War Games Ponies Play

by Minds Eye

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Flash Sentry
Length: 12432

Hostages? Check. Wanted by the Royal Guard? Check. Permission? Check. It's going to be a long day for the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Princess Twilight sets up a war game for the Royal Canterlot and Crystal Empire guards. By kidnapping Luna and Cadance.

The guards thought she knew the rules. They thought she knew the guard manual backwards and forwards.

Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom re-write the manual... and conquer Equestria.

Edited by Noble Thought.

Cover art: Princess Predicament by radiantrealm

One hundred percent approved by Twilight's Library (also approved by Discord).

Published 2014-09-13 21:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-20 02:13:12 UTC

This is only a drill.

Apple Bloom swallowed. “Run that by us again, Twilight?”

“Certainly. I want you three to watch over these two for me. Just until the Royal Guard finds you.”

“Yeah, that’s the part I don’t get.” She looked at the two “guests” behind Twilight Sparkle. “What in tarnation are you up to?”

It wasn’t everyday that three princesses show up on your doorstep. Even though Princess Cadance’s eyes lit up when she saw her flower girls again, and even though Princess Luna nodded respectfully to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, the fact that two of the four most important ponies in Equestria were tied up and gagged on her family’s farm didn’t sit well with Apple Bloom. Especially not with the Royal Guard promised to follow.

“Oh, it’s just a drill. A test.”

Luna snorted.

Twilight whirled around. “It was your idea! You were the one who said the guards were more competent a thousand years ago!”

The Princess of the Night glared back from her haunches, hind hooves bound together in front of her, and her forelegs pulled behind her back.

“Oh, don’t give me that look! You—”

Sweetie Belle cut in. “Could you back up a bit? Isn’t today the big christening of your new castle?”

Twilight cackled with glee. “And that’s why the timing is so perfect! The three of us were talking last night about the Tirek incident, and what would happen if all the princesses went missing again. Now that elements of the Royal and Crystal Guard are both in Ponyville, this is the perfect chance to test their cooperation!”

“You tied their wings, too?” Scootaloo trotted over and poked at the ropes around Princess Cadance’s barrel. “I know yours are still kinda new, but wings need to move. They’re gonna cramp!”

Cadance tilted her head towards the filly and nodded at Twilight.

“You worry too much, Cadance! They’ll find you long before that happens.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “I’m still untying their wings.” She bit down on the rope and jumped back with a yelp.

Apple Bloom rushed forward. “Scoot! What in the world—”

“It shocked me!”

Sweetie Belle gasped. “It what?”

“It shocked me!”

Apple Bloom stamped her hoof. “What’re you tryin’ to pull, Twilight?!”

“I’m sorry, it’s all part of the test.” Twilight headed for the door. “They are still alicorns, you know. Leaving them free to act could contaminate the results. I enchanted the ropes so no one else but the guards could untie them. That’s how they win.”

Scootaloo waggled her tongue and flexed her jaw. “So we’re about to be surrounded by full grown armored stallions ready to break down the door to our clubhouse. What do we get out of all this?”

Sweetie Belle coughed. “This... wouldn’t be about that book we... borrowed... would it?”

Twilight tilted her head and flashed a dazzling smile. “Why don’t you tell me, Sweetie?” She silenced Princess Luna’s chuckles with a look. “Just keep them here. I’ve set up the crime scenes and left plenty of evidence. This should be over soon.”

Apple Bloom reached for her. “But what—”

Twilight was gone in a flash.

The Crusaders sat across from the princesses. Luna narrowed her eyes, watching them warily. Cadance glanced back and forth between her aunt and the girls before looking around the clubhouse, nodding her head.

Sweetie Belle broke the silence. “Do we... do we torture them?”

Scootaloo sighed. “Why, under the sky, would we torture them?”

“I don't know. We kidnapped them, right? That’s the story Twilight is telling the guards. If we’re the bad ponies, shouldn’t we act like it?”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “You could always brew your tea for them.”

Luna screamed and leaned forward, shaking her head violently.

“No!” Scootaloo leapt in between the four. “You can’t do that to them!”

“C’mon, it was only a joke. Right Sweetie Belle?”

Sweetie eyed Luna suspiciously. “Where did that come from?”

Scootaloo’s cheeks flushed. “When you made your tea for us... I had a nightmare that night. P-Princess Luna saw the whole thing, and she pulled me out of it.”

Sweetie chuckled. “You had a nightmare about my tea?”

“I was drowning in it! It kept sloshing up in my face and down my throat!”

“Scootaloo, it wasn’t that—”

“You put habaneros in it!”

Princess Cadance’s eyes shot open, and a muffled four syllable word came out. She looked to Princess Luna.

Luna nodded.

“That’s right,” Sweetie Belle said. “Habaneros. And I’ve still got some left, so you two behave! Now don’t we have any board games? A deck of cards? Something?” She turned to scrounge through the clubhouse.

Apple Bloom nudged Scootaloo. “Lighten up, Scoots.”

“We can’t let her—”

“And we won’t. It was just a joke.” She draped a leg around her friend’s shoulders. “Things won’t get that far. They can’t get that far. This is the Equestrian army we’re talking about!” She looked over to the princesses. “What can go wrong?”

Luna and Cadance exchanged a look.

Twilight’s teleport dropped her across the street from her new home. Home. The word and the image of the crystal tree didn’t quite mesh in her head yet. It was a probable reason why her teleport didn’t drop her right at the front door like it used to. It would come with practice, but the important thing right now was the army of guards stationed in front of her.

“ATTENTION!”

The whole congregation snapped to attention as one. Unicorns and pegasi stood on one side, and the crystal ponies stood on another. That was exactly what this little game was going to remedy.

The one exception to the divide was the orange pegasus that gave the command. He marched up to her and saluted. “Princess Twilight, I didn’t know you left. Is everything alright?”

She smiled. “Everything is fine, Flash. I have an announcement to make. Is this everypony?”

Flash Sentry looked around. “I think Captain Silver Wind is still inside. He was meeting with your friends about something.”

“Here, Your Highness!” A pegasus stallion adorned in purple and gold armor flew out of the castle gates, pulling his helmet over his white mane. He landed and snapped off a salute of his own. “Apologies, Princess Twilight. Lady Rarity wished to know what formations we would use for our procession inside.”

“Sir, didn’t she want to know that last night?”

Silver Wind closed his eyes and sighed. “That she did, Sentry. Begging your pardon, Highness, but I could not be happier you arrived when you did.” He opened his eyes and allowed a small smile. “However, I am pleased to report that the decoration is nearly complete. Everything is going according to schedule.”

“I’m afraid there’s been a change of plans, Captain.” Twilight took a breath and raised her voice. “Princesses Cadance and Luna have been kidnapped!”

Shouts of disbelief filled the air until Silver Wind flew up. “Hold! Hold! AT EASE! You are soldiers of Equestria, and you will keep your discipline!” He looked over his shoulder. “Princess Twilight, when did this happen? I just saw them this morning.”

Twilight spread her wings and joined him in the air. “One hour ago, the princesses were captured inside their rooms and spirited away somewhere in Ponyville. They are held by ropes that I have ensured can only be untied by a member of their specific guard. You must work together to find them!”

“What?” Flash Sentry looked up at her in confusion. “How would you know—” His eyes shot wide open, and he pumped a hoof in the air. “It’s a war game!”

Shouts of disbelief were replaced with those of excitement. Twilight raised her hooves for silence. “Twice now Equestria has been faced with a threat that incapacitated one or more princess. The purpose of this exercise is to test the effectiveness of the Equestrian military with no leadership. Expect no aid from myself or Princess Celestia when she arrives from Canterlot.”

Silver Wind landed and looked to Flash Sentry. “A military force must have one clear leader.”

Flash nodded. “After Princess Cadance, Shining Armor is our next in command. He isn’t here right now.”

“And after Celestia and Luna, I am next in our chain of command.”

“Sir, I would say we have a clear leader.”

“I will need your help as well. You know your stallions better than I do.”

“Of course, Captain. We’re at your command.”

Twilight gave a satisfied sigh. The first hurdle was handled with perfect professionalism. “With that decided, BEGIN!”

Silver Wind waved his hoof forward. “Arrest the traitor!”

Twilight blinked. “I’m sorry, what?” Before she could blink again, Flash Sentry tackled her to the ground. More guards charged forward to pin her down. “Let go! What are you doing? Let go!”

Flash grunted as he flipped her over to her stomach and pulled her forelegs back. “I’m sorry, was that too rough? This is still a game after all.”

“Yes, it’s too rough! What are you thinking?”

“Hold her tight, Sentry. Unicorns, bind her with the ropes.” Silver Wind crouched down. “I apologize for the indignity, but it’s part of the rules. War games begin when the initial action is taken. One hour ago, you said. The princesses were taken an hour ago from inside your castle, and the one who told us this was you. Who else would know what happened but the kidnapper?”

The guards let go of her, and Twilight struggled with the ropes. “But why would I kidnap them? It doesn’t make any sense!”

“The throne? An Equestria united under you and your brother? We’ll save the interrogation scene for when the investigation has more evidence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have malcontents to round up.”

“You what?”

“Everypony knows about the Elements of Harmony. Whatever you were planning, your friends were probably in on it. We can’t just leave them in there.”

“No, you’re supposed to search the castle! Search! Not attack! There are clues in the princesses’ chambers. You can’t just—whoa!” Flash Sentry hoisted her up to his back and walked away. “Hey, put me down!”

Silver Wind saluted and turned away. He took flight for the castle gates, shouting “Go, go, go!” A full spectrum of color surrounded the doors. With a mighty crash, they were pulled from their hinges. “In the name of Celestia—surrender, traitors!”

Twilight watched the guards pour into breach, following their fearless leader. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Ha! Neither can I.” Flash stopped next to a sky chariot and put her down. “All the war games at the academy were escorting merchants or something.” He shook his head with a grin. “This is practically a doomsday scenario. One princess kidnaps two others and who knows what she has planned for the fourth? This is awesome!”

“At least somepony is enjoying it.” She struggled against her ropes again. “You do realize how crazy this is, right? Cadance and Luna agreed to this! Why would we do something this elaborate with Celestia coming in so soon? This was supposed to be quick!”

He shrugged. “Silver Wind does things by the book. You haven’t noticed that yet? He won’t let something as obvious as your friends pass by without checking it out.”

“Except my friends don’t know what’s happening! Applejack and Rainbow Dash could really hurt some—”

“We got ’em!” Four crystal ponies ran out of the castle, each one with one of her friends bound on their back.

One of the guards dumped Fluttershy in the chariot, and she flopped over like a boned fish. Twilight leaned over to look into her eyes.

“She’s gone, Twi.” Applejack was dropped next. “Ah! Watch it, you sparkly piece of scum!”

Twilight smirked as Rainbow Dash blushed and scooted away from the others as soon as she hit the chariot. “And what happened to you?”

“I’m afraid dear Rainbow was caught in a fit of hysterics when the assault came.” The crystal pony carrying Rarity set her down gently. She smiled up at him. “Thank you, good sir.”

Twilight stared at Rainbow. “You were laughing. My new home was just invaded, and your response was to start laughing.”

Rainbow kicked at her. “I didn’t know they were serious!”

Flash’s hoof pointed at each of them. “Wait, where’s the other one?”

Silver Wind stormed out of the castle. “I never even saw a piano in there! Where did she get that? And the boards and nails! How could anyone build a barricade so quickly?”

Applejack let out a belly laugh. “That’s Pinkie Pie for you. Y’all better just let her be.”

A unicorn guard spoke up. “Begging your pardon sir, but we could probably—”

Splat!

A pie fell on his horn, and a voice boomed from the balcony. “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIVE!”

The unicorn licked his lips. “Hm. Lemon meringue.”

Another unicorn perked up. “Oh, I love lemon meringue!”

Splat!

“I ALSO HAVE PUMPKIN AND CHOCOLATE CREAM!”

“Enough!” Silver Wind slapped the pies off the guards’ horns. “We have prisoners that need questioning. Take them to Canterlot. For a plot of this scope, Celestia alone could pass judgement.”

Rarity squirmed in her bonds. “He... isn’t serious?”

Twilight sighed. “What do you think?”

“Twi, what in tarnation did you get us in to?”

“Oh, not much.” She leaned back. “I just kidnapped Princess Luna and Cadance and handed them over to somepony else for safekeeping. It’s only a drill. Once the guards find them, this will blow over.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “And who did you leave ‘em with? ‘Cause they just ripped down the doors to your castle and stormed in like locusts. They ain’t treating this like a game. Who in Ponyville could handle something like that?”

“Um, promise you won’t get mad?”

This is only a drill, right?

Scootaloo picked up the five cards in front of her. She fanned them out in her hooves to study them. The Jack of spades, the Jack of hearts, the six of diamonds, the Jack of clubs, and the two of spades waited for her. She pushed three jelly beans to the middle of the table.

“Raise.” Scootaloo put down her cards and picked up the five next to her, fanning them out in her hooves again. This time, the cards faced away from her. She held them at an angle to make sure no pony but Princess Luna could see them.

Luna let out a hum through her gag, and her eyes burned a hole through the cards. She shook her head.

Scootaloo tossed the cards back to Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle levitated another five cards in front of Princess Cadance. She waited patiently while Cadance hemmed and hawed and finally nodded. Sweetie Belle pulled three jelly beans from Cadance’s pile into the pot, looked at her own cards, and folded.

Apple Bloom sighed as she folded too. “Y’all know this would be easier if they weren’t tied, right?”

Scootaloo discarded her six and two, and Apple Bloom dealt her two more cards. “You know what Twilight said. Only the guards can untie them. That’s how we know they win.”

“Yeah, you really think I can match Twilight’s magic?” Sweetie Belle picked up Cadance’s cards again. “She cast a spell to make sure they can’t free themselves. What are we supposed to do?”

Cadance nodded her head and tapped the tip of her horn to three cards.

Sweetie Belle tossed those three cards aside, and replaced them with new ones from the deck.

Princess Cadance gave a sharp gasp and started writhing in her ropes, shaking her head wildly.

Scootaloo scratched the back of her neck. “I think she wanted to keep those, Sweetie Belle.”

“What? Why didn’t she just say... Oh. Right.”

Princess Luna chuckled—a sound that grew to muffled hysterics at the silent glare Cadance shot her.

“I... guess you fold?” Sweetie shrank as Cadance’s glare turned to her, and she discarded the set.

Apple Bloom gathered all the cards and straightened them out. “That was Cadance’s deal, right?”

Sweetie nodded. “Yeah, my turn.” She took the cards and started to shuffle them. “So what exactly are we going to do? Twilight said this would be quick, but it’s been half an hour already. What are we supposed to do with them?”

The question hung in the air. Scootaloo looked at her cards—a pair of tens—and bet. Once again, she showed Luna hers.

Luna hesitated.

“We could open a kissing booth.” The crusaders laughed, and Luna’s eyes burned again. This time, they were directed right at her. Scootaloo waited for the nod and pulled Luna’s beans into the pot. “Think about it! How big would the line be for these two? How many bits could we charge everypony?”

A guttural sound escaped from Princess Luna.

Cadance’s eyes relished in Luna’s discomfort. She folded without a thought.

Scootaloo continued, “Which one do you think would be more popular?”

Apple Bloom hummed and tapped her hoof. “Pipsqueak would go right for Luna. After that... I dunno.”

“Then it’s probably Princess Luna,” Sweetie said. She glanced at Cadance after she folded. “No offense. It’s just that colts are sheep.”

Cadance shrugged and nodded.

Scootaloo didn’t improve off the draw, but she still had one more card to play. “Who said we’re sticking to the colts?”

Even bound and gagged, Luna’s fury cut Scootaloo to the core. Not a sound was heard as Luna pointed her horn at four cards. Scootaloo tossed the last one away and replaced it, showing Luna her final card. The other three held their breath as the last bets were made.

Scootaloo showed her pair.

A look of triumph crossed Luna’s face.

Scootaloo flipped over her cards. “You got nothing.”

Luna glared at her.

She tapped Luna’s cards. “Four spades and this. It’s black, but it’s a club.” She fought to hold back her laughter. “Gotcha.”

A series of low hums escaped Luna’s gag. Her eyes narrowed with each sound, and her cheeks slowly lifted into a grin of her own.

Scootaloo bared her teeth.

Apple Bloom cleared her throat. “Maybe we could play—”

“Deal!”

“I-I’m out.” Sweetie Belle back away from the table. “I think I’ll... do something. Go to the house. Y-Yeah.”

“Have fun,” Scootaloo said, never looking away from Luna.

The thing Sweetie Belle loved most about the clubhouse was the location. While it was on a secluded part of the Apples’ farm, it was still on the Apples’ farm. A quick snack was never far away.

Neither was the comfort food of pies or turnovers or even a mug of cider from the family’s personal stash. Just what the doctor ordered to calm everypony down from the card game.

All she had to do was get past the ring of Royal Guard ponies surrounding the house.

Why was there a ring of Royal Guard ponies surrounding the house?!

“Hey!” Sweetie sprinted for the nearest guard, a crystal pony. “What’s happening? Is everyone alright?”

“Stop there,” he said. “No one is allowed in!”

An orange pegasus inside the ring turned around. “Hey, let her through. You know the rules.”

Sweetie stopped in her tracks. “Rules? What’s going on?”

The pegasus waved her forward. “It’s just an exercise, and you’re not part of it. What do you need, little one?”

The guards stared at her impassively, but the pegasus smiled and waved again. She stepped through the ring. “My friends and I were getting a little hungry, and I was hoping I... could go inside?”

“Hm.” He shook his head. “Sorry, little one, but—”

“Sweetie Belle.”

He smiled. “Sweetie Belle. I’m Flash Sentry. And I’m sorry, but there are more guards in the house. We’ve been ordered not to let anyone in until they’re done searching.”

“Searching for what? My friend lives here! You can’t just—”

A loud thud echoed out of the house, followed by the high-pitched screams of an old mare.

Flash Sentry rubbed his head. “Here she comes.”

“—this tomfoolery! I’ll have yer head, young’un! Takin’ an old lady out of her home like this!”

Two guards walked out of the house. Each one had a foreleg wrapped around one of Granny Smith’s.

“This here family knows Princess Twilight, you scoundrels! She ain’t gonna let you get away with this!”

Another pegasus pony followed her out. He wiped a hoof along his purple breastplate. “Princess Twilight is currently indisposed. Provided your saliva stays in your mouth, you will have ample opportunity to address any concerns at a later time.”

Sweetie tapped Flash’s hoof. “What did he say about Twilight? Where is she?”

Flash scrunched one side of his face in thought for a moment. “Alright, I guess it won’t hurt to tell you. She kidnapped Princesses Luna and Cadance and hid them somewhere in Ponyville for us to find. It’s only a drill, but she told us she did this outright, so we arrested her and shipped her back to Canterlot.”

“You WHAT?!” Sweetie Belle shrank after her scream drew the attention of everypony there.

“There!” Granny Smith pointed at her. “There’s yer culprits! Whatever’s gone wrong, they’re the ones you want!”

The impressive pegasus sighed and walked over. “Sentry, who is this?”

“Sweetie Belle, meet Captain Silver Wind. Captain, Sweetie Belle.”

“Is she a pony of interest?”

A unicorn sent a stack of documents floating through the air to Flash Sentry. He took them and laid them on the ground. “Sweetie Belle... Sweetie Belle... here she is! She’s Rarity’s sister, sir. Known associates: a pegasus named Scootaloo, and an earth pony named... Apple Bloom! We were looking for her!”

Sweetie nodded. “Yes, she’s my friend. She’s at our clubhouse right now if—wait, you have a file on me?”

Silver Wind blinked. “Madame Mayor was kind enough to give us a list of ‘troublemakers,’ as she put it.” He turned to Flash. “We really have a file on this filly?”

Flash didn’t answer.

“Sentry!”

“Oh! Sorry, Captain. I was... reading.” He lifted one of the papers. “Cutie Mark Crusaders: twelve counts of vandalism, both felony and misdemeanor. Multiple fines for operating pyrotechnics without a permit. Two counts of illegal intoxication of others. One charge of chicanerous application of poison joke. Numerous counts of invasion of privacy. Suspicion of referring to Ponyville’s duly elected official as ‘smelly.’ And... what in the wide world of Equestria is a noodle incident?”

Granny Smith shrieked in terror. “Noodles! Noodles everywhere!”

Flash and Silver Wind looked down on her in shock.

“It... it would have worked if Snips and Snails didn’t...”

Silver Winds shook his head. “Regardless—”

“Oh sir, there’s more. A citation for improper disposal of an industrial strength hair dryer. Banned from the local bowling alley. Bribery of a member of the royal family to impersonate and forge the signature of Princess Celestia in order to illegally obtain a library book.”

“Excuse me, Sentry?”

Flash nodded. “By order of the Lunar Throne, this charge was allowed to stand on the condition that Princess Twilight Sparkle change her name to Twinkle Sporkle. It was approved.” He flipped the paper, showing the bright green APPROVED stamped over the form.

“What’d I tell you whippersnappers? They’re the ones you’re after!”

Sweetie poked at the ground. “She’s right. And Twilight did pay us a visit this morning. Our clubhouse is close by if you need to search it...”

Silver Wind shook his head. “That won’t be necessary.”

“Okay. It’s right this—what?”

“There’s no reason for us to search your clubhouse.” He ruffled her mane. “You and your little friends don’t have to worry about us, Sweetums.”

“Sweetie!” She slapped his hoof away. “And what are you talking about? You arrested Twilight. I just told you we saw her this morning, and you know our reputation. You’re tearing apart my friend’s house, but you aren’t even going to check us out?”

“There’s no reason to. We know who we’re looking for, and we know they won’t be at your clubhouse.”

“No you don’t! Twilight wanted to get us back for stealing—er, borrowing that book, and she roped us into this scheme of hers!”

Flash laughed. “Not a bad theory, but you’re missing something. Sentence three in paragraph nine of rule seventeen-B in the Royal Guard handbook states that all war game participants must be the legal age of consent. You expect us to believe that Princess Twilight Sparkle doesn’t know the rules to the game she’s playing?”

“Yes! She, Luna, and Cadance cooked this plan up overnight!” Sweetie held her head. “Look, just come to clubhouse. Please. Everything—”

“We already have a plan,” Silver Wind said. “We’re checking the residence of all Princess Twilight’s friends and potential co-conspirators. If Princesses Luna and Cadance aren’t here, we’ll be moving to the Carousel Boutique to check there.”

Sweetie gasped. “That’s my sister’s house! You can’t!” She looked up to Flash Sentry. “Please! You. You come by yourself. I promise you’ll find them if you just come with me!”

Flash looked back and forth between her and his captain. “Should I humor her, sir?”

“You can play tea party with the locals on your own time, soldier. And you, Cutie—”

“Sweetie!”

“Sweetie. We’re a little old for you. Go find some colts your own age to play around with, instead.”

Her blood ran cold. “What did you say?”

“I said go find some colts your own age to play with. You reek of desperation. I would think your sister taught you better than that.”

“E-Excuse—” she heard something snap, and her face burned. “Excuse me?!”

Silver Wind didn’t back down from her shout. He took a step forward, towering over her. “I’ve seen your type before. Leave my stallions alone. You and your friends will just need to find some some colts to play in your little clubhouse. A filly like you shouldn’t have trouble bringing some in.”

“You... I... won’t have trouble.” Her lip quivered. She felt a sting in her eyes, but she blinked it back. A whimper tried to cross her lips, and she shut her mouth. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. There was only one thing she wanted him to hear.

Sweetie Belle hopped up. “BUCK YOU!” She spun and bolted away from the guards, finally letting her tears fall.

This WAS only a drill.

Sweetie Belle crashed through the door of the clubhouse. She bowed her head and gulped down breath after breath to recover from her sprint. Fresh tears still slipped from her eyes, falling to the floor.

“S-Sweetie?”

She didn’t know who spoke. Sweetie Belle glared around the clubhouse, ignoring the card game, until she saw it: her emergency pillow.

The momentum of her dive sent her somersaulting across the floor until she came to a stop resting on her haunches. As soon as she'd buried her muzzle as deeply into the pillow as she could, Sweetie Belle let out the scream that had been churning in her chest since her encounter with the captain.

Her world shrunk to the patch of fabric across her face and the muffled shriek that stayed trapped within its confines.

Sweetie Belle’s fury built, and she arched her back as the force of it drove the air from her lungs. She fell to her back, her hind hooves pounding the air until the fire in her chest crescendoed into one final roar. Sweetie planted her rear hooves and arched her back again.

And then it was over.

She collapsed. Her hooves fell away from pillow, and all four legs sprawled out, energy drained. Sweetie Belle sucked in hot, stale air through the pillow's fabric, and tried not to cry. Even though her rage had cooled, Silver Wind’s words wouldn’t get out of her head; instead, they marched about, taunting her.

The pillow got flipped off her face. Apple Bloom stared down at her, frowning. “Are you still alive?”

“He called me a tramp!”

“Who called you a tramp?!”

Sweetie sat up and pointed at Luna. “Him! Your captain! Silver Wind! He said I was after his stallions!”

Both Luna and Cadance’s eyes shot open wide, and they leaned in, giving her the same attention her friends did.

“Easy, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo said. “What are you talking about? What happened?”

“The stallions! He thought I—“ Sweetie wiped her eyes with a hoof and took a breath. “I told him about the princesses. I told him right to his face that Twilight gave them to us.”

“And he didn’t believe you?”

“H-He thought I was trying to get some stallions to come over. Stallions! He said I was desperate, and a filly like me shouldn’t have any problem bringing colts in!”

Luna sighed through her gag and dropped her head. Cadance flopped against her supportively, but almost overbalanced both of them.

Sweetie stamped her hoof. “I’m brewing the tea.”

“WHOA!” Scootaloo’s shout was joined by two muffled protests from the Luna and Cadance. “No, no, no! You can’t just—“

“He started this,” Sweetie growled, shoving a hoof in Silver Wind's general direction. “He even brought my sister into it! If that’s how he wants to play this game, fine. It’s on. It. Is. ON!”

Apple Bloom pointed at the princesses. “So you’re going to take it out on them? They didn’t do anything. Think about this, Sweetie Belle.”

“I have thought about it, Apple Bloom. You didn’t see what they’re doing.” Sweetie grit her teeth. “They dragged Granny Smith out of the farmhouse. They were tearing it apart looking for the princesses. They’re going to the Boutique next. All because they wouldn’t listen to me!”

“They tore it... my room! Sweetie Belle, tell me they didn’t go into my room!”

“There was nothing stopping them from going into your room.”

Apple Bloom whined and covered her face. “And they dragged out Granny? L-Like she was a varmint?”

“Just like she was a varmint. They’ve gone too far. I’m brewing the tea.”

Scootaloo shook her head. “Don’t you remember what Twilight said? It’s a drill, and we know what they’re looking for.” She flicked her tail at the princesses. “We just have to make sure the guards find them. They’re heading for Rarity’s? Let’s get these two over there.”

“How?” Sweetie sized up the alicorns. “You can’t drag them there with your scooter. They’re too big.”

Cadance hmmphed through her gag. Luna huffed a muffled laugh and wiggled her flank against her.

“Sorry.”

“I’ll go,” Apple Bloom said. “I can run over and talk some sense into them. Are they still at the farmhouse?”

“They won’t listen—“

“Anything is better than your tea, Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo sat down, glaring at her. “You’re going to make these two suffer because of one pegasus?”

“I... I...” Sweetie sighed. “There... was another pegasus. Flash Sentry. He was nice.”

Apple Bloom smiled. “Alright, maybe he’ll listen. I’m out. Take care of things here.”

“He’s the orange one!” Sweetie called out as Apple Bloom ran out the door, then stood at the window and watched her running away. With a shake of her head, Sweetie Belle walked over to their wooden crate.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s not going to work, Scootaloo. Flash was nice, but he still listened to the captain. We need a back-up plan.” She opened the box and pulled out a kettle.

“You still want to brew the tea.”

She pulled out a tray wrapped in tin foil. “Yep. I’ve still got everything here, too.”

“Wait, everything? Sweetie, that was last week! What about the peppers? And... and the lemon wedges? You still have them here?”

“Where else would I keep them?”

“INCOMING!”

Apple Bloom charged toward the sounds of chaos. She had managed to avoid the lecture from Granny Smith and Big Macintosh for now, but they spotted her when she poked her head inside. While the house wasn’t in that bad a shape, Granny’s favorite chair was missing a leg. If the guards did that to Granny’s chair, and they were on their way to Rarity’s...

Was this how Applejack felt chasing after the Crusaders all the time?

Now wasn’t the time for that. The Carousel Boutique was close, and from all the shouts, it didn’t sound like they made it inside yet. Apple Bloom crossed the bridge over the creek and—

“What in tarnation?”

“Get down! All of you!” A pure white pegasus danced in the air, dodging a barrage of... pies? The path from the bridge to the front of the Boutique was littered with pie tins and smeared with a cacophony of chocolate and gelatin. “Where did she get a catapult?”

“She built it, sir!”

“HOW?”

“The piano, sir! By the time we saw what she was up to, it was too late!”

“You fools—!”

“INCOMING!”

The guards scattered, leaving Apple Bloom alone on the bridge. “What? Where’s everypony going?” She looked up. Five specks in the sky fell towards her, spreading out to cover the length of the bridge. They grew larger with every heartbeat.

Somepony crashed into her, dragging her along in a roll. Orange wings wrapped around her until the she heard five splats onto the bridge. The wings opened, and a friendly face looked down on her. “You okay there, Apple Bloom?”

“Yep. Flash Sentry, right?”

“I am. Sweetie Belle?”

“Sweetie Belle.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Can’t imagine she’s too happy with us right now.”

“She ain’t. What are you—“

“INCOMING!”

Apple Bloom grunted as Flash Sentry grabbed her and took off, flying back to the cover of other buildings. More guard ponies took shelter with them, and the white pegasus soon joined them. His purple armor was smeared with chocolate, but he still carried himself straight and proud. Apple Bloom glared up at him. “Silver Wind. I’ve gotta bone to pick with you.”

His eyelids drooped down in boredom. “Another one? What do you want?”

“You called Sweetie Belle easy! A little filly! What kind of stallion are you?!”

“The kind that has a job to do, and doesn’t have time to waste on childish games!”

“I know all about your job! You’re supposed to be finding the princesses. What are you doing wasting time with my family and Rarity’s place?”

Flash put a hoof on her shoulder. “Slow down, there. We’re supposed to find them as quickly as possible, and we’re just checking—“

“And ‘cause of his yapping, my friend is upset and ready to do something stupid to them!”

“She doesn’t—!” Silver Wind took a breath. “As explained to Miss Belle, you and your friends are too young to participate in this exercise. There is no reason to believe that you three have the princesses. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a situation to deal with.”

Apple Bloom stood in stunned silence as Silver Wind turned away. She looked up to Flash Sentry. “What’s he talking about? Twilight brought them to the clubhouse this morning. She said you would figure it out quick. Didn’t she say anything about us?”

He looked to the side. “She was... pretty surprised when we arrested her. She didn’t say much of anything until we brought her friends out.”

“Her friends save one,” Silver Wind growled over his shoulder. “And that one has our entire troop pinned down!”

Two pegasi started trembling, and one of them spoke up. “We tried to keep an eye on her, sir, but she started throwing pecan pie at us. I’m allergic to pecans.”

Apple Bloom shook her head. “It’s Pinkie Pie, isn’t it? Y’all should be thanking her! If you messed up one of Rarity’s... wait, where’s Rarity? I thought she was at the castle with my sister?”

“Canterlot!” Silver Wind shouted. “They're all in Canterlot! They're right where they should be! And where we should be is inside the residence of a suspect!”

“What are they doin’ in Canterlot?! What suspect? Twilight said we were—”

“Princess Twilight gave us this assignment. While it may be considered an exercise, it is an official matter, and it will be handled as such. And you are interfering.” He looked behind her. “Sentry, take a flight of pegasi and draw her fire away from the Boutique.”

“Sir, that may not work. From what I understand, this one cares about her friends. She won’t take the bait.”

“I am counting on it. If she fires at you, we’ll have an opportunity to break in. If she fires at us, you will have an opportunity to get close and disable that weapon. Understood?”

“Yes sir!” Flash Sentry took wing, calling for more pegasi to join him.

Silver Wind walked away.

“Hey!” Apple Bloom chased after him. “I’m not through with you yet!”

He spun around. “But I am through with you. You will not demean or deride this operation.”

“I’m not—”

“Going to do anything but go back to your friends and tell them to abandon whatever scheme-hatchery you three are plotting.”

“There is no—”

“We read your file.”

“That doesn’t mean—”

“We know who you are.”

“So?”

“So your sisters are going to wait patiently for the end to come! There’s nothing you can do for them, and harassing us during our job will not bring them back any faster.”

“Why did you even send them to Canterlot in the first place?! It doesn’t make a lick of sense—”

“It makes perfect sense!” Silver Wind stormed forward and leered over her. “Princess Twilight staged a kidnapping in her own castle. Her friends were inside her castle. Ergo, her friends were aware of the plot!”

“Except they weren’t!”

The captain sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. “Unlike you, they are the proper age!”

Apple Bloom shrank under his shout. “Y-You—”

“No, you will not interfere. You will not get in our way. You will go home and let us do our job. And I will do my job! No pie catapult, no shenanigans, no bratty little fillies will stop our success! Am I clear?!”

“You... who do you think you are?”

A unicorn guard tapped Silver Wind’s shoulder. “Excuse me, sir? The pies have stopped. Are you ready to begin?”

Silver Wind kept his eyes on her. “I am the Captain of the Royal Guard. And you will stay out of the big ponies’ way.”

Scootaloo paced in front of the princesses. Apple Bloom was taking too long. She kept her eye on Sweetie Belle, hunched over the hot plate they kept for sleepovers. Her kettle was warming up now, and the preparations were nearly done.

Peppers were ground to powder and ready for mixing. Lemons were cut to wedges and ready for squeezing. The mystery leaves and the few twigs Sweetie Belle used for “flavor” were ready for their bath.

And everything was a week older. A week staler. A week more poisonous.

Hoof steps clopped up to the door. Apple Bloom pushed it open and stepped inside. She closed it and sat down, looking at the floor.

Scootaloo waited.

Sweetie Belle waited.

Princess Luna rolled her eyes, sighed through her nose, and looked at Cadance, who shrugged and nodded at Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom looked at them. Then Scootaloo. And finally Sweetie Belle. “I... I don’t like him.”

Sweetie nodded. “Right?”

“He’s a grade A jerk!”

“Right?”

Scootaloo stepped forward. “C-Come on, Apple Bloom. He couldn’t have been... what about the other one? Flash?”

“He didn’t believe me, either.”

Sweetie tilted her head towards the kettle. “So?”

Apple Bloom looked to each princess. She bowed her head to the floor again. “Brew it.”

The drill? Anyone? Please?

The drill? Anyone? Please?

Scootaloo smashed her head into a fence post.

It hurt.

She did it again.

It didn’t hurt as much. Maybe if she killed some more brain cells, she could wrap her head around the situation.

Two princesses were tied up in a clubhouse. The ponies responsible for their protection were doing everything in their power to not look in the clubhouse, because they didn’t believe the princesses were there. Even though they were told to their faces—twice—that they were.

It didn’t help that the one pony in charge of the whole thing got herself arrested because she didn’t understand the rules of what she was doing. Or that the pegasus in charge of finding the princesses was going out of his way to insult the ones that were taking care of them. Or that the first one he insulted knew the recipe for liquefied timberwolf breath. Or that the second one he insulted wasn’t going to lift a hoof to stop the first one from using it.

Scootaloo smashed her head again. It hurt more. She sighed. Thinking about stuff must have made her brain work harder.

The breeze carried a sound with it, short and faint. It sounded like a voice. Scootaloo perked her ears up and turned around, but only saw the trees of the farm. Leaves rustled in the wind. She shook her head and trotted down the path to the farmhouse again.

She had galloped at first. She had run circles around the clubhouse until Apple Bloom started throwing things at her. After that, Scootaloo zipped all over the orchard, around the pond, to and from the farmhouse. Rainbow Dash always told her to think on her hooves, but it wasn’t helping.

Maybe she would think better on her scooter.

Scootaloo sighed and turned around. Something crashed through the branches of a tree in front of her, too noisily and heavily to be a bird or a squirrel. She sprinted to the trunk before the falling leaves reached the ground. “Who’s there?!”

Branches rustled as something shifted behind the green curtain.

She dashed around the trunk and found the small gap from whoever-it-was’s entry. A telltale flash of black whipped after a gray body. “Rumble! I know it’s you! How many colts in this town have black tails?”

Scootaloo froze. There was only one. That was how they could prove it. But the guards wouldn’t believe them.

“Rumble, come down! We need to talk.”

He didn’t answer.

Scootaloo spotted an apple lying on the ground. She bit it and tossed it up in the air, turned and bucked the apple into the tree. It sailed clear through the tree's branches, rustling a few leaves on its way out to the other side. She walked over to another apple.

“I’ve got a lot of ammo down here, Rumble. I’ll get you.”

A hoof reached out and pulled some leaves out of the way. Rumble stuck his head out. “What do you want?”

“Come down.”

“No!”

“Rumble—” Scootaloo shook her head. “This isn’t about the water balloons. I just want to talk.”

“Get rid of the apple.”

She kicked it away.

He narrowed his eyes, but crept out of the tree. Rumble flapped his wings slowly, letting himself down halfway to the ground before hovering. “What do you want?”

“Come down.”

“I’m fine here, thanks.”

“Fine. Look, I need a favor. Follow me to the clubhouse.”

Rumble crossed his forelegs. “You must think I’m royally stupid.”

“You just followed me a minute ago!” she snapped.

“Why wouldn’t I follow you? You were slamming your head against a post.” His face softened. “That... wasn’t like you. Is everything okay?”

“No. That’s why I need you at the clubhouse.” She fidgeted at his hesitation. “If we prank you, I’ll let you take my next flying lesson with Rainbow Dash.” She held out a hoof.

He stared at it for a moment, then swooped down to tap his hoof to hers. “Deal!”

Apple Bloom glared down at her when the pegasi reached the clubhouse. “What’s he doing here?”

“He can help us,” Scootaloo said. “I already promised him this isn’t payback.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

Rumble hovered in place, letting Scootaloo finish climbing the walkway. “I swear, it was Featherweight’s idea.”

“Featherweight dropped all those balloons on us, huh?”

“That’s enough,” Scootaloo said. “We need a messenger, and he’s the one I found. Just keep Sweetie Belle away from him.” She pushed by Apple Bloom and stepped inside. “Come on in, Rumble. This won’t take long.”

Sweetie Belle looked up. She beamed and lifted the kettle off the hot plate. “Hiya, Rumble! Want some tea?”

“Sure!”

“NO!” Scootaloo pointed to the princesses. “That’s why you’re here, Rumble.”

Rumble looked to follow her hoof and jumped back, jaw slack and eyes popping out of his head.

The princesses, for their part, didn’t look too happy, either. Cadance’s eyes matched Rumble’s. Luna’s cheeks flushed, and she glared back and forth between the pegasi.

“Focus, Rumble. I know you’re wondering what’s going on, but—”

“Can... can I play, too?”

Apple Bloom slapped him with her tail. “No drooling!”

Scootaloo groaned. “Okay, the short version. The Royal Guards need to find them, and they don’t believe we have them. We’re going to take a feather from each one, and you carry them to the guards.”

He nodded and trotted towards Princess Cadance. “Two feathers coming up.”

Scootaloo bit his tail and dragged him back. She glared and stomped a hoof. “You stay right here. Apple Bloom, you get the feathers.”

Princess Cadance gasped, and shook her head as Apple Bloom walked forward. She squirmed in her ropes, but couldn’t escape the filly’s teeth, yelping as a feather was plucked from her wing.

Rumble winced. “Jeez, Apple Bloom! Be gentle!”

“What?” she said through clamped teeth. “Scoot said to pluck a feather, so I plucked a feather.”

“I said take a feather! We don't want to hurt them." Scootaloo shook her head. "Ugh, you watch the colt; I’ll get Luna’s.” She walked over to Princess Luna, smiled up at her and ran a hoof over her blue wing. As gently as she could, she separated out the feathers until she found a loose one, then pulled it out with a careful tug. “See? Their wings have been tied all day. I told Twilight it wasn’t good for them.”

Rumble leaned in and took the tip of Luna’s feather in his mouth. “So... what? I tell the guards I found these in the Everfree Forest or something?”

“Nope, you bring ‘em right here.”

“Here? But they’ll catch—”

Apple Bloom blew Cadance’s feather into Rumble’s face. “They’ll do what they should have done a long time ago. Just do the job.”

Scootaloo nodded. “This has gone on too long. Trust me Rumble, the guards have been looking forward to this.”

“So... have... I!” Sweetie Belle sang. She took the lid off the kettle and took a deep sniff. “We can’t make things too easy for them, can we?”

Rumble picked up Cadance’s feather. “If that’s what you want, one siege coming up.” He headed for the door. “Gotta admit, things are never boring when you three are involved.” He jumped over the railing and called over his shoulder, “Good luck!”

After a moment, Sweetie Belle giggled. “He went for Princess Cadance first, didn’t he?”

Luna growled.

Cadance smirked.

The glint of gold in the sunlight drew closer and closer through the trees. Sweetie Belle watched from the terrace of the clubhouse. She shifted her weight back and forth, rocking side-to-side and letting her anticipation build.

“Easy, Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo said. “Don’t choke her out.”

Sweetie Belle looked down at Princess Cadance. Her forelegs were wrapped around Cadance’s head, keeping her still. “Oh, she’s fine. Aren’t you, Princess?”

Cadance whimpered. Her eyes were locked on the teacup hovering in Sweetie Belle’s magic.

Sweetie looked over to the other Crusaders. Princess Luna sat between them, with Scootaloo pinning her down and Apple Bloom holding the teacup—very carefully—in her mouth. The sound of heavy approaching hoofsteps filled the air. Silver Wind led the march, and Flash Sentry followed on his right. Every step brought them closer and closer to the clubhouse.

And closer to the third teacup. It sat on the tree stump just beyond the ramp. Sweetie Belle felt her grin grow and grow until her cheeks started to hurt. She saw Silver Wind raise an eyebrow.

He stopped, and his guards stopped behind him, waiting for his command.

The Crusaders stared at him from behind the clubhouse railing.

He studied them in return.

Sweetie tightened her grip on Cadance. “Told you!”

“So you did.” His eyes moved across the terrace. “Princesses, are you unharmed?”

Scootaloo sighed. “You see they’re gagged, right?”

“Standard regulations,” Flash Sentry said. “Whenever faced with a hostage situation, try to ascertain the condition of the subjects before determining whether to take direct or indirect action.”

Silver Wind nodded. “Rule five, paragraph two, sentence four. Now what little game are you three playing at?”

Sweetie Belle ground her teeth. “Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago, you son of a—”

“Sweetie!”

“I’m not doing it, Scootaloo! I’m not putting up with his condescending—”

“We’re almost done. Do you hear me? We’re almost done! Don’t you go rogue on us now. Stick to the plan!”

Sweetie Belle took a breath. The guards had spread out during her aside, and they formed a semicircle around the clubhouse. “Get them back! One wrong move and this little cup here will tip.” She dipped the cup, and felt Cadance squirm in her grasp.

“And don’t feel left out, Captain,” Scootaloo said with a smile. “We left you a sample. Have a taste. See what these two are facing.”

Silver Wind looked down at the cup. “Tea. That’s your master plan?” He picked up the cup. “What was Princess Twilight thinking? The grand war game was to put the princesses under the care of three fillies? That’s all we were up against? That’s all she thinks of us?”

He tossed his head back and drank all the tea with one gulp.

He froze.

“Uh, Captain?” Flash Sentry tapped his back with a wing. “Is everything alright?”

Silver Wind pulled the cup away from his lips. He tilted his hoof and let it fall to the ground. Slowly, surely, deliberately, he lowered his foreleg. His armored hoof ground it into dust.

Sweetie Belle laughed down on him. “My own special blend!”

His lips pulled back into a sneer. “It tasted like Discord wiped his armpits and wrung the rag over a bowl of soupy oatmeal that was left outside for a week and then strained for the fluid to be used in the boiling of the last few black leaves picked up before winter comes in.”

“And if you don’t back off, your two precious princesses will get a nice big mouthful!” Sweetie Belle pried Cadance’s mouth open. “Oh sure, the gag is there. A lot of it will get blocked, but the taste. It will get soaked into the cloth, and there will be no way to get it out.” She pulled the cup closer and closer, tilting it farther and farther. “She can’t spit it out, or swallow it, or—”

“Fall back! All guards, fall back!”

Sweetie Belle watched the encroaching guards pull back to Silver Wind before pulling the cup upright. Cadance’s sigh of relief brushed her cheek.

Scootaloo gave a low whistle. “That guy is a rock.”

“I wanted to hear him scream.”

“Remember what we talked about.” Scootaloo nodded at the guards, looking back at them from their huddle. “Apple Bloom is watching for pegasi from above. Their unicorns will probably grab the cups. Let ‘em take it. He drank the tea, so you got what you wanted. They get what they want.”

“Everyone goes home with warm fuzzies. Yeah, I remember.”

Silver Wind walked forward alone. His teeth were bared in a grimace, and his nostrils flared with every breath. “We... we surrender!”

Sweetie Belle’s smile vanished. “What.”

“My soldiers will make no move against you.”

Scootaloo stepped up to the railing, dragging a protesting Luna’s head with her. “What?”

“Do not harm the princesses, and we are willing to negotiate.”

Apple Bloom’s mouth fell open, and her teacup bounced and rolled away. “What?!”

“What will it take to release them? Name your terms. We will do everything in our power to meet them.”

Two muffled exclamations rang out.

“That tea was an abomination of both Gaia and pony, Your Highnesses. I will not see you poisoned.”

Flash Sentry cleared his throat and joined Silver Wind. “Rule one, paragraph one, sentence one: ‘No harm is to befall a princess.’ Sentence two: ‘Ever.’”

The army of guards behind them dropped to their knees as one, leaving Silver Wind and Flash Sentry alone with the Crusaders.

Sweetie Belle blinked. “Did... did we just conquer Equestria?”

Scootaloo shook her head. “I don’t think—”

“The princesses are trapped here. The army is kneeling. They just said they’ll get us what we want. I think my tea just conquered Equestria!”

Apple Bloom sniffed the air. “Speaking of that, I wouldn’t mind having something to drink. That tea got a little close for comfort.”

Sweetie Belle grinned. “Some real tea, then. With crumpets!”

“Tea and crumpets? Ugh!” Scootaloo groaned. “Cake and ice cream!”

Apple Bloom’s face lit up. “Tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream! We conquered Equestria! Let’s pig out a little.”

“And a castle!” Sweetie said. “We want tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream served to us in a castle! Canterlot castle!”

Luna groaned.

“Twilight’s castle,” Scootaloo corrected. “She’s the one who dragged us into this.”

Silver Wind traded a look with Flash Sentry. “Agreed. Release the princesses and we’ll start preparing the meal. I believe the castle has a fully stocked kitchen, and there is always the sweets shop on main street.”

“Yeah,” Flash Sentry said, “that really won’t be a problem.”

“Sentry!”

Sweetie Belle giggled. “It won’t, will it? Well then, let’s have our tea and crumpets and cake and ice cream served to us by Princess Celestia.”

Cadance gasped.

Silver Wind snarled, “You dare—?!”

“We dare, alright!” Apple Bloom turned and hissed, “What was that?”

“It’s called seizing the moment, Apple Bloom. Look, they’re either serious, or there’s an ambush coming our way. Let’s get what we can.”

Scootaloo grinned. “A private show by the Wonderbolts! Make it happen and we have a deal!”

Flash Sentry shook his head. “They’re on tour in the Crystal Empire right now. We can’t get them.”

Sweetie Belle tsk, tsk, tsked. “That’s too bad. I hope you’re thirsty, Cadance.”

“Wait! Wait! G-Give us a moment. I have an idea.” Flash pulled Silver Wind away and whispered in his ear. His captain shook his head immediately, but Flash held firm. He pointed up the clubhouse, lips moving faster with every word.

Sweetie Belle couldn’t believe her eyes. Silver Wind, proud Silver Wind, slumped down. His wings drooped to the ground, and his head bowed. He opened his mouth, but his lips didn’t move. One nod was all he managed.

Flash turned back to the Crusaders. “What if we put Celestia in a maid costume? We found one buried in a closet at the Carousel Boutique.”

Nopony spoke.

Princess Luna fell out of Scootaloo’s hooves. She rolled around, tossing her head back in muffled laughter.

Sweetie’s cheeks flushed. “Why... why was there a maid costume in the Boutique?”

Scootaloo coughed. “It, uh, it’s not the Wonderbolts, but it might be pretty funny.”

Luna nodded emphatically.

Apple Bloom blinked and shook her head. “There’s... there’s no way. She wouldn’t do it. You can’t promise that. Princess Celestia would never stoop that low.”

“Low?” Sweetie Belle shrieked. “What was a maid costume doing in the Boutique?”

Flash Sentry tapped his chin. “If... if we explain that it was for Luna’s safety, I think we can convince her. And with three princesses already involved in this drill, we might be able to argue that she should be included too. I’ll check the rulebook.”

“If we agree to this,” Scootaloo said, “and Princess Celestia gets out of it, you’re on the line. We get to think of something embarrassing for you to do.”

“Then why does my sister have a maid costume?!” Sweetie Belle clutched her head, letting go of Cadance and the teacup.

“It’s a deal!” Silver Wind called out.

Flash jumped in surprise. “Huh? But Captain—!”

“Now will you let them go?”

Scootaloo shrugged. “Sure. Come get ‘em.”

“Ha-HA! Step lightly, Sentry!” Silver Wind charged forward. The crowd of guards behind him stood and cheered. He stopped at the foot of the ramp, and looked back. “Sentry, why the hesitation? You heard Princess Twilight! A member of the Crystal Guard must be the one to free Princess Cadance. Swiftly now!”

Flash Sentry took flight, dragging his hooves on the ground.

Silver Wind bounded up the ramp, sending Scootaloo and Apple Bloom scrambling out of the way. “Princess Luna, it is a pleasure to see you unharmed. You as well, Princess Cadance. Sentry! Where are you?”

“Here,” he grumbled.

Sweetie Belle got out his way and stood next to her friends. “We aren’t going to make him do anything too bad, are we? He was nice.”

“He was pretty nice,” Apple Bloom said.

“Alright,” Scootaloo said with a shrug, “you two can decide what he does. It all depends on Celestia and the maid costume anyway.”

Apple Bloom grinned. “There is no way—”

“We are ever talking about that,” Sweetie Belle growled. She silenced Scootaloo with a look, and watched the two guard ponies undo their princess’s ropes. She sighed as the two gags were removed. It was finally over. “I am going to need so much cake to get over today...”

Flash looked over to her. “You won’t have to wait long. Princess Celestia is due to arrive in an hour or so.”

Luna shoved a hoof in her mouth to stifle her fresh laughter.

Scootaloo joined her. “I call ‘not it’ on telling her.”

“Oh, I’ll tell her,” Silver Wind said. “I’m looking forward to it in fact.” He raised his eyebrow at the incredulous looks given to him. “It’s an officer’s duty to report to his superiors. Especially on a successful operation! Why shouldn’t I be the one to tell her?”

Princess Cadance opened her mouth, then paused. She grimaced. With a shake of her head, she walked down the ramp.

To the victors...

Apple Bloom kicked her hind legs onto the table. “Crusaders, this is the life.”

Sweetie Belle swallowed a mouthful of cake. “I’m sorry, did you say something? I couldn’t hear you over this deliciousness I’m enjoying while my ice cream melts over a hot crumpet.”

“Why wait?” Scootaloo said, pressing two crumpets together over a big scoop of chocolate ice cream. She took a bite and reclined back on her throne.

Rainbow Dash’s throne, actually.

Apple Bloom tilted her head back and studied the now upside-down three apples that adorned her seat. “They’ve had meetings, right?” She looked over the table again—over the fresh crumpets, the rainbow of cake frostings, the bowls and bowls of ice cream—to look at the three gems over Sweetie Belle and the lightning bolt over Scootaloo. “We’re not the first ones to sit here, are we?”

Sweetie Belle chewed her lip. “It might have been excessive to have them drag the other four over to the side.”

Scootaloo took another bite of her sandwich. “Worf it. Hod to git the table.”

“Ew! Scootaloo, we don’t have a reason for bad manners!”

“Sure we do! We aren’t cleaning this up.” Ice cream dripped off the back of her crumpets and hit the golden floor. Scootaloo gulped. “Are we?”

Apple Bloom snatched a bowl of sweet-carrot vanilla with caramel swirl. “We won the game, didn’t we? They wouldn’t make us clean it up.” No sooner had the words left her mouth than the crusaders exchanged worried looks. She picked up the silver bell on the table and rang it.

The doors on the left side opened. Princess Celestia entered, carrying a tray on her back. Her flowing mane was tied under a hoof towel, and a tight black blouse wrapped around her forelegs and barrel. Two stockings were pulled up to the hocks on her hind legs.

“Miladies,” she said with a smile, bowing low. “How may I serve you?”

Apple Bloom eyed the perfectly balanced tray through the bow. “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but... have you done this before?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, but her smile remained. “I don’t believe that information was part of the deal.” She stood straight again and levitated most of the dirty dishes onto her tray. “Are you ready for your tea now?”

“Actually,” Scootaloo said, “the deal is why we brought you in here.”

“Oh, the clothes really aren’t so bad now that I’m used to them. The costume is certainly a little small, but Rarity has good taste in—”

“Moving on.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “We were just wondering what happens now.”

Apple Bloom snorted. “We were wondering if we’re gonna get stabbed in the back. Who’s cleaning up all this?”

Celestia picked up a bowl of ice cream. She gave the crusaders an impish grin. “My little ponies, don’t worry about cleaning for one moment.” The golden aura faded, and the bowl dropped to the table, spilling the ice cream. The bowl rolled over the edge and clattered along the floor.

“Hm. Clumsy me.”

Sweetie Belle’s eye bugged out of her head. “You... what... did you...?”

The bowl levitated in a golden aura again. “As I said, don’t worry about the cleaning. You could say there is an entire army ready and waiting for the job.” Celestia turned and walked away. “I’ll bring your tea momentarily.”

Scootaloo gaped. “We should have asked to be princesses for a day instead of just a meal.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head. “We should have stayed on her good side.”

“And whose fault was that?” Apple Bloom said, picking up a slice of cake. She tossed it up and down.

Scootaloo pressed another scoop of ice cream between two crumpets and pulled them apart. She grinned.

“You wouldn’t.” Sweetie Belle looked back and forth between them. “Never mind the clean-up. I know where you both sleep.”

Celestia walked back in. “Tea time, miladies.” Three cups floated over to rest in front of each filly. “You each have your own special blend, I believe.”

Apple Bloom sniffed her cup. “Ooh, is that cinnamon? I love cinnamon!” She took a sip, and a smile spread across her face. “That is so good!”

Sweetie Belle took a sip of her own. “Mmm! How much honey did they put in this? It’s great!”

Scootaloo swallowed her mouthful and tilted her head. “It’s okay.”

Celestia laughed. “I’ll be sure to pass that on. Luna just left for Canterlot.”

“Oh?” Sweetie took another sip. “She didn’t stay for the ceremony?”

“I believe my sister will be taking a vacation,” Celestia said with a smile. “I heard she retained the services of two ponies who own a spa here in Ponyville. Lotus and Aloe? They will be staying with Luna for the next few days.”

Apple Bloom paled. “Back up. You said you would let her know. Did... Luna brew the tea?”

“She did. Ah! That reminds me. She had a message for you.” Celestia’s brow furrowed. “‘Kissing booth.’ Luna said you would understand?” She looked at each of them, but no one said a word. She shrugged and left.

Scootaloo dumped her tea over a cake. Soaked blue sludge was the last thing to drip out, and the tea itself had a distinctly blue hue... disguised by the blue-dyed porcelain.

Apple Bloom looked into her own cup and threw it away after a brief pause, horror spreading over her face. “You’ve gotta be kidding me!"

All three stared at the spreading blue stain on the floor. "Poison joke?!”

... go the toils.

Princess Twilight’s eyes burned into him. “You’re late.”

Flash Sentry fidgeted in his apron. “I met Princess Celestia—”

“You’re. Late.”

He snapped to attention, wing holding a box of soaps and cleaning solutions. “A-apologies, Your Highness.”

Twilight looked him over. “I was wrong, when we spoke earlier. There was somepony else that enjoyed this little game as much as you did.” She pulled out one of the three rags in his apron. “Oh, Celestia had such the laugh when she saw me in court. She said—”

“‘What did you get roped into this time?’” His mouth slammed shut at her death glare.

“First, yes. Second, I don’t—nor do I want to—understand why she chose to wear that thing and spare you from that little deal you cut.” Twilight threw the rag into his face. “But since you were the one who suggested it in the first place, you aren’t going to sit by while she does all the work.”

Flash grinned as he pulled the rag away. He shoved it back in his belt and looked at the doors behind Twilight. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I’ve seen the mountain of dishes the boys in the kitchen have to deal with.”

Twilight grinned as well, a look that sapped the relief he felt. “You don’t know these three like I do. I want my throne room spotless, and you’re going to make sure of that all on your—”

“Zecora’s! Now!”

The doors burst open, and the three fillies bolted out. Twilight yelped and jumped to the side.

Sweetie Belle cocked her head as she ran past. “Doesn’t Twilight have a copy—”

“Keep runnin’!” Apple Bloom commanded.

“But—”

“The library’s gone! She’s useless!”

Flash couldn’t believe his ears. “TOO SOON!” he called after the fillies. “What in Equestria got into them?”

Twilight chewed her lip and gazed after them.

“Hey.” Flash brushed her side with his free wing. “You okay?”

She opened her mouth, closed it, and nodded. “Yeah. It’s... fine. It was home, and now..." Twilight looked up at the crystal ceiling. "Now this is.” Her lips pulled into a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “They’re just kids, anyway. They didn’t know what they were—is that cake frosting?”

Flash blinked. “What?”

Twilight pointed to a smear of red on the floor. “That looks like cake frosting.”

He looked down and pointed at a spot of yellow. “That does too.” There was another spot nearby, and another, and another. A trail of cake frosting followed the Crusaders’—

“Hoof steps,” they said together. They looked into each others’ eyes.

He swallowed.

She nodded.

They turned towards the open doors.

The box fell from Flash’s wing. “You can’t be serious.”

“Did they run across the table?”

Plates and bowls were strewn across the table and floor. One of the tea cups lay shattered in a blue puddle, and the other two lay tipped over next to each other. Melting ice cream dripped from the tabletop to stain the golden circle in the center of the room, and spatters of ice cream dotted the starburst in its center like a gruesome ice cream crime scene. Flattened pieces of cake and crumpets led to the door, then faded to the scattered streaks of cake frosting they had seen in the hallway.

“I’ll... um, pull some more guards from the kitchen to help you.”

Silver Wind dumped a pail of water on the bridge. The water splashed and ran in rivulets down the slope, soaking into the stains left over from the barrage of pies. He sighed and pressed his hoof down on his sponge.

“Oh Silvy, that’s not how you’re supposed to do it!”

He looked at the pink pony over his shoulder. “Why are you still here?”

“I’m helping, silly! WHEEEEEE!” Pinkie Pie launched herself forward and slid down the bridge on all fours, a soapy sponge strapped to each hoof. She hit the bottom and beamed up at him. “See? Who said cleaning up had to be boring?”

The guards sweeping up pie crusts and dancing around swarms of ants glared at her from behind.

Silver Wind blinked slowly. “Are you even familiar with the concept of punishment?”

Pinkie blew a raspberry. “Punishment, shmunishment. I launched the pies, and now I’m helping you clean them up! Cleaning up after yourself is all part of the Official Party Pony Credo!”

He shook his head. “I can’t tell if you’re serious or not.”

“Of course I’m serious! You can’t have an Official Party Pony Credo if it isn’t official, or if no party pony follows it! Failure to follow standard regulations results in removal of the party pony from the Official Party Pony Party Planners of Equestria.” Pinkie snapped her hooves together and nodded. “Standard regulations!”

Silver Wind snagged the bucket with a hoof and flew over the railing. “Now you’re just mocking me.”

Pinkie looked horrified. “Am not!”

“Yes, you are.” He hovered over the creek and filled the bucket, flying back up when it was done. “There is no such organization as the Official Party Pony Party Planners of Equestria.”

She trotted back up the bridge to follow him. “Is too!”

“I was stationed at the Burro’s Bureau of Bureaucracy in Canterlot for five years. I know every official organization if Equestria, and there is no—”

“Well Cheese Sandwich and I just started it a few months ago, so HA!”

“And just how many ponies are in this organization of yours?”

“Two!”

He rolled his eyes. “Impressive.”

She stared and tilted her head. “I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“I’ll just have to do better next time, won’t I?” he said, dumping the bucket down the other slope.

“GANGWAY!”

Silver Wind turned and saw his—the Royal—Guards jump aside. He watched the Cutie Mark Crusaders gallop past. “Well... at least they understand the value of exercise after a large meal.”

“Snrk!”

He looked at Pinkie. “What?”

She slid down the bridge again, grinning at him the whole way. “You did it! You did better!”

Silver Wind snorted and looked off to Canterlot in the distance. “Maybe I’ll ask after your little organization at the Burro’s Bureau when the debriefing is over tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ll need a hobby sooner than later.”

“Ohhh, don’t tease me like that, Silvy. You won’t have time for our little group with all the Royal Guards you’ll be captaining.”

He nodded. “There lies the problem. All the princesses are here. All the guards are here. I’m here. The ceremony doesn’t begin for few more hours, and yet the debriefing is delayed until we all get back to Canterlot. That doesn’t happen unless a notable decision is coming.”

Pinkie gasped... and gasped... and kept gasping. “You’re getting promoted!”

Silver Wind smirked and looked away.

“You smiled!”

“Pardon?”

“You finally smiled! You know what this calls for?” Pinkie Pie reached behind her and pulled out a cannon. “A PARTY!”

“Wait, don't—!” He barely had time to brace himself before—

BOOM!

He closed his eyes as the blast of streamers and confetti buffeted him. Silver Wind slapped the colorful papers off his face with a hoof, and snapped his eyes open to glare at her.

Pinkie Pie slumped over her cannon. “Awww, you’re not smiling anymore.”

He looked at the soaking mess behind him. “Can’t imagine why...“

Scootaloo pulled even with Apple Bloom. “How much longer?!”

Overnight change when Applejack and her friends touched it. Almost instant change when Big Mac drank his dose—accidentally. But that was crushed leaves mixed with water. This was tea with cinnamon and honey and who knew what else. Apple Bloom was left with one articulate conclusion based on her judgement of the chemical dilution and the rapid delivery of the digestive system.

“I don’t know!”

The Crusaders tore through the entrance of the Everfree Forest. They swerved around the patch of poison joke, slid down the hill, and ducked under the moss and vines hanging overhead. Apple Bloom grinned in spite of the stitch in her side as the light from Zecora’s windows grew closer.

Until she saw the mask over her door.

“Finally!” Scootaloo pushed ahead.

“Scoot, wait!”

BAM!

Scootaloo crashed into the door and bounced back. She hit the ground and rolled, toppling over Apple Bloom. “What... just happened?”

Apple Bloom swatted Scootaloo with her tail. “I told you to wait! She ain’t home!”

“But... but the mask! That’s the ‘Welcome’ one, isn’t it?”

“No that’s the green one with red stripes. This one’s red with blue stripes.”

Scootaloo groaned. “So what does that mean?”

Apple Bloom gulped. “‘Back in five minutes.’”

“We don’t have five minutes!”

Sweetie Belle gasped. “Apple Bloom!”

“What is it?”

“No, inside! Apple Bloom!” Sweetie stood on a tree root jutting out below a window and pointed inside. “There’s a pot with your name on it.”

Apple Bloom jumped up and joined her. She saw Zecora’s biggest cauldron sitting inside, steam rising from the water inside, and a piece of parchment with her name on it was taped to the side.

Scootaloo pushed her way into the crowd. “Is that what I think it is?”

“One way to find out.” Apple Bloom dove through the window and reared up, putting her front hooves on the rim of the cauldron. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, not far behind, joined her in looking over the edge. It was hot, but not boiling. Tempting a scalded hoof, Apple Bloom reached down to test the water. "Not too hot, maybe a little much to be comfortable, but just right for the brew bath." She leaned in and sniffed. “It is! It’s the same scent!”

Scootaloo cheered and hopped in. “We made it, girls!”

Sweetie Belle pulled herself up and eased herself in. “Oh, this feels good. Thank goodness for Zecora, huh?”

Apple Bloom looked at the parchment again. “How did she even know?” Orange forelegs wrapped around her neck.

“In! Now!” Scootaloo dragged her into the water.

“Argh! Get off! Get off!” She struggled against Scootaloo’s grip. “I’m in already! Let go!” She pried off Scootaloo’s hooves and sank into the warm water, rubbing her sore neck. “C’mon, Scoot. I was just going to check—”

“To my gracious hosts,” Sweetie Belle said. The parchment hovered in front of her, flipped over so Apple Bloom’s name was facing outward. “I hope you enjoyed your stroll through the woods. Zecora and I—”

Scootaloo snatched the note and looked at the quillwork. “Luna.” She ripped it in half and spat the pieces over the edge of the cauldron. Her eyes darted around the hut. “So. Here we are. Potions and weird flowers everywhere. What are we going to do about this?”

“Nothing,” Sweetie Belle said. “She’ll be expecting it now.”

Apple Bloom nodded. “When the time is right, Scoot.” She leaned her head back and looked up to the ceiling. “When the time is right.”