Celestial Bridge Club
By Naughty_Ranko
Celestia checked one last time, to make sure that the bidding boxes stood correctly on the table, and then placed the deck of cards in the middle with her magic. Everything looked nice and orderly. Holding these games in her bedroom had definitely been the right decision. Everything seemed way less official that way, an opportunity to forget titles and royal obligations not just for herself, but for her guests as well.
She'd been agonizing the whole day over a certain decision, so it became even more apparent that what she needed right now, was to unwind and have a little fun. Her monthly game of Bridge with her friends came at exactly the right time.
A brown earth pony stallion with a black mane appeared at the door to her private chambers and politely bowed. “Your guests are here, Your Highness,” he said formally.
“Thank you, Rapid Reaction,” Celestia responded, setting down the royal tush on the ornate cushion at one end of the table. The other three sides had normal chairs for her human guests. “Send them in.”
“Celly!” The first one to enter was a woman with sharp features and jet-black hair, adorned by a diadem in the form of a cobra. Her low-cut, silken dress jingled with the gemstones woven into it as she strode forward and gave the Princess of the Sun a hug.
“Good to see you, Cleo,” Celestia said with a smile. “How have you been?”
Queen Cleopatra of the House of Ptolemy laughed a silvery laugh. “Under siege as always. But I've managed to turn the situation around and secure the borders.”
“No doubt using the armies of your latest boyfriend,” the second woman to enter added wryly. Queen Hatshepsut of the 18th Dynasty was the very definition of regal elegance, standing there in a cream-colored gown that was far less showy than that of her counterpart, while still conveying a high-status feeling. She inclined her head towards Celestia, the light catching in the gold embroidery of her headdress. “Your Highness.”
“Your Majesty,” the Princess replied just as formally.
Cleo, on the other hand, rolled her eyes. “Geez! Lighten up, Hatshi,” she told her, coming over and quickly snatching up the thing stuck to her chin. “This is supposed to be our time off. Let your hair down and take off that ridiculous beard.”
“Hey, that's a symbol of office,” Hatshepsut admonished, trying to get the fake beard back from her.
“Well, you're not gonna catch me wearing one of those,” Cleopatra said, first holding it out of reach and then throwing it over on Celestia's bed.
Hatshepsut glared at her, but decided to be the bigger person. “Let's not argue. We're guests here, after all.” They both sat down across from each other, on Celestia's left and right respectively. “What possessed me to partner up with you, I'll never know.”
“Because I'm the only one who can match your political shrewdness,” Cleo declared confidently, then turned to Celestia. “You're going down tonight, Celly. Is Poly on her way yet?”
Celestia frowned at that. “She should be. Usually she's more punctual than the two of you.”
Rapid Reaction cleared his throat, and the three royals only now realized that he was still in the room. “There is a message for you, Princess. It bears the seal of the Amazons.”
Celestia took the envelope from him with her magic. “Thank you, Rapid. Would you bring some refreshments for our guests?”
“Immediately, Your Highness.”
“What happened to your usual chambermaid, Celly?” Hatshepsut asked.
“She's on vacation. Rapid Reaction is new at the palace, so he's covering for her,” Celestia replied while reading over the letter, then she groaned. “Oh, no.”
“What?” Cleopatra inquired.
“Read for yourself.”
Dear Celly,
can't make it tonight. Athenians getting uppity again. Going to war for a bit. Give my regards to Cleo and Hatshi.
Love,
Poly
That was Hippolyta, the Queen of the Amazons, for you. Short and to the point. Unfortunately that left the trio one player short.
“Can we find someone who can fill the spot?” Hatshepsut asked.
Celestia considered that. “I'd ask Luna to join us, but the Night Court is already in session.”
“What about your student, Celly? Twilight Sparkle, was it? She's quick on the uptake. She'd probably be able to learn the rules in a flash.”
“Unfortunately she's unavailable. She's gone on a trip to save Equestria from one calamity or another with her friends.”
Hatshepsut blinked. “You seem awfully nonchalant about that. Shouldn't you be more worried, you know, being the ruler of Equestria and all?”
“Twilight's very good at this sort of thing. She doesn't need me micromanaging every event that could end life as we know it. Besides, I got my own problems to worry about.”
“Like finding a husband?” Cleo asked with a smirk.
Celestia sat up with a start. “How do you …?”
Cleo showed her the letter again. There was a fold at the bottom, holding another message, that she hadn't noticed before.
P.S.:
Regarding your last letter, good luck with your search for a suitable husband. I suggest simply finding a healthy-looking one, clubbing him over the head and dragging him back to the palace.
Hatshepsut clapped her hands together. “You're getting married, Celly!? That's wonderful.”
Celestia sighed. Tonight was supposed to be her respite from this topic. But now that the cat was out of the bag, she might as well come clean. Maybe her two Egyptian friends would have something useful to offer. “Yes, it's really rather stupid. After Luna's banishment to the moon, I publicly declared that I wouldn't take a husband, unless my sister was there to be my Maid of Honor. Basically I just wanted to table the discussion.”
“Only now Lulu is back, and that means the suitors are as well,” Cleo pointed out. “Is that it?”
“It's even worse. A couple of centuries ago, while I wasn't paying attention, the Royal Council dusted off that old declaration of mine in an attempt to reform and simplify all the decrees I'd made up to this point. Because it was written in such an archaic form, they completely misunderstood it. They actually passed a law that I HAVE to get married, now that Luna is back.”
Hatshepsut scratched her head. “Aren't you in charge? How can they pass a law without your consent?”
“Well,” Celestia grumbled, “I am. That's the problem. It was buried in a whole stack of documents for me to sign. So I barely glanced on it, before I put the royal seal on it. I actually passed that stupid law.”
Cleopatra broke into a fit of laughter. “You signed your own death warrant without reading it? Hahaha!!! Oh, my stomach hurts!”
At first it was tolerable, but the Egyptian Queen went on laughing for a full minute. Celestia was about to give her a piece of her mind, when Rapid Reaction entered the room again. He placed a caipirinha in front of each of them. “Anything else, Your Highness?”
“No, not at the moment. Thank you.”
He nodded and left again. Meanwhile Cleo had gotten herself under control. She watched the stallion leave while wiping a tear from her eye. “What about him? He's got a cute … er … flank?” She licked her lips. “Actually he's really cute. If you don't want him, maybe I could ...”
Hatshepsut sighed heavily. “Really? Is it not enough that you hop into bed with every Roman skirt that comes along? Would you actually demean yourself to spread for a pony?” Realizing what she'd just said, she gave Celestia an apologetic look. “No offense, Celly.”
“None taken,” the Princess reassured her, taking a long drink. It was gonna be one of those nights.
“What do you mean, 'none taken'? Offense!” Cleo retorted. “You're the last person allowed to pass judgment on that sort of thing, Hatshi.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
Cleopatra gave her a dead-pan look. “Baaa!”
Hatshepsut blushed furiously at that. “That is an entirely ceremonial matter, and you know it.”
“Ladies!” Celestia said in exasperation. “How about we change topics? This is getting us nowhere.”
Hatshi took a deep breath. “You're right. We're trying to find a husband for you. Do you have any brothers or half-brothers?”
Cleo clicked her tongue in disgust. “Oh, please. That's among the dumbest things in our culture.”
“What do you mean, our culture? You're Greek.”
“That doesn't change the fact that 'keeping it in the family' isn't exactly healthy for a dynasty.”
“That's because you're doing it wrong, with your Greek sense of monogamy. You're supposed to have a harem, to get fresh blood into the bloodline,” Hatshi explained haughtily.
“So something like a herd?” Celestia mused.
“Sure. Whatever you want to call it.”
“Really?” Cleo retorted sarcastically. “And you give me shit for fucking Roman generals in order to keep our people safe. Tell me, Hatshi. When was the last time, you gave your boy-toy of an architect a booty call?”
Hatshepsut had no comeback for that. “Alright, point taken,” she conceded grumpily, then raised a finger. “But you answer answer me this, Ms-Cultural-Expert. Excluding yourself, how many people in your family actually speak Egyptian?”
Cleo opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. “Well, I'm gonna teach my son,” she said sheepishly.
Contrary to the earlier rivalry between the two, Hatshi's face softened considerably at the mention of children. “How is Caesarion doing?”
“Looking more and more like his father every day,” she beamed, then her smile turned sad. “If only he'd still be alive to see him grow up.”
Hatshepsut laid a sympathetic hand on her fellow Queen's shoulder, a gesture for which she was grateful. They may have their spats, and lots of them. But in the end they were both prone to mask their suffering for the benefit of their people, Cleo with her chipper attitude and Hatshi with her stoic nature, at times taking the literal translation of her name, Foremost of Noble Ladies, just a bit too far.
“How's Thutmose?”
Hatshi sighed. “Still grieving over Neferure's death, as am I. He's thrown himself into training with the army in order to forget.” She smiled wryly, the pain giving way to other, more cheerful, memories. “He's so much like his grandfather.”
Cleo nodded with a smile. “Your daughter would have made him a great queen.”
Celestia took another drink, wondering when she had become the old maid of the group. Hatshi and Cleo were both mothers, and while both had suffered tragedies as a result of that, neither had ever expressed regret at having founded a family in the first place, choosing to dwell on the happy memories rather than the sad ones. Even Poly was engaged, ironically to the man she'd just set out to fight a war with, but then again that was probably her way of setting the tone for the marriage.
“Anyway, to answer your question,” Celestia said in an attempt to lighten the mood, “I don't have any male siblings. The only unwed royal stallion in Equestria would be … Blueblood.”
They both looked at her and began to shudder in unison, having both met Celestia's nephew before. “Let's not even discuss that,” Hatshi said firmly.
“It does have one upside,” Cleo mused, nibbling at the straw of her drink absentmindedly.
“And what would that be?” Celestia inquired.
“If there's no one of equal status, you're free to pick a lower-class stallion. Just pick one that looks like he'd be good in bed. Be sure to give him a trial run first, though.”
Normally Celestia would have objected to such reasoning, but there was a certain appeal to the proposal. It must have shown on her face too, because it was the reserved Hatshepsut, of all people, who posed the question with a raised eyebrow. “Celly? How long has it been for you?”
“I don't see how that matters,” she replied curtly.
“Good one, Hatshi,” Cleo said with a playful smile. “Looks like you hit the nail on the head.” She stood up and walked over to her friend, peering directly into Celestia's face. “Spill it, Celly. How long has it been, since anyone's done any nailing on you?”
Celestia gave Hatshepsut an imploring look, only to find that the Queen was looking rather tipsy with the empty glass in front of her. She'd be no help in fending off Cleo.
“I'll make you talk one way or the other,” Cleo grinned, wrapping her arms around Celestia and placing her fingers against the soft spots under her wings. “Resistance is futile.”
“No, don't! AH! Hahahahah.” Celestia tried without success to fight the attack, but Cleo knew full well where the Princess of the Sun was the most ticklish. “Okay, okay. I'll tell you,” she wheezed between fits of laughter.
Cleo chuckled and stopped her tickle attack. “Let's hear it, unless you want another go at the hard way.”
“Well, it's been a while,” she finally said, after calming down.
“How long is a while? I've noticed that your sense of time can be a bit off.”
Celestia blushed and looked away. “Let's just say, back then words like thee and thou were much more common in conversations than they are nowadays.”
Hatshi's eyes widened. “That long?” Celestia nodded with a sigh as Cleo walked over to her bed. “What are you doing?”
“Well,” the Greek Queen of Egypt said as she laid flat on her stomach. “If what she's saying is true, then I ought to find …”
Celestia gasped. “Cleo. Don't!”
“Aha! Found them,” she giggled from underneath the bed. “Oh, now that's an interesting collection of toys. We'll discuss those later. For now, research!”
Hatshepsut gulped as Cleopatra returned, putting a stack of magazines on the table. “Is that?”
“Yep,” Cleo declared, stemming her hands into her hips. “Celly's porn stash.” Looking through the stack, she immediately discarded the more moderate things like Playfilly and got right to the good stuff, as she called it. “Hm, looks like Celly is into unicorns. Makes sense. Two poles for the price of one, if you know what I mean.”
Looking over her shoulder at the magazines with a red face, Hatshi turned her head to the side. “I didn't know ponies could bend like that.”
Downing the last of her caipirinha, Celestia concluded that this might be the most embarrassing moment of her near immortal life, having her friends look through her private collection and commenting on her tastes.
“Your Highness?”
Seeing the young Rapid Reaction standing there, while half the magazines lay unfolded on the table, made her realize: This was the most embarrassing moment of her life. “Oh, for the love of Faust,” she said, banging her forehead on the table.
Cleo, on the other hand, was unperturbed by his presence. “Ah, just the fellow we need right now, and cute to boot.”
“Erm, is there anything you need?” he asked a little apprehensively, somehow sensing the fire in the Queen's eyes and unsure of whether it was directed at him or the naughty magazines on the table.
“Yes, we need text markers, a whiteboard and a lot more alcohol. Be a dear and fetch that, will you?”
He blinked, but then did credit to his name. “Right away.”
Cleo gave Celestia a big grin, after he'd left. “Tonight we're gonna figure out who your perfect stallion is.”
Picking up one particular magazine, Hatshi added: “Does it have to be a stallion? What does Equestrian law say about gay marriage anyway?”
Realizing that the night was still young, Celestia had to revise her conclusion yet again. Perhaps the most embarrassing moment of her life was actually yet to come.
* * *
Celestia awoke with a groan the next morning, sprawled out on her bed, a splitting headache plaguing her and, curiously enough, with Hatshi's fake beard strapped to her chin. “Ugh, how much did we drink last night?” She didn't remember whether or not they had actually made any progress towards finding her a husband. But a smile crept up on her face nonetheless. It had actually been quite a lot of fun, that much she knew. When all else seemed bleak and colorless, friends were all the more important to have.
Willing herself to get up with considerable effort, she walked over to the window and opened the curtains with her magic. The bright glow of the sun didn't help her disposition as she squeezed her eyes shut. Wait. The sun? Looking across Canterlot by morning, she realized that Luna must have taken it on herself to raise it, after lowering the moon.
Celestia sighed. She'd have to thank her little sister later. At the same time she lamented the fact that she could have actually slept in for once and didn't take advantage of that.
“Might as well get an aspirin,” she mumbled to herself, making her way over to the adjoining bathroom.
As she stretched out a hoof, the door opened by itself, and she suddenly stood face to face with Cleopatra.
“Oh, erm, morning, Celly,” the Queen said, straightening her dress and smoothing down her mussed up hair. Then she cleared her throat. “Thanks for letting me crash here for the night. I'll see myself out.” After giving her friend one last hug and a wink, she was gone.
Only now did Celestia realize that Rapid Reaction had actually been standing behind Cleo the whole time. Blushing furiously, he bowed so deeply that his muzzle almost scraped the ground. Then he bolted out of the room without another word.
“Huh, that was odd,” Celestia mused. While her body went for the medicine cabinet on auto-pilot to get something for the headache, her hungover mind slowly began to put two and two together. Suddenly wide awake, she whirled around.
“CLEO!!!”
