Tealove's Steamy Adventure

by insaneponyauthor

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Applejack
Length: 14085

She's on a quest for a tea plant with magic powers. She'll have to contend with plot holes big enough to drive a zeppelin though. Who can she trust, if she can't even keep her own backstory straight?

An unusual conversation convinces Ponyville's premier tea merchant to embark on a journey to find a tea plant with magic powers. To find ... the Scary Purple Dragon Tea! Or was it White Dragon Bush? Epic Tea Leaves? Oh brother ...

Tealove will travel from the skies above Equestria, to the caves below, to its darkest, most dangerous forests. She'll contend with monsters, trolls, mad scientists, insane cultists, and teammates who aren't what they seem. But the greatest threat Tealove will face on her quest is the complete lack of consistency. The backstories, motivations, and allegiances of everypony she meets will change at the drop of a hat. It's almost like she's being written by a team of authors who aren't communicating with each other at all. Who can Tealove trust, when she can't even keep the most basic details of her own quest straight?

Published 2014-09-17 03:40:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-09-17 03:40:08 UTC

For the Love of Tea

[A/N: This is an exquisite corpse. Caveat lector.]

Tealove didn’t really think about the mirror behind the counter. It was just another piece of the background, one of the many decorations she had affixed to the walls to create the nebulous yet most vital component of the shop - the ambiance. If anything, the mirror’s purpose was to promote the illusion of size; The Tea Cozy was a bit cozier than she would have liked. And yet today, something in the mirror had suddenly caught her eye.

Tealove looked into the mirror and a pink earth pony smiled back. The reflection sported an unruly pink mane that glinted in places where glitter and confetti were stuck to stray bits of dried glue. There was a grin that looked familiar and yet strangely off today. In short, it looked nothing like her.

“Hi, Pinkie,” Tealove said. “What’s up?”

“Can I ask you something important?” asked Pinkie Pie, “I’ve asked so many ponies already and nopony knew what to do.”

“Of course,” replied Tealove, “though I can’t promise I’ll know any better.”

“What would you do if you felt really unhappy?”

“Me? I would talk to Pinkie Pie. You’re always the best at cheering people up.”

“But I am Pinkie Pie! And I can’t figure out how to cheer myself up. I can’t even do the one thing I can do any more!”

“I can think of one thing that might help. Have you ever had Scary Purple Dragon Tea? That should purge your low vibrational energy in no time!”

“That sounds great. Do you know where I could get Scary Purple Dragon Tea?”

Tealove wished she could say The Tea Cozy. In fact, she was disappointed that Pinkie had somehow failed to make the obvious connection. But in truth, she didn’t have any in stock. She didn’t stock it at all. Not even The Golden Saucer in central Canterlot would have any in stock it except by special request.

“It’s a bit of a journey, but I’ll get some for you,” she eventually settled on.

“Really? Where are you going?” Pinkie was annoying inquisitive sometimes.

“Oh it’s not that bad. I’ll just be traveling past Hayseed Swamp, across the Eighth Sea to the Island of Serendipity, and up the Cliffs of Inevitable Death. Then it’s just through the Vale of Tears and second cave on the right. The tea is guarded by a terrifying dragon. They say he only accepts grade A luster cut diamonds.”

“That sounds awfully scary and dangerous and deathy to me,” said Pinkie. “I can’t let you put yourself in danger like that.”

“Oh it’s not actually as dangerous as it sounds. There’s only been one death on the cliffs in the last 20 years.” Admittedly because few even try.

“I’m not talking about the cliffs. What about pirates? Don’t you know that the Eight Sea is patrolled by the Dread Pirate Pipsqueak? He never leaves anypony alive!”

Tealove had not in fact heard this. She was a bit skeptical. “Really? If he never leaves anypony alive, how do you know?”

“Because he told me! Duh!”

Was that a joke? If so, the levity was a welcome change from Pinkie’s somber demeanor. But knowing Pinkie, it would be difficult to get a straight answer from her. And she definitely didn’t want Pinkie worrying about yet another thing. She decided to try some more decisive reassurance.

“You certainly don’t have to worry about that. Ever since the bridge was completed last year, we’ve had train service direct to the island. I’ll be back before you even know I’m gone.”

“Well if you insist, can you at least take this? I have friends all over Equestria. Just show this to one of them if you ever need help.” Pinkie reached towards the mirror.

Through some process that Tealove refused to contemplate, a piece of paper found itself pressed into her hoof. There was writing on it, but she couldn’t figure out what it said. It was almost like all the letters were backwards. Was this mirror writing? She didn’t even want to know how that was supposed to work. And besides, she had preparations to make and a train ticket to purchase.

***

The train station platform was unsurprisingly uncrowded. Not many ponies were traveling east in the middle of a work day. And Tealove hadn’t told anyone she was leaving, so there would be nopony endlessly yelling goodbye. Which is why she was startled to hear a familiar voice.

“I hear you are going on quite the journey,” Vinyl Scratch said.

“I am,” the green tea pony replied uninterestedly.

“I would say break a leg, but you know what happened last time. Could you please at least make sure you’ve got the rent covered till the end of the month?” said the white unicorn with glasses.

“Sorry what?” said the nonwhite non-unicorn without glasses.

“You know, the thing with Octavia? No? Three years we lived together and then one day she’s off on the train for a family reunion and the next thing I know, she announces she’s moving into the royal palace in Canterlot with no explanation. Can you believe it? At first I thought the monster attack spooked her, but I hear Canterlot got hit too, so who knows what her problem was. I just barely managed to find another roomate in time, and now you’re off on some mysterious train adventure too? Give me a break,” said Tealove’s recent roomate.

“Now that you mention it, I’ve always wanted to have my own shop with a whole building and storefront and bedroom upstairs and everything,” said the emerald entrepreneur. “And the great thing about Ponyville is that property is so much cheaper than in Canterlot. I think I’ve almost got enough saved up to move out. Anyway, that’s my train so I need to get going.” As she turned to leave, Tealove heard Vinyl’s reply.

F***

In her haste to get on board, Tealove failed to notice an oversized piece of luggage stretching across the floor. With a thud and a crash, she fell to the floor and her bags spilled out beside her. She quickly started gathering everything back up. Where was her ticket? She spotted the silver rectangle five seats down on the floor. How had it gotten all the way over there? She quickly ran over to pick it up before the hooves of other passengers could step on it.

The journey was as monotonous as it was rapid. As Luna’s Sun set on the surrounding countryside, Tealove turned her attention away from the window. She decided to double check to make sure she had everything before taking a nap. Much to her surprise, she found her ticket clinging to the inside of her bag. Two tickets? How could… she must have grabbed somepony else’s ticket by mistake! She quickly flipped over the extra ticket to look for a name, but the only thing on it was a cryptic message.

DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT

TRAIN WILL BREAK DOWN AT 20:52

--- THE TURTLE MOVES ---

What the hay? She hadn’t eventhe slightest clue what any of this meant. As far as she knew, there was no such thing as “20:52.” She went from car to car trying to see who the ticket had belonged to, but to no avail.

“Just what could the turtle mean, and why would the train break down at this specific time?” she thought to herself.

With the mystery wrapping around her head, she succumbs to exhaustion and takes a nap.

***

A few hours had passed before the train abruptly stopped in it’s tracks, waking up the passengers. Everypony starts yelling at the conductor to keep the train moving, but it wasn’t long before they knew that the conductor had disappeared without a trace. Tealove tried asking anypony if they knew where he went, but they were just as baffled as her. Next thing she knew, a devious roar echoed through the area, shaking up the train and everypony inside it.

The train fell silent for a few, long minutes. Everypony looked at each other, wondering where that noise had came from. The air was growing thin with the sound of heartbeats. Some passengers were on the verge of tears.

“RAAAUUUUWWWRRRRRRR!!!!”

The roaring came back full force, breaking every window on the train. In the blink of an eye, everypony was pushed back as the conductor’s car was smashed into rubble. All the passengers panicked as they jumped out of the windows, fleeing for their lives as each passenger car was being flattened. Tealove grabbed all her belongings swiftly and ran as fast as she could before jumping out of the last car. Right before she landed onto the ground, she caught a glimpse of what was causing this calamity.

A huge, round silhouette covering most of the night sky. The creature must had been at least 20 stories tall. It has what seemed to be an armor-like shell covering most of it’s body. Before Tealove could see anymore of the creature, she and her luggage fell down a steep hill, far from the wreckage. She then knocked her head on a boulder, causing her to knock-out for the rest of the night.

As the last roar of the night was belted by the beast, the area grew silent.

***

Tealove woke up sore, in the middle of a forest, not unlike the Everfree back near her hometown. Everywhere she turned her head there were trees for miles. No nearby towns, no dirt roads, just complete and utter wilderness. Cold and scared, wondering where she could be. Accepting that she may not be know where her expected location may be anymore, she picks up whatever she had left and tries to find her way out.

As she treks from tree to tree, she hears rustling nearby. The air grows tense as she begins to feel that she’s being watched. The trees start knocking by themselves, as if some invisible force is bucking each one with great strength. Each step deeper into the forest becomes louder as the environment excites with disembodied noises. And then, the scent of black pepper suddenly spiked her nostrils.

“I’m guessing you got lost in the forest as well huh?”

Tealove turned around and saw a dapper Zebra sitting on a log, sprinkling pepper on a sandwich he was eating. He wore a nice tuxedo vest and a diamond-patterned top hat. He sneezed on the pepper for a bit before continuing his words.

“You must be Tealove, owner of The Tea Cozy. Heard many great things about your delicious drinks.”

She just nodded, confused by the fancy zebra who knew her.

“Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I go by many names, but you can call me Baron Zeppeli. I tried coming to your place to get myself some fresh Spode Blue tea, but I got myself lost in this bundle of trees. I wonder, where are you going?”

“I was trying to go get the ingredients to make Scary Purple Dragon tea, but an armored monster attacked the train I was riding in.”

Zeppeli dropped his sandwich as his hooves started to tremble.

“An armored monster you say?”

“Yes. Big and round as well.”

“Hmmm… did you receive something before all of this happened?”

“Well, I did find this ticket, but I’m sure it’s nothing”

Zeppeli rushes up towards Tealove to examine the ticket.

“Oh dear… Ms. Tealove, you need to come with me, you need to know something about this artifact you have here.”

Zeppeli held Tealove’s hoof as they rush to the edge of the forest. They start nearing a stone wall as Zeppeli holds up his hoof, creating an entrance to the inside. Everything was dark and damp until the lights were turned on. Her eyes opened wide as she saw something that filled her with shock and astonishment.

“Ms. Tealove, we’ve got a lot of work on our hooves…”

***

Inside the room in the stone wall was a very strange machine. There were several bottles and tubes filled with liquid that swirled a rainbow of colors, and these tubes were all attached to what looked like a metal face mask with two test tubes sticking out of the eyeholes. Next to this collection of tubes was a reclining chair that had several belt straps attached to it, as if it was intended for holding somepony down. Also in the room were two unicorns with maniacal grins on their faces. One of them was pink with a yellow mane and tail, with a cherry pie for a cutie mark, and the other was blue with an orange mane and a rather unusual cutie mark. It was an orange flame suspended over two wavy water lines.

“Be patient, Cherry Pie, Waterfire. Our guest should at least know what we’re going to do to her,” said Baron Zeppeli, stepping in front of the two unicorns. Tealove looked behind her as she heard a thudding noise. The door to the stone room had shut itself, leaving her trapped.

“What do you want with me?!” Tealove exclaimed, beginning to get very frightened, “What does this have to do with my ticket?”

“Nothing. I lied. I don’t care about your ticket. I’ve just been waiting for a chance to try out my new machine on a guest pony, and then you came along,” Zeppeli said smugly, tossing the ticket at Tealove’s feet.

“YOU’VE been waiting?! What about us?! C’mon, let me turn her eyes hot pink! Or maybe red, or yellow!” Cherry Pie blurted out.

“No, turn them blue!” Waterfire argued.

“I hate blue!” Cherry Pie snapped.

“Yeah, well I hate pink!” Waterfire shot back.

“Just get her in the chair! You can try making her eyes change color on their own if you’d like!” Zeppeli bellowed in exasperation, “I’m not the one with telekinesis around here!”

During their argument, Tealove had been looking frantically around the stone room, hoping that she could find a window or some other opening that she could use to escape from these insane ponies who wanted to change her eye color. She quite liked the shade of pale pink her eyes already were, thank you, and she didn’t appreciate being thought of as a science experiment either. Unfortunately, the only window she saw was very close to the ceiling, which would mean she would have to climb to get up there. She then gasped in shock and pain as she felt herself being dragged by her tail towards the chair and that strange machine filled with what she now realized were probably dyes, given the argument those two unicorns had over changing her eye color.

“Please at least tell me what you’re going to do to me,” Tealove whimpered.

“We’re going to change your eye color. With luck, we can even make it so that your eyes can change colors on their own,” Zeppeli explained as Waterfire and Cherry Pie used their telekinesis to strap Tealove down to the chair.

“But why?! Why can’t you experiment on yourselves instead of trapping me in here?! I just wanted to find exotic teas!” Tealove sobbed as the metal eye mask was lowered towards her face. Suddenly, the discarded ticket on the floor began to glow with a swirling minty green color.

“You said the magic word! Experiment! Find new things, have adventures, AND it sounds like spearmint!” cheered a new voice. In a flash of minty green light, it turned into an Earth pony mare. She was a mint green color, with a pink mane, and her cutie mark was of three mint candies.

“Who the buck are you?!” Zeppeli exclaimed, startled by the appearance of the newcomer. He then smirked. “Well, you can get your eyes experimented on after I do Tealove here.”

“My name is Minty, and she’s coming with me! She said the magic word, so she must be the chosen one who will be my new adventure companion!” announced Minty.

“Don’t let her take our guinea pig away! Catch that green pony!” Zeppeli ordered. Waterfire and Cherry Pie lifted a net and swung it at Minty, who leapt aside easily. Minty charged towards the chair Tealove was strapped to, and Zeppeli tried to block her. Just as the net was swung at Minty again, she dodged out of the way, and the net closed around Zeppeli instead. In the confusion caused by Waterfire and Cherry Pie trying to free Zeppeli from the net, Minty yanked the belts with her teeth and ripped them, freeing Tealove. Tealove took her chance and scooted off of the chair, following Minty as she dashed towards the place where the door to the stone room was.

“Get back here! I want to turn your whole body blue!” Waterfire shouted.

“No! Turn her pink!” Cherry Pie argued.

“I’m GREEN!! And that’s the way I like it!” Minty declared, and then with a powerful kick of her hind legs, she smashed the stone door open. She and Tealove ran out the door, and then Tealove stopped, staring in surprise. There was a brilliantly emerald green hot air balloon sitting in what was Zeppeli’s front yard.

“Quick, get in! I’ll take you on an adventure, you can find exotic teas and you can keep your eyes they way they are!” Minty ordered as Cherry Pie and Waterfire raced through the door, still chasing after their escaped prey. Tealove wasn’t quite sure if she could trust this strange new pony, but Minty did seem safer than the two unicorns who were aiming their net at her again, so she jumped into the basket of the hot air balloon with Minty.

“So how did you find me? And...where’s my ticket? I had a train ticket with me, and then it glowed, and I don’t know where it is now,” Tealove said as the balloon rose into the air.

“I was the ticket,” said Minty. Tealove stared at her in amazement. How could a pony have been a ticket, or did the ticket turn into this pony? Either way, she was definitely on an adventure, as Minty had put it.

"But what are you really?", asked Tealove. "Are you a ticket that can turn into a pony, or a pony that can turn into a ticket?"

"Yes, exactly!"

"What do you mean, which one– oh, never mind." Tealove sighed and turned to look at the place they were leaving behind. Then she saw it. A massive balloon... no, a blimp, made of some material with a metallic gleam.

A lead zeppelin.

The giant airship had loudspeakers mounted on the sides, which soon came to life, shouting "COME BACK HERE AT ONCE! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND GOOD TEST SUBJECTS THESE DAYS?"

"Never!", Minty shouted back. "Come on, we need to get out of here."

Of course, balloons have a tendency to move unbearably slow. Still, the zeppelin was steadily creeping up on them, getting closer and closer each minute.

"They're gaining on us", said Tealove, who was starting to shake in her seat with tension.

Minty looked at the pursuing airship. "That's weird. How can something so big be faster than us? Oh well, guess there's only one thing to do now." She began to reach for a strange lever up above them when she stopped and said, "You should fasten your seatbelt now."

Tealove looked around, surprised that the seat actually did have seatbelts. As she put the belt around her and clicked the buckle into place, she had to ask the obvious question: "Why does a hot-air balloon even have seatbelts, anyway?"

"You'll see." Minty grabbed the side of the basket and pulled the lever. The cords that held the basket suddenly became loose, and it began to drop like a stone.

Tealove immediately felt a lump rise up from her stomach to her throat as the basket entered freefall. Whatever she would have been subjected to at the hooves of Baron Zeppeli and his crazy assistants, this was much worse. Absolutely, completely, undeniably worse. "You're insane!", she screamed. "We're going to die!"

"No we won't! Just watch!"

But she couldn't watch, she didn't want to watch. All she could do was close her eyes shut and scream to block out the feeling of weightlessness. The seatbelt being the only thing keeping her from floating out of her seat. Why did everything have to turn out like this? All she wanted was to find some new exotic tea. Was that really too much to ask for?

Before she could start to wonder whether anyone would miss her when she didn't come back home, the basket suddenly lurched forward, and Tealove felt her body inexplicably pressed hard against the seat.

"See," said Minty, "I told you we weren't going to die."

Tealove dared to open her eyes again, and was shocked to find that just about everything had changed shape. The basket had turned into this tube with long, flat parts coming out of both sides.

"It's a glider", Minty said. "Now you don't need to be a pegasus to be able to fly. Isn't that amazing?"

It was amazing, but the transformation had stunned her into silence. She sat silently for a minute before she was able to regain enough of her composure to speak. "H-h-how did... you just... and then we... and now it's..."

"Sorry, I don't speak unintelligible gibberish. Can you say that again in normal talk?"

"How did you turn a hot air balloon into... this?"

"Magic, of course! How else do you think it would happen?"

"Oh... of course." Of course. She should have known better than to get a straight answer out of this mare. She looked back at the pursuing airship, relieved at least that it was getting smaller and smaller. Hopefully it would be out of sight soon. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"It's this town just outside Equestria. See, I only borrowed this glider from a friend of mine, so I have to take it back. It's not a bad place to get some tea, either. You were looking for something new and exotic, weren't you?"

"How did you know about that?"

"I was your train ticket, remember? And you mumble in your sleep."

Now that just wasn't true. "I don't mumble", Tealove mumbled.

Baron Zeppeli watched as the vehicle carried his "test subject" into the horizon, and smiled. "Brilliant performance, ladies. I'm sure the Duchess will be pleased."

A screen came to life behind him, displaying the face of a pegasus in an outfit almost fit for a princess. From the speakers came a slightly distorted voice that said, "Based on your jubilant remark, I assume everything has gone as planned, Baron?"

"Yes, milady, the tracker is working perfectly. You should be seeing a constant update of Dame Tealove's location, and you may track her down at your leisure."

"Very well. I shall see to it that you are rewarded handsomely. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Baron Zeppeli bowed as the monitor switched off. Today was a good day.

"We're almost there!", said Minty.

"Almost where?" Tealove leaned to the side to get a view of their destination. She couldn't get a very good look, but she could see a cluster of rooftops at least. It looked almost as large as Ponyville, if you didn't count Sweet Apple Acres.

"The town I was telling you about earlier, where my friend lives. It's called Burguetetown. Her house isn’t too far from where we should be landing.”

Tealove braced herself as the glider came in for a landing. It would have been more comfortable if it were still a hot-air balloon, but considering all that had already happened today, it wasn’t that big of a worry.

“Alright, let’s go return this, then,” said Minty “My friend might even be able to help you with that exotic tea you wanted.”

“Right.” Tealove replied curtly.

Minty started heading off in one direction urging Tealove to follow her, which she did shortly.

As they walked, Tealove looked around at the town. There were some minor differences that made it clear she was far from home, but the general atmosphere seemed very similar to her home back in Ponyville. As she took this in, she felt calmer about this whole ordeal and glad they no longer seemed to be pursued by the Baron and his zeppelin.

Or so it seemed, as a unicorn was observing them a distance away.

After watching them walk off, the unicorn created a small viewing portal in which the elegantly-dressed Pegasus appeared.

“We’ve successfully tracked them, ma’am,” he spoke to the image, “They crossed the border and are here in Burguetetown now.”

“Good, good,” the Duchess replied, “Now make sure not to let them out of your sights.”

The unicorn gave a nod, then closed the portal and began following the two ponies from a distance again.

After a few minutes of walking, Minty stopped in front of one of the houses and knocked on the door.

A light blue unicorn with a pink mane answered the door.

“Oh, hello, Minty,” the unicorn said, “Come on in.”

She opened the door as Minty and Tealove entered, the former giving the glider back.

“I see you brought a friend,” Snowcatcher said, before turning to Tealove, “Did she do the thing with the ticket again?”

Tealove responds, somewhat surprised “That’s a regular thing?”

“Sounds like a yes to me,” said Snowcatcher, before extending a hoof, “At any rate, nice to meet you. My name’s Snowcatcher.”

“Tealove,” Tealove replied, shaking back.

“Great, now that you’ve met,” Minty interjected, “Maybe we can talk about what else we came here for besides getting away from that lead zeppelin.”

“Oh, right, yes,” Tealove began. “The reason I got dragged into all this was because I was looking for new and exotic types of tea. Minty said you might know something about it?”

Snowcatcher gave a slightly regretful look before responding.

“Well, yes, but no. I know there are some magical plants growing in the Pyrwhinnies nearby, but I don’t know much about them. They could be helpful, but I wouldn’t know for sure. Catching snowflakes isn’t linked too much to botany.”

Tealove gave a slightly disappointed look.

“Oh, that’s up to me, then. Though considering everything else, that’s the kind of new experience I’m more looking forward to.”

Minty smiled in response.

“Oh, don’t worry about a lack of excitement. This adventure’s still going on.”

Tealove’s face shifted to a cautious one.

“I thought we lost those guys, though.”

“We might have, we might not have. This could be something entirely different.”

Tealove turned around to look outside the window just late enough to miss the unicorn that had been tailing them duck out of sight.

“Well, I did say I wanted to try new things, didn’t I?”

She turned around to face Minty.

“I assume you know the mountains better than I do?”

Minty nods.

“Right,” Tealove said, “guess I’ll be with you, then, come what may.”

“That’s the spirit!” Minty replied. “Now we should get going.”

She turned to face Snowcatcher.

“It was nice seeing you again.”

“Same here,” replied Snowcatcher, before turning to Tealove. “I’d love to try some of the tea you make.”

Tealove nodded.

“I’ll be sure to make some for you when we get back. …Assuming we don’t get caught up in something that sends us back another way at least.”

“Well, if something like that happens, I can wait,” Snowcatcher said.

“Yeah,” Tealove continued. “It was nice meeting you, though.”

The two waved goodbye as they exited the house and started heading for the mountains.

Before long, Tealove and Snowcatcher found themselves in the foothills. The grassy fields outside the town had given way to rocky ridges, covered with crabgrass and the occasional scrubby bush.

“The baron was chasing you in a zeppelin?” Snowcatcher asked. “I’m no expert on transportation, but is that quite an inconvenient way to chase somepony?”

Tealove shrugged. “Well, we were in a hot air balloon, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch. It wasn’t like he could’ve know that the hot air balloon could transform into a glider.”

“Do you know why the baron was chasing you?”

“I think he knows about the tea, and is trying to beat me to it!” Tealove declared. “Or at least follow me so that he can steal it when I finally find the stuff. It is supposed to have magical properties, after all.”

“Like what?”

Tealove shrugged again. “I have no idea. I just heard that it tastes very good.”

“Well, the White Dragon Bush that grows on the top of the Pyrwhinnies supposedly has some sort of magical properties,” Snowcatcher said. “I’m not sure what they are, though. All I know is that it’s very easy to mistake for some other plant that’s poisonous.”

“Oh. I guess I’ll have to—” Tealove froze. “Did you hear that?”

Both ponies were still for a moment. Everything was silent.

Tealove shrugged for a third time. “I guess I must have been hearing things.”

A short ways away, a unicorn was hiding behind one of the small, and unfortunately itchy bushes. There was a distinct lack of cover, which made following his target rather difficult. He groaned and opened a magical communication line. His boss, the irritated-looking Duchess, appeared in the small portal, in the middle of preening her wings.

“What is it now?” she grumbled.

“Tealove is heading out of town into the Pyrwhinnies,” he reported, trying to not to sound to bothered by the pointy twigs jabbing into his back. “Currently, they’re in the foothills, and there’s very little cover. If I try to get any close, they may spot me, but if I hang further back I might lose them. I’m requesting backup who knows the area a bit better.”

“I thought you were a professional,” she snapped back.

“Yes, in urban areas. I should’ve sent somepony else the moment they left Burguetetown.”

“Very well, the Baron will be pleased to hear that they’re in a remote area. It will make things much simpler. Continue to follow them to the best of your ability.” She grinned evilly. “And try not to get lost in the mountains!” The picture vanished.

“...They aren’t paying me enough for this.”

Tealove and Snowcatcher were running like they were being chased by a cave troll, precisely because they were running from a cave troll.

“Some guide you are!” Tealove gasped as she galloped along. “You could’ve mentioned that there were cave trolls around here!”

“We wouldn’t have run into it if you would’ve stayed on the path instead of trying to pick that weird-looking flower!” Snowcatcher answered.

“How was I supposed to know that it was attached to his head?”

“PONAYS!” bellowed the cave troll, from the top of the hill behind them.

“You think he’s going to eat us, or—”

“Cave trolls don’t eat ponies!” Snowcatcher shouted. “They do carry them off and put them in their caves for entertainment, though.”

“He’s still coming,” Tealove said. She was beginning to tire. Distance running had never been her strong suit. “Let’s just find someplace to hide and maybe he’ll just go past us.”

“How about that bush?”

“Well, it’s the only thing here that we could hide behind. Let’s go!”

They darted behind the bush, only to find it already occupied by a unicorn.

“Who the hay are you?” He asked. Naturally, he knew exactly who they were, but he had to at least try to keep up the pretense.

“We’re running from an angry cave troll, if you hadn’t noticed,” Tealove said.

“Oh, I noticed. Why do you think I’m hiding behind this bush?”

“Right,” Snowcatcher said. “Well, whoever you are, be quiet and maybe the troll won’t find us!”

“PONAYS!” came a voice from right above them.

“Or not,” Snowcatcher muttered.

“All I wanted was some tea,” Tealove said with a sigh.

The Baron sat in his enormous velvet-lined chair in the cabin of his Zeppelin. One hoof stroked his pet cat, and his other twirled his mustache. He laughed ominously as he watched his crystal ball, which showed the cave troll advancing on the three ponies.

“Exactly as planned!” he cackled.

The cave troll hummed to himself as he carried the latest catches into his lair.

Snowcatcher, firmly clutched in the troll’s right fist, scratched her chin with her one free hoof. “You know,” she said, “his song isn’t half bad. Do you really have to wriggle so much?”

Tealove, smashed back-to-back with Snowcatcher, paused her struggle against the troll’s vice-like grip. “I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” she said.

“That’s not going to work, anyway,” Snowcatcher replied.

Over in the troll’s left fist, the unicorn sighed. “No way in Tartarus are they paying me enough for this,” he muttered.

Snowcatcher’s ears perked. “Who’s not paying you enough for what? Who are you, anyway?”

“I’m, uh, Colt Skylark. And I represent the … um … Equestrian Royal Fellowship of … Birdwatchers. Yes, birdwatchers. They sent me to do a survey of the birds in these mountains.”

“There’s only one species of bird dumb enough to live in these mountains.”

“That’s why they’re not paying me very much.”

The troll stepped into his living chamber. Above the pile of moss and leaves that served as his bed, there was a tall shelf. On this, he placed the new ponies, then he stepped back to admire his collection. “PRETTY PONAYS,” he said.

As soon as the troll released her, Tealove trotted over to the shelf’s edge. “Got to figure out a way to escape! Maybe we can jump down and … Whoa!” Her head spun as she saw the distance to the cave floor. She tried to skitter back from the ledge, but her legs suddenly felt like jelly.

“Aaaaaaahhh! Oooohhh!” a new voice said behind her. Something grabbed Tealove’s tail and yanked her back from the edge. Then it spun her around, and Tealove found herself face-to-face with the new voice’s owner.

“We have newcomers!” this new pony said. She had a huge smile on her face. Somehow, her teeth were even brighter than her spotlessly white coat. She pressed the tip of her wing into Tealove’s nose. “I know why you’re here!”

“No no no, just stop right there!” Snowcatcher trotted forward, interposing herself between Tealove and the white pegasus. “Every time somepony says that in a movie, they don’t actually know, and it leads to hilarious-misunderstanding-fueled shenanigans. And we don’t have time for shenanigans.”

The white pony tilted her head slightly, but said nothing. Snowcatcher continued, “We’re here because that oaf brought us here. And our business is to get out of here as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just looking for tea leaves,” Tealove squeaked.

“Oaf? Oh, you mean the cave troll?” the white pony said. “Big Jim isn’t an oaf! He’s a real sweetheart. You just have to try to understand him.”

“GRUUUUUUUUUH,” Big Jim said. He scratched his armpit.

“Okay,” Tealove said. “Help us understand him. What did he just say?”

The white pony thought carefully, then answered, “He said, ‘Gruh.’”

Snowcatcher facehoofed.

“There’s a lot more nuance the way he says it.”

The cave troll squinted. There was one pony on the shelf, and another pony, and another pony, and another pony. His gut told him that there should be more another ponies. He didn’t understand what had happened, so he dealt with this problem the same way he dealt with everything he didn’t understand. He ignored it.

With one hand, he grabbed his miniature brush, and with the other he picked up one of the ponies. He began brushing her mane. She made funny little noises as he worked.

“BRUSHY BRUSHY,” he said.

“You monster!” Snowcatcher screamed. “My mane’s already fabulous! I don’t need your help!”

Big Jim continued brushing. She sulked.

After a few minute, she smiled in spite of herself. She had to admit, the brushing did feel pretty good …

“So … I’m Tealove. I don’t think I ever got your name, miss …”

“Libra Ace!” The white pegasus grabbed Tealove’s hoof and shook it vigorously. “Oh, I think I like you new ponies already! I hope you last longer than all the others!”

“Others?” Tealove gulped. “What happened to them?”

“They went cuckoo. Crazy loco mad. Kept babbling about some crazy, made-up place, then they left in search of it, and never came back.”

Tealove gulped again. Libra Ace continued, “I tried to warn them! ‘The outside isn’t real,’ I said. ‘There’s no such place as the surface! Wake up and smell the moss,’ I said. But did they listen to me? Noooo …”

“The outside? As in, outside this cave? That is real. We just came from there.”

“Oh, no!” Tears began forming in Libra’s eyes. She embraced Tealove, and whispered, “It’s okay. We can work through this together.”

Tealove groaned. “I really need some tea right now,” she muttered.

“Oh, it looks like Big Jim is done brushing your friend!”

Colt Skylark slumped down with his rear against the wall. He was as far as he could get, away from the ledge, away from the cave troll, away from that weird pegasus who apparently lived here, and away from those earth ponies. Tealove and Snowcatcher—he couldn’t decide whether to curse them for his current predicament, or curse the Duchess who hired him to spy on them.

A tap on the shoulder brought him out of his miserable musing. Another unicorn was at his side. This one was short and pudgy, almost as wide as he was tall. “Psssst. Yer Skylark, right?"

“Yes. Who are you?” Skylark said.

“Big Tiny Little. Yer replacement, yep-yep.”

“I … I requested backup, not a replacement.”

“Look. De big lady calls me up, says she gots a job for me. I don’t questions my orders yaknowhatimean? So away I goes and here I ams.”

“How did you get here?”

“Back door, yep-yep.” Big Tiny Little waved a hoof behind him. Indeed, there was a pony-sized, open door in the cave wall. “Away you goes.”

Skylark walked to the door. “Wait,” he said, “are you coming?”

“Nah. Somepony’s gotsta spy on dese broads yaknowhatimean?”

“Very well. Big Tiny Little, I’m sorry we couldn’t have met under better circumstances, but all the same I’m very glad to have made your acquaintance. If you’re ever in town, call me up and we can—”

Big Tiny Little shoved him into the passage and slammed the door shut. “Never liked dat mushy stuff, no sir.”

When Big Jim set her back on the shelf, Snowcatcher turned to Tealove. “What’s the damage?”

“Um …” Tealove said.

“Don’t sugarcoat it. How badly did the troll ruin my mane?”

“I honestly can’t tell the difference.”

“I don’t remember what your mane looked like before!” Libra chimed in.

“You don’t remember a lot of things, I’m pretty sure,” Tealove deadpanned.

“What do you mean?”

“Libra Ace, how long have you lived here?”

“No idea!” Libra beamed.

Tealove shrugged to Snowcatcher. Then she leaned in to whisper, “She thinks the outside world doesn’t exist. And she’ll say you’re crazy if you bring it up.”

“What? Hey, Libra, is this true that you can’t remember …” Snowcatcher trailed off as a short, fat unicorn waddled up to the group. “Who are you?”

“Who, me?” he said. “Don’tcha remembers me?”

“Nope!” Libra grinned.

“Yep-yep, but you don’t remembers a lotta things, so I hears.”

“Sounds right!” Libra’s grin didn’t dim in the slightest.

“Anyways,” the unicorn turned towards Snowcatcher, “don’tcha remembers yer old pal, Colt Skylark?”

Snowcatcher groaned and placed a hoof to her forehead. “First of all, you look and sound nothing like Mr. Skylark. Second, he’s not an ‘old friend’—he’s a random pony with a suspicious backstory who we’ve known for less than an hour.”

“So you don’t remembers yer old friend. Snowcatcher, that hurts me, right here it does.” He placed a hoof over his heart.

“I never told you my name.”

“See? See? I remember yer name, but you don’t even remembers tellin’ me yer name, yep-yep! Which of us is the better friend, here?”

“Can’t argue with that logic!” Libra said.

The Duchess spread her wings as she looked down at Colt Skylark. It was a transparent ploy to intimidate him—and it was working.

“Mr. Skylark,” she said. In Colt’s mind, she seemed to grow taller with every word. “You understand exactly why I’m so disappointed in your performance of that last task?”

“Nuh … No, ma’am.”

“Well, that is no longer my problem. Mr. Skylark, I’m afraid you’ve outlived your usefulness to me and to the Baron.”

Colt gulped and frantically searched the floor, to make certain he wasn’t standing on a trapdoor.

“The time has come to … terminate you.”

He looked up, to see if the Duchess or any of the guards were readying their weapons. One of the guards was indeed approaching, but he brandished a bundle of papers. “What?” Skylark sputtered, as the guard shoved the bundle in his face. “What’s this?”

“That?” the Duchess said. “Just your standard notice of termination. There’s your severance pay, a non-disclosure clause, a non-competition clause, so on and so forth. Nothing too unusual. Read it and sign all the highlighted places.”

He read the documents. It was slow going because kept glancing back up to the Duchess or to the guards every few seconds.

The Duchess whispered to the guard at her right hoof, “After he’s signed the paperwork, take care of him.”

“What do you mean by that, ma’am?” the guard answered.

“I mean, escort him from the premises. What did you think I meant?”

“We’re not payed to think, ma’am.”

“PONAY TEA PARTAY!”

Big Jim dropped Tealove into her seat at the table, and she looked around. Snowdrop was to her left, the ersatz Colt Skylark was to her right, and Libra Ace was across from her. The placemats at the table were fabric scraps, and the china was all chipped and oversized—the teacups were the size of soup bowls—and no two pieces of tableware matched at all.

None of that mattered to her. She just wanted some tea, and she wanted it now.

Naturally, Big Jim poured Skylark’s tea first. (Or rather, Big Tiny Little’s tea—that, allegedly, had been Tealove and Snowcatcher’s nickname for him for years and years. He had insisted, and they had given up arguing by then.)

“Really, Libra,” Snowcatcher said, “how can the outside just not exist when the rest of us all agree that we’ve seen it? Right, Tealove? Tiny? Back me up on this!”

“Yep-yep, whatever she say,” Big Tiny Little said. His attention was on the massive cup of tea before him. He sniffed it, then made a face like it was a rotting vegetable.

“Tea, please!” With both hooves, Tealove lifted her empty cup into the air.

Big Jim poured Libra’s tea.

“Oh, there’s any number of explanations for that.” Libra took a sip of her tea and smiled at Big Jim, then continued. “It could be a collective hallucination. Mass hysteria. Hypnotism. If I were really suspicious, I might even think you’re all conspiring against me with your story about the outside, but that would just be silly!”

“But all this stuff, everything in this room that isn’t moss or rocks,” Snowcatcher said. “Where do you think the troll … I mean, where do you think Big Jim gets it all, if there’s no outside? Does he collect it from other parts of this cave?”

Libra nodded vigorously. “Now you’re getting it!”

“Hey, over here!” Tealove pounded her hoof on the table. “I need some tea!”

Big Jim poured Snowcatcher’s tea. She ignored it.

“Really though,” Libra continued. “We’re going about this the wrong way. You can’t prove a negative. I can’t prove that that outside doesn’t exist. No one can.”

“Exactly!” Snowcatcher shouted. “So—”

“So the burden of proof is on you to prove that the outside does exist. Until then, our ‘all cave’ hypothesis is the simplest explanation for all observable phenomena.”

Snowcatcher’s jaw dropped. Big Tiny Little pushed his teacup away. “Lady,” he said, “have you ever mets somepony dat didn’t thinks the outside was real?”

Libra raised her hoof and opened her mouth, but no answer came out. She paused and looked puzzled.

“So yer tellin me dat everypony you knows is crazy or conspiritating. And dat’s the simpler explanation?”

“Wait, wait! There’s Big Jim. You’re forgetting about him.”

“Yep-yep, and what’s Big Jim gots to say about the outside?”

“Last time I asked him, he said, ‘Gruuuuuuh.’”

Bit Tiny Little nodded. “Sounds reasonables to me.”

Big Jim poured Tealove’s tea. She uttered a deep moan of anticipation. She reached for the cup.

Big Jim grabbed her and lifted her into the air. “Oh come on!” she shouted.

With his other hand, the troll grabbed Snowcatcher and held her up so she and Tealove faced each other. “SHIP PONAYS!” he said.

Libra rested her chin in her hooves and said, “Awwwwww, that’s adorable.”

“What?” Snowcatcher said. “What’s he doing?”

“He thinks you two make a cute couple!”

Big Tiny Little nodded gleefully. “Sounds very reasonables to me!”

“Really?” Snowcatcher fluttered her eyelashes. “You know, Tealove, I don’t normally swing that way, but I’m willing to make an exception.”

“I … I …” Tealove suddenly found her mouth very dry. “I already have a boyfriend.”

“KISSY KISSY!” The troll brought his hands together so the two ponies’ faces met. Their foreheads collided, with a clonk sound remarkably similar to a struck coconut. He placed them back in their seats.

Snowcatcher rubbed her forehead. “Ow …”

“Big Jim is right!” Libra chirped. “You two have such great chemistry together!”

Tealove shook her head, then dove for the teacup. She lifted it, drank deeply—and spat the contents onto the table. “What is this?” she said, wiping her mouth off.

“It’s tea, silly!” Libra took another sip from her own cup.

“No, this isn’t! This is a crime against taste. This is an abomination. This is the stuff that tea growers tell campfire horror stories about!” She sniffed her cup, then recoiled. “Oh Celestia, he really did it. He reheated cold tea.”

Tealove shoved the teacup out of her way and climbed onto the table. “Hey, Big Jim! I need to talk to you!” Once she was reasonably certain she had the troll’s attention, she continued, “We’ve put up with a lot in the past few hours! Confinement! Gratuitous hair brushing! And the less said about that “ship” thing, the better! But I draw the line at this! I will not, repeat, will not abide bad tea!”

“Pssst.” Big Tiny Little tapped her shoulder. “Ya gots to pick yer battles, lady.”

“Tea is the right of all thinking creatures, Mr. Little.”

“... Fair ‘nuff.”

Tealove produced her travel-sized stash of emergency tea leaves. “Big Jim! I have a proposal! You obviously have some way of heating water, and I have some high-quality tea leaves! Well, not quite the top-shelf stuff I’d serve for, say, the Princesses, but the best leaves you can get without breaking the bank. Anyway! If you will simply provide a pot of boiling water, then I will brew the tea for us! What do you say to that?”

The troll scratched his head. The pony tea party wasn’t turning out at all like it was supposed to. One of the ponies was standing on the table, looking at him and making funny noises.

He didn’t know what any of it meant, but his gut told him that he should go make some hot no-flavor water.

“GRUUUUUUH.” Scratching his head, Big Jim lumbered out of the chamber.

Libra spoke. “He said—”

“I know,” Tealove deadpanned.

Unperturbed, Libra asked, “So, why did you come here looking for tea leaves if you already have tea leaves?”

“Well, I’m not looking for just any kind of tea. I’m looking for a special variety. I’m looking for the white dragon bush.”

Big Tiny Little did a very poor job pretending to pay no attention to Tealove’s words. Libra made no attempt at all to hide her sudden interest.

“White dragon bush?!” She leaped up onto the table to approach Tealove. “Do you mean the demon seed? Witch’s weed? The lop-ear’s bane?”

“Yes, it’s easily confused with that—”

“Does it have red flowers?”

“... Yes.”

“Oh Celestia, I’ve been such a fool. How could I have forgotten? I just hope we’re not too late ...” She climbed down to the floor. “Tealove, dear, could you please step off the table? Thank you. And could all of you step away from the table for just a second? Thank you. RRRAAAAAAUGH!”

With one swift motion, Libra flipped the table across the chamber. There was a hole in the floor, below where the table had stood seconds before. Libra reached into the hole, and pulled out a baseball bat. A wooden one, with a dozen rubber ducks attached to the business end. She tucked it beneath her wing.

“What?” Tealove said.

“You jogged my memory. I remember everything now! That white dragon bush you’re looking for, Tealove, is more important than you can imagine. We must find it before it falls into the wrong hooves! And remember: never eat the red flowers!”

“I already knew that.”

“Follow me! I know the way to the surface!” Libra ran through the exit.

Tealove and Snowcatcher exchanged a glance, shrugged, and followed her. Big Tiny Little followed them, as quickly as his legs would allow.

The Baron munched on a bowl of popcorn as he watched events unfold in his crystal ball. It was his favorite kind of popcorn: lightly dusted with salt from the tears of orphans.

In the crystal ball, the four ponies exited the cave, and set off again in the direction of the Pyrwhinnies.

“Yesh,” he said, through cheeks filled with salty deliciousness. “Egshactly ash planned!”

Libra’s tunnel was cramped, moist, and stiflingly warm, and so Tealove was more than a little bit relieved to burst from the passage and into the cool evening air after what felt like hours of spelunking.

“I wasn’t meant for this kind of exertion,” the teapony complained, collapsing beside the pegasus to catch her breath.

“Well I sure hope you’re not too tired to go again,” Snowcatcher said, trotting up behind the other two mares, “because we can hardly stop now.”

Tealove looked over her sweaty flank at her best friend with a sense of impending dread.

“More?” she whimpered. “Haven’t we been through enough for one day?” Her eyes wandered over to Libra, and the duck-covered bat clutched under her wing in particular. A shudder ran up her spine as she tried not to think of what earthly purpose the white-coated pony could have in mind for it.

Snowcatcher nodded, licking her lips with a look of intensity on her face, and turned to Libra. “I think it’s about time you came out with it. What’s so important about Tealove’s bush?”

“It’s not the bush, it’s the flower!” Libra answered.

“The one that made you forget everything else?”

“Exactly! Do you know what the wrong set of hooves could do if they got ahold of that flower?”

Tealove thought about it and sighed resignedly. “I don’t suppose the answer is, ‘find a nice vase and put it on display,’ is it?”

“Hardly,” Libra said, offering her a hoof. Tealove sighed again for emphasis and took it, wincing at the soreness in her flanks and the quaking of her legs. “Eating that flower au natural can turn a pony’s mind blank, but with the right technique, those rosy petals can drive ponies berserk!”

“That’s barbaric!” Tealove cried.

“Indeed. With enough flowers at their disposal, the ponies we think are behind this plot could give rise to an army!”

The pegasus turned away and took wing, presumably to scout their location.

Snowcatcher sidled up to Tealove, bumping their flanks together conspiratorily.

“You were talking about them wasting the tea leaves, weren’t you?”

Tealove blushed and turned away. “Well, the thing about an army abusing innocent flowers does sound pretty bad, too.”

The subject was immediately changed by the sounds of panting and groaning behind them as the so-called “Colt Skylark” came behind them, having taken much longer thanks to his stubby appendages. The short, plump stallion waddled over, sweat dripping off his brow and drool seeping from the corner of his mouth. The two earth pony mares just stared at his advance and tried to resist the overwhelming urge to back away from the display.

“So, uh… what’re yoose twos ladies gabbin’ abouts?” he asked once he’d managed to get his tongue to stop lolling from one side of his mouth. “And wheres dids the pegasus dame gets off to?”

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Libra sighed as she landed nearby. She undressed the squat stallion with an appraising eye, and whispered to the other mares, “Is he with you?”

“He just came out of nowhere back there with Big Jim,” Tealove said.

“He used to be much bigger,” Snowcatcher added. “We haven’t been able to make out thing one about him.”

“Do you think we can trust him with our backs?”

“Not a chance,” both mares spouted in unison.

***

Tealove, Snowcatcher and Colt Skylark trotted along while Libra flew overhead, keeping a lookout. Tealove panted from exhaustion. “Must we go much further today?” she asked.

“Just another mile or two, Tealove!” Libra replied. Tealove groaned.

“Where are you three fine ladies goin' anyways?”, Skylark asked.

Snowcatcher sighed, debating whether to acknowledge his presence or risk having him talk more. After pondering it a moment, she said “Not important. Just keep walking and try not to fall behind.”

Skylark smirked. “Don't you worry, toots. I'll stay right behind ya.” Snowcatcher shivered.

The four ponies soon came across a forest. Libra landed beside Tealove. “Alright, now you guys stay close. This place isn't as bad as the Everfee, but you still gotta keep your guard up. Got it?”

Tealove nodded. “Understood.”

The group walked through the woods, with Tealove and Colt Skylark getting covered in cuts and bruises in the process. Tealove winced as she pulled her leg free from some blackberries. “My goodness... These plants may make wonderful tea, but they're just a bother otherwise.”

“And remind me again why we can't just turn the flower into tea?” Tealove asked. “Because I can't see why all this travel is necessary just to get rid of it.”

Libra rolled her eyes. “This flower can wipe memories and turn ponies berserk if it's prepared wrong. I don't think anyone's tried to turn it into tea before and we have no idea what it would do if we did. We have to get rid of it, and we have to make sure no one else finds us and takes it.”

“And why must we do it out here in the forest?”

“If you were able to find one bush, there must be more of them somewhere. And as far as I know, this forest is where it must have come from. So we're out here so we can find the rest.”

“So what, are we gonna burn all the bushes?” Snowcatcher asked.

Libra shrugged. “That's probably a good idea. We have to dig up the roots and dispose of them too, though.”

Snowcatcher and Tealove groaned in unison.

An hour later, the ponies entered a clearing with a small bush growing in the middle. Libra fluttered over to it and plucked some of the leaves. She examined them for a moment, then nodded. “Just as I thought. The leaves on this bush match the ones on your flower, Tealove.”

“Alright then. So, now that we've found it, what's next?”

“One of us has to gather some firewood. Skylark?”

Silence.

“Skylark, I'm asking you a-” Libra turned around and screamed. The others turned around and saw why- Colt Skylark was on the ground unconscious, and standing over him was a gray coated unicorn wearing a black cloak.

“We've been followed!”

“Get him!”

Libra flew at the unicorn, wielding her duck-covered bat. The unicorn cast a force field spell, blocking her attack and sending the bat flying through the air. It hit Snowcatcher in the head with a resounding squeak. She wobbled for a moment, then collapsed.

Libra launched herself at the unicorn again. This time he responded with an energy blast, knocking her into a tree. The unicorn laughed and prepared another spell. Tealove looked back and forth between Libra, Snowcatcher and the unicorn assailant. She guessed what he would do next and braced herself for impact. Then the unicorn aimed its horn at Libra.

Tealove glanced at the duck-covered bat. She dove for it, grabbed it with both forehooves and swung it at the unicorn with all her might. She hit him in the head, screwing up his aim. His spell shot into the forest, breaking a branch.

Libra groaned and picked herself up, then attacked the unicorn with a flying kick. She and Tealove wailed on him for a minute. “Alright, alright! I give up!” he shouted.

Libra stood over the unicorn, glaring and tapping her bat against her hoof. “Okay, whoever you are. I've got a few questions for you, and you'd better have answers. First question: who are you?”

“Not telling.”

Libra whacked the unicorn with her bat. He yelped in pain.

“Start talking.”

“Not... telling.”

Libra sighed. “Do we really have to do this?”

The unicorn turned away.

“Okay then. Tealove, get a fire going.”

“Are we going to make tea?” she asked.

“Nope. Barbeque.”

The unicorn went wide-eyed. “O-okay, I'll tell!”

Tealove shrugged. “Well, I'm going to start a fire for tea anyway. A nice cup will be quite relaxing after all we've done today.”

The colors of the forest turned redder as the sun began to set. Four ponies sat in a group around a campfire, with the smell of tea highlighting the air. Time passed, and they finished their tea, before speaking among themselves.

“So, what are we going to do about...... him?” Tealove nervously asked, looking behind her. Grunting noises could be heard, coming from a grey pony, tied to a tree. Again, he tried to escape his ropes, straining against them. “We should probably get rid of him, somehow. If we let him go, he'll probably try to attack us again. If we try to bring him with us, our journey will end up taking longer.” Stated Libra, looking at the mysterious pony distrustfully. “He still hasn't even told us his name, or why he's here. He hasn't even spoken since we captured him...... Well, what do you guys think?” she said, looking at the rest of the group. “I vote we should just abandon him here, in the forest. My head is STILL hurting from when he hit me over the head, and knocked me out” Colt Skylark groaned out, holding his head, upon which a bruise could be visibly seen. “That sounds like a reasonable idea.” Snowcatcher said, in a quiet voice. “This forest is starting to scare me. The sooner we leave here, the better.” she remarked, looking around. The forest was becoming increasingly darker as the ponies spoke; the main source of light becoming the campfire that they had used to heat their tea, which was starting to die. “But.... wouldn't that be leaving him to die?” Tealove spoke, looking worried. “I know he attacked us, but I still wouldn't want him to be harmed in this forest.” “You shouldn't be worrying about him, Tealove.” Libra said, looking at her with a slight smile. Then she became serious. “When he gets enough energy to cast a spell again, you can be sure that he will break those ropes himself. Mr. Mysterious Villain over there will then probably try to run, because he knows he doesn't have the element of surprise this time.” the mare stated, looking at the grey pony with a glare. “He should feel lucky enough that the people he attacked were civilized enough to let him live!” she shouted at him. ”Anyways, we should probably get back on topic here. Tealove, do you have the leaf still? Hopefully, it didn't get lost in the battle.” “Yes, here it is.” Tealove stated, reaching into her bag, and taking out the oddly shaped leaf. “Do you think any of those bushes are nearby? You said that we had to get rid of them soon.” At this point in the conversation, the grey unicorn stopped trying to escape his ropes. Perking his ears, he proceeded to quietly listen to the conversation. “Well, that's the thing. We don't know how much of this bush there is in the forest. It could take us weeks, or months, to get rid of all of it.” Libra said, looking tired. “Month's? I really didn't know what I was getting myself into when I found this leaf.” Tealove said, sighing.

At this point in the conversation, the captive unicorn started to look alarmed. Concentrating, he started to cast a spell with the remainder of his energy. A light started to form around his horn, getting slwoly brighter. With a burst of energy, it shot upwards, and shone a bright red as it glowed above them, lighting up the night.

Libra looked up, at the light illuminating them in the sky. She angrily turned towards their captive, stomping up to him. “What was that, that you just did? Talk, or I might have to hit you with my duck bat again.” The grey unicorn looked up at her, smiling grimly. “I just launched a flare. Any minute now, my organization will be here. You will definitely be sorry that you knocked me out, indeed.” At this point, he stopped talking, but the smile on his face remained.

Chapter XIII

Tealove looked up at the sigil that lit up the night sky. The enormous glowing image stood out sharply due to its iridescent hue and its unusual shape, though it was hard to tell what shape that was, exactly.

"That is a really freaky symbol," noted Skylark. "What kind of organization are you in?"

The grey unicorn merely smirked, an amused twinkle in his golden eyes.

"Could you at least tell us your name?" pleaded Tealove.

"My name is of no importance," muttered the unicorn, then looked up at Tealove, his eyes brightening, as if he were telling a cruel joke at her expense. "What about you? Do you remember your true name?"

"We should just stop wasting our time on him," interrupted Libra. "We need to get out of here before whoever he signaled arrives."

As if on cue, a mysterious figure in a long black coat stepped out of the shadows, a hood raised over its head to conceal its face. Snowcatcher let out a small squeal of terror as it continued to advance toward them.

"Well well well, if it isn't the great Tealove and her posse of clowns," the figure said in an oddly familiar feminine voice, giggling as if she highly enjoyed the idea of a clown posse.

"Eugh, no," muttered Libra. "Capricorn is the clowny one."

"So," said the figure, gesturing to the important object still in Tealove's hoof. "I see you've found one of the Epic Tea Leaves."

Tealove quickly put the glowing leaf back into her saddlepack before turning to face the figure, her eyebrows raised in confusion. "You mean, there's more?" she wondered.

The figure nodded. "Of course!" she exclaimed. "Three, to be exact. One of them is currently in our possession, but you need not worry about that!" The figure giggled again, a high-pitched laugh that Tealove could've sworn she'd heard before.

Libra narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Who are you," she demanded, "and what do you want with us?"

"We only want what's best for the Organization!" explained the figure. "Just hand over the Tea Leaf, and nobody needs to get hurt."

"Not a chance," said Libra. "We would never help any of you with your nefarious schemes!"

The figure giggled some more, before lifting a dark, pink hoof to point behind Tealove and her comrades. "Oh, but you already have!"

At that moment, several things happened at once. Tealove and her friends turned around to see what the mysterious figure was talking about. Several more mysterious figures wearing identical coats stepped out of the shadows to observe. And, from the depths of the Everfree Forest, a series of horrifying creatures rose out of the ground to intrude on the conversation.

"It's those bushes, like the ones we fought before!" exclaimed Snowcatcher.

"The bushes?" wondered Tealove. "Are they part of your plan?"

The figure merely smiled, and the unicorn next to her smiled as well.

"Well, I guess we don't have much choice but to get rid of them," said Skylark, readying his wings for battle, "whether they're involved with these guys or not."

"Maybe we should think this through, though," suggested Snowcatcher as her horn began to glow.

Libra shook her head. "These bushes have disrupted the natural order of the forest. We need to balance things out, no matter what," she said as the Duckbat appeared, clenched between her teeth.

Tealove looked back at the mysterious figures, who were already untying their grey colleague from the tree.

"You've put the Organization into quite a cupcake, Tealove," said the figure who had first appeared, "but not for long."

With that, the mysterious figures faded into the shadows. But as her friends began fighting with the monstrous bushes, Tealove couldn't help thinking she recognized that pony.

However, Tealove soon realized that the sounds of fighting around her weren't coming from her friends. As she turned around, she saw that a new pony had appeared and was now destroying the bushes.

His coat was a bright red, and his luscious golden mane flowed through the air as he battled the creatures. The large apple adorned on his plot matched the color of his beautiful green eyes. He was the most amazing thing Tealove had ever seen.

"Guys," she whispered, as they watched the stallion battle the ferocious creatures, "I think I'm in love."

"Eeeew, gross!" whispered Skylark.

"Well," responded Libra. "I'm sure Virgo would love to hear that. However, it's of no real concern to us, so why bring it up?"

"Just... felt you should know," said Tealove.

Snowcatcher merely smiled.

"I reckon' these things 'r' even more annoyin' than those dang aliens that invaded the farm," the red stallion muttered as he bucked the last bush into submission, and the monster exploded in a flurry of tea leaves. Then, he realized he was being watched.

"Er, right, uhm," he muttered before facing Tealove and clearing his throat. "Are you Miss Teatherine Elizabeth Love?"

"Yes..." said Tealove, wondering how this mysterious yet strangely seductive stallion knew her middle name, which she had never revealed to anyone.

"In that there case," he said, "Come with me if ya want to live."

Chapter XIV

[It said XIII on the last one, but wasn't it the 11th? Eh.]

Tealove’s heart pounded as the dashing stranger led her and the others on a winding path through the Everfree. She wasn’t sure if her face was flushing from the run or from watching the newcomer’s plot muscles flexing and rippling. Not the worst sight in the world, she thought quietly, a smile forming on her lips.

“This way!” yelled the gorgeous galloping golden-maned god as he skidded down a hill and into the underbrush.

“Well, he’s certainly showing us around.” puffed Libra, sweating heavily from the exertion.

Snowcatcher drew up beside her. “Well, it’s better than what’s back there. There were a lot more bushes than I thought there would be.”

“I could have licked a few of ‘em” said Skylark as he whizzed by overhead.

“So you’re into licking bush?” said Libra with a sardonic smirk.

“Hilarious.” Skylark deadpanned.

“Well, how can we be sure... this guy isn’t leading us into another trap? He did kind of come... outta nowhere.” said Libra between ragged breaths.

“He won’t.” Tealove replied.

Libra raised an eyebrow. “You know this how?”

“I can see the honesty in his eyes.” Tealove sighed dreamily.

“Oh brother.” muttered Libra as her eyes nearly rolled out of her head.

As Libra’s eyes continued its orbit inside her skull, the group left the trees behind them , emerging in a clearing near the foot of a sheer cliff. The red stallion stopped at the cliff face and glanced from side to side. Satisfied, he stuck his hoof into a crevice. With a crunch, a door opened in the rock wall.

“Come on”, said Mr. Dreamy, motioning the others to follow him inside. Before anyone could make a move, Libra pushed forward.

“Hold up!” She exclaimed. “I still don’t trust Mr. Mystery here. Let’s make sure this isn’t a set up.” Without further ado, she plunged into the dark opening.

The next thing anyone heard from her was “Oof! Ow! Whoaaa!” as she plunged down the unseen stairwell, rolling head over heels for what seemed like an eternity.

She finally hit bottom with a thud. Groaning, she looked up into a long, brightly-lit hallway. As she staggered to her feet, the rest of the group walked past.

“Mind the stairs.” Snowcatcher smirked.

“I’ll watch ‘em real good.” slurred Libra.

“Where are we going, good sir?” asked Tealove, who was still ogling their new friend’s masculine hindquarters.

“Call me Mac. I’m taking y’all to meet AJ.”

“And who may that be? asked Libra, who was recovering most of her sass.

“Oh I think you’ll know her. Most ponies do. She’ll know somethin’ about that leaf ya got there.” He paused by another door and punched in a code.

The door whooshed open, leading into a large room. Along one wall was a long table covered with lab equipment. The other walls were lined with barrels of apples, and in the middle was a pedestal.

At the table, an orange mare with a blonde mane and three apples on her rear leaned over a beaker filled with clear liquid. She dripped a tiny bit of amber concentrate into the beaker with a syringe. With a sudden bang, a small mushroom cloud plumed in the air and dissipated. The mare put the beaker to her mouth and took a sip.

“Now that’s some good cider. Who you got there, Big Mac?”

“Ooh, BIG Mac. Even better.” giggled Tealove.

“I found ‘em in the forest. They have a leaf.” said Mac, clearly embarrassed by Tealove’s attention.

“Well why didn’t ya say so?! Quick, give it here!” The mare gestured frantically.

“But-”

“Just do it!”

Tealove pulled the leaf from her pack. The orange mare grabbed it and pushed a switch on the pedestal. A glass tube shot up. Inside was a tea leaf suspended in mid-air. The mare opened the tube and dropped the new leaf inside. Immediately, sparks flew and a beam of hard light scorched the ceiling. The mare flipped the switch, and the glass tube disappeared into its housing.

“Whew.” said the mare. “Yup, that’s the real deal. Sorry about that. The name’s Applejack.”

Tealove’s eyes went wide. “Applejack of Sweet Apple Acres? Why, I get the apples for my apple tea from your farm.”

“That’s me. You’ve met my brother Big Mac, and-” The door whizzed open, and a little yellow filly trotted in. “That’s my sister Apple Bloom.”

“Hello hello. You say goodbye and I say hello.”

Blank stares all around.

Applejack said sheepishly: “Failed experiment. Her brain glitched and now she only talks in song lyrics. Not even sensible ones”

“I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” Apple Bloom said cheerfully.

“That ya do, AB, that ya do.” replied Applejack, rustling the filly’s red hair.

“Waaaait” said Libra. “You’re a farmer. What’s all this science stuff, and what does this have to do with the tea leaf?”

“Well, good Cider takes more than just old family recipes. I used to run mah experiments up in the barn, but after that unpleasantness with the aliens, I decided to move things underground. We just grew from here.”

“She blinded me with science!” Apple Bloom piped up.

“No I didn’t.” Applejack said, eyes rolling.

“Fine, fine”, interjected Libra harshly, “But what does that have to do with Tealove’s leaf?” Tealove, at this time, was nuzzling Big Mac’s coat in a lovey-dovey haze while he stood there awkwardly.

“Oh, that. I assume you’ve met… her?”

“What, the hooded pink mare with the squeaky voice? Yeah, we were totally gonna kick her plot when your guy showed up.” Skylark said, punching the air for good measure.

“No.” said Applejack solemnly. “You wouldn’t have put a dent in her.”

“But-”

“NO.” Applejack cut in. “I know her too well. You wouldn’t stand a chance against her in a fight. She plays by nopony’s rules.” She lifted her hair to show a ragged, P-shaped scar.

“And the leaf?” Snowcatcher asked.

“The Tea Leaves? I have no idea where they’re from, but as y’all just saw, I reckon they’re powerful enough to level Equestria. I had an inkling our mutual friend was up to no good a while ago. I tracked her little Organization to her hideout. I didn’t catch everythin’ they said, but I did cotton on that if anypony brews all three leaves and drinks the tea, they’ll be mightier than the princesses, Discord and Tirek combined.”

“You’ve got the touch. You’ve got the power.” said Apple Bloom with wide eyes.

“That don’t even make sense. Anyway, they already had two leaves, and were closin’ on the third. I figured they couldn’t do anything without all the leaves, so I tried to lift ‘em. As you can tell by the wound, it didn’t quite go to plan. But I got one, and I’ve been keepin’ it down here ever since. Granny Smith runs the farm up top.”

“OK. But what if Crazy Cult Lady finds out about this place?” said Skylark.

“My other friends have been runnin’ interference for me since I went underground. She still has to look respectable, so she can’t push too hard and give herself away. There’s no way she-”

A wailing klaxon cut her short.

“What in tarnation-”

“Hi there, silly.” piped in a familiar voice over an intercom. You know you can’t beat ME at hide and seek, Jackie. Hee hee. *snort* Anyway...” The voice flattened into a menacing monotone.

“Give me those leaves, friend.”

“Or what?” Applejack retorted weakly.

“Well, my friends are getting a little hungry.” An ominous rumble could be heard down the hall.
“It’s the killer bushes!” Libra shouted, peeking out the door. “Hundreds! We can’t take them all.”

Applejack sprung into action, slamming a switch on the pedestal. The glass tube shot up again and detached from its perch. She shoved it into Tealove’s saddlebag and ran to a nearby wall, pressing a button and opening another hidden door.

“Skedaddle, all of ya!”

“But what about you?” Tealove asked frantically.
“She can’t get her hooves on these leaves. This door leads somewhere safe, so just keep goin’ till you’re out the other side. We’ll give you a head start!”

Libra, Skylark and Snowcatcher ran in. Tealove lingered, looking longingly into Big Mac’s eyes.

“Goodbye… my love. Maybe we’ll meet again some day.”

Big Mac turned away, clearly preferring killer bushes to lovestruck ladies.

As the door shut behind her, Tealove stole one last glimpse at Big Mac’s lush behind. If we survive this, she thought, I will come back for you. But now, she had to run. Where would this path lead? Only one way to find out. Onwards!

The Apple Family, armed with makeshift weapons, stood alone. A heavy rustling could be heard outside the groaning lab doors. They gave way, and a dark wall of vegetation advanced with frightening speed. “Have at them, my pretties!” came the voice again.

“It’s the end of the word as we know it.” muttered Apple Bloom as the bushes drew ever closer.

“And I feel fine.”

Tealove smiled slightly as her eyes followed Big Mac’s dreamy body through the door.

“Hahahaha,” the cultist laughed. “Have you come to meet your flowery doom!?”

“Nope,” replied Big Mac as he kicked one of the animated bushes into splinters.

“My hero,” sighed Tealove.

“Hey, Lovermare,” Snowcatcher called from the window as Skylark and Libra flew through the door after Big Mac. “Don’t just stand there! Help!” She telekinetically opened the window and blasted one of the bushes, setting it on fire.

Tealove blinked. “Right!” She filled the teapot and began boiling it.

“What are you doing!?” asked Snowcatcher.

“This is the only way I know how to help!”

“I don’t know why y’all’re worried,” said Applejack as she continued tinkering with her contraptions. “My brother can take out some bushes.”

“If this tea leaf can really give somepony more power than the princesses, Discord and Tirek combined,” began Snowcatcher, “Why hasn’t anypony already used them?”

Apple Bloom opened her mouth.

“I’m not asking you!’ said Snowcatcher as she pointed her hoof at her. “If you can only speak in lyrics, an explanation from you would just be annoying!”

“There’s an order dedicated tah making sure nopony picks ‘em,” replied Applejack. “I don’ know what happened tah ‘em if the cultist was able tah try git ‘em and y’all were able tah bring ‘em here.”

“You’re just delaying the inevitable!” yelled the cultist. “The epic tea leaf will be mine! Rise, my beauties! Destroy them!”

A patch of sunflowers enlarged to triple their original size and uprooted themselves before charging towards Big Mac. They hurled leaves at him which cut into his flesh.

“Nooo!” cried Tealove as she grabbed her teapot.

She galloped out the door and swung the teapot, splashing the nearest sunflowers with boiling water.

“Yaaaaaaaaargh!” they screamed as the shrivelled up and died.

“Yahahaha! You won’t defeat my green army that easily!” the cultist cackled. Her dark robe flapped as she slammed her hooves into the ground. The corn began aiming its ears at the ponies and firing kernels at them at high speed.

“How are we supposed to fight these things!?” Skylark called over to Libra.

“Try to dodge and then cut them down, I guess?” replied Libra.

“I’ll cover for you!” Snowcatcher called out from the house before she returned to firing beams.

The door swung open and Applejack marched out, a lit blowtorch between her teeth. “Git yer leaves off my brother!” she snarled before rushing towards the crop.

Tealove heaved Big Mac onto her back and galloped back towards the house, hindered by the awkwardness of carrying somepony bigger than oneself.

“What are you doing!?” Libra called as she dodged corn kernels.

“I’ve got teas that can heal him!” Tealove replied.

Applejack began torching her former crop, sending burnt popcorn flying.

“Hahahahaha!” laughed the cultist. “You think these beauties are the extent of my minions’ power!? You haven’t seen anything yet! I’ve just been delaying you while I prepare something much better! Behold!”

The ground shook and split as it bulged and tore itself apart. And enormous, rapidly growing tree pulled itself out of the ground with its branches while enormous pears rocked among its foliage. It stood up and lifted its roots before stomping them on the Apple family barn, crushing it.

“Cower! And dis’ pear!”

The cultist cackled madly, which made her irises and pupils shrink down to tiny dots within the whites of her bulging eyes. The seven ponies inside all lept or flew from the barn just in time to avoid the animated tree’s ‘foot’ as it stomped the structure. No sooner had they retreated outside, the seven ponies once again came under fire from the corn. As the fruit ‘n’ veg fighters retreated under a hail of corn kernels, the pear tree continued to stomp the Apple family barn to splinters like a sadistic child squashing a defenceless bug. However, if the cackling cultist hoped that the others would ‘cower and dis’ pear’, she was sorely mistaken.

‘‘Gat dang it to heck, ah have had enough of these mother hubbarding plants wrecking mah mother hubbarding farm’’, raged Applejack as she bit off the gloves on her front legs. ‘‘It’s time we take off our gloves!’’

‘‘I’m not wearing gloves.’’ said a bemused Snowcatcher after checking her legs just to be sure.

‘‘Don’t git smart with me Catcher!’’ AJ snarled back in return, left glove still clenched in her teeth. ‘‘That pear packing punk just gone pushed me over tha edge. I’ve had all I can stand and ah can’t stand no more. Fluttershy, summon tha fruit bats! Tell ‘em we gotta whole lotta nice fat juicy pears for them to chow down on.’’ The little yellow Pegasus peeped out from behind the overturned applecart she’d been hiding behind the whole time before fluttering over to the others, rubbing her forelegs together nervously.

‘‘Oh, well, they’ll like that, I guess.’’ she murmured, before taking in a big gulp of air to help broadcast her voice. ‘‘Fruitbats? Fruitbats? Come and get your dinner!’’

There was a deep low rumble off in the distance. Then they came, swarming out of the treetops from the woods all over Sweet Apple Acres. They formed a great, flapping, chittering rainbow that arched into the sky before swiftly descending upon the Pear Tree.

The tree, which was now rubbing what I guess you could call its but over the remains of the barn, didn’t detect the bats until it was too late. Startled, it stopped its act of humiliation upon the barn and tried in vain to wave the swarm away, but it was futile. The bats swarmed it, latching onto its hanging fruit and savagely devouring it. The tree began to silently mime the act of dying. It staggered around, clutching it’s ‘chest’, before suddenly arching back with it’s branches held over it’s trunk like a hamtastic actor throwing their forearm over their brow in a piece of melodramatic claptrap. The crazed cackling cultist caught on to what was happening.

‘‘What? No! NO!!! This cannot be! Stop that! Cease your munching you vermin! Go on, scat! Scat! Goddam bats, buzz off!’’ She was swiping at the bats despite the distance between them, the sleeves of her oversized robes flapping about beyond her legs.

When the last hanging pear was devoured, the tree collapsed flat onto the ground in a great crash, it’s legs of roots first flapping up into air before crashing down too. As the buffoonish dramatics of the trees demise came to an end, it’s remains lay still whilst the bats continued to devour the giant fruit.

‘‘YEE-HAA!’’ cheered Applejack as she threw her hat into the air.

‘‘Pear-fect!’’ said Snowcatcher, looking very pleased at her pun.

‘‘Pear-fect?’’ snarked Libra. ‘‘Princess prancing Celestia, way to kill the mood Snowcatcher. God, you’re as bad as that dweeb over there.’’ she sneered, indicating the yelping cultist who was now trying to fight off a stray bat going for her face. Snowcatcher now looked embarrassed.

‘‘Yay.’’ said Fluttershy, gently half waving her forelegs whilst behind her Big Mac and Tealove began to passionately make out.

‘‘Ewww...that’s too much.’’ said Applebloom, shaking her head at the smooching couple.

‘‘Fools!’’ snapped the cultist as she swiped away the bat flapping around her face. ‘‘You may have won the battle, but the war is not over!’’ She then pulled out a segway from within her billowing robes, and hopped on board it. ‘‘I will have the tea leaf one day, and Equestria shall be mine, ha hahahaha ah ha!’’ And with that, she sped off down the road.

‘‘Wow.’’ said Skylark. ‘‘Anypony think we’ve seen the last of her?’’

‘‘Nah, probably not’’ said Applejack.

Author's Note

The following ~~madmen~~ authors contributed to this collection of events:

Storyyeller

Rinsankajugin

Rainbow

Kyler Thatch

Corvus Atrox

Japanese Teeth

Meta Four

Wryte

Ike and Mike

Wereael

Brahian1

Edvedd

Sereg

Applelight Limited