*knock*
I open an eye and stare blankly at the ceiling. It's still pitch black outside... well, dark purple-ish. The night here is always beautiful, courtesy of Princess Moonbutt, but it's never really dark. Still, I like how-
"Anon!"
Damn it.
I let out a heavy groan and roll out of bed, hitting the ground with a loud 'thud'. Slowly scrambling to my feet, I rub my sleepy eyes and lethargically make my way into the bathroom. I've never been a morning person, and apparently I will never be, regardless of how many times she wakes me up before the Moon even begins to set.
It probably sounds strange, but Luna's moonsets are just as gorgeous as her sister's sunsets. And I don't mean their flanks.
After a quick glance at the clock, I step into the shower and turn it on, letting out a few girly screams as I try to adjust the water temperature. The plumbing in Equestria is quite advanced, considering that the plumbers here are magical pastel ponies and all, but it's still not any better than it was back on Earth. Maybe even a little worse.
There's no cold knob. There's no hot knob. Instead, there is 'absolute zero' and 'Planck temperature'.
I struggle with the knobs for a minute or two, and I eventually decide to settle with lukewarm water. I sigh, closing my eyes and letting my thoughts wander.
Another day in Equestria, another day of busting my back carrying apples for... the Apples, you guessed it. It pays well and they're really nice folks, but I wish I could find another job. One that's a little easier on the physical side. Sadly, being unable to fly and having no magical powers or special talent makes finding a job pretty tough, and I'm not about to quit the only one I have ever been offered.
No matter how much I would like to, sometimes.
Princess Celestia was kind enough to build me a small cottage and give me a generous stipend to help me settle into my new life here, but after about a month, I had to take matters into my own hands and get a reliable source of income.
Life in Equestria isn't expensive by any means, but being a human in a world full of three foot tall ponies can make things pretty hard at times. From clothing to furniture, I don't think there is a single thing I own that wasn't commissioned or otherwise custom-made specially to fit my different needs and stature.
The same stature that allows me to look down when conversing with an alicorn princess. The same stature that allows me to rival even the largest stallions in term of physical strength. The same stature that allowed me to land that job in the first place.
While I can't pull a cart loaded with several hundred pounds of apples as easily as a strong Earth pony like Big Mac can, I can carry individual baskets around much faster and more efficiently. As painful as it is to have to get up at four in the morning and start working while most ponies are still sound asleep, there are some advantages to this job.
For one, I only work in the morning and sometimes, very early afternoon. I usually get a free meal with the Apple family, work for another hour or so, and go home with a decent amount of bits.
Applejack's company is definitely a plus, too.
So I usually have the whole afternoon to myself.
If only I had things to do, or friends to hang out with... there are very few ponies who actually trust me, and even fewer that would be any fun to hang out with. There aren't many things a human and a cartoon horse can have in common, after all.
Applejack was the first to really open up to me and accept me. It may or may not have had something to do with the fact that she was the one who first 'found' me, and the one who heard the first words that came out of my mouth since I had woken up in that strange world full of small horses.
Namely, 'that was the best fucking apple I ever ate'.
Swearing aside, I suppose I couldn't have possibly made a better first impression on a member of the Apple family. But it was true, their apples are really good.
After a lengthy talk with the orange pony and her (then far less friendly) big brother, she decided to introduce me to her friends, starting with a purple unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle who would, in turn, introduce me to the only other pony besides Applejack who really trusts me - their ruler, Princess Celestia.
To this day I still wonder why, especially since I'm the only creature in this world whose mind she cannot read, but that's another topic.
Apparently, both Applejack and Twilight Sparkle are part of what they call the 'Elements of Harmony', which seems to be some sort of Special Forces unit or something. They're always here to save the day whenever bad things happen and while I haven't witnessed any of it myself, I did hear some pretty impressive tales of what those six mares can do when the situation requires it.
Sadly, it seems that being national heroes didn't make them particularly keen on treating strange alien beings who randomly find themselves in Equestria as one of their own.
Twilight Sparkle has always been pretty formal with me, and it didn't take long before she started to annoy me with endless questions about... well, everything. Me, my species, my home world, and everything else she could possibly think of. She's a nice, level-headed pony, but she's definitely not a friend I could spend some fun, informal time with.
I still consider her a friend, though.
The third Element of Harmony I met was a yellow pegasus by the (not so fitting) name of Fluttershy. Twilight insisted that I should really get checked for diseases or something, and apparently Fluttershy is some kind of a veterinarian. It wasn't the most flattering thing ever, but I couldn't blame them. I do look pretty strange, after all... well, maybe not strange per se, but definitely out of place among ponies.
Being an omnivore didn't help matters much, either.
While I was sitting on a table half naked, getting proded in various places by the not so shy little pony, another pegasus decided to drop by.
Rainbow Dash... a pretty nice mare. Boastful and annoying at times, but definitely bro material. If only she weren't always busy... between her duties as captain of the weather patrol (whatever the hell it even is), and her military-like training for the Wonderbolts, she never has any time to do anything with her friends.
Not that I am her friend, but I could have seen us becoming friends, I guess.
Next up was Pinkie Pie. After letting Fluttershy ~~grope~~ molest me for almost an hour, and after she concluded that I had 'an unknown, exotic, probably life-threatening disease that could only be cured by regular physical contact with a pegasus mare's vaginal secretions, if that was okay with me', I was quick to change the subject, and asked if there was any place around where I could get something to eat.
Naturally, I was taken to a giant gingerbread house by Twilight and Applejack, where I met the hyperactive party pony. Always sweet and caring, but I just didn't have the physical capability to put up with her... Pinkieness.
And I still don't.
After spending some time answering a few of Twilight's questions about clothing and its importance among humans (time which consisted mostly of a lengthy explanation of why I didn't want to walk around naked, especially with my junk dangling around at their eye level), Pinkie suggested that I go see 'Rarity'. She gave me a tray full of freshly baked cupcakes, claiming that I was such a great friend, I deserved free food.
We had only known each other for about forty-five minutes, but I couldn't argue with that logic.
Upon entering a large, fancy-looking building, I was introduced to her. The last Element of Harmony, although I really couldn't see any harmony in her behavior. She appeared to be far too preoccupied with my 'dreadful appearance', 'uncouth language' and 'foul taste in clothing' to even properly introduce herself. Instead, antagonizing me seemed to be the sensible option to her.
I have no idea what I ever did to her, but she hates me. I don't even hate her back, as I honestly can't bring myself to care about a prissy bitch who hates me for no apparent reason.
Despite having a talented fashionista living a couple of hundred yards away from my place, every single item of clothing I own (besides what I was wearing the day I somehow ended up here) was made in Canterlot by Celestia's personal seamstress, a certain Sapphire Shores.
From what I was told, she used to work in music or something like that, until a few days after I arrived here. Something about an accident involving dubstep, a pair of binoculars and a magical flashbang prototype. Luna stopped visiting my dreams shortly after that.
While ponies in Canterlot obviously have plebby tastes, but I can't argue with an immortal horse princess who offers me 'haute couture' that probably costs more than my entire house. It doesn't look like much, but then I suppose making clothes for humans is a challenge for ponies. That, and the pony who makes my clothes was originally Michael Jackson.
Still, now that I think about it, somepony is probably jealous... really jealous. One of the ponies she tried hard to appeal to now sends me free clothes on a weekly basis.
Heh, suck on that, Rarity.
I finish rinsing myself and step out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my waist. I hope I didn't take too long, because Applejack is not too happy when I do, and usually she-
"ANON!"
I frown and instinctively cover my crotch with both hands, which I often find myself doing even when fully clothed. I'm not sure if that's because of my past 'experiences' with Fluttershy, or because ponies tend to be intrusive overall with little regard for personal space, but... at least I know Applejack respects my privacy.
Well, somewhat. When she doesn't invite herself into my house, and into my bathroom, just because in her opinion, I was 'taking too long'.
"What are ya doin'?"
"I'm getting ready to bust my back for you," I say flatly.
"Yer late, ya know we're usually workin' by five at the latest."
"Yeah well, the Sun isn't even up yet."
"And it won't be until six. Anon, it's ten past five, and ya haven't even eaten yet. What the hay are ya doin'?"
Wait, what? Did I really spend almost an hour in the shower? I must have really let my thoughts wander... shit, now I'm gonna be late.
"Damn it. I must have zoned out... again. Alright, you go on ahead, I'll grab a bite real quick and meet you there in twenty minutes."
"Ya better be there on time... ya know we need you more than ever since Mac went and broke his leg."
"He's lucky, you know? Where I'm from, we would actually have to put down a horse with a broken leg."
"We ain't horses."
"It's the same with ponies."
"Whatever ya say. Hurry up now," she says as she shoots me one last glance before running down the stairs, and outside. She doesn't even bother closing the door behind her, but then it's not like ponies would steal or anything... they'd find a way to get inside my damn home even with the door closed and locked (while somehow thinking that doing so is a good idea), but they'd never consider stealing anything.
Confound these ponies. Every one of them.
As I dry myself up, I can't help but wonder why Applejack is becoming increasingly... annoying, lately. What's happening to her?
We always joked around and everything without malice, but lately she's been different. Perhaps having to handle all the work on the farm without her brother's help is starting to get to her. Although she doesn't make me work more than usual, she's being irritable and borderline aggressive, and it's not like I can tell her to get her friends to help, either.
There's obviously a typo somewhere in Celestia's official scrolls or something, because as honest as Applejack is, she's most definitely the Element of Stubbornness.
I throw on some clothes and walk down the stairs before pouring myself a bowl of Cheeri-O's. Man, I love these things.
What was that, brain? Yeah. Damn right, work can wait. Stomach is calling the shots right now.
Forty minutes later.
"SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"
"ANONYMOUS!"
I take a quick look behind me, only to see a white unicorn chasing after me.
"SHIT!"
Goddammit, as if being an hour late wasn't bad enough, now she is gonna give me shit too?
"ANONYMOUS, STOP RUNNING!"
"I CAN'T, I'M LATE!"
"YOU UNCOUTH BRUTE! STOP!" she shrieks, catching up with me and galloping alongside me. I look at her and frown.
"GOTTA GO FAST"
"STOP!"
"WHY ARE WE EVEN SHOUTING?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"LET'S STOP, THEN!"
"ALRIGHT! WAIT, AM I STILL SHOUTING?"
"YES!"
We both come to a halt as the giant orchards come into view. Well, I'm late, but at least I'm here.
"What do you want, Rarara? I gotta get to work right now."
She scowls and rolls her eyes in disdain. "Why would I want anything from a creature such as you?" she asks, turning her head away from me.
"I don't know, but you ran after me, so I assumed you at least had something to ask me."
"So? Maybe I do. But I don't need your permission."
"I didn't give it, anyway."
"Humpf. You are insufferable," she groans and walks away, and I curse myself for now being curious as to why she was chasing after me, and what she could possibly want to ask me. The Rarity I know would never ask anything of me. Even if I were the last creature alive in Equestria, she would rather die than have to ask me something. At least, I think... well, I'm late anyway. I suppose it won't make much of a difference if I take another few minutes to ask her what's-
"ANON!"
God.
Damn.
It.
"I'm here, AJ."
"What the hay's wrong with y'all? Ya said ya'd be here an hour ago!" she shouts, rearing up on her hind legs and slamming her front hooves against my thighs, causing me to take a step backwards.
"Calm the fuck down! We can work an extra hour in the afternoon to make up for it, damn it! What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Ya said ya WOULD. BE. HERE!"
"Yeah, well... I lied."
She pushes harder against my thighs and I simply grab her front hooves, causing her to lose her balance and stumble backwards. As strong as she is, her front legs are pretty weak, and a month of hard work has toned me up nicely.
"Applejack! Quit being so rude! A lady does not engage in physical violence!"
I raise an eyebrow and take a look behind me.
"Mind yer own business, Rarity! Anon's late and he owes me, and he's gonna-"
"He's gonna come and work for me! Obviously, you are being way too unladylike, even for him. Am I right, Anonymous?"
I frown and cross my arms, staring at the country mare. "I hate to admit it, but yes. You are."
A soft white hoof brushes my leg as Rarity weakly tugs on my shirt with her magic. "Come on, Anon. A lady will not stand for such brutish behavior. I have work for you until dear Applejack here comes back to her senses."
"It ain't none of yer darn business, Rare!"
"Rarity, seriously, what are you doing? Normally you wouldn't give me the time of day, and now you're helping me?" I ask warily, an eyebrow raised. What the hell is she playing at?
"Absolutely! Would you rather I let Applejack treat you like dirt? You ungrateful... beast."
"I can handle myself just fine against a midget horse, thank you very much."
"WHAT DID YA CALL ME?"
"You heard me, Applebutt."
"That's it, yer fired! Ya can go home and do whatever it is yer usually doin', ya vermin! Y'all never gonna be workin' here again, ya hear?"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say."
I'm not sure whether she actually means that, or if she's just on the verge of snapping, but either way I'd rather be as far away from her as possible right now. Seriously, what has gotten into her?
I turn to Rarity and point to Applejack who's trotting back towards her barn. "What happened to her?"
The white mare shrugs, apparently more preoccupied with adjusting her mane than with her friend's obvious issues.
I shake my head and scratch my chin. "So... you said you had work for me, huh?"
"Why, yes. Menial work I couldn't possibly do myself."
"Why should I accept?"
She gives me a condescending smile. "Because I am the Element of Generosity, Anon dear," she says coyly, her face suddenly turning red as she realizes the possible innuendo. "I mean, I will pay you well! Very well. Better than Applejack ever did!"
I frown, still unsure of what the hell is happening to everypony today. "Huh... so you hate me, but you need me to do some lowly work a classy mare like yourself couldn't possibly bring herself to do, and you're willing to pay me quite a lot for it because you're a lady and shit. Is that correct?" I 'ask', looking for more eyebrows to raise.
She ignores my sarcastic tone and gives me another patronizing smirk. "Perhaps you are not as slow as I first thought."
"Well, if you had actually gotten to know me before deciding to hate me... you do hate me, right?"
"Of course!" she answers as fast as she possibly can. "How could anypony not hate such an abhorrent, despicable being?"
"Yeah. Sure."
While I very rarely interact with Rarity, I still had to learn how to deal with her, and thankfully it's pretty simple. Simply ignore her insults and taunting. Pay attention to her, but completely ignore the rest, act as though she was being nice and casually nod at everything she says. Especially when she seems to be asking for confirmation as to whether or not I acknowledge that I am a foul, ugly, uncouth ruffian beast or whatever 'insults' only she could possibly come up with.
"Now let us go, we have a lot to do," she says, trotting away from Sweet Apple Acres.
"You mean, I have a lot to do," I interject, walking alongside her.
"Of course, that's what I meant."
"Care to fill me in on what exactly it is you're gonna have me doing?"
She slows down and shakes her head hesitantly. "Hm... I suppose I could do that. I need somepony to dig up gems for me. Spike usually helps me with that, but the poor dear is ill."
"Dragons can get sick?"
She stops and gives me a confused look. "Why, of course. Don't dragons ever get sick back where you come from?"
"Since dragons don't exist on Earth, I guess not."
"No dragons?"
"Nope. No dragons, no griffons, no pegasi, no unicorns... no talking, sentient ponies, either."
"B-but... how is that possible?"
"I don't know. That's what I asked myself when I first arrived here. The lack of all these creatures back home is as troubling to you as their presence here is to me."
"What else is different on... what did you call it? Earth?"
"Yeah. Well, a lot of things. For one, we don't control the weather or the celestial bodies."
"You don't?"
"Hell no. Even with magic, that would be absolutely impossible. I mean, our Sun is a gigantic ball of hot plasma, it's almost a hundred million miles away from us, and nearly one million miles in diameter! Nothing, and I mean nothing, maybe short of a thermonuclear bomb the size of a planet, could possibly have any effect, much less any control, on that!"
Rarity's jaw is hanging as she seems to be processing what I just said. Now I'm wondering about the Equestrian Sun... is it only a couple of dozen feet large and a few miles away or something? Since apparently it's orbiting a planet, that would make sense.
And it would also make Sunbutt's powers seem a lot less impressive.
"A-and... what about your Moon?"
"Well, the Moon is much smaller and closer, but it's still impossible to control. It's a two thousand mile wide piece of rock and... uh, minerals and other stuff, I guess. It's orbiting our planet over two hundred thousand miles away. Still, I suppose nuking it out of orbit isn't entirely impossible in theory."
"Your home world sure seems like an interesting place... if not a little off-putting."
"Yeah... but now you got me really curious about how this stuff works here. I guess I'll have to drop by Twilight's library and ask her for a book on astronomy and physics and shit," I say enthusiastically.
Heh, is that what nerdy ponies like Purple Smart herself feel at the prospect of learning new stuff? Damn, I could be an egghead if I actually liked reading.
"Why would you want to bother with her library, darling?"
What? And did she just call me darling without sounding disdainful or condescending?
"Uh... where else would I go to get a book?"
"You are friends with Princess Celestia, aren't you?"
"Well... I'm not sure 'friends' is the most accurate term, but yeah, we're definitely cool. Why?"
"If I'm happy with your work, I might accept to accompany you to Canterlot, and ask the princess to grant you access to the Canterlot Archives. There would be much more choice and information than in Twilight's library."
"Shit! Well, thanks, Rare. I mean..." wait, what?
Did I just call her 'Rare'? And why the hell am I thanking her? I'm in very good, if not a little formal terms with Celestia herself, and I don't need anypony to accompany me on a forty minutes train ride! Hell, I could be in the Canterlot Archives in an hour and a half if I wanted to.
I suppose today is going be yet another one of those overly long and confusing days where everything causes me to question my very existence in this horse dimension... heh, as if there were any other kind of days in Equestria. If it were a country or something, I imagine that they would have large signs everywhere along the borders, warning travelers to leave all common sense behind and forget any sort of logic, because they-
"So, Anonymous. Shall we go?"
Meh.
"Yeah, sure," I scratch my chin and cock my head, my eyes idly wandering on the prissy white pony's swaying haunches as she trots slightly ahead of me. "But you said something about finding gems, right? I don't see how I'm gonna be able to help you locate gems... I can help you dig them out, but that's all."
"I have a spell for that, don't worry. Just be ready to dig."
I grab a shovel out of nowhere and hold it as if it were a shotgun. "Yes'm, Miss Rarity, Miss."
She raises an eyebrow and snorts rather loudly. "Just wait here, I will fetch a few things."
I nod and watch as she enters her boutique. Wait... did we really get back to Ponyville that quickly? And why is the Sun already up?
I shrug internally, considering the possibility that talking to Rarity was enjoyable enough to make time pass quicker.
Nah...
"Nice job, Anonymous."
"Rarity..." I sigh heavily and drop the bloody shovel, panting and wiping the orange blood off my face. Who knew an enchanted iron shovel could be so effective when used as a weapon?
"Yes?"
"WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT THING?"
"A graboid, darling."
"A what?"
"A giant underground worm. Some diamond dogs like to keep them as pets. They help them with tunneling and they scare off intruders. I already had to deal with them in the past, and I knew it would come in handy to have a brutish, violent creature like you for such a job."
"You can't be serious..." I sigh again, trying to catch my breath. So obviously, this is why she was being somewhat nice and asked me to come with her. So I could deal with, or be eaten by a thirty foot long, fifteen ton carnivorous worm.
"You didn't have to kill it, though... I know it attacked you, but I promise you, it was only trying to scare you away. You didn't have to kill it."
I stare in disbelief at the half dug up carcass of the precambrian monster. "Like hell I didn't have to! What did you expect me to do, let it eat me? If they're anything like those in... alright, look. I get it that you have all sorts of mythological creatures and everything here, but... really? That? I mean, what's next, xenomorphs?"
"Xenomorphs? Dreadful creatures, they are... Princess Luna befriended one during her time on the Moon, though. I believe it was a female by the name of Aline."
"Fucking hell."
"Now, don't be vulgar, Anon. We still have many jewels to find."
"We do? 'Cause killing that thing was bad enough, and in case you didn't notice, I'm drenched in blood. And the stench... God."
"I can assure you that you don't smell any worse than you usually do."
I let out a bored groan, too tired and annoyed to even listen to her pathetic attempts at insulting me.
"Anyway, there's a small river behind that hill. Follow me, we can set up camp there, and you can clean yourself up a bit."
"Set up camp?" I raise an eyebrow and start following her.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"Uh... actually, I guess I am. I just didn't have the time to think about it, having to fight off that thing and all," I glare at her swaying hips, trying to set her mane and tail on fire through hate alone. Sadly, it doesn't seem to work... meh. I probably don't hate her enough.
Yet.
After walking for a couple of minutes, we arrive near a small stream of water and Rarity starts unpacking her things. She probably has more beauty products and stuff in that bag than I ever saw in my entire life... damn, maybe she's right. Maybe I am uncouth.
I take my shoes off when suddenly, a thought hits me. "Wait. What if another one of these things come?"
"Highly unlikely, but... if one does, I believe you will know what to do, won't you?" she levitates the now clean shovel in front of my face.
"I hate you."
She smiles, not bothering to reply. I sigh and take off my shirt before jumping in the small river, sighing happily as the fresh water cleanses my body and mind.
"Lunch is ready, Anonymous."
"All right!" I get out of the water and pat my wet belly, smiling. This is gonna be-
"I hope you like hay, darling."
"Son of a bitch."
An hour later, we're sitting on a small couch - the thought of which really hurts my brain - in front of the little river, in the middle of an otherwise arid, rocky landscape.
"So, now that you have bathed and eaten, how about you dig up some gems?"
"Again? Don't we have enough?"
"Absolutely not! I cannot compete with Hoity Toity's latest collection with only twenty pounds of gems."
"Only twenty pounds? Goddamn, Rarity! I've been digging all morning already, and look at that! We have like, three buckets full of diamonds! Just look at the size of those things! Back home, we'd have enough to buy ourselves an entire country with this!"
She raises an eyebrow and brings a hoof to her chin. "Economy must be strange on Earth."
"Says the magical horse whose dresses have more gems than fabric on them, and who lives in a kingdom where pure gold is used as the lowest unit of currency."
She raises an eyebrow and looks at me in confusion. "I'm not a-"
"Yes, I know, you're not a horse, you're a pony, despite ponies being small horses, which totally doesn't make Celestia a horse. Ah, whatever... let's go dig," I add before sighing loudly. I wonder if this isn't actually worse than busting my ass back at the farm with an unstable and pissed country mare watching over my every move... at least, Applejack doesn't hate me. Didn't hate me, until this morning.
"That's the spirit, dear. Let me pack up first, though."
"Yeah, sure. So, Spike is sick, right? What does he have?"
"The pony flu."
"The pony flu?"
"Yes."
"He's a dragon."
"So?"
"My brain hurts again."
"Oh, really? I would have never guessed you had one."
"Whatever the hell you say, darling."
"Did you just call moi darling?"
"Yup."
"Be careful, Anonymous. With that sort of language, some ponies could think that you are trying to..." she trails off, finishing packing up.
What the hell is she even talking about? I frown, flexing my arms and grabbing the shovel. "Tough shit, darling. I'm calling the shots today. Let's go."
How she can fit so much stuff in a single small bag is beyond me... hammerspace, probably. Magic.
It's always magic.
Fucking magic.
She snorts and follows me, probably not realizing that I have no idea where to go. But then, we dug up half of the mountain already, so...
The other half it is, then.
"Rarity, I'm tired."
"So am I."
"Oh yeah? I'm dragging a hundred pounds worth of gems on that small ass chariot, and I've been digging for what, eight hours? While all you've done is insulting me while carrying around your two pound bag full of make-up and shit."
"Gems."
"Huh?" I turn around, only to see a diamond dog scowling at me.
"Give gems."
I tighten my grip on the shovel and raise it as the large bipedal canine whips out a bludgeon out of nowhere and raises it too, adopting a combat stance.
"Come at me."
"Just give back gems."
"We found 'em."
"Diamond dog territory. Our gems."
"Mate, I'll wreck you," I frown harder, before realizing something. I drop the shovel and turn back to face Rarity. "...we are on their territory and we did steal their gems, right?"
"Y-yes! Now kill him!"
"What's wrong with you, dammit?"
I back away from the dog and motion towards the buckets of gems.
"DON'T TOUCH MY GEMS!" Rarity screams, her horn lighting up.
"Not your gems," the dog interjects, "our gems."
"I'LL DESTROY YOU!" she shrieks as she readies an offensive spell.
"Stop it." I wrap a hand around her horn and lift her up, holding her squirming body tight against me.
"LET ME GO!"
"Just stop it," I glare at her, and nod towards the diamond dog. "Sorry for that. Look, you live here, you have tons of gems... I mean, just take one of our buckets and go, alright? We're outta here, and we won't come back."
The dog frowns, but eventually nods, grabbing a bucket of gems and walking away with it.
"You stupid, useless monkey!" she screams, thrashing and flailing her hooves around. I put her down on the ground and cross my arms, frowning solemnly at the angry marshmallow pony. "Why didn't you kill him instead, you worthless creature?"
"We trespassed on their territory. We took their gems. We... I killed one of their 'pets'. Don't you think we've done enough for one day? Besides, look at everything we already dug up! There must be at least twice your weight in gems on that chariot... I don't think one bucket is gonna change much."
"You don't get it! What would a damn ape know about gems anyway?"
"Like a horse would know any better."
She sighs heavily, dropping her head. I sigh too and sit on the ground, staring at her.
"Why do you hate me, Rare? I'm serious, I simply want to know. What did I ever do to you?"
"Because! I... I hate you, that's all!"
"Yeah, I kinda figured that part out, but why?"
"I DON'T!" she screams, causing me to recoil a bit.
"What?"
"I LIKE YOU, OKAY? I NEVER HATED YOU!"
I deadpan at her sudden outburst, and make a show of scratching my balls. "You what though."
"I just... I was just scared of what everypony would think if they were to learn that... I... kind of like you."
"You like me?" I ask incredulously.
"I..."
I put my arms akimbo and start scrutinizing every inch of her body. "Who are you, and what did you do to Rarity?"
"Anon... stop it. This is hard enough for me," she says flatly.
"So you like me, and you were afraid that other ponies could find out?"
"Y-yes."
"But why?"
"Because! What would they think? I'm a lady!"
"So what?"
"What do you mean, so what?" she replies angrily.
"What I mean is, just because you're a lady, whatever you even mean by that, doesn't mean you shouldn't like whoever you want to like!"
"Yes it does, when it's somepony as... crude as you. What would other ponies think?"
"Because you think insulting and belittling me at every opportunity you get makes them think better of you?"
"I don't... I don't know! My reputation would have been ruined if-"
I put a hand on her withers, cutting her off. "Look. Maybe in Canterlot, but we live in Ponyville! Ponies here are nice, and besides..."
She gives me an inquiring look, prompting me to go on.
"You're a lady, right?"
"Why, of course I am a lady," she replies, her confidence coming back at the mention of her ladylikeness.
"So it means that everything you do is ladylike. Right?"
"Of course! I mean... surely. At least, I think so! Why? Where are you going with this, Anon?"
"Well, if you like me, then liking me must be ladylike. Or something."
She gives me a flat look, before erupting in laughter. Which proves to be contagious, as soon, we are both laughing boisterously until we tears form in our eyes.
"Ah, Anon... I hadn't laughed like that in a while. I suppose I cannot argue with your logic."
"Damn right you can't. Now c'mon, Rare. Let's go home..." I say, running a hand through her mane.
She leans into my hand and smiles. "Whose home, darling?" she asks in a tone I didn't think I would ever hear from her.
"Remind me why we're here already?"
"Because a lady should never behave in such an uncouth way, and when she does, she always properly apologizes for it."
"So basically, you took me out to dinner in the most expensive and classy restaurant in all of Canterlot to apologize for calling me a stupid monkey for the past two months?"
She slurps a mouthful of spaghetti in the most unladylike fashion she can muster, and smirks at me with a small drop of tomato sauce smeared on her nose. "Yes."
I shrug and shake my head. "Well, I can't complain."
Digging into my own food, I begin to think back about the weird events that occured today. Applejack snapping, Rarity rescuing me from her potential wrath, going to dig gems, the graboid attack, the dog, the arguing... shit. Does that mean we're friends now? Or perhaps something else?
"Darling?"
"Yes, darling?"
"I... I told you not to call me darling," she blushes.
"No, you just told me to be careful about calling you darling, darling," I say a little louder than necessary, grinning as most of the eyes in the restaurant suddenly wander on us.
"You are insufferable," Rarity frowns at me.
"I know," I reply playfully.
"I like you," she says, a smirk forming at the corner of her mouth.
"I know." I get up and bend over the table, giving her a kiss on the nose before flicking my tongue out, licking the drop of tomato sauce off her fur and smirking at her suddenly red cheeks. "I think I like you too."
