Chapters Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff
The screen flickers briefly and suddenly a pink pony with a curly pink mane and tail is beaming at the screen.
"In trouble but can't afford a lawyer who's actually passed the bar or even has the ability to process oxygen? Then Pinkie Pie has the solution for you.” Pinkie points out towards the screen. “Just come down to ‘Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff ’ where we have dozens of objects ready to represent your every law stuff need!
“Founded when yours truly discovered there are serious and potentially deadly consequences to impersonating an operating room nurse for over fifteen weeks, Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff has been providing bargain law-whatever-representation for ponies who absolutely should not represent themselves under any circumstances!
“Why, our firm is full of qualified-looking objects that stand upright when set on a bench quite easily! Who knows! Maybe during your next brush with the law you can be represented by Mr. Cement,”— Pinkie motions to a bag of cement in a bowler hat— “, Mrs. Salad Tongs” – Pinkie motions to a pair of salad tongs in fashionable pair of high heels— “And even… erm … uh …” Pinkie trails off as she stared at yet another smartly dressed object. “Uh … An eggbeater in a hilariously small, but adorable suit! I don’t have a name for that one yet…”
The camera pans out, revealing a large assortment of smartly dressed objects.
"Our defenders will never crack under pressure!"
A rock with a quill taped to it cracks behind Pinkie.
"Except Crackle over there. He does it for fun!
“But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these testimonials from real, live clients who have benefited from our lawyering... thingy. ”
Pinkie gallops up towards the screen and suddenly the camera shifts to a light-blue unicorn wearing a purple wizard hat with a star and moon motif and a matching cape.
"The Grrrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie a lot smoother.”
The camera again shifts, this time to a walleyed, grey pegasus mare with yellow eyes smiling happily at the camera as she sits on her haunches next to a lamp. “Believe it or not, unexpected and accidental damage can happen anywhere at any time. Who knows! You just might happen to be by some of it!” The pegasus flings her arms out and hits the lamp, causing it to fall over and break against a set of yellow drapes. “When that happens, you’ll want good representation, or at least representation of good representation!” Her eyelids lowered slightly and she gave the camera a slightly sad look. “If you try to represent yourself, you won’t know what went wrong!”
‘FWOSH!’
The drapes behind the pegasus suddenly caught flame and Pinkie rushed over, fire extinguisher in mouth.
The scene flashes static briefly and then flickers back on to a scene of a pink earth pony mare with cutie mark that depicted a strawberry and some grapes sitting next to a briefcase and numerous bottles of wine in various states of being imbibed.
“They had a bottle of wine with a briefcase that was full of more wine…” The pink mare says. “And now I can at least go to court without being found in contempt of court every time…” The pink mare raises a bottle of red wine up to her lips and takes a swig. “Also court is now a lot more fun to go to!”
The scene shifts once more to a gray earth pony with a straight purple-colored mane and tail wearing a steel blue-colored dress.
In a monotone voice she announced, “I hired a garbage can full of rocks in a pair of loafers… I didn’t even have a reason to go to court.”
The scene shifts to Pinkie’s smiling face which occupies the entire shot. “Wow! Listen to all those satisfied customers! I mean… In the past… You would have already listened to them if you were paying attention… Hehe … Anyhow, here’s a real live magistrate herself to explain why it’s perfectly legal to be represented by a box of apples with a suit drawn on it!”
Pinkie gallops up past the screen and the camera suddenly pans over to a lime green earth pony with swirling orange mane and tail both in a bun. Her cutie mark depicts a gavel. She seems to regard the camera with sad, lavender eyes as she begins to speak.
“I tried to pass a law making it illegal for ponies to be represented by things that had no way of communicating, but a baby alligator in a tie that was bigger than it convinced the city council to allow this mockery of justice. So… whatever I guess… I don’t even care anymore…”
The pink pony with the strawberry and grape cutie mark suddenly leans into the shot holding a half-drunk bottle of red wine. “Would you like a hit?” she asks the lime green mare. “It takes the edge off.”
The lime green mare sighs and reaches for the bottle. “Yeah, sure…”
A call rings out from outside the shot. “THE GWWWWRRREEEAT AND POWERFFFUUUL TWIXIE HIC… FUNERAL PARWER TONIGHT! JUST TRY AND STOP HERrrrrrr…ME! ”
The lime green pony utters a long, gravely sounding moan as if her soul is slowly leaking from her body via her mouth. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg… ” She takes a big swig from the bottle in her hand.
The camera rapidly pans across the room and suddenly Pinkie’s smiling face is occupying the entire shot. “And there you have it!” Pinkie says cheerfully. "Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff! It's literally better than nothing."
View Online
Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives
The screen flicks slightly as it change to a scene of an irate gray earth pony with a short black mane. The pony sits on his haunches outside and stares at the camera. He gets up and starts walking, revealing a cutie mark that depicted three sticks of lit dynamite in a bundle.
“Alright Ponyville, you don’t like me and I despise you, so let’s dispense with the pleasantries and get down to business. Is there a do-it-yourself-project you need to get on? Somepony else’s do-it-yourself-project you want to ruin? Need to build a fence? Allergic to something in your neighbor’s garden? Against the idea of saddles on general principal?” The pony walked in front of a plain wooden building with a large sign that read ‘Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives’ with the pony’s cutie mark at the end of the sign. He continued, “Well here at Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives I have a number of tools that can be utilized to solve your problems… and explosives… Mostly explosives.”
With another flicker, Dandy is suddenly indoors sitting in front of wooden shelves full of tools and an assortment of other item with fuses. He levels a forehoof at the camera.
“Let’s face it. There comes a time, or several hundred times, in one’s life when a pony needs to take matters into their own hooves and solve their problem through liberal use of hammers and dynamite. And we have both those things. Also wood, nails, and anything else you may need to do your own home repairs… Or build a siege weapon to rain pain and death on any that might stand in your way!” The camera pans with the pony as he trots in front of a catapult. “Also… I sell catapults… So you can just buy one if you don’t feel like building it yourself…”
The screen flicks once more and Dandy is once again outside. This time in front of a red wall, he holds up what appears to be a fuse and lights it with a golden lighter. He lets go of the fuse as it hissed, the flaming end quickly consuming the fuse and heading towards the wall behind him.
“Why solve your problems through unreliable talk and reasoning when trusty explosives will make them go away in a puff of smoke…? And also fiery, loud explosion that leaves a crater with a server dozen foot diameter.”
The camera pans out revealing the wall belonged to the Ponyville schoolhouse, and the fuse runs up to a pile of explosives heaped below the schoolhouse’s bell.
Dandy turns and shakes his hoof at the bell. “Try waking me up at 8 a.m. NOW!”
‘KABOOOM!’
There was a large explosion as the top of the schoolhouse was torn apart in the blast. The large bell flew up into the sky.
“Huh…” Spike says as he stared at the T.V. “So that’s what happened to the old school bell…”
Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium
The TV issues its usual sound of static, its grey screen flickering to life. Suddenly, the screen changes as a cyan pony with a rather suave black mane and wearing a wealthy-looking business suit strides out in front of a gated condominium complex.
“Hello! Were you recently kicked out of your apartment for breaking your roommate’s precious china for the tenth time this week? Have you burned your house down in a tragic baking accident trying to make the world’s spiciest crescent rolls? Or are you just down on your luck after another failed attempt at selling folk on your latest drink made of potato juice and whatever that was you found in the gutter outside the Greasy Gallon Bar?”
Some smooth, calming music begins to play in the background as the pony gestures to the complex behind him.
“WELL, dear fellow, look no further! I’m Gentle Colt, and here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we’ll take you in no matter how much life’s taken a dump on you! We’ll even take you in if you’ve literally been dumped on, crap and all! We’ll be wearing hazmat suits, though. Necessary precautions.”
The screen changes to the inside of the complex, showing a large pool and a smaller rounded pool surrounded by apartments that tower up above. The camera pans over Gentle Colt lounging on a beach chair as he points out at the pool.
“Here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we pride ourselves on a clean, peaceful environment, where your children (if applicable) can thrive in a warm, welcoming homely setting. Our pool is always clean and ‘p’-free! There’s nothing but ‘H’ in this pool during summer, if you know what I mean…”
Suddenly, the music cuts off as some mumbling can be heard from behind the camera, and Gentle Colt seems to be answering the mumbler.
“...Horses. I mean horses. That’s the ‘H’.” Then the business pony becomes quite agitated. Furious, even. “No, ‘p’ doesn’t mean ‘pony’...YES, it means that and--I’M TELLING YOU, THERE’S NO ‘P’--”
The camera cuts to the inside of one of the apartments in the condominium. The beds are neatly made, brightened by sunlight streaming through the white linen curtains. Gentle Colt is sitting on one of the beds, looking slightly winded as his dark mane appears to fray a bit on some of the hairs.
“O-Our rooms are the finest in quality. You won’t find a better place to rest your weary head after a hard day’s work.” He then lays back on the bed, seemingly enjoying the comforts of it when a spring shoots out from the mattress, penetrating the sheets and pillow, jutting out within inches of his face. Unsurprisingly, he leaps off the bed.
“What the buck?!” He screams before pointing at the camera...no, not directly at the camera. “Monty, you promised me these mattresses weren’t going to do that again! ...YES, I am docking your pay for this, you buffoon! I mean, seriously, who’s going to sleep on these now?! The sheets are ruined, it pierced the pillow AND we have to throw out the mattress, which’ll cost a small fortune and …wait, what do you mean ‘the camera is still rolling?’ WELL TURN IT OFF, YOU BUCKING MORO--”
The scene moves again to a small dining area with a few buffet trays in the back as some of the tenants are serving themselves. Smiles aren't on their faces, but Gentle wears one proudly, despite looking even more of a mess in his mane.
"We...we even have our own complimentary dining area, where a hearty breakfast is served in the morning and light snacks all throughout the evening! Just look at our wonderful tenants enjoying the food, silently eating as they savor the pleasantries of a home-cooked meal."
"Hey! You stole my hay weenies!"
"You stole them first, liar!"
Gentle turns his head back, noticing two ponies that are in an argument.
"Why did you even steal from me? The weenie tray is right in front of you!"
"I stole my weenies back from you because you saw me take them from the sweet spot on the tray! That's why you stole mine!"
"No, my weenies were in that sweet spot in the tray, but you took them first! I even marked it with my name on a cute toothpick flag!"
The other pony began munching on a weenie, holding onto a toothpick with a small bit of ripped paper on it. "What flag?"
"THAT'S IT!" Without warning, the two ponies grapple each other and break out into a wrestling match right there and now.
“Hey hey, no fighting in the dining area!” Gentle rushes over to the scuffle and tries to pull them apart, but one of the ponies grabs his tie. “Knock it of--AUUGH!” Without warning, he’s yanked into the fight, and the camera is set down on the table as Monty tries to free Gentle from the rapidly escalating scuffle, only to fall victim to the same fate as Gentle.
“DOUBLE RENT, DOUBLE R--OW! TRIPLE RENT! TRIPLE REEE--”
Finally, the scene cuts to a bit of static before showing the front desk of the condominium. Gentle Colt’s suit is in tatters, and his mane is so frazzled it looks like it’s about to fall right off. He’s also rather winded, taking deep breaths as he speaks.
“So…so...come on down...to Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium. We’ll keep...you cozy...no matter the cost.”
A pony off-camera then asks, “Gentle, where’s the ice machine? I know you’ve told me where it is about thirty times now, but I forgot again. I even forgot where I put the note you left on my door telling me where the ice machine is specifically so this doesn’t happen again, but--”
Gentle Colt turns with a crazy look in his eye as the corner of his lips twitches a bit. “Oh, it’s fine. It’s down that hall over there.”
“Where?”
“...the one you just came from.”
“So is that the one I’m looking at past you now, or--”
Gentle Colt screams and reaches for his mane. With a light tug, he pulls off his toupee and flings it offscreen. “THAT HALLWAY BEHIND YOU!”
“OH! You mean where you threw your--”
“YES! GO, BY CELESTIA’S MANE!”
“Okay then! Thanks, Gentle!”
Gentle Colt sighed. “You...you’re welcome…”
Spike flips through the channels, not really expecting to find anything interesting. He is right, as always. Nothing but static permeates the tens of channels that the dragon flips through with the remote, a can of root beer on the couchside table. The reptile briefly entertains the thought of taking a quick walk over to Rarity’s to see if she needs his help, but remembers that the fashion designer is away in Manehattan collaborating with Coco Pommel on a design for Sapphire Shores. Spike frowns and gives the television a half-lidded glare, as if that would actually magically make programs start appearing. Well , he thinks, there’s only one channel to check, and usually it kind of deters ponies from actually going to those places. I’ll see what poor schmuck decided to give it a try this time.
He presses the buttons to take him to Channel 130, and then…
**********
“Are you tired of mundane activities like playing ball and riding scooters? Footage shows three little fillies, one a yellow Earth Pony with a large pink bow in her red mane, one a white Unicorn with lilac and pink mane and tail, and the last an orange Pegasus with a magenta mane and tail, bouncing a ball on their heads. Then it shows one of the three fillies, the orange Pegasus, riding her scooter while buzzing her wings like a bumblebee. Do you long to save kingdoms, but can’t get out of your home? Do you want the excitement of taking on an army of aliens, or racing fellow heroes? ”
The footage is swapped out for a shot of an ice blue Earth Pony stallion with a lemon yellow mane and tail. His cutie mark is three horizontal lines which begin thick toward his barrel and fade to nothing near his tail. He wears a white collar with a blue bowtie and rimless glasses.
“Well, to all you ponies at home wondering what I could be talking about, I am Speed Run, and I can hook you up with the latest sensation in Equestrian entertainment, video games! Right in your own home! Here at Speed Run’s Game Shop!”
“If you love going to the arcade, but don’t feel like paying to play a game just for a few minutes at a time, and then having to pay again, this is the perfect opportunity for you to realize your dreams of digital glory!” Speed Run walks around his shop, presenting both consoles and handheld systems. “With this, the Fargame Family Entertainment System, you and your parents can enjoy the rush of racing together in Plumber Crack Racing, or the whole family can watch one player’s quest to defeat Lord Kappa in the Plumber Crack games themselves and save Mistress Cherry Pie, and so much more!”
Motioning to a smaller device, Speed run says, “Or, take your adventure everywhere with the JoyBoy portable game system! Catch all of the Crittermons, help Seras defeat the space dragon Raptor in Asterid, and even challenge yourself to a game of Quadruplex and aim for the high score! There’s no shortage of games to play here at Speed Run’s game Shop!”
**********
Spike thinks that this might be one of the better commercials and is genuinely entertained by these video games. Maybe he could even get Twilight to play one if he is good enough at convincing her. But as fate would have it, nothing on this channel ever goes 100% to plan.
**********
“But that’s not all! We also have board and tabletop games for foals and adults! Family games like Sweet Land, Slides and Ladders, and Greedy Greedy Griffons! The adventure epic of Caverns and Centaurs, where no two games are the same! We even have supplies such as books and dice for all your gaming needs! So come on down to—”
Dingadingading!
The front door to Speed Run’s Game Shop opens, and two Earth Ponies enter. One is a brown colt with an orange mane and a propeller beanie, and the other, his mother, is tan and has a mousy brown mane and tail, the mane tied in a side plait with a red ribbon. She has beige saddlebags on her back. Her blue eyes seem to sparkle with pride.
“Hello,” says the mother, “I’m here to look at your JoyBoy games. My Button Mash got a 100 on his test and I thought I’d reward his hard work.”
“Oh, yes, congratulations, my boy. I’m sorry, but could you wait a few minutes, Miss…?”
“Love Tap.”
Yes, Miss Love Tap. You see, I’m busy filming a commercial for Ponyville Public Access. And it’s live, so I must get back to filming.”
“Oh, well, I’ll let you get back to it then—”
“MOM!!! I FOUND IT!” Button Mash yells. Love Tap rushes over to her beloved son’s side and asks, “Which one, sweetie?”
“Crittermon: Red Edition! I’ve seen reviews and it’s supposed to be really good! I’ve been wanting to try it out, but I thought how could I wait for my birthday!? So I studied really hard for this test and I’m so glad it paid off because now I can discover every last Crittermon on the Lando Continent!”
“Okay, Button. Sir! I’m ready to make my purchase!” Love Tap says sweetly.
“Ma’am, I am in the middle of filming. Can’t you son wait just a couple more minutes?” says Speed Run.
“Tell you what?” says Love Tap, “You let me buy Crittermon: Red Edition, and I’ll spread the word on your shop, which should hypothetically drive business up, as well as having a happy customer on live TV! That shouldn’t hurt sales in any way.”
“Well,” says Speed Run nervously, “it certainly couldn’t hurt for publicity purposes.” Speed Run rings up Love Tap’s purchase and she pays the 25 bits for the Crittermon game.
“There you are, Miss Love Tap.” Speed Run gives the bag to the mother as Button Mash’s face is aglow with joy. “You see how happy this young colt is to play his new game? That could be you and your family!”
“Thank you, Speed Run,” says Love Tap. “Come along, Button. You can play Crittermon when you get home.”
“Okay, Mom!” says Button, as he pulls the box containing the game out to read the text on the back. The mother and son exit the shop.
“So stop on by Speed Run’s Game Shop. We have a large selection of games for family or a single player, video games or tabletop games! There’s sure to be a game you will love at—”
“AHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
A shrill cry pierces the air of the street and Speed Run has to cover his ears to prevent hearing loss. As he recovers…
BANG!!!
Dingadingading….
Love Tap appears in the entrance to the shop, a look of distilled anger on her face. Poor Button is sniffling with his head hanging low. The bag containing the Crittermon game is in Love Tap’s mouth.
“Yes? Is there something I can help you with?” asks Speed Run nervously.
Love Tap marches up to the counter and places the game on it, face-down, dropping her saddlebags as well.
“What the hay is this!?!” she says harshly.
“Um, what?” Speed Run says dumbly.
“‘You can’t find all 200 Crittermon on your own, so trade with other players to collect them all!’ What kind of minotaur crap is this!?!”
“Ma’am, I don’t make the games, I just—”
“This is some plot to sell two games for the price of one, isn’t it? The Red Edition and the Green Edition are the same game, right!?!”
“Well, yes, but with a few—”
“Then why the hell are you selling them as two different games when they’re clearly the same thing!?! Why can’t you make a single game that you can get all 200 in!?! Maybe only trade for some really hard-to find Crittermon or something! But noooooooo!! You have to make two games that have exclusive Crittermon just to make more damn money!! Well I’m not having it!! I want the Green Edition, a blue JoyBoy, and a Link Cord, NOW!!!” shouts Love Tap.
“Yes, well, that will be 110 bits—”
“I AM NOT PAYING A SINGLE CELESTIA-DAMNED BIT FOR THIS EXTORTION!!! IT’S GIVE ME THE GAME STUFF OR I SHOVE FIREWORKS DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!”
“W-what?”
“AND THEN DETONATE THEM!!!!”
“Ma’am, you wouldn’t?”
“I ONCE RESCUED MY SON’S FILLYFRIEND FROM AN UNLAWFUL DETENTION BY BLOWING A HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE SCHOOLHOUSE!!! DON’T THINK I WON’T SHOVE FIREWORKS UP YOUR FLANK FLANK AND LIGHT THEM!!! GREEN EDITION! BLUE JOYBOY!! LINK CORD! NOW!!!”
Speed Run fearfully retrieves the goods Love Tap demanded and gives them to her, no charge. Love Tap begins to walk out when Button says, “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“This kinda feels like stealing, though…” Button says. Love Tap sighs, knowing her son is right, and walks back to the counter. She lays 125 bits on the counter.
“Ma’am, I-I thought you weren’t p-paying? And it’s only 110 b-bits,” says Speed Run.
“Yes, but I feel bad for scaring the daylights out of you, so I gave you some extra to compensate. My son can be my only moral compass sometimes,” says Love Tap sheepishly.
“Yes, well, you two enjoy your new games!” says Speed Run as Love Tap and Button Mash leave the shop. The shop owner throws himself across the counter, where he sees Love Tap’s saddlebags. He picks them up and begins to walk out, but stops as he hears a hissing sound.
His pupils shrink to pinpricks.
**********
“Mom?”
“Yes, Button?”
“Why did you give him fifteen bits extra?”
“Because he’s gonna need it for the repair work.”
“What?”
KAFWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Button looks at the game store 100 feet behind him. Shattered glass litters the streets and smoke billows from the otherwise intact storefront.
“Oh.”
“Like I said, you can be my only moral compass, sometimes .”
**********
Speed Run stumbles out of the smoky building, coughing some smoke from his lungs. His camera handler, thankfully or not, captured every last bit of the explosion that rocked his shop, and is still recording.
“We need to remodel don’t we?” asks Speed Run.
“Yep,” says the stallion behind the camera.
“Well, we here at Speed Run’s Game shop are sorry to say that we will spend the next week or so remodeling, but we should be back open soon! Until then, play more games! Turn it off, Lens Focus! Turn! It! OFF!!!”
Speed Run tackles his camera-stallion.
**********
Spike watches on in boredom as the commercial ends and the screen once again plays the familiar sights and sounds of static.
“Eh, I prefer my comics, anyway.” He walks up to his room inside Friendship Castle and reads the Power Ponies series from the beginning.
Saturn's House of Epic Learning
Saturn's House of Epic Learning
The screen flickers and it reveals a yellow unicorn stallion with a lab robe and a bowtie.
"Are we on?" He asks.
"Yup." A voice behind the camera responds.
"Hello, do you have an insatiable thirst of knowledge, wish to know more about this wonderful planet, or want to make your mama and papa happy?"
The stallion moves to the side to reveal his cutie mark, that represents a grey planet with rings, and a small building.
"I'm Saturn Eclipse and I present you... Saturn's house of epic learning!" He was rather enthusiastic.
The screen presents static and then shows Saturn inside a laboratory, with some tables with tall chairs on them, on the background there is a periodic table.
"In my institute, ponies of all ages can learn a wide variety of disciplines, here are just some examples!"
The screen presents more static for a few seconds, then Saturn appears on an open field at night with a telescope, the starred sky beautifying the view.
"Astronomy! Say goodbye to social life and friends and say hello to a map of the night sky with each and every star with name, coordinates, mass and location! Also, 'Most of my work takes place at night' is a great pick-up line!" He says with a wink.
The screen flickers and shows the scientist on a room with about five computers.
"Informatics! Learn more about this wonderful new science! Not to mention you learn another language: profanity." He says the last part under his breath.
"Here we have a lucky mare who is learning, let's see how she goes."
The camera points to the cream mare with a blue/pink mane, typing on her computer.
"How are you doing?" Saturn asks happily.
"I know how to start it, but how do I turn it off?
"Well, first you press the start button and-" Saturn is interrupted by the mare.
"No, I told you, I want to turn it off."
"I know, you press the Start button-"
"Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do."
"I did." Saturn is getting annoyed.
"When?"
"When I told you to press the Start button."
"Why should I press the Start button?"
"To shut off the computer"
"I press Start to stop."
"Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer." Saturn is getting mad.
"I knew it! So what do I press?"
"Start."
"Start what?"
"Start button." Saturn facehooves.
"Start button to do what?"
"Shut down." Saturn is angry.
"You don't have to get rude!"
"No, no, no! That's not what I meant." Saturn was is enraged.
"Then say what you mean." Bonbon was is mad too.
"To shut down the computer, press-" Saturn is interrupted again.
"Don't say 'start'!"
"Then what do you want me to say?!" Saturn yells.
"Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop."
"But that's what you do!"
"And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights."
"Don't be ridiculous." Saturn screams.
"I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation." Bonbon shouts.
"What are you talking about?!"
"I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye." Bonbon leaves.
Saturn screams his lungs out punched a computer monitor. His hoof brakes through the hardware.
More static and Saturn is now outdoors in a green field. His gray mane is uncombed and there are eye bags under his eyes.
"Zoology!" He exclaims, his enthusiasm faker than Sapphire Shores' plot.
The camera points towards a small monkey, stereotypically eating a banana.
Saturn starts getting close to it, he says:
"Aww... Such a cute little monkey..." He starts sitting down close to the primate.
"Umm... Saturn? You might not want to sit there..."
"Shut up, Telescope!" Saturn snaps.
Saturn sits down... On the monkey's tail, they both scream and the latter jumps into the former's face, biting and scratching him, the scientist leads out an ear-ripping shriek, meanwhile, a laugh can be heard from behind the camera.
"Telescope! Ahh! Telescope! Help! I'm bleeding!"
"Eventually..." He says, calmly.
"Oh gosh! I can't see out of one eye!"
"Soon..."
"Ahh! I'm bleeding from my horn!"
The camera rotates and it reveals a light gray pegasus with an azure mane and turquoise eyes, he lifts up a note that said:
My name is Telescope Lens, I’m being held against my will, if you're reading this, please send help and/or weapons
"What is that?! Oh no!" Saturn yells.
The yellow unicorn stands up, still with the monkey ripping his hair and jumps towards the camera, the lens brakes and the image screen goes black.
Finally, a poorly written message says:
You can also learn psychology, discover new things about the pony brain! Like I just discovered I am zoophobiac.
The tv produced some static before transitioning to a screen comprised of the following text with a solid white background for about 20 seconds.
The following is a message from the National Agency of Suicide Prevention Ponyville Division. Copyright:lololol
The tv once again transitions, this time to a mare with a silvery yet all at once white mane about shoulders length and a deep black coat that could only be described as a distinctive lack of hue. Her cutie mark is that of a singular telephone surrounded by a noose made of its own cord. She walks over to a table with a telephone firmly in the middle and sits facing the camera.
“Hello,” the mare says in a low calm voice. “My name is Silver Scorn and I manage the Ponyville Division of N.A.S.P. Our number can be found at the bottom of the screen.” For a split second a number appeared at the bottom of the screen but was overtaken by a black bar.
Silver awkwardly pulls out a flashcard and continues. “Now, it has come to N.A.S.P.’s attention that suicides rates in Ponyville have hit an all time high after nearly 23 years without an incident. Just recently stuntpony High Stakes, famous for his signature Market Gardening, cratered and lost all feeling below his neck. Doctors are still unsure of how he even managed to hang himself without assistance.” She tosses the flashcard aside.
Silver turns toward the screen with a determined look. “Do you ever feel like life isn’t worth it anymore? Do you ever feel like giving up, like nothing good can ever happen to you and you should just end it all? Maybe you just want someone to talk to?” Her voiced and gazed become uneasy before returning to a neutral state. She clears her throat.
“If so then please for your safety and for those around you call the number at the bottom of the screen and a operator will be more than happy to try and help you.” The number once again blinks in for a split second and is replaced by nothing the bottom of the screen disappearing into nothingness.
There is a long silence for about 30 seconds as she stares at the telephone becoming more and more anxious looking. She then turns back to the camera with a nervous glance and begins again.
“Maybe you're not thinking about suicide … Maybe you're just are having bad day. Maybe you've just got nothing better to do. If so feel free to call well be more than happy to help you anyway we can.”
Suddenly the camera swivels, exposing a completely empty building save for the mare and the table with the telephone. The camera slams against the stone floor and the bottom of the lense cracks. Silver rushes over and picks up the camera and looks over it in despair, her mane now disheveled and overall looking like a maniac. She points the camera afuly close to her face, still holding it.
“Oh no no no! What am I going to do! My camera is ruined!” Her voice is distorted and sounds very deep and masculine. “Wait, is this still on? If so then please someone call us to let us know.” Looks desperately over to the phone and then back to the camera. “Please someone just call! Its so lonely here. I just want someone to talk to.” She begins crying. “Please just call the numbers…”
The ad ends abruptly with static and a loud beep until suddenly a masculine Mexicolt voice cuts in enthusiastically. “Cinco, Cinco, Cinco, Nueve, Dos, Nueve, Dos.( 555-9292 ) I can work a miracle. I guarantee it.”
A stallion with a mottled yellowish-white coat and a ton of acne, wearing a straw boater and a loud yellow vest, stood in front of the camera.
"Hi kids! Are you looking for a place to bug your parents to take you for your birthday party, celebration of not flunking that big test, or just basically to have a blast with fun games and pizza and prizes?"
"Well come on down to Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse!" The stallion motioned behind him, where a building easily four barns wide stood, with a gaudily-painted sign bearing his face and the name 'Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse' above the double wide front doors. "Come on in, check it out!"
The stallion and the camera entered the store, where things were whizzing and dinging and blinking and buzzing in all directions.
"At Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse, we've got pizza!" The stallion held up a large slice of cheese pizza, which dripped grease from the runny, soggy cheese topping. "We've got games!" The camera panned to a bank of video game cabinets. "We've got skee ball!" The camera panned to a row of skee ball machines in the back corner of the store. "We've got prizes!" The camera panned across the highest shelf of a rack of stuff behind two bored-looking cashiers; dozens of massive plushies lined the top two racks, as well as things like a complete electric train set. "And we've got FUN!
"So come on down to Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse, and you can have as much fun as these happy fillies and colts!"
The camera panned over a group of decidedly unhappy-looking foals.
A yellow earth pony filly with a red mane topped with a big bow frowned. "The food here's awful."
A marshmallow-colored unicorn filly with a two-tone mane and green eyes looked troubled. "That puppet band that keeps playing every ten minutes really creeps me out."
An orange pegasus filly with fuschia hair shook her hoof angrily at the camera. "There's no way to win any of the good prizes! They cost too many tickets! All you get is crap like this!" She jingled the ring of plastic beads and charms she wore around her neck. "And I wanted that awesome jetpack..."
Behind them, several other foals made similarly disgruntled noises and complaints.
An orange mare with a blonde mane, wearing a brown Stetson, trotted up behind the foals. "Ah'm awful sorry about these kids," she said. "But this place is kinda..." She tilted her head. "What's th' word Ah'm lookin' fer...?"
"CRAPPY!" the three fillies shouted in unison.
"...eeeyup, that's a word fer it alright. C'mon, y'all, let's go t' Sugar Cube Corner. Ah'm sure Pinkie Pie'll turn them frowns upside down."
"YAAAY!" The entire crowd of foals followed her out the front door, the camera following them all the way.
"He-HEY! Wait! Don't go! You can win mo--we'll double the tickets, alright? Double! ...Triple? Please...don't go..."
A slice of pizza slapped the stallion in the face from off camera with a wet plap. "I'm telling my DADDY how bad this place is!" a pink filly wearing a tiny tiara screeched. She and her little grey friend kicked the stallion in the knees, then stormed out.
"...come down...to...Greasy Pizza's...where all the...food and fun is...ow..."
Mister Handy's Hand-Me-Downs
As sure as the summer breeze is hot, the TV static clears away once more, this time revealing an elderly green earth pony wearing a ratty beanie and a coat that's more holes than cloth. Swiss cheese would be jealous...you know, if swiss cheese had feelings.
He opens his mouth to speak, but starts with a fit of coughing. By the time he's done, a tiny bit of spittle hangs from his lip. He doesn't seem to care.
"Hello. Is there something missing from your life? Do new things scare you, frighten you, terrify you to your bones as you wish you could hold onto something, anything from the past? Anything that takes you back to those not-scary times where carts didn't have wheels, and were instead wooden drawers that didn't go anywhere unless YOU moved them?"
The scene cuts to the inside of a dingy warehouse with rusty holes in the ceiling and littered with piles and piles of stuff all over the floor, all of it covered in dust.
"Or maybe you're just looking for an odd trinket, doodad or bauble that would probably fetch a slightly better price at your local pawnshop, or to give as a birthday present to some relative of a relative that you don't really remember, but feel obligated to give them something. Well, fear no longer, my thrifty shoppers, and come on down to Mister Handy's Hand-Me-Downs.
"Everything here is either donated by the community or found discarded in old, abandoned homes, warehouses, deserted museums...you know, picking places. Whether their owners have left them behind or donated out of the kindness of their hearts, rest assured that when you walk in here, you'll find something that'll be special to someone out there. And don't forget that--"
Suddenly, the front door is bucked in as royal guards flood the front door.
"...oh buckbuckets."
"Mister Handy, hooves in the air! Now!"
Mister Handy complies, and two guards rush forward and tackle him to the ground at once.
"Mister Handy, you're under arrest!"
"OW! For what?"
"Possession of stolen contraband, tax evasion, public indecency in a fountain at the local park--”
“I was bathing for that one!”
“In front of an entire field trip’s worth of schoolchildren!”
“Well, how was I supposed to know they’d show up that day? They even took pictures!”
“...wait, they took pictures?”
“I should know. I gathered them all... Do you want to see them?” Just as Handy finishes, he starts to try and fish something out of his ratty coat pocke--
“GODS, NO! Ugh, you’re giving me a headache already.”
“Then you might want to wear a helmet,” Handy quipped with a smirk on his face. The guard blinks and taps his head, noticing it’s a bit lighter.
“You stole my helmet!"
“I didn't steal your helmet!" Handy objects through a suspiciously acquired helmet he wasn't wearing before.
"Then why is my head bare and yours adorned with shiny gold?"
Handy shrugs. An incredible feat, considering he's still under two guards yet still took the helmet. "Happenstance?"
The helmetless guard cries out, "Cuff him so he stops stealing...MY ARMOR!"
Handy, now wearing a full guard armor set, smiles sheepishly at the guard he just pilfered the set from. "Hee hee...sorry?"
"TAKE HIM AWAY!" The bare guard yells, and some of the guards at the doorway pull Mister Handy out and away from his store. Soon after, the tackling guards are the last to exit his store, but Handy's camera is still rolling.
For a few minutes, nothing happens. Then the camera shifts around in blurs of movement as it's picked up and turned around, revealing Mister Handy, still adorned in gold guard armor.
"Hi. Sorry about that. That's my fourth run-in with the guards this week, and they've been rather persistent in trying to arrest me. But I swear to you all that this is a legitimate busine--"
"OH NO! Not this time, you slimy worm!"
The camera falls to the floor, catching glimpses of Mister Handy and the bare guard in quite the scuffle!
"Gimme my armor back!"
"Gah! Stop trying to arrest me in my store, and maybe I will!"
"Everything in your store is--OW! Stolen!"
"Not all of it! Most is donated legitimate--lyyyy!" Handy cries as the bare guard finally gets a grasp on him. The bare guard drags Handy by the collar on the armor out the door, caught in one last shot by his camera.
“Don’t worry, everyone! I’ll be back soon. Buy from Mister Handy’s Hand-me-downs, where everything belongs to someone out theeeeere!”
The front door to Mister Handy’s store closes, leaving the room in silence once more.
This time, the TV shows something entirely new—a commercial for a TV show!
Spike leans forward on the couch, nearly toppling off.
The words “Law and Hoarder” in Times New Roman font appear on the screen, with a blue glow outline for the word “Law” and a red glow outline for the word “Hoarder” as happy—yet somehow somber—music plays. “Next time, on Law and Hoarder. ”
“Oh, Dashie?” Pinkie Pie says, standing in Sugarcube Corner. “Yeah, she’s def a hoarder! She keeps everything! Old newspapers (especially if they’re about her), cupcake wrappers, even old con—”
The scene cuts to Rainbow Dash’s house, which is strangely immaculate; literal shines keep appearing behind Rainbow. “Huh? Oh, no, I don’t hoard!” She chuckles, her eyes staring far too long directly at the camera. “Whoever told you that?!”
The scene then cuts to Applejack, who is standing in front of her barn with a bemused expression. “Yeah, she’s hidin’ all th’ stuff here,” she says bluntly. “She needs t’ get th’ stuff out soon, though, ‘cuz it’s almost time t’ raze the barn so we can raise th’ barn.” Almost on cue, the barn shudders, and Applejack quickly looks behind her.
Now it’s back to Rainbow, who is pointing to herself. “Definitely not a hoarder who hides her stuff elsewhere!” she says with an obviously fake smile.
“Silly Rainbow!” Pinkie says, standing upside down in the camera frame. “You know you can’t fool people like that!”
Rainbow jumps, her wings flaring and flapping, causing her to rise a few feet and almost bump into the pink mare. “PINKIE!”
“Rainbow, you have a problem!” Twilight says dramatically, running into the room.
“Wait, how’d you—”
“Dear, it is highly uncouth to hoard!” Rarity says, tossing her mane. “If you must hoard, you must organize, not place it wherever it happens to land!”
“Huh? Seriously, how did you guys get in here?” Rainbow blinks. “Wait, Rarity, do you hoard?”
“Um, I think I hear Sweetie Belle calling!” Rarity gallops out of the frame, and the sound of a door closing is heard.
Twilight looks around the room, as does the camera pony. “Wait, where’s Fluttershy?”
Pinkie giggles, still upside down. “She decided to help Applejack blow up her barn!”
“WHAT?!”
The screen quickly cuts to black as Rainbow starts growling and her eye starts twitching, and then to Sugarcube Corner.
“So, what’s the law part of the show?” somepony off-screen asks.
“Hm?” Pinkie Pie looks up from the cake she’s eating. “Oh, that’s when we go to court for trespassing!”
“Defense of the accused, do you have anything to say?”
The scene is now a courtroom, with many sleeping ponies. A bag of cement in a bowler hat sits next to Pinkie Pie, who puts a pair of glasses on it, then whistles innocently.
“Would you like to bring in any more witnesses?”
Pinkie discreetly makes the bag nod to the judge, who sighs.
“Call the next witness.” The judge leans back in her chair, her eyelids drooping.
“Law and Hoarder: coming soon to a TV near you,” a stallion’s voice says over a black screen.
“And courtroom!” Pinkie adds, standing in front of the words “Law and Hoarder” that has just appeared.
“Um, sure.”
A light brown stallion with glasses, a dark brown mane and tail, and a propane tank cutie mark groaned as he looked away from the camera. As he turned around to stare at the camera, he forced a smile on his face.
"Howdy Arlen- I mean Ponyville!" He greeted with a wave. "Having trouble refueling your grills? Heater isn't working too well? Well, maybe you should switch to propane down at Strickland Propane!"
He moved aside, revealing a store with "Strickland Propane" written on a sign on top of the store.
"Propane has so many uses and is more clean burning and efficient, as compared to charcoal and butane; a bastard gas, may I add... Let's hear from some users."
The camera switches to another scene, revealing a very fat brown earth pony with no mane, and a chocolate cake cutie mark.
"I love Strickland Propane!" the pony said with a happy grin. "It's really useful and it heats my home up. I love Strickland Propane."
His grin suddenly vanished, replaced with a sorrowful sad face.
"Too bad my ex-wife doesn't love me as much I love propane..."
With tears in his eyes, he closed them and shouted at the top of his lungs:
"LLLEEEEENNNNOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEE-"
The camera cuts to an orange stallion with sunglasses, an orange hat, a brown mane and tail, and a fly swatter cutie mark.
"I love that place," the stallion says with a friendly smile. "I, Dale Gribble of 'Dale's Dead Bug', use it to fuel my devices so that I can easily kill animals very-"
He stops when he turns around, seeing a sad yellow pegasus with a pink mane and tail. Her eyes were brimming with tears.
"Uh... Not animals, Fluttershy! I mean rats and mice and such!"
Her sad face grew with more sorrow.
"Wait! I use it to kill bugs! They're not animals!"
As Fluttershy let out a loud wail, Dale quickly ran to the camera. Immediately the camera switches to a handsome tan pegasus with a gold mane and tail and a musical note cutie mark.
"I tell ya what, Strickland dang ol' propane is that dang ol' recommended not that dang ol' Thatherton fuels, man whatever happened to him, and dang ol' Burt Reynolds voiced him, yo, now it's Toby Huss, who is he, yo, dang ol' Cotton's and Kahn's voice actor? Damn, yo. Dang ol' propane fuels my heater, something, grill, hot tub, jacuzzi, man, I tell ya wha-"
"THERE HE IS!!!"
The pegasus turned around, seeing a whole crowd mares, ranging from unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Every single mare had a savage grin and a lustful desire in their hearts.
"HE'S MINE!"
"HAVE MY BABIES!"
"BE MINE FOREVER!"
The pegasus quickly turned to the camera with a nervous grin.
"Dang ol' more women, man. Sorry Gribble man, gotta stop rolling the tape, I tell ya what!"
He immediately bolted away, the mares furiously chasing after him. The camera switches to the light brown stallion from earlier.
"So head on down to Strickland Propane!" he said with a satisfied grin. "Taste the heat! Not the meat!"
As he heard whimpering, the stallion turned around, seeing Fluttershy about to cry.
"Uh, that's just a saying, Fluttershy. I mean, don't you have animals that eat other animals?"
"Uh, Hank?" Dale said from behind the camera. "She's not crying at you, she's still torn up about me."
As Fluttershy let out another loud wail, Hank facehooved as he let out another groan.
"Oh, god... And Dale, for the millionth time, stop wobbling the camera."
Dark clouds blocked the clear sky and coated the world with a grayish fog. Heavy rain fell upon the earth as a brown pegasus walked clumsily, his legs became sore from his endless traveling, his eyesight fading from the lack of rest, and his mind failing from the insanity that he was trying to stop. Even his black hair seemed to experience extreme discomfort.
As his eye twitched like a fire flickering, he fell to the ground, ignoring the pain inflicting to his body from the impact. His mind seemed to be in low power, probably because of the intense armageddon that is happening in his body. With his last remaining strength, he lifted up his head, sweat dripped from his forehead from the burning pain in his muscles.
After struggling to clear his eyesight, he saw nothing but more dirt forming into mud from the rain that refused to stop. A small tear formed in his eye and dropped to the wet dirt. He let out an involuntary whimper as he dropped to the ground, his faith is gone and desire for death appeared out of nowhere.
His shoulder felt a strange feeling. It was not of pain. It was something soft. He felt a soft touch in his shoulder. Lifting up his head for a bit, his eyes widen as he saw the most beautiful mare he had ever seen in his entire life. Despite the intense fog, she was glowing with a bright light. She had long golden hair that dangled from her shoulder. Her blue eyes stared at the fallen pegasus as her red glossy lips formed into a kind smile.
She placed both of her hooves on the pegasus's body and lifted him up from the mud. She placed his head on her chest, where he can feel her angelic heartbeat. As she turned around, the pegasus gasped at the sight he was seeing. He saw a bright light that suddenly appeared in the middle of the dirt-filled field. A handsome unicorn stood in front of the bright light, his dark hair glowing brightly. He smiled, his white teeth shining like the sun, as he signaled the mare to follow him.
As he walked inside the bright light, the mare followed him. The pegasus wondered where they were going. As she walked up to the bright light, it absorbed her and the pegasus. The pegasus could not see because of the shining light, yet he felt a strange and relaxing feeling in his body.
As the light dissolved, he opened his eyes to see a glorious sight: a room complete with a jukebox, two pool tables, six tables, and, best of all, a bar on the side filled with all sorts of liqueur, alcohol, and beer. The pegasus smiled widely, not feeling any pain from his grin. Slowly, the pain in his body disappeared and he felt a great amount of relief in his entire body.
A short Earth pony suddenly appeared and began to speak with a big smile on his face.
"So come on down to Paddy's Pub! Where-"
"GREENMAN!!!!"
The ponies immediately turned their attention to a pegasus dressed in a light green bodysuit that covered his whole body and face. He was bolting around the bar, knocking down everything in his sight.
"GODDAMNIT CHARLIE!!!!" The unicorn yelled as he slammed his hooves on his own face, ignoring the pain from the facehoof.
"I told you he was going to do it!" The mare shouted as she dropped the pegasus she was holding.
"OW! What the hell Dee?!" The pegasus yelled in pain as he fell to the ground.
"Oh shut up Mac!" The mare roared at the pegasus.
"Shut up Dee!" The unicorn screamed as he walked up to the mare.
"Shut up Dennis!" The mare spat back at the unicorn.
"Shut up Frank!" The green-outfitted pegasus barked at the short pony.
"I didn't say nothin'!" The short pony shouted at the green-outfitted pegasus.
As the ponies argued bitterly with each other, the short pony rubbed his temple with his hoof as he walked up to a camera that was adjusted on a wall.
"Ah screw this. We're done. Where's the record button? Ah, there it is. I had enough of this sh
View Online
Fluttershy's Center for Special-LOONY LUNA'S LOUDSPEAKERS
The TV wakes up out of its small break, unsure of why it's awake. It's the middle of the day. Doesn't this dragon have things to do? A mare to swoon? Gems to hoard? Something?!
In any case, the TV diligently displays a lovely little yellow cottage at the edge of a rather dark forest. Peeking outside the front door is a butter mare with straight pink hair, though one could hardly tell that as she barely made herself visible on camera.
"H...Hello..." She squeaked in a tone so low the TV's volume is adjusted immediately afterward. "M-My name is...Fluttershy and..." The volume increased further. "...this is my animal care center." Just two ticks below max volume now.
"If...If you have animals with special needs or...just need somepony to watch them for a few days, then I can watch them. So...if you have one and need to bring them somewhere...then-"
"WE CAN HELP!" The TV shook violently as its speakers strained to output the booming noise. The dragon watching the TV flew back into the shelves behind him. Books rattled off the shelves and clattered to the floor, and on the dragon, in a chaotic cluster.
On the TV, Fluttershy "Eep"ed and shut the door as a deep blue alicorn donning onyx regalia landed ceremoniously upon the grass just outside the cottage. She then turned toward the camera.
"GREETINGS! I am Princess Luna, and WE have a wonderful opportunity for YOU, citizens of Equestria!" In a small explosion of paper and hardbound covers, Spike leaped from the pile of books and fumbled with the volume controls. He lowered it a few ticks before Luna said, "Are you having troubles getting your small business off the ground? If so, then you need a BIG way to reach across the land, and WE can help with that! Observe!" Finally, the volume came down to just one tick at the end of Luna's announcement just as she approached Fluttershy's door.
After a few knocks, the door opened slightly. "O-Oh, hello, Princess Luna." Spike groaned, and turned up the volume again. "What brings you out here?" Fluttershy asked.
"WE came to help, Fluttershy! Now, what is it you are advertising?" The volume shot down again as Spike now had his thumb primed at the volume controls, set to raise and lower it as needed.
"I-It's nothing much. Just a care center for special needs animals."
"Excellent!" At that, Luna grabs Fluttershy's hoof and takes her out of her home, keeping her at her side and directly in front of the camera. Fluttershy wilted at her sudden spotlight appearance, and attempted to mask herself behind Luna's wing.
Luna remained unfazed, and began.
"HELLO, citizens of Equestria! Do you have an exotic creature in your custody that you know little to nothing about? Has your Orthos drooled a gallon or ten of slobber all over you, and you wish to have some time away from their flood of saliva?
"Or perhaps you have a lonely cockatrice that's stared at you once too many times at night, and assuming you're not turned to stone, you'd like that nasty habit of theirs broken in before you crumble under the pressure."
Luna flared her wings, revealing Fluttershy. "FEAR NO LONGER, citizens! For Fluttershy here--"
"Eep!" Fluttershy fell to the ground and covered her head with her hooves.
"--shall tackle these problems for you! She's handled them all! Manticores, Dragons, and even an unstable Draconequus! There's no creature she hasn't conquered!
"She'll tame your Ursas, major or minor! And Hydras? It doesn't matter how many heads there are--she'll handle them all at the same time!" Luna stopped, and looked down at the cowering mare now underneath her legs. "Won't you?"
Fluttershy peeked out from the gap in Luna's legs. "I-I'm not sure if I can handle that many--"
"Of course you can!" Luna reaffirmed. "This is a special needs animal clinic, and you must be prepared to satisfy all their needs!"
Fluttershy gulped. "A-All of them?"
"Every. Last. One," Luna stated with unabashed certainty.
"...I...I think this is a bad idea now."
Luna flashed a smile so bright it blinded the camera for a moment. "Nonsense! WE have faith in you, but more importantly, you should have faith in yourself! Believe in the you that believes in you!"
At first seeming greatly inspired by Luna's faith, Fluttershy tilted her head a moment later. "...wait, what does that even mean?"
"I have no idea!" Luna faced the camera again. "But she can do it! So come on down to Fluttershy's Special Needs Animal Clinic, where she'll give them the proper treatment they deserve!
Luna then pointed forward. "And while WE are at it, if YOU should find yourself in need of advertisement, seek out Luna's Loudspeakers TODAY!"
The advertisement ends with a large blue "Luna's Loudspeakers" logo, with tiny text below reading, "Now Hiring! Inquire by mail, shouting Luna's name, or in your dreams. Earmuffs optional, but probably mandatory."
And the TV fell silent once more. Spike breathed a sigh of relief before setting down the remote and nursing his sore thumb as he headed to the bathroom.
"Oh man, that commercial was intense! When's the next one?"
The TV didn't want to know.
Rainbow Dash's Weather Control Services
The screen flickers again and Spike watches as it shifts to a simple scene of Rainbow Dash sitting in an open field under the clear Ponyville skies.
Rainbow Dash smiles wide as she addresses the camera in front of her. “Hello Ponyville!” Rainbow Dash zips off and returns with a dark cloud. “Are you tired of getting your parades rained on?” she asks as she jumps on the cloud causing rain to come out of it. “Sick of wind ruining your picnics?” Rainbow Dash flaps her wings and the cloud rapidly flies off screen. “Exhausted with hail hitting your… uh… something…? If so, they come find Rainbow Dash…”
“Rainbow…! ” a feminine voice calls out in the distance.
“… and for a small fee, I’ll make sure the skies are nice and clear for your foal’s cutecinceanera, your wedding, or any number of special events!”
“ Rainbow…! ” the voice calls out louder.
Rainbow grins wickedly. “Or maybe there’s an event you don’t want to go smoothly… Maybe a rival’s grand opening that could possibly be due for a snowstorm if the price is right? Or an obnoxious neighbor whose home could do with a little freak tornado accident?” Rainbow Dash flaps her wings hard a couple times as she continues to smile evilly.
“RAINBOW DASH!”
Rainbow Dash furrows her brow and looks off to the side. “Do you mind, Twilight?!” Rainbow Dash motions to the camera. “I’m in the middle of making a commercial here!”
Twilight angrily trots into view. “What’s this I hear about you sabotaging the weather?!”
Rainbow Dash stands on her hind legs and motions to herself with her forehooves. “Sabotage?! Me? I’m not sabotaging anything! I’m just running a booming weather control service!” Rainbow turns to the camera and winks. “And no one booms like Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow frowned suddenly and turned to Twilight. “Do you think that works as a catchphrase, or should I add ‘sonic’ in front of booms?”
“… Rainbow …” Twilight growls out angrily.
“… Or I can even say ‘sonic rainbooms!’” Rainbow Dash says as she waved a forehoof in an arc above her.
“RAINBOW!” Twilight says harshly. “Your job is to make the weather specifically as scheduled by the Mayor’s office! You can’t just fly around and randomly decide what the weather will be like from day to day!”
“What?!” Rainbow cries. “I’m not doing that at all! My clients are paying me to get the weather they need! ”
“You’re… you’re selling out the weather conditions to the highest bidder?!” Twilight exclaims.
Rainbow Dash grins. “Also trying to tell the residents of Ponyville that if they want the weather what they expect it to be, they better come see me with a little… heh… incentive to make sure weather stays on schedule.”
Twilight stares at Rainbow in disbelief. “You’re also extorting the people of Ponyville?!”
“I prefer to think of it as marketing my skills as one of Equestria’s best weather ponies for a small fee… A fee that’s usually higher than what I get as a local weather pony. And hey! Why stop at Ponyville? I mean… I can get around pretty fast! Maybe there’s other cities that need my… heh… services.”
“…That’s appalling!” Twilight exclaims.
“Hey!” Rainbow replies. “If you got it, flaunt it!”
“THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO HOW THAT PHRASE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!” Twilight snaps angrily. “What’s more, this is immoral and probably illegal.”
“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Twi!”
“You know what?” Twilight motions to herself. “I’m a princess and I’ve decided your actions are illegal! I demand you don’t participate in any—”
Rainbow Dash stuck out her tongue. “You have to catch me, first!” With that, the rainbow maned mare zooms up high into the clear skies around Ponyville.
“I…GET BACK HERE! ” Twilight shouts upwards. “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!”
Suddenly, a shadow is cast from high overhead. It drifts over the ground towards Twilight and leaves her in the shade. Twilight eyes go wide just as a torrential downpour of rain drenches her mane, coat, and wings.
Twilight sighs and trudges off. “I’ll go get some bits…”
The ground suddenly brightens before Rainbow Dash zips back into view. “Another satisfied customer!”
“BUCK YOU!” Twilight shouts back from off screen.
Rainbow Dash looks back at the camera. “Just contact me, the one and only Rainbow Dash for all your weather needs!” Rainbow’s devilish smile returned. “If you don’t, who knows what the weather will actually be?”
Spike blinks a few times as Rainbow Dash bounces a few more catch phrases off the camera. “Huh… So that’s why Twilight came back drenched that day and grabbed a huge hoofful of bits… and also a book on turning inanimate objects into living beings that feed on the flesh of the living…” Spike strokes his chin with a claw. “I wonder how that worked out?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
Spike shoots up to his feet as he hears a scream from outside. He races out the door, and peers up into the sky.
“GET THEM OFF OF ME! GET THEM OFF OF ME!”
Spike watches as Rainbow Dash darts back and forth across the sky, apparently being swarmed by coins. One falls from her body and hits the ground with a small ‘tink’. Spike walks up to inspect it.
He lowers his face and peers at it. “Looks like a normal coin to me…” he says. He reaches out with a claw.
‘Chomp!’
The tiny coin suddenly jumps at the claw and clamps a set of teeth around it.
Spike recoils slightly, then slowly raises his claw in front of his face. As sharp as the tiny teeth on the small coin look, they aren’t doing much against his claw. Spike reaches out with his free claws and pinches the coin, pulling it off of the claw it was latched onto. The coin shifts and gnashed its teeth in Spike’s grip, but is unable to free itself
Spike shrugs, pops the coin into his mouth, and crunches down on the coin. “Hmmmm ... It’s magically delicious!” he says. His eyes widened and his mouth breaks into a smile as he continues to chew. “Hey! Maybe I should try making my own coin cereal with Twilight… and I know just where to advertise it, too!”
“FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!” Rainbow Dash shouts from above. “WHY ISN’T ANYPONY HELPING ME?!”
Fluttershy's Animal Care Advice
If a TV is on in an empty room, does it still make images? Does it still produce sound? I mean… if someone isn’t there to perceive the glow of the TV and the voices, sound effects, and music of the TV, do we really know they’re happening?
The answer is, of course, yes . I mean… I just said it was on, didn’t I? I mean… Wow. How do you think TVs work? Sure this is the magical land of Equestria, but this isn’t some magic TV that senses when it’s being observed. It’s just a regular TV currently showing a program to the room around it.
“Spike? SPIKE! Where are you?! Don’t tell me you’re still cooped up inside!”
And now it’s showing it to the purple alicorn that just walked in.
“Oh! The Public Access Channel.” Twilight says happily as she trots in front of the TV. She gives out a quiet sigh. “I really need to tell Spike not to leave the TV on when he’s done watching it.”
“Welcome back…” a diminutive voice says from the TV.
“Oh, this must be Fluttershy’s Animal Care show!” Twilight says as she sits on her haunches and begins to watch.
Fluttershy sits in the middle of her cottage and smiles a little sheepishly at the camera. “Did you all have fun learning about keeping vampiric jack-a-lopes as pets?”
“AHHHHHHHHHH! ” A pegasus stallion with a dark gray coat, amber eyes and a short blue-silver mane and tale suddenly fly’s past Fluttershy's windows, a small horde of rabbits with antlers in pursuit. “KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!”
“I know I did!” Fluttershy continues to smile at the camera, either completely oblivious or simply ignoring the ruckus going on outside. She continues to talk to the camera, “Now pets come in all shapes in size… from the tiniest lady bug to big ol’ cuddly Elk. Today we’re learning about proper care for one of the bigger animals. In this case, a big, happy dog!” Fluttershy turns to her side. “Erm … You can come out now… if that’s okay with you…”
A bright yellow-colored mare with an orange mane and tail, emerald eyes, and three teddy bears for a cutie mark suddenly trudges into view with a leash tied around one of her forearms. At the end of the leash is a big, brown and white dog that’s easily the size of the mare herself. Its eyes dart around excitedly as it continually pants, a steady stream of drool coming off its tongue.
“Finally!” The mare exclaims. “This mutt just won’t leave me alone for a second. He’s always jumping on me and slobbering all over me!”
Fluttershy tenses slightly at the word ‘mutt’ be pushes on. “Erm … Well… establishing appropriate behavior between pet and owner is an important part of a working animal relationship… Maybe some obedience—”
The dog suddenly jumps up and places his front legs around its owner’s neck. It begins enthusiastically licking the yellow mare much to her chagrin.
“Down! DOWN!” the mare shouts as she tugs on the dogs leash and forces it to the ground.
The dog lowers itself onto its belly but continues to look up at the mare excitedly.
“Awwww… ” Fluttershy utters. “He’s jus’ a big ol’ puppy, ain’t he?”
“PUPPY?!” The mare exclaims. “Lady, he’s a massive monster!”
Fluttershy flinches again. “Monster might be a bit harsh…” she says with a small smile. “He’s just showing you how much he loves you.” Fluttershy’s face lights up. “Maybe we can work on his obedience!”
“Great idea!” The mare says. “I’ll leave the dog with you, and you can deal with all his jumping and slobber while I get away from it all!”
“Le… leave the dog with me?” Fluttershy says in a slightly concerned voice. “Erm… well… I do also run a special needs program and pet watching program here… Uh… How long would your…erm … ‘break’ be?”
“Oh I don’t know… Maybe forever! ”
“Fo-forever?”
The mare nods. “This thing has just gotten too big! Instead of me taking it out for walks, it takes me. ”
The dog returns to excitedly jumping up and down on its owner and licks her face.
The mare angrily yanks at its leash. “Down, boy! DOWN! ”
The dog returns to lying on its belly, its tail wagging excitedly.
Fluttershy looks at the animal then back at the mare. “Erm… um… well… I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”
“Oh, it’s not a good idea,” the mare says. “It’s a great idea!”
Fluttershy sighs, purses her lips and lets out a fluctuating whistle into in the air that reverberates around her cottage.
The dog sits up, places its muzzle in the air, and howls. The mare covers her ears. “Lady! What are yoooouuuu …” the mare stares at something off-screen and trails off as the very cottage seems to shake and a loud stomping noise is heard that’s getting louder and louder.
“Oh… oh my…” The mare utters as her eyes go wide and her jaw hangs agape.
A fully grown brown bear suddenly stomps into the room, it eyes the mare hungrily as its lower jaw hangs open revealing rows of large sharp teeth. Droll falls from its wide-open maw in thick globs onto the hardwood floor.
Fluttershy stares at the mare. “Mr. Bear doesn’t think that’s such a good idea, either.”
The mare shoots a nervous glance at Fluttershy then one at Mr. Bear, then another at Fluttershy. Her mouth still wide open, she laboriously forces her lips into a vaguely smile like shape. “Wouldn’t… wouldn’t want to upset Mr. Bear now, would we?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “You really don’t.”
“Well then…” The mare says as she turned and stares at the door with a desperate expression on her face. “I’ve suddenly decided to love my pet now unconditionally… forever … So it looks like I won’t need to leave it with you after all!”
The dog leaps up and starts licking its owners face again. This time the mare looks at it and forces a crooked smile onto her face even as that face is coated with a thick layer of doggy slobber.
Fluttershy smiles. “That’s okay, just as long as you’re committed to a healthy, and most of all, long relationship with your animal.”
“Oh… I’m committed, alright…” the mare grumbles as she trudges off towards the door to the cottage, tugging at the leash and collar attached to her massive dog. The dog licks the air next to Fluttershy before it’s dragged away.
Fluttershy watches pet and owner leave then turns to grin at the camera. “Remember everypony, a pet is a friend for life. Whether that’s its life or your life is entirely up to you.” She turns. “Right Mr. Bear?”
The bear lets out a small roar in agreement.
Fluttershy turns back towards the camera and gives it a slightly sheepish smile. “Join us next time when we explore why it’s maybe not such a great idea to own 500 cats…”
“Hey, Fluttershy?” a voice calls out from off-screen.
“Oh, why it’s Applejack!” Fluttershy says cheerfully. Fluttershy turns. “Hello Applejack, what brings you to my home this fine day? Do you have a farm animal that you need advice on taking care of?”
Applejack trots into view and shakes her head. “Nope! Everything is apple-keen at the farm!” she says with a smile.
Fluttershy purses her lips ever so slightly. “Er … Applejack? I think you meant ‘peachy-keen’.”
Applejack narrows her eyes. “I know what I said.”
Fluttershy swallows and takes a half-step back. “OH…erm … uh … then what… does bring you to my home…? If you don’t mind me asking, that is…”
“I got a letter back from Golden Delicious about being on your show here,” Applejack says.
“Oh?” Fluttershy says, her face lighting up. “That’s great! We’re filming right now! This will be a great segue to our next episode.”
“I’m not so sure about that…” Applejack says.
“Erm … oh … okay…” Fluttershy says. “Why…? What did Golden Delicious say?”
“She says you can have her cats over her dead body.”
Fluttershy went quiet for a beat then sighs. “Well, if that’s the way she wants this to go down…” She looked up at Mr. Bear. “Come on, Mr. Bear. We better get some train tickets.”
Applejack simply stands in place for a bit, then her eyes go wide. “Now hold on here a minute!” she protests.
Fluttershy trots up to the camera, and the picture suddenly shifts towards the hardwood floor that moves underneath. Eventually the wood changes to steps, then ground as Applejack’s voice continues to call out.
“Fluttershy! Fluttershy! You get back here with that bear, ya hear?! Fluttershy! ”
The picture suddenly blinks out replaced by static.
Twilight shakes her head and sighs. “I really need to explain my friends the value of editing something before giving it to the channel… and also maybe the value of not threatening ponies with a bear mauling…”
Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam
"Ah can't believe Granny bought one o' these things! Don't she know our budget's tight this year?!"
Sitting on a small oaken stand on an oak floor in an oakwood house, a small TV with tiny antennae sticking out of it flickered to life as an orange hoof turned the power/volume dial on.
"Well, at least it works. That's a first comin' from those two-bit varmints."
An old, seasoned voice called from upstairs. "AJ, where's my anti-aging jam?"
Applejack sighed. "Granny, first, it's anti-aging cream. Second, have ye checked your vanity drawer?"
"Sure I have...uh...what's a vanity?"
She groaned and rolled her eyes. "It's the big mirror-desk thing I got from Rarity last week! Right next to your dresser!"
"Ah see it now! Thanks!" Granny stated in a way that somehow made the vanity something impossible to spot right away.
Applejack shook her head. Granny Smith couldn't find a needle in a haystack...or even in her sewing kit. Oh, but Applejack had always found them...just not in a pleasant way.
Applejack placed her hoof to the channel dial and turned it. TV static persisted for a few clicks before she found the one channel that worked: Ponyville Public Access.
Just as the TV screen came to life, said two-bit varmints, dressed in their striped candy-cane vests and straw hats, stood in front of a carnival tent.
"Aw no. What're those two sellin' now?"
Just as that question left her lips, Flim and Flam began their advertisement by dragging an old, shaky red mare with white hair onscreen.
"Hello, kind madam! You look a spot older than the dirt we're standing on!" Flam said.
"Oh, much older than that, brother of mine! How old are you, my dear?" Flim asked.
The startled mare swallowed. "Oh, uh, well, I'm jus' a bit over f-"
"Well, fear not! Your age doesn't matter to us!" Flam declared.
"Not at all! You could be thirty--"
"--two-hundred--"
"--or even a thousand! We don't care! And do you know why that is?"
"Well, no, bu-"
"We'll tell you why!" Flim left the scene for a moment before bringing back a green chalkboard. The front of it had a rather decently drawn image of the old mare on one side and an arrow leading from the old mare to a much younger, sexier mare.
"We of Flim Flam Brothers Inc. have discovered a stupendous--"
"--revolutionary--"
"--life-changing solution to the problem of aging, even if your face ages to the point where no one can tell the difference between it and the bark of an apple tree!"
"HEY!" Applejack shouted at the TV. "That ain't right!"
Flam continued, "Tell us, miss. Wouldn't you like to look as gorgeous as you were when you were at your prime?"
The old mare blushed a bit. "Well, I can't say that I haven't had daydreams about looking like that from time to time."
"Well, dream no more!" Flim cried out as he drew a small jar over the arrow leading from the wrinkled face to the young face, then producing said jar in another hoof. "For once you've tried applying some of Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam, you'll never have to worry about looking old ever again!"
The camera zoomed in on the jar in Flim's hoof, prominently displaying Flim and Flam's faces around the words "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam!" before zooming back out to Flam holding the jar as the old mare sat on a stool.
"Are you ready, my dear?"
The old mare nodded, and Flam brought a hoof to the lid. He strained a bit to unscrew the lid, even turning away from the camera. He shook it in an up and down motion for a short period of time before a 'Pop' and a satisfied "Aaaaah" escaped his lips before he turned back to the camera.
He reached into the jar and got a decent portion of a white gooey substance on his hoof. Rubbing it into the mare's face with vigorous motions, even stretching out her face at some intervals, he spent a good thirty seconds applying the Youthful Jam before removing his hooves and placing a towel over her face.
"After applying the jam vigorously, place a warm soaked towel over your face. Let it sit for about a minute, but no longer than that!" Flam explained.
"And while she waits for our 'secret ingredient' to take effect..." Applejack blinked at how drawn out the mentioning of the ingredient was. The seductive tone of his voice didn't ease her concerns. "...if you're not convinced yet, just take a look at our first--and only--compelling testimonial!"
The scene cuts to inside the tent, where a very familiar face--
"GRANNY?!"
...was unmistakably Granny Smith, although she looked as young as she did back when Ponyville was founded. Applejack's jaw hit the floor at the sight.
But what seemed more jarring was her voice didn't change. "I'll admit it, I was very suspicious of these young'uns when they came to me yesterday, 'specially after that phony tonic incident.
"However, after just one use o' their fancy Youth Jam, I look just like I did in my old photos! I couldn't believe it at first, but let me tell you, the boys in town were givin’ me the nasty look like ye wouldn't believe!"
Applejack shook her head. No wonder she hadn't seen Granny around the house all that often the past week.
The screen changed back to the old mare in the stool, towel still over her head.
"Well, that minute's up, so it's time for the big reveal!" Flam said with flair as he gestured to Flim and the mare. In a flash of white, Flim flung the towel away, revealing the face of a mare about Applejack's age in appearance. In all honesty, she looked like a scrumptious red velvet cupcake.
Flim pulled out a mirror and held it up to her face, and Ms. Velvet gasped. "I...oh my goodness! Is that me?"
"It sure is, my dear!"
"Ah can't believe it," Applejack responded.
"Believe it!" Flam's face took up the screen. "You've seen it firsthoof here, folks, so buy it now before it's all gone! Trust me, we've got tons of the stuff!"
Suddenly, Flim asked offscreen, "What? But we've just started making it since last week! And...uh...our supplier is a bit sore at the mome-"
"Like I said, we have it in stock! And if we don't, we'll make it on the spot!"
"But-"
"On. The. Spot," Flam spoke through gritted teeth. "So buy Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam now!"
The commercial ends with a close-up of the jar again. "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam! Why be a wrinkly prune when you can look like a juicy plum?"
As the commercial came to a close, Applejack turned off the TV in a mild daze. There was no way she missed that last bit of their commercial, and deep down, she had a very good suspicion as to what their secret ingredient was in their cream.
And if Granny willingly put that on her face--
"Applejack! I still can't find my Youth Jam! You didn't take it or anything, did you?"
"NO AH DID NOT!" Applejack yelled.
"Well, who did then?" Granny asked.
Applejack froze. She didn't even know about the cream until just now, and there was no way Big Mac would ever dabble in makeup. That left--
"Abbajack?" A tiny pale yellow filly stumbled into the room, barely keeping her balance due to the large red bow on her head.
"A-Apple Bloom?! You...you didn't use Granny's cream, did you?"
Apple Bloom fidgeted on the floor. "M-Maybe a widdle...for five meenits."
Applejack remained silent. One could hear the gears in her head whirring and grinding as voilently as her grinding teeth as she carefully processed everything that happened in the past few minutes as calmly and rationally as she could.
She failed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
~~~
Far, far away from the Apple Family Orchard, two ponies in a carnival tent had just finished capping off yet another jar of Youthful Jam, an oddly musky scent permeating the air. One of which was visibly and audibly exhausted, sitting on a stool.
"Huff...huff...Flam, please tell me we're done making Jam for at least a week."
Flam counted the multiple jars of jam in front of him, and smiled. "Flim, I think we're set for a while. You can take a rest n-"
Suddenly, both brothers heard a scream. It started barely audible, but rose higher and higher as time passed by.
"...Flam, do you hear that?"
"I feel that."
"I have a sudden need to flee for my life. Should we pack up and--"
"Already packing!"
IRON WILL QUENCHER/IRON SPICE
“For the last time, Spike, NO!” Twilight shouts as Spike follows close behind her, pestering her as the two walks through her crystalline castle.
“Come on, Twilight! This is important to me!”
“Spike, no!” Twilight repeats. “There is just so much wrong with what you’re proposing! I can’t even decide if I should first bring up the economic implications or the idea that you’re literally trying to market a food item that attacks ponies!”
“But it tastes so good!” Spike says. “What gives you the right to deny Equestria of what could possibly be a staple of breakfast for everypony?”
Twilight rolls her eyes. “Well… Ignoring the fact that bits have no nutritional value. I’m both a princess and possibly the only pony who knows the spell to turn inanimate objects into fresh craving beasts. So there! Those two things give me the right!”
Spike sighs heavily as he folds his arms across his chest and shot a sullen look at a random wall.
‘BOOOOM!’
Twilight pauses as the sound of an explosion erupts from down the hall. “What was that?”
“It came from—” Spike points dramatically with a claw “—over there!”
Twilight glances down at Spike. “That was some pretty dramatic pointing…”
Spike smiles. “Thanks, I’ve been practice—” Spike was suddenly cut off as a purple glow envelops him and Twilight levitates him onto her back “—WHOAOAOOOAAAAAHHH! ”
Soon both where in the TV room, staring at the screen.
Iron Will stands amongst a scene of complete devastation. Standing in front of a scorched brick wall, the ground about him is blackened and burnt, and a couple of trees on either side of him were on fire.
“THAT’S RIGHT!” Iron Will shouts at the screen. “DRINK ONE BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS !” Iron Will punches the wall behind him, and in a fiery explosion, bricks fly in all directions. As the smoke clears a number of goats all wearing lab coats can be seen past the wall. Some check clipboards and others inspect beakers and test tubes full of bright-colored liquids.
Iron Will holds up a small glass bottle and motions to it with his other hand. “IRON WILL'S QUECHOLOGISTS HAVE FIT MORE CAFFEINE INTO THIS BOTTLE THAN WAS THOUGHT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE BY THE LAWS OF VOLUME AND PRESSURE! THEN WE ADDED A BUNCH OF OTHER ENERGY ENHANCERS JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!”
Behind Iron will, a goat carefully applies a droplet of a light blue liquid to a yellow liquid which responds by shooting flames into the goats face. With frantic bleats, it runs about the lab as flames shot up from the hair around its face.
Iron Will quickly shifts position so he’s blocking the view of the fiery goat. “COMPLETELY NORMAL AND SAFE REACTION, I ASSURE YOU!”
The camera follows Iron Will as he walks away from the building revealing a public park. Ponies peer from around trees and benches, fear in their eyes as Iron Will approaches.
“DRINK TWO BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS !”
Iron Will grabs the top of the bottle in his hand and quickly rips the neck off, discarding the broken glass into a garbage can that that explodes and falls sideways. A green pegasus that was hiding behind the garbage screams and takes flight as black smoke trails follows it.
Iron Will tilts his head straight back, opens his mouth wide, and pours a neon yellow liquid directly into his mouth. Finished, he tosses the bottle off screen causing another explosion and another scream.
Iron Will spreads his legs out and throws his arms into the air.
“EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!”
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
Multiple explosions suddenly rocks the park. Ponies flee in all directions as trees, benches, and the ground itself erupts in fiery blasts.
Iron Will points at the camera.
“DRINK IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY YOU’LL WANT TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST NATURE!
“YOU’LL FEEL AN UNNATURAL COMPULSION TO GO OUT AND ASSAULT NATURE! ”
“YOU WILL LITERALLY LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TO GO OUT AND BEAT UP NATURE!
“ORDER A CASE NOW AND YOU’LL GET A FREE CASE OF IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT!”
Iron Will motions to the sky. A crate suddenly falls to the ground, exploding in a fiery blast that shots antiperspirant sticks in all directions. Iron Will snatches one from the air and bites down on the lid, chewing it and swallowing it before he applies a liberal amount of the antiperspirant to his armpits.
“YOU’LL SMELL AS FRESH AS A GOAT AND EVERY TIME YOU FLEX THE SURROUNDINGS AROUND YOU WILL EXPLODE!”
To demonstrate, Iron Will flexes his biceps and two large explosions suddenly rocks the area next to him, leaving two large craters that flanks the minotaur.
“PUT IRON WILL QUENCHER IN YOUR MOUTH AND APPLY IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT TO YOUR FILTHY BODY! EXPLODE EVERYTHING BEFORE IT EXPLODES YOU!”
Twilight cocks an eyebrow as her mouth hangs open in a seemingly permanent look of complete befuddlement. “… Since when is smelling like a goat a selling point for anything ?!”
“Twilight, I need that antiperspirant!” Spike announces with a serious look on his face.
Twilight smacks a hoof against her face. “Spike, you don’t even sweat.”
Spike frowns. “Okay… but how about the energy drink?”
“Spike, you get hyper off a single cola and already breath fire! There’s no way in Tartarus I’m giving you so much caffine! That’d almost be as bad as Pinkie—”
“DIE, GRASS, DIE!”
Twilight and Spike freeze in place as they hear a familiar high pitched voice waft up to the castle window from the ground below.
‘BOOOOOM!’
“It’s coming from—” Spike dramatically points at a window “—outside!” he gulps and turns towards Twilight. “We’re done for, aren’t we?”
Twilight nods as the castle shook around her and Spike. “Yep,” she says simply as she trots out of the room.
Spike follows, puffing out his lower lip and his eyes began to tear up. “And I never got to market my cereal…”
Twilight tightens her brow and let out an annoyed “UUUUUUGGGHHHH!” She turns to Spike. “Look, if we live, I’ll help you make your stupid cereal!”
Spike pumps a fist into the air. “YES!”
“DIE, OTHER FAUNA!” Pinkie screams.
‘BOOOOOM!’
“Remember! If we live!” Twilight says.
“Yeah, yeah…” Spike says dismissively as he and Twilight continues to walk down the hall.
The two made their way past the large double doors of the castle and approaches Pinkie as she continues blowing up nature.
“Pinkie!” Twilight shouts. “What are you doing?!”
“Well d’uuuuh! ” Pinkie answers. “I’m blowing up nature! I mean… the author just typed that right before you asked me!”
“But why?!” Twilight asks.
Pinkie grins. “I drank a bunch of IRON WILL QUENCHER! ” Pinkie says, screaming the name of the product as if this was somehow customary.“Now I have an overwhelming desire to explode trees and grass and stuff! Also I currently smell like ten goats! So I have that going for me!” Pinkie suddenly shifts her focus to a single blade of grass. With a twitch of an eyebrow, it bursts into flame.
“Pinkie!” Twilight cries. “I know you’ve probable got some energy to burn off, but you can’t explode my lawn!”
Pinkie turns and Twilight and Spike recoil. Instead of the usually receptive and at least semi-understanding look the mare would usually give them, they get a face that was contorted in anger.
“NO ONE TELLS IRON WILL QUENCHER
Spike leans in close to Twilight as a positions a hand to block the sound of his voice. “Do you think she can…? I mean… it’s a big castle…”
“It’s Pinkie and she’s hyped up on caffeine and whatever else
Pinkie began to gallop for the castle. “I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPELL THAT LETS YOU BREATH IN A VACUUM, ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE ALL YOUR BOOKS ARE GOING TO BE!”
“AAHHH! ” Twilight exclaims. Her horn suddenly glows purple and Pinkie soon finds herself airborne mere inches from the base of Twilight and Spike’s crystalline tree home.
Pinkie flails her forelegs in front of her as she tries to reach for the castle, however Twilight levitates the pink mare away from the castle and turns Pinkie around.
“LET ME GO!” Pinkie commands. “BY ALL THE POWER OF THE GOATS I SMELL LIKE, I WILL EXPLODE YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO!”
“Pinkie!” Twilight says. “You need to calm down! You could hurt somepony!”
“Oh, I’ll do more than that!” Pinkie flexes an arm and the ground next to Twilight suddenly erupts in a fiery blast.
Twilight jumps slightly to her right as her ears stand straight up and her wings unfold slightly from her sides, held in a position that looks just as tense as the rest of her body. Clumps of dirt and grass fall around and on top of her as she stares into the new hole in the ground.
“Phew …” Spike utters. “That was close… but you got this right?”
Twilight looks up at Pinkie. “Spike… I’ve stood toe to toe with ancient rulers of Equestria twists by dark magic, giant’s beasts that could breathe fire or crush me easily underfoot, villains overflowing with magical energy, and even a god.” She turns and gave Spike a serious look. “I have never been more scars for my life than I am right now.”
Pinkie rears her head back and flings her limbs out. “EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!”
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
“AHHHHHHH!” Spike shouts as fiery explosions erupt all about him and Twilight.
“SPIKE!” Twilight cries. “Go find our friends! Tell them to bring herbal tea!”
Spike makes a mad dash for Ponyville as the remains of the castle lawn fall around him, Twilight’s words following him as he put some distance between her and the mad-pony hyped up on caffeine.
“CAAAAAMOO OOOOMIIIiiiiiiillllle…! ”
The TV awakens from a thirty minute slumber, much to its dismay. It was having a rather nice dream, filled with static, sitcoms, and general silliness. But a certain egg-white princess decides she wants to enjoy some late-night viewing on her lounge chair. She even has a cupcake on one of those dainty little frilly plates!
The screen shows Sugarcube Corner, but at nighttime with one or two lights emitting from the windows.
"Psst! Hey, you!"
The camera pans around the intersection. Nothing to see except for more buildings with lights on tonight.
"You, with the camera!"
The camera refocuses on Sugarcube Corner, this time to a small alleyway nearby where the voice is coming from. In the darkness, two blue eyes and a lock of curly pink hair barely lit by the moonlight are visible.
"Yeah, you! Come here!" A pink hoof gestures to come hither as it and the previously mentioned features disappear into the alleyway. The camera wobbles a bit, much in the way of a shrug, then moves toward the alleyway.
As Celestia watches, the cupcake levitates off the plate as she takes a small, dainty bite. A few crumbs land on her flowing--yes, flowing--robe. They will not stay there long, not if she can do something about it.
At the alley entrance, the eyes are visible again, as is the pink pony who owns them. She wears a thick tan overcoat and a tan fedora, much in the way of a shady neighborhood watch guy on one of those street signs...wait, do those still exist?
"Were you followed?" The camera shakes from side to side. She narrows her eyes. "Are you suuure?" An affirming nod.
At that, she flicks a switch, and a bright pink stand lights up, courtesy of two hanging spotlights, displaying all sorts of sugars in bowls, glass containers and plastic bags tied neatly in different color ribbons. She flings off her coat and hat, revealing her bright pink body and impossibly curly mane and tail.
"Well, welcome to Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Shakedown! I can see that you're in the need for some sugar, my friend." The camera yanks forward suddenly, getting a closer look at all the sugars on the stand.
Celestia takes another bite. Oh, the sweet, sweet sugar! She loves it. And there's an ad about selling sugar on, so it's like a twofer!
"What kind of sugar are you looking for? We got--" the camera zips over to three bowls of sugar "--granulated sugar, powdered sugar, and even that kinda-sticky-super-bricky brown sugar!" She pulls out a chunk of the brown sugar. "See? Stays together like this so you can take it anywhere! It's also a good stress reliever if you chuck it at a wall!" Suddenly, Pinkie chucks the brown sugar at a brick wall to the side. The sugar chunk breaks on contact, but not without leaving a dent in the wall. "Er... just be careful your wall can handle it."
Aw, that was a good chunk of sugar. Could've made a fantastic cake, Celestia muses as the cupcake comes in close for another tantalizing bite.
"Or. OR! Maybe you're looking for something colorful!" The camera jerks again to the display of plastic bags, each bag filled with different colors of sugars, some of which containing the whole spectrum. "Well, I've also got every color of sugar you're looking for. Roy G. Biv, greyscale, complements, even the impossible ones!" She points to a bag filled with an impossibly dark blue bag of sugar. "This one is Luna's favorite, but don't tell anyone. You have no idea how many are pining for a taste of her sugar."
Celestia's eyes widen, and the cupcake falls to the floor in a mess of frosting and cake crumbs. Then she calmly gets up from her lounge chair, and leaves the room.
The TV soldiers on all the same. "But no, I can see you are a colt of class. You've got some refined tastes, so maybe you're looking for something just as classy as you are. I like that."
Darting behind her stand of sugar, Pinkie fetches a large bowl-shaped object hidden under a piece of frilly cloth, and places it on the stand. "Now THIS is special! Super-duper-wooper-blooper special! You won't find this anywhere else in Equestria ever!" Then in a dark tone she adds, "I guarantee it."
Lifting the cloth off ever so gently, Pinkie reveals an ornate wooden bowl. Inside it? Sugarcubes. A big ol' pile of sugarcubes. Off to the side of the camera, a small trickle of drool is visible.
"I knew it. You like sugarcubes, don't you?" The camera bobs up and down, much to Pinkie's glee and excitement. “Well, these are the finest, perfectly crafted, melt-in-your-mouth delicious sugarcubes you didn’t know you dreamed about! Yours truly spent months figuring out the secret to making them, and you don’t want to know the price I paid to get these right.”
“UNHOOF ME, SISTER!”
Pulled in by the ear, Luna’s hooves screech against the marble flooring, the sound only stopping when Celestia hit carpet.
“Not until you tell me where your sugar is!” Celestia cries in desperation, eyes shrunk to pinpricks.
“But we don’t have any!” Luna’s pleading eyes met her sister’s, begging that she see she tells the truth, but Celestia would not have it.
“Luna, I’m warning you. Tell me where your sugar is right now, or I swear I’ll chuck you to the moon!”
“You can’t--wait, you can actually do that?”
Celestia flashes a wicked grin. “I practiced with Cadance. How do you think she learned to fly?”
Luna’s eyes widen as Celestia continues dragging her to the balcony, where her moon lit up the night sky.
“Last chance, Luna. Sugar. Give it now, please.”
“Celestia, sister, I’m sorry, but I don--”
In a fluid motion, Celestia grips Luna with both hooves, aims at the moon, and chucks. Unfortunately, Luna’s wings flare out immediately, breaking what could have been a crash landing for a millenium on a cosmic entity. Again.
Instead, wings flailing about uselessly, Luna flies off into the night, vanishing amid the mountains and trees in the background. Celestia, angry at her lack of sugar, stomps back to the lounge chair. Yet as Luna's scream fades off in the distance, that anger switches over to regret soon enough.
“...I probably shouldn’t have chucked her,” she says in a tone that carries sincerity and a tinge of disappointment. “But she’ll be fine. I mean, it’s not like I actually sent her to the moon again, right?” she asks to nobody in particular.
The commercial on the TV continues onward, and Celestia watches. Perhaps that will take her mind off the events that transpired less than a minute ago.
“So, have I convinced you to get this sugar?” Pinkie asks as if she had spent the past minute whispering sweet, sweet nothings into the camera carrier’s ear...which she totally did. But the narrator was too distracted by Celestia chucking Luna, so you missed it. Boo to him; he’s such a jerk.
The camera bobs up and down, then shakes a bit as a bag of bits is fished out from an unseen saddlebag. Pinkie’s eyes light up like the night sky at the sight of the bits, then freezes as her tail twitches uncontrollably. Her head darts up, seemingly looking for something. The camera also tilts up, and sees said night sky, which looks just wonderful as the stars blink and twinkle, the moon casts a warm white glow from above, and the Moon Princess is falling down at barely controlled speeds…wait, what was that last one?
‘CRASH’
In a crater just outside the alleyway, Luna ‘gracefully’ lands on the main road of Ponyville right next to sugarcube corner. As she rises to her hooves, a few bits of dirt and gravel hover around her menacingly as she glares up at Canterlot Castle.
“Oh hi Princess Luna!” Pinkie calls to her, and Luna turns her head. “Would you like to buy some sugar?”
Luna tilts her head as she notices the lit-up bowls and bags of sugar. A similar wicked grin not unlike her sister’s forms on her face. “Why yes, I would. A brick of brown and that bag of lovely stygian sugar, if you please,” she requests as a hoofful of bits levitates from her hidden coinpurse (don’t ask where).
“Ooh ooh, a twofer!” Pinkie happily assembles her order, quick as a flash, then gives it to Luna. “Are you baking something, Princess?”
The smile does not fade as she glares at the camera. “Yes...I’m baking a delicious cake...for me. And Celestia's going to watch me eat it.”
Dread shakes Celestia’s body as Luna stares at the camera. Her cakes are to die for, but to deny her even a measly morsel?! That's...that's monstrous!
"And then, once I'm done, I'll destroy it so my sister shall never have a crumb of it to savor. Do you hear me, Celestia?! MY CAKE WILL BURN!"
NO! Celestia breaks away from the TV, and scrambles for a spot to hide. She will not be a witness to such slaughter of sweets!
“And Tia, if I find you under your bed again, you’re just going to make this easy.”
Celestia crawls out from under the bed, dashes through the door, and flies, FLIES for some other hiding spot in the castle that is absolutely NOT under her bed.
As Luna flies off into the night toward Canterlot, the camera focuses again on Pinkie, counting her bits with the excitement of a child counting chocolate coins. She's even biting a few too!
"Another satisfied customer--oh, almost forgot about you! Here's your sugar cubes!" She hands the cameracolt a bag full of dime bags of sugar cubes, then leans in and says, "Don't eat them all in one place. And remember to stop by Sugarcube Shakedown for all your sugary needs!" At that, the camera bounds away happily, as does its carrier with a bag of tasty sugarcubes in tow.
The TV continues its broadcast of the odd camera-mounted pony. Its lone viewer is long gone from the room, probably hiding in a broom closet somewhere in the castle. She's safe, the TV thinks. Definitely.
But a flap of wings and onyx slippers touching the ground set a grim reminder for what is to come.
"Ready or not, sister, here I come."
Spike walks into the Castles ‘TV room’, then slumps down on a large purple couch. He turns on the TV as a commercial begins. He mumbles, "These commercials are always stupid, either being illegal in some way, or making no sense at all!"
A loud voice yells from the TV "YOU HUNGRY!? Then come on down to Tex's Taco Factory, the best-and only- taco place in town!" Spike turns to the TV which is showing a yellow pony with a red and yellow striped mane with a taco cutie mark. The screen changes to huge yellow letters that spell out "TEX'S TACO FACTORY!" over a taco with many condiments on it.
The screen changes to a room with a glass window taking up most of the back wall. Tex walks in and says, "I'm Taco Tex, and this is my Taco Factory! Here we only use the most natural ingredients in our Tacos!"
A pony in a taco costume walks by dragging a vat of some liquid. The pony asks, "Hey boss! Where do I put this vat of artificial flavoring!?"
Tex freezes up as the pony talks, then yells, "YOU IDIOT, I'M FILMING A COMMERCIAL!!"
The pony, flinching at his bosses anger. "Boss, all I wanna know if I put it next to the plastic taco shells or the-"
"CUT!!!" Tex yells as the camera flashes to another scene.
Tex looks at the camera with a slightly forced smile. "We have many condiments that can change the flavor of your taco!" He walks past several signs, reading what they say as he goes by, "Sweet Apple, Rainboom Shock, Zebra Brew, Magic Light, Party Vibe, Discord Combo, and Iron Halapenos-"
Tex is cut off by a huge explosion coming from one of the signs. "WHY DID THE IRON HALAPENOS SIGN EXPLODE!?" he yells in anger.
A voice responds in an extremely afraid tone, "I don't know, it just did!"
Still angry, Tex yells, "ARGHHHH! WHY ARE YOU FILMING-" The screen flashes to another scene before Tex can rant onscreen.
Tex reappears with slightly disheveled hair, his smile looking faker then ever. He stands in front of an image of the Taco Factory logo. "So come on down to Tex's Taco Factory, and eat our SUPER healthy and totally NOT illegal tac-" A door is knocked down next to Tex, the pony flinching from the sound. "What now?" Tex mumbles, clearly annoyed.
A mare with a blue mane and grey fur in a prison jumpsuit bursts in, holding a crossbow complete with scope and plenty of spare bolts affixed to it.
Tex begins to fidget nervously. "W-who are you a-and what a-are you d-doing here!?"
The mare frowns. "My name is Single Army, and I am here to reveal your dark secrets!" She glares at Tex. "You've been using highly illegal slave labor to make your tacos.!"
Tex begins to stammer, "Pa-preposterous! Although m-my ta-tacos aren't the healthiest, I-I don't use slave labor!"
Single Army growls, clearly angered. "Yes, you do! And you're planning to take over Equestria with an army of mutant tacos and taco zombies! And I TOOK PICTURES!" She whips out a set of photos and shows the camera.
First, a picture of several ponies in prison jumpsuits similar to Single Army's, being forced to squirt condiments into plastic taco shells. Then, a picture of odd Diamond Dog like creatures made of taco shells and salsa, and a huge dragon shaped one surrounding the prisoners. Then, those same prisoners with a brain dead look in their eyes, eating odd looking tacos.
Tex’s tone turns extremely frightened, "N-now, that may be I-incriminating evidence, but it's not like I'm an evil interdimentional monster!"
Single Army stared at him for a second before saying "That's exactly what you are."
Tex, with false calmness, laughs for a few seconds. “Ha! Hahaha! How are you so sure of that, huh?"
Single Army grins. "I'm sure, because I've never seen you eat....or blink."
Tex stares at her for a second, before frowning. "Oh.....” He begins to shake as if going to explode. He began to speak, his voice distorting "sO.... YoU FigURed mE OUt....BuT nOW...YOu Sh@Ll NEvEr EsC@PE! I @M TeXoliUs!" His body explodes into black gas, which soon curves inward. When the gas clears, a huge taco with thousands of eyes and huge tentacles made of condiments. "#€\£<€}{€~*#+_£~'>}>~^{>\€#{!!!!!!" Gibberish sounds from Texolius's body as he begins to attack Single Army.
Single Army begins shooting Texolius with her crossbow, its bolts rapidly hitting home and piercing the monster’s eyes.
"#{%>}*{>#%|<{+}*#>{%!!!!!!!!^}><^{>~^~>{!" The beast roars in pain.
Single Army turns to the camera, then says, "So kids, don't eat at Tex's Taco Factory, because the owner is an evil monster! NOW, DIE MONSTER!" Single Army dodges a falling tentacle, which slams into the camera. The screen is flooded with static.
Spike stares at the TV, it having changed to a picture of Derpy with a broken wall behind her, with the words "We just don't know went wrong!" below her. Spike gets up, walks over to the door, announcing "I'm gonna go lock myself in the cellar until Texolius is defeated." He closes the door behind him, leaving the TV on.
Twilight walks into the room. "Spike, do you have those papers so I can sue Iron Will on account of giving Pinkie Pie caffeine?" She looks around. "Spike?"
Changeling Replacement Services
Spike moans as the horrid racket of static lets out another earsplitting noise of torture before quickly being replaced with another example of tremendous advertising dribble.
A stallion has his sleeping head resting on a table, a strand of saliva—representing his utter lack of energy for the world—lazily pouring out of his mouth.
“DAD,” a shrieking voice like that of a thousand banshee wails reverberates from off the screen.
At this, the stallion’s head shoots up from its spot, the ribbon of drool whipping away from his face. His eyes open to reveal the aftermath of a string of abhorrent events that lead to red cracks.
A small filly enters the scene, her demeanor emitting the usual youthful decorum of little monster of hyper activeness. “Dad,” she bellows at the top of her lungs again, “can we go to the park?”
His response is a guttural sound that can be associated with the garbled noise of dying walruses.
“Honey,” the voice of a mare appears, as well as the figure of one. She continues with the grace of a plaguing superior. “You said you were going to clean up the backyard, and last time I checked, it’s still dirty.”
The eyes of the stallion begin to slowly wander in their own directions, frenzied insects without their antennae.
“Hey, bud,” another trespassing disease pops his head into the scene, “you promised you’d help me replace my window today after you broke it with that fishing pole.”
Left and right, the vile protests resound around the stallion before his brain turns into a mess of scattered neurons and brain cells, and finally resides back to a state of a lump of grey matter. Thus his head falls back onto the table with a soft, yet solid bash. This did not do much in ceasing the continuing ravings of the lunatics abroad.
Then, as if fingers of a mighty time god were snapped, the scene freezes with a cheery and relieving ‘ding.’
“Is this you?” The narration oozes with patronizing contempt, and is strangely produced as if through a voice filter. Yet, it is carried with an undertone of subdued optimism. “A sad, pitiful excuse of a pony without the mental capacity of a dead fish—let alone a full-time husband, father, and friend.” A figure steps from off screen, her carapace shining by the presence of a studio light. “Hello, poor ponies. I am Queen Chrysalis. If you don’t know who I am, it’s better it stays that way.”
“What you should know, though, is that I understand how hard it is to live your pitiful existence, forever trapped in an endless loop of worthlessness, pestering, and awkwardness. I’m sure many of you are dealing with such problems right now.
“But fear not, for I hold the cure to your ailments.”
The screen is engulfed with an exceedingly blinding lens flare as the scene is now replaced with a green logo depicting a pony figure that is split down the middle, one side normal and the other resembling a changeling. Following this is stock music that is both inviting and frighteningly annoying.
“Introducing, Changeling Replacement Services, the only reliable life substitute business. At your request, we’ll come in to be you, so you don’t have to.”
The scene cuts back to the atrocious bantering freaks before. The stallion is very much still unconscious, but with the magic of editing, he is suddenly engulfed with a display of twinkling stars, disappearing to reveal a spry and vigorous pony.
“I’m sorry I forgot, honey,” he says with bright warmth, “I’ll get to work on the yard right away.” He looks down to the filly. “And then when I’m done with that, daddy’s going to take his wonderful filly to the park.” Now his head looks to his friend. “But first, I’ll give you the money to get your window replace. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“Wow,” the three previously disgusting monsters say with genuine enthusiasm, which would be true have it not for the fact it is painfully rehearsed.
“Quite the change, no,” the Queen says to the camera. “That’s because the real pony who was sitting there not a moment ago is now enjoying the beachside of Baltimare, where as the pony you see now is one of our astounding employees.”
For emphasis, said employee looks to the camera with one eye, which is momentarily covered with green flame before dissipating to show a changeling winking back with a smile.
Chrysalis’ frame takes back the screen. “And the best part is they don’t even know it’s him. Our service prides itself in not only discretion, but also in making sure to emulate everything about you in perfect, tedious detail. Not just on the revolting outside, but on the dark inside too.”
The scene changes to a screen split into four squares. One square shows a changeling and a pony sitting at a table, conversing as the changeling takes notes. Another depicts a changeling rehearsing his role at a scene mocking a date. The one below has a changeling that looks to be reading and memorizing private documents. The last one portrays a pony evaluating with a nod to another pony identical to him.
“To ensure effectiveness and quality, our changelings get to know you personally. They’ll shadow you and learn all they can about your dumb behavior, sometimes even revealing embarrassing mannerisms you never even noticed about yourself. Not just that, but they’ll learn about your social life as well. They’ll get to know your family and friends, the acquaintances you met, all your private information, the enemies you hate, and even your pets!”
The screen cuts to a changeling standing beside a dog, who is greeting him warmly with a welcoming growl.
“Pet the flea bag, you dolt,” Chrysalis’ voice whispers from off screen.
Changelings’ expression are among the hardest for ponies to read, yet the dragon can practically feel the daunting anxiety coming from the drone as he slowly lifts his holey hoof next to the dog’s head.
Before the dog decides that it has enough of him and lashes out at the poor thing with the rage of a thousand rabies-infected raccoons, the scene bounces once more to Chrysalis.
“If you honestly still think that this is some fabricated truth, and you still choose to wallow in your self-induced punishment, let our customers here prove you wrong.”
Now taking the center of the screen is a yellow mare with an orange, curly mane and green eyes. “I’ve been dying for a break for awhile, and thanks to Changeling Replacement Services, I finally got it! The service was so good that nopony even knew I was gone when I came back.” She smiles at the camera, though it is short-lived as her expression suddenly grows dreary. “In fact, not a lot of ponies really notice if I’m gone or not.”
Leaving the obviously depressing sight for a more delightful one, the mare in center screen was now a grey earthpony with a charcoal mane and purple eyes. “At first I was a little worried. I play the cello, you see, and thought my replacement would have trouble doing my job. But after we spent time practicing, he was able to play as fine as I do. He even offered me…” She hesitates a bit, taking audible gulps and making strange twitching motions with her face and neck, all the while smiling with a force. “Some… critiques… about my performance… which I very much appreciated… Coming from a changeling who only copied my performance and even imitated my own mistakes and wouldn’t know a high note from a low one and does he actually think he’s better than—”
Abruptly cutting her off is another cut to a purple mare with green eyes and mane with varying colors of pink. “I would normally hire a pony substitute for my job, but my changeling replacement was able to do more than just watch the kids. He studied every detail of my lesson plan and was able to carry it out perfectly. Now thanks to him, I’m finally able to work on my garden.” She looks directly into the camera, smiling. “Which is good, because I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t.”
The camera, for some reason, hangs on the shot, not changing to another pony and instead only showing the mare’s face. Something about her face seems to convey some sort of uncomfortable feeling, not so much for her, but for the viewer watching. Call it a trick of the eye, but Spike swears the camera is subtly but surely zooming in on her face. The sight itself made the dragon unconsciously shrink back in his seat.
To his overwhelming inner request, the scene finally cuts away to another pony.
This time it is a tan stallion, with a slick-backed mane and cyan eyes with the subtle appearance of bags under them. “I’m a very busy pony and wish I could be everywhere at once. Thanks to my changeling replacement now I can be in a business meeting while spending a day with my daughter at the same time.” He winks to the camera, teeth metaphorically sparkling as he smiles. “Thanks, Changeling Replacement Services.”
The camera hangs on the expression, almost sending echoes of the previous pony, before the stallion drops his smile and looks off camera. “So you’re going to blur out my face and modulate my voice or something like that, right?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Chrysalis’ face adorns the screen again. “If you’re still being stupid and not jumping at the chance of this offer, listen to a testimony from Princess Celestia herself!”
Just as she said this, the scene transitions one more time to the face of the Royal Sister herself. “I know it may seem strange to employ the help of a race that attacked my country, but they are good what they do.” She gives her trademarked warm smile. “And now thanks to them, I can finally take the time to read all the friendship letters from my student that I’ve been putting off for the past year.” Like that of an interrogated convict unknowingly confessing to his horrendous crime, Celestia’s eyes shrink as the Royal Hooves lift to cover her mouth. After a moment of silence, she puts one down to speak. “Can you edit that out in post?”
Due more to the fact of her inflated ego than actual practicality, the screen changes again to Chrysalis as she snickers. “Ahem. Yes, now I’m sure your tiny brains are slowly formulating enough thought power to bravely ask me, ‘but Chrysalis, this good of a deal must cost something, correct? How much of my useless money must I throw at you to be worthy enough of this offer’? Interesting question, but seeing as you’re impressed with just about anything, I’m going to tell you all that this amazing service will cost you nothing.
“That’s right, our high quality services are completely free… in money terms. The only thing that you have to provide to us is a loved one you your changeling replacement to fee—er, to take care of while you’re away. No payments, no trades, and certainly not a single bit out of your pathetic bank.
“But wait, there’s more! You now have the option of vacation plans. Feeling like taking some personal time off from the wretched ponies you know, but want to do it fast and conveniently? Look no further, because our resident travel and business advisors are here to assist. Here they are to talk about it right now.”
The camera turns to the changelings she motions towards. The pair wears shirt collars with red ties, one being pin-striped. Their half shut eyes convey no expression as they speak with the business-like efficiency of soulless salesponies.
“Choosing this optional vacation plan requires a standard fee of fifty bits…”
“Plus however many is required to prepare your trip.”
“Rates are based on the location you are travelling to…”
“The method of transport…”
“And duration of trip.”
“It is the responsibility of the customer to track their own luggage…”
“And any medical condition you may have before, during, or after the trip.”
“At an extra cost, we also offer an identity change if you feel it appropriate.”
“Note, the change is NOT permanent and all records pertaining to the identity will be terminated by the expiration of the trip.”
“To choose this optional service, please specify in your request letter…”
“Or refer to your changeling replacement.”
“For details on your vacation, please feel free to ask us…”
“Or refer to the pamphlet you will receive as per service request.”
“All payments are final and non-refundable,” they both finish off in unison.
“And there you have it, you insufferable ponies,” Chrysalis says as she comes up from between the two, “you get the amazing Changeling Replacement Service for free, plus optional vacation planning. And all you have to do is work your tired minds to work a quill so that you can formulate words onto paper and send it in to the following address.” The location and P.O. box flashes in neon green text across the bottom of the screen. “So what are you waiting for, your flank to do it? Get off it and utilize our services now!
“Changeling Replacement Services. We’ll be you, no matter how stupid you are.”
Much like the many lovely nonsense of other ads before, the presentation finishes off with a quickly read legal statement so perfectly tacked on to the end.
“Changeling Replacement Services, LLC. is not responsible for failure for you to return to your normal life. Some exhaustion from your loved ones may occur. If they begin to exhibit signs of dizziness or nausea, seek medical attention immediately. Revealing a changeling replacement’s cover is grounds for immediate termination of services and legal action. We are not responsible for what your replacement does as you. Must be eighteen years or older to apply.”
As all things come to an end, so too does the brilliantly crafted infomercial, swiftly replaced by the snowy, constant screech of disgusting static.
It is promptly stopped by Spike as he flicks the TV’s life off, mind pondering that spectacle that he just saw before him. Not much of the commercials ever please the dragon, nor do they even get any response from him. But that one seems to be the golden apple of the bunch. Flipping through countless of dribble and off-putting ridiculousness, that is one of the few products that peeks his interest. Maybe, just maybe, he would finally make due on one of the infomercials that come from that intricate stupid-box.
“Nah,” he says, waving off the notion, “sounds like a scam to me. I don’t think they can even change into dragons.” With the thought lost forever to a drifting void, he walks his little way to door before encountering a troubling thought.
He still has nothing better to do for the day.
Heaving a powerful, infuriating sigh, he takes his way back to the sofa that he made his mark on and that box that intimately knows him so.
A flick of the switch and the madness continues.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Discord's Reproduction Factory
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Like a Goodneighbor, Kingdomfarm is there
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. View Online
Adagio Dazzle’s Knob Polishing and Doorbell Cleaning Service
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. The Adventures of Purple Smart
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. View Online
If You've Got the Blues, How About a Cruise?
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Starlight Glimmer Unliving
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You scream, I scream, but seriously, Feather Bangs is screaming and someone needs to help the poor guy.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. It Beats Watching Paint Dry
It Beats Watching Paint Dry-ooooooo-
Spike sighs heavily as lays sprawled out across a big, purple couch. He holds a remote control in his claw which extends out towards a box-shaped, gray television. He clicks the remote absentmindedly, scanning channel after channel of different patterns of static accompanied by ‘CH.’ then the channel number in bright green lettering in the upper left-hand corner of the set.
“All these channels and nothing is on…” he bemoans as he clicks through several more channels of black and white static. “Literally since T.V. was just invented… Welp… I guess it’s Ponyville Public Access again…” Spike says as the slightest hints of a smile arrived at the corners of his lips. He suddenly frowns once more. “Maybe it’ll be better than I remember…”
Spike clicks the button a few more times and finally something other than static appears on the screen.
Princess Celestia stood on the stage of the Canterlot Academy of the Arts Theater, spotlights shining down on her clean, perfect coat and flowing mane.
"Hello, my little ponies. I'm Princess Celestia."
Another Celestia walked onto the stage. In contrast to the gilded, perfect Princess, this Celestia had a grey, filthy coat, a matted, rangy mane, hemp sandals, and a suede jacket.
"And I'm Filthy Hippie Celestia."
Princess Celestia strode over to a plush, comfortable divan and laid down. "I have CelesTV."
Filthy Hippie Celestia tossed her shaggy, unkempt mane. "And I...don't have a TV."
Princess Celestia sipped a fine glass of cognac. "With CelesTV, you get twenty channels of the finest entertainment Equestria has to offer. Music, sports, comedy, drama..."
Filthy Hippie Celestia lit a joint. "I grow my own fun."
Princess Celestia took a delicate bite of a piece of rich, sumptuous red velvet cake. "Plus award-winning customer service and an outstanding record of customer satisfaction."
Filthy Hippie Celestia stared at her hoof. "I wonder what color I taste like."
Princess Celestia stood up. "Don't be like this me. Get CelesTV. It's television from the sun."
Spike tosses a clawful of popcorn into his mouth and scratches his stomach. On the screen, a light purple unicorn mare with a dark purple mane with aquamarine streaks stands before the camera, smiling placidly.
"Hello," she says pleasantly, "my name is Starlight Glimmer, and I would like to take a moment of your time to talk about equal rights.
"In recent years, ponies have displayed an alarming indifference to the plight of equal rights. It has been my lifelong mission, as an equal rights activist, to raise awareness of the very real social crisis facing all of Equestria: the total absence of equal rights in our great pony nation.
"What can be more important, I ask you, than being equal to your fellow pony? All ponies are equal in my eyes, and all ponies should be equal in your eyes. Wouldn't Equestria be a much better place, free of the stress and chaos of everyday life, if all ponies were equal?"
Starlight Glimmer turns her flank to the camera, showing a plain black equal sign for her Cutie Mark. "And that, my fellow ponies, is why I'm here today. To spread the message of equal rights for all. I firmly believe that all ponies--Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, and even alicorns--have the right to have a black equal sign branded on their flank. Only through the indiscriminate branding of equal signs on pony flanks--and maybe a little light brainwashing--can all ponies become truly equal..."
Spike blinks repeatedly, then puts down the remote. "Uhh...Twilight? This...might be something you want to look into..."
