Author's Note
Chapter's a little long. I promise to make chapter two shorter.
Rainbow Dank Begins
Rainbow Dash tread lightly through the Everfree Forest, not wanting to attract any of the wild beasts that called the forest their home. With each crack of a stick or twig under her hoof, Rainbow's eyes shot toward every dark corner she walked past. The woods were unsettling, with fog making it difficult to see where she was going. Rainbow didn't like the fact that the only pot dealer near Ponyville lived so far in that neck of the woods, but until a week ago, that was one more dealer than they had before.
Zecora had a pot monopoly in Ponyville, running her business out of her hut, far away from any cops. She only told a select few about her selling weed, and Rainbow Dash was flattered to be one of the few. Rainbow came across a familiar part of the path, and knew Zecora's hut wasn't too much farther. She quickened her pace, wanting to get out of the eerie mist that blanketed the Everfree Forest. Continuing on until the hut came into view, she neared the little shack and smelled a musky odor coming from its direction. A passing bumblebee landed on her window sill before wobbling on its legs and passing out. Rainbow reached the door and noticed the stench was much stronger the closer she got. With a few taps of her hoof on the door, Rainbow Dash waited for her zebra friend to answer. She listened for a few seconds and could hear mumbling coming from inside, along with the sound of stuff accidentally being knocked over.
She heard sixteen separate locks unlocking before Zecora opened the door. The air from inside the hut assaulted Rainbow's nostrils, even making her dizzy. The zebra smiled upon seeing it was her rainbow-maned comrade.
"Ah, Rainbow Dash, it's always a pleasure! Forgive the locks, they're only a safety measure."
Rainbow noticed a slightly pink tint to what were normally the whites of Zecora's eyes.
"It's no biggie," the pegasus waved a hoof in dismissal. "But it's not like the police are gonna come all the way out here."
"Perhaps, but it is still a big no-no, when you have no backup plan to deal with the po-po. Now feel free to come inside, Rainbow Dash. I'll show you what I have in my stash," Zecora said with a grin.
Rainbow followed her host inside and closed the door behind her. The inside of the hut was decorated with its normal masks and trinkets from the zebra homeland. One think that was different was the smell, coupled with the fact that the smoke inside might have been even thicker than the fog outside. A glass pipe with a half-finished bowl of dank sat on Zecora's table, along with a little pile of ash set to the side.
Zecora walked over to the other side of the room, where a couldron sat on the floor. A green liquid bubbled and hissed inside the pot, and Rainbow panicked when Zecora began shoving her hoof inside it.
"ZECORA, WHAT ARE YOU-"
The zebra removed her hoof from the brew without any burns or genetic mutations, much to Rainbow's amazement. But she did lift out of the couldron a large bag of bud.
"H-how did you-"
"I needed a way to hide the herb I sell, so into this pot I wove a spell. If a cop happens to cause commotion, all he'll see here is a nauseous potion." Zecora smiled mischievously.
Rainbow scratched her chin. "So it's just an illusion," the pegasus pondered before sticking a hoof inside. An intense burning sensation made her pull it back out.
"AAGH! Sweet mother of Faust, you said it was fake!"
"I'm ashamed to say it slipped my mind, but it is meant to affect ponies by design." Zecora rubbed her mane nervously.
"That would've been nice to know," Rainbow said, massaging her hoof with another. "But I can see why you did that. Ponies make up most of the police."
"Indeed, but not telling you first was wrong. To make it up, I have an extra bong." Zecora went over to her dresser and began rummaging through the clothes, only to pull out a plastic bong about a foot from end to end. With a smile, she reached out to hand it to Rainbow
"Thank you, Zecora, but I couldn't take that from-" Rainbow stopped when she saw something on the front of the bong. "Hey, is that a cloud?!"
Zecora turned the bong to see the emblem of a cartoonishly puffy pot leaf on the front. She decided to go with it.
"Mhmm."
Grabbing hold of the bong, Rainbow Dash did a flip in the air. "All right! I love clouds! Especially when I kick them to death!"
Zecora laughed. "Rainbow, I'm thinking with my brain, that you might be a little insane. Take that bong and use it well, for I have some sticky-icky that I can sell."
"Cool! I brought 20 bits. That's probably enough to get me at least an ounce, right?"
Zecora smiled nervously. "Now I am not Flim, nor am I Flam, but I believe that much money will get you a gram."
"A GRAM?!" Rainbow yelled excitedly. "That's even more than what I thought I would get!"
"Um... yes. Before I say much more, I have to ask, have you smoked before?"
"Pfft, of course I have!"
Once, five years ago, with my cousins, Rainbow thought to herself.
"Hmm, if you say so." Zecora finished bagging a gram of weed. "But I have to ask that you keep this on the down-low."
Rainbow Dash laid a bag of money on the table, and stored the dank in her bag. "Nooo problem! I won't tell a soul!"
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Four Hours Later
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"Rainbow Dash, where did you manage to get this?" Rarity asked, curiously poking at the baggy Rainbow Dash had handed her.
"Zecora."
"Woahhhhhh," Pinkie Pie exclaimed, observing the bag from multiple angles. "Is it real?"
Pinkie licked the side of the bag. "It is real! Rainbow Dash has actual weed!"
"You bet it's real!" Rainbow said proudly. "Real as real can get."
Twilight Sparkle rubbed her chin. "I don't like this idea, Rainbow. You know it's illegal."
The pegasus waved a dismissive hoof at her friend. "Lighten up, Twilight. The cops won't be able to catch us way out here."
"Uh huh. And did you ask Fluttershy if we could use her house as a smoke spot?" Twilight raised an eyebrow.
"Um, well... Hey Fluttershy, can we use your cabin as a place to smoke weed?"
"I guess, but-"
"See, she's completely okay with it!"
Fluttershy spoke up again. "Actually, I just wanted to know what we would do if the cops actually did come to my house."
"I understand your concerns. And you don't have to worry! I came up with a detailed and easy-to-follow plan for just that situation."
"And that is?" asked Twilight.
"We smoke it all! And then answer the door as if nothing's wrong! See, even if the cop suspects us of smoking weed, he won't find any because we smoked it all! It's the perfect plan."
"Yes, perfect." Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Sounds good to me," Applejack laughed. "But one question, sugarcube: what do we do with the bong? We can't eat that."
"Elementary, my dear Applejack! The bear can eat it."
"Fuzzy wuzzy?" Fluttershy asked nervously. "Oh no, he can't. Fuzzy has high cholesterol already. The bong would just make it worse."
"We could always just hide it," Applejack said.
"I have to agree with Applejack on this one, Rainbow Dash. It wouldn't be polite to make another pony's bear eat your bong," Rarity reasoned.
"I have a secret compartment in my wall we can use to hide it," said their pegasus host. "I use it to hide my, uh, personal things."
"Then it's settled!" Rainbow Dash removed the bong from her bag. "We got a plan, we got a gram. Let's do this!"
"I'm still not sure about this, girls." Twilight said worriedly. "We could get in real trouble for this."
"Relax, Twi. We already came up with a plan. All there is to do now is enjoy the party."
Rainbow placed the bong on the table.
"Alright, now we... uhh..." Rainbow pondered the complicated machinations of her bong. There was a big hole on top, a little hole on the side of the chamber at the bottom. There was also a little piece sticking out of the chamber with a little bowl-shaped piece at the end.
"Aha!" Rainbow exclaimed. Removing a large nug from the baggie, she placed the whole thing inside the bowl.
"Now we're ready! So who's gonna get the first hit?"
"Oh oh oh! Me me me me me me meeeee! Pick meeeeeee!!!!" Pinkie wiggled her hoof into Dash's face, annoying her into submission.
"Okay, okay, you can hit it first."
"WOOHOOOO!"
Rainbow handed Pinkie a lighter and the bong.
"Hmmmmm." Pinkie inspected the bong to see how it works. "Ohhhh, okay."
Pinkie removed the nugget of weed and raised it above her open mouth.
"No, wait, Pinkie!!!" Rainbow yelled, grabbing the nug as it was falling into Pinkie's mouth. "You don't eat it!"
"But it smells so delicious and savory!"
Rainbow Dash sighed. "You know what, how 'bout I take the first hit. I did buy it after all."
"Oh, okay! Hit away, Dashie!"
The pegasus observed her bong one more time after placing the nug in the bowl again. She was almost nervous about smoking it, not that she would ever admit it.
"Okay, here we go." Rainbow Dash put her mouth on the large hole at the top, while holding the sparked lighter to the bud. For some reason, no matter how hard she sucked, the weed wasn't burning.
"Oh, you know what; I think I have to plug this little hole on the side first, that way the air comes through the hole where the weed is."
"I think you also have to fill it with water, hon." Applejack said. "It would help if ya broke up that nug while yer at it."
"Right," said Rainbow Dash, placing the nug on the table and attempting to break it up by punching it with her hoof.
"It's not working," she said. "Twilight, a little help?"
After a moment of thinking, Twilight sighed and agreed. "Fine. But I didn't have any part in this, got it?"
"Got it!"
Twilight began crumbling the dank using her magic and placing it in the bowl. Rainbow Dash got a water bottle and poured some of it into the bong until she thought it was enough.
"I think it's all set." Twilight said, examining her job of packing the bowl. Twilight didn't wanna admit it, but she did a pretty good job. It was packed tight, with hardly any space between the pieces.
"Alright, for real this time." Rainbow raised the bong to her lips and went over the steps in her head.
Step one: plug the hole on the side.
Rainbow used a hoof to plug the hole.
So far so good. Step two: ignite combustion tool.
The lighter flicked on after a few failed attempts.
Step three: Don't panic.
Her friends watched confusedly as Rainbow merely sat there without lighting the bowl.
Good. Step four: inhale.
Rainbow sucked air into her lungs as the flame reached into the bowl, lighting some of the weed inside.
Alright, here we go. Step five: Don't cou- D- D- Don't...
COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE COUGH
...cough.
She quickly passed the bong to Applejack in the midst of her coughing. Applejack could see there was still smoke in the chamber, and proceeded to inhale that before anything else.
"You okay, sugarcube?"
A red-faced Rainbow Dash nodded yes despite trying to hold back another coughing attack. After handing the bong to Applejack, the earth pony repeated the same process Rainbow used, without as much coughing.
The bong and lighter were placed back on the table while Rainbow recovered from her coughing.
"Are you sure you're alright, Rainbow Dash?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah I'm fine. It's just been a while."
"Okay y'all, who's next?" Applejack held the bong out for a pony to take.
"I WILL, I WILL, I WILL!" Pinkie put her mouth on the bong, lit it, and blew out a puff of smoke in a matter of seconds. She didn't even remove the bong from Applejack's hoof, leaving the orange pony confused, yet not surprised.
"Okay then, who's next? Fluttershy?"
The pony nervously looked around the circle of friends and back at Applejack. "Um, I dunno."
"C'mon Fluttershy, you can do it!" Rainbow yelled. "I bet you could even smoke better than I did!"
Fluttershy looked around at her friends' encouraging looks, all except for Twilight, who seemed indifferent.
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Okay, I will."
"That-a-girl!"
Applejack handed the materials over to the shy pegasus, and Fluttershy hesitated to do anything before putting her mouth to the bong and covering the side hole. Applejack helped by holding the lighter up to the bowl. Fluttershy couldn't look, and closed her eyes.
Oh no, I'm gonna fail. I'm not even gonna take half the hit Rainbow took and I'm still gonna choke up! What do I do, what do I do?
"Sweet... Faust. Fluttershy, you demon," she heard Rainbow Dash say.
"I must say, most impressive, Fluttershy."
"Ooooowee, she's a natural born smoker!"
Fluttershy worked up the nerve to look at what her friends were talking about. She didn't even realize she'd been inhaling the whole time. And a lot of the top half of the bowl was burning red, filling her lungs with smoke until she had to exhale.
Raising her mouth off the bong, she heard Applejack say, "Hold it, hold it, hold it..."
Fluttershy did just that until she had to exhale a few seconds later. A large cloud of smoke was blown out, fogging up much of the living room.
"Wow, Fluttershy! You showed that greenie weedie who's boss!" Pinkie yelled, making boxing motions with her hooves. "You were like *GASP*, and it was like *SSSSSS*, and we were like *GAAASP*, and you were like-"
"I think she gets the point, sugarcube." Applejack said, putting a hoof to Pinkie's mouth, only to get some saliva on it. "Eww."
"Fluttershy, are you sure you've never done this before?" Twilight asked.
"I'm sure. I honestly didn't know I had it in me."
"Well you did!" Rainbow exclaimed with a pat on her friend's head. Fluttershy could see her eyes were already a little red. "I knew you could do it."
Fluttershy blushed as Applejack handed the bong to Twilight. "Hey Twi, you sure you don't want any? It's pretty good, mang."
Rainbow giggled at her friend's remark. "Did you just say mang?"
The baked farm pony laughed along with her. "Ah think ah did."
The two ponies continued laughing while Twilight floated the bong back to the table. "No thanks, that's definitely not for me."
A blue magic aura levitated the bong to Rarity. "Well, I don't know about you, but a lady is always open to trying out new things, as long as it isn't harmful of course."
Rarity copied the same technique as her friends did, and lit the weed inside the bowl. Unbeknownst to her, she left the lighter on for too long and lit way more weed than she expected. After taking an honorable, lady-like hit, Rarity fund she couldn't continue and took her mouth off to cough the smoke.
Rarity, in a fit of coughing, handed the bong straight to Twilight. A lot of the weed in the bowl was still burning, wasting away while nopony was inhaling it. Twilight looked at her friends, who were all anxiously awaiting her to take a hit, except for Rarity, who looked like she was about to die of coughing.
Twilight knew it was illegal. She couldn't smoke something she knew was illegal, could she?
No, of course not. What if Celestia found out? She would never let me live it down. She might even disown me as her student!
Then the thought of going to prison crossed her mind. She had heard of all the things that happen in pony prison. They were terrible, terrible things! The food was almost inedible. The harsher inmates would give other inmates wet willies. The toilets were even in plain view of everyone, making it really awkward to go to the bathroom! No no, there was no way she was going to prison.
"Hey Twilight," Rainbow dash grimaced, "I heard pot makes every book more enjoyable."
"And the food!" Pinkie added, shoving a whole bag of cotton candy into her mouth, plastic and all. "Oh my Faust, yeeesss!"
"And everyhting is way funnier." Applejack giggled, observing my typo. "Heh, everyhting."
Twilight looked curiously at the bong, a battle between two options duking it out in her head. Finally, a long, drawn out sigh escaped Twilight's lips, followed by the two magic words.
"Screw it."
Her friends made a victory cheer as Twilight lifted the plastic bong to her mouth. The unicorn inhaled, choked, and the bong went around again and again until they had burned through half their stash.
When the ponies were satisfied, the bong was set down on the table along with the weed. Fluttershy had put on an old Led Chariot record. They were listening to When the Levee Breaks with endless fascination. It was like they were hearing the same song... but different. Like each note was its own miniature masterpiece.
When the second verse ended, Rainbow worked up the mental cohesion to utter out, "Led Chariot was pretty sauce."
Applejack chuckled, but the other ponies barely noticed her use of condiments as adjectives.
"You know what else is pretty sauce?" AJ asked. "Pizza."
The ponies' ears perked up at the mention of pizza.
"That's a great idea, Applejack!" Rarity remarked, her eyes bloodshot red. "Let's order a pizza!"
The others gave expressions of approval before Fluttershy reached for her phone. Looking through her phone book, the pegasus dialed the number of the pizza joint.
The phone rang for a minute before a raspy adolescent voice answered. "This is Good Pizza, home of the Good Pizza, may I take your order?"
Fluttershy, in her naturally nervous state, froze in fear.
"Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,"
"Hello?"
"Here's Applejack!" Fluttershy yelled into the phone, tossing it to the orange pony, whose head it bounced off and onto her lap.
Applejack, barely able to form coherent thoughts, gave a meager, "huh?" Realizing there was a phone on her lap, AJ held it to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Yes, this is Good Pizza. Were you going to order something?"
Applejack suddenly knew why Fluttershy panicked, as the farm pony panicked as well.
Uh oh. What do I say? What would a normal, non-inebriated pony say in this predicament? C'mon Applejack. Think, girl, think!
"I like pizza."
There was a brief silence on the line, though it was drowned out by Rarity and Pinkie's uproaring laughter.
"Um, okay. What kind of pizza would you like?"
"Uh, cheese"
"Oookay, what size?"
"As large as you can make it."
"So, extra large?"
"Mmm, yeah."
"Okay, and what address will this be delivered to?"
"Fluttershy's house."
There was another pause. "Which is..."
"It's brown I think."
"Good day, ma'am," was followed by a click and a long, drawn out beep.
Applejack put the phone back on the receiver. "Pizza's on its way, girls."
Her friends gave a resounding yay, all except Twilight, who was silently reading a book. Her eyes limped along the page, not darting as they usually do. Occasionally, Twilight's thoughts would wander, and she would read the words without actually comprehending them. When she went back and continued reading, Twilight was amazed by how well she understood the underlying themes now. Every word was intricately chosen, arranged, and punctuated to weave a perfect web of literature. Nothing was out of place or unnecessary. Every single letter had a purpose. Even the cadence of the words read inside her brain was steady and even, like the meter of a catchy song.
What was this book? This perfection made paper? Twilight had to know. She turned it to see the cover. Little Bumble's ABC's! greeted her gaze, along with an illustration of a jubilant bumble bee cheering.
Twilight spent the next five minutes trying to remember where she got the book from.
The lazy ponies sat around, discussing every little thing that happened to cross their minds. Rarity explained a detailed, yet painfully slow history of the Battle of Trotterloo, while her friends scratched their chins in contemplation. A sudden knock on the door interrupted her lecture.
"PIZZA'S HERE!" Pinkie yelled, nearly throwing herself at the front door, before Rainbow stopped her.
"Easy there, I'll get it." Rainbow said, walking over and looking through the peephole. Her heart skipped more than a couple beats.
"Cops!" Rainbow yelled as softly as she could.
The other ponies became statues for a brief moment before panic settled in.
"Coparoonis? But I asked for pepperonis!" Pinkie screamed.
"This isn't the time, Pinkie," Rarity urged. "Oh, what do we do?"
Twilight's head was abuzz with all the worst-case scenarios she imagined would happen, turning her into psycho-Twilight that would come out every once in a while.
"Okay, okay, I can handle this. All we need is a crow bar, a saw, a large shovel, and a burlap bag. Yes, yes, that'll do nicely!"
"Twilight, we're not killing the cop!" Applejack reasoned with the crazed pony. "There's only one thing we can do. To keep from gettin' arrested, we're gonna need to get rid of the evidence."
Picking up the weed off the table, AJ turned to face Fluttershy. "Sugarcube, you gotta smoke all the weed before that cop comes in!"
"What? Me? By myself?" Fluttershy looked at how much was left, then shrinked from her friend. "But... I can't."
"You got to! You're the best smoker I ever did see, ain't no lie." Another knock sent the other ponies further into panic. "If anyone can do this, it's you, Fluttershy."
The pegasus glanced around at the chaos surrounding her. Twilight was becoming a psychopath, Pinkie was gone, Rarity hid poorly behind everything larger than a marble, and Rainbow was hyperventilating. This wasn't the time fore her to punk out now. This was a time for action. The usual usual shy expression she gave fled from her face, replaced by intense determination.
"Pack me a bowl, Applejack."
The farm pony nodded and quickly packed the remainder of the weed inside the bong, filling way past the top. Fluttershy felt a knot in her throat, but choked it down for her friends' sake. Pinkie, with a muffled, "I GOT THIS", produced a blowtorch from under the couch cushion, lighting the bowl as Fluttershy sucked in with all her might. The bubbling of the bong was loud enough to make her friends stop what they were doing and observe. They watched in awe as Fluttershy took the monstrous hit.
Rainbow Dash saluted the brave pony with a hoof, shedding a single tear. "Make me proud, son."
"Son?" said AJ.
A series of impatient knocks added pressure onto the fragile pegasus, but it would not hinder her. Using every last bit of strength she had, Fluttershy sucked the bong harder, burning every last bit of dank until its contents were nothing but a black pile of ash. A long exhale filled the entire room with smoke.
"Will she cough?" Twilight asked.
Everyone waited with suspense to see if her question would be answered.
Fluttershy exhaled what was left, then smirked.
"Cough cough."
"She did it!" Pinkie screamed before Fluttershy was wrapped in a group hug, finished off with fist-bumps, high-fives, and gucci-slaps. It was all very Rocky-esque.
"Woooo, we ain't goin' to jail!"
"You know the door was unlocked, right?" a voice from behind them said.
With absolute terror, they all turned to face the blue-uniformed officer standing beside the open door. His bushy mustache and aviator glasses only barely hid the look of grim smugness on his face.
"Looks like you ladies are in a bit of trouble," the cop said coldly, swishing a toothpick in his mouth.
The ponies in question stood silently for a minute before they erupted into a storm of beratement.
"Who do you think you are?" Rainbow yelled. "Breaking into houses is against the law!"
"Most uncivil." Rarity remarked, sticking her nose up at the cop.
Pinkie Pie got into the cop's face, now wearing reading glasses, and pulled a large book from under her hair. Very quickly, she read, "If you read Article 4, section 2, sub-section 0 of the police behavioral and operational handbook, you'll note it says any evidence obtained illegally by an officer is not admissible in court! This means you didn't see ANYTHING!"
"She's right." Applejack grinned. "In fact, I can call the cops right now if I felt it."
"I am the cops!" he replied.
"Cops is plural. You're singular!" Twilight corrected.
"Why should I care?"
"You're killing our language! Just like you're killing our freedoms."
All the ponies nodded in agreement, much to the officer's dismay.
A moment of intense silence was interrupted by Fluttershy.
"You're a rude dude."
One by one, her friends began snickering and cracking up, including the incredibly baked pegasus.
"You may have eluded justice today, ponies," the cop said, stepping out of the door. "But I promise you, one day it'll find you. And it'll bring down a righteous sword of... uh... righteousness! You haven't seen the last of Officer Uptight!"
Slamming the door, he left the ponies in a brief silence.
"Officer Uptight?" Applejack remarked.
"What kind of dumb name is that?' Rainbow agreed.
Everypony shared a good laugh, brushing off the officer's silly promises of institutional justice.
They all agreed to do it again next Thursday, and Fluttershy gave a barely audible cough.
