Occupational Hazard

by Twifight Sparkill

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy, Random
Length: 1659

• Lyra applies for a job after years of living freely under the care of her best friend, and elects to apply for the toughest occupation in all of Ponyville - apprenticing at Bon Bon's House of Sweets.

• Lyra applies for a job after years of living freely under the care of her best friend, and elects to apply for the toughest occupation in all of Ponyville - apprenticing at Bon Bon's House of Sweets.

Edited by the incomparable Bad Horse, whose kindness and patience belies his penchant for devouring small children.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-02 14:10:04 UTC

Lyra Gets a Job Pt. 1

Occupational Hazard: Lyra Gets a Job Pt. 1 - by Twifight Sparkill

The brightest white of early morning drew menacingly across Bon Bon's face, subsequently forcing her restless subconscious to surrender. Peering at her alarm clock, she could vaguely make out that it was unmercifully early.

The earth pony mare had slept fitfully for having had a lengthy debate the night before with her beloved partner Lyra Heartstrings, and flashes of the heated discussion battered at her waking mind, much to her chagrin.

"... doesn't Celestia ever sleep in?" she muttered ruefully.

Bon Bon eyed the blinding intruder scornfully as it stabbed uninvited through her misaligned drapes - evidently they'd been drawn slipshod the evening previous by her remarkably incapable roommate, left with just enough of a gap to allow a beam of focused light into the bedchambers. Rousing her from an admittedly feeble attempt at slumber, she quietly cursed all existence under her breath.

Abandoning her futile hopes at five more merciful minutes of rest, the earth pony paused enough to place a kick at the dozing lump directly to her left.

"Get up, Lyra. You're supposed to be looking for work today... and I'm sorry for being so - YEEP!"

The physical effort threw Bon Bon through a series of loosely placed pillows, leaving her sprawled awkwardly atop the mattress in a swath of messy bedclothes.

The subject of her abuse was notably missing.

"... wonderful," she muttered, removing herself from the tousled knot of sheets and comforters. "Looks like Lyra is already up. Great. So glad our talk last night resonated with her."

Bon Bon marched from her room to the awaiting bathroom. She filled her previously drawn lukewarm bath with a few essences, then slipped into the soothing waters with a sigh. She was paying no mind of her missing housemate.

"Just don't think about it, Bonnie," she spoke in a soft mantra. "It isn't worth being angry about. Lyra is Lyra. There's no point in getting upset."

The mare sunk her face beneath the surface and blew bubbles in defiance of the nagging truth that refused to relent - Lyra was up early again, and she was not looking for work. She wasn't applying herself; she wasn't stopping her incessant research and preachings pertaining to a pointless fantasy she'd harboured since fillyhood, and she certainly wasn't in the kitchen awaiting to surprise her with a nice breakfast.

No, she was likely up at some ungodly hour working on her busying little projects as she was wont to - funny how those with no ambition can fill every waking moment with matters of seeming importance. As if driven by guilt to fill their daily plate with all manner of require, they're swamped with pointless efforts in a vain attempt at pretending to be productive, respectable citizens.

After a languid dip, consisting of shampoos and soaps and parfumes, the earth pony tied herself up in a bathrobe and entered the kitchen.

The room, as she'd assumed the entire house, was empty.

Sigh.

Bon Bon prepared herself a bit of toast and honey, along with a berry parfait and a quartered grapefruit, then broke fast.

She definitely wasn't bothered about Lyra.

"Good morning!"

The earth pony didn't have time to flinch, managing only to freeze mid-chew.

"Ah-herm," Lyra cleared her throat in a theatric fashion, smirking for the wide-eyed expression worn by her stauesque roommate. "I said good morning. I see you're eating breakfast; would you prefer I come back at a more convenient time?"

"I er... I... it's okay," Bon Bon finally managed, choking down the mouthful of food wadded in her cheek with some effort. "Good morning Lyra. I thought you'd be out doing... well, never mind. I'm surprised you're still here. What um... what can I do for you today?"

The mint-green unicorn was dressed in an unusual ensemble, consisting of a pin-striped fedora and a sharp black tie - she looked all the manner of a seedy salespony, the sort running illegal card games in the back alleys of Las Pegasus. She also faintly smelled of spicy cologne, though it wasn't as caustic as expected. It nearly made her smell pleasant.

"I'm applying for a job," Lyra recited, taking a seat at the dining table. "Namely, I'm applying for a job at your shoppe."

"You... wait, what?" Bon Bon sputtered.

"I'm applying for a job," Lyra repeated with the same enthusiastic candor, offering a napkin. "Namely, I'm applying for a job at your shoppe."

"... you're kidding, right?" Bon Bon asked, her voice quavering. She had to be kidding - this was obviously a joke! Lyra always delighted in poking fun at her expense, and she was doing it again. Obviously!

The unicorn smiled very wide.

Bon Bon's blood began to turn cold.

She isn't kidding. After all the commentary and apologies, accusations, subsequent retractions, and the endless excuses... this is her solution to the problem?

"... okay," the earth pony relented, clearing her throat. "This is actually happening, is it?"

Lyra continued to smile - it wasn't terribly lecherous, though maybe a little. It certainly wasn't attractive, that was for sure.

Lyra wanted to apply for a job, and she supposedly wanted one at Bon Bon's beloved sweets shoppe, despite knowing that there's no bucking way she'd ever get hired.

She knew she'd never get hired, right? She had no experience, no responsibility, no common sense...

"You're looking very pretty today," Lyra sang cheerily. "I must say, at this hour, it speaks volumes of your vaulted ethic."

Bon Bon touched at the collar of her worn robe absently.

"I would be remiss," Lyra continued, "if I didn't admit that my being here today to discuss the matter of potential employment wasn't due to your diligent ethic."

Bon Bon blinked a few times.

"I believe that it would be of great benefit to us both if I were to gain active employment alongside your remarkable tutelage; to learn the particulars of your trade and adopt your impossibly devoted drive," Lyra surmised. "You commit yourself daily to a strict regimental curriculum, leaving no niggling detail unaddressed - I am impressed, and I would like to adapt that obsessive quality. What say you, potential employer?"

"Uh..."

Bon Bon paused for thought. Big awkward words notwithstanding, Lyra actually sounded sincere about applying for a job. That was... unexpected.

Could it be that she'd finally gotten through? Had her heated words from the previous evening, mostly consisting of casting aspersions and doubts at her disinterested companion, actually persuaded Lyra to get off her hindquarters and finally contribute to society?

Before she could voice a proper reply, Lyra slammed a resume down beside her breakfast, nearly spilling Bon Bon's apple juice.

"Voila!"

At a glance, she could see it was written up in an attractive calligraphy. Taking it into hoof, she also noted that the majority of its content had nothing at all to do with work experience.

Obviously not, as she'd never known Lyra to ever have an actual job in all the time they'd been together. Why would she be surprised?

"I'm going to consider your resume on the condition that this isn't some sort of joke," Bon Bon stated in a soft husk, still taken aback by the entire episode. "Could I have your contact information, so I might get in touch with you regarding my summation... I guess?"

Lyra smirked - a patronising and slimy expresion she'd adopted some years ago in an attempt to seem flirtatious; the one that Bon Bon utterly despised - and waggled her eyebrows.

"Oh, you know where I'll be," she cooed with a jaunty wink. "Right where you need me to be. Know what I mean?"

Bon Bon blinked a few times.

"I don't... wait, what?"

With that, Lyra removed her hat and pressed a gentle, grateful kiss upon Bon Bon's forehoof.

"I will take my leave for now, good shopkeep!" Lyra announced. "Please consider me for a place within your business - I promise, as Celestia is my witness, if you hire me I'll be the most assertive and attentive employee you've ever had the good fortune to find! Thanks for your time! Good day to you! Goodbye! So long!"

Bon Bon attempted to offer a response, but before being able to manage a word in edgeways, the mint-green unicorn had slinked out into the dark hallway.

"Remember me..." Lyra hissed in a foreboding tone, wagging her hooves as if casting some sort of hackneyed charm spell. "Remember..."

Bon Bon remained still for a while, then eventually recalled that she had her own job to get to.

Okay, so for the first time in years it seemed Lyra was actually responsive to one of my 'serious talks', going so far as to write up a resume and - Celestia have mercy - apply for a job.

Fine, that was fine.

Admittedly, if the unicorn had enlisted anywhere else with her unusual eclectic demeanor, she'd likely be accosted and thrown out on her ass.

Maybe Lyra deserved a chance to show what she could accomplish when she applied herself? Perhaps there was another layer to her flighty personality that was worth testing in a proper work setting? Maybe...

"Am I seriously considering this!?" she gasped.

Bon Bon breathed a defeated sigh, spooned up her last bite of breakfast, then replaced her bathrobe in the washroom. She gathered up her saddlebags waiting in the foyer, placed the unicorn's resume inside, then made for the door.

Why am I considering this? she wondered absently.

"Remember me..." Bon Bon heard coming from a hedge outside her domicile as she passed. She figured it best that she pay the familiar voice no particular mind, and pushed through the front gate.

"... I wish I could have a normal life," she muttered, trudging down the path towards town. "I've heard it's quite pleasant."

To be continued.