed, before coughing into a hoof and trotting back to his meal. Taking the fork out to the light, he examined it with a look of expectations unmet, but nodded lightly, ready to take whatever the tool was about to present him. Slowly inching it toward the pan's contents, he bit his bottom lip and looked away, eyes shut. Feeling it stab the grotesque cuisine, he gave a small, "Ooh!" of wariness, before slowly facing forward once again.

Raising a brow, he hummed, prodding the liquid/solid all the while. Swirling the contents, he watched as a single Cheerilee-o floated into view, phasing completely into the bubble of an egg yolk, a nut slowly popping into view from underneath the dark denizens of the disgusting soup encompassing the whole pan.

Tilting his head, he stabbed the side of the egg yolk, letting in a small group of pepper that merged with the Cheerilee-o. Withdrawing quickly, he sucked in a breath, expecting something to happen. When nothing came, he ran a hoof through his dark brown hair, mouth forming an O as he blew out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Likewise, he suddenly swallowed a lump he didn't know he bore prior.

Staring back down into the frying pan, he dropped the fork into the black soup, throwing both hooves onto the table as he got out of his seat, cracking an eye wide open and clamping the other completely shut, glaring suspicious daggers at the container.

The silence of his abode met him. Opening his one eye even wider, he leaned even further toward the frying pan.

Suddenly, a bubble sprang up. A brown iris sprang to life, switching to its right side as the bubble grew larger and larger. The stallion leaned in further. And the bubble popped like its cousin in a magma pool.

And nothing happened.

"Welllll I think that's enough stalling. Let's do this hoopascotch."

Grabbing the fork by his side, he stabbed it into the egg yolk.

Suddenly, a loud explosion erupted in his world, knocking him backward into the white wall behind him. Grimacing, he stretched his limbs, listening to the sound of his smoke detector going off in the form of ear-piercing screeches. Groaning loudly, he grabbed hold of the wall around him and pulled himself free, his skull smacking into the floor before he even realized he was falling. Rising to his hooves, he shook his head as he heard another sound reverberate through his head.

"Holy shit. Jon. What the fuck are you doing?"

"Fuck off, bird," Jon replied, gritting his teeth as he held his head. Cracking his eyes open, he found the green conure hovering in front of him. Waving a hoof, he turned his head and found a black-crested crater in the form of himself. Suddenly self-aware, he looked downward, feeling all over his body, his yellow fur and brown mane still the same as usual. Scratching his beard, he looked at the bird still hovering next to him. "You fuckin'- you fuckin' staring at me while I look at myself? Fuckin' weirdo."

"Jon. You really need to go outside-"

Jon raised a hoof, sucking in his lips, "Now listen Jacques, I don't go around telling you to stop doing seed."

Just as he said so, a small bag fell from his companion's feathers.

The two stared at one another for what seemed like hours before the bird broke the silence.

"Shit."

"Didn't think so."

Jacques remained mid-air, turning his head to survey the damage in the house. The wall and the table were not in the best of shape, and the same most certainly couldn't be said for the poor frying pan, the cookware having disappeared out the now broken window, the glass completely and utterly shattered, fragments both on the carpet inside and outside in the sunlight. Flapping his wings, Jacques flew up to the window, tilting his head.

"Jesus Christ." Turning his head, he asked, "Did you decide to make some disgusting breakfast again?"

"No, it's lunch time you asshole."

"Whatever," he replied, rolling his red eyes and turning back to the window. Perking up, he took notice of a sound far off in the distance. Craning his neck, he heard the sound of hoofsteps behind him, not even paying attention as his Earth pony owner called.

"What is it, man?" He asked in a hushed voice, "Little Timmy fall down the well again?"

Jacques ignored him, hovering closer to the window as he listened intently to the sounds still playing deeper into the town. Jacques hummed, and flew up to look outside.

All seemed normal in Ponyville. Through the cracks of the various rooftops, he saw ponies continuing their daily toil in the marketplace, a red Earth pony catching the bird's eye, yelling words he couldn't hear with bushels of bananas in hoof. Turning back to the view of the whole town, his vision was suddenly filled with fire. Behind a set of houses, less than ten blocks down, erupted a large explosion, the likes of which Jacques had never seen in his entire life.

Moving to the right slightly, he was joined by Jon, who screwed his face up and asked simply, "The fuck's goin' on out there?"

No answer came, the sudden appearance of a blue Pegasus halting any answer that could have came, a new hole marking his entrance in the side of Jon's house. Jon turned, brow raised in both surprise and fear for the Pegasus' safety. Taking a single step, he stopped as the masked stallion rose, bits of paint and wood sliding off his yolk-and-dung-covered coat as he shook his body. Growling, he reached to the floor, retrieving a frying pan, its interior coated black from crisp delivery.

"Hey man, that's my frying pan-"

The masked Pegasus turned, bearing his teeth as he breathed heavily out of his nostrils, blue eyes narrowed to almost impossible levels as he menacingly hissed.

"Fuck off, bitch."

Jon lowered his hoof, watching as the Pegasus' frown turned into a smile for a brief second, before returning to its previous state as his head turned back toward the large hole in the side of the house like a hawk. Grasping the frying pan, he slid his hoof down its side, not even noticing as a piece of bird dung slid off his cheek and onto the floor below.

Flaring his wings, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "Don't think you took me out motherfucker! I'm comin', and you're gonna fuckin' give me my fucking fries you fuckin' bitch!"

And with that, he flew out the door, screaming a war cry all the while. Jon and Jacques watched him go, leaning to the side to peer through the hole, the blue Pegasus flying upward into the sky before stopping midair above the previous explosion's location, suddenly dodging what appeared to be knives before yelling once more, both having to crane their necks to hear it correctly.

"I'm serving up some motherfuckin' ass beatings, bitch!"

Jon, the Earth pony, looked to the bird, Jacques, who looked back in kind.

The tension in the room was almost impossible to bear.

And suddenly, Jacques went wide-eyed, frowning slightly as he felt a sensation run through his body. And immediately, he felt relaxed. Looking back to Jon to see what exactly had happened, he found the pony looking at him in disgust.

Gazing downward, the bird found a small puddle of white bird poop. Peering back up to his owner, Jacques watched as he frowned deeply and crossed his forelegs, falling to his haunches.

"Oopsies."

"Yeah that's what I fuckin' thought."

Author's Note

Aaaaaand we're back, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks for sticking with me through all my bullshit! Hope you enjoyed!

EDIT: Fun fact, I had three different versions of this chapter I had planned, and wrote for on separate writing times. One got to 489 words, the other only got to 132.

April Showers

Apple Bloom had seen many things in her life, though young as she may have been. She had seen Nightmare Moon rise from the darkness, and she had seen her fall to Applejack and her friends. She had seen the dreaded Discord break from his stone prison, and she had seen him fall to Applejack and her friends. She was an eyewitness to the siege of Canterlot by the Changeling Queen, Chrysalis, and she had seen her fall to Applejack, her friends, and the love of two ponies.

But right here.

Right now.

There was no Applejack.

And there were none of her friends.

Nothing could have saved her from the explosive situation she was about to witness. Turning her eyes to the dire scene, she watched in horror, the entire world slowing down rapidly.

Apple Bloom sat in a stall in Hay Burger, a large plastic cup in front of her filled with soda that she had earlier requested specifically. Her body turned elsewhere, she took notice of the amount of ponies likewise sitting inside the building, munching on their burgers, their fries, and sipping at their drinks without a care in the world, completely disregarding their ultimate demise. Jaw slack, her thousand-yard gaze flew to the front of the restaurant, to the cash registers and food menu.

Walking away from said area was a large, burly Unicorn with a dark mane and a bright pink tray balanced on his hoof, a container of fresh fries and a plastic-wrapped hayburger on said tray. Next to the food, however, was a small, ripped ticket, with an even smaller number etched on its surface.

0.

Behind him, the line of ponies were stepping backward, as if attempting to reverse through the entryway, for in front of them, rising, was a blue Pegasus, a large spot of brown staining his coat in a tag team with the bits of chicken dung and egg remains he had already acquired beforehand, the perpetrator lying next to him in a pool of its own contents. Getting up, his brow furrowed, and his body tensed.

In his hoof was the other half of the ticket.

8.

Apple Bloom gulped, for the Unicorn had made a grave mistake: stealing Delirious' food.

Her eyes panned, landed, and locked, and slowly the world began to increase in speed once again. Delirious sprang up, like a cat after a butterfly, forelegs outstretched toward the unknowing Unicorn. And suddenly, the world came to.

A dull thud sounded in the building, accompanied by an ear-shattering yell.

"You takin' my fuckin' food, you little shit?!"

Delirious clambered onto the stallion and raised a hoof to strike him in the face, only to watch as the Unicorn's own hoof smashed into his gut. Keeling over in pain, he rolled off and onto the tiled floor, clutching his stomach as his opponent popped his neck, the fries and burger now spilled on the ground. Delirious sucked in a breath, quickly getting up and turning to his left.

A lunch tray flew over his head as he ducked, giving a Kubrick stare to his opponent. "I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!" Suddenly, roaring in rage, he tackled the stallion, carrying him in a Fireman's Carry as the two charged through the trash cans and tables of the establishment, knocking them to the ground and scattering their contents.

The duo crashed through the front door, knocking it off its hinges and onto the grass adjacent to it. Delirious hit the ground, making sure to roll over the Unicorn to get better ground. Rising to his hooves, he turned to his right and found the stallion, his stomach toward the sky as he attempted to get up. Thinking quickly, Delirious threw a punch his way, landing a hit on his opponent's nose. As he clutched the broken appendage, Delirious staggered backward, head woozy. Clutching it, his vision swam, and when he came to, he found himself being charged.

Bracing himself to no avail, he rolled over on the grass nearby, landing on his stomach. Growling, he stared straight forward, his peripherals showing his foe lying on the ground as well. Breathing heavily, he mused, "God... I need a fuckin' weapon!"

As if on cue, a small explosion sounded off in the distance. Wincing slightly, he about jumped out of his skin as a frying pan bounced toward him, finally settling in front of him in the grass. Looking to his right, he saw the Unicorn also looking at the frying pan. Knowing he had more strength, Delirious began to laugh, shakily rising to his hooves as he bent over and collected the weapon.

Limping over to the downed Unicorn, he patted the frying pan's surface....

...only to recoil as he raised the hoof in the air, a look of absolute disgust on his face as he attempted to shake off the atrocious slime on his hoof. Screwing up his face, he sniffed lightly, catching the whiff of nuts, eggs, and cereal. Suddenly, the pan took on a bright yellow glow. Raising a brow, he watched as his hoof moved with it in the air, before it suddenly flew out of his grasp and smacked into his face. Falling to the ground in a heap, he rubbed his cheek.

Sucking in a breath, he winced at the touch. Scouring the area in front of him for anything he could use, he found no luck.

Thinking, he reached to his side, pulling out a grenade and bringing it to his eyesight. Fiddling with it, he went to pull off the ring.

Suddenly, his eyes grew wide. Something had his tail. Panicking, he grabbed at the grass in front of him, attempting to hang on, only for the force to pull even harder. Yelling obscenities at a mile a minute, he could only watch as the grass in his hooves tore away from their cousins, and his world turned upside down, literally.

Slowly, he found himself hovering toward the Unicorn, who bore a cocky grin on his face despite the small amounts of blood leaking from his nose, his horn lit with yellow. The frying pan was grasped firmly in his two hooves.

"Listen up, you bitch."

"Fuck you- ow!" He yelled as the Unicorn yanked his tail.

"Get the hell outta here. What's mine is mine-"

Placing one hoof on his hip, Delirious pointed at him and raised an eyebrow, "'What's mine is mine'? What the fuck are you talking about? You stole my food!"

The Unicorn growled, and brought Delirious closer to him. Holding his hooves out, he thrust the frying pan into Delirious' hooves, receiving a short oof in response. Grinning, the Unicorn raised Delirious high into the air, and calmly spoke, "Now piss off." Delirious watched as he lit up his horn, and suddenly found himself being tossed in a circle, the air rushing out of his lungs in a brief second before he flew through the air, sailing toward the rest of the town.

His eyes clenched shut, he grit his teeth and braced himself, knowing full well he had dropped the grenade when his opponent had flung him. Not hearing the explosion, and not feeling the impact of a house, he opened both eyes. Looking down, he became aware of the frying pan in his hands-

Impact.

He flew through a house, clearing a hole in its side as he fell to the carpeted floor in a cold mess. He slowly rose to his hooves, shaking his body and scattering the wood and paint chips from the house on the ground. Growling, he turned to his right to retrieve the frying pan, halting as he heard a voice.

"Hey man, that's my frying pan-"

Delirious turned, teeth bared. He snorted and glared.

"Fuck off, bitch."

The yellow Earth pony's hoof faltered, and Delirious grinned. Resuming his previous action, he successfully collected the frying pan, and flared his wings. Unsure that he would be able to use them correctly, he sucked in a breath. Looking through the hole he had made, he saw the Unicorn, unscathed and walking back toward the front door of Hay Burger.

Raising a hoof to the side of his mouth, he screamed, "Don't think you took me out motherfucker! I'm comin', and you're gonna fuckin' give me my fuckin' fries you fuckin' bitch!"

With that, he grasped the frying pan close to his chest, flared his wings once more, and soared through the hole, screaming bloody murder as he flew back toward the restaurant. Stopping in midair, he looked down at the Unicorn, who looked up in kind. Suddenly, Delirious watched as his opponent got into a stance, his foreleg behind his head. Flinging it forward, Delirious struggled to dodge a large number of knives, the jagged weapons sailing off into the woods.

Growling, Delirious bellowed, "I'm servin' up some motherfuckin' ass beatings, bitch!"

Delirious tucked his wings in.

He dove.

And, without a weapon, the Unicorn below braced himself and raised his hooves to punch at him.

Delirious saw this, and grinned.

Reaching the point he needed, Delirious laughed wildly.

And swung.

The force knocked him to the right like a ragdoll. Rolling in the grass, he lay still for what seemed like hours, breathing in and out heavily. Catching his breath, he flung his head upward, and found his Unicorn foe on the ground and unconscious. Smiling, he yelled to the world around him, "Fuck yeah!"

Quickly getting up, he walked over to the body to examine it, and succeeded in finding what he wanted. A large welt had formed on the Unicorn's right cheek. Laughing maniacally, he stepped over his body, lowered his plot, and proceeded to shake his ass over the beaten Unicorn's face in victory. Looking back at the frying pan, he stopped dancing. A large crowd of ponies had formed, watching him in silence as he stood as still as a statue, not liking being watched, ironically.

A fluttering of wings startled him. Turning to his left, he found a single crow staring at him as well. Stepping off the body and looking at it, he heard the sound of wings once again, and shifted back to glare at the crow, pulling out his heavy pistol and aiming at the bird.

"Hey! There's no food for you here, bird! Fuck off."

The crow stared at him, perplexed, and suddenly cawed loudly. Flapping its wings, it proceeded to take off.

Delirious pulled the trigger.

The bird, flying upward, was able to dodge it, and left behind the large rock it had been sitting in front. The bullet struck the rock's flat surface, and ricocheted, bouncing off at an angle and flying back toward its owner. Delirious yelped, his head flying backward violently as the bullet bounced off his hockey mask, leaving a mark. It traveled a few feet before ricocheting off one of the garbage cans Delirious had thrown out of the restaurant, and finally flew through the open door of Hay Burger, rebounding off another trash can, and sailing past the cash registers, through a box of fresh fries, and into the gas tank that powered the heater.

"Uhh..."

"EVERYPONY GET OUT! IT'S GONNA BLOW!"

A large mass of ponies quickly fled from the fast food joint, joining the previous crowd as they watched a part of Hay Burger slowly go up in flame.

"Get the fire department!"

"Somepony get some water!"

Delirious was transfixed on the sight. Apple Bloom slowly walked up to him, and joined him as they watched Hay Burger begin to increase in burn damage. Apple Bloom gulped.

Delirious counted numbers in his head, intending on reaching the expected time of five.

He only reached three before he had to shield the filly's eyes from the blast, the crowd of ponies screaming and yelling from fright. Delirious blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.

A large blaring of sirens suddenly made their way into the world, and soon enough, they sounded off right behind him in the road. Turning his head, he watched as half a dozen ponies, dressed in blue with hats on their heads, walked toward the mass of ponies still fearing for their own safety. Calming them down, one officer walked into the middle of the road, and asked loudly.

"Who's responsible?!"

All hooves pointed to Delirious.

"Oh c'mon guys. That's fuckin' bullshit!" He shouted with a feigned, nervous laugh. Not looking down, he said happily, "I'm glad you're with me, Apple Bl-"

He looked down.

A yellow hoof jabbed itself into his chest.

Blank faced, he quickly groaned, "Oh fuck you."

Author's Note

I'm sorry if this chapter is kinda low-quality, really wanted to get it out so I could get to writing what I already had in my head.

I love fight sequences.

So What?

"I ever tell you that I don't like prison? I mean, sure, we've got free food... and free clothes... and free food... again... but it's still prison, y'know? I mean, these, uh, these cells man- just, just look at them." The sound of bars rattling sounded out. "Solid as hell. No way even I could get out, and I'm a Unicorn. Though that's prob'ly due to this ring around my horn that I can't get off. I, uh, I don't get much sleep because of it. I mean, sometimes, when I'm alone, you know, eating my mashed potatoes and gravy, I try ta, like, take it off... y'know..? Like, I put my hooves on it and I just pull. Of course, it uh... doesn't really work... uh, if it did I wouldn't, you know, be here right now. I'd be uh, I'd be with my family. In... uh... back in Cloudsdale. You uh, like prison?"

Delirious hissed.

The Unicorn in the cell next to him stepped back.

"You uh, you don't talk much, do you-"

"I don't say much if there's some dumbass talkin' to me," he said, crossing his arms and reclining in his cot with a glare on his brow.

The Unicorn bit his lip.

"Well, that's not really too nice-"

"I'm not a nice person."

The Unicorn bit harder, sucked in a breath that Delirous could hear even across the room, and walked over to the divider between the two jail cells. He examined Delirious for what seemed to be hours, his piercing green eyes moving up and down his un-moving, glaring figure, and finally threw his hoof through the opening in the bars. Watching Delirious, who watched back, the Unicorn shook his hoof in the air.

"C'mon now. Don't be a dick, man. I just, like, shared my life story with you-"

"Who said I asked for it?" Delirious asked from the cot with a wave of his hoof. "It's not like I've been paying attention at all. I'm just waiting for some people to get here so I can get out."

"What, like who?"

Delirious growled.

The hoof reaching into his side of the room didn't falter.

"Look, man. From what I can see right now, if somepony was comin', they would've come by now. You've been here for two days."

"Two days?!" Delirious yelled, getting up from his seat. "Bullshit, man. That is fucking bullshit."

"Nope. It isn't, man. You've been out. Sleeping."

Delirious looked back to his cot with a raised brow, eyeing its pillow and blanket suspiciously. Turning back, he replied, "So what? Just because it's been two days don't mean they're not comin'-"

"Listen." The Unicorn said, pulling his hoof back through the bars and back to his side. "Man, I've been here for over a month. I have a loving mother and a caring father. I have a sister who works here in town. They're not coming, and I realized that when they didn't come the same day I got here. If they haven't come by now, they're not coming at all."

Delirious' expression softened, but the edge in his voice remained, "What the fuck did you do, anyway? Can't be that fuckin' bad-"

"That's my life," he said with a hoof to his chest, to which he aimed it at Delirous and continued, "not yours. I'd rather keep it a secret."

Delirious blew a raspberry, "Can't be that bad-"

"It is."

"Compared to what I've done in my life, I'm sure it's not that bad."

The Unicorn looked at him in silence for two heartbeats, before he dipped his head slightly and repeated, "It is."

Delirious raised a brow, "If ya say so, man." Eyes scanning his surroundings, Delirious looked for an escape. The cells he and the Unicorn were in were situated side-by-side, filling the other half of the rectangular room. Hanging above them were four pairs of barely-bright white lights, running across the ceiling in pairs. The walls were painted white, almost begging Delirious to bleed on them so the whole world could see how much he lost. By his hooves was a concrete floor, cracked in many places like an old road.

Looking to his cell door, he tilted his head to the left, noticing the hallway that led to both the entrance, and his exit.

"Name's Quick Time, by the way."

Delirious turned his head, arms crossed as he watched the Unicorn squeeze his hoof through the bars once more, a sly look on his face. Thinking for a few seconds, Delirious reluctantly got off his cot, walking over to Quick Time, his hooves clicking on the concrete floor as he did so. Giving a slight frown and a raised brow, he threw his hoof into Quick's, telling, "I'm H2O Delirious."

"Alright! Tight, tight, yeah man." The two parted, and Delirious went back to examining the jail room.

"I see you lookin' this place up like a hot mare. Trying to escape so soon?" Quick asked with a chuckle. "Trust me man, if there was a way out, I would have done it already." Opening the eyes he had prior closed, he noticed that Delirious was tossing something in his hoof. With a confused expression on his face, he asked, "What is that?"

Delirious tossed it into the air, catching it a fraction of a second later. Doing so twice more in rapid succession, he smiled. "Sticky bomb. Toss it, stick it, blow it, bitch."

Quick Time's jaw dropped to the floor, "They didn't take your weapons?!"

Delirious glared, his hoof patting the air in front of him as he snapped, "Shut the fuck up you fuckin' bitch! You don't want them to fuckin' hear you."

"Still, what the hell man?"

"I've got about forty weapons stashed with me. Nothing to worry about. Now shut the fuck up and take this."

Quick Time grit his teeth as the sticky bomb slid over to him. "Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell? What do you want me to do with it?!"

"Well," Delirious deadpanned, cocking his head like a bird, "my cell is a lot smaller than yours. If I blow the lock with that, there ain't no fuckin' way I'll survive it. Yours is larger. You can put it on your door and just jerk off in the fuckin' corner and you'd still live." Watching as Quick nervously grabbed the bomb, Delirious chuckled and gave him an unimpressed look. "What. Don't know how to work a clock?"

Quick, sitting on his haunches and prodding the explosive, turned to Delirious and gave him an annoyed glare, "Hey, piss off man. I don't work with bombs."

"Shame on you, bitch. Go buy some or something."

Quick slammed his hoof on the floor next to him, turned his head, and replied in aggravation, "I dunno where the hell you come from, but here you can't just go out and buy military explosives."

"Really?" Delirious asked, a genuine hint of confusion in his voice, "I guess that makes sense. People here are really pissy around blowing shit up..."

Quick rolled his eyes as he resumed his prodding of the sticky bomb, "Yeah," he said, picking it up in a hoof, "I wonder why..."

"Hey! Fuck off and get to work, you fuckin' bitch. Stop slackin', or I'll shoot you in yer fuckin' face!"

"Okay! Okay! Geez, dude! No need to get hasty!"

Delirious watched in silence as Quick placed the sticky bomb on his cell door, making sure to yell at him to place it on the lock itself and not anywhere else. As Quick began to fidget with the device on the door, Delirious began to stretch his body, knowing full well he would have to make a quick escape, and running and flying were his only means of evasion. Cocking his neck both ways, he worked on rotating his forehooves, not noticing as Quick sighed heavily and turned to him, a question on his mind.

"You know how to start the timer, right?"

The question roused him from his stretching. Knitting his eyebrows, he turned his head over to glare at Quick Time, "What, you think I'm fuckin' stupid or somethin'...? Of course I know how to work it."

"I'm not convinced in the slightest, man-"

"Well, maybe you don't have ta be, bitch! Do it yourself!"

"Look man, I can't head anywhere if you don't give me the right directions."

Delirious growled audibly, stomping toward the cell bars to the opposing chamber, "I had to figure it out when I first got 'em. You're on your own, bitch."

"Be honest. Do you actually know how to use this thing?"

Delirious mulled on the question, hummed to himself, and replied nonchalantly, his forelegs wrapped around the bars, "I don't have a fuckin' clue how they really work-"

"How what work?"

Delirious turned on a dime, Quick doing the same as he stepped away from the bomb on the door. Walking in from his escape route were a trio of fillies, the one leading them giving him a confused look as she asked, "And what the hay are you doin'?"

"Apple Bloom?! What the f- hell are you doin' here?!"

Apple Bloom gave him an unimpressed look, interrupted by the sound of another one speaking.

"Whoooooooa, man. You know these kids?"

"No, of... yeah, I do. So what?"

"Where you been living? Under a rock? You've never heard of Gabby Gums?"

The orange filly behind Apple Bloom spoke up in a gravely voice, pointing an accusing hoof at the brown Unicorn in the other cell, "Hey, watch it, jellytail! We've been done with that for years now!"

"Scootaloo! That wasn't nice!" A sweeter voice sounded out. "Say you're sorry!"

"But!"

"Don't be rude, Scootaloo."

"Grr, fine." Scootaloo turned like a marching trooper toward Quick Time, uttering out a monotone, "I'm sorry," she coughed, swiftly adding in, "featherbrain."

"Hey!" Quick Time shouted, "I heard that!"

"Anyhow," Apple Bloom continued, turning her attention back to Delirious, "Me an' the girls were wonderin' if y'all were alright, especially after Ah told 'em Ah..." Her voice trailed off, and she dipped her head, "..told on ya..."

Delirious frowned. He didn't know why, but he hated seeing that filly sad. "Hey now, wasn't your fault. Woulda come here anyway. Everyone else was pointing fingers at me."

"Well, still. Ah'm sorry, Ah shoulda tried ta help ya out back there," she said, lightly kicking the ground with a frown on her face.

"How the hell'd you even get in here anyway? Door's locked, and I know for a fact that kids can't visit criminals."

"Mah sis knows the sheriff. He di'n't really understand why Ah had ta see ya, but Ah thought, 'hey, y'all weren't able to meet mah friends.' Ah thought maybe you could meet 'em here!" She finished with a wave of her hooves.

The white Unicorn stepped forward with a large grin on her face and a cute wave of her white hoof, "Hi! I'm Sweetie Belle!"

Delirious smiled, waving slightly in return.

"And I'm Scootaloo, the awesomest filly you'll ever meet! Besides, uh, Rainbow Dash of course."

"I'm Aych Two..." he blinked in silence, and corrected himself, "I'm Delirious." Watching as the two fillies nodded in understanding, he shifted on the floor and crossed his forelegs, asking, "Hey, Scootaloo?"

She turned, "Yeah?"

"You say that Rainbow Dash girl is awesome, huh?"

Scootaloo smiled brightly, "Yeah! Rainbow Dash is the coolest Pegasus in the whole world! You wanna meet her, because I can, heh," she leaned against the wall next to her, looking uninterested in anything happening in the world around her, "totally set that up."

"Nah, I've got it. Already met her back in the hospital when I fought off those bark bitches-"

"You what?!" Scootaloo suddenly asked, tipping over and falling flat onto her face. Delirious jumped toward her slightly, but returned to his prior position as she looked at him from the ground, unscathed, "You fought off Timberwolves?"

Delirious laughed, about to retell the story, only to notice something on the orange Pegasus. Pointing a hoof, he asked, "Wait, what's that you got?"

Scootaloo raised a brow as she got up, but followed his hoof and realized what he wanted. Turning her body, she gave a sly smirk, "Oh, this thing? It's just the greatest cape made in the whole world!"

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle caught on, turning their bodies as well to reveal their own red capes.

"In the galaxy!"

"In the universe!"

The three sat this way for a second, allowing Delirious and Quick Time to take in the loud shouting, before they screamed.

"WE'RE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

Delirious winced, rubbing his ear as he seethed, "You guys always have ta do that shit?"

The trio nodded vigorously.

"What do you even do?" He added.

Apple Bloom spoke happily, "We Crusade, of course! Try ta find our Cutie Marks!"

Delirious cocked an eyebrow, frowning in a confused manner.

"So, what, you guys like, super-heroes or something?"

"Well, I mean, sure, if doing wicked stuff to find out our special talents counts as superhero stuff!" Scootaloo said with a grin.

Delirious snorted to himself, turning his head to look out the window of the jail cell. Tilting his head, he noticed something far off in the distance. Realizing his proximity to the market, he got on his tip-hooves to look for Vanoss. Unsuccessful, he began to flare his wings, nonchalantly talking to the Crusaders as he did so. "So, you guys basically do random shit to get some tattoo on your ass?"

"No! It's not like that! It's more than just... that. It's our talent!"

"And, what," he asked, peering out the window, "you get tattoos for being good at something? Sounds like the fuckin' military-"

"What?!"

"The military," Delirious repeated, hovering in mid-air thanks to his wings. Turning his head, he asked, "What? Didn't hear me the first time-"

"No, not that!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. Joining her friends in pointing at him, he followed their gaze and looked at his flank.

"It's that!"

And, in one split second, Delirious realized that all hell was going to break loose in his future. His eyes shrank to pinpricks, and he froze, staring at the light blue fur marking his flank.

Bare, and devoid of any markings.

The Crusaders slowly turned to him with large, almost creepy grins on their faces, their eyes the size of dinner plates. They stared at him in silence, the only sound emanating being the ones of Delirious' wings flapping idly.

Blinking twice in rapid succession, Delirious fell to the floor, placed his hooves in his cheeks, and said simply.

"Shit."

Author's Note

I think Delirious curses more than I do in real life. I am known school-wide as the guy who says cunt every sentence.

tfw people constantly spell Delirious wrong

When Horse Puns Go Too Far

"So, all 'n favor?"

A cricket chirped in the distance.

An orange hoof flew to the air.

Apple Bloom pointed at it. "Yeah, Scootaloo?"

The orange filly lowered the hoof, tapping her chin idly as she calmly asked, "Why are we discussing this now?" Scootaloo looked up to Apple Bloom, finding her blinking face staring back at her. Undeterred, she continued, "didn't we already make him a member? I mean, he has the cape and everything."

Apple Bloom raised a brow slowly, like an unimpressed king judging a lowly servant.

"We spent like three hours making it for him."

Blink.

"We-"

"Hey, what's he doin' anyway?"

The two on the floor turned their heads with Apple Bloom to the opposite end of the tree house, finding the blue Pegasus tapping away at a small black object in his hoof. One side was lit up, casting a white glow upon the front side of his hockey mask. Watching him awhile, the three suddenly broke the silence with a simultaneous, "What're you doing, Delirious?"

The mask turned to frown at them as he quickly stuffed the object into his flank, the thing disappearing completely as if he had pockets in his legs.

"Uh, nothin'."

Apple Bloom raised a brow, "Y'all sure about that?" Delirious looked at her with a feigned look of confusion on his face. "Nothin' ya wanna tell us about that thing in yer hooves just now?"

Delirious shook his head with a declining, "Nope."

Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes, telling him, "Well, pay attention. You're a member of the CMC now-"

"Well, I didn't really ask to be-"

"Well..." Apple Bloom began, pursing her lips, "Y'all didn't have yer Cutie Mark, so we're here ta help with that. And, once you get yours, you help us get ours."

Sweetie Belle turned her head, a genuine smile on her face, "I hope that's okay with you, Delirious."

Delirious groaned, but nodded and said, "Yeah. Sure, whatever."

Apple Bloom spoke, beckoning him with a wave of her hoof, "Y'all wanna come over here, Delirious? We're discussin' Crusadin' plans next." She held up a small clipboard, prodding its papered surface with a hoof. "Next on the list."

Delirious raised a brow, tilting his head slightly as if transfixed on something. Apple Bloom dipped her head, frowning at his lack of movement. He coughed into a hoof, took a moment to recline against the wall next to him, and suddenly jolted, popping his back and filling the CMC HQ with audible pops and cracks. Walking over to them, he dropped his rump to the ground like an obedient dog, looking up.

Apple Bloom snorted with laughter, but quickly regained her composure and went back into her previous behavior. "Alright Crusaders, listen up! Today, we've got a lotta things ta take care of! Now, Ah know, we weren't able ta get anythin' done, on account of rescuin' Delirious outta jail, but today, we'll get double that amount done!"

The yellow filly suddenly narrowed her eyes. Throwing her hooves onto the podium in front of her, she leaned forward and shouted, "Delirious!"

The Pegasus flinched, having seemingly zoned out. He stuttered, "Uh, wh-what?"

"Where's your cape, Crusader?"

Delirious gave a look of relief, then turned his body and pointed to the far corner of the HQ. "'t's over there."

"Whah aren't y'all wearin' it?"

He blew a raspberry in response, flailing a hoof, "Pfft, because I look fuckin' ridiculous in that shit. What are we, super-heroes?"

Apple Bloom deflated slightly, but perked up as she commented in a lower tone, "Well... we're super-heroes ta some ponies..." Shaking her head, she leaned back to her previous position, adding, "Ya know what? No need ta deal with this right now. It's planning time. But!" she shouted. "Next time Ah see ya, ya better be wearin' that cape."

"We'll see." Delirious said with a snort of laughter.

"Now, where were we..."

The filly's voice trailed off in his head as Delirious resumed to ignore her. Leaning back slightly, he lowered his eyelids and cast a glance outside the window to his left. The sight of a starry night sky almost made him yawn out of rehearsal. In Los Santos, if he saw just a single star in the sky, it was time for bed, and thus he would retreat back to his apartment and fall asleep wherever he happened to fall out of fatigue. Though he had been in Ponyville for about a week, sleep was something he hadn't had too much. In truth, he hadn't slept all too well to begin with, even while in the barn.

Something was plaguing him. He wasn't sure what, but something definitely was. Watching as a star flew by in a streak of white, he guessed that he would have to wait for his answer. There was something else plaguing him as well, but it was not bad in any way. He was waiting for something. And he had to retrieve it before anyone saw. He dared not show it, and jerked his head up as he raised a hoof.

Apple Bloom, in the middle of talking about the inclusion of Delirious into the CMC, noticed his movement and smiled faintly. "What'cha need, Delirious?"

"I gotta take a shit," he said nonchalantly, the orange filly next to him bursting out laughing.

Apple Bloom looked at him in disgust as Scootaloo raised a fit, Sweetie Belle's lip wobbling as she struggled to contain her composure. Rolling her eyes with a frown on her face, she stated begrudgingly, "Go ahead." Watching as he got up, she tilted her head and asked, "y'all need a flashlight or somethin'?"

Delirious turned quickly, a look of genuine disbelief on his face. "Why the hell would I need a flashlight?"

"I dunno," Scootaloo said, shrugging. Hooves back on the floor, she added, "there could be something out there. It is after midnight after all."

"The Crazed Flank Stabber, for example," Sweetie Belle said matter-of-factly, a dead glare on her face, a barely noticeable smile betraying it completely.

"That's a possibility, Delirious. Ah'd take the flashlight-"

"Fuck you. I'm not some little bitch. I can handle myself."

"But can you handle the Crazed Flank Stabber-"

"I'd handle the fuck outta the Crazed Flanked Stabber."

"I bet you would, Delirious-"

"Fuck you," he said with a chuckle, opening the door to the tree house. "Gimme a minute. Be back." The door shut behind him, creaking in his wake and shutting any sight of the outside. The three turned to one another, still giggling at their exchange with the Pegasus.

"That was a good one, guys!" Scootaloo said, hiding her gaping grin behind an orange hoof.

"Ah wonder if it worked. Delirious is probably all scared outside!" Apple Bloom added, her face scrunched up.

"Oh my gosh, that would be so funny! Where'd you come up with that Flank-Stabber thing, Sweetie Belle?"

"Yeah, that was pure genius!"

The Unicorn filly stopped laughing immediately, turning her head to look at her friends with a slightly careful look. Biting her lower lip, she stammered, "I, uh... I didn't make it up."

"What, that's actually a thing? Who the hay goes around stabbing pony's butts?" Scootaloo asked, brow furrowed in disbelief, hooves on her hips as she leaned toward Sweetie Belle, who didn't even flinch at the movement.

"The Crazed Flank Stabber, obviously," Apple Bloom answered in a serious tone. "Ah mean, y'all've never heard of the Crazed Flank Stabber, Scootaloo? And here Ah thought you loved scary stories."

Scootaloo frowned, "Pfft, of course I do. O-of course I know about him. That's just, uh, not the name I know him by."

"And what name would that be?" Sweetie Belle asked behind her.

"The, uh," she stuttered in reply. Looking down, she hummed for a brief second before looking back up to the the two fillies raising eyebrows at her, "the... The Crazed Butt Stabber! That's what I know him as! Yeah, yeah, The Crazed Butt Stabber."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gave each other sarcastic looks, before the former said, "Y'all wearin' a pink mustache?"

"Uh, no-"

"Good." Apple Bloom turned tail, heading back to the podium and taking her prior place behind it. The other two took their cue and sat in front of it, awaiting Apple Bloom's speech. The filly looked at them, before she smiled and began, "alright, so we've got a few things on the list for today. Since we're all still a bit adrenaline-pumped after Delirious' break-out, Ah doubt any of us are gonna be able ta sleep, so we've got the whole day ahead of us."

Suddenly, she turned the podium, the sloped area now facing Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom walked up to the side of it, pointing a hoof on the crudely drawn map of Ponyville. "Sweetie Belle!"

"What do you need, Boss?" Sweetie Belle asked, getting up swiftly and saluting Apple Bloom.

"This," she replied, prodding the map, "is the Boutique. Th' only pony we know with th' right fabric to make what we need is yer sis, Sweetie Belle. Ah'm gonna need ya to get it without her noticin'-"

"What are we making, exactly?" Sweetie Belle asked, tilting her head.

Apple Bloom smiled, awaiting the question. Walking to her right, still grinning at her friends, she stopped next to the painting easel they had used in an attempt to get their Famous Art Cutie Marks. They had stopped when word got around that Sweetie Belle had made an almost exact replica of the Mane-a Lisa. Throwing a hoof underneath the top paper, she flipped it over the top end, revealing her plan.

The next piece of paper was covered with articles upon articles of information, with a large circle on the side with percentage signs and the list of their names along the side.

Apple Bloom pointed a hoof to the easel, and grinned deeply. "We're makin' parachutes, girls."

"Didn't we already try parachuting last month? Why don't we do something cool for once?" Scootaloo asked, a look of curiosity on her features.

"Sweetie Belle."

"Yeah, Boss?"

"Flick her."

"What are you- ow!" Scootaloo grimaced, rubbing her foreleg with a hoof as she grit her teeth. "Jeez. Calm down Fixer, just tryin' to have a little fun."

"Fun is debatable."

"When'd you two turn into super soldiers?" Scootaloo asked sarcastically.

"When Delirious got here-"

"Hey, where is he anyway?" Sweetie Belle asked, turning her head to look at the entrance. She turned back at the sound of Apple Bloom's voice.

"Prob'ly taken bah the Crazed Flank Stabber."

"Okay guys you can stop now."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle laughed at Scootaloo's expense, but quickly regained their composure for Apple Bloom to continue. Coughing into a hoof, she pointed at the easel once again.

"So! Sweetie Belle, you get the fabric. Parachutes are usually made outta pretty good stuff, but seein' as how we're fillies, Ah don't think we'll need nothin' too strong. Just ask her today what her strongest fabric is, and then get it tomorrow."

"Got it!"

"Now, Scootaloo."

"Yeah?" she asked, a sly grin on her face. "Whatever you need, I'll get it."

"What Ah, ahem, we need is some heavy duty metal."

Scootaloo narrowed her eyes, looking to her left and right as she sucked in her cheeks silently.

"You, uh, want me to what now-"

"Heavy duty metal. We're gonna need somethin' to take us up there, duh!" Apple Bloom said, raising a hoof off the ground and placing it in front of her in the air. "Do you not know anything about flying?"

"Hey, I know a lot about flying! Rainbow Dash has been teaching me! Why the hay can we not just use some saddlebags or something? Wouldn't that be a lot easier-"

"Nope. Now, for me, Ah've gotta get the rope to attach ourselves to the parachutes. Ah say we each get a cut," Apple Bloom said, producing a marker seemingly out of thin air. Turning to the paper, she began to scribble on its surface. Looking back, she showed the percentage circle from earlier, two large parts shaded in it, each equaling forty-five percent with the letters AB and SB in them. "This is what we'll each be sharin'."

"Sharing? What are we sharing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Candy. Some Crusader medals. What else?"

"Where's my share?" Scootaloo asked, crossing her forelegs.

Apple Bloom tapped the marker against the paper, pointing at the rest of the circle's circumference. "Right there." The marker prodded the white area labelled with an S.

"Oh-" Scootaloo said, before being cut off by Apple Bloom.

"Alright girls, let's heist-"

"Wait," Sweetie Belle said, waving her hooves downward as she peered upward. "Be quiet girls. I hear something."

The trio quieted down, and suddenly grew aware of a low whirring sound echoing in the distance. Seconds passed, and the fillies mouthed words of confusion as the sound grew closer, eventually seeming to have passed directly overhead, before it slowly began to disappear into the night sky. Looking at one another in confusion, a sudden thump made them all jump in the air.

"The hay was that?"

"Where's Delirious?!"

The three gave each other one final look of fright, before quickly sprinting to the HQ door, flinging it open and standing on the wooden walkway. Leaning over the rail, they watched in a hushed silence as Delirious sat down next to a large green crate, a small red rod in the ground next to him, a stream of likewise red smoke bleeding into the night sky. Bent over, his hooves went from the crate then to his stomach, only to return to the crate again. At one point, he paused, chuckling darkly as he held a small bottle in his hooves, a burning towel sprouting from its rim.

Suddenly, his head jerked back, and, underneath the shade of the large oak tree, leaned forward slowly. Through the darkness, though a couple yards away, the trio of fillies heard him suddenly say something.

"...are you fuckin' kidding me?" Delirious got up, walking away as if he had witnessed the most idiotic thing in the world. Turning on his heel, he hissed, "I can't fuckin' believe this shit."

"Can't believe what?" Scootaloo asked, leaning toward Delirious.

The stallion jumped with a yell, quickly scrambling as he slunk against the oak tree, a hoof to his heart. "Y'all fuckin' scared me. Holy fuckin' shit man..."

The three began to walk down the ramp, Apple Bloom taking point. Casting a glance to the East, she found the silhouette of what appeared to be a large bird flying away. Oddly enough, it didn't seem to be flapping its wings. The low whirring sound sounded far off in the distance. Turning to Delirious as all three reached the ground, Apple Bloom asked, "What's that crate for, Delirious?"

Trotting up to it, ignoring the still heart-grasping Delirious, she peered at the label. "Munitions crate," she read aloud, a hoof on her chin, "Property of Mare-yweather Company...?" She looked over to him, and watched as his chest rose and fell twice, before he gave her a breathless response.

"I. Fuckin'. Hate. Horse puns."

"Whoa, what's happening here?"

The four looked to the sky, watching as a rainbow-maned Pegasus hovered in the air.

"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo called, a large grin on her face.

"Hey Squirt!" Rainbow replied, her hooves touching the ground. Walking over to the orange filly, she tussled her purple mane and chuckled before turning to Delirious, who got up from his position against the tree. "Oh, hey, um..."

"Delirious," he replied, brow to the night sky. Sniffing the air, he asked, "what the hell you doin' here? Shouldn't you be sleepin' or something?"

"Kinda hard to when you've got that thing over there!" she said, pointing a hoof toward the still burning flare.

Delirious took one look at it and said simply, "Oh."

"Yeah," Rainbow replied, rolling her eyes. "What the he-" She looked over at Scootaloo, and coughed into a hoof, "what the hay are you doing with that? And what was with that sound earlier? I was sleeping on a cloud overhead and felt something fly past me. I mean, I wasn't scared, but what the hay was it?"

"Nothing," Delirious replied all too quickly.

Rainbow tilted her head at him, eyeing him up. Suddenly, she watched as his wings flexed slightly, and her magenta irises grew brighter in the night. "Huh, didn't realize you were a Pegasus before. You good with those wings?"

Delirious flailed a hoof, "Of course I do. I'm H2O Delirious!"

"You sure? 'cuz, hey! If you need a teacher, I uh," she suddenly struck a pose, flaring her wings and giving a cocky grin, "know a mare."

"I know how to fly, I don't need some fuckin' flight instructor-"

"Delirious, you should totally join!"

He looked to his right toward the trio of fillies. Scootaloo looked at him with a smile. "Rainbow's a really good teacher! It'd be so awesome if you were there, Delirious!"

Delirious looked to his left, grumbling with a frown on his face. Blue eyes gazed into a large group of bushes, and slowly found something green amidst the darkness of the night. Leaning toward it slightly, the green eyes stared back. He blinked, and the eyes were gone. Shaking his head, he turned back to Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, biting his lip. "I dunno... I've got a lot better things to do with my life-"

"C'mon Delirious."

He looked to his right, and found Apple Bloom smiling at him.

"It'll be fun. B'sides, Ah don't think it'd be safe for ya ta just be walking around town after what happened." Delirious frowned slightly, troubled. Thinking quickly, she calmed her tone and said simply, "take to the sky, Delirious."

Delirious gazed back at Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, watching their waiting expressions. His gaze fell to Apple Bloom.

The mask frowned.

But Delirious smiled, and finally nodded in agreement.

As the five celebrated, Delirious looked back to the bush from earlier. The green eyes were long gone.

The flare went out.

Author's Note

Outta his mind, and into the sky.

We Don't Talk About It

"Hey Delirious?"

The stallion looked over at her, the juice box in his hoof still grasped tightly in a blue grip. The mask frowned.

"What?"

Apple Bloom reclined further against the fence bordering Sweet Apple Acres, wiping her brow with a hoof and placing the straw back into her mouth. Drinking her apple juice, she threw it back out into the open air with a loud exhale, then turned to Delirious and simply said.

"What's with th' mask? Whah don't ya ever take it off?"

Delirious' eyes went wide, staring a thousand yards away. The juice box previously in his hoof fell to Earth, dropping onto the brown dirt and shattering on impact, the remaining contents creating a disgusting fruit mud by his hooves. From where she stood, a look of worry on her face, Apple Bloom could make out a large vein, pulsating heavily on his brow. Slowly, he turned toward her.

"The fuck you just say to me?"

Apple Bloom bit her lower lip, but looked into his blue eyes and stuttered, "W-well Ah mean... exactly that. Whah don't'cha ever take the mask off? Y'all've gotta be hot in that thing."

Delirious frowned, and so did the mask.

His eyes rolled.

"I don't do face reveals-"

"Whah not?"

"It's a mystery," he said, turning back to his previous position. Not even turning his head, his right hoof went for Apple Bloom's juice box, successfully snatching it from her grasp. Placing the straw in his mouth, he drank like a noobie five-year old, and exhaled as if he had just taken a drag from a cigarette, "it's fun to fuck with your fans."

"Fans? What-"

"That doesn't matter," Delirious said, turning to Apple Bloom, "what matters is this: Apple Bloom. Do you want to see my face?"

Apple Bloom raised a brow, stepping back slightly. "Is this a joke 'r somethin'?"

"No. Do you want to see my face?"

She scanned her left and right, but ultimately looked forward and put on her bravest face.

"Yes."

"Okay." Delirious' hoof went slowly up to his mask, as if the fate of the world depended on his noticeable lack of speed, the yellow filly in front of him sweating profusely. The hoof touched the bottom half near his chin, and gradually began to lift it upward. His chin was the first thing she saw.

"Hey, it ain't so bad so far-"

Suddenly, without warning, a large tentacle flew out from Delirious' face, coiling itself around Apple Bloom, who began to scream in utter fright. Without a single word, the tentacle quickly holstered, bringing Apple Bloom into Delirious' gaping mouth, before she disappeared altogether. Shifting the mask back down to the usual level, Delirious chuckled like a filly.

"Hey Delirious!"

He turned, finding Applejack trotting toward him in a hurry.

"Sup, AJ. Whaddyou want?"

The mare breathed in and out heavily, before wiping her brow and asking, "Have you seen Apple Bloom? Ah've been lookin' for her all mornin'."

Delirious suddenly felt a sensation in his stomach. Preparing himself, he watched as Applejack began to give him weird looks.

Suddenly, he belched. Loudly. In Applejack's face.

"Nope."

Author's Note

Happy April Fool's you fucks. That blog post was funny as shit. I swear to God, I was going to see how long you guys lasted, but I ended up chickening out in the end. I'll lift that Cancelled button in a few, right after I delete that Apple Bloom/Delirious clopfic.

No. Seriously. I actually made it.

Also, any comments about this chapter's legitimacy are illegal. KEEP IT A SURPRISE DAMMIT.

Wings And Things

"Wow. We’re really high up."

"Heheh, sure are Squirt. Gotta make sure he, heh, has an incentive not ta screw up-"

Scootaloo chuckled with the older mare, but went to look over the edge of the cloud. Her purple irises flared as she quickly scuttled back, bumping into a wall. Turning around, she watched as Rainbow Dash laughed.

"Scared of heights?"

Scootaloo blew a raspberry, on the verge of either a mental breakdown or an onslaught of sweat. Flailing a hoof, she remarked, "No, course not! Pssh, I can handle this crud. It’s just…" her voice trailed off as she tip-hoofed over to the edge again, before adding in a slightly lower tone, "...we’re really high up."

"Hey," Rainbow said, grabbing the filly with a hoof, "ya don’t have ta worry." She pointed a hoof to her chest, before bringing Scootaloo in closer, practically hugging her cyan body, “I’m here. If you fall, I’ll make sure to wait until you’re close to the ground. That way, it’ll be even awesomer and cooler when I catch you."

Scootaloo’s ears flattened against her head. "Is that how it works?"

"Yeah!" Rainbow said almost too excitedly, "it’d be like one o’ those action movies! Hey, if we’re lucky, I could even do a Sonic Rainboom on the way down!"

At this, Scootaloo’s ears perked up, eyes brightening as she smiled, "Yeah, that does sound cool!"

"You bet it is!" Rainbow said with glee. Raising a hoof, she said coolly, "Hoof-bump. Give it here, Squirt."

Scootaloo grinned from ear to ear. Awkwardly raising her hoof, she bumped the older Pegasus’ hoof, chuckling slightly as if she were an antisocial just getting into the in-crowd. The two grinned at each other, before Rainbow suddenly let out a huge breath, commenting, "Nothin’ like the smell of fresh air, huh Scoots?"

She only nodded in response.

Rainbow breathed through her nostrils, magenta peering every which way in a sweeping motion. "This is the life."

Scootaloo raised a brow. "I thought that being in the Wonderbolts was 'the life'."

Rainbow seemed troubled for half a second, but regained her composure and glanced at Scootaloo out of the corner of her eye. They remained this way, fixated on the filly, before they looked straight ahead and into the deep blue sky, and Rainbow suddenly sat on her haunches, threw her forelegs out, and said to everything in the world around her, “Nope. This… right here… right now?” She turned back. “This is the life. Being out here with my little sis on a hot summer day with nopony out here, sitting on a strato-cumulus in the sun, and able to enjoy whatever the heck I want, it’s great.” Walking over to Scootaloo, she brought her close, ruffling the filly’s mane with a hoof before adding finally, “just don’t tell anypony you heard that from me.”

Scootaloo gave a sly grin, “Or what?”

“Or I’ll have to kill you.”

The duo locked eyes for what seemed to be hours, before breaking down in laughter. Giggling next to one another, they found enjoyment for a good two seconds before a loud sound blew through the air. Suddenly getting up, Rainbow held Scootaloo behind her, wondering where Pinkie Pie was and why she was popping balloons next to them. More specifically, why she was popping fifty-foot tall balloons next to them.

Rainbow cautiously stepped forward, ushering Scootaloo behind her as she peeked over the edge of the cloud, scanning the stratus clouds below for the noise’s perpetrator. It took her four seconds before the next sound passed through her ears, startling the orange filly behind her. Giving a worried glance behind her, she turned her head and intended to watch for where the next would come from. Turning her head slightly, she said, “Scootaloo, cover your ears.”

Scootaloo did so. Rainbow returned to her position, scanning the clouds for any sign of the annoyance. She waited.

It came again.

A large flare seemed to appear from the end of a cloud, disappearing almost instantly with the sound. A large flock of birds flew circles not too far away. Waving a hoof behind her, Rainbow stepped back, flared her wings, and jumped, diving toward the source of the noise. She only flapped her wings as she reached twenty feet from the cloud, hovering in midair and finally landing. She about jumped yet again, the now evident balloon popping directly in front of her, almost deafening her immediately. Left with a ringing in her ears, she stomped over to the opposite end of the mist, becoming aware of a large lump of cloud sitting atop the usual formation. Raising a brow, she leaned over, and saw a large golden pole sticking out of the lump, a rectangle sticking out with holes lining its side.

Looking past the pole, she found the flock of geese completely oblivious to what was happening. Glaring at the lump, she turned to her side, coiled her right hind leg, and gave it a kick.

“Fucking shit!”

The lump dissipated, disappearing into the blue air, leaving behind a seething, flank-clenching blue stallion, who rolled on the floor next to his sniper rifle, teeth grit.

“What the fuck are you doing here Delirious...”

“You fuckin’ bitch! My fuckin’ ass hurts!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, walking toward the weapon on the ground. Picking it up, she examined its golden exterior, ignoring the pained cries of the Pegasus on the ground behind her. Seeing the lever on the side, she pulled it, watching in a confused wonder as the spent casing flew out of the center of the gun, flying past her and falling through the cloud and toward the dirt, a little less than six-thousand feet below.

She looked back at Delirious with an unimpressed look, pushing the lever back into its prior position. “Get back up to that strato-cumulus! We’ve got shit to do!”

Delirious recovered, turning over to look at Rainbow. “What the fuck is a strato- hey!”

Rainbow’s eyes went wide.

“Put that shit down!”

Rainbow stuck out her tongue, holding it away from him with two hooves, like a child selfishly trying to protect their toys. “No.”

“You wanna fuckin’ shoot yourself?”

Rainbow’s eyes narrowed, “Are you implying I don’t know how to use one of these, jackass?”

Delirious got up, brushing cloud off his shoulder before looking up again, “Oh, and just where the fuck did you, I dunno, buy a fucking gun in this fucking place?”

Rainbow’s expression faltered slightly, but quickly reformed, “I… uh… I play video games. I know how a sniper rifle works-”

“First off,” Delirious began, trotting toward Rainbow. As she still held it, Delirious gave her a raised brow, stepped in front of her, and raised a hoof to the bolt-action. Rainbow gave him him a blank look, before frowning at nothing in particular as Delirious pushed the bolt downward and into its holding place.

Rainbow looked at him.

“Fuck you-”

“Rainbow Dash!”

The two looked up, spying an orange Pegasus peering over her strato-cumulus, almost nothing but a mere dot in the distance.

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof, shouting, “Hey Squirt!”

The wind passed the older duo. A cricket chirped from almost six thousand feet below them. Delirious coughed.

“Hi Rainbow Dash!”

“You doin’ okay?!”

…

…

“Yeah!”

“Okay, fuck this,” Rainbow said, turning to Delirious, “here’s your stupid gun. Next time you fuck around,” she threw the sniper into his chest, “I’ll make sure the clouds are extra rainy above you.”

“Huhhuhhaha, hope you wouldn’t mind a few extra,” he moved the rifle slightly, “holes in your wings-”

“You wouldn’t fucking dare.”

Delirious gave a smile underneath his mask.

Rainbow gave him a suspicious look.

“You’re alright.”

“I know it.”

He holstered his sniper rifle, the weapon disappearing into his crotch. Rainbow gave him a disgusted look, mouth open as she stared at him blankly.

“That’s gross, dude.”

“Whatever.”

Rainbow flapped her wings, hovering in midair. Turning to fly upward, she glanced back at Delirious, saying, “You uh… might wanna come back up with me. School’s still in session, Delirous."

"Alright. Just, uh, gimme a fuckin' second."

Rainbow nodded her head, and finally said, "Okay," and flew back to Scootaloo.

Delirious watched as she left, flying up into the sky away from him. Taking a minute to brush more clouds off his shoulders, he made a mental note to get a water bottle from Applejack later for a suppressor. Flaring his primaries, he coiled his legs and crouched low, taking off swiftly to get back to his flying lesson. Looking back as he ascended, he began to have an idea for his trusty sniper rifle.

Author's Note

A bit of a parting gift to you guys. More of you read this instead of my blogs, so I'll repeat it here. I hit a bump again, and Outta My Mind is On Hiatus until further notice. A shoddily made 1,500 words, but I had to put it out before I left. I hope my situation didn't affect this chapter. I'm sorry if it did. Thank you for being here.

I'll be back soon.

Head Butt

He tapped his hoof against the table, sighing.

He was bored. Opening his mouth involuntarily, he yawned into the blue sky, attempting to stifle himself with his other hoof. Succeeding, he nipped loudly, scanning the area around him. The marketplace was busy that day, filled with ponies purchasing wares for the upcoming harvest, due to take place in two days time.

Giving a blank look, he tilted his head further into his hoof, pressing his cheek into the rest of his face. Blowing a dramatic raspberry, he sighed heavily.

“Hey, Vanoss?”

He turned his head, getting up slightly.

“What is it now Goddammit. I’m doing important shit.”

Banana Split rolled her eyes, hovering a small crate toward him with her magic.

“We need to put a few bananas on the stand here, so people actually know what we’re selling for a change.”

Vanoss raised a brow and frowned, “Are you serious? What the hell, why?”

“I don’t think your sign does anything to support our sales.”

Vanoss leaned forward and craned his neck, looking up to see his voted-for sign.

Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus. Come buy some, straight from the pig’s mouth!

He returned to his prior position, looking at Banana Split with a blank stare. “I don’t see the problem, Banana Bus.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you implying I’m a whorse?”

“No. You’re a pony, you always correct me.”

“No, I…” she sighed, and instead groaned, “just put some of these on the stand. That way, we can make more bits from ponies aside from curious passersby.”

Vanoss rolled his eyes, waving a hoof as he said, “Alright, give ‘em here.”

As Banana Split turned tail back to the cart behind him, Vanoss began setting up the bananas, placing them side by side across the banana stand. Finishing the difficult task in an astounding few seconds, Vanoss wiped his brow with a hoof, leaned back in his requested chair, and stifled yet another yawn. Placing a hoof behind his head, he looked up at the sign and promptly placed his sunglasses over his brown eyes. Grinning slightly, he waited for the next customer.

The front of the stand was completely barren, the ponies of the marketplace seemingly uninterested in bananas at the time. He had to admit, it made sense. Bananas didn’t do shit when you were cracking your back trying to pull out a Goddamn turnip in the ground. Applejack seemed to attest to this; whenever she came to the stand, it was always to check up on him, not to purchase his wares.

Blinking, he frowned.

He wished Delirious was here.

And suddenly a Pegasus fell from the sky, the sounds of bones shattering mixing in with the sound of his body crashing into the dirt. Vanoss leaned forward, lowering his glasses.

“What the hell-”

“Ah God.” The body began to rise one foreleg at a time. “You motherfucker… Gaah, fuck, my fuckin’ back hurts.” As the Pegasus’ second foreleg began to steady, it also began to wobble immediately, and sure enough, the Pegasus fell again. As he placed his face into the ground, he groaned loudly, muffled by the mounds of dirt around him. The body remained still for half a minute, Vanoss assuming that he had finally died of his wounds.

Instead, the Pegasus lifted his head.

The mask frowned.

“Oh,” he turned his head and spat blood onto the ground, “hey Vanoss.”

“Hey Delirious. How’s the flying?”

“You know ‘bout that shit?”

“I mean, shit, you’re right above me like everyday.” Turning his head to his boss, he added, “not like I have anything fucking better to do than watch.”

“Well in that case, it’s uh, it’s okay...”

Vanoss raised a brow, “It’s ‘okay’?”

Delirious chuckled, still lying prone on the ground, “Sure. I mean, I just fuckin’ broke my shit from fallin’ about six thousand feet, but I’m doin’ okay.” His eyes looked to the ground to his right, and then peered back up. Blue stared into bored brown.

“How’s the banana business?”

“Shit,” he said almost too quickly, “nopony wants what we’re selling. We’re not getting shit for-”

“Wait wait wait. Hold the fuck on.” Delirious brought out a hoof, pointing at him as he gave him a skeptical look. “Did you just say what I think you fuckin’ said?”

“Fuck you, Delirious. I’m used to it.”

The Pegasus laughed in response, rolling over on his back and lying face-up in the grass, “Holy shit, that’s fuckin’ awesome, man.”

“Banana Bus ‘s always riding my ass about it.”

“Always? Dude, it’s been, like, a few days.”

“Whatever.”

The two stood in dead silence for what seemed like minutes, their prior positions unchanged. Delirious lay prone in the dirt. Vanoss leaned into a forehoof, uninterested in the entirety of the world. The market crowd continued around them.

“Fuck this.”

“You wanna break it down?” Delirious asked, head slowly rising out of the dirt.

Vanoss hummed for a brief second.

“Sure.”

Banana Split, meanwhile, was busy dealing with the banana cart, clipboard hovering next to her with a pencil in her hoof. Sticking out her tongue, she peered into the rickshaw, looking for any faults in her fruits. Seeing none, she slid the clipboard in front of her and began writing on the piece of paper vigorously. Flipping it, she glanced over the grocery list, intending on having Vanoss watch the cart while she collected said groceries from said list. Brow flying upward and then back downward, she scrunched her eyes and wondered why Zap had scribbled Oreos down alongside carrots and watermelons.

Suddenly, her ears perked up at the sound of splintered wood. Dropping her magic, she turned on a heel and gasped in shock, watching as H2O Motherfucking Delirious and Vanoss, her own prized employee, promptly kicked away at her banana stand. Shouting, she cantered over to them. “What the buck are you two doing?!”

The two continued to kick away at the wood.

Delirious answered.

“Beatin’ the shit outta your,” CRACK “banana stand.”

Her jaw dropped. “Why?!”

It was Vanoss’ turn. He stopped, and stared her in the eyes. “Because your business is bad and you should feel bad.”

He gave another kick.

“Plus you treat me like shit.”

“Because you don’t do anything!”

Vanoss smirked, “Exactly. I hate this job.” He delivered one final kick, and stuck a hoof out. He remained like this for some time, and Delirious finally asked him as he laughed.

“What the fuck are you doin’?”

“I… fuck. If I had a middle finger, I’d be flipping you off right now.”

“What’s that supposed ta mean?” Banana Split asked, gritting her teeth angrily.

“Wow. Shit world you live in,” Delirious said matter-of-factly, sucking in his cheeks thereafter. Turning to Vanoss, he leaned against him and asked, “You wanna get some booze?”

Vanoss chuckled, “Hell yeah I do.”

The two turned to leave, but were halted by the sound of Banana Split.

"Hey! I'm not done here!" She watched as Vanoss and Delirious turned, each giving her very unimpressed looks. "You can't just do this to me! Destroying my cart? My income?! Who the hell do you think you are?!" By now, her nostrils were flaring, and her ears were flattened against her head as her voice rose. Finally, she asked the golden question, one that caused the busy, bustling marketplace around them to suddenly stop their usual marketing behavior and look the trio's way.

"What the buck is wrong with you two?!"

The marketplace fell to a hush. All eyes were on the two stallions, seemingly not noticing their new-found attention. A crow cawed in the distance, and the wind carried a group of dust across the scene in between the stallions and the yellow mare. Suddenly, Delirious began to walk over to Banana Split in silence, the mare moving not a single inch and giving no clue as to the state of her resolve. The grass crunched underneath his hooves, making it the only sound in seemingly the entire town, now intent on witnessing what the Pegasus was about to say.

He stood in front of the mare.

And began to walk even closer.

And closer.

And Banana Split began to shrink back, as the white hockey mask began to press against her forehead. Looking up at the blue stallion before her, she watched as his frown began to make way for a very toothy grimace, his brow furrowing to almost impossible levels as he glared her down like an archenemy. Pushing her with only his mask, he began to speak menacingly.

"What's wrong with us? What's wrong with me and my friend? You wanna fuckin' know, bitch?"

He blinked, and Banana Split's expression froze.

His eyes were now completely black, save for a single, red, pinprick marking his irises. Suddenly, he growled, and whispered to her.

"We're outta our FUCKING minds. If you stop being a fucking bitch, maybe we won't come back. But, if you do-"

SHINK.

Delirious' eyes suddenly reverted back to usual, and slowly stared downward at the knife now jabbed into his stomach. He looked up, and found Banana Split looking at him, a furious look on her face and the handle of the combat knife grasped in her hoof. She gave him a grin in kind.

"Holy shit."

"You think I didn't take at least one of your weapons, Vanoss?" Banana Split asked, letting go of the knife as Delirious fell to the ground in a heap. "I'm not stupid."

Vanoss began to reach toward his stomach, saying, "Good. It'll be fair when I kick your ass then."

Banana Split began to laugh, walking backward toward her banana stand. "Oh, yes." She reached to an area behind it, and brought out her prize. "It will."

"Ah shit."

"My kid plays video games with my husband. What do they call this, hm? An RPG, am I right?"

Vanoss stepped back slightly, staring in defeat at the explosive ordnance staring him in the face. Looking at Banana Split, he noticed the state of her mane, now a complete mess and sticking out every which way. He began to wonder how the hell she was managing to hold the damn thing in her hooves.

"Ponyville?!" She called to the audience, who leaned to her. Adjusting the RPG, she finished, "Stand back."

They did so.

And Banana Split suddenly fell to the floor, shaking violently as the RPG clattered next to her in the dirt. Vanoss looked to where she previously stood and found Delirious, a small grey and yellow pistol in his hooves. He glared down at the mare, who still shook as if she were on the floor in the middle of an earthquake simulation.

Vanoss walked up to his friend, joining him in watching the mare twitch wildly.

"Stun gun?" He asked calmly, turning his head.

Delirious holstered the weapon, still glaring as he looked at him. "Fuck yeah." He fell to his haunches and crossed his forelegs angrily. Sweeping his head around, he asked the audience, "Can someone call the cops?"

"Already on it."

Vanoss and Delirious turned, watching as Applejack began to walk toward the two, a smile on her face. As she stood next to them, a pair of police officers stepped through the crowd, picking Banana Split up from the floor. Kicking and screaming, she was carried away. Applejack gave an admittedly dark chuckle as she watched them leave, then looked at the two stallions with a small grin. "Ah never liked her anyway. Not enough for you ta shock her, but, well..."

Delirious laughed, "She was probably pretty shocked."

Vanoss joined in, adding, "The energy was coursing through her veins."

The two laughed together, not expecting a third voice to speak in their conversation.

"Heh heh, she was a hay of a bitch."

They suddenly turned, giving incredulous looks at Applejack, who grinned at them deeply. "Ah toldja Ah never liked her."

Vanoss and Delirious giggled, and the former looked at the latter, commenting, "Damn, Jack's pretty cool."

The mask frowned, but Delirious smiled. "She sure is."

Applejack raised a hoof to speak, but was interrupted by a small, raspy voice. "That was awesome!"

The three spun, watching as Rainbow Dash landed, depositing Scootaloo on the ground next to her. The filly's mouth was agape, "That was so cool, Delirious. The... the way she was all, 'I'm gonna kick your flank, Vanoss', and then you came in like, 'No you're not, I'm H2O Delirious', and you just zapped her! That was wicked!"

Rainbow Dash grinned, laughing as well as she tussled the filly's mane, "Me and the Squirt were wondering why you hadn't flown back up yet. Looked over the cloud and saw you beating the sh- crap out of that banana stand." She perked up, looking at Delirious, "gotta admit, that was pretty awesome."

Delirious shook his head, flailing a hoof toward Vanoss, "Don't get on me. Was all him."

Rainbow's eyes suddenly lit up as she stepped forward, eyes sparkling, "Oh my gosh, you're the Fence Guy! Remember me?"

Vanoss gave a weird look, but nodded afterward, "Oh yeah. 'Fence Guy'."

The mare grinned, "Yeah! That was awesome! You've gotta teach me how to do that!"

Scootaloo walked up next to her quickly, adding, "And you've gotta show me it, too!"

"Calm down, calm down," Vanoss said, a proud look on his face. "It's not that difficult when you think about it..."

The three began talking amongst themselves about Vanoss' fence trick, Applejack losing interest as she turned, intent on talking to Delirious. She found him by the banana stand, collecting the RPG from earlier. Raising a brow, she raised her voice as well, saying simply, "Ah'm surprised they didn't take that in for evidence."

Delirious stuffed the RPG into his crotch, and walked up to Applejack, "Eh, I guess they didn't really see it as functional. I don't even think she knew how to pull the trigger." He glanced at her, adding, "Not much you can learn from a video game."

Green looked into blue.

"Ah s'pose not."

Delirious blew out of his lips, looking at the crowd of ponies now dispersing and returning to their market behavior. Watching them, the mask frowned.

"How's flyin'?"

He guffawed, "Not great, heh heh. Kinda shit to be honest. Didn't think flapping meat'd be hard."

She adjusted her Stetson with a grin, "Well, Ah'm sure with your experience, it won't be as hard as you make it-"

"Oh fuck you," he spat, but he was laughing.

"Yer just feedin' me jokes here, Delirious. If y'all don't want this, y'all," she poked his side, "need ta keep your mouth shut."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." He blew a raspberry, and felt a foreleg across his chest. "God, that knife fuckin' hurt..."

Applejack spoke quickly, "Yeah, Ah was wonderin' 'bout that. What's with yer whole disappearin'-and-comin'-back deal?"

"Oh, we just respawn."

Applejack gave him a blank look as her response.

"I'm serious," He included, beginning to chuckle once again. The mare next to him only rolled her eyes in silence. Calming down, he asked, "How's farming?"

"Tough. Summer harvest is in less than two days, and we've got a lot to prepare for, which is why I was out here in the first place today." Nodding her head toward her cart, now noticeable with the lack of ponies around them, she continued, "Got a pair o' boots, some new buckets, an' almost an armory-amount of shovels, hoes, and rakes."

"Heh... hoes..."

She swatted him with a hoof, "Shut yer mouth." Delirious chuckled, mostly to himself. "We could use some help when it starts, Delirious."

He looked at her.

"Could get you some money as well, if ya want."

He hummed for a brief few seconds, and finally said, "I could do that. I'm not called the Harvesting Master for no reason."

"Harvestin' Master, huh? Like, what, apples?"

"Nah, people."

She gave him the weirdest look he had ever beheld in his entire life. "Y'all've got some kinda problem, Ah swear..."

"Hey, guys!"

The two spun, finding Vanoss and Rainbow Dash looking at them. Rainbow spoke, "We're about to head to the bar! You guys wanna come?"

"Rainbow, Ah've gotta get home and rest up for th' Harvest. Ah can't-"

"Oh come the fuck on, why not?"

She glared at Delirious, "Ah just toldja why. Ah can't just go drinkin' two days before Ah gotta work-"

"Pfft, a hangover only lasts a day, Applejack. Besides, you gotta learn how to have some fun."

Rainbow Dash chimed in, "It's true. She does."

"Shut up, Rainbow."

"I gotta agree with her, you seem kinda anal," Vanoss added.

Scootaloo joined in from atop Rainbow's back, "Come on Applejack! It'll be cool!"

"Scootaloo, you're not even allowed ta drink-"

"They sell soda there too, AJ. Now c'mon, let's go have some fun."

Applejack stood in silence for what seemed to be hours of her time, her face scrunched up in a mixture of annoyance, anger, and resignation of defeat. Head lowered, she pursed her lips and glanced to her right. Delirious was looking at her, waving a hoof her way as he appeared to step a hoof the trio's way. She glared down at the ground, shut her eyes, sighed, and perked up.

"Let's go," she exclaimed, accepting her fate.

A flurry of cheering sounded out, and the five began to walk east, toward the local bar. Slowing down, Delirious trotted alongside Applejack, who groaned softly. Noticing this, he looked at her. "You okay?"

"Eeyup."

"That's good. You're gonna get your drink on tonight, and you're gonna fucking love it."

"Eeyup."

"You're gonna pass out, and you're gonna wake up all groggy and shit, not remembering what happened last night."

"Eeyup."

"It'll be fucking beautiful."

"Buck you."

Delirious only laughed in response.

Behind the five, Applejack's cart sat neglected in the waning sunlight.

Author's Note

Remember kids, if no one notices you starting something, let the other retaliate harshly when people do start noticing. They'll get all the blame.

It's fucking great.

Suddenly, A Chair

Delirious awoke with a jump, his head snapping up, only to be met with a large sliding metal door. Cursing loudly, the Pegasus rubbed his head vigorously, as if hoping to wipe away the pain. Feeling it lessen ever-so-slightly, he groaned, shook his head, and adjusted himself in his bed.

Or, well, what he thought was his bed.

Looking down, forelegs raised to waist level, Delirious now realized where he was sitting in. Leaning over, he picked up the skin of a banana, raising it to eye level and watching as it dangled in front of his face. Narrowing his eyes, he brought his leg in about halfway to his chest and promptly flung the peel, listening to the wonderful sound of it hitting the side of the dumpster.

Groaning yet again, he scrambled toward the exit, lit only by the lunar object hanging high above him in the night sky. Hooves resting on the lip of the trash can, he took a second to figure out where he was, breathed in, and vaulted out, making sure to avoid banging his head on the wall for the second time that night. Landing on all four hooves, he gave a small smile and turned his head, attempting to discern his exact location.

A boring, brown, wooden wall met his gaze, with only a single lamp producing light on his left and at the corner. Deciding that the light most likely led to the entrance, he began to walk toward it. Turning the corner, his suspicions were confirmed. Stepping onto the wooden platform of the entrance, he lifted his gaze upward and saw the hanging sign from the bottom of the awning.

Looking to his right, he found the doorway and trotted over to it, wondering why anybody in their right mind would name a bar The Bearded Mare. Throwing a hoof out, he pushed it open with his foreleg. Door open, he stood at the entrance like this, the disgusting smell of sweat and booze mixing in with the smell of cigarettes and smoke. God he fucking hated the smell of cigarettes. Crinkling his nose, he walked in and immediately felt glass by his hooves.

“Shit!” He cursed, stepping back onto the welcome mat as he held the victimized appendage. Bringing his right foreleg to eye level, he sucked in a breath as he instantly noticed the large shard of glass sticking out of his hoof. Sighing, he fell to his haunches and coiled his other hoof around the end nearest him. Bracing himself, he yanked the shard out, throwing it against the wall to his left in a fit of anger and annoyance.

Glancing down at the bleeding hoof, he bit his lip and reached to his crotch with the other, unaffected leg. Without a word, and only a small curse, he tore the Egochaser’s packaging with his teeth, spat it out, and began to chew on the energy bar in the entryway of The Bearded Mare. Finishing only half, he brought the previously scathed hoof up to his eyes and smiled, watching as the skin rapidly began to heal up.

Shaking it as if he had a hangnail, he dropped the energy bar onto the ground and began to scan the tavern for what he assumed needed to be found. Seeing only unconscious bodies of strangers, he looked toward the hanging ceiling fan still turning and groaned dramatically. Dipping his head, he looked up with an exhale, and began walking around the lounge with intent in his step.

Pursing his lips, blue irises looked up, down, left, and right to no avail. The bar was completely quiet, as if God himself had told the occupants that if they made even a single sound, they would all be dragged down to Hell by their thumbs. They, as ponies, didn’t have any thumbs of course, but the idea was still the same. Shit was quiet as dicks.

Crinkling his nose yet again, Delirious suddenly noticed that he was walking through a puddle of something he didn’t recognize. Frowning deeply, he backpedaled toward the unconscious body of a Unicorn and wiped his hooves on the stallion’s grey coat. He held a leg up to walk toward it yet again before an idea struck him, and after about half a minute, successfully dragged the stained body over the puddle of what he assumed to be a mixture of piss and alcohol. Standing over the body, he gave a smile, nodded, and said simply.

“Bitch.”

Trotting over the Unicorn’s fur, he made it across the dreaded Pisscohol Puddle and found himself in what he immediately named Sweat Sanctuary. Here he saw the denizens of the area, the Sweatians, comatose beyond belief and lying on their backs, their sides, and their fronts near shards of glass, wood, and… is that a golf club?

Delirious raised a brow, walking toward the weapon lying on the ground. Standing over it, he prodded it with a hoof, expecting it to explode in his face and have him respawn outside, where a paper-bagged person and a pig would run him over, only to be shotgunned by a Mexican and finished by a monkey in a track jacket, accompanied by the sound of a foreigner’s laugh and a one-liner from a Canadian.

God he missed Los Santos.

Scooping up the golf club, he mimicked the awkward swinging of one’s first lightsaber and promptly shoved it in his groin. Feeling like the owner was somewhere nearby, Delirious looked to his right, and found Vanoss leaning against a wall, a broken bottle in his hoof. Sitting next to him with a hammer was Rainbow Dash, who was sleeping in the same vein as a dog, curled up in a circle of her own body.

Giving a little smile, he suddenly became aware of a sound right next to him. Head snapping toward the source like a hawk, he witnessed a brown stallion peering up at him, his hat covering his eyes as he giggled.

“H-hey man. You got a,” he hiccuped, “drink?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, reaching toward his crotch. Pulling out his baseball bat, he patted it once, saying, “it’s called Ice-Cold Knockout. Wanna sample?”

“Sure-”

BONK

Rolling his blue eyes, he gave the now unconscious body a swift kick to the side, growling, “Stupid bitch.” Holstering the baseball bat, he turned tail and began to walk toward Vanoss and Rainbow Dash. Tilting his head, he expected to find Applejack to no avail, not seeing a single sign of her near the other two. Sucking in his cheeks, he breathed out his nostrils and moaned, expecting his mission to be easy.

Tapping the floor with a hoof, he listened to the sound of the ceiling fan whirring as he looked around for Applejack. He did not find her, but he knew where to look as his eyes landed upon a light brown Stetson. Suddenly, his eyes narrowed, noticing the lack of an orange mare underneath it. Instead, a light green Earth Pony sat on the floor, a smile on his face with a hoof pressed firmly atop the brim of the hat.

Delirious growled somewhere down his throat, beginning to trot over to him. Avoiding Pisscohol Puddle, he found himself standing next to him in less time than he had noticed. Watching as the Earth Pony snored, Delirious brought a hoof up to his right ear, all but throwing the limb as he Godfather-smacked the stallion awake.

“Wh-what the hell…?”

Delirious gave him a glare in silence, before swiftly grabbing the Stetson and holding it in a hoof. With his other, he took a nearby bottle and smashed it into the stallion’s temple, rendering him unconscious once again. “That’s right, motherfucker. Go back to bed.” Placing a hoof inside the body of the hat, he stepped three legs across the pub, searching for Applejack.

Looking toward the stage, he finally found her.

She was slumped over the entirety of a table that Delirious noticed must have been flung up there, her head hanging with her eyes pointed at the ground and her mane messy. A few comatose bodies sat defeated at the bottom of the stage. Delirious gave a grin, and hobbled over to the mare, making sure to step on each and every single body that lay in his path. Finally reaching her position, he quietly placed the Stetson on her head.

The body stirred, almost unnoticeably. Giving a grin, he walked next to the table, brought two hooves up, and carried the mare, struggling as his legs wobbled feebly. Adjusting himself to the weight of her body, he threw her over his back, made sure she was distributed evenly across it, and began to walk. Suddenly, he stopped. Looking to his left, he watched the mare’s head dip to the ground. Thinking quickly, he pushed her teetering Stetson back onto her head, pressing it against her head to make sure it didn’t fall. Now feeling ready, he began to walk toward the entrance with a slight hobble in his step, one he hadn’t noticed before.

Paying it no mind, he was kept from making another step as he heard the sound of a door creaking open. Looking toward the source, he braced himself. Instead of some drunken stallion ready to kick Delirious' ass, Scootaloo walked out from behind the corner of the bar, a curious look on her face as she nipped loudly. She stopped as she spotted Vanoss and Rainbow Dash lying on the ground next to her, stepping toward the latter cautiously. Waving a hoof in front of Rainbow's face, Scootaloo called quietly, "Rainbow! Rainbow, wake up!"

The mare took no heed, instead opting to ignore the filly and continue sleeping. Rainbow's body moved, adjusting to the wooden floor beneath her, and settled down in the exact same position. Scootaloo sucked in her bottom lip, frowning slightly as she turned, seeing Delirious, who began to walk over to her.

"Hey Scootaloo, you okay?"

The filly nodded, poking a hoof in Rainbow's side. Looking back up, she responded, "I think the better question would be to ask you."

Delirious gave a skeptical look, but adjusted the mare over his back and said calmly, "Yeah I'm... fine. Woke up in the fuckin' garbage though..."

Scootaloo nodded her head slightly, as if studying a clue to a mystery, "Yeah, that's kinda what I expected, since that's where he threw you."

"He?"

"Yeah," she said with a wave of her hoof, "some guy was hitting on Applejack, I think, and you got all up in his face and he got mad. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention. I was drinking my root beer." She cast a glance to the bar, finding said root beer scattered along the surface. Looking back at Delirious, she grinned, "You guys started fighting, and then everypony else joined in."

"Huh."

"It was awesome."

Delirious snorted, smiling, "Hell yeah it was."

Scootaloo took a glance behind her, then turned back and asked, "What about those two? We can't just leave them here..."

Delirious waved a hoof, then brought it over and tussled the filly's purple mane lightly, "Don't worry about them. I've seen Vanoss get up from worse. And Dash seems pretty badass, I'm sure she'll wake up and feel okay after a few Advil's."

"Ad-what?"

"Wow, you guys really don't have those here? Jesus. What do you guys do for headaches?"

Scootaloo thought for a second, then smiled and said, "We just use magic. Not too hard, especially since the doctor's is only right across the bridge."

Delirious shook his head with a smirk, "Yeah... I know that all too well."

Scootaloo tilted her head and asked, "Is Applejack okay?"

The stallion turned his head to look over his shoulder, finding the mare peacefully napping on his back, the Stetson still atop her head. He gave a likewise peaceful look, then peered over at Scootaloo and said, "Yeah, she's fine. I just need to get her back to her house. Don't really want her to wake up in the middle of a fucking sweaty-ass bar."

The filly nodded, "Makes sense. What about Rainbow Dash?"

"I'm sure it won't be the first time for her. Besides," he said, moving his body, "can only carry so much."

Scootaloo gave him a blank look, but sighed and began to walk with him. "Yeah... good point."

Looking, he asked bluntly, "The hell you doin'?"

"Coming with you."

"Why?"

"You said so yourself. That place is gross as buck. I don't think a filly my age should be in there anyway."

As Delirious held the door open, allowing Scootaloo to pass by, he asked from behind her, "How old are you anyway? I'm confused as hell about it, especially since Apple Bloom's scary as fuck."

"Twelve and three-quarters!"

"'Twelve and three-quarters'?"

"Yup," she said, slowing down as Delirious walked alongside her. Giving a cocky grin, she struck a pose as she walked and exclaimed, "Turning thirteen in a few months. It's gonna be awesome! Hey, you should come!"

"I'm not sure I'll be here that long."

She looked up at him with a look of sadness, "Aww... why not? C'mon, can't you stick around for my birthday at least?"

"Well I mean, I could try... I'm just not sure what I'm even doing here to begin with."

Still walking in the moonlight, Scootaloo took a few large, experimental steps, trying to keep pace with Delirious' own steps. Noticing this, Delirious gave a short laugh. "Heh heh, what are you doin'?"

"I'm tryin' ta, oops, see if I can match your step! It's uh," she stopped, stumbling a little bit, only to catch herself and continue a moment later, "lot harder than I thought."

"Want me to slow down-"

"No!"

Delirious flinched.

"Uh, I uh, I mean 'no'. Sorry."

Delirious returned to his prior position as he looked forward, "It's alright."

"Yeah, it's just... I don't like it when people say that stuff to me..."

Looking at her still trying to keep step, he summed it up, "Don't like it when people have to stop for you?"

She shook her head, continuing her activity, "Yeah. Buncha jerks at school are always joking around. 'Oh, we should slow down a bit for Scootaloo', or, 'Oh, maybe we should let Scootaloo catch up, isn't that right Diamond Tiara?' And then she'd say, 'Of course. After all, Blank Flanks are always a little slow.' And then she'd add, 'More like really slow' and then they'd laugh and just AUUUUUUUUGH."

Scootaloo gave a mighty kick into the ground in front of her, sending a clump of grass and dirt flying away. Watching as it sailed into a group of houses, Delirious whistled and said simply, "Holy shit." He looked over at Scootaloo and watched as she growled down in her throat somewhere. Quickly attempting to defuse the situation, he added, "Helluva kick."

She smiled slightly, "Thanks. My dad teaches me."

"He some kinda soccer coach or something?"

"No," she replied, shaking her head, "he's the Manehattan Buccaneers main Bucker." Looking up at Delirious' clearly confused expression, she included, "which means he's one hay of a kicker. He's always gone all the time, and my mom is out touring with her singing group, so I'm on my own most of the time."

Delirious chuckled, "God, I wish I had that when I was a kid. Would've been fuckin' awesome!"

"Well, I mean, you can do that now, can't you Delirious?"

He settled down, going silent for a brief minute. Suddenly, he piped up. "Huh."

Scootaloo giggled, and increased her speed slightly to catch up with Delirious, having lagged behind as she relayed the limited vocabulary of her bullies. With nothing to talk about, the two walked through the quiet Ponyville in the dead of night, side-by-side. The air was slightly chilly thanks to the lack of clouds and the blowing wind, but the heat of the summer season struck back and evened it out for them. With the bar far behind them, Delirious adjusted Applejack's body, grunting as her hoof suddenly hit a ginger spot. Scootaloo noticed his seething, and crouched, peering at his side.

She eyed his body for a brief second as the two stopped, and said, "Ooh, looks like you've got a bit of a cut on your side." She looked at Delirious and shrugged, "guess you fell on something in the dumpster."

Delirious gave a short shrug in kind, beginning to walk again at a slower pace.

Scootaloo joined him, happily bouncing next to the stallion as the two continued through the town. Though dark as it was, the various streetlamps dotting the area were enough to illuminate their path, and so the two knew where to head. It took a little while longer before Scootaloo broke the silence.

"Where you from?"

Delirious nipped loudly, put off by the odd question. His silence was her answer.

"I mean, you're obviously not from around here. What, you from Manehattan? Las Pegasus?"

"Los Santos."

"Never heard of it."

Delirious shrugged mid-step, "I thought not."

"Was it nice there?" She asked with a hint of wonderment.

He thought for a minute, and sighed before saying, "The place was smelly as hell and everyone hated each other. It was nice, though, yeah. Sunny beaches, blue skies. Damn, I fuckin' miss it."

"Any friends?"

Delirious smiled underneath the mask, "Yeah. I mean, you already met Vanoss. Yeah. Yeah, I had a few. My friend Lui, for one. He and I always beat the shit out of each other, we're practically rivals. Then there's Wildcat. He's funny as shit when he's not calling me a dildo smoker or getting mad over little things."

Scootaloo scrunched up her face. "Sounds like a pig."

Delirious laughed, "Yeah, he's a pig. You got that right." They passed beneath a street lamp, and Scootaloo hissed.

"Probably not a good idea to look at that light..."

"Why?"

"Rainbow told me to go to the bathroom before it got all violent and stuff. Place was dark. I kinda... fell asleep."

Delirious laughed again, a bit louder this time, "Don't worry, heh heh. I would've too. Hell, I'm surprised I fell asleep in a fuckin' dumpster."

Scootaloo giggled with him, "Well, I guess trash just goes with trash-"

"Oh fuck you-"

"Hey now, I'm just a filly. I'm not even sixteen yet. It's illegal."

Delirious rolled his eyes, glaring at the orange filly, "Is this gonna be a thing now? Is it Everybody Be A Dick To Delirious Day?"

"Yup, I'm the leader. Applejack's co-founder." Scootaloo suddenly looked to her right. "How is she anyway? Doesn't seem to be moving..."

Delirious looked over his shoulder, watching the bouncing mare on his back snore peacefully. "She's just sleepin'. She'll wake up in a few. Speaking of which, we need to get her home. Double time, Scootaloo."

Her wings buzzed excitedly, "Cool! Let's go!"

The two began to walk a brisk pace, turning a corner and beginning to walk across a bridge. Stepping back onto the dirt, they saw Sweet Apple Acres in the distance. The duo looked at each other, grins on their face as they jogged through the front gate. Slowing down, laughing, they approached the front door, the moon hanging above them giving them the only light in the area. Delirious, looking forward, suddenly caught a glance of red coming from the entrance. Straining his eyes, he was able to make it out as they got closer.

Eventually reaching the front steps, Delirious and Scootaloo looked at Big Macintosh, who gave them blank looks in response.

"What're y'all doin' out here so late?" His eyes darted to Delirious' back. "And what's wrong with mah sis?"

"She just had a few drinks in her, so I had to carry her home when she fell asleep-"

"Why didn't'cha just wait 'til mornin'? Or, better yet, why didn't'cha come get me?" Looking Delirious up and down, he noticed the almost unnoticeable shaking in his legs. "Ah'm a lot stronger than yer skinny flank-"

"Fuck off."

Macintosh flinched.

"She didn't ask me to. I did it. She's safe." Adjusting her on his back, he said with a growl, "Don't be a dick."

Macintosh opened his mouth to speak, but shut his mouth in favor of being the better stallion. Delirious walked past him, making sure to bump him with his foreleg as he did so. Scootaloo followed closely behind, a look of confusion on her face as the two walked into the living room. Glancing behind her shoulder, Scootaloo turned to Delirious ahead of her and observed, "I've never seen him so mad before. He's always so nice and stuff to us..."

Delirious grumbled, "He's probably just in a bad mood," though he knew it wasn't the truth.

Scootaloo believed it anyhow. "Yeah, probably."

Delirious trotted over to the large green couch sitting by a coffee table, bending over to his right cautiously. Bringing a foreleg up, he slung Applejack over his body, rolling her onto the couch, where she began to snore into the backrest. Grimacing, he quickly picked her Stetson off the floor, placing it on the armrest next to her head. Looking around, he found a blanket draped over a rocking chair. Retrieving it, he unfolded it and placed it over Applejack, who shifted slightly before falling back to sleep.

Delirious smiled, turning around to walk out the door. Scootaloo joined him, a sly grin on her face. She chose to remain silent, not wanting to disturb the snoring green mare sitting in the rocking chair in the kitchen. Walking out the front door and past Big Macintosh, Delirious dared not even look back, the two stepping off the front steps when the front door closed, signifying his leaving. Stepping hoof onto the grass, they began to walk back to town.

Suddenly, Scootaloo's stomach gurgled.

"I'm hungry."

"You are?"

"Yeah, I-"

A noise sounded out from behind them. Looking back, they watched as a window slid open, a familiar yellow filly looking out at them, her mane a mess.

"Hey guys!" She called in a hushed shout. "You guys talkin' 'bout food?"

Delirious blinked. Once, twice, three times.

"Wow-"

"Yeah! You wanna come?!" Scootaloo asked in a likewise tone.

Apple Bloom called back, "Hay yeah!" and proceeded to climb off the roof. Going to the right side, she dangled over the side and fell into a small cart of hay. Getting out, and spilling hay in the process, Apple Bloom cantered over to them with a grin on her face, her mane bedraggled and her bow crooked atop her head.

"Hey, thanks fer helpin' mah sis back there. Mac's a bit of a plothole sometimes, but 'e just wants what's best for her. You'd do fine ta just ignore him fer now," Apple Bloom said with an appreciative expression.

Delirious gave a smile, but quickly repressed it as he realized the situation at hand.

"Uh, whaddya guys wanna eat?"

"Well, Hay Burgers kinda burnt down thanks to you..."

"We could go to Cockatoo's," Delirious said blankly, looking at the two fillies.

They gave him confused looks in response.

"Cock-a-what-now?"

Delirious groaned, facehoofing, "For fuck's sake..."

Author's Note

That thing I said about not releasing a new chapter?

I lied.

Hope you enjoyed, I'm really proud of this one. :ajsmug:

Send It Farther On

Applejack wasn't necessarily a big fan of herbal substances when it came down to it. The bubbly, earthy taste always felt like muddy sludge down her throat, and quite honestly she could barely digest something that felt like it had come out of the rear end of a bird. On the other hoof, Applejack wasn't necessarily a big fan of medicine either, but it was one of the two options she had at her disposal at the moment, and she would've rather taken the small, disk-shaped pill than a bottle of bird scat.

Thinking on this for a brief second, she closed her eyes and shook her head, attempting to dispel the slight ringing that accompanied the action. Looking ahead with a large sigh, she clenched her jaw and turned on the faucet in front of her, dispensing a steady amount of water into the small cup sitting inside. Watching in a tired silence as it filled, she threw a hoof forward and turned the appliance off, reaching for the cup and placing it on the counter to her right.

Looking to her left, her green eyes narrowed as she took notice of the large white pill bottle. Grabbing it, she scanned its exterior label for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that hour. She had woken up an hour-and-a-half ago in her bed, hot, tired, and cramped with a slight migraine. She had gotten out of bed and had fallen, and that was when she had realized what had happened the night before, and so here she was, glaring over the small pills that were supposed to help with hangovers.

It's not like it was her first time, but it was a time for sure.

Turning the vial around, she read the words aloud.

"Alka Saltzer. Fer all yer hangover needs." Straining her eyes, she attempted to discern the smaller print underneath, "Any an' all side effects are not of our concern, and include but are not limit'd to swellin', hernias, hives, Hen Disease, Echstacy, an' penis sclerosis...?" Staring at nothing in particular, a frown on her face, she turned her head toward her behind and said, "Ah'm about a hundred percent sure that ain't somethin' Ah've gotta worry about."

Giving out another sigh, she looked back down at the bottle in her hooves with a vilifying look on her face. Breathing out, she threw her head forward and bit down on the cap, turning it in one swift motion. Unscrewing the rest with her other hoof, she all but flung the cap across the room at the encounter of yet another blinding headache. Groaning, she peered through her blurry vision and overturned the bottle atop the counter.

Nothing came out.

Gritting her teeth, she shook it.

Nothing.

"Faust dammit, now ain't the time you consarned son of a-"

A small tablet fell toward the counter, bouncing twice before settling down. Giving a frown, she stepped toward the sink and grabbed the cup of water. Sitting on her haunches, she retrieved the pill in the other limb. Looking between the two, she gave one final sigh before simply saying, "Well... down th' hatch Ah suppose."

She threw the pill into her mouth and immediately suppressed the urge to gag. True to its name, the Alka Saltzer tasted like salt. Swiftly, she chugged the cup of water as fast as she was able, wanting desperately to rid herself of the disgusting waft of salt. Finally, she gulped, and settled against the wall with an outburst of breath. Glowering at nothing, she slowly looked up toward the top of the medicine cabinet, finding the small clock ticking away loudly. How she hadn't noticed it before struck her as logically impossible.

8:22 A.M.

Growling down in her throat somewhere, she scrambled to her hooves, throwing a hoof into the doorway and walking into the hallway.

Even after a whole night of drinking, she still couldn't help but wake up early.

With nothing upstairs required, she turned left and began to descend the staircase, her train of thought completely off the rails. Each creak of the old wood beneath her hooves threatened to rip her skull apart, but she was able to persevere and finally set hoof on the ground floor. Walking into the living room, looking every which way, she suddenly became aware of the sound of talking. Reaching the corner, she leaned her head against the wall and listened.

"Hey," the sound of lips smacking became apparent, "Delirious."

Paper crinkled. "Wh-what," burp, "Scootaloo?"

"When do you think Applejack's gonna," paper, "wake up?"

"I don't fuckin' know. Could be hours. Hell, after what happened last night I'd be surprised she ever woke up-"

THWACK

"Ow! Shit... I fuckin' deserved that, heh heh..."

Suddenly, another voice chimed in. "Don't be so dumb, Delirious. Mah sister's gone through worse. Ah just told ya about th' whole Nightmare Night thing-"

"Which was pretty fuckin' cool."

"Thanks for the food by the way, Delirious. Geez, I was so hungry..."

"Me too! We should go there more of'en. Ah didn't even know there was such thing as a Burger Shot here."

"And it sounds so awesome! Burger. Shot! Like some dumb kids film, or- or like a cool mascot!"

More paper crinkled. "Quiet the fuck down and eat your peas, Scootaloo."

"Shut up Delirious, I'm not eating any peas."

"I don't care, eat yer food. It cost like twenty dollars, I coulda spent that shit on somethin' important!"

"Like what?"

The three turned, finding Applejack walking into the living room with a grin on her face. Raising a brow, she asked, "Like what, Delirious? Go on, Ah can wait."

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom both turned back to Delirious, awaiting his answer as he sat on the couch. Eyes narrowed, as if he had been on the receiving end of a joke he didn't understand, he glanced down at the ground to his right, mouthing something even his own mind couldn't compute correctly. Looking back up quietly, he shrugged and said simply, "Shit."

"Watch yer language, Delirious. There are foals in the room, if ya didn't know-"

"It's not like we haven't heard it before..." Scootaloo said with an unimpressed look her way.

"Well," Applejack started, gazing down at the orange filly, "girls yer age shouldn't be around stuff like that. Ain't appropriate."

"Applejack, Delirious curses all the time. It's okay."

The mare glared his way in the same vein as a hawk spotting its prey. And quite frankly, Delirious was that prey. Sinking in his seat, he gave the left and right side of the living room quick glances of recognition. Applejack walked over to him slowly, a suspicious look on her face. Standing over him, she leered at him, watching as his blue eyes looked up at her out of the corner of his eyes.

Expression unchanged, she softly bonked him on the side of his head, speaking, "Y'all need ta work on that."

"Hey, you're the one who said 'bitch' the other day-"

"You what now?! Y'all can't be- Applejack! You swore?!" Apple Bloom asked, surprised.

"Ah can say with the utmost certainty that Ah didn't say a single swear," Applejack replied, waving a confirming hoof in front of her.

"What are you, a dictionary? Who the hay says that?" Scootaloo asked, a genuine look of skepticism on her face.

Applejack turned back to Scootaloo, eyes narrowed. She now noticed that she was wearing her Crusader's cape. Deciding to speak up, she asked, "Y'all doin' some Crusadin' today?"

Apple Bloom smiled at her from behind the couch, her hooves propped atop the backrest. "Yup! We're gonna see if we can get our Cutie Marks in scavenging!"

"Scavengin'- scavengin' what?"

"Banana Split's banana stand! It's still there, and Delirious thought we might as well take what's left, since she doesn't need it anymore!"

The three watched as the mare suddenly cringed, holding a hoof to her head as she stepped a few inches back. Lowering the limb, she shook her head and said through clenched teeth, "...y'all mind bein' a li'l quiet? Mah head hurts a little..."

"Sorry, sis."

"Yeah," Scootaloo added, mimicking Apple Bloom's apologetic expression, "sorry Applejack."

She gave them a smile in return, "It's alright. Ah've just got a-"

"She's fuckin' hungover. She must've been a lightweight."

The smile faded.

Delirious, noticing this, leaned forward in his seat, reaching into the white paper bag on the table. Bringing the appendage back out, he held a small hayburger in his hoof. Shaking it, he asked innocently, "You want a burger?" Applejack gave him a frown. "We're about ta head out an' shit. Wanna make sure you eat something, at least."

"Ah'd rather eat somethin' healthy, if ya don't mind."

Delirious laughed, putting the burger back into the bag, "Your loss." Getting up, he trotted around the couch, beckoning the fillies to follow suit, "C'mon guys."

They did so, and the trio walked to the front door. As Delirious opened it, allowing the giggling fillies to walk underneath his outstretched arm and outside, he turned toward Applejack and called, "We're gonna go to the market! See you in a bit!" Hearing Applejack give him a confirming callback, he added under his breath, "ch."

The door slammed shut, and Applejack was alone.

The mare smiled at the closed door, and turned tail to walk into the kitchen, "healthy" food in her mind. It was more of an excuse than an actual fact, and was one she would usually pull if Rainbow Dash or Apple Bloom were to ask her about burgers, or fries, or soda or whatever. Truth be told, her stomach just never really agreed with the stuff. Shaking her head, she dispelled the thoughts of good food and opted on making some eggs.

She needed all of her strength for the Harvest tomorrow.

Her head snapped up, fridge door still open with her hoof coiled around its handle.

Her eyes shrank.

Slamming the refrigerator door shut, she flew out of the house with a simple shout.

"Market!"

She came sprinting into the marketplace, her green eyes glancing every which way as if she were a hawk on the search for prey. Though the crowd of ponies was smaller than the previous day - or what little she could remember from the previous day - she still found it difficult to look for what she desperately needed. Gritting her teeth, having no luck in the search, she turned right and walked over to a florist's stand, finding her friend Roseluck.

With heavy panting, she asked, "Roseluck? Hey, you see a cart 'round here filled with farmin' equipment?"

Roseluck gave her a thoughtful look, humming as she looked to the ground. Rubbing her chin, she spoke, "I don't think so... I'd certainly notice something like that..." Turning her head toward the small cart next to her, she called to the blue stallion currently washing their spare flowers, "Hey, Noteworthy?"

Noteworthy turned his head, flipping the switch on the garden hose off. Giving a soft smile, he said, "Oh, hey Applejack! Yeah, Roseluck, what's up?"

Roseluck rolled her eyes, "Stop daydreaming. You see a cart filled with farming equipment today?"

Noteworthy sucked in his cheeks, stood silent for a brief few seconds, and gave a shrug, "Nope. Sorry. Why, Applejack lose one?"

"Yeah, Ah did. Mighty shame, Ah really need ta find it."

"You need some help?" Noteworthy asked, "Roseluck wouldn't mind if I took a few hours off, wouldn't be the first time-"

"No thank ya, Sugarcube. Ah can handle this myself. Besides, Ah can't keep you from home for some dumb matters o' mine." Seeing his sorry expression, she waved a hoof and added, "Don't worry 'bout it. Ah'll see y'all later, thanks for the help!"

The two bid farewell, and Applejack trotted to the center of the marketplace, eyes peeled for any sign of her missing cart. Stupid stupid stupid. Y'all should be ashamed of yourself, losin' a whole cart overnight. Gee, did the thought that maybe you should, Ah dunno, get it at some point occur to you? Course not. Now the Harvest'll have ta be delayed, and it's all your fault. She bowed her head, sighing into the ground as she realized how badly she had messed up.

A small pattering of dirt met her ears, completely distinct from the sounds of the other, busy ponies in the area.

"Hey sis, you alright?"

Applejack gave another sigh, not looking at her sister out of fear. Finally, she spoke, "...no Apple Bloom, Ah ain't."

"What's the matter?"

Applejack slowly turned her head, expecting to find her little sister looking up at her in shame.

What she found was her sister looking up at her in confusion, along with five other ponies next to her. Applejack gave them a shrug and a frown. "Hey y'all."

"You alright Applejack?" Delirious asked, brow raised. "Whose ass do I have to kick-"

"Hey D, if we're gonna kick some flank, you're bringing me with you," Rainbow said, looking at him with a glare.

"No, it ain't-"

"We can help too!"

"Yeah, maybe we could get our Cutie Marks in plot kicking!"

"Guys, stop-"

The red Earth Pony pulled out a sticky bomb, looking at Delirious as he asked, "You ready Delirious?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Show me your back-"

"Listen!"

The six stopped, looking at Applejack as she gave them blank looks of annoyance. She let out a long breath, looking at the ground, "Ah lost a cart th' other night..."

Delirious' ears flattened against his head.

"It was filled with farmin' equipment we needed for tomorrow. Ah s'pose Ah left it here overnight last night, and it ain't nowhere to be seen. Ah..." she looked up, a sad expression on her face, "...Ah hate ta say it, but... Ah need yer help." She froze, not expecting what she saw next.

Vanoss gave her a determined look, a special carbine cradled in his forelegs as he stood on his hindlegs. The Crusaders looked up at her defiantly, saluting her silently in the bright sunlight, their capes flowing behind them in the wind. Delirious smiled at her underneath the mask, holding his baseball bat out in front of him, a glare on his brow. Finally, Rainbow stood in the front, straight and tall as a Royal Guard, a strong-willed tone in her behavior as she too saluted.

Overall, the whole thing was a goddamn show.

Finally, she spoke, joined by Vanoss, Delirious, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and her sister Apple Bloom.

"Where to, AJ?"

Applejack smiled, letting out a sputter of laughter as she shook her head. Keeping face, she mimicked their expression and saluted them in kind. Eyes wide, she noticed a distinct lacking of something important atop her head. Feeling her scalp, she touched her mane absent-mindedly. Blinking rapidly, she realized that she had left her Stetson back at the house.

"Hold up, I got this."

Applejack watched as Delirious broke formation, walking up to her, his expression unchanged. He stood in front of her like a statue for what seemed like hours, the mare growing slightly uncomfortable. Suddenly, she watched as a brown cowboy hat appeared on Delirious' head, noticeably different from her Stetson. Taking it off his head, he placed it on Applejack's, commenting, "It ain't yours, but it's something."

It was enough.

Making sure it was secure, she drew her head back and gave them a salute as Delirious returned to his previous position. Giving them a sly grin, she said simply.

"Let's go find us a cart."

Author's Note

Solace, my game

it stars you.

Superhero Without The Cape

Noteworthy was bored. He surely wasn’t tired. No. He could handle a whole day at his job, doing nothing but watering flowers and collecting money from customers. No, Noteworthy was plain and simply bored out of his mind. His golden irises looked up at the Macintosh Mountains, finding the Sun slowly descending behind the rocky formation. It was about six o’ clock, which meant that he had about half an hour before he could get off work and get home.

And how great home would be, especially with what he was bringing. Looking to the ground next to him, Noteworthy smiled, his eyes taking notice of the large plastic bags nestled inside his saddlebags, already prepped for his departure. Knowing that there wouldn’t be many customers to tend to, he bent over and grasped his teeth on his bags, hoisting his head up and over and finally depositing the bags onto the stand in front of him.

Using his muzzle, he threw the flaps open, sucked in his cheeks, and made sure everything was there and accounted for. He had gotten groceries on his lunch break, a large amount that would probably make anypony think twice about eating it in its entirety. Bread, pasta, lettuce, it was all there. Eyes taking notice of the small list crammed against the bag, he retrieved it with a hoof and realized it was his shopping list.

He suddenly wondered why after wanting bread, pasta, and lettuce, she would want cookies. Scrunching his eyes, he then wondered what she had meant by cookie burgers, and remembered he had also gotten hay for them. Frowning, he let go of the list, watching as it floated down into the saddlebag. Closing the flap, he suddenly had an idea, turning tail to talk to his boss, who was busy doing his other job.

Turning the hose off, she turned, hearing his hoofsteps, “Hey Noteworthy, ya ready to go home so soon?” She laughed, giving him a smile, “I don’t mind if you get off early. I know how important it is for you to get ho-”

“Actually,” Noteworthy said, grinning at her, “I hope I’m not being too rude for asking, but… you mind if I grab a bouquet? I could pay.”

Roseluck’s ears flattened against her head as her lip wobbled, “No… no need, Noteworthy.” She turned, plucking a collection from the cart. “She still want roses?”

Noteworthy nodded, retrieving the bouquet from Roseluck, who couldn’t help but d’aww at the situation. Noteworthy gave a small thanks, turning on his heel to collect his saddlebags. Instead, another idea sprung, and he reached a hoof inside and found a single bit. Trotting over to the register, he opened it up and placed it inside, catching the attention of his boss.

“What, that’s it? One bit?”

“Yup. Deal with it, boss.”

“Rude,” Roseluck said, but she was chuckling.

Noteworthy, bouquet in hoof, turned back to his saddlebags and began to walk toward them, thinking about how great it would be to finally get home after the long day, and to finally see-

“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

A blue Pegasus suddenly careened into the flower stand, absolutely destroying it and sending bits and pieces of wood into the air in his wake. He ducked, rolled, and finally settled on the grass in a broken position, before he got up and began to brush the dust off himself. He suddenly gained notice of a pair of eyes looking at him, and found a blue stallion glaring at him blankly, a frown on his face in what he assumed to be tranquil rage.

“Sup.”

“Shitbag.”

“Jesus,” Delirious said, drawing his head back, “work on the language dude. There’re foals here, man.” Ignoring the calling of protest from what he noticed was a mare, Delirious unfurled his wings and flew back to his attacker, giving a giggle all the while. “Dude you won’t fuckin’ believe what just happened-”

“Did you see that shit?! I sent your ass flying, Delirious!” Vanoss replied, a huge grin on his face as he threw up his arms.

“You fuckin’ dropkicked me, man. It was fuckin’ sick!”

“You two done yet?”

They turned, finding Rainbow Dash hovering in the air, arms crossed, “We’re kinda trying to find a missing cart here…”

“Oh, I found it!” Vanoss said, pointing at the stallion next to him, “It’s in Delirious’ asshole!”

Delirious giggled, turning his body around and sticking his rump out. Wiggling his body, he could barely keep himself together, “G-go on now! Take a look inside! There’s candy!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes, rotating her body to hover away from the two, muttering, “Men…” under her breath, just enough for them to hear.

Vanoss and Delirious laughed into the dusk sky, their thoughts anywhere but their current mission. Calming down, they looked at one another with large, dramatic, right-after-you-make-a-shitty-joke-and-laugh-really-long sighs.

Vanoss broke the silence.

“No but seriously Delirious you need to stop sticking candy up your ass.”

Delirious raised his tail, reaching behind himself and pulling out a box of P’s & Q’s, whimpering feignedly, “I just c-can’t help myself man…” He opened the box as he began to cry, tipping the carton over until the contents spilled down his mouth.

“Jesus Delirious, I was just fucking around. That’s gross.”

“Yeah, well that’s what I said to your mama last night-”

“Fuckin’ got me,” Vanoss said with a laugh, to which Delirious joined, throwing the box of candy on the ground. Vanoss sighed, raising a hoof and placing his sunglasses atop his head. “God, I’m tired. It’s like eight o’ clock-”

“Actually,” a voice said from nearby, “it’s six oh-five in the afternoon.” They looked to the source, and found Apple Bloom, her Crusader cape furling in the wind behind her. She noticed Delirious staring, and promptly reached to her side and pulled his out. Frowning, she flung it at him, “Put this feathered thing on! Yer a Crusader, Delirious! Y’all gotta act like one!”

Delirious stretched the cape in front of him, eyeing its red surface with a raised brow, “It’s, like, the exact same as yours.” Looking down, he added, “I told y’all I don’t like wearin’ this thing…”

“Well, you’re gonna have ta deal with it,” Apple Bloom explained, sticking out her tongue, “plus, we actually did put something on your cape-”

“Hey! Apple Bloom!”

Apple Bloom turned, finding almost the rest of the party nearby. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle gave her smiles, and immediately raised hooves to yawn simultaneously. Rainbow struggled to not join in, instead opting to remain hovering in the air, scratching the back of her head as she scanned the area around them.

The marketplace was about empty, the immediate time calling for ponies to return home for the day. Though there were a few left here and there, the amount was manageable, and the group was able to ask around about their mission in less than ten minutes.

Unfortunately, it did nothing to help them accomplish it.

“Still can’t believe nopony saw it yersterday…” Rainbow said, turning back to the others, “you’d think a big, wooden cart would be pretty easy ta spot.” Sighing, she looked behind her, watching out for her friend.

“Where’s Applejack?” Scootaloo asked, adjusting her cape with a hoof. Failing, she jumped slightly as Sweetie Belle ignited her horn next to her, beginning to do it herself.

“Not sure, Squirt. She could be anywhere by now.” She looked at the filly, adding, “I’m not sure why it’s so important to her…”

“Maybe it’s ‘cause she, I dunno, finds it important?” Delirious asked, giving the mare a blank look, “‘cause it’s, I dunno, the Harvest tomorrow?”

Rainbow Dash rotated swiftly, a glare on her brow as she pointed, “That’s not what I meant! I’d buy her a friggin’ ’nother one if I had to!” Crossing her arms, she gave another sigh, and finally yawned, “I just don’t know why this one is so important, I guess.”

“Well,” a voice began, “Ah s’pose it’s just ‘cause o’ tradition.”

Their heads turned, finding a very tired-looking Applejack trudging toward them as slowly as a snail in withdrawal. She stopped a foot away, adjusting Delirious’ cowboy hat atop her head. Looking at the group, she gave a weak smile, “That cart is Apple Family tradition, passed on by mah parents, and passed on by their’s.”

Rainbow gave a frown as she turned away slightly, trying her hardest to not yawn involuntarily.

Somepony else did next to her, catching the orange mare’s attention.

“Hey, Bloom,” she said, her voice soft, “y’all tired yet?”

Apple Bloom, through a yawn, waved her sister off, “‘course not! Ah can handle this! Ah ain’t tired-”

“Bloom, Ah wouldn’t put it past ya if y’all were tired. If ya wanna head back to the barn and get some shut-eye, Ah’d understand.” She spun, staring at the others, “that goes for you too, everypony. Ah shouldn’t’ve sent y’all on some wild goose chase. Goes to show how much Ah ain’t the Element of Loyalty-”

A cyan blur tackled her, grabbing her in a tight hug. Applejack, though confused at first, eventually realized who it was, and returned the gesture. Rainbow Dash escaped after a couple seconds, saying with a hoof to her chest, “But I am, and there’s no way I would not help my best friends.” She chuckled, adding, “Especially you, AJ.”

The mare smiled, looking to the ground next to her. Her little sister sat, belly to the air, asleep, snoring as loudly as a cow in a tin foil house. Applejack gave a small laugh, grinning, “Guess she got bored listenin’ to us ramble.” Bending over, she picked the filly up, nestling her over her back. “Ah’ve gotta get ‘er home. Ah s’pose you all should too. Ain’t fair o’ me to keep ya from sleep, especially you Rainbow Dash.”

She looked down at Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, “And you two should head off home. Ah know fer a fact that Sweetie Belle’s got bass lessons tomorrow, an’ it’s not nice of me ta have Rares be worried about you,” Turning, she said over her shoulder, “head on home now.”

“Applejack, the Harvest is tomorrow. What’re you gonna do?” Rainbow Dash asked, a grim expression on her face.

Applejack spun, looking her friends in the face. In the dawning moonlight, they could see the large bags nestled underneath her eyelids, her kind, happy expression betraying them entirely. She gave a soft smile, claiming in a low voice, “...well, Ah s’pose the Harvest’ll have ta wait for a couple days. No worries.”

She looked at Delirious, but addressed the crowd, “Thanks for the help y’all. But Ah think it’s about time ta quit.”

Finally, she walked off, heading to Sweet Apple Acres, the snoozing Apple Bloom draped over her back. The five remaining looked at one another in silence, their thoughts different from each others.

Finally, Vanoss spoke, yawning, “Well, I’m fuckin’ tired.” He turned right, intending to head into town, “c’mon Delirious. Let’s see if we can get some dirty ass motel for the night.”

“No.”

“Don’t start none o’ this bullshit with me, Delirious. I’m tired, they’re tired, and you’re tired too, don’t even think about denying it. Let’s go to bed and get some food tomorrow. The cart’s long gone, man.”

“No it’s not.” He turned, glaring at his friend, “We’ll find it.”

“I’m not tired. I’ll help,” Scootaloo said, walking up next to Delirious.

“Me too!” Sweetie Belle shouted happily, bouncing next to the stallion. “Miss Philharmonica can wait until next week!”

All three turned to Rainbow Dash, who was in the midst of flaring her wings to take off. She looked at them, as if she was a foal who had been caught trying to get into the cookie jar. She gave a seemingly blank look.

Remaining like this, the two parties attempted a stare-off. Rainbow relented, folding her wings by her sides. She sighed, “Alright. Fine.”

“Yay!” Scootaloo called, rushing to the mare and giving her a hug. “Don’t worry Rainbow Dash! We’ll make sure to find it in ten seconds flat!”

Rainbow gave a snort of approval, smiling at the filly. “Good to hear, Squirt.” She joined the three, making it four. They all gave each other sly grins, and finally gazed at Vanoss as one, swift as a hungry vulture.

He gave a bored expression, rolling his eyes underneath his aviators.

“No.”

“Oh come on, Vanoss. Don’t be a di- don’t be a douche.”

He looked up at Rainbow Dash, who flipped a lock out of her eyes and frowned at him, “Delirious isn’t going with you. You really wanna walk through town by yourself?”

“Well, yeah. Watch, I’m going right now.” He began to walk backwards, still making eye contact with the group as he did so. “See? Look, I’m leaving. I’m leav-” He suddenly felt something hit him in his behind. Spinning on his hooves, he found a small tree in his way. Giving a harumph, he quickly reached to his crotch, pulling a special carbine out.

Holding it in one hoof, he fired without warning, spraying wood chips everywhere and eventually emptying the clip into the tree’s midsection.

Creaking in the wind, it fell over.

He looked back at the group, their faces seemingly unimpressed at his freakout.

His tongue against his cheek, he regarded the fallen tree on his right and the small rock to his left for awhile.

He gave the most forced sigh that humanity had ever seen, holstered his carbine, and gave the sky to his east a very hard glare. His hooves almost five-thousand pounds against the dirt, he joined the group, plopping himself down on the ground with a grunt of acceptance.

The four cheered.

Rainbow turned to Delirious, “So, I hope you don’t mind if I lead this, since I know the town better than you-”

“Sure.”

“Alright, cool.” She scratched the back of her head, glimpsing at the rest of the town. “I guess we might as well head that way, toward the square.”

Delirious nodded, beginning to follow Rainbow as she flapped her wings and began to fly toward the town center. Looking behind him, he waved a hoof at Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, who gave him large grins in return and joined him.

Rainbow stopped, whirling around as the three passed underneath her. Frowning, she hovered toward Vanoss who still sat on the ground. Crossing her forelegs, she growled at him, catching his attention. “Get your ass up, come on now.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, horse.”

She smacked him softly, threatening him, “I ever tell you what my people did to Earth Ponies in the war?”

“What, fire guns? Send bears?”

She gave him a grin, “You can’t die, right?”

Vanoss’ eyes went wide, sunglasses flying off and onto the ground. “Why-”

Suddenly, he found himself being held by a pair of hooves. Shouting, he grit his teeth, attempting to shove the mare off him as they began to ascend, but to no avail.

“Holy shit, you’re a lot stronger than I thought you were!”

Rainbow only beamed at him, brow furrowed to impossibly scary levels.

On the ground, Delirious, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo continued to walk away, completely aware of what was happening behind them. Softly, Delirious said, “Don’t look, alright guys?”

“Why not? He’ll come back-”

“It’ll fuck you up if you look.”

“How do you even know what she’s doing?” Sweetie asked, increasing her pace to further the distance away from the scene.

He remained silent for awhile as they trotted past the dark houses and bright street-lanterns, before simply saying, “I just do." Suddenly, he stopped, confusing the two. Without a word, he adjusted the capes around their necks, previously furled by the night's winds. Getting up, he smiled underneath the mask. "Now c’mon. I don’t think the square’s too far off.”

“Okay,” was their response.

Behind them, Rainbow Dash and Vanoss finally reached two-hundred feet.

Author's Note

I can see Vanoss as being a complete dick when he's tired.

Also, despite shit in real life, I was able to publish this five days after the last. I have no idea how I managed this. I believe it to be mediocre, though. I'm sorry, guys.

We Da Bus

She rubbed her eyes softly, blinking as she surveyed the room around her. Giving a huge smile, she sighed, "Ahh, what a lovely morning!" Getting out of bed, she trotted toward a nearby window, lighting her horn and enveloping the curtains in a blue aura. Throwing them open, she grinned at the sunlight that peeked through the glass.

"What a day! Just perfect for designing!" Walking toward her door, she pushed it open and leaned her head out, "Sweetie Belle, are you awake?" Receiving no response, she asked again, "Sweetie Belle?"

As silence answered her, Rarity shrugged and ducked her head back into her room. A frown on her face, she straightened herself and cleared her throat. "No matter... I suppose I should work on my orders today." Suddenly, she stopped, a low growl emanating from her stomach. Her brow furrowed. "Or... I suppose I should get some breakfast. Hopefully nothing ends up ruined by the time morning is over. I believe Rainbow Dash is at work, so I guess that percentage is minimal."

She turned her head toward the window, expecting something to crash through it.

Nothing came.

Rolling her eyes, Rarity left her room and descended the staircase, her thoughts converging on one thing and one thing only: food. While she couldn't audibly announce it, she felt like she could eat more than twice a dozen pancakes.

And Rarity didn't even like pancakes.

Shaking her head, she turned and walked into her kitchen, her mind thinking to what she would eat for the morning. Surely she shouldn't make a massive meal; she still had orders to fill out, and she quite honestly didn't want to procrastinate on importance by eating her heart out. So, with a sigh and a slight frown, she lit her horn and tried to find the cabinet containing her Cheerilee-o's.

A light rapping on her door interrupted her. Ceasing her concentration, she hummed, looking through the wall and toward her front door. She continued her action for a brief second, wondering if the knocking was important. She surely wasn't expecting anypony to come by; she doubted that Miss Philharmonica would come a whole day early. Licking her lips, she decided to answer it.

Swinging the door open, she began to speak, "Ah! Hello there! Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is-"

"Rarity."

The mare opened her eyes, looking down and to the right toward the source.

Sweetie Belle stared up at her sister, a smile on her face.

"Oh... hello... Sweetie Belle. Are you okay?"

"Yeah Rarity! I'm okay!"

An awkward silence ensued. Sweetie Belle basically destroyed it with a laser-beam chainsaw.

"Would you mind getting me my sewing kit?"

Rarity blinked. "Why, whatever for, Sweetie Belle?"

Sweetie Belle stood like a statue, still gazing up into her sister's blue eyes, "I uh... Scootaloo tore her cape apart when we were going down a hill. It's not really pretty." Leaning her head to the side, she peered into the Boutique, "the sewing stuff is in my room-"

"Sweetie Belle, can you simply not get it yourself?"

The filly blinked, only needing to answer with an action, stepping aside to show her hooves. The mud completely caking them began to drip onto the front step. Sweetie squealed, suddenly being enveloped in a blue aura. Looking down, she watched as the small puddle instantly disappeared. She knew what was to come next.

In the blink of an eye, the mud on her hooves disappeared.

Sweetie found herself plopped back to the ground. Narrowing her eyes, she glared up at her sister, who smiled back at her devilishly.

"All better! Now," she trailed off, sweeping a hoof into the Boutique.

Thinking quickly, she added, "It's inside my closet!"

Rarity raised a brow.

"On the top shelf."

The mare sighed, still throwing a hoof toward the area behind her. Sweetie Belle gave a slight nod, stepping inside as Rarity turned tail and began to walk up the stairs. She stopped at the foot of the staircase, turning back to her sister, who suddenly dropped back into her prior position. Narrowing her eyes, Rarity pursed her lips, thought for a second, and retreated upstairs.

She disappeared from sight.

Sweetie Belle turned around, placing a hoof on the door as she leaned back out into the sun-kissed town. Looking to her left and right, she beckoned a hoof her way, whispering, "Coast is clear! Hurry up!" Holding the door open, she pressed herself against the wood as five ponies quickly scurried past her in a hushed silence. Walking inside at a jog, she watched as the group crept into the kitchen as one.

Looking left and right once more, Sweetie Belle trotted toward the entrance of the kitchen, poking her head in and watching her friends. Looking toward the cabinets, she found Delirious reaching up and opening one. His wings fluttering, he threw his hooves inside and began to scrummage through it. Biting her lip, she turned her head and listened for Rarity's arrival.

"Jesus Christ, who the hell doesn't have alcohol in their fucking house?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, striking a pose as she crossed her eyes, "Well, Ah'm just the most generous o' ponies! Ah can't possibly be carrying alcohol of all things! It's not lady-like!" She scrunched up her lips, struggling not to giggle. Sweetie, still standing in the doorway, was not impressed.

"You really think my sister talks like that." She spat it more like an answer to a question that was not even asked.

"Sweetie Belle!"

She turned her head, the rest of the kitchen's occupants stopping in their tracks as well. Sweat began to pour down her brow. "Uh, y-yeah sis?!"

"The sewing kit has been found!"

Sweetie Belle turned her head at the sound of Delirious cursing, "Oh shit." She waved a hoof toward the nearby window in a panic as Rarity continued, her voice getting more audible.

"I do hope you don't mind if I placed a few more materials in your bag, I couldn't possibly leave my designer sister with basic items! Now, off you go!" She called happily, stepping hoof on the landing and advancing toward her sister, "Would you like me to make you a quick lunch?" Rarity stood next to her, looking into the kitchen as she added, "and who were you talking to earlier? I swear, I heard somepony else in here..."

Sweetie thought quickly, "Sorry Rarity, just uh... trying out a disguise spell-"

"A disguise spell?" Rarity asked, walking into the room, her head still turned toward her sibling, "how have I not heard of this disguise spell? That would be remarkably useful, especially to Twilight- Sweetie Belle are you sure?"

Sweetie bit her lip softly, but nodded almost too quickly.

"Well, alright." The mare swept her head around the kitchen. "I suppose you want some lunch before you head back to your friends." She about-faced, walking toward a nearby cabinet. Reaching her hoof out, she opened it, stopped, and suddenly glanced back at her sister, "Wherever did you learn this spell?"

From Rarity's point of view, she could see her sister straighten up in the doorway innocently.

From Sweetie's point of view, all hell was about to break loose. Inside the cabinet Rarity had just opened, a blue Pegasus was inching away from the hoof still grasping the open door, his mask frowning at it and completely betraying his obvious panic. Rarity didn't notice him.

"Sweetie Belle, what would you like me to make for you? I suppose it shall be rather quick, seeing as how I know you have many adventures to pursue today. Would you like some Cheerilee-o's?" Slowly, she began to dip her head to look inside the open cabinet, "I believe there are some inside of here-"

"No!"

The mare's head snapped up. Turning left, she gave her sister an odd look.

"I mean, uh," she smiled awkwardly, "I'd... rather have some eggs if you don't mind."

Rarity grinned, lighting her horn and magicking the cabinet by her closed, engulfing the one next to her in a blue aura. Sweetie Belle sucked in her lips, watching as Apple Bloom gazed at her, wide-eyed and unblinking. Sweetie Belle's eyes darted up, watching as Rarity felt around for the frying pan with her magic. Humming, she began to mumble, "Now just where is that pan?"

Apple Bloom scrambled about, finding the required skillet and placing it in front of her body. Rarity, frustrated, looked inside at that exact moment, and found nothing but the saucepan staring her in the face. Rolling her eyes, she poked her head back out and levitated it next to her. "Ah! There it is!" Blue eyes glimpsing toward the doorway, she asked, "So! Scrambled or fried-"

"Actually, uh, sis?"

Rarity pursed her lips, "Yes Sweetie Belle?"

"I think I'm not hungry anymore."

The mare frowned. "Are you sure."

"Yes."

The two stared silently at each other in a suspicious stalemate. Sweetie Belle broke the silence.

"Don't you have some orders to fill out-"

"Oh! That's right! Thank you Sweetie Belle," Rarity sang, face brightening, "Alright, I'll be seeing you in a couple of hours." Turning tail, she began to walk out and approach the staircase, but stopped on the landing as she glanced back at her sister. Sweetie gave her a side glance, uncomfortable. Rarity, despite, smiled and retreated upstairs.

Left in the kitchen, Sweetie Belle let out a long breath she didn't realize she was harboring prior. At the sound of her sighing, the cabinets and depositories in the kitchen swung outward, letting their unusual cargo slide out and onto the floor in a crumpled heap. As the Unicorn filly turned around to face her friends, Delirious scrambled to his hooves, breathing heavily.

"That was fuckin' bullshit, man..."

"Ah swear, Ah thought she woulda seen me then-"

"What you did was so awesome though, Bloom!" Scootaloo cheered as she walked over to the Pegasus mare next to her. Shaking her body, her completely intact cape rustled in the air. "Isn't that right, Rainbow Dash?"

The Pegasus grinned, tussling the filly's hair, "You're gosh-darned right, Scootaloo," she beamed, ignoring the small giggle behind her, "now let's find that booze and blow this popsicle stand."

"Already got it," Vanoss said, pulling a rather sizable bottle out of his stomach, "hard to believe your fancy-ass sister has a bottle of cider around here..."

"That's probably my, uh, Dad's," Sweetie Belle admitted with a clench on her lips.

"Well," Rainbow started, walking over to Vanoss with a grin, "he's got some pretty good taste." Snatching the bottle from Vanoss' hooves, Rainbow looked it over and gave a sly expression, looking at Vanoss, his eyes shaded by his aviators. "You sure this'll do?"

Vanoss pursed his lips, "Hmm, I'm not quite sure. I feel like... I feel like I was, I dunno, dropped on my head at an early age-"

"Shut up you big baby. Get over it."

"You do know we still feel pain when we die, right?"

"Doesn't really matter. Any kinda alcohol works," Delirious kindly answered, ignoring the two's fighting. "Now can we get the hell out of here? I don't think I'd wanna just be fuckin' jerkin' off when Rarity comes back down."

"Yeah, let's ditch," Rainbow said, tossing the bottle back to Vanoss and flaring her wings.

Nodding, the rest followed the mare as she trotted toward the nearby window, settling onto her hind hooves and beginning to open the sill. Sweetie Belle stepped forward, "What the hay are you doing? There's a front door, you know-"

"I know," Rainbow said, throwing the window open. Casting her sights behind her, she gave a giggle and grinned, "that's not the cool way, though."

Sweetie rolled her eyes as she watched the five scuttle out through the window, landing on the outside lawn. Casting a glance behind her, she made sure that Rarity was nowhere to be seen and joined them, the small bag of sewing materials lying forgotten on the floor.

Squirming through, she dropped to the grass below and landed, wiping her body from the dust of the windowsill. Looking back up, Sweetie gazed at the group, all currently busy congratulating each other and giving high-hooves. Walking up to them, Sweetie gave a sigh to no notice. Frowning, she held in her breath for a brief second, waited, and breathed out again. This caught the group's attention, and they turned to look at her oddly.

"You alright?" Scootaloo asked, brow raised.

"I'm fine, Scootaloo." Shuffling a little on the floor, Sweetie Belle looked up at Delirious, asking, "So what's with the bottle?"

He only grinned underneath the mask and said simply, "You'll see," pulling out a small cloth.

The six watched in utter silence, observing the scene before them.

Beyond them, the large tree burned brightly in the sunlight.

Nestled in the top branches was an equally large beehive, crisped and black thanks to the molotov cocktail currently in pieces by the darkened and burnt grass. The fire crackling loudly, the six continued to regard the tree. Suddenly, without a single warning, the branch holding the beehive collapsed, tumbling to the ground and smashing the hive in less than a second with a loud thump.

The timber continued to melt.

"Well that sure wasn't worth it," Sweetie Belle stated matter-of-factly, a blank expression on her face.

Delirious walked up calmly to the forestry, collecting the small object on the ground by the destroyed beehive. Raising it to eye level, he took a second to wipe the char off with a hoof, revealing the wooden and metal exterior of his hammer. Suddenly, a loud buzzing met his ears. As the other five backed off slightly, Delirious readied the weapon, holding it high and ready to strike the colony with a single word of anger.

Out of the crumpled mess came a single bee, buzzing in a high-pitched manner and derping in the air, right wing slightly off from its colony's impact with the forsaken ground. Turning right, it attempted to fly off toward a nearby patch of tulips to work for the day, seemingly unfazed by its home's destruction.

The bee then found its mission impossible, as its guts, skin, and entire body were crushed by the head of a hammer, flattening it in the side of the tree, spilling its innards and blood onto the yet untouched bark.

Delirious harumphed, wiping the hammer's head as he sneered, "Pesky bee."

"So, what's next?" Rainbow asked as he walked back to the others.

"Shit I dunno. Look for Applejack's cart, I guess-"

"Well, what were we doin' just now then?" Apple Bloom asked, brow raised, "time better spent lookin' fer the darned thing."

Vanoss grinned, chuckling, "Hey, I had my lunch break."

"We all did!" Apple Bloom shouted, throwing her hooves up in anger.

"Well, just because you're fat doesn't mean you're not the only one who's always hungry, Apple Bloom."

Apple Bloom growled, eyeing Scootaloo up furiously.

"Shut up, chicken."

"Hey you take that back-"

"Make me."

Rainbow Dash intervened, throwing her hooves out spread eagle as she hovered in the air, looking at the two as she pressed her hooves into their chests. She chuckled nervously, "Allllllright you two. Let's not go up into arms now." The two backed off without another word, continuing their glares, "'sides, we've still got a cart to find."

Apple Bloom growled down in her throat somewhere.

Delirious whistled at the impressing sound, giving a likewise look that would make a certain President paranoid about doppelgangers.

Hovering away, Rainbow watched for a second to assure that the two wouldn't go at it, and 180'd when she realized that they wouldn't. Scratching her head, she looked down at Ponyville from the large hilltop they were sitting on. Realizing how high they were, Rainbow let out a loud whistle, mimicking Delirious' as she fluttered toward the edge, looking out at the town she loved.

From where she was lingering, she could see the entire town, Celestia's sun still beating down on it with all its might and casting long shadows across backsides shunned by the celestial light. Smiling, she took a second to look at it before hearing a coughing behind her. Turning back, she found Vanoss, aviators over his eyes.

"What's up, Vanoss?" She asked, tucking her wings in and landing on the floor.

"Nothin'. I'm just fucking tired to be honest."

He joined her, looking at the town and taking it in as well.

"Damn..."

"What?" She asked, looking over.

"Damn good view."

Rainbow blushed, flailing a hoof as she chuckled, "Th-thanks-"

"I was talking about the town. You know, the town in front of us?"

Rainbow's face fell, "Oh. Whatever." Looking back at the sight, she gave a shrug and added, "Sure."

"Where the hell did you find this place anyway?" Leaning forward, Vanoss looked toward the admittedly steep slope of the hill, then came back and looked at Rainbow, "pretty big hill if you ask me."

"Eh. Not really a hill, but not really a mountain either. I saw my friend Noteworthy around here a year ago. Spent some long-ass time just being some Mopey Molly up here. Things are good for him, so I took it, and... well..." her voice trailed off as she turned, finding Delirious, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo playing with what appeared to be a large red rock. Deciding it was harmless, she looked at what was previously a tree and grimaced, "tree's kinda fucked... now..."

"Huh, didn't know you cussed."

"I don't like to do it around the Squirt. Bad influence and shit, y'know? Plus her mom would kill me if she came back and Scootaloo was swearing like a stallion."

"I'll have you know we men are very generous when it comes to cursing."

"Are you fuckin' serious man?! ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?!"

"Haha, eat my dirt Delirious!"

There was a very, very painful sounding bout of wheezing, and then he replied, whimpering.

"Oh... I hate dirt..."

Rainbow looked back at Vanoss, a sly grin on her face.

He only gave her a blank look, pulling his glasses back onto the top of his head. "Shut up."

"Don't tell me what to do," she snipped, looking back at the town.

All was calm as the two ponies watched the sun reach its peak point, settling over the top of the sky as it cast its bright glow directly onto the marketplace. Pointing a hoof, she watched Vanoss look in the corner of her eyes and said, "See there? That's why the market place is so popular. Sun's just perfect for everything, and ponies can even grow crops so they can sell 'em fresh out of the dirt- oh shit the marketplace." Looking back at the tree, she found Delirious about ready to take a small black part off his red rock. Throwing a hoof into her mouth, she whistled and beckoned him toward her, calling, "Delirious! Let's go!"

"Where the fuck we goin'?!"

Rainbow gave a smirk and pointed toward the sky. "Eagle eye."

Delirious gave her a confused look.

"We're finding that cart."

Delirious pumped a hoof in the air, flaring his wings, only stopping as an orange filly trotted up next to him happily, "Hey, can I come too?"

"I-"

"Squirt, I want you to stay here, alright?"

Her face fell, "Aww... okay... you sure, Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow sucked on her teeth, but suddenly gave an Aha expression, the corners of her mouth rising, "Nah Squirt, I need you to stay here with Vanoss and Sweetie Belle."

Vanoss piped up, pointing a hoof to himself, "You're leaving me in charge of them?"

"No," Rainbow said, rolling her eyes, "I'm leaving them in charge of you."

The Earth Pony gave a blank look, sighing, "Fuck you."

"Never," she said, waving a hoof at Delirious, "c'mon now. Let's go find a cumulus. We'll get a good view from there."

He nodded, bringing his wings out and chuckling. Rainbow gave a quick salute to Scootaloo, then crouched low, grinned mischievously, and suddenly took off, kicking up a trail of dust and dirt in her wake. Looking back at the Pegasus filly, Delirious remarked, "Shit she's fast."

Scootaloo raised her eyebrows, giving him a look that basically screamed no shit dumbass.

Breathing in a breath of fresh air and expelling it, he looked up and took off as well, leaving the three behind on the lone hill to sit and think.

As the dust settled, Vanoss looked over to the two fillies and asked, "You guys know what fences can do?"

Up high, Rainbow Dash and Delirious landed upon a cloud, fluttering their wings and finally placing them by their sides. Walking over to the edge, Rainbow explained, "Well, I guess a strato-cumulus has gotta do. Alto-cumulus might be a bit too high for us to see the market..."

"Sure," Delirious spoke, not having a single ounce of cloud knowledge in his brain.

"You have no idea what I just said, did you."

Delirious giggled, "Fuck no."

Rainbow rolled her eyes, leaning toward him, "What kinda school did you go to? They teach Pegasi which cloud is which in, like, Kinderskyden."

"I didn't go to no horse school-"

She interrupted him with a hoof in the air. As he stopped, she lowered the appendage and let it drop back onto the cloud. Tilting her head, she looked to the sky above them and ordered, "Gimme your sniper thing."

"Why?"

She looked at him.

He had already gotten it out before she asked him.

The two had a stare-off, neither moving an inch almost four-thousand feet in the air. Suddenly, Delirious felt his nose crinkle. Looking at it, he shut his eyes, braced himself, and sneezed.

Rainbow lurched, grabbing the rifle from his hooves and pushing him back as he attempted to snatch it from her clutches. He stopped in his tracks as she brought it to eye level, cocking the bolt back and aiming it at him.

"Back off, D," she said, giving him a careful glance.

"You don't know how ta use that thing."

"Yeah, I-"

"You don't know how ta use that thing."

"Shut up-"

"You don't know how ta-"

FTT

"Fuck!" He yelled, falling onto the cloud as he gripped his flank. Looking up at her, he groaned, "Okay you know how to use that thing." Taking a minute to clench his wound, he was able to miss Rainbow Dash fumbling with the sniper rifle's bolt action, almost dropping it to the dirt thousands of feet below them. Scrambling with it, she was able to hold it in the same position she had it in earlier as Delirious looked back up at her, "you fuckin' shot me in the ass!"

"I did," Rainbow answered simply, turning the weapon over and glaring at the scope. Reaching for it, she moved it slightly from left to right to test its durability, hummed, and promptly tore it off, much to the chagrin of Delirious, who called for it.

"Noooooo!" He began to fake-cry, throwing his head onto the cloud, his voice now muffled, "my sniper scope.... it was my only friend and you killed it..."

"Get over it you big baby," Rainbow replied to the face-down stallion, turning tail and trotting to the edge of the cloud. Raising the scope to her right eye, she glared at the marketplace, her mind fully intent on finding the cart for real this time. Distracted by her mission, she didn't notice Delirious struggling to get up.

Attempting to get on his four hooves, the appendages shook, and he fell back to the floor. Glancing back at his flank, he saw the bullet wound still bleeding. Pouting his lower lip out, he reached for his crotch and pulled out an Egochaser, beginning to munch on it, face unchanged. Scarfing it down, he swallowed the mass, looked at the now-healing bullet wound, and got up, walking over to Rainbow Dash.

Giving a casual look, he peered over the edge and stared at the marketplace as well.

"See anythin'?"

"Nope. Not a thing," Rainbow answered, still glimpsing through the scope.

Delirious looked down at his stomach, reached toward his crotch, and found his marksman rifle. Aiming it, he joined Rainbow Dash in scoping out the town for Applejack's lost cart.

There was a short time before Delirious broke the odd silence with a question.

"....do you hear that shit?"

"Hear what?" Rainbow asked, lowering the scope and looking at him.

He glared, "Was that you? Stop makin' those fuckin' noises."

"What noises?"

"You're singing that stupid song that Vanoss sings. Did he teach you it?! Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not doing shit, Delirious."

"Well if you're not, then who..." his voice trailed off.

His eyes grew wide.

He lowered his marksman rifle and, if he were wearing pants, promptly shat his pants.

There, in the distance, it came.

"Badoop-a-doop banana bus! Badoop-a-doop banana bus!"

Delirious didn't need to look.

He didn't need to blink.

Only Rainbow Dash remained to be promptly frightened by the sound of a large object rushing past, directly behind them. Rainbow, mouth wide with fear, leaned over the strato-cumulus, watching as a large green and yellow bus plummeted toward Ponyville end-over-end, only a single occupant inside and sitting in the driver's seat.

A pink pig, with a white helmet strapped to his head.

"BADOOP-A-DOOP BANANA BUS!"

BOOM

The bus finally crashed into a grassy field below them, smoke, fire, dust and dirt flying everywhere around it, completely shrouding the vehicle in its flow.

Rainbow, mouth wide, slowly about-faced, looking at Delirious, who gave her a likewise expression.

Finally, Delirious spoke.

"Shit."

Author's Note

Well, after this "mega-chapter", I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus. I hope you all don't mind, I'm taking some time off to do something. My bio explains it; I'd rather not do it here. :applejackunsure: Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! I'll be back soon, I'll still get on from time to time to check comments out, but I won't be doing anything else! Thank you all for the support, and here's to our newest addition! Can't wait to see how he plays out! :heart:

Didn't expect that shit, didja? :ajsmug:

Fifty Calibre

The day was hot, the clouds hanging high in the sky drifting lazily about as if they hadn't a care in the world. The Earth below them felt a dawning hint of rainfall thanks to the mass of vapor in the air, and the furry occupants prepared for it, heading to their respective homes to protect themselves from the coming downfall.

But there was one resident who was not.

There was one who continued onward, unafraid of the rain.

His vehicle sped through the land, kicking up dust and dirt in its wake as it rocked back and forth from the uneven ground.

Its red paint shimmered in the sun, gleaming as if the car itself was considered holy. And, seeing as who he was, it might as well have been. The roar of the engine soothed him, and he swore he could just spend his life travelling along aimlessly.

But, he was not doing so. He had a mission to do. He had something to find.

He wasn't afraid of the rain; he had seen a lot worse in his time here.

Thinking about the weather, his jaw went slack and he clenched it, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel. Narrowing his eyes, he looked up, hummed, and fixed his rear-view mirror to face the area behind him. Seeing the two vehicles, he stared back forward at the road ahead of him. He could deal with the duo easily. Piece of cake.

His Comet kept its speed, rocketing across the field with enough burnt rubber to make a tire hoarder gasp in shock. Gritting his teeth, he took a small jump, the front end of the sports car dipping before the wheels met the ground as well, causing the occupant inside to groan at the motion. Looking ahead, he saw that the road continued with no obstacles in his path. Thinking, he nodded to nobody but himself and craned his neck, looking in the side-view mirror to his left.

Two super cars kept chase, their black paint jobs reflecting the sun and the dead area around them. An impressive job, he had to admit, if the colors weren't so basic and edgy. The one he worked out to be on the left was of red and black, with the other being green and black. The car model? He had dealt with them. A lot of them.

Zentorno's.

He adjusted his grip yet again, wondering exactly how to deal with them in the coolest way possible.

He thought, sat, and lessened his push on the gas pedal, slowing down just gradually enough to make it seem like the super cars were speeding up and gaining on him. He could just imagine them laughing to each other that they'd be able to finally take the one and only legend down.

He licked his lips subconsciously.

No one could take the legend down.

Looking to his left, he watched the red and black Zentorno reach his back bumper. Not seeing the other car, he realized it was on his right side.

He chuckled.

Bastards were trying to pull a Mad Max on him.

Narrowing his eyes, he looked to the east and west, and saw the Zentorno's pull up alongside him, their black windows covering up any way of seeing the drivers inside, dust covering the cars' bodies, credited to the location of their pursuit. He stared forward, anticipating what they would do next, with many minutes passing as the three traveled down the road, the only sound being of the aggressive engines housed inside their vehicles.

He tensed.

And suddenly, two very synchronized songs played out, shattering his ear drums and annoying him beyond all fucking belief, courtesy of the Zentorno's horns next to him on both sides.

Gritting his teeth, his eyes narrowed to very dangerous levels. That was the last fucking straw.

He reached toward his crotch, fishing for what he needed. Giving a grin, he pulled it out and rolled his windows up, hoping they wouldn't notice what he was about to do. Chuckling, he lightly tossed the object and looked for the primer. Finding it, he pressed it quickly and hummed, settling it back down on his lap. Reaching toward the dashboard, he retrieved the small black lighter and brought it toward his face. Swiftly, he lit it, raising it to his lips and setting the large cigar ablaze.

Puffing, he gave a shit-eating grin, grabbed the object in his lap, and felt for the window. He nodded, held in all his strength, and promptly shoved his arm into the window, shattering it and sending the bits and pieces into the sand, only for it to disappear into the sand and dust kicking up behind them. Looking at the red and black Zentorno, he raised his arm outside, showing the driver his prize. The driver seemed to notice it, the engine beginning to falter as he fumbled for the brake.

He was having none of that, and with a single toss, chucked the sticky bomb a foot away and stuck it onto the right door of the Zentorno. Moving back fully into his Comet, he gripped the steering wheel, pushed down onto the gas pedal, and veered left, slamming into the front tire with his back right, effectively sending the super car spinning. He grinned, knowing that the car had now been left in the dust, and pressed the detonator, hearing the explosion now several yards away.

Done with one, he looked to his right, expecting the driver to still be driving alongside him.

He was doing just that, as expected, but he wasn't doing just that.

A leather jacket-clad arm was reaching out, the occupant inside giving him a demonic glare as he aimed a sawed-off shotgun at him. He knew what was about to come, and ducked as the shells exploded his right window, missing him by a hair. Getting up, he let go of the gas pedal, slowed down, and shoved his weight back into it, turning right to tail the black and green Zentorno.

Leaning every which way, he looked for an opening: something he could manipulate to take the super car down. He knew full well that the back was completely impenetrable thanks to the lack of a rear window, and there was no way to take the driver out from behind. Seeing none, save for a black and yellow license plate that read SWAG420 and a Batman-like spoiler protruding from the rear end, he licked his lips and hummed, maintaining his grip on the wheel as he reached toward his crotch, looking for another sticky bomb.

He frowned as he found none, and let his arm fall limp on the seat, sighing.

The Zentorno honked yet again, a loud rendition of a sad trombone piercing his eardrums. Gritting his teeth, he shook his head, attempting to dispel the horrible sound. Growling, he suddenly had an idea.

His Comet veered left as he began to gain on the Zentorno. Pulling up alongside it, he watched as the driver gave him a rather rude gesture. Laughing, he puffed on the cigar, eyeing the super car up like a car enthusiast obsessed with its build. His eyes landed on the rear left tire. He hummed, wondering how inept the driver was and if what he was about to do would actually work. Letting out a huge breath, he decided to go for it.

People like this wouldn't be all too smart anyhow.

Tapping the steering wheel, he hummed yet again, stayed his path, and reached for his crotch, finding his AP pistol. Keeping it out of his opponent's eyesight, he threw his weight into the wheel, shooting it to the right and into the Zentorno's side. The black and green car swerved slightly, caught by surprise by the offensive act, almost tumbling off the road before it began its own attack.

This was exactly what he wanted.

The Zentorno came fast, expecting to toss his poor little Comet around like a tinker toy in the dust.

Instead, the Comet slowed down just so slightly, and an AP pistol poked out of the right window. For a brief split-second, it aimed, and finally fired a volley into the rear left tire. The tire exploded in a shower of sparks and fumes, and the Zentorno began to spin out of control. Thinking quickly, he tossed the automatic pistol into the passenger seat and reached toward his privates again. Grinning ear-to-ear, he brought out his next weapon, the world suddenly slowing down around him.

The Zentorno, now twirling on its front wheels, slid in front of him in the beginning of a circular motion, the front bumpers of the two cars barely missing each other by mere inches. Ahead of him, the Zentorno's driver gave him a surprised look, eyes wide with shock and fright. Puffing out a swirl of smoke, he brought his weapon out, taking aim at the douche's face. As the super car finally became parallel with his Comet, he fired, the bright pink flare blasting through his windshield, shattering it on impact and into his opponent's, whose windshield became completely obliterated.

The flare reached its mark.

And the driver inside burst into flames as the world came to, the super car sliding away as the red Comet flew past, kicking up dust and sand into the Zentorno's path. The Comet's driver threw his hoof into the stick, swerved left, and drifted, before he returned the stick to its prior location and sped toward where he assumed the black and green Zentorno to be.

As the dust settled, he watched as the car appeared, now completely ablaze. Grinning, he pushed into the gas pedal for the final time, booping the back bumper and giving the Zentorno a boost. Stopping his car, he let the dust blow away around him as the super car drifted violently to the left a couple feet away. Pressing the button beside him, he quickly exited his Comet, watching as the Zentorno's left door flew open, the occupant inside now completely on fire, screaming bloody murder as he stumbled about like a decapitated chicken.

Quietly, so as to not disturb the wonderful sight, he got out his pump shotgun, cocking the fore end in anticipation.

His burning opponent tumbled toward him, yelling something he couldn't quite understand through the rather loud sound of the flames bursting across his body. They reached a couple feet from him, and he simply raised his shotgun up with one hoof, took aim, and fired a shell into his skull, sending his blazing body to the ground in a heap.

Lowering the firearm, he cocked it again, watching as the spent shell flew out the side and onto the ground by him. Walking up to the dead corpse, he casually picked up the wad of cash from the ground, shoving it into his stomach. He suddenly stopped as he noticed something else on the body, nestled within his leather jacket pocket. Brow raised in curiosity, he picked it up, unfurling it. Staring down at the previously folded paper, he rolled his eyes at what he saw, and placed it next to his money. Looking toward the Zentorno, he caught the sight of its exterior starting to catch fire. Thinking quickly, he sprinted toward the rear end, taking out a hammer as he knelt by the rear bumper. Raising the weapon, he threw it into the license plate, knocking it into the ground. Collecting it, he stuffed it too into his stomach, walking away and not daring to look back.

He reached the driver side of his Comet as the super car behind him exploded, bits and pieces flying high into the sky and landing near him, shattering and sliding as he attempted to wipe his brow, only stopping as he realized his predicament.

Sweeping his sight around the area, he gazed up at the beating sun, wondering why he was sitting in the middle of a desert with a heavy monkey mask on. Sighing, he puffed on his cigar, taking one last look at the body on the ground before it disappeared from sight. Nodding and smiling, he stepped on the gas pedal, his Comet speeding away from the scene in a dust cloud.

As he continued on his way, he leaned to his right, reaching for his iFruit phone and taking it out. Pressing down on the bottom right app, he pulled up Trackify, watching as the dot began blinking in the direction he was going. Watching it awhile, he quietly placed it on the dash, keeping it in sight as he pressed against the gas pedal even more.

Sighing, he attempted to try his hardest to not remember the sheet of paper he had found on his opponent's body, knowing full well what it would bring to him. Only thinking about not remembering it made him remember it more, and with one final growl - more to himself than anything else - he reached for it, unfolded it, and threw it in the passenger seat.

He didn't bother reading it. But a quick, involuntary glance to the side told him everything.

A picture of a stallion glared at the camera from underneath the large print at the top, a sign held out in front of him displaying his information, obvious anger and fury evident in his narrowed eyes that showed full well just how much he desired to not be there. The individual in question was a Pegasus though hard to see, with blue fur and a black, unkempt mane. Most notable was a slightly timeworn white and red mask strapped to his face, hiding the wearer's true intentions. All in all, he looked like someone to not be trifled with, lest death be the victim's only intention.

Below, it read:

BOUNTY: H2O DELIRIOUS
WANTED FOR MURDER, THEFT, AND ARSON
REWARD FOR CAPTURE: 9,000 BITS
DEAD OR ALIVE, PREFERABLY FLAYED AND SALTED
LAST SEEN IN PONYVILLE, EQ
DELIVER TO APPLEOOSA'S SHERIFF SILVERSTAR

He shook his head subconsciously, knowing full well who it was and what he had probably done. He had to admit, he was at least surprised it didn't involve hookers. It always involved hookers.

And so, for seemingly the umpteenth time in his life, Lui Calibre rolled his eyes in annoyance and shifted gears, hoping to make it out of the desert as soon as possible and clear as much ground from the soon-to-respawn assholes he had just murdered. He had a friend to find.

But, more importantly, he had a bounty to claim.

He smirked, puffed on his cigar, and accelerated, the Comet speeding through the Badlands as if it were the only thing alive among the wildlife, cacti, and RV-driving meth cooks.

Author's Note

I guess one more chapter couldn't hurt. Kind of unfair to just leave you guys without a proper goodbye anyway. So, yeah, I'm leaving for a bit. Sorry. :ajsleepy:

A glimpse to the future, maybe? Or perhaps a past experience...

Busy Earnin'

“Oh no…”

“Oh my Faust…”

“I hope no one was inside of there…”

“What is that thing?”

The townsfolk advanced upon the burning wreckage, looks of both worry and fear etched on their faces. They came slowly, very cautious and mindful of what the remains could bring from within them. Forming a half-circle around what they assumed to be its underside, they watched in silence, leaning this way and that to try to get a better view of the occupants.

As the fire continued to roar, the crowd continued to stare into the burning wreck, wondering if anyone had actually survived the absolutely devastating crash. Whatever it was, there was no way it was functional any longer. The bright yellow and green paint was completely darkened, the apparent rear end having unleashed a volley of clear liquid. Though the crowd believed it was water, the smell helped them know better.

The entire left side was caved in, as if a higher figure had taken out their frustration with a mallet the size of a house. The windows lining the body were completely destroyed, shards of glass littering the floor around it.

A loud, looping sound began to play, and the ponies realized quickly what it was. Stepping back, they watched as the gasoline touched a single flame, ignited, and blew up, absolutely demolishing the rear end of the machine, kicking it out of the dirt and overturning it on the previously grassy field.

As they screamed in fright, another loud sound came immediately after: the sound of metal bars shifting and groaning in response. Their eyes darted to the side nearest the front, to the surprisingly un-destroyed window that prior protected the machine’s pilot.

It did, after all, fall from the sky.

A shadow passed by it, seemingly immense and muscular in size. The townfolk stepped back further, not wanting to mess with whatever beast was inside.

A few Unicorns lit their horns, preparing to fend it off.

The machine’s insides rustled loudly, echoing through the area and giving the ponies a dawning sense of dread.

And suddenly, a small pink form rolled out of the interior, landing on its rump and looking up at them innocently. Raising its forelegs, it oinked cutely, waving its hooves as if to get their attention. Watching, the townsfolk broke down, d’awwing in response at the helmeted pig on the floor.

It continued to oink, and the ponies continued to swoon over it.

As if bipolar and deranged, it reached for its side and pulled out a sizable item, easily three quarters the size of its body. Waving it at them, he suddenly spoke in an opposing tone, “Alright, put yer fuckin’ hands up! This is a robbery!”

The Ponyvillians raised their hooves, unexpectedly shaking in fear.

“Put your money on the fuckin’ ground, I don’t wanna see any cop-outs.”

A large pile of bits fell to the floor, clattering on the rocks and dirt by their hooves. The pig smiled, and aimed the item more steadily at a light green mare, who grit her teeth and shivered. “You!” He pointed, “C’mere and pick this shit up! All of it, don’t miss a single penny!”

The mare complied, grabbing the bits and holding them against her chest hurriedly.

“Hurry the fuck up! You’re wasting daylight here!”

“Sorry, sorry!”

As the mare dropped the collection in front of him, he nodded, commenting, “Yeah you fuckin’ better be…” Looking at the ground by his hooves, he counted the pile in his head, still aiming his Sweeper at the crowd. His head perked back up, and he shouted, “Okay! Good! Now, if you all wanna get home, you’re gonna wanna listen to me!”

The ponies nodded.

“Good shit! Alright, first, I want you to nod your heads again.”

They did so.

The pig laughed, “This is fucking gold okay uh, next! Um… look at the guy to your left and tell them they’re stupid.”

Though confused and admittedly unwilling to do so, they complied.

The pig smiled, still aiming his Sweeper by his side, “Alright now, say it with me! Badoop-a-doop Buh-nana OH!”

The pig fell to the floor, the pile of bits falling back to the ground next to him. Keeling, he held his back, wheezing, “Ah, what the fuck?” He turned over, reaching toward his crotch and taking out his combat pistol, intending to shoot whoever had just hit him.

His green eyes widened.

The blue Pegasus stared at him in silence, the butt of his assault rifle aimed his way. His tail swished idly, and the white mask frowned heavily.

“Sit the fuck down.”

“Holy shit, Delirious?”

Delirious responded simply, fumbling with his rifle and aiming it at the pig’s head, glaring as he said casually, “That’s right motherfucker. Give them back their money. Now.”

“What? Why the hell would I do that?”

The Pegasus loaded his assault rifle, poking the barrel into the pig’s helmeted skull. “I could just kick your ass and make you. Not sure if you know, but just because we respawn doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain or nothin’. I know for a fuckin’ fact I can take a pig-”

“Bullshit. You couldn’t take a monkey, Delirious.”

Delirious raised an eyebrow to the sky, raising the rifle’s iron sights to his eyes, “Vanoss should be here any minute.”

“Evan’s here too?”

Suddenly, as if on cue, a shout began to erupt from the area beyond town. The pig looked behind them, and watched as a black figure flew toward them from a large hill in a ragdoll-like manner. As his yelling grew closer and closer, a red Earth Pony could be made out as the source, and swiftly, it made its descent, crashing into the ground and sending the Pony rolling in the air. Throwing its hind legs out, it stuck the landing, placing the glasses atop its head over its eyes as it pulled out a carbine.

It aimed for a brief second before it looked over at Delirious, brow raised, “Why the fuck are you about to kill a pig?”

Delirious rolled his eyes, still taking aim at the farm animal’s head. “Seriously?” He pointed toward the white open-face helmet sitting atop his skull, “Are you fucking stupid or something?”

Vanoss shook his head, grinning, “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Delirious growled, “He’s a pig! Who else do we know has a pig as his-”

“Nogla?”

Blue eyes rolled, “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Geez Delirious, are you okay? Need some water? You might be a bit-”

The Pegasus shifted his aim from the pig and to Vanoss, snarling, “Don’t. You. FUCKING. Say it.”

Vanoss lowered his carbine, barely containing his laughter, “You might be a bit-”

He was interrupted abruptly as a pink blur flew past him, tackling Delirious to the ground and sending his assault rifle flying into the air. The pig beat down on Delirious, who raised his hooves over his eyes and shouted, “Goddammit Vanoss! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!”

“No,” was the Canadian’s response as he watched the pig whip out a nightstick, commenting, “What’s with the dildo Wildcat- oof!” The stick flew into his gut, knocking him to the ground wheezing in pain. Getting up off the ground, the swine threw Delirious into Vanoss, knocking both of them to the ground in a heap.

Smirking, he grabbed the falling carbine from midair, gripped it in one hoof, and fired a volley into the pile, successfully landing his hits on Delirious, who had fallen on top of his friend involuntarily. As he shouted in response, the pig gave a kick to the Pegasus’ body, sending him to lie on his front by Vanoss, who became aware of a rifle butt headed his way.

Bashing the Canadian’s head with the rifle, Wildcat saw Delirious get up in the corners of his eyes. He approached, and Wildcat threw his attention of the butt into Delirious, sending him spiraling away in a daze. What he was not prepared for was Vanoss grabbing him from behind, and as he squirmed, he watched Delirious approach with a smirk, brandishing a baseball bat.

Delirious stopped less than a foot away, raising the weapon. Thinking quickly, Wildcat bit into Vanoss’ foreleg as the Pegasus swung, plopping onto the ground unharmed and unable to witness the damage that had been done above. Eyes widening, he scrambled out of the way as Vanoss’ body fell toward the dirt. Rolling, he grabbed hold of the Earth Pony’s head with both hooves, grit his teeth, and threw him into Delirious’ crotch.

The world exploded with a squeal of pain.

Grinning, Wildcat sidestepped, allowing both bodies to fall to the ground in sync. Delirious’ body disappeared, leaving Vanoss as the sole survivor, who lay on the floor, grabbing his head and wincing. Stalking toward him, Wildcat laughed, “Wow, fuck you guys. Can’t even fight a small piggy?”

Vanoss looked up at him, grinning through his pain.

Wildcat cursed under his breath, and promptly fell to the floor as a baseball bat made contact with the side of his helmeted head. Rolling in the dirt, he saw the duo approach, weapons in hoof. Reaching toward his crotch, the pig pulled out his pump shotgun, taking aim at Delirious, who eeped in fear and threw his friend in front of him, who took the explosive blow to the head, cursing the Pegasus all the while.

Not wanting the body to disappear just yet, Delirious threw the corpse onto Wildcat, who struggled to throw it off due to his small stature. Finally succeeding, he was met with a combat pistol to his head. Rolling his eyes and sighing, Wildcat began, “You gonna shoot an innocent pig? C’mon Delirious, that’s fucked up even for you-”

He fired without a word.

Unsuccessfully, of course, thanks to Wildcat’s helmet, which deflected the bullet and sent it flying back at Delirious. The shrapnel careened toward his mask, and as he attempted to duck subconsciously, he felt it tear away at something. Feeling for where it had hit, he realized it had taken a small chunk out of the bottom left side of his mask. Mouth wide, he looked at Wildcat, about to ask, “What the fuck?!” only to be met with the rear end of an RPG, which smacked into his cheek with full, brute force, rendering him seriously injured on the floor.

Holstering the RPG, Wildcat looked up and found a red blur in the air. With no time, it tackled him to the ground. The two rolled around for a bit in the dirt, neither gaining the upper hand with no room to reach for any weapons they had in their arsenal.

Delirious got up shakily, his hooves quivering violently as if he were on the ground floor during a 10.0 earthquake. Gritting his teeth, he worked his jaw, attempting to loosen it up from the huge walloping it had just taken. Gnawing at nothing, he shook his head, looking toward the pair of bodies lying on the floor, currently occupied with one another in a huge fistfight.

He grinned.

He reached toward his crotch, chuckled, and brought out a hatchet.

Delirious laughed, twirling it in a hoof as he began to walk toward the duo.

Reaching them, they didn’t notice his presence, which was just perfect for him. Looking at Vanoss, who was on top and probably not winning, he growled. Readying his body, he threw a hoof into his side, knocking him off and into the ground next to Wildcat. Standing over the pig, Delirious shouted a war-cry, brought the hatchet up, and swung, finally landing it in its target.

Grimacing slightly, Vanoss watched as Delirious attempted to retrieve the hatchet from Wildcat’s head. Sucking on his lower lip, his eyes grew wide, then narrowed as he pointed a hoof toward the area, commenting, “What the hell?”

Delirious, still trying, looked at Vanoss with a look of curiosity, “What?”

The Canadian pointed at his face, and Delirious looked. Wildcat was a pig. Easy to know, right? He was also wearing a helmet, as was usual, though there was now a noticeable dent in it from the hatchet currently lodged within it. What was odd, however?

The pig was wearing a white helmet and a pig mask. At the same time.

Finally freeing the hatchet from its location and sending a few pieces of pig meat onto the ground, Delirious looked to the crowd, shaking the weapon’s blade a couple times. He laughed darkly, as if recovering from a near-death experience.

“...Pig-ception, anyone?”

The crowd remained silent, their eyes darting to the right of Delirious.

“What’s- oh fuck!”

PFOO!

Delirious fell to the floor, dead.

As the pool of blood began to increase, Vanoss’ expression shrunk as he swiftly turned tail, watching as Wildcat stood in the distance, a heavy sniper smoking in his hooves. Vanoss stepped back, attempting to defuse the situation but only to watch as Wildcat raised the rifle yet again, this time at Vanoss.

He flinched as the deafening sound came again, and instantly realized what had happened a second later as he heard Delirious yell.

“You motherfucker!”

Vanoss turned, finding a holstering Wildcat walking toward him with a smirk visible underneath his pig mask and on his… pig… face. Stepping in front of the Canadian, Wildcat raised a pink hoof to the sky, which for him was about the height of Vanoss himself. He studied this for a moment, narrowed his eyes, and smiled, high-hoofing Wildcat and causing the pig to suddenly oink in delight. He flushed, “Fuck, did I just do what I think I just did?”

“Yes, you just did,” Vanoss replied almost instantly, laughing.

“Fuck you, don’t tell Del-”

“Someone say my name?!” A voice called, the origin suddenly knocking Wildcat to the floor with a baseball bat. As he attempted to get up, Delirious tried grabbing him, only to receive a swift kick to the face. Growling, Delirious grit his teeth and watched as Wildcat scrambled for the still burning wreckage of the bus. Calmly walking toward him, Wildcat barely managed to squeeze inside before Delirious grabbed him by the tail, yanking him out and beginning to drag him along the ground, creating a path in the dirt.

Stopping, he dropped Wildcat’s rump to the ground, reached toward his crotch, and pulled out his assault shotgun. Stepping onto the pig’s head, who tried to swat at him as he lay belly down, Delirious took aim, yelling, “You broke my fuckin’ mask you fuckin’ bitch!”

Cocking the weapon, Delirious reached for the trigger.

“Delirious!”

His heart stopped.

He turned to his right, and found Applejack glaring at him from among the crowd. Stepping forward, she yelled, “Stop, right now!”

He complied, throwing his weapon to the ground and hearing it clatter in the dirt.

Applejack approached him, waving a hoof. He swiftly stepped off of Wildcat, who scrambled to his hooves and laughed at Delirious. The Pegasus tilted his head, observing the state of his friend’s face. An idea forming in his head, he stayed quiet and listened for a sentence.

“Just what do ya think you’re doin’ just hurtin’ some poor animal?!”

“Poor?!” Delirious yelled, throwing a hoof toward Wildcat, “He tried ta murder me!”

“Ah sure as hay doubt that-”

“No, no he’s right,” was Wildcat’s input from the side, a matter-of-fact look to his face as he raised a hoof.

“Doesn’t change a thing, Sugarcube. Y’all can’t just be doin’ this all the time-”

“Hey Applejack?” Delirious asked.

“Yeah, Delirious?”

He bit his lip, looking to the right and then back at Applejack. Or, more specifically, the large bags underneath her eyes that marked her lack of sleep. Grinning, he chuckled and sputtered, “You uh, heh, you look like shit.”

“Yeah, ah… wait, no-”

“Do you need some water?”

Applejack glared, raising her hoof.

Delirious grinned wildly, almost squealing, “You look a little delirious-”

She smacked him. Hard.

Author's Note

And I'm gone.

Ketchup

Applejack calmly walked away from the Pegasus, barely even listening to his cries of pain out of a mixture of annoyance and complete anger. As she heard the sounds of both Wildcat and Vanoss approaching him, she was given even further reason to not listen, especially so after Delirious began to yell even more thanks to his friends now kicking the absolute shit out of him as he lay on the floor.

Looking around the area, she gave a long sigh and looked toward the sun, now beginning to settle behind the mountains to the west. Blinking, she worked her jaw, feeling a yawn coming on. Attempting to suppress it, she failed miserably. Finished, she scratched her side and adjusted the Stetson atop her head. Quite honestly, she just wanted to get back home.

She had only come by to get Apple Bloom, anyway.

She frowned, knowing she had failed in that as well. Apple Bloom was usually around Delirious, and if not, the filly was around her friends. Not finding her around the former, she didn’t even see the latter. So, with yet another sigh, she began to walk home. Bloom could get home anytime if she wanted to anyway. She knew the way.

Trotting toward Ponyville, Applejack began to think about the events that were supposed to be happening: the Harvest was today. She, Bloom, and Macintosh were supposed to be out and about in their fields, working the whole day to get as much done as possible. They were supposed to. But they weren’t. All because of Applejack.

Thinking about this, the mare lowered her head, ashamed. She had misplaced the cart, and it was all her fault that they wouldn’t be able to begin the Harvest that day. All because she had made some stupid decision. It wasn’t right to blame the others. She could’ve said no very easily.

Applejack shook her head, not wanting to think about it. This only furthered her thinking about it, and she sighed for the third time that afternoon. Continuing on her way, she started to think about what she would have to do in order to get the money that she had spent back. The cart was worth hundreds of bits in tools and equipment.

The cart was-

Something bright flickered to her right. Looking toward the source, she found that it had shone from inside a small forested area, apparently nestled behind a pair of closely-packed trees. Brow raised in curiosity, she began to walk toward it, head tilted this way and that as if trying to determine whether or not something was wrong.

Stepping onto a group of exposed roots, she turned her head, seeing the three guys still talking away at miles per second, their explanations and stories somehow reaching her eyes. For a half second, Applejack wondered what a Cockatoo’s was and shook her head, casually stepping into the boundaries of the woods. Advancing, she looked to her left as she passed an oak tree and saw it.

The cart.

It glimmered at her, easily as bright and clean as the last day she had seen it. Eyes shining, she smiled at it as she approached. The good feeling quickly dissipated, and Applejack jumped back, getting into a low crouch as she grit her teeth, scanning the area around her. Something was up.

Eyes narrowed, the mare looked around for any signs of sudden movement. Something about this was odd, and so Applejack took extreme caution as she backed toward the cart. Giving one last look, she turned to look at the wagon and raised an eyebrow.

Everything seemed to be exactly where it was prior to its disappearance.

Frowning slightly, she walked around it, looking for anything out of the ordinary. Groaning as she found nothing of the sort, she walked back to the front and began to hook herself up to it. As she placed the ring around her body, she caught a glimpse of something amongst the tools. Stopping, she placed the setup on the ground, leaning over and picking the note off of the bright silver shovel.

Her green eyes narrowed as she read it.

Finished, she blinked, swallowing a lump in her throat as she put it back down.

She didn’t feel very safe all of a sudden.

Quickly, she returned to the hooks and attached herself to the cart. Shaking her head again, she gave a small smile. Prob’ly just a buncha kids messin’ around. Ain’t no use worryin’ about it.

Raising a hoof, she trotted out of the forest and began to head back home. There was a lot for her to start doing when she arrived there. Clearing the field of the bus’ wreckage, Applejack began to descend the small hill, intent on getting back as soon as possible. She had postponed the Harvest for a whole day, and she quite honestly didn’t want to keep it like that any longer.

Reaching the edge of town, she was about to start thinking about eating when she was interrupted by a loud voice calling for her. She frowned, knowing who it was. Looking to her right, she found a trio of fillies and a cyan mare sitting at a table. Looking toward the building near them, she saw that it was the local creamery.

She had stopped in the middle of the road, and in an attempt to ignore them, continued on her way. This was to no avail, of course, as she soon found herself stopped by a cyan blur, which quickly began to unhook her from the cart as she spoke, “AJ AJ AJ! C’mon now! No reason ta freakin’ hurt yourself! Come eat some ice cream-”

“Rainbow.”

“Hay, we could get you some rocky road too! Get it? ‘cuz you’re about to go kill yourself by pulling tons of useless junk across Ponyville?”

“Rainbow, now ain’t the time-”

“We could totally, like, have some Place Beyond The Pines thing! Like, like, I could be Luke and you-”

Applejack threw her hoof forward, placing it inside the cyan mare’s gaping mouth. Still hovering in the air, Rainbow gave her a surprised expression. “Rainbow?”

“Huh huhoohack?”

“Please be quiet.” She slid the hoof out, cringing. With a curse of disgust, she wiped her hoof on her side and looked back at Rainbow Dash. “Ah’m tired, and Ah sure as hay don’t need y’all talkin’ to me.”

“Then come and eat! You like ice cream, right?”

Applejack frowned, straightening herself, “Yes. But that ain’t important right now-”

“Don’t be such a baby,” Rainbow said, beginning to push the Earth Pony toward the table and creating twin pairs of gorges in the dirt, “let’s go get some ice cream, Jason.”

“Who?”

Rainbow stopped, Applejack likewise halting less than a foot away from the table. Applejack gave a long sigh, looking at the three fillies currently looking up at her, small spoons coiled in their hooves with bits of ice cream draped inside. She blinked, looking to the left. Apple Bloom stared back, her spoon dripping brown back into the paper bowl to join its comrades.

She slowly placed the spoon down, changing her expression to one of expectancy as she adjusted herself in her seat and crossed her forelegs, “Problem, officer-”

“Don’t even tell me you just said that and meant it, Apple Bloom.”

Bloom pursed her lip, “Sure did, sis.”

Rainbow laughed, slapping Applejack on the side, “Keep acting all cool like that and we’ll have to start calling you Flynn, Apple Bloom.”

“Who?”

“You guys must be, like, entertainmently neglected,” Rainbow said, face falling as she fell to the ground and went to her haunches.

Sweetie Belle piped in from across the table, saying simply, “I don’t think that’s a word…”

“You would know, you walking Oxford,” Scootaloo spat, glaring at her Unicorn friend.

“Ooh, a dictionary joke. How long did it take for you to come up with that?” Sweetie Belle asked, giving the Pegasus the evil eye, “Because it was hilarious. Ha ha ha ha HA!”

The two were stopped short of assaulting each other by two cyan hooves, the owner of said appendages chuckling nervously, “Heh heh heh, c’mon now. Don’t go fighting outside a freakin’ ice cream shop, you guys.” She looked at Scootaloo and narrowed her eyes, “That means you too Squirt.”

Scootaloo groaned, reclining back in her seat as Sweetie Belle did the same. They both stared intently at their paper bowls, neither moving an inch, their forelegs crossed.

Rainbow looked back at Applejack with a genuine smile, “They’re so adorable aren’t they?”

“Who are you again?”

“Very funny,” Rainbow said, pushing the mare back toward her cart, “let’s go. I’m taking you back to your house-”

“You ain’t leavin’ three possibly sociopathic fillies out here by themselves,” Applejack deadpanned, looking at her friend with a blank expression.

Rainbow blinked.

“Rainbow they have knives-”

“They’re fine!” She replied, driving the mare toward the front of the cart. Beginning to attach the straps, she continued, sweeping a hoof their way and looking at the Earth Pony. “See?”

Applejack raised an eyebrow at her friend without a word but only a slight frown, then swept her sight back to the table in question, finding Sweetie Belle, who currently held Scootaloo in a choke hold with Apple Bloom’s bow.

“Choke hold’s illegal!”

“Well, file a complaint.”

Rainbow noticed this, muttering an, “Oh shit,” as she quickly flew toward them. Applejack, rolling her eyes, began to walk off, unimpressed and simply not caring in the slightest. With a frown, she resumed her previous journey home.

Once again, she found herself both stopped and interrupted by the arrival of a cyan Pegasus, who looked at her from her left, only her head visible as she hovered in the air.

“Ah, c’mon AJ! They were just messin’ around-”

“Yeah!” Sweetie said, appearing to Applejack’s right with the rest of the CMC, “Besides, Scootaloo was losing anyway!”

“Shut up.”

Rainbow smirked, “That’s the Squirt I know! Proud of you!” She looked back at Applejack, who looked to her left and narrowed her eyes. “So you found the cart, huh? Where at?”

“Forest. Just outside o’ Ponyville.”

“Oh. Cool,” Rainbow replied, almost deflating at the rather anti-climactic answer.

“Yeah. Cool...”

Applejack’s eyes went wide. Looking to her left, she found him.

Rainbow Dash, still hovering in the air, was currently dragging Delirious by his forelegs, his masked face currently facing the area behind them. Looking over, he gave Applejack a very bored expression as he asked the mare holding him, “Can you let me down now?”

“No.”

Delirious blinked at Applejack.

She blinked back, but gave him a smile.

“So how’d she get you?”

Delirious sighed, answering her, “Well, she-”

Rainbow gave a loud laugh, interrupting the stallion, “I just flew over to where he was and grabbed him. Vanoss and that other guy didn’t even care!”

“Yeah, no shit they didn’t. They’d be laughin’ their asses off if I was being eaten by zombies.”

“Who’s that pig by the way? From what I saw in the sky, he’s pretty cool if he could beat your flank down like that.”

“That’s Wildcat. He’s an asshole.”

Sweetie Belle piped up from Applejack’s right side, “That’s not very nice, Delirious. He seems like a pretty nice guy!”

“He’s a pig though,” Scootaloo chimed in, “I didn’t even know pigs could talk.”

Apple Bloom scoffed, “Seriously? C’mon, we’ve got talkin’ cows on the farm- how little did y’all pay attention in grade school?”

Scootaloo laughed, “Not enough.”

Applejack rolled her eyes, looking back at Delirious, “Speakin’ of the farm, Delirious, Ah might be needin’ your help here real soon for somethin’.”

He raised an eyebrow, “Like what?”

She snorted, staring back at the road ahead of her, “Field work.”

Delirious groaned loudly, rolling his eyes but not giving her an answer. Satisfied, the six continued on their way as the sun began to disappear from sight above them.

It was a long while before they made their way to the gate that marked Sweet Apple Acres’ boundaries. Rainbow Dash had long stopped dragging Delirious, and so the stallion was the first to walk inside, holding the gate open for the mares to get past. As Applejack, the last one, passed by with a quick thank you, he closed the gate with a smile and joined the group as they began to walk toward the house.

Approaching the front door, Delirious frowned as he spotted a familiar figure walking out. His eyes widened as he noticed the group, a hoof holding a green apple. Swallowing the food, he looked at Applejack, who gave him a smile as she pulled up in front of him.

“Howdy Big Macintosh. What’cha still doin’ up?”

He looked at his sister and waved his head toward the barn, “Was ‘bout ta head back there. Ah was workin’ one some of the tools from last year, but Ah see y’all’ve found the cart.” He leaned to his right and spotted Delirious walking up to them. He frowned and narrowed his eyes. “What’s he doin’ here-”

“Big Macintosh, he’s just here ta help with the Harvest.”

“Oh is that right?” Big Macintosh asked, walking over to him, “an’ what’s he think he can do fer us, then, hm?” Standing in front of him, he sized up the smaller Pegasus, who glared back at him and growled.

“Fuck off, asshole.”

“Y’all watch your mouth. Ah ain’t havin’ some rude stallion just up and walkin’ around with mah sisters.”

“He’s not rude!”

Big Macintosh turned, a look of shock on his face as he stared at Apple Bloom, who frowned at him, “Delirious is a nice guy! Y’all just need ta quit bein’ so rude ta him!”

Mac’s head swiveled about like a hawk, green eyes glaring into blue. The Earth Pony stepped forward menacingly, pressing his forehead against Delirious’. Surprisingly to him, the Pegasus didn’t even seem to flinch, staring him back down almost as easily as he. Macintosh growled.

Delirious hissed.

“You heard her.”

Mac’s eyes widened, but returned to their previous state almost immediately.

“Quit bein’ so rude.”

The Earth Pony studied him for what seemed to be hours, his expression unchanged. Finally, he gave out a long breath of anger and turned on his heel, brushing past Rainbow Dash.

“Mac…”

“Not now, Rainbow,” he said in a hushed voice, walking toward Applejack. Waving a hoof, she quickly got out of the wagon’s setup, stepping out of the way as Mac began to hook himself up to it. Succeeding, he trotted toward the barn as quickly as possible. Applejack, meanwhile, gave a look toward her friends, biting her lower lip at their looks of lacking impression.

Rainbow looked over at Delirious, who was watching Mac leave with narrowed eyes. Flattening her lips, she spoke, “Hey uh, sorry about the big lug. He’s not so nice around new ponies, especially other stallions.”

“Why’s that?”

“Proably ‘cause he thinks one of them will sweep me off my hooves and take me away from him,” she laughed, “it’s kinda cute to be honest.” She looked back at Mac, then turned back to Delirious and added, “I think he’s just surprised I’m with him and not some other really athletic Pegasus.”

Delirious rolled his eyes and glared at Applejack.

She seethed, glanced at the barn, and tipped her hat at the Pegasi, apologizing, “Sorry. Ah’ll go talk to ‘im.” With that, she left running, intent on catching up to him before he reached the barn. She failed at this, instead getting to him as he just finished opening the front door. Seeing her, he grimaced, adjusted the cart, and walked inside as Applejack followed suit.

Standing next to a stall, he began to take off the hitch, commenting, “We can start the Harvest tomorrow, now that we’ve got these.” Finishing, he gazed at his sister and added, “It’ll be a tough job.”

“Rainbow will be happy ta help, as always. Ah know how much ya wanted her to be here. And, if we need it, Ah’ve got a few other helping hooves from town that are more ‘an capable of lendin’ a hoof or two.”

“Like who?”

Applejack sat on her haunches and crossed her forelegs as she gave her brother a very condescending look, “Delirious-”

“Oh don’t even start with me Applejack…”

“Friend o’ his, Vanoss as well. Plus another one, Wildcat.”

Macintosh leered at her, “Y’all can’t be serious. If they’re anythin’ like that Pegasus, they ain’t gonna do much in part o’ helpin’.”

“Now that just ain’t fair Big Macintosh,” Applejack replied, listening to him as he groaned and walked toward a few barrels in the corner to her left, “y’all should listen to Apple Bloom more often. Delirious is a nice pony-”

“Ah’m sure he is,” Mac replied, reaching for a mug atop the barrel, “but a ‘nice guy’ ain’t somethin’ we need. We need somepony who can actually do work instead of just jerkin’ off in the bushes…”

“Big Macintosh!” Applejack fumed, “There ya go again! What is the matter with you?! Can’t y’all just be nice to somepony for once?”

“With the way he is,” the stallion began, holding the mug underneath the spout on the side of the cylinder as he gave it a kick, “Ah doubt he’ll be nice all the time.”

Applejack scoffed, watching as her brother began to fill his mug. Walking over to him as he rose it to his lips, she scowled and threw her hoof into it, knocking it and the liquid inside to the floor. Growling at her brother, who glared back, she said, “Ah ain’t takin’ none o’ your bullshit, Big Macintosh.”

He gave her narrowed eyes in response. Rolling her own eyes, she began to walk out the door, but stopped at the threshold and looked back at her brother one last time, coldly adding, “If y’all wanna spend the next couple o’ weeks workin’ yer tail off, that’s fine by me. Don’t expect none of us ta help, ‘cause Ah ain’t taking none o’ this any longer.”

With that, she slammed the barn door shut, leaving him in a lamp-illuminated room by himself. Looking toward the ground, he sighed at the remains of his mug and spoiled drink. Green eyes darted upward across the room. There was another cup inside the cabinet.

Walking over to it, he opened it and found the flagon in question. Retrieving it, he started to trot back, glancing inside the cart as he went. Stopping, something caught his eye. Lowering the mug on the side of the wagon, he leaned into it and picked up what he had seen.

His eyes narrowed as he read it.

We found your cart. Hope the harvest goes well.
I think we’ll be seeing each other again very shortly.

Signed,
A Friend

Author's Note

A bit trigger happy when it comes to chapters.

Sweet Dreams

He stepped a hoof onto the rocks, tapping it lightly so as to test its validity. Watching as it stayed, he gave a small smile and proceeded to climb the steps. Planting all four hooves on the first stair, he blew out a long breath and glared upward. He bit his lower lip. One down, about twenty-five left to go. He lowered his head and sighed. Shaking his rump, he jumped to the next step and landed, teetering lightly like a journeyman tight-roper. Finally balancing, he groaned and repeated the action, bouncing up and making it closer toward the top.

He continued, eventually reaching about halfway.

There, he breathed in and out as if he had run a marathon, glancing upward at his goal. He grinned...

...and collapsed to the ground, his head banging against the sand-covered stone. His lungs worked as hard as they possibly could, but only gave him short, hitched results as his brow sweat heavily and his heart beat slowly. Blue eyes panning around the area, he squinted in a dazed awe at the wilderness hundreds of miles around him. Blowing air out of his wheezing lungs, the edges of his mouth rose.

Thousands of orange rocks rose from the ground, each different sizes and shapes like desert snowflakes. He saw tumbleweeds tumbling about aimlessly on the ground hundreds of feet below the mountain, almost in the same vein as he. Flying around within their own territories were packs of vultures on the hunt for any available meat sitting around, sounds of their cawing echoing across the valley. The sun beat down upon him with the weight of twenty tons, threatening to kill him if he didn't take his damned clothes off.

He shook his head.

Not happening.

The clouds above him continued on their way, agreeing with him as their white exteriors complemented the otherwise clear blue sky. Peering at the sun, it glared brightly back at him as a single cumulus began to pass in front of it. He blinked as a vulture flew by, shouting audibly and piercing his eardrums. Gritting his teeth, he gave a dramatic sigh and began to get to his hooves. Rolling over, he stretched his legs and stood, popping his back and his neck in both an impressive and disgusting display for absolutely no one to see.

Blowing a prolonged raspberry, he reached toward his back and found his holster. Grabbing at what he needed, he pulled the weapon from the holster and brought it out, holding it in front of him. Glancing down at it, he cocked the slide and watched as it clicked back. Smirking, he aimed it toward the sky, held his breath, and pulled the trigger. The rifle barked, and a loud caw accompanied it as the vulture fell toward earth. Slamming the butt end into the next step up, he chuckled darkly as the bird smacked into the desert rock in front of him, its bleeding stomach to the air.

Bringing the rifle back to his chest, he felt its surface, now cracked and weathered from its exposure to the elements. The scope previously attached to it was long gone and completely forgotten, having been left in the ensuing chaos of what had happened months ago. The glint of the sun was evident in every rock, and he didn't want to get blinded if he was so much as looking for food out here. His marksman rifle had kept him alive for quite some time, and he didn't want to just up and discard it in favor of another weapon.

Even seeing as who he was and what he was known for, the desert just wasn't a place to destroy with sticky bombs and RPG's. No. He had learned that the first day he was out here. There was no fucking around when you get actual sunburn. And with heatstroke being a constant threat, there wasn't any time to lounge about in the sun either.

Suddenly realizing this, he holstered the rifle and trotted toward the dead vulture. Eyes widening, he sucked in his teeth as he noticed how much damage he had done. The entire chest cavity was gone, leaving behind very little amounts of meat for him. Shutting his eyes, he shook his head and groaned. Waste of ammo and a waste of time. Plus he was a dick for just murdering an innocent creature. Blue eyes beheld the sight tenderly as he thought as to where he'd get his next meal.

Being a pony, it wasn't all too hard to digest meat, but his body sometimes rejected it. Vomiting was normal but rare. He shook his head, wanting to stop the disgusting thoughts from emerging into reality. Licking his lips idly, he stuck his tongue against his cheek and thought for a minute of his life. He frowned, bent over, and picked up the bird as he turned his head and poked his muzzle into his saddlebags. Grasping at a small rope, he awkwardly wrapped the fowl's neck with the lasso and tied it to his bags. Shaking his body, he tested its status and smiled as it remained still. Nodding his head, he looked back up to the steps and began to ascend once again.

The wind blowing furiously, he felt his tattered cloak rustle with it as if it were its role model-

He stopped.

Wiping his mouth with a hoof, he shut his eyes and thought the thought away.

He nodded once again as it faded, and he jumped to the next rock, grunting all the way. He was close to the peak, and once he was there, he'd finally be able to see if he was close. He had to be. He'd been out here for months. The powers that were couldn't just not make him close to his destination. It just wouldn't be fair.

Halting, he turned his head as he felt a disturbance. Biting his lower lip, he quickly adjusted the red cape, praying that it wasn't as scratched as his cloak. He gave a soft smile as he noticed that it wasn't. Thank God. Rotating his head back to face forward, he narrowed his eyes and smirked. Alright. He had this now. Getting low, he prepared himself, breathed out, and jumped. Successfully landing on the platform, he quickly wiped his brow and resumed his prior actions.

This continued on and on, and he swore that he would eventually collapse and tumble back down the steps only to start over again. It wouldn't have been the first time. His hooves ached, his stomach grumbled, and his head and heart hurt in a tag-team-like fashion. By now, his forehead was completely soaked, but he had no time to dab at it. Gritting his teeth, he put all of his strength into getting up higher. Only ten steps left. He had to get there. He had to see.

Looking at the summit, he raised a hoof to proceed further. Suddenly, he stopped, his ears perking upward.

Blue eyes shrank.

Glancing about in a panic, he cursed and fell to the floor, splaying his forelegs out in an attempt to appear dead. His heart now beating furiously, he hoped that it was convincing enough as the sound came from far off in the wasteland.

SKEEROOOOOOOW!

He clenched his eyes shut tightly, pressing his cheek against the cold stone. It was coming. Keeping one ear erect, he searched for the sound of its approach and began to catch it off in the distance. It was heavy sounding, almost like a thousand vultures flapping their wings furiously into a single microphone. Pursing his lips, he waited for it to lose interest and leave, but found only failure as the sound grew closer. He dared not move. He had no real idea of how large it was.

Damned thing could see as if nothing was hidden in the world. Even so much as glancing its way would cause it to suddenly glare down at the source as swift as a hawk.

It most definitely wasn't a hawk.

No.

He could fuck up a hawk.

This was a different story.

The flapping stopped, and he instead heard the almost inaudible sound of wind whistling. He gulped. It was circling his body. Careful to maintain his breathing, he waited it out. Patience was key, and he certainly didn't want to become its next meal. No. Everything else in the Badlands had the potential to be its next meal. He just had to make sure he wasn't the focusing point. So, calmly, he remained still and awaited its leave.

SKEEROOOOOOOW!

He grit his teeth as the sound blasted his ears, but he still kept quiet. All he wanted to do was simply get up and let it take him, but something in the back of his mind told him that that simply wasn't the right choice. Despite everything in the back of his head telling him it would work, he somehow knew that everything he had on him wouldn't even scratch the surface of killing the monstrous bird. Something told him it was just sad about one of its own kind dying.

That didn't bode very well for him and the rifle very evident across his back. Hopefully the thing didn't know what a gun looked like.

A sigh escaped his lips as the flapping returned, slowly fading out as his heart beat loudly in his ears. The sound stopped once again, and he opened his eyes to check his surroundings. Careful to peer just out of the corners of his eyes, he did a quick one-eighty and found nothing. Giving a shaky breath, he grinned and suppressed the urge to pull a Jesse Pinkman and shout, "Yeah, bitch!" in delight.

Instead, he gave a low whoop in thankfulness and shakily rose to his hooves, now scanning his full field of vision. Nothing. Not a single shadow and not a single animal in sight. Even the vultures from earlier had hidden away. It seemed that the entire desert knew how much of a badass the large beast was, which was both good and bad for him. Shrugging, he decided that, fuck it, it was probably the worst thing ever.

But hey.

He shook the saddlebags and felt his prize's head wobble.

At least he had ammo.

Now he just had to find a good stick and make a bow. And learn how to shoot a bow. Efficiently. And with perfection. There was no time to be piss-poor in such a place. Nodding for the umpteenth time to himself that day, he looked back toward the elevation and resumed his task at hand, hopping up the stone steps to reach the peak.

As he did, he smiled.

Just five steps now.

He jumped.

Four.

He did it slower this time, but he didn't know why.

Three.

Much slower.

Two.

He placed each hoof gingerly onto the platform as he brought himself up with it.

One.

His gaze drew upward. The final step was more of a ledge. Shaking his rump, he crouched low, hissed, and leaped. A hoof caught onto the edge, and he slowly, excruciatingly drew himself over the rock. Teeth grit, he cursed at everything and everyone he knew in an attempt to either justify or better himself. Neither idea worked, but he eventually succeeded and stood at the top of the mountain. Surprised, he turned his head and regarded the ascension now idle behind him.

Yup.

He made it.

Giving a low sigh, he dipped his head and found a grin creeping across his face. Brow sweating, hooves hurting, and his head absolutely brutal with its onslaught, he stepped toward the cliff face, intent on finding his destination from atop one of the highest mountains in the Badlands. He sucked in a breath as he reached the edge, his face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. He was almost as giddy too.

His eyes reflected the sight before him.

A simple, flat, barren plot of desert land stared him back from hundreds of feet below in the valley. His previously happy expression faltered heavily, falling down multiple levels until it was now just a simply casual frown. He blinked rapidly, attempting to change the sight before him like an antique movie reel.

Still, the land remained, and he breathed air into his lungs, let it out, and suddenly collapsed back onto the floor, not caring for the amounts of pain that came with his skull's contact on the hard stone. Groaning as loudly as he could muster, he attempted to wipe his face, only stopped by the permanently frowning, battered mask now chipped and dirtied beyond compare. Curling up into a ball, he frowned at the still image and blinked. His clothes kept him warm, despite the sun already doing so.

He supposed that he would simply die out here.

Crossing his forelegs as he lay there like an angst-filled teenager, he glared at the ground to his right, the clouds and the sun and the sky now vertical to his immediate left.

The wind blew fiercely.

The birds, now out again, cawed in his ears from miles below.

Finally, he opened his mouth.

And H2O Delirious spoke, his voice gravelly, low, and hoarse.

"I fucking hate sand."

Author's Note

My name is Delirious. My world is fire. :rainbowlaugh:

No but seriously I can't wait for you guys to see how this comes into play.

Apple Of My Eye

"Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus. Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus..." Heavy breathing. "Badoop-a....doop.... Banana Bus... God, motherfucker." He stepped his hooves in the dirt idly, attempting to work some feeling back into his legs. Groaning, he tilted his head back at the sky and raised a hoof, shaking it at the clouds above. "You hear that asshole?!"

"Shut up, Wildcat."

He turned his head, narrowing his eyes. "Hey man, pigs aren't cut out for doing horse work. We're supposed to be for hugs and shit."

Delirious slammed the shovel head into the dirt, receiving a nice SHK as it went in without a single ounce of fuss. Turning to the pig, brow sweating and a frown on his lips, he shook his head. "Don't forget bacon-"

"They don't eat meat here, Delirious."

He waggled his eyebrows, picking the shovel up again, "Who says?"

Wildcat worked his jaw, unable to fight back. Instead, he sucked in his upper lip and began to walk around idly, the sounds of dirt being shoveled and grass being parted echoing in his head. Looking to the ground, he gave a long sigh and decided to fall onto his rump. Sitting there like a sack of potatoes, he threw his forelegs into his lap and shrugged. "Why the hell are we doing this shit anyway? It's fuckin' hot outside... we don't have any water... and our lunch break isn't until when- twelve?"

Delirious threw the dirt in his shovel to the pile behind him, giving Wildcat a look as he swung the farm tool back over to the hole. Holding the shovel over it, he thought for a second and corrected, "Twelve-fifteen."

Wildcat fell onto his back, splaying his legs out and moaning audibly. "Goddammit, seriously."

"You can hold out for another thirty minutes, asshole," Delirious snapped, the mask frowning at Wildcat, "y'all can sit on your fat pig ass for now, but after you're chock-full of food, you're pitchin' in."

The pig suddenly got up, arms crossed, "Delirious, you're the only one working right now. What about Evan, huh?" Watching as the Pegasus 180'd, he added, "Does he get a shitty threat too?"

"Vanoss."

"Yeah?"

"C'mon man. Seriously?"

Vanoss looked down at Delirious.

Delirious looked up at Vanoss.

"Yes."

"You're not an owl, man. Get your ass down here and start working." He gazed up into the tree, witnessing the owl mask that haunted Terroriser's dreams. It glared down at him, shaded by the tree's branches and leaves hanging over it. Vanoss was currently holding onto a tree branch, looking down at Delirious in silence with the same vein of an annoying, adventurous child.

"No."

"Don't make me cut that fuckin' tree down," Delirious said, pulling out his hatchet, "I've got the weapons."

He gulped as the owl pulled out a heavy sniper, its barrel facing his forehead. Standing straight, he calmly holstered his hatchet, fumbled about, and slid an RPG out of his crotch, throwing its body over his shoulder as he fell to his haunches. The owl mask still gave him a stone-cold glare, but Delirious knew there was fear underneath it.

"What the hell? Where did you- you motherfucker! You stole my RPG!"

Delirious held it still, smiling as he placed the crosshairs in between the owl's eyebrows. Leering at Vanoss, he replied, "That's right, bitch. Now, c'mon down. Be a good little owl. I'm not a bird murderer." He saw the Earth pony begin to climb down and calmly added under his breath, "yet." Vanoss' hooves touched the ground, sinking into Delirious' other dirt pile. The owl mask frowned at it in silence, before he raised his legs out and walked out, disgusted.

"It's just dirt. Not like I took a shit in it."

Vanoss stood still for a brief second, and the owl mask came off, revealing his disgusted look. He dipped his head to stare at the ground and groaned, shutting his eyes. He waved a hoof, "No that... that fuckin' owl mask is hot as hell man." Swallowing a lump in his throat, his head drew upward, and he suddenly narrowed his eyes and leaned to his left. Pointing a hoof, he chuckled, "I uh, I think the pig's booking it-"

"You ratted me out you son of a bitch!"

Delirious growled, flailing his hooves in the air as he watched the pig scrambling away. Thinking, he reached to his crotch and pulled out his hatchet. Raising it above his head, he frowned, held in his breath, and shouted, "Axe roulette motherfucker!" He chucked it, watching as it sailed effortlessly through the air and finally caught Wildcat in between his shoulders as he jumped over a large root in the ground. Falling to the ground with a yell, he lay there motionless, writhing in pain.

Delirious rolled his eyes, turning to Vanoss with a raised brow. The Earth pony gave him a shrug and a simple, "Eh."

"Fuck you-"

"Hey y'all!"

The two turned with a start, noticing the orange mare sitting against the tree. Her brow damp and her Stetson hanging over her eyes, she chewed on a stalk of wheat and slowly looked up at them, a smile on her lips. "Mighty good throw there, Delirious. Musta been, hay, 'bout fifty feet away." She tilted her head at him, "Where'd you get an arm like that, Sugarcube?"

Delirious raised a hoof to answer, but was interrupted by Vanoss, "Chronic masturbation-"

"Fuck you," Delirious replied, shoving his friend out of the way as he chuckled with him. Walking toward Applejack, he groaned and popped his neck. "Can't believe you're just cool with me chucking a fuckin' axe at somebody."

She laughed, "Well Delirious, y'all curse about as much as Rainbow Dash already, Ah guess Ah've just gotten used to y'all murderin' each other every couple o' seconds." She got up from the side of the tree and looked to her left, spitting the stalk of wheat out onto the ground. "So how's workin'? Ah guess it's not so well, considerin' one of your friends just tried ta run from it."

He glared angrily at the pig now being assisted by Vanoss, if assistance narrowed down to laughing at him and kicking the absolute shit out of his fallen body. Delirious rolled his eyes and looked back at Applejack. Sighing, he groaned, "It's hard as shit. This dirt," he kicked the ground, "is like fuckin' titanium. Those new shovels aren't all that helpful, but we haven't really been using them for digging..." He cast a cautious glance at the farthest one, its head bloodied beyond compare.

Applejack fell to her haunches, rubbing her eyes with both hooves, "We've gotta clean that, y'know. What am Ah supposed to tell everypony? 'Oh, it's alright. They were just killin' each other with 'em'?" Delirious seethed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Ah mean, seriously. Y'all should spend more time workin'-"

"Well, I'm workin'..."

Applejack gave a soft smile, "Ah know Sugarcube, but we're gonna need more than just you if we're gonna get this done any time soon. Even Big Macintosh's got a limit." She watched as his face fell. He glared at the ground silently. She sighed, and spoke, "Don't mind him, Delirious. He ain't gonna hurt ya."

"I know. He's still an asshole though-"

"Watch yer mouth, Sugarcube." He gave her a raised brow in response. Without looking, she nodded her head toward her left side, and Delirious turned to see Apple Bloom walking to them, a large smile on her face as she called.

"Hey Delirious!"

He waved, "Hey, Apple Bloom. What'cha doin' over here?"

Applejack suddenly knitted her eyebrows, glancing down at the filly, "Yeah... what are y'all doin' over here? Shouldn't you be helpin' Big Macintosh with the west fields? Lotta apple trees out there..."

"Ah told him Ah had ta piss-"

"Apple Bloom!"

Delirious bit his lip, feeling responsible.

"S-Sorry Sis. Uh... Delirious did it."

He suddenly glared her way, "Hey-"

"'Hey' yourself! You're the one always cursin' like a sailor! Ah don't even think Noteworthy curses that much!"

Applejack looked at Delirious, an agreeing expression on her face as she nodded and spoke rapidly, "Yeah she's got a point Ah think Noteworthy curses less than you. An' he's known for sayin' the C word every other sentence."

"Yeah yeah yeah..."

There was a pregnant pause between the three ponies before Apple Bloom broke it with her cheery-ass voice. "Y'all wanna go get fast food for lunch?"

"Apple Bloom, that food ain't good for ya-"

"You're just jealous that Ah actually have money to buy food. Not everypony spends their bits on farmtools and such," Apple Bloom said bluntly, falling to her haunches and crossing her forelegs. She gave an unimpressed look up at her sister, finding a pair of green eyes glaring back down at her in kind.

Delirious coughed.

Applejack sighed, finally speaking, "...fine. Sure. We'll go-"

"Yay!"

"But you aren't pickin' where."

The filly's face fell, but she frowned and said, "Fine." She looked up at Delirious, who flinched. "You wanna come too?"

Delirious cast a glance behind him to find his friends in the middle of a brawling match, neither of them winning as they simply chucked melee weapons at each other from behind the trunks of apple trees. He hummed, shrugged, and turned back to the two mares. "Sure. Guess those two are in, too."

"Hey guys!"

"Oh for fuck's sake-"

"What'cha doin'? Talkin' about food?" Rainbow Dash asked, her nose pointed toward Delirious and her rump in the air. "You guys wanna go get some fries or something? I know a place-"

"Rainbow Dash."

The mare groaned, rolling her magenta eyes, "What do you want, Applejack? I'm just hungry, okay?" Applejack gave her a rolling of her own eyes, and Rainbow growled somewhere down in her throat. Delirious pouted his lip in response to the sound as she continued, "I mean, seriously? Twelve fifteen? I didn't even have that kinda wacky-ass schedule at my weather job!"

"Rainbow-"

"TWELVE FIFTEEN. SERIOUSLY? I'M STARVING."

"Well," Applejack said, glaring at her friend, "we can't go early, so Ah guess y'all'll have ta wait. Where's- Rainbow! You should be helpin' Mac out right now!" She suddenly looked at Apple Bloom, yelling, "And you too little missy! Get goin'!"

The two mares stuttered, "B-but Applejack-"

"No 'buts' you two!" She threw a hoof west. "Go!"

They groaned in tandem, and Rainbow flew back as Apple Bloom galloped. Applejack shook her head, turning on her heels to face Delirious, who gave her his attention as she explained, "Sorry 'bout that. Harvest is always like this-"

"It's alright," he replied. Rubbing his stomach, he added, "I'm hungry too-"

"Now don't you start on me Sugarcube. Y'all can wait like everypony else."

The two chuckled as the sounds of working echoed through the fields. Smiling at one another, Delirious suddenly looked up, asking, "So how long does this fuckin' harvest usually take anyway?"

Applejack tapped a hoof against her chin before responding, "'bout a few days. It took about a week last year, seein' as how we didn't have you guys then."

"What happened to your friends? They're your, y'know, friends right?"

She sighed, "Yeah, course. Let's see... Twilight was in Canterlot for a meetin' with the princesses, Fluttershy was carin' for Discord, Pinkie Pie - who nopony's seen in a long time by the way - was doin' Faust knows what, and Rarity was too busy with dresses. Rainbow was there though. Glad she's here now. Ah know she's only here fer Mac though. She couldn't give a rat's behind about helpin' with the Harvest."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's been gone a lot recently too. Says she's too busy 'making money' if that don't mean nothin' suspicious. Ah'm not one ta barge into somepony else's business, so Ah don't ask. Though Ah have seen her with that Flam feller a couple times. Knowing her, she's probably off doing something stupid with him."

She shook her head as Delirious looked back at his dirt pile before finishing, "Thank you, by the way."

He gave her a confused look, "For what?"

"For bein' here. Helpin'. We really need it. Save us a lotta time, and at least you're more entertainin' than Rainbow Dash is."

"Well, I pride myself on keeping people interested. I've got about four million subscribers, shit's hard."

She rolled her eyes but smiled, "Again with these 'subscribers', huh? They a real thing or are you just makin' that up?"

He blew a raspberry as he returned to his prior position, "Oh no, they're real. And they loooove me, and I love them," he affectionately explained, picking up his shovel. Throwing it into the ground, he scooped up a small amount and turned to chuck it into the pile, only to find an orange mare looking at him with a raised brow. Lowering the shovel to chest level, he shrugged, "What?"

"What are you doin'?"

His expression morphed to one of confusion, "Uhh... what's it look like I'm doin'? You said it yourself that you're glad I'm here, y'know, workin' my fuckin' ass off. Might as well get back to it."

She tutted, waving a hoof, "Oh no no no." She watched with a grin as he dropped the shovel, glaring at her. "Y'all ain't workin'."

Finally, he asked, "Yeah, why not?"

Applejack chuckled a short chuckle, tilted her head, and raised an ear to listen. Mouthing out a countdown, she reached zero as they heard it clear across the farm.

"Whoo! Lunch break!"

She looked back at Delirious with a sly grin, who groaned outwardly and threw his hooves against his skull. "Seriously what the hell man. I was just about to start working again."

"Well," Applejack began, turning toward the barn in the distance, "too bad." As she started to walk off, she stopped and regarded Delirious. "You comin'?"

"Yeah, just uh... gimme a second." Fumbling about in his crotch, he aha'd and pulled out his flare gun. Making sure it was loaded, he held out his arm and aimed at his friends a little ways away. Pulling the trigger, the flare soared through the air, thunking Wildcat on the helmet with a loud clunk. Hearing him groan in pain, Delirious waved a hoof and caught the attention of Vanoss, who called to the pig and joined him as they began to run.

Delirious spun, holstering the gun as Applejack smiled at him. Raising a hoof, she resumed her trot toward the barn, but stopped once again as she noticed that Delirious wasn't paying attention. Raising a brow, she tilted her head and asked, "Y'all alright, Delirious?"

He nodded after a second.

Applejack's grin widened as she chuckled.

"C'mon Delirious. Let's go get some lunch, hm?"

Author's Note

Just a bit of a social chapter I guess. Delirious and Applejack need to interact more anyway, so expect a lot of that next chapter.

Acres Of Land

"I hate salad."

"Well Mr. Wildcat, Ah don't think y'all've got a choice in th' matter, seein' as how you're a pig an' all." Apple Bloom looked to her right, finding the pig in question staring back at her with a dumbfounded look. She giggled, placing her spoon onto her plate. "Y'all are lucky we were able ta bring you inside. Usually, it's not really okay ta bring in livestock-"

"Livestock? Are you insulting me? Listen little girl, I'll have you know I could kick your-"

"Wildcat?"

He looked up, a calm look on his face. Shrugging, he asked, "What?" as nonchalantly as an innocent child. Rarity gave him a look from the end of the table, a frown playing at her lips. Shaking her head, she was able to make Wildcat grumble something under his breath, now passive as he began to reach for his fork again. Apple Bloom continued to laugh as her hoof went to the middle of the table, intending on grasping at the ketchup bottle.

A hoof slapped hers, causing her to snort in response as her sister glared at her.

"Apple Bloom, Ah know y'all ain't used ta this, but you need ta try ta watch your manners. Ain't no Hayburger in here..."

"Yeah yeah yeah," Bloom replied, nudging Delirious next to her. He glanced her way expectantly but silently, and watched as she pointed a hoof to the bottle. Rolling his eyes, he got out of his seat and snatched it quickly, getting back into position before Applejack had a chance to slap him as well. Twirling the ketchup in a hoof, he whistled and threw it onto the table bottom up, earning a giggle from Apple Bloom and a blown raspberry from the orange mare.

"Anyway," Vanoss suddenly piped up, placing his fork and knife down as he looked to the end of the table, "thanks for the food, Rarity. Shit's been hard as hell working all day."

Rarity screwed up her face in disgust at his word choice, but cleared her throat and responded, "Why, it's the least I could do. After all, I can't just leave you all to go to some... wretched... fast food restaurant. My friends deserve nothing but the best, after all. Plus, I'm very good acquaintances with the owner, and I'll have you know he was honored to have us here today."

Wildcat smirked, "Yeah, that's no shit."

"Hey now Wildcat," Applejack chuckled, "could y'all possibly keep it down? Macintosh over here," she said, pointing a hoof to the stallion next to her, "is tryin' ta get some sleep-"

"Ah ain't sleepin'."

"Well ya sure ain't talkin'-"

"Ah know." Applejack followed his trail of vision toward Delirious at the opposite end of him, the Pegasus currently feasting away at his burger in silence and unable to notice his suspicious recognition. She bit her lower lip, turning to her right as she thought. Maybe she could defuse the situation-

"Hey AJ!"

She flinched, looking to the source.

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof her way, her own plate filled with chili fries and cheese piled on top. She grinned wildly, almost devilishly as she called, "Yo, you mind tossin' me the mustard?"

"What kind of weirdo eats chili with mustard?" Applejack asked genuinely, an odd expression on her face as she reached for it anyway.

Rainbow Dash threw a hoof to her chest, "I do!" She quickly received the mustard bottle, much to her enjoyment. Applejack glanced back to talk to Delirious, but raised a brow as she saw him quickly scrambling out of his seat.

Involuntarily getting out of her own, she stuttered, "Wh-where y'all goin', Sugarcube?"

Delirious regarded her, his mouth full of hayburger and ketchup. Standing motionless, he looked at her as if she had caught him stealing out of the cookie jar before finally swallowing his food and belching softly. Whispering an excuse for himself, he shrugged, his blue eyes darting to Macintosh for a split second. "Bathroom," he said, and then he left, pushing in his chair. About to go, he suddenly leaned back, stealing a fry from Apple Bloom's plate. Though she attempted to get it back, he threw it down his throat as quickly as he had gotten it, smiled, and then trotted off.

Walking through the corridor, he gave out a long breath of satisfaction, thankful for his lunch meal. Delirious sighed. Just so much as strolling down the restaurant felt odd somehow. He didn't belong here, but it, for some reason, felt like home. It felt friendly. He looked every which way, surveying the area around him. Ponies round and round were enjoying themselves, talking with one another and genuinely having a good time.

The mask frowned.

But Delirious began to feel a smile tug at his lips.

Looking to his left, he walked past a pair of ponies currently fidgeting with what he now noticed were school ties. He recognized the blue one easily, but the stallion seemed to not notice him. Instead, he was completely fixated on the grey mare across the table from him, who was currently fixing her own tie. Delirious chuckled and stepped past, not wanting to disturb the two. Suddenly, his train of thought was thrown off the rails.

Oh shit.

He actually had to pee.

"Fuck."

Going into a jog, he took a right past the bar's counter, intending on running into the restroom as fast as he could. The last thing he wanted to do was piss all over the restaurant's floor. That wouldn't bode well for him, and that wouldn't bode well for Applejack either- wait. No. He shook his head. It wouldn't bode well for Rarity. He raised a brow to himself, wondering why he made that mistake. Clearing his throat, he continued on his way, finally spying the bathroom across the hall.

He glanced about, hoping no one would see him if he accidentally piddled at some point. Turning left, he nodded and stepped faster toward the bathroom, but stopped as he suddenly recognized something. His eyes went back west, and he froze. Blue eyes narrowed as he looked for what he had seen. They widened as what he had seen noticed him as well.

"Whoa... H2O, right?"

Delirious blinked, trying to find his voice. He gulped, and found it. He decided not to use it, though.

"Yeah, that's it. H2O Delirious. Hey man! How've you been?"

The Pegasus gave his left and right quick glances of recognition, before he took a step back.

"Oh c'mon man, don't be like that. C'mere!"

Delirious grit his teeth, cursed, and sighed, begrudgingly trotting over to the stallion currently sitting at his table. Stopping less than a foot away, he stared vacantly at him. The stallion tilted his head, obviously confused. Raising his hooves, he pressed them against his chest. "You uh, you remember me, right? Quick Time-"

"I remember you," Delirious interrupted.

"Good, good! Hey, you wanna take a seat-"

"I'll stand."

Quick threw a foreleg up innocently, apologizing, "Ah, I got it man. Sorry." Turning back to his table, he picked up a beer and began to drink, completely ignoring the stunned look he was being given from across the bench. Finished with the bottle, he threw it onto the wooden surface of the table and burped, much to the disgust of the mare, who snapped.

"Seriously?"

"What, can't I enjoy a little drink?"

"No," she spat, eyebrow knit. Pointing accusingly at Delirious, she explained, "that."

Quick Time laughed, "Oh, he's just an old friend-"

"Well," she began, looking at Delirious as she pushed a black lock out of her eyes, "I do hope you don't mind leaving. Me and my associate were currently having a business discussion, and we'd both like it if you left so we could finish-"

"I'm okay with him-"

"But I'm not."

Delirious frowned, suspicious of the two, "Just what kinda business discussion is this?" He raised a brow as the mare looked to the ground. "Go on, think of something to tell me. I know that's what you're doing right now."

She crossed her forelegs, glaring at him. Quick Time licked his lips, still staring at his beer bottle currently grasped in one hoof. Tapping it against the table, he held in a breath and spoke, "You want a job?"

"Quick Time!"

"Hey, calm down Silver Tongue, let me finish."

Silver hissed, getting out of her seat, "You are not discussing this with a complete stranger. No ifs, and's, or buts, you hear me? You're lucky our acquaintance requested you and not anypony else. It just had to be you..."

Quick laughed, turning toward Delirious, "Like I said, you want a job? We could use an extra pair of hooves."

"Quick..."

Delirious fumbled for his words, wary on what he was getting into. He found his throat dry, and worked his jaw to wet it once again. Licking his lips idly, he asked, "Job? Like what?"

"Oh, a job." He ignored the cries of displeasure across the table. "A well paying job, might I add but uh.." he suddenly glanced about carefully, before leaning in to speak in a hushed tone, "here ain't someplace to talk about it."

Delirious narrowed his eyes. He stared blankly at the Unicorn before speaking bluntly, "So it's illegal, then. Really? You just got out of jail and now you're trying to get back in?"

"Hey, it's not that simple. It's not even that hard."

Silver Tongue blew a raspberry from across the table.

The Pegasus took a step forward, placing his forelegs onto the table as he scrunched his face up. He hissed, "And just why the fuck are you telling me this, huh? I was just your cell mate-"

Quick poked a hoof into his chest, grinning, "But you, my friend, have weapons. Explosives. We need that, so we need you. I would've had to call in a few favors from some pals of mine, but, hey, just my luck to see you here. What'cha doin' here anyway? You don't strike me as the kinda pony to eat at fancy restaurants-"

"Neither do you."

Quick grinned at him, waggling his eyebrows. "What say you, man? You want in? Hell, I'll give you more than fifty percent of what we get." He stuck a hoof out, one which Delirious frowned at. "C'mon, H2O. You in?"

Delirious looked to the right, then looked back. Breathing in and out audibly, he spoke, "How much."

Quick Time gave an evil chuckle as he reclined in his seat. Eyes darting toward Silver Tongue, she rolled her eyes in response, waving a hoof toward the Pegasus. Quick nodded, then replied, "...why don't you come with us and see-" He stopped, blinking rapidly as Delirious turned tail, walking back as quickly as he had come. Biting his lower lip, the Unicorn stole a glance at Silver, who was busy eating her food.

"Your fault, bucko. Now, if he tells the cops, you want me to bust you out again, or you want ta keep your hoof?"

Delirious trotted back, his bladder forgotten but completely satiated. Stalking down the hall, he shook his head and got back into a positive mood, pulling out his chair much to Apple Bloom's chagrin. Settling into it, he mussed the filly's hair up, fucking up her bow. She groaned at it and swatted at him to no avail as he dodged, picking up his burger as he did so. As he looked around, he found Applejack smiling at him, and he smiled back.

His vision flew to the left, and found Big Macintosh's glare upon him. Quickly, his mood fell, and he frowned at the table as he resumed the eating of his burger.

"Ah, Applejack. So, you forgot to answer the question, haven't you?"

"Uh, what?" She tapped her head with a hoof, "Sorry, Rares. Lost track. What was the question, a-again?"

Rarity rolled her eyes playfully, but repeated it for all to hear, "I asked, 'How has the Harvest been so far?' I mean, of course it's going swimmingly, seeing as how you've got quite a few more helping hooves around the farm."

Applejack laughed, settling against the table as she looked to the far end of the table, a smile on her face, "Well, Ah can't lie. It's been doin' well so far, no thanks to Mr. Pegasus and his friends here. We really needed 'em, without, Ah think we'd still be toiling away at the western fields with the promise of still havin' to do the eastern fields after." Looking at Delirious, Vanoss, and Wildcat, she smiled, "Ah sure am glad y'all are here ta help, honest. Hey, Ah'll make sure we whip up a good batch of cider and pie for you guys for all your hard work, okay?"

"Applejack, you know we can't do that."

The mare looked to her right, finding Big Macintosh glaring at her. She raised a brow, "Ah'm sure we can-"

"We can't. You know that."

"And why not?" Rarity asked, a look of curiosity on her face, "I'm not quite sure I follow."

Applejack sighed, dipping her head. Delirious furrowed his brow in concern, watching her as she stared at her hooves for what seemed like hours. Macintosh waited as she did so, and stood motionless as she got back up. She swallowed down dozens of lumps in her throat, looking away from her friends and family.

"Applejack dear, whatever it is, it can't possibly be so bad, can it-"

"The farm ain't doin' so hot."

Rarity leaned back. Rainbow Dash leered at Applejack, throwing a hoof to the air, "What the hay's that supposed to mean? Whaddya mean it's not doin' so 'hot'-"

"Ah'd rather not talk about it, alright Rainbow?"

"No! Whatever it is that's bothering you, we need to know!" Rainbow grinned, "Hay, maybe we could help you if we can! Isn't... isn't that right, Rarity?" The Pegasus nudged her, a sly grin on her face. "C'mon Rares, we can help, right-"

"Do you have about five-hundred bits on ya?"

Rainbow froze. Delirious' eyes widened. Vanoss and Wildcat stopped eating, their forks raised in midair. Rainbow mouthed hundreds of things under her breath, but spoke only one, almost out of air, "Wh-what? Five-hundred bits-"

"That's how much we owe the bank right now, last Ah checked." Applejack sighed heavily, lowering her head to stare at her plate, "We've been tryin' so hard ta make due, but it hasn't been workin'. The farm... it's the most important thing to us. All of us... and we might be losin' it. We... we might be in a lotta debt soon..."

Nothing but the idle chatter from the restaurant filled their ears. Delirious' heart beat loudly in his chest, threatening to burst out at any given moment. He, along with everyone else, gave the mare a shocked, horrified expression. This seemed to last a lifetime before it was Mac's turn to speak, his deep voice reverberating in Delirious' ears.

"Even with y'alls help, Ah doubt we'll still have enough even after we sell all of our apples this fall. The fields are full, but they ain't that full. Ah thank you as well for helpin' out, but it just ain't gonna be enough." Big Macintosh slowly turned to Delirious, eyes narrowed, "Ah don't hear none o' your input, kid. Got anythin' ta say?"

Delirious remained quiet.

"Ah'm sure y'all could get some money somehow. Ya know, maybe kill a few innocent ponies here and there, Ah'm sure with yer kinda behavior it'll only last 'bout a-"

"Big Macintosh!"

The stallion glared at his sister, who scowled back with her teeth grit, "Y'all. Watch. Yer goddamned mouth," the ponies at the table jumped, "ya hear me? Ah don't want another word out of you..."

"Ah could get the money. Ah'm sure the Cakes wouldn't mind an extra pair o' hooves workin' there what with Pinkie Pie suddenly up and leavin'. Ah'd do it better than he could anyhow-"

"How much?"

Applejack and Macintosh turned. The rest of the table leaned over to him in kind. Delirious was breathing heavily, his brow knitted to impossible levels. Growling, he asked once again, "How much?"

"Delirious, Ah don't wanna talk about it right now-"

The ponies flinched as Delirious' hoof slammed into the table with enough force to break bone. Tilting his head up slowly, he spat once more. "How. Much. I know it's not just five-hundred. Don't fucking lie to me."

Applejack sighed, shaking her head at him as she shut her eyes. She raised a hoof to her mouth and gulped loudly, before placing it back onto the table and staring him blank in the face. A glint in her left eye, she gave out a few shaky breaths in his direction. Blinking rapidly, she assumed the best casual position and finally stammered out her answer.

"...seven-hundred an' thirty-five."

The table fell to a dead silence, each and every attendee giving the orange mare looks of absolute horror.

Delirious stared at the table, as still as a statue. A light caught his attention, and he saw a pair of ponies walking calmly out of the restaurant, their idle chatter filling up the otherwise quiet restaurant that had been listening to the jazz band play. Delirious looked up at Big Macintosh and found his green eyes leering at him. Delirious growled down in his throat somewhere, gripping the table with deadly force. The two had a stare down, before the Pegasus quickly got out of his seat and walked out.

"Delirious? Where you goin'-"

The mare was shut off by the sound of the door closing, the masked stallion now stalking swiftly outside. Walking toward the two ponies, they took notice of him and stopped trotting away, allowing him to advance to them. He did so quickly, stopping less than a foot away from them, his face darkened by the mask. Tilting his head, he found them staring at him expectantly as he remained quiet.

He hissed like an animal.

And sneered as menacingly as a cold-blooded murderer.

"Let's go."

Is Everything Okay?

"Ah swear, this is the last time Ah give Apple Bloom cookies before dinner..." Applejack asserted, her forelegs currently sunk within the confinements of the water. Frowning, she threw her weight into the plate currently grasped in her hoof, attempting to scrub away the muck and grime left from the filly's overexcited eating. Sighing as she finished, she let go of the plate and watched as it sank into the depths below. She stopped as her mind drifted to nothingness, her task now complete.

She shook her head as the water in the sink began to drift down the drain. Giving a casual look, she looked over the contents before her. The plates were stacked neatly, the glasses of water were clean as whistles, and the forks and knives were already packed back into their respective drawers. Applejack hummed, unsure if she was actually finished. She thought that it would've taken a lot longer than that, and at that moment she shut her eyes, dipped her head to the ground and rested her forelegs on the counter, issuing a long breath that deserved to be free.

Slowly lifting her eyes back open, she gazed upward and looked to the outside, past the glass window that waited to be covered with its yellow curtains. Her expression softened as she gave another sigh, her chin falling to the wooden counter with a soft thud. She let her eyes fall shut and rested with her thoughts. Green eyes came out once more, and Applejack began to watch the outside. Luna's moon was full that night, and boy had the lunar Princess been busy.

Applejack knew that stars were always out, but, somehow, someway, they felt extra special tonight. They appeared brighter, almost shinier as they sat in the dark blue sky, the light of the moon casting a white glow that radiated for miles and miles around it, reflecting onto the dirt, the grass, the Earth underneath it. Applejack couldn't help but crack a smile, but it died down as quickly as it had come, her gaze drifting from the pleasant sights to the grave reminder: the farm.

The trees, the mud, the dirt, the hills and the apples and the barn and the corral and the house and the tool shed and the cellar. All of it.

It would be gone soon, and it was entirely her fault.

She quickly wiped something forming in her eye. Her family was asleep, but even she didn't want to see tears tonight. She had to be strong, and maybe, just maybe, she could pull it off. There had to be some way. There just had to be some way. The powers that were couldn't just do that to her, no sir-ree.

Still staring outside, she gave out a shaky breath and whispered a few select words to the outside world, before she fell back to the ground, turned, and began to walk out of the kitchen. It was at that very moment that she heard a rustling from the wilderness, and so she stopped and listened. The noise was simply gone.

Blinking, she shrugged in a half-hearted manner and raised a hoof.

Another noise.

She turned her head, scanning the kitchen.

And it was at that moment that the barn door to the right of the sink swung open, creaking audibly as it deposited a familiar blue stallion, who held his head as he fell to the ground, his mud-covered body splattering the floor in his wake. Groaning, he breathed in heavily and wrapped a hoof around one of his forelegs, and that was when Applejack noticed the dark color of red matting his fur. Her eyes widened, and she stuttered.

"...D-Delirious..?"

The stallion in question suddenly looked up at her, and her breath caught in her throat as he struggled to look at her with one eye, a black formation having swollen it to an almost unrecognizable pulp. She practically flew to his side as he swore under his breath.

"Shit.."

"Delirious, are you okay?" Applejack asked, her heart pounding. Thinking quickly, she went to the sink and started it up, putting a towel underneath the torrent of water as she looked back at him. He gave a dramatic groan as he struggled to get up, a shaky hoof reaching toward the nearby green table. Tutting, she decided that the towel was good and sprinted back to Delirious, falling to the floor and beginning to dab his eye through the hole in his mask.

He gave an obvious growl of annoyance, but sat still and opted on breathing. Or more like wheezing, he corrected, touching his ribs with a hoof as he lay there. He knew what question was coming, and he began to think something up as he saw Applejack glaring at him. Suddenly, he winced, the wound in his foreleg now making itself more noticeable.

Applejack didn't seem to notice as she continued to dab at his swollen eye. "How'd this happen," she stopped, looking him square in the eyes with a concerned look, "huh?"

Delirious sucked in a breath, then let it out before replying with a shrug, "It's- it's a uh... a... fight."

She shook her head disbelievingly, resuming her work as she spoke, "An' just how did this quote-unquote fight start, hm?" She frowned as he flinched, her towel touching a sensitive area of his face, "Somepony say somethin' they regret? You ain't gonna be payin' nopony's hospital bill, are you?"

Delirious chuckled, but cringed almost immediately, a rib or two not agreeing with his action. He looked back up at her with his right eye and smiled, "No, nothin' like that. He was an asshole, but not that much of an asshole."

"Fella had a name, or didja kick his flank before ya had the chance ta ask?"

"Qui- uh, no. Actually." Delirious stuck a tongue against his cheek, "Doesn't really matter anymore though. He's long gone now."

"Ya didn't- oh. Hospital?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Guess that's the word..." He grimaced as Applejack pulled the towel from his eye, the pain now resonant once more. Giving a wheezy laugh, he asked, "Hey, you done with my eye?"

"Ah doubt Ah could do much else for it." Lifting his chin, she strained her eyes, "Looks swollen as hay ta me. How hard he hit ya? Musta been some kinda body builder with that kinda arm." He gave her no response, and so she returned to the sink to wet the towel once more, continuing, "Ah guess Ah could keep that towel on there for a while longer, but Ah'm not sure how much help it'll be..." Finished with her task, she turned and found Delirious.

Her face fell as she took in his full form, his body currently resting against the table in a slumped position and his left hoof currently grasping at his right. The mask was faced to the ground, battered and scratched like the face beneath it which, like the rest of his body, was covered in mud, grime, and marks that told stories of beat-downs. His wings were mussed up and missing a few feathers. His mane and tail were fussed over entirely, almost as if he had been asleep in a pile of static-filled blankets for an eternity at most. His chest rose and fell slowly, carefully, as if every breath was his last. His hooves were completely brown and slick with residue from something she couldn't quite recognize.

She felt her heart broke, and she let out a long, shaky breath as her head turned toward the drawer to her right. Opening it up quickly, she found the first-aid kit and threw it open as well. Retrieving the gauze, she scanned for a brief second before finding and grabbing the alcohol as well. Nodding to herself, she about-faced and arrived at Delirious' side once more. He looked up at her, his eye appearing dead and hollow.

He croaked, "You notice the arm just now?" She ignored him, instead glaring at his joking at this time. Delirious gave a short laugh, "Took you long enough-"

"Shut up Sugarcube, and let me see your leg," Applejack demanded, the gauze currently on the floor as she reached for the rubbing alcohol. Sighing, Delirious complied, sliding his hoof from the wound and praying she wouldn't freak.

Needless to say, she freaked super hard.

Without a word, she raised a hoof to her mouth at the ungodly gash in his leg. She didn't want to think about it for long, and she quickly gulped a lump down her throat and found her towel. Pouring a small amount of alcohol onto it, she began to dab at it in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Thankfully, it began to work as his skin started to bubble up. She didn't need to look up at him to see that he was gritting his teeth in pain.

"Oh c'mon now, y'all get shot 'bout fifteen times a day. Y'all have gotta be used to this by now-"

"When I'm getting shot, I'm usually already dead a second later. Never really used this... alcohol shit."

"Well," Applejack began, looking up at him with a small smile, "worst part ain't over yet." She leaned toward his wounded leg, eyes squinting as she made sure it was okay for now. Nodding, she blew a breath and got up, trotting over to the first-aid kit again. Reaching inside, she heard Delirious wheeze.

"Worst part?"

Delirious opened his mouth as Applejack shone a bright object in the light of the kitchen.

A needle. Smirking, the mare brought out a spool of thread alongside it.

"Fuck me..."

"Maybe later, Sugarcube," Applejack said nonchalantly, walking back to him.

His eyes widened as he gave a slight jump and a raised brow, "Wh- what?"

"Nothin', Delirious. Now, hang on a second," Applejack replied with a chuckle, getting down to the floor. Placing the needle in her mouth, she grabbed hold of the thread with both hooves and daintily began to put it through the eye. Delirious watched, unimpressed. The mare furrowed her brow, shaking her head at nothing in particular as she adjusted her grip.

"Need help-"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"No."

Delirious rolled his eye, beckoning a hoof his way. Applejack regarded the appendage thoughtfully, carefully, before sighing with annoyance and giving him the thread. Leaning her head toward him, she bore witness as he easily threaded the needle and tied it, though how he did so was out of her line of sight. Satisfied, she spat the needle into a hoof and nodded her head toward his leg. Delirous grit his teeth and growled, but ultimately let the mare look at it.

The gash was no longer bleeding, thankfully, but it needed to be stitched up immediately. Tapping her tongue against the inside of her lower lip, she looked at Delirious and gave a smile, to which he smiled back. Sucking in a breath, she spoke sincerely, "So, uh..."

"Yeah..?" Delirious asked, his head facing the now-closed door he had come in from.

"...ta put it bluntly, Sugarcube? This is gonna suck."

He sighed. "Yeah, I know."

She placed the needle over his skin and said simply, "'kay." She stabbed. Delirious cringed heavily, but kept his cool in front of the mare as she began her work. The sounds of her thread zipping, she asked, "So, how'd this happen, huh?" Not looking his way, she continued, "That... asshole of a stallion have some kinda ninja sword on 'im?"

Delirious waggled his eyebrows in surprise at her swear, but he was able to reply, "Nah. This was uh.. this wasn't that guy."

"Really?"

"Yeah, one of his, uh... goons, I guess. While I took the other guy out, he came from the left and slashed me with a fucking piece of glass." He laughed heartily, and looked at Applejack, who stopped what she was doing and looked at him in kind. "I guess you could call him a glasshole."

"You're funny Delirious, ya know that?"

Delirious grinned at her, "Yeah-"

"Then shut the fuck up an' sit still."

Delirious lost his breath as he lost his shit as well, taking every measure possible not to burst out laughing. Applejack smirked from ear-to-ear, content with what she had said. Resuming her work, the room was silent for what seemed like hours with nothing but the distant calls of wildlife and the wind sounding out from the outside. The faucet dripped a drop of water from time to time, and the barn door still creaked in the breeze, but everything was overall peaceful as Applejack tended to Delirious' wound.

It was awhile before Applejack stopped, her gaze fixated on the half-stitched gash. Snorting out of her nose, she spoke softly, "Listen Sugarcube, Ah'm... sorry about mah brother... at lunch today. He was outta line-"

"It's fine, Applejack."

She looked up at him, but he stared vacantly ahead of him.

She frowned, "Sugarube, it ain't fine. He shouldn't've said a single word right then. He had no right ta-" She froze as the mask slowly turned to look at her, the tired stallion underneath currently looking at her with a likewise tired right eye. The single blue eye gazed at her longingly, before Delirious spoke kindly.

"Everything is okay."

Applejack blinked, "Delirious, it's-"

"You'll do good, okay? You won't lose the farm."

"Now Delirious, y'all can't know that."

"Yeah," he began. The mask frowned...

...but then the mask slowly raised, and then the mask found itself face-first on the wooden floor with a clatter. Applejack looked from the mask, then back to its owner. Her expression froze as Delirious smiled at her, a tooth or two missing and his nose bloodied beyond belief. His face was scratched, as if a dozen or so cats watched catnip get flung on him and then immediately pounced. He tilted his head and finished, "I can." Slowly, he tapped her with his wounded leg. "From what I know about you, you're one kickass g-" he sucked in a swift, almost unnoticeable breath, "mare... and you can do this." He leaned forward and spoke softer, "Be okay, okay?"

Applejack stared him straight in the eye for a brief second before she went back to work without a word. Doing so with incredible speeds, she tied a knot, finished, and reached for her gauze. Extending it, she wrapped it around his leg three times, dropped the leftover roll, suddenly threw herself onto him, pulled him into a tight hug, and buried her head into his shoulder as she smiled through clenched eyes.

One leg out of commission for the time being, Delirious raised the surviving leg and wrapped it around the mare's back, breathing in heavily. He heard a sniffle from the mare, and he gripped her tighter as she teared up.

Wiping her eyes with a hoof, she grinned and spoke shakily, "Thank you, Delirious. Thank you." Delirious gave a soft hum in response.

And the two sat simply for minutes of their lives, enjoying each other's company.

It was a long while before something broke the happiness, and that something was the creaking coming from the living room's staircase. Noticing this, Applejack suddenly let go of Delirious, getting up from the floor. Her ears went up as they caught a call.

"Applejack?"

The mare smiled, "Yeah, Apple Bloom?"

"Ah can't sleep. Ah know Ah'm a big filly an' all but..."

Applejack chuckled as she went to the living room's threshold, placing a hoof against the wall as she leaned out to regard her sister, "Don't worry, Ah'll be right up Apple Bloom. Just gotta finish somethin' down here first, alright?"

Delirious couldn't see, but he could tell that the filly nodded as Applejack looked back at Delirious with a grin. She walked over to him, but stopped as he scrambled to his hooves and gave her a brave expression. She shook her head as she rolled her eyes, then advanced toward him again and bent over to pick something up from the ground. Delirious expected it to be her first-aid kit, but the mare's hoof came back up with his mask.

Applejack smirked, and raised it over his head. Delirious sat calmly, allowing the mare to put it on him. As the final piece slid over his face, he let out a long breath of satisfaction, then watched as the mare stared at him for a brief few seconds. Finally, she flung herself against him again, her hooves holding a death grip around him as her head found its prior spot on his shoulder. She hummed thoughtfully before raising her nose to his ear, whispering.

"Don't die on me, okay?"

Delirious nodded almost too quickly, "I won't."

Applejack gave her own nod, "Okay," and released him. Stepping back, she slid a hoof across the other foreleg and asked, "Y'all gonna be alright gettin' back to the barn?"

Delirious simply shut his eye and acknowledged it. Applejack, satisfied, walked backward out of the kitchen, a large grin on her face. Sliding a hoof down the entrance's wall as she passed, she said softly, "Okay, good night," and walked away.

The sounds of her new conversation with Apple Bloom reverberating from the living room, Delirious sighed with content and bent over, collecting the first-aid supplies and placing them back into the kit. Shutting it, he turned tail and placed it back into the drawer. Closing it, he looked to his right and began to stroll out the door, making sure it was properly locked. There he stood still, dipping his head to the ground.

His gaze drew left, and found the massive burlap sack sitting against the wall. He stared at it for awhile before he frowned, nodding. Picking it up, he grunted at its weight, raised a hoof, and began to trot toward the barn, intent on finally getting some sleep.

Author's Note

Chapter names. Find it.

Burning

“Apple Family?”

He smiled wildly as a yellow filly sprung up from his couch, catching the attention of the previously anxious ponies nearby. Getting up from their seats - including the elder, who did so almost as fast as the others - they stood at attention as the stallion beckoned a hoof behind him.

“C’mon in,” the stallion said with a wink. Turning tail and going around his desk, he took his seat and watched as the Apple Family sat down. Comfortably adjusting their positions, the room was dead quiet once more, the only sound being the ceiling fan currently blowing above their heads.

The orange one in the front glanced about as if in a panic, her stature almost incapable of being stationary. She grit her teeth lightly, green eyes dancing about in a kind of desperate waltz. The stallion behind the desk chuckled loudly, adjusting his tie as he leaned forward and placed his forelegs onto his desk. Grinning, he began, “Now, I know with utmost certainty that you all can’t wait to figure out why I called you down here this…” he stopped, tapping his chin. Lighting his horn, he threw up the curtain to his left, then laughed, “...lovely afternoon.” Turning to them, he added, “Am I right?”

They collectively paused for a brief second before nodding as one. The businesspony smiled, “Well… I brought you all down here so we can discuss the future of Sweet Apple Acres, now that everything has been taken care of and such,” he pulled out a drawer, magicking a pile of papers and folders into the air, “you know. Boring things, like… papers… and forms for you to fill out. Nothing too bad, I assure you-”

The orange one raised a hoof, a look of confusion on her face. Waving the appendage, she screwed up her expression and stuttered, “Wh-wh-what do ya… mean... by ‘taken care of’, exactly?”

“Applejack, yes?”

“Huh- oh. Yeah, Applejack.”

“Well Applejack,” the Unicorn began, leaning back in his chair as the folders and papers began to stack on his desk, “by ‘taken care of’, I mean that… wellll, your debt’s been paid in full...”

The Apple Family’s eyes widened dangerously.

“...now, I’d like to go over a few things with you to, y’know, make sure you don’t go back into debt in the future-” He suddenly jumped at the practically ear-shattering sound of a very excited filly yelling happily.

“We’re keepin’ the farm!”

And so, it was just that day for Mr. Goodcolt. A day for his eardrums to be broken and, at that very moment, for his stapler to be flung across the room in complete happiness, shattering upon impact and sending hundreds of staples to fall to the ground in complete exhaustion. As he sat there, a smile on his face, he suddenly grew aware of a question that was bound to be asked.

Cursing in his mind, he looked up and found Applejack hugging her grandmother. She caught his gaze, and slowly a look of curiosity crept onto her face as she stopped, waving a hoof at him.

He dipped his head, pretending to write.

Shit.

“Hey, Mr. Goodcolt…”

His head darted upward, “Yes?”

She tongued her bottom lip, walking up to his desk as the room quieted down. Slowly planting her hooves onto his desk, she narrowed her eyes and spoke slowly, as if expecting the answer to come out as such too. Looking to her left and right, green finally stared into blue, and she asked.

“How exactly did we suddenly get outta debt…?”

Saul Goodcolt simply smiled in return, prepared for this.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Quick Time turned his head to look at the Pegasus in question. Scrunching his eyes, his mind reminded him how hard it would be to see, especially considering their current location. Breathing in and out calmly, he adjusted the backpack across his back and asked, "Hey man, you alright-"

"I'm fine."

"It's his first time an' all. Little guy probably doesn't know how things like this work."

Quick looked at Thundercloud angrily, "Hey, don't be like that. This guy right here is the only reason we're able to do this." Quick pointed at the Pegasus, prompting Thundercloud to roll his eyes, "And the reason you're all getting paid. When I called for this job, Thundercloud, I didn't ask for dumbasses, alright? Eyes forward ponies, we're about ready to head out." Quick Time adjusted his gear once more, licking his lips as he poked his head out of the sewer tunnel.

Eyes narrowing, he scanned the horizon.

The building sat idly in the middle of the field, a small collection of lights brightening it up from the inside. Its exterior looked completely run-down, seemingly abandoned and prepped for scrap at first glance. The roof was destroyed, an entire section now laying down on the ground in a large pile a few feet away from the side entrance, which was currently being watched over by a pair of guards. They glanced about, their horns lighting up the areas in front of them, casting shadows that danced along the paths of their gaze.

The paint on the building was absolutely faded, its previously blue color now appearing a pale gray, some parts revealing the metallic beams underneath. The front entrance was heavily guarded, with six guards currently standing in front of it, a bright yellow glow emerging from the windowed door closed behind them. They, like the side guards, looked around the surrounding area, lit by the few Unicorns' horns. The three Pegasi wielded crossbows in a gun cast, their rear legs ready to stomp in case of spotted enemies. The one Earth pony sat on his haunches, smoking a cigarette.

The field the building was in was full of unkempt grass that would be easy to sneak through, about the height of an average pony. The moon hanging in the sky cast its white glare solely onto the warehouse. A small, cut path led from their sewer tunnel and toward the grass, thankfully made when the tunnel was first created years ago.

Why anypony would make a place here was beyond Quick Time, but he smirked anyway. Too easy.

He turned his head back toward his team, eyeing them. Directly behind him was Thundercloud, who gave him a waggle of his eyebrows as he shifted the backpack atop his grey fur lightly. Following Thundercloud was Danger Close, who popped his neck in anticipation. Spell Bind looked at Quick Time from behind Danger Close, his horn levitating his crossbow up from next to him. Pulling the rear was the Pegasus they had brought onto the job, at the chagrin of everypony involved. Nopony knew who he was, and why he was using some kind of fake alias.

What the hell kinda name was H2O Delirious, anyway?

Delirious tapped a hoof against the tunnel wall impatiently, wondering how much longer they would be sitting there. Sighing, he tapped faster in a kind of Morse code, but suddenly perked up as Quick waved a hoof at him. Stepping toward him, he squeezed by Thundercloud, who shoved him slightly as he did so. Delirious immediately stopped, growling in his face. Thundercloud gave a big laugh, complimenting his big stature, "You think you scare me, you little shit?"

Delirious simply turned tail in response, walking up from behind Quick Time. Standing next to him, he crouched low as Quick did so as well, looking in the direction that he pointed his hoof. He squinted in search of what Quick called out. "Y'see over there, by the shed? Left side of the guard?"

He attempted to look, but found himself unable to.

He replied anyway, "Yeah, yeah. What about it?"

Quick shrugged his shoulders, "Listen, a long time ago, this place used to be some kinda playground or something for little foals. Some annual thing, I didn't care to look. Right by that shed is an entrance into an underground tunnel kinda like this one. The hatch is covered by a lotta grass since this place was abandoned years ago, but it's wooden and it shouldn't give you too much trouble. Now, unless you wanna get executed for all of us to see, I suggest you either take that there guard out or open that hatch as quietly as you've ever opened anything before."

Quick pointed, "Now, that tunnel's gonna lead you inside the warehouse, but you gotta stay hidden until we get in too. I'm not sure exactly what room you'll come into, but make sure you're not seen. If you need to, take out the guards in the room if there's any, alright?" He reached toward his backpack, pulling out an object and bumping Delirious' side with it. Delirious looked, finding a small crossbow in front of him. He raised a brow, and took it. Without a word, he stuffed it into his crotch to the absolute disgust of the stallions nearby.

"Ew, what the hell was that?"

"Gross..."

Delirious glared, pulling out his combat pistol. Raising it above his head, he said, "Don't need your shitty crossbow." He cocked the slide back coolly, then looked back at Quick Time as he asked, "We ready?"

The Unicorn stuck his tongue into his cheek, waving a hoof at Spell Bind. Three small objects levitated into view, falling into Quick's outstretched hoof. Sitting on his haunches, he put one in his ear, giving the next one to Thundercloud, who snatched it out quickly. Quick turned to Delirious, displaying one for him. "These are prototypes of Spell Bind's. Communication is key, and we need to be able to talk with one another every second here. Just put it in your ear, you'll be able to hear us and talk with us."

"Alright," Delirious replied. Placing it into his ear, he shook his head like a dog expelling water. Still holding his combat pistol, he looked at Quick Time, who was staring at a watch on his foreleg. Raising his other leg, he slowly lowered it. Mumbling, he suddenly slammed it downward and jabbed his hoof toward the rundown structure before them.

"Okay, go go go!"

"Great. Aunt. Birgid?"

"Yup."

"Y'all know about this Great Aunt Birgid, Granny?"

The old mare touched a shaky hoof to her chin, humming, "Well Ah... Ah think Ah remember some kinda Birgid. Ah'm not too sure... wh-where's she from?" She looked at Saul quizzically.

He grit his teeth, "She's uh... hang on, let me get out the file. It's somewhere around here..." Lighting his horn, he opened up the cabinet near him and pulled out a file, making sure that its contents were out of view of the Apple Family. Placing a hoof against it, he stuck his tongue out and slid the appendage down its length. He grit his teeth, tilting his head this way and that before finally saying, "Ah, San Palomino."

"San Palomino? Pretty strange fer an Apple ta be way out there-"

"She's not on your father's side, Miss Applejack."

"Ah, alright. Guess that might be why y'all don't know 'bout her, Granny," Applejack replied, looking at her grandmother. Granny Smith simply shrugged in response.

"Now, I apologize for putting all of her will into your farm without your permission-"

"No, that's fine Mr. Goodcolt," Big Macintosh replied, "That's what we would've done with it anyway."

Saul's face lit up as he grinned, "Oh, good, good! Well, that's basically it. Your debt is over, and now you can all go home and have ice cream to celebrate!"

The Apple Family smiled as one, nodding their heads as they slowly got up from their seats. As Big Macintosh opened the door, he looked at Saul, who watched as Apple Bloom and Granny Smith left. Applejack stopped at the door, turning to Saul as well before calling, "Thank you, Mr. Goodcolt. Have a nice day!"

Saul waved a hoof as Applejack left, and glanced at Mac as he stared silently. After a few heartbeats, Mac looked back at the door and exited the room, shutting the door behind him softly. As silence came back to Saul's life, he breathed out heavily and shut his eyes, running a hoof through his mane. Blowing air out of his lungs, he looked to his right and walked toward his closet door. He opened it slowly, then turned tail and trotted back to his chair.

"They're gone."

The Pegasus got up, walking out of the closet and closing it softly.

The mask frowned at him.

"Listen, you've got a lot of pelotas for doing this, man. That's blood money, and there will be collectors. That I can guarantee." The Pegasus walked toward the door, then stopped and trotted toward the window. Opening it up, he ignored the Unicorn who asked, "Hey hey hey, the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Leaving," the Pegasus said, placing his hooves on the windowsill.

"Delirious, you can't just..." Saul frowned heavily, waving his hoof as he took a seat in his chair, "Ah whatever. Just make sure you don't break anything, alright?"

CHHH

Saul swiveled about in his chair. He found Delirious looking at him innocently, his hoof currently smashed through his now-broken window. Delirious tilted his head, brought in his hoof, and flared his wings as he began to climb out. Simply, he said, "Alright," and flew to the outside. Saul sighed into the air of his office as he reclined in his chair. Horn lighting up, he opened his door and shouted into the hallway.

"Hey, ST?"

"I told you to not call me that, Saul!"

"Whatever, could you call the janitor over here?"

Delirious, hovering outside, rolled his eye and flew to the right to hug the wall of the building. Making sure that he wouldn't be seen, he inched toward the corner, held his breath, and dropped to the alley below. Landing in the grass with a dull thud, he shakingly wiped the dust from his forelegs and perked up as he watched Applejack and her family trot away from the office building, completely unknowing of his presence as they happily shouted with springs in their steps.

Delirious raised his mask, wiping his face tiredly as he sighed. Smiling, he replaced it and turned suddenly.

Wildcat looked at him with an impatient expression, a glare on his brow as he tapped a hoof on the ground. Vanoss stood against the building to their left, currently patting his forelegs against his stomach in a manner that showed he was strangely enjoying himself. Blowing raspberries at a mile a minute, he didn't even realize that Delirious was there until Wildcat spoke up.

"Alright, you done?"

Delirious scratched the back of his neck, "Yeah, I'm done-"

"Oh thank God let's get the hell outta here. C'mon Evan," Wildcat said, waving a hoof at Vanoss, "let's go. Gotta see if they've got some kinda banana stand in this place..."

"Heh heh, funny story about that.."

"Wait," Delirious said, stepping back as Vanoss and Wildcat pushed past, "you guys're just leavin' me?"

Wildcat turned, adjusting the helmet atop his head, "Well uh... I mean, don't you have some horse ta fuck or something, Delirious?"

He growled angrily, "Fuck you."

Wildcat grinned at him, tilting his head.

Delirious rolled his eye, "No, I don't. Asshole." Rubbing the gauze around his leg, Delirious began to follow Wildcat as he and Vanoss walked out of the alley and turned right to start heading down the road. Trotting past a couple stores, the pig began to speak once more.

"Okay, so. I'm bored as hell, what're we gonna do today, Evan?"

Vanoss looked at Wildcat, placing his sunglasses onto the top of his head, "You wanna do some darts-"

"DAAAAAARTS."

Vanoss laughed, almost stopping in the middle of the road if it weren't for Delirious nudging him in the back. "Yeah, that one. I'm sure we could find a dart board around here somewhere. Probably back at that bar- you remember it, right Delirious?"

Delirious was currently looking elsewhere, but managed to say disinterestedly, "Yeah I mean.. probably." As the two in front of him began to talk once more, Delirious' mind began to tune out, his one eye taking in the town he was currently walking through. Slightly limping as they went their way, the Pegasus smiled, suddenly wondering why he wasn't out here enjoying himself.

Surely there was room to celebrate. He had made sure that Applejack and her family was okay, and that was good enough for him. He mentally rewarded himself and told his brain that he had done good today. Even though he ended up getting pretty beaten up the night before, it was completely worth it just to see her smile like that.

Delirious groaned, scratching his back with a wing as the three continued to walk through town. Wildcat was still talking, something about bananas and buses as per usual. Delirious fanned his mouth with the wing as he yawned, then scratched his back once again.

Quite honestly, Delirious was bored.

Vanoss suddenly pointed at something, and Delirious jumped as he yelled out what he had seen.

Delirious flew to the grass, making sure to slow down just before hitting it so that the stalks wouldn't rustle too noticeably. Crouched low to the ground, he breathed in and out to calm his furiously beating heart. Holstering his combat pistol, he began to crawl toward the house. The sound of a whisper met his right ear, and he about jumped at the action.

"Alright, advancing. Close, you in position yet?"

"Not yet, Quick. There's a guard right here, might need ta take him out before I can get to the trench."

"Do what you gotta do, Close. No screw-ups here, alright? Delirious, you there?"

Delirious fumbled around, caught by surprise, "Uh y-yeah, yeah, I'm here." Thundercloud laughed heartily in his ear. Delirious swore he'd beat the shit out of him the next time he saw that muscly bitch. Staying his position, he raised a hoof to his ear and cringed at the mud that met it, "What'cha got, Quick?"

"Delirious, the guard at the shed has a friend. You're gonna need to do something when you get over there, and you're gonna have to do it fast. You hear me?"

Delirious nodded, then spoke as he slowly got up, "Got it."

He heard the sounds of hooves smacking against one another accompanied by a laugh from Quick Time. "Hell yeah, boys. Let's get this shit done and get paid, huh?" A short roundabout of agreement buzzed in his ear, and then went silent. Delirious sighed heavily, thankful that his ear was no longer being verbally assaulted. Shaking his head, he began to crawl through the mud as slowly as molasses, the large warehouse growing ever closer in his vision.

When he was sitting down in the sewer tunnel, the field of grass didn't appear to be no more than twenty feet, but by now it had gone way over that. Groaning, he felt slabs of mud begin to stick to his coat. Tapping a hoof to his mask told him that even his trademark article was covered in the shit. He sighed once again, but resumed his crawling not a moment later. His heart beating aggressively, he dragged his body across the field until he began to spy a large, worn picket fence marking the boundary between the grass and the warehouse grounds.

A small dip separated a foot long hill that led up to the fence, completely devoid of the grass that had covered his approach for the past few minutes. He cursed under his breath, knowing full well that that was the only way he'd be able to get to where he needed to be. Stepping a hoof out into the open, he poked his head out soon after. Looking left and right, he found nothing for a brief second.

Suddenly, he looked up toward the area directly behind the fence.

A Unicorn was standing still, a crossbow levitating next to him in a yellow aura. He peered out silently, sweeping the grass fields with a glare on his face. Slowly, his gaze drew downward to the trench, and he raised a brow as he spotted Delirious. Leaning forward, he mouthed something for a quick moment in his life before raising his weapon to aim at Delirious.

"H-"

PFF

Delirious stopped, stepping back as the Unicorn tumbled over the fence and settled in the watery bottom of the trench with a sickening schlip. Staring at him, he watched a small pool of blood begin to pool out from his ears. Delirious gulped.

"Geez Delirious, were you gonna kill that guy?" Danger Close called, chuckling afterward. "Don't worry man, me and Bianca took 'im out. Hurry up, you gotta get to that shed.

Delirious nodded, even though he knew that no one could see him. Stepping past the Unicorn now dead on the ground, he crept up the hill and lay prone on the ground. Glancing from the bottom of the fence, he watched as the front guards stood menacingly but completely unaware of what had just happened. The Pegasi were now facing different directions, intent on catching any unwanted guests. The single Earth pony was still standing against a wall, breathing out a long wisp of smoke from the cigarette in his hoof.

Blue eyes shifted left, spotting the shed. Lowering, they found the small patch of grass currently hiding the hatch that led inside. Delirious looked to the guards near it, both of whom were talking with one another. One was a Pegasus and the other was an Earth pony. Delirious grinned, knowing that it would be a piece of cake to deal with them. Breathing out into the air, he looked to his left and slowly rose. Making sure there wasn't anyone watching, he flared his wings and flew down the fence.

Folding his wings, he went into a roll and looked right. A small portion of the fence was destroyed, easily allowing for his entrance. Crawling through it, he found himself on the warehouse grounds finally. Wiping his forelegs, he groaned inwardly as the mud remained, now caked into his fur. Rolling his eyes, he drew a hoof down his mask and successfully purged it from the evil mud. Blowing a prolonged raspberry, he took a risky glance to his right, ensured that no one was the wiser, and quickly flew toward the shed.

Pressing his back against the metal wall, he inched toward the right corner and peered around it. The right flank of a pony met his eyes from the opposite side of the shed. Catching their conversation, he realized they were completely off their guard. Throwing his head back to his side, he looked toward his stomach and raised a hoof in anticipation.

"Yeah, that's pretty stupid of you, man, you oughta apologize next time you see 'er-"

"Hey, I'm gonna take a piss. Be right back."

"Alright, Flow, I'll take watch."

Delirious breathed in and out softly, waiting for his opportunity. Listening to the sounds of hooves rustling grass, he patiently anticipated what he was about to do. The noise suddenly stopped, and a new noise took its place in the form of gear rattling around. Another one joined, and was unmistakably the sound of pissing on the Earth. Delirious carefully poked his head around the corner and had his suspicions confirmed.

Narrowing his eyes, he reached toward his crotch and brought out his combat pistol.

Chuckling darkly, he dramatically cocked the slide back. The pissing Earth pony continued what he was doing.

"That's a fuckin' tree house if I've ever seen one."

"Holy shit, that thing's fuckin' huge."

The three stood still, impressed by the mass of the tree sitting idly before them. It easily overshadowed them, and they quite honestly expected it to be a playground for dumb kids. They were denied such thoughts as they noticed the sign nearby, a pink-ish one that held a large cutout of a book on it. Confused, they all blinked rapidly at it.

A pony walked out of the door, a pile of books hovering next to her.

Delirious hummed.

Vanoss coughed.

Wildcat scratched his ass.

"The fuck is it?"

"I dunno man, but," Vanoss said, pulling out his homing launcher, "it looks flammable-" He suddenly fell to the floor, his launcher clattering to the grass next to him. Holding his face, he shouted, "Ah, Delirious, you dick!"

Delirious patted his baseball bat, tutting at him, "Hey, you wanna go back to jail again bitch?"

Vanoss groaned, hooves falling to his sides. He glared at Delirious, "No."

"Then get the hell up and let's actually go inside." The Pegasus looked at Wildcat and asked, "You wanna try that, too?"

"I think if I tried to use a fuckin' RPG I'd break my back, Delirious."

"Well good." He swept a hoof toward the entrance, "Bitches first."

Wildcat rolled his eyes, "Fuck you," but went ahead. Delirious looked back down at Vanoss, watching as he got up with a loud groan. Vanoss stood still for a brief second to pop his joints, then punched Delirious in the foreleg before following Wildcat. The Pegasus bit his lip viciously, the hit having landed on his bad side. Vanoss no doubt knew that, no thanks to his laughing as he walked away. Flailing his wounded leg, Delirious whimpered in pain before shakily stepping it back onto the ground.

He winced, but was able to keep it steady. Breathing out a sigh of relief, he looked at the tree house and began to walk toward it as well. He began to blink quickly, noticing that Wildcat and Vanoss were both just standing motionless inside, staring straight ahead at something. Delirious quickened his pace, reduced to a quick limp with one of his legs basically destroyed from the other night. Crossing the threshold, he slowed to a halt as he too realized what was happening.

"Spike, Spike! Where is the history book in Section 24b?!"

"It's, it's uh... it's around here somewhere Twilight just gimme a minute!"

The purple Alicorn stopped, hovering in the air as she glared toward the book pile on the ground. Planting her hooves against her hips, she shouted, "Spike, get out from there! This is important!"

A darker purple head suddenly poked out of the top of the pile, flinging a few hardcovers a couple of feet away. Shaking his head, he raised his arms from the mass and pointed to the book in one of them, "Twilight, is this what you're looking for?"

She raised a brow, but lit her horn and snatched the book from the dragon's grasp. Humming, she raised it to eye level and read the cover. Blinking, she lowered it and looked down at the drake. "Spike, this is a book on dating advice..."

Spike stuttered, quickly jumping up and grabbing it from the mare's magic. Cheeks aflame, he stowed it deep into the book pile furiously before chuckling embarrassingly as he tapped his claws together. Twilight rolled her eyes and turned to go back to the bookshelves. Eyes widening, she gasped as she noticed the trio of ponies standing at the entrance. Swooping down, she called, "Spike, take care of this! We have customers!"

Spike groaned heavily, stomping off to the rest of the bookshelves. Twilight ignored him as she touched to the ground, fluttering her wings before folding them by her sides. Clearing her throat, she smiled and spoke happily, "Hello there! Welcome to the Golden Oaks Library, I'm Twilight Sparkle." She thrust a hoof toward them and waited.

Vanoss regarded it for a minute or so before shaking it. Twilight laughed and clapped her hooves together afterward. Coughing, she waved a hoof to the area behind her and said, "As you can see, we're currently in a state of reordering, but if you would like to check a book out, I'm sure we could help you out-"

She suddenly trailed off, tilting her head. Vanoss got out of the way to follow her line of sight, and found Delirious staring back. Twilight gasped, walking over to him. "Oh! I didn't see you there! I remember you, you were the one that saved Applejack a week ago!" She suddenly cringed, "Oh my gosh, are you okay? You look like you had a disagreement with somepony."

Wildcat suddenly screwed up his face, looking at Delirious as he spoke, "Yeah Delirious, what the hell even happened anyway?"

"Could you.. maybe watch your language sir? Spike isn't old enough to-"

"I heard that!" yelled Spike, glaring at Twilight. "It's not like I haven't heard it with Rainbow Dash before..."

Twilight rolled her eyes, then turned toward Wildcat and stated, "Just don't do it, okay? I'd greatly appreciate it, if you don't mind." Wildcat nodded, and the Alicorn sighed in content. "What's your name, sir?"

"I'm Wildcat," he replied, then pointed to the red Earth pony and said, "That's Vanoss."

Twilight smiled, "Thank you, Wildcat. Now, would you guys like to check out a book?"

"No, books are boring."

"Yeah, I'd rather do something fun."

Twilight glared at them, obviously annoyed with their insults to her greatest love. "Well, anyway, would you like to come in and sit down? Maybe take a breather? It's hot outside today, isn't it?"

The three nodded, and Vanoss and Wildcat walked past her and toward the dragon currently dusting off the bookshelves. Twilight watched them go, then turned back to Delirious and gave him a grim expression, "I hope you're okay. I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Delirious."

"Great to meet you Delirious. How are you? Last time I saw you, you were in the hospital."

Delirious shrugged, shaking his wounded leg, "Eh, it's fine. Gotta worry about this thing now though."

Twilight looked at it, "I hope it doesn't hurt-"

"Nah, I'm good. Just kinda stings from time to time." It was a lie. Shit hurt like a bitch, but Twilight didn't see past it and nodded.

"Well," she began, smiling at him, "I hope you're enjoying Ponyville! Trust me, the longer you stay here, it'll grow on you." She laughed, "You know, when I first arrived here, I thought I would hate this place in less than a day. Never have I been so wrong. I'm glad I stayed." The two stared at one another in silence as Twilight sighed in nostalgia. Silence filled the air around the two, completely independent of the loud shouting emanating from behind them.

Delirious raised a brow, leaning over and waving a hoof over Twilight's face.

She shook her head as she shut her eyes, then bit her lower lip and apologized, "I'm sorry, I don't know what happened there. Heh heh, well uh... would you like to sit down?"

Delirious tapped a hoof to his chin thoughtfully, then looked up and shrugged, "Sure."

The duo walked to the middle of the room and toward a large collection of chairs and couches. A likewise big coffee table sat in between them, a few books laying on it with their pages torn. Delirious eyed it carefully, wondering exactly what their purpose was. Twilight caught on as she looked over her shoulder, then jabbed at the air with her head.

"Oh, sometimes ponies get a little rough with the books. I-In my free-time, I just work on repairing them. You know, making sure that it's not too terrible." Twilight flopped down onto the main couch, looking up at Delirious with an admittedly adorable smile. He returned the gesture rather awkwardly, taking a seat as far away from her as possible.

Which just so happened to be right across from her.

And she continued to stare, a single hoof against the side of her head.

Delirious didn't have any French girls.

This was a fucking problem.

"So..."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Twilight got up, waving her hooves around in a possible panic. As she did so, her hoof completely destroyed the stack of torn books and knocked them to the ground in a heap. Delirious glanced about in a panic, not wanting to help in fear of... something that he couldn't quite place. If she was a friend of Applejack's, she had to be nice... right? Twilight groaned, lighting her horn and magicking them back onto the table. Aligning them, she coughed into a hoof and beamed at Delirious embarrassingly. "Sorry about that. Get kinda careless sometimes, heh heh.."

Delirious blinked.

"So! Have you uh... met any of the other girls, Delirious? I know you know Applejack already, and from what I heard, you've met Rarity as well."

Delirious hummed, his hoof reaching to his back to scratch it. He bit his lower lip in an attempt to stave off the large laugh he was harboring. "I've hung out with Rainbow Dash. Pretty cool chick. She taught me how to fly a few days ago, actually-"

"Oh, she did? That was nice of her! She's been teaching Scootaloo too, it's so amazing how far she's come since they met! So, let's see... you just met me, and I like you already! You seem like a nice pony."

Delirious blinked.

Twilight leaned forward, pressing a hoof into her chin, "That means you haven't really met Fluttershy yet, then... and you won't see Pinkie for a while. I'm not sure when she'll be back-"

"Pinkie?"

"Yes, that's another one of our friends. She's the funniest pony in town, always brightens everypony's days. She left a couple days back, said she had to go find a rock someplace...? I dunno, Pinkie Pie's always doing something random. So I guess all that's really left is Fluttershy, then. Hey, you wanna wait for her? She and I are supposed to have some tea time today, and she'll be here in about a few minutes or so! I'm sure she'd love to meet you!"

Delirious blinked.

"Uh... Fluttershy?"

"Yep! I'm sure you two'll hit it off, she's really great with ponies!"

"Like... Flutter, and Shy?"

Twilight blinked.

"...yes, why?"

"Never mind," Delirious replied, shaking his head. Wait... his head. He looked down at his nose and noticed the white object covering it and the rest of his face. Oh shit.

A knocking came from the front door, prompting Twilight to jump with delight and practically fling herself to the entry way of her library. Throwing the door open, she waved a hoof at the yellow Pegasus standing at the door with a smile. "Come in, Fluttershy! How's your day been?"

As the two began to walk to the couch, Fluttershy replied softly, "Oh, it's been wonderful! When I woke up this morning, Angel was kind enough to make me some breakfast in bed! Discord was really nice to me as well, today's been a very great day so far." She suddenly flinched, then sheepishly asked, "Uh, how was your day, Twilight?"

"Oh, same old, you know? Just repairing some books and reorganizing everything like usual. Hey, you wanna take a seat while I go make some tea?"

"Sure, Twilight-"

Delirious caught the sound of a sudden, dangerous inhale as hooves screeched against the floor. Mumbles followed soon after, and he raised an ear to better listen to them.

"Who- Who is that, Twilight."

"Fluttershy, he's a friend of Applejack's. C'mon, maybe you two could talk a bit while you wait."

Delirious looked to his right, watching as Fluttershy walked into view and eyed him from behind the cover of the couch's backrest. Leaning this way and that, her eyes danced around in their sockets before she slowly walked forward. Stepping toward the chair across from him, she sank into it gradually, looking at him out of the corners of her eyes the whole time. Delirious blinked calmly as she did so, and she finally settled on the purple chair and sat as patiently as a dog.

Her eyes went everywhere but him.

"So... uh... what's your name?"

Fluttershy bit her lower lip, her left foreleg beginning to tap on the couch cushion.

"I'm Del- uh, my name's Jonathan." He stuck a hoof out across the coffee table.

Fluttershy took notice of it, slowly looking at the blue appendage in silence. Slowly, she raised her own hoof rather shakily to meet his, then finally grabbed it in midair.

Delirious cringed inwardly at the amount of sweat present on it.

It rivaled Nogla's hand after he furiously fucked himself in his basement with those kids.

A smile slowly formed on Fluttershy's face as they shook hooves. They both settled back into their chairs as Fluttershy spoke, "I... I'm Fluttershy. It's nice to meet you Jonathan.."

"Nice to meet you too, haha." Delirious sighed heavily as he leaned forward, tapping his hooves together. "So uh... who's Angel?"

She grinned, "Oh, that's my bunny friend! He's only the sweetest bunny in existence!"

Delirious blinked.

He swore a part of him was about to spew rainbows. He held his tongue.

He really didn't wanna clean the carpets anyway.

Holy fucking dick shit thank God-

"Alright, I'm back you guys! I hope you don't mind tea, Delirious. It's... kind of a tradition." She flashed him a grin, placing the green kettle and cups onto the coffee table.

He shrugged in response. As Twilight began to fill up the three cups on the platter, Fluttershy leaned to her left and asked, "Delirious? I-I thought your name was Jonathan..."

"Fake uh.. name. Jonathan's my real name. More people just know me by Delirious, heh heh. Sorry, you can still call me Jonathan if you want-"

"No, that's okay. If you like Delirious, then I'll call you Delirious." Fluttershy smiled weakly at him as she was handed her tea cup. Cradling it in her hooves like a small child, she looked up at Twilight and asked, "So, what have you been up to lately, Twilight?"

The Alicorn levitated a mug toward Delirious, which he grabbed quickly and almost immediately dropped. Sucking in a breath, he practically threw it back onto the table, getting a few giggles from the mares in the room as Twilight asked, "Never have tea before, Delirious? It's hot, hee hee."

Delirious flailed his hoof as if he had a hangnail, teeth grit all the while, "No, I - fuck - haven't, no." Breathing in and out to calm himself down, he pressed his back against the couch and crossed his forelegs in annoyance as he waited for his beverage to cool down. A suspicious brow went up as he watched the two mares drink from theirs with no issue, even smiling as they looked to one another.

"Oh, sorry Fluttershy. I've just been really caught up on fixing up the library, to be honest. I haven't had much time for other things, you know?"

"Oh, I completely understand. This whole week I've been trying to train Ms. Wormwood's class on hatching chickens, and I hate to be rude but it's just been so hard! There's one colt who just won't calm down! All he wants to do is... run around the chicken coop with his stuffed tiger! Honestly, I don't see why Ms. Wormwood lets him bring the poor thing!" She suddenly leaned in and whispered, "It looks comatose!"

"Have you been sleeping lately-"

"No," Fluttershy said immediately, laughing. "That's why Angel and Discord were nice to me; I spent the entire last night just working on calming the chickens down..."

Twilight licked her lips, looking around nervously. A slight frown on her face, she asked in a hushed tone, "Have you been... taking-"

"Yes... I'm not sure how much it helps though..."

"Hey, watch this Spike!"

The three suddenly looked to the bookcase and gasped in shock at what they saw. Vanoss stood atop one of the step ladders, reaching a hoof into one of the shelves. The leg rustled endlessly, and he pulled out a large red book and showed it to the library in victory. Chuckling loudly, he shouted, "Hey, I found your book Twilight!" The motion of him being a total jackass caused him to tip back on top of the ladder, his arms making loops in the air as he stuttered in surprise.

His ensuing fall was inevitable and completely unavoidable.

As he lay there on the ground, writhing in pain, Fluttershy looked to Twilight quickly and asked, "Oh my gosh, why didn't you help him?!"

Fluttershy watched in confusion as Twilight stood smiling at the event, her face unchanging from the most stock looking open-mouth grin she had ever seen. Fluttershy's head turned toward Vanoss, who held his chest as he groaned loudly. Wildcat stood over him, laughing as hard as his pig body could handle. Though Spike was initially cautious of laughing it Vanoss' expense, seeing his new friend do so was enough to get him going.

"Hey, Spike?"

The dragon stopped what he was doing, still clutching his chest as he looked at Twilight.

"Why don't you take Vanoss and Wildcat upstairs and show them your rock collection?"

Spike rolled his eyes, a hand at his hip, "Lauren Faust, Twilight, they're minerals-"

"Whatever," she replied, waving a hoof disinterestedly, "go. Bring your friends up with you."

Wildcat walked past Spike with a simple and snarky, "C'mon man, let's leave the girls to their tea party."

Vanoss did the same as his pig friend, patting Spike on the side as he called, "Let's go, pal."

The purple drake groaned, but blew a raspberry afterward and followed them. As they disappeared up the staircase, Twilight looked from Fluttershy then to Delirious in silence. Waving a hoof with a giggle, she spoke, "Well, now that that's over, we can get back to what we were doing." Raising her tea cup to her lips, she spoke into the bottom of her cup, "Oh, have you heard what happened with Applejack's farm?"

Fluttershy gasped, almost dropping her mug, "No! What happened?"

Twilight replied, "Turns out she's in debt! She might lose Sweet Apple Acres to the bank!"

The yellow Pegasus gave a sorrowful expression, "Oh my gosh, that's so terrible! I hope that she gets it all cleared out-"

"It's been taken care of."

The two mares suddenly drew their heads back, looking at Delirious.

"Taken care of?" Twilight asked.

Delirious nodded.

"What do you mean, Delirious?"

Delirious gave them both casual, uncaring looks. Blinking, his eye remained half-lidded as he leaned forward and grabbed his now cool cup of tea. Holding it in a hoof, he looked from one mare to the other and quietly raised it to his lips. He spoke four simple words before drinking, "It's taken care of."

Twilight glanced at Fluttershy, who shrugged. She decided to return the gesture as Delirious lowered his cup. Clearing her throat, Fluttershy stuttered, "I-I hope so. It'd be horrible to see her lose it. She'd be torn..."

"Yeah, especially since she's seemed so happy recently... hey, Delirious."

His head snapped up at the catching of his name. Coughing, he looked around wildly and responded, "Uh, yeah?"

"Have you noticed that Applejack's been... happy lately? Like," Twilight leaned toward him, "really happy?"

"I don't know what you're talking about-"

Fluttershy interrupted, a hoof in the air, "Please, Twilight, I don't wanna hurt his feelings..."

"Oh it's alright, Fluttershy," Twilight replied, smiling at Delirious, "a little teasing never hurt anyone. Besides, I think he knows what we're talking about."

Delirious blinked.

Twilight grinned.

Delirious blinked.

Twilight grinned.

Delirious blinked.

Twilight grinned.

Delirious blinked.

Fluttershy blinked twice.

"What-"

"You and Applejack!" Twilight watched as Delirious narrowed his eye in response. Twilight grinned, laughing, "Oh c'mon, don't tell me you don't see it too!"

"Twilight, we don't really know if Rarity was telling the truth..."

The Alicorn tilted her head, shrugging, "I guess not. Still though, she seems a lot happier nowadays. Ever since you got here, she's been more... relaxed..." she turned toward Delirious, "if you didn't know before, Applejack is one of the hardest workers any of us have ever seen. She practically hates relaxation. You can see why she and Rarity butt heads a lot." She pointed at his mask. "But you. She's a lot happier around you from what Rarity says, and Rarity is really good at deciphering ponies."

"Twilight, this is just gossip, we can't be too sure..."

At that moment, the Alicorn held a hoof to her head as she winced. Shaking, she grit her teeth and sputtered, "I'm sorry... my head hasn't been feeling so well lately... I must be working too much.. heh, all these books must be hurting my brain to read day and night. Do you mind if I get some medicine really quick?"

Fluttershy and Delirious both swiftly replied, "No, that's fine."

Looking at one another, they didn't notice as Twilight left the room. Shrugging in unison, they drank from their tea cups in silence. Finishing his, Delirious lay back in his chair with a heavy sigh, completely bored with his current locale. His mind had been finalizing something for the past few minutes, and only now had it been resolved once and for all.

Tree houses were cool.

Literal tree houses were fucking boring.

He'd only been in this fucking place for about a few minutes now. He needed an excuse to get out. Curious as to what time it was, his eye widened as he took a spit-take, his tea becoming quick lovers with the wood by his hooves. Wiping his mouth, he suddenly realized that he hadn't been there for a few minutes.

He had left Saul's office at 11:15.

It was now 1:57.

Delirious got up, assisted by his now-fluttering wings. Coughing into a hoof, he grinned sheepishly at Fluttershy and accidentally cursed, "Fuck, I gotta go. Tell Twilight I'm sorry, my friends and I are gonna miss a... uh.. movie."

The mare gasped in shock at his word choice, moving her head and placing her mane in front of her eyes like a curtain. Biting her lower lip, she stuttered cutely, "Wh-What movie...?"

Delirious opened his mouth, a hoof in the air. His expression unchanging, he hummed loudly in a droned tone, "Uh......" Blue eye narrowed, then suddenly widened as he finalized, "Dick Chocolate." He suppressed the urge to laugh at the shy mare's repeated gasp. Waggling his eyebrows, he began to walk over to the staircase and raised a foreleg to his mouth. Looking up the spiral, he called, "Guys! Vanoss! Wildcat! We gotta go!"

Silence met his ears.

A voice came from behind him back at the couch.

"M-Maybe they're playing a-"

CLUNK

Delirious turned to his left casually, an unimpressed look on his face.

Wildcat and Vanoss slowly began to crawl out of the bathtub now lodged in the floor of the library. Blue eye looking up, he found Spike peering down at them through the tub-shaped hole above their heads. A smile on his face, he waved at Delirious.

Delirious waved back, blinking rapidly in an attempt to understand what exactly was happening.

"Holy shit, that was awesome!"

"My fuckin' ass hurts, Evan, you weren't the one sitting in the back. Your fat ass was sitting on my dick, and this tub is made out of fucking metal."

Vanoss looked back at it silently.

It looked as if a five year old filly had drawn it with their bad hoof on a piece of sand paper while on a busy wagon.

And the filly had severe arthritis. Vanoss turned to Wildcat and began to pick his nose. Though the pig attempted to step back, he visibly jumped as the expected booger landed on his chest. Wiping it off, he glared at Vanoss and challenged him. Opening his mouth, he tossed it in and chewed.

DarkSydePhil couldn't have made Vanoss cringe more.

"So Delirious, you gonna be able ta get home okay?"

Quick looked over at the Pegasus, who looked back at him with a large glare on his brow. When the Pegasus had arrived, he had been as clean as a whistle. But now, their mission complete, he looked as if he had been in the deepest, darkest pits of a rain-infested trench war. Though he looked, and probably felt like actual shit, his mood seemed to be unchanged from the silent one it was before they had started. Leaning forward in the light of the warehouse, he grabbed his gunny sack and turned tail to start heading off.

Quick watched him go quietly, but bit his lip violently and waved a hoof at him. "Hey, Delirious!"

The Pegasus stopped, but did not look at him.

Quick licked his lips, "If you ever need somepony for a job... you call me, alright?"

Delirious slowly turned his head, his body shadowed by the pitch-black color of the midnight sky. The single, surviving eye glared at Quick Time.

The Unicorn swore that it looked completely red. Delirious continued on, adjusting the large sack of bits over his back. Stalking past the rows of dead bodies lining the warehouse grounds, he stopped, lowered his body, and flared his wings. Jumping, he furiously flapped, looked to the sky, and flew away without another sound.

As he disappeared past the cover of the trees, Quick sighed heavily and about-faced to stare back into the building. The Earth pony in the middle of the spotlight continued to crawl away, a long streak of blood trailing behind him. Loud sputters and wails of pain echoed across the room, the two other ponies glaring down at the stallion with looks of disinterest.

Thundercloud grinned.

Danger Close tapped a hoof against the concrete.

Quick Time lit his horn, and the hood on his back went over his face. Chuckling darkly, he looked behind him, magicked the unloading door, and shut it closed.

The door slammed shut with a thunk. The trio gave long, dramatic sighs as they reveled in the peace and quiet that was actually fun. Delirious, still standing at the entrance, let his back collapse against the wooden surface. Slowly, he slid down and rubbed his face heavily with his hooves. As they looked at each other with expressions of relief, Delirious groaned, "Oh thank God man."

"Jesus, I thought they'd never stop."

"Delirious, did you know that there are, like, three thousand different kinds of minerals in the world?"

The Pegasus smacked his lips, a blank look on his face, "No-"

"Yeah, neither did I. Rocks are for fucking nerds."

Vanoss nudged the pig, "Jesus Christ, Wildcat, they're minerals-"

"Fuck you."

Delirious rose to his hooves, wiping the dust from them as he yawned. Stretching his aching muscles, he watched as Wildcat looked around the town with boredom. Eyes half-lidded, he appeared to be on the verge of falling asleep on the grass. Finished with his task, Delirious walked toward the pig and stopped mid-step as he sneered.

"Well, I'm officially bored as hell. Hope you had fun at your tea party, Delirious."

The Pegasus rolled his eye, then looked at Vanoss. For the second time that day, he was patting his stomach while blowing thousands of raspberries. Vanoss suddenly took notice of his one man crowd and stopped, eyes wide in embarrassment. Blinking, he coughed into a hoof and scratched the back of his neck. As the three slowly looked forward as one, the sun beat down on them with its worst barrage yet. Wildcat noticed it, cursing as he wiped his forehead.

Or, attempted to.

He instead banged his hoof on the helmet, rattling his skull.

Completely oblivious to their friends stupidity, Vanoss and Delirious scanned the town for anything to keep them interested. Scrunching his eyes, Vanoss leaned forward and pointed with a hoof. "Hey... you guys see that?" They nodded in response.

"You guys wanna check it out?"

Wildcat and Delirious looked at each other. Together, they shrugged. "Fuck it," they said simultaneously. Delirious flared his wings. Wildcat grabbed a hooful of Delirious' blue fur. Vanoss readied a fence nearby, his hammer and weight slamming the first post into the ground. Suffice to say, Wildcat and Delirious beat the Earth pony to the selected landmark, but Vanoss wasn't too far behind. As he coughed grass and dirt back into their homes, he joined his friends as they stared in awe at the store in front of them.

Foals R Us

"That's fucking bullshit-"

BOOSH

"Ah fuck!"

A green pony came sprinting out of the store, three large bags hovering next to him as he booked it. Exhaling heavily, he stumbled, twisted, and tripped over a loose piece of grass, his face smashing into the ground with enough force to break bone. As she shook his paper-bagged head, he looked to his right and scrambled for the items now lying in the grass. Cursing under his breath, he reached a hoof out to retrieve it, but watched in horror as the appendage suddenly gained a new bracelet.

As the police officer turned him over and grabbed at his other hoof, he began shouting at the top of his lungs.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT WASN'T ME!"

"Tell it to the judge, bucko."

The officer brought the pony up to his legs, beginning to drag him away. The thief suddenly turned to his left and spotted a trio of individuals looking at him. His eyes widened as he yelled through his paper bag.

"WAIT! WAIT I KNOW YOU GUYS! HELP ME! HELP!"

Pulling, he came loose of the police officer's grasp, practically throwing himself onto Wildcat. Holding his front leg like a child with his mother's skirt, he cried, "Tyler, Tyler please. You gotta help me! I can't go to prison! You know what happens in prison?!"

Wildcat stared ahead, as still as a statue.

The Unicorn looked at Delirious, "Delirious! For fuck's sake, we had an adventure together! We stole that tank from the fuckin' military!"

Delirious ignored him.

He finally looked at Vanoss, "Evan, please-"

"You little foal, stop resisting," the officer ordered, hastily shaking the bagged stallion from Wildcat's legs. Looking up at the pig, he apologized, "Sorry 'bout that sir," and tipped his blue cap. Wildcat nodded in response as the new prisoner was carried away. His screams could still be heard for miles as he was dragged to the jail.

"YOU ASSHOLLLLLLLLES!"

It was awhile before Delirious, Vanoss, and Wildcat looked at one another in silence.

A few ponies had joined them in watching the green pony leave, and now they were talking among themselves suspiciously. As the situation settled, the three slowly began to realize that something was up. Each knew that they were thinking about how long ago Wildcat had joined, and how long it had taken for... him to join. Something was up. Something was definitely up. Pretty soon, they realized, they wouldn't be bored as hell.

This gave them both excited eagerness and suspicious paranoia.

Looking at each other, they thought about what next to say to break the suspenseful silence.

It was Vanoss who stepped up.

"...holy shit, was that Nogla?"

Delirious walked forward, bending over to assess the heaps of items lying on the ground. The plastic bags had been carrying large stacks of golden bits, as was usual and common sense for any kind of robbery. But there was one more thing sitting in the sun, soaking up both the warmth of the celestial body and the dry bird dung underneath it. Reaching out with a hoof, Delirious grabbed one of the articles and glared at it in one hoof.

Slowly, he dangled the adult diaper in front of him, a look of absolute disgust present on his face.

Scrunching up his eye, he looked back at Wildcat and Vanoss and spoke one simple word.

"Yep."

He dropped the diaper onto the ground, then bent down and grabbed another item he had previously missed. Tossing it to himself, he heard Wildcat ask, "What the hell are we doing with that?"

Delirious turned on his wounded leg, grinning evilly. Casting a glance down at the can, he thrust it forward to show his friends.

They read it aloud.

"Bouncing Filly Irish Potato Food."

Delirious laughed darkly, a large simper on his face.

"We're gonna need this later."

Author's Note

10k words. There you go.

I'm gonna take a little break now, alright? I'm fucking tired. Hope it didn't fuck up this chapter, I'm really sorry if it did. Is it bad that I feel kind of horrible about this chapter? I wanted this 10k to be special, but I feel like it's not good at, like, all.

Oh yeah Nogla's here now too. Why and how did he get here so fast?

Something is coming, and it's big.

Small Jar

He gave the wall a kick, deepening the large dent already evident on its surface. Growling, he raised a foreleg, grit his teeth, and punched the brick, expecting it to break under his immense brute force and total coolness. Instead, he found himself crying in pain, his hoof going to his mouth as he sucked at the wound. Whimpering, he cursed under his breath.

"For fuck's sake..."

Flailing the injured hoof, he gingerly placed it back onto the concrete floor and began to pace back and forth in his cell. Stopping, he raised a leg and adjusted the paper bag still draped over his face. Now, taking away a prisoner's obsessions meant taking away all of the prisoner's obsessions... but... well... the Sheriff didn't really like what he had seen when he pulled the paper bag off.

Nogla had tried to tell him, but the stupid bastard hadn't listened.

As the Sheriff vomited profusely on the floor, Nogla had decided to make a break for it. Turns out, the Sheriff had somehow acquired a gun from some Blue Menace who had been there earlier, and now Nogla had an extra hole in his paper bag. Reminding himself of this incident, he stood still as he replaced his paper bag with another, then switched back. His signature mask now refreshed, he growled and looked at the cell door and looked it up and down.

Narrowing his brown eyes, he crept toward it, patted it with a hoof, and tested its strength.

Durable as fuck.

He grumbled something to the floor, then glared back up to face the cell bars. Raising his hooves, he rattled them.

"Hey, quiet down back there you scumbag-"

"Hey, fuck you!" Nogla pointed a hoof down the hallway, just imagining the look on the Sheriff's face. "I bet you molest kids you creepy fuck!"

A chair creaked loudly... and slowly, in the distance.

"...what'd you just say to me?"

Nogla grinned, an idea forming in his head. "I said that you're a fuckin' child mol-"

DING

Nogla blinked as if caught by surprise. Which he was. Shut up. That's storytelling asshole-

Frowning, he fell to his haunches, scratched his neck, and reached a hoof to his crotch. Fiddling around in there, he pulled his iFruit phone out and raised it to eye level. Glaring, he strained his eyes in an attempt to see through the bright screen. He pressed a hoof to the surface, hearing the click as he found his messages. He was completely dumbfounded at having actually received one. Last time he was in prison, they didn't have good reception.

There were too many busy men anyway.

Bringing the phone closer to his face, he read what had been sent to him.

I AM WILDCAT

r u out of prison yet u dumb fuck

Tapping the inside of his bottom lip, he looked to the ceiling with a groan. He frowned at what he had seen, and stuffed his phone back into his dick. He hissed, "Asshole." Getting off the ground, he turned around and suddenly found a beam of sunlight leaking into his cell. Eyes widening, he practically flew to the sill and clasped his hooves around the iron bars. Poking his muzzle through the confinements, he ignored the rustling of his now-straining bag and scanned the area.

Ponies here and there were busy enjoying their day in the hot sun, chatting among themselves idly as they went about their daily routines. Some ponies bought flowers, some bought water and food. Some were currently sitting at a cafe, and some were walking around with seemingly no drive whatsoever. Damn ponies.

Nogla huffed, banging a hoof on the bars as he settled back down to the ground. His haunches supported him for about five seconds before they gave way, his body now falling backward. Landing with a loud thud, the Unicorn spread his forelegs and stared at the light above his head. Nipping audibly, his mind stayed silent for an impressive amount of time that amounted to a quarter of a second, then caved in as his eyes widened once more.

Scrambling to his hooves, he looked at the ceiling with adoration. Clearing his throat, he looked to his right and trotted toward the bed. Lifting the sheet, he tilted his head to look for anything left over from any previous cell occupants. Ears flattening against his head, he dropped the mattress, his mission futile. Mouthing a quick, "Whatever," he grabbed hold of the bed and pulled. It was only a few minutes later that Nogla realized that the bed was bolted to the ground and the brick wall next to it.

He wiped his brow anyway, dismissing his stupidity.

"For fuck's... ugh."

Placing his forelegs against the mattress, he mounted the bed and turned around like a dog in its basket. Pawing at the sheets, he looked up and toward the center of the room, spying what had caught his attention. Wiggling his rump, he narrowed his eyes and flung himself at the object in question...

...only to crumble back onto the concrete floor, his limbs splaying in awkward positions as he moaned in anguish into the ground. His own voice vibrating his eardrums, his brown eyes darted back upward and found it glaring brightly at him. The single ceiling lamp shined a light on the many dust particles floating about from his previous action. Gasping for breath, he got to his hooves and shook his head. He wasn't giving up that easily. Fuck prison.

He walked toward the bed again and got atop it. Repeating his previous dog-like maneuver, he crouched, stuck his tongue out, and immediately cringed at the taste of paper. Sputtering in disgust, he wiped his mask and his face and resumed what he was doing. Breathing a small portion of air out, he jumped.

His hooves scrambled atop the ceiling light, his whole body now dangling from its form and causing it to cast a dancing illumination around his cell. Working his way up, he coiled his hindlegs around the lamp and sheepishly looked to the ground, the post creaking loudly into his ears, now the only noise in the entire universe.

It was quickly replaced by the lamp, and Nogla, falling to the ground in a heap. The light bulb shattered on impact, giving proper cushion for Nogla's landing. Biting his lower lip in an attempt to stop the curse on his tongue, he quickly and painfully rolled over, a foreleg going to his back and pushing the broken glass off his fur. Shakily rising, he cast a glance to the ground and immediately avoided a fall to the floor, noticing a particular shard.

Picking it up quickly, he held it in both hooves and chuckled. It looked strikingly like the blade of a Bowie knife, and completely surprised Nogla. The rear end was chipped and jagged, and oh so perfect. Turning tail, the Unicorn sprinted to the cell door and slid across the concrete floor, his new knife in hoof. Placing it against the door, he began to slide it back and forth at a rapid pace. Sticking his tongue out, he went faster, sawing away at salvation.

To his utter shock, it began to actually work.

Out of breath, he barely sputtered out a dumbfounded, "Holy shit..." and continued working aggressively. Obviously, his lamp breaking had caused quite a racket, and he wasn't the only one who had heard it. He wasn't even aware of the stallion standing on the opposite side of the bars until he cleared his throat. Nogla slowly looked up, finding the blue eyes of the local Sheriff glaring at him. He blinked.

His next trick was to get out of the hoofcuffs now slapped onto his left leg. Groaning, he shook it and in turn shook the pipe it was connected to. His now-sweating back rested against the brick wall, and he swore to God that he would kill that fucking Sheriff when he got out that stupid son of a bitch I bet he doesn't even like potatoes goddamn Commie bastard.

Grumbling a curse to himself, Nogla looked to his left and watched as the hoofcuffs rattled with his leg once more. He hummed, then pressed his spine into the wall and shakily rose to his hooves. His leg aching, he turned around in his cell and pulled his offended hoof toward his chest. The pipe stayed where it was, and, consequently, so did he. Nogla licked his lips, dropped his cuffed leg onto the pipe, and prepared himself to yank it backward.

He stopped, rotating the appendage. The cuff was about a few inches larger than his leg was.

The smell of alcohol reached his nose from the hallway.

Nogla blinked.

Simply pulling his hoof out of the hoofcuffs, he stepped backward and threw his hooves into his face, dragging them down his cheeks and creating large, ugly valleys in both his even uglier face and his saving grace bag mask. Looking to the ceiling, he quickly pulled out his phone and tapped on it, heading to Contacts. Scrolling down, he pressed the tip of his hoof on Wildcat's name and raised the phone to his ear, the usual alarm ringing.

"Pick up the focking phone you stupid pig."

The cell continued to ring.

"I swear to God Tyler, I'm gonna fucking-"

"Hello? Hello, hello?"

"Tyler! Holy shit! Help me! You gotta rescue me, Tyler! I'm at the prison, you gotta get me out man-"

"Hello? I can't hear you."

Nogla grumbled, falling to his haunches and adjusting his grip on the phone. "Tyler, can you hear me-"

"I can't hear you, you're gonna have to speak up dumbass."

The Unicorn grasped the phone with his other hoof as well, now looking like a lonely Hawaiian girl with a sketchy-as-fuck pet alien, "Tyler are you focking kidding me?"

A short laugh sounded from the phone. "You stupid bitch, you've been talking to the machine this whole time. Hey, you wanna leave a message after you're done being so stupid?"

BEEP

Nogla blinked.

He didn't even care about how loud the sound of his phone shattering against the wall was.

Meanwhile, Vanoss sat against a tree, patting his belly. He opted to wear his owl mask, feeling slightly left out since his three other friends were constantly wearing their own. Bobbing his head to an imaginary doo-dah, he looked to his right and didn't move an inch as a loud explosion pierced the heavens. A low clacking followed it, and then was replaced by yet another explosion. Vanoss chuckled to himself, throwing his foreleg into the tree to his back.

Throwing a hoof into the air, he smirked as an apple dropped into his outstretched leg. Beginning to munch on it, he spoke with his mouth full of red delicious, "Hey, Delirious."

"Whaaaaat?"

"You suck."

"Fuck you." He returned to what he was doing. An explosion rang out.

Vanoss leaned forward, upward, and then resumed his prior position. Blowing a raspberry, he insulted Delirious, "You're off by, like, fifteen miles."

"Fuck you, Vanoss."

Vanoss laughed, eating his apple. A low pattering met his ears, and he looked to his left to find Wildcat walking up to them, a bored expression on his pig face. Wiping his face with a hoof, he rattled the helmet atop his head and yawned.

"So guys? Shouldn't we go, like, get Nogla anytime soon?"

Vanoss blinked from underneath his mask.

Delirious turned, slowly settling the marksman rifle onto the grass.

The two stared at Wildcat, blank looks on their faces.

"....no."

Wildcat shrugged, "Alright, cool. Hey Evan, toss me an apple you fat fuck."

Author's Note

I was gonna name this one It's All Over But The Crying, but then I realized that I'm not writing a Fallout story.

Yet. I've got plans in the future when the next one comes out in November. :ajsmug: Also holy shit there's a heat wave up here in Alaska, bunch of forest fires and shit a little ways north of my town. Hopefully it doesn't spread over here. That little break I said I was on last time seemed a lot longer to me.

G.F.Y.

Nogla was tired. Lulling his tongue out, he sat on his haunches and breathed heavily into the confinements of his cell. Shuddering, he looked up and growled at the cell door. The marks from his sawing still remained, a friendly reminder that he had fucked up. The lamp and all of its shards were now sitting inside the Sheriff's office, most likely in the dumpster that collected whiskey bottles as well. The chains holding up his bed were completely bolted to the wall, not even the most vigorous of shaking able to shake them loose. Nogla groaned and gave his door one more punch.

Dropping his bloodied hoof to the ground, he bit on his lip and attempted to brave the excruciating pain. He failed miserably and shouted.

"MOTHERFUCKER."

He fell to his haunches at that, holding his injured hoof up to examine it with scrunched eyes. Cooing at the appendage, he didn't notice the presences sitting in his window and completely blocking his sunlight. Still watching his hoof, he jumped and yelped at the sound of something hitting the floor next to him. Turning his head, he found a fuming canister sitting by his side. Scrambling backward, he involuntarily raised a hoof to his mouth as he coughed loudly.

"What the fuck?!"

His back hitting the side of his bed, he watched as the tear gas dissipated, leaving his cell as the grenade died down.

All was still.

Nogla shook his head, mouthing a statement of complete mindfuck.

A dozen more sounds pinged into his ears, accompanying the cans clattering in front of him, each fuming with tear gas. Unable to escape them, he placed his hooves over his bag and attempted to tighten it around his neck. What he didn't account for was the eyeholes that he was fucking looking through 24/7, the irises underneath now bleeding salt as he fell to his side and began shouting in pain...

...which really didn't amount to much, the sound coming out more as a dying sea lion on a rock fitted with iron needles. Barely able to see through the tears in his eyes, he heard the unmistakable sound of metal falling to concrete followed by a loud thump that signified someone entering. Nogla prayed it was the Sheriff coming to investigate the noise.

Little did he realize that the Sheriff was drunk, his eyes wandering his Playcolt magazine.

The gas filling the air, Nogla was unable to hear what the pony in front of him said, muffled by the gas mask he was wearing. By now, his eyes were puffy and scratchy, and the Unicorn soon found himself being dragged out by his hindlegs, kicking and screaming all the while. His hooves flailed wildly in an attempt to grab onto something, but as he held the bed post, a blunt object slapped him on the offending foreleg, causing him to let go immediately with a cry of agony.

Shouting as loudly as he could, he felt a pair of hooves coil around his stomach, tighten, then disappear before he landed on what he assumed to be grass. Hearing a rustling behind him, he was about to ask what had just happened when thousands of weapons began to wail on him with the weight of a thousand fuckbots. Holding his hooves over his head, he waited for the pain to stop.

Unfortunately for Nogla, his saviors were seriously enjoying themselves with their activity.

The baseball bat swung. The nightstick landed. The hammer crushed.

Vanoss tossed his gas mask to the ground, laughing loudly as he continued to throw all his weight into his hammer. Wildcat was crouched down, constantly whacking the frightened Unicorn like a crazed murderer. Said crazed murderer was swinging his baseball bat like a sledgehammer, hearing the familiar sounds of meat being pushed and beat. All three beat the shit out of the bagged Unicorn with smiles on their faces and springs in their steps.

It was about half an hour later when they stopped one by one.

They frowned at the disappearing body by their hooves.

Wildcat looked at Delirious, "Fuck."

"Where's he spawning?" Vanoss asked, head swiveling about in a panic.

Delirious scrunched his eyes, leaned to his right, and suddenly pointed toward a small field a couple yards away. Nogla appeared, shaking his head as he stepped around in a panic. "There! There!" A quick nudge to his side made him turn to his right. Vanoss held up a frag grenade, a wide smile present on his face. Delirious laughed darkly, pulling out his baseball bat. Vanoss tossed the explosive to himself for two seconds before chucking it into the air with a cheerfully scary shout.

"Batter up!"

Delirious steadied his bat, placed it on his shoulder, and swung as the grenade flew down in front of him. As the bat smacked loudly from the effort, he watched as the grenade flew like an arrow toward Nogla where it promptly clocked him in his skull and onto the ground in a cold heap. As he moved about on the ground, the area around him was enveloped in a large, bright orange and yellow flower with a bellowing from hell accompanying it.

The three whooped to the air, turning to each other and clapping hooves.

"Fuck yeah!"

Delirious lowered his bat, lungs stabbing him from inside, "Adversaries purified, you fuckin' bitch!" The three held their shit together long enough for them to start walking toward Nogla, who lay still on the ground in the middle of a jet black sun. Small trails of smoke flew from the area, surrounding the Unicorn as he groaned to the clouds hanging above his head. As three approached, Nogla raised his bagged head off the ground and went wide-eyed at their approach.

Scrambling around on the floor, he rose to his hooves with the likeness of a sheepish child and reached toward his crotch to pull out his heavy pistol. Bringing it up, he aimed at the three, who stepped back slightly as he waved it at them like a broomstick. "Step the fuck back, assholes! Don't make me fockin' shoot you!"

"Ngaaaaaaah!"

Nogla went down, a cyan blur tackling and rolling with him on the grass. As Nogla raised his hooves to his head, the cocking of a gun reached his ears, and he cursed loudly as Rainbow Dash pointed his own pistol at his face. Her chest rising and falling rapidly, she looked to Delirious, Wildcat, and Vanoss, grinning ear to ear, "Holy hay! Did you guys see that?!"

They nodded, shouting their approval as they walked up to the mare. As she got off to cheering, Vanoss patted her on the side and complimented, "You kicked his ass! Look at him, crying like a god damn baby down there-"

"Go fuck yourself Evan."

Vanoss struck a cocky pose, his owl mask suddenly appearing on his head. Stepping a forehoof onto Nogla's back and effectively knocking him to the floor, he threw a hoof to the air and shouted, "Defeated is the monster! The Night Owl reigns supreme!" Delirious and Wildcat slowly clapped from the sideline. Vanoss swore he could feel the sun brightening behind his back. As if to thwart him, Rainbow Dash pushed him off with a laugh, holding the heavy pistol out to Vanoss.

Catching the sight, he happily said, "Oh, thanks," retrieved it, cocked the slide back, and fired three rounds into Nogla's head in the span of two seconds. Still holding it out as the barrel smoked, a cricket chirped in the distance.

Elsewhere, Pinkie Pie wondered why she was making cricket noises in the middle of the desert. Looking at her bearded companion, she watched as he adjusted his cap and simply said, "Whatever."

Vanoss turned his masked face to Rainbow Dash, then flinched his body to emphasize unspoken words. Rainbow blinked at a mile a minute, completely stunned by how fast she had just seen someone get killed. Clearing her throat, she raised a hoof to talk to Vanoss, only to find him gone as she was interrupted anyway.

"Oh, there y'all are, Delirious."

The stallion turned.

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle calmly trotted toward the group, their Crusader capes fluttering in the low wind. Stopping as one in front of Delirious, Apple Bloom reached into the saddlebag on her side, her hoof coming back out with a red bundle. "Here," she said, tossing it to him. Catching it, he unfurled it and frowned at his cape. Blinking at Bloom, she continued, "Got some Crusadin' ta do. Ain't much time left 'fore sundown."

"What makes you think I wanna go?"

"Well, Ah... hey, who's that?"

Delirious looked to where the filly was pointing.

Vanoss currently held Nogla in a chokehold, his hoof connecting with the Unicorn's face in a childish manner. Nogla cursed like a sailor, unable to detach himself from the psychopathic owl. Delirious raised a brow from under his mask, "You already know Vanoss..."

"Hey!" Sweetie Belle called, stamping a hoof on the ground.

Vanoss looked up. As did Nogla. The hoof stopped hitting him.

"Put him down!"

Vanoss stared for a brief second, then delivered one final blow into Nogla's skull. "Hey, you fucker!" Nogla said, his voice muffled by the hoof covering his mouth. The Unicorn scrambled free, dusting himself off as he growled, "Asshole..." The bagged stallion looked at Sweetie Belle, who smiled up at him and asked him a simple question that he never thought he would have ever gotten.

"What's your name?"

Nogla blinked.

And blinked again.

"Uh... I'm Nogla. Who are you?"

Delirious, Wildcat, and Vanoss all gave a collective sigh, knowing that their friend now had immunity. Sitting on their haunches in tandem, they frowned at nothing in particular together.

"I'm Sweetie Belle!" The filly pointed a hoof at the orange filly next to her, "That's Scootaloo," and then waved the hoof at the earth pony, "and that's Apple Bloom."

The three nodded to each other, then struck a pose with their hooves pointing outward. Smiling they exclaimed, "We're the Cutie Mark Crusade-"

"Wow, that's pretty fuckin' lame."

An immediate response hit him, courtesy of the orange filly quickly trotting toward him, "Oh yeah? Coming from the guy with a freakin' potato as his Cutie Mark. What'd you get that for, spooning a spud?" A low calling increased in volume, the three stallions on the sideline pumping their hooves in the air.

"Oooooh!"

"Ah shit son!"

"You fuckin' got 'im!"

Scootaloo fell to her haunches, forelegs crossed with a sly grin.

Nogla raised a brow, then turned his head and his body to look at his ass. Indeed, a cartoonish, brown potato sat on his flank. He smiled, gasping at the discovery, "Oh! Oh wouldja look at that!" His eyes went up to Delirious, then to his flank. Noting its bareness, Nogla shouted, "Hah hah! Fuck you Delirious! I got a tramp stamp before you did!"

Delirious cowered, his tail whipping to his side and covering his blank flank as he shook. Blue irises darting around, he stuttered, "Sh-Shut up bitch."

Nogla adjusted his bag, still laughing at his friend's expense, "Alright, cool." His eyes returned to Delirious, then wandered up and down before he asked, "What's with the cape?"

The Pegasus raised it, looking at it in kind. A green aura enveloped it, levitating back into Apple Bloom's bag, the filly giving a long sigh as she spoke, "Thanks Sweetie Belle." She turned to Delirious, and added, "Doesn't matter now anyway. Lunch break's over-"

"Dammit!" was the reply as Wildcat, Vanoss, and Delirious fell to the ground in despair. Groaning audibly, they moaned, "Fuckin' missed lunch." They lifted their heads, pointed their hooves, and shouted simultaneously, "Fuck you Nogla!"

Rainbow Dash and the Crusaders blinked at the three on the ground before looking to Nogla, who waved a hoof innocently. Scootaloo's eyes wandered, before landing on a shrub sitting nearby. Leaning over, she broke off a branch, held her hoof back, and flung it at Delirious.

"Ow what the fuck?"

"C'mon. Harvest's almost over. Not much left ta do."

"What's in it for us?" Wildcat asked immediately.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, then shrugged, "Oh, just a big dinner tonight ta celebrate. Nothin' too-"

Three dust clouds emerged from where the three had previously lay. The five ponies turned around and watched as the pig, the Pegasus, and the Earth pony sprinted to Sweet Apple Acres. The Earth pony tripped in the distance, then brought out a bottle and threw it at the Pegasus. The Pegasus then fell to the floor, the Earth pony taking his place.

The mares turned back to Nogla.

"You wanna come, too?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Sure."

They turned tail and began the walk to the farm. As Apple Bloom closed her saddlebags with her tail, Rainbow Dash looked back at Nogla from a few feet up, a look of confusion on her face.

"So... what's with the bag?"

Nogla shivered.

"We don't talk about it."

Rainbow shrugged, resuming her lazy hover.

"Whatever."

Alabama

Gauze was a bitch to work with. Bandages were a bitch to use. And hydrogen peroxide?

Don't get him fucking started.

Late that night, Delirious found himself working with all three in rapid succession of one another. The wrappings around his foreleg needed to be replaced, and it was also late that night that Delirious remembered this fact. So, sitting on the front porch of Sweet Apple Acres' farmhouse, Delirious sat on his haunches and bandaged his wounds once again. Mentally berating himself for getting the injuries in the first place, he fixed himself up in the silence of the night.

The feast had ended a little over an hour ago, both parties returning to their respective homes newly fattened from hay bacon, apples, apple pies, and apple cider. The dinner had apparently been only a small part of the actual meal, mostly being overshadowed by the Godly dessert of pure Sweet Apple Acres delight. Delirious fucking loved food, but a likewise small part of him told him to shut the fuck up and enjoy the practically orgasmic pies and cider.

The cider, though not alcoholic, was still really tasty, and Delirious quite honestly wished he could steal a barrel or two. He'd probably do so anyway with Wildcat's help, then blame solely him for it when they were caught. It would work. It always did.

It wasn't like the pig and the others hadn't done a bank heist without him a little over a month prior. Dicks.

He needed money too.

A light sting caught his attention in the blink of an eye, and he seethed at the source when he noticed that his new wrapping of gauze had been rubbing his wound back and forth as he thought. Biting his lower lip, he raised it, centered it, and lowered the roll once more before he began to wrap his foreleg back up. The slightly audible sound of the gauze layering over his leg, Delirious began to hum a tune to himself quietly, so as to not disturb the family currently sleeping in the living room, draped over couches and chairs with enough laziness to battle Rainbow Dash, who just so happened to be sleeping on the floor by Big Macintosh.

Yeah, the party was pretty rough for everyone involved.

The mask tilted downward to look at the bandaging. Humming, Delirious raised his mask up and threw his mouth forward, biting the roll of gauze off with a toothy grasp. Placing it by his side, he tested one leg as he brought the other up, putting his signature mask back down onto his face. Feeling it fit back into position, he brought his renewed foreleg up and eyed it carefully. Ensuring it was perfect - or in his case a C minus - he shrugged and looked to the ground at his right.

Picking up a roll of duct tape, he let the thing loose and laughed at its loud outburst. Getting about enough to cover his leg once, he cut it off with his teeth and wrapped it. He nodded to himself happily as he pushed all his weight into the hoof, finding it secure. A smile began to form on his lips, and he reached toward his crotch to retrieve a weapon.

"Hey Sugarcube."

The hoof flailed uselessly, then slammed against the wooden floor with a thud. Grinning through the pain, Delirious turned his head to Applejack casually. "Oh, hey."

Applejack smiled, walking to his side. Green eyes flitted downward, eyeing up Delirious' new gauze wrap. She pointed a hoof at it with a whistle from her lips, "Ah see ya did your leg again. How'd it go?"

Delirious sucked in his bottom lip, replying, "Uh, fine."

She gave a short laugh, suddenly holding his leg up in a hoof, "Now Sugarcube, y'all may not know this, but Ah'm the Element of Honesty," she looked the appendage up and down and blew a raspberry, "which basically means that Ah can tell y'all're bullshittin' me." Delirious laughed with her as she stepped forward to lean against the front post by the staircase. Turning her head, Applejack asked, "What did y'all even use fer alcohol?"

Her answer was given, and very simple.

Delirious sat quietly, leaning backward as a hoof poured a large bottle of beer down his throat. His gulps sounding out very audibly in her head, Applejack raised an amused brow his way as he all but threw the bottle back down to his stomach. One hoof stood on the ground behind him, he looked over at Applejack and burped loudly. Smacking his lips at her expression that screamed really?, Delirious tilted his head and shrugged.

As the mare rolled her eyes and turned back around, the distinct sound of wood rustling met her ears, and so out of the corners of her eyes Delirious came, standing on the opposite side of the porch with the bottle in his hooves. Looking over, Applejack took notice of said bottle, eyeing it up like a piece of candy. Giving him a curious glance, she asked, "What's that yer drinkin' then? If it ain't Sweet Apple Ale, y'all can take it off my farm."

Delirious replied quickly, "Do you know how many guns I have, Applejack?"

"Y'all wouldn't use 'em against me. We have knives, Delirious."

"Pfft, I can dodge knives. I did it while I was flyin', too."

"Y'all didn't answer the question."

She watched as he scrunched an eye and brought the bottle to eyesight. Raising it up, he rotated it in a hoof and hummed. Letting it go and spinning it, he caught it once more and glared at the cover. "Uh... Pißwasser." Applejack gave him an odd look. He added, "Literally means piss water."

"Ugh, cheap stuff? Why would ya drink that-"

"No, I mean it's literally made from people's piss," Delirious snorted, beginning to chuckle as he finished in response to Applejack's suddenly disgusted look. As she flattened her lips in a spectacular attempt to show disapproval, Delirious brought the bottle to his lips and drank a swig. Stopping, he let out a long breath and raised it up an inch, commenting, "It's fuckin' good."

"Y'all're an animal, ya know that?"

Delirious smirked, then drank again. As he did so, a quick movement caused him to stop the flow of alcohol. Just as he was about to lower the bottle, something grabbed at it and pulled it from his grasp. As he cursed in a hushed tone, Delirious stumbled as he watched Applejack swirl his drink around twice, hum a short note, and delightfully bring it to her lips without a word. Her throat bobbing up and down as she chugged, Applejack paid no mind to Delirious' unblinking expression. Less than ten seconds later, Applejack threw the bottle down and gasped for air.

Delirious looked at her as she raised the Pißwasser bottle up to him like it was a toast in his honor. "Huh. You fuckin' downed that shit-"

"Ah did."

"You uh," he scratched the back of his head, "you want some more?"

Applejack pursed her lips.

She gazed down at the bottom of the glass.

She responded, "Buck it."

"I don't have any buckets, Applejack-"

"Shut up an' get me another beer you Gods damned dildo smoker."

Delirious choked immediately. Coughing out a couple lungs, he reached toward his crotch and found another beer. Taking it out, he popped the bottle cap off, pocketed it for the apocalypse, and tossed it to Applejack, who caught it in her teeth and instantly began to drink. As he pulled one out for himself, he opened it and mused, "I really wish that Wildcat didn't fuckin' teach you that one..."

"Ah like it. True to life-"

"Fuck you."

"Not just yet, Sugarcube. Y'all bought me a drink though, Ah guess you're on your way." As she looked down at the bottle, silence took the two over for about a couple seconds, before a thought sprang to mind and Applejack spoke once again, "Hey, Delirious?"

"Yeah?"

"How exactly do ya drink through that mask of yours?"

Delirious' eyes went wide. He blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.

"I have no fuckin' clue."

Applejack laughed, "Ah thought as much." She turned back to face the vast landscape in front of her, eyes reflecting her precious farm land. The moon shone down on it from above, highlighting the trees and crops in a bright, beautiful white light.

Surprisingly, there were no Lion King references made at that moment.

Delirious would later think about this and mentally kick himself. But for now, there was an orange mare currently drinking beer in front of him. And she wasn't insulting him. Or killing him. Fuck it. Tilting his head back, he chugged. To be completely honest, Pißwasser was completely shitty, and hailed from Liquor Hole back in Los Santos. Still got him drunk though, so it was definitely worth having to taste it for a couple drinks or so. After awhile it would fade to sludge and that was good enough for him.

Drunk was drunk.

Speaking of which...

Delirious turned his head and looked at Applejack, who stood against the railing with her front hooves propped over the top. A smile on her face, she stared straight ahead into the night with the bottle sitting on the wood at ear level to her right. It was half full. Her chest rose, then fell after two seconds. Slowly, she turned her head toward Delirious and spoke, "Ah tell you that we're outta debt, Delirious?"

His heart stopped and then started a moment later. Delirious coughed, speaking immediately after, "Oh, really huh?"

"Yup. Went into the bank today an' they told us."

"Huh," Delirious said, turning tail and placing his back against the post, "where'd the money come from?"

Applejack chuckled, "Well, apparently, our Great Aunt Burgundy or somethin' died. Ah ain't ever heard that name, so Ah feel kinda rude ta say it doesn't affect me too much. Ah mean, death is death, but if it's somepony you never knew it doesn't really matter if they had no effect on you. Like, Burgundy? Ah know that's not the right name, but it sure as hay ain't somepony Ah'd see being the sister of Granny's mother." Applejack took a few seconds to drink from her Pißwasser, then sighed. "Ah dunno. Ah'm just happy we're out of our debt now."

"Yeah, I'm happy too."

"You are?" Applejack asked, turning to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," Delirious said, raising his beer, "that means I don't have to worry about not getting a reward for doing your work for the past few days." A grin plastered on his lips, he took a swig as Applejack rolled her eyes playfully.

"Well, ya know Ah could just forfeit what Ah promised. And kick you outta the barn. Your friends can stay though." Applejack gave Delirious a shit-eating smile. Delirious frowned heavily, pouting his lower lip as he grumbled obscenities to himself. Ears perking up, he moved around to look for the origin of the noise that had disturbed him. Looking down, he watched as a brown and white dog suddenly sprang up the steps. Stopping, it panted and shook the mud off its body clumsily.

"Oh, hey Winona! Where've ya been, girl?"

BARK!

Delirious asked, "Y'all have a dog?"

"For all this time spent on the farm, y'all haven't even seen Winona? Not in the fields?" He shook his head. "Not in the barn?" Again. "Not ever, anywhere?" Once more. "Well, Ah suggest you get glasses or somethin' then. Ah'm a little concerned that you'd miss somethin' as adorable as Winona here." Green eyes went down to the dog, who barked into them with glee. Applejack rolled her eyes, then reached a hoof down to muss up Winona's fur.

Looking back up at Delirious, she gave a sheepish grin and claimed, "Sorry, Ah love dogs."

Delirious snorted, "Dogs are fuckin' awesome."

"You're Gods damned right they are," Applejack said with a happy nod. Chortling as Winona pawed at her side, Applejack looked at the drink in her hoof and rotated it. She hummed a brief tune, then raised it up and downed it in one final gulp. Giving a relaxing sigh, she waved it at Delirious and spoke, "Here ya go."

The Pegasus barely caught it. Giving her a glance, Delirious questioned, "What, already done?"

"Ah get tipsy after two. Ah gotta get up early tomorrow to start working again," Applejack responded, beginning to step toward the front door.

"Work? We just finished the Harvest, I thought."

Applejack gave a feigned groan, then winked at him, "Apples grow every day, Delirious. There's always work to be done somewhere." Looking down at Winona, she gave the dogs side a few pats and said, "Let's go pal." The farmpony reached for the door handle, but stopped as she heard a simple insult.

"Lightweight."

Turning back, slowly, Applejack gave Delirious a wide-mouthed glare. Licking her lips, she gave him a simper and simply replied, "Fuck you, Delirious." Reaching for the door knob, she opened the entrance and added, "G'night Sugarcube," before disappearing into the household. Delirious stood silently for a few minutes of his time, then about-faced and walked off the front porch. Stuffing the three bottles into his crotch, he walked toward the barn with the intention of getting some sleep.

He stopped.

A light was on.

Cracking the barn door open, he peeked inside and found an absolutely horrid sight.

Vanoss, Nogla, and Wildcat sat at a bale of hay, cards in their hooves and on their makeshift table in stacks. Opening it just a few more inches, Delirious watched as all three of his friends turned toward him and collectively smiled. They weren't insulting him. They weren't killing him. Vanoss waved a hoof at him, calling, "Delirious! Come play some Go Fish with us!"

"Yeah! Kick ass!"

"I'm still winning!"

"Fuck you Nogla."

The Unicorn adjusted the bag atop his head. The pig fixed his helmet. "Hey Tyler, you have any three's?"

Wildcat held his cards up, leaning back in his seat so that Nogla couldn't see. From where Delirious was at - currently walking toward the three - he could clearly see a deck of three's. After humming audibly to himself, Wildcat shrugged and placed a hoof behind the back of his head, "Go fuck yourself, Go Fish Nogla."

"You're fucking cheating you asshole-"

"Oh am I you son of a bitch?"

By now, both had risen from their seats.

Vanoss took a few cautious steps back.

Delirious smiled deeply.

Home sweet home.

Author's Note

I had to. I fucking had to I couldn't help myself. Plus it's a bit of a reference to the eventual Fallout 4 fic I'm gonna make. Can't wait for that shit. :pinkiehappy:

Out On The Town And Probably Dead Soon

"You're fat, Delirious."

"Fuck you."

Vanoss returned to eating his banana, his owl mask staring angrily out at the park stretching for yards in front of them. The noise of foals running around and parents trying to calm them the fuck down came to them, a familiar sound thanks to the complete stupidity and chaos that was Los Santos. To be honest, they were just surprised that the parents weren't shoving piss beer down their throats and watching sex-hating teenagers raid high schools with super powers.

Shit was pretty rad though.

Delirious, meanwhile, was stuffing his face full of a cheeseburger that was by now halfway finished. This realization hitting him, his ears laid back and he sighed in dismay, the burger sitting in his two hooves in front of his blue eyes. A groan escaping his throat, he looked at Vanoss and knit his brow, "Hey Vanoss."

"What?"

The Pegasus leaned forward on the park bench and wiped his mouth with a hoof. Pointing with it, he asked, "What uh, what are you eating there?"

Vanoss blinked. Chewing for a second in silence, he swallowed and spoke, "A banana. I know it's not what you're used to, since dicks aren't really colored like this-"

"Fuck you, that was below the belt."

"So are those guys dicks and you still-"

Delirious snarled, "I hope you know I don't give a fuck about killing you in a crowded playground, Vanoss." A hoof slowly went to hover over his crotch. "I'll shank your ass right now."

"You're fat. You couldn't stab shit, Delirious." Vanoss cocked his head and gave a shrug, "I mean, damn man, would you really want your next victims to see you in action?" He threw a hoof at the playground when Delirious gave him a confused glance. It immediately transformed into one of anger. The hoof felt around for a weapon, but his eyes caught sight of his burger. Blinking at it, he growled down in his throat and picked it back up from his side. Beginning to eat it once more, he listened to Vanoss as he spoke, "So man, what do you wanna do today?"

Delirious searched through his mind, then replied, "We could get some fast food."

"We literally just ate," Vanoss groaned, getting up from the seat, "besides, I know what happened last time with Apple Bloom at that Hayburger place."

"How could you?" Delirious asked, crossing his forelegs, "You were too busy tryin' ta get into Banana Split's pants for workin' for her." Raising his brow up sarcastically, he finished it with a spat, "Bitch."

"Really? You think I wanted to fuck a horse, Delirious? I'm not you Delirious, and she's not Applejack-"

Delirious' heart stopped for a very brief moment before he leaned back, gave Vanoss a calm look, and responded, "It's nice to be nice to the person who's giving you food and a house, asshole." Hearing no response from Vanoss, who looked around and stretched, Delirious got up from his seat as well, food bin atop his outstretched wing. Walking along the concrete sidewalk and toward the nearby trash can, he threw the lid open and dumped his wings contents inside. Wiping some leftover grease off his feathers, he trotted back to his friend and clawed at an eye with a hoof, "Fuck, where the hell did Nogla and Wildcat go?"

"Think they said something about getting ice cream. I dunno."

Following Vanoss as he began to walk, Delirious looked to the sunny sky and cursed, "Those fuckin' bitches. Now I'm bored, and I don't even think killing you is good enough to stop it."

Vanoss stopped. Delirious did so as well, and both ponies turned to look at one another. Delirious blinked. The Night Owl stared blankly.

"Holy shit are you okay Delirious?"

...

"No." His eyes went upward, scanning the trees on the horizon. "This place is fucking with me. I dunno. But... something about that place is kinda bothering me."

"What place?"

Delirious raised a hoof and pointed westward. "That place."

Vanoss leaned forward, then returned to his prior position and shrugged at it. "That gingerbread house over there? That place creeps you out? Hello, how about that fuckin' castle on the side of that mountain up there?! That shit's, like, straight out of the Lord o' the Rings!"

Delirious giggled, "Lord o' the Rings?"

"Yeah, Lord o' the Rings and The Guardians o' Ga'Hoole." Vanoss blew a raspberry, "Whatever, fuck you."

"That owl movie?"

Vanoss looked at Delirious with the swiftness of the animal. Delirious' heart stopped. Alarms blared in his head, and his brain worked frantically to get his arm to shoot the Earth pony dead on the spot. Foreleg 1 was already en route to the crotch, intent on retrieving Delirious' signature baseball bat.

"What do you call an-"

PSSH

Mission Success. Good job team.

Vanoss groaned on the floor, holding the beak of his owl mask as he spat, "You asshole! God, my nose! My little owl nose!"

"Don't give me that shit, bitch, I know what you were gonna say!" Giving one final kick into the Canadian, he brushed past his body and began to walk to a nearby store. Hearing grass rustle behind him, he turned to his left and watched Vanoss sprint his way, a hoof at his beak. Shaking his head slowly, he joined Delirious in walking down the street close by the row of stores. Ponies here and there walked by them, completely disregarding both the hockey mask his friend was wearing, and the oversized, huge owl mask he himself was.

To be honest, he didn't really understand how they hadn't been tarred and thrown into the Grand Canyon yet.

Joshua Graham would've been proud.

Delirious continued onward, but Vanoss stopped, eyes widening then narrowing in curiosity as he stepped to a wall to his right. Delirious, finally taking notice, rolled his eyes and stalked toward his friend with annoyance. "The fuck you readin'?" Cocking his head and looking Vanoss up and down, he took a step forward and went to his left side. Casting a glance down the alleyway to his immediate left, Delirious leaned closer to the paper, then found it shoved in his face.

"You motherfu-"

"Read it, asshole."

Delirious took a step back, gave Vanoss a glare, and snatched it from his hooves. Unfurling the sheet, he narrowed his eyes and mouthed what he saw. "Bounty: H2O Delirious? Wanted for murder, theft, and arson, reward for capture nine-thousand bits...?" Delirious heard a gun click next to him. "Hey put that shit away!" Vanoss groaned. Looking back at the bounty paper, he continued, "Blah blah blah, dead or alive, last seen in Ponyville, EQ, deliver to Appleloosa? Hey."

"What?"

"The fuck's Appleloosa?"

"Appleloosa, my friend..."

Delirious and Vanoss suddenly backed up against each other, looking toward the source nearby. A trio of ponies wielding crossbows stalked up to them, the one in front smirking at them. Loading his firearm, he gave Delirious an odd feeling that made him sweep his sight to the other side of the alley. Three more ponies emerged from the end, magicking crossbows near their heads. All aimed at their heads, their bow bolts shining in the light from their horns. Looking back, Delirious watched as the leader gave a toothy grin, finishing.

"...is where we're getting our money. You made it a lot easier for us to get your head."

Vanoss blinked.

"For the record, Boba Fett was way cooler. These bounty hunters suck."

Author's Note

Yeah, sorry about the short chapter. Hopefully you guys enjoyed. But hey, came out hella early, huh? The next one is gonna be oh so fun though. You'll love it, trust me. It'll be worth the wait. :raritywink:

No More Business*

No More Business*

Amethyst Star was having a pretty uneventful day.

After having gotten up that morning, she brushed her teeth, did her mane, and walked downstairs to make herself breakfast before heading off to work. Descending the staircase, she scratched her back and lit her horn, magicking the roll of paper outside her front door. Teleporting it to her side, she threw the band off and unfurled it to read it, now reaching the foot of the staircase. Humming, she raised a brow as she read the headline about a recent robbing of a local grocery store. Oddly enough, the thief had only taken diapers, foals' potato food, and a hoof-full of bits.

Confused, she folded her paper back up and threw it onto the table, intending to read the rest of it once she was finished making breakfast. Or lunch. Looking at the clock hanging above her oven, she frowned. She must have slept in. It was about 12:14 in the afternoon, and Amethyst never woke up that late unless she had been drinking the previous night. And Amethyst had not drank since the Hearth's Warming party two years ago. She had learned that she was a bit of a flirt when she was drunk, and waking up next to some stallion wasn't high on her bucket list.

Humming, she lit her horn and opened a cupboard. Looking inside, she found a collection of cereal boxes shining down on her from above. A smaller box, wedged in between some Cheerilee-o's and Grande Wheats, told her to come and try a Dixie Biscuit. Why she had those was beyond her, and so Amethyst blamed it on her coltfriend and looked for something more fitting to eat. Closing the cabinet, she turned tail and opened the opposite one, smiling as herbs and spices stared her in the face.

Opening her fridge with her tail, she backed up with a smile and looked inside. Mouthing confusion, she magicked her baking pan and found it filled with cupcake batter. Shrugging, she levitated it to her oven, threw it open, and placed them inside. Bouncing her side into the door, she flicked the switch and hummed a happy tune as she went back to her search for food.

Standing in front of the fridge, she was shoved out of her stupor when she realized that the oven was beeping.

Huh.

Opening it, she let the baking pan hover by her side and looked at it quizzically. Guessing that she could just have a few cupcakes for lunch, she shut the fridge door and proceeded to walk out into her living room. Stepping onto the threshold, she swore that she could hear voices from outside.

The large front window shattered into thousands of pieces, and Amethyst Star suddenly gained two new visitors. Dropping her baking pan onto the floor, she grit her teeth and stepped backward as the two ponies - one an Earth pony and the other a Pegasus - scrambled across her floor like a pair of skittish cats, tearing her carpet up and launching it into the air behind them. Crashing through her back door, she watched them leave and turned back around to retrieve her baking pan and the cupcakes nearby. Gasping, she held a hoof to her heart and stepped back again as five ponies armed to the teeth with crossbows and armor practically flew through her living room.

Barging through the open back door, they continued the chase for the two from earlier.

Amethyst looked at the destroyed, splattered baked goods on her floor and gave a sigh.

Just another one of those days, wasn't it...

Delirious and Vanoss sprinted down the alleyway, knocking garbage cans behind them to hinder their hunters' movements. Hearing them struggle from their tails, they smiled at their success, though none of them dared to turn their heads and confirm it. Gritting their teeth, they quickened their pace and shoved imaginings of dust trails behind them in better attempts at survival and concentration. Inching to the left, Delirious nudged Vanoss and gave a nod toward an open doorway a couple feet down.

Hugging the left wall, they were awarded with a large luggage cart completely blocking their path from behind them, the mare pushing it suddenly being subjected to thousands of questions and insults at once. Not wanting to risk anything, the duo headed to the end of the alleyway, with no intent in mind. Neither noticed the left turn they were approaching until Vanoss took the lead, leaving Delirious behind him to suddenly get tackled by a pair of hooves.

As his attacker pushed him against the opposite wall, a crossbow levitated into view and stuck into his forehead. Delirious raised a hoof to push it way, but reeled in pain as its aging wound made itself noticed again. The bounty hunter smiled wildly, and began to squeeze the trigger. Delirious knew what was about to happen next, however, and simply gave a waggle of his eyebrows as the bounty hunter's head flew forward and slammed into the wall. The Unicorn's body slumping to the ground, Delirious chuckled at Vanoss, who holstered his hammer and waved his friend over to join him in going the way their enemy had come.

Sprinting down it, Vanoss turned and spoke through grit teeth, "Alright! Delirious! We gotta get to Sweet Apple Acres! Safe house, y'know?"

"Don't be fuckin' stupid, Vanoss!" Delirious spat back, "You really want those fuckers to know that we're friends with them?! They'll burn the farm to the fuckin' ground! There!" A blue wing extended to point at a large group of hills a few yards past the exit ahead of them, "We'll get out that way! They won't be able ta see us if we're behind them! Get your ass movin'!"

Vanoss rolled his eyes, but nodded and gained speed with Delirious. Racing through the middle of the alley, Vanoss leaned his head over to his left and asked, "Hey, you should look behind us and tell me if they're close!"

"What?!" Delirious responded, "Are you fuckin' outta your mind?! You look, bitch!"

"Fine!" He turned his owl mask to their rears and immediately turned back. "Fuck! Not good!"

"How bad-"

"Super close! Shit!" Vanoss threw a hoof to his head and pulled his owl mask off. Whimpering, he swung it in the air and chucked it at the pursuing hunters. Swiveling around again to face forward, he cursed, "Didn't do a damn thing, these guys are fast as fuck!"

Thinking, Delirious unfurled his previously pointing wing and reached toward his crotch. Pulling out his heavy pistol, he cocked it with his teeth and pulled the trigger with one of his primaries, completely missing and sending a bullet into the brick wall of the Jolly Roger Grocery Store to their left. Not wanting to risk embarrassment and ridicule from his friends once they got out of this, he kept quiet about this and answered Vanoss immediately when he asked, "Did you get one-"

"Yes!"

Vanoss narrowed his eyes at him, but didn't push it. As they exited the alleyway, they were greeted to a blinding sun that threatened to destroy their eyes, but they grinned and kept going, knowing full well that it would do the same for their pursuers. Trotting across the dirt road and avoiding any contact with other ponies, they jumped down into the gap between the road and the hills and waited. Looking up at the picket fence, they pressed their forelegs against the grass and held their breath.

Delirious felt a nudge at his side, and looked down to find what Vanoss was pointing at. A lone tin can sat in the grass between them, the plain label of Peaches spanning across it with an Orange-looking filly licking her lips at the named fruit beneath her. Delirious gave his friend a strange look, but suppressed a chuckle as he watched Vanoss disappear and simply become the can of peaches. Vanoss slid over to Delirious, but stopped as they heard voices.

Delirious looked up and watched as five pairs of crossbows aimed out past the picket fence, slowly moving about in a fanning motion. Five seconds passed, and five became six as their previously hammered opponent joined the search. Feeling another nudge by his side, Delirious looked down and found Vanoss bumping into him, not wanting to say a word. The Pegasus touched the can, but found nothing happening to him. The can of peaches began to tap against him angrily, and he grit his teeth and shook his head violently in an attempt to show him his fruitless attempts.

Vanoss finally let out an angered growl. This caught the hunters' attention, and they began to lean out over the fence to get a better view. Delirious sucked in a breath, and let it go once he saw Vanoss slide out of cover and jump in place. Looking back up, Delirious watched the crossbows return to their previous spots. He looked back at the can of peaches and smirked.

"Hey! Bounty hunters! Come eat my peaches, you assholes!"

"The hell? Get 'im!"

A flurry of hoofsteps sounded out, and Delirious swore he saw Vanoss wink at him before slinking off at a high velocity, bringing the bounty hunters with him. Letting out a quick breath, Delirious counted to three and threw himself away from cover. Sprinting across the field, he dared to take a look back and found the bounty hunters - and Vanoss - gone. Raising a brow, he began to climb the grassy hill in front of him, only to keel over in pain as something smashed into his head. Rubbing it, he looked down and found Vanoss back to his pony form, in a daze. Helping him back up, Delirious pushed his friend forward and ignored his awaking head-shaking, shouting, "Shit, go go go!"

Issuing long notes of fright, they ascended the hill and suddenly jumped to their left, avoiding a trio of arrows that marked where they last stood. Reaching the summit, they bumped into one another as they attempted to go separate ways, and so didn't notice the large root in their way. Catching it with their forelegs, the two rolled down the side of the hill and began to hit rocks. Bouncing like giddy foals along the boulders, they finally stopped and collapsed at the base of the hill, sputtering dirt and pebbles onto the ground in front of them.

Delirious took a glimpse upward, and flinched in fear as he found the six bounty hunters glaring at them slyly. Cocking their crossbows simultaneously, they took a stance and aimed at them from atop the hill. The leader gave a chuckle, and suddenly broke formation to holster his weapon. Leaning forward, he picked up something that Delirious couldn't quite see. He soon saw in the end, and bore witness as the mercenaries' leader cocked his heavy pistol back carefully.

His grin deepening as it clicked back, he coiled his hoof around it and examined it for a time. "My, what an interesting weapon you have here H2O! Too bad none of its bullets are for me, haha." He bent toward Delirious and aimed it at his forehead. "Taking you dead is a lot easier anyhow," He added with a wink. The gun wobbling slightly, Delirious stared into the barrel and gulped.

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The leader straightened himself and blinked. Frowning, he raised a green hoof up to above his eyes and strained them. Looking past the hill, he turned and spoke curiously.

"The hell's that-"

CACHUNK FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

The leader suddenly found his back broken in hundreds of places as his body flew high into the air by a heavy machine. Rolling end over end, he somersaulted in the wind and fell to the ground in less than three seconds with a thud. Delirious and Vanoss looked up at the bounty hunters, and found them staring at something behind the two. Following their trail of sight, they slowly turned around in their grassy seats and kindly dropped their jaws.

A Hydra jet flew past them in a white blur, rotating around as it turned into VTOL mode while still maintaining its prior velocity. The world exploded with a loud noise, and the cockpit's hatch opened up with a loud swishing noise and threw something into the air. Watching, they shielded their eyes as it landed with a crash on the ground, kicking up a massive cloud of dust in its wake. As it fumed into the air, they heard the telltale sound of hooves clacking and found the mercenaries walking past them, weapons raised.

The one in front took a glimpse at their leader, finding him still as a rock. Tilting his head, he cocked his crossbow and levitated the iron sights in front of his eyes. The rest of his team getting close to him, he broke the silence with a question that would soon be answered.

"Who the hell is that?"

The dust cleared.

And a lone, burgundy figure glared at them. Puffing on a lit cigar, the monkey mask raised itself and smiled at them with anticipation. The small colt gave a short laugh as his brown tail fluttered in the wind, and then he suddenly spoke with the voice of an annoying five year old.

"My name is Lui... and I think you're being meanies to my friends here!"

Author's Note

*No More Monkey Business

So, I'm thinking of having a live writing session sometime this week or next. I'll include a link in a blog to a Google Docs, and you'll all be able to witness my writing it and read it before everyone else if you attend! If it works with it, I could even let you guys comment on it as it goes! This might end super horribly, but as long as you guys want to, I'll be all up for it. :raritywink:

See Do

Skulls were hard things. They form the base of a pony's head, and are a kind of shield for the brain that lies inside it, protecting it from anything that may come to hurt it. Skulls were durable things, and could handle punishment like no other. When your head was in front of the rest of your body and therefore reached things before the rest of you, it only made sense for the skull to be hard to crack. Though pony bones were hard to break as well, it was the skull that would reign supreme over all.

Skulls were hard things.

But Lui Calibre's hooves didn't give a single fucking shit about that.

One hoof connected, and the world erupted into a firefight, two ponies sitting on the sidelines completely struck with awe as they could only watch. Delirious farted. Vanoss burped. To be honest, they really couldn't care less. They knew what was gonna happen to the poor bounty hunters. They knew what Lui was gonna do, and to be honest that's all that really surprised them. They only wished that the hunters had said goodbye to their families before coming after them. Eh. Whatever.

The hunters had not, as a matter of fact.

There were five in total fighting Lui Calibre on that bright Saturday afternoon, with the clouds hanging high and the sun at its finest quality for all the ponies to enjoy. One such fighter was one Bright Light, his name very reminiscent of the day he decided to be a complete fucking idiot and risk his life. Born a Unicorn to a pair of stubborn, lazy Earth ponies, he grew up in urban Manehattan as a colt constantly doubted. All his early life, he would get picked on endlessly to the point where it affected his grades, and, seeing their son make a foal of himself, they kicked him out and sent them to his father's grandparents.

Now, keep in mind that Bright Light was, in fact, a genius. Every day after school, now separated from his parents, Bright spent his free time making objects: new things that he could bring to show and tell or just brag about to a friend. This ceased to amuse himself, and endlessly impressed many others who witnessed his creations. Things like a fly swatter that doubled as a back scratcher, or a cookie jar that could also have a substitution for cheese in the case of a rat infestation.

His inventions later caught the eye of one Dr. Brawn, who despite his name was actually a weak-ass little pussy bitch, and so stuck to being a scientist to avoid conflict in every form and fashion. As he walked along the Manehattan streets, intent on getting into work early like usual, he had caught the sight of a young, light yellow Unicorn showing a crowd of ponies what he shouted to be his latest invention. Curious, Dr. Brawn wandered over, thereafter forgetting work but discovering the wondrous mind of one Bright Light.

In his hooves was a vacuum cleaner, the likes of which nopony had seen before. Its unique quality? It could work on its own, and moved about by itself without any need for assistance. This invention surprised Dr. Brawn, and so he asked Bright if he had made it himself. Proudly, of course, Bright said that he did, and so it was that Dr. Brawn invited fourteen year-old Bright Light to work for him at Cleaners Industries, which despite its name did more than work on cleaning equipment.

Given a blessing by his grandparents, Bright went to the lab one Saturday morning and found something absolutely amazing in store for him. Hundreds of projects, thousands of ideas, all just waiting for him to work on and study endlessly. At fourteen years-old, he was happy, and so he spent more than ten years working there tirelessly, but happy. There was nopony to pick on him, and there were no put-downs present whatsoever. In fact, Bright Light was happy. Not a care in the world.

Until one morning he decided to murder a pony for getting into his carriage that he had called, thus cockblocking him from getting into it himself. Magicking a nearby lamp post, he swung it around like a crane and leveled the carriage, instantly decapitating the poor Earth pony who had taken his spot. No fuckin' Rosa Parks fuckin' bullshit in this fuckin' place.* Seething, Bright Light had raised a hoof up to raise his hat, effectively greeting the absolutely shocked carriage driver. Getting in, Bright had simply moved his victim's body over a couple inches, expecting a ride to Cleaners Industries as usual.

Stepping out a few minutes later, he was greeted by half a dozen police officers who took him into custody. Waiting out his jail time, he told Industries to pound sand and left Manehattan to work as a hired mercenary, finding himself in Las Pegasus. There he met up with the leader of a small group, and together the now six wandered Equestria to form a newly idealized bounty hunting party. Wandering into Appaloosa, it was not Bright Light who had seen the Wanted Poster for one H2O Delirious. No. He had been the third, and hated both the first and the second for being their respective positions.

Another such individual who was risking their life that day was Red Velvet, a crimson mare who everypony called as a young foal a "selfish little bitch who only looked out for her friends." Growling in those ponies' faces, she beat them up and all for good reason. Those said friends were the lowly ones of the school yard, the ones you would probably call the nerds, or the geeks, or as she constantly heard, the faggots. Red Velvet absolutely hated that word*, and promptly pummeled anyone who dared utter it.

Growing up in Canterlot, it wasn't great for her and her family. Lowly and poor, just like all of her friends, she preyed on the strong and took care of the weak. Destined for greatness by her parents, friends, and anypony who both met and liked her, she attended the best public schools and graduated from Canterlot University with a degree in Psychology. Taking a career at the nearby health clinic, she became an intern for awhile but felt that she had more potential. Leaving after three years, she found a help wanted poster for Las Pegasus as a worker.

Curious, she followed the origin of the poster and found herself in the hooves of the leader of a group of hired mercs. Always one to help out others, and not fully understanding the job, she joined up with them. After a few jobs that she sadly missed thanks to not getting up early, as Red was a bit of a laze-about in the end, she became aware that despite the Dead or Alive nature of the bounties, her group usually pulled the dead route. Furious, she made them promise to try their hardest to always get by with the Alive option.

After one job where they brought one in Alive, she found this boring and decided they should just kill them all. Thus was the case with one H2O Delirious, who she claimed looked like a little shit. She was not the first, nor the second to find the poster. In fact, she was generally liked by Bright Light. No, she was after him, because she knew he'd be looking at her ass if she was in front of him. Fourth.

Another pony that day was a dark green Earth pony named Poker Face. Raised in Las Pegasus, he grew up loving the idea of gambling and so decided to join his single father in competing in Poker championships around the world. Once he was old enough, he accompanied his father to the casino that was down the street from their place. There he watched his father play and worked the game in his head. Though unsuccessful at first, he eventually foretold other pony's moves and therefore helped his father win many times. Together, the two were unstoppable.

That is to say, Poker wasn't good at school. Like, at all. All day, his head was filled with Poker mathematics and not regular ones, and so he failed all years of elementary school and middle school. Skipping out on high school at the behest of his father so he could help them get more money, Poker was able to win millions of bits for his family of two. For awhile, Poker had it all. And then he found a nice mare in the slums of Las Pegasus and fell in love.

She of course already had a husband, but this she did not tell him. Pretending to be in love with him as well, she agreed to marry him only a few months after their first date. She never showed up, however, and had taken his money while he was sleeping that last night. Enraged, Poker followed her along her usual walking route to find that she indeed had a husband. Standing in the doorway, he had caught the door and listened to her bragging about how much money she had taken. Pulling a knife from the kitchen to his right, he locked the door and worked.

Escaping Las Pegasus, he found work as a hired mercenary and eventually, you guessed it, found the leader of a small group when he came back after forgetting the rest of his money. Making sure that nopony could ever take it from him ever again, he always hid it inside a magic bag nestled inside his body armor, given to him by his father. He was the second to see the poster, and was hated by Bright Light but liked by Red Velvet. He immediately asked if they could rob Mr. H2O when they found him.

The fourth pony that day was Head Rush, a Unicorn expected for great things by his amazing parents. Raised in Ponyville, he had instead grown attached to nothing but violence, war, and most importantly, blood. To say he was edgy was beyond anything that could ever be said about anything. Ignoring his parents' wants for him to be successful, he ran away from home and began to murder ponies in the Everfree Forest. He didn't care who, he just had to kill them. He didn't really care about school either, despite being an eight year-old. Having a constantly bloodied, very jagged knife sort of worked to keep him from school's grounds.

He never dared to hurt other ponies his age. He knew that they had potential. The ones he did kill were the rest of the ponies that found themselves in his neck of the woods. Be they old, teen, mare, or stallion, he killed them and threw their corpse in a lake with a dozen or so rocks bound in his magic. If a filly or colt his age wandered into the Everfree, he'd go back to his rundown shack that he had found, hide his knife, clean himself with his nearby bucket, and kindly help them get out safely. Of course, he never showed himself around the town.

Ponies were bound to recognize him. His leaving wasn't exactly secret after all.

Intent on causing more ponies harm, he waited until he was twenty and went to Las Pegasus for the purpose of having more prey to stalk. Following an unfortunate mare, he caught the sight of a help wanted poster and decided to pursue it out of curiosity. Getting out of sight, he allowed Poker Face to have his act of vengeance, neither knowing who the other was until they met up as bounty hunters a month later. He was the sixth and final one to find the poster for H2O Delirious.

The fifth pony was Blank Slate.

He was normal. A Pegasus. He killed, like, one pony. It was his brother after he tried to drown him as a joke.

Blah blah blah he went to Las Pegasus. Finding the help wanted poster, he found the source and met up with the leader of a soon-to-be group, a burly Pegasus named Iron Sights, who despite his name stuck to using a scope with his crossbow. Blank was the first pony to find the wanted poster for Delirious, and was as such hated by Bright Light.

Iron Sights was, as previously said, the leader of the self-proclaimed Bone Collectors that scoured the country to find bounties and garner money. Born in Cloudsdale, he had a life filled with bullying, insulting, and absolute cruelty. Except, unlike Red Velvet, he was the one doing it. Being one of three triplets, he spent his years helping his brothers reign terror over playskies by asking for a bubblegum toll at the swingset, or guarding the largest slide with their little lives. Never doing good in the world, he and his brothers eventually pursued different things in Equestria after being expelled from school for both their terrible grades and their general behavior.

Not having a plan, Iron Sights kept watch over his wanderings to try to figure out what he'd do. First he thought to be a doctor, then realized that he'd hurt every patient he'd get. Then he wanted to be a police officer, but realized he'd probably pull his Magicarm on his partner rather than his crooks. Then he wanted to be a firefighter, but noticed that he'd be the one setting the fires. Deciding on hurting ponies as a job, he founded the Bone Collectors and sent out help wanted posters to garner attention.

Blank Slate was the first to arrive. Red Velvet was next. Bright Light was after her. Poker Face was fifth, then followed very closely by Head Rush.

Iron Sights had a great gang going.

And together the six had amassed quite a fortune.

But Iron Sights was not fighting Lui Calibre that day. And he had been the fifth to find the bounty for Delirious. Iron Sights was on the floor nearby, crumpled like a crippled cat and unmoving, his spine and ribs broken in many areas thanks to the wing of a large machine that had hit him with the force of a million trains. So, Iron Sights was out, and his five companions were left to fend for themselves in what could be considered the end of their lives.

Now you know who they are.

And now let's see how they all came to die, huh?

Author's Note

Outta My Mind is officially the new Godzilla movie.

You didn't think you'd actually see Lui fighting today, did you?

*Rosa Parks is actually seriously one of the greatest historical figures of our time and I greatly respect her it was just a joke DON'T FUCKING KILL ME.

*I also hate the word faggot. Despite Vanoss and the crew constantly using it, I'm not comfortable enough to write it in. It will not be appearing, and neither will using rape as humor. Yeah no fuck that.

Shine A Light

In the end, it was inevitable that one pony would be the first to attack. That bright Saturday afternoon shone down upon the two opposing factions, neither moving at first, leaving the wind in the air to rustle coats of fur and body armor. The Bone Collectors glared down their enemy in a collective silence, deciding exactly how to face him off in their respective minds. They of course weren't Changelings, and so this process of realization ended up completely off on every single account.

The small, burgundy colt stared them down from a few yards down the field, his burning cigar puffing light wisps of smoke into the blue sky above them. The monkey mask clenched down on it in a statuesque manner, unmoving to match the mask's owner himself. His brown tail swished in the breeze idly.

The grass swayed.

The clouds hanging in the sky continued on with their daily routine.

Neither side moved an inch.

Vanoss looked at Delirious. Delirious looked at Vanoss. Reaching to his side, Vanoss pulled out a large tub of popcorn, which he shook in at his Pegasus friend currently sitting by him. He hummed for a time, tilted his head, and simply proclaimed, "Fuck it," grabbing at the snack with delight. Tossing his grabs into his mouth, Delirious watched the two sides with anticipation. Vanoss meanwhile began to search for a foam finger he could put on.

The Bone Collectors adjusted their crossbows, making sure that every single one of their iron sights were fixated on the lone colt facing off against them.

The colt pawed at the ground and lowered his head.

Bright Light suddenly ran forward, his horn glowing brighter as his crossbow slid into view. Sticking out his tongue, he aimed for a single heartbeat, let out a breath, and fired.

The world spun.

But that wasn't important.

The fact of the matter was that they were currently fighting on the top of a large spaceship, the likes of which had never been thought of before. The mercenaries' crossbows somehow found themselves replaced by giant pink dildos, their tips flopping in the winds of the vacuum of space and pointed at Lui, who was suspended in the middle of the air with his forelegs stretched forward like a pouncing tiger on a six-year old kid. The spaceship spun slowly, but the ponies on top of it stayed where they were.

Delirious watched from afar, unblinking with his forelegs stuck against the ground behind his back. He currently floated alongside the mothership a couple yards away, a large, icicle-shaped plot of grass keeping him from floating out into the depths of space. Looking around, he hummed at the asteroid belt currently zipping past them to his right. Turning to his left, he found the newly discovered Pluto smiling at him with a big red heart on its surface. A hand suddenly rose from its side, and Pluto shut its eyes and waved at Delirious.

Grinning with glee, Delirious waved back, and fixed his position on the ground so he was sitting crisscrossed. Blinking up at the mothership, he watched as Lui and the Bone Collectors began to fight in incredibly slow motion, one that would both rival Gmod's and make it violently depressed to the point of a sappy romance novel complaining about the lack of received love and signed with the name Yamsmos. Delirious snorted. What a fucking loser. Sighing happily, he began to hum an amazing song that he had just made up on the spot.

It regarded the existence of life and the importance of it to the greater beings in the sky. As previously stated, he was making it up on the spot, and so needed a nice swig of alcohol to keep his brain fully functioning. Glaring, he brought a hoof up, developed a middle finger and a thumb, and snapped loudly enough where he was sure his subscribers would hear it back home. Hearing footsteps, he looked over to his left and found a large brown, bipedal horse walking up to him with a bored expression on his face. Adjusting his grey suit jacket, he pulled a glass of Absinthe out of his pocket and presented it to Delirious.

Snatching it out of the horse's grasp, Delirious used his newly acquired middle finger to flip him off. The horse was having none of that and quickly slapped him across the face. Seething, Delirious cursed, "Fuck you BoJack."

"Get cancer, jerkwad," and he was gone. Delirious rubbed his cheek and then shook his head to dispel the pain. Looking back at his hoof, he watched as the Absinthe transformed into a large jalapeno pepper that easily dwarfed his head. Tilting the appendage back, he opened his mouth and allowed the pepper to slide into his gullet. Wiping his mask, he rubbed his tummy and felt a nudge at his side. Looking over, he grew aware of Vanoss' presence around him. Activating his Delirious Sense, he pulled out a .44 Magnum Revolver, held it upside-down, and fired it to the area below him, effectively ending the previously roaming Spider Man's life.

Vanoss suddenly appeared in front of him in the form of a water-painted owl mask, one that glared at him with fiery eyes. Growling, the Canadian spoke with the voice of Wildcat, "What the fuck are you doing you stupid bitch?!" The owl mask shifted as if it was on one side of a cube, and Wildcat's pig mask appeared, helmet and all. "For fuck's sake Delirious, get it together!" Again, and the pig mask was replaced with a censor bar and a blurred image, "Hoo-di-"

A bullet flew from the heavens sitting next to Delirious, making a hole in the image that spread out and bled into the vacuum of space. Enjoying this, Delirious reached into his dickhole and retrieved a cigarette. Pulling a grenade from the lava pit underneath him, he threw the pin away and felt the cigarette ignite. Tossing the frag, its shape changed into that of a football, and Vanoss caught it in mid-air, did a 360, and chucked it clear across the football field he was on. The football landed into the basketball hoop, and fell to the ice as a hockey puck.

There it was swept up by a yellow Labrador Retriever, who shot it into his own goal and threw his forelegs up as he barked loudly in tandem with the instantly roaring crowd. The hockey rink flipped over, and a baseball field stared Delirious in the face. The Batter stood on home base, his Ashley Bat sitting on his shoulders in anticipation. Lou Gehrig stood like a statue at center plate, then spat into the ground and threw the baseball.

The Batter swung and the ball began to pinball around the field, all the while playing a song that reminded Delirious that he was hungry for a pepper steak. The song began to slow down as if it were having a fatal stroke, and the baseball took one final hit on the walls before sailing into the distance. Hearing purring next to him, Delirious raised his brow boredly and found a small cat looking at the game. Turning to the Pegasus, it asked with a low growl, "Such an enlightening display of sportsmanship, wouldn't you agree?"

Delirious nodded, then brought a hoof to his mouth to drink from his Pißwasser. Giving a refreshed sigh, he looked for the cat again, only to find Apple Bloom waving an upside flag that read Allahu Ackbar. Getting up to the sound of applause, she shouted, "!aciremA ot htaeD !suoirileD ,uoy evol reven lliw kcajelppA" Delirious frowned at this, his eyebrows lowering, but he didn't know why. Regaining his composure, he hissed at the filly and snatched the flag from her hooves. Showing it to her face, he snapped it with his knee only to find her still waving an invisible one.

Shrugging, he looked at his lap for the flag. Instead, a carbine rifle met his gaze, and his hooves quickly picked them up, pulled the bolt back, and fired at an image of Applejack.

The out-of-this-world landscape vibrated violently, then popped into the style of an icy mountain valley. Delirious' grassy recluse remained the same, and as did Lui and the Bone Collectors'. Still fighting in slow motion, Delirious was currently watching Lui fling Bright Light into Red Velvet and Head Rush, the latter of which was beginning to pull a knife from his left saddlebag. Reaching into his sweater pocket, Delirious pulled out a heavy pistol. Cocking the slide back, he kept it open with the slide catch, tilted his head back, and downed an ounce of green and orange pills. Wiping his mask once more, he oohed at something above him and reached up, grabbing a floating stick filled with marshmallows. Holding it out in front of him, he laughed heartily as they began to burn from the iced puddle underneath it.

Delirious suddenly wondered the time, and brought his left foreleg out to look at his Pimp-Boy 3 Billion. It was currently 36:70 in the afterduskening. Damn. Delirious has missed an episode of Titty Kitties. Frowning, he looked at his Pip-Boy, flung the Pimp-Boy off, and destroyed his wrist watch once it impacted the cloudy ground. Delirious' vision shifted, and the island he was on turned upside-down. Rolling his eyes, he pulled at his sweater and felt his hood slide over the top of his head. At that moment, it began to rain, and Delirious was now completely safe from its torrent.

Looking to his right, he found Applejack, her Stetson lying on the ground next to her. She watched the fight with an honest smile on her face, her eyes half-lidded as if she were witnessing her child. The icy valley dissipated, and a fresh, sunny meadow took its place, the grass high enough to cause Applejack's haunches to simply vanish beneath their green onslaught. Daisies, sunflowers, and daffodils swayed in the calm wind, and a draft flew by the two in silence.

Delirious snorted, reaching into his tuxedo and pulling out a bottle of vodka. Accepting the whiskey, Applejack took a swig out of it and handed him his Pißwasser back, thanking him. Sighing, she leaned to her right and pressed a hoof into her cheek. She hummed thoughtfully, and suddenly poofed into thin air, only to appear a fraction of a split second later, her head now on Delirious' left hindleg. Turning over, she chuckled and brought a hoof up to boop him on the mask.

Delirious flinched at it, but stayed his smile.

"Just imagine if you'd actually believe it for once, Sugarcube."

"I wish I could've gone."

Applejack shook her head, still smirking. "I don't know what that means."

Delirious laughed. "Don't worry." "Don't die," she replied.

Applejack vanished into a wisp of smoke. A bouquet of apples stared up at him in their fruity silence, and Delirious picked one up and swallowed it whole. Gulping it down, he holstered the rest in his inventory and pulled out an Egochaser. Peeling off the familiar blue wrapper, he bit into the bar and looked down at it after he gulped it down. A mass of white hockey masks amidst a blue field screamed up at him for mercy, and he calmly shook his head with a simper and bit down on more than he had last time.

Blowing a raspberry, he placed a hoof on his stomach and grinned. Lui currently held Head Rush in a choke-hold, the boot knife now poised for the former's heart. From a foot away, Red Velvet readied her Fat Man, Bright Light coming up from behind her with a BFG. Wildcat flew toward Lui, a large machete gripped in his pig hooves. Nogla sat in a crouch, aiming a Heavy Sniper at the young colt with a pink camouflage painted on it. Vanoss nudged Delirious again, a deck of cards in his hooves. Nodding at the pile sitting between them, he said, "Your turn, Delirious."

Delirious reached into his top hat, pulling out a disembodied skull which he placed on the table. Vanoss groaned, throwing his cards onto the desk as he leaned back in his stone chair. Delirious laughed evilly, pulling the pile of chips toward him with vigor. As it stopped an inch from him, the top of the pile flew downward, and a gun appeared from inside. Delirious blinked at it once, and the firearm exploded in his face, blinding him.

Reeling in pain, he brought a flashbang out from his rear, pulled the pin, and held it in front of his squinting eyes. As it exploded in kind, the world came to, and Delirious realized he was sitting at a bar. A shot glass, half-full, sat to his right on top of a folded napkin. Hearing laughter amidst the ruckus of the room, he looked the other way and found Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Vanoss, and Apple Bloom laughing hysterically at something. Scootaloo was there as well, too enamored with her glass of root beer to join in. Smiling, he asked them what they were looking at, but no words came out. They told him that Rainbow had just farted and was vehemently denying it, but no words came out either. Delirious nodded, then turned back to his glass.

He frowned, then smiled deeply and drank from it.

A gruff sounding-voice roused him from his stupor. Stopping what he was doing, he raised his ears and narrowed his eyes as he slammed the glass onto the counter. Amidst the loud sounds of sex, jokes, and banter in the bar, his action was not heard. Slowly looking back at Applejack, he found a rather muscular brown stallion talking to her, a hoof resting on the bar's counter top. Applejack seemed to be enjoying herself, giggling into a hoof like a school girl. Delirious growled, then looked back at his shot glass to find it half-empty.

His wings flared involuntarily, but he mussed them down with a hoof and focused on his drink. Eyeing it carefully, he hummed and his heartbeat made itself known to him. Two of them passed, and Delirious sprang up, grabbed the flagon, tucked it behind his head, and chucked it as hard as he could toward the stallion. It exploded into shards upon his target's head, and he turned to find a slightly chubby blue Pegasus glaring at him with his hooves at his hips as he stood atop his bar stool. Growling, the stallion began to walk over to Delirious, and suddenly Delirious was pushing the barrel of a shotgun into his forehead.

Yelling at the top of his lungs, he cocked the slide, brought the gun up, and stabbed it into the stallion's head, only to pull the trigger to blow his brains out a second later.

The world became white and blank, like a clean slate for him to begin anew on.

And at once Delirious knew that he was not magnificent.

And he grew aware of something hugging him tightly.

Looking down, he watched as Applejack's head rose from his chest, a grin on her face. Spitting out a stalk of wheat, she closed the distance and Delirious felt a hoof smack him in the face.

Shaking his achingly painful head as the world came to, he heard Vanoss yell at him from a few inches away, "Hey dumbass, Lui just got done kicking some ass. You done yet?"

Delirious blinked his two eyes separately, then slowly glanced down to the ground. A bag of something called Cheerilee-o's stared up at him, its previously contained bag sitting open a foot away. A bright red and yellow bong, still lit, sat next to his side. Delirious brought a hoof up to his head, then got up as he looked at the grass field now burning in various spots with craters dotting the landscape like the moon. A few trees smoked into the air, mimicking the burgundy colt currently stalking toward Delirious.

Wiping his forelegs clean of dust, Delirious raised a hoof and spoke, "Hey, Lui."

The colt approached even faster. He raised a hoof as he did so.

"That was some pretty badass shit man-"

PSH

Author's Note

Don't do drugs, kids.

House Meeting

"So why are we here again?"

"I'm a little confused too..."

Nogla and Wildcat stood in the doorway to the Golden Oaks Library, staring awkwardly into the confinements of the literal tree house. Five ponies stared back at them, five large smiles across their faces and one huge coffee table sitting near them. Looking down on it, they noticed that there was a sizable platter of food glaring them in their faces. Wildcat involuntarily burped, quickly stifling it with a pink, stocky hoof. To say he was a thin pig would be a helluvan understatement, but he could definitely use those cracker bags. Clearing his throat, he straightened himself as the purple one in front began to speak.

"Well, the girls and I realized the other day that we haven't really welcomed you to Ponyville yet! And seeing as how you've also helped out Applejack with the Harvest, we thought we'd invite you over for a big meal! Glad you guys came, just waiting on Vanoss and Delirious now! Here, take a seat," Twilight said, walking toward her kitchen, "I'll go make some tea. Go ahead and talk with the girls, they'll be happy to meet you."

Disappearing behind the corner, the Alicorn left the room. The two males looked at the now-four females. They looked back, blinking casually. Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her neck, asking, "Twilight does know we've already met, right?"

"Oh hush," Rarity said, nudging the Pegasus with a foreleg, "Twilight hasn't been feeling her best lately. She might just not remember. Now, I don't believe I've met you kind sir," she spoke, extending a hoof, "My name is Rarity. I run the Carousel Boutique in town. What is your name, and what in the wide world of Equestria is with that dreadful paper bag?"

Nogla hummed. Fidgeting on the ground, he shook the mare's hoof and stuttered, "I- I uh.. I'm Daithi, but you can call me Nogla, since these dumbasses can't seem to pronounce Daithi at all."

"Hey, it's easier! The fuck does Daithi even mean?"

"It means David in Irish. Swiftness, nimbleness. That sorta cool shit. What do you have, huh? Tyler?" Nogla turned to look at Wildcat. The pig snorted at him, taking a second to adjust the helmet atop his head. Glaring, he raised a hoof up and stayed it. "Are you trying to flip me off-"

"I'm trying to flip you off but it's not fucking working." Left to grumble to himself, Wildcat fell to his haunches and crossed his forelegs to pout at his poor luck. Nogla on the other hand kept his cool, his voice muffled by the paper bag.

"Good to meet you, uh, Rarity."

"Yes it's..." she bit on her lower lip, "wonderful. I wouldn't wholeheartedly approve of your word choice, but-"

"Can I get some food now?"

Rarity drew her neck back, but replaced it and gave a smile, "Of course! Help yourself! We have many choices for you." Watching as the both of them wandered off toward it, she waved a hoof toward the two mares next to her, "Applejack and Fluttershy baked a number of these for you, in case you like them. So if there is anypony to thank, it's them. Fluttershy, I don't believe you've met either of these ponies yet. Kindly introduce yourself!"

...

"Fluttershy?"

"Yes... Rarity?"

Looking around, mimicking the other two mares with her, she asked, "Where are you, dear? Come meet Wildcat and Nogla." Finally turning around, she found Fluttershy sitting prone on the floor, her eyes looking up at Rarity with a scared appearance. Rarity suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. "Fluttershy, you can't just do this whenever you meet somepony new. Come on now, they're harmless! They wouldn't hurt a fly!"

"I've... I've met Wildcat already.."

"Oh, have you? My apologies, I had no idea! That doesn't mean you shouldn't go introduce yourself to Nogla, right?"

"I guess not..."

"Yeah, Nogla's an awesome guy! Me and the Crusaders hung out with him after we sprang him out of jail! He's a really cool stallion!"

"Rainbow, you're not helping..."

"What do you think they're talkin' about, Tyler?" Nogla asked a ways away, a plate full of french fries nestled atop one of his hooves.

Wildcat raised his sandwich up to point at them halfheartedly, "Shy bitch is scared of you. White bitch is trying to get her to grow some balls, and the blue one isn't helping." Gulping down a bite, he looked up at his friend and spoke, "That fuckin' do anything for you? Damn these sandwiches are kickass, can we bring some back to the barn in your paper bag?"

"We're not supposed to take it off, remember?"

"Well where the fuck am I supposed ta put it?!" Nogla shrugged, causing Wildcat to simply roll his eyes. "Whatever. I'm hungry as hell. You should eat somethin' too you stupid ass, grow some meat on those bones, huh?" He asked, nudging his friend in the side, who begrudgingly let it happen. To be honest, he really only came here because he thought Delirious and Vanoss were here. He didn't expect some dumbass party, and he didn't recall anything about an invitation either.

Neither did Nogla, who simply rustled his paper bag with a hoof. Groaning, he kicked the carpet underneath him and moaned, "When the fuck are Delirious and Vanoss gonna get here? I wanna get the hell outta here already. This place smells like syrup and dragon semen." Looking to his left, he watched as a purple and green drake descended the staircase, a blanket trailing him in a claw as he rubbed his tired eyes. Nogla blinked. "Gross."

"Hey Twilight, can you make me some..." he stopped, eyes widening as he turned to face the entirety of the room. Tapping his chin with a claw, he asked, "Twilight, what are all these people doing here?" Hearing silence, he rephrased that, "Applejack, what are all these people doing here?"

The farmpony clicked her tongue, "Ah guess we're welcomin' Nogla and Wildcat to Ponyville. Ah didn't really get the memo, Rarity an' Twilight just told me ta bake some apple tarts last night..."

Spike raised a brow, then looked at Wildcat and raised a hand. "Sup Wildcat."

"Hey Spike."

Spike gazed at the mares in the room once more, a blank look on his face. "So you woke me up for no reason then?"

"We didn't wake you up."

"Well I woke up, and now I won't be able to go back to sleep!" Eyes darting around the living room, he looked past Wildcat and pointed at the green, bagged stallion. "Whoa, who are you?"

"I'm Nogla."

"Oh okay." Spike stood for a short selection of heartbeats, then shrugged to himself and about-faced to head back up the staircase. "Welp, I'm going back to bed. Wake me up if something interesting happens."

Nogla leaned over to Wildcat, a hoof by his mouth, "Talk about filler, amirite?"

"Shut the fuck up, Nogla." At that moment, Wildcat felt something in his gut, and he shook on the spot as if he were naked on the top of a snowy glacier. Teeth chattering for a split second, he looked up at Nogla with fear in his eyes. "Nogla, did you just feel that shit?"

"Yeah..."

"Feel what?" Rainbow asked, suddenly coming into view from above them. "What did we feel? I didn't feel anything. How about you, AJ?"

"Ah didn't feel a thing."

Wildcat and Nogla, breathless, gaped at Rainbow Dash, not knowing what to say or how to warn them. A collection of hoofsteps made themselves audible as Twilight came back into the room, her horn lighting up a platter of tea cups in front of her. A smile on her face, she opened her mouth to proclaim what time it was, but stopped as he noticed the rooms fixation on the two males. Raising an eyebrow, she asked nopony in particular, "What are we all staring at?"

The two slowly turned to her, eyes wide.

"He's here."

And then, the front door to the library swung open with a deafening bang, startling the occupants as they stared into the daylight now peeking into their welcoming party.

Author's Note

Yeah yeah yeah, another short chapter. Sorry about that shit.

Kick Some Lasso In A Tank Rodeo

Author's Note

God I fucking hate this chapter title but it's totally worth it so fuck you/me. Took me a little less than two hours to make, hope you enjoy! :ajsmug:

Kick Some Lasso In A Tank Rodeo

"Ya know Sugarcube? I think we'd be a lot more supportive of y'all screwin' up the town if ya didn't do it so much."

The sound of spitting and sputtering came to her from behind, but the mare rolled her eyes as the unfortunate stallion tried to pull thousands of things out of his asshole. "Fuck you, Applejack! Fuck- quit... draggin' me! I keep gettin' fucking dirt in my pores and shit!" Hacking a loogie of Earth back into its motherland, he craned his neck around painfully, the rest of his body not agreeing with the movement as it remained belly-down to drag a trench through the dirt. "I got a fuckin' rock in my mask!"

"Ah don't care, Delirious. Y'all got a lotta nerve doin' what y'all did." Not even wanting to give him the satisfaction of a simple glare in his general direction, Applejack continued onward, flicking her tail forward in the process. This only served to further torture poor Delirious, whose left ear soon began to collect large amounts of dirt that would cause a gardener to grow green with envy. Gritting his teeth, he looked down at the ground and attempted to push himself off the ground, only to slip back down once he realized that he was now being pulled at a faster rate.

Growling, he held his head up to the best of his ability and shouted, "It was fuckin' self defense!"

"Ya literally blew up a house! And y'all destroyed Twilight's front door with yer ass when ya came crashing in! You were tryin' ta pick a fight with what looked to be a seven year-old colt with some kinda mask on! Ah don't even know what's up with y'all and masks, but it's gettin' a little creepy."

"Who the hell do ya think threw me in?! Self. Defense! Lui woulda fuckin' killed me if you hadn't come try to help me!"

"Well Lui walked through the front door without a weapon in his hooves! Y'all were, first off, tryin' ta beat up a seven year-old, and second off, he was unarmed! Now if there's somethin' mah Pa taught me before he left, it's that you're one helluva prick killin' an unarmed pony."

Delirious threw a hoof into the ground, successfully turning himself over onto his back. Spewing a few pieces of clumped grass out of his mouth, he knitted his brow and groaned, "Just because he walked through without one doesn't mean he didn't have one before! He beat the shit out of me back at the field outside a fuckin' town, I barely got out of there alive man! Motherfucker wanted my bounty, can't believe he actually got it..." he crossed his arms at this part of the retelling, slightly annoyed that Vanoss could actually use one of those things, and especially annoyed that he had used it on him purely out of fuckery and dickery.

This caused Applejack to finally turn around, lowering her tail and making Delirious revert back to his previous distance from the mare. One hindleg sticking in the air - her lasso tied tightly around it - he looked at her with an incredibly pissed look. She gave him one in kind, though hers mirrored genuine concern rather than pure anger. Beginning to walk at an involuntarily slower pace, she asked incredulously, "Bounty?"

Two hooves went down Delirious' face, dragging it downward in the same vein as he along the dark brown Earth below. A raspy groan escaped his lips, coming out the mask in a slightly muffled way, "...ugh, yeah. Some dumbass bounty hunters placed one on me for some bullshit in some place I ain't never been to before." A raspberry was blown, and he added, "Had a pretty dumbass name too."

A smile crossed Applejack's lips, and she raised a brow as she asked, "Oh did they?" Looking up to her right and toward the sun, she called, "What was it? Tunnel Rats? Delta Squad?"

Delirious chuckled, "Worse. The fuckin' Bone Collectors."

Applejack suddenly stopped. Hard. Remaining like this for awhile, allowing the dust around Delirious to lift into the air, she stared with wide eyes at the candle that sat a thousand yards away. Delirious, free from his torment, scrambled to his hooves and wiped the dirt from his forelegs. Glaring at the mare, he raised a hoof, "The fuck's wrong with you?"

Applejack blinked.

And the candle still burned.

She blinked again.

Rolling his eyes, Delirious shrugged wildly into the air and proclaimed, "Fuck this. I'm done," and promptly turned about to leave. He immediately fell onto his face, happily provided by the lasso still tied around his left hindlegs cannon. Getting off the floor with a groggy, pained whimper, he held his head and turned back to make sure that Applejack hadn't seen that. Reaching a hoof down to the knot, he felt a tail slap at him with the weight of a thousand Rat Tails.

Cursing, he looked at his now marked flank and remembered its bareness.

Turning to Delirious, Applejack cleared her throat and croaked, "Sugarcube... do y'all remember that banana stand owner you used ta work for? The one Vanoss apparently left ya for?"

Delirious cringed inwardly, but nodded his head, "Yeah, fuckin' bitch too. Almost made me switch out my mask."

Applejack dipped her head and stared at him from under her eyebrows. "Yeah, well lemme tell ya somethin', but Ah gotta make sure. Are you..." she raised a hoof, "absolutely sure that they were called the Bone Collectors?"

Delirious immediately nodded.

"The leader of 'em? That's her husband." Applejack noticed his suddenly dilating pupils, well aware that he'd be scared about having yet another hit put on him. She gave a soft smile, "Only reason Ah know that is cuz Banana always bragged on an' on an' on about how she's got some deadly bounty hunter for a husband whenever we were havin' some kinda competition day at the market. Ah mean, obviously you think I wouldn't believe that - which I didn't - cuz it sounds so ridiculous, but now that Ah... know... Ah do."

Delirious swallowed a lump down his throat that he didn't prior realize he was harboring. Scratching the back of his neck, he kicked at the air behind him with his tied leg subconsciously, then noticed this and quickly halted it. Turning back to a laughing Applejack, he frowned at her to no avail. Shaking his head, he asked, "Y'all for real, Applejack?"

She sucked in a breath. "...yes. And it was pretty dumb of you ta work with her. Ya wanna get back on the ground now so Ah can lock you in the barn? Ah ain't takin' that rope off, and Ah doubt you have enough willpower and horsepower ta take it off yourself." She watched Delirious frown at her for a time, before he gave out a long groan that sounded like one a pony would make after waking up at three o' clock in the morning. Silently crawling onto the ground, he looked back up at her with an expectant look, then crossed his arms and glared at nothing but the sky, belly-up.

Giving a smile and a chuckle, Applejack jerked her tail forward and continued to walk.

"This is still fuckin' bullshit, you know."

"Well Sugarcube, you've been in a bit of a temper and you destroyed somepony's house, so Ah, along with the rest of the girls, think you should have a time out."

"Fuck you."

Applejack flashed him a grin, then turned back forward and continued onward to the marketplace. As the back of his head dragged along the dirt below him, and the bystanders on the street gave him and the mare not a single sideways glance, he suddenly gulped and looked about in a silent panic. Blinking up at the clouds above his head, he gulped once more and spoke to himself.

"Oh shit..."

Meanwhile, a few miles away, it was the officially the end of Cloudy Skies' shift, and so as the time ticked to one o' clock in the afternoon, she fixed her light blue mane and smiled at the blinking grandfather clock sitting in the waiting room. Sighing happily into the air, Skies blinked and found her gaze fixated on her counter. Her neat stacks of papers stared back up at her, her quill and ink sitting on the sidelines and awaiting orders from their owner. Not wanting to ruin her nice day, she looked away from them and decided not to think about how much paperwork had to be done.

Her eyes wandered elsewhere, and after a double-take, she adjusted her name plate sitting atop her shelf to increase its view from the front. Craning her neck around the counter, she tapped a hoof against its base to perfect its position, finding success after a few well-placed taps. Beaming, she peered over to her left to look into the waiting room. Finding it empty, she clapped her hooves together and gave off a split-second squeal of delight. No more waiting ponies meant no more extensions of service, and finally she would be able to return home.

It took her half a minute to realize that that time was now, and she hadn't left since her shift ended, which was now two minutes past. Suppressing the urge to throw a hoof into her face, she straightened herself and took her nurse's cap off, placing it on her desk to come back to tomorrow. Lowering a blue hoof down to her clothes, she unbuttoned the first button and allowed herself to get some much needed escape from heat. Thanking the powers that were, she picked up her bag from her chair and walked around her desk to leave the building.

All Cloudy Skies wanted to do for the rest of that day was return home to her kids, feed and bathe them, and cook them all dinner when her husband returned from his trip for work. All she wanted to do was make some fucking macaroni.

And, as the front door swung open with a gentle creak through the air, she immediately realized that this was not gonna be possible.

Stopping mid-step, her bag slung over her back, Cloudy Skies watched as a trio of individuals stared at her as if they were her kids caught with their hooves in the cookie jar. She blinked, a small frown on her face growing deeper every passing second. The front door stayed where it was, courtesy of the admittedly cute colt holding it open with his back pressed against it. Inside, she wondered what exactly he was wearing on his head. Looking at the rest of them, she began to wonder what they all were wearing.

A green Unicorn, a large paper bag nestled over his head, stared at her in a hush, his two forelegs carrying one foreleg of a pony up the three-step staircase in the front of the building. Next to him, oddly enough, was a pig with a snow white helmet on dragging one foreleg up as well. Though she knew she would regret this, she ascended into the air with her tippy-hooves and caught the glimpse of yet another pony holding two hooves out as if saying stop from behind the first set of open doors. Presumably wearing what appeared to be an owl mask, he glared at her though she knew a fearful expression was underneath.

Currently wedged in between the doors was an unconscious stallion, his body armor gleaming in the bright lights of the hospital's ceiling lamps. From where she stood, Cloudy Skies noticed a large white stenciling on the outside of the armor that read Iron Sights. Guessing that it was the stallion's name, she cast a glance at the small colt trying to push against the door, cursing all the while with words she didn't want to even think were real things. Bashing at it with an elbow, he grit his teeth and began to beat it harder, only to stop as he suddenly looked up at the nurse.

Giving one final hit into the glass door, he cleared his throat squeakily.

Cloudy Skies looked down at the floor, and now noticed that a few splotches of blood marked the area underneath Iron Sights.

Closing her eyes, she breathed in and then out, and then threw a hoof into her forehead.

It was going to be a long day.

Two Oranges And A Banana

Shit was fucking everywhere.

Delirious, not having a bag anywhere on his person, had no way of cleaning it up whatsoever, and so he took one disgusted glance at the lumpy coffee stain, screwed his face up, and cleared his throat to force the vomit back down. Raising an eyebrow, he turned his head to stare at the creature sitting next to him and found the dog violently wagging her tail at him. With her tongue sticking out and her figure looking ready to pounce, she stared up at him with absolute glee unmatched by any purer cinnamon rolls.

Giggling like a madman, he spoke, "That's fucking disgusting, Winona."

Winona responded with a simple bark that almost made him smile in delight. Tapping his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Delirious turned around to scan his surroundings, surprisingly finding no current observers in the otherwise very busy marketplace. The pile of shits fumes flew up into the air, which caused a bit of a problem for Delirious. Told to wait outside while Applejack and Apple Bloom got groceries, he couldn't exactly just leave, but he wasn't exactly immune to the distinct smell of dog poop.

Scratching the back of his neck and then coughing into the hoof, Delirious blinked.

Winona barked up at him again.

Taking a glance back at the Jolly Roger Grocery Store, Delirious frowned, shrugged, and simply proclaimed, "Ah fuck it." Pulling his left foreleg, he jerked his head out toward the marketplace stands and said, "C'mon Winona." Tugging her leash softly, Delirious led the Border Collie across the grassy road, making sure to keep checking at his behind to make sure that Winona was neither sniffing it, nor shitting on the ground by it again. The last thing he wanted was to be falsely accused of public indecency or whatever the hell it was.

Thinking about this caused him to look back at Winona, thankfully finding her following him closely behind his rear, head fanning around to stare at everything the market had to offer. Delirious raised a brow, knowing that this couldn't be the first time she'd seen it. Trotting through the grass, he tugged Winona alongside him, rewarded with the pitter patter of her paws in the dirt. Suddenly, Delirious stopped, his hooves tapping the ground out of sync with one another as he nervously pranced about. Groaning all the while, he swept his head back to the grocery store and back to the marketplace.

His stomach chose to rumble at that time, and Winona barked.

He glared.

"Fuck."

Licking his lips, he turned tail and began to walk back to the store with his hooves dragging through the dirt.

And once again he stopped.

He growled, bearing his teeth and grinding them against one another in a blanco embrace. Winona, not realizing his frustration, ran up to him and began to paw at his side. Looking down at her, his frown softened a tad, only to reappear in a slightly different form. Narrowing his eyes, he looked from one destination to the other, drew his head back, and allowed his ears to flatten against the side of his head. Groaning once again, Delirious fell to his haunches and crossed his arms. Winona walked over to his side and stared at him with glee.

Flattening his lips, Delirious raised his hoof to scratch his ass. Wait. Raising the appendage, he gave it a single, hard glimpse before lowering it to find the Collie looking at him intently. Blowing air out of his nose, Delirious thought for a while, fussing inside his head. Finally, with one fell swoop, he raised the leg, brought the leash close to his face, and unclipped it from Winona's collar. Placing the leash by his side, Delirious waved a hoof at the dog, "Alright. Pick a side."

Winona turned her head left, and then turned her head right.

Without even a second more of observation, Winona chose left, and began to walk toward the grocery store with a spring in her step. Delirious glowered, but got off his ass and followed the dog back to the side of the building. Sitting back down next to the front doors, Winona watched as Delirious joined her, his back sliding down the brick wall as he rubbed his face with both hooves. Settling down on the grass, he looked at Winona, who placed her front paws on Delirious' front hooves. Laughing, Delirious patted the dog's head, receiving a happy bark in response.

Thinking, the Pegasus moved his right side up off the ground, a hoof reaching to his crotch. Coming back out, Delirious raised the granola bar into the air, waving it around as if it were a bag of ricin. Winona, understandably, was fuckin' happy about it. Unwrapping the bar's covering, he held it out for her. Quickly snatching it from his grasp, Winona began to feast on her treat. Smiling, and chuckling, Delirious watched the dog go wild with it.

He froze.

"Oh shit that was chocolate."

Getting up from his spot, he reached a hoof out to grab the now-apparent cyanide from the dog's jaw, only successful with a small chunk left covered with crinkling plastic. Biting his tongue hard enough to draw blood, Delirious threw his hooves into the sides of Winona's face, turning her eyes his way. Releasing his right leg's grasp, he jabbed it into the dog's mouth to retrieve the candy bar, snarling all the while, "Let the fuck go goddammit!"

Pulling, he yanked his leg back with enough force to break it. Looking down at its end, he found nothing on the ground next to him. He swallowed a lump down his throat, then rubbed his shoulder to soften the dulling pain resounding across it. He hissed audibly like a venomous snake, rolling up his nonexistent sleeves before marching over to the still-feasting dog. Calmly placing one hoof on Winona's back, he snaked the other one past her nose to confuse her. Confused, she looked that way.

Delirious sprang into action. Swiftly bringing the distraction back to his front, he proceeded to grab at Winona's jaw, opening it with a flail of his hoof. Bringing the hoof up with gusto, he shoved it down the Collie's gullet in an attempt to rid her of the poison currently on its way to her stomach.

It was at that moment that a swishing of doors took place in Delirious' world, and a voice shouted out for him.

"Delirious! The hay you doin' ta Winona?"

Delirious' eyes shrunk to mere pinpricks, and, swiftly, he rose to his hooves to face the music. Walking up to him were Applejack and Apple Bloom, their saddlebags bulging with what Delirious assumed to be groceries. Looking up at the mare, he listened as she spoke to him. "Delirious, ya mind tellin' me what was happenin' here?"

Though she bore a rather serious tone, Delirious felt that it wasn't genuine. She'd crack soon enough, if he didn't first. Scratching the back of his neck, he spoke, "Uh, she smelled somethin' on my fuckin' hand." Ignoring the confused brow from Apple Bloom, he began to speak but was interrupted by a laugh to his left.

"What, did y'all have peanut butter or somethin' on there? Winona can't help 'erself around that stuff." Looking down at the Border Collie, Applejack pursed her lips and cooed, "Ain't that right Winona? Ain't that right." Mussing up Winona's fur with an orange hoof, Applejack rose back to her prior position with a smile on her face. "Alrighty then! C'mon y'all, we've gotta get back to the apple stand. Apple Bloom?" The filly looked up at her sister with a curious look. "You go ahead. Ah'll walk with Delirious here so he doesn't get lost today."

"Why's tha..." Trailing off as Apple Bloom sped off, he quickly joined Applejack's side to resume his question, "Uh, why's that?"

Applejack cocked an eyebrow, "Why's what now?"

"Why's Apple Bloom headin' off by herself like that?"

"Oh!" Applejack chuckled, "Ah told 'er before Ah headed to the welcomin' party that Ah thought she could finally handle the apple cart by herself. You shoulda seen how fast she flew off the first time Ah told her. Think she mighta beaten her morning record this time though! Look through the crowd, Sugarcube," she said, leaning to her right and pointing down the road they were traversing, "she's already there."

Following the mare's movement, he indeed found the yellow filly proudly standing behind the counter. Waving a hoof around, she looked to already be attracting customers. Beginning to walk into the large, bustling crowd of the market, Delirious and Applejack scooted closer to on another, sharing a look as they realized there was no way they'd be able to hold a decent conversation amidst all the noise. Instead, they shared a smile and walked down the pathway toward the apple cart.

With Applejack's saddlebags rubbing against his wings in the most uncomfortable way, the noon-high sun's heat beating down on him, and the ponies surrounding him softly brushing past him, Delirious would have found it very annoying and stressful had it not been for the mare next to him. Grunting as a green Earth pony slightly shoved him out of the way, Delirious turned his head and snarled nastily as he continued walking. Not looking where he was going, he soon bumped into somebody, and turned around to shout at them.

A yellow mare stared at him, her jaw slack in surprise as she presumably gasped from the contact. Quickly, her mouth formed into a smile, and she beamed, "Oh, hello Delirious! Nice seeing you here!"

Thankfully able to hear her as the ponies around them headed elsewhere in the marketplace, Delirious raised a hoof to answer, but was once again interrupted as Applejack found her way back to his side. Grinning wildly, she exclaimed, "Howdy Fluttershy! Ah thought y'all were still at the party!"

"Oh, I was, but Twilight said that we were starting to run out of bananas, so I thought I'd go back to my cottage because I thought I still had some on the counter, but I didn't find any," Delirious groaned. Applejack kicked him in the side as Fluttershy finished, "so I came here to buy some more!"

"Well, just make sure that whatever ya do, ya don't buy 'em from Banana Split."

"Oh, I won't–"

Another voice came from behind Fluttershy, one that sounded oddly familiar to Delirious.

"Oh Fluttershy, you won't believe what I just found back there by the blanket shop! Did you know that they sell pretzels covered in chocolate?!"

Delirious stopped.

The figure hovering next to Fluttershy halted.

Delirious blinked.

The figure blinked in kind.

Fluttershy's face lit up.

"Oh there you are, Discord! I thought you went back to the cottage, I was going to surprise you with some soup tonight, but I guess since you're still here it... isn't really a surprise anymore..."

Discord narrowed his eyes, almost glaring at the blue Pegasus before him. Flinging a claw full of chocolate pretzels into his mouth, he chewed them deafeningly before asking one simple question.

"And who could you be?"

Author's Note

I'll make sure the next chapter isn't so short. Sorry about that! :twilightsheepish: :heart:

Now Go!

"It's just down the hall, sir." Smiling at the masked stallion, who nodded her way, Holly Wreath turned tail and began to walk down the hospital's hallway, her hooves clip-clopping against the floor to accompany the noisy rooms they passed by. Her clipboard lay against her body, gripped to her white outfit by her light yellow wing. Biting her lower lip, she took a sideways glance to her left and found the owl mask glaring past her. Noticing her gaze, it turned to her and her blood about turned cold.

Swallowing a lump down her throat, Holly regained her composure and grinned, "So.. uh, are you family?"

The stallion leaned his head back slightly, humming before replying, "Mmm, yeah. We're cousins."

Holly, intrigued, prodded, "Oh? Where are you from?"

He turned to his left and to his right, then leaned forward to stare at something for a split second. Returning to his prior position, he responded cheerily, "Manehattan!"

Holly's face lit up, and she took a moment to look ahead of herself to make sure she wasn't about to hit something, then looked back at her companion and beamed, "What part?" She suppressed her wings' urge to spring up in excitement, "I'm from Beekcolt Place!" Continuing onward, she waited for her answer as the duo resumed their stroll down the hospital wing. Licking her lips idly, she turned her head to find that the stallion was pointing down the left wall with a jerk of his head.

"Is he there?"

"Yup! Uh..." she unfurled her left wing and dropped her clipboard onto her waiting tail, which flailed upward and launched it over her head, which she caught with her teeth and spat into her now-raised left forehoof. Looking to her companion to see if he had been impressed, Holly's face fell as she found him continuing to stare at the coming patient's door. Frowning, she pouted to the floor, told him, "Room 213," and then stood straight when he spoke up.

"Hey, I've gotta.. tell him a few things about his family back home, so if you mind..?"

Holly sheepishly grinned, "Oh, of course! Once we get down there I'll give you two some privacy." She cleared her throat, "I uh, I know it's supposed to be confidentiality and all, but I'm curious. Is it anything bad...? If you don't mind telling me, that is. Sorry if it's–"

The red stallion raised a hoof, chuckling underneath his mask, "Don't worry, it's alright. His uh, his dad got hit by a train while he was applying for a job."

Holly raised a hoof to her mouth, gasping in shock, "Oh my gosh that's horrible!"

He flailed a hoof, "He's alright though. I mean... as alright as you can be after getting hit by a fu–" he bit his lip, "freaking train. I've just gotta tell ol' Iron Sights to head on back to see him once he gets outta here which will be... when exactly Miss...?"

Holly blushed, "I'm Holly Wreath! Sorry! Who are you?"

The owl pony scratched the back of his neck and glared at the ceiling above his head, "Uh, my name's Brown Streak." He cursed instantly in his head. Fuck.

Sure enough, Holly giggled into a hoof, her nurse's outfit shaking violently as she struggled to stow her coughing fit. Wiping her lips, she beat her chest aggressively and quickly apologized, "I'm sorry, it's dusty in here." Noticing that he had stopped, Holly swiveled her sights to her left, realizing that they were at the door leading to Iron Sight's hospital bed. Brown Streak reached up to the door, but was halted as Holly practically shouted, "Let me get that for you!"

Brown drew his neck back in surprise, but returned it as he noticed her extremely embarrassed expression. Nodding toward the door, he watched as Holly clicked the knob open with expertise and pushed the door in with the silence of a church mouse. Stepping into the room, she and Brown Streak were met with the sounds of a heart monitor beeping at a quiet pace. Making sure her hooves were in a like manner, she looked at Brown and waved a hoof at Iron Sights, who lay on the bed with a brace on his neck and around his back. His eyes shut, he sank his head into a pillow as Holly began to exit the room with a quick, "I'll give you two a few minutes and I'll be back."

The door shut softly.

Now alone, Vanoss raised his head toward the ceiling and rolled his eyes with a groan. Letting the mask jolt back down to glare at the floor, he lifted it and stared at Iron Sights in silence. Sighing into the air, he reached into his crotch and pulled out his Pistol .50. Cocking the slide back with a hoof, he stood menacingly in the light of the white hospital room.

Outside, two ponies and a pig sat on the grass, impatiently glaring up at the window of their target's room with glares on their brows. Growling, Wildcat kicked at a loose pile of grass and felt no satisfaction as it sailed a few feet away. "Goddammit when the fuck is he gonna do it already? He's been in there for like five fuckin' hours."

"He's probably jerkin' off in the bathrooms again–"

Wildcat raised a hoof Nogla's way angrily, "That was one fuckin' time, Nogla! I didn't know he was in there!" Ignoring the Irishman's deep laughter, he shook his head and began to pace furiously. Slowly creating a trail in the green pasture, the pig bickered to himself for a little over three seconds before diverting his anger to the small colt leaning against a tree. Smoking his cigar in peace, he narrowed his eyes as Wildcat cursed, "Hey Lui! Get yer monkey ass over here! We've gotta get the hell outta here once Evan's done, there's gonna be no time for fuckin' around!"

Lui got up, walking toward the duo as he asked, "What, Vanoss isn't done yet?"

"Fuck no. You'd think it'd be easy!"

"We literally just told him to go in there and kill the guy in the coma! How the hell is he not done yet?!"

At that moment, all three heard the sound of glass breaking, and stared straight up the hospital walls to find something smashing against the window. As it completely blew apart, their eyes widened as Vanoss fell down toward the trio, his legs flailing around violently as he screamed at the top of his lungs...

...his body currently and completely on fucking fire from head to toe. Landing with a hard crunch by his friends' hooves, he attempted to drop and roll, seeing as how he'd already stopped, but found no success and continued to yell in pain. Scrambling to his side, all three of them pulled out fire extinguishers and began to spray him clean. His charred fur sticking to the rest of his body, Vanoss threw his owl mask off his head and lulled his tongue out, breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon. Gritting his teeth, he moved his head up and down for half a minute before leering up at the skies and yelling.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK."

Wildcat tossed his extinguisher to the ground, shaking his head as he laughed, "You fuckin' dumbass bitch, how in the hell did you fuck that up?!"

Vanoss scurried to his hooves, swiping the air around him angrily as he did so. Bearing his teeth, he reached for his owl mask while Nogla spoke.

"What, were they pumping steroids in him before you went in?"

"Shut the hell up, Nogla." Placing his mask back onto his head, the Canadian coughed into a hoof and reached into his crotch. Retrieving an Egochaser, he began to unwrap it, but found himself making a loud fuss as he noticed how shaky his grasp was. Gritting his teeth, he struggled to peel the candy bar's covering off and started whimpering from a sudden onslaught of stress. From behind him, he heard laughter that slowly rose in volume, then promptly jumped as a pink hoof snatched the Egochaser out of his hoof.

Sitting on his rump, Wildcat ripped the wrapping off with a clenching of his teeth and a whip of his head, then began to eat as noisily as was humanly possible. Vanoss turned toward him with an unavoidable glare on his mask.

"What the fuck's goin' on in there?!"

The owl and the pig looked to the hospital with sudden shrunk eyes. Across the field, coming from the main entrance of the building, was the telltale sound of a sadistic and bloody struggle. As the group looked from one another, only one culprit could be placed as the aggressor. Lui, who stood at the front of their makeshift viewing parallelogram, began to step back in caution, almost stepping on his own tail in the process a few times. Nogla, who was behind Lui, saw what his friend was doing and mimicked his movement.

Screams, thumps, and screeches flew from the hospital, all growing in strength until swiftly, finally, the front doors simply found themselves launched clear across the grass in a cloud of dust a half mile away. Now in a horizontal line facing the right side of the door, Vanoss, Wildcat, Nogla, and Lui could only watch as a freshly pissed Iron Sights ran out from the building, his body armor fresh with blood and his teeth bore so tightly they could see their white coloring almost five yards away.

Looking around, Iron pressed his gloved hooves into the grass underneath him, his crossbow whirling about freely on its pivot point connected to his saddlebag. Starting a low growl, he soon issued a war cry and reared up on his hindlegs, kicking his fores around before kicking off toward town with a menacing demeanor in both his step and his sight.

Author's Note

Can I just mention that, despite my never having played MGS:V yet, DD is the fucking greatest animal in a video game ever apart from Fallout's Dogmeats?

LOOK AT THIS BADASS MOTHERFUCKER.

P.S. Also that Far Cry 4 reference is next chapter! :raritywink: Led you on, sucker! 9/17/15

P.P.S. Happy birthday, Outta My Mind! Thanks for everything guys! It's been a great year so far, hope you all stick around for this all to be finished! From what I have planned, we're almost reaching the halfway point with this chapter! :heart: 9/21/15

God I don't like my writing anymore. I wrote this author's note like two weeks ago when I first started this chapter. I'm gonna write a blog once I release this.

Adjective. In An Acutely Disturbed State Of Mind Resulting From Illness Or Intoxication.

Swinging around the corner, the group of six sprinted as fast as their hearts allowed, the mare in front breathlessly yelling directions into the rush of wind attacking her face. Screeching to a halt, she narrowed her eyes for a brief second and stared down the grass-walled hallway. Licking her lips furiously, she dared not even look behind her as she pointed a hoof along the path. With a snarl on her lips and a clenching in her gut, Applejack opened her mouth and roared.

"Go!"

Immediately, as one, she and her group sped down yet another section of the maze, the sounds of the raging storm and rustling black clouds deafening above them. Slowly watching as Apple Bloom began to overtake her, Applejack grit her teeth and turned her head to stare down the dark pathway behind them. Seeing a rather-terrified Wildcat, a pretty-damn-scared Nogla, and a could-give-less-of-a-shit Vanoss, she focused on the gap in between them to find that the killer was still chasing after them, the horrible sounds of his demonic laughter echoing down the green hall.

Swallowing a lump down her throat, Applejack turned around, finding Apple Bloom and Lui now sharing the lead. Increasing her pace, she hoped that the other three behind her were doing the same as well. Not wanting to leave them behind, she gulped a quick breath and aimed her mouth a little to her left to shout over the thunder, "Faster, dangit! We gotta get the hay outta here!"

Hoping that that was enough, Applejack bowed her head and resumed her previous action. Hearing sounds of increasingly pained breathing, she allowed herself an inward smirk that most definitely would have taken a lot out of her in an outward form. Suddenly, a voice called out to her in a vein attempt to mock her.

"Huh, huh, so what?! Huh, you suddenly done cussing?!"

She bore her teeth, turning to face the obvious Wildcat, "Shut the hell up an' move!"

It was Wildcat's turn to look behind them, shouting so he could reach the front leaders, "What the fuck even is that thing?!"

Nogla continued to stare forward as he ran, "Whatever the hell it is, it can run pretty fuckin' fast!"

Vanoss rolled his eyes from underneath his mask, yelling, "That means hurry the fuck up!"

Listening to their Canadian Compañero, the two shut their mouths and increased their speed, sticking closer together to the rest of the group, which was now reduced to nothing but a steady train of hitched breathing. As they took a left and proceeded to enter another long stretch, this was the only sound remaining as the storm above calmed down for a brief minute. Looking around anxiously, Nogla gave a short chuckle and snort, asking, "So."

The others blinked.

"Who wants ta try talkin' to 'im–"

A quick pig shove and a red hindleg later, Nogla suddenly spiraled end over end, screaming swears at a mile a minute as he found himself completely separated from the group that now took a right turn away from him. Having witnessed the act, Applejack—her mouth completely agape—turned toward Vanoss and Wildcat with an utterly shocked look. The two shared a laugh, but cleared their throats once they noticed the mare's glare. Muttering a curse to the Gods with a shake of her head, Applejack stared forward once again.

Realizing that Bloom and Lui were now on either side of her, Applejack sped up to take the lead again, just in time for the group to reach a large crossroads. Her decision already made within five feet from it, she pointed her tail and nodded her head to the right, signaling their next turn. Slowing down a bit to meet his friends, Lui looked up at Wildcat and spoke, "Y'know, when we were playing that Murder Maze shit back in like November, I didn't really expect to be doing it again!"

Wildcat gave him no response other than a split-second glance. Lui, an eyebrow cocked, watched as Wildcat's front hoof twitched. Knowing what was coming, Lui ducked his head and waited. With sudden finesse, Wildcat brought out a heavy pistol and aimed it at Lui's head, who grabbed hold of the offending hoof and wrestled the firearm free. Pressing the magazine release button on the side, Lui placed the gun's slide into his mouth and quickly slammed the ass-end of it on Wildcat's head, dislodging the loaded bullet that now flew into the air and landed in the dirt behind them.

Keeping it in his teeth, Lui began to bludgeon the pig with it, who started to curse like a five year old being poked.

"Goddammit, stop–" Wildcat shouted, trying his hardest to push the small colt away, "you little fucker!"

"Surprise bitch!"

An owl-masked Earth Pony slid into play, attempting to crash into his smaller tribe member. Said small tribe member, not having any of that, quickly hopped onto the decelerating Wildcat's back, jumping onto Vanoss' with a squeaky grunt of effort. Throwing both forelegs around Vanoss' neck, Lui began the most-likely very short act of strangling him to death. Feeling a biting on his tail, Lui clenched tighter, bringing both Vanoss and Wildcat down with him as they fell to the ground in a cloud of dust. Looking behind them in a panic, they scrambled to their hooves with a very simple spamming of, "Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!"

Lui, now the caboose, spun around and began to sprint backwards. Reeling his head back, he chucked the heavy pistol at their pursuer, who caught it on the head and cried out in pain. Eyes wide—now realizing he'd probably just pissed it off—Lui turned tail as abruptly as a soldier and joined the others, who took an immediate right with no questions asked. Wildcat, who was on his right, spoke up amidst a trio of breaths.

"Can we just fuckin' split up or something?! I'm not gonna deal with this shit anymore!"

"You wanna split up an' die, that's fine by me Sugarcube!"

"Okay–"

"But keep in mind whether you'd rather be shot or stabbed by some crazy damn lunatic in an isolated hedge maze! Y'all still feel pain, don't'cha?!"

Wildcat shut up.

"That's what Ah thought–"

"Surprise motherfucker!"

Jumping out of the bushes to the group's left, Nogla quickly rejoined them with a glare on his brow and a patch of blood on his paper bag. Glaring at Wildcat and Vanoss, he growled, "You guys are fuckin' assholes, ya know that?!" Vanoss and Wildcat looked at one another, presumably grinning underneath their respective masks. Rolling his eyes, Nogla murmured to himself, "For fuck's sake..."

"There! Ah... Ah think Ah can see the exit! Apple Bloom, stay behind me!" Smiling down at her sister, who did as she was told, Applejack glared at the open gate and continued, "Ain't no tellin' what's gonna greet us once we make it out there." Reaching her breaking point, she turned her head to look for the murderer, only to find that he had simply vanished. Even so much as waiting for five seconds showed nothing, the area behind them completely barren of any sign of their pursuer. Smirking ever so slightly, Applejack shifted her sights back ahead of her just in time to witness their escape from the hedge maze.

As the six slowly screeched to a halt, Applejack was the first to completely stop. Wildcat, the first to drop to the floor in a sweat, threw his hooves over his eyes and shouted, "Oh thank God."

As breathless laughter came to her from all around, Applejack took her hat off her head and wiped her brow, replacing the article once she was done. Looking at the rest of her group with a cocky smirk on her lips, she furrowed her brow and spoke heroically, "We sure beat him didn't we? Ah think we're safe guys." Wiping her grimy hooves on her coat, Applejack gave out a loud whistle of satisfaction. This only served one purpose that made itself clear as the bushes adjacent to the gate suddenly rustled, startling the ponies (and pig) who turned to find their chaser running toward them with a machete in his teeth and a war cry in his lungs.

Clip clopping against the stone, he made it about five feet before his cry slowly died down and his steps became less obvious. Stopping on the spot, he blinked rapidly in an attempt to convey Morse code to the group he had been tormenting. The machete still in his mouth, H2O Delirious fiddled with his hooves and stared at his friends, who stared back with increasingly growing frowns. The jet black clouds and the thunderous whirlwind faded away, leaving only a gray sky that matched the color of Delirious' long-forgotten raccoon mask.

He threw his neck forward in an instant response to their questions.

"What the fuck, Delirious?!"

"What the fuck, man?!"

"What the hell, asshole?!"

"Dude are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

"Delirious, what the hay?!"

"What the hell Delirious..."

Stalking in silence away from them, he ignored their pestering as he returned to his rightful place. Waiting for their reaction that he would surely enjoy, Delirious quickened his pace. Though the disbelief continued, they eventually died down as his destination came into view. From the horizon spawned a large, golden throne with a shimmering Jason mask on its back and a red cushion for his tush. Smirking underneath his mask, Delirious felt his head and found that yet another part of his mask had broken, this one being a large part on the top right. Realizing that it was the heavy pistol that had been flung at his head, he growled under his breath and climbed the three shorts steps up to his throne.

Jumping into it and turning around, he pawed at the bottom like a domestic canine and reclined on the right armrest. Muddling up his cheek, he sighed into the air as his friends stood before him, glares on their faces and obvious intent of murder in their hooves. Tapping his armrest twice, he heard a small fwoosh sound and felt the crown fall atop his head. Looking down at his friends for their impressions, he watched as they, in perfect synchronization, rolled their eyes and crossed their forelegs with a falling to their respective rumps. Still maintaining their body language, they looked at one another with looks of oddity.

Applejack, who sat in the center of the group, looked toward the sky and shouted.

"Discord! Get yer butt out here! Ah know you're behind all this!"

"Discord isn't comin', Applejack!" Delirious said, "He doesn't have ta listen ta you!"

To his disbelief, the Draconequus appeared, his head slowly rising from a swirling, blue-ringed portal in the ground. Looking up at Applejack, who jumped when she noticed, he spoke with a toothy grin, "There you are, Applejack! I was wondering when you'd come."

Getting off the floor, Applejack puffed out her chest and frowned, "Discord, this 's gone too far. Y'all need ta put it back the way it was." She stamped her hoof on the ground. "Now."

From the throne came Delirious' voice, which told her, "That's not gonna work! He ain't listenin' to you Applejack! Y'all can't just tell him what ta–"

A snapping of his fingers and a crossing of his arms, Discord pouted out his lower lip and spat, "Fine..."

With the blink of an eye, the weather became sunny, the birds began singing, the flowers began blooming, kids like you were burning in hell, and the landscape of Ponyville reverted back to normal. Delirious, previously sitting on his throne about a few feet off the ground, found his crown and said throne disappear in a flash. Falling with a shout to the ground, he landed on his ass and felt something break. Sucking on his teeth, he winced in pain and felt his rear with a shaky hoof.

Walking over to him with an annoyed look on her face, Applejack grabbed his hoof with hers and began to drag him away from the scene, simply and discreetly mocking him, "Now that that's over, Ah'm gonna take ya to the Foal's Frolic ta get yer ass checked out." Listening to him fuss, she shook her hoof aggressively and hissed, "C'mon now ya lazy varmint."

The other five, pointing and laughing at the fallen king, joined them as they headed into town. Feeling through his scalp with his lion's paw, Discord watched them go, a flat-lipped expression on his face as he listened to the sounds of ponies leaving the safeties of their homes. Breathing in and out of his nostrils, he looked up at the sky and watched the sun beat down on him from above. Narrowing his eyes, he heard a voice speak to him from behind. Turning to it, he found a light yellow mare glaring at him with a scrunched frown.

"You're in big trouble, Mister."

Discord turned once more, looking back at the escaping group of friends. His eyes flitted from one to the other, and as he landed on one individual in particular, he placed his paw in the air toward Fluttershy to give her a silent moment of recluse. Hearing her harumph, he assumed that he had been given permission and opened his wings. Gliding toward the group's rear, he gave a sly smile and lifted his bird's claw, tapping the small colt on the flank. As he had been standing in the back, nobody noticed as he turned around to stare the literal God of Chaos in the face.

Lui Calibre blinked, cocking his head.

"Uh, hi," he squeaked.

"Hello there, Mr. Calibre."

Feeling Discord's arm drape over his shoulder as he was led away, Lui cocked an eyebrow, "You know my name?"

The Draconequus blew a raspberry, "Pfft, of course I know who you are! I wouldn't trust anypony else for this, believe me!" Craning his neck down, he looked into the colt's masked face and grinned, stabbing him with his claw, "Now you, you've got a fire in you, I can see it. So what say you and I... how do I put this.. talk for awhile? I've got a good idea in mind for you that I'd like you to hear."

Walking with the God of Chaos, Lui's face brightened up as he squealed, "Oh! Can we have Cheerios?!"

Discord chuckled as he began to walk in Fluttershy's direction, sticking his right arm out to wave across the skyline inspiringly.

"Of course, of course! You can have all the Cheerios you could ever want after you and I are done, kiddo."

Author's Note

About a few chapters more and we'll reach the halfway point, guys! I'd say, eh, maybe three more until then. Hope you enjoyed! :heart:

No Sandwiches

"How the hell do you know my name?"

One elbow on the stand, he half expected from the sunken side of his pressed cheek that the mare would simply ignore his question, something he had grown accustomed to for the past few years thanks to his friends constantly doing so to fuck with him. Instead, a smile on her face and an honestly-foreseen spring in her step, she answered him kindly as she tightened her apron and adjusted her hat with her magic.

"What, ya think ponies 'round here don't know who you aw yet?"

She spoke with a distinct Bostonian accent. Delirious decided that that was kind of bothering.

He raised a brow. "Not exactly, but like," he looked to his left, taking the time to admire the different flavors underneath the glass frame, "it's not exactly good..."

Vanilla Bean immediately chuckled loudly, slapping a hoof against her knee as she let her head fall to glare at the ground in amusement. Letting out a long breath, she leaned forward to stare at Delirious with a sly expression on her face. Tapping a hoof against her cart, she spoke, "Delirious, like it er not ponies 'round here love ya."

He blinked.

"Yeah yeah, hahd ta believe considerin', but ponies love ya! You can thank Applejack fer most o' that, but after you dealt wit' Banana Split an' all, I guess ponies just started likin' ya." Grinning at him almost sheepishly, Vanilla lit her horn and magicked her silver scooper into the air, "I mean, you'd think they'd be a little more wary a you since you've destroyed the local fast-food chain, murdered yer friends in cold blood, and cursed more times than Noteworthy over there," she stated, pointing her hoof at said stallion standing across the street. Immediately, his ears perked up as if he had heard his name amidst the talkative behavior of a midsummer market day, "but hey! You think that's bad..."

Watching as the Unicorn hovered a cone in front of her—which soon after found a nice helping of chocolate on top of it—Delirious opened his mouth slightly, his eyes narrowed as he rolled his right hoof dramatically, its form ending in a simple gesture that made it look like he was waiting for something to be dropped into it. Emphasizing a front thrust with his head, he bluntly replied, "Yeah."

"Hey now, lemme finish, ya Tookie!" Vanilla said with a glare, raising a hoof to the air as she spooned another scoop onto the waffle cone, "Like I said, ya think that's bad, ya ain't evuh seen how Ponyville was the first yeauh Twilight came. I swear, we got attacked by cute-ass bugs, a flyin' goat hoper, some kinda sexy black shape-shiftuh, a bitchuva magician, whatever th' hell a Tirek is, an' Nightmare Moon came outta the blue to send us ta hell!" A blush forming on her cheeks, she grinned nervously and levitated the ice cream cone toward Delirious, "Sorry 'bout all that, didn't mean ta say that in front of th' little one."

Delirious cocked his head, a soft but understanding smile on his lips.

"Look Delirious. All you've done, good and bad... it's all loads more okay than what this town 's been through in the past few years alone. Just remember that, alright?"

Delirious scratched the back of his neck, letting the hoof drop to reach for the treat. Feeling a sudden bump to his side, he looked down to his right and found a pair of rather hungry eyes staring at him with admittedly adorable annoyance. He quietly called the source a dickhead, then rolled his eyes as he dramatically side-stepped. Falling to his haunches—both to get bits out of his pocket and to cross his forelegs—he watched as Lui Calibre threw his forelegs onto the stand, his rump wiggling around like some kind of lust-ridden dog high on Viagra.

"Heyuh ya go, little guy!" Passing it off to the young colt, who spoke his immediate thanks, Vanilla smiled deeply as he began to furiously lick at it. Chuckling, she waved at him as he began to walk off. "Make shuh ya don't eat it too fast now! Ya might get a brain-freeze!"

Quietly repeating, "Shit," to himself over and over again, Delirious scrambled to his hooves to place the two bits on the ice cream stand in front of Vanilla Bean. Giving him a cocked eyebrow, she took his money with a short huff and shoved it into her cash register. Throwing a few wisps of brown hair out of her eyes, she elbowed Delirious with a wink and said to him simply.

"Don't go doin' anythin' stupid now, alright buddy?"

Flattening his lips and squinting his blue eyes, Delirious replied, "Alright." Turning tail, he began to walk away from the stand, only to stop and glance back at the mare. She still stood there, leaning her cheek into her hoof as she stared at him with an eyebrow toward the sky. Looking to his left and back to his right, Delirious pursed his lips, stared ahead, and finally returned his gaze to Vanilla, nodding his head quickly before jogging away at a steady pace.

Following the backside of his monkey-masked young friend, Delirious growled under his breath and called, "Wait up, Lui!" Going at the same pace as earlier, Delirious stared straight ahead and saw that the young colt had not changed his either. Sighing heavily, Delirious scraped his hooves against the dirt and sped up, his fur beginning to finally find its weight around him. Ultimately reaching Lui's side, he shook his head as he sucked in a breath and pressed his lower lip upward, berating him, "Don't fuckin' run off like that, goddammit." Assuming that he was fully listening, Delirious stared ahead and finished, "I don't want you ta fuckin' do anything stupid."

With a moment of silence treating him as his only response, Delirious narrowed his eyes and glared down at Lui.

"Did you just hear what I said bitch?"

Lui suddenly jumped, looking up at his friend for a single second of his life, only to stare back to the area in front of him with a simple squeak, "Oh, sorry." Now looking back up at Delirious, who had opened his mouth in preparation for an argument, Lui nodded his head toward his ice cream and said, "I have to eat this before it melts!" Making noises as he licked it as if it were a... mm, never mind... Lui continued his assault. Delirious on the other hand blinked rapidly, then stared upward and tilted his head quizzically.

"Wonder why the sun's so fuckin' hot lately..."

"Whatever it is," Lui began, still eating, "it sure is making eating this amazing ice cream hard!"

"Yeah, well make sure you–"

Lui bit a chunk out of the top-most scoop, "Mmm! Chocolate!"

"Can you just–"

Delirious looked down to find that, in an instant of him talking, Lui had dropped the top-most scoop of his ice cream, and was now staring down at it like it were a dying fish in a dried up lake gasping desperately for air. An assumed look of horror under his mask, he cried, "Delirious...! I think my freakin' ice cream–"

"Why'djy'all bring me along with you?"

Immediately brightening up, Lui sprang up from his previous position and did a heel-turn to his left, sprinting off in that direction with the finesse of a trained professional double his age. Delirious, watching him go, suddenly grew aware of an absolutely horrible sound in his ear. Immediately knowing what it was, he laid his ears back, grimaced, and sank as he stared down at the grass now surrounding what was left of the ice cream after its fall. Melting from the terrifying rays of the unstoppable sun, it sat there and cried to Delirious in the form of high pitched squeals and screams.

Feeling ready to cry, Delirious wiped his eyes and darted off to chase after his friend, his vision having other ideas as it clouded him and caused him to repeat his prior action. Sniffling aggressively, he increased his pace and looked straight ahead, finding Lui still sprinting down the road. Rolling his eyes, Delirious raised a hoof to his mouth and called, "Lui! Lui, wait!"

The response came almost instantly, as if the colt wasn't currently running about ten miles an hour through a pretty crowded street in the middle of a summer afternoon. "What do you want, Delirious?!"

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, the Pegasus lowered his head and increased his speed, hoping that he could increase his aerodynamics as fast as possible. It wasn't so much that he couldn't leave Lui by himself for too long, but more of the fact that he couldn't leave Lui by himself for too long. Gritting his teeth and grinding them in a white embrace, he opened his eyes and shouted, "Just wait Goddammit!" just in time to widen them and careen into his friend, the both of them falling into the dirt in a moment's notice.

Shaking his head, Delirious rose to his hooves, rubbing his now-sore forehead as Lui got up as well. Watching as the colt brushed himself off almost furiously, he found time to knit his brow and bark at him, "Why the fuck did you stop?"

Lui gave him a good eye-rolling, "Duh, we're here!" Extending a hoof out past his stomach, he smiled and chomped harder on his burning cigar. Raising a brow, Delirious began to mutter curses to himself, thinking that they were in front of a toy store where he'd have to buy something cheap and shitty just to shut him up. Instead of that, Delirious found... something else entirely standing proudly in the sun before him. Its silver and brown exterior seemed completely out-of-place amidst all the old-looking houses and bizarre bakery decorations.

A large, lit-up, green S stood above the main door, a single line going down through it as it shone in the rays of sunlight peeking through the moderate cloud layer in the sky. An even larger sign underneath that began to go through the process of being read by the stallion, only for him to suddenly find a pair of hooves on his shoulders. Now face-to-face with Lui Calibre, Delirious drew his neck back with an annoyed frown and an aggravated expression.

"Delirious!"

"What–"

"Let's play Tag!"

...

Delirious moved his mouth around, trying to formulate a perfect O shape as he narrowed his eyes and glanced this way and that.

Looking down, he asked, "Are you fuckin' serious right now?"

Lui giggled, "Yeah!" He tapped Delirious on the side. "And you're it!"

Delirious gave a light chuckle, rolling his nonexistent sleeves up his forelegs as he reached out to touch the young colt. As swift as a bird, Lui moved an inch from its contact, swung his right foreleg around like a furious windmill, and practically bodied the living fuck out of Delirious, running off with childlike laughter toward the left side of the building. Getting up with a groan, Delirious felt the growing welt on his forehead once more, turning around drunkenly before proceeding to chase after the kid.

Cursing under his breath—and remarking the oddly clean exterior around the sides of the building—Delirious stared straight ahead just in time to find the shadowed figure of Lui disappearing behind the next corner in a hurry. Realizing that he probably wasn't going to win, the Pegasus sunk his neck and glared at nothing in particular, slowing his pace to a light jog. Turning said corner, Delirious walked back out into the sunlight and raised a hoof to his eyes, hissing all the while.

Lowering the appendage, he looked down to find Lui staring up at him with a grin on his face and sweat pouring down his brow. Smile widening at the sight of his utterly confused friend, the young colt cheerily shouted, "Beat you!"

Breathing a little heavier than usual, Delirious groaned, "Why the hell did we just do that...?"

Lui, not wanting to answer him, waved a hoof his way and began to walk away, "C'mon! We gotta hurry and get the others!"

Absolutely fucking perplexed, Delirious stole one awkward glance back at the building behind them before turning back to join Lui as they both returned to the road leading to Sweet Apple Acres.

Author's Note

It's scientifically proven that trying to understand people from Boston is basically impossible.

And yes, the chapter name being cut off was intentional. :ajsmug:

Nogla's Piggy Bank

"Ah, purple! I do have to agree with you on that matter, darling. Purple is... Celestia, I can't even find the words to describe purple's... elegance." Rarity gave a big smile, an ear-to-ear one that she swore would break off her face in a matter of seconds. Lighting her horn and magicking her measuring tape back toward her, she pushed her glasses up her nose and stuck her tongue out in the warm air. Beginning to unravel the tool, Rarity looked back up at her customer and said, "I do hope you're not getting too tired up there, Octavia."

The Earth Pony looked down, rolling her eyes with a grin, "No need to fear, Rarity, I'm doing fine up here." Laughing, she continued, "Thank you so much for doing this, by the way."

"Why of course! You seemed in such a rush, I couldn't possibly say no, and especially after you told me what it was for." Fussing about with Octavia's side for a second, she asked, "So, when is it? I'd absolutely love to have an invitation if it isn't any harm..."

Octavia flailed a hoof her way, "Pfft, like I wouldn't give you an invitation. You're making the dress for Gods' sake! It'd just be rude to not invite you to it." Suddenly snapping upward with a pair of wide eyes, Octavia cleared her throat and spoke, "Right! We uh.. we haven't really decided yet to be honest. It only happened just yesterday, so it might not be for a few months at the most!"

"Well, that gives us plenty of time to prepare then!"

Sharing a laugh, the two mares continued their business merrily, the afternoon sun peeking in through the windows of the Boutique to cast a few dozen rays of sunlight their way. Though the occasional dog bark and foal shout flew in from outside, the interior of the building was mostly quiet to allow the seamstress much-needed concentration. Even the Unicorn's measuring tape was quiet, which both shocked and surprised Octavia to no end.

Rarity worked quickly for a whole ten minutes before something stopped her. Ears perking up, she turned her head to look at the knocked-upon door. Not really expecting any punny skeletons that day, she excused herself politely and trotted over to the front door. Standing in front of it, the mare screwed her face up and adopted a serious, business-like expression. Lifting her chin up, her horn glowed bright and spread to the handle. Opening the entrance, Rarity prepared her usual shop speech, only to find a recognizable group of ponies staring at her expectantly.

She blinked.

"Oh!"

Waving a hoof, she stuttered, "W-Welcome!"

The one in front frowned, consequently finding himself replaced by a small, red Earth Pony colt, who looked up at Rarity from underneath his monkey mask and waved wildly, "Hi Miss Rarity!"

"Ah, hello Lui!" Reaching down, she patted the colt's cheek looked at the others, "What are you all doing here? I assumed that Applejack wanted you stallions at the Acres!" Casting a glance into her Boutique, she added with a point, "And it's quite odd you'd be interested in a clothing shop of all places."

Wildcat stepped forward, scratching the back of his piggy neck, "Yeah well, we need a favor."

"And you're really the only person we could go to...? So... y'know.." Nogla chimed in.

Rarity, suddenly realizing she was still holding the door, looked from one stallion to the next, blinking all the while. Breathing in heavily, she beamed, beckoning them, "Of course! Do come in!" Holding the door open for them, she waited until the last pony had entered the building before turning tail and trotting back to her station, "Please, take a seat in the kitchen! I'll be right with you–"

"We... kind of need you to look at 'em like... now."

Looking back at Vanoss, she raised a brow, "Surely it can't wait a minute or two. I'm with a client right now, and I must finish her measurements before we can discuss whatever it is."

"It's fine, Rarity!" Octavia spoke, a grin on her face, "We can just finish this up tomorrow if you like!" With a hoof to her chin, she looked to her right to examine the clock, then chuckled, "I need to get home anyway. Early dinner time." Awaiting Rarity's answer, Octavia began to walk off her pedestal, her tail carefully placing the measuring tape next to a stack of papers.

"I... alright then. I suppose we can just finish up tomorrow!" Hurrying to the door, Rarity magicked the handle once more and gave the Earth Pony a smile. "Have a good day!" Exchanging a quick formality, Rarity began to close the door as the mare left, only to stop in an instant. Throwing her head out the doorway, she shouted, "Oh, congratulations!"

With a resounding "Thank you!" returning to her, Rarity finally shut the door and turned back to her company, who stared back at her with (most likely) equal expressions. Feeling their gaze on her, she swallowed a lump down her throat and realized that the fact that they all wore masks made speaking to them a little harder. Humming, she levitated her work glasses and placed them on the desk to her left.

"So! What is it you all wanted to ask?"

The boys stood as still as rocks. As one, they all turned toward Lui. The young colt, not getting it, received a quick elbow to his side by Wildcat, prompting him to stutter and reach into his crotch. Pulling out a piece of paper, he unfolded it as fast as he could, which was also as horribly as he could. Handing the battered piece of paper to Rarity, who caught it in a blue aura and gazed at it thoughtfully. Her eyes shifting from the left, to the right, and back to the left again, she read through what she saw, blinked, and showed it to them to make sure they knew what they had given her. "These are..." She looked back at it, as if attempting to find something she hadn't seen the first time, "...interesting designs..."

The voice of Vanoss spoke up, "Can you have them done by tomorrow?"

Rarity's heart stopped. Looking toward the stallion, she found Delirious looking his way as well, a pair of eyebrows trying to escape into the sky. "Why, whatever for?! Why didn't you come here earlier?!"

Vanoss raised a hoof.

"Why, this is such short notice!" Beginning to walk around the Boutique, Rarity lit her horn and began to put her tools away. "If you had come earlier, they could've been done by tonight! I have so much other work that needs to be done!" Stopping, she looked back at the pedestal sitting in the corner of the room, then shook her head, "I have so many orders to get through first." She about-faced, intending on telling the stallions off in favor of her clients. She stopped, however, as she noticed a young colt staring up at her, his eyes wide and pupils large.

She frowned.

"Not the puppy dog eyes..."

Lui sniffed. Hard. "But... but Ms. Rarity! We're friends!" Falling to his haunches, he slapped his forehooves against one another and asked, "Pleeeeease?"

Rarity's frown deepened as she looked toward the ground. Searching her left and right for nothing in particular, her sights rose, and she nodded her head with her lips pressed together. At once, the five stallions threw their hooves up, cheering the mare on as they high-fived each other in happiness. Looking back at Rarity once she raised a hoof, they quieted down and awaited her response. Closing her eyes, she finally threw a hoof toward the door, "Out! All of you! I have much work to do, and I need silence to do it!" Listening to the sounds of their departure, she felt a thought tickle at her brain.

Opening her eyes, she watched as Nogla—the last one in their line—left the building. Sprinting over to the front door in the most lady-like fashion possible, she once again threw her head past the doorway, shouting, "When exactly do you need these?!"

From the road came her answer, courtesy of Nogla, "Four o' clock sharp!"

Raising a brow, Rarity hummed a quick note, shrugged, and shut the door, wanting to start her work immediately.

Author's Note

Short chapter to make room for the big one. Don't hate me, please. :raritywink:

No Turning Back

"What'cha readin' there, Nogla?"

Casting her green eyes down to the kitchen table, Applejack cocked an eyebrow and leaned a hoof on the wooden furniture with a cheeky grin. Looking the page up, she turned to Nogla and waited for his response. The Unicorn droned a simple, "Uuuuh," as he stared intently at his current chapter, a hoof tracing simple horizontal lines along it before he nonchalantly turned the page and spoke, "it's uh, spells."

Ignoring the loud sounds of Lui smacking his lips on his cereal across from him, Nogla fixed his gaze on a yet unread section and hummed absent-mindedly. Applejack leaned forward, breathing past his neck with a chuckle as she spoke, "Levitation?"

Nogla stuttered, "U-uh, yeah. Yeah."

"Y'know, Ah dunno much about magic," Applejack started, pointing a hoof to her chest, "seein' as how Ah'm an Earth Pony an' all, but ain't levitation foals' kinda stuff? Like, the first spell Unicorns usually learn?"

Lui cleared his throat. Nogla narrowed his eyes at him, setting the book down and looking at the mare next to him, "Yeah, I was never really good with spells to be honest. He paused. "Just never really had the time to study on them." He ignored yet another one of Lui's short coughs. He looked up at Applejack, furrowing his brow in an attempt to display an obviously struck nerve.

The mare’s smile dropped as it worked, but she pried. Opening her mouth, she asked, "Why's that–" and found herself cut off by a shout from outside the house.

"Applejack! Ah need some help!"

Applejack immediately dropped what she was doing, turning around swiftly with her eyes dwarfing her frying pan. "Apple Bloom?! Are you okay?!"

"Yeah, I'm fine sis!"

The cowpony sighed thankfully, finding an odd time to roll her eyes with a small chuckle. Excusing herself, she walked out of the kitchen after she placed her pan in the sink, groaning something about some placentas that needed watering. As she exited, the pig sitting on the floor by the refrigerator slowly perked his head up, and once the front door shut with a hefty bang, he flew to his hooves and glared at Nogla.

Bringing up a pink hoof, he tapped his wrist and shook his head, "We don't have all fuckin' day for you ta learn that spell, dumbass! Hurry the fuck up!" Walking the Irishman's way, he listened half-intently to his understandable excuse.

"Look, most of yesterday was spent pasting this focking page into the first chapter so I wouldn't be switching through like hundreds of fuckin' pages when she asked me about 'em. I'll have you know I fuckin' suck at glue, that shit took like twenty minutes."

Wildcat's piggy face was hidden under a new pink visitor. Running it down his face, Wildcat rested it on his nose to lightly squish it, not even looking to his left as he spoke in a condescending tone, "Lui what fuckin' time is it I don't wanna listen to this dumbass say another goddamn word…"

Lui hummed squeakily, then noticed this and coughed violently into a hoof. His voice coming out more masculine, he trotted a few steps forward and craned his neck to look to Wildcat's adjacent right, the large grandfather clock easily dwarfing three of the pig's kind. Pointing a hoof, he mumbled for a second or two and answered, "Five before two."

Wildcat snapped a hoof, closing Nogla's spellbook with a throw of his hoof. Walking out of the kitchen, he called, "It's good enough, c'mon. We're going now."

"Now?" Lui asked, tilting his head from in front of the garbage can. A box of Cheerios was grasped in his hoof, which he shook gently as the silence kicked in for a brief second. Breaking it, Wildcat nodded vigorously, a hoof on the side of the doorframe.

"Yeah, c'mon."

As the two ponies joined him, Wildcat took a second to turn to his right, finding a pair of stallions lazily sitting in a pair of recliners, one eating from a ripe banana and the other mumbling about a cheeseburger as the antics on the TV continued to play. Knocking on the wood floor like a one-hit-wonder Two Second tap dancer, he jerked his head to the front door and said, "Get up you two. We're gonna head out now."

Vanoss got up with just a simple, "Oh," of realization. It was Delirious who questioned their motives as they exited the farmhouse. Standing in the back of their unintentional train line, he barely avoided the hard wooden smack of the door on the way out when he asked them.

"Wait, what are we doin'?"

Wildcat stopped. Nogla followed suit. Lui copied Nogla. Vanoss stepped back. Delirious halted.

The first four exchanged a collection of looks, ones showcasing genuine confusion and later annoyance. Beginning to groan at one another, a selection of words escaped Wildcat's mouth. "Okay who the fuck didn't tell him?" The stallions frowned heavily, then three turned to one with glaring brows. Vanoss mimicked their nonverbal attack.

Vanoss rolled his eyes from underneath his owl mask, then begrudgingly turned his head to face the blue Pegasus. Lui slowly crept forward, a hoof barely an inch above Vanoss' shoulder in an attempt to warn him. This warning then became audible, "Vanoss, you might not wanna–"

"Hey guys!"

Lui backpedaled. Under his breath, he voiced, "Probably for the best…"

The five in turn spun on their heels, now giving the two mares next to them their full attention. Applejack, her hat slightly off-center, gave a nice smile as she wiped her forelegs clean of mud.

"What'd you do back there, Bloom?" Wildcat, Nogla, Lui, and Vanoss turned to their left, eyebrows raised to the air as Delirious stepped forward with a chortle. Fucking up the young mare's mane, he added, "You make Applejack crawl through the bottom of the house or somethin'?"

Applejack nudged Apple Bloom playfully, "Well Ah didn't exactly crawl." Apple Bloom giggled. "Winona thought she saw somethin' under the staircase so Ah had ta get down there and get her out before she could find our Indian Burial Ground."

Bloom coughed into a hoof.

"And Apple Bloom wanted ta give you somethin' since you're headin' out for the day."

Delirious perked up, now looking down at the filly with a curious look. A hoof went to the back of her neck, and, pulling it into his sights, presented him a piece of red fabric. Delirious blinked. The red fabric unfolded like a newfound national flag, displaying his Crusaders cape. The Pegasus gave an, "Oh," of realization like his Canadian friend behind him. Grabbing his cape, he took a second to wrap it around his neck.

"Ah just thought, 'hey, if you're headin' out with yer friends today, maybe you could get your Cutie Mark'! Y'all sure as hay might not get it hangin' out with some fillies—"

"Nogla sure could get somethin' hanging out with little girls," Wildcat quickly whispered.

"—but with your friends? Definitely!"

Finally tying the front end in a knot, he turned to the side, struck a pose, and watched as the cape fluttered in his movement-induced breeze. Thinking inwardly that he could join the Royal Guard at this rate, he looked at Applejack and asked, "How's it look?"

Applejack hummed. "You look stupid."

Apple Bloom shot her older sister a glare.

Delirious about-faced instantly. "You look stupid."

He suddenly found himself being pushed away through the grass. Stealing a glance down revealed that Apple Bloom was pushing him away from the farm and Applejack as well. "Alright alriiight. Get the hay outta here before you keep arguin'." Rolling her eyes as Delirious trotted away, she leaned to her left and raised her right foreleg, waving happily. "Ah'll see ya later, Delirious! Don't lemme forget ta show you what we're doin' tomorrow!"

Delirious turned, three of his other friends walking beside him following the motion. Applejack waved as well, then placed a hoof at the side of her mouth and called, "Y'all come back 'fore dinner, alright?! Ah'll make sure ta whip up some cider soup!"

A trio of, "Yeah, we will," sounded out. As the five began to walk into town, nudging began to take place among the team, one after the other and back to the one again. The sun no longer sat in a straight line in the sky above their heads, instead now on its descent down to make way for its lunar cousin. To everyone's surprise, Delirious began to join in as well.

"If you guys would stop—fuck—screwin' around, we could hurry the hell up and get to Rarity's house before four."

Lui giggled, "'Before four'..."

Vanoss lifted a hoof his way. Lui stopped his amusement. The Canadian continued, "We're gonna have ta hurry up once we get into town. People are gonna start taking notice to us, and we don't want any of them trailing us."

"Okay okay okay..."

The group stopped as Delirious walked forward through the line. A hoof in the air, he tilted his head and stared ahead to face Vanoss, who blinked at him silently. "Okay... you still haven't told me yet." He stamped his hoof on the ground lightly. "What're we doin'?"

Oh shit. Wildcat knew what was coming next. Looking around the roadside area they were in, he passed over the surrounding white fence, skipped the sewer grate sticking out of the trench to his right, and finally spotted a nice looking tree with nice shade and a pretty sizable brush underneath it across the path. Perfect. Trotting to it, he stepped off the dirt road and entered a grassy field, his hooves stomping out pretty dandelions and daffodils. His blank white helmet rattling around his head and mask, he ignored the terrifying sounds of thousands of bees whistling away at their pollinated flowers as he reached the tree's safety. Stopping, he took a second as he looked down, then pranced around in place to create a small area for him to begin his business in. Content, he looked toward the oak tree's trunk and stretched out his right hindleg.

As he heard the last few drops hit the grass, he gave a deep sigh and placed his offending hindleg back into its normal position. Intent on returning to his friends, he turned around and instantly found a green blur flying at his face. As Nogla and Wildcat tumbled into the oak and onto the floor with a collection of yells, the tree decided that it was the perfect time to let loose a spare apple from its branches. Scrambling his head out from underneath Nogla's body, Wildcat chuckled, asking him, "Wow, were you that excited to see my piggy dick?"

"Shut the fuck up," Nogla said, rubbing his head, only for the apple to fall onto the spot he was currently rubbing at. Issuing a short, "Ow," he grit his teeth and looked back at the main road, watching as Delirious glared sharp daggers at the remaining two ponies in front of him, crouched to the ground as if he were ready to initiate combat. He leaned forward.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?! That's your fucking plan?! Are you fucking STUPID?!"

"Delirious, calm the fuck down man–"

"Fuck you."

Lui stepped forward, waving his forelegs around as he reassured him, "No no no it's alright it's alright!" Delirious, still breathing heavily, didn't respond. Lui, giving a nervous grin, threw his two hooves to the pair of individuals currently, groggily, walking back toward them. "Nogla has a spell!"

Twin funnels of smoke wafted out of Delirious' nose. He growled, "What kind of spell?"

The young colt turned, "Nogla, tell him!"

Nogla, adjusting his paper bag, crawled through the fence marking the border of the dirt road. Wildcat followed his example.

"It's uh," He tripped on air, "it's a disguising spell."

Delirious turned his head swiftly, reminding Lui of a vulture spying its next pray. His pupils were shrunk, his head bobbing up and down as he apparently needed more air than usual. "Disguising spell?"

"Yeah," Nogla said, officially rejoining the group, "apparently it c'n change your appearance to whatever th' hell I want it to be."

Delirious' angered breathing began to space out. "Can it change my voice too?"

"If I wasn't reading it wrong," Nogla replied, suddenly pulling the spell book out, "it should, yeah."

The blue Pegasus blinked, taking in a deep gulp of air as he cast his gaze downward to take in each and every pebble embedded in the dirt by his hooves. "I–I..."

"Look, Delirious..." The Pegasus looked up to find the source of the voice. It was Vanoss, who was walking up to him slowly. Standing beside him, he stretched a foreleg around Delirious' neck and looked up at the sky, his owl mask almost brushing the side of Delirious' face. Throwing a hoof out, he spoke, "Look man, ever since we came to this town, all we've done is dirty-ass farmwork and work at a shitty fruit stand. We spent about three days just punching trees and digging holes! And some bitch wanted to make you take your mask off!" He turned his head to look at his friend, then pressed a hoof to his chest, "Sure, we've had a buncha fights here and there, but there hasn't been a lot of explosions and shit, y'know? When was the last time you purposely blew something up, huh? A week ago?"

Delirious searched for an answer, "I think it was uh, um–"

"Delirious, do you wanna have some fuckin' fun for a change, instead of just stayin' cooped up inside in some barn for a whole day?"

The group waited as one for Delirious to make his decision, the sounds of his silence unable to disturb the birds and working Weatherponies above them. Vanoss stayed his position, just in case of sudden violence from his close friend in disagreement. To his half-surprise, Delirious turned to him with a pair of eyes he hadn't ever seen. He croaked, "You promise that no one'll get hurt because of this?"

Vanoss blinked, thankfully under his mask and out of sight.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he spotted Nogla, Lui, and Wildcat now at Delirious' side, with expectant expressions on their faces. Vanoss blinked once more, his sights now on Delirious again. He nodded. "I promise. Don't worry."

Delirious grinned, now bobbing his whole body with his head, "And you're sure that disguise spell will work, right?"

"Sure as shit, Delirious!"

The Pegasus shook his head, laughing, "Fuck it then. Let's do this shit."

"Fuck yeah!" was the uproar from his friends. Atop, Rainbow Dash and Cloud Kicker exchanged looks of confusion, unable to find the source of swearing from the height of their thick white cloud layer. Ignoring it, they shrugged to one another, preparing for the coming storm. HQ had called, and a rainstorm was to be scheduled to make time for Princess Celestia's visit later that day.

Below, the guys continued their trek to the Carousel Boutique, talking amongst themselves in anticipation and legitimate hype. High hoofs went around. Whooping calls were shouted. Laughs were laughed. All of this minor enough to not require a lengthy description. Author's orders. Trotting toward Ponyville, they finally turned to their left and spotted their destination before them. Walking up to the front door, the quintet went through a series of short, abrupt whispers. Finally, the leader was chosen. Standing in the front, Wildcat had to lean up on his tippy-hooves to reach the clanger on the door.

It most certainly wasn't there the day before.

A trio of clangs later, and the door opened to reveal a white Unicorn with a pair of glasses on the bridge of her nose. Regarding them for a second or two, she gave a small sigh and motioned for them to come in. As she scurried away to elsewhere in the Boutique, the guys took a seat by the front door and gazed around the room. Still looking the same as yesterday, they as one grew aware of a presence and turned their heads to gaze across from them.

Lying on the couch, her belly up in the air, sat a grey Earth Pony, quietly reading from what looked to be a magazine about roof tiling. The front told them about a new brand of Skeleton Approved SHIN-gles. The five immediately frowned at the stupid, now apparent pun. Reclining, they barely touched their asses on the floor when Rarity sprang back into the room, a collection of fabric levitating next to her in her magic. Grinning at them, she turned to their new owners and whispered, "You should be surprised! I was able to finish these an hour earlier than I had thought." The mare took a second to sigh happily, "Ahhh, the wonders of caffeine." Giving each piece of clothing to each respective wearer, she began, "Now, make sure you don't hoofwash these. A washing machine will do just fine, so long as you put it on the lightest setting. Don't mix it with your jeans, and make absolutely sure that all paper and items are taken out and put aside before washing it."

She leaned in, looking worriedly to her right as she brought a hoof up to the left side of her face, "I've had too many mishaps with Sweetie Belle. As grown stallions, I wholeheartedly believe you will not make the same mistake." Returning to her prior position, she beamed at the quintet and squealed, "Oh, I do hope you enjoy them! I made sure they will be able to keep you warm for the coming winter as well." Lighting her horn, she shooed the protesting stallions out of the Boutique with a stayed grin, "Now off you go! Have fun, stay safe darlings!"

Now outside, the five stared back at the door, including Nogla, who stood in the back of the group. Wincing and seething as the door slammed into his ass, he rubbed the stricken appendage with a pair of grinding white teeth. Getting up shakily, he watched as his friends took their items from the stack currently sitting atop Vanoss' back. Walking up to it, the Unicorn grabbed his piece and gazed at it longingly. Looking up, he found the others doing the same.

Silence fell upon the group.

Nogla chuckled. "Just a bunch of dumbasses standing around in a circle, huh?"

Delirious snorted.

Vanoss spoke gruffly, "Let's get goin', boys."

"Next in line, please step forward!"

It was going to be a long day for Time Bomb. Stuck in third place in the line, he allowed himself a hefty groan and a sliding hoof down his right cheekbone. Giving off a sigh, he let the appendage fall back to the tiled floor underneath him, eliciting a clop that was instantly drowned out by the sounds of paper, machines, and ponies around him. Parting his lips and staring past the pony standing in front of him, he looked to the ceiling and mouthed a quiet curse to the Gods, scratching his brown, bushy beard. His gaze, now drawing southward, ended back at where he started, and he couldn't help but crack a small, almost nonexistent smile as the attendee called once more for the line to move up.

Now in second place, his mind felt a little more at ease. Lifting up his right foreleg, he reached into his fanny pack and retrieved his To Do list. Looking it over, he skipped past the two marked ones on the top (Get Up and Go Outside) and found the third, which read Go To The Bank. Shrugging to himself, he realized that he was doing them in order and grumbled audibly about the mainstream. Placing the list back into his fanny pack, his eyes lit up as the attendee repeated her line amidst the other repeats from the others of her kind. Time Bomb suddenly wondered how a pony couldn't go nuts doing this job for more than a month.

He clucked his tongue, turning his head to stare past the blue Earth Pony behind him and at the clock. Four-nineteen in the P.M. Time Bomb screwed up his face. It was almost time for dinner. He'd have to put a rain check on his next order of business (Get Some Take-Out) to head home immediately. His Pu'er Tea needed quite a bit of time to make, time which he needed to savor so he could get back to his exploring of the town. Then he could get a latte at Starbucks—hopefully they had those Pumpkin Spice ones out already—and then he could head off to Hay Burger's, which was apparently in the process of being reconstructed after somepony had apparently blown it up. With the large amounts of money the business had made, he had heard, they were employing top level Unicorns who could make wooden beams out of their minds.

Man, although he was satisfied being an Earth Pony, there were a lot of appealing things about being a Unicorn as well.

"Next in line? Can you come forward please?"

He froze, then walked forward, not having realized that he was being called for. Scratching the back of his mane, he looked at the purple mare behind the glass window as she bowed her head to him, staring his way from underneath her eyebrows. A pair of black eyeglasses sat atop her nose as she waited. "Name please?"

"Time Bomb."

The mare raised an eyebrow, but stowed it away as she turned to look through her files. "Interesting name, Mr. Bomb. Let me remind you to never step into an airport."

The two shared a laugh, and Time Bomb watched as the mare fiddled with something by her side. Pointing a hoof, he opened his mouth to ask if she needed any help when a loud noise suddenly threw him from his thoughts. Swiftly turning about—along with everypony else in the bank—he looked at the front entrance to find five individuals marching in with obvious weapons in their hooves. As the murmurs of the townsponies went around, the group stopped.

All was silent.

The one in front, who looked to be a pig dressed in a white T-shirt, raised his gun up and shouted out for all to hear.

"Alright everybody, get the FUCK on the ground!"

It was instant as everypony did so, falling to the tiled floor with enough force to make a loud thud as they hit the ground as one. Flurries of, "Oh my God," went around the downed ponies, most of whom covered their heads with violently shaking hooves. They looked at the group still standing in the doorway, watching all at once as the green one in the back tied the front doors shut with a pair of zip-ties. They made a formation, standing side-by-side.

Nogla looked at Lui. Lui looked at Vanoss. Vanoss looked at Wildcat. Wildcat looked at Delirious. Delirious looked back at Wildcat.

They smiled, now dressed in their Los Santos attire.

Lui clung to his crimson track jacket. Vanoss wore his bright red leather jacket. Nogla's janitor uniform was nice and snug around his body. Wildcat grinned at the purple cat on his T-shirt. Delirious, now wearing a black and gray raccoon mask, looked down at his presently brown body and grinned at his blue sweater. The five looked back at the crowd, finding them having not moved from their previous spots.

Wildcat stepped forward, clearing his throat as he toted his Special Carbine around. "Alright motherfuckers! This is a robbery! You stay the fuck down, and we won't have ta," he laughed, cocking the slide back on his gun, "kill ya, alright?!"

A few ponies whimpered. In the left side of the room, a few began to cry.

"We don't want any fuckin' heroes today, alright? So sit the fuck down and let us do our job, and you'll all be able to go home!"

"Please don't kill us!"

Wildcat turned to the source, finding a bright red Unicorn weakly raising a hoof his way. Rolling his eyes, Wildcat pointed his gun at him with a glare and a frown, "What did I just fuckin' say, dumbass?! You want me to fuckin' kill you right now?!"

The Unicorn whimpered, placing his hooves over his eyes.

Nogla couldn't help but laugh through his paper bag, its rustling echoing across the entire room. "No fockin' heroes now."

Vanoss nodded toward the side of the room, noticing the barrier between the bank tellers and the customers and the locked gate sitting on the far most right side. Wildcat nodded, then motioned for Lui to go at it. The colt nodded, his monkey mask currently providing him support for smoking a cigar, its smoke wafting in front of him like he was in some kind of detective noir movie. Trotting toward it, his Combat MG holstered by his side, he spoke to the stallion slowly rising to his left.

"You get up, and the butcher'll mistake you for his next meat delivery."

The stallion fell back to the floor.

Delirious looked across the crowd.

His heart pulled for a brief second.

And then he smiled.

Opening his mouth, he spoke in a new, grizzled tone, powered by Nogla's Stage 2 Spell.

"If Ah see any o' you fuckers move, Ah'm gonna stick a goddamn bullet right in yer fuckin' skull, y'hear me?"

He didn't note how distinctly Southern it sounded. A frown crossed his lips, unseen by the frightened ponies cowering in his presence. The room was rectangular in shape, with the front door as the bottom right corner. Lines of polyester formed the boundaries of each respective booth, the ponies previously standing in them now sitting on their stomachs with their hooves on their heads, shaking in fear. The floor was a white, almost completely clear tile, the ceiling above housing a few chandeliers that cast a bright glow on the inhabitants below it.

The tellers sat at the top of the rectangle, currently safe behind their black barred wall with only their glass windows to show their presence at their stations. As Vanoss went past them and counted to make sure that all were there and none were trying to sound the alarm, Delirious stepped forward and immediately felt a hoof around his hindleg. He looked back, finding a stallion with a pair of glasses looking up at him pleadingly.

"You're not gonna kill us, are you?"

Delirious stopped.

No.

He wasn't Delirious now.

He grinned at him from underneath the raccoon mask and pulled out his Assault Shotgun, aiming it at the stallion with one hoof.

"Ya touch me again, you'll be the first." The stallion's jaw went slack. "Now get the fuck back on the floor, bitch! Ah'll tell you when y'all can get up!" Rolling his eyes, Delirious stepped forward once more and thankfully found no more resistance. Growling, he walked over to Nogla, who was currently walking through the crowd of fallen horses. "So whuhdoo we do until Lui can get that shit open, Nogla?"

Somehow able to levitate his gun while simultaneously keeping Delirious' spell cast, Nogla answered in between aiming at the assembly, "Make sure they don't try anythin'."

Wildcat spoke up from across the room, his Carbine currently fixated on a pair of mares. "Remember, no Russian!"

Delirious frowned. "Jesus fuckin' Christ."

Walking around the room, the Pegasus found that it was mind-nervingly quiet, the only sounds reaching his ears being the clip clop of his and his friends' hooves on the ground, and Lui's picking at the gate behind him. He paced around the room with Nogla and Wildcat, Vanoss having gone into the restrooms to make sure that nobody else was around. His Shotgun darted to and fro from one target to the next. Each one looked back at him for a split second before retreating behind a stretched foreleg.

He stopped to adjust his sweater, the string having gotten inside the rest of the top. Reaching down to fix it, his hoof touched a fabric not like the rest of the jacket's. He froze, then lifted the red knot in front of his face.

It stared back at him.

He swallowed a lump down his throat, then shoved it behind the rest of his top, pushing the string back out in the process. Content, he cleared his throat and looked around the room once more. A swift motion caught his sights, and he ducked down to a combat position, his Assault Shotgun facing forward, just in time to see Vanoss leave the restrooms. Seeing the firearm aimed at him, Vanoss tilted his head, an obvious eyebrow to the sky.

The sound of a lock dropping rebounded through their eardrums. Turning around, they watched as Lui stepped back from the gate and then swung it open with a hoof. Ignoring its deafening clanging against the rest of the boundary, the young colt stepped in with gusto, turning about to his left and aiming his weapon at the tellers, who clearly did not believe they would be able to get in in the first place. He shouted, "Get the fuck away from those desks! Put your hooves in the air!"

Delirious didn't have time to stop and stare. Wildcat waved him along, telling Vanoss and Nogla to wait outside to keep watch on the other witnesses. Following the pig deeper into the building, Delirious decided to holster his Assault Shotgun on his back, wanting to let his friend take care of anymore ponies standing between them and the vault. Not surprisingly, none were present, and the two were able to make their way through the back offices and down into a dark hallway that ended in a T. Traversing down it, Delirious nudged Wildcat.

"Weapons out. We'll look at opposite sides once we reach the end."

Wildcat nodded, "Good idea, fucknut."

Delirious brought out his Assault Shotgun, and Wildcat brought out his Special Carbine. Arriving at their endpoint, they stopped, looked at one another, and counted to three in the bright corridor. Finishing simultaneously, they jumped out into the open, Delirious aiming into the right and Wildcat into the left. Finding nothing out of particular, Delirious sighed and lowered his gun, hearing a chuckle behind him. Turning around as it grew into a bout of hearty laughter, Delirious asked, "Th' fuck is wrong with..."

He froze.

His eyes grew wide.

"Holy shit, Wildcat... is that..."

Wildcat, busy rubbing his forehooves together, cackled, "That's the fuckin' VAULT Delirious!"

In front of them, at the end of the hallway that Wildcat had scouted, was a large vault door with a large steel rod acting as the release lever. From his position, he noticed that a very crude 111 had been painted on the center in yellow paint. Walking forward, they suddenly realized they were stepping on a dark red carpet and looked down, puzzled. Shrugging silently, they continued on their way at a much faster pace, Wildcat practically slamming into the door to begin opening it.

Delirious meanwhile took a more tactical standpoint, about-facing to aim his gun down the hall in the slightest chance that someone was heading his way. He heard the sounds of Wildcat grunting and wheezing behind him in an effort to crank the lever down. After what seemed like hours, with sweat dripping down his brow and his mane hot and heavy underneath the raccoon mask, Delirious heard Wildcat roar in agony, accompanied by the sound of screeching metal.

He turned, and practically had a double-take.

One more door stood in their way, this one looking like a generic prison cell, guarding their treasure.

Delirious piddled a little bit.

If he could count them up in his head, Delirious swore that there was a little more than one million bits sitting in neat little stacks, covering the entire cell area in their bright, shiny, golden wake. All around it were what appeared to be light gray lock boxes, each secured with top-of-the-line combination locks. Delirious and Wildcat looked at the gate. They weren't there for those lock boxes. Reaching to their crotches, they pulled out enormous duffle bags and trotted up to the bars.

They shared a chuckle.

Wildcat simply needed to push the door open, and they were in. Careful to not disrupt any of the piles, they threw their bags onto a cart already sitting inside the cell and began to scoop up every last bit they could see. No words were spoken as they dropped their takes into their respective kits, both opting to focus on getting them all in there as fast as possible so they could escape as fast as possible. Minutes turned into two, and two turned into ten. Delirious didn't know how long it had actually taken, what with Wildcat breaking the silence ever so often to tell him to, "Hurry the hell up, Delirious," but once they had finished, Delirious involuntarily wiped his brow and sighed heavily into the air. Wanting to catch his breath, he looked to his left when he heard movement and found Wildcat already sprinting off with his bag in his teeth. Cursing, Delirious swung his duffel over his back, retrieved his Shotgun, and sprinted down the hall after his friend.

Turning the corner, he ran down the corridor and found his way back to the main room, where the situation with their hostages hadn't changed in the slightest. Lui, still aiming his Combat MG at the tellers, looked over his shoulder and and gave a smirk. "You guys got it? All of it?"

"You bet your eight fuckin' tits we did."

"Then get to the door, I'll be right there."

Wildcat nodded, then sprinted off toward the front entrance. Delirious, watching him go, saw Vanoss and Nogla backing up toward it in kind, still aiming their weapons at the crowd to ensure that nobody got up to stop them at the last second. Looking back at Lui once more, Delirious licked his lips shakily and trotted to the door. Stopping next to Wildcat, breathing heavily, he bowed his head and heard Vanoss call, "Geez man, did you do a marathon in there or something?"

"Fuck you," Delirious replied, "you wanna try carryin' that shit?"

Vanoss was silent. Delirious was content with his silence, and glimpsed Lui leaving the teller's area with a shout, "Stay there and we won't have any trouble, alright?!"

Joining them, Lui couldn't help but crack a grin as Nogla adjusted the duffel on his back. Wildcat, free of the bag, now walked in front of his friends, his hooves clip clopping against the polished tile. Looking out over the crowd of scared ponies, he raised his gun again and yelled firmly, "Alright! You all did very fuckin' good today, you hear me?! Now, if any o' you decide to get up while we leave, I still won't hesitate to come back and shoot you myself!" He placed his hoof on the trigger, "Have a good fuckin' day now!" and fired a volley of shots into the ceiling.

Laughing at his friend's outrageous behavior, Delirious blinked just in time to catch something moving to his right. Turning to it, he barely let out a scream as it slammed into him, knocking him into the ground with enough force to break bone. His head wobbly, he looked up and saw a large Earth Pony holding a hoof up, ready to punch the living shit out of him. Delirious braced himself for it, his gun having been knocked a few feet away.

BOOM.

Delirious cracked his eyes open.

Staring upward, he blinked.

And his breath caught in his throat.

His orange hair matted with blood and a gaping wound dripping in the side of his head, Big Macintosh stared down at Delirious, mouth open as if he was just in the middle of having a friendly conversation with him. His green eyes were shrunk, and his hooves were shaky, like they were unable to support his weight.

Slowly, quietly, Big Macintosh began to lean over.

And fall on the ground.

Delirious found his breath had escaped him, and he struggled desperately to retrieve it as the ringing in his ears continued to deafen him. He looked up, almost frightened, to find Lui aiming his Heavy Pistol where the Earth Pony had just stood. He gazed down at Delirious and presumably spoke a few words. Delirious could not hear them, and Lui turned around and sprinted elsewhere. Nogla appeared, holding a hoof out to him. Again, he spoke, and Delirious could not hear. Nogla shook his hoof. Still nothing. Again.

"Dude, get the fuck up!"

He retrieved his breath, and now took it in quick gulps to begin sustaining himself. Accepting his friend's hoof, Delirious scrambled away from the body on the floor, his hooves pitter patting against the tile like rain on a rooftop. A pool of blood began to form and cascade. The ponies, completely frozen on the spot, did not make an attempt to move. Delirious heard the telltale sounds of Vanoss and Wildcat escaping the building, but could not find it in him to move.

"C'mon!"

He turned.

"We need to get the hell out of here."

He stole a glance back at Big Macintosh.

Nogla grabbed him by the shoulder, "Let's go!"

Delirious choked.

Nogla shoved his Assault Shotgun into his chest, then pointed to the door.

"Now!"

The Pegasus finally obeyed, and, with Nogla, burst out of the Celestial Savings Bank and into the waiting sunlight. Gritting his teeth at it, Delirious stepped onto the grass and looked forward. His friends had stopped in their tracks, and now, looking at what they had seen, he did too. In front of them, a massive gathering of police ponies glared at them from behind magical barriers. The Unicorns' horns glowed bright, simultaneously keeping the shields up and presumably preparing combat spells. The Pegasi held crossbows in guncasts, the Earth Ponies doing the same.

Lui smirked.

"Hit it, Nogla."

"On it."

Delirious raised a hoof to protest, but to no avail as the top of Nogla's head began to glow bright green. The brown hoof that was previously extended outward in panic was now a light shade of blue.

Nogla's disguising spell was no longer in effect.

Instead, concrete blocks began to rise from the ground, allowing the spell caster and his friends much needed cover which they took immediately. Diving for the nearest one, which sat in the middle of the back, Delirious holstered his Shotgun and brought out Vanoss' RPG. Breathing in and out, he joined the others in aiming their much better weapons at the local police, who continued to glare, undaunted.

"Don't worry guys," Lui began, breaking his friends' silence as he revved up his Minigun, "we've got this."

At that instant, with the five now believing the odds were in their favor, the clouds above began to glow a bright yellow color, which soon grew to impossibly brilliant illumination. As the five robbers shielded their eyes in pantomime with, surprisingly, the police, a large explosion made itself deafeningly noticed. The light dying down, VanossGaming, I Am Wildcat, Lui Calibre, Daithi De Nogla, and H2O Delirious lowered their hooves, finding a dust cloud in front of where the police ponies had previously stood.

They waited, silently.

And, through the smoke, two pairs of sharp blue lights appeared.

The dust cleared.

And two ponies stared at them, their glistening, golden armor covering every single inch of their bodies, tail included. All across it, blue, wispy flames danced wildly, as if seeking something to strike and demolish. The two ponies stomped their front hooves down, lowering the front ends of their bodies as the blue flames began to zap horrendously. The previously plain blue eyeplates on their golden crested helmets flashed white from the inside, then flared outward in a deep, true royal blue.

Their armored horns glowed yellow and purple, and from their sides came a long, sharp staff, its exterior reminiscent of their owner's casing. Slamming the butt end into the dirt by their hooves, the sharp blades on the top fattened, gaining hundreds upon hundreds of teeth that gleamed with electricity. The ponies' mouth region, previously covered by a simple black mask, gained a new golden friend that slid into view atop it with a mechanical hiss.

The street was silent.

The lawponies had by now stepped way, way back, not wanting to provoke the Celestial Wardens.

Lui chomped down on his cigar, puffing away.

Vanoss hummed, heavy sniper in hoof.

Nogla held his MG in both hooves.

Wildcat glared.

Delirious began to chuckle, adjusting his grip on his pink RPG.

He shook his head, looking at his friends and then back to the Wardens.

They stood there, anticipating.

Delirious laughed.

"We're outta our fuckin' minds."

Author's Note

Spear Of Justice

Author's Note

Ah fuck it. Here you go.

Spear Of Justice

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!"

"Take a left, take a left!"

Doing so, the quintet began sprinting down a new pathway, one plagued with various specialty shops that told them to buy the goods in the brick buildings that blocked the air from their west. Ignoring the Half Brown Delictacon, passing by the Swatter Shop, and all but hurrying away from the Jolly Roger Grocery Store, Lui, Nogla, Wildcat, Vanoss, and Delirious increased their speed, teeth bore so tightly they suspected they had witnessed the greatest burn of the century. Pushing past a pair of ponies who had emerged from one of the shops, Lui—who led the group in their tactical retreat—yelled, "How close are they?!"

The task of looking behind them was left to Delirious, and so, sucking on his teeth, he stole a glance past his rear and almost shit on the floor. He swung his neck around so fast he thought he'd break it, shouting, "Pretty fuckin' close!"

Lui, not believing him, turned as well.

He increased his speed, now believing him, prompting the others to accelerate as well. From behind came a hellish beeping noise, which grew louder and louder until it stopped in a manner of two seconds. The two in the back, Delirious and Vanoss, ducked and sidestepped to the right, narrowly avoiding a large chunk of red brick that had dislodged from the roof of the building next to them. Nogla, turning his head to the east, pointed and shouted just in time for Wildcat to throw his neck back, avoiding a pair of streetlamps that instantly shattered the window into a confection shop and fell inside to rest there. As the tinkling of glass met their ears, they looked ahead as Lui jabbed a hoof to his left.

"Shit, another left!"

Fleeing down a new corridor, they began to look at one another with looks of indecisiveness.

"Whaddoo we do?!" Nogla wailed, holding onto his paper bag before it could fly off.

Rushing past an open white picket gate, they burst out into the sunlight and immediately took a right, hoping that the amount of ponies currently escaping the streets would be incentive enough for the Wardens to stop going fucking nuts. Instantly proven wrong by a fire hydrant that rolled into their way, they stumbled over it and hurried off, their speed now halved from their near-trip to the ground. With the closest buildings now blocking off their east, they stole a glance to look inside one for anything they could use to their advantage. Seeing nothing but their reflections in the glass, they continued on their way at a faster rate once a pair of ponies suddenly appeared in the window.

Delirious, looking up, pushed Vanoss to his right as he skipped to his left. Thanking him, Vanoss looked back at the patio that had landed between them and found the pair of Wardens suddenly appearing on top of it, the blue fire in their eyes now in violent wisps reminiscent of Tesla coils. Giving a silent Eep!, he turned tail and almost missed his friends taking a right into an alleyway. Once again together in a train formation, with Vanoss as the caboose, they all looked ahead and felt as if the Wardens would simply crush them with the claustrophobic brick walls keeping them on their path. Entering a large area that opened up on their left to the back doors of a pair of stores, the Wardens instead teleported directly in their path at the end of the alley.

Shaking his head as they screeched to a halt, Lui caught something in his sights and howled, "There! Left!"

Looking that way, they found nothing but a long section of brick and doors.

"There's just a fuckin' wall there, genius!" Wildcat cried, stomping his hooves on the grass.

"No!" Lui said, pointing, "There's a window in the middle there, see?!"

Their gazes drew to the spot. Indeed, a rectangular black window showed themselves staring at it stupidly. Hearing the sounds of approaching thunder, they watched as Lui brought out his Advanced Rifle and fiddled with its bolt. Pulling it back, he brought the scope up to his eyes, waited, and promptly grabbed hold of the front end, shouting a war cry as he flung the rifle into the window. Its exterior blown to Oblivion, the window now presented them a way out. Scrambling through, they found themselves behind the counter of what appeared to be a closed butchery.

Vaulting over the granite countertop, Wildcat spat, "Good job you fuckin' idiot," just as the wall behind them exploded with the force of a thousand sledgehammers. Now at a full sprint, the robbers stumbled to the exit, ignoring the Wardens, who magicked their barbed spears up from next to them. Crouching down, they jerked their necks forward and watched as their spears stabbed through the air, only to lodge themselves in the wooden front door of the establishment.

Nogla, who had ceased their spears from reaching him and his friends, quickly hopped away as what he had thereby avoided sliced through the door, almost nicking his rear end. Hearing a new set of commands from their leading young colt, he spammed an almost inaudible, "Ah fuck fuck fuck fuck," as the Wardens burst through the door, which shattered upon hitting the adjacent sign that invited people to eat the business' meat products.

Scurrying toward a lone tree, surrounded by a short rock wall, in the center of the road, the Wardens began sprinting after them, their horns lighting up to stop them in their tracks. Looking back at them, Delirious turned around to find a large blue blur destroy the middle of the large white oak in front of him. As it sagged from the new vertical slice going right down its middle, a blue, masked Pegasus hopped through with gusto, chasing after his friends as they crossed the street.

Lui, still leading, nodded to something in front of him, shouting to his followers, "Take a right behind the building ahead of us!"

Delirious, sprinting beside Vanoss, asked, "What?! Why?! Do you even know where the hell you're going?!"

"Just shut up and trust me, alright?!"

Delirious let out a breath, but relented. Pursuing the others, he took a swift right and found himself in a circular section of an alleyway, almost identical to the previous area that housed their mishap with the window from earlier. With a rectangular catwalk of construction ramps encompassing his right, he found his gaze drawing left and felt his jaw drop. Sitting in the shade were three large vehicles, all of which Delirious had seen before. Watching as his friends' movements slowed, he realized that they were having the same reactions.

Taking up its own space on the left, sitting loud and proud, was a bright yellow and green bus.

Wildcat's face lit up as he threw his hooves into the air. "Look man, I'm all up for the Banana Bus and shit, but this thing's slow as fuck, dude!"

"No problem!" Lui replied, pulling out a can of nitrous for all to see.

Next to it sat a smaller, bright red car that the young colt immediately hurried over to. His Comet, sporting a pretty questionable coat of mud and dirt, suddenly came to life, its blue headlights spurring up in syncopation with the sports car's engine. Sitting behind Lui's comet, Delirious realized, was a vehicle quite familiar to him. He gave a snort and a grin. His dark blue Zentorno, the one he recognized he had used during their horn concert, shimmered at him beautifully. His eyes grew narrow.

There weren't enough for all of them.

"There's only three cars here!" He shouted at Lui. The colt, fiddling with his keys inside his car, leaned his head out and replied.

"Yeah, some of you 're gonna have ta buddy up! Nogla!" The Unicorn looked at him. "You're with me!"

Wildcat, stepping into the critically acclaimed Banana Bus, craned his neck and waved a hoof over to himself, "Evan! C'mon! You're sitting in the back though, fucker!"

"Wow, way ta be racist, Wildcat," Vanoss spat, disgusted.

Stepping into the Bus, Wildcat took his place in the driver's seat and slid the window to his left open to reply, "Shut the fuck up an' get in!" Turning his attention to the dash, he brought out a pair of keys and slid it into the ignition. Turning them, he held them there as the engine began to sputter. "Badoop-a-doop, Banana–"

The front of the bus spewed black smoke.

"FUCK."

The yell having caught his attention, Lui poked his head out in an instant and looked Wildcat's way. "What's wrong?!"

"Fuckin' thing won't start!" Running out the side door, he practically flung himself in front of the bus and opened up its hood. Sucking on his teeth at the sight, Wildcat threw his hooves onto the metal exterior of his favorite vehicle and turned his head to his right. "Alright, fuck! Guys, I can't fuckin' leave if this thing isn't fuckin' running! I'm gonna have ta fix it, because there's no goddamn way I'm sitting next ta Nogla's ass."

Delirious pointed a hoof at his chest.

"You're just fuckin' retarded Delirious I wouldn't wanna sit next to you with your driving."

Vanoss, standing next to Wildcat, crossed his arms, "Well what the hell do you want us ta do?!"

About-facing, he screamed, "Fuckin' cover my ass while I fix it!"

Now with a goal in mind, the rest of the group turned to face the way they had come in to the alleyway, not noticing the male Warden on the roof above them until he had stomped his hooves in fury, sending concrete flying to the ground below. Backing up at the sight of him, they watched as the Warden's horn began bursting with orange energy, rearing up on his hindlegs. Vanoss, standing in front of Lui's Comet, ducked and looked to his right with a beckoning hoof. "Delirious! Baseball bat!"

Catching the weapon, he readied his swing and looked up, calling, "Ultimate Homerun!" and knocking the beam of magic right back at its caster, who flinched and backpedaled out of sight as the shingles in front of him exploded in his face.

Nogla, looking around, asked, "Where's the other one?" Missing the teleportation light behind him, he suddenly found his legs being swept from underneath him by a javelin. Falling onto the ground with a crunch, he rolled to stare up into his attacker's eyes and found the bright blue eyeslits of the female Warden. Its spear turned about so that its sharp end faced him. The Warden's killing blow was spoiled by a sudden rocket to its body, sending it grinding through the dirt a few feet away, its armored hooves creating two trails of destroyed grass in its wake.

Delirious, pausing to reload, looked for the male Warden and immediately found it descending the construction scaffolding in a furious fashion. Pointing a hoof, he opened his mouth to shout out its location, finding this attempt null and void as Lui simply walked up from his right, Minigun in both hooves. Still trotting forward, the crowd control weapon began spinning, sending a shower of bullets into the catwalk that ripped and tore away the sheets covering it. Only saved by his armor, which deflected the bullets off it like water droplets on a rooftop, the Warden vaulted over the side and dropped to the ground, creating a small crater.

Its spear appearing from its side and spinning around, the Warden sent it into the group of ponies, who dove out of the way. The spear, having missed its target, shattered into a window in the Banana Bus' left side. Wildcat, instantly tutting loudly, stepped away from his work on its engine and brought out his RPG, firing into the scaffolding the male Warden had come down on. The rocket connected with one of the corner beams and promptly sent it tumbling down onto the two Wardens, who had paired up next to each other to better their intimidation factor.

Now trapped underneath the metallic structure and covered in a thick cloud of dust, the two heavily armored Celestial Wardens let their heads fall to the floor. Wildcat shut the Banana Bus' hood closed, then brought a hoof up to the side of his mouth and whooped, "Alright guys, get your asses into the cars!"

Running into their respective vehicles, they started up their engines, save for Delirious, who leaned his head out the side of his window and shouted, "Wait! Where the hell're we meetin' up?!"

Shutting his driver side door with a bang, Lui replied, "Where you got your bounty! We'll meet up there!"

With that, the Banana Bus—with Vanoss and Wildcat inside—and the Comet—with Lui and Nogla inside—sped out of the alleyway, kicking up dirt and grass on their way. As the sounds of their engines began fading away, Delirious was left alone, his engine having a bit of trouble starting. Pushing on his gas pedal and working his ignition, he heard the telltale sounds of the Wardens rising to their hooves. "C'mon you motherfucker... c'mon!"

The Zentorno spurred to life, belting smoke out of its exhaust. Looking to his left, he found the two Wardens now fully up, shaking their heads vigorously. Throwing his gear shifter around, he finally caught it one Drive and stepped his hoof on the gas pedal. His car fishtailing out of its previous position, he careened out of the alleyway and caught a split second of air, turning right and beginning to head down the grass field that met his sights. Looking up at his rear view mirror as his car bumped up and down along the ground, he found that he was currently heading South East.

His super car sped like a blur past rows of trees that bore a familiarity to him. Blowing past a sign that he couldn't read on his side, he didn't have time to look back and examine it.

Falling to the ground, the now broken pieces welcomed all of the heavens to Sweet Apple Acres, home of the best cider their side of Equestria.

And Outta Their Sight

The navy blue Zentorno lurched, its right side taking the cliff's natural ramp solely. Soaring through the air, it instantly tipped forward and hit a group of waiting cacti, causing it to tumble end over end with a loud crash. As the green desert plants splattered against the windshield, the Zentorno's windows shattered and its side-view mirrors found themselves flung completely free from the soon-to-be wreck. Rolling over, the super car slid on its roof for a solid few seconds, finally settling in a bush that halted it instantly. The back end raising up into the air and falling back down, the Zentorno remained still, its top end now nestled in the scorching desert sand.

A pair of noises approached deafeningly, their uproarious engines raising a ruckus as they decelerated near the wreckage. Stopping at its rear, the two other Zentornos deposited their drivers: a pair of stallions, one a yellow Pegasus and the other a sage Earth Pony. Their Zentornos, both black but with differing secondary colors—red and green—they looked at one another and grinned, nodding. The Pegasus pulled out an Assault Rifle. The Earth Pony, noting his companion's choice, equipped his Marksman Pistol. Turning to the fallen car, they stared at the passenger window silently.

The sun high above them spread its light across their features.

The lack of wind kept their matching leather jackets around them tightly.

A sudden noise roused them from their observations, and they looked to the other side of the wreckage to find a blue stallion aiming an Assault Shotgun at them. The Pegasus, eyes wide, suddenly gained a new collection of gaping holes in his face. His friend falling to the ground in an incredibly bloody heap, the Earth Pony cocked the hammer back on his Marksman Pistol and crouched down to find his attacker inside the car. Looking in head first, he reeled back and stumbled across the sand, screaming bloody murder as he held a hoof to the new knife handle currently protruding from his right eye.

Groaning, he groggily raised his Marksman Pistol and opened his surviving eye, only to stop as he found the blue stallion, the silencer on his Assault Shotgun now stuffed into his mouth.

H2O Delirious' brow furrowed heavily, and he growled from somewhere down in his throat as he yanked the trigger. Staring down at the fresh corpse, he narrowed his eyes and bent over, picking up the Earth Pony's Pistol. Holstering it, he blinked, now staring at the pair of remaining Zentornos standing in the sunlight. Walking over to the first one, which was black and green, he reached a hoof out and felt for the driver-side door. It awarded him with nothing. Trying the other car gave the same results.

"Fuck," he whispered, eyes scanning the horizon for their respawning. Finding a far off shadow in the distance, Delirious reached into his crotch to get his Heavy Sniper. He frowned, unable to find it. Cursing under his breath, he opted for his Marksman Rifle. Bringing it up to his eyes, he held his breath and hovered his scope's crosshairs over the stallion's head. Eyes narrowing, he lowered his weapon and looked to his left and his right, then brought the weapon back up again to the previous spot. His aim lowered.

The shot cracked, and so did the newly re-birthed Earth Pony's nutsack.

Delirious about-faced, swinging his Marksman Rifle around to face his rear. He jabbed the barrel into the yellow Pegasus' chin, who grit his teeth and slowly lowered his weapon as the Rifle slid up his neck to rest against his Adam's Apple. Dropping his Shotgun to the ground, he raised his hooves into the air with a shaky breath. Delirious, still aiming his Rifle at his head, bent over and retrieved the Pegasus' Pump Shotgun, holstering it on his back as he stood up once more.

The Pegasus' hooves faltered slightly as he croaked, "You're not gonna shoot an unarmed pony, are ya?"

Delirious stood undaunted, not swaying in the slightest at the Pegasus' moral-defining question. Thinking for a second, he reached a hoof into his crotch and pulled out a half-broken bottle that he presented to his hostage. Chucking it to him, Delirious watched as he involuntarily caught it before it could hit him in the gut. A confused look on his face, the Pegasus spread his forelegs out to ask the purpose of Delirious' previous action, only to scream in pain as a bullet lodged itself in his hindleg. Falling to the floor with a thud, he clutched the now wounded appendage and yelled to the heavens how poor his current state of living was.

Holstering his Marksman Rifle, Delirious found himself breathing heavily, not fully knowing why until he finally caught a glimpse of where exactly he was. Blue eyes slowly panned around his surroundings carefully, almost thoughtfully.

Large formations of rust orange rocks stretched out of the ground for hundreds of miles in front of him, the tan colored ground making excellent breeding grounds for collections of cacti and various kinds of brush. The sky bore no distractions and no covers, completely visible from anywhere in the arid Badlands, be it high on the mountains or low in the dark dank gorges that cut across the landscape like a jagged knife. The sun, rather big at this time of day, brought out its deadliest entourage yet, having already soaked Delirious with his own sweat, which he wiped off his brow as his eyes fell back to the ground.

He sighed, not realizing where exactly he had driven into until that very minute. Swallowing a lump down his throat, he remembered that he and his friends were meeting up somewhere around here.

Delirious paused, ears straight as he suddenly turned around and around and around, finding nothing but bush, cacti, and sand for thousands of leagues away.

A frown fell on his lips, accompanying the hush that followed.

Looking from one now-dead body to the next, Delirious looked north, adjusted his blue sweater, and ran as fast as he could into the desert, ignoring the discarded and long-burnt out flare on the ground by his hooves.

Author's Note

Sorry about this one being so short. Let's just call it a bit of an intermission into the second act of Outta My Mind. This is also where I will OFFICIALLY take my hiatus until January. Hope you stick around until then! Love you guys!

Non-Canon Christmas Special

Today was the day

where all fillies and colts,

would get out of their dreams

and awake with a jolt.

"It's Hearth's Warming Day!"

they would say with a shout,

as they fled from their rooms

to scurry about.

They would wake up their parents

their brothers and sisters,

making sure ponies saw

what was left by the Mister.

Mister Santa Hooves of course,

jolliest of ponies

bringer of presents to good foals

and coal to the phonies.

Houses countrywide

began to start up,

as the chill air outside

gave some warmth to their cups.

In Canterlot

the city of nobles,

aristocrats and gossipers

began to grovel.

Knowing full well

nopony liked their beings,

they started filling the streets

caroling and seeing.

In Cloudsdale,

the city of Pegasi,

the local pony population

flew about the sky.

Gathering in

the hovering town square,

they smiled at one another

glad to be there.

There were towns

and cities dotting the land,

but none could come close

to the Ville so grand.

Ponyville was its name,

the residence of Noteworthy,

the other ponies around him,

and the bass-playing mare he'd loved in a hurry.

As one practiced music

and the other was decorating,

they allowed themselves smiles to each other

in silent admiration.

There were other ponies

cooped inside their homes,

with nothing but presents

keeping them from groans.

The promise of gifts

awaited year long,

they opened with fury

singing holiday songs.

Across Ponyville

in an otherwise quiet apple field,

groups of individuals

frolicked with zeal.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders,

dodging about,

screamed in fear

and ducked with a shout.

For ten feet away

nestled high in a tree,

was a reloading owl

Hoodi–

His mask coated with snow,

leaves, and pine,

Vanoss looked left

and shrank back with a whine.

For Lui,

the small and not-so-colt,

brought out his RPG

and put it up to a vote.

"Should I or shouldn't I?"

he asked to below,

the ponies who were warring

stopping their show.

"Yeah!" said Rainbow Dash,

stolen sniper in her hooves,

"Take down that bird,

show him your moves!"

Lui cast his glance leftward,

to a duo relaxing,

talking about nothing but

bananas and taxing.

Wildcat looked up,

a bored stare in his eyes,

as Nogla mimicked him,

fucking some guys.

(Not really,) said Yamsmos,

typing this out,

(Nogla just sucks,

now look at him pout.)

The Unicorn,

now frowning in sadness,

crossed his forelegs

and mumbled some badness.

Across the way

watching with glee

were the other mares:

Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity.

Pinkie Pie,

still gone and off on adventure,

had wrote them a letter

to address her absence-ture.

"Hi girls!"

the note had began,

"Sorry I couldn't make it,

I'm wearing a frying pan!"

That was all there was

so the other Main Five,

played in the Acres

engaging in jive.

For a little ways away,

past the drinking Mac,

sat H2O Delirious

and dear Applejack.

The two were conversing

'bout nothin' but apples,

one lamenting,

and the other quite happil

y listening instead

as the mare continued on,

only to stop

as he heard a new song.

His ears propping up,

and his mug lowered down,

Delirious turned,

his lips in a frown.

The other three mares,

with their scarves, boots and hats,

giggled mischievously,

pawing at the snow like cats.

Applejack rolled her eyes,

nudging Delirious' side,

as she looked his way,

and began to chide.

"We should go throw some snowballs,"

she began with a smile,

"sure would make this whole thing

all worth the while."

But Delirious,

forelegs crossed with a frown,

shook his head,

"I'd rather sit down."

"Oh c'mon!" said Sweetie Belle,

trotting close,

"You can't just sit there,

and act like a host!"

"'Like a host?'" asked Delirious,

skeptical as hell,

wondering if the young filly earlier

had stumbled and fell.

"You know!" piped up Scootaloo,

waving her hoof,

"All boring and dumb,

and kind of aloof."

"Why are you so mad?" asked Apple Bloom

with a skyward brow,

"It's Hearth's Warming Day,

Ah'm just wonderin' how."

"I fucking hate Christmas,"

said Delirious with a sneer.

"Well Ah fuckin' hate you,"

said Mac, who was near.

"The air is too cold,

and I don't like the snow.

Presents are boring,

and Santa's a ho."

"But there's friends and hot cocoa!"

"An' snowball fights!"

"There's no time for moping,

but there's lots for light!"

"But it's mostly night during winter,"

Delirious replied with doubt,

"Just because you're horses

doesn't mean that that's out."

"Celestia compensates,"

Applejack replied,

"Luna is sleeping,

drunk on french fries."

Delirious scoffed,

"Oh how would you know?"

"Ah watch everypony," she replied,

"now get up an' go!"

Slapping his side,

and eliciting a shout,

Applejack grinned,

as Delirious spun about.

Rolling his eyes,

he looked for his friends,

finding on the ground

Vanoss, at his end.

Lui, still laughing,

holstered his gun,

jumped down the tree,

and broke into a run.

Vanoss, respawning,

could only yelp,

as Lui threw a punch,

stowing his call for help.

Nogla and Wildcat,

now walking around,

sat on their rumps,

making dumb sounds.

Drinking from wood mugs,

filled with sparkling cider,

they cheered for their young friend,

and booed at the hider.

Vanoss, proclaiming,

"Mass bullshit,"

raised his hooves up

and said, "I quit!"

Lui, chuckling,

his cigar aflame,

kindly walked off,

satisfied with their game.

The whole pony group,

now smiling at each other,

gathered into a circle,

embracing like child and mother.

Vanoss, Wildcat,

Lui and Nogla,

raised their brows,

not walking over.

Twilight Sparkle,

her wings by her sides,

poked her head out,

shouting, "Get over here, guys!"

The four exchanged looks

with Delirious who said,

"Ain't my choice,

I'd rather be dead."

The four agreed

with their blue friend's comment,

then stopped and squirmed

trying not to vomit.

Now encased in magic,

they hovered through the air,

cursing and protesting

to all who were there.

Dropped into the middle

of the pony fuck-party,

they grumbled sweet nothings

and Nogla became farty.

Undeterred,

but slightly cringing,

the ponies around them,

embraced them while singing.

Delirious,

still sitting by a tree,

cursed to himself,

and arose to go pee.

Catching his movement,

and smiling happily,

Applejack waved him over,

saying all sappily.

"C'mon Sugarcube,

get over here now.

If you don't, well,

you'll hate me. I'll show you how."

Delirious nickered,

"Go fuck yourself, Applejack."

"Can't do it alone,"

said the farmpony right back.

Pupils dilated,

and his eyes dancing erratically,

Delirious walked over,

grumbling sporadically.

Now nestled inside

the huge pony hug,

Delirious looked at his friends,

looking quite smug.

As the embrace broke,

and made way for the tree,

Delirious still

really had to pee.

The ponies, (and pig),

now turned around,

looked up at the tall pine,

not making a sound.

Wildcat,

his hooves trotting through snow,

scanned the ground for the cord,

and, unlucky, he groaned.

Finally spotting it,

next to a leaf,

he attached both ends,

and sighed with relief.

The lights,

now on and sparkling bright,

lit up the Hearth's Warming tree,

as morning came to thwart their night.

The ponies all smiled,

their friendships ablooming,

as they watched the nestled star high above,

unmoving.

Its golden exterior,

shimmering through the night,

caused them to cheer

for their goals proved right.

Though small,

weak, and made out of tinsel,

the star remained still

and bright like a pencil.

It was Hearth's Warming Day

and the presents would come,

but for now they would sit,

and rest 'til the sun.

Act 2 of OMM,

following Delirious in the desert,

would be fast approaching,

and the readers (hopefully) would not desert.

"So Happy Holidays," said the crew,

"from all of us."

Wildcat, happily,

shouted...

"Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus!"

Author's Note

Happy Holidays, guys! You guys wouldn't believe me if I told you how hard this was to write! Hope you guys stick around for January! Be safe, don't eat the yellow snow, and try to have fun for fucks' sake. Hope you enjoyed! :heart:

It's A Beautiful Day Outside

Today was just another ordinary day to Applejack. One where she would open up her house's old, creaky front door and welcome the rising sun, taking a minute to bask in it all and sigh a happy sigh before going into the fields to start her work for the day. One where she would find herself already slightly chilled by the lack of heat emanating from above, one where she would half wish she had brought a scarf. According to Rainbow the day before, the day was to be prepped for a pretty mean rain storm, on account of Princess Celestia's arrival for her annual tea time at Sugarcube Corner.

Though she felt a little bad for the Cakes, seeing as how Pinkie Pie was long gone and off somewhere, she had to admire them for working so hard. When the Princess came, she barely ever touched any of the other bakery products that had been baked for her, though Applejack always assumed that it was more out of an interest in keeping her reputation up by not gorging herself like a starved pig during winter season in the middle of the Crystal Empire. Today was a day to be out working, and she would have if her bed didn't oddly beckon to her after waving goodbye to Delirious and his friends. With a yawn and a pat to her sister's side, the mare decided that today was a day to... maybe just say...

...fuck it, to all those apples in their apple trees.

Today was a day to work. But Applejack decided that today was better spent with just a few more minutes under her warm sheets. She wasn't sleeping, no, she couldn't. What if Apple Bloom suddenly caught the kitchen in a... burning blaze of fire, or what if Granny broke her hip, her butt, her nose, and her thyroid going up the staircase again? She had to be awake for that. In both cases, the pony involved wouldn't be able to call out to her, and the other one currently in the house would be too enthralled in watching to not say anything. Granny was old and Apple Bloom was just too stubborn to try asking her sister for help in flinging water over the burning refrigerator.

With the admittedly delicious smell of apple pie lingering through the outer halls, the promise of a good day hanging outside her window, and her always trusty Stetson sitting on the old oak dresser nestled by her bed, Applejack gave a happy snicker into the top of her pillow, wondering just when she would get off her lazy flank and start working. The Harvest may have been over for about a week or so, but apple trees didn't take a day off when they were done with their part, so Applejack might as well be considerate. Considerate.

Considerate, huh?

She gave an annoyed look to the Stetson laying silently in front of her slumber-crusted eyelids.

She really needed to stop hanging around Rarity so much. Her advanced speaking-stuff was beginning to kill her like a hot knife through ripe flesh.

She froze, her eyes now wide.

Okay she really needed to stop hanging around Delirious too.

She laughed again.

Yeah right.

"Okay, this is gettin' a little too real," Applejack suddenly claimed, sitting up in her bed with a look of dreariness across her face. Eyes struggling to remain open and her mouth fixed into a slack, half-conscious frown, the farmpony took one look around her room before rubbing her sights with a tired hoof. Everything was the same as before—the otterman or something that Rarity had given her sat by its delicate, dumb little purple self in the corner of her room, next to her desk piled high with her impressive collection of books ranging from apple cellar origins to the exact differences between oranges and apples, and then from how to properly core an apple to the latest on apple bucking in a magazine that she really wished Rarity hadn't given her that had pictures she really wished Apple Bloom hadn't seen when her back was turned while making dinner last week.

With her left foreleg pressed into her apple-dotted pillow, Applejack raised an eyebrow toward her ceiling, noticing her door's half-open status. She frowned, lightly flinging her bed sheets across the rest of her bed's frame as she hopped onto the red carpet nestled underneath her bunk. Testing the ground for a few seconds to make sure she wasn't drunk the night before (somehow) or high on something Delirious had probably snuck into her drink or her burger that she really didn't want to have, Applejack felt herself wobble. Catching herself, she blamed it on being tired, convinced herself that questioning otherwise was pretty stupid, and stepped back toward her bed, leaning a hoof over to retrieve her Stetson. Placing it onto her head with a well-arced throw, Applejack struck a pose and whinnied to nopony but herself.

Standing on her hindlegs with her fores kicking out in the air, she looked down cheerily to find Apple Bloom walking past her door with a look that silently asked her if she was high on something Delirious had snuck into her drink or if she were drunk on whiskey again.

"That was one time Apple Bloom, don't even start that–"

"What was one time?" Apple Bloom asked, opening her door and ignoring the ear-shattering creak that accompanied it.

Applejack let her forelegs fall to the floor, eliciting a clip and a clop that left her undeterred, her expression matching the one she'd given Rarity when she was about to buck the tree out of Twilight's house all those years ago. She blinked carefully. "Nothin' sis."

Apple Bloom, a hoof holding the door open, gave her sister a run for her bits in the Eyebrow Contest.

"Go clean up yer room–"

"Mah room's clean."

"Okay."

Apple Bloom blinked.

"Ah'm gonna go downstairs now..."

"Don't let me stop you."

The filly did as she said she would.

Applejack, left standing in the middle of her room, spoke Eye Morse Code with her still agape door, deep down hoping that it would understand her and tell her something back. The door remained a door: dead and not alive. Which were the same thing, Applejack realized, only having her thoughts to keep her company until she descended the staircase. These thoughts were not great companions to be left alone with, even though they concerned apples and her family, and so Applejack decided that enough was enough. Taking a step toward her exit, Applejack allowed herself the beginning of one last look inside her room.

She stopped, and a smile slowly formed on her lips.

Turning to her right, Applejack trotted toward the black hat hanger situated adjacently to her door, her green eyes peering through the sunlight gleaming in through her one window behind her, its God rays laying a path down for her as she approached the brown cowboy hat hanging from the hanger. She halted in front of it, bringing a hoof up and placing it inside the crown to lift it to her face. Her smile pressed into her freckled cheeks, and she giggled to herself as she gazed at the hat Delirious had given her. A dark brown color with a stitched black hatband reminiscent of a belt.

Not bad.

She placed it back onto the hanger, deciding that she'd rather wear her pa's hat for the day.

Not bad indeed.

She gave out a loud breath, a cocky grin on her face as she faced her door once more. Okay! Enough muckin' around farmpony, it's time to go! She hesitated for a very brief second of her life, but shook her head to herself and began to trot forward. Fer real now! She pressed her hoof against her door, even though she knew that it was already open and bumping against the worn wood wall that had been victimized enough already. She continued on with her head held high. You've got it! Get to work! No turnin' back!

She turned her head as she stepped a hoof onto the staircase.

Remaining there for some time, she tilted her head, hummed, and then finally fled down the stairs, her hooves connecting with the first floor of her family's beloved house with a duo of loud stomps. Looking to her right at the expected sound of confused stuttering, Applejack chuckled and asked, "Good morning Granny Smith! Fall asleep in yer chair again, didja?"

The old mare narrowed her eyes. "Now just what are you implyin', young mare? Ah'll have ya know that when Ah was a young filly, Ah had ta sit in a chair fer five hours because Ah snuck a ribbon candy from the top of our wagon."

"Ah'm afraid ribbon candy wasn't made by anyone who liked ponies, Granny Smith," Applejack replied with a sly grin, only half-joking.

The elder mare grumbled something, leaning over to fall back asleep under her hoof-made quilt blanket.

Today was gonna be a good day. Stealing a glance to a nearby window, Applejack watched as Pegasi flew through the sky in a hurry, pushing clouds around to make way for Celestia's coming. She didn't really understand why they'd plan a rain storm when the Princess herself was coming, but she remembered something Rainbow Dash had told her a few days or so ago. Something about rainbows and precipitation and a buncha stuff that Rainbow knew Applejack didn't pay a lotta attention to.

She raised a brow however, suddenly able to make out what looked to be a worried expression on one Pegasus' face as she pulled at a pair of clouds, bringing them away from Ponyville in a hurry. Leaning forward and peering through the window, Applejack gave a curious hum as she realized that all the Pegasi were doing the same. Just what were they in such a rush for? Did the Princess cancel or somethin'?

She was roused from her observations as a voice called to her from the kitchen, tainting the otherwise inviting smell of fresh apple pie.

"Hey Applejack! Look what Ah just made!"

She cringed at the sound, having hoped that she could just get a cup of coffee or two in her before she headed out. Having tried the brew out thanks to the recommendation of Delirious and practically all his friends, she had to admit that she liked the feeling of looking forward to a cup of caffeine every morning before heading out. Black coffee had a well-deserved kick to it, but it required lots and lots of creamer before she'd even touch it. Where was she again–

"Applejaaaaaack, c'mon! Ah made you an apple pie before you went to go buck today!"

She smiled. Her little sister always looked out for her.

"Ah mean, Ah know that Delirious just left an' all..."

Excuse me?

"...but Mac is gone, and once you're done and ya feel a little winded out there in the fields..."

"Apple Bloom!" Applejack snapped, a frown on her face as she pointed to her left, "Granny is right there!"

"H-Huh, whazzat Applejack? Somethin' about ripe pears?"

Applejack mouthed a quick wait, her head swiftly turning around to look toward the kitchen as she asked, "Wait. Where'd Big Macintosh run off to?"

Apple Bloom poked her head around the corner, a green apron wrapped around her neck and fussing up her bow. "Ah dunno! Ah think he went ta go to the bank! Said somethin' about gettin' some funds or somethin'." Her face lit up, a large smile crossing her face as she hopped an inch into the air. "You wanna come see my apple pie now?"

The question was starting to become an innuendo. This upset Applejack more than anything, mostly because she wouldn't have taken notice of it if it weren't for Delirious and his friends being around her constantly. Rolling her eyes, Applejack nodded, the young mare excitedly turning tail to head back into the kitchen in wait. Taking a few steps forward to follow Apple Bloom, Applejack suddenly stopped, about jumping into the air at the sound of something heavy smashing into the front door. She groaned, her neck going forward as she gave an annoyed sigh.

She turned around, trotting toward the closed front door as she spoke, "Rainbow Dash! Just what in the hay are you doin'? The door's always closed, ya can't just barge into it expectin' it ta just open." Raising a hoof up to the doorknob, she twisted it and flung the door open, sure enough finding the light blue Pegasus curled up into a ball at her hooves. Applejack frowned, prodding the mare with a hoof. "Yeah. Door kinda hurts, don't it?" She tapped the side of Rainbow's face, and her heart halted at once.

A sniffle escaped from the fetal-positioned mare.

Rainbow, slowly, gazed up at Applejack, tears streaming down her face and her teeth bore tightly.

Applejack raised a brow. "Rainbow Dash? Y'all alright?"

Her already open eyes widened. Her pupils shrank. The Pegasus' hooves were slick with blood that ran through her coat, staining the light blue fur in its wake. They shook violently as Applejack's heart threatened to collapse. The next words that came from Rainbow's mouth were ones she never thought she'd ever have to hear in her entire life, ones she constantly hoped would never have to occur at all, ones she dreaded.

"M-Mac's... h-hurt.."

Author's Note

Welcome to Act II everybody. Happy New Year.

I'll try to get these chapters out as quickly and as high-quality as I can. I hope you all are okay if they don't have any set schedule. Writing too much Stroll has made Applejack's thoughts sound super smart. :heart:

Steak Quiet

Of course. That—no—this was where he would find what he needed. What he required. There was no time for fucking around. Today was all about gathering what he needed to survive another day. Survive. Just like always. Or, well, just like it had been for the past month or so. Had it really been a month? Maybe he was over-exaggerating; there was no way it could have already been one month of his being stuck out in this Godforsaken desert, with a sun too scalding and a ground too itchy. It had to have been a few weeks at most, maybe three or four. Possibly five. He had taken quite a while to find someplace new to hold up in after the native Buffalo took over his last cave, claiming stupid bullshit like "burial ground" and "ancestral importance". They should've counted their damn stars, since he had begrudgingly agreed on a full stomach at the time.

He'd always wondered what Buffalo tasted like.

He stopped, the wrapped hooves clinging tightly around his binoculars thudding against the hard stone of his lookout perch. He'd had Buffalo before hadn't he? Like, Buffalo Wings and shit, right? That was...

...wait. No. No those are chicken.

He shook his head with a quick, polite, perfect, "Fuck!" Dipping his head back down, he sank low to the torn blanket underneath his clothed body, blue eyes narrowing in anticipation as he brought up his binoculars once more. Opening his mouth in an attempt to mutter a magnificent showing of hard work, he adjusted the windage turret situated on his equipment's right side, focusing on the small building in the a little ways down the stony, sandy hill he was currently lying upon. Getting suddenly irritated by the former, he lowered his spyglass and looked down. A scowl crossing his lips, he brushed away a small collection of the latter. His head turned once he remembered he was doing something.

His attention returned to the impressively sizable shack sitting in the middle of what was supposed to be an otherwise desolate, horrible wasteland of an arid desert. With its cute little chimney puffing out little clouds of smoke and its fenced-in livestock calmly walking around their home in front of the shack, the area seemed to be a sudden pull-away from what he had grown accustomed to for the past few months/weeks/whatever the fuck it was. He tilted the binoculars to the left with a hoof, using the other to wipe at his eye vigorously, a loose grain of dirt having plagued his vision for the past minute or so. Or was it more an hour or so? He couldn't really remember when it had first started–

He chuckled, raising his belly off the blanket to hold his aching chest in response. Almost breathlessly, he cursed, "Goddammit," and rose to his hooves. His stance was, ever so slightly, shakily presented, mostly aided by the single dislocated hindleg he had accumulated a week or so back. Though he'd put a splint on it made of metal beams from a long-abandoned backpack sitting on the side of what he had assumed to be a man-made trail, the leg was still wobbly and would most likely be a source of problems for the weeks to come. He gave off a sigh. He'd eat some of his Los Santos-gifted food to heal himself if he could. Sadly, the wrappers of his Egochasers and the boxes of his P's & Q's were about twenty miles back in a cave now filled with Buffalo. Those motherfuckers were probably eating that shit up right now, claiming it was given to them by their Gods.

His stomach ached deafeningly.

He'd also tried eating his sweater.

That was not a good idea.

He stole a look at the article of clothing underneath his tattered, sand-colored cloak lightly fluttering in the wind behind him. Still dirty as fuck, but at least there weren't any holes in it. He couldn't necessarily say the same for his cloak, but hey, it did its job and it did it well. Which was to make him look super fucking cool. He grinned to himself, striking a pose and casting his glance backward as he lifted the shawl into the air. It did its job really fucking well, that was for damn sure. He turned back to the shack down the hill, newly invigorated. A selection of quick nods and blown breaths later, the stallion about-faced and found the large rock protecting his right side. A hoof, messily wrapped up in lines of gauze, reached for the Marksman Rifle propped against the natural formation. Tugging at the sling, he threw it over his chest and made sure it was snug, finally sprinting down the dune once he agreed that it was so.

The slope made way for loose collections, causing him to change his approach and opt on simply sliding down the rest of the way. He hit the bottom with nothing but a simple thud and a low grunt, his mind fixated on one thing and one thing only. He dashed across the front yard, and though he raised an eyebrow to the sky as he brushed past the little white mailbox, he found himself pressing his side against the wall of the house in the span of five seconds. He looked down at the noticeably lower elevation of sand that extended straight out from his body. He had slid the rest of the way to the wall, expertly propping himself up against it, which had led to this exact moment in time. Said moment in time was solely devoted to him observing this, and so he cracked a stupid grin and laughed.

"I'm so fuckin' cool holy shit."

He leaned a bit to the left now, eyes flitting upward to find a small window sitting above his head. His ears stood erect for a brief moment to listen for any signs of movement from inside. The twin appendages flicked idly as he lowered his gaze, giving the baaing Goat Bros and the swaying pinwheel windmill looks of annoyance. He suddenly realized he was shivering, instinctively throwing his hooves up to his body as he regarded the triangular shadow of the house beneath him with the expression of a betrayed Stormtrooper. Traitor!

The windmill's base creaked in the breeze. The thumps of goats and chickens across stone rattled his mind.

He shut his eyes, blew out a small wisp of air, and rose to a low crouch. Sneaking along the front wall of the shack, he stood at the corner for a split second before shooting his head to the right, hoping to catch somebody off guard as they toiled away at their rock garden and their dumb cactus plants. Nothing but the left side of the house met his gaze. He halted, its texture catching him off-guard. Looking at the corner piece, staring forward, and then looking again, he raised a brow and a hoof, thumping on the surface. He narrowed his eyes as he received a small, hollow thud.

Of course. Fucking adobe.

His vision creating a trail upward across the side of the house, he rolled his eyes as he noticed a brick or two sticking ever so slightly out into the baking sunlight. He involuntarily tugged at the neckline of his sweater. Bad choice of thinking. A lump went down his throat, and so he looked from left to right, got into an attacking stance, and promptly tippy-hoofed across the exterior, meeting the other corner that led to the back wall in less than four seconds. Rising to his hindlegs—and almost tumbling onto the ground in the process—his back became one with the wall in a sweaty, musky display of body-on-surface affection. He craned his neck—as well as strained it—to find a pretty modern-looking barbecue grill and an umbrella-shaded table adjacent it. A grill brush, dangling from a hook by the handle, softly swung in the wind.

Shadowed by the sun, as well as a nice blanket fuck he forgot to bring his Goddammit, was the door that, presumably, led inside the... hopefully-but-probably-not humble abode. There was another window by his head now as he approached said entryway, which he promptly looked in through. Peeling his eyelids, he growled from somewhere down his throat and shoved a hoof against the top of his brow in an effort to get a better field of vision. A couch, a coffee table, an ottoman, a TV... fuck, was he in New Mexico? A brilliant sparkle caught his eyesight from further to the left of the furniture. Rotating his body, he shut his left eye and widened his right, now looking at the small kitchen. The adobe fireplace still burned bright orange from its depths. Stealing a quick glance at the grill revealed that it, too, still had hot coals inside it. He bit his lower lip. He really hoped the house's owners weren't home.

He crept toward the back door and slowly drew it open. Thankfully, as old as it may have been, it didn't cry out a single squeak as he allowed enough space in the doorway to let himself inside. He would have cringed at the sound of his hoof clopping against the threshold were it not for the unmistakable sound of two ponies really going at it from the second floor. He shook his head to dispel his noting of his being unfazed by the notion of two strangers fucking each other above his head. Depending on how long they would last, he deduced he would have enough time to gather what he needed and flee. As he entered the boundaries of the kitchen, his eyes hungrily flew to the oaken island standing in the middle. Crouching down, he threw open the first of many drawers to find the first item on his list.

Something broke from upstairs. The sounds from above halted for a few seconds before starting again.

Fuck. He really hated to admit to himself that he was depending on how long a stallion unknown to him could last in bed. More... time meant more time. More precious, precious time he couldn't spend wasting. Getting his internal hint, he returned to his scavenging and closed the first drawer, then pulled out the second. He had winged which item he was getting first once he had gotten inside, but he was glad it was the first item. The second would be, if the low humming behind him belonged to a fridge, pretty easy to grab. He bore his teeth tightly from underneath his mask, about slamming the current drawer shut in frustration. He opened the third.

And found what he needed. Giving one good look at his unkempt, long black tail and his likewise wild, bramble-encrusted mane, he coiled his hoof around the first item and stowed it into his groin. Closing the drawer with a growing smile, he turned tail and widened his eyes at the silver refrigerator glowing brightly in front of him. Making sure that the two occupants were still occupying, he opened the right door to discover an oasis of ice that crystallized numerous boxes of ice cream and chicken wings– ooh chicken wings why weren't those on his list.

His mind quickly shut the freezer door before he could modify his plans. He opened the actual door this time and immediately spotted a plethora of food. Two gallons of milk stood on the first shelf, their contents swinging on a pendulum from the force of the opening hatch. Below it, requiring a whole shelf to itself, was a pie with what looked to be snails penetrating its surface. The third shelf presented lines of cocaine on a cutting board, bags of methamphetamine stacked by two's, and a single cigarette lying inside a brown napkin. Oh yeah and there were a few bottles of booze underneath them. He wasn't here for any of that, so he stood up on his tippy-hooves and parted the two milk jugs to find exactly the jar he wanted.

Holding it out in front of him, he remained this way for quite some time, just... standing there, cradling and admiring the glass jar of his wettest dreams as two aggressive ponies smashed audibly atop him.

He rock-a-bye-baby'd the fuck out of the thing, quietly holstered it in his dickhole, and fled the building, not even caring about the sound of the door slamming against the outside wall. He was home free, and it was time to set up camp so he could get some rest. Tomorrow would be a great day, and he couldn't miss it.

As his hooves piffed and puffed against the loose sand, the stallion looked upward to gaze longingly at the sun, and the white clouds, and the blue, blue sky.

Oh, what a day.

What a lovely, lovely day.

Fire And Blood

Water. His itchy, dry-ass throat ached for it dangerously, having not been met with the welcome blessing of it for weeks. He'd, somehow and surprisingly to himself, saved a few cans of eCola and Pißwasser in his inventory to use for later. Though it was hard to completely pass up restoring his health and instead opt on saving up on healing items, the admittedly... shitty taste of both beverages served to goad him along just fine. He still wished he'd gotten his Egochasers and P's and Q's before being chased out of his cave by those fucking buffalo bitches. They were most likely long gone by now—eaten by those bitches—but at the very least he could still heal himself in a pinch if he really needed to. He could handle the taste. Its restorative effects were more needed than a bad feeling on his cracked tongue.

Thinking of the long-unused muscle in his mouth caused him to suddenly cast his blue eyes downward, the binoculars in his gauze-covered hooves lowering as his attention drew elsewhere. Going cross-eyed a bit, he hummed to himself and lightly stuck his tongue out, prodding the inside of his mask curiously. Catching a few telltale hints of blood, gunpowder, and what he assumed to be remnants of piss, he quickly shut his mouth back up and cringed at the contact. Fucking disgusting. Gunpowder tasted fucking horrible.

He shook his head dismissively, the now long black mane of hair on his head flinging about and whipping his ears like some kind of rabid animal. Raising his binoculars back up to his eyes, he rotated the windage adjustment, heard the nice little clicks that confirmed his action, and stared down the lenses once more. It had been a few days since he had infiltrated that last couple's house to steal their food, the baa-ing of goats and the swinging of windmills calling back to him like a Vietnam flashback. Whisperings of Kennedy's assassination and the caliber of Oswald's Carcano rifle bit at his eardrums, but he growled to himself from down his garbled throat and stowed himself.

This was just the way it was, and he accepted it. No... other real way to go about scanning adobe houses and wooden shacks with their frolicking ponies and their burning barbecue grills than sitting up on a hill twenty or so yards away out of sight and out of mind. If he saw anything that looked promising, he'd sneak in while they were asleep or make a distraction to get them elsewhere. It'd become a bit of a routine now; scan building, look for water and food in that order, sneak in, grab shit, and book it. Most of the time it was easy, but other times it was not. He'd learned to scavenge ammo and not waste it as soon as his Zentorno first crashed into that bush, and he hated to admit that he was proud to have not killed any innocent pony folk while out in this goddamn arid wasteland.

Though the rules didn't change—as much as he wished they would—the small building he was currently scouting out was neither an adobe house or a wooden shack.

It was a wooden house, a combination of the two, with a nice oak roof, a puffing chimney stack, and orange-blasted walls, most likely courtesy of the blazing sun still high in the sky.

What ingenuity.

There were five ponies relaxing down in the backyard, where he had set up his moment of reconnaissance. Though there could easily be more inside the house, he told and nagged himself that they would've come outside by now to join in on the obvious party taking place by the pool. Two of them were foals—one colt about eight and an angsty-looking filly about fourteen. The latter was hopping about the floor, speaking to what looked to be an old stallion in his sixties, with a big bushy beard and a straw hat. Hovering next to the elder was a glass, its contents unable to be completely figured out from the distance he was at. Good. Probably an alcoholic. Made it easier for scavenging. Adjusting his position and maneuvering his wings slightly, the Pegasus turned his attention elsewhere and looked at the last two individuals currently sitting in folded-back lawn chairs to the side. Holding hooves, they smiled at one another and listened to the elder as he presumably spoke about dumb bullshit like ribbon candy.

It took all of his manpower to not vomit or cringe on the spot. The least he did to react to his disgusting thought was move away from his taped-together rifle scopes, a dumb look on his face that told compelling tales of hurling and illnesses. Again, he shook his head. No time to fuck around. This house would be easy to go through if those ponies were distracted. As long as he didn't knock over a plate or take a loud shit in their toilet, he could get in and out unscathed and unnoticed. He suddenly shook his left hindleg absent-mindedly. He kind of needed to take a shit, now that he thought about it. If he couldn't make it to their bathroom, he'd have to take a shovel with him if he could find one. He'd totally be all up for just dumping on the ground and walking off, but the very idea of those buffalo suddenly appearing behind him once he turned away kept him from doing so.

He adjusted the blanket below him, groaning at the bits of sand that slid onto the stitched surface as he did so. He still hadn't really gotten used to the sensation of it yet, despite the fact that he'd rolled around in it countless times already in the past weeks or so. Even in Los Santos, he'd at least had shoes on and protection from actually touching the shit. Rashes and bleeding wounds had turned his avoidance of the substance up even higher than before. Watching as the ponies below continued to lounge by their pool, he rose to his hooves, took one last naked-eye look, and clipped his binoculars to his side.

Though he'd ignored the dark gray clouds above him expelling drops of rain and arcs of lightning before, he cursed inwardly and reminded himself that it would be an issue now. Hopefully he wouldn't get too soaked by the time he got down there. Sand and water didn't really mix, especially when it regarded his blue skin or his tattered cloak. A large explosion erupted from above. Looking to his right, he found the bolt of thunder crash down into a large pile of bushes, firmly setting them ablaze. Bending over, he reached for his Marksman Rifle and grabbed hold of it. Holding the weapon in his right hoof, he quickly retrieved his blanket and rolled it up with the other, placing it on his side once he was done.

A few cantering steps toward the incline of the hill later, he suddenly stopped and narrowed his eyes.

Grasping his rifle in both hooves now, he pressed his cheek against the stock and peered down the scope. Wobbling about slightly, he made loopy trails upward, leftward, and rightward until he once again spotted the house he was about to raid. The five ponies were still happily conversing, unaware of what was about to occur to their beings. He remained, watching them for five more seconds, before deciding that he would lower his gun and head in. His last sight being the elder sitting in front of the back wall, drink in hoof now, he groaned heavily until he heard a loud crack shoot through the air.

His breath caught in his throat as he raised the gun once more.

The elder stallion slumped against the wall, his entire head now smothered red against the wall he'd previously stood next to.

Dead.

The other ponies, having witnessed this, were scurrying about in obvious panic and dangerous fright. Screams of absolute terror echoed through the area, coming from whom he assumed to be the foals and the wife as they took cover and reached toward the elder pony.

Someone had done this, and they were nearby. Turning his head, he turned back around and fell to the ground in his previous spot, the sand and dirt flying into the air at the contact. Throwing his left hoof toward the end of the barrel from underneath the foregrip, he felt the bespoke bipod fling out and stab into the earth by his hooves. He tilted his head to look down the scope once more, gritting his teeth and straining a few muscles as he crushed his cheek against the side of the synthetic stock.

Swiveling his gun to the right a ways, he narrowed his opened eye and hissed.

About twelve ponies were sprinting toward the house, spears, crossbows, sticks, and swords protruding from their mouths, propped under their wings, or hovering in their magic auras. With devilish grins on their faces and crazed looks in their eyes, they practically flew across the desert terrain as their scrap-looking clothing rustled in the low wind fiercely greeting them as they went. He put two and two together. Bandits, and lots of them. Counting four Pegasi, three Earth Ponies, and five Unicorns in the group, he pulled the lever back on the side of his rifle, heard it click in place, and sucked in a quick breath.

He lined up his crosshairs on the leading pony's—a Pegasus'—head, and pulled the trigger.

The bandit went down without a sound, rolling around in the dirt and spraying a torrent of it upward that blinded the two ponies immediately behind his now dead corpse. Lining up another shot, he fired again and watched as the following Earth Pony's head flew backward from the new red hole in his eye. The third pony in line, rubbing at her eyes vigorously so she could continue her escapade, stomped on the floor and received a bullet to her Unicorn brain. He smiled. Three down, including what looked to be the leader. One shot each, so he had five rounds left in his Marksman Rifle. He cursed, realizing he'd have to reload at some point before they were all collectively burning in Hell.

His rifle barked as his scope lay over a Unicorn's head, but the bandit pony quickly fell to the floor with the rest of his friends behind a small dip in the sand, out of sight of the sniper trying to swiftly end their lives for the betterment of ponykind. He cursed as he got up to try and get a better view, doing so once again as the only sight he got on them was a few inches of their tails. He fired a shot anyway, one pony in particular suddenly flinching as their red tail found a new, large hole embedded in it. From what he could see, they were still approaching the house at a slow pace, but completely out of his line of fire.

He holstered his rifle on his back quickly, then frowned to himself as firmly as he could muster. There was only one real way to get down there as fast as he could, and he didn't like it one bit. Looking to his sides, he gave a short sigh and blinked.

His blue wings suddenly jutted outward like some kind of Space Ranger. Flexing them, he turned his head back toward the house, studied it for a split second, and nodded to nobody but himself. Taking a few steps back, he sprinted toward the ledge and stuck his forelegs out ahead of him, expecting a quick flight to the ground that would end in broken bones and dead ponies. Instead, miraculously, he felt gusts of wind flow from under his wings, efficiently guiding him toward the establishment. The rush of cold wind blew across his face, finding its way across the surface and stabbing at him through the various holes in his beloved mask. In the span of two seconds, he touched down on the sand and promptly thunked his head on the wall surrounding the house.

Dispelling the thousands of stars dancing in his vision, he shot his eyes upward and looked at the top of the adobe fence.

Fucking adobe.

How had he not noticed that before.

Jumping, he caught the lip of the wall and grunted, crawling upward with the effort of a small, dumb child.

At last, he vaulted over the top of it, receiving a few shouts as he got within eyesight of the scared ponies hiding within. His cloak fluttering in the wind, he hit the ground hard, tucked, and rolled, hoping that he wouldn't hit the mare currently gasping at his arrival. Successfully landing on his four hooves, he Tokyo Drifted and placed his ass-end against the ponies who now clip-clopped backward and toward the house. Craning his neck, he bit down on his Marksman Rifle and threw it into the air, hoisting himself back onto his hindlegs and catching the rifle as it descended back to the earth. Cocking the lever on his weapon back once more, he aimed it at the wall and awaited the bandits.

"Get inside," he finally spoke, apparently startling the ponies if their faltering steps on the floor were any indication, "they're comin' for me, not you."

He hoped they wouldn't realize that he was lying.

Move And Die

Delirious' long days back in sunny Los Santos usually consisted of nothing but hanging out with his friends, trying out new things to do and generally enjoying one another's company. Sailing through the air in a bright yellow bus thanks to a faulty-wired mansion gate; soaring across the city on an upside-down bicycle; creating a flying V of Titans that terrorized the populace and almost got the local military on their assholes; simply patrolling the island and taking out random people stupid enough to step out of their houses and try living their lives, swiftly taken by some dickhead in a paper bag, or some redneck with a pig mask, or some Canadian with an owl mask, or some kid with a monkey mask, or some cheeseburger-loving guy in a hockey mask. His days were packed, and his days were full, and Delirious had never had a lot of time for himself back then.

What time he did have, however, he spent it not on hookers, or guns, or clothes, or cars.

No.

Delirious loved to dance.

The Bahama Mama's, just down the street from Vespucci Beach with its jetskiing and circling ATV's. Tequi-la-la, the site of firefights with guns housing only one bullet and hatchets swinging wildly through the musky air of sweat, sex, and booze. Even the Vanilla Unicorn, the place of loneliness and lap bouncing, was a frequent spot of his, even though it was to the staff's complete, utter chagrin and would eventually lead to his ban from the club for an indefinite amount of time. There was something, most likely unconfirmed and completely stupid, that he loved about it all.

He had danced with a lot of girls in his time at those nightclubs, many of whom eventually found themselves getting lucky...

...enough to walk away unscathed and virtually untouched by the drunk blue psycho still letting it all loose on the brightly lit dance floor. This extended to the Vanilla Unicorn, where instead of a brightly lit dance floor, it was the sole stripper pole standing in the middle of the main floor, with lusty guys wanting nothing but girls and girls'. He had made a lot of money that night. Turns out the Vanilla Unicorn was also a place for sexually questioning young (or old) guys, and most of the time led to some... homoerotic times.

The Tango. Salsa. The Cha Cha. Line Dancing. Jazz Hands. Freakout. He had danced them all, and had completely made an absolute fool out of himself every single god damn fucking time. Nights were long, nights were fun, and nights were unforgettable. He was the life of the party, and the ender of the lives of the party. He was the spinning top at a Bar Mitzvah, or the burly tank rolling into Poland. He was the single straight guy on an Olympic ice-skating team. He was the Belle of the ball, one who could cut you into bloody ribbons and shoot you down a garbage chute in a matter of agonizing seconds. He was the motherfucking cum stain you find behind the couch after you move into a new house. He was the Insurgent, rolling down the streets and obliterating any motorcyclists wishing for a quick spin around the block.

He was H2O Delirious, king of kings and king of queens, and he loved to dance.

With his friends. With random bitches. Even with death itself, found by either the drinks at the nearby bar, or the asshole most likely waiting outside with Sticky Bombs on the door and his RPG pointed at the front steps.

He'd danced with many, but none could come close to the atrocity his current partners were displaying.

They scrambled over the wall like Droidd's family, their spears, their crossbows, their sticks, and their swords grasped in their dirty, dirty hooves or their bright magical auras. The first one, a bright green mare, had been doing a rather bloody waltz with him for the past couple of minutes, as she was the ballsy enough pony to vault over the wall before everyone else. The whistle she had whistled ten or so seconds ago had most likely been a call for help. With her spear dancing wildly through the air, she appeared to be struggling a bit in keeping step with him. That was okay. Everyone had a bit of a hard time their first time.

The spearhead soared over his head as he threw himself to the floor, eyes glaring upward as the mare gasped in shock. Throwing a hoof up, he caught the Earth Pony on the lower jaw, heard a deafening snap, and watched as she sailed a bit to his left. Her body crumpled onto the floor and bounced twice, her head having connected first as she landed into the large pool usually recommended for swimming and not floating as she. The waves of the water splashed upward, creating a thunderous burst of applause that startled the next two ponies that made it over the adobe fence.

They skittered backward, not fully understanding what it was until the Earth Pony on the left received a spear through his head, one that went clean through and tacked him to the now horribly disfigured wall behind him. The other, a Pegasus, attempted to flee back over the wall. A bullet, embedded in his ass, forced him to fall back to the wet dirt and comically slide down the adobe with a humorous squealing noise. His butt slammed against the earth, and another bullet went into his head. Delirious took a second to smirk.

This second was horribly wasted. Delirious spun just in time to see the arrow whiz through the air and feel it puncture his side. The effect was instant; stumbling to his left, he grit his teeth and felt for the wound wildly. Dirty hooves became bloody ones as the cruor spread across his body and drizzled to the floor. How fucking hard could it be to find a thirty inch long shaft stabbing into his hip?

He chuckled. Nogla would probably know.

There. Thinking quickly, he brought his hoof an inch or so above it and promptly slammed it downward, snapping it in two. Hearing it clatter on the ground, Delirious spun and found the crossbow culprit trying his best to hurry over the fence before he was seen. Obviously to no avail, his eyes went wide and he bent over to reload. A raise of his rifle and he'd be down– oh hello! He fell to the floor and headbutted the air above him, bouncing the pony who had tried to flank him into the air like he was a trampoline. A raise of his– oh, you too? He stepped back, the gauze around his tired hooves becoming damp with blood and pool water as the two ponies glared daggers at him and held weapons his way. He heard the sound of the crossbow cunt plodding through the puddles and grit his teeth. His blue eyes didn't even move when the last three ponies vaulted over and joined their friends.

He hoped that the family had fled far back into their house.

He didn't want the kids to turn the corner to find what would be left of these ponies.

Two Pegasi. Four Unicorns. All versus him, with his tattered cloak and almost empty rifle. He crouched low and growled at them, his head turning this way and that whenever a bandit attempted to move forward. They were at a stalemate, and both parties knew it. Only one really knew how to deal with it, and it sure as hell wasn't going to end up very attractive. He could very easily scare them off with something, but where would the fun be in that?

"You killed our friends."

He raised a brow. They can talk?

"You killed our friends!"

He hissed, sizing them up. "I killed your bandits."

The ponies suddenly flinched and tensed. He popped his neck.

Time for a particularly chunky Salsa.

The first one came in on his right, stabbing his sword forward as if compensating for his most likely very minuscule penis. Delirious hopped up, landing on the blade of the weapon and swiping his hoof across the Pegasus' face as he dropped the sword. He shot his left hindleg outward, delicately creaming the flanking Unicorn in the face and smiling as a soothing crunch shattered his ears. The bandit's body's impact with the hard earth echoing across the backyard, Delirious threw himself to the ground and rolled out of the way of the arrows that sank into the unfortunately positioned sword wielder's brain. The culprits, not pausing to reload like last time, chucked their weapons at him like two opposing soldiers in World War II. Completely appalled that they would do something so ridiculously stupid, Delirious flinched and grit his teeth as the firearms whipped past his head. Cracking open an eyelid, he barely had time to shout in pure frustration as both crossbowponies charged him as one, tackling him to the ground and beginning to throw punches.

Though hooves were hard things, and skulls were especially hard things, Delirious decided that he didn't fucking care. With his cloaked back pressed against the wet dirt, he bore his teeth and threw his head upward, a loud clunk sounding out from the Unicorn's chin region. Thanking his lovely, iconic mask for saving his life once more, Delirious took the time that his other opponent had used to widen his eyes in fear to reel his arm back and shove it forward with all his might. His hoof sank into the Pegasus' gut, eliciting a loud gasp as it began its process of collapsing lungs and popping stomach holes. Rushing to all four of his hooves, Delirious opened the right side of his mouth and quietly growled.

His hooves flew to his side, and out came his wondrous machete.

Its intended target—the still stumbling Unicorn with a most likely broken jawbone—was changed to the Pegasus now rushing him from his immediate left. Delirious simply stepped back, tossed the machete upward, caught it in his right foreleg, and slashed the approaching bandit's way.

The Pegasus' body instantly collapsed into the floor, first lying on its stomach and then tipping over until it rested peacefully, and bloodily.

The rest of the body—namely the head—thumped onto the ground next to it, splashing blood around like a Jackson Pollock piece.

The result was prompt. One of the remaining Unicorns, completely unscathed, leaned his head back, shut his eyes, opened his mouth, and screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

This absolutely momentous display of bravery was accompanied by a flurry of shitting pants, tucked tails, flapping clothing, wall vaulting, thudding sand, and clip-clopping hooves.

Delirious took the time to smirk, crack a shit-eating grin, and twirl his machete on his hoof. Holding it once more once he was totally satisfied he had looked cool and badass enough, he whipped his leg downward and flung the blood and grime onto the floor, sheathing it on the holster on his side after he was done. He cleared his throat lightly, tasting sand and iron as he began to lightly trod through the pools of blood and other assorted bodily fluids littering the backyard. Splishes and splashes came to him, like he was fucking around in a rainstorm with his bright ass yellow boots and coat.

Walking over to the wall that the rest of the bandits had fled over, he threw his wings open and fluttered into the air, perching himself atop the adobe like a bird. Stretching his foreleg to his back, he unclasped his Marksman Rifle and grasped it as tightly as he could. Raising the scope to eye level, he stuck his tongue out, prodded the inside of his mask, recoiled in disgust at the horrible taste he was met with, and refocused his attention just in time to find the fleeing bandits trying to scramble over the top of a hill.

He sucked in a breath and quietly placed his hoof over the trigger.

His rifle barked. A spraying of sand in his sights, and a rolling body now connected with its god in a new, holey way.

Easy shots. The last two were in too much of a dead stupor to so much as move anymore. Their wide-open mouths and pinprick-sized eyes were the last things they ever did on this world.

Delirious stopped to survey the area, raising his rifle in one hoof and ignoring the smoke that sizzled from its barrel. Eyes peeled, he frowned to nobody but himself and silently hummed.

The sound of a glass door sliding open came to him quickly. Though he knew who it was, he spun around on top of the wall and still aimed his gun all the same.

The family of ponies stood at the back door of the backyard, their eyes full of terror and tears. The stallion in front, a double barrel shotgun in his two hooves, tried his hardest to not join his wife and children in unsteadily shaking in fear, but to no avail. The mare, a pistol in her hooves as well, stood behind him, a frown on her lips playing at an attempt of bravery. The two children, a colt and a young mare, hid behind their parents' shadows, lips wobbly. The colt held onto a large brown object that caused Delirious to stop dead in his tracks.

"There's nothing in here worth dying for, you murderer!"

Delirious waggled his eyebrows, recomposing himself. The stallion seemed to be trying to threaten him.

"Just–" the mare joined in, raising her pistol at him from next to her husband, "–leave us alone!"

Delirious sucked in a large intake of air, his stomach rising to Hindenburg proportions. Slowly letting it out, he turned himself a little more and readjusted his position on the wall, allowing his hindlegs to dangle like he was a kid on the edge of his race car bed. His Marksman Rifle lightly settling on his lap, he placed both his hooves on either side of it and threw an eyebrow toward the sky.

"Put the guns down."

The shotgun faltered. As did the pistol. They remained up.

"You shot Uncle Pancakes!"

His heart throbbed. The young mare was the one who had shouted just then.

"You killed those bandits just so you could take the loot yourself!"

The stallion, now. Delirious wished he'd shut the fuck up. With a rolling of his eyes, he grasped his rifle with a hoof and hopped off the wall. Landing, he stumbled forward and was met with the stabbing-forward of two firearms from presumably inexperienced idiots.

"Not another step!"

Delirious raised his rifle up, cocked the lever on its side back toward his face, and aimed it at the husband and wife.

Eyes wide, they dropped their weapons, which clattered on the floor.

"Now, here's what gonna happen, bitches." Delirious stalked over slowly, keeping his sights on the two charges as he stuck a hoof out and swept their weapons toward the pool about five feet away. "I'm only gonna ask for one thing–"

"We have nothing to give!" cried the mare, now seemingly on the verge of hysterics.

"Yeah," Delirious replied, "you do."

The husband lowered himself into a crouching position, eyes narrowed and posture ready to pounce. "And what would that be?"

"Do you want food? Or water?" The mare asked, nodding her head vigorously. "We have a lot of that!"

"Give me that teddy bear," the stallion barked, the dirt-crusted and mildly chipped rifle aiming shakily her way.

Author's Note

That Poland Invasion joke felt really out of taste. My bad. :rainbowlaugh:

Also sorry if this chapter is a little not great either. I've mostly been caught up in schoolwork lately.

It Takes Time

He was swimming. He had been in nothing but a pitch black void for who knew how long, and there was nothing to be seen, there was nothing to be felt, and there was nothing to be heard in the deep deep abyss. For the longest time he was falling, through air he didn't know, but he was falling and falling and there was no way he could get back up to wherever it was that he had come from. He had to have come from somewhere, it wasn't like even the darkness harbored no point of return. But then again, he had been falling for the longest time and now here he was, swimming in a massive ocean as blue as a cloudless sky. The darkness that plagued him suddenly paved way and folded inwardly, replaced by a oceanic scene that reminded him of postcards from the Bah-humbugs, ones that beckoned him to their borders so he could enjoy pleasant sun and warm air.

Here he was, swimming to absolutely nothing from absolutely nothing. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever. It was impossible, even, to think that the darkness he had been falling through had been harboring such a tropical scene behind itself, waiting for him to approach it and shake hooves as if they and him were long-term buddies from school. His coat of fur was soaked beyond recognition by color, now a deep crimson red than a straight one, joining his raggy mane as a wet duo that whipped at his eyes and clung to his bare skin. His dad had always told him how to swim, and here he was perfectly mimicking all those lessons he had been taught. Hindlegs kicking idly, forelegs kicking wildly. Staying afloat was more important than moving, he'd always been taught, and now here he was first trying to remember where he was, and second figuring out just where next to go. There was the sun above his head that he could use, and he'd just have to wait for it to move from its position straight up in the sky so he could tell where was east and where was west. Maybe if he swam enough, he'd make it back to Equestria and have the longest sleep he'd ever had.

Then again, Equestria was where family was, and his family currently hated his guts. Why else was he here in this ocean and not with them? Celestia was real, as was Luna, and their godly powers could manipulate anything from the sun and the moon to the dreams of their little ponies under their rule. Friendship and family were key in this world he lived in, and maybe the two princesses saw fit to allow the two parts of the family some breathing room so they could amend their fence later in the future. Now wasn't a good time, seeing as how he was swimming. He silently thanked Celestia and Luna—despite their keeping him away from his family—that his yoke was back at home and not around his neck. If it were, he was sure he would've drowned by now.

He needed to work. Day and night, it's all he ever did, and all because it's all he was ever raised to do. His work was his life, and he was the only one who could rightly do it. No one else in his family could do it, because none of them had the strength that he did. None of them could do as he did, and that was okay with him. He liked being useful; everypony had their own part to play in his work, and his was the most important, which meant that he should either be out there doing it right now or he should be sleeping so he could wake up and be out there, yet here he was swimming in an endless ocean of shimmering blue. The sound of waves crashing against each other roared at him from all around, sometimes displaying said noise directly on his figure, causing him to flick his chin up high and suck in a large breath just in case. If where he was was anywhere he could be, he definitely didn't want to go. Maybe this was his punishment. Maybe he had finally crossed the line of being an ass to his family. Maybe Celestia and Luna conspired with the God of Chaos himself to send him out on a journey he didn't know he was on.

He looked up, still swimming, to see that the sun hadn't moved. Teeth rattled; it was cold as all hell. He always suspected that the waters down near the equator were much warmer than their northerly and southerly kin, but here he was, proven dead wrong and suffering for it. He was wrong. He had to be. He had judged and he had insulted with little more than assumptions to fuel his heavy snarl and spitting muzzle. He was still swimming, and he was wrong. So wrong, in fact, that he suddenly realized that he was no longer swimming in an ocean. He was still swimming, but not in an ocean. Not one that he could see at least. His eyes flicked upward and fanned around. The sky had disappeared, and the sun and clouds with it. He was simply swimming in nothing.

He was back in the darkness, now. But he wasn't falling this time. Maybe something had changed. Maybe something new would happen. He'd been falling for a long time and only recently had hit that ocean, and maybe he had shifted the cycle more in his favor. His hooves came up into sight and disappeared back into basic non-existence as they went back down again. His body began to get tossed more and more to its left and right, the waves grew in number, size, and frequency. They ascended and descended; some smacked directly into him, others passed by him unconcernedly. He flicked his chin upward and sucked in a breath a lot more now, he noticed. Something was definitely happening now. Something was changing.

His movement of his four hooves grew more erratic. Something inside of him changed. He knew something would, and it was his own body. Something gripped him slowly, working its way from the tips of his hooves and traveling up his legs, solidifying in the pit of his gut and spreading across his innards. His throat was soon met with the sudden plague; it became dry, a dry so bare he couldn't satisfy it by simply gulping down his own phlegm. He didn't want to do it, but he had no other option, and dipped his head to lap at the water surrounding and crashing his body around. He shot his head upward and swallowed hard. Still nothing, but perhaps he was getting somewhere. The salt of the nothing ocean felt like acid down his throat, but he continued his action maniacally in the realization that he was definitely beginning to feel better. The color in his hooves and hair began to darken, more so than they had upon contacting the water he was paddling through until they were simply no more. He was still there, all four hooves with a body, head, and brain, but there was no possible way to see what was him on the outside. He was left to be content with just knowing that he was present.

He dipped his head under the water once more, and lifted it to the usual height he had grown accustomed to to reach fresh air. Instead, he was met with more ocean. This puzzled him incredibly, but it was no big deal. He kicked downward like a squid, rising upward. Looking straight up, he tried his hardest not to breathe in through his nostrils and gasped for air once he breached the surface of the nothing. The area around him wasn't present, not like he, but he felt something different. Another change. Something was here this time. Someone. He couldn't quite place it, but something else was here with him. He couldn't exactly tell what, but he knew it in his heart. He narrowed his eyes. Maybe it was the help that he needed to get back to Equestria. Maybe his time was up.

Those were wings. His eyes grew wide, though he knew he couldn't see them. Those were wings though, something had definitely just moved nearby. He wasn't sure how high up it was, but he knew it was there. He looked up and down. Maybe he'd be able to see it if he tried hard enough. He'd always been told that trying was what got you places. Trying was an admirable thing that was constantly rewarded. Trying got him through school so he could help his family. Trying was what he did at his job, necktie on his neck and papers in his board. Trying was what he did for his family. Trying got him fired. So he tried. And he tried, and his green eyes couldn't get any narrower. There had to be a way to see it. Those unmistakable wings. His rescue.

There they were again. Closer this time. There was a noise that accompanied it, something like a low whoosh. Whatever was flying, it was going fast. Peculiarly fast, in fact. Incredibly fast. It was probably the fastest thing alive, and yet here it was wasting its time trying to help him from the nothing he was swimming in. He had to get its attention, because he knew sure as rain that the waves around him were loud enough to wash out any decibel he could yell in and any kind of pattern he could hit. There had to be a way, and so the thinking began. The waves suddenly stopped five seconds into his thoughts, however. They were still there, no, they were just quiet now. Silent. Something else was changing. He swore he heard a gust of wind sweep through the air, but he hadn't seen anything to prove it. No swaying of trees, no whipping of hair. It was dead quiet, and here he was, swimming.

He hadn't noticed the hoof on his shoulder until it had pressed down against his weight, shoving him underneath the water of nothing that he was prior swimming through. There had been one hoof, one measly little hoof that he could easily push away with his raw strength and swim back up for air that he began to feel he needed. He looked up to find his attacker but couldn't see anything past nothing. There had been one, until another had joined it on the opposite shoulder. Both began to push harder, more resiliently than when there had just been the one. This was now becoming an issue, and the air in his lungs was beginning to dwindle more and more. He could just swim down and pedal somewhere else, away from the two hooves that were now plunging him deeper and deeper.

Another hoof snaked in from underneath him, further into the abyss, and coiled around his hindlegs. At this, he let out a gasp of shock and took in the first mouthful of water from the sea. He realized what he had done, and shut his mouth as tightly as he could to begin squeezing the water out the corners of his lips. Maybe then he could get more air. He needed it now, desperately. Once he had enough, then he could start fighting back and maybe get some oxygen in his lungs. Whatever was in his gut began to increase. Sweat began to pour down his forehead, mixing with the salt and bubbling up to the surface with his failed attempts at moving and breathing. He felt another hoof wrap around his other hindleg, and it as well began to yank him downward to join their sources.

He was now immobile, and this realization caused him to open his mouth and scream. Maybe if he could get in little bursts of air from his bubbles, he could find a way out of this. His bubbles were miniature, numerous, and not as optimal for him as he thought they would have been. Big gulps maybe. There had to be some kind of loophole he could manipulate. He opened his mouth and breathed in, then purged it and realized he was losing breath. It was like inflating balloons. His cheeks grew sore and began to brighten, which he felt since he couldn't see it. The hooves above suddenly let go, and he took this opportunity to try swimming up. He could barely see through the darkness, and tilted his head upward to find that the edges of his vision were beginning to fade in kind. Maybe if he could get up there he would...

There were two faces now.

There were two faces staring him down, their faces betraying their actions as they simply sat above him and stared.

One of orange and freckles. Another of rainbow hair and magenta eyes.

Their hooves flew back to his body, and pushed down on his head.

He flailed uselessly, thrashing about and creating waves underneath that reverberated and pulsed and elongated before his unseeing eyes. He opened his mouth to scream, and more water flooded his mouth. The hooves around his hindlegs tightened, now burning and yanking harder. His lungs felt constricted as the feeling in his gut finally reached his heart.

He was scared.

And here he was, trying to swim.

Something was beeping, steadily. Quietly. Cautiously. Voices were speaking, far off in the distance.

He tried to grasp at them, but in the deep, dark ocean, there was no where to go but down.

The Long Haul

A map. That's what he needed the most. A scrap of paper with sloppy penmanship, an official document with topography, a bunch of fucking lines on the back of a 7/11 receipt for fuck's sake! It didn't matter. Delirious needed a map, and he needed one now. He'd been in the Badlands for who knew how long; if he used the mountains, hills, and the sun to his advantage, he could figure out exactly where he was, how far away civilization was, and where he could head to next. It would be a long haul, no matter the length, seeing as how the sun high above beat at his body and the cacti provided no real sustenance with their dick shaped figures practically twenty-four-seven. The weight on his back and the rocks deep in his gut were enough to slow him down anyhow. What he needed was a route. Through a tunnel, or an overpass, or through the cloud layer that floated like parted lilypads over his head in their scarcity.

Delirious needed a map.

This he realized really all too late. If he had figured this fact out much sooner—maybe even the first day he had crashed his Zentorno and killed those assholes—he could have made it back to his friends and gone off on their merry way. He could have easily journeyed back to Ponyville with his clothes on his body and his weapons in his scrotum, where he was sure that happy smiles and warm hugs would be ready for him, along with a long party and a familiar freckled face that was all too capable of implying the worst possible things. He could have done so if he had remembered, but he hadn't, and had only just done so as he was trotting through what he believed to be a dry lake bed, one that had once lay next to a large rock mountain all blue and wet, only for a landslide and the arid weather to fuck it up completely. Twists and turns, from the former, delayed his usual arrival back at his campsite he presumed to be still a few miles away, coupled with the latter that mixed in a horrible kind of stale element with the absolutely freezing temperature of the night.

He wouldn't usually be out at this late time of day, the very idea of the cold itself warding him from dawdling too long out in the shrinking desert sun. He knew what could easily happen to him if he remained out above ground for too long past seven. Violent shakes and hypothermia weren't things he really wanted on his list of preferences. He knew the stories of frostbite and the like; he knew how bad things could very simply become. He couldn't exactly blame himself, however. Today had been an honestly amazing day for him in terms of procurement. Tucked in his stolen saddlebags were small sacks of berries he'd picked from the nearby dubbed Shithole Rock, with its single large tree atop it and the looped rope hanging from its highest branch, the long decomposed body now lying buried beneath three feet of sand and bushes. A mangled bird, its neck sliced open like it were a goddamn victim of the Italian Mafia, bounced along his hip by the rope coiling around its relatively sound body. Though its left wing had been torn clean off by the rifle round Delirious had fired into it, it still had enough meat on its frame to sustain him for the night. He was a little disappointed he couldn't try out vulture wings as he'd been looking forward to, but the small Mindlirious in his head told him to shuch up and be a man.

He was, unfortunately, a small blue pony with wings, but the thought was all the same. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd been made a Pegasus, but he did like the benefit of being able to fly whenever he so felt like it. If he were particularly good at it, he imagined, he could quickly fly up onto a cloud and let it take him wherever the wind wanted it to. He had learned a little bit about flying while he was out here, and had even began teaching himself a few tricks from the caravans and bandits he'd spotted, but it usually led to flurries of curses and insults directed at the nearby ficus he'd stolen from that adobe shack a few miles east. Delirious' remembrance caused him to turn his head to the right, his eyes directly coming into contact with the head of the other bird he'd killed. He would've screamed, but the tiredness in his step and the fatigue in his eyes caused him to simply crane his neck back and widen his eyes, then narrow them before he quickly looked past the dead corpse.

Pursing his lips, he flattened his ears against his head and unfolded his right wing. He watched as it first shot through the middle fold of his cloak, then flung the top layer upward to allow room for its magnificence to shine. Or, well, the magnificence it would shine if it bore anymore, or really in the first place at all. It was a horrid sight to look at, with some of his primaries missing, crooked, or halved off. A few of his secondaries were stained with sweat, a consequence of his folding them by his armpits. His outer vane—he believed it was called—was bent in a few odd places and scarred beyond belief. A few patches of dried blood were caked on and around them. He had to admit that he'd used a few of his feathers to write shit here and there, usually warnings or penises or chocolate penises, but seeing his wings now really made him realize that he needed some well-deserved rest.

He hadn't finished his lessons back in Ponyville. With Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo.

He didn't really know how to fly anyway.

Delirious needed to get back home. Home, as it was to him, was nothing but a simple tree next to a tall, wide, sand-colored rock, where the tree provided shade and the rock provided cover. A lovely tag team, the loveliest he could hope for in the desert in case of any attempted raids or ambushes. He hadn't yet woken up to the sound of a crossbow cocking or a pony speaking stupidity to him, but he had to put emphasis on the "yet" and remember that some of these ponies were fucking crazy. He didn't really understand it, to be honest. How could these random ponies, out here on their lonesomes, succumb to bloodshed and de-evolve into monsters? It was like an entirely different, completely, utterly, and undeniably separate from the rest of its Equine brethren, where there was no law and everything quickly became nothing to everyone and everything.

He folded his wing back, realizing that it was forcing the dead vulture on his right to squeeze against his neck in an admittedly uncomfortable position. He didn't exactly look forward to getting his own neck grease and sweat on his catch for the day. He thanked the millions of people following his exploits that the left game was mostly okay still. Something to look forward to, at least. Coming back to, he let out a short cough from deep, deep down in his stomach and hopped over a thick log, it having most likely collapsed from the recent thunderstorm that had come a few days prior and had gone as fast as it had arrived. His four bandaged hooves elicited muffled clips and clops as he rebounded back onto the cold rock below him, helping his descent as it led a path down toward ground level. He weaved in and out through the sand and hardened earth, grumbling every now and then whenever the path before him went so much as a single inch back up to where he'd come from.

He needed to get home, and with the moon high up in the sky, wolves and lizards were sure to come out any second now. Something about the lunar object stirred something inside them, waking up something fierce, something animalistic, something brutal, that had to be let out and tested out on something, anything it could gets its hands on. Wandering ponies, bandits, home owners, meth cooks. They wouldn't care, and they would find and feast on whatever it was they chose to satiate the growing inside them.

...

No wait, that was his stomach. Something inside of him was growling, pretty fucking violently too. He was hungry.

A smile crested upon his lips, but he squashed it down a second later. If he dwelled on it, it would just get worse. Like a mosquito bite. Or talking to Nogla. Or playing that hockey game with Vanoss. Or playing with Nogla. Or Nogla.

Delirious swore he felt the taste of potatoes on his tongue. The very essence of there possibly being potatoes caused him to involuntarily salivate. Oh god what he wouldn't do for a few fries right now.

He about tripped over a rock, and was thankful to have noticed it before he could so. He was less thankful, however, when his ears shot as he noticed what had caused him to snap out of his thoughts and notice it. A voice, unlike the ones he'd usually speak to from within the confines of his head. One was distinctly female, a little high-pitched, while the other was a gentle male one, like butter against a bare baby's asshole. Noticing that he was currently walking into a four-way intersection in the middle of the rock, Delirious swiftly turned his head to the left and saw the bright orange glow of the lantern coming his way. He sucked in a breath and decided to hide, hoping that they hadn't seen him in the two seconds he'd been out in the open.

He pressed his back against the nearby wall adjacent to his soon-to-be-enemies' way. He wasn't really in the mood to start fighting. He was tired, he was hungry, his saddlebags were feeling like boulders along his sides.

Delirious still got his rifle out all the same, and clenched it in both hooves as he shoved his head backward and stared with beads of sweat pouring down his forehead at the constantly largening glow of the ponies' lantern. He could easily just scramble back where he came from, or vault over the wall and high-tail it toward camp, but movement meant noise, and noise meant notoriety. And not the good kind either. He realized all too late—a rehearsed habit of his—that he hadn't chambered the next round in his rifle, and cursed to himself as he found out he'd have to be content with just watching the passersby... pass 'im by.

The first hoof of his would-be attackers came into view, a dark color not directly influenced by the moon high above their heads. Delirious' glaring eyes went downward, finding the orange glow just mere inches from reaching his position. He inwardly hoped that they wouldn't try to turn his way, too caught up in their current conversation to really notice where they were headed. If Delirious knew caravans, they'd be dead within an hour as foretold by a bumbling futuristic scientist.

"I'm just saying, that pony back there..."

"Who, with the bandages?" The mare asked, a look of confusion on her face as she turned to her companion. Her mane was long, almost touching the floor to be tripped upon by the otherwise short-haired stallion pulling their cart full of supplies behind him.

"Yeah," said he, scratching his neck, "weird ass guy, I'll tell you that."

"I don't even know what he was talking about! Something about some book and something about some bulls–"

"The hell is the Bible, anyway?"

"I dunno," the mare replied, as honestly as she could possibly sound. A laugh escaped her mouth, which she quickly suppressed by way of a dainty hoof. The stallion as well let out a guffaw of amusement. Delirious almost smirked himself, but remembered he hadn't any bullets in his gun. A frown crossed his lips instead. "But I sure as hell know not to screw with some guy called the Burned Man–"

Something inside of Delirious twitched.

He sucked in another breath once he recognized his current intake wouldn't last long enough. Hopefully the hunger pains would go away. The ponies were close to getting out of the intersection...

He bit down and grit his teeth, involuntarily lifting a leg up as he about tipped over. His breathing was hitched now, accompanying short breaths that escaped his muzzle and deafened the blood in his ears. "Mother...fucker..." Something was wrong. He was most likely having hunger pains, as was usual at this time of day, but they were stronger. There was one in his left side, which disappeared and was replaced by one in his right. Then the left again, both now present. He didn't notice he was swallowing until the dryness of his throat caught his attention. He reached a thoughtful hoof up to his throat and traced its shape downward. He wasn't due for water for another few hours or so, so he shouldn't have been feeling anything...

What the fuck was happening...?

It was as if someone had stuck a vacuum down his gullet and sucked his stomach contents out. Delirious suddenly keeled over and threw his head downward, vomiting onto the floor.

He held his hoof over his mouth and wiped his lips, coughing into the appendage once he was sure he was done.

He felt sick to his stomach, contributing it to his now looking at the mess on the floor.

Blue eyes narrowed.

His mouth opened up, and he stared down his muzzle as he lifted his now shaking hoof from its position in front of his mouth.

Delirious tilted his hoof over, now mumbling incoherently.

A small patch of wet leaves was spattered against his soiled bandages.

Delirious didn't even notice he was hyperventilating.

"...what the fuck."

"Hey, there's someone over here!"

HBD

She flicked the lighter once more, her light green aura of magic sputtering and stuttering like an old machine starting back up after a lifetime-long silence. The sparks simply refused to ignite. She grumbled, adjusting her position on the dining chair with a white hoof on the table before her and a slip of her pink tongue onto her lip. Narrowing her eyes, she gritted her teeth so hard she believed she'd crack them, nudged her head forward, and swiveled the sparker once more.

This time, she was rewarded with a small orange flame that grew in size and illuminance until she could finally see comfortable around her. Though she was incredibly distressed about the whole "Ponyville being on lockdown" thing and all, she had to at least admit that it helped when it came time to sleep. The bright glow touched upon the filly sitting across from her, her purple mane as shaggy and unkempt as could be. If her sister was anywhere near here, she definitely would've vomited and began seizing on the carpet at the sight. Luckily for Sweetie Belle, Rarity was down at Sweet Apple Acres. Unluckily for Sweetie Belle, that was because of what had happened a month or two back.

That led to the reasoning behind Apple Bloom's absence for tonight's event, Sweetie Belle realized as she noticed the empty chair still pushed in next to her friend. She looked up at her with a pair of incredibly fatigued looking purple eyes, though the smile on her lips told different stories of happiness and thankfulness. Belle wasn't really sure how she could do it; being so okay through this whole ordeal. Sure, she maintained that she needed some time alone occasionally, but everypony needed some quiet time sometimes, right? That's what Rarity always said, though that was usually when she and her friends were bustling about like the Manehattan rush hour around the Boutique. Said Boutique had seen better days, but then again, so had Ponyville. They turned off the electricity weeks ago, and without an outlet to rely on and no TV to catch up on, its citizens had also seen better days. All because of what had happened a month or two ago. She couldn't really tell how long ago it was, they all just kind of... blended in together.

Somepony caught her attention from the other side of the dining table. Sweetie Belle widened her eyes and straightened the frown she had let grow on her face, then turned to her left and stared.

"Yeah, Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo was quiet for a little while, mostly hidden behind the large white pastry lying before her on the picnic sheet. They'd found it in one of Rarity's cupboards, and even though it looked a bit old-fashioned and had a few surprisingly unnoticed holes marring its surface, it sure beat eating on the dusty oak underneath their food. Sweetie Belle looked away, still levitating the lighter next to her face. The flame sprouting from its top continued to flare and sputter, reminiscent of the light green aura surrounding its figure.

"We might wanna light them now."

Belle stopped. The lighter almost clattered onto the floor beneath her.

"Whaddyou mean?" She really had no idea. Twisting about in her chair, she propped a foreleg on its back and added, "Nopony else is here yet." She swiveled back around, the squeaking in the old steel grating in her ears and almost bleeding them dry. She cleared her throat with a hoof to her trachea and continued, "Rarity should be coming back in a bit; we could wait for her before we–"

"Rainbow Dash won't be here."

Rainbow Dash had left just two weeks ago, if Sweetie Belle recalled correctly. Not even a wave of goodbye or a farewell hug. She had just put on her gear and flew off in a rainbow blaze with that other stallion. Sweetie Belle swallowed a lump down her throat. She wouldn't dare speak it out loud, but for once, Scootaloo had a point, and a heck of a good one at that. She had to marvel on the fact that Scootaloo had said it without any hint of emotion whatsoever. It was almost like she was a Pegasus robot, built for mass destruction and... killing and...

...

She swallowed another lump down her throat. It probably wasn't for the best to think about that kind of stuff again. Her mind wandered aimlessly and prompted her to idle. Looking around from her seat, she caught notice of the accessory draped around her neck and slid it around so its long end faced her. Placing a hoof underneath one of its corners, Sweetie Belle silently bounced her red Crusader's cape. Scootaloo's lay forgotten on the floor by her chair's legs. Hopefully, Apple Bloom was wearing hers while working out in the apple fields. Without her brother and sister to help her, she needed all she could to not collapse and die. Belle considered her cape to be a good luck charm, mostly due to the fact that she had made hers last—as Scootaloo's and Apple Bloom's were her first real attempts at clothesmaking—and hence was the one that looked the most attractive. She counted the threads of stitching that she had made along a border near the cape's edge. One two three four five six seven eight, all the way up to twenty-six. The lighter still burned in her magic.

Sweetie Belle sat like this, mumbling numbers to herself and lightly bobbing the flaming lighter by her head as Scootaloo simply stared straight ahead. The shadows around the duo danced a particularly chunky Salsa out of the corners of Sweetie Belle's eyes, swaying side to side and up and down along the Carousel Boutique's dust and cobweb-covered walls. If the stores were still open, she'd go out and buy new wallpaper herself; the current ones were looking a bit shredded and saggy as it was. She reminded herself that she was looking at the threads on her cape, and so she about snapped her neck to look back down at the article of clothing. She would have started humming if she didn't know or didn't care that it would startle Scootaloo across from her.

The filly was leaning over on her chair. Sweetie Belle looked up. Scootaloo let out a short laugh, an eyebrow raising into the sky.

"What, you only got me one? Was the comic book store closed or something?"

It was. Scootaloo knew that, and so did Sweetie Belle. What a weird joke to make. They'd walked around the town past its curfew a lot of times already, she had to have known it was ransacked. Belle frowned. It wasn't even a comic book.

"Sweetie Belle?"

The filly waggled her brow. Whoops. "Yeah, Scootaloo?"

The Pegasus waved her hoof in front of her like she was beckoning for somepony to come in. That would be dangerous. Hopefully she wouldn't actually do that.

"Can I have the lighter, since you're apparently not gonna do it?"

"Oh," Sweetie Belle said, suddenly looking at the appliance. It continued to burn. Funny how that worked. You keep your hoof pressed on the big swivel thing on the back and it just stays lit up. Let go and it just—skrrt—stops.

"Why'd you turn it off?"

"Do we really need to do this?"

Scootaloo looked hurt. She sank a bit in her chair, replying in a slightly more somber tone, "Do you... not wanna be here?"

Belle perked up, smiling. "No, it's not that!" Scootaloo nodded and grew a small grin. "It's just... not really the same with just two people, you know?"

Scootaloo's face suddenly lit up, a wide-open grin plastered on her orange face. "Oh, I know! Why don't we go ask if Twilight wants to come too! Maybe she knows where Rainbow Dash went!"

Sweetie Belle flicked the lighter. No fire. "I think Twilight's up in Canterlot, talking to the Princesses."

Scootaloo's ears flattened against the sides of her head as she deflated, a sad frown once again falling upon her lips.

"Oh..."

Sweetie Belle scratched the back of her head. "Hey..." Scootaloo perked up, waiting for Sweetie Belle to continue. "Did Apple Bloom tell you about Big M–"

The look on the Pegasus' face made her halt in her tracks. She looked about ready to cry.

Sweetie Belle stuttered in her throat somewhere. She looked up. "Is he all ri–"

The same look. The same results. The room fell quiet once more.

She guessed not.

"Where's Spike?"

Now that was something Sweetie Belle didn't know.

"I think he's with Twilight." Scootaloo gave a short ah of recognition as Belle continued, "So, Canterlot." She tried to flick on the lighter again. Still nothing.

The table was quiet once more. Scootaloo sat forward in her seat, placing her chin in her crossed forelegs lying on the sheets. The large pastry in front of her lay uneaten, and unseen. Belle adjusted her posture and elicited another long, hellish creak from her chair.

Flick.

Flick.

Flick.

Flick.

Flick.

"I just hope that Delirious is okay."

Sweetie Belle bugged her eyes out as if she had just heard her foal sputter a curse word. Slowly turning about in her chair—and raising yet another chorus of creaks—she tilted her head. The pointy hat atop her curly mane slid around her neck and hung suspended in the air.

Scootaloo looked up at her, eyes shrunk and baggy.

Sweetie Belle smiled.

"Happy birthday, Scootaloo."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

The two went crashing into the dusty old clothes drawer, sending it and its contents—both in and above—down to the ground to shatter and bury in the sand. The Unicorn mare, standing on the sidelines, continued to scream at them to stop. The blue Pegasus, his mask slightly twisted and slid off his face, threw his opponent against the rock wall, screaming as he had other ideas and brought him down with him. Now wrestling on the ground, they began throwing punches and landing hits, though none were strong enough to knock the other off or out. Rolling around and kicking up sprays of sand, the two stallions yelled at one another with animalistic growls and hisses.

Delirious tumbled around, his hooves clutching Bucking Bronco's windpipe in a crushing pincer. Straddled atop the opposing Pegasus, Delirious roared from somewhere down in his throat and started pressing as hard as he could. Bronco took the time to strike a hoof into Delirious' stomach, effectively ending his breathtaking crusade. Pushing him away, Bronco leapt up and tackled Delirious once more, throwing a hoof back and getting ready to launch it. Delirious saw through this and brought in a hindleg, stuffing it into Bronco's gut to try pushing him off. His forelegs went to Bronco's face, tilting his brown head and causing him to glare at him and bare his teeth out of the corners of his eyes. Bronco suddenly dipped his head forward, the light tan Stetson previously on his head falling onto Delirious' face and effectively blinding him.

He heard the sound of a gun clattering and instinctively ducked. A flurry of sand dusted his black mane above where his head had previously been. Using the hat as a protective cover, he rose up and headbutted Bronco in the side, knocking the Pegasus over onto the ground. As he looked around in a daze, he could only watch as Delirious sprinted toward him, grabbing hold of his foreleg that was holding the Heavy Pistol tightly. Grabbing it with his teeth, Delirious bit down on Bronco's skin. Hard. A few flakes of blood sprayed freely, and Bronco held enough intelligence to simply fling the firearm across the room.

Now on top of Bronco once more, Delirious threw a punch into his brown face and brought his forelegs up, shoving them into Bronco's mouth. Beginning to pull his closed mouth apart, Delirious gritted his teeth, furrowed his brow, and shouted.

"Give me my fucking teddy bear back!"

The Dirty Black Rain

This wouldn't do. Not at all.

She lit her horn and crumpled up the piece of paper prior sitting in front of her. A new blank sheet materialized into view before its cousin even hit the bottom of the trash lid, its flammable content growing taller and taller with every barely passable sketch-up and every wasted second of her time. She stamped a hoof against her chair in an attempt to position it closer to her workbench, magicked her carpenter's pencil from next to her, and leaned forward to observe her new canvas. The magenta aura around her writing utensil appeared on the large oil lamp situated by her easel's base, allowing it to twist and turn to shed more flaring orange illuminance on the sheet of paper waiting for its leaded contact.

She cleared her throat and began to draw once more, figures and equations bouncing around her too-occupied brain like foals in a multi-colored bouncy castle. Her pencil jaggedly flew across the paper in a crow-like fashion, ending at what she inwardly determined to be about twenty-six inches. She'd done this time and time before; she knew how long the barrel was by now inside, outside, and in its diameter. She hummed at this revelation, the pencil in her magical grasp hovering idly. It wouldn't hurt to quadruple check. With no need to arise from her seat, she felt for the object in mind and surrounded its figure in her aura, then quietly and cautiously brought it over into the light. The other lamp—an electric one, her backup—found itself flicked on with a kick of a purple hindleg and a positioning of its light bulbed head.

The dull yellow tape measure flung itself from the scratched wooden countertop in a magenta hue, extending from one end of the weapon to the other. With her pencil, she wrote on the bottom left corner of her paper a series of dimensions. Forty-six and a half inches in total; twenty-six for the barrel. She was right. She didn't find time to chuckle, but it inwardly amused her that she had doubted herself. She was always right. You never got to be a protege for nothing, after all. Her counting done, she looked back at the weapon for five whole, uninterrupted seconds. Her purple eyes darted from one edge to the next, and from one corner to another. The tape measure instantly snapped closed, and, in similar fashion, each and every single bit and piece of the rifle suddenly disconnected, unlodged, and floated before her for her to study on and marvel at.

The barrel was first, like it had been so many times before. Twenty-six whole inches of an incredibly weighted steel, with some kind of grooves or twists lining its insides. The exterior was of a particularly bleak color; a very steel-like gray, shiny and glittery beyond all belief, but with enough scars, scratches, and etchings marring it to tell her that it had seen a lot of dangerous action, whatever it may have been. She adjusted her glasses. Once more; maybe she had missed something. There had to be a reason this kept muddling up. Maybe a size error, or maybe she'd misidentified something. She went through it again. The barrel was used to propel whatever it fired, some kind of grainy powder she—and apparently the Princesses—had never seen before. The idea of the powder sprang into her head again, and so she gave it a slow turn to the various jars and bottles she'd used to try recreating it. She didn't exactly want to waste the ammunition that she'd found inside the weapon, as she'd need all the help she could get, but every passing second told her she could spare just one of those brass casings. She proceeded to occupy herself once more by darting her head in plain view of the rear part of the weapon, to the odd L-shaped lever that she assumed to be some kind of locking mechanism, if the small notch on the right side of the frame fitting it just right was any telling indication.

She fiddled with the lever for a few seconds, intending on measuring it out and writing down what she saw.

"Twilight?"

There he was again. She knew why she couldn't answer him; he knew as well. Any millisecond spent not studying this weapon meant another millisecond for those... those... criminals, those murderers to be out there, running around and spreading their horrific plague wherever they went in a terrifying blood wake. He knew she couldn't stop for even one second, so why did he continue to do this? She shook her head almost unnoticeably, and leaned forward more even as the old oak door behind her creaked open with a hellish squeal of trite. She didn't know why she could suddenly hear the small taps of dragon feet along the floor; she'd get so engrossed in her work that she could block out any other kind of disturbance with the ease of a spiritual button. Why not now?

"Twilight?"

The pencil in her magic continued to scribble fervently. If she kept this up for long enough, he would go away. It was just that simple.

She, in the meanwhile, returned her attention to the rifle. Slowly bringing its delicate pieces back down to eye level, Twilight hummed to herself and ran a hoof along the long barrel. A shiver flew up and down her spine. She couldn't imagine such a thing being used to... kill other ponies. There were too many parts—too many logistics and too much dedication—for such a thing to not end up as some kind of heavy washing machine or incredibly durable factory engine.

It took a couple minutes of dead verbal silence, but Twilight heard the telltale sound of her door slamming shut once more soon enough. A sigh escaped her lips, but she lit her horn and placed the rifle at the top of her workbench all the same. Her carpenter's pencil returned to its home on the lip at the bottom of her workbench, next to her large assortment of erasers and other writing utensils. Pens, markers, crayons, quills. Whatever she could find went into her sketching, but the sketching itself proved to be more detrimental and difficult than even she had previously thought. She enveloped her glasses in her aura and propped them back up to the bridge of her nose. She looked upward, disturbed by a few loose locks of her mane, and quickly swiped them away with a flick of her hoof. She'd have to put her mane into a bun of some sorts if this continued.

She knew why she kept working. She knew why she didn't stop, or halt. Even with the locking down of Ponyville, she knew she had a job to do, no matter what the Royal Guards outside her house had to say on the matter. The rest of the house was an all-black dark, only changing in increments of orange and yellow atop burning white wax. Spike spent most of his time sleeping anyhow, so there was no need to keep them on a ritualistic basis. All she needed was light in this room, and only this room. She'd been able to modify the bright lamp that Spike had always complained about from downstairs into using its own energy supply based off her own pumping of magic, and it was an easy source of light that she didn't need to necessarily watch out for.

Others had their own concerns, however, and each of them came to her one at a time.

The first was Rarity. Twilight had already started her pursuit of engineering at that point—which had been only a week or two after the robbery occurred—and so she wasn't able to see her friend's unmistakable sounds of suppressed sobbing and nose-blowing, only being able to make it out thanks to her ears having not been accustomed to such a high work effort before. The Unicorn had come to discuss what she could do about their friends on the farm, and her sister as well. Applejack had gone into isolation in her farm house since the day of the crime, and shooed away anypony else that would come and try to comfort her. Twilight couldn't blame her; she couldn't tell what she'd do if she ever found somepony she loved dead. Twilight had said nothing, and so Rarity simply yelled at her and flew out the door.

The next was Spike. He hadn't had much to say, and neither did Twilight, so the dragon simply apologized to her and walked out the door.

The next was Rainbow Dash. The mare had to be pulled out of the treehouse by about five Royal Guards after she began shouting at Twilight to help her, and how she was going to do anything she possibly could to make sure it happened.

Twilight had said nothing.

But she had listened, and now she was planning.

She'd been no stranger to pulling all-nighters; she'd done so countless times back in grade, middle, and high school for projects, or papers, or exams, or the likes, but pulling an all-nighter, which then extended into all-weekers, which in turn shifted to all-monthers? She needed a few more cups of coffee for that kind of work. She turned her head—her pencil and eraser continuing their tireless work as she did so—to the many piles of mugs, glasses, and bottles of now crusted caffeine lying on the floor. Her eye twitched, knowing full well what a mess she was making, but she breathed in heavily, shut her eyes, counted to five, and looked back at what her magic was doing.

The sunlight peeking in from the circular window to her right cast a distinct pie-shaped quartet of god rays onto her piece of paper.

There were lines, and angles, and shapes, and crosses where her calculations proved wrong, but it was getting somewhere.

She looked up to her dissected sniper rifle on the shelf above her workbench, then looked down to see if the two were like in any way, shape, or form.

She heard the door behind her slam open once more, and a smile drew upon her face.

A flurry of heavy stomping drew closer to her position at the end of the room, accompanying the Pegasus' obviously furious approach.

The hooves along the floor halted. Twilight didn't even need to look to her left to see the mare looking over her shoulder with a death glare.

Finally, she spoke, her voice gravelly, rough, and dark.

"Is it ready?"

Twilight turned her head to look at Rainbow Dash.

And she smiled.

Author's Note

XBS JT DPNJOH

Sorry that it's a bit of a short chapter. I couldn't find a great way to increase its word length without sincerely boring you guys, but I apologize all the same. Next up, Delirious films a video.

Revelaitons

"When the fuck am I gonna get outta this fuckin' desert?"

It was a question that he'd asked himself many times in the past while being trapped here, one that he felt held an answer that, not just he, but hundreds of people would care for. People who still remained despite boredom, or unnecessary prolonging, or even simple dragging of something like, I dunno, a story line. He had to admit that if anyone—and he meant anyone—was waiting for the answer to his question alongside him, whoever had it owed his audience a drink and a backrub. Not sexually, of course. That would be gross.

Delirious' now well-trained ears suddenly flicked upward on the sides of his head, disturbed by the hellish squeaking emanating from a wayward position to his right side. Twisting his upper body around from his position on the carpeted red rock floor, he coughed into a hoof and narrowed his blue eyes to look through the dark of the cave that wouldn't be there if someone hadn't decided to put curtains up. As far as he knew, it was still around one o' clock in the afternoon, definitely not a time for hermit-like behavior and seclusion befitting terrible blue horses such as he. Then again, the one he was specifying didn't have wings, but the point he was shooting at his skull still remained all the same.

The figure of a previously quiet stallion appeared to him from the opposite wall of the small cave, his body cradled in a tattered white hammock and his hooves currently resting on his bulging stomach. Bronco's eyes, prior tightly shut so as to not allow any amount of sunlight to disturb his daily nap, fluttered open like a shitty yellow Pegasus, followed shortly by his incessant yawning that bounced across the walls and sounded louder than it would have been elsewhere. The hammock's two ends—wrapped around a pair of wide stakes they'd taken from some losers in football gear—creaked as Bronco slightly fidgeted in his position to look at Delirious out of the corner of his eyes.

Nipping loudly, he mumbled, "What?"

Delirious worked his mouth around to try and work out an answer, but found that his throat wasn't really working. Though a bit against such a compromising thing, he brought a hoof up to his chin and lifted his mask up just a bit, then curled the appendage and hacked into it with the vigor of a dying meth cooker. He shook his head once again as he looked down and found yet another patch of leaves splattered across the underside of his hoof, then simply discarded the excrement by flinging his hoof this way and that. Turning his attention back to Bronco, he spoke, "Well I mean, like, I've been here too long an' shit."

"Kid," Bronco said, shaking his head as he stared back at the ceiling, "everypony out here has been 'ere too long." He nipped once more, a thunderous smacking of lips that would have made any mortal cringe and reach for any firearm a la Cobain. No I'm not sorry.

"No I mean... fuck, like, I can fly an' shit." He unfurled his right wing, slightly winced at its ruffled and beaten look, and continued, "Not all too well, but I can fly. Why haven't I flown back ta civilization or hitched a ride on a fuckin'... cloud or something?"

Bronco rolled his eyes. "Beats me, kid."

"Before I got here, it was all, like, chill and shit!" Delirious exclaimed, shrugging to himself. "Just fuckin' around with my friends and doin' whatever the hell we wanted!"

"We all had lives before gettin' trapped out here, kiddo," Bronco replied, "and some of ours may not have been as... carefree as yours, but we had 'em."

Delirious tilted his head, snorting all the while. "Shit, you had a life?"

Bronco shook his head, but he gave a little smirk. "Yup." His brown hoof reached over to the side of his hammock and tapped the light tan Stetson patiently waiting on the dresser like an obedient canine. "Was part of the law up in Dodge Junction."

Delirious cocked an eyebrow, sitting up and rustling the carpet underneath his ass, "No shit, really?"

"Oh hell," came the telltale sound of a certain mare from behind Delirious, "not this again." He turned to find Crab Apple, her attention now diverted from the spoiled plates hovering in her magic around her to the conversation happening a few feet away. Shaking her head—and jostling her long green mane in the process—she said, "If you're gonna tell him, Bronco, don't beat around the bush with it like you do with those sorority girls."

So it was story time then, huh? Delirious, reclining backward a little bit, reached around with his right foreleg, hooked it on what he needed, and slowly slid it over to his side. Picking it up, he grabbed it in both of his hooves and squeezed his now obvious teddy bear's body, a playful squeak bursting out of its insides. The sound, which caught both Crab Apple and Bucking Bronco off guard, caused them to jump and wave their eyebrows at him. He narrowed his eyes. They rolled theirs.

"Dodge Junction was pretty shit. Bar sucked ass, the ponies never stopped complaining, and the sheriff was corrupt. Bastard came to us one day and said he was gonna marry a mare. We were all thinking, like, it'll be a girlfriend, or somepony who actually knew 'im, but no," he recounted, now throwing a hoof in Crab's direction, "he wanted ta marry Crab here. Now, I dunno if you noticed it before when she touches every single flower and sticks her hoof in every little nook and cranny she finds, but Crab here..." the mare straightened her posture and puffed out her chest, "...is gay as fuck."

Delirious clucked the inside of his mouth with his tongue. "Huh."

"Anyway," Bronco continued, letting out a heavy sigh as he adjusted his position on the hammock once more, "so I took Crab and helped her hitch a ride on the train outta there, but the sheriff sent the whole town after us and said we were takin' all the shitty beer from the bar. We..." he coughed into a hoof with swift dexterity, "...acquisitioned a wagon and got the hell out of there. Headed south, got stuck, walked the rest of the way into here. Now, we're trapped," Bronco turned his head to look at Delirious now, "and you are too."

"We can just... go east, can't we?" Unfazed by Bronco's instant shaking of his head, Delirious added, "This desert doesn't stretch forever."

Bronco continued his prior action, this time more firmly and definitely in a way that silently claimed he knew what he was talking about. "Oh trust me, we and many others have tried to get the hell outta this shithole of a desert. Lemme tell you," he said pointing a hoof at Delirious, "it ain't easy." He lay back down on his hammock, groaned from somewhere down in his throat, and continued, "Every time you try ta get out, there always some kinda... fuckin' phenomenon that keeps ya in. Sandstorm, spontaneous fire in yer wagon, wildlife, you name it. This place is probably cursed by Tirek himself, hell I'd believe it."

Tirek. What the fuck kinda name was that? Who the hell was Tirek?

"Then why are we heading east, anyway?" Delirious instead asked, lifting his chin to witness Bronco's reaction.

The ex-deputy shut his eyes and sucked in a breath, then opened them and replied, "We're planning on heading east to see if there's some kinda community nestled in the Hayseed Swamps we can hide in. Get some supplies, a nice bed, until we can figure out what the hell ta do when we make it back to Dodge Junction."

"Didn't you just tell me there's no way outta here?" Delirious asked, crossing his forelegs.

"I said it wasn't easy. I didn't say it was impossible."

"If you've tried before, what makes you think you'll be better off this time?"

Crab spoke up from the other side of the cave, "Well, I was going to ask you later, but I guess now is as good a time as any."

Delirious swiveled about to look at the mare, then turned and looked at Bronco as well. Screwing up his face, he asked, "What?"

"Don't even tell me you're thinking what I think you are," Bronco spat, a hiss on his lips as he sat up and glared at the mare.

Delirious wasn't stupid. He caught on pretty quick. "What, you want me to come with you?"

"I don't see why not," Crab replied, earning a well-rehearsed sigh of exasperation from Bronco, "and with your guns and prowess, we could fight off whatever tries keeping us in. You wanna get out of here, don't you? You said so yourself that this desert phase is dragging on too long, didn't you?"

"Especially if it ends up bein' that bird. We gotta watch out for that fuckin' thing too. Massive. Fast. Ain't no use shootin' the damn thing, so we run or we hide and lay low as much as possible," Bronco piped up, his hooves reaching to the dresser sitting next to his hammock, "I've seen that bird tear up whole caravans and leave nothin' for the vultures before. It ain't pretty."

Crab nodded and hummed in agreement, her horn's aura sputtering as she returned her attention to her dishes. "If you wanna join us, we're going to make one more scavenging trip tomorrow and start heading out."

Thoughts of returning to Ponyville burst through his head and swirled around his brain. He had to find his friends as well, didn't he?

Where the fuck were they?

"Hey, Delirious." He turned to face Bronco, whose muzzle was currently dipped into the front page of a surprisingly well-maintained newspaper. The ex-sheriff looked up at him and said, "Check this shit out." Clearing his throat, he wriggled his back around and read, "'The aftermath of last month's mass robbery in Ponyville, which has ended in substantial loss of property and lives, has taken its toll on the citizens of the town, and the country as a whole. Princess Celestia herself has ordered that all roads and borders be cut off so as to deter the group of thieves from escaping. Royal Guards are still on the hunt for these dangerous individuals, and have staked out cities like Manehattan, Appleloosa, and Los Pegasus to find them. Equestrians suspect that Changelings were involved, which has led to much heated controversy from the overseas Griffon Kingdom.'"

Bronco chuckled. Delirious suppressed a gulp.

"You know about this shit?"

His reply was almost a little too fast.

"Nope."

Author's Note

No, the chapter title isn't a misprint.

Also, I know it's super dickish and outright fucked up to say that something will happen when it actually doesn't, but Delirious filming a video has been scrapped from this chapter. :raritydespair: I know. I'm sorry.

Back In Action

It was at that exact moment, with his ass on the searing hot sand and his tattered cloak blowing furiously in the dust-encrusted wind, that Delirious knew he had fucked up. His rifle lay on the rocks next to him, its magazine a few inches away from it in a puddle of blood. The sight of such a puddle reminded Delirious what lay in sticky streaks across his mask, and so he reached a hoof up and swiped it along the scratched surface. Looking down at the end of the foreleg—and observing the massive amount of red splattered on it—he flung it like he bore an annoying hangnail and wiped the remnants off on his sweater. He turned his head to the right, but looked away in an instant.

Maybe if he hadn't been distracted, he could've done something. Brought up his rifle and fired at it, maybe. Then again, maybe if he hadn't had his fucking gun on safety, he could've actually gone through with such a thing. Maybe if he was looking at the sky at that split second in time, he could've warned the others that something big, and monstrous, and potentially lethal was swooping down with the speed of an iron train. Maybe, he could've saved their lives. Maybe they wouldn't be dead right now, and maybe they instead would be yelling at him how close they had come to being eviscerated and torn apart like wet toilet paper.

He rose to all four of his hooves—as shaky as they now appeared to be—and slowly stepped toward what was left of Crab Apple and Bucking Bronco. Considering how far apart their actual bodies were scattered from the rest of them, it was going to be a bit difficult to find what he was looking for. He trotted cautiously past the first piece, its lime yellow color reminding Delirious that it had once belonged to a Unicorn mare with more vaginas on her mind than Lui's back in Los Santos. Stopping in his tracks, he sidestepped an inch to the left, looked away from the stump of a hindleg, and walked past it with a lump in his throat.

They hadn't really had a chance. They were on a long stretch of sand, with two large rock formations forming a bit of a tent for anyone willing to go underneath it. The shade and safety from the sun proved incredibly wonderful to him and the others, but such a location meant that anyone could potentially be waiting right outside for them once they left... which it was, with all eight of its serrated claws and both of its incredibly massive wings. Delirious had to count himself lucky that he'd pulled the caboose, and was able to simply crawl back inside the nice cover of their big rock to watch in absolute horror and mildly aroused interest.

He found his way across the sand and looked straight down at Bronco's shredded torso. Blinking five times, he leaned over and snatched the paper lying inside the other Pegasus' vest pocket with a hoof, then flailed it around to rid it of the blood marring its crinkly surface. Finally done, Delirious sat on his haunches and unfolded it, his eyes narrowing to try deciphering what he was looking at. Studying it for awhile, he simply said, "Oh," and turned it right-side-up, then smiled as the puzzle pieces began fitting together. He was without food and water, his gun was close to empty, and there was now blood all over his fucking cloak...

...but he at least knew where he was going now. Stabbing a hoof onto the map, he smirked to himself and finally remembered where he had been looking for weeks now.

Appleoosa. What a dumb fucking name.

"I fucking hate sand."

He wasn't really lying. Day in and day out presented him with nothing but sand, sand, and more sand. Only a handful of rocks and hills here and there came to break the mold, but then they were replaced once more by the dirt from hell for miles upon miles ahead of him. No, lying about hating sand was stupid. Everyone hated sand. It got in your asscrack whenever you sat down at the beach, or it caked on your legs when you stepped on it after getting out of the water, or it got into your damn food. Sand fucking blew. He was, presently, sick of this desert. Sure, an argument could be handily made that he was now searching for another desert after this one, but at the very least—according to his map—Appleoosa's desert was close to trees and potentially water.

From his position on the rocks, he narrowed his eyes and scanned the horizon for the monstrous bird that had just passed over him not ten minutes ago. Watching the empty blue sky for five whole seconds, he shakily rose to all four of his hooves, gritted his teeth, and roared into the sky with the gusto of a thousand Spartan soldiers. He looked to his left, blue eyes shifting around wildly at the small rock formation that met his eyes completely separate from the rest of the mountain. Growling like a psychotic lion, he stomped toward the stones, brought up a foreleg, and promptly threw a hoof into its surface. He repeated this twice more before swiftly wheeling around, coiling his hindlegs, and shooting them back like he'd done back in the fields.

"Goddammit!" He screamed, continuing his one-sided onslaught. Once again, he'd failed in finding Appleoosa from a perch atop one of the many mountains dotting the Badland's landscape. No thanks to this stupid ass map, not up to scale in the slightest and so damn confusing it was like it was built for kids. "God!" He kicked. "Fucking!" He kicked again. "Dammit!" A series of sharp, whooping cracks called to him from beyond his tail, and he turned his head slowly to see what had caused it. The source was a long line currently extending across the bottom half of his punishing rock.

His eyes grew wide as the top half began to slide in utter silence toward the edge of the steep cliff, where it swiftly tumbled end over end through the air, hit the side of the wall numerous times on the way down, and finally collapsed on the ground about a few hundred feet down from Delirious' position. If Delirious thought that the thunderous crack of Lui's fifty-caliber Heavy Sniper was loud as hell, he obviously hadn't heard what happened to a large, usually tall-ass rock when it hit the rock-covered ground at hundreds of miles per hour.

A flurry of birds cawed loudly and fluttered into the air at the disturbance in the arid desert. Their blacks forms—like large groups of coasting V's in the sky—suddenly turned around like winged soldiers and began booking it the other way faster than normal. Delirious' eyes grew wide. He knew what this meant.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He stumbled to his hooves like a cat on a carpet, finding them slick with droplets of blood from his earlier rock rage. Not having enough time to stare and observe, Delirious quickly wiped them on his cloak and reached toward his back to get his rifle. Cantering toward a nearby rock for temporary cover, he fell to his haunches and took a look at his rifle. His heart beating in and out of his clothed chest, he pressed the ejector on the side of the firearm and let the magazine fall into his hoof. Finding it filled to the brim with shiny brass bullets, he shoved it back into its place, pulled the lever back to rechamber it, and took a low crouch to take a 360° angle around his location.

The sun beat down on him as he went, effectively blinding him from above and to the west. He quietly prayed to anyone who was listening that the bird wouldn't be knowledgeable enough to come from that side. A look around him found nothing but the rock-set platform he was sitting upon, and seeing as how he was on top of a rather sizable mountain in the middle of the desert, getting off wasn't going to be an easy task. Walking down could take hours, and flying down would simply get him torn apart in a split second by a nice set of razor-sharp claws. He breathed in a heavy amount of oxygen, then let it out in a deep sigh.

There was really only one option, and he wasn't looking forward to it. He could very easily just duck down and stay motionless like last time, but the bird would probably sense that something was different when it spotted the halved rock formation in the corner with its piercing, presumably well-trained eyes. Delirious crouch-walked over to his last piece of cover, sights finally catching a glimpse of a shape on the horizon approaching fast.

He ducked down, placing the foregrip of his rifle on the top of his rock. He looked at the rail lining the top of his gun, then cursed to himself when he realized he still didn't have a scope. Without some kind of Bible passage he could recite while doing this, it was going to be way less badass. Adjusting his hindlegs' position on the ground, Delirious reaffirmed his grip, pressed his cheek against the stock, and shut his left eye tightly. Steadying his aim—which proved a lot more difficult than he would have thought in part thanks to his quaking stomach—he eased his breathing and waited for the fat raptor to get closer.

In a matter of short, thought-consuming seconds, he heard a familiar cry ring through the valley.

SKEEROOOOOOW!

As its wings halted their movements and instead allowed their owner to glide in the wind, the bird began to ascend upward, then hook from left to right. Delirious shook his head. It was trying to avoid his shots, before they were even shot. Damn thing was smarter than he thought. He wouldn't have another opportunity to do this, and he wasn't going to waste it by saying nothing before taking the shot that would definitely bring it down. So, with his tongue poking out, his breathing slowing down, and his hoof lightly prodding the trigger, Delirious muttered an apt, very anticlimactic, "...dick chocolate."

He eased onto the trigger and pulled it, the crack of his Marksman Rifle sounding out and kicking his shoulder an instant afterward. From his position, an easy thirty-two yards away, he could see the bird reflexively shrill in pain and mourn for the eye that was now scrunching up at the contact. Delirious cursed to himself for a brief moment. No punctured eye sockets today meant no combat jack after he was done, either in hell or still here. Tackling his shadow to the ground, Delirious threw his forelegs over the back of his head and felt the wind sweep aggressively past him as the bird swooped directly overhead.

He quickly got back to a standing position and retrieved his rifle, then swiveled about to shoot at the bird's ass as it completed its strafing run. Bloody hooves made for slick hooves, and with a naughty word escaping his mouth, Delirious accidentally dropped his beloved SO and fell to his stomach to collect it as fast as possible before it had time to come back around for another pass. Lifting his chin for a quick look at his opponent's position, he found it ascending upward as if it were attempting to soar into the sun. Perfect.

Grasping his rifle, Delirious took a crouching position and aimed a bit ahead of the bird's torso, where its neck connected with the rest of its body. If he didn't hit somewhere on the throat, he could at least maybe nail the spine and chip off a few vertebrae. He pulled the trigger, then shouted a resounding, "Fuck!" as the bird easily dodged it by dipping to the side. He fired yet again, wondering just what the hell it was doing as it flew upside-down directly above him about half a mile up. He watched as its silhouette suddenly shrank and slowly grew more definite in his sights.

He promptly shat himself. It was dive bombing him like a fucking Dauntless. Though this meant that he was about to be completely flattened by a massive raptor, this proved a well-earned opportunity for Delirious. If it was coming straight at him, it would be a lot harder to miss his shots. Pointing his gun straight up, he pulled the trigger and instantly grit his teeth when he wasn't met with the bark and crack he was used to. Bringing its chamber to eye level, he yanked the lever back and watched as the jammed casing soared to the ground next to him. He looked straight up again and began yanking the trigger with no care for how much ammo he might have had left. Whatever he was doing was doing absolutely nothing to impede the large beast of a bird, which continued to drop at an admittedly scary speed.

His rifle clicked empty just as he could make out the hard glare in his adversary's eyes. Luckily for him, he hadn't ended floppy and poorly hung like his potato-loving friend. The bird hit hard on the platform a bare inch away from him, its gargantuan wings and pair of equally large claws thrashing about to try and simply fling him off the mountain. Delirious, trying his damnedest to scurry away to a far corner of the mountain peak, ducked and dodged as talons flew at him and sunk into the rock wall to his back. Attempting to scream, the bird opened its beak and faced Delirious with a knitted brow and...

...holy fuck was he fighting the Helmaroc King from Wind Waker right now?

Sensing that the long object next to Delirious was the thing currently causing it pain, the bird reached out with a wing and promptly flung it into the pony's body, sending him further down the line and separating him from his rifle. Grabbing it in its claws, it did a little hop and flew into the air, its two legs swinging back and forth like a kiddy appliance before throwing the gun into the far-off distance. Delirious watched helplessly, his one advantage now soiled. No other gun in his inventory had as big a caliber as his Marksman Rifle, and with no time to check as the bird angled to its left and approached once more, he wasn't sure he'd be able to fight back now.

His opponent evened out, and with a mighty call, sped like a bullet toward his position.

Delirious blinked absent-mindedly. His head throbbed, his forehead was matted with sweat, and his mask felt a lot more sticky than he was used to. Lying on his side against a wall of sun-blasted red rock, he let his skull thump on the ground beneath him and watched in silence as death approached. His hoof, reaching up to his neck, brought out the deep red knot that had plagued his every day out here. The newspaper had said it all. He had fucked the country up, and all because he wanted to waste time with his friends. Barriers were set up, electricity was cut, and borders were closed. He had officially ruined what lives the people of Ponyville had made. He had officially fucked up his friends.

From somewhere, way down, something slowly came to Delirious. A whooping holler, or maybe even a battle cry of some sorts. It wasn't him, no, because his voice didn't sound like the one he was currently hearing. This one sounded... familiar, and reminded him of bright yellow public transport. He shook his head, attempting to dispel the thought, but it came once more in fury, and definitely more volume. He cracked open his eyes—not even realizing he had closed them—and suddenly widened both in realization. With less than five seconds to a bloody fate by way of bird, Delirious heard the sounds of helicopter blades and instantly called.

"No fucking way."

"Badoop-a-doop Banana Bus!"

A Cargobob, in all its gloriously camouflaged, double-rotor'd glory, came in hot and fast from the west, its nose pointed down as it headed for a crash course with death. Thundering ahead, it collided with the side of the massive bird—emitting an ear-bleedingly loud crack—and effectively changed its prior pony-bearing destination to the unforgiving sands hundreds of feet below. The Cargobob, lightly stuttering in the air and slightly smoking from its twin-engines, rotated about on a dime and hovered toward Delirious's position. Its open side port now being presented to him showed him a familiar face all too ready to punch that he hadn't thought he'd even see for the rest of his life.

"What are you waitin' for?! Get in, bitch!"

Delirious, rising to his hooves, sprinted toward the rock wall in front of the helicopter's hovering form and jumped off it, landing inside the safety of his friend's Cargobob. Feeling the loving sensation of military-grade steel under his hooves, Delirious let a smile cross his lips. Turning around, and about tumbling as the helicopter began flying away from the mountain, he found a small pig staring him in the face and lifted a hoof. Wildcat, nodding to him, lifted one of his own and bumped theirs together.

"Welcome back, mothafucka!" Smiling, he looked toward the cockpit and thumped on the wall next to him. "Alright Lui! Let's go kill us a fuckin' bird!"

The monkey-masked colt, a gray headset nestled on his head, nodded to himself and called back, "Aye aye, Captain!" Delirious never thought he'd miss the squeaker voice, but he definitely sure as hell had. The Cargobob, in better hooves than Delirious had prior believed, dipped to the left and gained speed. Looking back toward the ass end of the helicopter, Delirious found a paper bag that he hadn't missed, a pair of brown eyes staring at him in silence.

"Hey Nogla!" He shouted, opening his forelegs to welcome in a hug.

"Delirious! We missed you–" A hoof connected with his dick, causing him to sputter out his last word and fall to the floor without finishing his sentence. Holding a pair of forelegs against his crotchal region, he sucked in a breath and yelled, "You fuckin' asshole! Goddammit!"

"Oh shit! He's comin' back!" Wildcat called, eyeing the large bird now flying toward their rear.

"Use the minigun!" Lui advised, one of his hooves rolling about like he was holding his cigar, "I'm fly-ing!"

Delirious looked at Wildcat, puzzled. Mouthing the weapon's name, he watched as the pig trotted over to the back of the Cargobob and pulled at a large tarp situated near the end of the helicopter, revealing the heavy weapon in all its shiny glory. Outright punching a button on the side of the interior wall, Wildcat quickly walked back next to Delirious so as not fall out of the now lowering ramp. A scene of red rock pillars, expansive deserts, dry dry cacti, and a very pissed off, feathered vulture thing presented itself to the Cargobob's crew. The wind, disturbed by the new edge across the helicopter's form, rippled past and threatened to suck anyone close enough out of the aircraft.

Delirious stayed where he was, believing that the others had a set plan and that any movement by him would probably fuck it up. As the helicopter banked and rotated about for a few seconds, he turned to Wildcat and awaited his next move. The pig simply flinched at him with a disbelieving look and a point toward the minigun.

"Well? The hell you waiting for? You think I can use that thing?"

Delirious didn't need to respond, and with a little squee of glee, threw himself to the ground next to Nogla and placed his hooves on the trigger handle of the large rotary gun. Pulling the trigger, the lovely sound of spinning barrels blared in his ears, accompanying the circular rounds of lead that were currently being fired the bird's way. It swerved left and right in an attempt to dodge, but the endless onslaught of bullets continued to punch holes in its body and wings. It skree'd at them as the Cargobob took a hard left and soared past a large rocky stalagmite. The bird, in its furious intemperance, simply crashed through the stone and threw it toward the earth with its chest.

Pulling the trigger, Delirious laughed at the misfortune of his opponent, but suddenly halted not a moment later when his spinny shooty gun stopped spinning and shooting. Confused, he pulled the trigger twice more in rapid succession and frowned. Slamming a hoof against its side, Delirious turned around and shouted above the rotor blades, "Lui, did you seriously only fucking put like a hundred rounds in this thing?!"

"What?!" Lui asked, "I used the rest on Nogla because he called me a mean name!"

Wildcat groaned under his breath.

"He really did!" Nogla sputtered, still lying in the fetal position on the floor, "It fuckin' hurt!"

Lui giggled from the front like a school girl. "It really did!"

"Fly, fucker!" Wildcat yelled, piggy eyebrows knitted in annoyance. "We've gotta be close by now!"

"Whoopsie! Missed our stop!"

Delirious turned to Wildcat. "Our stop?"

Lui peeked his head out from behind the cockpit door, a giddy grin on his monkey mask. "Strap in everyone!"

If by "strap in" the young colt meant his friends thudding against the inner walls of the aircraft by the G's, then strap in they did. The Cargobob, swinging around with its nose down, powered straight forward and back toward the bird now advancing on their position. Just as it looked like the two parties would collide in midair, Lui maneuvered the helicopter to its side like a bicycle, its rotor blades slicing across the bird's bulging stomach as it flew mere centimeters above it. Its gut now fully exposed and bleeding profusely, it fell a few inches in the air and smashed into a rock column a couple yards away, but steadied itself and flew back at the helicopter.

Lui yanked the cyclic back and to his heart, sending his Cargobob into a small hole nestled in the side of a lone rock formation just big enough for them to fit inside. Slowing down to a crawl, Lui turned the helicopter 90° degrees to the right, the open side port of the chopper now facing the opening they had just flown into. With only the rotary blades to make a sound in the echoing length of the cave, Delirious, Wildcat, and a recovering Nogla stared toward the open mouth and the rest of the desert before them.

A loud clunk caused Delirious to involuntarily jump. Turning to the source, he found Lui holding out his Homing Launcher to him. Taking it in a hoof, he watched as the colt returned to his instruments and hoisted the explosive firearm over his shoulder. Narrowing his eyes, he waited for the right moment. At once, the bird's large head appeared, beak wide open as it cawed threateningly at the group. Delirious, taking a knee, pulled the trigger and filled the interior of the Cargobob with a cloud of smoke that caused its crew to start hacking lungs. Lui, turning the aircraft and flying it out of the cave, grabbed their attention with a mighty, "Take that, meanie!"

The bird, flapping its wings like a hummingbird now, banked, dipped, and flew to the right behind a series of rocks. The homing missile, so close to exploding on its ass, blew up without hitting its mark. It reappeared to their right from behind a large hill, slowing down and silently glaring at them as it hovered in place. It had them cornered. Opening its beak and shouting at the group, the bird didn't even notice as a hulking shadow drew over its head.

Delirious, his heart beating out of his chest, saw this shadow, and leaned out the side of the Cargobob's port to stare up at its origin just as Lui shouted into his mic, "Now!"

Delirious felt a pair of heads thud next to his, and with his jaw on the floor, watched with Nogla and Wildcat as the familiar sight of a Titan nose-diving from miles above them showed itself to them in every form and fashion.

His comment was shared with the other two next to him.

"Oh shit."

A voice crackled on the radio from the cockpit. "Surprise, motherfucker!"

A door on the side of the Titan opened up, spitting out a small figure as it drew closer and closer. The obvious pony, now pulling his parachute, gave a front row seat to his friends for the Titan to impact with the bird, its four engines and large gasoline tank instantly exploding and enveloping its target in a mass of orange and yellow flowers. A trail of jet black smoke accompanied the raptor's final excursion to the sea of sand as Lui brought the helicopter down next to where it had landed. A flurry of dust flew into the air as the Cargobob descended, but Lui practically leaped out of the side as if it weren't a problem. Only when it settled did Wildcat, Nogla, and Delirious follow the young colt to the sight of the now presumably deceased bird.

Its feathers were completely singed, an Olympic pool of blood beginning to cascade over the hills and bumps around it. Its eyes were closed, and its tongue hung out like a tail-wagging dog waiting for a bone. Delirious turned at the sound of whistling wind and found Vanoss floating toward the quartet with the help of a rainbow chute, his face in an obvious grin despite the owl mask covering it. As he hit the ground, he laughed and trotted over to the blue Pegasus.

"Hey man! Did you see that shit?!"

"Fuck yeah, man!" Delirious replied, high-hoofing his Canadian compadre, "That was badass!"

Nogla spoke up, "Uh, guys?"

They all looked at the bird. A single eye was half-lidded now, its owner trying to rise from its cooked and seasoned position on the ground. A series of wheezes and coughs came from its bloodied beak; what was left of its right wing attempted to flap and lift it back up into the sky. The creature was clearly struggling to continue living.

Lui walked up to the monstrous thing, reached toward his crotch, brought out his Heavy Revolver, and fired a bullet into its skull.

Wildcat stepped forward, retrieved his Pistol 50, and did the same.

Vanoss trotted next to it, equipped his Combat Pistol, and pulled the trigger.

Nogla, utilizing his magic, slid his Pistol out of his dick and shot.

Delirious walked over and, swinging his Heavy Pistol out and cocking its slide back, fired one round as well.

The five, now reunited once again after so many months, stared with a pregnant pause at their now dead foe.

Wildcat broke the silence. "You guys think he's dead now?"

Delirious lifted his gun and pulled the trigger one more time, then turned to Wildcat and said, "Probably."

Author's Note

Just can't kill this cockroach of a story, can I? :rainbowlaugh:

Wait We're Still Going?

"Where the fuck have you been, guys?! You know how many fucking readers we lost in that desert?!"

The deathly quiet that met his ears was the only answer he was to receive, though it was shortly followed by his four friends all turning their heads slowly toward him, eyes blinking and mouths set in silent frowns. Even Wildcat, situated underneath the smoking Cargobob, rose from his seat on the ground and glared at him, wrench in his teeth, underneath his mask, under his helmet. He studied Delirious for a second or two before spitting his tool out next to him, wiping his pig snout, and reaching for the bottle of water next to him. Wrestling it open amidst a flurry of very choice words, he proceeded to chug away at it for three whole seconds, then put it down, capped it, and simply glared at the others when they gave him odd looks back.

"Could someone shut him the fuck up?"

"You shut up!" Delirious shot, taking a step forward and pointing a hoof at the pig.

Wildcat quietly rolled his eyes, mumbled something, then softly placed his back onto the desert sand and resumed his fiddling away at the underside of the chopper.

"Seriously though, where the hell have you been, man?" Delirious spun on a hoof, finding Vanoss looking up at him with a foreleg propped against his masked forehead. The owl face stared wide-eyed at him stoically, but Delirious could tell that the Canadian was waggling his eyebrows at him sarcastically. Seemingly searching him for anything of use, Vanoss observed, "You're dressed up like some fucking Fallout character or something."

"Yeah, we haven't seen you for like a month," Nogla chimed in, the rustling of his paper bag catching Delirious' twitching ear, "been waiting for your ass in Appleloosa the whole fockin' time."

Delirious straightened his posture; a quick hoof flashed to steady his flowing, tattered robes.

He held an answer on his tongue, but in the heat of the blistering sun, it stayed where it was to allow Lui his shining moment.

"He went southeast."

"Fucking idiot," Wildcat called from underneath the chopper, his wrench doing very much the exact opposite of its rather quiet job, "I'm pretty sure we explicitly fucking said that we were meeting up where you got your bounty." He cranked a few bolts, cursed when they refused to cooperate, and shook his head as he added under his breath, "Had to go fuckin' play Mad Max while we hid from guards and shit."

Delirious, his lips turned in a frown, looked at what the pig was doing, narrowed his eyes, and pointed up at the ass rotor of the Cargobob. "You do know the engine's on the other side, right?"

Wildcat presented his tool of choice—an odd lovechild of a wrench and a hammer—and resoundingly thumped the bottom of the chopper. "Didn't stop me in Battlefield, did it?"

Blue eyes shrank. "Wait, they're still chasing us?" Delirious asked, retaining eye contact with any that met him in anticipation of a swift answer.

It was Vanoss who gave it to him, simply and bluntly as he trotted toward where Lui sat on a large rock. "I mean, we robbed a bank, stole a shit ton of cash, shot a guy, scared the town..."

Delirious' ears splayed back against the sides of his head. His eyes darted to the floor and roamed about for awhile. The sun-blasted rocks looked nice today.

"...plus I think that guy we killed the other day was a bounty hunter..."

One of Delirious' ears flew upward, the same side of his head as the brow now raised toward the sky. Sucking on his teeth, he raised a hoof up to his mouth and cleared his throat.

Vanoss was now taking a delightful swig from a bottle of Pißwasser. Putting it back down again with a swift wipe of his mouth, he continued, "...and the bartender has been giving us the stink eye for the past week too..."

He coughed again. Fuck, he knew this feeling.

"...still surprised we haven't been haaanged..."

Delirious practically fell to the floor, but, with shaky hooves, caught himself before he could fully collapse on the sand and rocks beneath him. His sudden descent caught the attention of the others, who instantly reacted with soft, caring, lovable, "Did you just fucking trip, you dumbass bitch?"

Opening his mouth, he shut his eyes and, very simply, vomited green onto the floor.

The guys laughed speedily thereafter. Nogla lifted his chin and began to drink out of a bottle of eCola.

"You pussy."

"What, did you get airsick or something?"

Delirious lifted his mask up off his face and rubbed at his right eye. Groaning as if he'd just been woken up in time for school, he weakly regarded the others. "Fuck you."

They burst out laughing. Delirious shook his head and ran a hoof through his mane, then lifted a hoof to walk toward a nice looking rock sitting as far away from the others as was possible.

"Oh c'mon man! Cheer up!" Delirious spun around. Nogla excitedly waved a hoof over at him, cola in hoof. "You're goin' home soon!"

"Or as much of a home as you could call that shit pile," Wildcat called.

"You know what I had to do for those fuckin' drapes you ungrateful asshole?"

"We've all had to look at Vanoss' mom's Polaroids, dude; nothing to be ashamed about," Lui quipped, earning a plastic scowl from Vanoss' trademark mask. Monkey and owl stared at each other, but both chuckled it off like it was absolutely nothing. The sounds of hooves clip clopping against rocks pittered out to Delirious, and so he only sucked in a breath when he felt a hoof on his shoulder.

"Lighten up man! We'll have a few drinks and kick back like old times!" Lui beamed, patting Delirious like some kind of dog. "Just gotta be quiet if we hear any guards again. None of us brought silencers, so, y'know..."

"Do we really wanna dig ourselves a deeper hole here?" Delirious asked.

Lui guffawed. "Who do you think we are, man? Some kinda fuckin'–" He gave the Pegasus a light, friendly bump and instantly recoiled with a shout and a fervent studying of his now apparently injured appendage. "What the fuck? Your leg is like a fucking stone, dude! The hell did you do out there?"

Delirious raised a brow. His friends, rising out of their prior seated positions, did so in kind. Looking down, he brought a foreleg up, paused, and knocked on the other across from it.

A dull thudding noise rang in his ears, like a balled-up fist rapping on a log.

Author's Note

We've hit the two year mark since, like, a month ago.

Coincidentally, it's been more than three months since the last update.

My laptop is, as I've as of five minutes ago found out, is about six or seven years old. I've been trying for the past weekend or so trying to boot this shit up. Had to publish some of my other things from my damn phone. What a hassle that was. :ajbemused:

The One Thing In My Way

"Istilljustcan'tbelievethatI'mfinallymeetingallofyoubecauseIwasosuperdupersadthatImissedyouguyswhenyoufirstshowedupandyouwereinthehospitalandIwassupposedtogetthegirlsbutImetsomeponywhoneededmyhelpsoIhelpedhimwhichiswhyI'moutherebutnowhereIamtalkingtoyoualllikeInevermisseditandIcan'twaittofinallygetbacktoPonyvilleandfinallythrowyouthebestestwelcomepartyeverexceptit'llbecalledSorryIMissedYourFirstDayButWelcomeToPonyvilleAnywayLet'sPartyParty!"

Delirious sank his prior existing frown against his two cheeks and promptly stuck fish hooks into them, forcing it deeper and deeper until it mirrored his current posture perfectly. Splaying his ears back and retreating from the pink mare merrily bouncing and skipping next to him, he felt a grimace cross his lips and about sprained his neck when she suddenly appeared in front of his face.

"AlsoIreallyloveyourmaskitdoesalotforthedirtandotheryuckystuffunderneathisthatfromPie-dayTheThirteenthoramIgettingmymoviesmixedupIwasneverabigfanofmoviesbecausethere'ssosomanyofthemtochoosefromandIcan'tchoosetowatchallofthembecausethat'sreeeaallyhardbutIalwaysgetthebiggesttubofpopcornIcanandjustsitinthebackandstuffmyfaaaace!"

She hopped back over to her position to Delirious' right and flashed him a grin, still jumping up and down like she was on a perpetual sugar high. There's no way someone could be this fucked up on sweets. Last time he'd checked, none of them had snuck her an EgoChaser while the others weren't looking, and that was the only thing all five of them knew that could cause such a rush without going into the suspect borderline of being helplessly illegal.

As they all continued trotting down the dark streets of Appleloosa, Delirious could see the eyes glaring at them from the buildings to their left and right. This mare was drawing a shit ton of attention, and she wouldn't shut the fuck up no matter what they said against her.

"Who the fuck told her she could come with us?" Wildcat asked from Delirious' left. Looking over at the pig, he raised a brow and attempted a shrug, which—seeing as how he was a pony, and couldn't do much else when he was walking—appeared to be a cross between a mentally handicapped seal trying to wink and a cat throwing its furry ass into the sun-kissed air.

Vanoss clucked his tongue in a similar vein to the owl he wore on his head. "No one."

Nogla chimed in almost immediately, "Yeah, I don't think any of us said she could."

Even underneath his pig mask, the guys could see his eyes widen as Wildcat mashed his teeth together and whispered in a low hush, "THEN WHY THE FUCK IS SHE STILL HERE?"

They collectively sucked on their lips as Pinkie Pie turned their ways with a reflexiveness not too unlike the bird they'd left a few hundred miles back southeast, her eyes narrowed and her mouth in a telling "O" shape. Putting on their most casual faces—which didn't amount to much from the small, fat pig with a pig mask and helmet, the young colt with a smoking monkey on his head, the tall, dirty Unicorn with a bag over his ugly face, the eternally angry orange owl, and the Pegasus wielding a serial killer's bloodied and tarnished mask—they blinked at her as one single unit and attempted to display innocence.
leg

"Heeey..." She started, rubbing at her chin as she, surprisingly, still continued walking normally.

The guys shifted.

Pinkie pointed a hoof at Nogla. "Aren't you the janitor at Cloudsdale High School?"

Wildcat snickered.

"Fuck you," Nogla said small-ly, almost choking underneath his paper bag. He shook his head and turned to her. "No."

Pinkie tutted. "Darn, I always get that wrong." She looked back at Nogla. "You are a janitor though, right?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I'm getting a reaaally big janitor vibe off of you."

Nogla raised a hoof, almost tripping, but was cut off by Pinkie, who pulled out a mop and water bucket and began scrubbing the sand beneath them... while still trotting at their pace... on her hindlegs.

"Being a janitor's suuuuper fun though! Once, I went with my friend Rainbow Dash–" Vanoss flinched. "–to her old school, and I got to mop the floors, and boy was I good at it!" Holding her mop like a guitar, she fanned her right hoof over its sopping head, elicited a nice chord, and began singing, "Mopp-in' around, like I know my duty–"

"Shut up Godsdammit!"

The six all looked up and to their right to find an old stallion shaking his wrinkly, arthritic hoof at them from the second story of the local inn, a horrible frown fixed on his sagging face.

Pinkie, suddenly mopping the sand again like she'd been caught snoozing on the job, grinned and waved back, "Sorry Mr. Dinkleberry!"

Mr. Dinkleberry, shaking his head, issued a very quiet, "Fucking kids," before being drowned out by Pinkie, who let out a sigh and dunked her mop into the wheel-mounted bucket still rolling by her side.

"I forgot to get him a present for his birthday last week, so he's still a little cranky about it." She pouted out her lips and gazed up at the other five. They shied away. "He didn't even like my Sorry I Forgot To Give You A Present On Your Birthday Belated Birthday Gift! I got him a nice new pair of teeth." She began mopping the floor, then shook her head and jostled the dark pink curls towering atop her head, adding, "Came with a rooster and everything..."

She quieted down in an instant, and, with slow movements and weary sideways glances, the guys quickened their pace and took a left to head toward their destination, thinking her one-sided conversation finally finished. They all sucked in a collective gulp of air to find that she could match their pace in a blink of an eye, as if she weren't creating a trail of water with a phantom mop from the perch of her little birdy hindlegs.

Vanoss leaned in toward Delirious. "Okay," he whispered, eyeing the mare up all the while, "on three, we're gonna book it and see if we can get rid of her."

Delirious shooks his head at the Canadian to silently tell him how astronomically stupid his plan was, but could only watch as he repeated the plan to the others, who nodded with him in agreement. As Pinkie hummed a little tune that practically screamed Top Ten Videos and cyborg birds, effectively drowning out anyone else, Delirious heard Vanoss start.

"Alright. One..."

"Two..." came Wildcat.

"Three!" Nogla spat, raising a hoof and getting ready to book it.

All five lunged forward with the need to dash, but leaned back and created pairs of dirt trails behind them as an obstacle blocked their way.

Pinkie Pie, her neck waaaay too freakishly long to the rest of her body and creating a kind of roadblock, smiled at them, chirping, "Oh yeah! How's Ponyville since I've been gone?"

The guys had made stupid noises all their careers, but the ones they made at that moment were among the most unintelligent.

"Duoh..."

"Uhfg, sh..."

"Yeeahoohh...?"

"Tuuuhm."

"Fuck."

Their lack of eligible answers caused Pinkie to walk the rest of her body over like a dog. Raising a brow, she turned her head around and looked up at the five of them from the ground, frowning.

Taking this opportunity, they took up a nice canter and walked around the mare, who popped her neck back into place and suddenly appeared from underneath Wildcat's helmet. Wildcat, letting out the most girliest of shrieks, took off the article, wheeled about on a dime, and promptly baseball chucked it against the side of the nearby building. Pinkie Pie, her back still hidden beneath the helmet, turtled her legs out and bounced off the wall, did a backflip, sailed over Wildcat's head, and threw her "shell" back onto his pig mask. Wrestling it back on with a little whimper, he looked down at his chin, cleared his throat, and found the two clips of the chinstrap, then clasped them together with a resounding click.

"We haven't been back there for, like, a few weeks," Lui finally replied, his voice completely normal and betraying his other remaining friends' bout of giggles.

"Yeah? Shut the fuck up you dicks–"

"Haven't seen them since the Harvest."

"Aww," Pinkie Pie pouted peevishly poorly, "I missed that too?"

Delirious nodded. The others, though he couldn't see, were probably too busy trying to think of a way to escape this hellish nightmare of a... mare.

He would've laughed at the pun if it wasn't life or death.

"Well that's gonna be a long list of things I missed." Reaching into her mane and pulling out a quill... then reaching back in with her other hoof and yanking out a long scroll, she raised both items up to her eyes and glared at them. Licking the end of her quill—which Delirious noted as looking... familiar somehow—she mumbled nothings to herself, still keeping pace with them, and scribbled something down. "Right below Scootaloo's birthday too."

His heart took up a storm, beating into his eardrums and tearing them to pieces in the span of a single, split half-second.

Not another later, he felt something push him with a little hoof and rushed back to reality, the voice of Wildcat chuckling, "Yeah, well, sure sucks to not be there... or something."

Adjusting his blue sweater, and tucking away the red cape underneath it, Delirious swallowed a lump down his throat and resumed his trot.

"I'll be back in Ponyville by the end of the week though, so it's no biggy! I'll just have to make up for all of it the day I get back!" Pinkie exclaimed, rolling up her scroll and placing it back into her mane. Turning, she regarded Delirious, "Oh, and thanks for letting me use this," and grabbed at his right wing, shoving her quill back into its rightful place.

As Delirious craned his neck and flexed the wing back and forth in a shocked stupor, he heard Pinkie suck in a breath and start.

"I've been too busy here in town though! First I was at Sugarcube Corner, where I met this guy with this bird, and he had lost his rock and needed my help, so I just had to step in and help him, and then we went to the train and went off to Baltimare, where we met up with this eeevil mare named–"

She suddenly stopped what she was doing, courtesy of the door now pressing against her Earth Pony face. Neck splayed up and her chin resting flat against the exterior, Pinkie opened her eyes and grit her teeth, wondering just what had happened a second ago.

Inside, the five criminals cursed, spat, and shot insults at one another, their hooves flying as they tried their hardest to lock the shed door as quickly as they could muster.

"Don't fucking drop it–"

"I'm not gonna fuckin'–"

"Shit!"

"You fucking dropped it!"

"Shut up just shut up where the fuck is it–"

"It's underneath your hoof dumbass–"

"Hoof?"

"We're ponies, you fucking–"

"Say foot!"

"Why would I say foot?! That's not right!"

"Shut up and get the lock goddammit!"

"Fucking idiots, move!"

Nogla fell to the floor, having been shoved to the side.

"Fock!"

"Wah wah."

Turning to the door, Wildcat clamped the lock shut and swiped his hoof across his covered forehead for no real reason and to no real avail.

"Step back step back," he told the others, fanning around and shaking his head at them as they did so.

Five pairs of eyes stared at the shed door anxiously.

Knock knock knock.

Wildcat lifted a hoof and turned to his friends, not a word on his snout.

"She's not fucking five dude, she knows we're in here," Vanoss retorted.

"Or does she..." Lui sang, slowly scratching at his chin.

"Are you guys playing cards?"

Four turned to one.

The one rustled his paper bag.

"Nope."

Pinkie, sitting on her butt, rose to her hooves as the lock on the door fell to the floor. Looking over to her left, she watched as the oak opened up ever so slightly, revealing a pair of brown eyes from underneath a paper sheath.

"Hi!"

Nogla blinked. "Uh, hi."

They stared at one another.

"What'cha doin'?"

Nogla looked at her. He looked to the ground. He attempted to go back inside, but something metallic and distinctly 12-gauge clicked at his retreat.

It was quiet for a time.

"Goin' to bed?" Nogla finally asked, almost hesitantly.

Pinkie smiled. "Oh! Sorry!"

She didn't even finish before Nogla fell back inside, shut the door, locked it, placed a magical lock on it as well, put a chair against the frame, and placed a slab of wood along its figure.

He turned to the others and raised a hoof. "All good guys."

"You're fucking dumb."

"Shut up," the Irishman replied, trotting toward the others as they fell onto their cots.

"This really where y'all sleeping at?" Delirious asked, shifting uncomfortably on his bed.

"You wanna buy a room at the inn? They've got hookers, but they've got police too," Vanoss responded, yellow eyes piercing the dark interior of the tool shed.

"Nah."

"Good night!"

"Good–"

They all shot up like a scene in Paranormal Activity, their eyes darting around like hawks to look for the unwanted voice's source.

From the window to Vanoss' left—one they hadn't accounted for—Pinkie waved wildly at them with a grin on her face. The five waved back, inwardly afraid of what would occur if they didn't. Winking at them, the mare reached down to something out of sight, pulled out a green M1 helmet, and slapped it on her head, then turned about and bounced away, the brain bucket shooting up and down with her movements.

Finally left to themselves, they shuddered like they'd just gotten out of a frozen lake, shook their heads, and placed their backs back onto their cots to get some shut-eye.

Feeling an itch on his ass, Delirious raised up his foreleg and turned over on his side, but stopped as something caught his blue eyes.

He narrowed them. Somehow, in the middle of the desert, he'd collected a healthy, green leaf. He hummed a low note, then brought his other foreleg up and brushed it away. It lifted ever so slightly, then landed back on his foreleg a little ways down. Letting out a low curse, he turned the appendage round and round, then sucked in a small breath.

Letting the leaf dangle, he mouthed something indecent and finally noticed that it was... attached to him. Leaning forward, he bit down on the stem and plucked it off his leg, then whispered, "Fuck!" at the pain he was met with.

"The hell's wrong with you?" Nogla asked in the dark.

Delirious set his jaw.

"Nothin'."

Hundreds of miles away, in a quiet, white-walled room, Big Macintosh opened his eyes.

Author's Note

Man that helmet Pinkie's got sure seems familiar doesn't it hmmmmmmmmm? :trixieshiftright:

Blue Balled

The comment section of anything on the internet was a cesspool, a toxic waste dump, of the most horrible kinds of people and the cringiest conversations one could ever bear witness to in their entire life. He'd spent much of his teen years browsing YouTube, and many times had he come out of comment sections much worse off. Pulling hair. Grinding teeth. Howling with laughter. Crying and spitting. It was the highest spectrum of emotions someone could go through in a span of just a handful of seconds, and when you had built an entire career on a website full of the type of individuals who put you through such ordeals, he was very happy to admit that he spent many a day laying on his bed and praying for the sweet, humble embrace of death.

His weren't any different. It wasn't too hard to garner a young audience when you threw your stupidity in video games on the internet, but the percentage of middle schoolers and tryhard jokesters that plagued each and every single one of his videos was a record—and quite a sight—in and of itself. Eleven year olds asking to play games with him because of how "good" they were, or how funny they could be when they probably hadn't even hit the first sign of puberty or touched a vagina. Giveaway scams with copycat profiles bearing his name but not the blue checkmark that he was sure would be ample enough reason to not trust the links they sent out. Some people were just stupid, and no amount of help would, well, help them.

He may have loved them all, because, in the end, they still took the time out of their days to watch his videos, but if they didn't know or understand a high amount of the things that happened, or were said, they should just remain in the silent majority that just lurked. He liked those the most.

Delirious blinked his blue eyes twice, first to throw himself back into reality, and second to make sure he'd been successful.

In front of him, hovering over the bar's counter, was his foreleg. One of them, at least. He turned it around, ever so slowly, and gazed at the leaf stem still poking out of the dirtied blue fur. He thought he'd plucked it off completely the other night, but when he'd gotten up this morning, he'd scraped it along the shed's front door and realized that it wasn't so. What the fuck was going on? First, he'd been vomiting up leaves and grass, and now he was growing fucking leaves on his body. Well, a leaf, but he didn't think whatever was happening to him would stop at just one.

Speaking of getting up, he was relatively glad that he and the others hadn't seen the head or tail of Pinkie Pie all morning. Maybe they'd successfully avoided her and warded her off. They'd been pretty obvious with their speaking to her that they weren't interested in knowing her for any longer than a day, or, at least he'd hoped. One night was all he could take of the mare. He'd only just met her last night, and already was he incredibly sick of her. He was sure she was actually super nice like the rest... like her friends, but she hadn't made a great first impression, especially with her loud voice that could've easily gotten them caught by any roaming lawponies. Not like any were really looking to get them caught out here. According to Vanoss, the city was so isolated from the rest of the world because of its size that news didn't properly reach it, and thanks to the lockdown, the ponies in Appleloosa didn't know shit about what had happened back in Ponyville, and, really, elsewhere.

He shook his head, looked back up at the countertop, and grabbed at the shot glass lying in wait for this exact moment. The sounds of the busy, bustling, talkative saloon rushing back to his head, Delirious leaned his head back, tilted his glass so its ass end saluted the ceiling fan above him, and splashed the hard liqour previously inside it across his battered white mask. Slamming his shot glass onto the counter with a sigh, he screwed up his face, looked up at the bartender, and found him mirroring his expression. Delirious coughed.

The bartender grunted, effectively ending their game of Charades. Nodding at Delirious' glass, the Unicorn stared at the Pegasus and waited for an answer.

Delirious pursed his lips, first to his left then to his right, then slightly, lazily, tiredly, raised his right hoof up by the end. With that, the Unicorn got what he wanted and levitated his bourbon back over to Delirious with a small grin. Filling it up once again, he tipped his brown cowboy hat and grumbled, "Bottoms up."

Delirious obliged in an instant, peeling his ears back and shutting his eyes as the alcohol practically dove down his throat. It tasted like shit, but, well, it was a lot better than the alternatives sitting idly on the shelf behind the bartender, their red fruits and promised acres causing him to pull a second-take at first glance, glare at his hooves at the second, and sigh at the third. This was the fourth. He only looked back at his glass now.

His hooves began moving even before he realized his—their—intentions. Reaching into the inside of his sweater, he fumbled around and grabbed at what he was searching for. Taking it in both hooves, he pulled it out, just barely, and looked down at its sandy, dirty, stuffed face. He pursed his lips and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Teddy bear..." he sighed, hugging it to his chest, "the hell are we gonna do 'bout all this?"

His proximity to the bar—or lack thereof thanks to his stool—made itself a grand enemy of his as he suddenly, simply, aptly dropped the bear to the floor. Cursing and gritting his teeth, he pushed his seat a few inches behind him, hopped off it, and reached down to retrieve it before anyone saw.

He threw a hoof out, and just about had it until a shimmering blue aura instantly appeared across its surface, bring it up and away from his promised grasp, and bring it over to a yellow Unicorn he now stared at in a tranquil silence. The Unicorn, adjusting his cowboy hat, spat a drop of tobacco on the floor, grinned at Delirious, and raised the teddy bear up to his eye level.

"What's this ya got here, partner?"

Delirious blinked.

"Y'all got yerself some kinda teddy bear, little filly?"

The ponies around him, who Delirious now assumed to be his little playmates, all guffawed in tandem.

"I think you should probably give me that back," Delirious delivered, never breaking eye contact with the stallion.

"Delirious."

He turned. Wildcat was half on his seat on half off. For a pig, this was actually a pretty impressive display that made him look like he was about to collapse onto the beer-stained floor in a cold heap. "Look man, I'd love nothing more than a good bar fight right now, but we're kind of wanted fugitives right now..."

Delirious swiveled about to, once again, very kindly and very calmly ask for his teddy bear back, only to find his prized object hovering horizontally in the air next to his opponent's head.

"Ya don't mind if I... hold 'm for a little bit, do ya?"

Delirious felt the corners of his mouth sink. "Not for too long, no."

The Unicorn gave a little chuckle like he was impressed with himself, then hummed as he turned the bear round and round in his magic. Delirious stayed his piece, but felt a single one of his hooves twitching in anticipation. There was gonna be a moment here, and he wasn't gonna waste it.

"Very nice stitching, this," the Unicorn remarked, narrowing an eye and bringing one of the teddy's arms up to the light peeking in from the outside, "pretty fancy needlework." Delirious' right cheek spasmed as he took notice of one of the stitches. It looked a tad slacker than usual. "Think I'll take a quick look 'ere–"

His foreleg was up in an instant.

The bar shut up in a bare millisecond. The pianist craned his neck and pressed one of his hooves against his instrument. The working mares, still smiling their enticing smiles, let crooked grins shine. The bartender, prior cleaning a glass, looked up from his work without a word and only a working of his lips that bunched up his mustache. His friends, in the corners of his eyes, kept facing straight ahead but slowed to a halt. The patrons and employees all locked eyes with both parties next to the counter, and stared anxiously at the blue Pegasus now training a revolver between his opponent's two eyes.

Delirious cocked the hammer back.

With one noise came another. A bottle broke somewhere in the room. On the other side of the building, a Pegasus rose from his chair, looked down at it, and promptly snapped off one of its legs. Vanoss, seemingly taking advantage of the motionless inhabitants of the bar, strode over to the pool table, rubbed his chin at the game that was previously being played, knocked a few balls into their holes, and grabbed a pool cue from the rack against the wall.

"For fuck's sake Delirious, we already had a bar fight like forty-five chapters ago," Nogla broke the quiet, shaking his head and rustling his paper bag.

From what sounded like the bathroom came a low, whooping cry that slowly rose in volume, ending as an Earth Pony came streaking into the main room, raising a foreleg, and clocking another pony upside the head. His victim crumbled against a chair and banged his head against the wooden table. Grinning a wild grin and breathing heavily, he chuckled exhausted chuckles to himself and looked around at the reticent crowd now focused solely on him.

"Did somepony say bar fight–"

"No, no one said bar fight you dumbass," Wildcat interrupted immediately, rolling his eyes.

A series of groans roused the bar's curiosity. They all turned as one to the recently KO'd pony, who scrambled to his hooves with gasps and sputters. Reaching for his hat and replacing it on his head, he regarded his assaulter with a cocking of his head and a shit-eating grin, then swiftly reached for his thigh and pulled out a revolver as well.

"Whoa!"

"What the fuck–"

"Put it down!"

Delirious licked his lips, turned his head a bare centimeter, and barely sputtered out, "But... don't... I have a gu–"

"Relaaax, it's a lighter," the stallion explained, pulling out a cigarette as well and lighting it once he'd placed it within his teeth. As he puffed, he shook his head and whispered a group of murmured obscenities.

A heavy sound cut through the bar. Everyone looked to the source. The bartender, his horn glowing, yanked the meat cleaver out of the countertop and let out a low growl.

"What's that for?" Lui asked.

"Cuttin' some meat later," the pony replied, not meeting the young colt's gaze.

"Oh."

The room fell quiet once again. The author began realizing his lack of diversity with the word "quiet." Delirious, still aiming his revolver at the Unicorn in front of him, hummed to himself and adjusted his grip. Everybody, and everybody, waited with anticipation, all expecting something big. A few minutes passed by without there being any further movement. The stallion still puffed away. The bartender slowly dropped a piece of deer meat on the counter with a frown. The dust particles, growing in number and choking the inhabitants, floated through the choked air and mixed with the stench of sex, booze, and regret.

Without warning, and a flurry of colorful confetti, the front swing door blew open, revealing a pink party mare dressed as a peculiar, redemption-seeking member of Dutch van der Linde's old posse.

"Did somepony say barf height?! Mine's three-thousand feet!"

"Bar fight?!"

Delirious, still holding the revolver, opened his mouth, furrowed his brow, and glared at Pinkie Pie, issuing a very resounding, "FUCK!" as the patrons began their pastime.

Oak Disguise

"Who's responsible fer all this?!"

Whose fault was it, actually? In something like this, do you blame the escalator, or the antagonizer? He pulled a gun, but that fucker had fucked with Teddy.

He shook his head, small curses whispering lightly off his tongue. What a great thing to wake up to. As the sounds of the approaching stallion's hoofsteps echoed and creaked along the old oak wooden floor, the patrons and inhabitants of the local bar began to rise from their adrenaline-induced slumber with moans and groans that would've fit better in an old zombie flick. He himself joined in on the collective mumble train, blue eyes straining to see what was directly in front of him.

"What the fuck?" Someone familiar asked incredulously from somewhere nearby.

Delirious blinked the blurriness from his sights for a few seconds before grumbling to himself, seeing his vision swim again, and simply muttering, "Fuck."

"Godsdamned drunkards. You'd think in a town like this ponies'd just off themselves..."

Who the hell was that? He didn't recognize the voice all too well. Looking at the floor, he had to admit that, then again, he didn't recognize much at the moment. Delirious shook like a wet dog, then craned his neck and glared to his left to find the rather gravelly, twangy source.

"All right," the voice started up again, going back to its original, booming volume, "show's over!" With that, like a teacher announcing a pop quiz, the ponies—either drunk, dizzy, or damaged—gave a collective groan and growl. Something particularly glass-like fell onto the floor and shattered, almost drowning out his next words, "Everyone off your asses and on yer feet. Move it on out, now."

With a new, blinding, almost godly light source streaming in from the now open front swing doors into the prior completely dark saloon, ponies began stumbling to standing positions and limping out into the day, their aching and whining wafting back into the bar for all those remaining to grovel at.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah where the fuck are my hands?!" Delirious heard Wildcat cry from the other side of the bar.

"Hey, you!" The now apparent lawpony, complete with badge, vest, and hat, spat from next to a kneeling mare, pointing Wildcat's way with a boot covered hoof. "You hush now, y'understand?"

It was as if the pig had been rehearsing his retort in his head for months, quickly shouting back from behind the counter, "Go fuck yourself you fudge packer."

Delirious' eyebrows went up in anticipation of a gun and then a shot, but the lawpony only rolled his eyes, thoroughly ignored the obvious weapon in his holster, bent down, assisted the mare up off the floor, patted her on the back, and murmured something to her before walking around and perusing the thrown tables yet again. "Now how's about you stay right there so I can come getcha myself?" The lawpony asked with his mustache a-shuffling, not even looking at Nogla, who—out of the corner of Delirious' eyes—was just raising a hoof to move.

"I didn't do anything!" Nogla affirmed, brown eyes narrowing from under his now horribly torn-up paper bag.

"Everypony pointed at'cha," the lawpony replied matter-of-factly, dipping his head up and down at the Unicorn.

"That doesn't mean shit–"

"Not t' say I trust my own townfolk more than a couple o' recent strangers, but..." The lawpony gave Nogla a full once-over, frowned, and shrugged. With no response from the alleged culprit, save for a stuttering of curses and bewilderment, he turned around and about bumped noses with a pink mare.

Without even flinching, he glared at her, slacked his shoulders, and spoke flatly, "Pinkie Pie. Shoulda known you'd gotten caught up'n all this."

Pinkie's mane was, by now, tussled beyond all belief, with one half in its original state and the other completely matted down like someone had taped an incomplete ballcap to her head. Her John Marston "cosplay" was in shreds, with her blue vest completely unrecognizable, her white undershirt unbuttoned and showcasing her pink stomach to the ground, her gloves discarded, and her hat upside-down and inside-out on her head. You wouldn't have been able to tell thanks to the ginormous, eternal smile crossing her lips.

"Sheriff Silverstar, you trust me then," she began, patting her chest with both forelegs, "don't ya?"

Silverstar clenched his jaw. Must've been chewing gum. "Yes," he droned.

Delirious bit on his bottom lip and looked toward his friends in the midst of his sitting down on the floor. They mirrored his expression; mildly concerned, wary, and cautious, they didn't expect Pinkie's next words to be what they were. If anything, they expected a prompt selling out and a nice slapping of handcuffs.

"Nogla didn't start it–"

The Sheriff immediately guffawed, "Nogla? Which one is–"

"Paper bag!" Pinkie exclaimed in a similar fashion to answering on a game show, leaning over to her right and violently waving at the Unicorn. He waved back quietly, a request to speak dying on his tongue. "It wasn't him, Sheriff Silverstar."

"Now how'm supposed t' believe that with that glass–" he swept a leg to the Irishman, "–in his hooves, and the glass–" he swept it to the right, where the rest of the bar stood, "–all over the saloon?!"

A small hoof shot up tantalizingly from behind the counter next to Wildcat, who looked at it then looked down. "Oh! Oh! That was actually me!" A squeaky voice claimed. The hoof pointed down as well. "I stabbed him with it."

Delirious looked at Silverstar. His jaw was wide open.

"Throwing bottles isn't a talent, man. Anyone can just do it," came Vanoss, who, unlike the others, was calmly standing against a post. The wide, beady eyes of his owl mask betrayed the blood splashed across its surface. The frown, however, did not.

Silverstar turned back to face Pinkie Pie, who was now hovering in front of his face, a suspicious look on her face. Silverstar—and Delirious, and Vanoss, and Wildcat, and Nogla, and, with struggle, Lui—regarded Pinkie's legs, or where they should've been on the floor. Instead, they blinked away the empty space underneath her, and Silverstar reached up, adjusted his hat, placed his hoof against his muzzle, and cleared his throat.

"I–"

The light from the front door disappeared, in its place a group of all black figures that began to slowly walk into the bar.

"Now what all happened in 'ere?" A light, very accented voice drawled out. Its source was unveiled as it and its companions began walking around the room; a light yellow Earth Pony with a brown and tan mane stopped, his green eyes wandering the broken shelves, overthrown tables, obliterated bottles, and wet floorboards. Screwing up his face, scrunching up his lips, and snorting, he asked, "Silverstar, didjou have another one o' your bachelor parties without invitin' me again? Now what'd I tell you about all that? Shame on you."

"Thought you were in a meeting, Braeburn," Silverstar replied, minding the apparent Braeburn as he began upending the furniture.

"We were, 'til we heard the commotion," Braeburn responded with a grunt, planting the base of a roundtable back onto the floor. "Another bar fight, huh?"

Silverstar nodded at his cohort's head shake, joining him on the opposite side of the piano and grabbing it. "Nothin' t' concern yerself with, heeyup!" He whooped, pushing the instrument across the floor back to its spot near the bathrooms. His voice, a little high pitched and straining, came again, "Why don't'chy'all just head on back and let me clean this up m'self?"

It was at that point, with Braeburn and Silverstar continuing their conversation, that Delirious noticed the other two members of Braeburn's group. Big, brown, and bulky, they were either really fucked up deer, or buffalo. Only when he saw that the slightly larger one's ensemble was a feathered headdress did he figure out the answer.

The buffalo didn't even seem to mind Delirious and the gang as they trotted around the building, lifting chairs, and tables, and occasionally ponies up off the ground.

The obvious leader perked up and immediately shook his head when his brethren sighed, "It is nice to see our land being used for good purposes."

"Hush, Moonwater," was his gruff cutting-off. Placing a hoof against a wooden chair and propping it up like a skateboard, he flicked his head around and regarded the two lawponies, "Who did this?"

Silverstar, a little huffy, hissed and flailed a hoof, "Apparently he did."

In not actually looking at where he was directing his point, Silverstar made a mistake. His hoof made an imaginary line directly toward Delirious.

Delirious' eyes widened as the thunderous stomps of what he assumed to be an annoyed buffalo walked over to his position. He turned his head away from the Sheriff just in time to feel a heavy tug on his left foreleg, which would've begun dragging him away were it not for deus ex Pinkie Pie cantering over yet again.

"It wasn't any of these ponies, Chief Thunderhooves!"

The Chief let go in an instant, retracting his hoof like he was worried he'd catch an illness. Seeing as how the Europeans had done the same centuries ago, and there was some kind of parallel here, Delirious could understand the worry.

"Oh!" Chimed Braeburn, accompanying his gallop over to the group's position. "These're the folks y'all were tellin' me yesterday about, Pinkie?"

"For Gods' sake mare, who the hell started this then?" Silverstar's voice hollered.

Braeburn turned at his stomach, then waved the Sheriff off with a hoof and a shake of his head.

"Yup yup yup!" She beamed, the three of them behind the counter finally trotting out to join her side. Vanoss, wiping his hooves, got back down all fours and bumped elbows with Nogla, who whispered a very obvious, "Fook off," to him.

"So who then, Miss Pinkie Pie?" Thunderhooves questioned, his chin going up slightly.

The answer was lightning quick. Delirious had to blink a few times to make sure he hadn't somehow missed something. Following her—and now everyone else's—gaze, he suddenly peeled his ears back, grit his teeth, and felt the stirring pot inside him begin to bubble. The yellow Unicorn, his cowboy hat angled oddly on his head, sat up in a second as if from a hard sleep and rubbed his skull.

Next to him, on the ground was Delirious' teddy bear. Delirious raised a hoof to stomp over to his beloved stuffed friend's side.

"Well that ain't no shit..." Silverstar grumbled, shooting air out his nostrils and trotting over to the culprit.

"I see that everything is handled now. I believe we have business to attend to, Braeburn," the Chief proclaimed, turning tail and beginning to walk out of the saloon. Braeburn, midstep, paused for a second, swiveled about, and regarded Delirious with a sheepish grin.

"Sorry 'bout all that. Go on home an' get some rest, now." With that, and a boyish chuckle, Braeburn brought up a hoof and hit Delirious in his right foreleg playfully. Delirious barely even flinched, not even feeling the stallion make contact. Braeburn recoiled swiftly, waving his hoof around and asking, "The hell's wrong with your shoulder?" Sitting on his haunches and grasping his injury with the other leg, he cursed, "Gaaah, dammit! Ya feel like a damn tree over there!"

The low, heavy, previously constant hoofsteps against the floor cut out instantly. Delirious turned to them as Braeburn continued to seethe in pain.

Chief Thunderhooves was staring, his eyes wobbling around in their housing as he narrowed them in scrutiny.

"A tree, you say?"

Braeburn gave the Chief a half-hearted look, then sighed at his leg. "Sure as hay felt like one. Gods, my hoof..."

Thunderhooves, true to his name, strode toward Delirious, never blinking an eye and never missing a step even as he descended two of them near the entrance. Like a ginormous wall of brown fur with a face, he stopped a bare inch away from Delirious and stared at his hooves, looked to his left and right, then back up into his blue eyes. Black into blue.

Without a word, the buffalo yanked up Delirious' foreleg, then began humming very bassy nothings to himself. He turned the appendage round and round for two seconds before finding what he needed, and what Delirious knew to be–

"This stem."

Thunderhooves poked it like a child. It didn't waver an inch. He let it go, then minded Delirious.

"How long has this been here?"

"A month or two, I think."

Thunderhooves was quiet for some time, humming yet again, and then he spoke, "Then there's still a chance..." He leaned over to his right—Delirious' left—then retired to his position once more. "Speak with your friends first. They look like they wish to speak to you." He about-faced and began ambling away. "Then, come and find me at the Sheriff's office." He looked at Delirious from next to the front door, where Silverstar was just escaping with his criminal in tow.

"We need to talk."

Author's Note

Bah, you'll get it later.

Worning Mood

Delirious narrowed his blue eyes, skepticism horribly taking over his system. He opened, then closed, his mouth about fifteen separate times, mouthed obscenities, then insults, then blasphemies, before finally settling on a very, very simple,

"What."

The Buffalo in front of him looked his way with a slight turn of his massive head. The multi-feathered headdress bobbed to and fro with his movement, aided by the dust-covered ceiling fan spinning slowly above the two. Chief Thunderhooves hummed, a low note emanating much louder thanks to the confinement of the small building—actually, now that Delirious thought of it, more a little station than anything considered concrete—that was Sheriff Silverstar's office. The blinding sunlight peeking in from the open shutters placed horizontal lines across the wooden floor marred by scratches, scuffs, and oh shit was that whiskey?

"You have Barkhide, Aych-Two-Oh," the Chief finally replied, diverting Delirious' gaze from the floor to his black eyes.

"You keep saying that, but I don't know what the hell that means," Delirious replied, leaning forward in his chair with a glare drawing on his brow.

Thunderhooves about-faced without warning, stomping over to Delirious and snatching hold of his foreleg with the might and fury of the train outside that had just pulled into the town not ten minutes ago. The Buffalo turned his leg around in his grasp and showed him the leaf still poking out of the skin.

"This leaf. It does not move, and it will not come off." He let go and shook his head, an effort that made it look like he was waggling off water like a soaked canine. "You were bit by a Timberwolf, and have contracted their Barkhide." Delirious opened his mouth to, again, question what it was, but was halted by Thunderhooves' obvious noticing and explanation, "In the span of the next few moons, your body will harden and become like bark, mirroring the beasts that attacked you."

Author's Note

Fuck you FIMf, this counts as a chapter. There's barely story there, but it's there.

Anyway you guys, more of you read the story than my blogs simply because you're smarter than that. I dunno about this story anymore. It's become nothing more than stress to me, and something that I have to slog through to actually finish whenever I sit down to write it. I know that's entirely my fault, putting storyline where you guys only want explosions, cursing, and action, and I've only made it worse by, well, making it worse.

I know it's horribly ungrateful, and just downright fucking rude to do so because I wouldn't be here without you all, but I think I might have to pull the plug.

I can't go and balance two main things with a job and all that, and I find much more fun writing other things than I do this. Maybe I'll decide otherwise, because killing it is really last resort and is something I SERIOUSLY don't wanna do, and I really love you guys and constantly thank you for the continued support of my dumb bullshittery.

I'm so sorry, all. Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. I guess we'll have to see. :heart:

Something Out Of Nothing

"Good morning, Apple Bloom! Time to wake up now!"

The filly groaned, positioning herself away from the now open door to her room, her sister standing there idly with an excited grin on her face. Keeping the same expression, she slowly inched toward the light switch, flicking it on with a simple twitch of her hoof and watching as her little sister growled in annoyance and fumbled in her sheets.

"C'mon Apple Bloom, we got less than a week until summer harvest, don't'cha wanna be a big pony and help me now?"

Her sister suddenly appeared from underneath her sheets, mane frazzled and her bow completely sideways as she glared in frustration at her big sister.

"Ah'm a big pony, and big ponies need their sleep."

Applejack, her expression unchanged from the wide, open mouth grin plastered on her face, blinked three times before she slowly walked out, focusing on nothing but the filly still glaring at her until she shut the door, swinging around and giving a large sigh in the still dark hallway. Green irises scanning the pictures and antiques lining the walls, Applejack lowered her head to the ground before giving a small, "Ah, ponyfeathers."

The mare turned her head and trotted toward the staircase to the downstairs, intending to at least have a quick bite before bucking that day. Descending the stair, the old wood creaking in her wake, Applejack walked to the cupboard and pulled out a bowl, before turning tail and reaching for the bag of oats sitting next to the table. Grasping it in her teeth, she threw it onto the table and poured the contents into the bowl.

Swinging herself onto the green chair, she reached for a spoon and coiled her hoof around it before shoving it into the bowl and taking a bite. As she chewed, the events of the day reemerged in her mind.

Six days until the summer harvest left, which meant that the mare and her brother would have to work double time to prepare. The western area would need the most attention, as it bore the most amount of trees, and had more apples growing on each, if what she had counted the last year was any worth.

She may not have made it out to her friends, but Applejack was very statistical when it came to her apple trees.

She kept count of the total amount of apples collected each and every day.

She counted the days leading up to every harvest by the hour.

And every new tree planted? She added them up as well.

Attempting to scoop another spoonful of oats, the mare heard a low scraping sound. Brow raised, she looked down, a frown on her face. The bottom of the bowl met her gaze, the mare sighing in discontent at not even being able to enjoy her breakfast.

Musta been thinkin' too hard. Ah'm sure it'll all be fine.

Getting up, Applejack bit into the bowl, carrying it over to the sink and plopping it inside with a huff. Turning around, Applejack gave a small smile, trotting toward the front door in silence, so as to not disturb the old green mare softly snoring on the rocking chair in the living room. Her steps were slow, her legs ached, but she still continued on as if it didn't hinder her.

The mare barely stepped a hoof over the threshold before she stopped, blinking rapidly in confusion.

Looking up, she reached a free hoof out and raised it over her head, tapping it lightly.

The mare blinked in silence.

Turning her head, Applejack found a familiar brown hat propped atop one of the stands next to the staircase. She blinked yet again, before she slowly trotted over and stood before it, eyeing it in the moonlight peeking in through the windows. Quickly placing her Stetson onto her head, she turned, stopping midway as she found herself peering into a mirror.

A pair of bags were nestled underneath her eyes, the eye lids trying their hardest to remain open as they twitched in anticipation. Her mane was battered, frazzled, as messy as a pig in the rain, each and every strand sticking out in opposite directions. If a certain white mare had seen her then and there, Applejack could count on her springing into action with a brush materialized out of nowhere in particular.

Applejack gave a chuckle as she smiled at her reflection.

Heh, six A.M. wakin' up in the mornin'.

Wheeling around, the mare stalked past the still sleeping old mare to her right, before opening the door and stepping into the warm air of the summertime. Standing as still as a statue, Applejack gave a large grin, admiring the fruits of her labor, before she sprinted to the first set of trees, eager to work hard on the events of the day.

"Applejack, Ah overslept!"

The red stallion stopped in his tracks, breathing heavily as he lulled his tongue out and stood quietly, his sister staring at him oddly, a hind leg raised in anticipation for her next buck and the rising sun's light illuminating her body.

Mac's heart beat twice, the low whisking of the wind against his body being his only answer before Applejack spoke.

"Yeah, Ah know."

"But Ah'm not supposed to oversleep!" Mac practically shouted, trotting over with a look of anger, "Ah don't want you workin' out here by yourself. It's dangerous-"

"Nothin' ain't gonna happen to me out here, Big Macintosh. What's the worst that could-"

Mac looked to the sky, the hay stalk in his mouth sticking into the air, "Don't even start that. Ah don't need another accident like last harvest."

His sister gave a short gasp, replying, "Now that ain't fair. That wasn't mah fault-"

"We still had ta clean the barn for three days."

Applejack rolled her eyes, "Big Macintosh?"

"Yes, Applejack?"

"Ah'm here now, aren't Ah? I can handle myself."

"Looks to me," Mac said, giving a concerned look toward his sibling, "like you need a rest."

The mare gave a swift buck into the tree behind her, the fruit in the branches launching themselves into the buckets sitting idly underneath them and bouncing out. Looking toward them, the orange mare blew heavily through her nose and grit her teeth, growling at them before cursing under her breath.

As she began to trot over to the fallen apples, she felt a hoof stop her in her tracks. Peering to her right, she barked, "Mac, move yer hoof-"

"No."

"Why not?"

Big Macintosh gave the mare an unimpressed look, "Look at me."

The mare, continuing to stare toward the apples lying in the grass, growled, "Fine."

She turned her head toward her brother, who gave a soft comment, "You look horrible," noting the large bags hanging underneath her eyes and the sweat flowing from her forehead.

"You really need to take a break."

"There's a lot to do-"

"And Ah can do it."

Applejack stared at her brother, breathing heavily.

"Ah-"

"Go take a break. Ah'll pick up the work," he interrupted with a smile, his sister gazing at him, "Ah need to make up for what Ah missed sleepin' in anyway. Have you even had a drink?"

Applejack cleared her throat, suddenly noticing how dry it was, "Yes."

Mac stared at her, his brow raised in obvious doubt.

"...no."

"Stop workin' so hard. You're startin' to sound delirious," he commented, rubbing Applejack's mane with his hoof.

"Yeah... maybe just a little. Alright."

"Go on inside and ask Granny to cook you somethin' real quick, okay?"

The mare smiled, "Fine. But Ah'll be back in a couple o' minutes, so don't you dare get workin' on the western crops."

Big Macintosh gave a grin in return, "No promises. Get along now."

Turning her head, Applejack trotted off toward the house, the sunlight peeking in through the leaves and the branches of the trees keeping pace with her. Giving a short laugh of realization, Applejack wondered how long she had been up and about since six o' clock that morning, bucking apples and keeping fancy mathematics jumbled inside her mind. A sudden surge of pain coursed through her head, the mare stopping suddenly as she raised a hoof to her forehead, growling in anger as it evolved to much higher levels.

Her eyes snapped open.

Her head wasn't hurting from labor.

Raising an eyebrow in curiosity, she suddenly grew aware of a loud sound emerging from her right.

Slowly turning toward the source, she could make it out.

"Holy shit! Someone help me Goddammit!"

Her eyes widened. Turning to the barn a ways away, she quickly sprinted over to the wall, retrieving her lasso from its peg alongside the rest of the farm tools. As she returned to the source's location, she began to spin it above her head in preparation for what she was about to face.

"They're gonna fuckin' kill me! Holy shiiiiiiiiiit!"

And then Applejack saw it.

Out of a small hole in between a group of trees emerged a lone pony, the mare catching the sight of his blue coat sprinting in her direction. Despite what she saw as wings on his sides, the stallion instead opted to run as fast as he could toward Applejack, who sat in utter terror of what was chasing him.

The trees that the stallion had emerged from suddenly fell to the sides, a trio of Timberwolves jumping out of the new clearing, roaring in anger at the pegasus currently fleeing from their clutches. They charged, six pairs of legs and six pairs of bearing teeth hurdling toward the stallion at incredible speeds.

As he drew closer, Applejack noticed that he had an odd mask strapped to his face, covering any indication of the face underneath it as the pony almost sprinted past her, suddenly tripping on a root a few yards away from her. Gasping, Applejack watched as the Timberwolves gained speed, anticipating a kill.

A kill she wouldn't let transpire.

Sprinting past the downed pegasus, Applejack twirled her lasso, once, twice, three times, before throwing it toward the nearest Timberwolf, catching it on the ear. Ducking, she caused the rope to pull the Timberwolf to the Earth, his adjacent pack member tripping over him, both collapsing onto the ground and howling at each other.

Looking up, she found the outstretched paw of a Timberwolf, the mare too slow in realizing its intent before she was flung a few feet away from the blow, landing face first into the dirt. Quickly getting up, she snorted air out of her nostrils and sprinted back to the Timberwolf, barely reaching the Everfree creature before it had a chance to gobble up the pegasus, throwing herself onto its muzzle and punching a hoof into its glowing green eye.

The Timberwolf fell to the floor, the mare atop it jumping clear off and away from danger as it reeled in pain on the floor, before it suddenly fell apart, its only remnants being a large scattering of sticks and leaves on the grass by her hooves. Giving a cocky grin, the mare raised a brow, "How do ya like them apples-"

A large weight threw itself into her, knocking the wind out of her and causing her to collapse onto the floor.

Looking up, her face froze in terror.

A Timberwolf glared down at her, its eyes almost blinding her as she was trapped by its claws. Suppressing the urge to gag from the creature's breath, she stole a glance toward the lasso still dangling from the wolf's ear. As if sensing the motion, it swung the end of the rope toward its mouth, before taking a bite out of it and slurping it up like a noodle, finishing it off with a slurp of challenge to the mare lying on the ground below him.

Applejack shut her eyes.

"Get away from her you fuckin' bitch!"

A loud crack sounded out next to her.

The mare slowly opened her eyes, watching as the Timberwolf sat in silence, no longer growling, a large chunk of bark missing from its head. It turned its head to the mare's right, before an object appeared in full swing, crashing into the Timberwolf and taking off part of its muzzle, knocking it to the floor in a heap.

The blue stallion stalked past her, a silver, metallic baseball bat that he did not have before grasped in his teeth, his mask slightly raised to better access the blunt weapon. His wings, still clamped to his sides, blocked any sign of his Cutie Mark, a long, black tail swishing after him as he stood over the Timberwolf. Raising the bat, he was about to end the Timberwolf's life, only being stopped by the sudden shout of the orange mare still laying on the ground.

"Wait, don't!"

The stallion turned to look at her slowly as he spit the bat onto the ground, the white mask sliding back down onto his face and staring at her in silence, before he asked, "What?"

The Timberwolf below him threw its two forelegs up, flinging the pony and his baseball bat high into the air as he screamed in fright, "I'M FUCKING FLYIIIIIIING!" before he disappeared into the cloud layer above them. As the Timberwolf looked back to the orange mare on the ground, who smiled nervously at him, the sound of the stallion's screams slowly drew back, until he suddenly landed onto the creature, practically hitting it to the ground and scattering its remains onto the grass around the two, ending his fall with a loud, "Goddammit!"

Applejack slowly got up, turning her head to the sound of her brother sprinting through the trees to her, his eyes and mouth wide open in what he had just missed. Hearing a growl, she turned to her left and found the remaining Timberwolf howling at her, before it turned tail and fled into the woods, disappearing into the Everfree with a roar of sorrow for its fallen comrades.

Big Macintosh slowly trotted over to his sister, still breathing heavily from what she had just survived, "Thank Faust, are you alright AJ?"

Giving a chuckle, the mare winked at her brother before reaffirming him, "Ah'm fine, no thanks to Mr. Pegasus here," looking toward the stallion still laying spread-eagle on the grass, she added, "You, uh, you alright Sugarcube?"

The stallion suddenly rose, his head shakily raising itself from the grass as he looked at the two ponies staring at him with looks of concern on their faces, the permanent frown on his mask hiding his true feelings as the three sat in silence.

"He seems a little out of it-"

"Hey Sugarcube, you look like you haven't had water in a long time. Are you delirious?"

Applejack and Big Macintosh stared down at the stallion, who looked from Applejack, to Mac, and then to Applejack again, before tiredly admitting, "Yeah, that's me," before passing out.

Author's Note

Something I decided to write out of a stupid, crazy idea from awhile ago. Was curious to see the reception it'd get, so I decided to publish it and see where it went. Don't take this too seriously. :rainbowlaugh:

The Chapter Where Nothing Exciting Happens

Applejack frowned. Staring down at the paper, she scrunched her eyes to confirm her thoughts. Looking back up at the stallion behind the desk, she sighed heavily and gave him a tired look.

"How much?"

The sheriff adjusted the hat atop his head with a smile on his face. "Two hundred," he said matter-of-factly.

Applejack faltered for a brief second before she sighed once more, reaching into the saddlebags by her side and retrieving a small coin-purse. Placing it on the table, she eyed its contents for a second of her time, and promptly turned the bag over, the bits spilling onto the table and splattering every which way. The sheriff looked up at her with a hint of glee on his lips, only to see her staring at him, a completely unimpressed look on her face.

He stared at her for two seconds, before he tipped his blue hat, cleared his throat, and swept the bits closer to his side of the desk as if the mare would swoop in and grab them if he left them where they landed. Clearing his throat once again, he threw a hoof out to his right and said almost too quickly, "He's back there."

Applejack tipped her hat, replacing it atop her head with a glare and an icy edge in her voice, "Thank ya kindly, Sheriff." Walking briskly past the stallion at the desk, she walked down the hallway, intent on giving her victim an earful for landing himself in jail once again, only to halt midstep, screeching along the concrete at her hooves and staring dumbfounded at what she saw.

"Apple Bloom?"

She looked to her sister's left.

"Scootaloo?"

Looking toward the cell door, she added.

"Sweetie Belle...?"

The three fillies didn't even give her the time of day until she stepped closer, her sister suddenly calling cheerily, "Hey sis, what'cha doin' here?"

A look of confusion on her face, she slowly tread into the jail room, finding a small mess on the floor. Looking at her sister, she said simply, "Ah could ask y'all the same thing. What are ya doin'-"

"Making a cape," Scootaloo said from Apple Bloom's side, not even turning to look at the older mare as the sound of scissors snipping filled the room.

"For who?"

"For Delirious," Apple Bloom chimed in almost immediately, pieces of red fabric in her hooves. As she grumbled something inaudible, she looked to her left and called, "Hey, Sweetie Belle?"

The Unicorn filly sat on a stool against Delirious' cell door, a roll of measuring tape around her neck and another roll currently enveloped in her magic, sliding around Delirious' neck in kind. She turned not one bit either as she responded, "Yeah, Apple Bloom?"

Apple Bloom raised two pieces of fabric into the air in front of her, adjusting their height like a weight counter. "What kinda red is th' bottom part? Sangria or Burgundy?"

Sweetie Belle sighed dramatically. "Apple Bloom?"

"Yeah, Sweetie Belle?"

"Do me a favor and look at the bottom of your cape."

"Uh..." She droned, a look of pure confusion on her face as she whipped around, lifting her cape up with a hoof. Finding the bottom, she stared at its gold color.

"Now tell me, what kind of red is that?"

Apple Bloom stared blankly into space, her lips flat as she gave the ground a dumb look. Finally, she placed the pieces of fabric on the ground and picked up the nearby golden fiber, grumbling something under her breath.

Applejack stood against the wall, her tongue against her cheek. Replacing it, she swallowed and asked, "How long have y'all been here?"

"Couple hours," Scootaloo said, her back still turned to her. She continued to snip away.

"Really...?"

"Yup," her sister said, pulling out a sewing machine from behind her and turning it on.

Applejack raised an eyebrow, "Apple Bloom you don't even know how to use one of-"

WHIRRRRRRRRRRRR

Applejack straightened herself, a blank look on her face.

The machine stopped.

Apple Bloom held a piece of red and golden fabric in her hooves. Suddenly looking up at her big sister, she asked, "What didja say, sis? Couldn't hear ya over the sewin' machine."

Applejack blinked rapidly, and said quickly, "Nothin', Apple Bloom." Looking to the ground, she suddenly perked up and added, "Where'd ya learn how ta-"

WHIRRRRRRRRRRRR

Thwarted once again, she looked at Scootaloo and waited for the machine to stop. As it halted, she spoke, "Hey, Scootaloo."

"What's up?" She asked, seemingly not interested as she continued her work.

Applejack drew her head back, caught off guard. ".....what are you doin' in all this?"

Scootaloo's scissors snipped. Loudly. "What kind of question is that-"

"A normal one."

The filly sat in silence, her head barely turned the mare's way. Four seconds passed, and an answer was given.

"I'm cutting stuff."

Applejack adjusted the hat atop her head, focusing on the Pegasus filly. "Ah can... er, see that. Which, uh... which pieces ya-"

SUH-NIP

Applejack gulped, and she hadn't an idea why. Looking over at Sweetie Belle, she thought she could get an answer from the voice of reason.

"Sweetie Belle?"

She sighed, her horn lit as the measuring tape moved around Delirious' neck. "Yes, Applejack?"

Geez, she's really turnin' into her sister. Applejack thought. Coughing into a hoof, she requested, "Ya mind tellin' me what y'all're doin'? Y'all shouldn't even be back here." Catching the sight of Quick Time napping in the corner, she added, "Criminals, an' all that-"

"We're making Delirious here a cape."

Applejack raised a hoof to ask why.

"He doesn't have a cutie mark, so we made him a Crusader. And when we pay his bail, we'll get him out of here and help him get his Cutie Mark."

"Delirious doesn't have a Cutie Mark? Huh." Shaking her head, she realized what the filly had said, "Wait wait wait, how did y'all think you were gonna pay for his bail? It's two hundred bits-"

Something loud shook itself into her head. Turning to her left, she found Scootaloo, still turned away from her as she shook a small burlap sack in the air, the familiar sound of bits tinking together filling the air. Raising a brow, she turned back to Sweetie Belle.

"And just where did y'all get two hundred bits from?"

"It's actually about two-hundred and seventy-four bits," Sweetie Belle explained matter-of-factly. Hearing no response, she turned quickly, "We did some summer work this year and saved it up for Crusaders equipment, but getting Delirious here out is a lot more important. No Crusader Left Behind, Mother Bucker."

"Excuse me?"

"Why are you here, Applejack?"

The mare looked down at her sister. "Ah already paid Delirious' bail outta mah pocket change. Ah came back here so Ah could get 'im out-"

Scootaloo suddenly got up without a word, startling Applejack, who stepped out of the way involuntarily. Watching worriedly as the Pegasus filly walked past her and down the hallway, she perked her ears up.

"Hey li'l miss. What're ya-"

CRASH

"Hey! Those're my-"

CHH

Silence.

"Pleasure doin' business with ya."

Hoofsteps echoed down the hallway, and sure enough, Scootaloo reappeared, burlap sack dragging behind her. She turned, like a hawk, to Applejack. "Open your saddlebags."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Applejack complied, turning her head and unclasping the buckle with her teeth. "There," she said, looking back up at Scootaloo. The filly walked over to her without another word, turning the burlap sack completely upside down and flooding her saddlebags with her two-hundred bits. Looking inside, shocked, Applejack turned to Scootaloo. "You paid with your own bits-"

"Yup," the filly replied, walking back to her scissors and fabric.

"Ya said ya had two-hundred and seventy-four. Where's th' change?"

Scootaloo halted mid-step, holding a hoof in the air. Turning her head slowly, she simply said, "Not yours to worry about," and fell to her haunches, resuming her work of cutting the cape's pieces up.

With the whirring of Apple Bloom's sewing machine, the snipping of Scootaloo's scissors, and the humming of Sweetie Belle's vocals, Applejack blinked in silence, and finally glanced at Delirious, a soft smile on her lips. He didn't even look at her, his expression dark and looking to be completely fed up with everything, crossing his forelegs and sitting on his haunches in a scary hush.

"Delirious?"

He gave no response.

"Are you... are you okay there, Sugarcube?"

He turned toward her, glaring. He growled down in his throat somewhere, and turned back, like an automaton.

"Yer bail's up, so Ah guess y'all can get out now," Applejack said, stepping toward the jail door quickly. Reaching a hoof up to touch the handle, she watched as Sweetie Belle delivered a small smack to the appendage. Recoiling slightly, Applejack seethed. "Sweetie Belle-"

"Yes."

She said it like it was an answer, not a question.

Applejack frowned heavily, unsure of what was going on. Taking a step back, she coughed into a free hoof and wiped her brow, "Whoo! It sure is... uh... hot in here..."

"Apple Bloom-"

"It's currently seventy-two degrees outside, with a slight chance of clouds."

"Thank you, Apple Bloom," Sweetie replied, marking a spot on her measuring tape.

WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

SNIP

"Ah'll... uh... wait outside."

Applejack stepped back uneasily, and turned tail, cantering down the hallway and crossing into the Sheriff's office once more. The stallion behind the wooden desk perked up, looking at her in silence. A large pile of bits sat next to him, scattered across his desk.

"Uh..."

"Ah ain't askin'," Applejack spoke, walking past him and to the row of chairs lining the wall. Taking a seat, she sighed heavily, frowning at nothing in particular. Looking around for something to keep her busy, the silence of the office and the ceiling fan met her gaze. Rolling her eyes, she glared at the floor. Left with nothing to do, she placed her cheeks into her hooves, shut her eyes, and decided to get some rest.

Applejack awoke to the sound of hoofsteps clicking against concrete. Straightening herself in her seat, she wiped the drool from her mouth and looked toward the entrance to the jail cells. Two heartbeats later, Delirious walked out in silence, a large red cape around his neck. Behind him emerged Sweetie Belle, followed by Apple Bloom. Scootaloo pulled up the rear, and suddenly stopped as the other three halted in the middle of the room, turning toward the Sheriff as one.

He gulped. Loudly.

Delirious hissed like an animal, eyes narrowed in feral anger. Pulling his head back, he watched as Scootaloo walked past the three, standing in front of the Sheriff's desk, still as a statue. Eyes peering down at the surface, she glanced back up at the stallion. Suddenly, she threw a foreleg across his desk, the papers previously atop it now flying into the air. The Sheriff got up out of his chair slightly, but sat back down as Delirious hissed again.

Scootaloo smiled slyly at the uniformed stallion, her eyes peering to her right. Swiftly, she grabbed the can of soda, downing it in a few short gulps. Throwing it back down on the desk, she looked to her left and found his cup of pencils and pens. Picking one up, she held it in two hooves. Applying pressure, she snapped it in half and looked for a reaction in the Sheriff's face. Finding the already prior look of fear, she dropped the pencil halves on the floor, turned on her heel, and joined the other three as they filed out of the Sheriff's Office.

Applejack stood in silence, a look of shock on her face. Looking over to the Sheriff, he slunk back in his seat, avoiding her gaze. Narrowing her eyes and scanning the area in front of her, she looked back at him, smiled, and tipped her hat with a chillingly cheerful call.

"G'day, Sheriff."

Author's Note

See? You should have listened. Here's this week's chapter. I got it done early, and I had a really hard time saving it for this Friday.

The Still Volcano Choir

The Harvest was just about finished.

This surprised Applejack to no end. Usually, the Summer Harvest would take a little over a week to finish, and even if her friends were present and Big Macintosh was on overtime, that time would be reduced to six days at best. And that also counted on the weather agreeing with them and the sun not being too much of a pain. What with it being summer - hence the name Summer Harvest - times were hot and clouds were cold. Good in thought, definitely bad in execution.

But this year, she had Delirious and his friends.

And this year, the Harvest had been completed in a matter of two days. Applejack wasn't entirely sure if that was because she whipped them into shape whenever they screwed around, or if it was because she fed them free food and they managed somehow. She didn't really want to discredit them, to be honest. They were helpful, and they achieved something she didn't ever think possible. It was a good idea to keep in mind that Sweet Apple Acres stretched for, well, acres of land.

But they still did it.

And that Harvest was just about finished.

Her train of thought returned back to its home station, and Applejack's green eyes lifted up and into the tree standing in the sunlight above her. Its green leaves swayed in the light wind, the wispy rustling reaching her eyes and giving her an odd sense of nostalgia. These were sounds she was used to. These were sounds she had heard all her life. She shut her eyes and imagined a better life, but could not. A smile crept onto her lips, and as she opened her eyes yet again, the tree came back into full view.

Creasing her cheek with her grin, she took a few steps toward it and eyed it up cautiously.

This was it.

The final tree.

"Just about" was mostly equivalent to "it's literally right here and we're done".

Applejack liked trees.

Everything about them.

Their life span, their leaves, their bark, their smell, their... everything.

Mostly what they bore, though.

Be it oranges, or apples.

Heh.

Apples and oranges.

She never really thought about it that way.

Applejack blinked, and this time she found the fruit of her profession sitting directly above her, nestled in the branches of the Final Tree. It was an odd thought, and she couldn't have shook it that easy.

She hummed a short tune.

Apples and oranges.

They couldn't be compared, as went the saying.

But, they could couldn't they?

They were both fruits.

They both had seeds.

And, as Applejack stepped forward once more, she also noted that they were both grown from trees. So apples and oranges could be compared after all, and their similarities were... easy. She frowned, wondering how such a popular expression could be so easily thwarted and disproved. Applejack shook her head.

She wasn't one for expressions anyhow.

But, apples and oranges...

They were apparently opposites.

Applejack gave a soft smile.

It reminded her of Delirious and her. Or of Vanoss and her. Or of Wildcat, or Nogla, and her. They were different. They weren't like her, not in the slightest. They enjoyed different things. They had different favorite things. They were different genders, different kinds of ponies. They came from different places. They were all nothing like her.

Especially Delirious.

Heh.

Applejack's smile deepened.

Apples and oranges.

A hoof involuntarily flew to her head, wiping the involuntary sweat off her brow and involuntarily flinging it to the ground by her hooves, where it collected on a patch of grass before sinking into the dirt beneath. She watched it go, strangely fixated. Shaking her head lightly, she looked back up and knitted her brow. No time to wander off, the Final Tree was standing right there, and she had a job to finish.

Yup.

She turned around, pushing her forelegs into the ground and leaning forward.

Apples and oranges.

A lot had changed since Delirious had arrived, and at that thought Applejack suddenly stopped and lowered her previously rising hindlegs. Placing all four hooves back onto the grass, she blinked rapidly. Had a lot changed since then? Thinking back to it, Delirious had only sprang up a little less than a week ago. Had her life been altered in those few days? Was it for the better? Could it possibly be for the worst?

Applejack liked trees.

But this tree's branches were growing, and they were growing too fast.

Pushing away the thought, she focused on more important things and swiveled around to look at the tree once more.

Boundless and bare.

She blinked.

Fixed and full.

Applejack cleared her throat.

That was weird.

She felt her head swim, and so raised a hoof to touch it carefully. As it subsided painfully, she shook her head yet again and leaned forward on her forelegs. Holding her breath in, she waited for three seconds, paused, and let it out in tandem with the full force of her hindlegs. As the hooves connected with the wood, she heard the unmistakable sounds of apples falling into baskets, and so she smiled. Wiping her brow, she looked to the sky and watched as the sun winked at her from behind the Macintosh Mountains.

She winked back, and turned tail to collect the apple baskets. Leaning over, she picked the first one up with her teeth and about-faced, depositing them in the nearby wagon. Her thoughts were clear, well, as clear as they could be when the idea of dinner slowly grew in her mind. And food soon became a major thought of hers, and so she quickly threw the remaining baskets into the cart and smiled to nopony but herself.

The Harvest was finished.

And so Applejack grinned.

"Are you fuckin' done yet? Jesus Christ we've been sitting here on our asses for like five minutes while you watched the sky move."

THWACK

"Ow! Asshole-"

"Shut up Wildcat."

Applejack looked.

Rainbow Dash hovered impatiently. Sweetie Belle dealt. Scootaloo looked at her cards and smiled. Apple Bloom looked at hers and frowned. Nogla quietly lay on his back. Vanoss pat his stomach. Wildcat yawned.

And Delirious grinned at her from underneath his mask.

She had seen it enough times to know when it happened.

She chuckled.

Buckin' weirdos.

She waved a hoof, and the group gained interest in a matter of milliseconds. Straightening themselves, they waited for Applejack.

And Applejack gave them what they wanted.

"...Fine, let's go get some dinner y'all..."

The cheer rang out, and Applejack was happy.

Heh.

Apples and oranges, huh?

Author's Note

It's a good song. Trust me. Sorry about the short and shitty chapter, I've got good plans for the next one.

Noun. A Deranged State Of The Mind Usually Occurring As A Specific Disorder.

Author's Note

Outta My Mind Title Update 4.3

Better Story!

More Accurate Characterizations!

Hopefully Not-As-Shitty Author Bullshit!

Miscellaneous Fixes

Fixed an issue where certain gates would launch players into the air.

General fixes to improve game and network stability.

Noun. A Deranged State Of The Mind Usually Occurring As A Specific Disorder.

Her hooves caught on the lips of the rocks, her back legs propelling her upward as she continued to scale the massive wall. Careful to make sure her tail didn't get caught underneath her rear hooves, the young mare grit her teeth tightly, looked up, and shook her head with an expelling of breath as she realized how close she was to the summit. Her goggled eyes scanned the area directly atop her waiting forelegs. Finding a promising grouping of sediment, she breathed out and swung up to it, catching it and advancing further up. Continuing her action, she finally vaulted over the top of the rock wall, standing on top of the small outcropping that marked the highest point of the edge.

Looking around for a short while, she looked toward the ground and jumped onto the dirt. Remaining at a standing position, she raised a foreleg up to her goggles. Sliding them up onto her forehead, Apple Bloom furrowed her brow and gave a cocky grin.

"Kept ya waitin', huh?"

A hoof suddenly bipped her in the back of the head. Looking up at the source, she found an odd red Earth Pony with an owl mask glaring at her. Presumably rolling his eyes underneath it, he looked in her direction and extended a hoof her way.

"Can I have those back now?"

Apple Bloom drew her head back with a frown, but relented not a moment later. With a sigh, she took the night-vision goggles off her head and dropped them into Vanoss' waiting hoof. As he placed them into his dick, Vanoss spun around and watched as Apple Bloom proceeded to join the others out of the corner of his eye. Eyes looking toward the rest of town, he gave a large sigh. Following the young mare's example, he trotted up from behind Wildcat, who jumped when he looked to his right and found him dwarfing his figure.

"Aah!"

Vanoss snickered, "Oh come on man, really?"

The pig glowered, "Hey, fuck you–"

"Could y'all stop screwin' around for a second and be quiet?" Applejack turned her head, an unimpressed look on her face, "Ah'm tryin' ta figure out how in the hay we're gonna get across that bridge. None of us are Pegasi, and Ah don't think Nogla here is up to the task of teleportin'."

The bagged stallion suddenly took a step forward, his paper mask crinkling loudly, "What's that supposed ta mean?! I can..." he blinked, taking his steps back, "I can teleport..."

Lui raised a hoof to his monkey mask's right ear, leaning it toward Nogla as he refrained from bursting out laughing, "What was that? You can what, Nogla?"

Nogla shuffled, "I can teleport."

Vanoss chuckled, "You goddamn liar. How about a demonstration, janitor?"

Nogla about-faced, glaring at his gathering of friends. The top of his mask suddenly began to glow bright green from the inside.

Walking up to the group, Applejack simply raised a hoof and slapped the closest pony to her across the cheek. This individual turned out to be Wildcat, who shouted in response and rubbed the now bruised skin. Whimpering, he murmured, "Why is it always me?"

"For Gods' sake, do y'all ever stop fightin'?"

Lui blinked.

Nogla blinked.

Wildcat rubbed his cheek, blinking.

Vanoss blinked.

Applejack blinked.

"That a no...? Or..."

At once, in complete synchronization, the four stretched a leg to the back of their necks and scratched it idly. Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, looking up at her sister. She looked back, doing the same and nodding her head their way. Apple Bloom flattened her lips. Applejack squinted her eyes. Apple Bloom tilted her head to the right, a frown on her face as she shrugged.

Applejack turned around, rubbing a hoof on her chin as she hummed into the cloud-ridden sky. Examining what lay before her and her merry band of fellows, she flicked her ears around and groaned inwardly. Judging by the large rock wall they had just scaled, the cotton candy barrier that lay ahead of them, the bright pink ten-foot tall fence surrounding Ponyville, and the appearance of a massive group of Mareiachi players, Discord was having a bit of fun today. Why exactly he was on a streak today she had no real idea, but she passed it off as simple boredom and looked past the large, rushing river that sped past her directly ahead.

The river—which she now performed a double-take toward—was now what looked to be liquid chocolate. Whether or not it was truly chocolate remained to be seen or tested. Applejack decided that asking somepony to test it would only lead to further problems, and she sure as hay didn't need more of that at the moment. She widened her eyes for a split second. Oh right. Coughing into a hoof, Applejack puffed her chest out and began to stomp her way back toward the waiting stallions currently arguing with one another.

Stamping a hoof in the muddied sand—which triggered a disgusted urge that she promptly ignored—Applejack spoke.

"Alright! Listen up y'all–"

The gray layer of clouds above suddenly roared, releasing a torrent of lightning that struck the earth a little too close to the mare's position. Apple Bloom, who was next to her sister, now took a single, cautionary step back with her eyes the size of pinpricks. Applejack turned her attention back to the stallions, finding them staring at the large blackened spot with like expressions. She smirked inwardly and resumed.

"Listen up!" With her silence came a flurry of noises in the distance, most notably being the gentle strumming of guitars and basses and the horrific screams of ponies most likely losing either their homes or their entire head of pubic hair. Apple Bloom, who looked back and found that both of those were happening, decided not to speak up. A lump went down her throat.

Undeterred, Applejack growled, "This useless fightin' ends now! Ah dunno if y'all can see what we're up against, but there's a literal God o' Chaos wreakin' havoc in my town!" Lowering the hoof that she had stuck against her chest, she waited for a response and was immediately met with one.

"Wait what."

"You mean none of your guys' bullshit magic is doing all this?!"

"How the fuck do you even fight that."

Applejack smirked, swinging a foreleg as if she were skillfully digging a hole, "With friendship, pardner." Ignoring the exasperated groans that followed her absolute statement of truth, she continued, "An' the only way we're gettin' into town to stop this God o' Chaos is with friendship! Ya hear me?! The only way we're gettin' past this Gods damned cotton candy wall is by eatin' it together and all at once! Now, we're gonna have ta divide inta teams of two each!" Pointing at Lui, she shouted, "Lui! You an' Nogla take the left side about two feet from me!"

Beat.

The bagged stallion rose his voice to combat the roaring of the violent rain and thunder storm.

"WHAT?!"

"Ah told ya–"

Applejack stopped, feeling a poking at her side. Finding the source, she watched as Apple Bloom pointed a hoof toward the cotton candy wall. Pouting out her lower lip, she turned to find that a large, pimped-the-fuck-out gold and diamond encrusted bridge had suddenly descended from the heavens, completely leading them over the huge obstacles they all had mildly anticipated with equally mild but varying optimism. Applejack frowned as the four stallions stepped past with obvious glee in their step. Sticking his tail out, Vanoss attempted to trip up Lui, who instead caught his friend's trick and coiled a hoof around his neck, throwing him into the dirt with a squeaky laugh.

Shaking his head vigorously, the Canadian rose to his hooves and brought out a knife. Stabbing it forward, the one on the receiving end grabbed his offending hoof, struck him in the chest, caught the knife as it flew into the air, and chucked it clear across the grass into Nogla's ass cheek. As the Irishman screamed in pain and fell limp to the ground, Wildcat continued across the bridge completely undeterred. Vanoss and Lui, who cautiously stepped from opposite sides of the bridge from one another, did the same, ignoring the cries of agony coming from the downed green Unicorn with nothing but a knife handle stick out of his rear end.

Giving a sigh, Applejack adjusted her hat and motioned for Apple Bloom to follow suit. With a grin, her sister followed her as they began to walk across the bridge. Walking past Nogla, they listened to the sounds of the raging storm that brewed directly overhead. With the rain beating against their fur and the wind practically blowing their skin clean off, Applejack let out a dramatic frown as Apple Bloom smiled from ear to ear.

As with all super dumb kids, being in a dangerous situation was fuckin' sick to the latter.

Looking up, Bloom asked, "So what was all that back there 'bout that teamin' up and such?"

Applejack blinked, her eyes slowly revealing their large bags lying underneath them. Slowly shaking her head, she nipped aloud and replied, "Ah 'unno to be honest." Staring straight ahead, she widened her eyes in a vain attempt to convey life. Apple Bloom laughed as she walked ahead, eyes shut while she spoke.

"Y'all need ta start drinkin' more water, Applejack. You'll start goin' delirious."

Applejack suddenly slowed her pace.

Looking at her sister, she gave her the most serious look she could muster and simply replied.

"Fuck you."

That Sinking Feeling

What time was it, even?

He let go of the shot glass and towel prior levitating by his magic, craned his neck to look behind him, and stole a wondering glance at the clock hanging shittily above the wine shelf. With the sound of the dusty ceiling fan swinging dangerously around above his head, his nostrils invaded by the aroma of pure, unfiltered urine stains, and his head buzzing with the forewarnings of a blinding migraine, the Unicorn squinted in the bright light of the local bar counter and mouthed the numbers he read.

Thereafter, he spoke it audibly, in case the bugs and termites beneath his hooves were curious as well.

"Twelve-thirty-four in the morning." He pressed his lips against his cheeks in a straight-lined frown, then shook his head and sighed. Not to say that he honestly hated working such late shifts—because, quite frankly, free bits for sitting on his ass and sneaking a shot or two was actually pretty damn worthwhile—but it sure made an impact on his social skills. The only kinds of ponies who stumbled their way past the saloon doors at this time of night, or morning he guessed, were already drunk off their rockers, violently making out with another individual, or brandishing their flaccid cocks like they were knights of the fucking round table. Sometimes, this odd combination happened all at once, and it was more than hard as all hell to not just walk out and vomit in the nearby creek.

Turning his head back to the counter and the shot glass and towel before him, he let out another exasperated sigh and lit his horn once more. Sweet, sweet grumbles and mumbles escaped his green muzzle as he went back to work with the diligence of a hotel maid, with all the scrutiny and distaste that came with it. As his little towel scrubbed and wiped away with equally tiny squeaks and creaks, he busied himself further by pursing his lips and beginning a whistled tune that he'd heard the past week. It had been catchy as hell, and from that usual customer to boot, who he'd come to know was pretty damn good at on-the-spot show tunes.

He had only just started when he heard a loud rapping from somewhere nearby. His ears perked up in involuntary response, but, deeming it too distant to be the one adjacent to him, he returned to his sunken form and continued his job, albeit at a much quieter rate. He slightly turned his head around to look at the clock again, and hummed along to its ticks and tocks, incorporating it into his tune. It was much too early for who he was expecting; they wouldn't be back for another hour or two, if their prior excursions and munchies meant anything in the past.

He trailed off in his song as he, once again, heard the sound of rapping on a door. He narrowed his eyes and looked to his left, toward the door marked with the sign Employee's ONLY hanging poorly from its knob. Once more, and he'd know for certain.

From behind the exclusive door, he could swear that he'd heard a series of curses that would've rivaled Old Noteworthy over in Ponyville, and almost went over to make sure he wasn't hallucinating until he watched the oaken door rattle and thump with the force of a pony hoof. Letting go of his glass and towel, he cantered over to the entryway, looked to his left and to his right to make sure nopony else was around, and swiftly opened the door with his magic.

Immediately, he regretted it.

"Your fucking fault!"

"Don't fuckin' start, motherfucker! You wasted the gas doin' stupid fuckin' flips and shit–"

"You broke the fucking engine, you shitbird!"

"I'm a pig, you dumbass bitch!"

"Delirious is the bird!"

"Call me a bird again, you son of a bitch!"

He watched in a stunned silence as the—he counted, one, two, three, four, and five, then hummed in surprise—five individuals walked around him almost as if he were invisible, heading toward the center of the bar's main room with thunder on their hooves. The pig, pulling the lead, stared at the sky and shook his little piggy head as his supposed friends continued.

"Wildcat, admit that you fucked up! You can't fix shit!"

Wildcat spun around in an instant, fire in his eyes. "I fix my fuckin' four-wheeler and shit all the time! The fuck do you do, Mr. I-Quit-YouTube?"

The small colt in the monkey mask who Wildcat had addressed immediately shrank back, lips pouted out and his eyes wide. The beginnings of whimpers sputtered out of his mask.

"Why you gotta be so mean t' Lui, Wildcat? Wha'd he ever do to you?"

Wildcat sneered at the blue Pegasus. "He fuckin'... like, fuck!" His outburst afflicted Lui with a giggle. Noticing this, he shot a hoof at him and claimed, "He fuckin' didn't know how to fly!"

"What?" The bagged, green pony in the corner asked, "You wanted to take his job?"

"Hell no," Wildcat affirmed, looking at Delirious, "I woulda told Delirious to do it."

Delirious craned his neck back. Even underneath the mask, he was clearly doubtful of either himself, or Wildcat's claim.

Silence filled the bar as a casual peace arose from the previously heated argument, a well-deserved bliss for the Unicorn bartender still watching the group with bated breath. If they kept being so damn loud, a guard would get curious and find them out, and then they'd all be fucked. He hummed. Last time he'd checked, there were only four of them. The blue one was new, but looked like he'd been thrown into the Badlands for a month or so and washed up with the local War Colts. The mask over his face looked a lot dirtier than the tattered outfit draped around his body. As if sensing the bartender's thoughts, the apparent Delirious gave a loud sigh and began wriggling out of his ensemble with the groans of a foal getting out of their snow gear to take a long-awaited piss.

He threw the robes onto the floor and began fanning himself by yanking at the collar of his dusty blue sweater.

"Might wanna take those off at some point," the red-coated... owl said, looking at Delirious.

He cocked his head. "Yeah, I gotta get it clean here soon–"

"No, I mean, like, hide them or throw them away."

Delirious stopped, his hoof hovering over the zipper. "Vanoss, what the fuck are you–"

"The police know our clothes," Lui chimed in from the other side of the half-hearted circle, "and even though we'd be pretty damn noticeable in a crowd anyway, they won't be able to spy us across a street."

Delirious looked down at his hoodie and stayed there. He looked back up, sucking air in through his nose as his eyes darted about almost wildly.

"Any little bit helps. I already threw my fuckin' shirt away, and I loved that thing," Wildcat said, nodding toward the front door.

"Kinda miss bein' a janitor," the bagged one admitted in a dumb tone.

"What, you miss mopping up piss and shit from kindergarteners all day, Nogla?"

Nogla nodded. "Smell was pretty nice."

The four laughed with each other, Nogla joining in with deep chuckles of his own soon afterward.

"That's sick as fuuuck, dude," Wildcat beamed, shaking his head.

The bartender coughed into a hoof involuntarily, startled and fueled by the dust permeating the recycled air of the establishment. Before, he would've been more than happy to just give them their drinks if they needed any and not speak to them, but now they all turned to him with sudden interest. He frowned at once.

"Oh shit, who's that?" Delirious asked, going into a low stance and pressing a hoof against his stomach.

The bartender raised an eyebrow. Had one of them really not seen him as they walked in? What kind of situational awareness was that?

"Oh, that's Jeeves–"

"My name is Clean Shake. It's not Jeeves, whoever the hell that may be," the bartender replied, passively aggressively.

Wildcat leaned over to Delirious and whispered in his ear loud enough for Clean to hear, "We still call him Jeeves."

Clean Shake sucked in a breath and let it out calmly, then opened his eyes to find Delirious unzipping his jacket as he and the others stepped toward the bar stools. Turning around, he lit his horn and asked to the wall, "What would you all like?"

"Just whatever. Today fuckin' blew," Wildcat's voice called from behind him. Shrugging to himself, Clean flexed his chin and magicked whatever he could off the shelf at random. Rotating around again, he placed them on the countertop with a resounding bout of clinks and took some shot glasses out for the group. If there was anything to look forward to, it was the five of them getting piss drunk and possibly falling down the stairs to their hideout in the basement. Stopping for a second as he judged the five glasses before him, Clean muttered a curse to himself and got another out for him.

Maybe he needed a drink too.

They each hopped up into their seats, Wildcat and Lui having a bit of a harder time than the others due to their small statures, but eventually leaned forward and anxiously awaited their coming drinks. Delirious sat at the far right of Clean, closer to the rest of the bar's main room, as if he wanted to have a quick escape route to the front door. Noting the desert-coated clothes on the floor, Clean deduced that that was probably exactly what Delirious wanted.

Clean magicked the shot glasses out and began pouring a case of Pupper Wine into them, eyeing Delirious all the while just to see what he'd do.

Delirious dipped his neck as he finally, though hesitantly, yanked off his sweater. Coiling it up into an audible ball, he dumped it on the counter next to him and sighed at the red knot around his neck.

Clean, cocking an eyebrow, wondered what it was.

Delirious, on the other hand, remembered what it was, and placed a hoof against it solemnly. Prodding the inside of his cheek with his tongue, he wrestled the cape round his neck to get a look at the insignia still crudely stitched onto its back. His eyes and hooves suddenly felt a lot heavier than they had a second ago.

How were they, he wondered. He clearly hadn't left Ponyville, much less the whole country, better off with his stupid fucking crime spree. Lockdowns, and curfews, and bounty hunters. The fillies were probably scared as all fuck right now. They'd known him as their newest member, and they'd remember him as the murderer of a good friend of theirs. Lui had taken the shot, but Delirious had taken the hit. Big Macintosh was dead, and it was all his fucking fault. He didn't even know it was him at all. He had just looked like some lowlife thug robbing his town's bank, and he had tried to stop it because it was the right thing to do.

No one else had stood up, but Macintosh had.

He reached for the shot glass in front of him and downed its contents with a loud gulp, then threw the glass down and huffed.

How was Applejack?

Was everything okay?

...

Was she okay?

She was probably sitting on her bed, weeping her fucking eyes out, missing her brother. She was probably blaming herself for sending him to the bank that day, when she could've easily gone herself and handled things better. She was probably cursing Delirious under her breath, knowing full well what crew it had been at the entrance of that building. She was probably looking for vengeance.

She was probably going to find him. If he knew that mare—and it was no mistake saying he most certainly did—she wouldn't stop until the killer of her brother was found. It didn't help him or her much knowing it was him to boot. She knew the lay of the land, and she had connections. Free train rides, carriages, guides, and guards would get her there.

If she found him, he didn't think he'd be able to raise his gun. But he'd have to, wouldn't he?

He suddenly grew aware of a presence next to him thanks to their deafening slurps of the enormous drink on the counter in front of them. Delirious screwed up his face, his train of thought now thoroughly shit on. When the hell had they gotten there? They weren't there when he and his friends had come in. He narrowed his eyes and turned his head.

The now obvious mare was leaning forward in her seat, both hooves grasping the long, loopy, spiraling silly straw poking out of the root beer float being tortured before her eyes. With a smile on her face and her bright eyes dancing about, she hummed a low tune and gave little noises to signify her enjoyment of the treat. As if noticing Delirious as well, she slowly trailed off in her relishing and looked at him as well, silly straw still tightly clenched between her teeth.

Blue stared into blue.

The mare suddenly gasped so hard that Delirious swore she was having a panic attack.

"Ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh!"

Holy shit he had seen her for two seconds and he already thought her voice was way too annoying.

"I know you! You're Applejack's friend, right?!"

Delirious' eyes shrank to pinpricks.

Wait.

...

Oh no.

The mare grinned at him widely, then reached a hoof out with a vigorous round of nodding.

"I'm Pinkie Pie!"

Author's Note

Got a new computer today. It doesn't have a fucking numpad, so inserting em dashes and the like are a biiiiiitch. Fucking copy paste every time I need it. It's killing me. ;_;

Outta My Mind: An Addendum, And The Wretched Slew Of Regret

So. Here we are again. Another update, another collection of sighs and disappointment. From both of us, really.

The mods can go fuck themselves, since this isn't an actual story update and is pretty much super illegal in terms of all things disgusting horsefiction, so if you're reading this, just know that it might be over soon.

This ending to things is entirely my fault. I mean, that was obvious. It's not like any of you logged onto my account and put fingers to keyboard and cracked shit after shit out, and, honestly, it's never really the audience to blame on stuff like this.

I chose the more story-based, adventurous path for this one, instead of sticking to what the source material thrived on: funny, unconnected moments with a bunch of dumb friends just frolicking about. And that was the downfall. Heh. "Downfall." Like this was the fucking British Empire or something. Using overly dramatic words for a horse fic. Fucking idiot. Anywho, yeah. I strayed from what made the source material as popular as it was, because I didn't want to string together individual chapters about people blowing each other up and swearing and shooting because that's not my style and, clearly, not in my intelligence spectrum.

God, five paragraphs in now and this already looks half-assed, terrible, shitty, stupid, anti-climatic, and underwhelming. This whole "feeling terrible" thing about OMM might just be me blowing shit out of proportion. Maybe no one actually cares as much as I think they do. But I do know that this is me being me. If I fuck something up, or disappoint in any way, or even do something even slightly wrong, I'll apologize profusely for it, and even then do it from time to time after all has been said and done. This was supposed to be a grand, humorous fic! What the hell happened you fucking clod?

Stress was a major factor. I didn't expect this story to blow up and subsequently become my most popular fic. Honestly, writing out its first chapter as a dumb Freshman, I thought it'd be viewed as mediocre and fade away into the rest of my fic library unknown and untouched. And then it got featured. And shot up to 1k views in the span of, well, a very short time. And then 2k. And then favorites and comments and follows every single day that I checked in on as my own school day went on. I remember sitting in the library of my high school and whipping out my phone while sitting at a computer and just beaming at all the reception I was getting and feeling so goddamned awesome. But, a higher viewer number means more people you don't want to disappoint. And my stupid ass thought, "Hmm, let's break away from the norm. Let's do an adventure." Over time, as I realized how fucked I was getting myself by including more actual story and junk, I started getting more and more stressed out when I sat down to write another chapter to the point of deleting entire, and I mean entire, chapters because I didn't think they were good enough. Weekly updates became every other weeek, to months at a time, to almost a year. And it got worse there. I dunno. This shit killed me, but I kept through because it made you guys laugh, and that's all I cared about. Because of course I read your comments, and I take in everything that's said and referenced and all that because I love all of you, but clearly not enough to do CPR on this son of a bitch and bring it back to a barely alive status. It's Canceled for a reason.

I recently read through most of the past chapters prior to the heist, and my face just fell flat because I thought, like, "Where did this all go?" Even in my later years here (>implying that means anything you ponce) I still found myself laughing my ass off, chuckling at little lines I'd completely forgotten I'd dropped here and there, and overall enjoying what I was reading. Maybe it was because the whole writing of OMM wasn't fresh on my mind. I was pretty much going into it totally blind. Hell, I completely forgot that Vanoss and Delirious got thrown in jail. The "party" for Wildcat and Nogla. The lead-up to Lui's reveal. It was genuinely exciting, and, quite frankly, I fucking miss it.

It's weird. You'd think that it would be the same going in to write another chapter. All of the main characters are there (Vanoss, Delirious, Nogla, Lui, and Wildcat), they're at a place, and they're themselves! It practically writes itself! I don't have a clue what's gotten me into a funk shitty enough for me to pull the plug. Hell, the worst part? We were one chapter away from finally chugging back along. Literally. As in a train. Back to Ponyville.

I guess it's time to lay the cards down. If you don't want spoilers, which, I guess, is kind of weird, but I kind of understand(?) if you don't...? I dunno. If you don't want spoilers, just... like, go away or something.

So, the barebones chapter I put out talked about Chief Thunderhooves informing Delirious that he had a condition known as Barkhide. Said condition would slowly cause the outside of his body to turn to bark as the rest of him gradually became a tree. He would eventually become rooted to the ground and unable to breathe, as his lungs would turn into wood and shit, and he would die sitting in a spot for the rest of his life. If you remember earlier in the story, Delirious got swiped by a Timberwolf and refused a shot at the hospital. This is why he's been afflicted. The solution the Chief gives him? There is a group of people near the Mirror Pool "back north" who can save his life if he manages to get to them before the Barkhide fully overtakes him. The guys talk about their next move, and decide to go by way of train. Turns out, the train's seats are full. However, they find out that there's a magician named Trixie who's supposed to be onboard, and she's supposed to be performing tricks for the passengers in exchange for a longer ride. Vanoss gets looked at. He grabs a hat out of his balls and taps a baton against a box, saying, "It's Houdini, boys."

(This next part is copy-pasted from my notebook where I keep all my spaghetti.)

The guys are heading toward the fabled Mirror Pool, where a group of ponies who can cure Delirious' Barkhide allegedly live. Deciding to take the train, as they only have one single seat jet and the Cargobob is out of commission, they ride through the desert, hoping that no one on board recognizes them. Nogla suddenly spots something in the distance, approaching the train at a terrifyingly swift pace. In a matter of seconds, the figure is revealed as a pony encased in Warden armor smashes through the train, her wings flapping faster than a hummingbird's. Tackling the Unicorn and throwing him out of the train, she turns her head and makes her visors screen turn transparent, allowing the guys to realize who she is: it's Rainbow Dash, and she's FUCKING PISSED. On her back are a pair of familiar objects that Delirious recognizes as well: the vanilla pistol that the Sheriff had confiscated from him, and the sniper rifle that Rainbow had taken from him while scouting out the marketplace. Watching as the now-heavily modified weapons suddenly float next to her and take aim, Rainbow glares at the quintet and lowers her head, ready to fight. Her visor materializes once more, and she finishes the chapter with a cold sentence amplified by her helmet's speaker, "Your ride's over, motherfuckers."

Iron Sights' Involvement
Delirious and Iron Sights are fighting atop the train car. Delirious gets the upper hand and suddenly dives underneath Iron Sights. Turning over on his back, he kicks his hindlegs upwards and launches Iron up, where he smacks directly into a sign as they pass under it. Iron Sights is left behind as the train passes through a tunnel.

Puncake
Ready to kill Delirious on the roof of the locomotive, Rainbow raises his sniper rifle at him from the air, only to suddenly feel something thunk against her helmet. Stopping, she drops onto the roof and examines it, bringing it up to her face and questioning it. Still holding it, she asks Delirious what the fuck it is, only to find him madly scrambling inside the train car. Now cutting to Delirious, he jumps onto the floor and flees through the passenger car, throwing the door open and telling his friends to get the fuck down. Rainbow, leaning her head over the side of the car, looks in through a window and tells him that they're not done, only for the Puncake still grasped in her armored hoof to explode in her face, knocking her into a conveniently placed water tower next to the train tracks. The guys continue past on the train, successful. Nogla respawns in the train, having slept in one of the beds before being kicked out.

So they make it back to the area around Ponyville and head to the Mirror Pool. But, there's someone in the way. A pony. Delirious is quick to step forward, albeit in a hunch thanks to the invigorated Barkhide. Applejack is staring the group down, a revolver by her side and a copy of Delirious' sniper rifle on her back. She has a quip before she and him duke it out: "Ah dunno what it is, but... Ah just can't seem t' get you outta my mind." I never got far enough to figure out whether or not they part ways peacefully (I assume so; Applejack isn't just gonna fucking die). But they cure Delirious with no further trouble. Woohoo!

I think I had it somewhere where Delirious and the others encounter another group of bandits who they steal shit from, and when they go to Ponyville after curing Delirious, they see smoke on the horizon.

Oh yeah! Do you guys remember that cryptic message I always alluded to constantly over and over again, claiming that it was in the chapter names? If you look back, you'll see it!

Sweet Dreams
Apple Of My Eye
Acres Of Land
Is Everything Okay?
Burning

Sweet Apple Acres Is Burning.

There was going to be a huge sequence near the end where, obviously, the Acres would be burning due to bandits or some other garbage, Delirious and them would swoop in and save the day, and then they'd get arrested because of the heist and the Guard finding them. I think I had it in there somewhere that Delirious corners the leader of the bandits on the upper floor and kneecaps him. Delirious asks Lui for his minigun, and tells him to head downstairs. Lui's minigun hasn't been fired in the story, and since Lui is Lui, he'd have the minigun fully stocked for PvP. Fully stocked. As in 9,999 bullets. In a minigun. Delirious walks out after a long while of a horrible grinding noise and drops the minigun on the ground. Lui picks it up and realizes that it's fucking empty. Anyway, yeah, they get arrested.

So, here's something I bet you're all glad didn't come to fruition. And, looking at it now, I'm kind of glad too.

So, they're going to be executed. But then they manage to escape and cause a massive fucking shootout in upper Canterlot. The Mane 6 arrive just in time and begin to fight back, save for Rainbow Dash, still in the desert, and Applejack, still in the hospital. Delirious and them fend them all off and prepare to leave... and then Princess Celestia and Princess Luna swoop down with Wardens by their sides... and their own heavily magic-infused armor as well. Delirious and the others get curb stomped, and are forced to the ground with axes and swords and guns at their throats. Celestia and Luna prepare to finish them off, when suddenly whoa Applejack is here! Applejack pleads with the Princesses not to go through with it for some reason or another, and they hesitate. Which gives the guys enough time for their grand finale. Delirious sees, in the left corner of his vision, four notifications suddenly... pop up.

Vanoss has left the game.
I AM WILDCAT has left the game.
Daithi De Nogla has left the game.
Lui Calibre has left the game.

Delirious looks over at where his friends were just laying. They're simply gone. He looks up at Celestia and gives her a sheepish grin. The sword goes down. Cue the crash explained in a sec.

Reality
Oh yeah. Outta My Mind is the name of a fan game sent to Delirious. He invites his friends to play it out of boredom, and they join him, albeit hesitantly because it's about ponies. Vanoss cracks first, then Wildcat, then Nogla, and finally Lui, but mainly just to get Delirious' bounty. Thus Outta My Mind, the story, is set up. The penultimate chapter is when the game completely glitches out, causing a console crash and sending them all back to their desktops. The final chapter has Delirious, Wildcat, Nogla, Vanoss, and Lui discussing what to record next. As they all go off to get some food, Delirious is alone. Exiting the Skype chat, he mouses over the icon for Outta My Mind and double clicks with a smile.

Then I was thinking of a P.S. kind of chapter where a border guard is sitting in his little checkpoint, yawning, reading, and eating little pieces of food to occupy himself. He notices two figures approaching, and shines a flashlight to see them. An orange mare and a blue stallion, cloaked, ask him for entry. Though he knows it's suspicious, he has to relent because they have their papers. So, raising the gates, he allows "Teddy Bear" and "Apple Cinnamon" into his country. End story.

I also had some convoluted thing about how Delirious' heist ends up causing a global war (because their shapeshifting magic immediately causes fear about Changelings again which is swiftly acted upon, leading to mistrust, and anger, and loads of other stuff) and the final chapter would be completely unrelated to Delirious and the guys, detailing a later part of said war between Twilight and Celestia in Canterlot. It's quiet, and somber. And dumb. Glad I didn't do it.

Anyway, though, I've said it countless times, but I'll say it again. I'm sorry. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dears? (Cool reference loser.)

Here's this.

The final chapter.

Hope you enjoyed. Think it's about time I take this thing out back and put the shotgun against its head, huh? I'm sorry, guys.

Rest in peace!

Author's Note

I'd expected this to be a good collection of words, but it still looks like garbage. Oh well. Go read something else. :ajsmug: