Spice the First: Exactly What It Says On The Tin
Twilight learns about Old Spice
by: ShiningAutist
Chapter The First: 16 Hours
It was a fine day in equestria. Yes, a fine day indeed; The sun was shining pleasantly, not too hot, not too chilly. A friendly breeze blew gently through the trees of the WhiteTail Woods. Twilight Sparkle cantered along the meandering path, the Main Street of ponyville, small as it was. Not many ponies were out today, as it was a Sunday, and of course Sundays are for Praising the Sun. But you knew that already, now didn't you? In any case, Twilight had already done a gratuitous amount of Praising today, and had decided to enjoy a relaxing stroll. Feeling especially energetic and perky, she had allowed herself to break into a comfortably brisk canter. "Mornin', Purple Shmart!" Berry Punch slurred as she stumbled from a nearby rooftop into a cart conveniently full of hay. Twilight continued on, nonplussed. Berry's drunken antics were certainly nothing new, after all. Perhaps, the mulberry unicorn, (for that is what colour she is, because lavender is clearly a much lighter shade of violet), the consistently inebriated mare had been attempting to perform the gesture Praise The Sun, and had lost her balance due to an unusual abundance of blood in her alcohol stream. Travelling on towards the outskirts of Ponyville, Twilight pondered how beautiful a day it was, and how peaceful it was. She had honestly expected the streets to be crowded with ponies, even though it was Sunday, which, of course is for Praising The Sun. The day had a truly wonderful ambiance about it, and the weather could not have been more perfect.
"Mmm, what a wonderful da-" Twilight's thoughts were abruptly brought to an end, and a strange bipedal creature clad in a tattered purple robe rolled into the path of the unicorn. Startled, she understandably fell flat onto her face, sliding a good 3 feet before coming to a rather rumpled halt. The creature promptly picked her up by the scruff of her neck, and deposited her upright on her flank. "What? Who, or rather, what, are you?" Twilight said, stumbling over her words. The creature, finally speaking, replied in a loud and majestic voice.
"That is not important. What is important," he said, producing a red bottle seemingly from nowhere, "Is how you smell." Twilight blinked in surprise, caught off guard by the stranger's remark.
"H- How I smell? But... I thought I smelled okay. I mean, I bathed recently. Mister..." The stranger stared at twilight. Twilight stared at the stranger. Twilight and the stranger stared at each other.
"If you require a name," he said, (well, shouted, but you get the idea), "You may call me the Shining Autist. However, that is not important right now. What is important, is that you do not smell like a mare should smell. Behold!" The Shining Autist, whom we shall refer to as SA for the purpose of making the narrator's life a bit easier, held the red bottle above his head with both hands in a gesture similar to Praise The Sun. "OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER BODY WASH BLOCKS B.O. FOR 16 HOURS! It’s so powerful, it can take this one-shot in an entirely different direction!" Twilight, who by now was thoroughly confused, sat enraptured before the man in the tattered purple robe. SA resumed his speech in a somewhat softer tone of voice. Placing a large hand upon Twilight's head, he shouted gently. "My friend, do you wish to smell like a confidant, attractive mare?" The scholarly unicorn before the Prophet of Spice nodded. The Shining Autist then produced a smallish satchel of not-so-purest white, and emblazoned with the holy symbol of the sun, and placed it before Twilight Sparkle. "Behold, O' ye of verdant faith. Your salvation lies within."
Opening the satchel with her indescribable-shade-of-violet magic, Twilight gasped softly, looking up. "For- For me?" Twilight stared at SA. SA stared at Twilight. Twilight and SA stared at each other.
"Aye, it is for thee." Twilight looked down at the open satchel, then back up at SA. "Go on. It's okay." SA assured the unicorn. She then turned her enthralled gaze towards what lay within. Lifting the contents with her magic, she held them up before the sun. "Within these containers rest the most sacred power in the infinite multi-verse. I bestow upon thee these gifts: Old Spice Mares Scented Body Wash, Old Spice Double Sun B.O. Blocker Deodorant, and Old Spice Mares Scented Mane&Tail Shampoo plus Conditioner; for hair that smells like mare." Twilight, on the verge of tears, rushed into the Prophet's arms, catching him slightly off guard. Embracing the unicorn, SA shout-whispered into her ear, "Now go, utilized the magnificent blessing I have bestowed upon thee, for therein lies Double Sun Power." Far away, in the realm of Anor Londo, a certain firekeeper clad in brass chuckled softly. Ending the embrace, Twilight placed the satchel upon her back.
"Would you... Care to join me, SA?" With a blush so slight as to be almost undetectable, (almost), The Shining Autist for once was presented with something which even Old Spice Odor Blocker Body Wash could not block. Purple Pony Princess Plot, enhanced by Old Spice Mares Scented products. Nodding his assent, SA preformed the gesture 'Well, What Is It?’
Twilight stepped confidently into his arms, pulling him into a passionate kiss, and he held her with one arm, raising the other towards the glorious sun, and proclaiming in a loud voice, "Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-puh-POWER!!!" Thus it is that the Shining Autist did ascend into the sky along with his new purple future-bride. What became of the prophet and his probable bride? It is said that they were eventually wed in a resplendent display of retardation and gross incandescence, which was attended by a great many beings, from many, many worlds. It is common knowledge that the flow of time is distorted, heroes centuries old fading in and out. Among those who attended were the Firstborn of the Sun, a certain Firekeeper, a famously anti-social sorcerer, and a proud, (if a bit hefty), Knight of Catarina. But that is another story: 'Matrimonious Autism'. That is all for now, my friends. May the Spice be ever with you.
Author's Note
Random one shot. Been reading too much of Dubs' shit. Will eventually port Ex DJ House Maid and Geronimo over to fimfiction, when I have a chance. Please pick out and grammar shits and w/e. peace & may the Resplendence of Retardation be ever with you.
Addendum: Arize Chikun
Post Scriptum: muddafugga I did the parogruffial manifistaion of naeggetree
