My eyes dart open. I thrust forward. I pant for a breath of air as I hyperventilate. I try to calm myself down, mentally. My breathing becomes slower, and I relax.
I sigh loudly, and I plummet back onto my bed.
It was just another nightmare.
My sleep is plagued with nightmares like these. I am yet to experience a peaceful night of sleep since... shall I call it, 'the event', as my nightmares keep me awake most nights.
I look to my clock. It reads 1:30 PM.
Celestia, it's early.
I rub the sleep from my eyes with my hooves. I lie back down onto my bed, and I stare at the ceiling. I search the deepest depths of my mind for motivation to get out of my bed. I eventually find the motivation.
I pull myself to my hooves.
I trot to the bathroom. I close the door behind me. I stand in the all-consuming darkness for several moments before reaching for the light switch.
The light flickered on. The bulb is faulty, and flickers on and off repeatedly, like a technique used in torture chambers, or in prisons to scare inmates. A cockroach scurries across the filthy tiles. In another life, I would be horrified at the sight of the little brown insect, a sign of untidiness, but I have nothing but apathy for anything anymore. I wandered over to the sink. Mould grows inside the basin, around the drain. The air is thick, stale, and musty, and the smell is overpowering. A single mirror stares back at me, inviting me to look up at it, and face myself once more.
I look in the mirror.
What am I?
What is looking back at me?
When I look in the mirror, I see a disappointment, staring right back at me. I see a worthless pony. I see a vain, greedy whore.
I absolutely despise what I see in the mirror.
There are many stray hairs and split ends emerging from my once well-kept, beautiful, curly mane. I am disgusted by the state of it. I look even more hideous than I usually do.
I sigh, and I pull the drawer open. It creates a harsh screeching noise. I spot the item I was looking for.
A brush.
A hideous being like me can only try to look good from the outside.
A faint glow appears around the handle of the brush, and I levitate the brush to my mane. I start brushing, and soon I fall into an easy rhythm.
After everything that's happened, I care about my appearance. Does it even matter? Nothing I do can make me look good.
I'm hideous.
I wipe a tear from my face and keep brushing.
I'm pathetic.
Why do I exist?
All I care for is my appearance.
It's cost me so much, my pursuit of happiness. My friends, my business, my family. My friends refuse to speak to me. Ponies refuse to buy from me. My own sister won't even look me in the eye anymore.
As I brush my filthy mane, I think about what happened to put me in such a predicament.
It happened several months ago. Twilight informed about a dinner party Celestia had invited us to, and I informed her I had reservations with a very important fashion designer on the same night. If everything went well, I would have made a major profit. My name would become world-wide known. I would be important.
But Rarity, she says, this is much more important than that. How can she prioritize my life for me? She wouldn't stop. How can you be so greedy? They say to me. How could you do this? Rainbow tells me. Fashion is stupid, she says. Fashion is my life, you little dyke, I yell. She belittles my trade. They all belittle my trade. They all think they are so much more important than me. Fashion is so stupid, they say. Why do you even bother, they say. They start yelling at me. Why? What did I do!?
I regret what I said, but they have no regret. They think they are right! Spending a night with Celestia is much less important than me actually achieving some success with my miserable life. But no, Rarity, you greedy bitch, you mustn't be like that, this is really important. Maybe I don't want to live in a little ditch of a fucking town anymore! I want to move into the big city, where everything is so much bigger, and better! I could live a life that I deserve, from my endless years of working. And people think I'm greedy!?
I try to calm myself, to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.
They called me many things. Whore, Bitch, Greedy, Ugly. I was fine with that. They obviously wanted to hurt me. But I ignored their sly comebacks. I told Twilight that I would not be going, simple as that. I don't think having a little tea party with Celestia is as important as making it big, as actually having a life outside of this little backwater town, actually being somepony who ponies know. Twilight slapped me. I was shocked. I punched her in the face. She retaliated, and then...
We got into a fight. Our friends were horrified. Fluttershy had to tear us apart. I told Twilight to go fuck herself. She told me that she never wanted to see me again, and that our friendship was over. Good.
I was very much fine with that. After what she did, I could not care what she thought. She was dead to me.
What really hurt me was how my real friends reacted.
The rest of them followed her. They agreed with her. They thought she was in the right. They didn't dare stand up for me, because they know how much of a control freak little Twilight Sparkle is. They would be traitors too.
She held a press conference, as a princess with a black eye was bound to raise questions. She said I had assaulted her, after she told me Celestia wanted to hold a private dinner event. She said I had said that Celestia was worthless, and unfit to rule. She had accused me of being a traitor against the Princesses. She accused me of committing treason. She lied to the media. She wanted me to suffer. And she did a wonderful job of making me suffer.
The worst thing was, my friends sat there and listened to her lies. They did nothing. They supported her. She was flat out lying. Applejack, the element of honesty, sat there with a solemn look of her face. They call me a fucking traitor, and the element of honesty wouldn't even stand up for me.
The day after, ponies refused to buy from me. They returned their dresses, or hung them on crosses and burnt them outside my shop. They threw stones through my windows. Sweetie Belle wanted to move back to Canterlot. I went to my favourite spa, and they refused to massage me, because they didn't serve traitors like me. The fashion designer I was supposed to see said he wanted nothing to do with a treasonous pony like me, and cancelled our reservations. Nopony wanted me around.
They all thought I was an awful pony. Twilight had ruined me. My life.
My best friend, Fluttershy, refused to acknowledge my existence anymore. She told me that she never wanted to see me again. Whenever Pinkie saw me, her hair would deflate. She refused to serve me. Rainbow Dash would make it rain over my house. Applejack would throw rotten apples at my house, and at me if I came outside. She, like the others, refused my service. Twilight's little helper, Spike, lost his love for me. He was disgusted by the sight of me.
I was a disgrace to everypony. I was worthless. I was a treasonous bitch. I felt trapped inside my own house. Ponies would attack me if I went outside. They would try to kill me, in honour of our wonderful princess. Somepony murdered my Opalescence, the poor thing. Why somepony would murder an innocent cat, I do not know! But it hurt me. Opal was all I had left. The only creature in Equestria that didn't hate the sight of me. And she was cruelly taken from me. I had nothing anymore.
I fell into depression. I felt worthless and hated. I knew I was worthless and hated. Everypony I saw would say that about me. I became seriously depressed. I felt like dying, but I had no energy to do it. All I wanted to do was keel over and die. But alas, I woke up every morning, and I were still breathing.
All of this hatred, because of that lying little traitor.
I hate myself.
I hear the sound of my brush hitting the tiles. I lost concentration on keeping my little spell going. I let the tears flow from my eyes.
I want to die.
I want them to die.
I feel nothing but anger. I want to hurt myself. I hate myself. I hate them. I hate everypony!
I'm sick of seeing myself. I'm so fucking ugly. I hate myself!
I punch the mirror. The glass shatters, and the particles fall into the basin. My hoof is in pain. I look down to my hoof.
Glass is embedded in my hoof.
Blood seeps out, staining my white coat.
I smile.
For the first time in weeks, I smile.
It feels good.
I don't care what my friends think about me. I don't give a fuck what they think about me. They can go fuck themselves! All they did was criticize me, chastise me, complain about me, and my profession. They never liked me! They never liked my dresses! Behind every positive comment they made about them, there was thinly-veiled sarcasm, and hatred. They always thought of me as a dead weight to their little circle-jerk! Well, now they can go fuck themselves!
All these sleepless nights I've spent crying over them, over their fucking opinions on how I should be! All those horrific nightmares they have caused me. Well, that's over now! I don't care what they think!
They can go fuck themselves!
I laugh maniacally.
I scream as loud as I can. It feels good, hurting my throat like this.
I hate them. All they did was betray me. Insult me. Belittle me. Fuck them.
I hate them.
Fuck them!
How can Twilight tell me what to do? All she does is read those stupid fucking books! She thinks she knows everything!
Fuck her, and fuck them.
I scream until my throat is raw.
I don't care what anypony thinks about me!
Blood drips onto the floor from my wound. I stare at my pierced hoof. My coat was stained pink from the blood. It feels amazing. I look at the small puddle of blood forming on the ground. Normally, I would have been terrified to see blood, but now, I am pleased, almost excited to see the blood pooling at my hooves.
I feel alive.
I pick up a shard of glass. I look at it. It is exceptionally bigger than most of the other pieces, this being one of the largest surviving pieces of mirror. It looks razor sharp. I poke myself, to see if it is sharp enough to draw blood. To much relief, it is. I want to hurt myself.
I want to cut myself.
I run the shard of glass across my arm. Blood begins to seep out. It feels like I am releasing something from inside my veins. I feel amazing.
It feels so good.
I slash my arm several more times. Blood is pouring from my arm.
Oh Celestia, this feels good.
I slash my arm millions of times. I'm in such an intense state of euphoria.
It hurts so bad, but it feels so good.
I keep cutting my arms until I felt the shard of glass colliding with my bone.
This feels right. I feel like it's all I can do. I want to do this. I want to hurt myself.
I feel like I need to hurt myself.
I scream as much as I can. My throat burns. I want my throat to burn.
I can taste blood in my mouth. I smile, and laugh harder.
I pass the shard to my other hoof, and I cut across my unharmed arm. I continue cutting across my arms until I have nowhere else to cut.
I hear somepony ringing the doorbell. I ignore it. Who the fuck would be here at this time in the morning?
Fuck them.
I look in the shattered mirror at my horn. My ugly fucking horn. I hate it. It's useless. All I use it for is making dresses and pretending I'm pretty. It's useless. I hate it.
I don't even want it on my head anymore.
I hear hoofsteps coming closer.
I ram my horn into the wall. Pain shoots through me like a bullet. I cringe a little at the pain.
I pull my head back. I look into the surviving portions of the cracked mirror. There is a small fracture in my horn.
I smile.
I ram my horn into the wall again.
Another massive wave of pain. I smile this time. The pain is starting to feel good. I look into the broken mirror once more.
The hairline fracture is much larger now. I pull my head back, ready for more.
I ram it into the wall over and over, until I feel it simply break off. I hear the pieces of my horn rattling into the ceramic basin.
I lose balance, and I fall onto the ground with a dead thud. I feel the shards of glass penetrate my flesh. A wave of pain shoots through my entire body. It feels so good.
I feel alive.
I look at my bloody arms. My bones are exposed through the flesh in my arms. A massive puddle of blood is forming around my body.
“Rarity? What are you doing? Come on, open up.”
Oh Celestia. Not her again. She's got a lot of nerve showing up here. What is she even doing up this early?
“You had your lights on, and I was wondering if you were awake.”
She's probably just walking around town to remind ponies of how fucking awful I am. How they should terrorize me next time they see me. If Celestia knew she was lying, Celestia would probably rip her fucking wings off. I chuckled at the thought.
Bitch would deserve it.
“Look, Rarity, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset at you.”
Nothing she can say can reverse what happened. She ruined me.
“I shouldn't have said anything. You were right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you give up your time for something as unimportant as a dinner party. The dinner with that fashion designer was obviously much more important to you, and I should have respected that. I shouldn't have said anything. It's just you, and I should be used to you and your personality, by now. We had such a great friendship; I don't want to ruin it any further. Do you forgive me, Rarity?”
I am sick of her stupid fucking voice. I heard her all over the news, whining about me. How I was such a horrible pony. How I was a fucking traitor. I summon up a reply.
“Shut up.”
“What?!” she yelled at me.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Rarity! Come on!”
“I said, shut up!" I yelled at her, my voice raspy from the screaming.
“Rarity! What are you doing in there!?”
“Fuck you!”
"Rarity! Why are you being like this?" she tried to reason with me. “I came here to apologize!”
“Go fuck yourself! You ruined my fucking life you little whore!”
“Rarity! Open up!”
“I don't have to!”
“Rarity, for Celestia's sake, I'm sorry! If I could take it back I would! I said some stupid things. I was upset. Please, you must let me in, if we want to fix what we once had!”
“Fuck you!”
“Rarity! Did you even listen to me?!”
“You're a disgrace to Celestia, and to everypony in our country!”
A pause. I hit her hard with that one. I stare at my arms. The pool of blood is slowly expanding.
I look towards the ceiling.
“Rarity,” a calm, recollected voice emits from behind the door, “I know you don't mean that. You're upset with me. You have every right to be. I know I can't reverse things. We have said some nasty things to each other, and I'm prepared to forgive you. But please, you must let m-”
“Twilight, my life is fucking over.”
“Yes,” she timidly replies, “but we ca-”
“No, we fucking can't!”
Obviously shocked by the outburst, she pauses for a moment.
“Look, if I say that you've reformed, they'll believe me! You'll be great once again!”
“You've tainted my name, Missus Twilight Sparkle! Nopony will forget how bad a pony I am! They'll just see you as weak-minded, as I do!
“Rarity, please, let me in. I want to talk to you.”
“I want you to die.”
“Rares-”
“How dare you call me that! I am not your friend! You gave up your right to call me that a long time ago! Fuck you!”
“Sorry, Rarity! Jeez...”
“Fuck you! You think, after everything you did to me, we are still friends?!” I emphasize the last word.
“No, and I don't blame you for hating me, but for-”
“No! I don't want to hear you anymore. I don't want to hear your vicious lies anymore, you little bitch!”
“Rar-“
“Don't you dare interrupt me, you slimy little cunt! My life is fucking over! Nothing you can say can make it okay! I live amongst ponies! I know ponies much better than you, bookworm! They'll never forgive me for something as villainous as high treason! They’ll never let me forget about it! I am ruined! I am nothing! You have blackened my once respected name in our town! You have ruined my life, and nothing you can say can fucking change that!”
She hesitates. She takes several moments to think about how to reply.
“Rarity, I know what I did was wrong, but for Celestia's sake, let bygones be bygones.”
“Did you even listen to me?!”
“Yes, but-”
“I'm done! You refuse to even listen to me!”
“I am so!” I hear the frustration building in her voice.
“You completely ignored me!”
“Rarity!” she yells to overpower my voice.
She breaks the short moment of silence, “I'm well aware of how ponies will react to you. But please understand! My words carry a lot of weight in this town. I'm a princess, for Luna's sake! Of course they would. They would forgive you, eventually.”
“No, they fucking wouldn't!” I scream at the top of my lungs. My chest burns.
“Rarity! Fucking listen to me!” she screams at me. “They would listen to me! I'm a fucking princess!”
“Ponies don't forgive and forget! They'll never let me forget! I'll always the that pony who committed treason!”
“Rarity-”
“Last time I put on the news, I heard Celestia say she wanted to replace me.”
“Yeah, but that was unle-”
“Unless what?!”
A short pause.
“Unless you were willing to forgive us! We already forgave you!”
“Forgave me for what?!” I yelled. “You ruined my life! What did I do wrong!?”
“Rarity, you punched me in the fa-”
“After you fucking hit me!”
She paused once more. I had her by the metaphorical balls.
“Look, Rarity, I know I've ruined your life. But maybe I can make it better again. You gotta give me a chance, Rarity!”
“Why? Why should I?”
“I'm holding the cards here, Rarity. I can make it better.”
“No, you, fucking, can't!”
“And why not!?” she yelled.
I was momentarily shocked. I'd never heard her yell so loud before.
“Because, as I've fucking said a thousand fucking times, they’ll never fucking forgive me.”
“You don't understand, Rarity! I can bring your life back!”
“No you can't.”
“Yes, I ca-”
“No, you can't!”
“Rarity, listen to m-”
“No! You've done enough! I'm fucking sick of you! I hate you! I hate your annoying fucking voice! I hate you so fucking much! Nothing you can do can change what you fucking did to me! My life is fucking over! You and your band of cronies have given me so much hatred and self-loathing, and you have completely ruined my entire fucking life! Even if you came out and said “Hey, Rarity ain't so bad,” nopony would fucking listen to you! They would see me as a traitor! A fucking treasonous pony! Nothing you can do can change that! Even if Celestia said “Rarity is forgiven,” nopony would listen to her! You know why?!” I paused, as if to let her answer.
I continued without her answer, “Because ponies don't fucking forgive! They would never fucking forgive me! I know ponies! I live amongst them! I had to, for my business to survive! To climb the social ladder like I did! I know them like you know fucking books! I'd fucking know this! I haven't forgiven you! And I never fucking will, you insufferable cunt! You and your friends are fucking dead to me!”
“Rarity, pleas-”
“Just fucking leave!”
“No, I'm not going to-”
“Leave me the fuck alone!”
“Rarity, I-”
“Leave me alone!” I growled at her to leave.
“Fine! Be like that!” she gave up. “I'll come back when you're in a better mood.”
I heard her trotting out, sniffling, as if she was crying, and mumbling an insult about me on her way out. I hear the bell ring as the door opens, and slams shut.
Fucking bitch.
I want her to feel bad about what she did to me. She hurt me. She ruined my fucking life.
Fuck her.
I laugh weakly. I cough, hurting my strained vocals further.
Fuck her.
I don't need my friends anymore. They left me when I needed them the most. I had nopony, and they let me fall into this abyss. Next time that Discord bastard attacks, I won't be there for them either. Ponyville, Equestria will burn without me. And it’s all their fault. I don't even care. After what they did to me, do they expect me to?
After the entire fucking town rejected me, ostracized me, they expect me to still care about this little backwater town? Well I don’t. Fuck them.
Fuck them.
I smile.
I stare at my bleeding arms. The puddle of blood is seeping further outwards. My vision is fading. I’ll be gone soon. And I don’t care. I want to be gone soon. I don’t want anypony to care. They can all go fuck themselves. They hurt me. They made me do this. But now, I am released. I am free. I’m no longer in this prison they’ve created for me. They treated me like a villain.
They are the fucking villains.
They are fucking villains.
Fuck them.
Fuck them all.
I smile. I stare ahead. The blackness is taking over my vision. All I can see is red, and black.
Fuck them.
Fuck them.
